It kind of feels like a hollow victory

Conversation with Victor in the car…

Victor: You never talk to me while I’m driving. You just play on your phone.

me: Oh. I was just thinking that my friend M.is amazing, but she can’t see anything other than her flaws. I wish I could make her see all the awesomeness inside of her. She’s like a magnificent pinata filled with such beauty, and all I want to do is just smash her in the face with a stick.

Victor: What the f-?

me:  But in a good way.

Victor: It’s amazing that Hallmark hasn’t called you yet.

me: I know. They don’t have nearly enough cards about pinatas. Hey, do my eyeballs smell?

Victor: Are you high right now?

me: No, I’m serious. If I said “It smells like ass in here” you’d know what I mean. Same thing with armpits, and earwax, and feet, and unwashed hair, but you never hear people saying “something smells like eyeballs in here”. I wonder if humans are immune to the smell of eyeballs.

Victor: This is not even close to what I had in mind when I asked you to talk to me.

me: Well, that’s the danger of not giving me a topic. I bet cats can smell eyes. That’s probably why when I wake up sometimes Posey’s face is like an inch from mine, and he’s staring right at my eyeballs. They probably smell awesome.

Victor: Or terrible.

me: I bet they smell delicious.

Victor: *silence*

me: Smell my eyeballs.

Victor: I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.

me: Well, now I’m all curious. I can’t smell my own eyeballs, dude. This exactly why I got married.

Victor: You got married so you’d have someone to smell your eyeballs?

me: Well, not specifically. I mean, it wasn’t in the vows. But it was implied.

Victor: You know what? I take it back. Please, please go back to your phone.  You win.

me:  Really?  I didn’t even know we were fighting.  My God, I’m good at this.

 

355 thoughts on “It kind of feels like a hollow victory

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh. My. Gawd….. this….. it’s just poetry.
    Remind Victor:
    Ask and you shall receive.
    Beggers can’t be choosers.
    and
    You win.
    Always.
    <3

  2. I’m using this conversation, too.

    I’ve smelled eyeballs before, but they were bathed in formaldehyde. I imagine they smell better when still implanted in the head.

  3. Next time my wife moans that I don’t speak to her in the car but just look at my phone, I’m showing her this blog entry!

    You never fail to make me laugh.

  4. You have a very valid point. Sometimes my evil cat sniffs around my eyeballs…but I never gave it any thought until now. Maybe only cats can smell them though?

  5. That sounds about right for a husband/wife conversation. My wife will do the same thing, maybe not eyeball sniffing, but something just as random. That’s why I drink.

  6. I’ve been in the presence of my fake husband (we live in sin) all day, thanks to the holiday. He won’t stop talking and I just want a little silence. I’m taking notes on the eyeballs. p.s. I bet they smell sour.

  7. I’d also like to point out I am a dimwit who cannot spell ‘whose’ and I am a different Corinne to the above Corinne. Hello Corinne!

  8. PS Your comment box hates my blog. It made me put http:// in front of the URL and look ^ NO HYPERLINK.

    I think I tricked it this time though.

  9. Jane above is probably right… Salty. Salty balls. Like an ocean, so depending on how close you live to one or how long you’ve lived near one it would smell like fish and rotten seaweed. This explains the cat thing!

  10. I personally hope that my eyes smell a little like Funyuns. If they don’t, I’m probably better off not knowing.

  11. That is hilarious! I’ve wondered what eyeballs smelled like too! My cats are always sniffin at them or trying to lick them. Do they smell so good they can’t resist, or are they trying to clean them cause they reek?

  12. I’m not married so I asked this woman to smell my eyeballs and she pretended she didn’t speak English. I’m like “it’s labor day, why do you hate your country, SMELL MY EYEBALLS.” Checkmate.

  13. Wow. I’m bookmarking this one. When I think I’m too weird, I’m going to read this again and know…I’m not.

    That Corinne above gives good comment.

    And congrats on your victory. That makes you Victor’s victor or Victor your vanquished. Or both.

    Also, you should write a novel. I’d totally buy it.

  14. One of my favorite Old 97s songs is called “I’ve Got Eyes for You” and goes on to sing that “I keep them in a jar up in my room.” So, obviously, you just need to get a jar of eyes and open them every so often to get a whiff of eau de eyeball. Problem solved.

  15. Take a flexible straw and put one end into a nostril and the other near your eyeball, either one right or left will do (that also includes nostrils unless one side is stuffy, then it won’t). Occlude the other nostril with a finger, unless it is already stuffy, then you can skip this step, and sniff – unless both are stuffy, then you should wait until they are not, both stuffy that is. Do this in a good light and with a mirror when you are not driving or being driven, unless you are stopped for a prolong period like parking. Repeat several times to be sure, and do it away from your eyeball so you are sure you are not smelling the straw, or eyebrow or the inside of your nose. Also sniff your fingers to be sure you are not smelling them. Do this away from perfume and flowers and the litter box.

    OMG, I cannot believe I actually have to explain this to you.

  16. True story: Our neighbor leaned over in the middle of a church service and asked my mom to smell her eye. Literally “Hey, smell my eye”. She thought her makeup had expired.

  17. I’m pretty sure dogs can smell eyeballs. A dog I used to dogsit for used to smell my eye so frequently, I was starting to worry I had, like, eye cancer or something. Maybe she just thought my eye smelled foul and it needed a wash.

    Huh.

    The more you know.

  18. I just tried to smell my own eyeballs – kind of with the same technique that I try and smell my own breath with. Neither work.

  19. Honestly..I think asking your hubs to smell your eyeballs is perfectly reasonable. Why do they get so worked up over SIMPLE requests and questions?

    I asked my husband if he would turn gay for me if I decided to have a sex change operation and he wouldn’t answer that question. I think I have a right to know how committed he is to this relationship. He just thinks I should be committed.

  20. Please make a , You’re so great I’d like to punch you in the face with a bat like a pinata, card. I Want

  21. You are amazeballs. I fucking love you and I am sure your eyeballs smell fantastic.

    P.S. Victor is awesome and should really be capitalizing on this. I mean Hallmark pinatas? He totally needs to write the pitch! Just sayin’.

