Thank you. I owe you a stabbing.

All those kind words you left me last night?  They helped.  And today I woke up feeling a little less hurt and a lot less hopeless.  I owe you.  So here’s the deal.  I will stab one person for you, in a non-fatal location.  You only get one though, because repetitive motion causes inflammation.

Also, I’ve been mostly unconscious for the last three days and I just woke up in the guest bedroom.  I don’t even remember going to sleep in the guest bedroom.  It’s like I’m having a series of black-outs, but without the booze slushies.  Or possibly it’s alien abductions, but I don’t feel probed.

I just told Victor that I was concerned that I was having a series of possibly deadly mini-comas.  Victor was all “Those are called naps.”  I’m pretty sure Victor is in denial.

**********

In other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the deliciously lovely people from Hillshire Farm, who are very sweet to me even though I mistakenly call them “Hillshire FarmS” over and over. They’re awesome, and I think they deserve more than one farm.  You should check them out.

142 thoughts on “Thank you. I owe you a stabbing.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think I’m in love with you or you are my alter ego!

    I nominate my husband. Please stab him in the eye. He needs another ailment that causes him to be even less productive and more lazy!

  2. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I didn’t leave a comment last night…I left it earlier today. So, I guess I didn’t technically earn a stabbing. I’ll just work on my list of potential stabees for another time.

  3. Can we all agree on one person, like Glenn Beck? That way he could get all the stabs? How many followers do you have, anyway? I’m sure enough that if only half of us agreed, it could be fatal.

    I didn’t leave a helpful comment yesterday, though, so this one doesn’t count. Actually helpful people will have to agree on someone. But can I suggest that Fred Phelps guy? He deserves it way more than Glenn Beck!

    Hope you get back to hilarious soon. I just recommended you to my sister today, and we went back and read the story of Beyonce, and it was STILL funny, even though I knew what it said. We laughed for hours.

    Knock knock, motherfucker.

  4. I am trying so hard to think of someone for you to stab. I think I’ll choose the woman at the pharmacy with the acrylic nails who punches the touch screen so hard I’m sure she will break it. For some reason that click click clicking drives me into an irrational rage. So, stab her, would ya? In the nails.

  5. I am sad I missed the last post because my internet was out. I’ll have to be more dilligent on my commenting so that I can get in on this free stabbing. 🙁

  6. Maybe you were probed by actual little green men and they were so small that it doesn’t feel like you were probed. If they were really little, they might have had trouble getting you all the way back to your bedroom too, which would explain why you ended up in a guest room. They dropped you in the first bed they found, because they’re both polite (leaving you in a bed) and tiny (not being able to get you all the way to the correct bed).

    Also, I’m glad you’re feeling better and that being probed didn’t leave any visible external scarring.

    Another also, thank you for adopting me.

    With great affection,
    Your new stalker/daughter

  7. Can you just poke really hard all the people who say “literally” when they cannot possibly mean “literally”?

    Or one little rabbit punch to the nose of my high school boyfriend?

    His being gay was no reason to break up with me right before prom.

  8. You live in Texas right? Maybe you could stab Rick Perry for the good of the whole country. Or maybe just put a big metal chicken outside his bedroom window, send him bananas with scary messages, and one of the freaky monkeys. Then we’re even 😉

    Just kidding (although they are brilliant ideas) I am glad you are feeling better!

  9. What would I need to do to earn a fatal stabbing benefit? I have just one person in mind… LMK! Thanks!

  10. One person, only? Well, Today should be about you, so, make it someone YOU want to see stabbed, and that will make all of us happy, because, we are happy when you’re stabby, as well as when we can see the life of someone we care about improved. That’s the best course, I think.
    Stab someone for you, for us. -Heart Emote-

  11. So I did not leave a comment either as I was hoping you were sleeping. But I have a great stabbing candidate. I can even offer witnesses. 🙂 Please?

