Last weekend at a thrift shop I found a small, stuffed monkey, which seemed to have some sort of snout leprosy and would probably murder us in our sleep.
I named him “Copernicus”.
I immediately picked the monkey up and turned to Victor with wide eyes, as I struggled to keep my voice down to a whisper so that the shop-girl wouldn’t realize how much I was interested.
me: Victor. Oh. Em. Gee.
Victor: Oh, holy shit. Put that thing down.
me: Are you fucking crazy? HE NEEDS US. Plus, he is made of awesome. And nightmares.
Copernicus: MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?
Victor: Did you just make that monkey talk?
Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.
Victor: What is wrong with you?
me: OH MY GOD, HE’S FANTASTIC. Plus, he just used “strangle” as a noun. Who does that? Copernicus the homicidal monkey, that’s who.
Copernicus: YOUR FACE LOOKS DELICIOUS. I WILL CHEW ON IT WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: See. He just gave you a compliment.
Then I followed Victor around the store, speaking in a squeaky monkey voice and trying to convince him that Copernicus would save us money because I could use him to make home-made Valentines for our kid to hand out at school. But he was $15 and that’s a lot of money to spend on a haunted monkey, so I set it on the counter and prepared to haggle with the girl running the shop.
me: I realize you’re probably very attached to this monkey as you can see his potential, but I was wondering if $15 was really the best you could do. Because he’s missing a lot of his face.
shop-girl: I just work here. I’m not really allowed to made deals.
me: He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.
shop-girl: What did you have in mind?
me: Um…$10?
shop-girl: How about $7?
me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.
shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.
me: SOLD. No bag necessary. I’ll carry him out.
Victor: LIKE HELL YOU WILL. That thing is not touching my car.
me: He doesn’t mean that, Copernicus.
Shop-girl: Paper? Plastic?
Victor: How about something burlap? On fire.
me: He can ride home on your shoulder! You’ve always wanted a monkey!
Victor: What? I’ve never wanted a monkey.
me: EVERYONE WANTS A MONKEY.
Victor: Not me.
me: Well…that’s what’s wrong with you.
Victor: I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PAID $7 FOR THAT.
me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)
Copernicus: WHERE DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE KNIVES?
Victor: SHUT UP, COPERNICUS.
**********
UPDATED: I’ve already made the first three valentines day cards and I’m pretty sure Hallmark will be calling me this week.
PS. Why, yes, actually you can buy Copernicus Cards.
Homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics: series 1, 2 and 3
That was an awesome purchase. Copernicus is right, hugging is like a strangle you haven’t finished.
I think he’s cute! Then again, I can’t smell him.
<3<3
Especially the hug is an unfinished strangle part.
Oh my God. Copernicus rocks. $7? Fucking bargain.
The third picture of Copernicus with you in a stranglehold had me crying from the hilarity… I will definitely be needing Valentine’s Day cards. Everybody needs a little Copernicus in their life. Definitely.
Spoiled! I was faked out by the *0* comments. This is brilliant and Copernicus is fantasmagorical. He makes me #furiouslyhappy, as does this post. You rock.
I’d totally use that “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” line on my grandmother, but she’s dead. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.
This made my day! HILARIOUS! Copernicus the monkey=classic.
If you haven’t already seen this I’m sure Copernicus would also enjoy it, as he is *clearly* a plasticized zombie monkey.
I am horrified, and completely entertained, all at the same time. And I expected nothing less.
Pretty soon, you’ll (Victor, of course) have to build a “house” for all of your stuffed friends!
Are you sure that’s not Joan Rivers?
Because of course.
You just took awesome to a whole new level!
Copernicus negotiated you a more than 50% discount. You should bring him car shopping! Imagine what sort of deal you’d get if he threatened to strangle the salesman.
Pictures of Copernicus hugging Beyonce or I am never come back to this blog ever again.
I’m a new reader and oh my lord, you’re fantastic in so many ways.
I would pay the $10 but only if it included a photo of Coernicus hugging Ferris Mewler complete with the satellite dish….
This is up there with my “Happiness a Warm Tauntaun” birthday card I made for my husband a while back.
I said to someone recently that hitting was like Angry Petting.
How can Victor not want a monkey? Everyone wants a monkey!
I may just have to steal the line “Your face is delicious. I will chew on it while you sleep.” That’s too good. And there are so many other pictures it can go with…
How special are we? Two posts in one day? It’s like Christmas.
My two year old just said, WHAT is that mom? And what’s wrong with his face? lol AWESOME!!
Wait, what? He’s MADE OF AWESOME? Jenny, I think Copernicus might be a Nerdfighter. Just so you know.
I’ve been storing all the wrong things in my burning burlap bags. Coincidentally that’s my nickname for my hooch.
It appears to me that Copernicus has had a run in with a bottle of white out. However, I’m going to guess that the white out took that particular battle because he’s got this “woah is me, G D white out” all of his face type of look. Now the question is, are his arms of those “Barbie tall plastic shoe can’t fit into the damn pink Corvette” type where he’s permanently stuck into a stranglehold no matter how much he’d probably rather just pick ticks out of the flocked animals’ hair or do they actually move? Personally if I were stuck in some sort of weird ballet movement (though it’s like he’s doing ballet and taking a rather long… Um… never mind I’ll keep it G rated) then I’d probably have only half my face too.
Copernicus is the homicidal monkey bomb.
You know, if anyone else had bragged about buying a “stuffed monkey”, I’d be thinking of the sock variety.
New advertising strategy: stick little flags between his paws, with your message of choice. Swipe that, Warner Bros!
Best diversion from my homework yet today.
OMG he looks like he’s made of hairballs, and may smell that way too. Your husband must be serious fun to shop with. His retorts have me in stitches.
Horrific. And WONDERFUL.
Oh.My.God. T I shudder to think if Victor was shopping by himself. Just think, Copernicus would still be sitting on that shelf with no one to hug.
Also? This. “me: Um…$10? shop-girl: How about $7?” CLASSIC!
I am laughing, with tears rolling down my face. I will have to re-read, because I’m sure that I missed something with the tears and all.
This post made me snort, giggle and chortle. Well played. Well played.
Copernicus seems to have a wonderful sense of balance for zombie monkey strangler. Pure talent, and someone finally recognized it.
If you start having strange occurrences after awhile, I think I can find the website for a demonologist or maybe exorcist to help you out.
Although, he is cute in a Night of the Living Dead kind of way.
“A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”
That is probably the single greatest thing I have ever read. Please put it on a t-shirt so that I can guarantee my bubble of personal space will never be invaded again.
oh. em. gee.
um… nice monkey?
I don’t know if I could ever fall asleep in your house (not that you’ve invited me to do that) due to all of the homicidal critters.
Holy shit that’s the most frightening stuffed monkey I’ve ever seen!
Oh Em Gee. He’s kinda cute. I wish that James Garfield had a horn because I think Copernicus would love to live with him. It would be like a Christmas and Hanukkah miracle all in one. What, you haven’t heard of Copernicus the Hanukkah monkey?
i totally think i’m in love with you. i’m tossing hubby out tonight. he just can’t measure up.
Your posts always make me tingle in my private areas.
Or that could be the monkey with face leprosy that lives in my pants.
This is normal. SHUT UP.
Oh. Dear. God.
I’m still looking for a chicken. I’m in Canada. I posted an ad on Kijiji.
First the chicken . . . now the monkey. You’re going to BREAK me, woman!
Crying. It takes a fine eye to recognize potential like that.
I’m going to need a whole collection of cards . . . Beyonce, and now this.
