An open letter to lots of people I’ve accidentally offended

You know when you’re on twitter and someone sends you a DM about zombie gnomes, and then the next day you DM them back, saying: “That’s fucking hysterical. You made my whole morning!”

And then you go to their actual public twitter stream and it’s all: “Thank you so much for all of your kind words and DM’s”, and you realize that ten minutes ago they posted that their beloved grandma just died unexpectedly?

Yeah. I am so sorry about that.

194 replies. read them below or add one

  1. your post make my life. holla.

  2. Well… I suppose it could be worse. At least the DM does say what it’s in response to. And zombies are always hysterical.

    Tazer WP recently posted Things you can find on the internet, part Deux.

  3. It happens. Your message probably made her smile. That’s always good in a difficult time.

    Cat @Breakfast to Bed recently posted Chocolate Covered F Word..

  4. Damn. That’s rough.
    How unfortunate

    Nikki recently posted The Thunder Monster..

  5. Let’s just hope that they mix up your DM with someone else’s, and someone else’s name is attributed to your accidental callousness.

    Or that they know it’s you and would appreciate your thinking of them regardless of what you say.

    Amanda recently posted I Can Quit Any Time. I Swear..

  6. *cringe* I’m sure they’ll figure it out… you know, after the stress of the funeral and grieving process wears off?

    LDiggitty recently posted I found my fiance on the internet!.

  7. In your defense, zombies are fucking hysterical.

    Carri recently posted iPhone Photo Phun: First Day of Preschool.

  8. I do that shit all the time Jenny. My friends tell me that I have verbal diarrhea.
    I’m also incredibly inappropriate at funerals.

    Hikeezy recently posted Heeeeeere fishy fishee fishie.

  9. When I was in TV, the anchor missed our morning meeting. He came in and was apologizing to the producer about being late; I didn’t really hear the conversation, and I joked, “You know, you can only use that ‘my grandmother died’ line once.” He looked at me and said, “Mei, my grandmother DID die, just last night. I was with my mom this morning.” I just about crawled under my desk. Luckily he was a very kind man.

  10. Now that is unfortunate timing. Did they come back and say “I’m glad her death meant so much to you” or were there just tears? (of laughter hopefully)
    Nicole xxx

    Nicole aka _wideeyedgirl recently posted He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it" CB Kelland.

  11. Recently I was reading my Twitter feed and saw that one of my friends had posted, “I want my mommy.”
    So I got ready to send her this:
    And then read a little further and found out that her cat was really sick and she thought he was going to die. Awkward.
    Not, however, as awkward as my friend, who thought she was setting up a filter on Facebook called “alcoholics and other assholes” so that she could keep her family out of her business. She wasn’t setting up a filter, it turns out; she was inviting them to a group. Called “Alcoholics and other assholes”. I laughed for days, because I am a bad friend.

  12. Yeek!

    Stephanie recently posted A Handy Guide for All Our Sitters.

  13. Jenny, I’m typing this one-handed with a glass of wine in the other. But I love you no matter what you say. You have never offended me. If anything you could stand to be more absurd. I hope you are doing well. xoxo

    Teala recently posted New job and birthday stuffs!.

  14. Oh, wow. But I think you probably feel worse about this than the other person. I lost a very close family member not long ago…and I appreciated distractions that took my mind off of the sadness for a minute or two.

    jacqui recently posted Chicktuition Photo Surprise Contest….

  15. I have a friend that has the worst timing. We all worked in a bar and one of the people we worked with was in a car accident and died. My friend had been off for several days and came in the afternoon we had found out and no one had called him. He was in a great mood when he walked in and his first question was, “Who died?”.

  16. Nope, you’re not alone at all…

    Natalie recently posted Ethan’s First Day of Preschool.

  17. It would be even worse if the grandma had been eaten by zombie gnomes. You cannot worry about offending anyone these days otherwise you would be preoccupied every second. New reader…love it.

  18. Whoops. At least you sent it DM and not on the public stream. That would be worse.

    A Cajun Down Under recently posted My Life In Instagram.

  19. I dunno, I’m still hurt.

    I need a hug.

    Or maybe a quick flash.

    Nothing says “I’m sorry” more than boobs. Just sayin.

    Brandon recently posted Hotels - 1, Dog - 0.

  20. My husband’s grandfather just died and his sister posted a link to the obituary on Facebook. Four people have liked it so far – and they knew what they were liking – you’ll never be as offensive as those assholes.

    teri recently posted Raising awareness: you're doing it wrong..

  21. At least you said DM and not BM

    daniel recently posted Karma Shop Event.

  22. How about when you reply to an email that someone sent you for a job that you can’t remember applying for and were all confused because they called you Amanda and your name is clearly not Amanda. And then you realise a mere 2 seconds after hitting send, that gmail logged you as the aforementioned Amanda?

    Um, whoops.

    Deidre recently posted How we got engaged. Officially. Part two.

  23. I love you people.

  24. 25
    Holly (a.k.a. adoreprince)

    Hmmm, I was thinking – “nope, that is something that would only happen to you”…until I read the comments. Sorry. On the plus side (well, for me)…the zombie gnome is a fantastic gift idea for my sis, AND you’ve now introduced me to Pinterest. You rock! Thanks. Stay safe.

  25. um yeah. i’m on twitter, but i don’t understand it for shit. that’s why i like never respond to anything. i’m a bad twitterer…

    emily illinois recently posted In which children don't get movie references.

  26. Well, you don’t know me or anything, and I’ve never once commented on your site, but I just wanted to let you know that anybody who has enough of a sense of humor to send you that in the first place is not going to be offended. I wouldn’t be – in fact, a similar thing happened to me when my own grandma died. It was very nice to giggle again! And there was a lot of ridiculous laughter at her funeral, too, which she would have loved.