  12. Um…when you say non-fatal location do mean a place where it’s not immediately fatal or a place where the stabbee probably won’t die even days later? 😉 I’m glad you’re feeling better, and if it’s any consolation, my hubby ends up sleeping in locations that he doesn’t remember going to in the first place…but in his case, I think booze slushies ARE involved.

  13. I totally agree with stabbing Glenn Beck or Fred Phelps. I didn’t leave a comment last night either, but I would have if I hadn’t been asleep. Does that count enough so I can vote for someone else’s idea?

    Glad you’re feeling better!

  14. Well, I didn’t see it in time to comment and earn a free stabbing but after you get to the others, if you’re feeling generous, you can stab my ex-husband in the left hand. It’s easier to remember because he doesn’t have a right hand. (Seriously!)

  15. I think I will pass on your offer to stab someone for me. Not because I don’t have anyone for you to stab, because I certainly have plenty of them, but because to stab someone would require a tight grip on the handle of a sharp object and trying to grip anything tightly right now would suck giant, flying, salty monkey balls of pain. And I don’t want you to do anything that would cause more pain. So yea. No stabbies for me. <3

  16. I left you a nice comment just to make you feel better, not because I expected something in return…..but since you’re offering, you can stab my neighbor kid who likes to set off bombs (yes, mortar bombs) in the middle of the street late at night. I won’t tell if you break your rule and stab more than once. inflame that little f***er

  17. Was up last night til 4AM in ridiculous pain despite two strong pain pills- lupus and fibro pain- and this morning I read your post. Your blog can make me laugh out loud all day and now it can remind me I am far from the only one who’s making it through a flare. Life’s nicer when you don’t feel so alone. And so much more fun when you add in a search for your own giant metal chicken 🙂

  18. I’d like you to please stab the little weasel of an executive director who fired me basically because he didn’t like me. He just got fired for embezzlement. But still, he deserves a flesh wound at least.

  19. I didn’t see either post till today. But I like Victor. What he said was awesome. You know. For a husband. I am happy you feel better too.

  20. Please stab the Pillsbury Dough Boy in the ass cheek with a toothpick. I’d like to see him laugh that one off.

  21. Hi Texas-sistah. So glad you are mo better today. I am ever so appreciative of your stabbing option. So, please stab that bitch that has been living her sad, pathetic life over the last, lo, 9 years trying to make my life hell. It’s not hell for me and she’s just almost too miniscule to care about, but if you’re offering – please stab her. I can’t. She’ll know it’s me and it’ll be another 9 years of karma. Thanks hun. Happy to return the favor anytime.

  22. So are you stabbing 1 person for every commenter, or do we all have to collectively agree on 1 person for you to stab?

  23. Damn, I was totally gonna comment last night but I fell into a mini-coma and now I’ve missed a free stabbing. This SUCKS! (I don’t allow myself around sharp things on account of being extremely accident prone)

  24. I adore your blog. You say the things I am thinking (in many cases) but are too afraid of being stoned (with rocks of course).

    Rest well – we’ll keep the aliens busy.

    ~M

  25. Hmm. You can stab the neurologist I saw for my restless legs, who said that my being awake for 3 days straight “was not grounds for medical leave” from work, not even for one day. But yet his treatment of my RLS was to give me heavy sedatives, which prevented me from going to work! (I have a new neurologist who is NOT a moronic bastard) But seriously, I’m very glad you’re feeling better.

  26. So, one non lethal stabbing? Is it refundable if I suddenly decide that THAT person needs stabbing less than THIS person? Also, do you charge for travel costs (it’s almost spring in Tasmania and the weather is going to be lovely…)

  27. I left a comment last night! I’m fine with either Rick Perry or Glenn Beck. Preferably, stab them in the tongue so they can’t talk. love ya Bloggess!

  28. Jenny, I love your humor and approach to life, but this is a serious comment. I have AS and remicade has transformed my life — and I know it , or one of the other biologics , can help RA as well. Have you looked into them?