  22. You are awesome! You have completely made my day!!! I love your blog. Sometimes when I’m having a bad day I go back and read old post just for a laugh!

  23. Well, this is just great. I was eating my egg salad sandwich when I pulled open your blog. That’s when I quickly lost my appetite. All I could think about were slimy eyeballs. Not the infected kind, but eyeballs the morning after a long night of too much alcohol, rough sex, and failing to wash off my mascara and eyeliner. You know the type. You wake up with all that black shit in the corner of your eye and it feels like you have a thick film over your cornea. I sat thinking about that film. If one could peel it off the eye, it would probably be a shade of pale yellow. The exact pale yellow of my egg salad sandwich. Thank you. You are the best diet ever.

  24. I now have a new response to questions that involve things I really don’t want to do. “I’d rather smell your eyeballs.”

  25. There are no words to describe the wonder of this post. P.S. You’d think Victor would’ve learned by now… but no.

  26. Another point, I though of after reading your post about your psychiatrist hating you, don’t do this after sex since you might think an eyeball smells like semen. At least wash your eyes and face well, shit take a god damn shower – alone this time! And use soap! and water too, works better that way.

  27. If I woke up and my cat was sniffing my eyeballs I think my first thought would be “I hope she doesn’t think they smell delicious.”

  28. please know that I was totally waiting for this to turn into wondering how eyeballs taste. Please ask Victor to lick your eyeballs and get back to us. It’s for the team, Jenny.

  29. “my friend… is amazing, but she can’t see anything other than her flaws. I wish I could make her see all the awesomeness inside of her. She’s like a magnificent pinata filled with such beauty, and all I want to do is just smash her in the face with a stick.”

    you absolutely crack me up. you turn a few stolen moments to check blogs into tears of laughter. i love you for that.

  30. You are a prophet, guiding me and showing me the way en. I feel enlightened in a way I haven’t felt in years. My husband – not so much a fan, I don’t know, can’t figure it out.

  31. You are SOOOOOOOO my idol. And my husband SOOOOOOO feels for Victor. I personally don’t care what he or Victor thinks. I bet he won’t smell my eyeballs, either.

  32. That truly is a brilliant argument. The next time we start to have one of these in the car, I’d like to just have call you!

    And eyeballs have to smell! My cats are always sniffing at them too!

  33. I had this conversation fairly recently but it was more along the lines that apparently tears contain some kind of chemical that turn men off. So if I ever cried, I used to tell my boyfriend not to smell my face.

  34. Having had countless similar “cell phone usage discussions” with my other half, I only wish our “discussions” had been half as witty as yours and Victors.

  35. your cat will TOTALLY sniff your eyeballs for you- mine do it all the time, creepy little bastages…

  36. They have to smell amazing because I’ve heard of eyeball soup. Who in the hell would eat eyeball soup, unless it smelled amazing!

  37. I want you to adopt me. That or smash a stick in my face. I’m a pinata. And I’m sure your eyeballs smell awesome.

  38. OMG! I nearly peed myself i laughed so hard! i’ve no idea what eyeballs would smell like..i’ve pretty much lost my sense of smell..

  39. I got married because he had great knives. But then his mother kept them. Thank you for giving me a good reason to stay together. Because obviously just being incredibly compatible and thinking he’s the coolest person I’ve ever met is not a good enough reason. Now I can ask him to smell my eyeballs.

  40. After reading this, I made my husband smell my eyeballs. He says they smell like nothing, and doesn’t get why I’m laughing so hard. I told him “It’s the same woman with the giant chicken” and his response was “huh”. Unenlightened fool!

  41. Hysterical.
    My dogs sniff my eyes. They MUST smell like something.
    Spongy eyeball treats. Mmm Mmm good snackin’.

  42. This is why I had a kid. Of course the kid is now 16. Her eyeballs smelled like make up. She sniffed mine and said they were not delicious. Damned kids.

  43. The eyeballs must smell delicious, its the first thing the cats will eat if you die with no one there to notice for several days. Not that I worry about that or anything.

  44. Oh! I see how this works (technology challenged). [My recent blog post called “My Ideal Job” is mainly about your job, and how you have it, not me. Please don’t hit me in the face with a stick.]

  45. “Eau de Yeux” has such a lovely cadence to it. Like something yodelers would wear. Or Nancy O’Dell and Adele. Or them yodeling a yodel about eux de yeux at a rodeo. Could you smell eyes over bullshit? That’s a question.

  46. I think eyes smell like formaldehyde like when they preserve bodies…you know, because that’s about the only time you’ll ever really smell them…if you were into that kind of thing.

    But now I’m going to have to go around asking.

  47. I remember very clearly what the sheep eyeball that I dissected in 8th grade smelled like, and it WASN’T formaldehyde! I don’t know that I could ever describe the smell, almost fishy (which would explain the cat interest), but so much more. I often find myself saying, “Hey, it smells like eyeballs in here!” and my husband just writes it off as my quirkiness. But its true! I smell that “eyeball” smell all the time!

  48. I am also told by the hubby that I’m on my phone too much. I will be using your dialogue as inspiration. Thank you!

  49. This is EXACTLY why there needs to be a reality show about you… or at least a documentary. At the very least, please pen a screenplay or a television script. NO, WAIT! A PODCAST!!!

  50. Do you know… I have had these very sorts of conversations with my husband. ^_^ He says he married a crazy person.

  51. My boyfriend and I have similar conversations, but he gets less horrified than Victor does. He just laughs at me. We drive about 5 hours each way to see his son every few weeks, so he has plenty of time to hear my madness. And my road rage, when I’m driving. Of course, he retaliates by saying “did you fart?” every time we go past the stinky cattle farm. Even if I am asleep and don’t want to wake up and smell the poo. Ain’t love grand?

  52. You’re still upset about the pink towels, aren’t you?

    But you did make a valid point: if he wants conversation, he needs to initiate it. If he wants your attention, he’d better think twice about how he asks for it.

  53. My husband likes to wake me up in the morning by asking random questions repeatedly. No good morning, or anything like that, just “Where is my blue shirt?” over and over again. I will wake him up tomorrow sniffing his eyeballs. So I’ll let you know what they smell like.