    And mostly I’m just taking advantage of this comment box to tell you how much I appreciate your posts about illness & struggling, like the one you RT’d today. It’s so nice to find a space on the internet that’s helmed by a “whole” person – humor, fear, anxiety, taxidermy… basically what I’m saying is that I think the robot dudes should steal your brain and then they’d solve the whole “uncanny valley” thing. But that might be the mudslide talking… *hic*

  27. should i know what a DM is?

  28. I 2nd what Emily said. I try to be on twitter but I just don’t get it. I’m just now figuring out the DM system!

    Janessa recently posted Wordless Wednesday - my 1st one!.

  29. Oh shit! That sucks!… for you….and them, of course…I’m gonna shut up now…

    Brandy recently posted Fabled Creatures From Beyond The Grave.

  30. As Flo would say, “That happens all the time!” and then you buy car insurance from her anyway. Because she’s so understanding.

    juliejulie recently posted My (Ridiculous) Life with Dogs: Living with a Papillion and a Weimaranar.

  31. Nope… I have never done anything even remotely that insensitive, ever.
    That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

    You’re awesome! Keep on twitterin’.

  32. Where the shit was I? I’m *knitting* zombie gnomes as we speak! Just ask Kelly, I threatened to gift her some…

  33. I worry incessantly over stuff like this. Although I’ve talked myself out of worrying over recent gaffes – now I only keep worrying about the ones that happened from about ages five to fifteen. They just don’t go away. In fact, I almost couldn’t finish watching the movie The Bridesmaids because it was SO cringe-inducing. It was almost physically painful.

    Christy recently posted Narrative Voice.

  34. Surely they see the humor, or will later. Much later, like about 17 bottles of wine from now.

    Teresa recently posted Quick! Can I Borrow $7.83??!!.

  35. I don’t need technology to help me along in that area. Happens all the time. It’s like I’m the star in some cosmic blooper-reel.

    “Man, is she a BITCH!”

    “Dude, that’s my wife.”

    “Oh, so you already know then…” recently posted This Is Just Wonderful.

  36. On the plus’s you. You sort of come with an automatic warning label that funny shit’s about to happen.

  37. Wait — why are you apologizing to *lots* of people? Just how many of these DMs did you send out?

    Laura (no, a different Laura) recently posted Terror in the Skies: An Open Letter to Vance Gilbert.

  38. Wait, are you sure the two post weren’t related?

    Jennbenn18 recently posted 10 years. And counting..

  39. That Totally Sucks…..That is the Story of My Life Too, don’t feel bad:-)

    BTW: That Zombie Gnome would look great on a T-Shirt

    Purple Stinky Onion

    Jenny recently posted Out of the mouths of Babes!.

  40. Oh, shiz. You hate when the universe f’s up the time/space continuum and doesn’t send you a memo, donchya?

    If it makes you feel any better … I once went the funeral of a friend and was seated next to the mother of the deceased. She turned to me and said, “Kelly always hated funerals.” (Obviously) not thinking, I replied, “Well, he came to THIS one, now didn’t he?”

    Laura from Fargo recently posted The Time I Looked High As A Kite / Wednesday, September 7.

  41. Twitter is really awful that way! I try to hashtag a comment when replying, but with only 140 characters, it’s often not possible.

    Stupid Twitter!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Unbelievable! Friggin' Unbelievable!.

  42. I spent all morning reading your “conversation” posts! I’m pretty sure you’re my favorite person ever! I must say the ones with Victor take the cake – or the bacon (seriously who says making the bacon – yes, but stealing it? Really?!). I feel as though I have a much better perspective after learning throug you. Some examples – I now know I need suspenders to be prepared for the zombie apocolypse, a lot of things are implied in wedding vows that aren’t quite said is so many words – the fine print of marriage, how to ward off ‘unwanted neighbors’ (just mention your axe!), justifying not just one but two slushie machines in every household… Oh – and every house needs a James Garfield as he is so versatile, festive and simultaneously keeps you on task. Yeap, you’re truly brilliant!!

    **Is it completely insensitive that my comment has nothing to do about your post about someone’s dead Grandma?? Yes?! Oh… well :::shrugs shoulders::: I’m going to hell anyways!!
    (Probably) Your biggest fan- in the non-stalkerish category of course-

  43. Well, crap?

    Also, that is something I would do.

    Veronica recently posted Two and a half is shit.

  44. Spat coffee soaked toast to prevent choking: lesson learned, do not read The Blogess while having breakfast

    You she devil you

  45. You have the best timing in the world…

    At least you’re sharing it with us. I mean, apologising. They say it’s good for the soul, or something.

    Metta (the letter m) recently posted Journalism, the art of cut and paste..

  46. Ha ha the Zombie Gnome photo nearly sprayed my morning coffee on the screen. Made my morning 🙂

  47. I think that you need to see this picture. It will make your day better.

  48. yep, that’s a rough one….

  49. My hairdresser spent about an hour telling me about his upcoming trip back home. As I was leaving, I said “See you in a few weeks. Have a great trip!” … and he gave me a funny look.
    Turns out he was going home for his dad’s funeral and to help his brother put their mother into an old folks’ home.
    I just don’t remember him telling me that part. I swear. I’m usually very sensitive.

  50. At a Labor Day party this weekend, my 3-year-old told my husband’s aunt that she has a big belly (loudly, in front of a lot of people. With me standing right there). Then, in case she missed it the first time, he pointed at her and explained that he meant that her belly is big, and sticking out. When he next solicited my input by asking whether I could see that she has a big belly, I said she had very pretty shoes, didn’t she?

    Still, not as embarrassing as this. Seriously. You’re f*cked.

    Heather recently posted Wednesday Wonderings: Top 10 Ways Bugs are Having Weirder Sex than You.