  29. I didn’t leave a comment yesterday, though I try to get to here and to your tweets as much as possible, and , well, just the thought of anyone volunteering to stab the last boyfriend is so deeply and profoundly validating and healing it required recognition. May your RA be as easily vanquished.

  30. I do not prefer stabbings, too messy. Can’t you just get Copernicus to do the work with his magical ‘hugs’?
    OMGOSH y’know what I just realized!? That I sent you a (hugs) in the comments of your last post, and I just wanted to clarify: it was just a HUG and NOT the start of a strangle. I SWEAR!

    On another odd note, you have solidly taken Drew Barrymore down from the top spot of my girl crushes. Because you are that damn awesome.

  31. You have made me laugh at loud at work more times than I can count and for that, you owe me no stabbing. I’ve suffered debilitating migraines for the last few years and I’ve been in that dark place that you so clearly described. For anyone who doesn’t feel what that dark hole is like, it’s hard to imagine wanting it all to disappear, but I get you. I like what Victor said as well. Yes it would be easier, but not better. I can imagine my significant other saying that as well. Chronic illness sucks. Dealing with pain sucks. Taking drugs all the time to find relief sucks. That you’ve developed a twisted sense of humor in spite of it all is freakin’ awesome. Feel better soon.

  32. Missed you last night, but wanted to say I’m so very happy that you’re feeling better and sending you happy vibes to get through the rest of this nasty crap. It’s too bad I missed out on the stabbing offer. Mayor of my city is a complete horrid douche canoe. Hugs to you and yours.

  33. Ohhhh!!!! So NOW your tweet makes sense!

    Okay, I’ve got a list of people, let me work on culling it down to one that only deserves a non-fatal stab and I’ll get back to you.

    In the meantime, I’m glad you are feeling better!

  34. For those of us who know chronic pain….would you kindly stab the next doctor you see who implies that it’s all in your head? And seriously….stab him/her in the head. I know, I know, you said a non-fatal location. That’s fine, you can have it your way….just a “gentle” head-stabbing would get the point across….then we could all say in unison “um, NO, it’s all in YOUR head Doctor Douche Canoe!”

  35. Jenny, I am glad you are feeling better. And, I think you are very lucky to have Victor around, as he “gets it”.

    ~EdT.

  36. Can I get the stabbing? Yes, I want to be *that guy* that got stabbed by The Bloggess. It’s like being *that guy* that got the massive rejection and slap by that hot girl everyone likes.

  37. Glad you’re feeling a bit better. I would have left a comment last night, but I kind of felt selfish for immediately thinking about how much I would miss your blog if you weren’t around anymore. Your sense of humor is beyond amazing and I know there would be at least a kazillion people who would go out onto the streets and set themselves on fire if anything happened to you. You don’t want that on your head, do you?

  38. Feel free to stab every single carpenter ant who is wrecking my home (see: My Dirty Little Secret) on my blog. When those are done, continue to do the same with possible termites. My chronic illness is getting much worst instead of better. That sucks, but glad YOU are feeling better. Love, Laurie F.

  39. I’m going to need a coupon for a stabbing to use at a later date. And no, I don’t want 15% off a second stabbing if I refer a friend. That’s just a messed up way to get me to sell my friends to you. Unless you are going to stab the friend I refer, in which case I totally want the 15% off.

  40. I tried to comment on the last post but couldnt find the bottom of the list. I have RA too and can totally sympathize. Can hit you out of nowhere. You obviously have a ton of fans and friends that care a lot about you and your well being. Glad you are feeling better today.

  41. I would like you to stab my manager please. In a location that is non fatal, but while she is sleeping, so she doesn’t wake up and possibly bleeds to death.
    (I have a very unhealthy work environment.)

  42. Glad you’re feeling a bit better today Jenny. I vote for stabbing Rick Perry in the tongue – that was a brilliant idea. Also, loved the link to the lady in the beaver costume. That is so up your alley and you might owe her a stab to thank her for warning you about the dogs eating the beaver feet and costing $350. Of course, I don’t think you have a dog, but your cats might piss on them and still cost you money. That’s definitely what my cat would have done. BTW, what is a “sex positive” club?

