Listen to the bananas

I saw this life-hack about how you can lightly trace notes on banana skins with toothpicks and then the next day the notes will show up like magic.

The person writing the tip suggested writing sweet notes for your kids on their bananas.  I promptly went and traced notes on all of our bananas and then immediately forgot about it, until the next day when I heard Victor screaming about how the bananas were talking to him.

I acted like he was insane and like I couldn’t see any notes on the bananas, and asked if maybe he needed to go lay down and rest, but then he was all “I recognize your handwriting, dumb-ass.  Why are you writing threatening letters on the bananas?” and I was like “Because we were out of post-its?”  But then I finally admitted that I was just practicing, because I thought it would be funny to write paranoid demands on bananas at the grocery store, so that when people get them home they’ll be all “What the fuck?  Are these bananas talking to me?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”  Then Victor just shook his head and walked out of the room.  Probably because he couldn’t stand how awesome I am.

PS.  I suppose you could also write sweet, complimentary things on anonymous bananas, like “You’re so beautiful” and junk, but honestly I think having a banana hitting on me would be way creepier than one telling me to “Act natural.  You’ll be contacted soon.”  It’s probably just me.

PPS.  I can only think of about 6 things to write on stranger’s bananas so if you have any suggestions, please leave them.

715 thoughts on “Listen to the bananas

Read comments below or add one.

  1. As for banana-writing-for-strangers suggestions: How ’bout, “I know what you’re REALLY going to use this for”? (And by that, I of course mean “battling your potassium deficiency.”)

  2. more banana lines…

    that shirt? really?

    crocs are for idiots.

    me cream pie. (get it? banana cream pie? …)

    go suck an egg.

    your mama’s so fat…

    gin and juice

    “organic”

    ke$ha was here.

    i <3 apples

  3. Banana dirty talk would be great. “Yes, I AM happy to see you.” “Have you ever seen one THIS big?”

  4. Holy crap, this is AWESOME. So many dirty things to write for my fiance on those. Wonder how long it’ll take him to figure out how I’m making it happen.
    I’ll just tell him I’m buying dirty bananas.

  5. That is laugh out loud funny! I wish my husband ate bananas so I could do the same! Instead, I will have to find strangers to scare the hell out of 😉

  6. More suggestions:

    “Peel me to see a really big spider”

    “Tip: Ebola is transmitted by touch”

    “Help! 1601 Jefferson Ave HURRY”

  7. If you were magic, then you could write on the inside of the banana skin, to only be seen after it’s completely consumed, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have a rash.” OMG rampant banana STDs!!
    Or
    “Don’t mind the spots, it’s just monkey pee.”
    “Murderer”

  8. Ahhh…we’re talking bananas and not, well, er, ‘Bananas’ *wink*. My way is also a ton of fun. Getting random men to lie still is a bit tricky, but do-able with sedation.

  9. I have NEVER been so excited to go to the grocery. Those bananas are going to have so much to say!

    *Inspiring, Jenny. Inspiring.*

  10. I suppose “Eat me” is a little obvious… “phallic” would just be rude. “Call your mother” might help strengthen family bonds, or finally push someone over the edge of matricide. “Hi, my name is Anna” would be cute. “whadda you lookin’ at?” would be a good one for NJ…

  11. This is brilliant and I want to do it so badly. It would give me so much joy! I just wish I would be able to see people’s response. Maybe I will try it on my roommate first like you did on Victor…
    Much love,
    B

  12. God, that’s cute!
    I found out the other day that my 21-month old nephew loves bananas to the extent that, from half a store away he spotted them and started screaming, “BANANAS! Bananas bananas! Want BANANAS!” I should tell my sister to scratch “Time to go night-night” in the skins. It might save her a few migraines.

  13. I once scratched “Don’t kid yourself. You know you did it.” on a banana and my ex told me he cheated on me with his favorite barista at Starbucks. I still can’t believe he confessed because of accusatory fruit. Also, I haven’t had Starbucks since.

  14. Should I be worried that I was eating a banana when I came across this post? Now I’m afraid of what the rest of the bunch will have to say tomorrow.

  15. I’m addicted. I came up with about a hundred in an instant.

    Don’t Panic!
    Calm down!
    Help me!
    Eat me.
    These are not the bananas you’re looking for.
    It’s a trap!
    Sasquatch.
    If found, please return to tree.

  16. 6 Things to write on bananas:

    1. Let me out!
    2. Buy a plantain.
    3. C’mon. I have a kid.
    4. For intended purpose only.
    5. Wanna know what’s under the peel?
    6. I’d eat you if I could.

  17. That’s the most useful Lifehack I’ve read to date. I’m giddy imaginging the endless possibilities of messaging I can include on my tradesman husband’s lunch bananas. As you might imagine, his co-workers are relentless about his affection for the fruit.

  18. Every once in a while, my 17 year old writes “Banana Phone” on a random banana…and I don’t know why!

  19. If you are to leave the Bananas in thE grocery store I would write “Check out the melons over there.”

    Or “Wolverines!”

  20. “I’m really a plantain”
    “Don’t touch me, asshole”
    “Banana hammock”
    “Eat more grapes”
    “How YOU doin?”
    “Bruises hurt”
    “I can’t stand this bunch I’m with”
    “I taste like chicken”
    Of course, you must either write really small, or find some really long bananas for some of mine. I’m wordy.

  21. Writing threatening notes on bananas makes more sense anyway. I am totally going to have to try it out on my kids! Too funny.

  22. –>How about – –

    “It’s hot in here.”
    “The monkeys scare me.”
    “It isn’t easy being green.”
    “Sometimes I feel fat too.”
    “The brown spots are angel kisses.”
    “Wolverines!”