  51. I think maybe you just stumbled across another greeting card: “Sorry you’re grandma died. That’s fucking hysterical. You made my whole morning!”. Keep up the good work. -Hallmark

  52. You just can’t win when it comes to zombies. Not without pitchforks and fire. Also, talk about ill-timing 🙁

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted There's Nothing Ironic About Mud.

  53. Well…grandma passing was pretty hysterical.

  54. Nothing like sticking your foot in your mouth. I do that quite well sometimes. I’m sure she got a smile from your DM. Her Grandma would’ve wanted it that way…don’t ya think?

    Sheila recently posted Mission Accomplished.

  55. Were the zombie gnomes responsible for their grandmothers death? If so, there is nothing offense about chuckling at that, if not it may be sort of offensive…

    Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted The Story Of How We Came To Live With A Honey Badger.

  56. I joined the tail end of a conversation between my husband and our pastor. I assumed they were talking about one thing and when they discussed something that I thought was off topic I might have mentioned that their kid was “special” in a don’t-eat-the-glue kind of special. Turns out they were talking about behavioral problems in his kid. Whoops!

    rachel recently posted The Lolling Vacation.

  57. See…this is precisely why I don’t do Twitter. I’m totally lost on that site, and would probably congratulate someone on the death of their dog or something.

    awesomesauciness recently posted That Ain’t Chocolate.

  58. Hmm, I guess that’s a sucky moment. Zombie Gnomes, I may have to use that one.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,

    Tiffany recently posted Murder With My Coffee.

  59. Well, my best friend went to a cremation for a family member on a really hot day and said out loud (without thinking) during the service, ‘Can anyone smell burning?’.

    I shit you not.

  60. Foot in mouth disease, not just for cattle anymore!

    (I should know…)

    Meg recently posted So many chickens….

  61. I’ve stopped keeping count of how many times a day I open my mouth and insert my foot. I’m not quite sure I could count that high. I would hope that whoever sent the DM knew what you were replying to and didn’t mistake that you were talking bout a dead relative. Frankly it would have made MY day to know something I sent you made your morning because I super enjoy your blog! When I need a laugh, I come here. 🙂

  62. Have you ever seen Brian Regan’s bit about saying something totally ridiculous on accident? Always makes me feel better when I’m accidentally an ass.

    Allison recently posted Carpe Cakeum.

  63. One big fat ole bugga moment.

    I have that habit. Most people I know are used to it I think.

    miss.cinders recently posted The Moment I Have Always Dreaded.....

  64. Sure, zombies are hysterical NOW….. just wait until corpses reanimate…. I bet you won’t be laughing when they eat your face…..

  65. There needs to be a twitter equivalent of “open mouth, insert foot”

    Hold out hand, stomp the shit out of it?

    Allyn recently posted The Lolling Vacation.

  66. Man..if I had a nickel…

    moooooog35 recently posted Taking a 'Hands-On' approach.

  67. But the truth of the matter is that you should keep her on her toes, so that her grandma doesn’t reanimate as a zombie gnome.
    Just sayin’.

    Dangerboy recently posted The Dark Side, or the Dork Side?.

  68. Eesh. Well, it happens…to some of us more than others.

    Vesta Vayne recently posted Apologies are pointless unless they’re not.

  69. I just want to point out that zombie babies are not a threat because you can put tape over their mouths. There is no reason to shoot them. Perhaps letting them live could improve zombie human relations.

    Stephanie recently posted Our Rodgers, Who art in Lambeau, Hallowed be thine arm // Happy Birthday Zack.

  70. I’d like to think that Biz Stone and Evan Williams happily envisioned such awkwardness when they were inventing Twitter. A rapidly updating social interaction forum where people share whatever the hell they want and respond to others? That’s tailor made for awkward and offensive exchanges. And the world is much better and funnier because of it.

    T.C. Sprencel recently posted My Girlfriend Says Something Funny.

  71. I heart you so hard Your Honorable Bloggess. I am still pretending you are my friend and we go get ice cream together!

    Jackie recently posted A Response, Death and Other Stories.

  72. Don’t know if you noticed that two dance groups on America’s Got Talent were doing Zombie Apocalypse themes in their acts. I figure this means that ZA is officially over as a cultural phenom. It’s been mainstreamed to death…kinda like hooker shoes. Of course the real Zombie Apocalypse will resurrect itself from that shit, so best to stay prepped.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Wisdom's Going to Be the Death of Me.

  73. It is a fact commonly known that every sudden unexpected tragedy must be in want for zombie-gnome. That is all.

    Beesus recently posted Bringing 'Funky' Back. Also 'Dag'..

  74. Did the zombie Gnomes get Granny? Did someone else beat me to that punchline? did I cross a line in this comment? sigh. it happens.

    LA Juice recently posted I love LA, But Sometimes Bitch Faulks Me Up.

  75. I actually did do something similar years ago, only not so gracefully. Someone did something- can’t recall what. It peeved me off, so I responded the same way they talked to me, only like 3 days later. Then I read that the person’s mom or dad, and a sibling had just died in a car crash. Felt -way- sheepish, and apologized.

    @LA Juice- I think we were all wondering. Good of you to ask, so we didn’t have to. 😉

    Anna Nonamus recently posted How My Day Sucked Ass.

  76. What’s the “computer icon” for foot in mouth? But really if the Zombie Gnomes killed grandma that would be really fucking hysterical!

  77. 79

    But see, that’s what you’re best at- using humor to cut through pain… even if it was accidental this time! I’m sure if they’re the sort of folks who appreciate zombie gnomes, and recognize that you are too, they’ll not only know enough to not be offended, but will welcome a little comic relief in this difficult time.

  78. Apparently social media has raised the standards of friendships…so that now we have to know everytime our third grade boyfriend’s 2nd child had a birthday. And we are to be excited about it!

    Abby recently posted Say My Name, Say My Name.