    In other unrelated news, my father enjoyed his introduction to Beyonce last night. Then again, he likes to take people by this concrete statuary place (with a 5 1/2 ft concrete rooster) in town saying “I’m going to show you the biggest cock in Tulsa”.

  54. Oh, and I smelled boyfriend’s eyeballs, they just smell like the skin around them. He won’t smell my eyeballs. I explained I was reading The Bloggess again, and he understood why I was acting strange 🙂

  55. I love the way your blog site is set up. I think its so easy to navigate, and I can tell exactly where a new post starts. And the colors are fun and make the whole page pop!

    This blog was hilarious! I can relate so well with you, my BF does the same thing and then doesnt realize what hes in for hahaha. Youre very witty and hilarious, I deff going to be following more.

  56. Hey, I just wrote about tears (eyeballs) and it turns out when men smell tears their testosterone goes down. What wimps. I totally think there is a weapon to be made out of tears…or at least a I-can-get-you-to-do-anything-i-want perfume.

  57. i, too, have oft been awoken by a cat peering at my closed eyes. samantha used to PAW at my closed eyes to wake me up. i always thought ‘oh, how cute! she knows my eyes open when i wake up, and she’s trying to wake me!’

    now i know better. she was trying to have a snack.

  58. I personally have never met anyone who said it smelled like unwashed hair in here. You know the strangest people, I swear! Congrats on your win, made even sweeter by the fact that you didn’t even know you were arguing. I love it when that happens!!

  59. Aw, I don’t get to have this argument with Alfred because we’re both terrible for having our phones glued to our (probably smelly) eyeballs. I guess we can have the argument with our son when he’s old enough to notice that we’re completely fucking ignoring him.

  60. I think it goes without saying that a lot of your readers are now going to add that to their future wedding vows.
    “…in sickness, and heath, and whenever you want me to smell your eyeballs…”

  61. OMG, I almost forgot… I was watching Phineas and Ferb with my son this morning and at one point in the show one of the kids yells out “Wolverines!” Like just out of the blue. It was in the Phineas and Ferb “movie.” I think you can get it on DVD at Walmart. It is close to the end.

  62. My husband uses drive time to lecture me. As in “you should clean more” or “Why aren’t you doing this” or “Why don’t you listen to me”… Apparently I need an IPhone? lol

    Needless to say, I try to keep lengthy car trips to the bare minimum, you’d be amazed at how much lecturing he can get in on a trip to the grocery store though!

  63. Um, isn’t Posey the suicidal looking one? So I think it’s more likely that your eyeballs smell like toxic gas or death or Hillary Clinton or something. That means every time you wake up and push Posey out of your face, you’re thwarting another one of his suicide attempts via eyeball sniffing. Basically you’re a hero. No big deal.

  64. I was thinking about this, because frankly I have that kind of time, and I realized that this is the kind of internal dialogue most women have going on at any given time. Men can’t compete with this. We’re thinking of three things at any given time: Sex, Beer or Sports…possibly beer sports or sex sports, or some other combination. We aren’t equipped to deal with this.

  65. Oh, that was a TOTAL win. You didn’t even have to try! Not only is it a win, but it’s a WINWIN. Those are rare, especially if you don’t know how to recognize them.

    It’s kind of like when you’re going somewhere with someone and you take separate cars. The other person might not know it, but you’re racing, especially of you end up winning. (If you don’t win, don’t mention it.) If you DO win, even if it’d because you ran a red light and a stop sign, barreled through a crosswalk and made a detour through someone’s yard, you have total and complete bragging rights. Use them.

    Now you’re going to race EVERYONE, even strangers who happen to be sitting next to you at a stop light. And you will feel AMAZING every time you win. I promise.

    I just made your day, and very possibly many days to come. You’re welcome.

    🙂

  66. Oh, that was a TOTAL win. You didn’t even have to try! Not only is it a win, but it’s a WINWIN. Those are rare, especially if you don’t know how to recognize them.

    It’s kind of like when you’re going somewhere with someone and you take separate cars. The other person might not know it, but you’re racing, especially of you end up winning. (If you don’t win, don’t mention it.) If you DO win, even if it’d because you ran a red light and a stop sign, barreled through a crosswalk and made a detour through someone’s yard, you have total and complete bragging rights. Use them.

    Now you’re going to race EVERYONE, even strangers who happen to be sitting next to you at a stop light. And you will feel AMAZING every time you win. I promise.

    I just made your day, and very possibly many days to come. You’re welcome.

    🙂

  67. This is why we have to close our eyes when we sleep… because what with morning breath and morning gas and morning wood, we do NOT need to add morning eye smell to the list.

  68. I tried smelling my children’s eyes, smell just like saline mostly. Not sure why that appeals to cats. Maybe they dig the salt. LOVED this post!

  69. This is so awesome! This is similar to 90% of the conversations I have with my husband. He keeps threatening to make a twitter account called “Shit My Wife Asks”. I can’t help that I am inherently curious and that I wonder about stuff he doesn’t. I mean, why wouldn’t someone want to know why gummi bears are bears and not monkeys or yaks…I would totally eat gummi yaks! And the ‘discussion’ of such almost always ends with him saying, “You’re right. You win.” Just to get me to shut up about it. Which works sometimes.

    Thanks for sharing and making my husband and I laugh! You totally win. And now I want to know what eyeballs smell like.

  70. For the record, I feel like your question was a perfectly logical one to ask. I mean, who hasn’t wondered if their eyeballs smell or not?

  71. I have never stopped to consider if an eye ball has any smell….now I am….damn I have to find someone to smell my eyeball!

  72. I am cracking up. That reminds me of the days when my nephew would ask me to smell his finger. I would dart in the other direction. I do wonder though about eyeballs and toenails.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  73. AHAHAHAHA. I freaking love you. I laughed through this entire post. How dare he not be considerate enough to smell your eyeballs?!

  74. You know… when I first stumbled upon this site a few months back I never really thought “you know, this Jenny person might actually be able to teach me something”. And even still I’m never really sure if I’m learning something new or just putting something away in the memory bank that I can throw back at my own unaware other half when I’m in the midst of putting up with his crap.

    Until today.