Now if only you could figure out how to put a thingy in the paw, so that when you squeeze it, it would play “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent. Then, Copernicus would be UNSTOPPABLE.
Sweet Baby Jesus, is that straw I see where his face should be? Could loving him be the last straw? Is Copernicus’ face the straw that broke the camel’s back? I can’t stop myself. Your monkey has infected my brain.
Oh. Em. Gee is right. I am crying tears of both laughter and pain. I started pilates 2 days ago and all of the sudden I have abs. And laughing hurts sooo good.
I can already see a domestic violence defendant using the “I wasn’t strangling her, I was just hugging her to completion” defense …
I swear I had a migraine before I read this, but Copernicus ate it. You are my crack.
Jesus Christ. That thing has the kind of haunted, dead eyes you see at the bottom of a well in Japanese horror films. I love him so.
Totally worth the wait. Best sociopathic serial killer monkey purchase ever.
If you like Copernicus, I think I may have some scary stuffed animals people have given my children that could go into your menagerie. One of them I bagged and put into the attic because I remembered the 60 minutes story about how they made stuffed cats out of REAL cat corpses. Just sayin’ … I would NEVER imply that Copernicus came from such a place… 😉
You find the best (and by “best” I mean most horrifically awesome) items in stores.
Oh God, you are insane and I love you. I’m pretty sure I just peed a little.
I say “Thank You” cards. ie. “Thanks for getting that monkey off my back”. You’re welcome.
i am jealous of your monkey. that is full of awesome.
I’m sure that Copernicus and Beyonce will get along famously. Who do you think would win in a battle? Beyonce, obviosuly is stronger and very large but Copernicus is wily and genuinely deranged. My momsy is on the monkey.
OMG!! Like I just told my daughter, now I need a shirt that says “Knock, knock, Mister can you spare a hug?”
At least my daughter did warn me that I would spit out my wine when reading this so I didn’t take a drink! So no wine was lost in the reading of this post. WIN!
Twisted mother that I am, I read this aloud to my son – who thought it was hilarious!!! This fit in nicely with the Nature on Lizard King (monitor lizards) that we’re watching at the moment.
I can’t decide if I wish I was Victor (‘cuz you ARE the hotness) or if I’m afraid for him… and for you… no, mostly for him.
Just so you know…I am never going to sleep at your house. Never. Never. Never. Never.
How does the monkey get along with Beyonce and the poor forgotten-named-but-well-dressed alligator and Martini Mewler and seriously your husband deserves a ceremonial medal for this menagerie and the dans parte they should be having.
I’d say you scored on your shopping trip! Victor, obviously, doesn’t have a clue about shopping!
Syphilitic homicidal monkeys and giant metal roosters are natural enemies. In fact, the monkeys feed on the roosters. If they did not, the giant metal roosters would spread uncontrolled, which could be awkward, and also unfortunate because they would be so common that you would no longer feel really cool having one. So by buying a homicidal syphilitic monkey, you are helping the environment. It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
Holy Jesus Biscuits woman! that thing IS the stuff of nightmares.
What fucked up zombie only ate his FACE and then left him like that?
PS, every time I read you I laugh so hard my hernia grows a little….
Obviously, Copernicus is missing his soulmate. She must have slipped from his arms. You have to find her, probably make it your life work. It’s the right thing to do.
O. M. G. More, please.
A zombie monkey with heart, that one.
“Haven’t you always wanted… A MONKEY??!?”
Oh. My. GOD.
I cannot *believe* you just paid SEVEN DOLLARS FOR that!
Totally amazing (in that I-am-going-to-have-nightmares-for-a-week-now-thanks kind of way)!
Is he a stuffed monkey as in made of fluff and such? Or is he stuffed as in he used to be alive until he died of an unidentifiable zombie apocalypse-inducing disease and was found by a taxidermist type stuffed?
I am dying.
Love…
“me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.”
“shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.”
But really? That thing is crazy scary. I’m with Victor. The thing must go.
Tell Victor all he has to do is spank the monkey and they will be BFF’s. Fantastic purchase, because who doesn’t need a monkey like that?
jenny, there are no words.
i mean, usually i’d have something cute or horrifying to say. like ‘lol @ face leprosy’ or ‘i didn’t finish strangling awesome husband last night BECAUSE I LOVE HIM’.
but this? i… i just can’t. it’s too perfect.
wait, i have one. can we have a shot of jean-louis being hugged by copernicus? pleeeease?
I feel like you do a lot of shopping at Regretsy.
Victor is crazy! That thing is PURE GOLD! I wish I could find an awesome homicidal monkey at my local thrift store! Oooo…I think we’ve found the new 16th anniversary gift! CREEPY HOMICIDAL THRIFT MONKEYS!
I wonder if they also have metal-monkeys-missing-half-their-face too. Your collection would be complete.
Copernicus could live with Cocomonkey the marble eyed moldering monkey of awesomosity my sister and I found similarly… Hid him in my brother in laws closet to share the love… Perhaps they both could offer him… Hugs….
Copernicus makes me feel like I’ve been hugging the wrong way all along…
Oh, and wearing too much face. 🙁
Your house is like the island of misfit animals with awesome names.
He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.
ROTFLOL – I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in a LONG time.
Just showed this to my wife.
She went from half-hearted smirk, to an honest LOL, to a shocked gasp at the sight of the cards, to a heartfelt “I feel for Victor”.
And then she walked around the kitchen shuddering at the thought of the monkey cards.
So, another winning post.
P.S. “I don’t know why you follow her. She’s a loon!”
Exactly! 😀
WHY ARE YOU SO FUNNY!?!?!
I am crying.
Possibly from laughter and possibly from the thought of Copernicus appearing over my shoulder with a quizzical look on his face as he gnaws on what’s left of my dog.
OMG!! I hate monkeys, HATE them, and Copernicus, I’m sorry, but you.are.hideous….
Good luck staying alive with him in your house now!! So flippin’ funny!
OMG I needed to read this.
I’ve laughed so hard my ribs hurt. Thank you.
Copernicus is adorable and I love reading interactions between you and Victor.
I just tried to explain to my husband why your blog was so funny using the monkey and the rooster as examples. He just looked at me like I told him George W. was the greatest president we have ever had. I think he and Victor should hang out.
Julie
ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com
Every night I swear that my husband won’t get another chance to make fun of me for laughing hysterically at your blog. And every night he snorts in glee (and some disdain) as I lose the battle. The giant chicken brought me here but the Eric Northman of Cats and Copernicus keep me here. Keep doing what you’re doing! I have never laughed this hard and I am way too lazy (and/or drunk) to start my own blog.
BWHAHAHAHAHA!
Hubby always wanted a monkey. I’m sure of it.
So several years ago (when we were in high school on a class trip) I bought him a weird spider monkey. Stuffed, not real. We named it Mike-alangelo. Mike after the schoolbus driver. And -alangelo to “spice it up”.
To this day Mike-alangelo clings to our headboard and watches us while we sleep. He’s part of the family.
You can tell Victor that story if you want.
I’m pretty sure that thing might give you Monkeypox. That’s a real disease. Ew!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkey_pox
That is the thing nightmares are made of. . .and I LOVE IT!
You need a card with the monkey pooping on you while he strangles you. Because that’s what monkeys do- they POOP on you.
Or at least it pooped on me. I’m still bitter, 5 years later.
Sometimes I wonder if in your real life you are a hoarder. What do you do with these chickens and monkeys? Are they piled up around your house for you to walk on? Do you give them to friends? Are they stuffed in a closet alongside months and months of expired yogurt? Very funny though. Very.
