See below for latest updates.
Remember last week when I wrote about the sign I’d put up on my neighborhood bulletin board?
Well, I checked today to see if anyone else had responded to it, but IT WAS GONE. It had been taken down, presumably by someone who hates snake reunions and happy endings. It was disconcerting.
Luckily, I knew the perfect place to ask for help:
UPDATED: The missing sign lasted less than 24 hours before vanishing. It’s a losing battle, but it’s a losing battle I’m willing to fight. Mainly because I work from home and have an entire ream of copy paper at my disposal. I can do this all damn day, vandals.
485 thoughts on “UPDATED: MISSING.”
Read comments below or add one.
That’s why we just can’t have nice things.
Seriously – your brain – it cracks me up. I don’t even understand how it works, that brain of yours – but it just. cracks. me. up.
This is the kind of human interest story that makes me reach for the vodka.
Did you just divide by zero? Is this real life?
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE
Bwahaha…damn those sign thief’s! Hope they return it soon, I mean who wouldn’t, given the fact they get a snake as a reward 🙂
Sarcasm: It’s what’s for breakfast. ;-D
This is the only appropriate response to a missing sign.
LOVE it! I hope you find the culprit!
You make my mornings SING, Jenny. SING! And also? These sign stealers should be hunted down, and given rabid paper cuts.
YOu’re a riot! Taking it to the next level! making shit happen…. entertaining the neighborhood, one neighbor at a time!
You should also leave a sign at every stop sign in the neighborhood so that people can see them coming to and from work. Have you contacted Sting, Quincy Jones, or Bono about possibly writing a “We are the Lost Rattlesnake Sign” song?
You’re such a bitch. You know a war’s coming, right? At least there would be if I was the person who took the sign down. Happy hunting.
Very meta of you so early in the morning!
Oh please won’t you be my neighbor?
LOVE IT!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
ha – that made me laugh but i really hope you find your snake 🙁 Perhaps the cleaverness of your awesome sign will help 🙂
you’ve also inspired me to try and do simple posts – not everything has to be a story. I also tried to recreate your Kitty on Head picture for a post called ME AND MY PPD – cat is still pissed! (I might have already told you this, but wine induced comments are not retained)
Awesomest Bitch Ever.
lol LOVE YOU!
Oh, I hope they take down this sign so you can put up a sign of the Missing sign. It just goes on and on, my friend.
Every time I read one of your posts I begin to laugh out loud at work and then realize I’m going to get into trouble so I have to pretend to be choking instead. Pretty sure my coworker’s going to try to give me the heimlich one of these days.
“gives hugs with mouth” … That is just awesome… bahaaaahhahaha!
Brilliant! AS USUAL!
I hope your sign gets returned. You are just too funny. <3
it’s a good thing you got a picture of this. If it mysteriously goes missing, you now have a picture for your lost signs
So the next time my husband asks for a mouth hug, I can just hang him your rattlesnake, yes?
I hope you and your sign.. or your snake.. are reunited quickly.
That’s awesome. Post a PETA poster next to it just to rile the animal haters up. Stake out the bulletin board and follow the one responsible. Then give them Tiberious. Like a “drive by”. But with less bullets and more bitey. That’ll teach ’em.
I think you just blew my mind.
YOU are a God send! I recently jacked up my knee and am stuck in a brace and am on crutches… I HATE being trapped and I’ve always been a fan but now I STALK your site waiting for new blogs…you help me keep my sense of humor…so a very BIG THANK YOU!!!!
I should know better then to drink while reading your blog.
The *perfect* response–I do hope the thief claims their reward!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There’s a really good blowjob joke in there somewhere, but the words aren’t coming.
Brilliant. Thanks for the awesomeness.
WOW!!! You have the best neighbours ever!!! I can’t wait to see what you’re going to post in reply!
You make my bad days so much better 🙂
That’s all sorts of funny! I wonder how many people have read it and thought: Huh?
I cant wait for your post! I look forward to them every day! You can make a glum day so much brighter!
I seriously envy your limitless brain cleverness. I marvel at your spunky responses to everyday situations 🙂
LOL!!! omg I really hope some people in your neighborhood see this shit and laugh. what percentage do you think understands this is a joke, and which think it’s for real?? I’d say 10/90 hahahahaha!
GENIUS! I want this to continue to infinities. Tinier and tinier pictures of pictures of signs that have disappeared.
just goes to show, some neighbors are cool, and some need to have the sticks pulled out of their butts . . . or a rattlesnake give them a hug
Someone doesn’t want that snake to be found. This is where I’d cue the police-procedural-show music if I watched that shit.
“Gives hugs with mouth.” Very nice.
Maybe this guy coul help 🙂
I LOVE YOU. I used to think I was funny, witty, and a semi-decent writer until I stumbled upon your blog. The hilarity that bounces around your brain astounds me sometimes! LOL
Did you check to see if he’s microchipped?
I love obnoxiousness. Very endearing.
Mr Scary Duck over here in the UK has a similar long-running battle. I thought you might enjoy this!
My favorite part of this story is how no one (not even the commenters here) questions your conclusion that the bitey rattlesnake was someone’s PET….???? Gotta love Texas. Sign stealin’ rattle snake lovers, all of ya. 🙂
I give hugs with my mouth too. My boyfriend SO doesn’t like it. Now I can tell him, “Hey, at least I’m not venomous!”
You know some curmudgeonly person is going to have a total fit when they see what you’ve done after they removed your “waste of space” Found sign.
I…I can’t stop laughing. I can’t believe I didn’t see where you were going with this. You’re a genius.
I’m pretty sure shit like this is how wormholes will eventually be discovered.
FTW! You are so awesome and I LOVE your sense of humor! I would love to have you as my neighbor, so whoever took down the side should go piss off…
Too funny! I hope you find your lost ad
Oh my god, I missed the first signs. That shit is funny.
But the next sign?? That shit is beyond hilarious. I love sarcasm. Especially yours.