  79. Every time someone uses the word gaffe, I think they’re saying giraffe, and I get confused.

  80. I just started laughing way too loudly in the middle of a quiet discussion class about sick mothers who sleep with their sons.

    Thanks for passing that on.

    Rai recently posted a series of Awkward Encounters.

  81. Ouch…Technology is awesome bitch.

    Jeane recently posted Portland Oregon Slutwalk…Escaping the Chains of Victim Blaming.

  82. Once, I was out with my uncle for coffee and he told me a story about a web video he saw of a man sweeping out an elephant’s enclosure, when the elephant backed into him and sat down and the guy’s head got stuck in the elephant’s ass. It was a hilarious and horrifying story, but I couldn’t stop laughing. Later that evening, we went back to my uncle’s apartment and my aunt started screaming at both of us (she and my uncle had been fighting and she was mad that he brought me back to the apartment). It was a really serious moment, but all I could think about was an elephant with a dude hanging out of his backside. So I just started laughing hysterically, I mean to the point of tears.

    Not one of my finer moments in family diplomacy, but it did confuse the shit out of my aunt.

  83. A reply from you would definitely make their day

  84. I was talking to a client in my office. We were having a pleasant conversation about some documents I needed. She then started sharing personal stories and told me she was battling breast cancer. Eventually the convo came back around to the paperwork. At the end, she said she would get me what I need. I said to her “ok sounds great. Let me know if I can help with any of it and keep me abreast of the situation”.
    Insert me banging my head against a wall.

  85. But was her grandma killed by zombies?

    the muskrat recently posted how she’s fared since coming out of the closet.

  86. Is it bad form to ask if there were either gnomes or zombies involved in the grandma’s demise?

    Betty Fokker recently posted Cue the fat-hate and hysteria.

  87. Your posts keep me going, lol. Thanks.

  88. Meh, I suffer from major foot in mouth disease. Like when I told my mother in law that the worst name in the world was Gertrude and she just looks at me and says. Yes, well, that’s my middle name. Then that year I get cotton balls and a cleaning cloth for Christmas from her. So I feel your pain.

    On a totally unrelated note have you read The Newsflesh trilogy by Mira Grant? (well only the first two books Feed and Deadline are out now). It’s about the world 30 years from now after the Zombie Apocalypse has happened and one of the only newsources are bloggers because they are the only ones crazy/brave enough to venture outside, and it was a blog that pretty much saved people. (I’m not doing the series justice). They are awesome books. I guess it’s really not a totally unrelated note seeing as your post involved Zombie Gnomes. Which are Awesome!

  89. If this weren’t already funny/sad enough, commenter #12 just made my life AWESOME. That’s the best story I’ve heard all day.

    Granted, the day kinda just started for me, but I doubt it will be topped.

  90. Don’t fret kiddo. They’ll just assume it was your medication Tweeting.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted I’ll admit it. I’m an addict….

  91. Well, look at the bright side. At least you didn’t call her grandmother a zombie gnome.

    Eva recently posted The weather outside is weather.....

  92. I am so offended!!! lol

  93. Maybe dead grandma is now a zombie gnome. It could happen….

  94. Did the zombie gnomes kill his grandma?! That’s fucked up.

  95. So…are you feeling like a bit of a twit? (can’t believe nobody else has gone for the obvious)

  96. At least the DM wasn’t “Holy crap! Someone needs to dig a grave and put that mofo in the ground right now before I take a shotgun to it! You have to take the threat of zombies seriously!”

  97. On the bright side:
    1) I just laughed my ass off, because that would totally happen to me; and
    2) If my grandmother had just died, I could definitely use a little comic relief in there along with the condolences.

    Anyway, who can resist the zombie gnome? That’s freakin’ beautiful.

    Calamitybird recently posted Things To Do Today.

  98. this post? will make up for your bad timing.
    and high-five for the foot-mouth club! you are not alone. trust me.

  99. Jenny- You are hysterical even when your not trying! I must have a zombie gnome…for a gift! So glad I read your post. Sorry about the DM faux pas!

  100. My favorite such moment: my good friend is a huge Michigan football fan. We were at our sons’ AYSO soccer game. He was discreetly listening to a Michigan game on an earbud and only paying partial attention to the soccer game. Suddenly Michigan scored — just as his son executed a perfect (but utterly illegal) clothesline on a kid from the other team, putting the kid flat on his back. My friend jumped up and fist pumped and whooped at Michigan’s touchdown, and was confused by the baleful looks. His wife (the minister) tried to sink into the ground.

    Ken recently posted What A Big Day Looks Like At Popehat: The Numbers.

  101. Wait, I am confused. Is this person’s grandma now a zombie gnome? Cause that’s kind of awesome and definitely hysterical.

    Nona recently posted The culinary challenge of vacation.

  102. ZOINKS! That is awesome. Also, can you buy zombie gnomes?!

    John B recently posted how to *not* have a conversation.

  103. I was at work a few weeks ago, and I passed by another nursing assistant who was talking to two patients in a room. She was new to the shift and had no idea of either patient history. One patient was telling her how she had ended up in the hospital, and the NA said jokingly, “Well at least you didn’t try to kill yourself.”

    The roommate was in the hospital for that very reason.

    I think we all put our foots in our mouths at times.

    Corinne recently posted 30 Days of Shamelessness - Day 6.

  104. I need to get a prosthetic foot to carry around with me so that when EVER I open my mouth I can just stuff that foot right in there and get it over with.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted FrankenBoob ©.

  105. This blog post killed my grandma and turned her into a zombie gnome. I DEMAND COMPENSATION!

    joshua m. neff recently posted Two Ears, One Mouth.

  106. I once commented on a blog post after reading only the first paragraph where the author said how she laughed at a joke that used the word “retarded”. I tried to make her laugh in a Sarah Silverman style of humor, and was all “Ha! Retarded!”. Had I read on I would have seen that she was being sarcastic, had a mentally handicapped friend and was super offended by that word. Yeeaah.

