Be kind. Or be cut. It’s really up to you.

A friend of mine was being hassled by assholes, so I made him this card.  It’s a quote by Plato.  But updated for our times:

"Dedicated to making the world less stabby." (That was me. Not Plato. Although he might have said it too. The man was wordy as hell.)

*****

In unrelated news, it’s Sunday!  Which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my sweet friend, Jenna McCarthy, who is not Jenny McCarthy.  She’s awesome and has the best book trailer ever.  She’ll be on the Today Show tomorrow.   Her book, If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon, comes out the next day.  Then on Wednesday she cures cancer.  I made up that last one but it seemed legit.  

104 thoughts on “Be kind. Or be cut. It’s really up to you.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. A Beyonce shirt without cursing? It’s like a day without sunshine. Or complete darkness. Or fog. Or rain…

    ~EdT.

  2. How’s about:

    Be careful who’s toes you step on
    on the way up
    because they’ll be attached
    to the ass you have to kiss
    on the way back down
    -Me

  3. Tgis is the second time this weekend I have been on your site when there were les than ten comments posted. So I clearly need to take a surfing hiatus and stop ignoring my children! At least until I can think of funnier comments.

  4. Haha my 2.5 year old watched the cat video with me and asked why the owl was saying “no”… Guess I’d better work with her on recognizing her animals.

  5. Hmmm. I think I need some of those cards.

    On an unrelated note, I sent my nephew a link to your “Booby Mushroom” post so that he’d have something to occupy him during church today (he’s 27, so it’s not like I’m corrupting a child or anything). Anyway, you now have a new follower and I’m going to hell for sure. Love you!

  6. I think Plato actually said, “Dedicated to making the world less flabby,” since the man was ripped like an eighteenth-century bodice.

    Seriously, the dude had a major six-pack. Or sex-pack, as they used to say!

  7. That last category… each one… more than ‘kind of’ awesome…LOL. And those guys pissing rainbows… penis envy now, too.

  8. Is anyone else as disturbed as I am regarding the variety of ice dildos that man had in his freezer? But then, as he says, “Spice is the variety of life.”

  9. KARA! I thought the same thing!

    Really? “Spice” is the “variety” of life?

    I am thanking God right now he never showed his face. After that brownish sink and his creepy-man-in-the-back-of-the-bus narrative…I think I’m gonna pass on his craftiness.

    My right eye is burning. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of reaction or not.

  10. Ugh. Spice is the variety…well, “when your wrong, your wrong”, right?

    Book banning sounds like bullying to me. “Fine, upstanding” books trying to weed out the odd ones. This looks like a job for Wonder Woman!

  11. Regarding the reading list — can I suggest The Fresco, by Sheri Tepper? Anything by her is awesome, but that one changed the way I related to religion. Also, it’s funny as hell. And deeply wrong.

  12. Oh crap, I’m screwed. With my attitude I’m just one snarky comment away from being shanked like a narc in the prison yard.

  13. So glad you are on pinterest! Just clicked Follow. I want to read your blog after my hysterectomy but I’m afraid it will cause me a great deal of pain.

  14. “and some will make your stomach hurt, and some will make your heart soar, and some will make you furiously angry about things you never imagined existed. And some books … the very best ones … will set you free.”
    That is one of the best things I have read in a very long time. I need it made into a poster right STAT now!

  15. Paraphrasing is a beautiful and delicate art…maybe Plato said it, maybe he didn’t…we may never know. But let’s agree that it’s a sentiment worthy of him…

  16. I want “Be kind, or be stabbed” on a t-shirt. That said, would it get me into awkward positions with security? And I definitely wouldn’t be able to wear it in the airport. But PMS week, all bets are off.

  17. This made me remember the time that my husband and I were camping and it got so cold during the night that the dog’s water bowl was frozen solid the next morning and in hindsight I really wished that I would have put that tampon under my armpit for a minute or two.

  18. I have around $250 worth of yarn and more projects started with it all than I can count on two hands, but yet I’m not depressed about any of that because you always make me smile if not laugh so hard I cry. I don’t have anything really witty to say. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you, Jenny. 🙂

  19. Why can’t my man make me some ice dildos in a dirty ass sink like that? My man is nothing! Oh, well perhaps this is why I don’t have a man but I do have a clean sink.

  20. Jenny,

    Are you now working for the CIA and Facebook?

    Because my son was telling me about that quote YESTERDAY.

    And I know he does not read thebloggess.

    So, ethically, and to meet your FTC no-secret-douches disclosure requirements, fees up.

