I saw this life-hack about how you can lightly trace notes on banana skins with toothpicks and then the next day the notes will show up like magic.
The person writing the tip suggested writing sweet notes for your kids on their bananas. I promptly went and traced notes on all of our bananas and then immediately forgot about it, until the next day when I heard Victor screaming about how the bananas were talking to him.
I acted like he was insane and like I couldn’t see any notes on the bananas, and asked if maybe he needed to go lay down and rest, but then he was all “I recognize your handwriting, dumb-ass. Why are you writing threatening letters on the bananas?” and I was like “Because we were out of post-its?” But then I finally admitted that I was just practicing, because I thought it would be funny to write paranoid demands on bananas at the grocery store, so that when people get them home they’ll be all “What the fuck? Are these bananas talking to me? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” Then Victor just shook his head and walked out of the room. Probably because he couldn’t stand how awesome I am.
PS. I suppose you could also write sweet, complimentary things on anonymous bananas, like “You’re so beautiful” and junk, but honestly I think having a banana hitting on me would be way creepier than one telling me to “Act natural. You’ll be contacted soon.” It’s probably just me.
PPS. I can only think of about 6 things to write on stranger’s bananas so if you have any suggestions, please leave them.
715 thoughts on “Listen to the bananas”
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Damn, even your banana pictures are funnier than mine.
I just spit ice all over my keyboard.
I am SO stopping at Kroger on the way home!
Going to the store now to buy some bananas!
Maybe it’s too early in the morning, but “writing things on stranger’s bananas” was fucking hilarious to me.
As for banana-writing-for-strangers suggestions: How ’bout, “I know what you’re REALLY going to use this for”? (And by that, I of course mean “battling your potassium deficiency.”)
more banana lines…
that shirt? really?
crocs are for idiots.
me cream pie. (get it? banana cream pie? …)
go suck an egg.
your mama’s so fat…
gin and juice
ke$ha was here.
i <3 apples
Banana dirty talk would be great. “Yes, I AM happy to see you.” “Have you ever seen one THIS big?”
“Eat me” ?
Holy crap, this is AWESOME. So many dirty things to write for my fiance on those. Wonder how long it’ll take him to figure out how I’m making it happen.
I’ll just tell him I’m buying dirty bananas.
That is laugh out loud funny! I wish my husband ate bananas so I could do the same! Instead, I will have to find strangers to scare the hell out of 😉
“Peel me to see a really big spider”
“Tip: Ebola is transmitted by touch”
“Help! 1601 Jefferson Ave HURRY”
Howsabout “This banana will self-destruct 30 seconds after eating it.”
If you were magic, then you could write on the inside of the banana skin, to only be seen after it’s completely consumed, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have a rash.” OMG rampant banana STDs!!
“Don’t mind the spots, it’s just monkey pee.”
Ahhh…we’re talking bananas and not, well, er, ‘Bananas’ *wink*. My way is also a ton of fun. Getting random men to lie still is a bit tricky, but do-able with sedation.
I have NEVER been so excited to go to the grocery. Those bananas are going to have so much to say!
*Inspiring, Jenny. Inspiring.*
I suppose “Eat me” is a little obvious… “phallic” would just be rude. “Call your mother” might help strengthen family bonds, or finally push someone over the edge of matricide. “Hi, my name is Anna” would be cute. “whadda you lookin’ at?” would be a good one for NJ…
This is brilliant and I want to do it so badly. It would give me so much joy! I just wish I would be able to see people’s response. Maybe I will try it on my roommate first like you did on Victor…
**Snickers** @ Erin. Excellent.
God, that’s cute!
I found out the other day that my 21-month old nephew loves bananas to the extent that, from half a store away he spotted them and started screaming, “BANANAS! Bananas bananas! Want BANANAS!” I should tell my sister to scratch “Time to go night-night” in the skins. It might save her a few migraines.
Don’t turn around!
Yours should have said , Hi, Victor
I once scratched “Don’t kid yourself. You know you did it.” on a banana and my ex told me he cheated on me with his favorite barista at Starbucks. I still can’t believe he confessed because of accusatory fruit. Also, I haven’t had Starbucks since.
Should I be worried that I was eating a banana when I came across this post? Now I’m afraid of what the rest of the bunch will have to say tomorrow.
I’m addicted. I came up with about a hundred in an instant.
These are not the bananas you’re looking for.
It’s a trap!
If found, please return to tree.
“I’m watching you”
I am SO doing this.
‘Hard on the outside, soft on the inside’
6 Things to write on bananas:
1. Let me out!
2. Buy a plantain.
3. C’mon. I have a kid.
4. For intended purpose only.
5. Wanna know what’s under the peel?
6. I’d eat you if I could.
That’s the most useful Lifehack I’ve read to date. I’m giddy imaginging the endless possibilities of messaging I can include on my tradesman husband’s lunch bananas. As you might imagine, his co-workers are relentless about his affection for the fruit.
Every once in a while, my 17 year old writes “Banana Phone” on a random banana…and I don’t know why!
If you are to leave the Bananas in thE grocery store I would write “Check out the melons over there.”
“I’m really a plantain”
“Don’t touch me, asshole”
“Eat more grapes”
“How YOU doin?”
“I can’t stand this bunch I’m with”
“I taste like chicken”
Of course, you must either write really small, or find some really long bananas for some of mine. I’m wordy.
Poor Victor must be dizzy for all the head shaking he does.
“For a good time call: 555-1212”
This banana will self-destruct in 60 seconds.
Writing threatening notes on bananas makes more sense anyway. I am totally going to have to try it out on my kids! Too funny.
“Eat an Apple”
–>How about – –
“It’s hot in here.”
“The monkeys scare me.”
“It isn’t easy being green.”
“Sometimes I feel fat too.”
“The brown spots are angel kisses.”
bahahahaha I love the readers comments as well.
“Eat me. I dare you.”
“You are going to do what with me?”
“We Are Watching”
I’m sure I could think of more if I really tried lol
I don’t care what you write on them, just be sure to sign them – love, metal chicken Beyonce.
“Tell no one.”
“look Behind you”
“Property of Copernicus” (of course, you could only use that at your house…)
You totally made my morning. And I’m going to get bananas after work…
I’m so glad I read this before I went to the grocery store today.
