I WILL KILL EVERYBODY.

This morning I wrote a stinging, furious diatribe about the “Milk will cure your irrational PMS” campaign” (aka “Have a glass of milk, you crazy bitch“) but when I showed it to Victor he was all “Why are you so mad at milk?  Oh, is it that time of the month again?”  Then I said, “Your facetiousness is not adding to the conversation” except it came out more like “Imply that my righteous and justified milk fury is PMS and I will punch you in the junk while you sleep.  I will smash that lamp and I WILL GUT YOU WITH IT.”

In retrospect, Victor might have a point.*

*About me being irrationally angry at milk, that is.  Not about how giving your wife milk stops her from being bitchy.  That’s just a bunch of crazy bullshit.**

**Unless you’re using the opaqueness of milk to disguise all the sedatives you mixed into it.  That could work.  Or it could kill your wife.  One of those things.

PS.  Victor just pointed out that the saddest part of this whole discussion is that I’m severely lactose intolerant and can’t even drink milk.  That poor man is totally fucked.

**********

And, on a blissfully non-milk-related note, it’s Sunday – which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on my Ill-Advised column:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Hillshire Farm, who once invited me to create my own sandwich creation which was judged by the host of Top Chef. It ended badly. But the Hillshire Farm people were awesome. You should check them out.

72 thoughts on “I WILL KILL EVERYBODY.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That would have pissed me off too. The whole milk ad is so facepalm worthy. But I guess milk isn’t only to blame. Our society attitude and dismissal towards women’s emotions is pretty fucked up.

  2. Great advice about BlogHer. I was so worried about what I was going to wear. Then I got there and saw that my concern was unfounded- and stupid.

    I really enjoyed going last year, even though no one knew who I was back then. And of course now that at 5 people do know, I can’t go. It sucks. You have a good time holding court in the loo and enjoy your trip to Alaska.

    Maybe we can chat again in the ladies room again next year.

  3. Women are completely crazy and our lady parts make us crazy and our monthly times make us crazy so our poor abused long-suffering menfolk just need to find the right thing to stop the crazy. Ooooh… shiny! ‘Cause we’re crazy.
    Right?

  4. What Ashley said, and uh- “word to your mother” (to clarify: Not “nother nature” as interpreted in those stupid tampon commercials, because faulk that beeeeeyotch and the idiots who came up with the character. Don’t feminine hygiene marketers get chicks at all?)

    In sum, I get mad at milk too- but the cats like it.

  5. Lactose intolerance sucks. Cheese, people! CHEESE! It should be against the law to inflict someone with lactose intolerance. Frigging intolerance gnomes.

    I would much rather be, like, ham intolerant or broccoli intolerant than lactose intolerant.

  6. Yes, because all it takes to placate women is a glass of milk?!

    I have seen such ads and my reaction was similarly furious.

    Btw, saw an ad at the movies the other day that made me want to throw things. Like buildings. Similarly condescending.

  7. Question: While getting intoxicated in the bathroom, do all have to fit in one tiny stall, or do you think it might be okay to commandeer the handicap stall for the party?

    Either way, I’ll be there- count me in!

  8. I’m nothing but confused now. I want a glass of milk even though it will even more bitchy and bloated, but I also want a hug from that damn monkey. You win, marketing monkeys.

  9. If you hand me a glass of milk to help with PMS it better be followed with a batch of hot chocolate chip cookies. I blame “Big Milk”. Those people push milk harder than the PTA president pushes wrapping paper (what is with those wome?)
    This reminds me, if I ever get my hands on those “have a happy period” people… What really kills me is that some low ad man came up with that idea, their boss okay’d it, and then the company gave it a green light. Is there not one normal woman in that chain that could maybe point out that it might make us all a little stabby?
    I need chocolate now.

  10. How come someone correctly identifying your/our/any women in general’s PMS is so fucking annoying?

    I’ve got no time to figure it out b/c I’ve got some inflatable sex toys to go look at–STAT.

    jill

  11. Mmmhmm. I just read the US News article “Why Gay Marriage Is Good for Straight America” and one thought popped into my head. Gay wedding registries. There! The economy is fixed! You’re welcome, America.

  12. Milk is good for PMT – especially when mixed with 4 shots bourbon and 12 cigarettes. It makes the crying at the toilet paper ads on telly more bearable. Or is that bareable. oh god, now Im crying.

  13. Maybe if it was chocolate milk…otherwise, I think the milkmen are just off their rocker. And might I add that I absolutely hate it when I go ape shit crazy over something only to have my husband point out that maybe it is jus that time of the month….and usually, he’s right….which only makes me want to scream even more.

  14. Your BlogHer advice was the best I’ve ever read. People, if you’re going, listen to her. They don’t call her The Bloggess for nothing. She knows shit.

  15. I find White Russians take the edge off my PMS lickity split. And helps with my calcium intake. Of course so does a bottle of wine and that requires a lot less prep work. Mr Apple favors just tossing a bottle of wine in my general direction and running the other way. He hasn’t died yet.