    Today when I read about smelling eyeballs something really spoke to me and as a result I opened a Google browser and typed in “what do eyeballs smell like?”. The result? A lot of people think their eyes smell like ass. But most importantly I now know that sneezes smell like honey and that a good way to tell if my kid has been smoking pot is if he/she starts taking a number of calls in private.

    And they say the internet is only good for porn.

  75. You never fail at this humor shit, do you? It’s kind of defeating, really. I try and try to be funny and write ONE GOOD LINE and, before I can even pat myself on my back, you are just whipping that funny-ha-ha out left and right. That’s it. I quit. I’ll have to switch to a political blog. Or, even better, a blog about cats. I do believe that there aren’t enough pet blogs in the world…

  76. Me: *giggling*
    My fiance: What?
    Me: The Bloggess. She had an awesome conversation with her husband in the car.
    My fiance: *raised eyebrow*
    Me: It started with her husband complaining that she never talks to him when he’s driving.
    My fiance: Oh no.
    Me: *laughing* I see that you’re familiar enough with the Bloggess to know that never ends well.

  77. I’m kind of jealous… this is what I get in the car:

    Me: *totally engrossed in my Kindle or phone*

    My husband: “Dani! Look!”

    Me: *looking up* “What?”

    Him: “Never mind,”

    5 minutes later:

    My husband: “Dani! Look!”

    Me: *looking up* “What?”

    Him: *huuuuge sigh* “Never mind…”

    Ad nauseum.

  78. –>After my Friday night, I think my eyeballs smelled like vodka but since vodka doesn’t smell it might have been the lemonade I mixed with it.

  79. I heart you so hard your honorable bloggess. Can I pretend that we are friends? I wont tell anyone. I just want to pretend for myself so we can talk in secret languages and build a tree house fort. But in my imagination.

  80. I so gotta try some of these topics with my husband! Although usually I’m the one wanting to talk and he’s the one sitting in silence wishing I’d shut up. Maybe if I talked about whether eyeballs smelled good or bad he’d actually want to talk. Or he could want to file for divorce. Either way, it could be interesting. 😀

  81. I once had this conversation with a girlfriend:

    Girlfriend: What are you thinking?

    Me: Nothing.

    Girlfriend: Of course you’re thinking *something*! It’s not like your mind is blank! I want to know what you’re thinking!

    Me: OK. I’m thinking about how Data says the date he graduated from Starfleet Academy in the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but a later episode gives a contradictory date for his graduation, and I’m trying to remember which episode that is.

    Girlfriend: …Oh.

    Me: When I say I’m thinking about *nothing*, what I mean is “nothing you’d find interesting.” Don’t ask questions if you’re not going to like the answers.

  82. You are a wackaloon. I mean that in the best sense, of course. You never fail to make laugh aloud, sometimes with a snort (pretty!) or possibly tears. You win AGAIN!

  83. I once gave my former boss a big jar of eyeballs for Christmas. Okay, they were plastic, but still I don’t know why it never occurred to me to open the jar and take a whiff. I’m just not awesome enough, I guess.

  84. My little dog smells my eyeballs so closely that I feel her mustache whiskers on my eyelids and somehow, whatever she smells tells her exactly when I need a snuggle.

  85. I always wondered that too. But mostly I wonder if noses have a smell or if they just smell of the things they have recently smelled.
    Once I for someone to smell my nose but it didn’t work, I suspect they didn’t even try. Some people just lack curiosity.

  86. I need to start talking in the car more.

    I tried to smell my son’s eyeballs, so that I could report back for you, but I think the eyeball smell was overwhelmed by the toddler boy smell. Or maybe the boy smell is actually eyeball smell. I DON’T KNOW. You’ve CONFUSED ME.

  87. I’m glad you won, but now I, too, am curious as to what eyeballs smell like. You’ll have to come up with a covert plan to trick him into smelling them so we all can know.

  88. OMG Just what I needed to read before work. Laughing at this. Hilarious! 🙂

    Didn’t think eyeballs had a smell….. but if they do, I am sure that you will let us know.

  89. I was just thinking today that all I do in the car is play on my phone! (we took a 5 hour drive in the mountains today, and my phone did not work the whole way, so shut up)
    Also totally stealing the phrase: That’s the danger of not giving me a topic. It’s really his fault.

  90. Today I said to my husband, “I’m just trying to make conversation, gosh.”

    His response: “well, you suck at it.”

    He can’t get me to shut up. Although he has complained about me being glued to my phone…

  91. I HAD to comment on this specifically because of the kitty-sniffing-eyeball implications.
    My cat insists on sniffing my eyeballs on an almost daily basis. I bet they DO smell awesome. I don’t think delicious, as she hasn’t tried to eat them yet.
    In any case, that must be proof that they smell!!

  92. The best fights to win are the ones where you don’t even know you’re fighting.

    Wait.

    I take that back.

    The best fights to win are all of them.

  93. Ooooo! Eyeball stories!

    I once had a lovely man from Laos politely suggest that I “taste” my cat’s eyeballs (he was rather baffled that I had a cat as a pet) because “they’re delicious.” I think he meant cat-eyes in general are delicious; not that he had any prior knowledge of my particular cat’s eyeball flavor. Disclaimer: this is not a generalization about the taste preferences of people from Laos. Note: I did not taste her (my cat’s) eyes, but not for lack of trying.

  94. This is similar to the conversation I had with the fuzz when I got pulled over for looking at/typing on my phone while driving (which is illegal in Georgia), but substitute “fuck you, pig!” for “smell my eyeballs.”

  95. I’m wondering if my contacts would sort of hold in the smell of my eyeballs. And if they do, then when I remove them is there like a mushroom cloud of eyeball smell in the bathroom? I haven’t noticed it, but I’m going to try and pay better attention tonight.

  96. Ha! I’m getting married in T-minus 2 months; keep these posts coming! I need this kind of tutelage to keep him guessing 🙂 Victor is a very lucky (albeit perpetually confused) man. 🙂

  97. Also, I once licked an eyeball. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, but I hear it’s much more interesting for the receiver than the giver.

  98. I super wish you and Victor would adopt me and my husband, just so we could hear these conversations and witness the insanity firsthand.

    Seriously, thanks for making me laugh tonight, Jenny. I really, really needed it. <3

  99. I guess I will think twice before I ask my hubby to talk to me while I drive.

    I laughed so hard though because this totally sounds like a conversation that I would have

  100. You . Are. So. Freaking. Funny.

    My family knows every time I’m reading your blog because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…it’s always “Are you reading the chicken lady blog again?” And all I can do is nod and wipe my eyes. You make my day probably more often than not! And BTW, I have acquired two! Beyonces SO FAR…..

  101. So my cats have always been eyeball sniffers. In fact, I just figured cats smell eyeballs like dogs smell butts. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul… so, one may conclude that cats are soul sniffers. Or maybe they just want to eat your eyeballs, but get confused with the lids making them disappear and all.

  102. Right now I am in shit up to my eyeballs (I am sorry, that was so not intended). Anyway, your blog makes me laugh at a time I really need to laugh. Thank you for that.

  103. lmfao

    My Dad has a glass eye, and in high school he used to take it out and hide it in his friends’ lunches, usually in the mashed potatoes, but sometimes in yogurt, a drink, anything really. So his eye had a wide variety of smells, depending on what the cafeteria was serving that day. I think that’s why his dog liked his so much; he’d get leftovers out of my dad’s eye socket every day when Dad came home from school.

  104. Freaking Genius!!!

    One day Victor should thank you for keeping him young or something like that 🙂

    Thanks for all the laughs!!

  105. Wow. I’m totally in love with you now. And I would smell your eyeballs for you in a SECOND, if you asked me, ’cause my boyfriend doesn’t understand my thought processes either.

  106. One time, an ex and I were talking about what it would be like to lick an eye ball and he dared me to do it and I dared him to do it and you can see where this story is headed. So while I cant tell you what eyeballs *smell* like, I can certainly tell you what they taste like – a dish sponge soaked with saltwater.

  107. I think this is part of your continuing effort to be an even bigger viral hit. How can I NOT tell my friends about this for the sole purpose of being able to share a running “Smell my eyeballs” joke with them?

    See? I’m on to you! And trust me, I have my smelly eye on you.

  108. This sparked a very interesting conversation between my fiance and I. I went from smelling his eyeballs and concluding that they really don’t have much of a smell (except maybe like saline), to having a debate as to what the melting point of brains is. And then on to the melting point of nipples.

    Thank you for making my conversations so much more interesting. Also, if you Google, “What is the melting point of the human brain?”, you’ll get somewhere around 2 million hits and the first 2 pages are full of legit links. I can’t say the same for the melting point of nipples. No one seems to care that much about melting nipples. I intend to research these topics further.

  109. You Know that Victor has quietly started a worldwide empire of eyeball deodorant and completely cut you out?

  110. Victor, Victor, Victor…. Just accept the fact that you are TRULY the luckiest man on the planet in that you will never EVER have to have a bored moment. Truly a blessing.

  111. I kinda feel for Victor, but that’s like turning out for a cage match wearing oven mitts.

    My cats used to do that too, first thing in the morning. I thought they were just *helping* me wake up, you know, ’cause kibble doesn’t pour itself. Maybe it was my eyeballs. I hope I don’t dream about it.

    And now I’m wondering how many people will find themselves staring into the nostrils of loved ones because of your post.

  112. When I torture my husband with these kinds of conversations he closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. I live for the forehead rub. When he does it I know that I am still interesting! (and at least to me, funny).

  113. NEW CARD FOR YOUR SHOP:
    “You’re like a magnificent pinata filled with such beauty,
    and all I want to do is just smash your in the face with a stick.”

  114. Mum and I are sitting in our room in Vegas, winding down for the night when I notice the new post. I laughed so hard while reading it my mum asked what I was reading. I said to her, ” Remember Beyonce the chicken post I sent you? Same lady, new post.”. So I read it to her best I could through the fits of giggles and tears streaming down my face. I am proud to report that my mother ALMOST shot Pina Colada out her nose. Well done Bloggess, well done!

  115. That’s it! I can not read you in the middle of the night anymore!! If I wake my family up one more time with fits of hysterical laughter, followed by details of your and Victor’s “arguments”that they truly have no desire of hearing because they obviously don’t have any idea of what funny really is, they are going to do me in and burry me in a shallow grave out back.

    Oh, this is too good not to share.

    Send for back up if you don’t hear back from me.

  116. I’ve got to ask. When you go on a family outing do your kids act up in the back seat.
    He’s touching me?
    Am not?
    Yes your are?
    That kind of acting up.
    Or do they sit quietly, hand in laps, amazed at the conversation going on between you and Victor?
    I think traveling in your car would be delightful. Although maybe you have to be an adult to appreciate it!
    In my opinion a victory is a victory!

  117. This is exactly how my blog came to exist! I am a very quiet passenger, but we had a long drive, so I decided I would just take that stream of consciousness and share every word of it. It was a very entertaining drive. For me, anyway.

  118. It makes sense that eyeballs smell quite strongly, that’s probably why they’re situated just above the nose instead of just below it….

  119. Eyeballs don’t have much odor (at least when not in the socket). They go thud and flatten when rolling off a table. (So you don’t think I’m too odd or a serial killer) I know this cause I dated a neuro-opthamology doctoral student while in nursing school and these questions came up over dinner once. The Health Sciences Center was a strange place to be in 19xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  120. I tried getting my husband to smell my eyeballs. You have a valid point that cats tend to sniff eyeballs; there simply must be an odor! My dog that is a little special likes to sniff eyeballs, too. Anyways, my husband insists that eyeballs absolutely do not have a fragrance unless they are decomposing.

  121. My cat loves sniffing my eyeballs at 3 am. Of course, she also loves to eat thumbtacks, so I don’t know if she’s the best source for eyeball aroma information…

  122. I’ve never been married so I have never been divorced, but surely there is a place on some form to check off “won’t smell my eye balls.”

  123. Haha. This thread made me smell my three year old’s eyeball and he looked at me funny and then proceeded to ask me something totally unrelated. Probably about preschool or Power Rangers or something like that.

  124. My daughter just had pink eye and her eyeballs smelled like week-old cheese left on the dashboard of a car in 90 degree heat.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

  125. “Well, that’s the danger of not giving me a topic.” Oh. My. Freaking. God. You are awesome imbued!!!!! I laughed so hard, I cried. Then I emailed it to my husband downstairs, who said he laughed but didn’t cry.

    We have the reverse problem. I talk. He doesn’t. I give him headaches. He goes out to take it out on the lawn. Ah, marriage.

    Chelle

  126. okay here’s what you do. You have to get victor to smell some animals eyeball…but don’t let him know that that is actually what he’s smelling…like don’t people eat goat eyeball’s or some shit like that? Anywho, get him to smell that, catch him in the act, and start arguing about how he’s cheating on you with the goat eyeball and how that was NOT in the vows…and you’ve just won every argument for the next 7 months. boom.

  127. Thank you for being awesome. Thank you for sharing these lovely stories to make being back at work far more bearable – and even making me a distraction because I am laughing too loud (it is good for them – these people need to loosen up a bit). And thank you for giving me a little insight to what it might look like if I ever get married.
    Much love,
    B

  128. OMG, my cats are obsessed with smelling my eyeballs. I thought it was weird, but I think you’re onto something…

    PS – you rock!

  129. *sniffs eyeballs*

    Yep, that explains it…

    My cat is always snufflin’ about my eyes when I let him get within paw’s reach.

    Bacon.

    Your eyeballs smell like bacon.

  130. My eyeballs have a very specific smell, and I can tell when the smell different than they usually do. It’s easy. Just rub your eyes with clean hands, and then smell your hands! Use unscented soap when washing your hands.

  131. Marriage is just a cornucopia of aromas that get worse over time. One of the few blessings about becoming an ancient one is that you lose most of your ability to smell. And that explains why LOL’s all smell like they’ve fallen into a vat of lavender cologne.

    They can’t smell themselves.

  132. I asked my wife if I could sniff her eyeballs just after I told her I wanted to smash her in the face with a stick. She’s taken out a restraining order. Thanks.

  133. You two are simply amazing. Seriously. I think I want to be you when I grow up. Assuming I ever really get around to growing up.

    Also, I bet eyeballs smell a little bit salty. Like the taste of tears.

  134. this is the exact opposite of a hollow victory. This is like the gold medal round of the 100M dash in the olympics. Only probably with more doping. And if I get fired for howling out loud in my office, can I come live with you?! 😀

  135. Clearly you are a twisted individual – in a good way. And I SO respect that. Thanks for making me laugh during an otherwise torturous day.

  136. This post is a great example of a marriage that works. My hubby and I have similar conversations, usually where I ask him wacky questions and he gives me funny answers. I’m pretty sure eyeballs don’t smell unless they’re decaying and then EW. I hope you and Victor send yourself into peels of laughter on a daily basis like we do. Hubby video’d me trying to open a bag of cereal (a challenge indeed) and going into a laughing jag. He plays it to cheer himself up and then plays it for me to get me laughing again. I’m an idiot and you’re too cool for school.

  137. When I read your blog I think of my friend Erica. You both have the same sense of humor. I really think y’all are long lost sisters.

  138. I once dissected a sheep’s eye in junior eye. That smelled like formaldehyde. Does that count? Oh, and my cat’s breath smells like cat food.

    Damn, I totally understand wanting to smash somebody in the face when they’re bursting with untapped potential and energy. And I’m always on my phone. Oh, and I also sometimes ride in the car while someone else is writing.

    We have SO much in common, Jenny. Can I stalk you?

  139. My brother used to have a teacher who had a glass eye. Whenever he had to leave the class unattended he would pop it out and place it on his desk facing them, saying “Behave now, I’ve got my eye on you.” I guess it probably smelled like whatever they use to clean desks.

  140. I see a common theme on your comments that everyone wants to stalk/be you. So I don’t feel nearly as creepy because I know I am in good company.

    That being said- with all the twitter talk of fires i have come to realize we live within at least 3 hours of eachother if not less. And I am going to go out on a limb and say there are probably more that live within that general geographic space, so we should all get together and have a party. The socially awkward social event of the year. Sounds like a winner to me =]

  141. You are seriously one of my new all time favorite blogs! I love how you write and the things you say crack me up! Thanks for always being the bright spot in my day.

  142. When my husband says that, I start talking about shoes. Or my period. Or my friend’s period. But eyeballs? I’ll have to try that.

  143. This is fucking hilarious! And seriously tempts me to ask a random stranger to smell my eyeballs… You are a horrible role-model, and I love you for that.

  144. Victor really should talk to my hubby. He could have been properly warned not to poke around in our brain-pans.

    The last time hubby prompted me to share what I was thinking I told him I wondered why there were no combination gynecologists/bikini waxers. It seems obvious to me that if you already have your legs up in the air for the world to see, you can kill two birds with one stone….and reduce the number of people seeing your unmentionables.

    The look he gave me implied he thought I was crazy-brilliant…..or more likely just touched in the head, now that I think about it.

  145. “Eyeballs smell like a combination of acetic acid and the ocean. Unless you’re pickling eggs on the beach for a living, I dunno how often something is gonna smell like eyeballs.” -My friend, Sweeney.

  146. According to my fiancee, they smell like skin.

    He’s also sorta freaked out by me demanding he smell my eyeballs.

  147. Lindsay, it sounds great, but I have tgo admit that I’d feel awkward tipping my gynecologist.

  148. being a widow and all, i really miss those kinds of conversations. my late hatband, Ziggy of Ziggy’s Joke O’the Day was a master at the “are you daft or is this the new normal” eyebrow elevation. If you ever need to throw Victor out…he could easily be humored here. One weekend with us and he’ll run screaming back to smell your eyeballs!

  149. Hah! I am so stealing this concept for the next time my husband complains that I am on my phone, in the car. Seriously, don’t tell me to talk to you, but have nothing to talk about! (Or worse yet, hardly any response to what I am saying). Love this. And as we speak…I think my cat might be smelling my eyeballs! Mine might not smell good, as they are myopic.