“Undress me” might be funny.
“The truth is out there.”
“You have a boogie.”
“Pervs are watching you eat this banana.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“I have a dream…”
“Have you seen my chicken?”
“Soon, Human. Soon.”
“IT HURTS, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.”
Beyonce’s writing on the bananas again.
I think you may have just increased the sale of bananas in the area. lol
I have to go to the store now, brb.
“The potatoes have eyes.”
“I’m with stupid —–>”
“No, I’m not happy to see you.”
Actually, I carve my son’s name into his banana for daycare. I’m going to start adding more and so I can weird out the caregivers by being more “creative.”
OH! and possibly “Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?”
must go do this immediately. and at $14.99 per kilo currently (that’s $7.50 a lb people, $7.50) it may just cross into fine art territory.
Banana: “Knock Knock, M.F.”
i say, i say….this is a pretty mucked up group reading this here post…..
Either that or I’m just grumpy because MOOG was right at two hours ahead of me for redrum, redrum
Though to that I would add a small pinky finger with eyes if I could draw stuff
“Buy a big metal chicken” You know to spread the movement. 😉
That made me laugh more than the bananas at the top of the page! Long live Beyonce!
Banana like human meat.
Eat me and I kill you.
Bananas are poison.
Bananas make you pregnant.
Banana like you.
I’ve got PLENTY of ideas–
“Stop picking your nose”
“No Means No”
“Don’t Forget Milk”
“TBMC was here.”
Haha that is cool. I would screw with so many people.
I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you can also use a needle to poke holes in the skins every 1/2 inch or so down the banana. when you have the needle inserted you move it back and forth. Then, when the person opens the banana it falls apart in slices.
I say, hit victor with both.
And maybe “Happy Breakfast, Motherfucker”
“Eat me and I will take your soul.”
“I’m what death tastes like.”
“Goodbye John.” (Write that on enough bananas and you’re BOUND to get one picked up by a John.)
“I carry rabies… And syphilis.”
That’s pretty much as dark as I can go for now. Give me half an hour to recharge and I’ll probably have more.
I would go with:
“They’re in the Pantry!”
“Banana Rights Now!”
There are more…oh, there are so many more….
You are too funny! And quite evil. Great combination. 🙂
How about you just write “I’m a banana, I’m a banana”? I so need to do that to one of ours, but then I will have to hear that damned song for days.
“Wash me, you have no idea where I’ve been.”
I was going to post some things to write on bananas but now I want to know where JJ lives and has to pay that much for bananas.
” Reserved ”
“Sorry, I’m not into that kind of thing ”
“You’re gonna do what?”
“Tag, you’re it”
“Don’t look behind you”
Can’t wait for the price of Banana’s in Australia to come down just so that I can try this. At almost $18AUD they are a tad pricey ATM.
Even just a name might stop the people I live with from stealing my fruit. So a good one for that would be “Property of “Insert your name here”
Oh my goodness, this was the perfect thing for first thing Monday morning. My mind also goes immediately to threatening messages, because they’re so much more fun when they mysteriously appear. Too bad my husband doesn’t like bananas . . . Oh well, random acts of insanity right?
You’re being followed. NO! Don’t look!
Don’t even blink
Are you the gatekeeper?
I am the keymaster
There’s something on your back
Also, I think it would be awesome to write a different message each day “5 days” “4 days” “3 days” “2 days” “1 day . . .” so it looks like the apocolypse is being spelled out in bananas, but you might want to do that one at home because I have a feeling it would cause a terrorist alert if you did it in the grocery store.
Since my bananas are only seen and eaten by me, unless I develop intermittent amnesia, writing messages on the ones at home is a waste of time. The grocery store, however …
Emergency dildo ONLY!
e. coli test sample
HOLD for Dept. of Agriculture
Did you hear that?
ORGANIC. No, really…
As Rod Ryan likes to say, which I can appreciate…
Bring the banana to your mouth, not your mouth to the banana.
(Otherwise it’s banana porn. Need I say more?)
“Runt of the bunch”
“Copernicus says you’re next”
Can’t lie… I’m immediately going to purchase bananas and leave them in file cabinets around the office with things like, “YOU’LL REGRET IT” and “HE’S WATCHING”.
And how is it that no one has brought up covering it with peanut butter?
Ohmygawd, I’m dying laughing. I can’t wait to leave a bunch of noted bananers at the boyfriend’s house next time I go up!
I see mass chaos ensuing at a grocery store near you! Or me…or all over the U.S. (& possibly other countries). This could be big. News worthy. Sheer Brilliance, Jenny!
I am totally stealing your hilarious idea. Go Bananas! Go, go bananas!
OMG, I am overwhelmed at your cunning, and am currently writing on bananas. Peer pressure, much? Thanks for the morning LMAO…
I am not clever enough to come up with something but that is too funny!!
“This banana is latex-intolerant.”
“Not for anal insertion”
“Batteries not included”
“45% genuine fruit”
“wash with similar colours”
“nanna fo fana”
“This banana intentionally left blank.”
Spam is made from bananas
You have red on you.
I look sexy.
Want to see a joke? Turn me over. (Repeat on the other side)
Hold me to your ear and hear the ocean!
I went the obvious route: “Knock, knock motherfucker.”
My aunt used to write sweet notes on bananas but then she went to the dark side and started leaving instructions:
“Clean your Room”
“Take The Dog Out”
“I Love You” on reverse side “HOMEWORK”
I always felt bad for my cousins.
this shit is
Don’t forget the rice crispies.
You know you want to.
Over-ripe – take that guy! –>
Totally gonna do this and mess with everyone!
I feel so awful. I just ate my banana, and didn’t even read it. What do you think it was trying to tell me?
How about the timeless and classic “Fuck You.” Maybe add an emoticon, too, like 😉
“Ignore what’s on the other banana”
Oh, the stories my bananas could tell…
You killed my family!
Start having it get mad with other fruit. “Don’t trust the apples…”, “The oranges are a lie!”, “Strawberries? Seriously?”
“It’s peanut butter jelly time!”
OMG, love this. I must go home and write some notes on the bananas right now!