  16. Preach, Jenny! Seriously, milk for PMS??? Some Oreos, a bathtub of mac and cheese, maybe some weed… but never have I thought, “Hmm I’m about to perform a backalley hysterectomy to make these cramps stop, I think I’d like some dairy.”

  17. Hormone additives to conventional milk have been linked to early puberty in girls and, undoubtedly are related to the increase of menstrual challenges women face today, particularly related PMS. The very product that’s contributing to womens’ suffering is proclaiming to be the solution to the problem to deflect attention from the fact that it’s part of the cause. Unfuckingbelievable. The whole “drink milk “campaign as a source of calcium has been revealed as a sham n peer-reviewed studies for over a year now. The hypocrisy and the outright lies are as unacceptable as the sexism.

  18. thank you so much for the link to the ‘birth assessment tool’!! my daughter just had a baby last night(early this morning), and that is SO my son-in-law!! absolutely love your blog, jenny!!

  19. You’re coming to Alaska?! Awesome!!! If you are going to visit Fairbanks let me know and I’ll give you some ideas for fun shit to do (that way you aren’t stuck with all the tourist “sheeple”). Alaska rocks!

  20. you know what is awesome and a little bit disturbing?

    This past weekend at a blogging conference I heard reference to Beyonce on like 4 occasions. And EVERY SINGLE TIME they were talking about a fucking metal chicken. And everyone was all noddy and yes I totally know what you are talking about.

    That dancing to your left put a ring on it motherfucker Beyonce is totally going to sue your arse. Or Victors. Cause technically the chicken is his and you are just an innocent bystander.

    which ironically is the name of an awesome wine.

  21. Hi Jenny,

    this has pretty much nothing to do with your post today, but I didn’t know where else to write this. I’m so glad I stumbled upon you on Google+ today! I’m making the move (I think) from Facebook to there and I hope you post on there!

    thanks –
    g.

  22. It’s not the milk that makes us less bitchy, it’s the calcium. I guess they just focus on milk because it’s so… sexy?

  23. those sexist ads are definitely face-palm worthy. i can’t quite decide which sex it portrays in the worse light.
    makes me ashamed of the advertising community. y’all deserve to lose jobs over that heap o’ crap!

  24. Seriously stupid. You want to see my PMS go nuclear? Give me milk…I am ALSO severely lactose intolerant (I feel your pain) and about the only thing that can make me feel worse would be to make me severely bloated and ill on top of things. Those cow-loving retards need to get a grip.

    Love and stuff! 😉

  25. If my husband saw this, the only thing we would have in our frig is milk. But for now, Smirnoff Ice seems to work.

  26. You are simply hilarious. I just read about your “diabetic sandwich”. I hope I can be like you when I grow up.

  27. This is why we haven’t had a female president. Plus, I started the one-woman campaign entitled, “MILF: It does a body good.”

  28. Oh my gosh, are they serious with that ad? I am furious with milk and I am NOT PMSing. I feel a blog post coming on….Thanks for sharing.

  29. WTF milk? I’ve never been a big lover of milk, but now I want to boycott until every cow has mastitis (and I loooovvveee cows). I get it that advertising is supposed to get our attention and all, but this has me so pissed I want to drive to the nearest farm and punch a baby (cow)…I suppose that should really say “punch a calf” but “punch a baby” gets the attention better. maybe we should start an ad campaign for almond milk that says “drink almond milk so you don’t get so incensed you punch a baby!”

  30. I’m not even kidding. Someone boarded my plane yesterday with a Beyonce and I turned to my fiancé and said KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER uncharacteristcally loud. Which wasn’t so appropriate for such a packed plane. I think I’m on the no fly list now.

  31. Did you stop taking your meds? Because I’d totally act like that if I stopped taking my meds. And? Milk is bullshit and I hate even looking at it. Unless it’s in ice cream form.
    Yes, I took my meds this morning. Why are you asking?

  32. Wait. Milk. What? I have never heard that. It’s times like these that I’m thankful I don’t live in the U.S. Seriously? Milk? Fuck. The American Dairy Association is hurting, isn’t it?

  33. I’m all for milk – strong bones and what not – but I have a milk at least twice a day, and I’m still as bitchy as ever. For one week, I will drink a gallon a day, and if I’m still a bitch, I will call them out on their false advertising.

  34. I enjoyed going through your pinterest page. You have some seriously bad-ass taste.

  35. Okay, what about those of us who do NOT suffer from PMS (at least the bitchy part), but whose husbands do? Seriously – I have no idea why, but the general public doesn’t seem to realize that men have a cycle too, and mine turns into a complete donkey-ball-licking-asshole! He’ll say things like “what the fuck is your problem” – when all I did was say “ow” because my hip hurts! I sometimes wonder if a cast-iron frying pan upside his head will hit his “reset” button.

    And seriously Jenny, if you decide to wage a Holy Ovulation Crusade against the loser guys who created these advertisements from their mothers’ basements, I’ll come along for the fun! (C’mon, we all know these guys are 40, living at home with mom, and and look like they’re going through DTs if a woman shakes their hands!)