  43. Please stab Andrew from junior high who called me “potato nose” for three fucking years. And, if it’s fatal, not a problem. Thanks. XO
    Feel better!!!!

  44. I missed my opportunity to earn a stabbing yesterday, but if you get a chance, could you stab the scoliosis specialist that told me when I was 17 that the curve in my spine wasn’t severe enough to cause the level of chronic back pain I was experiencing? He put me through xrays, a bone scan, and an MRI, then basically told me just to take some ibuprofen. I go through those emotions everytime I strain my back to the point where I’m immobile for 24 to 48 hours. It’s rare, and it’s not nearly as bad as RA, but I can definitely relate to the emotions. Lucky for us, we have great guys in our corner. So thanks for writing that post. I would totally stab someone for you for writing that post. Ya know, if you asked. I don’t just go around arbitrarily stabbing people.

  45. I’d like to see Michelle Bachman stabbed, personally- or Palin. Maybe you can get a russian to throw knives at her from across the “way”. Less messy for you, but all the credit.

  46. I’m curious if you spelled “whimsicle” that way as some sort of obscure oral sex reference? ‘Cause I used to know this girl with a thing for popsicles.

  47. Glad you are on the mend. Chronic pain SUCKS! I have chronic low back & hip pain, newly diagnosed, and still working to find the right docs and meds. Wish I had a Victor of my own (not full time, mind you, just when he’s being a smart ass and making pithy comments!).

    Keep on keeping on. Remember, this too shall pass!

    And I’d like to nominate my neighbor for the stabbing, but only if he won’t know it’s from me. Otherwise he’ll pull a gun on me again, and I don’t think I can take that again.

  48. Well I like to think of my disorder as ‘Bob’, and he kind of needs a bit of a stab. I kind of envision Bob as a bald middle-aged accountant who makes Ferris Bueller sock puppets in his down time, kind of makes him easier to deal with overall. Now Bob’s been a right arse the last few weeks, landing me in hospital and now I am stuck with parents and inlaws in my house with no escape (okay so they are here to help but still, there is NO escape). So if you wouldn’t mind stabbing him in the nuts I would be most appreciative. Hmmm… is it possible to stab imaginary middle-aged accountant in the nuts? Actually, if anyone could work out a way, I truly think it would be you.

  49. Naps rank right up there with sex and emotional eating. My trifecta of neediness…

    Glad you’re feeling better. You’ll be ready for zombies in no time!

  50. That first shirt is fabulous. I think I’m going to have to get one for my husband.

    Glad to hear you are feeling better!

  51. If you’re coming to Tasmania (Veronica, #36) I would like to cash in on my free stab. But otherwise I’d be happy for you to make some mini-coma merchandise. So glad you’re feeling better and can snuggle with Hailey again.

  52. I do not know you… you do not know me.. ( Ignore the creeper-ish-ness of that statement)
    But you help me get through my bad times, are there when I can’t sleep either, make me giggle when the pain hits hard.. and brighten my day when everything is going good and for that… I wanted to say Thank you.

  53. I would love you to stab this lady Phyllis who works the door of our local Target. She is one cold, hard bitch.

  54. Please feel better soon! Also, while on bed rest I have read EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of your blog posts. Did you know it goes to page 139? It was the best 139 pages of reading ever. I promise I’m not a stalker.

  55. I didn’t comment either , but you and your pain were in my thoughts and prayers . I am plagued by shoulder pain ( last winter it was debilitating , I could barely dress myself ) but it is tolerable in the summer .
    So glad you are feeling better . Prayer helps , depending on who you pray to .
    I have a stabbing request . He deserves it .
    Anthony Bourdain .
    He is very successful , funny , irreverent , and a total babe to look at .
    He has decided to rip into Rachel Ray ( she can’t cook ) and Paula Deen ( she really can’t cook ) .
    Now I agree that Rachel Ray is no gourmet , but all of us need to prepare meals in half an hour , alot of the time .
    Paula Deen ? OK , she deserved it- but still , when you have as much success as Tony does , just leave the peons alone .
    What say you ? Don’t you think he needs a few holes punched in his douche canoe ?