I’m partial to ‘they know.’ It doesn’t get much more sinister than that.
Maybe a countdown to some imaginary event.
‘The grapes are planing an escape’
“FFS Just use your hand once in a while.”
Great way to freak your kids out! Ha!
Happy Simcoe Day!
is it possible to be incarcerated for banana defacing? I’d like to see a judge in *that* courtroom.
“You’re undressing me with your eyes again”
“It’s gettin hot in herrrr”
“Watch your step” – obviously for when you discard the peel on the ground…prat fall material.
• perhaps it could be used as a cross marketing effort?
“Buy Nilla Wafers and Vanilla Pudding”
“The grapes are looking at me.”
• maybe just really awesome movie quotes?
“But you ain’t got no legs Lt. Dan” ~ Forrest Gump
“What is your major malfunction numbnuts?” ~ Full Metal Jacket
“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.” ~ Planet of the Apes
I just love that Cara and I are both Doctor Who fans. I’m thinking of drawing a little police box on mine. Or Keep Calm and Carry On.
sketch a picture of Jesus’ face.
Size DOES matter!
“alien pod #4,293,928 B”
“put de lime in de coconut”
“Don’t eat me. I am saving myself for pudding!”
“soylent green is BANANAS”
(m/b time to cut off my supply of sci-fi)
The comments on this post are fucking fantastic, as is the post itself. All of my bananas are going to say “Moo.”
Also, I had to sing that Gwen Stefani song to myself in order to correctly spell “Bananas”.
P.S. This shit is bananas, yo.
@Mel Francis and @Nota SuperMom…..I fell out of my chair! Funny!
For banans at the store:
“Clean up on Aisle 4”
Or, I was thinking on the same bunch of bananas, write “Pick me! Pick me!” then on the others write things like “Dork” “Suck up” etc…
Size is EVERYTHING!
I see dead people
I swear it wasn’t me! It was the apple!
I’d do “We’re always watching” or “Turn around slowly” or “We saw what you did last summer” or “Bring Susan Wine”…
You know what they say about guys with big bananas…
Wow. My kids have been doing this for a long time. I didn’t realize that it was a “thing.” So, you’re telling me that my kids are “trendy?” I just thought they were a little dense. Especially since they were writing their own NAMES on the bananas and then claiming that “It wasn’t ME! I swear!” with wide, wide eyes which, you know, is kind of funny because they, too, have easy to recognize handwriting. Especially my daughter who writes some letters backwards, still.
Grocery store bananas should say something like “Oranges are healthier” or “Carnivores are wealthier.”
Will Wheaton says hi.
Do you have the security clearance?
You are my hero. Why didn’t I think of something as awesome as this?
People are freaked out enough as it is by the whole 2012 idea. So just write “2012” in a Banana at the store and watch people freak more! (or “2012 is near”)
Anon beat me to it.
I would just write: “Soon.”
put me in your pocket
the bloggess was here
I just toothpicked “put me inside you” on a bannana. Also, “we will rise again” and ” I WILL HAVE REVENGE”.
“Have you seen my mommy?”
“Where’s my family?”
Am I the only one who sees a face grimly staring out of the stem end of the “they know” banana? Time to list that fruit on eBay.
You really don’t want to know where I’ve been”
“banana cream pie is murder”
“ro ma romama, want your bad romance”
“ba na na hey hey hey goodbye”
And of course, the previously mentioned, “knock knock, motherfucker” simply must be included.
You need to set up on a whole bunch..
“stuck to tree”
Peel at your own risk.
Slippery when wet.
Contains 10% Pot- Do not inhale
Suggestion for banana graffiti: Knock, knock, mofo.
I wish I could write on bananas in the store!
I hope you choke
I’m pregnant, don’t eat me!
Is it wrong that I know want to go buy bananas just to see if a stranger has written something on them?
I wish I wasn’t allergic to bananas! This is hilarious. I will so risk getting sick to write on someone’s banana. Hopefully next time we go camping in a big group someone brings a bunch of bananas. mwahahahahahhahahaha
“My wife left town with a banana / My baby’s slippin’ away…”
Greatest idea ever… you should totally do it.
I will be sketching the Virgin Mary. Thanks.
Things to scratch on a banana:
The Pottermore clue for tomorrow is…
This would be so fun to do. Except I’d take the bananas to another aisle to write on them because the deli counter is right there and it would just look strange.
Do I AMUSE you?
I do believe that you and I were separated at birth… as I would so do this and I can totally picture the metal chicken scenario playing out at my house (and the conversation at the store) being identical with me. I love you and I think we should have beautiful babies together — except Im a female so I will likely have to admire you from afar — (or from the produce aisle via bananas)!
Get 2 of them side by side and write “eat him first” and on the other one “no, eat him first”
That would get me laughing!
My husband asked me to bring home bananas tonight. Coincidence? Hmmm…what are they going to say to him tomorrow???
Oh, now whenever I go over to someone’s house I am going to write on their bananas. This will be great. I am going to start with my grandmother.
“Orgasmic [crossed out] Organic”
“Don’t look up”
“This side up” [with arrow pointing to stem]
“Eat more broccoli”
“King Kong wuz here”
No good thoughts to add on what to write. My wife and I write to each other in the bathroom mirror after a shower. Write in the fog with your finger and the words show up again the next time the mirror gets fogged. It’s how I proposed and how she accepted.
Have to consider writing some of these interesting suggestions, except she’ll know it’s me doing the writing. Hm.
1. Ring Ring
2. Undress me
3. This sh*t is…
Thanks for making me spit out my coffee this morning =) Really. I wanted to make a mess…
How about fortune cookie-style fortunes?
Walk the straight and narrow path for now.
What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
You need to talk to someone.
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
May you live in interesting times.
Oh, wait. That last one is a curse…..
I am sooo doing this!
I have never liked bananas. Now I know why. I will, however, continue to buy them for my family. Only THIS time, I’ll write horrifying things and see if they even notice. They probably won’t. That’s the worst part about trying terrify oblivious people. *sigh*
This is gold. I just bought a bunch today and I’m off to write on them now.
I think I’ll put PEEL HERE with an arrow pointing to the wrong end. Surely someone in my family is daft enough to fall for it.