  107. Oopsies. Well, stuff happens.

  108. I saw the Gnome and almost pee’d myself. Best tweet ever.

  109. One time I went to a funeral for a friends grandmother.
    I hadn’t seen my friend in over 10 years.
    When I walked in, I was so excited to see him I forgot where I was, ran across the room and practically jumped on him as I hugged him…as I’m saying “OH MY GOD! WE TOTALLY HAVE TO GET TOGETHER FOR DRINKS!!”
    *looking around and realizing where I was*
    “Um, yeah, you know…because this is such a sad time, and I’m so sorry for your loss”

    I slinked out and went to the bar. I had drinks alone that day.

    These things happen.

  110. Damn, that does suck, but it happens to the best of us. And all this talk of zombie gnomes makes me want one real bad!!!

    Nina recently posted The Busy Life Of A Single Mom......Or Am I Just A Slacker?.

  111. You know what would solve everything?

    Nathan Fillion holding twine.

    Ali recently posted Review: Attack the Block (2011).

  112. Yeah, I do that shit all the time. I’m horribly embarrassed for a bit and then just hope they didn’t notice. You can take some comfort that it was a DM and not a Reply All.

    Bad Influence Speaks recently posted Dragon*Con 2011: Costumes at the Con.

  113. you could always just start participating in the #inappropriatefuneralsongs TT…

  114. That. Is. Awesome.

    I’m sure I’ve done something very similar, but I’ve blocked out the memory.

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Multiple Choice.

  115. It feels like I’m always THAT girl.

    Lindsay recently posted I’m home! Ready for pictures?.

  116. was the grandma eaten by zombies? b/c she’s probably not really dead then…

  117. In your defense, zombie gnomes ARE pretty hysterical.

    Penguin recently posted At Least You're Not Being Eaten by a Giant Crocodile.

  118. Yep, that would definitely be awkward!

    Nikki recently posted Let The Camels Do The Spitting.

  119. I seriously laughed at Sam’s comment about the cremation and friend who asked if someone can smell burning. Frickin hilarious, you couldn’t make it up!
    Don’t feel bad by the way, happens to me ALL the time. I’m especially good at asking people when their baby is due and when they look at me you realise what a complete bitch you seem!

  120. @ Desert_Bell – “Alcoholics and other assholes” – that is hilarious! I’m picturing some of my family being asked to join such a group, demanding, “Well? Which one is it that you think qualifies me?” Ha!

  121. That seems incredibly cringe-worthy and is precisely why I invented my own villainous aterego to avoid feeling bad about saying stupid things and creating awkward situations. When faced with these awkward scenarios, I can just pretend I’m a callous Bat-Gargoyle living in a gothic mansion somewhere with laser eyes and poisonous fangs, because callous Bat-gargoyles don’t have any feelings and are basically bad-ass motherfuckers.
    it’s a glorious coping mechanism.


    Sarah recently posted The history of pets..

  122. I have totally made the “Who died?” comment when somebody actually died. The split second between laughing at your own joke and then realizing something terrible sad happened is an AWFUL feeling.
    I’ve also made the “What, did you get knocked up?” comment when talking to a new teen mom. That was also a terrible feeling.
    So, in light of this, your comment wasn’t SO horrible. Right?

    Mads recently posted Apeman found in cave!.

  123. Twitter means never having to say you’re sorry.

    "Susan Says..." recently posted 9/11: Approaching The Tenth Anniversary.

  124. Well hell, maybe twitter should give a recap automatically of what you’re responding to. That’s it. Blame Twitter.

  125. I’m going to take the inappropriateness a step further and suggest that perhaps your DM gave him some comfort – maybe his grandmother is not really gone. Maybe she will return in a new, improved, zombie-like state, just a little shorter. And maybe she will want to hang out in the garden all the time.

  126. At least you didn’t send the knock knock motherfucker beyonce pic.

  127. Grandma would have wanted it that way.

    You know, when I’m dead, I hope the word “hysterical” is used a lot by the people I love, instead of “tragic”, or “untimely”, or “murder-suicide” or any of those other gruesome things.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Big Boss of the Day: Peter Scolari.

  128. Don’t feel bad…a few months ago, my best friend’s grandfather died and since he was a military vet, they were burying him in the local veteran cemetery. Those places have a whole weird process that involves sitting around in your car waiting for them to “call you back to the pavillion for your funeral ceremony time” – anyways, i was waiting in my car with my best friend and her little sister’s boyfriend (17yr boy with ADD) and he was bored and going through the crap in my backseat – where he found supplies from a baby shower that i threw a year ago (yes I need to clean out my car – don’t judge me). He found “stork bundle” stickers from a “pin the bundle on the stork” game and just for fun my best friend and I stuck them on the back on his pants (which he knew we were doing since he had to turn around)….anyways cut to 45 mins later, we finally get called back to the pavillion, we get the parking space directly next to the hearse and upon getting out of the car I see my best friend burst into laughter and then i look over and remember we forget all about the stickers and they were still on his butt – then all 3 of us couldn’t stop laughing – oh and the laughter got worse when we tried to remove the stickers but they wouldnt come off – meanwhile the rest of my friend’s family and the military guard are all staring at us b/c we are in hysterics laughing right next to the hearse as the coffin is being taken out. It does not get any more offensive than that….although my best friend said it was the best thing that could’ve happened b/c now when she remembers her grandfather’s funeral she isnt sad.

  129. Kinda like when a friend posted on her FB newsfeed how her son was having a really bad tourettes morning. My response was “ROFL Holy F(*#&$ SH*(&#$# AS(&*#$(!!!! =)”

    Yeah…found out he actually has Tourettes Syndrome.