You are officially BEYOND FUCKING AWESOME! And just proved that I need to continue my pelvic floor strengthening exercises with my physical therapist!
Oh my GOD. I love it. If you actually made Valentine’s cards with Copernicus I would buy them.
The subtle doctoring of the “FREE HUGS” photo makes his nightmarish awesomeness *POP*.
Oh, God,
I *almost* wish I were still teaching so I could give these out!
Are Copernicus and Beyonce going to reproduce a hellish devil spawn of Cock Monkey Lepers?
The lipstick used on the first card was the perfect touch and had me rolling on the floor laughing.
I needed that, badly.
P.S. Do you share my phobia re movie theaters? Ever since my hairdresser told me about dangers of getting lice from theater seats I haven’t gone to the movies. Going to break the cycle for Cowboys & Aliens…and luscious Daniel Craig getting probed…..
You never fail to make me laugh and often just plain pee my pants! LOL
That monkey would fit right in at our house with all these nutty kids joking around non stop here! Have fun with it!
I would totally buy those Valentines Day cards!
I’m kinda agreeing with Victor on this one.
And a kiss is a face chew that isn’t finished yet. Love you!
I seriously have to stop reading you blog while I drink my coffee – there is only so much Cafe Latte that I can clean out of the keys which has traveled out of my nose!
Entirely too awesome for words
I’d totally buy Copernicus cards. Clearly your husband and my husband don’t know awesome when it threatens to chew off their faces.
Copernicus is a gift from the Gods. Why? Because I TOTALLY needed a laugh after installing a new door knob because someone stole some stuff from my house and my husband is on his computer filling out a police report – online. On line police reports = no hope of getting your stuff back – have a nice day!
Thank you, you syphilis-faced homicidal monkey from a deranged Plant of Evil Apes for making me realize that there are things that are greater than my issues.
Your page is officially on my list of “windows I must minimize whenever my 8 year old son walks up because he probably would understand what’s so damned funny”. I just thought you should know that.
Does this mean you’re already over Beyonce?
“Copernicus the homicidal monkey”
Thanks, I’m going to go have nightmares now.
This just made missing my train far less upsetting.
If my hysterical laughter wakes up my kid, then Copernicus needs to come put her back to sleep. Or … maybe not. I do believe I might be horrified.
He’s cute in a really weird way. And the hug thing made me crack up. That is one very wise syphilis-smelling monkey with half a face.
Oh my goodness, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life! xD
I don’t know what I want more – A Beyonce or a Copernicus.
I can’t believe Victor even goes in to places like that with you any more. Or that you take *him*. He doesn’t even know how to pick the good stuff.
I hear batshit crazy is one of the symptoms of untreated syphilis. You might want to get lil’ Copernicus to a doctor before he, in fact, kills you in your sleep.
Ummmm…I’m pretty sure the monkey already killed and either he is writing this post himself or you are now one of those ghost people like in The Sixth Sense and you don’t even realize you’re dead yet. Either way, not good.
Oh my God… he is too perfect. I adore him and you. Thank you so much for the fantastic laughter! {{{HUGS}}}
Oh dear god, a face only a mother could love! Mwahahahahaha!
Copernicus looks like the evil love child of cheetah from Tarzan and something from the Blair witch project, neither of which I have actually seen, so I’m just guessing, here.
My 7-yr-old daughter came to me while I was reading this post. She saw the monkey chewing on your neck. She said, “Can I watch ‘Adventure Time’?” Her eyes are all over the monkey chewing on your neck. “I dunno kiddo. Did you clean your room?”
“My room. Does Mom know you look at pictures of monkeys eating people?”
“No. She will though. I just E-MAILED HER!!!! Seriously. She’s looking at monkey zombies right now.”
“Yeah. Right. Ok. I’ll go clean my room right now.”
“Really?”
“No. God you are such a douche.” She picks up something… I can’t see what…. “Here it is! My room is so clean! Where’s Mom?”
“Put that bone DOWN!” It’s not real. Chill out. It’s a something else bone.
“It’s my sister! IT’S MY SISTER!”
Awesome, my wife and I would have fought over who was going to buy him.
You really scored with Copernicus. This post had me laughing so hard that I couldn’t put a carefully thought out response. Good job.
Totally read that to my husband and he said, “Well, are you going to buy a card?” and I said, “You’ll have to wait until Valentine’s Day to find out.” Then he made the suggestion that if I wanted to be really romantic, I would buy him the strangling one.
Love that man.
For some reason I decided there was only one letter i in “the only thing missing is” (when clearly there’s at least 4), which led me to want to suggest choosing a more Valentinrs-themed font, such as one where the single i in “is” would be dotted with a heart.
Now I don’t know what to think except to fear for my upcoming strangle-filled nightmares.
the one with the blood… i… i’m just at a loss.
i can’t.
I smell Beyonce vs Copernicus cage fight. My money is on the monkey.
Holy shit, that is amazing… in a really terrifying way!
Has Copernicus met James Garfield yet? Because I get the feeling that they would get on fabulously…
Why do I insist on reading your blog at work. I laugh so hard I snort.
Will you please expand your card offerings to Christmas cards? Copernicus & James Garfield would be awesome! This way everyone can get a monkey for Christmas!
Yeah, that monkey was definitely brought over from colonial India by a turbaned servant bitter over his long years of thankless service who cursed the monkey and now one day you’re going to walk into a room and the monkey isn’t going to be where you put it and you’re going to start hearing little footsteps behind you and …
Oh. My. God. If I have monkey-related nightmares tonight, I’m chasing you down and shoving marshmallows up your nose. Copernicus completely creeps me out. I’m with the salesgirl on the not-wanting-to-touch-him-thing; he’s sort of like the animal kingdom version of a Chucky doll…
Oh my God, it’s like you’re addicting me to your crazy strain of meth and I’m worried I’m becoming too dependent on your blog and my family is going to have to stage an intervention and that is going to make Thanksgiving really awkward.
MY THIRD GRADER: “Please Bloggess, quit being so funny, we want our Mommy back!”
COPERNICUS: “No sweetie, I need to eat Mommy’s face!”
JAMES GARFIELD: “Damn straight.”
hahaha nice.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Absolutely brilliant! Everyone needs a Copernicus.
Oh god. I just… I just love you so much.
Just read this on a plane. Laughed so hard I startled the highly obnoxious child sitting behind me into silence. I think he needs a hug. Or maybe a strangle.
HOLY HELL, WOMAN! I can’t believe I am going to say this but- I’m on Victor’s side. There. I said it. That thing has OBVIOUSLY been used is some weird, satanic, voodoo monkey ritual and now all kinds of weird things are going to start happening to you. This is scene #1 in which the unsuspecting protagonist brings the harbinger of death into her home. This is bad. This is really bad.
What to say? There is nobody like you! I adore you, I worship you. May I please be your slave?
It looks like the monkey that my oldest had when he was little. He would walk around with it attached to his neck. But his was furry and tan. I wonder if someone put that in the washing machine with bleach.
Frankly I’m surprised that Victor is willing to shop anywhere with you, much less thrift stores… my husband and I have been happily married for 6 years and shopping separately for about 3.
How do you keep finding these terrifying animals? Shit, I need to go to more thrift stores.
Holy. Shit.
I just laughed so hard I scared my kids. And the dog. Who does not have leprosy of his face. But he’d be way funnier if he did…
ps. airlines have provisions for Helper Monkeys. You should take full advantage of this. Don’t ask me how I know.
can….. not…… stop….. laughing!!! 😀
First the chicken, now the monkey. You are AWESOME!!! And you need to have the BNL live version of “If I Had a Million Dollars” playing in the background. I kept jearinf “Haven’t you always wanted a monKEY?”