I can no longer read your blog at works. My colleagues are getting suspicious. I will have to leave bananas strategically placed around my desk.
Put your mouth on me
Either we read the same sites or I’m becoming like you from too much exposure to your blog. 🙂 First you have the Cookie monster cupcakes I just made with my child and just this am I saw the banana trick and wrote “I’m dying here!” on one in the kitchen.
could you set up a google voice phone and have a voicemail with mission details and just carve the phone number on the banana?
Too funny, and so timely as a friend made banana cream pie last night and had my hubby and I over to share.
Since nobody else has suggested it yet, I would say to write “Nanerpus” and “I love pancakes” on bananas. Bonus points for drawing on the eyes and moustache as well. For those who don’t remember or have no clue what I’m talking about, Here’s Nanerpus!
And I can’t wait until my son can read and I will leave him notes like, “Go back to bed and don’t wake mommy.”
Thanks for the inspiration!
I TOTALLY just pinned this. Thanks for keeping me in stitches!
Me Say Daaay-O
Me Wanna Go Home
My husband is insisting we go to the grocery store now to write “DOOOOOM” and “REPENT” all over the bananas. Five dollars says we get kicked out half-way through the first DOOOOM and end up with DOOO.
I think you should write messages like “please don’t eat me” or “I have a soul too” – really freak them out when they go to eat their bananas the next day.
Also? Yeah, i am going to do this too. LOL
I like “undress me.” 🙂
If you write “These are not the bananas you’re looking for”, you’ll have to write the same thing on the whole bunch, so it would be like a Jedi banana chorus.
I work in a silent testing room and had to get up and walk out bc I was laughing so hard.
You could at least buy me dinner first!
10 inches (on about a 6 inch banana)
It was the butler in the kitchen.
eeew, your hands smell-where have they been
Idea for a whole bunch
1. Knock Knock
2. Who’s there
3-? and so on.
Also, you should totally put up a link to your website.
Loved @M “put me inside you” but I would say “I want to be inside you”
Either way, I have a feeling that when I get the bananas home from the grocery, I’ll find that someone else has already written on all of them. Thank you, bloggess, for creating this fad that everyone wants to try and one that noone will get to try because the first person to the grocery store will have their way with every single banana on display!
I now know what I’m going to do when I get back to my flat-mates.
man was is stuffy in there
im real, check your nightstand for the other one.
I am dying over here!
“I’m watching you…”
“Go to (insert address here) NOW”
“It’s up to you now. You are the only one who can save us.”
“Meet me in the dairy section.”
“Is that a banana or are you happy to see me?”
“Don’t look now.”
“DON’T EAT ME!”
“Hey asshole, why not an orange for once?”
This is not the banana you’re looking for.
I licked all of these.
I want to become pie.
Or maybe pi?
May the potassium be with you!
How about, “Don’t even think about it, you dumbass fetish freak?” Makes people rethink the phallic produce purchases.
Of course, I’d need to know what the word count capabilities of an average sized banana are so I can know whether or not I should mail fruit baskets with my manuscript etched into the bananas to lit agents around the world. It could be like seeing the Virgin Mary in the mold in your refrigerator, it’s a divinely inspired sign you should rep my book.
This is fucking brilliant. I’m heading to the grocery now…
Thank you, Dear Bloggess and subsequent posters for making this the most hysterical Monday ever! I’ll be off to the supermarket with toothpicks in hand. But first I will practice with the two unsuspecting ‘nanners’ in the kitchen!
Holy cow, these coments are funny!!!!!
I was going to say “This shit is…” But I see some people beat me to it.
Of course, now all I’m singing in my head is B A N A N A S!
I ain’t no hollaback guuuuurl.
I’d go to the grocery store and write… “you just won $1000.”
Veins and a foreskin. My local market has some pretty greenish bananas now. If I adulterate them, it’ll be days before the image shows. I think I have to go to the store now…
You want to know what is even better? Actually writing on a banana. No joke. Get a Bic pen and go crazy. It’s the most wonderful surface. Like writing on a baby’s bottom. Not that I’ve ever had a chance to compare.
OMG- you are one funny lady!!!
for left-in-store bananas:
Best Before (date 2 days ago)
If found, please return to (store you are sabotaging)
I can’t breath!
Yes, we have no bananas today
you look tasty
be gentle! I bruise easily
I think I’ll head to the grocery store now. I’m thinking:
Whatever you do, don’t blink.
Better than fava beans.
I see you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I know what you did.
I’m also thinking of adding websites. Free advertising, Jenny!
Please draw the Virgin Mary. Then your banana can be sold for millions on Ebay.
“Don’t eat me. I’m poisoned.”
“Also, don’t trust that guy to your left. He looks suspicious.”
“Fine, go ahead, eat me. You took my wife and children earlier this week–what do I have to live for?”
“Yes, bananas have feelings too, you monster.”
For a good time call 555-1212 (insert your worse enemies phone number here).
“You know what to do with me.”
Oh, wait, I rethought that last one. It’d be better to say:
If found, return to (a competitor’s store) 🙂
Wow. My mother says you’re like an evil version of me, and I think she may be right. This only makes me want to be more evil, of course, out of sheer jealousy.
I’m working on it, even though it will probably piss off my ghost, who seems fairly non-evil.
Also I am adding “Write on Strangers’ Bananas” to the daily checkoff list on my iPad (recurring). I like to be organized about these things, although sadly I don’t come into contact with all that many strangers’ bananas. But it’s good to be optimistic – Law of Attraction and all that happy crappy. 🙂
Smell this, its your mom…
“You have a purty mouth”
“Talk fruity to me”
“Please insert orally.”
I picked you.
Hilliarous! Love it.
1) Don’t turn around
2) The crow sleeps at midnight
3) On an entire bunch of bananas, like a big bunch of them, write “All of these were in a vagina but one. Guess which”
4) Don’t look in your mirror
Wow, I’m having such an uncreative morning. How depressing with a post like this that just begs for hilarity.
Too funny…I’m totally doing this to my brother….he’s a total “snowboarder dude” and it will REALLY trip him up.
“The produce manager followed you home last night.”