  130. Maybe you misread the DM? I danno, to me it says, “look at this kick-ass urn we got for Granny’s ashes”.

  131. They can’t expect you to check every twitter status before you reply to their DM, right? I mean, if I was responding to an email from someone, I would just reply to it; I wouldn’t call them up and ask them if anything traumatic had happened that should prevent me from replying.

    Also, they shouldn’t send inappropriate twitter messages when something bad is about to happen. If they expect you to be psychic and know something bad happened to them, then they should be psychic and realize it is going to happen and not message you in the first place.

    Did I just talk in circles? Maybe. It made sense in my head.

    thehaughtylibrarian recently posted This should just be common sense, alas.

  132. Once I was looking at a friend’s pictures and I was like, “Who’s the hottie you’re with?” She said, “Um. That’s my brother.” And I said, “Wow, your brother is hot!” That’s not the awkward part. The awkward part was in the car on the way home when I recalled that her brother had committed suicide a few months earlier. What a caring friend I am.

  133. i kind of like the whole open letter idea. then you can offend away, and you’re covered. no muss, no fuss.

    in bed with married women recently posted "Women Happy Medicine".

  134. I notice that “inappropriatefuneralsongs” is trending in some areas of the U.S. on Twitter…you were just forecasting an upcoming trend.

    Vado Banane recently posted Survival of the Fittest Isn't Working....

  135. These comments made me heart the Internet all over again. I laughed ’til I cried at Sam’s comment about smelling something burning at a cremation. As the song says: You’ll never fuck up alone.

    Erica M recently posted lovelinks #22 is open for voting: don’t let this chaos bother you.

  136. Someone has to make you a zombie version of Beyonce. Seriously.

  137. You and Representative Weiner now have something common; openly offending people on Twitter. You could have atleast added an image of yourself in whitie-tighties like he did. Grandma would have appreciated that!

    Jennifer recently posted Round Two:The Weird Things You Can Buy on Etsy...You Don't Want to Miss This!.

  138. Luckily Twitter shows what you’re replying to, so I would think that the person wouldn’t be offended.

    On another note:

    Tonya recently posted Waverly Street.

  139. I would totally buy that gnome too… I’m not a huge lawn ornament person, but since we bought our house we have acquired three different lawn gnomes…. one of which was found early one morning on the hood of my girlfriend’s car… three months later and we still have absolutely no idea how the gnome came to be… we think it may have been a weird welcoming present from a neighbor (as it’s toasting a big mug of beer), but no clue from who… random, but it’s one of our favorites! I really think we need the zombie gnome as a new addition.

  140. It could be worse… the first funeral I went to was my grandmother, I was in college, and I looked at my mother and asked “Why is it so cold in here??!” In front of the entire family… yep. I’m friggin brilliant.

    At least yours was a DM and not in front of 70 other people….

    Jessica recently posted Repo.

  141. Yup. I blame it on them.

    Reminds me of a friend of mine who, years ago, had been working on a project with a guy for nearly a year, gotten to know him quite well, gone out for beers/working out/puppy killing with him on many occasions, and then was sitting with him at lunch and had the following conversation:

    The guy: “You know, there’s something I need to tell you. I think we know each other well enough by now.”
    My friend: “You’re not going to tell me you’re a fag, are you?”
    The guy: “Well, I WAS. But not now.”

    My friend spend about three years trying to convince him that, even though he is straight he really loves gay men and women and is totally liberal and see, he even voted for Obama.

    They are best friends now. The guy likes to tell the story ALL the time, especially when other gay friends we have known for years are around. He gets hissed at and kicked in the nuts quite often.

    When the guy is not around, I tell the story.

    wagthedad recently posted Multitasking Will Kill You.

  142. You’re so not alone. My best friend’s dad passed away recently. She was showing me his urn and told me that the ashes of a cremated adult weigh about 15 pounds. Sensitive as always, I said “hmm, I wonder what cremated babies weigh.”

  143. Open mouth. Insert keyboard.

    Amy recently posted My So-Called Life Rewind.

  144. I once told a costumer that I was as busy as a one armed wall paper hanger. She then informed me that her father use to hang wall paper and he only had one arm. It was kinda awkward. Then there was a time I accidentally told a nun to fuck off. Good times.

  145. See, this is why I don’t like Twitter. Cuz I’m not on it often enough and then when I DO get on I have no idea what the fuck is going on and I risk saying something completely idiotic, and it’s not like I’m even remotely popular enough for people to forgive me the way they might forgive you. I mean, people live their whole LIVES on Twitter and I just step in once a month or so, and it’s like being the new kid in school that came halfway into the semester, where everybody already knows everybody else and all the hookups and cliques have already happened and you’re standing there like a douche hoping someone will pay you attention. Fuck Twitter anyhow. Does that help?

    Leila recently posted Here, Have Some Spam for Breakfast.

  146. well, it’s official. you’re our comedic hero. so, we made your likeness from our website’s mascot, a maxi pad named Max. I know what you’re thinking, “Max? Seems a little predictable.” Whatever, don’t worry about that.

    Think less creepy and more homage.

  147. I’m sorry this is off topic, but I thought you might be interested in this. Neil Gaiman has a project up on (Just go to the site and type in his name and his project will come up.) If I remember correctly, you are a big fan of his, and this sounded like something you might want to be a part of. (If I am not remembering this correctly, and you have no idea what I’m talking about…please forgive me! 🙂 )

    DogsDontPurr recently posted Fourty Three.

  148. well that was “unfortunate” timing for your Tweet, eh?
    OR, maybe it was a much needed laugh that she needed??
    Yeah, probably not.
    I can’t for the life of me keep up with my Twitter feed, so I constantly look like a day-behind moron on there.
    Plus, the drinking makes my Tweets look dumb too.

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted We Caught Meth Germs. Or Herpes. Meth Herpes, Maybe?.