Holy Crap. I’ll be laughing about this all night. In that weird, freak-your-husband-out way
Oh. Em. Gee. I love being in the bloggess-sphere!
I love monkeys but that thing fucking scares the shit out of me. I wouldn’t want to be near it. On the bright side, I guess you’ll never have to worry about sleepover parties at your house.
So funny. LOVE the “and part of my face” card.
OF COURSE Victor always wanted a Monkey…he’s not fooling me. Copernicus is precious. Just don’t turn your back on him. It’s always the quiet ones…just sayin’.
Copernicus IS full of awesome and so was this post. Frackin genius with the funny, lady! Love it! Please don’t let this be the last of him! 😉
Holy horrifying, Jenny.
Score!
Seriously know a couple who dresses up their stuffed monkey and bring it ev*ery*where…
LMAO but think I’m going to have nightmares now about that picture!
I totally love you. If I were a lesbian I’d want to marry you.
Just showed Copernicus to my dog and now he’s whining and walking in circles. Time to call the doggie therapist.
But seriously are you going to lock him up at night? Cuz I’d be scared to fall asleep knowing that thing was in the house
Could you run for President? Please? Or if you’re busy, either Beyonce or Copernicus?
I love you more with each post, Jenny…. And hey, can we go to the thrift shops together, the ones I hit are crazy monkey free…..
om. eem. gee. Copernicus just woke up my baby. thanks alot stupid monkey. oh, wait. that one may have been my fault. for laughing hysterically. then reading outloud to my husband with what i assume are appropriate voices.
omg, I heart reading your blog. I stumbled across you in twitter and added you to my rss feed, and this *significantly* brightened my day, thank you so much.
Duuuuude…Copernicus is kinda scary. At first, I kinda thought you Photoshopped his face by using an overlay of of the face of Crush the stoner sea-turtle from Finding Nemo. However, I’m thinking he came that way? Man, I need a drink.
i love you. i just really really love you.
i was in the middle of a physio appointment when i was reading this. don’t worry, i was on “the rack” so had a spare moment. i was giggling so much my therapist came in to check on me. several times. i guess the rack isn’t funny. normally.
Dammit Jenny… stay out of my head! LOL.. I swear to all that is deep fried and crispy that in another life we were twins.. evil twins.. *runs away cackling*
I can’t wait until the monkey-haters find this post and let you know that STRANGLE HUGS ARE NO JOKE. Oh and you’re a spendthrift. (That’s not my PERSONAL opinion. I’m still pretending to be a monkey-hater with a money problem.)
I can smell the monkey from Maryland.
Man that was such a funny post. I loved it.
I second the idea of a “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” shirt. If it has a picture of Copernicus on it I would wear it every day until it all looked like his face.
I love reading your blog & laughing out loud! The “Free Hugs” card is totally my favorite.
ha ha love the last card…that would be good for someone to give their stalker…LOL…
So many things right now…
1. That monkey is fucking amazing, for reasons that only equally as amazing people can identify.
2. Copernecus was the obvious choice here, well played.
3. If I say I love you is that weird? But then you just bought that monkey so I’m thinking I fit in here like a glove. Fantastic.
I love you…I want to marry you. I’ll be happy with Copernicus since Victor isn’t….
OMG I’m dying over here. My husband thinks I’ve lost what is left of my mind…LMAO!!
That is the worst thing since the godawful clown from Poltergeist. Just wait until you’re lying awake at night, staring at him from across the room, and each time you blink he’s closer.. closer..
I wonder how much the sales girl would have given him to you for if you had offered to pay the original $15 dollars? Awesome purchase! 🙂
By the way…Do you think Victor now favors Beyonce over Copernicus??
Holy shit woman, you like to live on the dangerous edge. As much as I’m usually against posting weird links, I think I have what may be considered a PSA for you and Victor. Well, especially Victor. I urge you to watch this you tube video A.S.A.P. – it may save lives.
THIS is what you may have just brought home. Karen Black didn’t make it out alive, I don’t think I can lose you too.
NO WAY!!!! Back when I was cool and had a MySpace acct, I had one of those virtual pet things and it was a monkey and I named him COPERNICUS!!!! NO WAY!!! I LOVE IT!!! And I love him. The end.
You do realize that now that you are probably creating a market for gross stuffed monkeys, right?
Wasn’t there a song once that said something along the lines of, “Haven’t you always wanted a MONKEY?”
The answer was always YES…
You’re not the only one. Oh, and my astronomy-minded husband loves the fact that you named him Copernicus. I can only assume it’s because that guy was also missing a large portion of his face.
I can’t believe you let that thing get so close to your face…
But, I think “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” is your best line ever.
I still really want a life-sized Beyonce and I do not want a Copernicus, but that was flippin’ hysterical!!!
I introduced my husband, who doesn’t read blogs (including mine) to your site, starting with Beyonce. He’s an even bigger fan than I am, and that says a lot. xoxo
Darn it I just woke my son up laughing too loud! *sigh*
This is absolutely fantastic!!! It had me giggling madly the entire time I read it..
Also: my brother doesn’t understand the hilarity of this, which is a bit sad….
Time to buy him a Copernicus Valentine’s card.
So. I was reading this. My 6 1/2 yr old son comes in.
Mom. Is that a real monkey?
No. Its not.
Mom! You should get me one of those! a strangling monkey!
I think you’re good for 1st graders.
Definitely going to be giving those out for Valentine’s Day this year!!
That thing is creepytown.
Damnit, I got all excited for a second when I read the title because, hell yes I would like to buy a monkey!
Now I have a burning desire to start stalking every thrift store, antique store, and random back alley until I find something even half as awesome as so many of your finds. If all else fails though, I suppose I can settle for Copernicus, Beyonce, and James Garfield cards.
I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. Good grief.
It’s like we are one in the same!!!
Love this!
My 5-year-old daughter thinks it’s cute. Like, literally, she said “awwww.” and I said “what is that?” and she said “a monkey!” and i said “what’s wrong with its face?” and she said “its skin face is gone and you can see its skeleton. but it’s still cute!”
I need to start saving for therapy now, I think.
http://www.nearnormalcy.blogspot.com
VICTOR: It’s an animal that looks like a dude. WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TEN OF THEM
OF COURSE everyone wants a monkey. I would have paid the whole $15 for him. You totes got a deal!!
let us know when you catch victor spanking that monkey…strangling the monkey? … either way just sounds wrong…*reboot*
If I had a million dollars, (If I had a million dollars), Well, I’d buy you a monkey, (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey) – Barenaked Ladies
And to think you got it for only $7!
I totally read the last line as “Homicidal monkey cards for HOMELESS romantics.”
I love this. Do you always write like this? ‘Cause if you do, I want to read more. lol.
I am a new reader. You have made me laugh so hard I cried many times in the last few weeks. Thank you for that. I love your style and your attitude.
Seriously…I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard since I read the Beyonce blog…oh that was just the other day…really….I need you around more often!
I have a really bad stomachache now. From laughing. Obviously.
Ok, this killed me, especially since my friend just called me drunk from a concert to tell me she was thinking about monkeys. I think Copernicus can travel through time and space. i must have him for her, I will give you $7.25.
FREAKING AWESOME!
Holy shit!!! That is so freaking funny!!! OMG! I LOVE READING THIS BLOG!!
I love you. Platonically.
(That’s right, you are full of spiritual beauty.)