  23. bahahahaha I love the readers comments as well.

    “Eat me. I dare you.”

    “You are going to do what with me?”

    “Continued ——>”

    “They Lied”

    “They Live”

    “We Are Watching”

    I’m sure I could think of more if I really tried lol

  24. “Tell no one.”

    “look Behind you”

    “Property of Copernicus” (of course, you could only use that at your house…)

    You totally made my morning. And I’m going to get bananas after work…

  25. I’m so glad I read this before I went to the grocery store today.

    “Undress me” might be funny.

  26. “The potatoes have eyes.”

    “I’m with stupid —–>”

    “No, I’m not happy to see you.”

    Actually, I carve my son’s name into his banana for daycare. I’m going to start adding more and so I can weird out the caregivers by being more “creative.”

  27. must go do this immediately. and at $14.99 per kilo currently (that’s $7.50 a lb people, $7.50) it may just cross into fine art territory.

  28. i say, i say….this is a pretty mucked up group reading this here post…..

    Either that or I’m just grumpy because MOOG was right at two hours ahead of me for redrum, redrum

    Though to that I would add a small pinky finger with eyes if I could draw stuff

  29. @Michelle
    That made me laugh more than the bananas at the top of the page! Long live Beyonce!

  30. Banana like human meat.
    Eat me and I kill you.
    Bananas are poison.
    Bananas make you pregnant.
    Banana like you.
    You’re pregnant.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com

  31. I’ve got PLENTY of ideas–
    “Stop picking your nose”
    “Pop-Rocks Rule”
    “Take orally”
    “Eat Me”
    “No Means No”
    “Don’t Forget Milk”
    “TBMC was here.”

  32. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you can also use a needle to poke holes in the skins every 1/2 inch or so down the banana. when you have the needle inserted you move it back and forth. Then, when the person opens the banana it falls apart in slices.

    I say, hit victor with both.

    And maybe “Happy Breakfast, Motherfucker”

  33. “Eat me and I will take your soul.”

    “I’m what death tastes like.”

    “Goodbye John.” (Write that on enough bananas and you’re BOUND to get one picked up by a John.)

    “I carry rabies… And syphilis.”

    That’s pretty much as dark as I can go for now. Give me half an hour to recharge and I’ll probably have more.

  34. I would go with:

    “They’re in the Pantry!”
    “Rosebud…”
    “Seriously?!?!”
    “Banana Rights Now!”

    There are more…oh, there are so many more….

  35. How about you just write “I’m a banana, I’m a banana”? I so need to do that to one of ours, but then I will have to hear that damned song for days.

  36. I was going to post some things to write on bananas but now I want to know where JJ lives and has to pay that much for bananas.

  37. ” Reserved ”
    “Sorry, I’m not into that kind of thing ”
    “You’re gonna do what?”
    “Tag, you’re it”
    “Don’t look behind you”
    “hahahahahahahaha….no”

  38. Can’t wait for the price of Banana’s in Australia to come down just so that I can try this. At almost $18AUD they are a tad pricey ATM.

    Even just a name might stop the people I live with from stealing my fruit. So a good one for that would be “Property of “Insert your name here”

  39. Oh my goodness, this was the perfect thing for first thing Monday morning. My mind also goes immediately to threatening messages, because they’re so much more fun when they mysteriously appear. Too bad my husband doesn’t like bananas . . . Oh well, random acts of insanity right?
    I’m thinking:

    You’re being followed. NO! Don’t look!
    Don’t even blink
    It’s heeeeeeeeeeeeere.
    REDRUM
    Are you the gatekeeper?
    I am the keymaster
    There’s something on your back

    Also, I think it would be awesome to write a different message each day “5 days” “4 days” “3 days” “2 days” “1 day . . .” so it looks like the apocolypse is being spelled out in bananas, but you might want to do that one at home because I have a feeling it would cause a terrorist alert if you did it in the grocery store.

  40. Since my bananas are only seen and eaten by me, unless I develop intermittent amnesia, writing messages on the ones at home is a waste of time. The grocery store, however …

    Emergency dildo ONLY!

    e. coli test sample

    HOLD for Dept. of Agriculture

    Did you hear that?

    Save yourself!

    ORGANIC. No, really…

  41. As Rod Ryan likes to say, which I can appreciate…
    Bring the banana to your mouth, not your mouth to the banana.
    (Otherwise it’s banana porn. Need I say more?)

  42. Can’t lie… I’m immediately going to purchase bananas and leave them in file cabinets around the office with things like, “YOU’LL REGRET IT” and “HE’S WATCHING”.

  43. I see mass chaos ensuing at a grocery store near you! Or me…or all over the U.S. (& possibly other countries). This could be big. News worthy. Sheer Brilliance, Jenny!

  44. OMG, I am overwhelmed at your cunning, and am currently writing on bananas. Peer pressure, much? Thanks for the morning LMAO…

  45. “Not for anal insertion”

    “Batteries not included”

    “45% genuine fruit”

    “wash with similar colours”

    “FLAMMABLE”

  46. World Peace!
    You have red on you.
    I look sexy.
    Want to see a joke? Turn me over. (Repeat on the other side)
    Hold me to your ear and hear the ocean!

  47. My aunt used to write sweet notes on bananas but then she went to the dark side and started leaving instructions:

    “Clean your Room”
    “Take The Dog Out”
    “I Love You” on reverse side “HOMEWORK”

    I always felt bad for my cousins.

  48. Don’t forget the rice crispies.
    You know you want to.
    Over-ripe – take that guy! –>
    I’m watching.

    Totally gonna do this and mess with everyone!