Tu tienes novio, no?
Han shot first.
Free toy inside!
I taste better covered in chocolate.
Awesome. I think this would be a great place for company sponsorship. They could write “Michellin” or “Tide” on the sides of bananas! Then they could put wheels on them and make them race around a track for hours. Endless fun for rednecks.
If that doesn’t give you nightmares…nothing ever will.
The hub-let and I were trying to figure a way to build the nannerpuss costume for Halloween…I’d be the ‘cakes, he’d be the puss. It’s only fitting.
Still working on it.
All your banana are belong to us.
And “these are not the bananas you’re looking for” = genius.
We don’t even eat bananas but I am pretty sure I must go buy some now. I am picturing talking bananas showing up all over the world in stores and law suits springing up with police trying to find out who is responsible for all the banana tampering.
I swear I will not mention your name.
You guys are so hilarious!! But I think you could take it one step further and add “worms”. Poke a spaghetti noodle through one end of the banana and let it sit overnight. When somebody bites into it, they’ll think it’s a worm. Haha. It would be even funnier if you put “one of us has worms” on the outside of one in a whole bunch.
“Tsk, tsk you potassium WHORE!”
“We need to buy more Post-Its”
Or 867-5309, @UnderwaterAttackCat
not kidding; REPENT
Don’t look now
He’s behind you
We’re out there
You’ve got mail
Will explode in 3,2…..
I’m watching you
The enemy is real.
I look better naked.
Turn around. (then on the flip side, Made you look.)
Get thee to a nunary.
Tastes like monkeys.
Most of the good ones are alreay spoken for!
International banana of mystery
I know you are, but what am I?
If found, return to Grape Ape.
To rent this space please call xxx-xxx-xxxx
Vote for Pedro!
I am number 4
I was at Woodstock
Unripe, try tomorrow
I have the negatives
You and what army?
Buy one – Get 4 free
TOTALLY. DOING. THIS.
Tell My Monkey I Love Him.
You definitely need one that says “Scratch N Sniff”, then hide around the corner to see who is actually dumb enough to do it. Tee hee….
“A Tally Man once tried to tally me so I ate his liver with some fava beans and nice Chianti…”
You could spread the message out over a bunch. Banannabal Lecter. Just sayin’.
Hey! You dropped your pocket.
Eat Mor Aples (al la Chick-Fil-A)
Caution, not to be used as a flotation device
Caution, cape does not enable wearer to fly
Caution, not to be eaten under water
RUN! The call is coming from inside your house!
You are the chosen one.
Take me to your leaders.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Life is better on other planets
Oh! OH! OH!!!! This is the best thing I’ve heard since EVER! My job buys produce for the staff and bananas are a big hit (we’ve got a lot of orally fixated girls up in here; Freud would have a field day!). I should totally mess with my co-workers. Screw SHOULD, I totally AM going to mess with my co-workers!
I have more:
WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT…WHOA..WHOA
NOT A BANANA
DO NOT INGEST
I THINK WE NEED A BIGGER BANANA
Do not Remove This Tag Under Penalty of Law
“Warranty Void If Seal Broken”
I love it! My team just went to camp and they do a “go bananas” cheer! I will post the link…
HELP! I’M BEING HELD HOSTAGE INSIDE A FORTUNE COOKIE COMPANY!
Can’t WAIT for my boyfriend’s daughter to go back home so I can write naughty stuff on his bananas!
“The fat man walks alone.”
Try this one… “I’m a phone. Hold me to your ear.”
I know who you are…
I saw what you did…
No, really, we’re here…
Call your mother…
Pass this on…
Peel — then eat…
Tastes like chicken…
This is great. The guys I used to work with (at a garage) liked propping a banana between two apples. It was funny until a customer would show up.
*The best 7 inches of your life.
*Firm and Tasty
*Raw and Uncut
*You’ve got a pretty mouth.
*Test Code 69874
I saw this on pinterest…So have to write something that shows up in my daughter’s lunch box…Like. “Just cuz all your FRIENDS eat bananas…” or ” Aren’t you glad I didnt pack an orange”
Obviously love letters from Copernicus. Run faster.
Oh. My. God. I love you…and your bananas! Where do you come up with this shit?
Hi! I stumbled onto your blog from I don’t know where-but you are now locked in tight with a link on my blogs “Good Reads” I would write more but, hell, my blog is so full of why-are-we-here existential…crap that I’d just rather read yours!
Good bye cruel world
Don’t eat me. It Hurts
I’m with stupid—>
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Help Me (in wretched, disjointed handwriting)
Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Where is YOUR tin foil hat?
Can’t stop the signal
twitter ruined my life
add me on face book
I saw what you did there!
If you like Pina Coladas….
Please don’t feed the Gorillas
Any movie quote about insanity, conspiracy or sex would work, actually. Or Harry Potter
Damn. My imaginary roommate can be so glad he/she does not exist right now. I would banana-torture the living shit out of them. If I had any bananas. Or roommates.
Hm. There are serious flaws in my plan right now.
This is CLASSIC. Here are a few more things to write on bananas:
Put me down!
You have good hands
Need more cowbell
I <3 Bananarama
I see you
Are you high?
Or, you could put public service announcements!
Brush your teeth
Eat your veggies (not me)
brush your hair
I had a slew of things to write, was nearly on my way to the store! Then I remembered things aren’t the same as not too many years ago… I’d most likely end up in jail for some infraction against homeland security for even looking at a banana crosseyed, let alone writing anything. The banana has found safe haven thanks to terrorism.
I like liver
The Monkey knows
Psssst. You’re leaking.
Eat more grapes!
You won’t shit for a week!
Some ass hole wrote on me with a toothpick!
Don’t look under your bed.
I’ve got to try this the next time I’m at the grocery store.
Not in the ass!
#1 fruit for teaching girls to deep throat.
I’m Organic and you’re worth it!
The Organic Bananas Lie…
When my nerd friends and I were in high school, we used to write random, anonymous notes with pen on bananas and leave them places – peoples’ doorsteps, on top of cars (strangers’ cars…each others’ cars…whatever). Sometimes, we’d skip the notes altogether, and just leave bananas. Yep. We were totes awesome. It’s funny how the random, unexpected banana (containing a message, or not) can be ridiculously, gigglingly menacing…
Go to Wal-Mart and write Surprise, you’re on peopleofwalmart.com/
If Jesus rose on the third day…
Wouldn’t that make him Zombie Jesus?
