So the other day Victor was talking about Necromancers except that he was saying something wrong about them and I can’t remember what it was because I didn’t write that part down but I do know that he started yelling at me in the middle of a crowded movie theater that I didn’t know what a necromancer was and I’m all “THE FUCK I DON’T” and he’s all “Fine. What’s a necromanther?” and I’m all “Well I don’t know because that word doesn’t exist” and he’s all “I will walk out of this theater” and I’m all “Why? Because my ability to identify a necromancer is making you so mad that you’re losing your ability to pronounce shit correctly?” and he’s all “I will stab you right here in front of God and everybody”. Then I’m all “Just because you know that I know what a necromanther is” and then in my head I’m all “Fuck. I cannot believe that I just said ‘necromanther’ too” and I thought maybe he wouldn’t notice but he crossed his arms and gave me this smug look with one eyebrow raised and he’s all “Fine. What’s a necromanther?” I’m all “It’s…half dead person, half…panther.” Then the person in front of us turned around and looked at me like “WTF?” and I’m all “I also know what a necromancer is”. Then the movie started and Victor just shook his head like he didn’t believe me and the guy in front turned back around and I’m all “I actually have a large vocabulary” and then the guy in front cleared his throat like he wanted me to be quiet and I’m all “Dude. You are wearing a scarf with a t-shirt. You don’t get to judge me” except I didn’t say it out loud because I’m nonconfrontational. Also, I just wrote “nonconfrontational” and spellcheck is all “That word doesn’t exist” but was totally cool with the word “necromanther” which I think I just convinced spellcheck is a real thing.
And speaking of panthers, yesterday Victor mentioned how it was good that there weren’t any vampire horses around because they would be super creepy even if they were friendly and were just smiling at you and I’m all “Yeah, but you know who does have vampire fangs and drinks blood? Fucking panthers, that’s who.” And he’s all “Panthers don’t drink blood” and I’m all “What do you think they eat? Cheese pies?” and he’s all “They drink water, dumb-ass” and I’m all “And they drink blood when they eat their prey. Plus?! They die if you shoot them with a silver bullet so that’s even proofier” and he’s all “What the hell? Are you talking about werewolves?” and I’m all “I’M TALKING ABOUT VAMPIRE PANTHERS”. Then the stewardess came by and asked me to keep my voice down and I’m sorry but that’s what’s going to happen when you seat me and my husband in two different rows.
Are you still here? Because this whole post is kind of giving me a headache and it’s about to get even more convoluted because I’m leaving for the Blogher conference in Chicago day after tomorrow and I usually end up unintentionally causing drama so I just want to take this opportunity to apologize in advance for whatever your problem is, whore. Also, I’m just kidding about calling you a whore in my apology. Probably. I guess it depends on who you are. Please leave your grievances with me in the comment section so I can be prepared. Also, remember that Blogher is all about what you bring to it so my advice to you is to bring lots of booze. And if you forget, just remember that the night before Blogher is The People’s Party (Thursday) and everyone is invited. This means you.
Free drinks and swag while it lasts but bring cash because so far we’ve had like 700 people RSVP so we’ll probably run out of booze money the day before while we’re still setting up. Unless there isn’t going to be an open bar for us during set-up. Then I’ll be downstairs at the bar while everyone else sets up. Also, before you go to the People’s Party stop by the Social Luxe pre-party for some pampering. At 4pm (also on Thursday) Tanis, Michelle and I are presenting the award for “The Funniest Blog” and none of us even got into the finals so Tanis and Michelle are going to set the stage on fire and I’m going to punch whoever wins. We haven’t really discussed it but I’m pretty sure once I start punching they’ll figure out the game plan. I am, however, in the finals for “Most Provocative Blog“, which shocked me until I actually looked up the word “provocative”, which apparently also means “to incite anger, to be purposely annoying”. So basically there is no way I’m not winning that award.
Aren’t you tired of hearing about Blogher? Me too, but I’m not done yet. I’m apparently speaking on Saturday at a panel so you should come. I think we’re talking about ninjas.
Also, to combat my anxiety disorder I will be on a lot of xanax so I blame all the dumb stuff I’m going to do on that. Also, please come talk to me because I spend a shocking amount of time wandering around looking for people I recognize but no one ever recognizes me and then I remember that I’m wearing a disguise because of the anxiety disorder. So in order to make things easier, here are my three looks for the conference.
Look one: relatively normal me.
Look 2: Jenny-Lewis-after-one-beer-bong:
Look 3: I-thought-this-wig-was-all-Pretty-Woman-hookerish-when-I bought-it-but-now-it-looks-all-Sharon-Osborne-as-a-cougar-and-also -why-am-I-wearing-Mrs.-Ropers-house-dress?:
Also, just to make this post even longer and more unweildy I’d like to give a shout out to the sponsors of The People’s Party, without whom we would all have to meet each other sober. There should be pictures of them all here but my computer keeps crashing so instead it’s a kick-ass list of people who want to buy you a drink if you get there before all the drink tickets are gone: PBS Sprout, Crocs, bTrendie, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, Gerber, DisneyWorld Moms, Magic Beans, PNN.com, Disney on Ice, Yummie Tummie, Kirtsy, Mom Central, Smashies, One 2 One Network, 3 smart girlz and more. Also, the uber-hot Chris Mann will be performing live at the party in spite of the fact that I once drunkenly told him I suspected he was a serial killer. This would all be more awkward if I wasn’t planning on hiding in the bathroom throughout the entire party.
Comment of the day: I find that adding whore to the end of everything, be it apology or praise, shows people you really mean what you say.
Love the post, whore. ~Just Shireen