  49. I feel so awful. I just ate my banana, and didn’t even read it. What do you think it was trying to tell me?

  50. Start having it get mad with other fruit. “Don’t trust the apples…”, “The oranges are a lie!”, “Strawberries? Seriously?”

  51. I’m partial to ‘they know.’ It doesn’t get much more sinister than that.

    Maybe a countdown to some imaginary event.

    ‘7 days.’

  52. is it possible to be incarcerated for banana defacing? I’d like to see a judge in *that* courtroom.

    “You’re undressing me with your eyes again”
    “It’s gettin hot in herrrr”
    “Watch your step” – obviously for when you discard the peel on the ground…prat fall material.
    • perhaps it could be used as a cross marketing effort?
    “Buy Nilla Wafers and Vanilla Pudding”
    “The grapes are looking at me.”
    • maybe just really awesome movie quotes?
    “But you ain’t got no legs Lt. Dan” ~ Forrest Gump
    “What is your major malfunction numbnuts?” ~ Full Metal Jacket
    “Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.” ~ Planet of the Apes

  53. I just love that Cara and I are both Doctor Who fans. I’m thinking of drawing a little police box on mine. Or Keep Calm and Carry On.

  54. The comments on this post are fucking fantastic, as is the post itself. All of my bananas are going to say “Moo.”
    Also, I had to sing that Gwen Stefani song to myself in order to correctly spell “Bananas”.

  55. @Mel Francis and @Nota SuperMom…..I fell out of my chair! Funny!

    For banans at the store:
    “Clean up on Aisle 4”
    Or, I was thinking on the same bunch of bananas, write “Pick me! Pick me!” then on the others write things like “Dork” “Suck up” etc…

  56. Size is EVERYTHING!
    I see dead people
    Eat Me
    They’re watching
    I swear it wasn’t me! It was the apple!
    Biohazard

  57. I’d do “We’re always watching” or “Turn around slowly” or “We saw what you did last summer” or “Bring Susan Wine”…

  58. Wow. My kids have been doing this for a long time. I didn’t realize that it was a “thing.” So, you’re telling me that my kids are “trendy?” I just thought they were a little dense. Especially since they were writing their own NAMES on the bananas and then claiming that “It wasn’t ME! I swear!” with wide, wide eyes which, you know, is kind of funny because they, too, have easy to recognize handwriting. Especially my daughter who writes some letters backwards, still.

    Grocery store bananas should say something like “Oranges are healthier” or “Carnivores are wealthier.”

  59. Emilio!!!
    Just hanging.
    Will Wheaton says hi.
    Do you have the security clearance?
    Feelin’ fruity.
    Repels zombies!

  60. People are freaked out enough as it is by the whole 2012 idea. So just write “2012” in a Banana at the store and watch people freak more! (or “2012 is near”)

  61. I just toothpicked “put me inside you” on a bannana. Also, “we will rise again” and ” I WILL HAVE REVENGE”.

  62. Am I the only one who sees a face grimly staring out of the stem end of the “they know” banana? Time to list that fruit on eBay.

  63. “banana cream pie is murder”

    “ro ma romama, want your bad romance”

    “ba na na hey hey hey goodbye”

    And of course, the previously mentioned, “knock knock, motherfucker” simply must be included.

  64. You need to set up on a whole bunch..
    “Parachute…”
    “stuck to tree”
    “Send help”

  65. I wish I could write on bananas in the store!
    I’m poisoned
    I hope you choke
    I’m pregnant, don’t eat me!

  66. I wish I wasn’t allergic to bananas! This is hilarious. I will so risk getting sick to write on someone’s banana. Hopefully next time we go camping in a big group someone brings a bunch of bananas. mwahahahahahhahahaha

  67. I do believe that you and I were separated at birth… as I would so do this and I can totally picture the metal chicken scenario playing out at my house (and the conversation at the store) being identical with me. I love you and I think we should have beautiful babies together — except Im a female so I will likely have to admire you from afar — (or from the produce aisle via bananas)!

  68. Get 2 of them side by side and write “eat him first” and on the other one “no, eat him first”
    That would get me laughing!

  69. Oh, now whenever I go over to someone’s house I am going to write on their bananas. This will be great. I am going to start with my grandmother.

  70. Love this!

    “Orange”
    “Monkey bait”
    “Orgasmic [crossed out] Organic”
    “Don’t look up”
    “Gotta split”
    “This side up” [with arrow pointing to stem]
    “Eat more broccoli”
    “WHYYYY???”
    “King Kong wuz here”

  71. No good thoughts to add on what to write. My wife and I write to each other in the bathroom mirror after a shower. Write in the fog with your finger and the words show up again the next time the mirror gets fogged. It’s how I proposed and how she accepted.

    Have to consider writing some of these interesting suggestions, except she’ll know it’s me doing the writing. Hm.

  72. How about fortune cookie-style fortunes?

    Walk the straight and narrow path for now.
    What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
    You need to talk to someone.
    Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
    Idleness is the holiday of fools.
    May you live in interesting times.

    Oh, wait. That last one is a curse…..

  73. I have never liked bananas. Now I know why. I will, however, continue to buy them for my family. Only THIS time, I’ll write horrifying things and see if they even notice. They probably won’t. That’s the worst part about trying terrify oblivious people. *sigh*

  74. This is gold. I just bought a bunch today and I’m off to write on them now.
    I think I’ll put PEEL HERE with an arrow pointing to the wrong end. Surely someone in my family is daft enough to fall for it.

  75. Either we read the same sites or I’m becoming like you from too much exposure to your blog. 🙂 First you have the Cookie monster cupcakes I just made with my child and just this am I saw the banana trick and wrote “I’m dying here!” on one in the kitchen.