Why is my savior trying to eat my brain?
What happens in Vegas…
…ends up on random bananas.
Call (XXX)XXX-XXXX for a good time. I would totally put my psycho supervisor number on as many as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……::deep breath:: BUWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAHA! I love it! And I even have to hit up the grocery store this evening….. hmmm……
“Knock knock MOFO”
3at MoR3 Candy
Dole 4 Prez
Scratch HERE X
(soooooooooooooooooo very obvious)
You FUCKING CRACK ME UP!!!!! You are consistently and surprisingly funny! You rock!
I think you should buy a whole CASE of bananas and write on them “at least they aren’t towels either!”. Muahahahahahahaha!
You really just make each day brighter… Not to mention, those who leave comments also leave me laughing so hard it hurts.
Check your zipper.
Wash your hands.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Beware the Ides of March.
New and Improved.
Wait for the signal.
Elvis was MY biggest fan!
Things to write on bananas. As in…..I have to do this now.
I want it back
Don’t touch me
Not here ..there
You make me laugh so hard. Don’t ever change.
Literally had a conversation today that ended with “at least I’m doing it on bananas and not buying a MOFO chicken!”. You are right. Beyonce is a great teaching tool!
congrats. you have single-handedly created an international army of banana-vandals. you’ll be more notorious than Banksy.
also, you should take advantage of free advertising by having all your readers write “thebloggess.com” on all the bananas in the store. think of all the new page hits!
btw, if i ever start a band, “the banana-vandals” would be a strong contender for a name.
The zombies are behind you
It’s not my fault
Eat this & grow a tail
Ask again later (and all the other magic 8 ball options)
Ring ring ring
How about, “that’s right baby, peel it off real slow…”
I buy the rice Krispies that you write notes on them and put things like
“did you mow the lawn”
“Take out the Trash, NOW”
It helps keep The Boy focused on his chores.
In honor of this post, a story that bears repeating, I just told the Rev. on 13 one of my deepest darkest secrets: once a psychic said I would be a cult leader, and I had the nerve to ask if its ok that we worship bananas. And now you, Ms. Bloggess (a cult leader in her own right) have provided the method for delivering my message. Banana Graffiti. I am off to all the local groceries to write spiritual messages for all brave enough to shed their the peel of sin.
Your contribution will be noted at the Palmy Gates and I will be sure not to forget you when the last supper comes: Banana Cream Pie and kool aid for all!!!!
how about something simple, like “take me to your leader.”
…you could always write…. “The rash will go away….eventually”
You always provide so many practical tips about living. I’m so glad I now have a way to freak out friends and strangers.
I <3 you
I need a good lay
good and hard
“Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.”
“Beware the Ninja Banana”
“110 Calories. 3g Fiber. 450mg Potassium”
They’re Watching You
You are going to DIE
I have a message from the future
If you can read this, don’t look so obvious!
Um, considering the prior post to this is called “I will kill all of you” (or something. I meant to remember but then switched to this page to write it and this is what you get. If that’s not it – dude, YOU wrote it. I don’ t know why *I* have to tell you what is says. Are you half high again?), I feel like you can probably come up with plenty of things and/or just use all old blog titles (well, only those that will fit on a banana – some are long).
PS – Dude, it tells me your last post title below – I will kill everybody. You do care about the little people (and by that I mean drunks and alz heimers patients)!
PPS – I first mistyped it as “I will call of you.” That would also be weird on a banana, but not that threatenting.
Well crap. All the good names have been taking. I’m currently plotting how to sneak into the school cafeteria and write on all the lunch bananas or perhaps convince the lunch ladies that it is worth their time. I would love to have my students pick up bananas with smart-ass sayings. Nothing too offensive of course….
“You’ve made a huge mistake.”
Push a needle in and waggle it and you can slice a banana without peeling it and with no visible sign of tampering. Now you can write ‘Pre-Sliced’ or ‘I’m all cut up’ on the outside.
The best time to write has to be just before your loved one packs their lunch box. It will freak them out when they know they packed a perfect banana and when they open the box it has writing on it >:-)
This is PRICELESS! I can’t wait to go fuck with my kids…I mean, write them love notes. Ahem. I’m thinking something like “eat more apples” or “maybe next time I’ll peel YOUR skin BWAHAHAHAHAH!” I’m still working on the ominous messages.
OK so I’m too lazy to scroll through 273 messages to see if someone suggested this, but I think it would be cool to take a pic of the leprosy monkey holding a secret message banana. That would be ultimately creepy.
Not sure if someone already thought of this but if not. I am SO going to start a business making banana stencils.
“Don’t let the monkey with snout leprosy eat me please.”
“Is that one of my relatives in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Don’t you want me baby, don’t you want me oooooooohhhhhh”
“Does anyone remember Bananas in Pajamas? Why can’t I have pajamas?”
You are a genius.
“This banana is not a toy”
“Mind your own business”
“You will ive a long and prosperous life.”
You should write “This shit is…” like the Gwen Stefani song.
Just who the hell are you?!
Who dressed you this morning?
Stop. Drop. Roll.
Take me to your leader
You’re lucky I don’t have teeth
I have several more but I need to get some damn work done today. And I have to carve shit in hubby’s bananas. Bwahahaha!
That’s awesome. I was sort of expecting you to write something along the lines of “Copernicus was here”.
Banana Phone! 🙂
“Don’t take that one – I’m more a-peeling!”
I predict a rush on bananas across North America this week.
Totally meant to direct my previous comment to @Renee (comment 29)…. oops.
Definitely “Will you marry me??” Do it on enough bananas and you’re bound to fuck up some guy’s day when his girlfriend sees it.
Vote *insert favorite candidates name*
Insanely stupid quotes from political candidates (you know who!)
Also thought sketch of Jesus. Can do Virgin Mary, too.
Your favorite/famous movie quotes. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I coulda been a contender! etc.
u r not nuts
u r bananas
Lay Off the Pipe
Wait for it…
We’re on a mission from God
Didn’t you know? We choose you.
