It’s Sunday, but I wrote all the really blasphemous stuff earlier in the week. I’d like that noted in my permanent record.

You know how I’m always perpetually late for trends and memes?  WELL, NOT THIS TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS.  Apparently, “stocking is the new “leisure diving (which was the new “owling) (which was the new “planking) and this time I’m totally on time for it.  “Stocking” is the new hipster art of imitating stock photography.  Why?  I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T HAVE TIME TO RESEARCH IT.  Mainly because if I don’t post this immediately, I risk becoming out of date.  Not this time, hipsters.


Updated:  Motherfucker. I went back to find the links explaining all of this, and apparently in the time it took me to write this update I’ve become obsolete.  According to the internet, “horsemaning is now the new “stocking”.  Fuck it.  I’m officially saving us from ourselves.  Guess what?  Not-doing-shit is the new horsemaning.  I just called it.  You’re welcome, world.  Go watch some tv.  It’s what all the cool kids are doing.


In other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

(Graphic provided by Round Table Companies.)

What you missed on my Ill-Advised column:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I don’t know.  I kind of suck this week.  How about you?  Did you read something awesome that we should all look at?  Leave it in the comments.

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Oh Crap Potty Training, which sounds like a SNL skit, but is actually a business devoted to getting your kid potty trained in a week. I can only guess this involves some sort of magic. You should probably check it out.

142 thoughts on “It’s Sunday, but I wrote all the really blasphemous stuff earlier in the week. I’d like that noted in my permanent record.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Too scared to click on those links cause someone tricked me once with Lemon Party and that shit is in my head now FOREVER.

    Do not google.

    That shit will do your head in worse than Hello Kitty sanitary napkins.

  2. You just made my night with the Jesus Christ of Sharks. And I freakin’ love the haunted dollhouse. Who needs finishing? That’s genius as a work in progress!

  3. Yeah. I’ve been not-doing-shit since before not-doing-shit was cool.

    But now that it’s mainstream, I better start doing shit.

    I think I’ll take up planking. It’s retro now.

  4. Hipsters bore me.
    So i don’t take ANY trend they are involved in seriously.
    Ya know…like neck beards. 4379223500_bd1a3151bc.jpg
    Fuckin’ hipsters.

  5. Your dolls house story is in the culture section. Congratulations on being culture.

  6. Cracked up all week. I must say, not doing shit is amazing! Who’da thunk it?! Living in Portland for 5 years, I’ve never put a bird on anything. I’m woefully behind in that trend too.

  7. I totally agree about boobs. I tell everyone I know they are overrated. No one believes me unless they have their own purse-sized titties.

  8. I come here BECAUSE of the blasphemy, Jenny. Seriously.

    Kelley’s got Hello Kitty dildos on display, Greg’s pulling the plug on his mom, I’m making fun of people in the path of destruction . . . . none of us are right. We don’t need therapy, we’re already a support group.

  9. Thanks for the much needed distraction! I’m in Philly, waiting out this hurricane, and watching way too much news coverage. There are definitely a few reporters who deserve a good stabbing.

  10. If it makes you feel better, I only learnt about planking two days ago when a very drunk man tried to do it out of the window of the bus I was in. The moving bus. On the freeway. The internet really does bring out the dumbass in people.

    Also, I just discovered this blog and have spent literally hours on it. Thanks for being hilarious and sorry for being a bit of a stalker.

  11. Stocking? Leisure diving? Owling? I am so out of date. I just heard about planking, and for the life of me, could not understand why people want to lay face-down in the dirt. I hate when a hair gets stuck in my lip gloss. Grass and gravel? No thanks.

  12. The Washington Post wrote and article about Pat Summitt, the Tennessee women’s basketball coach who recently announced that she has early on-set Alzheimer’s disease — will make you cry a little bit. It is also beautifully written and kind of amazing.
    BUT! After it was stated in the article all i could picture was her separating a shoulder because she was fighting a raccoon. That is bad-ass! Seriously! Thanks Washington Post!

  13. Is the job requirement meant to go to the Haunted Dollhouse page?

    (Nope, but it explains why I don’t have a real job. Fixed. ~ Jenny)

  14. Oh my god, this might be the first time I’ve ever been in on a trend. I shall continue not doing shit. Thanks for the heads up!

  15. Girl, you totally lost me in the first paragraph, but that might be because it was martini night with my bestie down the street and I should have stopped before I started. It’s way past my bedtime, but I have to say that you totally rock and if you’re ever in NW Arkansas (who would want to be here on purpose) you would totally fit in with us. We have a fully stocked liquor cabinet (that my husband removed good cooking stuff from to put his collection of liquor into) and can mix anything you might want. Tonight it was blue raspberry martinis. 😀 Yeah, tomorrow I will totally think I shouldn’t drink and post comments. 🙂

  16. @Kelley: An actual conversation I once had:

    Some Moron: That sounds fun!

    Me: What are you, off your fucking meds?


    Me: Moron.

    The fact that you know you shouldn’t click on those links puts you WAY ahead of the curve. And by “the curve” I mean all of the people who just read this and went to just to see what the fuss was about.

  17. A) I do rather enjoy that chicken, so I’d better go Like her myself.
    B) Potty training in a week sure sounds lovely.
    Overall, not terribly upset I’m up feeding my twins at 4am.

  18. The “watching a monkey rape a frog” situation you just put me through has changed me as a person. I’m still deciding if this is for the better or not. Did that frog die?

  19. I went through and read you sex column posts and saw that video from youtube about the frog and the monkey. It was at the Honolulu Zoo. Where I was today. I saw that exhibit. I wish I had known about this video before so I could’ve been like “Did you know there’s a video of one of these monkeys forcing a frog to give him a blowjob on youtube.” Just casually as we walked by in the same tone as, “It’s hot today and perhaps we should get some water.”

  20. “Job Requirement” link goes to the dollhouse, presumably due to a copy/paste error.

  21. I’ve decided that the most hipster thing to do is ignore all the stupid trends and just be uncool. Because being uncool is the new cool. And it’s also what people do before they get cool. And then I can say I was totally into being uncool before it got all mainstream and stuff.

  22. I’ve just started making stuff up at this point…no one knows the difference…like, I needed a touch-up on my roots once so I told my friends that the new thing was a Hair Dying party where we all get together to dye our hair…yep, they were into it

  23. I thought “slushee” was spelled “slushie.”

    Are you trying to avoid a copyright infringement?

    Do you eat corndogs with those wine-slushees?

    I just wondered…

  24. Lesson 22 is TRUE!! Big purses with Chicken Noodle Soup in ’em…(I say that because one time I carried a can of Chicken Noodle soup in my purse for 3 weeks! Too lazy to take it out! LOL….

  25. I have somehow refrained from clicking on horsemaning (cuz that sounds scary) and googling Lemon Party (cuz of comment number 1)

    loved the interview with the nature guy.

  26. I’m with Kelly @ magnetoboldtoo, Lemon Party = no more links for me. Or at least, approach links with the same care you’d approach cliffs over an abyss. Once that stuff is in, there’s no way to get it out.

  27. That dollhouse is totally fucking haunted. I clicked on the link to look at your flickr gallery and my iPhone went crazy and it was all, “No! You don’t look at the dollhouse! Let’s look at Jenny standing with other people! And a cow! And NO YOU CAN’T GO BACK!”

    I had to leave flickr completely to even get out of the weird photo loop.

    But you looked fab in that pictures of you I saw.

    Now I have to go ask a priest to perform an exorcism on my iPhone. Which isn’t really that bizarre of a request to a faith that routinely checks dead bodies for decay.

  28. I actually think that stock photo was copying YOU, no? I mean, you’re famous. So this is what I propose for the new fad: Reverse Stocking. Make it happen Jenny, Miss Bloggess of all thing Internet. I know you can. xo

  29. I now feel much stoopider for having read this because I don’t know what ANY of that means. I think I’m going to go drink a bottle of Smart Water and come back later.