  149. Thinking about it, I have had a lot of experiences like this. ooops..

    But instead I will tell of my boyfriends, because i wont get embarrassed telling his.

    My boyfriend, a close friend, and I were sitting around a table at a hookah lounge when we brought up FaceBook and a picture on there of my close friends girlfriend and her mother. My boyfriend LOUDLY exclaims that her mother looks like a “cracked out skeeze ball of a prostitute who is on the edge of death”….she had died three days prior

    I giggled. It was awful.

    Nikki recently posted My Story of Dealing with Suicide..

  150. Your gonna need a crowbar to get your foot out of your mouth with that one.

    Michelle recently posted Feeling like a slacker….

  151. Every time I DM I want to scream “danger WIll Robinson” for the insult that inevitably will come forth.

    Meg at the Members Lounge recently posted Tally-Ho! We Are Rich!.

  152. That’s fucking hysterical! You just made my whole day!

    Phoenix Rising recently posted You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....

  153. Hey Jenny,

    Sorry about posting this here but i didnt see an email option…prolly because you dont want to be bothered by nonsense from all sorts of randoms but *do you* have an email? i have a quick question for you. Also LOVE your blog, you made me laugh so hard at my desk my boss asked me what i was doing and now SHE is hooked on your blog…see? i got your back 🙂



  154. You are wonderful. Awkward, but wonderful. I just lost my Gram and if I got that message from you it would have made me crack up. There’s something wrong with people who can’t appreciate a genuinely hilarious faux pas. I don’t know if that’s spelled right. Fo paw. You know what I mean. Laughter thru tears is the best kind.

    Sarah recently posted Firsts and Lasts.

  155. i’m confused, did a zombie kill someone’s grandmother? i thought they were just make believe…

    Simone recently posted An OG tells what it’s like to be trapped in the body of a white female.

  156. Dearest Jenny,
    Today in my history class my teacher told us to write what we knew about “Copernicus” on a piece of paper and hand it in. So of course I write, “Copernicus is a stuffed (probably evil) monkey The Blogess found in a small thrift store. He is known best for his quote, “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.” He also has a Valentine card collection out as well, and may or may not be homicidal.”
    I got the paper back later that day with a red minus on the top. I’m guessing this is because my paper was so spot on he was to astonished to finish the A+ he was writing. Maybe.
    Also he probably should have been more specific as to which Copernicus we were writing about. 🙂

  157. Your humor and sarcasm are spot on. I use your posts to cheer up friends who are having bad days b/c they have dark and evil senses of humor

  158. Jenny is human, after all. 😉 Seriously, never change your crazy and free-spirited ways, even if it results in moments of awkwardness like this. You’re so inspirational!

    Nick recently posted "Enemies and Rivals: Part 1".

  159. Here’s a little story that may make you feel better. A little background first – my mother-in-law is a drinking, gambling, trash-mouthed woman (yeah, she can be fun!). She is still married to my father-in-law, but since they really can’t stand each other (they live in the same house but have their own bedrooms), she has a boyfriend. My father-in-law often accompanies them to family gatherings, and her boyfriend and my father-in-law often play cribbage together.

    When my mother-in-law’s mother passed, we all went to the funeral. It’s a fairly large family, so as we were waiting for people to arrive and the ceremony to start, the priest started going around the room, asking people’s names and telling them what their name means. When he got to my mother-in-law, whose name is Karen, he told her it meant “pure one”. The *ENTIRE* room burst into hysterics, including my mother-in-law. I think we seriously offended the poor priest!

    Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl recently posted “What are you doing?”.

  160. I work as an attorney and needed to send a check to a friend of mine. Since I hate sending a check alone in an envelope, and I was already in the middle of typing of some actual work correspondence, I thought it would be funny to write a letter on my company letterhead and using legal jargon to write the offer of contractually obligated “oral sex jobs”. I assumed this would be like writing “for blow jobs” in the memo line but funnier.
    The downside is I mistyped my friend’s address and sent the letter to a neighbor instead. A few days later I get a call at my office from a woman saying I don’t know her but she accidently opened my letter not realizing it wasn’t addressed to her, and as it looked important she wanted to know if she should resend it back to me or on to someone else. I did not ask her if she read the letter but the tone of her voice told me enough. In one fell swoop I went from funny joke to embarrassing myself, my firm and my profession.

  161. When I read this post, I was thinking “Yeah, you and me are the only ones in the world that would do stuff like that.” and then I started reading the comments…..there’s a whole freaking army of us out there!!!

    Gigi recently posted These Things Hidden.

  162. First off, my beloved grandmother did die, but not so much beloved because she was a bitch. And secondly, you offend me all of the time, but I still love you because that is the way I commit to dysfunctional relationships, Sista.

    But Copernicus cannot kill babies or kids or I ban him for life. Even a dark Mommy with suicidal tendencies has to have her standards.

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Twitter Nonsense.

  163. Well, unless their grandmother was a zombie gnome, they will get over it. Probably. But if you wake up with Beyonce’s bloody head in your bed, maybe not. So, how many wars, mental breakdowns and divorces do you think Twitter will cause today? Counting yours?

    hogsatemysister recently posted Capt. Buttface and Stinky Green David.

  164. That’s fucking awesome! (And I say that hoping another grandmother hasn’t died.)

    I think you suffer from Openmouthinsertfootiosis. I have it too. It’s pretty serious, but it’s no Ebola so don’t worry.


    Maria recently posted WebMD is breeding Hypochondriacs, I'm sure of it. Also, I'm pretty sure I have ebola now..


    I bet you did cheer her up. I’d piss my pants if you DM’ed me.

    I need to get out more.


    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Cocks. And Gay Marriage..

  166. In times like these, lean into your faith. WWBD
    (What would Beyonce do?)

    Kirsten recently posted the one about maggie goes on a diet.