“please- i have children.”
WHOA-HOA! Can’t wait for tomorrow morning!!! Just wrote all over the bananas for my kids to find. (“Did you make your bed?”, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”) The voice of God (well mine) will forever be in their heads now. I should probably program a therapists number in my phone now though.
I was thinking bananas may become the healthy alternatives of candy hearts.
Which would lead to bananas with
So much freakier with bananas somehow than with candy hearts. I wonder why that is… I’m thinking it’s the psycho banana trail you’ve put us on!
My mind is going a mile a minute… hope I can remember the ones that flew through…
Not here the feds are watching
Bad touch! Bad touch!
Your hands are so smooth
What’s your sign?
Do you come here often?
I’m tellin’ MOM
The monkeys are after me.
Got any whipped cream?
You can’t handle the fruit!
As you wiiiiiiiiiiiisssssshhhhhhhh
I’m the key to the JFK conspiracy
I was King Kong in my former life
Shoes are my weakness
Be all that you can Banana
Witness Protection Program
I totally have a manager’s retreat coming up in October I wonder if they can put bananas on the breakfast buffet for me… I would have so much fun with all of the hung over managers…. hehehehe I feel some evil coming on…
I love knowing that there are 261 other people who are going to be carrying toothpicks to the grocery store and/or spending extra time in the produce section looking for banana notes!
PS – @BananaNotes is available
The Bloggess wuz here…
I’m watching you
Taste the Rainbow
……this works on nectarines……I tried…… 🙂
Hey! Hey apple!
Would it be wrong to write, “I want a divorce” on the bananas at the store? I mean it might open up the lines of communication in some homes, or lead to homicides… well, either way somebody’s losing a house.
“Dance For Me”
“You Are Here”
“I Forgive You”
“It Has Begun”
“Go Ahead: Measure” (under this you would need to mark off inch-long segments, like a ruler — you know someone would use it)
I may have to actually go grocery shopping for this.
‘i can see you’
‘meet me at 3’
… mind you, with how expensive bananas are here, they’re probably under video surveillance.
Love it!! How about….
” FAILED” or
” Can you read this?” – Just to mess with unsuspecting shopper!!
OH MY HELL!!! I wish I’d known this when I was at the grocery (which I NEVER go there….unless it’s for wine) for bananas when I had to make that banana pudding. But, on the upside, since we’ve got some leftover bananas here…..I may just have to freak hubby out a bit. It will put some “pep” into our Tuesday.
This is epic!
I don’t personally like bananas, but I DO like playing dirty tricks on people.
Here’s some thoughts…
“Open Here” (with an arrow pointing to the tip)
“Let me out of here”
“I’m tainted. Pick my friend to the left.”
“I know what you did.”
“The apples are against us”
“Don’t abuse me”
“I want to be in you”
“Your wife is trying to kill you”
“Potassium it is in me”
“Your cover has been blown.”
“Deliver the Package at Noon, Or Else the Monkey Gets It!”
SIDE ONE: “Orange you glad…”
SIDE TWO: “BANANA. HAH! Fuck you.”
“You killed the wrong person.”
“I see dead people” would be a creepy awesome one to use. LOL
I’m waiting for news headline to feature a religious nut screaming about impending Judgment Day because he/she found Jesus on a banana.
Of course, they wouldn’t know it was toothpicked on, yaknowwhatimean??
I like the idea of adding a helpful hint: “If you have leg cramps, you should eat me.” Or going altogether lowbrow: “Buy me and turn me into poo.”
This. Is. Fantastic.
I am now inspired to write semi-threatening messages in the bananas of my co-worker.
Could you just imagine?
Oh I’m giddy with excitement at the possibilities!
I’d write “knock knock motherfucker” and then leave it outside the bathroom door so my husband sees it when he wakes up in the morning.
I’m pretty sure their is something wrong with you – Can’t Wait to try this on my husband in the morning!!!
Oh Jen – thank you. My hubby just brought home bananas today.
He should fear me….
Don’t take the blame for what Copurnicus did… We all know it was the monkey.
How about, “Where’s my hammock?”
On two bananas in a bunch:
Be very afraid
Or how about just plain “split!”
This isn’t your banana
Holy cow! I want to go buy bananas right now to freak out the hubs. You’re a genius, but you know that. 🙂
“Squeal like a pig”
Personally I think finding “How’s it goin, suger tits” on a banana would be splendid and brighten my whole day!
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.
I went with “HELP!”
In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.
I went with “HELP!”
I’d probably sketch a picture of Jesus then sell tickets to the pilgrims who would come.
“You primates are all alike”
“I’d rather be hang gliding”
“There is no Santa Claus”
Demon babies, unite!
Help! I’m a prisoner in a banana factory!
(that’s from my nonagenarian father)
‘I’m normally a lot bigger’
‘WHAT? It’s cold in here.’
‘At least I bring my own protection.’
I’m just going to write things on the bananas in the grocery store and not buy them, because they’re like $12 a kilo or something here still. Poo.
Ooooh…I hope this hasn’t already been suggested!
“It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!”
Okay the baby woke up because I was laughing so hard at this. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Wow, I laughed for like 5 minutes. Now I’m going to write all over the bananas I bought yesterday.
Turn around slowly.
Check the window.
I also agree with Anon up there who suggested that you sketch Jesus’ face in one. Hell, that’d be on the NEWS. And we’d all know it was you.
“I hang to the left.”
“I take an extra large Trojan.”
“Please don’t put me in the dark place!!!”
“better in bread”
For the decent artists out there… drawing a Jesus face….
I have GOT to go to Wal-Mart and do this.
What about something simple like “Go have some cake instead”?
“For a good time, peel me”
Still cackling, toothpicks & list of fav messages in hand, mini-van keys in the other…handsome husband totally baffled as I race out the door, but if I hurry, I can get to our local market before they close @ 10pm.
Tomorrow, enormous coffee in hand, loitering in the produce section — can’t think of a more amusing way to spend my morning?
Knock Knock Motherfucker
Sorry….that’s all I’ve got today.
I would write:
“I’m a plantain. I was framed!”