I read your horrific monkey story to my husband…well, as best I could through my tears and chortling…he’s decided to name his new computer, the joy of his life, a fully loaded 13″ MacBook Air, Copernicus. He’s already changing lives, syphilis smell or no.
You probably won’t see this because you have a googleplex (my kids use that word as if it’s a real number so I’m using it too) of comments but you are friggin hilarious. I wish I was your neighbor so we could be bff’s, not in that stalker sort of creepy way, but in the you’re funny/I’m funny and we both love making our husbands faces turn red sort of way. Hilarious.
I have laughed ‘til I’ve cried before, but this is ridiculous the tears are like shooting out at the computer, I can’t stop them… It has been a long time since I have laughed this hard though… so, thank you!
I have never almost vomited because something was funny but,
“me: Um…$10?
shop-girl: How about $7?
me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.”
ok sorta have to go to bed now, wine party or not. LOL You crack me up!
there’s some Dane Cook or other comedian that did a bit about every guy wants to be part of a heist, and to have a monkey. your husband needs to see that.
You have no idea how comforting it is to know that at least one other person in the world (and in Texas, yet!) would not only fall in love with a sad, murderous & leprous monkey, but would argue with their spouse AND the checkout girl over it. Seriously, Jenny… you continually reaffirm that I do indeed have a place in this world. It may be in Terrell, but I know I have a place.
PS Also, my Mr.Spouse does not believe we don’t know each other.
PPS He also has forbidden me to meet or otherwise hang out with you. For obvious reasons.
PPPS. “Terrell” is a famous insane asylum in Terrell, Texas. There are other awesome asylums in state, too – many abandoned. Hey, maybe Copernicus escaped from one…
I think I’ll be investing in Copernicus’ continued chance to strangle, I mean HUG, Victor! Plus he can be a pet that you don’t have to feed, take outside or to the vet. Not only is he a money making monkey (say that 5 times fast) but he’s also SAVING you a ton! Victor should be thanking you for preparing for when he’s too old to use the bathroom on his own and you have to hire someone to change his bedpan.
Clown Porn Revisited.
http://poorlydressed.failblog.org/2011/07/06/fashion-fail-you-clowned-my-heart/
thought you should know.
Nice Boobs!
can you make one with just the hug/strangle quote and his pic? would totally buy SEVERAL.
Dude, I was totally with you re: Beyonce — giant chicken’s are awesome. But that monkey is freakin’ creepy. Seriously, it may actually make an appearance in my nightmares.
Gah, “giant chickens,” not “giant chicken’s.” (go, go, Grammar girl!)
It is clear that Copernicus and you needed one another.
The shop girl saying that she didn’t want to touch it was maybe my favorite line, except for the “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.” Genius.
Holy shit, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time… I am CRYING laughing! And my husband is just shaking his head at me.
Sryuslee de-sturbing
Holy creepy hell!! And I would totally add an “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET” shirt to my wardrobe. Best definition of a hug EVER.
My friend and her family went “hunting” last year in Africa. Her now 16-year old son shot a baboon that is just about ready to be shipped back here to live in his bedroom. After being stuffed that is. I real fucking baboon in your bedroom. Can you just imagine those nightmares? Nice.
I want a monkey…it will freak my pregant wife out…and probably my 4 year old…and the cats. Then I will have to explain to the police about the dead bodies….but I still want a monkey.
That is an awfully long and sinister looking tail that Copernicus has. I’m not sure he is planning to strangle anyone with his little evil monkey hands, but maybe with his tail while he gouges out eyeballs. Yes, indeed, this is a creepy little monkey! I would definitely keep him away from the cats…..
My mother once sent me back to a ‘Big Lots’ type store to buy the world ugliest doll. She felt sorry for it, and knew that no one would ever, in a million years take her home. I’m sure she still sits proudly on my moms bed to this day. I would love for her to meet Beyonce and Capernicus one day. I think they are long lost cousins. LMAO!
Amazing. I love your sense of humor. Was almost LITERALLY rolling on the floor laughing. Thank you for that after a long day! 😀
oh man thats a crack up!! hahahahaha!!!!!
i can’t remember the last time i laughed so hard. i am officially your newest blog stalker.
Well, reading this just made me feel better about my broken phone.
Hi Copernicus. You’re definitely worth more than 7 bucks!
I started this comment taking a break from my busy schedule of being in traffic to comment on this blog, but I gotta say something happened that made my LIFE. Some douchenuzzle was driving Han Solo sans Chewie in the carpool lane. There was a bike going along and he turned his head to spit. Car had his windows rolled down. Biker realized it too late. Gave me tingles.
Anyway, I seriously need to shop where you shop. I NEVER find shit like this. Forever 21 needs to get their shit TOGETHER. I’m a teacher and if I had a monkey, I’d put it in the corner. A kid gives me shit? “GO SIT BY THE MONKEY.” I really need a Copernicus in my life. I’ll name him Galileo.
200th!
I thought that would be as cool as saying “First!” but I was wrong. It was cooler. Now I’m going to use it on every website that gets to 200 comments, which will actually make it way more valuable than a “First!” because not every website gets that many.
Was that a monkey?
I made my husband read this post and he laughed so hard he cried…I think I know someone who is getting a Copernicus Valentine next year!
Made the mistake of reading this in bed while my husband slept. I tried to keep quiet but it just got funnier and funnier!!
I’m emailing this to everyone I know.
So, when I first saw this picture, I thought “Why the fuck is there a snake skin wrapped around an empty paper towel roll?!?” And then I looked a little closer and realized it’s a creepy monkey and I breathed a sigh of relief… I don’t know what it means that I am relieved by a creepy ass monkey, but I guess that’s a different story for a different day.
Now that your tweet makes perfect sense…. O.M.G.! Loving Copernicus. He looks like something I’d use to keep my kids inline or evil from my doorstep, like a furry little diseased gargoyle. Absolute Awesomeness!
You know in my head there’s a sales pitch brewing… From the people that brought you that perfect 15th Anniversary gift we have everyone’s Valentine’s day sweetheart….
<3 you Jenny, I truly needed this laugh today
~SherryLinn
At first I was thinking: Stop motion pictures starring Copernicus! Then I discovered this website…
http://tadasrevolution.com/2011/04/08/the-grocery-store-part-i/
Methinks Copernicus is going to start his own blog!
I was pondering this further today: Where exactly is it that you shop and why does Victor even bother going with you anymore? The man loves the pain, I am convinced of that much.
Awwww… world tour?
That thing is fucked up.
Next time you’re near Chicago, PLEASE take me shopping with you????
Your posts make me laugh so hard I cry and wake up my baby.
This is a good thing.
<3<3<3
I had a hard time explaining to my husband what was so funny about a giant metal chicken. Apparently, he doesn’t appreciate the fine art of subtle humor. So when I saw this darling little guy, I ran and got him so he could see for himself. He took one look and walked away. Some people just don’t know genius when they see it.
And also, I was looking for a holiday card for this year, so if you could somehow create some sort of super card with Beyonce AND Copernicus, well, everyone on our list would be beyond grateful. Maybe. But probably not.
That chicken is going to be so jealous. Tell me will the knife fight between them be available on Pay Per View?
LOL omg you are hilarious! The shop-girl sounds awesome. Brilliant cards.
I couldn’t sleep so I was trolling the net and I find this. I am not going to sleep for days. Plus I don’t have on my glasses so he may be scarier when he’s actually in focus.
OMFG.
Awesome.
oh sweet jesus. i can’t lie- copernicus is scary as fuck. i was down with beyonce, and even the boar head- but i just feel dirty right now. and really, really scared.
