Conversation with Victor in the car…
Victor: You never talk to me while I’m driving. You just play on your phone.
me: Oh. I was just thinking that my friend M.is amazing, but she can’t see anything other than her flaws. I wish I could make her see all the awesomeness inside of her. She’s like a magnificent pinata filled with such beauty, and all I want to do is just smash her in the face with a stick.
Victor: What the f-?
me: But in a good way.
Victor: It’s amazing that Hallmark hasn’t called you yet.
me: I know. They don’t have nearly enough cards about pinatas. Hey, do my eyeballs smell?
Victor: Are you high right now?
me: No, I’m serious. If I said “It smells like ass in here” you’d know what I mean. Same thing with armpits, and earwax, and feet, and unwashed hair, but you never hear people saying “something smells like eyeballs in here”. I wonder if humans are immune to the smell of eyeballs.
Victor: This is not even close to what I had in mind when I asked you to talk to me.
me: Well, that’s the danger of not giving me a topic. I bet cats can smell eyes. That’s probably why when I wake up sometimes Posey’s face is like an inch from mine, and he’s staring right at my eyeballs. They probably smell awesome.
Victor: Or terrible.
me: I bet they smell delicious.
me: Smell my eyeballs.
Victor: I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.
me: Well, now I’m all curious. I can’t smell my own eyeballs, dude. This exactly why I got married.
Victor: You got married so you’d have someone to smell your eyeballs?
me: Well, not specifically. I mean, it wasn’t in the vows. But it was implied.
Victor: You know what? I take it back. Please, please go back to your phone. You win.
me: Really? I didn’t even know we were fighting. My God, I’m good at this.