  56. I can probably help you figure out how you got in the guest bedroom by going back and examining the footage I have from the hidden cameras I set up in your house while you were out.

    *waves from bushes*

    There. Fresh anxiety should help take your mind off your arthritis.

    You’re welcome.

  57. Is that a single stabbing agreed upon in some manner by the commenters, one stabbing per commenter, or one stabbing per comment? Not that I would be in line for a stabbing anyway, since I didn’t know there would be anything in it for me if I commented on that other post. I just want to know whether & how many comments it’ll be worthwhile posting next time.

  58. Please oh please oh please stab the producer of Jersey Shore in the crotch.

    Thank you.

  59. Not only would stabbing the producer of Jersy Shore in the crotch be cause forcelebration…but I would sell my house and move so I could be your booze slushie minion. Have blender will travel.

  60. I was considering asking you to stab Michelle Bachmann – because… really?!? But then I realized that she would probably be broadcast on every network (including Cartoon Network) holding whatever body part you stabbed (I picture knee) crying out “Why Me” over and over while also ugly crying. Of course the entire country would then empathize with her and she would become the next president just like Nancy Kerrigan became the sweetheart of the 1994 Olympics .

  61. In response to your RA woes.. I have a cousin who has severe dabilitating RA of his spine, and he’s 35. He is OBSESSED, and I mean obnoxiously shut-the-hell-up-about-yourself obsessed, with his treatment miracle kicks he is onto. However, to his credit, he does not take ANY medicine and manages his pain and flares naturally. I wanted to shoot these to you just because knowledge is power. 1) Cuz does Power Yoga. I like to stretch when i get out of bed in the morning and call that yoga, but he does for real intense power yoga and he swears by it. I believe it because i think yoga really does a lot for your mind body and soul. I think a big part of your RA is that the pain causes stress in your mind, which makes everything 10x worse. Which leads me to 2) Cuz meditates. Like the monks do in Nepal or wherethefuckever. He goes on and on about how the monks can sit in an igloo with no shoes on and meditate and melt the ice around them. Meditation is hard and it takes practice. But if you can meditate the stress and pain away, then thats pretty dang cool. 3) Cuz juices. He will go days where he drinks/slurps nothing but straight up juiced fruits and veggies. He preaches that this is a large anti-inflammatory and reduces the flares inflammation wherever it is attacking you. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. Pain sucks dick, so I hope you can find some balance and cope with dat shit!

    and please stab drew carey because he is a shitty host and i want bob barker back.

  62. Hahaha I had a similar bear encounter in Alaska last summer…but not with my child…with my elderly father.

  63. My husband goes through black-outs, it is a combination of the severe pain and sleep deprivation. He has had CRPS for 3 years and he is in constant pain. I am sure he can sympathize with you! I didn’t get to post a comment yesterday, but I would like to have an IOU on that stabbing thing, I am sure it will come in handy one day!

  64. No stabbings for me thanks, but I do hereby present to you a steampunk-octopus-wearing-a-mustache coupon good for one (1) whimsicle fuckery inspired craft whenever you get hit by the RA suckbus. Because depression sucks and chronic pain sucks worse, but at least then you’ll have a cross-stitched sampler of a penis or a creepy handknit balaclava to remind you of total strangers on the internet willing to make ridiculous crafts just to make you smile a bit.