Copernicus is MADE of awesome! Your blog cracks me up!
Oh Em Gee. I have nothing. Copernicus is full of awesome, as are you and Victor (well you) for finding and homing these misfits. You make loving the ugly/interesting/horrific so terribly easy!
OMG. Tears, endless tears, and chokes. Like I’ve been giving a strangle. 😉
Aw, Copernicus is just misunderstood.
On the third card, I think it should say “There’s a fine line between a hug and a strangle” (Since that’s how he said it the first time!
For the past 6 years, I have had a monkey – but not quite as cool as yours. What makes my monkey special is that he is a Christmas monkey meaning that instead of a star on top of our tree we have a monkey. A creepy fucking monkey with a hat that scares Santa Claus and small children alike. Hell, he even scares me sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I can’t wait for Copernicus and The Big Metal Chicken to go on an adventure together. Probably to visit Victor in the insane asylum.
Teach him to play the organ and go on tour with your own version of Phantom of the Opera. Perhaps get Andrew Lloyd Marmoset to assist with the score.
Damn it looks freaky.
That BY FAR has to be my favourite post I have ever read. IN THE WORLD. you should wait until Victors asleep and then put Copernicus on the bedside table next to him so he can wake up and find him just staring. Staring and picturing him without his skin.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha…
Hugging is a strangle you haven’t finished… I want one of my very own… I’ll give you $9 for him! 🙂
So this is who the Barenaked Ladies were singing about.
Can you please make a Copernicus and Beyonce card? That would be amazing/
Copernicus is most certainly the creepiest, most wonderful little monkey man I’ve ever seen! What the hell happened to his poor little face? Regardless of his past, it appears he has a nice, loving home in which he can torment others. Enjoy.
Sweet baby Jeebus, I love you! And did you know there is such a thing as a solar-power LED light-up Beyonce? There is.
Hilarious entry about the Mokney!
I just found your blog. Thank you for making me laugh at 4am (after Buddha the cat woke me, because….) and I have a whole house to pack and stage to sell because we are looking for work …..and I still have to paint the house etc. Very stressful right now and you made it all better-Copernicus was just the kicker. The chicken was even better. I think Beyonce may be what I need to sell this house. I love you for that.
Be prepared for 9 new readers, Jenny… Every morning I read your blog in my office and typically either spit my coffee at my monitor, giggle like a crazed monkey (hmmm…) or have to make an emergency run to the bathroom because I’m laughing so hard I have to pea.
Thank you.
But my co-workers have finally gotten me to tell them just what is so funny…
By the way, I’m thinking that Copernicus could give Beyonce a run for her (his? – most Big Effing Metal Chickens are men, you know) money.
Even the Barenaked Ladies knew that everyone has always wanted a monkey. If they had known they could have gotten one for $7, they would never have written that million-dollars song…
Okay, this post may just rival the big metal chicken post….awesome. Where do you find these things? Or do they find you?
“A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.”….OMG I die laughing! Pure awesomeness:)
My fiance and I sat on the couch last night and laughed hysterically while we read this together. Victor/Jenny conversations are always my favorite, and we were both crying from laughing so hard at this one. Thanks, Jenny.
I’m hoping by the time I finish this comment I will be number 222, but with the three years I’ve had it’s unlikely. It’s ok I’m used to disappointment, but what I’m not used to is laughing in spite of myself. You do that to me, or was it Copernicus? For some reason though I feel sorry for him as if he actually is alive and really nice inside his leprosy and crying that you’ve made him into a psychopath, he can’t help that he trained along side Jason Bourne…or maybe I’ve just been watching too much Toy Story.
Nicole x
p.s. thx for being quite a bit funny
I’ve read this half a dozen times now, and it’s made me laugh equally hard each time. Your posts often make not just my day, but my week. This is another classic that I will share with others like James Garfield and the Metal Anniversary chicken!
What does Copernicus think of the chicken and flying pig?
Long time lurker, first time commenter here… more so because I slightly freaked out by all the touching of a stuffed, once alive monkey. It is a real monkey, isn’t it ??
Not to be a buzz kill, but having worked at a museum for over 15 years, I know that they use some pretty toxic, poisonous things to stuff and mount mammalogy specimens. If this is indeed an old specimen, then chances are it’s full of arsenic so touching your skin and rubbing it up against you is a definite no-no.
(He’s stuffed, but not taxidermied. Although he does seem to be filled with horse-hair. And probably arsenic. I’ll put him on a high shelf. ~ Jenny)
Awesome. You and Victor have an amazing relationship. Now Copernicus can join in the fun….at night..when he’s trying to cut off your faces. Enjoy!
Of all your dead and soulless creatures, Copernicus is my favorite.
HA! Copernicus’ soulmate lives at MY house. Her name is Moira Blackthorn the Sociopathic Squirrel. I found her at a thrift store, where she was threatening to take on the entire pit of stuffed animals. I had a tough time sleeping for the first week or two after she came to live with me, but she has lulled me into a false sense of security…….
Sigh.
Why do you get all the *good* toys?
I work for Hallmark and will be sure to send this on to the season card team. WIN! 🙂
Oh my god you are brilliant, what I want to know is when will Copernicus meet Beyonce?
I’m a little worries about the taxidermied zoo you’re creating for your child.
That monkey is too ugly to even spank.
Looks way too much like Michael Jackson to me.
Shock the monkey!
This morning, (at work no less), I was told I don’t smile as much anymore. The sarcastic, I-wanna-punch-you-in the-face-because-I’m-hating-work-right-now-so-of-COURSE-I’m-not-all-SMILEY, Yvette.. instead…came here. For a good laugh… and to start my day all over again. Thanks Copernicus, you totallly made me smile. 😉
Thanks, Jenny. I didn’t think anything could creep me out more about monkeys than that 70’s or 80’s movie I saw as a kid about the evil cymbal-clanging toy monkey. Now, as an adult, I can have nightmares about a leper monkey eating my face as I sleep.
Incredible! 🙂
I can’t decide if I’m horrified or amused. Probably since he’s in your home and not mine, I’m more on the amused side of things.
I’m so glad I found this blog! Oh how I need to laugh sometimes. No pressure, but please keep making me laugh. You’re brilliant.
So I just caught Posey “hugging” Copernicus. I think we both know who is next to the vet.
Sweet infant Jesus, I love you. And I’m talking to Copernicus.
What exactly is its FACE made out of? And how many of these stuffed animals do you have? That’s coming out like I disapprove. I don’t. I have bought at least 200 stuffed animals in the past year or so, all of them from China, all of them just because my daughter wants them. So I think it’s pretty cool that you’re buying things that smell like syphilis. You’ve shown me a new way.
That’s friggin awesome!
Copernicus has the face that only a mother can love and apparently his mother did not, hence, why he was given up and sitting in a thrift store. At least he has you now, well…..until he finds the knives.
I like the blood on the first card. But if he is haunted, you’re going to have to put him outside with Beyonce. Because metal chickens fight off ghosts, of course.
That monkey is giving me the heebie-jeebies
OMG I think I hurt myself. I haven’t laughed this hard since … well since yesterday when I read your post about Ferris Mewler and the collar.
Um, though I think you should probably call in a priest to have a look at that monkey.
Who can wait until Valentine’s Day to send those beauties out!! I’m getting some now and sending them to all my loved ones, because when you love someone who should send them homicidal monkey cards! For when you care to send the very best.
I am so incredibly jealous right now. I absolutely love monkeys, so now I must buy cards with Copernicus on them!! Awesome Buy!!
I just noticed the blood on his mouth in the first card. Very subtle.
George Carlin once quipped that going to a concert and sleeping with the comic was like watching an organ grinder and then fucking the monkey. I think this may be why Copernicus is copping a stabby demeanor. What self-respecting philosopher/scientist simian wants to be compared to a comic that can only get the girls the band won’t let on the bus?
I’m so happy to have finally found the answer to a question I have asked a disturbingly high number of times in my life: Who would buy a stuffed animal that someone else killed? You, my dear. You would buy other people’s dead animals. And do awesome things with them.
your link was passed to me by a facebook post of a friend, what a delightful find! and yes, most caring to save cards for the tots till next year. =)
“See, he just gave you a compliment!” How? do? you? do? it?
LOL!!!! I have really got to start shopping where you do. You find the coolest stuff! I have to order my weird stuff on the internet.
A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET. Best. Line. Ever.
PS – I saw the tweet and was waiting anxiously to see what you and Victor were yelling about (for completely different reasons.) Thank you for delivering on that tweet.
We have an addiction with going to thrift shops, even our 10 year old, we love it. I have to say this is the best thrift store story I have ever heard.
Victor obviously knows better then to take you anywhere that sells taxidermy wildlife by now. I can only assume that he secretly enjoys Copernicus and Beyonce and , of course, our hero James Garfield. He totally wants a strangle-hug.
Copernicus is precious and perfect. I’m just dying over here. Of course, I’m also the person with 3 Weeping Angels and a papermache skull wearing an Uncle Sam hat on my desk. I may not be a good gauge of precious.
Blogess!
Just bought 10 of these cards and if my friends don’t put them up on the fridge I’ll kill them!
Also, I need your help! I am a Chief in the US Navy and I want Dane Cook to be my date for my Khaki Ball. I made him a video. http://www.whatichase.blogspot.com (it’s on my blog.) Please check it out…and help out a girl in uniform will ya?
He’s so ugly…he’s BEAUTIFUL!! I love this homicidal treasure! Awesome!
Copernicus has a relative at Oddee: http://www.oddee.com/item_97831.aspx
Jenny, you might need to adopt some of these to keep Copernicus company…
(I’m sorry, Victor)
Copernicus the homicidal monkey.
Once again, you have made my day.
The question is do you find these awesome treasures, or do they find you?
Copernicus is awesome! LOL!
A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.
I am going to use this line all the time now
I think I’m in love with you.
how do I still have my job? they clearly aren’t bothered by the howling and crying at my desk. Jesus Christ on a Saltine, that was the funniest shit!
“Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.” – best part.
I seriously love the second card. I might have to get some. You know, for V-Day. Or whatever…
P.S. I’m pretty sure this post is going to give me nightmares. So thanks for that.
That whole post made me laugh, but the cards made me laugh so hard that my narcoleptic dog just woke up and came to check on me to make sure I wasn’t choking on something. I want those printed on everything I own. Dishware, glassware, totebags, I can’t even think of what else.
I just LOVE you – and Victor doesn’t even know how lucky he is 🙂
“The only thing missing is you…and MY FACE” I can’t breathe.
GOOD NEWS on the taxidermy thing. ! I kept checking back and internally screaming ” GOD I HOPE THIS THING IS JUST A “NORMAL” UNSAFE TOY FROM CHINA”
You never know what you find at a Thrift Store !
This should be a T-shirt: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.
I was just introduced to your blog today. Please be my new best friend. Thank you for making me pee my pants.
That is one scaryass monkey.
couldn’t. stop. laughing.
Please tell me those cards are available in the UK.
*Waits by Facebook for Copernicus’ own fan page*
“A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”
My god. Why isn’t this on a shirt yet? Seriously, imagine how effectively this would repel unwanted hugs or any form of physical contact. It would be like always having a bodygaurd. Only you wouldn’t look like a paranoid nutjub. You’d have more of a serial killer vibe. Which is really in these days, so everybody wins. Except by “everybody” I mean mostly you.
He’s the cutest! Copernicus can chew on my face while I’m asleep *anytime.*
YOU are made of awesome.
Oh em gee, you are a complete psycho. You and your monkey. I’m so glad I’m not alone.
I absolutely loves this post, but I have to ask you to stop posting such awesomely written content. My co-workers are starting to suspect something is wrong with me when I randomly start giggling in my cube. 😉
Thanks for the laughs.
How is it that you get your man to go thrift shopping with you? I had to divorce mine before he would do that with me. Of course, he was slightly prude before the divorce…. Love that monkey. He needs a creepy horse upon which to ride.
that’s so effing hilarious…. I want my own leprosy monkey!
This. Is. Hilarious.
Call me if you ever want to go shopping. Your husband and my boyfriend can go get a beer and compare notes while we shop. Their conversation will probably last around 5 to 7 … days.
<3
Okay, after reading this last night, I have to say, that fucking monkey is aw(esome)ful. I thought I was going to have a nightmare about it. You know how you have a birdcage with a doll inside? I’d get one for Copernicus. Just in case he’s not really dead. And for the love of all things unholy, will you please shove an air freshener up his ass (Copernicus, not Victor or Ferris Mewler)? I can smell him from here! “Here” is kinda far away from you, so that’s significant.
Oh, and I think I have to demonstrate to my husband the “fine line” because he didn’t even chuckle about the hug-strangle relationship. Who the #$^& did I marry? (See what I did there?) He’ll love me for it when he comes to. Maybe.
I totally want to drink with Copernicus!
and then possibly send him drunkenly after random people on the street.
or journal editors who reject my poetry.
also “Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.” made my day.
*German accent* Touch the monkey!!!
Oh sweet baby jesus where do you find this stuff??? I was on Victor’s side until the ‘hug is an unfinished strangle’ part and now I’m totally on Team Copernicus.
If I don’t have a chance to read another blog today I will be perfectly content. Oh my goodness but that’s some funny stuff. Thank you for making me laugh again…and again. : )
Oh Jenny we are kindred spirits…
I almost peed my pants reading this, and that is soooooooo not ok to do at work.
Copernicus is great, I so would have went with Darwin and would have lost some of his evil essence in the process.
Teach me O great bloggess!
What if Copernicus was rage infected (a la 28 Days Later) and started a zombie apocalypse?
Yeah – think about it…
*singing* Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
Not to question your awesome naming skills (well, actually I am), naming your monkey after an astronomer Tycho Brahe is a better fit since he was missing his nose.
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1270/did-astronomer-tycho-brahe-really-have-a-silver-nose
That thing is damn near as possessed as Robert! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF7488WHcok
I hope your servers are fortified (and that you set it up for money based on hits) because this seems to be sweeping FB right now. Why? Because you are right, they all DO want to buy a monkey (and are just now realizing it).
Has Copernicus met Beyonce and James Garfield? I think, if you were to let Copernicus strangle … I mean hug, Beyonce, you might just have Destiny’s Child right there in your backyard.
I wish I could’ve heard that conversation.
You are very talented and very funny. I started reading with the cat post. I’m a fellow cat woman and Houstonian (Holla!) I love your blog!
I would have been really disappointed in you and this entry if I had read after seeing that picture that you hadn’t purchased that creepy-ass monkey. Creepy-ass monkies need homes too, Victor.
Sweet baby Jesus I can’t stop laughing! I need a shirt that says “A hug is an unfinished strangle”.
Thank you for posting this! LOL I really needed this today. Sweet dreams to all of you… especially you, Copernicus. 😉
You are so my hero…
I think if we were around each other, we would get into a lot of trouble because I’m RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! LOL! You’re so loved! 🙂
Holy shit woman, I love you long time.