    What secret agencies are you working for? And are there chickens involved? Or Zuckerbergs?

    Bill

  21. Is your friend from Texas? Because I thought down there it’s a given that everyone’s carrying a weapon, and not just knives, but firearms. He shouldn’t have to warn his tormentors, but maybe they’re too dumb to realize he could become stabby and/or shooty at any moment.

    These guys obviously don’t have the intellect to understand and appreciate Plato, so I think you’re wasting your time. What you should do is just inform them that they’re messing with a friend of The Bloggess–she of countless internet minions who could collectively devise a plot so nefarious that… well, just reading some of the comments, you get the idea. And that’s not to mention the typhoid infested cobras and angry, collarless rattlesnakes that might turn up in their mailboxes.

    These guys have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into.

  22. So far, i’ve been to see Wonder Woman (earlier this week) and just checked out the ‘Christmas Story’…when he said “make sure you wet it so it doesn’t stick” my husband called out “yeah, buddy!” Wiser words were never spoken.

  23. seriously people, the whole “let me write a 1-sentence comment on the post and then pimp my latest blog update” is terrifically annoying. It’s just awful. I wish i could say this in a more witty, or even more snarky, way, but the whole ‘push your blog’ in the comments thing is just so dispiriting.

  24. and this is why I bake and snark. so I don’t stab people. anyone watch tonights family guy? because brians nightmare is what the inside of my head looks like.

  25. Some people do carry weapons. And they will shoot you if you take their parking space. I’m not talking about myself, of course :). So the card is funny and sad at the same time….

  26. This is the best life advice I’ve ever gotten from anyone. It’s going to save my life some day. I’ll be all “You know what dude?!” and then that will show up in my mind’s eye and I’ll be like “…NEVERMIND.”

  27. I’ve never commented on one of your posts, and I’m willing to bet you’ll never see this one. I’m one of those readers who lurks silently in the corner like Copernicus, waiting for my opportunity. This is my “share my 3AM pearl of wisdom like an insomniac with nothing better to do” moment.

    Your card puts a humorous twist on an issue I try to bear in mind everyday. Whether I’m interacting with family, friends, or complete strangers it doesn’t matter. There’s every chance that I have no idea what their inner struggle is. Whether it’s a horrible day, week, month, or year they’re having, I could end up being the horrible icing on their cupcake, the cherry on their fucked up sundae of “are you serious, life?”

    When I’m having those sorts of days, you never fail to make me smile. It doesn’t matter if you’re expounding upon the latest adventures of Beyonce or attempting to describe the horror of living with RA in a pain filled attempt at apologizing for a post mostly devoid of humor. You are flat out hilarious, and at the same time completely mindblowing. You distract us all with your taxidermy adventures and then out comes the human we sometimes forget is sitting on the other side of the computer monitor. You make me THINK, Jenny, and that is a gift. So few things on the internet (it seems anyway) contain anything that requires intellect. Witnessing verbal diarrhea spewed by thirteen year olds with inferiority complexes with such gems as “you should go kill yourself you arrogant noob” makes me weep inside for humanity. Then comes the island of The Bloggess, for my daily dose of antidote for the poison that is the darker side of life.

    If I sound like a totally creepy fan, I get it. Sorry about that. You’re sort of my role model, so it’s not as if I can come up with anything bad to say to make it sound like I have some perspective on you. Plus our relationship extends as far as me lurking around your blog with you totally unaware of my existence. Please, never stop writing. You make me have faith in the world again.

    Sincerely,

    The Creepy Lurker
    (Who you’re now gonna block in fear for your life)

  28. I swear to goodness that not 5 minutes ago I posted my fb status as “Hate editing so very much. Feeling very stabby” after a long night of technical editing homework. I decided right after to check on your blog for any fun updates to cheer me up and you have that card! I love you even more than I did before! Now I think I need to go to bed before I explode with thoughts of how fateful that coincidence was.

  29. The Ice Dildo was of course the high and low of my week on the Internets. I am still too terrified to watch the video. Might save that for Wednesday…

  30. The rattlesnake shit was the BEST of the week…this weekend was pretty awesome and I treid not to start shit…you know out of good feelings and shit, but umm I got punched by a woman I didn’t know, encouraged public unrinaton and promoted teft. 🙂 Like I said…I tried.

  31. Plato never said “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”. Let me steal from Wikiquote:

    Attributed to Plato in No Ordinary Moments: A Peaceful Warrior’s Guide to Daily Life (1992) by Dan Millman. It has also been wrongly attributed to Philo. It is a variant of the Christmas message “Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle,” written by the Scottish preacher Ian Maclaren (also known as John Watson) in 1897.
    Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle. Plato? Philo of Alexandria?