  36. You have me laughing out loud again! I needed this. Thank you so much for all your thoughts on life.

    And, I can’t believe I missed Will Wheaton’s birthday! Happy Belated Birthday, Will! (In case he’s reading.)

  37. Yay! We have a sociopath shirt! Also, I cannot believe my vagina and crazy uterus are allowing me to type this instead of watching rom-coms and eating chocolate and screaming at my family. It MUST be all the milk I drink.

  38. The milk commercials are terrible but legit studies have shown that calcium reduces symptoms of pms. I have pretty bad PMDD and this year quit caffeine and started taking 1200mg of calcium every day and I swear it’s made a gigantic difference. But I think the caffeine more so than the calcium.

  39. Also about the sociopath shirt: I totally vaguely remember posting that suggestion. I’m going to go squee and pretend that’s why you made the shirt. (shh, a girl can dream)

  40. I love you and HATE you, I am completely ADDICTED to pinterest thanks to you devil woman!

  41. the problem is that the agency and those that hired them think its ok to use this advert campaign and women should laugh at themselves, the problem is the ads are ragingly sexist and feed into that gloriously easy lie men tell themselves in order to ignore and demean women – which is that we are crazy at that time of the month, ergo whenever we are being crazy – read here for not agreeing with them – it must be that time of the month for us.

    when men at work respond in arguments over work related tissues by saying the female co-worker is on her period is he trying to demean and ignore her argument as irrational and not worthy of being looked at.
    when husbands and boyfriends ask are you having your period when they arent fully applying themselves to an argument

    we women all have irrational moments, but so do men.

    this ad campaign just perpetuates this type of behaviour from men towards women. I think it is fully within our rights to be pissed at this campaign and the Milk people who are happy to use it.

  42. You would be surprised how much eating a bunch of ice cream during your PMS time makes your mood improve! 😀 My daughter and I swear by it now, and hubby & son make sure they don’t eat the last bit of ice cream when either of us are PMS-y.

  43. I was going to orchestrate an intelligent response to the whole milk ad campaign gig, but Toni’s comment said it all.

  44. Hi,
    This campaign is a load of bollocks (as we say in England).

    I know of a good way to improve your mood when you have PMS.

    “Laugh in the Face of PMS Diary”
    Fasten your incontinence underwear and prepare to piss yourself laughing on a rollercoaster of hilarity and vulgarity. A British mother, living in California, tries to rid herself, her husband, two little kids, and killer cat of the dreaded PMS, which strikes terror into the household every month. The word irreverence takes on a whole new meaning. This hysterical diary of over 50,000 words does not simply help you laugh away your PMS (PMT), but also assists you in writing a resume that will ensure you never have to return to the workforce again. Men and women alike will learn how to deal with unwanted religious visitors to their homes, methods of coping with culinary disasters, and ways to use verbal abuse to rip new arseholes in those who cross your PMS-laden warpath. There is valuable advice about where and how not to travel with children, if you want life to be worth living.

    The author insists, “If you need medical help, this is not the place to seek it. It is not a substitute for a trip to see your doctor, although I sincerely hope that it will be a little more interesting.”

  45. Dude, the best part of this entire thing is that my husband’s name is Milk so instead of thinking about a beverage I was thinking about him.

  46. All I can say is, “Oh, helllll no!”. Wait, no, I could say more. If that stupid advertising company thinks they’re so clever and witty, let’s see how they help themselves out of being raged on by millions of women who don’t see how their campaign is so damn funny (what with the PMS and all). And seriously, are there no women working at that firm or for milk? What are they thinking?! If I didn’t have a 3 year old and go through 2 gallons of milk a week…

  47. Ps- My husband has never asked me if I was on my period, PMSing or anything like that. Because he is a smart man and he wants to keep the peace. But maybe we ladies should just act like that all the time or several times a month at random, just to confuse the men in our lives and keep them on their toes. Oh, and to keep the chocolate and jewelry coming.

  48. Look, you need to be nicer to milk. It is what our economy runs on, here in Nu Zillan. That and sheep. So sorry about your PMS and shit, but, really, Yay Milk.

  49. I checked out your cat in Gamma Squad. Out of interest (and being bored and sleepless at 5 am), I checked out the list of sources:

    1. Gamma Squad (http://gammasquad.uproxx.com/2011/07/han-solo-and-chewbacca-reunited-a-whistling-champion-and-links)
    2. sofapizza (http://sofapizza.me/post/8152994857/i-say-i-do-not-care-for-this-conoid-of-abashment)
    3. this is my boomstick (http://thisismyboomstick.tumblr.com/post/8105043016)
    4. What is this? i don’t even? (http://what-is-this-i-dont-even.tumblr.com/post/8103718827)
    5. iamthebatmads (http://iamthebatmads-deactivated201108.tumblr.com/post/8103705468) where I get a “not found” page.

    Arrgh! WHERE ARE YOU?

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