  76. could you set up a google voice phone and have a voicemail with mission details and just carve the phone number on the banana?

  77. Too funny, and so timely as a friend made banana cream pie last night and had my hubby and I over to share.

    Since nobody else has suggested it yet, I would say to write “Nanerpus” and “I love pancakes” on bananas. Bonus points for drawing on the eyes and moustache as well. For those who don’t remember or have no clue what I’m talking about, Here’s Nanerpus!

  78. You’re brilliant.

    And I can’t wait until my son can read and I will leave him notes like, “Go back to bed and don’t wake mommy.”

    Thanks for the inspiration!

  79. My husband is insisting we go to the grocery store now to write “DOOOOOM” and “REPENT” all over the bananas. Five dollars says we get kicked out half-way through the first DOOOOM and end up with DOOO.

  80. I think you should write messages like “please don’t eat me” or “I have a soul too” – really freak them out when they go to eat their bananas the next day.
    Also? Yeah, i am going to do this too. LOL

  81. Absolutely brilliant.

    If you write “These are not the bananas you’re looking for”, you’ll have to write the same thing on the whole bunch, so it would be like a Jedi banana chorus.

  82. I work in a silent testing room and had to get up and walk out bc I was laughing so hard.
    You could at least buy me dinner first!
    10 inches (on about a 6 inch banana)
    Poke me
    It was the butler in the kitchen.
    eeew, your hands smell-where have they been
    Idea for a whole bunch
    1. Knock Knock
    2. Who’s there
    3-? and so on.
    Also, you should totally put up a link to your website.

  83. Loved @M “put me inside you” but I would say “I want to be inside you”

    Either way, I have a feeling that when I get the bananas home from the grocery, I’ll find that someone else has already written on all of them. Thank you, bloggess, for creating this fad that everyone wants to try and one that noone will get to try because the first person to the grocery store will have their way with every single banana on display!

  84. FDA REGECT

    man was is stuffy in there

    im real, check your nightstand for the other one.

  85. “I’m watching you…”

    “Everyone knows.”

    “Go to (insert address here) NOW”

    “Save yourself.”

    “It’s up to you now. You are the only one who can save us.”

    “Meet me in the dairy section.”

    “Is that a banana or are you happy to see me?”

    “Don’t look now.”

    “DON’T EAT ME!”

    “Hey asshole, why not an orange for once?”

    “I’m poisonous.”

  86. This is not the banana you’re looking for.
    I licked all of these.
    I want to become pie.
    Or maybe pi?
    May the potassium be with you!

  87. How about, “Don’t even think about it, you dumbass fetish freak?” Makes people rethink the phallic produce purchases.

    Of course, I’d need to know what the word count capabilities of an average sized banana are so I can know whether or not I should mail fruit baskets with my manuscript etched into the bananas to lit agents around the world. It could be like seeing the Virgin Mary in the mold in your refrigerator, it’s a divinely inspired sign you should rep my book.

  88. Thank you, Dear Bloggess and subsequent posters for making this the most hysterical Monday ever! I’ll be off to the supermarket with toothpicks in hand. But first I will practice with the two unsuspecting ‘nanners’ in the kitchen!

  89. Holy cow, these coments are funny!!!!!

    I was going to say “This shit is…” But I see some people beat me to it.

    Of course, now all I’m singing in my head is B A N A N A S!

    I ain’t no hollaback guuuuurl.

  90. Veins and a foreskin. My local market has some pretty greenish bananas now. If I adulterate them, it’ll be days before the image shows. I think I have to go to the store now…

  91. You want to know what is even better? Actually writing on a banana. No joke. Get a Bic pen and go crazy. It’s the most wonderful surface. Like writing on a baby’s bottom. Not that I’ve ever had a chance to compare.

  92. for left-in-store bananas:

    Best Before (date 2 days ago)

    Experiment #356-927

    If found, please return to (store you are sabotaging)

  93. I can’t breath!
    Yes, we have no bananas today
    you look tasty
    be gentle! I bruise easily
    Whirled Peas

  94. I think I’ll head to the grocery store now. I’m thinking:
    Whatever you do, don’t blink.
    Exterminate!
    Better than fava beans.
    I see you.
    You shouldn’t have done that.
    I know what you did.

    I’m also thinking of adding websites. Free advertising, Jenny!

  95. “Don’t eat me. I’m poisoned.”
    “Also, don’t trust that guy to your left. He looks suspicious.”
    “Fine, go ahead, eat me. You took my wife and children earlier this week–what do I have to live for?”
    “Yes, bananas have feelings too, you monster.”

  96. Wow. My mother says you’re like an evil version of me, and I think she may be right. This only makes me want to be more evil, of course, out of sheer jealousy.

    I’m working on it, even though it will probably piss off my ghost, who seems fairly non-evil.

    Also I am adding “Write on Strangers’ Bananas” to the daily checkoff list on my iPad (recurring). I like to be organized about these things, although sadly I don’t come into contact with all that many strangers’ bananas. But it’s good to be optimistic – Law of Attraction and all that happy crappy. 🙂

  97. 1) Don’t turn around
    2) The crow sleeps at midnight
    3) On an entire bunch of bananas, like a big bunch of them, write “All of these were in a vagina but one. Guess which”
    4) Don’t look in your mirror

    Wow, I’m having such an uncreative morning. How depressing with a post like this that just begs for hilarity.

  98. Tu tienes novio, no?
    Han shot first.
    Free toy inside!
    I taste better covered in chocolate.

  99. Awesome. I think this would be a great place for company sponsorship. They could write “Michellin” or “Tide” on the sides of bananas! Then they could put wheels on them and make them race around a track for hours. Endless fun for rednecks.