You never cease to amaze me. How you find so many awesome things, is beyond me. ANd at just $7? Seriously. You rock!
I am dying right now. You are the funniest person I don’t really know. Also, I just had a baby on Friday, and believe it or not, we call her squeaky monkey. You may have ruined that for us.
Jenna
HEY KID! WANNA BUY A MONKEY?
And other gems from the one (and only) year David Letterman was allowed to host the Oscars.
Very funny. Laugh out loud and scroll up to read again kind of funny. And your Victor sounds eminently do-able.
Ok that was the best thing I have ever read! What you need to do is sell the mini Beyonces like the “As seen on TV” products with “WAIT…if you act now we will throw in a set of 3 Copernicus The Monkey Valentine’s Day Cards!” THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME! You are the BEST EVER!
The best part about this post…the name. I have a cat named Copernicus. I liternally had sweet tea snort out of my nose as I was reading this. <3 your blog!!
You got eight dollars worth of monkey for FREE. And you didn’t even have to send in a copy of the sales slip and wait 6 to 8 weeks for a rebate. I’d KILL for eight dollars of monkey.
I was gonna comment, but hey, looks like everyone else already did.
Oh em Geee. I think I peed a little, I laughed so hard.
BTW, Copernicus is AWEsome!!!
I couldn’t breathe there for a bit b/c I was silently laughing so hard. Maybe that’s all part of his plan. He doesn’t need to strangle.
I’m not entirely convinced that Victor is a real person, because who WOULDN’T wholeheartedly agree that purchasing Copernicus was a fabulous idea? And for only $7?
My 4-year-old son just saw the top photo and said, “What’s that? Oh, it’s scary!”
Laughed out loud at work. Not such a bad thing, but I work in a hospital and people think either your insensitive or crazy! Oh well, funny as hell!
I have to say I love that you did a creepy monkey voice, but I’m glad I didn’t hear it because it would give me nightmares. I love the cards!
Thank you for the side splitting tear inducing laugh.
**DISTURBING**
nuf said
Tell me where to send my money NOW to order the cards.
(Just click on my zazzle store. They’re waiting for you. And will give you nightmares. ~ Jenny)
I have to breath now since I nearly laughed myself silly. Why the Planet of the Apes kept running through my head as I read this I’ll never know.
Found this. Thought you might like it. Awesome and disturbing.
http://www.oddee.com/item_97831.aspx
Oh sweet Jesus on a tricycle!!!! This is seriously the funniest thing you have ever written. At least in recent memory. And the best part??? Victor actually addressed Copernicus as a participant in the argument. OMG! Love it. One point for the syphillitic smelling, zombie monkey Victor!!
Will you adopt me? Seriously. I don’t feel like I’m really *living* without these conversations in my life.
I love you more than you will ever know. I knew there was something about hugging I didn’t like. Now if I could just figure out if I’m offended by knowing the other person really wants to strangle me, or if I’m frustrated because I can’t go through with the strangle. And your monkey…what a scary little darling.
Keep it weird.
This morning I was watching two monkeys doing it outside my window. (I live in Costa Rica). I could have sworn the male looked at me and said “you’re next”.
It’s comforting to know the monkeys are talking to you too.
I friggin LOVE this post!!!! I am literally lol’ing!
Best
Li
@lalicenciada
@herdeepthoughts
Seriously…you find the coolest shit…who would have thought you could top the giant chicken…I bow in the presence of greatness 😉
One day Hollywood will make a movie about your life and this will be a brilliant scene. But seriously cool find! I bet Victor really does like that monkey. Just tell him the monkey can be the getaway driver during that bank job he has always secretly desired to pull;)
This made my day!!!! 🙂
I’m terrified of monkeys, so I read through this alternately horrified and amused. But then I got to the cards. I scrolled down far enough to see “the only thing missing is you,” and a picture of Copernicus. I was all “awww! That is actually totally adorable and I don’t even like monkeys!” The dog was all “are you talking to me? I don’t see anyone else here, so you must be talking to me.” He wasn’t impressed. Then I scrolled down a bit further and read “AND PART OF MY FACE” (not in caps, but the voice in my head was shouting it, so I took a little liberty there, sorry) and nearly passed out.
TL;DR? Totally awesome cards.
The photo of Copernicus looks like a watercolor. Very artistic, really. Is that straw in his head?
(Straw, or horse hair. Or human skin. Probably straw though. ~ Jenny)
Next time to get to NYC you’ve gotta get to Obscura. http://www.obscuraantiques.com/
You could get Copernicus and James Garfield lotsa sibs there.
I loved this so much I PLOTZED! As a project manager for a painfully staid bank (I know, that’s redundant), I’m always looking for ways to compel people to actually do what they’ve committed to do. Copernicus is just the team-mate I need. With his leprotic face at my side, no one would dare come to meetings with excuses! I’ll buy him from you. Right now. Of course, I want you to make a profit so I’ll offer $8.
PS – Victor’s cute, but his taste in thrift-store purchases is sorely lacking.
I know I don’t know you, but I think I love you, like, for reals.
Copernicus is even more full of whimsy than Beyoncé! You find the best deals.
Ive never laughed so hard at a blog. You…are my hero. And maybe my lesbian soul mate. If I were a lesbian and you were a lesbian. Carry on!
Wow, finally a blog that is weirder and creepier than mine, and mine is about how my (other) boyfriend is an invisible Jew from a past life who talks to me with nightlights. So that takes some doing. Also your posts make my mother laugh harder than mine do, so by rights I should hate you, but I don’t want to make the monkey angry. Rock on, inspirationally strange woman. Rock on.
Please make a card that says “A hug is like a strangle that you haven’t finished yet.”
Why does Victor continue to shop with you?
I love that you made Copernicus talk. I thought I was the only one who did that shit. I would like to request either a post or a card or something where Copernicus and Beyonce meet.
Can my wife and I adopt you?
If not, will you adopt us?
OMFG!!! that is A-MAH-ZEENG!!!!! ? ? ? this!!!!
A syphilis smelling, strangling Monkey hug!
You make me laugh so hard. I love your cards; and really the clerk clearly does not know how haggling works.
Oh Em Gee you are hysterical….I was having a horrible day and Copernicus just made it better. I’m beyond jealous of your warped sense of humor (and I mean that as a compliment). I’m in awe of your awesomeness….and Copernicus of course. 🙂
He’s haunting my dreams and I haven’t even been to sleep yet. He’s a very, very frightening little being, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Also, I own the small vermin-chewed lion version. He’s a tiny poxy lion named Louie.
I want to go shopping with you! ^_^ You find the greatest stuff.
I monkey/chicken envy…. or is it covetousness? Whatever. As soon as I can I will buying some strangling monkey cards, I need new stationary that stands out, you know? I heart your blog. You RULE.
XXXOOO
The best part of this: The poor sales girl offered to sell him for less than what you proposed. Who does that? I wonder how they keep track of inventory? Okay, listen I have the sinus headache from hell so I’m not even close to logical here.
The next time Antique Roadshow comes to town hear you, you should take dear Copernicus to have him evaluated. You’ve read about the incredibly lucky S.O.B. who just sold his cups for $1.7 (more or less)? Well, Chickidee, that could be you!! How would Victor feel then? Huh?
Fuckin A. I.love.this. I have to wait until the end of the day to read these at work because I laugh so hard I cry. I keep saying, holy shit, that is *totally* some shit I would say to my husband, every time I read your blog. Keep it coming.
I fee like there should be a picture somewhere of Copernicus riding Beyonce. Because it would be epic. Knock knock, mother fucker. I’ll eat your face off.