  150. I just figured out how to win a war!! I was explaining this post to my husband (who has no appreciation for it) and explained further about the chemicals in womens tears that lower men’s testosterone. He asked what testosterone had to do with anything and I said that since it’s the man hormone (manmone) that if it goes down you are less man-grrrr. And then it hit me! To win a war, line up a bunch of crying women on the front lines. All of the men will experience significant drops in their manmones! See?? Women are the answer to stopping war!

  151. Thank you for making me laugh out loud! Did you smell his eyeball? I wonder if men’s smell different than women’s? hmmm

  152. What kind of husband won’t sniff your eyeballs??? This is — I know for a fact that this is included in the “in sickness and in health” bit of the vows. How will he know when your eyeball health is failing if he hasn’t sniffed them when they’re well? Seriously. Some people are so selfish.

  153. There you go again, wasting your husband’s hard earned money on eyeballs and smelling. It’s shit like this that causes hurricanes and keeps Bert on Project Runway. And? It smells like ass in here.

  154. This is hysterical! I laughed so hard, I ended up having to read it (edited) to my kids cause they (naturally) wanted to know what was making me laugh so hard I was crying. Oh Jenny. I love you. PLUS I got a job interview! It’s down to me & one other person. They’re checking references now. Yay! Only 9 months out of work. But whatever. I may get to go back to Alaska soon!!!!!!

  155. i really need to keep an inhaler in the computer room because this post (and to be honest, many others) gave me an asthma attack from laughing.

  156. I LOVE IT!!!! I have the same conversations with my husband. He just shakes his head.. I also have the most random dreams and when I tell him, He just shakes his head. I love it.

  157. OH…MY…”Goodness” (can you tell I survive in a politically-correct arena??)!!! I am CRYING here!!!! But think.. do you think… if an “everyday” guy read this…what would be the percentage of those males that actually understood “Point of Beginning…Point A…Point B…back to Point A ..again to Point B and then on to the Finale! Loved it! I need to share this with my daughter and daughter in law.

  158. Cats all covet our eyeballs. I can hear my cats plotting my demise all the time, just in the hopes that I will eventually succumb to their dastadly plots and murder attempts, so they can snack on my delicious eyeballs. That’s why they hide in dark places and jump out at you! They are secretly hoping we will have massive coronaries, and they can savor their delicacies. Lunatic felines!

  159. I really think you might be the key to getting me through another murder free school year! I’m in the staff room howling with laughter. I’m sure the kids in the hallway can hear me. Hahahahaha! Btw – I would so do something like that to my husband.

  160. JENNNNNYYYYY (I bet you never get old of that) (That probably didn’t really translate well – you have to say it in the Forest Gump voice) (Are you tired of it now?)

    Seriously though, I was JUST thinking about body parts the other day – as in – you’re an ass, you’re a dick, you’re a boob. Who decided that asses, dicks and boobs are the worst body parts? I can live with a pain in my ass…but a pain in my wrist? HOW WILL I EVER LOG INTO TWITTER AGAIN? Much worse, in my opinion.

    From this moment on I’ve decided that the worst body parts are ears and second are wrists. Because ears have holes and wrists don’t and calling someone an earhole makes more sense than calling someone a wristhole (wrists don’t have holes). “Only offensive to earholes” should be your new tagline.

    Am I drunk?

  161. This is totally a conversation my husband and I would have in the car…but he plays along with my crazy. However, I would like to caution you that Posey may not be smelling your eyeballs so much as trying to steal your breath as in the classic Stephen King movie short, “The Cat’s Eye” or rather trying to protect you from the tiny, evil troll who lives behind the skirting in your bedroom.

  162. You are every kind of awesome. It always makes my day to read your posts.

    Ya know, my husband sometimes offers to lick my eyeballs for me. I think it’s because he likes the horrified look that follows the offer.

  163. My stepdad used to work with the Arkansas Eye Bank. Harvesting the eyes of deceased organ donors. I came home bany times to eyes in the fridge. It was gross, but I dont recall a particular smell. So yeah, humans are probably immune to the smell.

  164. So last night, our 5 year old was sad and she told daddy it was because she couldn’t smell her eyeballs. Where the hell did that come from? If she could read and happened to look over my shoulder when I’d read this, it would make sense.

  165. been devising new ways to weird out coworkers and the next one will be using “it smells like eyeballs in here.” or some variation of it at some point. I thank you. I send you creepy mind hugs to you because I’m too poor to pay you royalties.

  166. I always forward your cat posts to my friend Ellie because she sends me cute and fuzzy kitty stuff all the time, to which I reply, “Gee, thanks. I luhhvvvvv cute and fuzzy kitty stuff.” But she knows I don’t, so she sends more. Really, the only cat stuff online that makes me laugh is your cat stuff. Like This. I love you, man.

  167. I just found this blog and can I just say I DIE! Between the eyeball smelling and the 5 foot metal chicken, I am suprised I haven’t peed myself yet. You are hysterical and your marriage sounds like pure love and fun! Keep it all coming, I can’t wait to check back in for a good laugh!

  168. Can I please just tell you that my dogs ALWAYS smell my eyeballs?! The one prefers smelling eyeballs to giving kisses. And sometimes they kiss my eyeballs. So they must smell delicious.

  169. It took me about 10minutes to read that because I had to keep stopping and wiping the tears of laughter away so I could continue…HYSTERICAL!!!

  170. I never comment b/c I’m not funny, but I always laugh and want to tell you I love you. In a good way. 🙂

  171. cant breath. This is Priceless. I was laughing so hard I had to force myself to stop so I could take a breath before continuing to read.

  172. I have no idea what my own eyeballs smell like either.

    But I CAN tell you that my boyfriends left and right eyeball taste different. Which is kind of weird don’t you think? I think there is a serious lack of research into eyeball taste.

    Go on. Try licking Victor’s. It’s probably easier if you surprise him, but he’ll thank you later.

  173. Eyeballs do smell! If you do laser surgery on them, they smell like just like burnt hair. Yes, I have smelled (smelt?) my own eyeballs BURNING.

  174. If you even see this comment in all your (currently) 304 comments, I’m honored. But I HAD to tell you this: Yesterday, my nearly four year old grandson went right up to my daughter and said “Smell my eyeballs”. He and my daughter have never heard of you or your blog. But I immediately cracked up and told them about reading this post. So, you are not alone. And you have the mind of a three year old. I mean that in the nicest possible way – really, I do! Hilarious!