I’m still Missing Missy. I bet the rattlesnake ate her.
I have a sore back woman have you no compassion in your sole if I laugh I shake if I shake I hurt I should have known bloody better than open up the attachment to your tweet – so pain is therefore self inflicted
My Latest Post Mr Fat an update http://tomstronach.blogspot.com
I’m gonna start looking right now. Then later when I get the reward i’ll be so happy i’ll say “i think im seizing”. I waill either be happy for getting the reward or maybe it will be the hug from the snake.
Kitten Thunder’s Girl — Some people stared sining it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…
NICE! Someone in my neighborhood plastered all the light poles with “STOLEN: My Trailer” signs. I wanna put another sign next to his saying “PLEASE STEAL MY TRAILER” signs, bc the piece of crap my husband has parked in our driveway is driving me insane.
Too awesome!!!! Love it!
Awesome. Just awesome.
Won’t you be my neighbor?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I hope you find the sign, and the snake’s owner very soon. He/she is almost certainly missing their “mouth hugs” right about now.
Let me know if I can contribute to the reward fund. Sooooo worth it.
“snake reunions and happy endings,” eh?
It’s really heartbreaking when you discover that the people you have to call neighbours steal the things you love.
seriously, I want to be your neighbour. You crack me up.
I once lost a coffee mug and considered ordering a new mug with a picture of the old mug on it, with the caption “HAVE YOU SEEN ME??” Sadly, I was too broke at the time to be able to afford such luxuries as custom coffee mugs.
You see, this is why we love you. Nothing like fostering a real sense of community!
That is so meta.
Nothing better than a big ol’ mouth hug from a rattler!
The next thing they’re going to take is the entire pole, and THEN what are you going to hang pictures of the pole on?
You bring joy into my heart…and tears of laughter in my eyes. This was a great start to my day.
That’s typical in this day and age. Nobody respects anybody else’s things. All you’re trying to do is reunite a pet with its owner and this is the kind of crap you have to endure. Well I for one am proud of your efforts and think you should be commended for selflessly putting yourself out there, regardless of the abuse others wish to heap upon you. Bravo, I say.
It’s so sad when a Lost and Found case becomes Larceny and/or Kidnapping.
Hope the note is being well cared for.
BAHHHAAA!!!! I want to move into your neighborhood. “Gives hugs with mouth.” BAHHHAAA!!!!!
Love cuddletime and long walks on the beach.
I can’t wait for the post that will come months from now with a picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that picture of that sign.
Hilarious! I wish I could catch a glimpse inside of your head to see how your brain works. It really is an amazing thing.
Also funny? These comments! They make me laugh too…
There are just way too many killjoys in the world-even in Texas. I find that sad.
Good thing you went with “hugs with mouth” instead of “snake massages always include happy endings.” Otherwise the happy ending hater would have snatched it again.
Thank you! This gave me a much needed laugh! You are awesome.
Oh holy hell, woman, you are a genius! I LOVE it. Thanks for keeping me, and your neighborhood, entertained!
Holy crap you make me laugh so hard! I can’t even tell you how many weird looks I get when I’m reading your blog at work! You’re awesome!
The facebook post had me nervous that someone had stolen beyonce. I was upset but reading this made me of course sad for your loss, but happy for b. It seems obvious to me that bitey’s original owners don’t want him back anymore so THEY are the ones stealing your sign. Those poor people. They probably don’t have the money to keep him properly clothed. I hope this makes your next mission clear.
I bet a follower saw your sign, saw it on the street and decided to keep a momento. It is possible! 😉 No I don’t live in Texas, so I’m not it! lol
Maybe you should enlist the help of the enthusiastic Samuel L Jackson, he hasn’t done anything in a while.. just sayin’
I love you!
Goodness, that is disconcerting. This could go on an on…Keep fighting the good fight Bloggess!
How much deeper does the rabbit hole go, Jenny? My guess: much deeper.
I think you should tout the rattlesnake’s special skills including: fabulous babysitter (built in rattle), guard snake and excellent at cleaning behind furniture.
My co-workers and I read this every day to get our day started. It is inevitable that my “wheezing” laugh comes out and tears start running down my face. Where are people like you in my life? This kind of humor is priceless! Love it!
I like the way you roll.
this is absolutely hilarious.
It’s not every day sign thief reporting is rewarded with a slutty snake – you make the magic happen. Like Disney, but less misogynistic and racist.
I lost it on “gives hugs with mouth”. Beautiful, just beautiful. I love the way you bring joy to the world!
Hahahahaha, a missing poster for a missing poster. Awesome.
And the snake shall set you free…from Beyonce. It could happen. Love it, as always.
You are fucking hilarious.
And it’s like you really don’t get that you are as hilarious as you are.
I needed that laugh. We’re realizing our dog is an alcoholic…
EPIC! I needed something to lift my spirits this morning. Thank you.
p.s. I say that mostly because you almost ALWAYS tag hilarious shit like this with:
“no one thinks this is funny but me”.
I need to learn to not drink coffee while I read your posts. hilarious!
Hopefully someone will see the sign about your missing sign and help you get it back. Then you can give away the snake as a reward, and put the original sign back up, about the snake you found… but you won’t have him anymore, because he was a reward, so there’s no need for the original sign. And if there’s no need for it, why are you trying to get it back in the first place?
I’m getting dizzy, and I can’t tell if everything is working out perfectly or if you’re opening a terrifying conundrum. You’d better just keep Mr. Bitey. But get him a collar!
So freakin hilarious i can hardly stand it! I wish i had a friend like you!
This kind of thing would never happen if people would put collars on their pets. Oh-wait, I feel like that point has been brought up before. If only I had a sign to reference.
Now they’re stealing signs????
Oh, the huge manatee!!
Could only be better if it had tiny paper tear off snakes at the bottom 🙂
Holy crap i just peed in my pants i laughed so hard. that was stellar.
Bwahahaha..I can’t wait to see what happens next in this saga!