  167. My mother died suddenly, and we donated her organs. One of the first messages my sister and I heard on her answering machine when we went to her house to clean out the fridge, etc. was from The Kidney Foundation. I shit you not–they were asking if she had anything to give. We busted out laughing and I said, “Should we tell them she already gave?” Not to say that your friend has the fucked-up sense of humor that runs in my family, but one can hope, yes?

    sophie recently posted Unfriendly Skies.

  168. First… I think you are hilarious…. I’ve spent an hour laughing my ass off at your blog. Second – it drives me nuts that you don’t use quotations in conjunction with periods or commas correctly (all of the time). Some times you get it right. Some times not. Quotations go on the outside of a period or comma.

    Example 1…. “That’s fucking hysterical. You made my whole morning!” Correct! 🙂

    Example 2… “Thank you so much for all of your kind words and DM’s”, and you realize that ten minutes ago they posted that their beloved grandma just died unexpectedly? … Incorrect. 🙁

    Your newest fan. 🙂

  169. My mom broke her pelvis and my husband’s grandfather died yesterday, and if I had that DM it would have made my whole damn day. You’re The Bloggess. You can Tweet “Prune Enema” and people would eat it up. (You. Not the Prune Enema. And not a Zombie Eating You, but the Essence of You. Title for new Bloggess zombie perfume?)

    Julie the Wife recently posted The Mystery of the Broken Pelvis.

  170. Oh. Shit.

    Momma Teacher Lady recently posted Potty Training: It Ain't for the Weak.

  171. You could always offer to send a zombie gnome as memorial for grandmother.
    Just sayin’.

    Lisa recently posted September Morn....

  172. Ha! I may just have nightmares about zombie grandma gnomes tonight. But anyway, Twitter is so crazy minute by minute, that’s the beauty of it… so much miscommunication!

    Craftwhack recently posted Good Little Doggie.

  173. I’d like to leave a comment, except I’m afraid I’ll say something really lame.

    Oh, shit. I just did. lol

    Debbi recently posted Cue the Laugh Track!.

  174. It’s so hard to coordinate death and Zombie Gnomes. Timing is everything.

    Dana Strange recently posted We got STYLE.....

  175. I’m reading all the comments, laughing, because that’s the kind of crap that would happen to me, when I got to #170. And I’m like HOLY SHIT THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!!! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

    Turns out the odds are pretty good, if you and your sister both read The Blogess.

    carson recently posted The view. It is different from up here..

  176. I just want to tell you that I’ve recently come across your blog and it has made my life. I’ve been reading it for literally two days now and I can’t stop. You’re amazing and wonderful and hilarious. I can’t wait for your book. I’ve even blogged about you on my blog. Impact has been made on my life.

  177. Don’t beat yourself up, they can see what you were replying to!

  178. hi jenny,

    i know this is SO off topic and not humorous, but I know you live in Texas and have tons of followers now. Can we start a Beyonce fund? Ask your followers to donate a dollar each to help the recent victims of the terrible wildfires we are having? a little will go a long way! (just a thought) continue what you are doing…. you make me laugh even when i don’t feel like it!!!!

  179. That reminds me, years ago I was at a pub with a couple of friends, a guy I knew came up to say hello. After about 10 min of awkward conversation he left. One of my friends turns and says jokingly “what’s with him, was he kicked in the head” my reply “ah yeah, he was kicked in the head by a horse and was in a coma for 3 months” I think my friend wanted the ground to swallow him at that point.

  180. One time I played a “yo momma” card in response to someone’s stupid comment. Then he replied, “my mom is dead.”



    Jenna recently posted Scrub-a-Dub.

  181. Several years ago, I had just gotten done doing some MAJOR cleaning in the house to surprise my mom. When she came in and started crying, I automatically assumed it was because she hadn’t seen the house that clean in a long time and made the dumbass comment of “It’s okay, nobody is dead.” Turns out someone was dead. One of mom’s cousins (one she had baby-sat as a kid) had a bad car accident and mom had just been informed before she came home. Oops…

  182. been there, done that, unfollowed and vilified

  183. 186
    dale in denver

    I hope Copernicus didn’t have anything to do with their grandma’s demise….

  184. This is WHY we are supposed to be glued to our phones and check our twitter, facebook, etc etc every minute. Somehow my husband does not get this. Sheesh.

    subWOW recently posted Raised by My Child.

  185. Last spring, I was having lunch with several bloggers in my area. I was in the middle of the table, trying to listen to 2 conversations at once. One was hysterical, so I did a big old donkey laugh and turned to my left where I brayed into my girlfriend’s face. I was cracking up but the rest of the table had gone deathly silent. Yeah. My friend had just announced that she was getting tested for breast cancer.

    Awesome timing. Foot into mouth.

    Thank God my friends know I am just a little awkward at times.

    tracey recently posted To top it all off, I was wearing a Thong....

  186. My life is a daily struggle of attempting to keep my foot out of my mouth

    The Nerdy Nurse recently posted Working as a Nurse Informacist: Am I Still a Nurse?.

  187. I thought you would appreciate this, although not at the Houston Chronicle.

  188. Oops. You win some, you lose some… I guess?

    Steph B. recently posted The Often Forgotten MMC Member.

  189. well, was her grandmother the zombie gnome? because then why would you feel bad that she died? she was already dead… and gnomey.

    Amanda recently posted I’ve been to the Biggest Loser Ranch! (or – how I almost got arrested for B&E on vacation).

  190. This may be one of the funniest blogs I have ever been to. The internet needs more like this!

  191. omg I basically did the same thing on facebook, where i didn’t read other people’s comments before posting something… so it was something like this

    Friend: “HAVING A BAD DAY”

    ((in expanded comments))
    X: what happened?
    Y: feel better
    Friend: My grandma died today
    Z: that’s so sad!

    natalie recently posted halloween (vegan) cupcakes.

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