  32. Yes, t-shirt! I even went on your store to look and see if you had already created one.

  33. The NoNoNo Cat made my dog howl. I’m so mean I played the video twice just to see how long he’d keep it up. That gave me the giggle/snorts.

  34. Be kind. Now THAT is something I would support posting in public buildings, in lieu of the 10 commandments. It’s PC, it’s nondenominational, and it has less words.

  35. Can I do a book recommendation here for your daughter’s list? There’s an amazing teen series called Bloody Jack, with no vampires at all. It’s a young girl around 1800 who dresses as a boy and gets herself hired as a ship’s boy in the British Navy. The whole series of books feature this mercenary, headstrong, loudmouthed, girl with ethics that vary depending on what she can get out of it. And she’s AWESOME!!! There’s battles and pirates and puritans and ghost stories and Napolean and sexual (but virginal) escapades and lots of music. They’re even better on audiobook. Author is L.A. Meyer.

  36. It’s true. I’ve got a weed wacker in my pocket. It makes my pants fall funny but it comes in handy when a stranger asks if my baby needs a hat.

  37. I don’t know why I find the cat so freaking awesome, but it’s completely fantastical. *love*– Also, I want a tshirt. I have spoken.

  38. So, I’m looking at Pintrest.com instead of working, and someone posted your picture of Beyonce at your front door with your entire first blog about Victor! 🙂 And now, you’ve made it! (JK, but kinda, huh?)

  39. HOW the HELL do you get so many comment, time and time again. Are there gifts involved? YOU are not helping my PPD – but you are helping to motivate me.

  40. Oh my gosh, your kid rocks. First off, I spent age 4 to 5 telling anyone who would listen my name was Wonder Woman, so she’s got good SupaHero taste. And not only is she cute, but chock full o’ good advice, AND she’s smart enough to know SHE’S going to be the boss!

  41. The book thing: I read Great Expectations when I was 13. The reactions I got from grown ups made me realize that people assume you should read particular books at a particular age and that maybe that was wrong. I read what I want when I want regardless of genre. I guess what I’m getting at is please let her read big hard books even if she has to look up the words. Also great expectations is awesome.

  42. I’m more of the yelly, bitey, scratchy, kicky kind of girl, which is a good thing because some people shouldn’t have scissors, much less anything that is actually supposed to be stabby. It’s a good thing, I do far less damage that way.

  43. That cat is going to stab someone at any moment. He’ll smack a bitch up. Can’t say he didn’t warn your ass though…

  44. As Patrick Swayze said in Roadhouse:

    “All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.”

  45. This is one of those weeks when I read ALL of your stuff before Sunday. Which, I believe, on one hand makes me lonely and a little sad, and on the other makes you a TERRIFIC WRITER. Thanks for being there.

  46. To the creepy lurker, Brittany, from comment 57:

    Jenny has said in the past that she reads EVERY comment on here, so rest assured your message reached her. Many of her other followers (including me) also read most if not all the comments. I agree 100% with your comment, and I’d “LIKE” it if we had that button here.

    (If I was technologically savvy enough to figure out how to do that I totally would. I need an IT department living in my bathroom. ~ Jenny)

  47. Amanda @83 — I agree about Great Expectations, especially the minor characters 😉

  48. My boss tells me all the time, “We are all a little broken.” Totally true, but I am a lot broken. Does that matter?

  49. Dear Jenny,

    Could you pretty please make the Be Kind cards available in business card size? I would hand them out to people who piss me off, as fair warning. (I’d need a LARGE order.)

    Thanks in advance,

    Susie Sunshine

  50. To Brian and Jenny:

    Thanks Brian. :] I appreciate it.

    Jenny, I’m in the process of signing up for school to learn how to do shit like that! When I’m done I’m applying for the position. 😀 <3

  51. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I think our daughters have a nearly same-ish birthday? My mini little “Frida Kahlo” turned 7 on the 28th.. Anyway, off to finish reading!

  52. I feel slighted by the fact that no guy I have ever dated has made me an ice dildo. I mean come on “spice is the variety of life”. The sex may have been fabulous but I would have traded any of them for a guy who makes ice dildos and ice anal beads in his grungy sink. Especially if he doesnt wet them before using them. In all seriousness (now that I have stopped laughing and dried the tears from my cheeks) all I have to say is…WHY?

  53. RE: My child’s logic astounds even me sometimes

    What are those things on her arms?

    Beer Cans?

    *Texans*.

    :^D

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