LOVE it!!!! Can’t wait for the update!
Why is this not on a milk carton yet?
Would handing out “Missing” fliers while wearing a Stormtrooper costume help? Cos I can TOTALLY do that. Someone just needs to hook a girl up with an empty Powerade bottle to pee in.
haha Love it. Please tell me this will be a recurring theme.
LMAO! I want to take a R/L picture of this sign for my blog! I can’t wait to get to Texas in my RV. I just know it’s going to be a great state!
Do you know about the Waylon Jennings Museum and Drive-thru Liquor Store in Littlefield, TX? How can you not love a state that has drive-thru liquor store tributes to singers, and people concerned about pet snake posters.
Thank goodness my monitor is 2′ away from my face… I just spit coffee from laughing. That’s what I get for reading your blog while consuming a hot beverage. My keyboard wasn’t so lucky. Hilarious!
Thank You for all of your postings during the past week or so, you have literally kept me in stitches!
I have to remember the next time when one of our pets (we have two hamsters) go missing that you will make our Lost Sign for us:-)
Oh gosh I needed this smile right now.
I’d be lookin’ for that sign on eBay…
“Gives hugs with mouth.”
That’s what people said about me in college. Weird.
Are you sure the rattler isnt related to Copernicus?
The whole hugs with his mouth seems too Copernicusian.
I don’t even know… what to say… I.WISH.I.HAD.YOUR.BRAIN. haha.
LOL, now all we need is someone to take a picture of your sign and post it somewhere.
Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Horrible sign stealer. But now I must admit to my own stealing of signs.This is so much funnier than the passive aggressive war that I have going with my neighbor. She has apparently decided that unauthorized use of our dumpster is a major issue. Despite the fact that I am pretty sure the problem was a one time thing when someone was moving out. So she has been putting no trespassing signs up on the garbage. Initially written in sharpie on paper towels. Which I thought was ridiculous, so I tore it down. And it went back up. The situation has escalated over the course of three weeks to multiple types of signs taped, glued, and plastered on the dumpster. With significant effort expended to make them indestructible. All of which I have been taking down. I don’t go out of my way, I just get rid of the sign if I happen to notice a new one up when I take the trash out. It has to be driving her crazy. It amuses me, but I do understand that I am a little unbalanced in this situation. She and I have a history of disagreement over much more substantial issues than signs on dumpsters (e.g. mismanagement of condo association funds, calling the police on my plumber and saying he was breaking into the building – she got a ticket from the police for that because they sent multiple police cars with sirens and then she stupidly admitted to knowing exactly who he was and who let him into the building.) So I find this to be a relatively harmless release of my aggression toward her. And it is sneaky, so she can’t actually pin it on me. And start screaming at me. Which she has done before. Maybe one day she will move away…would the snake be interested in a snack? She also has this horrible cat…
Um. I need this Tshirt. That is all.
you are hysterical!! i want to live in your neighborhood. giant metal chickens, missing rattlesnakes, never a dull moment. i love it!!
That’s some good ole fashion communication right there!
Before you go giving that rattlesnake away can I borrow it to take care of a little mouse problem I might be having? I’m thinking a mouth-hug is exactly what mickey needs. Also – this plan? Foolproof.
(digitally written in letters cut out of online magazines) I have the snake. And the sign. Bring $500,000 in pre-1964 dimes to the corner of Lexington and 5th at midnight on the full moon after next, or I make boots out of the snake and an origami dolphin out of the sign……wait, I have big feet…..do you have another snake?
Just fantastic. And now i can tell my husband he was wrong. Animals do give hugs with their mouths. He was all, ” let it go, it doesn’t like you” Now i know it just likes me better than him. I think I just won.
In case your town doesn’t have a Lexington & 5th, or if it does, but there isnt a corner there, then leave the dimes at the nearest town that does. And make it three full moons from now. I have a dentist appointment the day after the other midnight, and I don’t want to be all tired.
You seriously have no idea how much I look forward to your posts. I always end up laughing out loud and having to share it with others in the office. Thank you for your humor – in a world gone stupidly mad, you are the bright part of an otherwise annoying day.
I found something of Copernicus’ at the Goodwill yesterday. I will make sure I email it to you as soon as I stop forgetting to.
And THAT’S why you’re the Bloggess and we’re not!
What if someone actually returns the sign and you *have* to reward them? Hey – stranger things have happened to you… and you know it.
I am sure you just put a huge ass wrinkle in the space time continuum. And please don’t tell me what that means, I think it’s from Back to the Future or something.
OMG!! I’m glad I’m home alone reading this post! I get looked at strangely when I laugh out loud for seemingly no reason. If they only knew… 😀
I love it! You need little snake tongues that you tear off to aid in your search! I mean seriously… Smooches Jenny
Very nice. Reminds me of a “found Alligator” sign that I actually saw in Charlotte one time!
So, do we see a new companion for the three kitties who are the boss of you OR do you have a new pair of snake skinned boots? Great post!
I’m with previous commenter Stephanie…clearly you filed this one incorrectly 😉
We’re ALL finding it funny!
That is awesome! Part of me hopes someone steals this sign just to see how far this can go!
“Very friendly. Gives hugs with mouth.” Hysterical!
Please, please, please make me a T-Shirt of the reward poster. Thank you.
I have no doubt that if you ever decided to run for president you would win. Not only because you are hilarious and everyone would love you, but because you are the most persistent person I have ever seen and would wear down the opposition through cheery, but slightly homicidal propaganda.
You need to unite the snake with Copernicus. That would be an awesome pairing.
LOL! My husband said the rattlesnake plays music too.
I am pretty sure I want the T-shirt for this one. If you find the snake owner- will you interview him (you know it’s a him) just for us? Please?
it’s sweet of you to care so much about someone else’s sign. 🙂
Wow. My husband told me lots of people give mouth hugs and I never believed him. Maybe I should be giving more mouth hugs. I mean, if snakes can do it, why can’t I? Right? RIGHT?
I really hope you find your sign. People can be so insensitive sometimes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you are very clever. hahaha.. love it!! Thanks for making my morning and soggy cereal so much better.
*somebody* needs to form a neighborhood watch program in that damn town…
Oh my GOD… I hope your sign is okay!! Maybe it just went out for cigarettes and will be right back? I’m sure the lure of a free rattlesnake as a reward will be enough incentive to have it returned safely back to you. I’m praying….
I want to live in your neighborhood. Life would never be dull.
I TOTALLY lol’d at this one and I do NOT lol in response to blog posts. Really. Like never. And also? People with no sense of humor suck rat balls. That is all.
That’s just funny.. but….sounds like someone you know. Considering how it hugs…just a thought.
Hahahahahahaha. This blows. You are too smart.
You should totally buy some rubber snakes and toss them about the neighborhood and hide in the bushes, taking photographs of people slamming on their brakes to RUN OVER the rubber snakes.
there are no words for your brilliance.
Just when I think I can’t laugh any harder, you write a new post. Brilliant!
Maybe Rick Perry shot it with his teeny tiny gun.
That kinda made my brain hurt just a little right now. But that could just be the Red Bull talkin’.
You are going to inspire legions of your minions to post neighborhood signs.
This is a truly beautiful day for earth. And rattlesnakes. And signs.
Let the signage begin!
You are awesomeness covered in awesome sauce.
Cranky Neighbor: 0
Would you be my neighbor??? No really, the people around me have no personality what-so-ever!! Your antics would be greatly appreciated by me!!
Now see, this is the problem. You probably should have initially called the ASPCA or PETA instead of informing the bad snake parents that you found their snake. I’m sure it was them that took down the sign since they do not want their child-snake returned to them. Probably because of those excessively loving hugs he is always giving with his mouth. I mean, if you can’t properly care for a lovey mouth hugging snakey-poo, then you should really be reported to the authorities, I say. Plus, they are larcenous bastards as well. Where do you live, Jenny . . . in the ghetto?
Before I read all the witty comments from your incredibly talented and witty minions, I have to tell you that I LOVE YOU JENNY! You make me smile and then my memories of reading your blog make me smile! My 13 year old son asks every night… “Mom, read me The Bloggess” which is sure to send me to hell (or at least “bad parenting classes”) but I don’t care. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
That rocks. Really. It does. I LOL’d.
I read this post (and the snake sign one) to my kids. They thought it was hilarious. They will probably be quoting it the rest of the day.
Also, my daughter wants to send you a bunch of rubber snakes so you’ll have something real to give whoever finds your missing sign.
Also also, my kids want to put up their own signs around our neighborhood. This could get interesting.
Mouth hugs are the best!!!!!!
And this is why I think you’re so fucking awesome. I love you.
I hope someone comes forward. I mean, it can be very upsetting when you’ve lost your sign …
I’m telling you guys, I’d buy rubber snakes. And then, in the dead of night, I think I’d go put one on the front porch of every house in the neighborhood.
And it’s your community spirit that makes your neighborhood so happy.
“in no one thinks this is funny but me,Random crap”
Nope. Totally wrong category, Jenny. LOL
Sadly, I think the answer to your question can be found in the original sign. Because we know that the snake (who may or may not be named Tiberious) is “very angry” and comes “from a bad home,” I think HE likely absconded with the sign as he has no interest in returning to this so-called home. Perhaps he is looking to earn his GED and strike out in his own in the world. God, I hope he doesn’t get mixed up in drugs or prostitution. I expect we’ll be seeing the Lifetime Movie soon.
That just MADE my entire day! I needed that – thank you! :o)
I SWEAR THAT WE THINK ALIKE!! LOVE IT!! 🙂
Oh, what fun. I can’t wait for your block party!
I hope everyone who sees that is as amused as I am right now. So cool.
When the sign returns, how will you deliver said snake? The one who “gives hugs with mouth”. I would very much like to see the trade off on that one.
I saw that snake in my agent’s office. He was being cast in Snakes On A Sign.
This town is so unfair to women.
You should move to a better – or at least a little looser – neighborhood because there are obviously some anal-retentive douche canoes in your neighborhood and they don’t deserve to have you as a neighbor!
Of course, if you stay, this sign will also come down because people who rip down funny signs are just too closed-minded to leave well enough alone and then IT. WILL. BE. ON! and I can’t see it ending any way but badly as the surveillance camera (partly paid for by YOUR homeowner’s association dues) catches “someone wearing a wig” in the act of putting up yet another replacement sign and the rent-a-cop then comes and hauls you off to the county lockup where Victor will have to bail you out. Or maybe that’s not a bad ending after all because it would provide plenty of raw material for your blog and that would make us all laugh. Keep up the good work!
Kinda makes you want to try to hug someone with your mouth though, doesn’t it?
Did anyone ever tell you that you could probably get blood from a stone? Or venom from a poster gag? Or possibly rust from a chicken? Because you could.
I’m glad you’re being so proactive.
Someone needs to understand the importance of snake reunions.
Maybe the person who advised to ‘keep collars on your pets’ took the sign after going home only to realize *her/his* snake was missing and was sans-collar. It was likely an act of shame. Snake-reunion hatred and shame.
I have your snake. It’s trying to fuck me. Please advise.
Jenny, just how do your synapses fire?? Too funny…thank you for the laugh, while I spit out my wine…
I just found your blog today, and I haven’t stopped laughing out loud from your posts (not like hehe lol, but seriously laughing out loud at work – coworker asked if I was alright). Hysterical. Period.
Now there’s the Texans Ive come to know and love… the thieving kind! I can’t wait to hear about the reunion with your sign.
This is why you should put collars on your signs.
Does the snake do laundry? Because I just pissed myself.
Brilliant!! I almost choked on my popcorn!
Note to self: Reading The Bloggess could be dangerous to your health!! Bah ha ha
In future, I’ll make sure I’m not eating when I open up your Blog.
Oh how I admire your persistence!
Heidi, stop letting the snake slither around in your boobs. honestly.
Look out for a nasty ransom note…. Be strong Jenny and good luck!
I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a snake. Asking it to face hug me.
People think snakes would be slimy in between your boobs, but nope- silky.
You know, I was thinking the other day how just totally awesome it would be to meet with you for coffee and hear the things that you would talk about while I try to not choke on my coffee……
but then I realized that I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything funny to say……
This is hilarious….can’t wait to see what ‘the neighbors’ do next.
At this rate you are going to become a tourist destination!
Quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen all day today. Really. Seriously. I do think this is genuine funny stuff!
(Now to subscribe to your blog… Yay!)
I just love how you spread humor and others pick it up and carry it on. You have me laughing out loud!
Heidi, did I tell you I dyed my hair red this weekend? Just sayin’.
I like to give mouth hugs, but usually I don’t murder people doing it. LOL
I agree, I think this is *exactly* how wormholes are discovered. It’s like that song little kids sing about the friendship circle that goes round and round with no end. But hilarious. And potentially dangerous. And slightly confusing.
Maybe in the next photo you should have a picture of said “reward snake” positioned in a circle. Make sure he’s wearing a collar. Captioned “Free Wormhole with your Large Rattlesnake Reward”.
Make sure to dump lots of glitter in the center of the snake-circle. Glitter makes magic, just like with vampires.
I’m taking a wine class right now and I feel that “very bitey angry rattlesnake” may be a component that we pick up in different wines from the Texas wine country. I will suggest this as a flavor in our next wine class.
You are the funniest person on earth. Hands down.
And now: on to milk cartons.
you do realize that you are deconstructing the blog and bringing the social network back to the bulletin board? bravo!
Are you sure that’s a bulletin board and not some homeless man’s burlap sack?
you’re awesome… nuff said.
Heeere’s your sign
You would be my very best friend if you lived in Longboat Key, Florida!
You know its funny when you find yourself coming back periodically not just to see what other people have said – but to read that damn sign again.
*seriously unladylike snort*
I heart you!
that poor anal bulletin board monitor. Bet they didn’t see that coming.
Do you think we’ll see a posting declaring what postings are appropriate for this bulletin board in the vein of “your wrong/your wrong”?
Jen, are you simply “blessed” with this comedic brilliance or are you assisted with medicinal aids. And, if Beyonce comes up missing, what would your BOLO poster look like?
I LOVE you, but I HATE snakes. Thank you for making me laugh, the world would be boring without you.
I was having a really shitty night.
Then I read this.
My night is now wonderful.
I think “I might be seizing”……LOL! Best way to end a night, a good seize and a bitey mouth hug! Priceless!
Lol, I wish I could put you in my pocket and go on adventures together!
Hahaha! Aw, I bet the HOA loves you!
My love of you has officially grown to the obsessive unhealthy level. Oh who am I kidding, that happened months ago.
You know the feeling when you’re writing a comment and then the computer is all, “PUBLISH” and you’re all, “no no, I wasn’t finished yet, computer” and then it’s all, “too bad, I’m publishing anyway,” and then “you’re all FUCK YOU COMPUTER,” and then you debate whether you should publish another comment with the rest of what you were going to say in the first comment but instead write a comment about a conversation with your computer?
Yeah, me too.
No, you didn’t!
Oh, of course you did! That’s why I read this blog! LOL
Genius. Simply genius.
Aww the rattlesnake issue? My husband would find a way to turn that into something sexual. He always does. I think your sign was hysterical! I find it even more hysterical that the person responded. It reminds me of the time I saw a sign in our residential area that said, “Goat For Sale.” I really wanted to check it out… kinda like you do when you are buying a car….lmao
I’ve never lost a sign or a sign about a lost sign. I did loose my air guitar at work. I even got all my team together and asked them if anyone had seen my air guitar. One of them is a smartass, he wanted to know what colour it is. Orange of course, they’d only seen a purple one so obviously that wasn’t mine. I still haven’t found it. I thought that I might find it soon so I rang the local musical instrument shop and asked them how much it would be to get it tuned when I find it because it is lost somewhere in an industrial kitchen and it would probably be greasy or wet.
The guy thought about it for a couple of seconds and then said “Eighty Dollars” and he’d need to keep it for a couple of days. I said “Seriously $80 to tune an air guitar…?”
“yep” he said “$80, it’s a standard fee for air guitars no matter the brand” and laughed.
Just goes to show our boss shouldn’t leave us alone and bored…hang on I am the boss….ummmm.
That… that couldn’t be… it looks like my missing sign, but someone has added stuff about a snake and a DIFFERENT sign on it…
It used to say something about a collection of animal figurines I once had for sale.
I, I hardly recognised it, I mean it’s been a while and things changed, how it got all the way over there is beyond me.
Cellulose fibre IS pretty determined I guess…
Thank you for making me laugh..I hate snake ..I do think this is genuine funny stuff!Keep on posting..I hope many people will like this..
What will you do if someone takes the bulletin board? 🙂
Aww someone doesn’t love animals! Maybe a few snake hugs will make it better 😛
Can’t wait to see the “Rattlesnake. Very bitey. Gives hugs with mouth” T-shirt in your Zazzle store.
If I could vacation anywhere I wanted, I’d pick “Inside Jenny’s brain.” And while I was there, I’d try to steal the secret recipe for Be The Funniest Person Ever.
I hope you find your sign.
I remember when I lost my sign. It was the saddest day ever. EVER.
I still don’t see this in the zazzle store.
Gives hugs with mouth!!!!
I’m going to go light some incense and pray to St. James Garfield for the speedy return of the lost sign.
The media should report more stories like this one–maybe then they’d get my attention!
I have a link to your blog posted on my blog because I feel that after people have been sufficiently depressed by my rambling drivel they ought to have a place to go for some actual entertainment. You never disappoint. Today, however, I was scanning the titles of linked blog entries and came to yours that said ‘MISSING’, except that, at the instant I saw it, a ginormous floater sailed across my right eye and what I saw instead of ‘MISSING’ was ‘KISSING’. WTF? Was there a rip in the fabric of the space/time continuum? Had the Earth spun off its axis and graves been opened for the start of the Zombie Apocalypse? I can’t tell you how truly frightening this title was. I had a visceral reaction. There might have been some significant scrotum shrinkage. I managed to get the little arrow over the link, but I couldn’t make myself click it until the floater finally drifted to port revealing the lovely ‘M’.
That is why I have a shovel with me any time I am out in the yard. Live in the country and do not like any snake around my doors to the house.
Holy Hannah!!! I am literally crying from laughing!! You truly are one twisted sister and I adore you for it!!
I can’t wait to see what kind of response THIS sign gets! Do keep us posted!
I am dying. And pissed. You are too funny. : *(
Awesome. Can’t wait to hear what happens next.
All I can do is laugh…can’t wait to see the response.
Oh I so want a snake hug with his mouth!
Stop it – you just made me pee my pants from laughing so hard (and I am at work)
I heard from a reliable source that Wil Wheaton stole your sign. He’s jealous because you’ve gone so many posts without mentioning him lately. Maybe he would accept a ball of twine in return for your sign?
Awesome idea. Let’s get it on a milk carton too.
Just want you to know that “only the smart people will cringe” shirt is now being worn proudly by my 13-year-old son, at middle school. He’s supposed to be keeping tabs on which teachers cringe.
Jenny—you gotta check out this link about signs/guns/and neighbors/ and neighbors who object to signs. You’ll LOVE it.
You light up my life. Bwahahahahaha!
I think it’s important to go ahead and call the police. It’s time they put out an APB for the sign. Also, as another commenter posted earlier, *this* is exactly why we can’t have nice things.
But whatever happened to Tiberios? And why do they spell his name like that?
LOL @ Susan Says
Have you checked eBay? That’s where I would have it now, if I lived anywhere near you.
Please excuse me if this has already been suggested. You get more comments then I have time to read.
Or, you *could* try Craigslist. In the personals…
I saw this sign and immediately thought of you. If you lived in BKlyn and not TX.
They are totally going to fine your ass. I can’t WAIT to see hte nasty gram! HAHAH
BAHAHAHAHA!! You know what…. I really needed this right now 🙂
They have severely underestimated your stubbornness and perseverance. I’m going to enjoy watching this battle.
*pulling out popcorn, soda, and a comfy chair*
Next thing you know, they’re gonna create rules about posting things in the glass enclosed posting place. And when you break them, they will come for you.
Friggin’ morons. They have NO IDEA what they’re up against. AT all.
WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??!!ELEVENTY!?!!
Your brain gives me happies.
Bloody Brilliant! Couldn’t stop laughing, love the way your brain works please always use your powers for good!
Best missing poster ever.
If I lived in your neighborhood I would definitely be stealing your flyers. Everyone needs a good battle, lol!
((s-l-o-w c-l-a-p)) Nathan Fillion would be so proud.
If you keep making these signs much longer, you’ll either have a piece of M.C. Escher artwork on your hands, a portal to Hell, or a rift in the space-time continuum (the last two of which might also lead you to a world ruled by metal chickens)
Kudos to you, woman!! This is TOTALLY something I would do.
some people have no sense of humor. : /
You know, if you start signing your signs, then the vandals can sell them on ebay and your fans will bid on them which will pump money into your community and you’ll be a hero!
It’s like Inception but with signs. It’s a sign within a sign.
I’m going to be really fucking disappointed if someone doesn’t steal this sign now.
I’m pretty sure no one is taking your signs seriously due to the devastating lack of glitter. At this point you may need to employee puffy paint in addition to shit tons of glitter. Glittery rattle snake drawings = serious business
I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Oh stop it you are probably driving some poor sod to distraction with your antics you deliciously wicked woman
That is so freakin funny. The best part is you are driving somebody completely nuts. The person who wrote the comment about the collars is pretty funny also .
You forgot to add “Or the Rattlesnake gets it.” You catch more flies with a hammer than honey.
Perseverance, I think you can win…….
You should make your next sign, put it in an envelope, and attach it to that sign, and write a note asking the person who steals this sign to go ahead and put up the one in the envelope. I just hate to see you have to waste your time when the inevitable happens.
Sarcasm, irony and a good dose of Jenny orneriness at Theo best! What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall to witness the guilty culpret’s face when they see the new signs. You keep me laughing, even on my worst days! Thanks for being you. 🙂
“Mainly because I work from home and have an entire ream of copy paper at my disposal. I can do this all damn day, vandals.”
You should add that to the next one. Also consider stapling copies on telephone poles, etc.
On the other hand, removing it may be due to frustration since you leave no contact information. Create one on gmail, etc and post it so they can email you.
Sarcasm, irony and a good dose of Jenny orneriness at its best! What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall to witness the guilty culpret’s face when they see the new signs. You keep me laughing, even on my worst days! Thanks for being you. 🙂
This makes me wish you lived in my neighborhood. Provided you left the snakes where they are and didn’t bring them with you, that is.
Hilarious….totally something I would do. I have found my new favorite blog. Kindred spirits in futility…
I love you so much. (and seeing the comment luv thing made me realize I needed to update my blog.
I love you so much. (and seeing the comment luv thing made me realize I needed to update my blog.
have you considered a stakeout and a snapshot? followed of course by a “Wanted: Sign thief – do you know this person?” poster
Somewhere…there’s a neighborhood bulletin monitor whose head just exploded.
Okay. OKAY. I’ll put them back.
Somebody, somewhere is just waiting to shank you with pencils probably. I on the other hand would love to have a coffee sized flip book made of this entire thread. I think it would be an epic read.
I *heart* your signs.
aaahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa! i bet the buzz-kill that is fucking with the sign has a ‘NO SNAKES’ sign in his/her yard – jerk.
I swear you are the reason I started blogging. Anxious people are always funniest with the right outlet. Clearly yours is community signboards.
how is this not on passiveaggressivenotes.com yet?
I think you should make a sign that is like lining up two mirrors…..Signs into infinity. Then make a card. For the rooster.
Rotten sign stealing Bastids!! You’ll outlast them!!
I so wish I lived in your town…. I have so many fun ideas of what I would put up on the board!! 🙂
Hoping the next post will be about camping out at the bulletin board.
I think that there needs to be a sign warning people that you have a monkey named Copernicus and you won’t want to – but you’re not afraid to use him as a watch monkey because it’s a sad, sad world when signs go missing.
And then casually mention that he’s ALMOST as friendly as the missing rattlesnake. And that it’s his personal philosophy that “a hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet”.
This is how the arms race began. But without snakes.
Jenny, I love you. You are a whole human-sized parcel of awesomeness.
Totally off subject here but hey, where better? Saw a couple of days ago that Target had about a half a dozen adult sized chicken Halloween costumes at about $77 apiece. Today? All gone. Can’t wait to see if any of them show up with any Beyonce’ style signs on them at the Halloween dance my husband and I attend! I’ll send you pictures if they do. (Durham, NC)
I feel that this seems like a job for J. Walter Weatherman.
*arm socket oozing blood*
“And that’s why you don’t steal signs from the community message board”
OMG! I love your neighbors. Even if they are vandal thief assholes?
When your updates multiply the funny of the original post exponentially, you know you’re in good shape as a blogger.
“Gives hugs with mouth” hahahaha
This is easy. Obviously, the people who used to own the snake stole the sign, they were the bad home, that was full of sign thieves…
That’ll learn them! Entire forests sacrificed for a good cause. Getting in the last word, dammit.
I’m giggling at your update!
I want to play! I have a lot of time on my hands.
I took your last sign and I’m gonna sell it on Ebay! Oh, and I’m in your yard right now, riding Beyonce.
I hope you don’t mind.
Girl to Mom- Heidi
Holy batballs, this is just like a mirror in front of a mirror in front of a mirror until it disappears into infinity.
I need to be careful, my computer may cross into another pinhole dimension and suck me into the vortex. Damn, and I have towels still in the dryer…
and of COURSE Angel made a comment halfway up the page like this ALREADY. Just like junior high when I came to school on dress up day NOT dressed up…behind and alone… sniff…
This was the first post I read from your site. Damn that’s funny!
The sign was stolen because it was just SO AWESOME and someone really needed to add some awesomeness to their drab existence. It’s probably framed and hanging over their fireplace!
O.M.F.G.! I’m pissing rattlesnakes up here! You are my queen!
Sign thieves should be tanned and made into cowboy boots!
They underestimated you. They probably didn’t think you kept a picture of the first sign, or the second sign. But they were WRONG, very, very, wrong. Soon though, it’s going to start looking like when you hold two mirrors facing each other if they keep stealing your signs. A never ending missing sign sign.
You need to combine these posters with your “Be kind or be cut” sign some how.
FOUND: sign at grocery store.
Answers to Missy
Not wearing sweater
Call with information at (xxx)xxx-xxxx
I would KILL to be at your next HOA meeting. Wait…..do they even have those in Texas?
Please let me be half as badass as you when I grow up <3
My post office used to give me much joy with 2 slots, one marked ALL MAIL, the other ALL OTHER MAIL.
ALL MAIL was a super professional handmade paper sign and covered the original destination of local post/zip codes. It was up for 2 years, and increased my postal joy with every use. Then one day my brother’s friend got the job managing the post office. First thing he did- you guessed it: ‘fixed up’ those signs. What a fucking dweeb. I switched post offices.
If only setting up a video camera wasn’t such a pain…. I’d love to see the thief’s reaction every time a new sign appears. This could go on and on and on. I’m picturing it all playing out in old time black and white style with piano music. Dramatic piano music.
Clearly there is some sort of reversed-kidnapping Mafia shit going on here. They KNOW you have Mister Bitey and they’re not letting ANYONE contact you to return him to his home.
This…this could be bad…
I adore you
I so wish I lived in your town, just so I could happen across this fabulousness on a daily basis.
This is my lucky day! I’m decorating my living room with posters that have to do with found rattlesnakes and also with signs that have to do with those found signs going missing.
Unfucking believable!!! I found 2 of them, and have a line on a third!
Uh oh…looks like this is going meta real fast-like…
Perhaps the snake stole it 😉
This is like the Jenny equivalent of the artwork to Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma. Nice!
Absolutely brilliant, to copy the same exact comment I’ve made on/thought about this site a hundred thousand times.
Oh My! The best part is that you are driving someone batty! Keep up the good work! 😉
I love you. and not in a creepy way, just a stalker way.
I am praying for your sign.
Alan, Post #278, I thought you wrote “Your brain gives me herpes” and I thought, “Well shit, I want to take MY relationship with Jenny to the next level too!”. But then I saw “happies”, and now I just feel all empty inside. And a little ashamed.
I love you!!! You rock!!!!!!!! 🙂
I may have to stop reading your blog until after my baby is born. I may crush him from laughing so effing hard! If you are medicated, keep taking the meds. if not, don’t start. Have you thought about using rubber cement to adhere a poster to the pole? It would kinda kill the run you have going, but imagine the consternation of the person trying to take it down….
I can’t thank you enough for your blogs. You’re way better than anti-depressants. Or crack. Not sure about weed though…that would be a hard call…I take that back. If pot heads read your blog, they’d probably die from suffocation because they’re laughing sooo damned hard they can’t breathe.
I love it!
I am enjoying this impish sign play as much as the next guy but I think we’ve lost focus here. For the love of God, where in the Sam Hill is poor Tiberious,the bitey, neglected, mouth-hugging snake?!!? He could have slithered halfway to Canada by now.
Your creativity and smartassedness is astounding. Bravo.
you’re my hero
You know…If you just applied a bit of glue to the back you wouldn’t lose so many signs. Hard to lose something that won’t come off. I’m just sayin. Also you should get a bunch of different ppl to take shifts and scope out the place to find the culpret and when they go to steal your sign you can ba all, “Ha! Caught ya!” and then write them (cause you’re a writer) a fake ticket for theft. Oh, wait! That’s what I would do. I call dibs on 1st shift!
I love the way your mind works!!! Hilarious!
I hate to point this out… When you have a missing snake involved and 2 missing signs It is plain time to call in Dog the Bounty Hunter and Chuck Norris. Dog will Find ’em and Chuck will .. Well he is Chuck… You should always invite him. Go twitter him now. What better could there possible be to do.
With that being said, I have taken some F’ in good happy pills and this might not make sense.. I hope it does.. It does in my head.
I love how you think! I sit here, alone in my kitchen, laughing out loud (I hope I don’t wake the kids)! I wish you lived on my street and were part of our PTA. We could you a mind like yours!
fantastic. I had a dream about passing these signs last night. A sign about a sign that is a sign of the end of times for sure.
HAHAHA! This string of posts is never going to end, is it?
Hahaha! Oh, this is great!
LONG LIVE THIS BATTLE!
I want a Stolen Missing Found sign in my yard.
oh boy. you have quite the life, don’t you?
i love this.
I’m starting to think when your mother told you “pick your battles” you read into that something ENTIRELY different than she probably meant.
You are totally going to win this. All they have for motivation is common sense, HA, they have no idea how battles are won.
I want to live in your neighborhood.
I think *they* are fighting a losing battle. I wish my neighborhood had a board like this. Oh the fun I could have… 😀
I showed this to my boyfriend. He was not amused.
I, on the other hand, could not contain my peals of laughter. Why don’t I have friends like you!?
i want to be you when i grow up. does it matter that i’m 33?
You should start litering your hood with fake snakes.
Paula, I already suggested that!!
Said it all earlier, just using you now to point others to my latest blog cos I know you are a kind sharing person, aren’t you? BTW my latest blog was going to be about one book but I ended up commenting on six !!!!!
Everytime you do this, you should use a bigger piece of paper, until there is a fucking huge paper taking up the entire bulletin board with every sign inside it close to its actual size.
How many photos of a missing snake sign that’s gone missing like the original missing snake itself, and of the missing snake sign missing sign that’s also gone missing will it take for the wormhole to open?
I think i just confused myself.
this is why all signs should have collars
You’re gonna push some little old lady over the edge and the bulletin board will be removed, put behind glass, or require pre-approval from someone lacking your twisted sense of humor. Watch for the surveillance cameras and motion lights, they’re next. Sign posters (and sign stealers) will all blame YOU, and come after you with pitchforks and other stabby things.
Ahahahaha, I can also read about the missing sign for the missing sign for the missing sign all damn day!
Way too funny! I’ll just take my snake and go home now.
Beyonce is even more beloved than I thought!!! Found this on Pinterest:
Question … how do we know Victor isn’t removing the sign as secretly wants to keep Bitey at least until he/she gets hungry enough to eat Beyonce, thus effectively winning that war? Hmmmmm?
it’s starting to read like the credits of Monty Python and the holy grail…..
The directors of the firm hired to
continue the credits after the other
people had been sacked, wish it to
be known that they have just been
The credits have been completed
in an entirely different style at great
expense and at the last minute.
bwahahaha… That’s awesome!
I’m interested to see how long this lasts. I’m thinking of putting up a notice about commen sense missing and it will probably go on as long as yours does, considering our HOA board prez is such a huge douche he could cleanse a whale vagina.
IT’S TOTALLY VICTOR.
a sign saying, “Have you seen this chicken? [insert picture of Beyonce] Call Victor at: 555-555-0000”
You should maybe check eBay… I wonder if someone is stealing your signs to sell for some extra spending money so they can buy their OWN copy paper.
Or maybe they’re holding the signs for ransom until you ante up not only the rattlesnack, but also a metal chicken wearing a flying pig for a hat… ??
I kind of feel like it’s a mirror looking into a mirror or something.
What would we do without you, Jenny?
I pee’d a little when I read this! You’re AWESOME
This made my sucky day a small percentage less sucky. Thanks.
This is probably the BEST blog post I’ve ever read featuring a stolen sign about a missing sign that’s about a found rattlesnake. Oh, wait–maybe the second best… no, it’s definitely number one.
And Jenny, I just want you to know YOU are one of the reasons I am so far behind on all the “important” stuff.
I’m picturing an old lady in a house coat and curlers, watching you from her window, waiting for you to post another sign so she can march out and tear it down…also, by old lady I mean my grandmother. She’s probably your culprit.
I wish I lived in your neighborhood just so I could be the one to steal yor signs.
This is priceless!
You need to keep the snake now, to guard the missing sign.
Hilarious. You just made my day. THANK YOU!!!
This is like those old “Choose your own adventure” books, but your version keeps making you flip between two pages, just to fuck with the reader(s).
This WILL be the gift that keeps on giving. I agree with Mr Farty above. Use the snake to guard the missing/found/new sign. I would gladly come over to stake out the bulletin board for you armed with a video camera. I would just require some anti-venom in case I get bitten by the guarding snake..
YOU are BRILLIANT!
I wish you lived in my neighborhood!
Maybe a sign about a 7 step program for sign stealing hoarders?
I think we should totally get a big ass cage, and fill it full of fake snakes. *snicker*
I think you should NAIL a freakin fake snake to that bulletin board with some halloween blood with a copy of your missing sign in it’s mouth and tell them you’re through trying to find the real owners, here’s the damn bitey snake. That oughtta get the little old lady in curlers riled up REAL GOOD.