  65. Ok, I’ve tried 2 times to sneakily post a comment from my phone, but that doesn’t seem to work (*shakes fist* internets!!!!!) so in the interest of not annoying the crap out of you in the event the other two go through, I’ll try using an actual computer & if that doesn’t work I’m hitting the boxed wine early. Below is the actual comment:

    No stabbings for me thanks, but I do hereby present to you a steampunk-octopus-wearing-a-mustache coupon good for one (1) whimsicle inspired craft whenever you get hit by the RA Suckbus. Because depresson sucks, and chronic pain sucks worse, but at least then you’ll have a cross-stitched sampler of an owl made of human hair or a creepy handknit balaclava to remind you of total strangers on the internet willing to make or buy you ridiculous crafts just to make you smile a bit.

  66. People molest alligators? They must get them seriously fucked up first. Even so, the reward hardly seems worth the risk. Not to mention I’ve heard their breath is awful.

  67. Too many stabbees, too little time. Glad to hear you’re on the mend! If you need a booze slushie, don’t hesitate to call. My job is turning me into someone with a problem, and I’ve gotten REALLY GOOD at making them!

  68. If it makes you feel any better, my husband got a cortisone shot on Friday afternoon. By Saturday evening he was sick sick sick. I heard him calling me to bring him some water and I couldn’t figure out where he was. Where was he? The guest room in the dark. Why? He had no idea.

    Can you stab a thing instead of a person? If so, I’ll take a stab to a pinata. A pinata unicorn, if you’re looking for specifics. But don’t stab it in the horn. All the good stuff is in its magic belly.

  69. Hey. Have you heard of ‘hibernol’? It’s like Nyquil except it puts you out for an entire season. Like, months. You hibernate like a bear. That would be the best mini-coma. I don’t think it’s a real thing, though. I saw the commercial on Saturday Night Live and they are NOTORIOUS for having advertisements for awesome products that don’t really exist 🙁

  70. My dad and I are getting matching latin “Don’t let the bastards get you down” tattoos this week. Don’t worry, it just happens to be a coincidence. Or maybe I’m a creepy stalker. Or maybe I just love Margret Atwood’s A Handmaids Tale and it was on the side of my Dad’s favourite building at Royal Military College. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.

  71. Thank you for your kind offer to stab my former boss, who was so incredibly difficult to work for and awful to me that unemployment became a very attractive option and I quit rather than put up with one more day of his shit. Something non-lethal but unmanning would be nice. 🙂

    Glad you’re starting to feel human again.

  72. About Beyonce…

    My mom and I went shopping this weekend and found loads of metal chickens at Hobby Lobby. Unfortunately, my mom decided they were all too small. So I think she is still searching for her own giant metal chicken. I’ll send pictures if she ever finds one of her own.

    Glad you’re on the mend. Chronic illness sucks.

  73. Glad your feeling better. Oh, and about the stabbing someone. I think you should consider betting Beyonce to do it, getting stabbed by a 5ft metal chicen would mess someone up mentally for a long time. Hahaha

  74. Glad you’re feeling a bit better. About these stabbings . . . if someone doesn’t want theirs, can I get two? Or three? Or fifteen? Not to be greedy or anything but, well, sometimes I feel like stabbing people but I don’t know that my arm strength is quite what it needs to be in order for the knife to actually penetrate the skin. There’s a few people on my shit list. Just saying.

  75. I need you to stab my husband. And the terms of it not being fatal are perfect.

    He told my overly pregnant belly that despite the fact the past 9 months have been hell to the point where I had to go on medical leave from work way early because I was PARALYZED IN ONE LEG FOR AWHILE. (Sciatic verve. Fun stuff.) Which was then followed by me being so depressed I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF IF NOT FOR BEING PREGNANT AND HAVING A GREATER PURPOSE (the actual legal reason for the leave. Pain does that. You get it.) that if his darling daughter held out for 4 more days, she could share a birthday with her uncle…

    Either way, he’s getting stabbed. But I figure you doing it won’t lead to my divorce and well, this is our 3rd kid so I kinda need him right now…

  76. Glad you’re feeling beter
    I suffer from anxiety and depression and your blog has really help me come out of my shell
    I was turned on by a teacher at my school. You are fucking awesome
    Hope you don’t trip and fall into the stomach of a wombat