  175. Dear Bloggess,
    A friend just introduced me to you. You are fucking hilarious.
    And I TOTALLY blame you for the reason that I have been 100% impeded from getting to work this morning.
    Damn you, Bloggess. And keep it coming.
    I will be your love slave forever,
    Shelley

  176. Don’t know about smell – but my cat has woken me up the last two nights by licking my eyelids.

    She also drinks from the toilet and eats the dogs food so there could be bigger issues.

  177. Oh dear God… this is F*ing awesome. And so, so true of marriage. If Victor ever angrily divorces you over Beyonce or Copernicus or any other crazy hysterical thing you bring home or do, I would so marry you. I’m not a lesbian, I just think you’re awesome. Keep on rockin’ it! 🙂

  178. Jenny,
    I never know quite what to say other than-you are awesome. I’ve never wondered about it. But now I am determined to find out if my eyeballs smell…

  179. i ask my husband to smell things all the time. he pretends he can’t hear me. i know i’ve implanted a though and he’s going to smell them while i’m sleeping. creep.

  180. Just read this blog. I turned to my husband and said”Do my eyeballs smell?” He: WHAT? I said innocently again, “do my eyeballs smell?” He: What the hell kind of question is that? He turned to me and actually sniffed my eyeball. He thought he was finished until I said, “wait, what about the other one?” He: looks at me as if I have gone completely insane but DOES smell my other eyeball. Mission Accomplished.

  181. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thinks like you, although I *will* have to smell my husband’s eyes tonight. I’ll tell him why. He’ll just laugh. He married me because of who I am. It’s all good.

  182. Ok so I just gotta say that between this one and the Chicken post i about peed my pants in my office and now my co-workers are walking round wondering why I’m crying with a mascara stained face and wet pants, THANKS A LOT!! (addicted, thanks! 🙂

  183. I am an “inside” laugher. I’m not one of those chuckling, loud, have to make a sound kind of laughers. I’m not sure why, but I just don’t laugh out loud. I’m 44 and I’ve rarely laughed out loud. THIS made me laugh out loud. I’m being serious. I’m sitting alone in my home office laughing out loud. I’ve scared my 2 dogs – they have no idea what this sound is that I’ve just made. Where have you been all my life – I can’t believe I found you only yesterday. I’ve got lots of reading to do….I can’t wait!

  184. I would be willing to smell your eyeballs for you… because that’s what friends do. Or serial killers… who chop up body parts and store them in the deep-freeze. But I’m totally not a serial killer. Trust me on that. Bahaha!

  185. You make me cry. In a good way. Thank you so much for the random crap because I laugh so hard it hurts! 🙂

  186. As I was reading this my husband was setting up his new computer. The more I read, the more I laughed. The longer his computer took, the more frustrated he got. Finally, I was laughing so hard I had tears. He took his computer and left the room, stating there was too much happiness coming from my end of the couch!!!!

  187. I could not stop laughing I called 3 friends around the country and I am now your new fan and will definitely be following you regularly. You are freakin Hilarious.!!!

  188. I’m a total stranger to you but that seriously is probably one of the most awesomest conversations I have ever read. Silly but somehow thought-provoking…and funny!

  189. OMG I am cracking up at work (with our no personal internet usage rule – where I am totally going to get busted and fired)!!! I now totally believe that when I wake up because my cat has licked my eyelid is because THEY DO SMELL DELICIOUS!!! And yes that is EXACTLY why we get married!
    ? Shia

  190. I used to have two cats and I’d frequently wake up to find them them standing at my head staring at me. I’d then have to inform them that I wasn’t dead yet and they couldn’t eat my eyeballs. Just so they knew.

  191. This is how I know my hubs loves me… I asked him to smell my eyeball and he did it! He wanted me to let you know that they smell like a combo of “nothing” and soap. But he thinks the soap smell was just my makeup. So his official conclusion was that eyeballs smell like nothing.

  192. OMG! That was hysterical!!! Like the old saying goes….careful what you ask for, you might just get it….

  193. This post, as most of your are, is full of such awesomeness! That conversation was fantastic! I love how your mind works.

  194. I forgot to add…I sometimes wake to find my fat cat licking my eyeballs. He could be trying to eat my eyelashes. It could be my makeup. However, I love your theory that your eyeballs smell delicious so that’s what I’m goin with. Mine must too. :0)

  195. I happened to walk into the room this afternoon and “Mad Bout You” was on TV. Just as I sat down, Paul says to Jamie “Smell my eye.” It’s right there in Season 1, Episode 4. And this post was the first thing I thought of when I heard that line.
    You’re apprently not the only one who’s curious about this.

  196. They _have_ to smell. I refuse to live in a world where they don’t. I think however, that the odor changes depending on the situation. For example when I got dumped by my prom date, three days before prom, my eyeballs smelled of bitter tears. Today they’re more of a “why am I so awesome” fragrance.

  197. was there a point to this Or are you just a crazy. I’ve heard more coherent conversations from homeless crack heads.

  198. Since I think cats are evil and have superpowers that they never use for good, I agree they can smell eyeballs. And, evil creatures that they are, I would not be surprised if they eat eyeballs.

  199. OMG, I can’t breathe and I’m crying because I’m laughing so hard. You are one funny lady!

  200. Proof once again that men should not interrupt while wife using beloved iPhone.

    DH asks why I am laughing, so I read him part of this post. He gives me a strange look (are you high right now?) so I read him the end. (You know what? You win. Go back to your phone.) ge rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

  201. I just asked my husband to smell my eyeballs and he said There’s no fucking way I’m smelling your eyeballs, Heather. He just linked your blog to me today so I thought he would go for it. No dice.

  202. Of course eyeballs smell – oh Victor how can you be so doubting. My dog is forever smelling my eyeballs – its like her reminder to me that I forgot to wash them in the shower that morning.

  203. Thanks for your marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you might be
    a great author. I will be sure to bookmark your
    blog and definitely will come back someday. I want to encourage one to
    continue your great writing, have a nice afternoon!

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