  100. If that doesn’t give you nightmares…nothing ever will.

    The hub-let and I were trying to figure a way to build the nannerpuss costume for Halloween…I’d be the ‘cakes, he’d be the puss. It’s only fitting.

    Still working on it.

  101. All your banana are belong to us.

    And “these are not the bananas you’re looking for” = genius.

  102. We don’t even eat bananas but I am pretty sure I must go buy some now. I am picturing talking bananas showing up all over the world in stores and law suits springing up with police trying to find out who is responsible for all the banana tampering.

    I swear I will not mention your name.

  103. You guys are so hilarious!! But I think you could take it one step further and add “worms”. Poke a spaghetti noodle through one end of the banana and let it sit overnight. When somebody bites into it, they’ll think it’s a worm. Haha. It would be even funnier if you put “one of us has worms” on the outside of one in a whole bunch.

  104. Don’t look now
    He’s behind you
    We’re out there
    You’ve got mail
    Will explode in 3,2…..
    Never surrender
    I’m watching you

  105. How about:

    The enemy is real.
    I look better naked.
    Turn around. (then on the flip side, Made you look.)
    Get thee to a nunary.
    Bite me.
    Tastes like monkeys.
    Suck it.

    Most of the good ones are alreay spoken for!

  106. International banana of mystery
    I know you are, but what am I?
    If found, return to Grape Ape.
    To rent this space please call xxx-xxx-xxxx

  107. Vote for Pedro!
    I am number 4
    Reserved
    LGBT only
    I was at Woodstock
    More cowbell
    Unripe, try tomorrow

  108. You definitely need one that says “Scratch N Sniff”, then hide around the corner to see who is actually dumb enough to do it. Tee hee….

  109. “A Tally Man once tried to tally me so I ate his liver with some fava beans and nice Chianti…”

    You could spread the message out over a bunch. Banannabal Lecter. Just sayin’.

  110. Hey! You dropped your pocket.

    Eat Mor Aples (al la Chick-Fil-A)

    Caution, not to be used as a flotation device

    Caution, cape does not enable wearer to fly

    Caution, not to be eaten under water

    RUN! The call is coming from inside your house!

    You are the chosen one.

    Take me to your leaders.

    Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

    Life is better on other planets

  111. Oh! OH! OH!!!! This is the best thing I’ve heard since EVER! My job buys produce for the staff and bananas are a big hit (we’ve got a lot of orally fixated girls up in here; Freud would have a field day!). I should totally mess with my co-workers. Screw SHOULD, I totally AM going to mess with my co-workers!

  112. I have more:

    WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT…WHOA..WHOA

    NOT A BANANA

    DO NOT INGEST

    TALLY ME

    I THINK WE NEED A BIGGER BANANA

  113. I know who you are…

    I saw what you did…

    Eat me…

    No, really, we’re here…

    Call your mother…

    Pass this on…

    Peel — then eat…

    Wrong end…

    No stabbing…

    Stab freely…

    Tastes like chicken…

    Ripe…

  114. This is great. The guys I used to work with (at a garage) liked propping a banana between two apples. It was funny until a customer would show up.
    How about:
    *The best 7 inches of your life.
    *Firm and Tasty
    *Raw and Uncut
    *You’ve got a pretty mouth.
    *Test Version
    *Test Code 69874

  115. I saw this on pinterest…So have to write something that shows up in my daughter’s lunch box…Like. “Just cuz all your FRIENDS eat bananas…” or ” Aren’t you glad I didnt pack an orange”

  116. Oh. My. God. I love you…and your bananas! Where do you come up with this shit?

    Hi! I stumbled onto your blog from I don’t know where-but you are now locked in tight with a link on my blogs “Good Reads” I would write more but, hell, my blog is so full of why-are-we-here existential…crap that I’d just rather read yours!

    You rock!

    LC Guy
    http://leftcoastguy.com

  117. Good bye cruel world

    Don’t eat me. It Hurts

    I’m with stupid—>

    Penile Euphemism

    Kosher…ish

    Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

    Help Me (in wretched, disjointed handwriting)

    Congratulations. It’s a boy.

    Where is YOUR tin foil hat?

    Can’t stop the signal

    winning

    twitter ruined my life

    add me on face book

    I saw what you did there!

    If you like Pina Coladas….

    867-5309

    Banana phone

    Gotcha!

    Feed me

    Please don’t feed the Gorillas
    Any movie quote about insanity, conspiracy or sex would work, actually. Or Harry Potter

  118. Damn. My imaginary roommate can be so glad he/she does not exist right now. I would banana-torture the living shit out of them. If I had any bananas. Or roommates.
    Hm. There are serious flaws in my plan right now.

  119. This is CLASSIC. Here are a few more things to write on bananas:

    Put me down!
    Perv
    You have good hands
    Need more cowbell
    Boo!
    I <3 Bananarama
    I see you
    Are you high?

    Or, you could put public service announcements!

    Brush your teeth
    Eat your veggies (not me)
    brush your hair

  120. I had a slew of things to write, was nearly on my way to the store! Then I remembered things aren’t the same as not too many years ago… I’d most likely end up in jail for some infraction against homeland security for even looking at a banana crosseyed, let alone writing anything. The banana has found safe haven thanks to terrorism.

  121. When my nerd friends and I were in high school, we used to write random, anonymous notes with pen on bananas and leave them places – peoples’ doorsteps, on top of cars (strangers’ cars…each others’ cars…whatever). Sometimes, we’d skip the notes altogether, and just leave bananas. Yep. We were totes awesome. It’s funny how the random, unexpected banana (containing a message, or not) can be ridiculously, gigglingly menacing…

  122. If Jesus rose on the third day…
    Wouldn’t that make him Zombie Jesus?
    Why is my savior trying to eat my brain?