  30. I hate to say it, but I’m sure you saw it coming…horsemanning is out. I saw Hoda and KLG do it. It can’t be hip anymore…

  31. You have made my batmaning, owling, and wigging post obsolete.

    I shall have to take up not-doing-shit again… but it’s so 5 min ago, i will be doing shit again before I know it…

    Maybe I’ll just declare myself un-cool and old now and do whatever the hell I want anyway…

  32. The fact that I don’t know any of those words actually makes me hip, right? I am not like I care or am excited but you know…I’m just saying.
    The haunted house is brilliant.

  33. Jenny, you should enter your dollhouse in the Iowa State Fair. You would win the blue ribbon for sure.

  34. I just have to say, I may be THE LAMEST at memes.

    My blog name has two ‘seriously’s in it, and a shit-ton of people come to my blog, sorely disappointed in Google for providing them with a shitty result for “seriously meme”. So… yeah…

    I prefer the do nothing. Good on ya!

    For shit you didn’t come up with, check out the creepiest job title ever. I might even freak you out. Maybe not. Unsure.


  35. Potty training in a week, huh? I can only assume it involves duct tape and handcuffs. And not in a sexy way. More in a “I’m going to tape your ass to this toilet and handcuff you to the sink until you stop pissing in your pants” kind of way. And probably a magic wand, too. And a fake identity so you can run from protective services.

  36. Welp! If you’re late for trends I’m sorta fucked, because I get my trend updates from your blog. Mostly.

    Also, since you asked, I haven’t had much time to search the internet (either). Probably because I’m too busy decorating my brand new calendar, now specifically tailored, to count down the days until your NYC book signing. And, no. I don’t think I’m a stalker. But even if I am, my shrink assures me I’m sure I’m the harmless type. I think.

    So no worries.

    And, I digress.

    If you’re not terrified, please let me know if/when you’re doing your book signing. This can help make my imaginary date seem a little less virtual. And probably keep me out of the looney bin (for another few months).

    You’re the bestest Jenny!

  37. I hate you a little bit for the link to the monkey/frog horror that will forever be seared into my brain. (I hated you more for it before I saw your dollhouse pictures. Your phenomenal work of art managed to temporarily put the monkey images out of my mind, thank god.)

  38. Congratulations to Beyonce,The Giant Metal Chicken page. I have to find the pic of my 13 year old planking George, my giant metal chicken. She doesn’t like George. Did I mention she was kissing him as she was planking?

  39. Love the dodo bird homage to the town I live next to. I think I’ll start calling my Portland friends, dodosters instead of hipsters.

  40. Your haunted dollhouse is awesome, but you’re not alone in the dollhouse world. There is a HUGE online community of miniaturists, many of whom love making haunted dollhouses, bordellos, and candy shops that give you tooth decay just by looking at them. (My favorite community is a Yahoo group called TheCamp.) And then there’s the mini magazines and the artisans and the shops . . . ooh, the online shops . ..

  41. I don’t know what’s funnier – the planking (which I literally just found out about this week), owling, leisure diving (awesome!!), stocking or the interview with the naturalist lol! He is going to be forever scarred by the frog and the monkey.

  42. Not doing shit is the new horsemaning? *tear*

    I am finally going to make my father proud.

  43. Stocking. OMG i want to do this.
    So freaking self indulgent. I love it- for ME it is amazing and I will find the best stock of MY face (get it..? )

    people need ways to share themselves. The written word gave way to photos which gave way to video which gave way to photos of other photos that look like us.


    going now to troll like a vampire

  44. Hideously secondarily traumatized by that Monkey link. (And I’m not a gawker at traffic accidents, effin gladiator mentality.) Not sure who I want to destroy first, the mother who seemingly allowed her children to watch/kept filming or the chimp. Three words: Men, poor froggy. Horrible man, just.

  45. I got tired just reading about all the shit I am obviously not hip enough to keep up with. That was uncool of you to make me tired Jenny.

  46. I think Beyonce-ing is the new horsemaning. Now I just need to take some pictures with Beyonce (can’t figure out how to add the accent above the e), to promote this trend.

  47. I’m happy to join your club. I’ve been working on a (not) haunted dollhouse which I built from a kit my mother-in-law dropped off at my house 18 months ago. It’s starting to get dusty which is making me weepy. I need a plexiglass case with a door on it like yours. Where did you find it?!

    (Thanks! Victor bought it for me for Mother’s Day. He had it made at a plexiglass store. ~ Jenny)

  48. I wish I came up with the boobs are like purses you can never take off analogy. SO true and HILARIOUS! I will be sharing that tidbit with my girlfriends. Loved it. Thank you for always providing my face with a smile.

  49. One of the things my mom is most proud of, is the fact that she had all four of her kids potty trained within one week. Not all in the same week. That really would be magic.

  50. I had no idea you did dollhouse miniatures. I’ve been building dollhouses for years. This makes me feel that much more creepily close to you….

  51. Jenny! I think you just helped me find a job! Or at least a good company to work for! Been in Chicago since November and with my resume, well even -I- wouldn’t hire me! We watched the video of Hailey in her play, and my Zoe was saying how much she missed Hailey and Texas. They only knew each other for two weeks, and proof is in the pudding, darling. You’re raising a fierce little girl who spreads happiness furiously, making her mark on the world with everyone she meets. <3

  52. Sigh…when did I become old, uncool and so out of date . I just figured out what planking is now there is all of this other stuff. I have to admit it is fun but who comes up with it?? And who has the time???

  53. I desperately wish I could have gotten a picture of the giant metal elephant in North Georgia. I think her name was Lil’ Kim.

  54. Your post about body image makes me so happy. A student at my school wrote in her agenda at the top of the “Goals” section…”LOSE WEIGHT.” She’s 11. 🙁

  55. Now that the chimp video is seared into my brain I have of course forwarded it to my husband.
    I’m new to your blog (of course starting off with Beyonce) and have to admit I have a bit of a girl crush on you.

  56. Mrs. Bloggess I nominated you for an award. The Liebster award. I know you probably get 200 nominations a day but I dont care. You make me laugh every day and I really need that. You ROCK my socks. Love Amber

  57. I’ve heard and seen planking and owling. The horsemanning was hysterical. Stocking looks like fun 😉
    I loved your interview with the Naturalist, I kept laughing and then had to read it to my husband when he wanted to know what was so funny. I avoided the frog link, not sure if I want to have that in my head for days or not. Your dollhouse is awesome, the details are superb.

  58. Well, thanks for that. I’m never going to be able to look a chimpanzee in the face again. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Sod the 97% chromosomes in common, I’m with the frog.

  59. Must be a t-shirt: Sometimes you have to use your penis, whether you want to or not.

    Beyonce = this year’s halloween costume. “Knock, knock muthafukkah” Bwahhahaha!

  60. Not a link, just a thing that made me laugh:

    So at work yesterday I saw an electronic “20 Questions” game, which just seems sort of sad.
    My coworker was telling me it’s actually kinda fun, and that even though he picked something dirty, it pretty much guessed it. So of course I had to try.

    Since I’m assuming “penis” isn’t actually in the database?

    I’m gonna go ahead and call the (f’reals, was way too hung over to make this shit up) answer of “wiener schnitzel” a win…. ~grin~

  61. Discovered Big Mama Thorton’s version of Hound Dog. Blasphemous but, in my little brain, Elvis’ version sucks.

  62. That dollhouse: shock and awe. I can’t even begin to grasp what goes on in your brain, but I think it might involve demented genius.

  63. My trend knowledge went directly from planking to horsemaning. I dont know if that makes me cool or woefully behind.

  64. So while reading your post today I had one of those random thoughts. Usually they’re the result of a couple of drinks (one of which inevitably spills itself somewhere around my mouse… ) but so far your blog is doing the trick. The thought… in case you were thinking Cheesus when is this boy going to get to a point… was that have you noticed that there are very little to no spam comments on your blog? Even yahoo articles get posts about why the *insert political party here* is f**ing up Amer’ca or where you can get your new Russian bride a “real” Louiss Vuitton purse (yes the second s was intentional). I’m kinda thinking that it’s because even the widow of the Nigerian with $300million in turquoise beads locked in a vault in their uncle’s vault (I’m seriously waiting for my share… I mean the check cleared their bank months ago!) is so impressed with your blog that SHE has to make a real comment of her own. Or maybe she’s just afraid you might spam her back. Just thinking….

    Ok back to your regularly scheduled programming.

  65. All I have to say is, Danny McBride + Babies = GET IN MAH WOMB!

    *awkward silence*

    (Er, just so you know, the above comment was brought to you by a severe case of chronic insomnia.)

  66. I like that, no matter how many times I’ve said horsemaning in the last few minutes *a Lot*, it continues to sound dirty to me.
    Also, my cat just called me a hipster douche. He’s pretty straight forward like that.

  67. I hereby demand tshirts with the purse quote on them. Because my rack is SO. HEAVY. And nothing says subtle like highlighting your enormous rack with a quote about your enormous rack. Brill.

  68. Man. I kinda don’t even want to look up ‘horsemaning’ – I enjoying the image of a horse in a hoodie judging me for eat oats because oats are “so last season”. Effin’ horse.

  69. I ran into the same problem with the fad tricks. Somewhere between planking and stocking were coning and batting also. Apparently the children aren’t entertained enough…but by the looks of my adult friends facebook pages…neither are they. It must be the crappy box office year we’ve had.

  70. All I have to ask is did you have anything to do with either of the Beyonces and their pregnancies?!?! Also, has everyone just given up on wigging?! That’s fucked up.

  71. I just realized something.

    All these trends have one thing in common.

    The all end in “ing”.

    So, it stands to reason that the ultimate “ing” thing would be “inging”…wouldn’t it?

  72. I just lost an hour and a half of my life going through the archives, reading old Blogess posts. I’ll never get that hour and a half back. The upside? Now I’m in a fantastic mood, and the world is looking like a hilarious place to be. The downside? I am supposed to be shopping for something to wear to my grandmother’s funeral. The “Knock, Knock, Motherfucker” shirt could get here by Wednesday, right? My family would be HORRIFIED but granny? She’d be laughing her ass off.

  73. This has everything to do with nothing, but did you know that all the dicey words are not valid on Words with Friends? Like they don’t exist or something. I am sure that whore is a word. AMIRIGHT?
    See everything to do with nothing. Not even Stocking.

  74. Hey don’t know if you’ve ever seen the site Cakewrecks (, but the writers are celebrating their 13th anniversary today and TWO commenters mentioned that the 15th anniversary is for Big Metal Chickens. I had to laugh. Twice.

    Still looking for my own BMC in middle Georgia… *sigh*

  75. Honestly…never considered you a “mommy blogger”.

    Other than that – the article about your haunted house was funny.

    You are even MORE famous now! YAY! 🙂

  76. Well this has absolutely nothing to do with the post but I need a place to vent. Apparently I am the b-i-t-c-h of the family because I do not want to fly or drive all the way across the country for my grandmothers funeral. Sorry but I just don’t like funerals.

  77. I looked but couldn’t identify anything from M. R. James’ short story “The Haunted Doll’s House”. Did I overlook it?, or I suppose the whole thing could be it. (If you haven’t read the story I could provide you with a copy.)

  78. Don’t know if you are looking for a theme song….but I think this is PERFECT for you!

  79. What I like best (read: hate most) about that “news” story is that is says you had “been pegged as simply a mommy blogger and humor writer” until we discovered that you built a kooky haunted dollhouse, and THEN, you finally become more than “simply” anything. Awesome. Who knew that the stuff a brilliant woman made her living doing was akin to inconsequential, while her random hobbies defined her?

  80. CONGRATS!!! Just heard the news that Beyonce’ was pregnant!!! Who knew metal chickens could reproduce?!?!?!!? Time to throw a baby shower!!!

  81. I totally bought the “Oh Crap Potty Training” but then found out that it requires 3 days of my undivided attention. After attempting it for 9 hours, I gave up and went to buy wine. My daughter peed in the wine aisle and shouted “OH NO MOMMY, LOOK.” I just pretended like it didn’t see it and proceeded to the checkout. I figured it was payback for those fucking mini grocery carts.

  82. I watched the frog rape video… and laughed until I cried. I almost peed myself. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard for that long in forever. As soon my husband was home from work I told him he had to watch this video because it would blow his mind…. He laughed just as hard and as long as I had, until he was red in the face with tears streaming down. It takes a chimpanzee raping a frog to show a couple just how meant for one another they truly are. That’s romance.

  83. Horsemanning: proving that everything old is new again, especially when it comes to hipster photo memes. I’m personally choosing to look at it as early Halloween shenanigans.

  84. I hope I’m the first one to give you this idea because if not I’m going to be super-pissed. After looking at your awesome signs and t-shirts in the shop, I thought of a t-shirt design that I would totally buy from you. Picture it: “GO THE FUCK AWAY! I HAVE SHIT TO DO. (And no I don’t care if you’re a 2-year-old… or a stab-victim)”

    Why am I not making it myself you ask? I have shit to do.

    Lindsey Pearce
    Art-Teacher Extraordinaire
    Burleson, TX

  85. I hope this says something(?) about my parenting skills, but my 12-year-old daughter is begging for the tote bag to carry to her somewhat upscale, uptight middle school. Yes, we live in Portland.

  86. You: “No one thinks this is funny but me.”

    Well, obviously, that’s not true at all. Your Beyonce story had me doubled over in pain laughing and, admittedly, crafting a few ‘metal chicken-y’ ideas of my own for my well deserving spouse. I love your writing style and would SO appreciate your input on my fledgling (well, it’s practically fetal) blog –

    I’m 42, a mom of 2, and am looking into what it takes to get a new pair of, well, you get it, right? Anyway, my goal is keep it light-hearted, honest and entirely comical and to let other women know exactly what they’re in for with a boob job. I may do it. I may not. That’s what the blog is for. Science! Boob science, to be more specific. Would love your two cents.

    Please keep the hilarity coming. My lost soul needs it.

  87. This is why I keep my teenager daughters around rather than kicking them to the curb. Up until 2 weeks ago, I didn’t even know what a meme was and I swear I consider myself pretty damn smart. I mean, I read Time magazine front to back for god’s sake. But evidently, I’m really just short of your stuffed monkey. For their information alone, I’m willing to feed them.

  88. I LOVE the haunted Doll House. My only suggestion, because I know you value it, is it needs to be surrounded by a cemetery. But why stop there?….put the Haunted Doll House on a shelved table. In the cemetery section, because I know you are going to do that, you build a staircase under a tomb stone, which leads to the shelve under the DH. Now you have a whole new section to decorate UNDER the house…The Secret Cellar…Torture Chamber…..endless possibilities. Your Welcome.

  89. May I request that you do a more in-depth blog post about your Haunted Dollhouse in future? I think we’re all really interested in the whys and wherefores of how you did it. It is truly lovely.

  90. Okay. I’ve decided you’re cool. My sister has a small (compared to Beyonce, but still 3 feet), deadly, metal, turkey made from old oil cans on her porch. Well my friend Ali saw it, and she’s a fan of yours (and Beyonce obviously) and she sent us the link. Well, I’m hooked. You’re funny. Anyway, that dollhouse is spot on awesome and I have a funny dollhouse story to share. My best friend’s family had a regular (not Amityville Horror) dollhouse in their family room that we played with all through our childhood. We continued playing with it after we were getting stoned to the bejezus freshman year – we would arrange the dolls in all these pornographic crazy poses throughout the house. God I wish we had digital photography back then – it was so funny. Anyway, keep on keeping on.

  91. That shit is NOT NEW. The “horsemaning” thing? That trick was in this “photography for kids” book from like, the late 90’s, along with the one where you stand in a field with your hands out and have your friend stand in the distance so it looks like you have a tiny human in your palm? I always wanted to try it but I was a city kid, so I never had the open field. Or friends, for that matter.
    Anyway my point is, this comment is like five months late but I just found this blog and i fucking love it, but I saw this and I was like, “hipsters! you’re not that cool! i knew about that before you!” wait, is it actually a hipster thing? i assume so.

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