  77. My co-worker just informed me that that the funniest woman alive has a blog and directed me here via 5 ft. tall metal chicken stories AND pictures that made me laugh that, blowing-your-nose -sound-cuz-you’re-trying-to-be-quiet, sound. I don’t know her well I’m new but I am now searching for a giant chicken to taunt people (my husband) with.
    You are my hero.
    Life is better with your hilarious shit to read–get better–no stabbing necessary

  78. Jenny,

    If stabbing someone doesn’t perk you up, check out Super Mamika (Grandma’s Superhero Therapy) at this website. http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/grandmas-superhero-therapy-18
    and again here: http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/grandmas-superhero-therapy
    and here: http://www.sachabada.com/site.html
    You and Beyonce will immediately feel the need for a cape. (which by the way, you could fashion out of towels – if you had any)

  79. I’m gonna go ahead and blame not having internet at home, but I didn’t catch your last post in time to offer any helpful words. I am so glad you are feeling better, though! Maybe you could hire out for the stabbings, eh? Do they make nonfatal stabby hit men? 😀

  80. Nothing you said about your pain sounds “ridiculous and overblown.”

    Have you read Nancy Mairs’ essay “On Becoming a Cripple”? I have my college students read it, and it reminds me a lot of what you say here. Including, in a milder form, the humor.

  81. That’s the thing with alien abductions, they’ll be damned if they leave you feeling probed- they get their kicks off their probees waking up confused and mark-free.
    Except the new aliens, those fuckers totally leave bruises.
    At least you were likely handled by an ol’ pro.

  82. That’s the thing with alien abductions, they’ll be damned if they leave you feeling probed- they get their kicks off their probees waking up confused and mark-free.
    Except the new aliens, those fuckers totally leave bruises.
    At least you were likely handled by an ol’ pro.

    … I may have posted this anonymously first. I promise I’m not one of the new aliens.
    I *rarely* leave bruises.

  83. BTW, I was watching Picker Sisters-I find them horribly annoying. BUT- they were at this gentleman’s place, and he had what appears to be a TEN FOOT GIANT METAL CHICKEN that could be your chicken’s mother. Maybe.

  84. i second serena’s comment: “You live in Texas right? Maybe you could stab Rick Perry for the good of the whole country. Or maybe just put a big metal chicken outside his bedroom window, send him bananas with scary messages, and one of the freaky monkeys. Then we’re even.”

  85. Somehow the events of this weekend (my Mom’s memorial service) had me describing what I wanted to stab.
    Take yourself back to the “Care Bears”. Imagine a stuffed yellow Care Bear with a big heart on it’s chest and a button on that back that makes it say “I wuv you”. Now imagine a steak knife through the side of it’s cute little head with the point sticking out next to it’s shiny lemony yellow eye (actually dislodging it).
    This gave me a certain sense of satisfaction….

  86. Just read the last post and glad you are on the up-swing and feeling all generously stabby. We know that hubby is in the Victor fan club already (empathy does that), but after the ‘easier but not better’ comment, am too!

  87. Glad that you are feeling better. I’d like to save my stabbing reward for closer to the general election. Thanks babe.

  88. I’m so glad the blackouts are over! Pretty happy you’re feeling better, too. Now, for the stabbing of my choosing, I’ll offer up the attending I worked with last night….arrogant piece of shit, Dr. McC.

  89. i can only say this. I HAVE PASSED ALL LEVELS . and as you know its different for everybody. my handicapp was 2. im assuming yours was 5. so if you havent passed dont bother trying again

  90. So many people I know are stabtacular. Worthing of stabulicious attention. Even I didn’t realize the list is so long. How long do I have to think?

  91. loving this today:

    series of deadly mini comas.

    Victor, does he know what a lucky lucky human he is to have front row seats to this show 24/7?

    he could sell tickets, you could be rich, is it legal? I think so.

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