    What happens in Vegas…
    …ends up on random bananas.

  123. Call (XXX)XXX-XXXX for a good time. I would totally put my psycho supervisor number on as many as possible.

  124. HAHA! I love it! And I even have to hit up the grocery store this evening….. hmmm……

  125. You FUCKING CRACK ME UP!!!!! You are consistently and surprisingly funny! You rock!

  126. I think you should buy a whole CASE of bananas and write on them “at least they aren’t towels either!”. Muahahahahahahaha!

  127. You really just make each day brighter… Not to mention, those who leave comments also leave me laughing so hard it hurts.

  128. Check your zipper.

    Wash your hands.

    Only you can prevent forest fires.

    Beware the Ides of March.

    New and Improved.

    Wait for the signal.

    Elvis was MY biggest fan!

  129. Things to write on bananas. As in…..I have to do this now.

    I want it back
    Don’t touch me
    Scream now
    I live
    Why?
    You lie
    Not here ..there
    Poison

  130. Literally had a conversation today that ended with “at least I’m doing it on bananas and not buying a MOFO chicken!”. You are right. Beyonce is a great teaching tool!

  131. congrats. you have single-handedly created an international army of banana-vandals. you’ll be more notorious than Banksy.

    also, you should take advantage of free advertising by having all your readers write “thebloggess.com” on all the bananas in the store. think of all the new page hits!

    btw, if i ever start a band, “the banana-vandals” would be a strong contender for a name.

  132. The zombies are behind you
    It’s not my fault
    Eat this & grow a tail
    Monkey mash
    Ask again later (and all the other magic 8 ball options)
    Ring ring ring
    Mr. Yuck
    867-5309

  133. I buy the rice Krispies that you write notes on them and put things like
    “did you mow the lawn”
    “Take out the Trash, NOW”

    It helps keep The Boy focused on his chores.

  134. In honor of this post, a story that bears repeating, I just told the Rev. on 13 one of my deepest darkest secrets: once a psychic said I would be a cult leader, and I had the nerve to ask if its ok that we worship bananas. And now you, Ms. Bloggess (a cult leader in her own right) have provided the method for delivering my message. Banana Graffiti. I am off to all the local groceries to write spiritual messages for all brave enough to shed their the peel of sin.

    Your contribution will be noted at the Palmy Gates and I will be sure not to forget you when the last supper comes: Banana Cream Pie and kool aid for all!!!!

  135. You always provide so many practical tips about living. I’m so glad I now have a way to freak out friends and strangers.

  136. “Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.”
    “Beware the Ninja Banana”
    “110 Calories. 3g Fiber. 450mg Potassium”
    “thebloggess.com”

  137. They’re Watching You
    You are going to DIE
    I have a message from the future
    If you can read this, don’t look so obvious!

  138. Um, considering the prior post to this is called “I will kill all of you” (or something. I meant to remember but then switched to this page to write it and this is what you get. If that’s not it – dude, YOU wrote it. I don’ t know why *I* have to tell you what is says. Are you half high again?), I feel like you can probably come up with plenty of things and/or just use all old blog titles (well, only those that will fit on a banana – some are long).

    PS – Dude, it tells me your last post title below – I will kill everybody. You do care about the little people (and by that I mean drunks and alz heimers patients)!

    PPS – I first mistyped it as “I will call of you.” That would also be weird on a banana, but not that threatenting.

  139. Well crap. All the good names have been taking. I’m currently plotting how to sneak into the school cafeteria and write on all the lunch bananas or perhaps convince the lunch ladies that it is worth their time. I would love to have my students pick up bananas with smart-ass sayings. Nothing too offensive of course….

  140. Push a needle in and waggle it and you can slice a banana without peeling it and with no visible sign of tampering. Now you can write ‘Pre-Sliced’ or ‘I’m all cut up’ on the outside.
    The best time to write has to be just before your loved one packs their lunch box. It will freak them out when they know they packed a perfect banana and when they open the box it has writing on it >:-)

  141. This is PRICELESS! I can’t wait to go fuck with my kids…I mean, write them love notes. Ahem. I’m thinking something like “eat more apples” or “maybe next time I’ll peel YOUR skin BWAHAHAHAHAH!” I’m still working on the ominous messages.

  142. OK so I’m too lazy to scroll through 273 messages to see if someone suggested this, but I think it would be cool to take a pic of the leprosy monkey holding a secret message banana. That would be ultimately creepy.

  143. Not sure if someone already thought of this but if not. I am SO going to start a business making banana stencils.

  144. “Don’t let the monkey with snout leprosy eat me please.”
    “Ch-ch-ch ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh”
    “Is that one of my relatives in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
    “Don’t you want me baby, don’t you want me oooooooohhhhhh”
    “Does anyone remember Bananas in Pajamas? Why can’t I have pajamas?”

  145. Hide me
    I’m famous
    Infectious
    STD-free. Promise
    42
    Just who the hell are you?!
    Who dressed you this morning?
    Stop. Drop. Roll.
    Ride me
    Whoop whoop
    Take me to your leader
    You’re lucky I don’t have teeth

    I have several more but I need to get some damn work done today. And I have to carve shit in hubby’s bananas. Bwahahaha!

  146. Definitely “Will you marry me??” Do it on enough bananas and you’re bound to fuck up some guy’s day when his girlfriend sees it.

  147. Vote *insert favorite candidates name*
    Insanely stupid quotes from political candidates (you know who!)

    Also thought sketch of Jesus. Can do Virgin Mary, too.

    Your favorite/famous movie quotes. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I coulda been a contender! etc.

    http://www.filmsite.org/greatquotes.html

  148. Lay Off the Pipe
    Crack Kills
    Wait for it…
    Republic
    Hammock
    Chosen One
    Rapture
    Shhhh
    You’re IT!
    Rogue
    A-Wall
    We’re on a mission from God
    Didn’t you know? We choose you.

  149. WHOA-HOA! Can’t wait for tomorrow morning!!! Just wrote all over the bananas for my kids to find. (“Did you make your bed?”, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”) The voice of God (well mine) will forever be in their heads now. I should probably program a therapists number in my phone now though.

  150. I was thinking bananas may become the healthy alternatives of candy hearts.
    Which would lead to bananas with
    HUG ME
    ALL MINE
    BE MINE
    KISS ME

    So much freakier with bananas somehow than with candy hearts. I wonder why that is… I’m thinking it’s the psycho banana trail you’ve put us on!

  151. My mind is going a mile a minute… hope I can remember the ones that flew through…

    Not here the feds are watching
    Bad touch! Bad touch!
    Your hands are so smooth
    What’s your sign?
    Do you come here often?
    I’m tellin’ MOM
    The monkeys are after me.
    Got any whipped cream?
    You can’t handle the fruit!
    As you wiiiiiiiiiiiisssssshhhhhhhh
    I’m the key to the JFK conspiracy
    I was King Kong in my former life
    Shoes are my weakness
    Be all that you can Banana
    Your FIRED
    Witness Protection Program

    I totally have a manager’s retreat coming up in October I wonder if they can put bananas on the breakfast buffet for me… I would have so much fun with all of the hung over managers…. hehehehe I feel some evil coming on…

  152. I love knowing that there are 261 other people who are going to be carrying toothpicks to the grocery store and/or spending extra time in the produce section looking for banana notes!

    PS – @BananaNotes is available

  153. Would it be wrong to write, “I want a divorce” on the bananas at the store? I mean it might open up the lines of communication in some homes, or lead to homicides… well, either way somebody’s losing a house.

  154. “Dance For Me”
    “You Are Here”
    “I Forgive You”
    “It Has Begun”
    “Go Ahead: Measure” (under this you would need to mark off inch-long segments, like a ruler — you know someone would use it)

  155. I may have to actually go grocery shopping for this.

    ‘i can see you’
    ‘say goodbye’
    ‘peel *this*’
    ‘meet me at 3’
    ‘dont move’

    … mind you, with how expensive bananas are here, they’re probably under video surveillance.

  156. Love it!! How about….
    ” FAILED” or
    ” Can you read this?” – Just to mess with unsuspecting shopper!!
    Thx Jenny

  157. OH MY HELL!!! I wish I’d known this when I was at the grocery (which I NEVER go there….unless it’s for wine) for bananas when I had to make that banana pudding. But, on the upside, since we’ve got some leftover bananas here…..I may just have to freak hubby out a bit. It will put some “pep” into our Tuesday.

  158. This is epic!
    I don’t personally like bananas, but I DO like playing dirty tricks on people.
    Here’s some thoughts…
    “Open Here” (with an arrow pointing to the tip)
    “Let me out of here”
    “I’m tainted. Pick my friend to the left.”
    “I know what you did.”
    “The apples are against us”

  159. “Peel Me”
    “SMOOTHIE!”
    “Don’t abuse me”
    “I want to be in you”
    “Your wife is trying to kill you”
    “Potassium it is in me”

  160. “Your cover has been blown.”

    “Abort mission.”

    “Deliver the Package at Noon, Or Else the Monkey Gets It!”

  161. I’m waiting for news headline to feature a religious nut screaming about impending Judgment Day because he/she found Jesus on a banana.

    Of course, they wouldn’t know it was toothpicked on, yaknowwhatimean??

  162. I like the idea of adding a helpful hint: “If you have leg cramps, you should eat me.” Or going altogether lowbrow: “Buy me and turn me into poo.”

  163. This. Is. Fantastic.
    I am now inspired to write semi-threatening messages in the bananas of my co-worker.
    Could you just imagine?
    Oh I’m giddy with excitement at the possibilities!

  164. I’d write “knock knock motherfucker” and then leave it outside the bathroom door so my husband sees it when he wakes up in the morning.

  165. Holy cow! I want to go buy bananas right now to freak out the hubs. You’re a genius, but you know that. 🙂

  166. Personally I think finding “How’s it goin, suger tits” on a banana would be splendid and brighten my whole day!

  167. Lesson learned:
    In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.

    I went with “HELP!”

  168. Lesson learned:
    In my local grocery store (Ingles) in the busy after-work time frame, there are two produce guys working, and it’s difficult to scratch more than a few letters into an unsuspecting banana without looking suspicious.

    I went with “HELP!”

  169. “You primates are all alike”
    “I’d rather be hang gliding”
    “There is no Santa Claus”

  170. I’m just going to write things on the bananas in the grocery store and not buy them, because they’re like $12 a kilo or something here still. Poo.

  171. Turn around slowly.
    Check the window.
    Hide.

    I also agree with Anon up there who suggested that you sketch Jesus’ face in one. Hell, that’d be on the NEWS. And we’d all know it was you.

  172. “I hang to the left.”
    “I take an extra large Trojan.”
    “Please don’t put me in the dark place!!!”

  173. Still cackling, toothpicks & list of fav messages in hand, mini-van keys in the other…handsome husband totally baffled as I race out the door, but if I hurry, I can get to our local market before they close @ 10pm.