“The cheese stands alone.”
“I want my two dollars!”
not only did i laugh so hard i nearly wet my pants, i also read it to my hubby who thought i had lost my mind. wait til tomorrow when he’s forgotten all about it and he sees what i wrote on the bananas….
My husband used to manny for some friends of ours that were on-call nurses. Lots of late nights. Any way, they had this really old cat that was always puking up something. One night Chris got home and realized he had cat vomit on his shoe. He had stepped in it somewhere in their house. He called our friends and whispered “there’s cat vomit in your house” and then hung up. That is the warning I’d scratch into some unsuspecting shopper’ bananas.
ROCK ON! Thanks! I’m using this as a parenting aid to scare the shit out of my children. Ghost or God?
CLEAN YOUR ROOM
EAT YOUR DINNER
A binary banana could be entertaining, too. http://www.convertbinary.com/
I saw one with cutesy writings from pinterest, but yours is sooooo much funnier.
Keep this from your husband. He’s insecure enough
* Really size doesn’t matter.
* Buy giant metal chickens.
* (Written really small) Nutrition Information for a Banana
* Don’t forget!
oh if only I could get close enough to a banana.. But at $14kg well just looking at them costs a fortune. I am banana deprived! So in my case writing “You can’t afford me” or “Try an orange, she’s cheap” sort of fits..
Hey, nice pants.
You want me to peel your skin and eat your insides?
If you really want to freak someone out with bananas, use a needle to poke holes along it, wiggling the needle back and forth each time you poke a hole. Do this along the entire length of the banana, and you’ve basically managed to “slice” the banana without opening it. Then when someone opens it, it’s already sliced, and they freak out. I usually just tell people “Oh, it’s the newest thing in fruit, didn’t you know? Already sliced banana. Genetically altered.”
There is bound to be a news article by tomorrow afternoon talking about how relationships have failed, families were destroyed, and people were flocking to the nearest psychiatric “care facilities”.
How about ….
“eat more applez”
I am bringing a toothpick with me next time I go to the store.
Things I would write on bananas for strangers:
1. Do you really want to eat me?
2. Do you really want to make me cry?
Is it sad that the first thing I thought of was to quietly inscribe a URL onto a banana bunch in the supermarket. Carve TheBloggess.com (or another URL) on the sly as you “examine” a few banana bunches, then buy one bunch (it’s only fair) and see if anyone comes to your site via banana marketing.
How about “One of us is going to kill you.”
<–That one is going to kill you.
No, I'm not, he is!
He's right behind you!
The caller is INSIDE THE HOUSE!
(This is waaaaay too much fun.)
Banana purchases are going to skyrocket. 🙂
“Ceci n’est pas une banane”
This is why I read you before bed. At the end of a really shitty day, I can plot against my family with a totally legal and biodegradable weapon. On my sister’s banana *switched at birth*.
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! . . . how about a little simple
outline of a figure that looks like the virgin Mary? I can not wait
to do this!!!
“you’re being watched”
OMG! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my daughter to try more fruit and things good for her. I wrote on our bananas “I hope Izzy tries me”, “Try me!”, “I’m tasty”, “I taste even better!”…… Fingers crossed 🙂
THE EAGLE FLIES AT DAWN
Watch out for trolls
The zombies are coming
Eat my shorts
Bananas have been talking to me for years. Only in actual voices. It never occurred to me that this might be unusual until today. Thanks a lot.
LOL!! I use that a lot but not usually so literally. FUNNY
“Who you calling a banana?!”
This reminds me of a “magic trick” I did as a kid: use a needle to go through the banana and make slices carefully without leaving any marks other than the needle holes. (I hope this makes sense). Sure to delight a kid! (Or Victor)
To #361 Teresa: I know have an earworm going on. Thanks a lot!
write: Yes, we have no bananas! ( But they clearly do! )
“Radioactive”. Because bananas are indeed radioactive.
For External Use Only
Apple the other white meat.
Brush your teeth first!
I’d be smellin’ the melon.
Why do I always have to get undressed fist?
Ring ring… banana phone.
Please. Peel me slowly.
For Practice Only
Not Intended for Human Consumption
This End Up (no arrow)
Orange You Glad?
Ummm… I was promised a hammock?
My husband says that you should write on the bananas very descriptive diagram on how to insert them
“I’ve been licked”
How about, “I want to be inside you.”
That is awesome!
I can’t think of anything good 🙂 But some of the other commenters are killing me!
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.
THAT ISN’T COFFEE.
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.
AT NIGHT, THE SPIDERS COME.
Yay for the comments! Pretty much every idea I had has been said already (even Soylent Green reference). Have we had “Not a banana” yet?
i would pay good money to spend a little time in your brain…. it works in mysterious ways
Hahahhahaa I am totally trying that…when I can afford bananas again… $12 a kilo? Ick.
No-one wants sweet love notes on bananas. Where’s the fun in that? I think I’ll spend the $12 just to see my husband’s face when he opens his lunchbox at work…wait, maybe I will write embarrassing love notes. His macho workmates’ reactions would surely be priceless.
I have never laughed to hard in my life! So funny. My husband couldn’t even understand what I was saying as I tried to read it out to him. I love Bananas, in fact I bought a whole bunch from the supermarket today, but thanks to YOU I will never look at them the same way again. Now, where are those toothpicks…
“Be alert not alarmed” – Australia’s anti-terror slogan. I don’t think we’re very good at those but it might work better on a banana. They do say that the medium is the message.
And while we’re on the subject of naughty-fun -times in the supermarket I was there today (unfortunately before I saw Jenny’s post or things might have gone very differently) and I had to ask the deli lady for a handful of shaved hot Hungarian salami. I apologized for the unintended dirtiness of the request but she just looked at me strangely.
#350 Cindy ” There’s cat vomit at your house.” You cracked me up!
“Eat me, pal .. and I’m send my ‘family’ after you, Capiche?”
Justice will be served…
I’m A Banana!
‘Trapped in storeroom. Call police’
‘Beware the grapes’
‘Banana intentionally blank’
‘I’ve been in a bum’
‘Sponsered by Pepsi’
You are crazy and funny. Oh, and awesome. victor is very lucky.
How about these: