This isn’t necessarily a real post

Yesterday I went to the doctor to check on the ovary that tried to kill me because it’s still being an asshole.  I asked the doctor (who was very sweet and quite awesome) if she thought it was cancer, and she smiled and calmly reassured me that “it’s not necessarily cancer.”  Which seemed very comforting until I was out the door and started analyzing exactly what the hell that meant.

For my own mental health, I’m telling myself that “It’s not necessarily cancer” is the same thing as “It’s not cancer,” but I don’t really believe me because I have anxiety disorder and I suspect I’m just lying to myself to protect me.  From myself.  I don’t know if that sentence even makes sense, but if it doesn’t I blame the cancer which I may or may not have.

Honestly, I’m not even sure why I paid for that diagnosis. I already knew that I didn’t necessarily have cancer. Who gets a necessary cancer?

“So you have cancer?” “Yes, but it was necessary.” “Oh, good. There’s nothing worse than a frivolous cancer.”

I have to go back this week for more scans.  Scans which probably cause cancer.  And then the doctor will be like, “Well, the bad news is that all of these x-rays caused you to get cancer, but the good news is that we found the cancer by doing all these x-rays.  Yay for us!  And it’s a darn good thing that we did all these scans because they were totally necessary to find the cancer that was caused by them.”  And I think I just accidentally defined necessary cancer.

Touche, medical science.

You win this round.

PS.  Don’t worry.  I don’t necessarily have cancer.

PPS.  This post is more depressing than I would like it to be so I’m ending it with a picture of myself photo-bombing a picture my friend Chookooloonks took.  For those of you who are new here, I’m the one inside the wolf.

Stop yelling at me. The wolf died naturally of old age and kidney failure. And probably necessary cancer. I hear there's a lot of that going around.

373 thoughts on “This isn’t necessarily a real post

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG! I’m first! Thanks refresh!

    I hope you don’t have cancer. You make me laugh and cancer is decidedly Unfunny.

  2. I really adore your sense of humor. Thank you so much. Please go photobomb everyone. Including me.

  3. I’m sure you don’t have cancer…. but I understand what you’re feeling right now cuz i just got a call back from my doctor regarding my blood tests which show an elevated white blood cell count and other factors that …after researching on webMD….. resulted in me probably having cancer. WebMD wouldn’t lie.

  4. Oh God, I’m sorry. You’ll be fine, promise. Now I can cry hysterically for both of us, I’m already doing it for me, right now, so no worries.

  5. good luck with your not necessarily cancer! Doc told me last week I have a “touch of asthma”. I left and thought: wow, a whole touch? does that mean there’s a bug in there with his finger on my lung going ‘I’m touching you! I’m touch you!’ or would that be fullblown asthma since he’s touching? So instead the bug has his finger an inch from my lung going ‘not touching you, just breathing on you and it’s almost the same thing!’

  6. Tell them you don’t necessarily have the means to pay for the visit and see how long it takes them to ask you to sharpen up that answer.

  7. This made me think of Cave Johnson.

    “For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman’s terms, that’s a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours. Now maybe you don’t have any tumours. Well don’t worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren’t wearing lead underpants we took care of that too.”

  8. *I* think this post is funny. But that is probably because I don’t necessarily have cancer either. And I appear to have necessary anxiety disorder…because if I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t necessarily have an interesting life, or conversations just like yours with myself.

  9. Maybe thats how they find mental health issue, telling you you have cancer and waiting to see what happens. Somewhere in a padded room there is someone rocking back and forth whispering “Sike? Sike???”

  10. I’m, um, pretty close to a doctor, and it’s pretty much doctorspeak. If there’s even a remote possibility it could be cancer (or whatever someone suggests), they won’t say it’s not, and they won’t say it is, and then they order tests, so they can give you the clearest answer. I did a lot of analyzing (and re-analyzing, and overanalyzing) what my OB said when I was pregnant with twins, and things felt (and went) much better when I just blocked him out until the ultrasounds/test results came back. I hope this helps a little.

  11. While you don’t know me and have no reason to listen to me, I hope you will keep protecting yourself. If you don’t have caner (which you probably don’t), you’ll have saved yourself a lot of grief. If you do, well, fuck cancer. It doesn’t deserve your attention right now.

    That was supposed to be supportive. I suck. Sorry.

  12. I hear that if you wear a wolf while getting the scans it can act as a cancer-deflecting shield. The best part is that it works retroactively too. #TheMoreYouKnow *rainbow*

  13. Oh my dear sweet Jenny. I have had 2 pelvic surgeries in 2 years for ‘probably not cancer’ tumors. I was terrified. Neither were cancer. Painful, irritating, frightening- you bet. But no matter what, we have your back, and I guess your front in this case. Your words have touched us all so much, we will be here to hold your hand. Promise.

  14. Well, I certainly hope you don’t have cancer. (Unless it turns out it IS necessary, in which case…I have no argument.) Just sic the wolf on it an call it a day.

  15. Ovaries are assholes, with or without cancer. I want mine to dry up and fall out because I’m done with them but nooooooo.They’re like drunks at a house party. They act up, break shit and don’t know when to leave. Good luck.

  16. That’s better than some of the jackassery I’ve heard doctors spew… there’s nothing like being told you’re having a panic attack when you’re perfectly calm, rational and inclined to take a nap because you feel crappy. More than anything I get are mildly annoyed and frustrated that no one can figure out what’s wrong. Apparently along with necessary cancer there are also calm and fatigued panic attacks.

    But nice of your doctor to cover her ass… at least she didn’t say it’s referred pain from bumping an elbow (that you didn’t bump).

  17. WTF Medicine? “It’s maybe not cancer. Or it is. But is doesn’t have to be. Oh. I see here by your medical chart that you have a history of anxiety. That’s fun. So it’s definitely maybe or maybe not cancer. See you next week.”

    Red wine was recently noted to have cancer busting properties. I’d be drinking the shit out of some of that. For science, you know.

  18. But, hey, if you’re going to have cancer, what better kind than the frivolous one who sits around all day eating Bon Bons and sipping brandy with it’s pinky out. Sure, you have a growth the size of a grapefruit on your ovary, but it’s a member of high society. Win/Win.

  19. That’s like saying I don’t think your dying necessarily… cuz if you’re going to die it better be necessary. The one thing they really can’t teach at Med School is that good old bedside manner. Most doctors are terrible with it, especially specialists of any sorts… might as well have come in here with the funeral parlor papers for me to sign. JEEZ… So anyway… you’re photobomb is the BOMB DIGGITY! And I’m sure you’re fine. Besides if you get cancer from those scans at least they caught it before it spread right. I mean it’s not necessarily a problem is it now….

  20. I find it necessary to leave a you a funny & encouraging comment. Unfortunately one isn’t necessarily coming to mind. But then again maybe my lack of humorous wittiness will just make you look better, and if you look better supposedly you feel better so I guess I did do an ok job.

    Now if I could just find some way to work the wolf into it…

  21. The good thing about having cancer that isn’t necessary is that frivilous things usually lose interest and find something else to do!

    Best of luck with your not necessarily cancer.

  22. Oh Jenny…. I hope you don’t have cancer, but I’m going through a similar thing in which what is causing my symptoms MAY be a tumor on my pituitary or adrenals… or it could be a med interaction. Or my brain trying to kill me with anxiety.

    All that to say… I’m thinking about you and I hope that you get good news back from the docs soon. ::hug::

  23. May your not necessarily cancer turn out to be as not cancer as mine was. Mine was up top. Turns out I just have lumpy boob syndrome (that’s the medical term for lots of cysts for no good reason). I’m as stacked as your average 8 year old, so my question is, how flat would I be if I didn’t have lumps?

  24. I’d retort that diagnosis with “well, I’m not necessarily going to pay you” or “I’m not necessarily going to set you on fire with my mind if you don’t give me a real diagnosis.” Because, you know, I’m a people person like that.

  25. thankfully he didnt lose his fur with the radiation treatments. Who wants to walk around wearing a bald wolf pelt?

  26. I went through the same thing. Turned out to be a cyst the size of basketball. Your doctor was a lot kinder than mine. He told me he believed I had cancer and needed more tests. The doctor he referred me to and who is still my doctor was the best and said I shouldn’t over react until I had the results.

  27. If it makes you feel any better, I had an MRI of my brain last week and it came back “essentially normal.” Great.

  28. It could just be an exploding ovary. My sister had one. It’s like a small bomb that just goes off one day when you’re out having fun.

    Totally like necessary cancer. And not a problem after it explodes.

  29. There really is nothing funny or snarky to say about this. Just make sure you can ask every question you ever thought of as well as any we throw over the wall at you. And don’t let the medical would-be wizards give you any double talk, smarmy answers, or other assorted batshit bullshit.

    and ALWAYS look them square in the eye and MAKE THEM LOOK AT YOU BACK. If the doctor can’t look at you, get another doctor. FAST.

    sending you lots and lots of positive thought rays

  30. My ovary spent months trying to kill me, or making me want to kill it back. Then it stopped. Then I went through menopause and my ovaries can now fuck themselves.

    The End.

  31. I had an ultrasound on Sunday b/c I am going through fertility treatments. The doctor asked me if my left ovary normally hides behind my uterus. I was like, “idk.” Because I’m not in the habit of playing hide and seek with my left ovary. My left ovary and I don’t have good communication about its whereabouts.

  32. I’m sure your fine, Jenny – but lots of positive thoughts headed your way to help you get past the craziness the idiotic doctor handed you. Also, I definitely feel your pain on this one. When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, the doctor who discovered it wouldn’t tell me directly. He just told me he was sending me to an oncologist. Being the highly indebted, educated person that I am, I immediately asked him if that meant I had cancer. His response, “well, I’m not saying that…”. Um, I’m pretty sure sending me to an oncologist means I have cancer, *#*&!

  33. I’m glad to hear not-necessarily-cancer is going around. My sister just got over it (hers turned out to be super-gross cysts and I am glad she doesn’t read your blog because she’d punch my face for telling the world her NNC was really a batch of gross cysts)
    I hope your NNC wasn’t caused by photobombing. I understand there’s radiation in the aftermath?

  34. We have matching mutant ovaries! Seriously, and mine, which I call “Naughty Lefty” is definitely not Cancer, necessary or frivilous. It’s just an asshole.
    I have a little slice of my day for you:
    I sold the play kitchen on kijiji. I gave my husband the full name and business name of the person who bought it. He texted back “OK? I dont’ know him…” Yeah I know you don’t know him, but you need this information in case he kills me instead and deletes his emails from my laptop before he leaves. Then later I asked if he has his alibi. He said “What?” I said well you need one, in case the kijiji guy kills me. They always blame the husband first. I’m just trying to cover your ass here. Just go to a passer by and give them your full name and get their contact info. But try not to get arrested, because that wouldn’t look good if you were in trouble with the law and I turned up dead.

    This, is just the joy of being married to me 😀

  35. I’m gonna vote that your doctor speaks a rare dialect of english where ‘not necessarily’ is a synonym for ‘absolutely FUCKING NOT’.

    “It’s Not Necessarily Cancer”.. then the translator says “It’s ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT Cancer.”

    Happy Happy.

  36. very nice photobomb indeed. and doctor’s will say that anything “could be” cancer. Example- my runny nose sent me straight to the ER for a cat scan to rule out a brain tumor. for real.

  37. I had a wart-thing under my toe that was annoying. I went to the podiatrist, who said, “It’s probably not cancer.” WTF? It never even occurred to me that it MIGHT be cancer. He didn’t recommend surgery or anything, so it’s still there . And still annoying.

  38. i have been there with the murderous-ovary-oh-no-it-could-be-but-might-not-be-cancer. most likely, it’s good old fashioned cystic ovaries that are quite treatable…you take birth control pills. it has been wonderful for me. take pill. ovary shuts up. **bonus points** my partner and i can ride bareback 😉
    the irony is that if you have any history of breast cancer, particulary the estrogen-sensitive kind, then you might possibly be at risk for cancer by taking the birth control pills necessary to tame unruly ovaries. life is good, but unnecessarily complicated. hope you feel better 🙂

  39. Wishing you get better soon! We need you around; you’re like crack for us; like necessary cancer. Now, the wolf necessary cancer….THAT shit scares me.

  40. I was told the same thing when my ovary tried to kill me. It wasn’t cancer and that was 20 years ago. It is good to make jokes to make yourself feel better, but in truth, saying what she did means they don’t think it is cancer, but she can’t say for sure at this point.

  41. Yeah, the scans. I’ve had ‘not necessarily cancer’ a few times. I’m a survivor of it. I think we need a ribbon campaign.

  42. It’s not necessarily cancer. It may just be a stupid ruptured hemorragic ovarian cyst. Those are assholes and difficult to find. I am so talented, I got the original one and I was in pain for ten (10) straight days before I went to the doctor, because I thought my girly bits were being their usual bitchy selves before a number of friends went, “If you don’t go to the doctor today, I’ll jump on a plane and make you!” Then I got a second one while on contraceptives to prevent ovulation, because, again, I’m talented like that.

    So it’s not necessarily cancer, not. Just your stupid girly bits trying to kill you.

    I recommend stocking up on missiles to shoot at them. Or good drugs.

    You know, whichever is easier to come across.

    Hang in there.

  43. I have the leukemia sort (except it’s the anti-leukemia called polycythemia vera) and I’m agreeing with Stephanie up there. When my doctor saw my initial labs, he just said that we were going to run a bunch of tests before we’d even consider hazarding a guess about what was going on.

    It’s “not necessarily cancer” is like saying, “you don’t necessarily have a giant hairball in there.” It’s small comfort, I know, but there are SO many more benign things it could be that it was downright evil that you were told that.

    Keep that wolf snout up, Jenny. I’ll totally keep your non-cancerous ovary in my prayers even though I’m mostly a heathen.

  44. Life is full of the unexpected, isn’t it? And yet somehow, you manage to take it all in stride. I admire you for that. Having one of NINE possible symptoms shouldn’t worry you. (If persistent gas and tighter-fitting pants are other symptoms, I may be in trouble.)

  45. Pretty sure wolf-wearing wards off all cancers. There was a study. Or there should be.

  46. “For my own mental health, I’m telling myself that “It’s not necessarily cancer” is the same thing as “It’s not cancer,” but I don’t really believe me because I have anxiety disorder and I suspect I’m just lying to myself to protect me. From myself. I don’t know if that sentence even makes sense, but if it doesn’t I blame the cancer which I may or may not have.”
    THIS. I do this ALL the time. Which is why I love my doctor because she gets me and will not say things like your doctor did because she knows I will spend the next week researching every possible thing it could be and freaking myself out even more than if she just said “You have cancer.” Anxiety disorder is a bitch. And I’m forwarding this paragraph to everyone I know so I can say, this is exactly how my mind works. Daily.

    On that note, I hope that it isn’t cancer but just some other really bitchy thing that is far easier to fix (as a former person in the medical field I can honestly say there are sooo many things it could be. Hmmm, that probably didn’t really help did it?) Feel better.

  47. Are they fuckin idiots? do they not know ‘ovary killing’ happens quite a lot in people with RA. A few years back mine tried to kill me ( I have RA), and it shut down my kidney, and the ER tells me it’s a mass, and cancer. My Dr comes in and looks at it and tells them they are assholes – it’s a cyst gone wild, and will calm down – which it was and did.
    Hang in there Jenny – you will be fine, although it may try to kill you again – ovary’s are bastards like that.

  48. Is it a cyst? First one I got I thought my spleen burst and I was going to bleed out in a matter of minutes. I was laying in a bed while doctors argued about letting it “resolve naturally” despite its “advanced size” versus removing it surgically. Then I sneezed, which is exactly what they told me not to do and that was it: BOOM. I always knew hayfever would be the death of me. Anyway, now I get them regularly and I won’t know it because I gave up on the getting scans (time + cost) and I’ll do something really life risky like reach up in a cabinet for a plate and BOOM! On the upside, the family is now used to me writhing on the floor moaning. They’ve learned to wait it out or just step over me. If it’s not a cyst, do not read what I just wrote. Either way, here’s to a healthy painless “natural resolution” or “medical intervention” solution.

  49. It sounds like your Doctor went to the WebMD school of medicine. “You’ve stubbed your toe. It may or may not be cancer.”

  50. Ovaries suck! Fingers crossed for NO cancer. Doctors these days have to CYA (or CTA in this case) all the damn time because people want to sue them constantly. Sucks for getting clear answers up front. Keep us posted, mmmkay?
    Meeeeeellions and beeeeeellions of positive vibes being sent your way.

  51. See, this is why I refuse to go to doctors…. until they stop “practicing” medicine and get their collective acts together, I’m not going. If I were you, I’d tell the doctor that until you get an actual diagnosis you are “not necessarily” going to pay the bills. That will probably clarify for the doctor the NECESSITY of an actual diagnosis and an end to the haphazard prognosticating and trips to various other labs and specialists all of whom will do their thing, bill you for it and then get together and throw darts at a dartboard to come up with some idea of what you “probably” have at which point you’ll likely be directed to “take a wait and see approach”.

    For reference, the other folks who “took the wait and see approach” can be found at your local cemetery. Meanwhile, I think you should definitely drink more “margueritas-in-pouches” strictly for “medicinal purposes”. I won’t even bill you for that advice!

  52. Damn ovaries. Mine are juvenile deliquents. I hope yours are just a couple of posers.

    I think that in this litigious society, dr’s say things like that to cover their asses all the time. Unfortunately, that’s what we listen to, so we get screwed in the interim. Hang in there.

  53. I had some bloodwork a couple of years ago that came back with elevated levels of some enzyme that goes up if you have cancer. My doctor said the same thing! She added confidence by also telling me that “The tests are often wrong.” The good news is, I’m still here, uninsured, and totally not following up on getting more tests, since I have no insurance. So, as Nancy Reagan might have said to a manic depressive: just cheer up.

  54. I love the picture. I love the wolf. I love you. You’re beautiful!

    Take some deep breaths and try not to worry about the not necessarily cancer. Every extremity I have is crossed for good luck and good news. You can’t do anything to change the situation at the present moment, so try not to let the “what ifs” ruin your day/s.

    You make magic happen because you make the saddest people laugh and the happiest people happier. Don’t worry – we got your back!


  55. Hey Jenny,
    I’m sorry your doctor – sweet as she was – left you with so many concerns and unanswered questions. I have had 13 surgeries for various cysts and things, even after my ovaries were removed. I don’t necessariy have cancer yet. Please don’t worry. And watch out for that probe. If anything should give a person cancer, it’s getting an ultrasoud probe stuck in their hooha. But remarkably, it hasn’t given me cancer yet. Necessarily.

  56. Oh yes, ask for a sonogram – way better than a scan – sono will show if it’s a cyst.

  57. I hate it when people hide behind “well, no necessarily.” Blah.
    Here’s to hoping it’s not cancer; necessary or otherwise.
    Stupid ovary needs to leave you alone.

  58. Leanne Moffit is correct. My lady parts have been trying to kill me too, I am not sure what I did to make them so vengeful, and I too got the probably not cancer speech. I ran that around in my head until my mind exploded and once it was all said and done it was not cancer, I call the tumors my “potatoes”. When people ask me what I do “I tell them I grow potatoes” and then under my breath say “…in my lady parts”.
    So bottom line- you don’t have cancer, but you might have a new occupation that the IRS might or might not try to tax you on. I will warn you there is not a big market for lady part potatoes.

  59. Hang in there Jenny! I know what its like to have an anxiety disorder and a Not Necessarily Cancer scare. It’s hell because your mind just whirls in circles until you get the all clear. I’m still not out of the woods yet because the “pre-cancer” could return (after the painful, embarrassing procedure I had to remove it) in a stronger mutated form also known as full blown cancer… but it helps to know that there are people like you who understand what its like. Your sense of humor is sometimes the only thing that gets a laugh out of me all day on my bad days. I can see by all the comments that you have a lot of ppl pullin for ya. Stay strong… oh and by the way, love the photobomb incident… *still wants your wolf*

  60. Doctors like to do this thing where they try to comfort you and end up freaking you the hell out. In my experience, “not necessarily cancer” means that it’s probably not, but they don’t want to say that definitely on the slim chance that it is and you sue them. I still haven’t decided whether it’s better to think you do have cancer and be relived that you don’t or to think that you don’t and then find out that you do. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so the first one is probably worse for me. Besides, isn’t the second possibility how most of us spend our lives every day? We just go around thinking we don’t have cancer until someone tells us otherwise?

    Whatever. Doctors are dumb. You should sue them for triggering your anxiety disorder.

  61. This reminds me of a Dr Who episode that I’m sure you’ll get to soon enough because even though it just happened this year, and you started with 2005 or whatever, it is really that addictive that you’ll be caught up in time for the Christmas special. Um… there aren’t really spoilers here. Don’t worry.

    There are people coming. Well, almost.
    Almost coming?
    Almost people.

  62. The wait to find out if it is cancer is a bitch. Hang in there. I always heard that cancer doesn’t cause pain, so there’s that. Sorry, I’m not very good at cheering people up. I could make you an anti-cancer cake?

  63. Relax, been there done this, you are so likely to just have ovary acne (aka a nasty cyst).

    Hopefully wolf pelts don’t cause cancer, you know like bacon and eggs and oh air!

  64. So would necessary cancer be like cancer of the appendix because you don’t necessarily need it?

    Fuck cancer.

    Beyond that point, I had an ovarian cyst that I luckily caught before it tried to kill me and after going from a quack to an awesome doctor, he was able to remove the cyst which was due to endometriosis. It wasn’t cancer but for a while the quack had me thinking it was. Hopefully you end up with a similar “gee sorry we scared the snot out of you but you’re a-ok!” diagnosis!

  65. Sometimes I just come for the comments “I’m as stacked as your average 8 year old, so my question is, how flat would I be if I didn’t have lumps?” totally actually LOL’d

  66. Also, you should totally just call your doctor and tell her you are about to have a panic attack about the cancer you don’t necessarily have. For realz.

  67. Somehow the term “not necessarily cancer” seems like nothing compared to the phrase my newly-out-of-med-school-ink’s-still-dry-on-my-diploma-I-just-replaced-your-awesome-doctor-that-you-trusted-because-he’s-old-and-now-retired-because-he-probably-couldn’t-really-see-your-vagina-anyway gynocologist said to me while doing a colposcopy to see if I had cervical cancer, “This is going to going really smoothly like a hot knife on butter.” Cue the nurse looking at me horrified and the pinching-pulling-nothing-like-a-hot-knife-on-butter feeling inside of my body when he actually scraped my cervix.
    And then no cancer. Thank God but really, what a man thing to say about what a cervical scraping feels like.

    Hang in there, Jenny. You’ll always have your ability to photobomb the hell out of some pictures.

  68. My daughter went through that very same thing, only it was in her breast. And as it turns out, it wasn’t cancer, necessarily. But I went through the same over-analysis and anxiety-driven-conclusions (because that’s just how we roll).
    On the other hand, I have friends who find out that it *might* be cancer and it was, in fact, cancer. Apparently the discussion is quite different when the doctor actually thinks that there is a reasonable possibility. They begin to prepare you for the worst so that when they tell you and you go crazy and kill yourself, they aren’t liable. That’s what my friend told me. Who has cancer.
    Until then, I understand….expect the worst, hope for the best. I’ll join you in hope. But my little heart can’t take expecting the worst. The world needs you too much.
    Be well and try to take it easy on the conclusion – jumping.

  69. Jenny, I am a longtime reader of yours and I have to say, those damn ovaries will do everything to fuck us up. I have severe endometriosis, and before it was correctly diagnosed (took 5 doctors to figure this out) there was a lot of “not necessarily cancer” both in my head and from the doctors. Add to that ovarian cysts, fibroids, hormone imbalances and a host of other ridiculousness, and you have so many more *lovely* and *exciting* things to have other than cancer. All of which might be a bigger or lesser pain, but it ain’t the c word. Love the you.
    (By the way, the doctors on “ER” knew more about my diagnosis in three lines of dialogue than the 5 doctors could come up with over five months of crazy scary pain. So maybe you should watch some back episodes.)

  70. You may or may not have a necessary or unnecessary cancer and you may be overly anxious far too often BUT I do know that you have a wonderful sense of humor and that will serve you well no matter what life throws at you. I know my sense of humor saved what sanity I have left while I dealt with my own, unnecessary in my opinion, cancer in a vitally necessary organ that I now take synthetic drugs to mimic. If you need a shoulder to cry on when you’re laughing hysterically I’m sure it will be easy for you to find one!

  71. Your anxiety about nessary cancer is totally how my mind works! Your comments were like dejavu when I was having rapid heart palpitations and the Cardiologist said well you won’t necessarily die from palpitations. Really?

  72. Couldn’t your great doctor said: “It could be one of a million things?” At least you get out the door and panic. When I’m with a doctor I panic instantly if they even intimate there may be a problem. I go into panic mode and don’t hear what he/she is saying. I become a blithering idiot. Take one of your Xanax, that’s what they are made for: to squelch the what if’s…..and let us know what happens because I will now throw up in sisterhood anticipatory anxiety. Hang in there Jenny. Hugs, Laurie

  73. Sending you happy “I-have-a-huge-chicken-and-nice-drugs” thoughts…cause they totally go hand in hand. ButI gotta say that I’m not sure what’s better. Hearing that “you necessarily don’t have cancer” while having anxiety issues or having cancer. They are the same in my boat. Was told that once too…before I was totally neurotic and anxiety ridden (i.e. had kids). It was after I had my tumor removed. I was in high school when it happened. I am not sure still to this day or not if it was cancer or not.

    Well, I’m guessing not cause I never had chemo or radiation or something like that. Hmm guess thats my answer

    Hoping its the same for you

  74. I’m glad you don’t necessarily have cancer. I guess. Or maybe I should just wait until I find out the true verdict.

  75. I’d like to point out that this is in fact a very real post.

    cancer is scary! so thanks for sharing what’s going on. Cuz as fans of your’s we all want to be there for you, the good times and the bad.
    The trade off for having to read about scary real life threatening omg stuff is that all the other times you are hilarious and make us and our friends who we share your blog with laugh uncontrollably while tears stream down our face and our sides hitch up in pain!

  76. I hope that while it isn’t cancer it is necessary testing. I had not necessarily cancer so my insurance decided it wasn’t necessary testing & it took me 4 months to get them to pay for even part of the tests. I may or may not have told them at one point that I don’t necessarily have a gun & know where their offices are.

  77. I am going to suggest that you wear the wolf to your next doctor’s appointment. Be sure that the wolf face is exactly level with the doctor’s face.

  78. First, you are awesome and if you didn’t already know it you have the thousands of us to tell you each day!! We readers just love you!

    My baseline mammogram stated that it “might be benign.” I thought, “What the hell kind of diagnosis is this?” It led to lots more mammograms, a breast oncologist, and surgery just to be told I don’t have cancer. THAT was a fun several months.

    I get it. I totally get it and I would push the doc at the next appointment to “man up” and give you a real diagnosis.

    Good luck!

  79. And the medical community continues to wonder why the reported occurance of anxiety continues to climb…I suspect that your unnecessary cancer is also frivolous, capricious and completely feckless as well.

  80. I had something removed called a borderline ovarian cyst which the oncologist said was NOT cancer, my family doctor said wasn’t NECESSARILY cancer and my gynaecologist said WAS cancer. Who do I believe.? Depends on if I remembered to take my meds!

  81. I’m sure it’s “non-necessarily” anything. . .and loved the photo-bomb!

  82. most likely, victor will blame your love of touching chemically bombed taxidermied animals as a possible reason for “not necessarily cancer”. wow victor way to be supportive!! sheesh! if you do have to be in doctor’s offices in the future, bringing Jean-Louis (the aligator) & hamlet (the shakespearian mouse) in your purse. nothing says passing the time like an impromtu dead animal puppet-ish theater. you are just a new breed of jim henson for 2012! (once again i’m guessing victor will be just as unsupportive of this awesome new waiting room past time).

  83. I’ve had unnecessary cancer for nearly five years– three different kinds. If you have it, you just make it your bitch and keep on going. BTW- your blog has helped me climb out of the bell jar on more than one occaision when the unnecessary cancer has caused unnecessary lapses of self pity. Hang Tough!

  84. I probably would have bit that doctor. And then been like that wasn’t NECESSARILY on purpose. I have been experiencing some tics.

    And then the doctor probably would have been like “Oh Dear, there is a possibility that tics could maybe be another symptom of a unnecessary cancer.”

    And then I would have bit the doctor again. And then been like, THAT one was on purpose.

  85. That’s not a photobomb – you and the wolf have the same expression! You’re just posing far away. And please wear that wolf the next time you go in for tests, necessarily or otherwise.

    “Are you or the wolf here for tests?”
    “Not necessarily.”

  86. 🙁 in an effort to cheer you up did you see that you got mentioned over on Well Copernicus got most of the limelight, but still they mentioned you!! 🙂

  87. My sister had ovary pains and it turned out to be Dermoid Cysts. Those are the kinds with hair and teeth and bones and shit in them. So, it’s possible that you are gaining a new member of the family! A lump of bio-matter with vaguely human features. Congratulations!

  88. What is that wolf’s tongue made out of? Is it the wolf’s real tongue? I feel like a wolf tongue should be wet, but that tongue couldn’t be wet, so what does it feel like? I’m sorry about concentrating on the wolf tongue and not the cancer portion of your post, but it’s distracting.

    (The whole mouth is plastic. Tongues don’t taxidermy well. ~ Jenny)

  89. I hurt my wrist in a fall a few years ago and the xrays showed a walnut-sized tumor that “was not necessarily cancer”. After oodles and doctors and enough xrays to make my wrist glow in the dark, they decided that it wasn’t cancer at all, it was an enchondroma, totally nothing but a big ol’ goop-filled hole in my bone that needed to removed and filled with ground up cadaver bits instead of my natural goop. Because glowing from the x rays wasn’t enough.

    We deemed it my bone zit, and I now have dead people living in my wrist. But they don’t glow. It’s all rather sad, really.

    So maybe your ovary has ovarian acne?

  90. I’m glad you don’t necessarily have cancer, but I think the point you are missing is that your asshole ovary probably needs some therapy or anger management. Then I would look into anti-cancer causing scans or start a foundation that will research that.

  91. I believe you are fine. When you’re not fine they say much scarier things.
    Also, please wolfbomb more pictures? It’ll be like Paula Deen riding things.

  92. Several years ago a nurse called to tell me I needed further tests because while reading the MRI that I had had taken after an auto accident the doctor saw what he believed to be tumors on my left kidney and thyroid gland. “OMG, I have cancer?” I whispered and her answer was – well, maybe, that’s why we need to do more tests.

    Long story short, two months later (2 CAT Scans, 1 Ultra sound and 2 biopsys later) I don’t have cancer and the nurse no longer works for my doctor. Of course, now my uterus is on the war path but THAT doctor made it very clear that it was just being an ass and he’d be shocked if that was actually cancer. I really like him.

    You’ll be fine! Try not to drive yourself nuts in the meantime.

  93. As someone who had my own cancer scare last year, I can tell you, it’s terrifying to think about. But you seem to have things well in hand (at least in this post) and to be coping with the scare. Remember, keep your head up and keep the funny flowing because that right there is the best way to keep yourself sane in a case like this. I’m praying for an all clear for you.

  94. I have “white-coat hypertension”, which basically means that I’m scared of medical things and my (normally low) blood pressure skyrockets if you put me in a room with a doctor. My husband doesn’t allow me to do medical research online because it gives me anxiety attacks. So you can only imagine how I reacted when, 2 days after my c-section, a clinical clerk took a look at my incision and exclaimed “Wow, that’s a huge amount of redness and swelling!”. The look on my face must have been pretty good, as she immediately tried to backtrack: “Oh, uh, well, I haven’t seen many of these, so maybe it’s not really that bad…uh… I’m going to go get the resident…”

    I hope cancer finds you completely unnecessary and therefore leaves you alone. You could, however, have an awesome dermoid ovarian cyst with teeth. And hair. They’re a real thing. Did it feel like biting when your ovary tried to kill you?

  95. I can relate. I just got a message from my doctor: “It’s not a tumor. Call back for more information because we did find something else.” I will have to explain to them again that I don’t want their damn “pleasant bedside manner”. Give me the facts, people.

  96. Dr. feeling lump on my breast: “No way that’s cancer.” Sent me to get mammo anyway. Then I got ultrasound. Then I got a diagnosis. Cancer. (Then I got surgery. Then I got chemo and radiation. Then I got better.)

    I gotta say, I think I would have preferred “not necessarily cancer” and then actually no cancer. Which is how it’s probably going to work out for you (I sound like a doctor with that ‘probably,’ dontcha’ think?).

  97. No one ever made me laugh while telling me they might have cancer before. Now i feel like an insensitive jerk! Good luck with what might not necessarily be cancer.

    And yes, Wolfbombing should be the next big thing.

  98. Well now you necessarily have an overwhelming amount of support in case anything unnecessary happens. Like a leprechaun-shaped lamp getting lost in the mail on it’s way to your door. That would also be unnecessary and we would all be there for you.

  99. Aw gee. This is as exciting as I went to my post-op for my ovary removal and heard the doctor chuckle, “Well that one shouldn’t give us trouble any more.” I froze. Shouldn’t? Not can’t, won’t or absolutely infuckingpossible because it’s not fucking there …? No.

    “We couldn’t get it all, so while you don’t have a fully functioning ovarian organ, you still have tissue that can pretend it’s an ovary and grow more cysts.” Followed by frat-boy shrug. “And there’s no cancer in there now, but with the symptoms you were having, I really thought that’s what we’d find.” Hmmm. Umm … yay?

    “Can the pretend ovary grow real cancer”

    “Not necessarily …”

    I thought immediately, just for shits and giggles, which part of his brain that he’d obviously had removed — but they couldn’t get it all, so some of it still pretends it’s a brain — thought this was the way to go with this one? With the woman not six months out of losing her husband to cancer.

  100. I’m not necessarily a doctor but I think you just had an ovary ache. I recommend you name her Madame Ovary. Because things worked out well for her.

  101. I don’t necessarily have cancer either, but a doctor didn’t tell me. I just know, ’cause everything causes cancer and I’m lumpy (these 2 things not mutually exclusive). My lumps are all external however. Also they are on my lady lumps. Does that make me double lumpy or more necessarily cancerous?
    Also as a little side note, I too have heard that cancers aren’t painful in general. They usually kill the nerve endings so there isn’t a lot of sensation at all.
    Fingers crossed & praying

  102. You’re way too awesome to have cancer. You know, because cancer totally decides who it is going to attack based off their level of awesomeness.
    You are in my thoughts.
    Photo-bomb FTW.

  103. *hug* Sorry your ovary is an asshole. Hopefully, by your next appointment the doctor will have learned that adverbs aren’t necessarily a good inclusion into a non-diagnosis.

  104. Let’s face it by leaving all that space in the right of that pic they were begging you to photo bomb them…it’s their fault.

    @Jennifer I have had cervical and uterine cancer…nice to know it was my lack of awesomeness. BUT IT WAS DETECTED EARLY DUE TO REGULAR CHECK-UPS AND THEREFORE I BEAT IT SO THAT MAKES ME TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME SO IN YOUR FACE!

    P.S. I think cancer is just the kind of bastard that does not care about your level of awesomeness.

  105. You rule all within your sight. And probably some stuff without your sight. Outside of your sight. Or site. Whatever.

    Also, “Frivolous Cancer” would make an excellent name for a rock band.

  106. That is by far one of my favorite photobombs to date. Your friends are lovely… but you definitely add a certain “Je ne sais quoi”.

    P.S. Necessary e-hugs are being sent your way. xxo

  107. I have had not-necessarily-cancer of both the breast and the ovary. I think when doctors say that sort of thing, they actually believe they are being reassuring. They speak a different language than normal people.

  108. While you don’t necessarily have cancer, I may necessarily hunt you down and punish you if you do. Sweets may not necessarily work as a distraction.

  109. Haha, your poor doctor probably just flubbed. What she meant was likely along the lines of “it’s likely not cancer,” except part way through she realized that she shouldn’t say that so definitely because there’s a minute possibility that it is cancer and didn’t want to look like an asshole / get in trouble if it turned out it was cancer. I literally do that all the time, and it’s tough because you know that patients are scrutinizing your every word and repeating them to their friends and family: “the doctor said she thinks it’s…” And then if you actually express how little you know about their problem – if you say “I’m not totally sure what’s causing your headaches but it’s probably a sinus infection” then people run out going “THE DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!”

    Like just last week somebody asked me if some drug would affect their peripheral vision because there are a few reported cases of that happening but mostly only in people with vision problems anyway and I started to say there’s no chance, but then caught myself because there’s always the possibility that something weird could happen and I said “probably for sure not” and now I’m sure they think I’m completely dumb.

  110. I’m sure there’s some chemical being released from Wolf Blitzer that’s counteracting any cancer. So now you just have to go tell Victor that in fact, contrary to his assertions, Wolf Blitzer was actually a “great financial decision” because cancer (necessary or unnecessary) costs A LOT more than a wolf that died of natural causes. (That may not be true for a wolf that died of unnatural causes, but luckily Wolf Blitzer doesn’t fall into that category)

  111. Ovaries are assholes, and yours is just adding anxiety to the mix to increase its homicidal fun. I suspect it paid off your doctor to add the “necessarily” part.

  112. Well, I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound and during the middle of the thing she says, “Do you still have both your ovaries?”

    Good God, woman! What are you scanning? You mean there’s nothing in there?!

    I have no idea what this means, but I should hear something from my doctor by the end of the week.

  113. Is it just the Wolf Head, or are their arms and legs as well. I need this. My son’s name is Wolfgang. He could wear it to his first day of school (and thank me later).

  114. I always love your sense of levity on topics, even ones that would have more brevity to the average person. I really do hope that you do not have cancer – and I also hope that your doctor, though sounding very dear, communicates a little more clearly for you when you go back in.
    Much love,

  115. I got a version of that statement a couple of years ago when I went in for an out patient surgry on an evil cyst on my ovary. The found something else, while cleaning up, and took it out. My doctor told me “yeah, we can’t really tell if that blob we found is cancer or not, so we are doing more tests. But, knowing you, it is probably cancer.” … and it was. But, evil cysts causing unbearable pain ended up being a good thing! Honest! If they hadn’t gone in, they never would have found the blob. If they hadn’t found the blob then they never would have found the cancer (the type I had is notoriously hard to detect) until it was TOO LATE(why do doctors always sound like they are talking in all caps when they say stuff like that?). And now, when people tell me they are having a bad day, I get to say “yeah, well, I survived cancer, b*tches!!!” (ok, I don’t actually do that unless the person is being really unbearable) (and sometimes even not then)

  116. My doctor totally did the “not necessarily” thing when I was pregnant with my daughter. Took an ultrasound and went “hmmm…. I don’t see the baby yet”. I wasn’t worried at all until she goes “well, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you had a miscarriage…but we’ll just have to see. Call me when you start bleeding”. WHEN?! When I start bleeding?! I spent 2 weeks making myself even more insane than I already am naturally. When I went back it was most definitely and wonderfully NOT a miscarriage.

    I agree that ovaries totally and completely BLOW. I have Endo, so anyone wanting a donation of a uterus that doesn’t work right and some twisted up fallopian tubes are welcome to them! Wonder if I could get a tax deduction for donating them to science?

    Sending happy thoughts and prayers your way!!

  117. Aaaaa it is of course the act of PRACTICING medicine, most of what the medical field does probably causes cancer. And herpes.

  118. The tone of that picture, the sunlight coming down all pretty like, and gilding the shining hair on your friends heads… OMG WOLF!!!

    Your facial expression makes that picture.

  119. Both my parents had cancer, multiple cancers, so my nooks & crannies get all sorts of scans. Which are probably giving me cancer, too.
    Do we call that Scan Cancer or Scam Cancer?
    Also: at my 1st mammogram (yes, at the age of 34) they kept shooting me, then telling me to go sit, them calling me in for a re-shoot, then for a sit, then another picture.
    All I could think was “this isn’t necessarily cancer. Maybe they just like taking pictures of this one deflated tit?”
    It wasn’t. But they wants more pictures this year. Maybe for Christmas cards?
    Good luck with your asshole ovary. May it only be as annoyingly photogenic yet benign as my right boob.

  120. My dad has non-aggressive prostate cancer and gets all kinds of not-necessarilys from his doctor. For him and for the rest of our family, the ambiguity of it all can often be the most stressful thing. Not that we’re not glad that he doesn’t NECESSARILY have to treat his cancer until it gets worse … but, you know. The devil you do know versus the one you don’t and all that jazz.

    I hope you’re okay, and that you and Jacob’s pelt will go on to create many more hilarious photobombs together. (I know you said the wolf died of natural causes … SURE HE DID. I don’t blame you. That Jacob bastard was annoying as fuck.)

  121. Hey Jenny. After having one of those probe-ultrasound-things, I don’t necessarily have cancer, but then I had a blood test just so they can do another ultrasound in 6 months just to, you know, make sure I don’t necessarily have cancer either…sigh…

  122. and if it is any comfort to you I heard a report on the BBC today that said as people are now living longer MORE PEOPLE are getting cancer, so it would seem that as medical science, strives to ensure we live longer, the likelihood is that we are MORE likely to die a horrible death from some form of cancer – it’s good to share, don’t you think?

    Love Ya

  123. She probably just said “its not necessarily cancer” for that .000000000001% chance it could be slightly cancery. Because if she had said “its DEFINITELY not cancer” and it was then she would look stupid (and you know how docs hate that). This way its no pressure on her and all the stress on you. Doctors, like boyfriends, love being noncommittal. Don’t worry.

  124. I am quite necessarily crossing all digits and sending strong happy thoughts your way *hugs*

    …I suspect doctors take secret classes learning how to deviously avoid giving straight-forward-no-room-for-misunderstanding replies to any serious questions we ask them.

  125. I’m sorry your ovary tried to kill you. I have one that keeps trying to tunnel out of my body with a rusty spork, which I feel is totally unnecessary.

  126. sending you happy healing vibes…
    if it works, I’d like to borrow Wolf Blitzer though he’d probably scare the hell out of my cats.

    I’m coming down with something I think (I have fibromyalgia so I ALWAYS feel like this) but I’ve got the heat up to 75 and the thermostat says it IS, but I can NOT get warm…

    Maybe I need to put a couple of my live cats on top of me and hope that boy cat doesn’t tease the girl cat to insanity (he’s a little brother, he can’t help it) … cause then I’m the one that gets hurt.

    And stay away from WebMD they’ll scare you to death, the doctor will run two billion tests … and then tell you “It’s fibromyalgia”, or “contrary to House it IS Lupus” or “it’s something viral”….

  127. I went in for ovary (ish) pain and ended up without a uterus a few weeks later. Turns out, the ovary wasn’t the problem, it was my lumpy (fibroids) uterus.
    I do get ovarian cysts that hurt like freaking hell at times, but I kept those darn ovaries all the same.

    Hope your problem is, at most, a benign cyst that goes away easily (they sometimes prescribe progesterone for that.)

  128. Probably you have an ovarian cyst – harmless, but painful. I had to have my right ovary removed in 2008 after my doctor found a huge fluid-filled cyst on it. I’d been treated for cervical cancer when I was 25 and they couldn’t take the chance on draining it because there was a slim chance that it could be cancerous. Trust me, you never want to hear your doctor tell you that something that’s normally the size of a walnut is instead the size of a grapefruit.

    So I know where you’re coming from. Say the word ‘cancer’ to most anyone, and they will freak the fuck out. It’s a natural reaction. Me? I just say, “I kicked cancer’s ass once, I can do it again if I have to.” That’s not me being tough as nails and shit either. I refuse to be afraid of the specter of cancer. And by the way, I just celebrated my 37th birthday, and have been cancer free for 12 years now.

    I won’t tell you not to worry, but I think you will be fine. You might end up without an ovary if the one continues to be an asshole, but you can get by with just one. 🙂

  129. I went through months and months of ovary pain, to which my gyno’s diagnosis was “Angry Ovary”. That was literally the diagnosis she put in my chart after months of pain and tests. All that pain deserves a better name! Homicidal, psychopathic, even terroristic ovary seemed more appropriate (in fact, I am pretty sure my left ovrary has its underwear bomb strapped on and is a card carrying member of the Taliban!). Hopefully yours is just a little hostile too!

  130. I love the wolf “costume”. I showed it to my 15 year old son and he might actually go see Twilight if he got to wear a wolf pelt…it would help if one of sister’s hot friends wanted to go to….also just added Animals Behaving Badly to my Christmas list. I have to leave something for the family to get me-I’ve already bought myself the “Be Nice or I’ll Stab You” notebook for me (and the People To Kill one for my 17 year old daughter-she’s a props mistress and I think she’s going to use it for that, and no one at school can fuss at her because of the fine print. ) Nice shout out you and Copernicus got on Cake Wrecks, by the way. On the cancer thing, hope and pray it’s not-both for you (naturally) and for me. It’s been a sucky few months and you always make me laugh.

  131. Glasses are always half full Jenny, not half empty – otherwise slushies would be half empty all the time!! Don’t panic until you have to – love the wolf skin.

  132. I had cysts on both my ovaries earlier this year that started trying to kill me right before finals. It was awesome. Then I had surgery this summer to remove the cysts, and the surgery was done by a scary ass robot called the Da Vinci. On the up-side, the cysts weren’t cancerous, and I can say my scars are from a giant robot and not be lying.

  133. My ovaries aren’t trying to kill me, but the cysts on them are making me very unhappy, and I’m going through cancer screening myself. We’ll be fine.

  134. Oh Blogess, You simply may not have unnecessary cancer. As a giant, self-indulgent New Yorker, may I state (and I hope it’s for the last time), that that simply won’t work for me…and I’ve found that life works best when I get my way. Now, just tell your ovaries that you may not be unwell because I send your blog to unwell people on my church prayer list to get them to smile. And a small percentage of the time that works. If it doesn’t, I sent a picture of Wil Wheaton collating and that seems to do the trick. Be well. Be really, really well….blessings

  135. I know exactly what you’re going through right now. I went through the same process 2 months ago and as it turns out, I have necessary cancer (lymphoma). I’d be really pissed off if it was frivolous cancer because it has really been cramping my style and inconveniencing me. My doctors really left me in the dark at first, so one thing I can tell you: channel that wolf you wear and be tenacious, ask questions and don’t stop.

    Either way, whatever happens, I wish you the best. And always keep writing and making your readers laugh; reading your blog has definitely made me laugh through this!

  136. i hope you don’t have necessary or unnecessary cancer. and thank you for the comment on dolphins. i have always known there was something sinister about them .. (my family often tells the story about how i am convinced they will turn on you .. like that!)

  137. I am sure the doctor just picked a poor way to phrase what she said. You do so many things for so many people, and make all of us laugh – I suspect karma has your back on this one.

  138. Only you could be sick, get anxiety over it and STILL be funny. Kudos (on the funny, not the frivolous or non-frivolous cancer that you probably don’t have because laughter is the best medicine)


  139. You don’t have cancer Baby Girl! (See what I did there? Instead of just saying Girl, I said ‘Baby Girl,’ which is an affectionate nickname in my family and the equivalent of an online hug!) OK? You don’t. Period.

    P.S. You’ve got some freaky, crazy ass blog readers. But regarding the DaVinci, it’s real and may be the right solution if surgery is required:

    P.S.S. It’s been a rough 2011 for all of us Bloggess, but your blog has made me laugh and brought a smile to my face more than once. Thank you.

    P.S.S. You are loved. <3

  140. wolves don’t get cancer so you’ll be ok… i think.. but wolves also don’t get scanned and don’t live that long but i don’t want to make you more worried than you already are so let’s just say you your doctor has poor communication skills and needs to learn when to use the word necessary. C’mon doctor, even my 2 year old knows when it is necessary to go potty!

  141. I’m currently recovering from cancer although since I’m a guy it was necessarily not ovarian in nature. Thing is although cancer is sure a bugger it is usually treatable now so don’t worry too much about it. And by the way I have never even heard of anyone getting cancer in a wolf suit and I live way up here in Canada where there are wolves all over the place. (they don’t even pooper scoop after themselves)

  142. Jenny,

    I don’t know that this will do any good, but my wife had a homicidal ovary for years and years. (Actually, she still has it, but it is no longer so homicidal.) The doctors decided it was “twisted” (further proof that homicidal body parts aren’t always rational), and that there really wasn’t anything they could do – except give her pain meds when it got too much.

    I certainly hope you don’t end up with cancer – necessary or frivolous – and that the docs are able to do something to make that ovary behave itself.

    Hugs and prayers for you and your family (even Beyonce) this holiday season.


  143. Clearly the ovary is having some identity issues since it’s being an asshole. That’s what happens when neighborhoods butt up against each other–there’s some inevitable cultural sharing, which is really unfortunate when you’re talking about body parts.

  144. I’m not necessarily a doctor, but I play one in my head, and strongly dislike frivilous “un”diagnoses.

  145. I just got the same diagnosis from my doctor. “Well, the test we did for something else is fine, but there may or may not be something on your ovary. It’s not necessarily indicative of cancer.” WHAT. I’m sorry, but now that you’ve managed to freak me out and I get to go take more fun tests…gah.

    I sincerely hope it’s not necessary or unnecessary cancer for you. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. However, I am glad to see that other people get the same non-answer. Makes me feel a little better about my own situation.

  146. I hope it is just a cyst! Which luckily they check out with ultrasounds, so it probably won’t make you have cancer while checking you don’t have cancer… Good luck!

  147. You do not have any cancer. I know these things because I am a nurse. So this is a professional comment-sort of.
    Boy, sweetheart—you’ve really started something. Did you see Jon Stewart last night? He was talking about God closing doors and opening windows and badgers and peanuts on the other side of the window–what a crazy look on his face—That was YOU that he was talking to!!! Go watch!!

  148. OK Peeps. As a doctor and a specialist (not in girly bits–sorry) I have to say that doctors are not being assholes with no bedside manner when they tell you things like this. Why do we say stuff like this? Because ovarian cancer is a bitch. It has really random signs and symptoms (and often none until the horse is out of the barn) and there really is no way to know for sure until you get tests.

    The doc is being painfully honest because how pissed would you be if your doc just ran a bunch of tests without giving you any warning it could be cancer (HELLO MAJOR VIOLATION OF INFORMED CONSENT)? and then came back and said: Well shit girl, you have the big C?

    And equally horrible, what if you had ovarian cancer and you didn’t come back to get those tests because you thought you had a big exploded ovary and no one even mentioned that it could be something like cancer so you blew them off?

    And since she was asked about cancer specifically, she can’t really say “HELL NO” without running the tests…as much as everyone involved would like that to be a BIG NO…

    I have a sister and a really good friend who were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer recently. It sucks. There’s no easy way to tell or hear that news.

    Jenny- I hope it’s just a big exploding ovary. It PROBABLY IS just a big exploding ovary. Go get your tests and MAKE SURE it is just a big exploding ovary. Then your doctor can tell you HELL NO–it’s NOT cancer. And then we can all have wine slushees with you…Except it’s freezing where I am so I guess I will just have mulled cider while you have a slushee. 🙂

  149. I have an ovary that tried to kill me once. I don’t know if it’s the exact same but it got really bitchy and exploded and also it took out an artery. So if that’s the same as you, then just know that it hurt like a mofo for like a year after that whenever it was time for that ovary to release an egg. And sometimes randomly too. But I got to figure out exactly which ovary was going to be the wanna-be babymaker on which month, which was interesting. And I didn’t have cancer ever. Necessarily. Anyway, that was nine years ago. I’m fine now, but I’m still wondering if I have free-floating eggs just roaming around in there after the ovarian explosion. Feel better soon.

  150. I really think your bitchy ovary needs to settle down, as well as your anxiety. Anxiety is one of the biggest bitches around, by far. Be nice to yourself and tell little Miss Ovary and Big ol’ Anxiety to fuck off. I really hope the scans and docs and that fun stuff give you a real answer, and a really great answer asap. Cancer can just go suck it. Bloggess, I adore you!

  151. I ended up here because of today’s Cakewrecks and Copernicus. I now have a new blog to add to my “ways to waste time and do anything productive” daily routine. I like that.

  152. It’s a sad day and I’m panic attacking like crazy at the moment, but I can count on The Bloggess to lighten and brighten my day… or my night at this point. Thank you.

  153. That sentence about lying to yourself to protect yourself from yourself. I *totally* get that. I do that all the time. I try to tell myself to calm down and things will be ok but there is always that little voice in the back saying that I’m just telling myself that and it is all a big fat lie. I should listen to myself more often. I mean the calming one not the name caller.

  154. so one comment said cancer is decidedly UNfunny, but as someone who has beat the hell out of cancer, kicked its ass and refuses to let it rear its ugly head again, the hubs and i found lots of things about cancer hilarious…for example, i was diagnosed last year shortly before christmas. the hubs said i should ask santa for a titanium peg leg (my cancer was in my left calf) and told me that he’d get me an eye patch for christmas. i said i wanted a parrot too. he thought that was reasonable. he followed this up by taking me to see a group called hog eye navvy that sings old english sea shanties including one called “you can’t be a pirate with all of your parts” or something to that effect, the chorus of which i woke up singing in the recovery room after my surgery. i also accused my anesthesiologist of bringing explosives into the operating room. trust me, not only do you have the balls to give cancer the royal smack down, but also to find hilarity along the way!

  155. OMG im going through something similar at the moment. I had to have an IV contrast CT scan, my doc was doing the necessary warning of the risk thing and told me that one of the side effects was that the die they inject me with could cause my kidneys to shut down more, however the test was necessary to find out if my kidneys were shutting down, also if they are not shutting down, the die could cause them to do that. She didn’t appreciate it when i asked her why she wanted to kill my kidneys.

  156. i just recently got through the same freakin process. every appointment my dr would say every thing was “probably” ok and then order a more invasive procedure. it all ended with exploratory surgery to rule out female cancers. good news? no cancer. bad news? assload of bills to find out i don’t have cancer. crossing fingers for the same results for you! (maybe minus the bills?!)

  157. I had a shitheaded ovary once.

    I believe the technical term was cystic shitheaded ovary syndrome or something equally pedantic.

    The pain is significantly intense when one of those little bastards ruptures and I looked forward to my monthly trips to the emergency room with a fondness only one who experiences these little sojourns can truly appreciate.

    Eventually one of them went rogue and grew to the size of a florida orange before it eventually exploded and I got to have emergency surgery and subsequently get cheered for when I farted for the first time in three days.

    You sort of had to be there.

    I stopped taking birth control pills and never had a problem again.

    Get your husband fixed and take a load off.

  158. I’ve been going through some medical issues, and just went to a new doctor. He said, “Wow, sounds like you should have cancer, but you don’t…because if you did, you’d be dead by now.” How’s that for diagnostics?!?

    I’m seeking out a second opinion!

    Hope you are well and fine. Sending good vibes!!!

  159. “You may or may not have cancer” is a diagnosis you shouldn’t have to pay for. I mean, you already knew that, right?

    Anyway, I hope the truth is that you don’t. Have cancer. Or have to pay, either, for that matter, but not having cancer seems like a more realistic hope.

  160. I really hate the word cancer!!!i remember the worse things happen in my family…..hope you will be okay…

  161. Ugh! I just went through the scare crap myself. I’d think “oh, it’s nothing, I can’t possibly be sick”, and then 20 minutes later I would have dwelled myself into a fear spiral, and regained consciousness with fudge on my face and a last will and testament spelled out with alphagetty on the kitchen table.

    My rarely coherent blogging during:

    Don’t let your brain get to you, brains are assholes sometimes.

  162. Hi Jenny,

    Long time reader, never commenter. I monitor data for clinical trials, mostly of the ovarian/fallopian/peritoneal kind. In my experience, at least 90% of the women diagnosed with this kind of gyn cancer present with severe symptoms in the ER and have surgery the next day. It is almost never questionable.

    That being said, please be your own best advocate. Numerous scans are unnecessary and expensive. A biopsy, which is pretty non-invasive, would give a definitive answer.

    I had similar symptoms when I first started my job (5 years ago). I went into the ER and stayed in the hospital for 3 days. After 40 bajillion tests, they prescribed me xanax and told me I need to leave my work at home. I’ve never felt like such an asshole in my whole life.

    Wow, this is a lame comment. Sorry, but as a life-long hypochondriac, I know you’re probably really scared. Email me if you have any questions!


  163. My 7yr old son saw the pic with you in the wolf behind your friends and said “that kinda looks like you, is that you”
    “No, Tyler, I only WISH I had an incredibly cool wolf pelt like that”

    I am flattered that he thought I was you. You do totally rock and are one of my hero’s. 🙂

    Sorry about the ovary. I had ovary issues, ended up with a hysterectomy and only part of one ovary. BEST THING I EVER DID!

    And that whole necessary cancer thing … I had thyroid cancer … ya know those x-rays they take of your mouth at the dentists office … if I could sue I would cause I’m sure they didn’t help the situation any. 😉

  164. I’ve had things that weren’t necessarily cancer way more often than I’ve actually had cancer, so you’re probably good.

  165. Even ovaries without cancer are assholes. It’s our punishment for that whole Eve/Apple thing, remember? I have no doubt that yours will continue to be a benign pain in the ass for the rest of your life. Wow. I am super comforting.

  166. I read your tweets and blog but haven’t commented before. Hoping for the best possible results for you. But if it doesn’t go that way, I can tell you from personal experience that even the worst possible results can be dealt with, and are usually not as bad as fear can make them seem.

  167. DOOD! You got the wolf skin?!? That is awesome!! You know wolves are mystical creatures that are controlled by the moon, and the moon controls the water cycle, which is similar to the menstrual cycle, and our ovaries are like the moon to our bitchiness, so the close contact of you and the mystical-died-of-old-age-wolf hide is like a HUGE sign that it will protect your little bitch factories and keep them from mutating into gelatinous blobs that take over your entire body, so howl at the moon when you wear your wolfie hide, HOWL!!!
    Also? You do not have cancer.
    The end.

  168. Not true cancer, ok? the world needs you 🙂
    and… try alternative medicine… homeopathy and magnets can do wonders and miracles. Today I talked to a guy who puts magnets and he was telling me 8 out of 10 cases of ovary cysts dissappear with them…. ultrasounds can prove it. Don’t loose much by trying, right?! No idea if you have those in the US but I can ask…. I know 2 good guys w them where I live (just across the wall)….

  169. I love you. That goes without saying. I want you to know I HAD the same issues- same same same. Until I finally saw an Endometrial Specialist/and OBGYN. Being that I had cysts after cysts, with endometriosis which covered everything- bottom line- there is more to this ovary than you think. And please have them check everything, uterus, tubes and intestines..
    You mean a lot to all of us, we are just doing the same for you.
    Love- Brandi Rahill

  170. That is the best photo bomb ever!

    Hope your scans and tests bring good results. Virtual hugs headed your way.

  171. I have an ovary that’s been causing me anxiety for, literally, 25 years and it’s not cancer. It’s simply a naughty ovary.

    We all think we have cancer all the time. We don’t. Chill, baby. Be here now.

  172. Dear god, that wolf is the most magnificent thing I’ve ever had the honor to lay eyes upon. I want that wolf. I NEED that wolf! Does it have a brother that died of equally natural causes?

  173. After a few weeks of intense pain, my new ob/gyn told me that my ovary was cystic and I had fibroids. So one of my ovaries was removed–along with several fibroids–and the pain relief was immediate and incredible. The best part was that my ob/gyn photographed the things she removed, and a few shots of me cut open. It was gross and fascinating! Anyway, I hope you get the right diagnosis and fast treatment!

  174. Instead of trying to take your mind off things with a humourous aside (which I’m not good at a lot of the time anyway), I’ll just say that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and will put all the good vibes I can toward everything being fine. Sending love at ya!

  175. Oh pooh! I really hope you do not have cancer. But I’m sure you’re fine, those medical type people are always trying to screw around with us. I mean don’t they ever think that what they say…or may not say can affect us. Did I spell affect correctly? I don’t want to spell check it. <3 *hugs*

  176. I just want to say you’re hilarious and I love you and also, I too have an anxiety disorder and it’s a LYING BITCH. Please don’t worry too much. I know that’s difficult because it is certainly a chatty little bugger, but the chances of you being fine are MUCH higher than the chances of you not, so think about that. And seriously, tell your anxiety to take a flying leap because it is a massive waste of time and energy that could more profitably be spent torturing Victor with sharp birds and creative taxidermy.

  177. It was right around this time last year when I was having symptoms very similar to the ones I had a few years back when my gall bladder was rebelling against something or other. I went to the doctor, they did an ultrasound? x-ray? Don’t remember, but the result was me being told there was an abnormal curve on the back of my pancreas. “Abnormal curve”, in case you don’t know, is often code for “cancer”, and cancer of the pancreas is very lethal. Weeks passed as I went for other tests and waited to hear the results. The results, after a lot of waiting and even more phone calls, were that my pancreas was perfectly normal, just weird-looking. Whew.

    I hope your results are exactly like mine, only faster.

  178. Jenny, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Like everyone, I hope you don’t have necessary or unnecessary cancer. I’ll tell you a story about doctors, though. The Doc found something “funny” on my lung when I was in the hospital to *quit smoking!*. They needed to do more tests. I asked if there was anything not-terrible that this could be? His answer, was “no.” So, my DH and I braced ourselves for a bad outcome, hoping against hope (apparently) that it would turn out okay. And whadda ya know? It was fine. I did have something – sarcoidosis – but it’s not life threatening and hasn’t acted up at all since then. So, in retrospect, I wish he had answered “it’s not necessarily cancer.” That probably doesn’t help.

  179. Going to the doctor does not necessarily make you healthy. Or sick. But absolutely a super-paranoid schizophrenic. Ovaries really are assholes.

  180. Jenny, I hope that you are okay! BTW, I was just listening to Anderson Cooper, and he was calling Steven Colbert out for stealing HIS material on phallic symbols. Not joking.
    Kathy M., December 7, 2011

  181. This may be one of my favorite posts of yours. Plus I HATE the word necessarily, especially when I misspell it and have to scroll up to see the right way to spell it. Plus, know that I am sending thoughts and love from someone you don’t know. If that helps at all…

  182. Necessary or not…you are not allowed cancer. There I said it…so it is so.
    Photo-bomb away…you look awesome in wolf! Now that is necessary.

  183. I’ve been dealing with anxiety issues lately and nothing is worse than thinking you have cancer. I’m sorry 🙁 Even if it’s not necessarily cancer, the mind fuck of thinking you *might* have any kind of cancer while also dealing with anxiety is brutal. Thinking of you! Hope all is well and we can all laugh at this soon 🙂

  184. I had a similar experience earlier this year, hearing “probably not cancer” which rattled around in my brain for days, making me nuts, so I totally understand. I had to have a fairly major surgery to remove my ovary and the grapefruit sized terratoma inside it. That’s the kind with hair and teeth and I know you’re jealous, and no, they won’t let you take it home in a jar, I asked. Anyway, it was fine, recovery was amazingly quick and I’m totally fine now! So, try not to worry, the worry was worse than the actual thing itself. And maybe you can wear the wolf in the recovery room!

  185. Jen,

    It sounds like you need a laugh. I found this couple on Etsy and they have a really cool (and sick) nativity set. Their shop is “festishforethics”. Enjoy!

    Love the blog; especially the one about the PR man or should I say the Un-PR man. You go right on sending pictures of Wil Wheaton. Screw all the B’s (that’s both bastards and bitches).


  186. Necessary or not, cancer fucking sucks.
    Whether you turn out to have it or not, the wait to find out fucking sucks.
    Doctors who have to cover their asses because too many people, well, it fucking sucks too.
    But it’s my experience, that if they really think it’s cancer, holy getting every test in the book run ASAP. Like really … when they suspected my breast cancer, I was told to get a mammogram by the end of that week. And the biopsy was scheduled ASAP too. There was no fucking around. I still can’t get over how it took 15 days from doctors concern to getting results.
    I am necessarily sending you vibes that you don’t have cancer of any kind.
    And also I love that photo. And the wolf. That is awesome! =)

  187. Look, I don’t wanna be the one to jump the gun, but if the red wine consumption potential cancer treatment thing doesn’t go well, do you want to be taxidermied in a manner of James Garfield and the gang? Because this is the kind of shit you need to have clarified with Victor just in case. I understand it’s not a situation that any of us want to deal with for another 60 years or so, but I think your photobombing could get REALLY interesting after that….

  188. I would totally bounce a check (or con the money from someone) to buy that photo bomb, if it was a Christmas card. (hint, hint) Or just an anything card, really.

    I agree with the others that said this- wear the wolf to the scans/tests/whatevs. Everyone knows cancer is afraid of wolves. Duh.

  189. My cancer was so unnecessary. They found cancer in my breast, then I had a not necessarily cancer show up on my ovary after a scan. I don’t have an anxiety disorder, and I nearly grabbed the doctor by the collar, pulled the Rx pad out of her lab coat, and bullied her into prescribing me some Ativan, stat.

    It turned out to be an ovulating ovary, which soon shriveled due to the necessary chemo for my unnecessary breast cancer.

    Here is hoping that the power of the wolf suit just made your ovaries extra glowy. XO

  190. don’t laugh but I think I had what you have. Like this ovary, that made me go to the ER. Because it was being eaten by something….(I was just having pain and bleeding and it was NOT that time of the month). So I go and get an ultrasound. ANd the ultrasound guy is NOT joking…. and taking LOTS and LOTS of photographs. With lines and measures and crap. And I’m going ….”so that’s my liver right?” and “that’s a pancreas?” and “that’s not a tumor right?”. I even tried “so that a baby?”

    Then more scans. Then SURGERY. Then, “oh it’s this tumor and you need everything out”. (I was “why didn’t you do that?”) they didn’t do it because they thought I might want another baby, so I had another baby (I didn’t realise it was an OPTION, but now that the baby is all grown up I’m happy about it)…and then right before the BIG surgery they say “Um, it wasn’t the kind of tumor we thought it was.” HELLO?

    Seems they sent my tumor to the AIR FORCE (you send tumors to the AIR FORCE, and the AIR FORCE tells you what they are). The AIR FORCE, having planes and bombs and such, is the ultimate authority on what any tumor is, and mine was ok after all. Very rare, and indeed a cancer but as the AIR FORCE said, it was the “Right kind of ovarine cancer”. (who knew there were “good” cancers?). All your symptoms are “good” in that it probably means the whatever is IN the ovary and not on it. Because if it’s on the overy it’s sluffing off all over the place. If it’s contained (and that’s the ouchie kind) you get it cut out and then the AIR FORCE looks at it and goes “oh this is the good stuff” and you spend the rest of your life explaining to doctors “No that scar is not from an C Section… and if you want to know what kind of tumor call the AIR FORCE”.

    so PAIN GOOD. And AIR FORCE good. And, soon you will be good as new….or even better without that ovary. Sorry to share my story but I still think it’s cool my tumor now belongs to the AIR FORCE.

  191. My GYN made me cry for a month after breaking the news of an abnormal pap smear while handing me a handful a pamplets about cervical cancer, while saying “You probably don’t have it. . . . . . ” but here is a shitload of information to scare the hell out of you and make you think you’ll never have babies. I was 18.

    Hope you and your ovary makes friends again soon. Being a woman is already hard enough.

  192. For you and your readers. Ovarian cancer is usually not symptomatic, which is why it is so evil.
    One symptom which should always be followed up on immediately is if you get swelling in ONE leg only. Now, this does not mean “oh my god I think one leg is a miniscule amount larger than the other”. This is if you get one foot/ankle/leg that gets markedly bigger than the other.
    The kind of ovarian assholery you describe sounds a lot like ovarian cysts or endometriosis. If you have not previously had a transvaginal ultrasound….enjoy! Doctors have to use a lot of weasel words (we nurses do too), because being the “voice of authority” they are going to get quoted. That said, a good doc will sit and talk to you about the actual symptoms (or lack of symptoms) of whatever it is that is suspected or feared. These tossed out “reassurances” usually cause more anxiety than they prevent!
    I am a hospice nurse, which means that I also never just have a headache or joint pain – it is always a brain tumor or bone metastasis 🙂 I drive my doctor crazy.

  193. I had a necessary cancer and it turns out there is NOTHING better for telling people to STFU.
    “I think you should…” “Oh, really? Well, I had cancer and kicked its ass and you’re next.” [silence]
    “Look, it’s our policy…” “I’m sure it is. And before I had cancer I followed policies like yours.”
    Not that you have it, of course. But if you did, you’d beat it, and then you’d be even awesomer, if that’s possible.
    F*ck Cancer.
    That would be an awesome sign around Beyonce’s neck.

  194. Mother of small pink begonias! I just spent 6 hours reading your blog. 6 hours in which I could have planned world domination tactics, or baked triple fudge cookies, or done what I was supposed to be doing instead of giggling like a lunatic. Blog love is blooming in my tiny self.

    Is saying “it’s not necessarily cancer” kinda like saying “it’s not necessarily aliens”? I can’t decide which would be worse, cancer or aliens. “I’m sorry, you have a small alien civilization growing in your ovary.” God, now I can think of a whole rationale for why it’s aliens. Whichever it is (hopefully neither) I’m pretty damn sure you’ll kick its ass.

  195. There is something about the ‘c’ word that fucks with your brain.
    Do not allow that to happen sweetpea.
    You are very loved, and our love will keep you safe – if you let it.

  196. I’ll be back in Houston next week, you should totally photobomb me with that outfit. I’ll just take a bunch a pics the four days I’m there teaching, and I’ll expect to see that face in at least one of them, k? And don’t worry about not knowing what I look like, I’m sure you can read my expression if you happen across me. “There’s a funny lady in a wolf suit over my shoulder, isn’t there?” Clear as day.

  197. So I found out today that my dad has about 12 weeks left before he loses his fight with cancer, and this blog is the first thing that has made me smile all day. Keep being awesome.

  198. I gave my Doc a gag order when I was pregnant with my 3rd kid because all he wanted to do was tell me how women my age have 100000% more f***ed up babies than younger chicks. I had fallen for that crap with my 2nd child, and allowed him to give me blood tests that lead to all sorts of false positives which were only proven FALSE once my (healthy) kid was born. So the 3rd time around I literally shut him up if he ever said one more word outside of “how are we feeling today?”

    I’m not saying you should shut your doctor up.

    But on the other hand…

  199. Keep your head up(especially while dressed like the wolf, it looks like otherwise you’ll run into a tree or parked car or furry meeting otherwise)There are up-sides here. Examples: you get to be stoned on pain-killers all day with-out judgement, ppeople by you things out of sympathy, and of course, you can have the ovary taxidermied and hang it with the boars head. Play up the guilt angle either way, frivolous, possible cancer can earn you great things: breakfast (or lunch, or dinner) in bed, dishes done so you can relax, possibly even control of the tv remote. Cancer is un-funny, you are funny. By my calculations, this means that you are in the clear (or at least I want you to be. You make me laugh)

  200. At the risk of sounding like one of those chipper cunts we usually want to strangle for saying perky shit like this…as of this moment, you have not been diagnosed with cancer.

    So there’s that.

    Hang in there, honey.

  201. I trust the incisive, insightful, brilliant intellect Jenny hides behind the self-deprecating humor, but not every one of the countless folks who read this blog are similarly equipped. So, when someone thoughtlessly posts this:

    “try alternative medicine… homeopathy and magnets can do wonders and miracles. Today I talked to a guy who puts magnets and he was telling me 8 out of 10 cases of ovary cysts dissappear with them…. ultrasounds can prove it. Don’t loose much by trying, right?!”

    I am compelled to provide a serious response.

    My wife (and I) just went through a cancer scare. Turned out to be a very suddenly, very swollen lymph node from an acute viral infection. Thankfully, she went to a real doctor—who quickly diagnosed it as harmless AND still ran the labwork necessary to rule out less benign causes, just in case—rather than trusting her wellbeing to a quack based on a recommendation by a stranger on the Internet who heard something from the dogwalker down the street.

    My wife’s co-worker, one the other hand, just had a burst, leaking ovarian cyst removed the size of a large grapefruit, in emergency surgery which may very well have saved her life. Why did she find herself in such a plight? Because she spend months upon months “treating” her increasingly severe back pain with homeopathic remedies, magnets and other bullshit, refusing to have lab tests, a scan or even *see* a real doctor, because that was “Western medicine” and her “alternative practitioner “just knew” it was bad chi chi or ferengi sway or something equally ludicrous.

    So, while she spent months working on aligning her chai, gaining a magnetic personality (by strapping magnet belts around her pelvis) and scarfing down homeopathic “remedies” consisting of nothing but pure water or empty pills, her real body was screaming “see a fucking doctor, already”—but she didn’t listen, because her ears were stuffed with superstitious bullshit.

    How Quackery Harms Cancer Patients:
    What’s the Harm
    What’s the harm UK:
    Homeopathy kills:
    Homeopathy: “a kind of magic” that kills:
    A resource of information anyone promoting homeopathy should read first:

    As for magnets, I’ll recommend this analysis of Insane Clown Posse’s postmodern deconstructionist polymorphic critical studies masterpiece:

    Ignorance kills. Please practice safe thinking. Don’t ingest random information from unqualified sources and avoid spreading toxic flapdoodle on the Internets.

    Now, since I’ve harshed everyone’s mellow, I’ll leave you with a link to the animated version of Tim Minchin’s wonderful epic poem, “Storm”:

    Says it all. In rhyme.

    (Bonus bummer: If anyone still harbors illusions that “it can’t hurt, especially if you say it doesn’t work”, I strongly urge you to read “Steal this Chapter” by Ben Goldacre, about German vitamin shill Mathias Roth, who, after leaving a swath of ruin through Europe, continues to kill tens if not hundreds of thousands of South African AIDS victims by promoting and administering miracle cures while discrediting legitimate medicine & medical treatments with the cooperation of the unfortunate country’s most powerful & most superstitious men. Yeah, vitamins kill, too – when they are used in place of real medicine)

  202. My husband and I were watching “Hell on Wheels” last night, and the native american indian chief* was wearing THE SPITTING IMAGE OF WOLF BLITZER! Mike and I looked at each other at the same time and said, “Wolf Blitzer!”

    We love you so much.

    *(I know; that’s redundant, but “native american chief” sounds wrong and “indian chief” sounds politically incorrect.)

  203. I have an overy which tried to kill me too.
    It’s been put under house arrest. No talking, no calls and no emails to the uterus or other ovary. Harsh, but thats what you get for being an asshole.

    I hope you don’t have either kind of cancer.

  204. you could have what i have, which was a dermotid cyst.

    the good news is that it’s not cancer, the bad news is that they like to take them out anyway, since they can grow to the size of melons. mine was orange sized.

    the awesome news is that they are like weird alien babies. they usually have hair and sometimes teeth. i wanted to see mine, but in the uk it’s really hard to pull that kind of stunt. i’m pretty sure if you have this you can get them to put it in a pickling jar for you.

  205. I’ve never commented before because I’m shy (and you know you’re shy when you’re even shy on the internet) but I adore your blog and I really hope you don’t have cancer, necessary or otherwise.

    And I’m sure doctors have a policy of not definitively telling you you don’t have something until they’re absolutely sure you don’t have it. If only to avoid having to turn round and be all ‘Actually, you know that cancer we said you didn’t have? Bad news…’

  206. I had a similar situation (with the ovary; I never photobombed anyone wearing a wolf that died of natural and possibly frivolous causes) (although if I had how weird would THAT be?) (actually it would be pretty awesome, and now I’m kind of mad at myself for not making that happen; it’s like I’m NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE AWESOME) a couple of years ago. The ovary was an asshole, which led to an ultrasound, which showed “A LARGE MASS” and then I freaked the fuck out and so my doctor was all “yes, cancer is A POSSIBILITY” (which: the hell? My doctor was like the cancer optimist all “IT’S POSSIBLE” and your doctor is like the cancer pessimist all “IT’S NOT NECESSARILY CANCER” and personally I think the cancer-glass is best looked at half empty, and maybe this is why I am depressed right now and I should try to be more optimistic? OR MAYBE I AM PESSIMISTIC LIKE A FOX) and made plans to remove it, but then I ended up in the hospital and they did a CT scan, which was “not reassuring” and they finally operated and it was a mass the size of a baseball but it WAS NOT CANCER.

    The moral of this story is that 1) PESSIMISM IS YOUR FRIEND and 2) it’s POSSIBLE you’ll be totally fine like I was (or, if you prefer, you “won’t necessarily” not be totally fine, but that’s bad grammar, which is another strike against that phrasing).

  207. Jenny Darlin’, there are many, many things that cause ovaries to be assholes, inclination being the chief reason them, those mean-ass bitches. It’s extremely unlikely that cancer is an issue. If I had a nickel for every time some jackass with a medical degree offhandedly mentioned that I might have cancer…the ovaries I understand, but WTF is wrong with doctors?!

  208. Oh, bad ovaries – how dare they!

    Silly doctor, I totally agree with Kate Taylor above. Doctor being over cautious not wanting to take a leap either way in case they turn out to be wrong and then possible get sued.

    Positive thinking required until it’s all sorted out, which I know is hard when you suffer from anxiety disorder (as I do too) . Whatever the outcome unnecessary cancer or not there is a huge mass of positive thoughts, energy and love flowing in your direction.

    Take care and be kind to yourself.


  209. First- I hope all is well and they give you a real answer soon.

    Second- I’ve been told twice that my ovaries *might* have cancer and both times it’s been followed by, “Just Kidding!” So I’ll send you lots of ‘just kidding’ vibes.

  210. Why are doctors stupid? WHY? WHY ARE THEY SO STUPID?
    So I totally have this brain tumor thing (thanks, I’m fine) and when I went in to get my brain scan results my doctor was like “Everything looks great except for this tumor on your brain stem.” GUESS WHAT ISN’T GREAT? ANYTHING INVOLVING THE WORDS “TUMOR” and “BRAIN STEM”

    This is all by way of saying I’m thinking of you and sending non-cancerous vibrations your way and also that I’m sorry you had to go through that.

  211. I don’t think that shifty ovary has it in her. I mean, she tried once to kill you and failed. I don’t think she’ll do it again. Good idea to keep your eye on her though…. I do hope your doctor can tell you definitively that she (the ovary, not the doctor) hasn’t got any more tricks up her sleave (is an ovary sleave a fallopian tube?). Anyway, I hope you get a clean bill of health very soon!

  212. Yup. When you have anxiety disorder, you always seem to feel like you have cancer. Saying prayers that you are unnecessarily worrying about not necessarily cancer.


  213. Cancer is stupid. I know. I was recently diagnosed with it. I am a month into my chemo and radiation, and I have never been in more humiliating pain and discomfort than I am each day these treatments go on. But I’ve also never been more blown away by how much love and support there is in the world – especially in the blogging world. My blog keeps me positive and keeps me going through all of this – and dude! Your blog is WAY more loved than mine. You’ve got love and support coming from EVERYWHERE – whether you necessarily have cancer or not. Regardless of what the outcome is, you will continue to kick ass because you already do kick ass. When my doctor stood at my bedside and told me my pathology came back positive for cancer, there was not even a second where I wasn’t 100% sure that the next step was simply beating it.
    So that’s what I’m doing. And if you have to do that, you’ll do it, too. With style. And snark. And awesomeness.
    Lots of love to you!!!

  214. Some years ago, my wife had a tumor a little larger than a golf ball in her abdomen. They were unable to get a good sample with the biopsy needle, so they went in and removed it, treating it as if it were a cancer tumor (meaning they cut a larger swath to make sure they got it all).

    After examining it in the lab, they determined it was endometriosis instead. Here’s hoping you get a firm diagnosis before someone wants to do surgery,

  215. That ovary really IS an asshole. Also, as always, the comments on this blog are as spectacularly awesome as the posts themselves. I love me some witty bitches.

  216. Sorry about all this, b. But…I have an inspiring anecdote! So, I was super dizzy and tired two summers ago and went to a fancy-pants neurologist (ultimately) in NYC and *he* told me that I definitely didn’t have MS (after mentioning all the things it could be). And then a few months later, after many scans, it turns out I do have MS. Sooooo, I think it’s better to have an honest, equivocating doctor, as like a kharma thing. God gets pissed when doctors make definitive statements out of their asses. True fact. (Crossing my fingers for good results.) xoxo

  217. Been there, done that. Except “not necessarily cancer” from the doctor came with urgent tests and an “indicative of malignancy” note on the paperwork. Try not to pre-freak, or stress too much. Easier said than done of course, but sometimes even when it looks like it can’t be anything BUT the worst it ends up surprising you. I was preparing myself for the inevitable death sentence, but after all the poking and prodding, it wasn’t cancer. I hope you get the same happy ending!

  218. I think Wolf Blitzer is the perfect accessory for the holidays. You should wear him to all your holiday soiree. Think of all the fun you could have have a lot of fun fucking with the minds of the drunks. Ho ho ho.:)

  219. Why do doctors say things like that? I think it’s part of their training or something. I am sure you will be fine and that is an Awesome Photobomb. Plus, you have that great wolf pelt that will scare away any cancer all on its own.

  220. My mom got the “it’s not necessarily cancer” talk this time last year. In fact, one year and 21 days ago, I spent the better half of my best friends birthday outside the bar bawling my eyes out because I thought mym mom would certainly die. It’s terrifying, they had found a “not necessarily cancerous mass” in her lung and could not figure out the cause. They finally did, and as luck would have it…it wasn’t (necessary or not) cancer, she has “Lady Windamere (sp?) syndrome”, which although scary, a cocktail of meds should take care of it.

    So buck up little camper, not only is it likely that it’s not cancer, but you’ve got like a gazillion people praying, and sending their good vibes your way! Also, think of it this way, if there is a problem, it’ll never be as bad a cancer, so…glass half full?

  221. Hopefully, they’ll soon find out that you don’t have cancer (neither the necessary nor the unnecessary one). I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

  222. I am sorry I was so confused on my earlier comment. I called your Little Miss Ovary a bitch. You so rightly stated right away that she is being an asshole. And an asshole is worse than a bitch. I hope Ovary decides to settle down and just be an ovary again.

  223. My doctor starts every visit by walking in and announcing “You don’t have cancer.” Once she had one of those newbies shadow-studying her (the girl had the total look going: hair pulled back, glasses, carrying a clipboard) and in they walked, “You don’t have cancer. How have you been?” and starts shaking my hand. Newbie looks confused for a second and my doctor turns to her and says, “She’s the most anxious patient I have.” Would you like her card? She’s awesome. Plus, she’s got this cool accent.

  224. True story: When I was seventeen, a doctor told me I probably wouldn’t live to graduate from college. Then she forgot to tell me that all the drugs I was taking to make me comfortable until I died had actually made me better, so I probably wasn’t going to die after all, unless it was from a freak bowling accident.

    Now I take everything with a big grain of wolf. Awesome picture.

  225. I send you love and hugs, my dear, and a calming presence.

    I also have to say I’m with #246, “have to be anonymous.” I’ll explain more when you find out exactly what’s going on and tell us.

    In the meantime, there IS one homeopathic remedy that actually works — Bach’s Rescue Remedy — it alleviates shock. GNC and other health food stores carry it.

  226. I hope everything goes well for you. I used to work in oncology and found it gut-wrenchingly difficult. My sense of humor was helpful and it sounds like you are still able to joke about it too thank God. I also have an anxiety disorder so I totally relate. My mind can easily spiral from having a hangnail to thinking I have end stage cancer.

    I am wishing you all the best! Please keep us posted! You have a huge virtual community that cares about you as well as the people you are connected with in person. Stay strong!

  227. You are so unnecessarily hilarious.

    Several years ago I didn’t necessarily have ALS or MS. I did find out that I “most likely” had RA, though. Although the not necessarily ALS or MS gave me a completely unnecessary anxiety attack.

  228. Keep making yourself laugh – a lot. Laughter brings joy. Joy brings encouragement and before your know it, you’re confirmed to be cancer free laughing your ass all the way to the bank.

    I don’t think that cliche worked here, but I’m pretty sure you catch my drift.

    God I love cliches.

  229. Having had both unnecessary and necessary cancer, I can tell you a sense of humor is the 2nd most important part of the entire ride. The MOST important thing is to be hard to kill. And you, wolf bombing, large chicken loving, psycho monkey posing lady…YOU are hard to kill. And so is your cat. I wouldn’t worry. Wait, you have anxiety disorder. Strike that. Get drunk instead. The good news is that necessary cancer GIVES you anxiety disorder, which you already have, so to quote Forrest Gump, “So, you know. One less thing.”

  230. I need to make a gyno appointment thanks to some ovary (I think) related hilarity a few days ago that did not land me in the hospital and I’m terrified about it. My anxiety disorder already has me convinced that I have cancer, will never have children, and will die, and having my sister tell me that she’s had a cyst before and that’s probably all it is hasn’t help shut up those thoughts. My prayers are with you and your bastard ovary.

  231. I can’t say enough good things about my gyno oncologist in Dallas – Alan Stringer. If you do have cancer it would be worth the trip. That man is a genius!

  232. I don’t know what kind of scans you’re getting, but if it’s an MRI or an ultrasound, there’s no radiation involved, so breathe easy! X-ray or CT won’t really show soft tissues like ovaries, so there’d really be no point using them. Now, if they’re doing a nuclear medicine study, then they inject radioactive stuff into you, so you become radioactive (!!!!!) for a short time. Unfortunately I’ve yet to hear of anyone getting awesome superpowers from this. I personally would refuse to pay the bill unless I got superpowers, but I don’t think doctors smile on that…

    Hope it’s not cancer! My life would be a dark place without your blog.

  233. I’m sure others have said similar to you already but I’ll throw in my “don’t worry, it’s probably nothing, even though we have no way of confirming that, but statistically it probably is nothing, but mostly we just want you to not freak out…which you’re going to anyways.”

    In March/April I had noticed a big mass type thing in my tummy. As in, I could feel it from the outside. I did the head in the sand thing and just assumed it was fat…a harder fat, I guess. But when I stopped in to a local Doc for a sinus infection I did the old, “Hey while I’m here…is this normal?” UH…how about no?

    Fast forward to May 9th, and I ended up having a (benign, thankfully) cantaloupe sized ovarian cyst removed, along with the my uterus, one ovary, and other assorted lady bits. Cut from stem to stern to get the fucker out, but worth every stitch, pain, and dollar. They left me the “good” ovary, but no more periods!!! I used the whole experience as a catalyst to get my shit together health-wise, and as a result have stated doing (sport class, let’s not get carried away) Adventure Races, have run a 5K (slowly) and have lost just shy of 50 lbs.

    That said, I had that two weeks of “is it or isn’t it?” and yeah, it sucks. But it IS much more likely to be benign and hey, silver lining (if you do have to go the hysterectomy route)…no more periods!!!

  234. Only you can be sick, have anxiety about it, and STILL be funny. Kudos (on the funny, not the frivolous or non-frivolous cancer that you probably don’t have because laughter is the best medicine)


  235. I so get this post!
    I had this a few years back with some thing on my cervics. The doctor said to me when I came back for a check up and I was all nervous that “I thought we decided that we weren’t going to think it was cancer”. I’m sitting there thinking that I sure as hell couldn’t remember us making a joint decision about not thinking it was cancer and that personally I had spent a whole month worrying about that it wasn’t necessarily cancer but could be cancer because we were waiting to see if it was cancer.

  236. My 22 year-old daughter has an ovary that is trying to kill her too, except she told me the ED doc told her her cervix “exploded”.

    Clearly a exploding cervix is a huge issue and possibly a new medical phenomenon, so I got slightly excited. But once my nursing skills returned to my brain, I figured this probably wasn’t the case and figured out it was a ruptured ovarian cyst. *medical yawn*

    Here’s hoping for no cancer, essential, non-essential or even spectacular.

    And Amy at Reply #39 with her essentially normal brain….I laughed very much out loud over that one!! Congrats!!

  237. would it help you to know that right now i am on day three of my anxiety attack after visiting my doctor only to find out that it is “highly unlikely” that i have ass cancer but i need to be seen by a gastroenterologist “just to be sure”?

  238. I don’t think I’d consider that a “photo-bomb”. Probably more like a “photo-win” because the wolf suit is awesome.
    I’ll be praying for you. And crossing my fingers…and toes. Just to be safe.
    Hugs and love.

  239. I just found you about 6 weeks ago and look forward to every post. I know you will keep us posted on your necessary procedures. Hang in there.

  240. there IS one homeopathic remedy that actually works — Bach’s Rescue Remedy — it alleviates shock. GNC and other health food stores carry it.

    And you’ll need to alleviate the shock you’ll get from paying more per ounce for half water, half cheap brandy (as a “preservative”) than you’d pay for the world’s most perfect diamonds.

    Yeah, I guess anything that is about 25% alcohol might make you feel better for a bit – unless, of course, you are one of the millions of people for whom alcohol is dangerous and harmful even in small amounts.

    But, you can just mix that shit at home for pennies, rather than pay hundreds of dollars per ounce for “Rescue Remedy”.

    The eagerness to swoop in like politicians at a pork auction, and provide free advertising for utterly unregulated “alternative” remedies that do nothing but line the pockets of Big Pharma is truly remarkable.

    Hell, ounce for ounce, you could probably buy your own politician outright for what you pay for an ounce of Bach’s rescued brandy diluted 50% with just water. And i’m not talking about GOP presidential candidates, I’m talking about real politicians, you know, with a pulse and all.

    If you really buy the notion that soaking magical flower petals in water for a bit – selected based on the “vibrations” they send out to the picker – and then diluting that water, with its’ “memory” of of whatever “psychic essence” (aka Bug shit? Aphids? Deepak Chopra?) is left behind, to the point that not a single molecule of the it remains, then, by all means, go ahead and pluck a few petunias from the back yard and throw them in with the water and Hennesy’s.

    Perhaps the best thing to suggest to someone dealing with either a benign cyst or cancer, is for them to start selling this crap, fast, so that they can make enough money to buy the best legitimate health care money can buy.

    Hey, Jennie, Let’s go into business. We’ll put a glass of water in the same room as Copernicus for a day, then we’ll dilute it more than the Avogadro number, and, using the homeopathic “science” of “like cures like”, we can sell tiny bottles of the water with the “memory” of the original water (that was in the room with Copernicus for a day) for big bucks as “protection against strangulation by stuffed monkeys”.

    Ooh, ooh, even better – since the “alternative medicine” industry isn’t even slightly regulated, we could completely skip the step of putting the original glass of psychic water in the same room as Copernicus. You could just send psychic vibrations, to my water faucet and I can bottle the shit right here. And why bother with Hennesy’s? I’ll just rinse out some Rolling Rock empties and use the swill as a “preservative”.


    Bach Remedies

    These are homeopathically prepared (highly dilute) products said to have been developed during the 1930s by Edward Bach, a British bacteriologist and homeopath . Ellon USA, Inc., of Lynbrook, New York, states that Bach “believed that the only way to cure illness was to address the underlying emotional causes of disease.” This company markets an “emergency rescue formula” for “calming and stabilizing emotions” and a line of 38 “flower remedies” said to alleviate negative emotions. The Rescue Remdy is also said to be “of great benefit to all animals, no matter how large or small” and “useful in easing the trauma of transplanted plants, falling flowers, or injured trees.” The various remedies can be selected using Ellon’s 116-item “self-help questionnaire.” Someone who feels overwhelmed with work, for example, is advised to take the product called Elm, whereas someone who has strong opinions and is easily incensed by injustices is advised to use Vervain. An Ellon competitor describes its Rescue Remedy as “the one product you need to take care of all kinds of emergency emotional stress.” This company’s catalog states that this product “helps center the emotions until the crisis is past” and depicts it as useful for: (a) a woman under stress because her computer “froze,” (b) a mother coping with a cranky toddler, (c) the partner of a doubles tennis player who missed a few shots, (d) participants in a minor auto accident, and (e) a man racing to board a plane who suddenly realizes he forgot to pack his suit and left his keys and ticket at home. A few companies market additional products they say are based on Bach’s principles.

    Flower remedies are also promoted through books, seminars, private practitioners, and telephone consultations. Some proponents state that the remedies can “balance out the body’s subtle energy fields” and “prevent disease before physical symptoms develop.” Of course, neither the theories nor the products make any sense.

    How Rescue Remedy Works (or Doesn’t Work)

    Edward Bach, a quack homeopathic physician, believed that he had a psychic connection to plants, and that different trees and flowers told him that they were capable of healing the body of every imaginable disease. He believed that all human diseases were caused not by infection or cell mutation, but by imbalances in the soul’s energy. By Bach’s theories, the plants he gathered were each capable of restoring the body’s energy in their own way.

    Each of the flowers used in Rescue Remedy and other Bach Flower Remedies are suspended in water, then left in the sunlight. As with other forms of homeopathy, the flower-water is then diluted to extreme, so that no molecules of the original substance are actually found in the blend. The resulting “flower remedies”–actually just water— are then diluted with peach brandy, mixed, and sold as Rescue Remedy.

    Rescue Remedy was not developed using the scientific method or any other credible evaluation of its efficacy. Considering that it does not contain a single molecule of a medicinally active substance, it is abundantly clear that, even without studies or review, Rescue Remedy’s effectiveness is limited to that of a placebo.

    What Rescue Remedy Studies Say

    Several sources, including the companies that manufacture Rescue Remedy and other Bach Flower remedies, have attempted for decades to create a double-blind, placebo-controlled study confirming that Rescue Remedy works. Disappointingly for consumers and sellers of the so-called flower essences, not a single peer-reviewed study has confirmed its efficacy.

    One recent review of the multiple clinical trials* concluded bluntly:

    “The hypothesis that flower remedies are associated with effects beyond a placebo response is not supported by data from rigorous clinical trials.”

    While most of the studies constructed to confirm the effectiveness of Bach’s flower remedies suffered from low control group sizes and underfunding, their findings were still disappointingly consistent: Bach remedies, including Rescue Remedy, are only as effective as a placebo in reducing stress, anxiety, physical illness, and psychological problems.

    So why do Rescue Remedy buyers keep going back to it? The placebo effect is a powerful force in both conventional and alternative medicine. The introspective ritual of saying to oneself, “I am upset, so I’ll take my Rescue Remedy” is a soothing and calming act, but it is the action– not the product– that creates the illusion of calm.

    Sources Used: Ernst E (2002). “Flower remedies”: a systematic review of the clinical evidence”. Wiener Klinische Wochenschrift 114 (23-24): 963-966. Wood, Matthew (2000). Vitalism: The History of Herbalism, Homeopathy and Flower Essences. Richmond, Calif: North Atlantic Books. Vickers AJ (1999). “Independent Replication of Pre-Clinical Research in Homoeopathy: A Systematic Review”. Forschende Komplementärmedizin6: 311-320. Barnard, Julian (2004-04-30). Bach Flower Remedies Form and Function. Lindisfarne Books. pp. 308-309. Walach H, Rilling C, Engelke U (2001). “Efficacy of Bach-flower remedies in test anxiety: a double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized trial with partial crossover”. J Anxiety Disord 15 (4): 359-66.

    *Ref: Ernst E (2002). “”Flower remedies”: a systematic review of the clinical evidence”. Wiener Klinische Wochenschrift 114 (23–24): 963–966. PMID 12635462

    Hey, if everyone’s favorite Serbian butcher can reinvent himself as an “alternative medicine guru”, can’t we all? Who better to understand about cleansing your Chakra Khan than Radovan Karadzic, inventor of modern-day ethnic cleansing?


  241. Sounds like doctor speak for “We’re covering our asses by neither confirming nor denying” .If everything has to come out make sure you get a bell to ring so someone can come help you when you needed it. My hubby gave me a whistle. It was hysterical. I also filled the freezer with my favorite frozen dinners knowing the hubs attempts at Tuna Helper would make me sicker than I was before.

    You, my friend, will be fine. You are ornery to get sick.

  242. Well, and with all those radioactive wolves popping up these days, we’re lucky we haven’t all gotten cancer rabies. So, now, you can totally feel better.

  243. I’ve been diagnosed as a fainty person. By that, I mean that I went to see a nurse about the fact I fainted twice in two weeks and got told that, “some people are just fainty people.” Um… thanks for that wonderful piece of wisdom.

    Good luck with your necessary cancer.

  244. Honestly, I think doctor’s just like to fuck with people. A few years ago I went to see my doctor about these chronic headaches I was getting and she was all “are there any other symptoms?” and I said no and no word of a lie she said hmmm “Well, it doesn’t *sound* like a brain tumour…”

    I hadn’t even considered it until I went to the doctors, and now every time I get a headache I’m all “Shit. Is this the tumour I may or may not have?!”

    And this is why I no longer go to the doctors.

  245. Once I was diagnosed with some disease with a ridiculous name and the Dr went ‘just because you have it doesn’t mean you’re sick with it’. A month later it turned out I had nothing. Doctors don’t necessarily know what they’re talking about 😉

    My thoughts for you are always and very necessary loving and supportive ones 🙂

  246. You poor thing. Ovaries are bitches. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mum has cancer. Not the necessary kind either. It sucks hairy balls. I’m sure you will be fine though. You have to be cause we love you more than crack. Not that I’ve necessarily tries crack…

    Ps. You should have a ‘like’ button on people’s comments. Your readers are damn funny!

  247. Jenny, can we hire you for photo-bombing? It would be the coolest… next wedding I have to go to, I’d take you to ruin all their pics. AS A GIFT, offcourse. I’m not all that mean. Sort of.

  248. I just found you. Erica O’Grady told me there was a crazy woman around here, and I should head on over and see what’s what.

    Doctorly pseudo prognoses kill more people than cancer by the stress alone.

    They are covered by malpractice insurance, but not by malopinion insurance. Therefore, as your baseline, consider them all idiotic brainwashed dolts trying to make a buck as your baseline. It’s safer than taking their declarations seriously a very high percentage of the time.

    When a doctor tells you have cancer, just slap him for being rude and leave. (If he’s a she, you can’t do that if you’re a guy, of course. Only pussies hit girls unless they are wielding knives, claw hammers and the like.) They are 90% wrong half the time. Or pretty close, I think. If you end up really actually having cancer, you can blame the cancer on such behavior. If you don’t actually have cancer, maybe that mofo will think twice about laying such heavy inaccuracies upon folks.

    I like your writing. You’ve got some mighty fine spunk going there. Keep on being yourself.

  249. Whatever you do, stay away from WebMD, it’s only caused trouble in my life…

    On a different note, I thought this blog cured cancer, so you should be the last one to have it ever, right?

  250. For some reason, “It’s not a tooma!” from Kindergarten Cop keeps going through my mind.
    Here’s for you to go harass a bunch of housekeepers instead.

  251. Sorry about the asshole ovary and all that. But my concern lies with the photobomb.

    Awesome picture. But the dress looks a little…odd. It’s almost like you were actually naked in this picture (under the wolf skin, of course) and later drew in the dress to protect our delicate sensibilities. Of which we have none, so it was an effort you could have spared yourself. If you are going to naked photobomb people, own it! Be proud!

  252. My father once went to our family doctor when he was about 40. He’s a smoker. He was then, and he still it.
    Anyway, he’s got a really back cough and obviously a cold. Our family doctor, a dingleberry incapable of setting a broken bone (my friend’s father had to have HIS leg broken again after two months because our village doctor was too retarded to do it) listens to his lungs and says the following, IN THIS ORDER:

    1) “It very well could be lung cancer.”
    2) “Yup, it’s highly likely that it’s lung cancer.”
    3) “Then again, it could be pneumonia.”
    4) “Bronchitis is also a slight possibility.”
    5) “Might be just a bad cold.”
    6) “We’ll have to do some tests to find out. In the meantime, take these antibiotics.”

  253. If you get your ovary taken out, I think you should get it taxidermied to make it look like one of those tap dancing raisins from the 80’s. Top hat and cane, too. Then put it on ebay… I bet you would make MILLIONS!!!

    But I doubt it’s cancer… everything I just said is recreational… just in case putting up road signs of unicorns gets old.

  254. 6 year survivor of ovarian cancer – my diagnosing doctor told me, “i’m glad you already have kids because this seems to be much harder for me when the patient doesn’t already have kids.”
    And humour is the best medicine.

  255. Necessary Cancer ain’t no thing. Like you said, it the frivoulous cancer that’s a bitch. Keep your head up woman!

  256. I’m sending you good, necessary, uncancerous thoughts. Also, some unnecessary ones, too, because why not? They’d just get moldy and rot and then I’d have to take out the garbage and I really hate doing that.


  257. I’m not sure exactly what happened to you (and your ovary), but I wish you the best. I had surgery in April for ovarian torsion and they ended up removing one of my ovaries. The pain was IMMENSE and no amount of painkillers helped. I went from being totally fine to wanting to cut my insides out in a matter of an hour. I hope this isn’t case with you….maybe it’s just cysts

  258. i’m sure it’s been done to death by now but, if you don’t necessarily have cancer then you don’t necessarily have to worry!!

    love n hugs gal, as a fellow anxiety sufferer, i know i would spend the next several days crying in a corner. be strong, you have so many people who love you

  259. Nothing is not necessarily, for example the photo. If you didn’t let us know you were the sheep in the wolf’s clothing I would have not necessarily tossed and turned all night trying to figure out…never mind…somethings are a given !

    Here’s an ethernet hug anyway…shush…don’t tell Victor I gave you a…I Luv U HUG.

  260. That wig is TOTALLY you! Over-the-top and probably inappropriate, but totally gorgeous and totally you – extra teeth and all!

  261. Pharmaceutical & Insurance companies have placed physicians in a precarious situation when dealing humanely with patients … or … more likely, doctors are just assholes. Last week I thought?? I had kidney stones, or maybe my gall-bladder or appendix decided to escape my body -> the pain was excruciating! The VERY first QUESTION my doctor asked me when I went in for an emergency visit was -> “Have you found a Psychiatrist yet?” That being said, I ran out of that medical facility like a bat outta hell and found a new doctor. Thanks for your heartwarming humor and honesty with your life experiences! Hang in there beautiful!

  262. I had a cancer scare when I was 21. It sucked, waiting for the tests and the results, wondering if any little ache or pain or stomach ache (usually caused by binge eating of ice cream) was a Sign I Had It.

    Ended up I didn’t. Yes, my uterus tried to kill me. But it wasn’t a long-term assassination plan. More a spur-of-the-moment escape attempt.

  263. I need for you to not have cancer. I also need your ovary to FUCK OFF because it’s being an asshole and although I don’t normally like to say that about ovaries I think it’s important to point it out in this case because it’s pertinent to my first point about the importance of you not having cancer.

    Also I think next time you have xrays you should sneak in with that wolf on and really fuck with the poor xray techs who will have to figure out why you have wolf disease.

  264. Oh, shit, Jenny…..

    Look, normally I read all the comments first, THEN comment, myself.

    I had a scare last week…Had blood work for hepatitis (WTF?) which came back fine (as did the blood work for my prostate….so YOU do the math regarding MY confidence in the medical field and stuff), and also another ultrasound on my liver, because my enzymes where high. (My third one, mind you.) I’m fine. YOU will be fine. Don’t let the medical profession freak you out, ok? Seriously.

    Mad love for you, girl…keep on keeping’ on….!

  265. I really don’t like you being told you don’t necessarily have cancer. Even if it was by a sweet and awesome doctor who said it calmly. But don’t mind me…this isn’t necessarily a real comment.

  266. Perhaps your doc doesn’t necessarily know how to speak to you because he suffers from lupophobia and your wolf overwhelms him and he doesn’t realize it’s quite dead, from a necessary cause, and that he really has nothing to fear. See? Anyway fuck cancer. It’s dumb and dull and only understands a rejection after being firebombed. Like THAT guy at a party who keeps talking to you even after you’ve excused yourself 13 times to go to the wc.

  267. I personally think you totally upped the awesome quotient of that photo. And also, vague medical diagnoses suck.
    P.S. I had to Google how to write the plural of diagnosis. Because who ever uses that in real life? I mean, other than doctors, which I clearly am not…

  268. Totally sympathetic with the ovary killing you thing, just had to get one of mine out because it kept punching me too. Damn ovaries. Apparently they’re like kidneys though, you don’t need both. And my ‘not necessarily cancer’ tumor (scary word!) turned out to be not cancer at all … after months of thinking it was. Hope yours turns out to be not cancer too!

  269. Long time reader, first time commentor. Darlin’, you most likely don’t have cancer, necessary or otherwise. Cancer doesn’t cause pain until very late stage 3 or early stage 4, according to my gyno friends. (Yes gynos have friends, just very weird ones, like yours truly.) I went through something similarly a few years back. If they’ve done a simple CBC (blood test) they can tell right away you don’t have it by a lack of elevated white blood cells. I assume they did this right away in Hawaii when your ovary tried to detonate. If you were stage 3 or 4, you would have dropped A TON of weight recently, the only good side effect. The doctors would have freaked the fuck out on you and started injecting dye and other gross stuff into you, then put you into weird-assed machines. You have generalized anxiety disorder, (I do too, btw,) and it’s a bastard fool that lies it’s ass off and tells you things like you have a terminal condition, when you don’t. But try to enjoy the internal doppler experience. Weirdest. Test. Ever. Created by a man, I’m sure. Who else would want to stick something so heinous into your girl zone and take movies? This too shall pass, just like your wolf friend. By the way, you make him look marvelous! This comment won’t help. Nothing helps when plagued by a brain that turns on you when you need it to reassure you, but we all care and are holding our breath waiting for the results of the tests the mad scientists will plague you with in coming days. Don’t worry about us though. We look great in blue.

  270. I *did* have cancer at one point, but it was totally necessary. I think it was the only valid excuse I could ever have for getting some freaking rest. I lived, by the way 😛

  271. Hi my friend Jenny,

    Don’t you DARE have cancer! I’m in rehab right now. I tried to beat up and apparently kiss cops. I can’t take it if you have cancer so don’t be selfish.

  272. I fOund this post to be funny, but not nessecarily have unessecary nessecary cancer. But because it’s 4 am and instead of sleeping I’m reading blogs…because of my anxiety. I got in bed hours ago and instead of drifting into a nice sleep my brain decided to have a little fun.

    Brain: hey what if, when you go to the store tomorrow to by ingredients for Christmas cookies, there’s a crazy man with a gun?
    Me: that would be really bad
    Brain: what if you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean? No boat, no life vest.
    Me: but I’m not even on a boat right now
    Brain: doesn’t matter. It could happen
    Me: OMG you’re right!
    Cue racing heart, tightening chest, difficulty breathing. My brain views this a sign to continue presenting horrific yet plausible scenarios .

    Please ignore typos in this comment. I’m on my phone, it’s late, I’m stranded in the middle of the fucking ocean. In fact, just ignore this comment entirely.

  273. I have only recently found your blog. Sometimes it makes me laugh so hard I cry. I hope you don’t have cancer.

  274. The more I look at this picture the more I love it– two lovely ladies in a beautiful picture of lasting friendship, the sort of thing that goes on the mantle in a silver and mother of pearl frame and then BAM! LADY IN A WOLF SUIT!

  275. I like the fact you can find humor in your situation, regardless of how cynical the humor may be. I just started my blog last week and one of the stories I plan to write about is a “not necessarily cancer” tumor I had a couple years ago. The docs in my situation actually told me, “if it’s cancer” you will likely have less than 3 weeks to live. Really! As you can see, I’m still here; therefore it was not cancer. It was a teratoma on my right ovary. I named it, Arnold Krueger. A teratoma is a monster tumor for those of you who don’t know. Good luck with your situation and I pray you will find that is not the, “necessary cancer.”

  276. My Mom got cancer once, but it wasn’t necessary. Though after she got it, it became necessary for her to kick its ass. So she did.

  277. I guess the important thing to find out is what is necessary for your ovary. Since necessity seems to be part of the problem, once you give it what it needs, it should stop acting up at you.

  278. Don’t worry…if you do end up with cancer, like I did, you will hopefully survive, like I did. Then you can go a bit weird, like I did, and write a blog post about something taboo like sperm banking that you really probably shouldn’t have, like I did…

  279. I hate it when they say shit like that. I have an appointment this week for my lady parts because something was slightly, SLIGHTLY abnormal. Bitches.

  280. I’m glad you don’t necessarily have cancer. I’d be sad if you did. But tell that asshole ovary to stop being such an asshole!

  281. Had same symptoms… test results… possible cancer.
    turned out to be endometriosis…. very weird, but better than cancer!
    New years day last year, I could not stand… I thought… “Oh God…. have you really punished my drinking in this way?”
    No, he punished my ovary with a strange growth…. that I will always have to deal with!

  282. This IS a lot of cancer going around! I just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago! Here’s a song about it. It’s called I Got Boob Cancer (a ditty). My husband wanted me to call it I Got Boob Cancer (a titty ditty). I regret not listening to him:

    Also, thank you got giving me a great question to ask at my first oncologist appointment on Wednesday. I can’t wait to find out if my boob cancer (at the age of 33) was necessary.

  283. Jenny, good luck with the not necessarily cancer scans in case it might be cancer but we really don;t think it is, but let’s do the scans just so we can be sure it isn’t whatever it necessarily is.

    My partner went through that testing almost 5 years ago. For her it was cancer, but she had surgery and is still cancer free almost five years later!! Sometimes the not necessarily scans are necessary. Cancer free thoughts going out to the universe and for the asshole ovary to be well.

  284. haha! this isn’t necessarily a comment on your not necessarily post and you look necessarily cute in that wolf hat which necessarily died from necessarily natural causes.

  285. Jen:
    I know how you feel about your Ovary from hell trying to kill you. Same situation here. Only I believed I was just going through menopause until I got to my doctor (with her awesome bedside manner) who says “Oh no, it’s not menopause, I think we need to schedule a biopsy!” I asked her if she meant biopsy as in Cancer and she replies “Yes, I believe what I’ve seen on the Ultrasound could be Cancer” Long story short, it ISN’T cancer, it’s fibroid cysts. But I was scared shitless for a month!

  286. You’re very very brave to be able to write such a hilarious post about such a depressing topic. Please do update your readers when you find out its not cancer, frivolous or otherwise.

  287. I am a 13-year ovarian cancer survivor, and there aren’t many of us around, so you should listen to me. If the doctors suspect cancer, get to a board-certified gynecological oncologist. Do not let anyone but a gynecological oncologist cut on you. One of the reasons ovarian cancer has such poor survival rates is because regular gynecologists operate and attempt to remove the cancer themselves. They are not qualified to do this. Statistics validate that women who are treated by a gynecological oncologist live longer and have a higher chance of a cure.

    Ovarian cancer is actually rare. You probably have something else, but I hope everyone reading will tuck this little piece of information away for future reference. If doctors suspect or diagnose gynecological cancer, do not let anyone but a gynecological oncologist operate.

  288. Now that you know your ovary likes to torture you just for sports sake rather than cancers sake I must confess this blog made me laugh so fucking hard i might have peed a little…I am a 5 year cancer survivor myself and cancer nurse but it was the snarky humor of my loved one and chosen family aka friends that got me through them trying to kill me with poisonously toxic chemicals. I thought this was brilliant and tipped over a bit in my chair during these parts: “So you have cancer?” “Yes, but it was necessary.” “Oh, good. There’s nothing worse than a frivolous cancer.” and And I think I just accidentally defined necessary cancer.

    and glad to hear the cancer was not necessary fuck yeah!

  289. I hope you didn’t get any kind of cancer, because it sucks. Not to be all “let’s be a downer here”, but I lost my father-in-law to cancer this year, which was a massive kick to the balls (emotionally speaking). Yeah, it sucks, and it is always nicer to have things that don’t suck. Like pastries — they’re hundred times more delicious and non sucky than cancer.

  290. OMG! My friend pointed me to this article because I literally had a dermatologist tell us the mysterious growth on my sons head that he looked at for a minute and then looked at pictures of on the internet a few days later ‘probably isn’t cancer so i am not worried about it.’ He said a biopsy would be unnecessary even though the other thing it might be IS something that ultimately turns to cancer….but it is unlikely so let’s just wait it out he says. Did i mention it is on his head, near his brain?! getting a second opinion =-/ anyway – thank you for the affirmation – for a second I was thinking yelling at the doctor as i did may have been overdoing it.

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