    Tomorrow, enormous coffee in hand, loitering in the produce section — can’t think of a more amusing way to spend my morning?

  174. I would write:
    “I’m a plantain. I was framed!”
    “The cheese stands alone.”
    “I want my two dollars!”

  175. not only did i laugh so hard i nearly wet my pants, i also read it to my hubby who thought i had lost my mind. wait til tomorrow when he’s forgotten all about it and he sees what i wrote on the bananas….

  176. My husband used to manny for some friends of ours that were on-call nurses. Lots of late nights. Any way, they had this really old cat that was always puking up something. One night Chris got home and realized he had cat vomit on his shoe. He had stepped in it somewhere in their house. He called our friends and whispered “there’s cat vomit in your house” and then hung up. That is the warning I’d scratch into some unsuspecting shopper’ bananas.

  177. * Really size doesn’t matter.

    * Buy giant metal chickens.

    * (Written really small) Nutrition Information for a Banana

    * Don’t forget!

  178. oh if only I could get close enough to a banana.. But at $14kg well just looking at them costs a fortune. I am banana deprived! So in my case writing “You can’t afford me” or “Try an orange, she’s cheap” sort of fits..

  179. If you really want to freak someone out with bananas, use a needle to poke holes along it, wiggling the needle back and forth each time you poke a hole. Do this along the entire length of the banana, and you’ve basically managed to “slice” the banana without opening it. Then when someone opens it, it’s already sliced, and they freak out. I usually just tell people “Oh, it’s the newest thing in fruit, didn’t you know? Already sliced banana. Genetically altered.”

  180. There is bound to be a news article by tomorrow afternoon talking about how relationships have failed, families were destroyed, and people were flocking to the nearest psychiatric “care facilities”.

  181. I am bringing a toothpick with me next time I go to the store.
    Things I would write on bananas for strangers:

    1. Do you really want to eat me?
    2. Do you really want to make me cry?

  182. Is it sad that the first thing I thought of was to quietly inscribe a URL onto a banana bunch in the supermarket. Carve TheBloggess.com (or another URL) on the sly as you “examine” a few banana bunches, then buy one bunch (it’s only fair) and see if anyone comes to your site via banana marketing.

  183. How about “One of us is going to kill you.”

    Or!

    <–That one is going to kill you.
    No, I'm not, he is!

    Or!

    He's right behind you!
    The caller is INSIDE THE HOUSE!

    (This is waaaaay too much fun.)

  184. This is why I read you before bed. At the end of a really shitty day, I can plot against my family with a totally legal and biodegradable weapon. On my sister’s banana *switched at birth*.

  185. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! . . . how about a little simple
    outline of a figure that looks like the virgin Mary? I can not wait
    to do this!!!

  186. OMG! I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my daughter to try more fruit and things good for her. I wrote on our bananas “I hope Izzy tries me”, “Try me!”, “I’m tasty”, “I taste even better!”…… Fingers crossed 🙂

  187. “Who you calling a banana?!”

    This reminds me of a “magic trick” I did as a kid: use a needle to go through the banana and make slices carefully without leaving any marks other than the needle holes. (I hope this makes sense). Sure to delight a kid! (Or Victor)

  188. Apple the other white meat.
    Mine’s bigger.
    Brush your teeth first!
    Nice pear.
    I’d be smellin’ the melon.
    Why do I always have to get undressed fist?

  189. Ring ring… banana phone.
    Please. Peel me slowly.
    For Practice Only
    Not Intended for Human Consumption
    This End Up (no arrow)
    Orange You Glad?
    Split!
    Ummm… I was promised a hammock?

  190. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.

    THAT ISN’T COFFEE.

    NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.

    AT NIGHT, THE SPIDERS COME.

    0100010001000101010000010101010001001000.

  191. Yay for the comments! Pretty much every idea I had has been said already (even Soylent Green reference). Have we had “Not a banana” yet?

  192. Hahahhahaa I am totally trying that…when I can afford bananas again… $12 a kilo? Ick.
    No-one wants sweet love notes on bananas. Where’s the fun in that? I think I’ll spend the $12 just to see my husband’s face when he opens his lunchbox at work…wait, maybe I will write embarrassing love notes. His macho workmates’ reactions would surely be priceless.

  193. I have never laughed to hard in my life! So funny. My husband couldn’t even understand what I was saying as I tried to read it out to him. I love Bananas, in fact I bought a whole bunch from the supermarket today, but thanks to YOU I will never look at them the same way again. Now, where are those toothpicks…

  194. “Be alert not alarmed” – Australia’s anti-terror slogan. I don’t think we’re very good at those but it might work better on a banana. They do say that the medium is the message.

    And while we’re on the subject of naughty-fun -times in the supermarket I was there today (unfortunately before I saw Jenny’s post or things might have gone very differently) and I had to ask the deli lady for a handful of shaved hot Hungarian salami. I apologized for the unintended dirtiness of the request but she just looked at me strangely.

  195. ‘Trapped in storeroom. Call police’

    ‘Beware the grapes’

    ‘Banana intentionally blank’

    ‘I’ve been in a bum’

    ‘Sponsered by Pepsi’

  196. This idea is full of awesomeness!! *goes to look up “Immigration officials are watching” in the Spanish dictionary** Winn Dixie is going to be a lot less crowded on Saturdays….

  197. Showed this to my 16-year-old son last night. He cried, partly from the hilarity that is writing on bananas and partly because he has dysgraphia and CAN’T WRITE! Bet he could talk his sister into helping. Of course, my bipolar nephew is feeling paranoid lately. Messages on bananas would probably hospitalize him.