My cat ruined Christmas and this post.


I just wrote a really long and vaguely funny post about why I would never teach my cat to smoke, while angrily screaming “YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF” to said cat as Victor locked himself if the office and vowed to not come out until I passed a drug test, but then the electricity went out before I could save it and now it’s lost forever.  I would try to re-write it but I’m too frustrated and now I want pie.  Please just pretend I wrote something really funny and profound here and let’s all go eat pie.  Strawberry pie.  Stuffed in a cake.  Made of tacos.


In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on my sex column (which is vaguely safe for work unless your boss is a douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Cutest Paw, which will SUCK YOU IN WITH CUTENESS. Like, it’s so adorable it could kill you. But all things considered that’s not a bad way to go. Better than falling into a fiery volcano, at least. KITTENS!

143 thoughts on “My cat ruined Christmas and this post.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Mmmmm, strawberry pie…yummy!!! I had no Internet this morning because my cable company is stupid. If you would ever rewrite the not teaching a cat to smoke post, I’d love to read it just as I love to read everything else you write!! You are fabulous, Jenny!!! 🙂

  2. I’m totally stuck between Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann for best of the best on Bad Lip Reading. Yeah, mama!

  3. Strawberry pie wrapped in cake and stuffed in a taco? Dang, I just had that last night…

  4. Well, with the loss of that post there’s now no proof that you were “acting crazy” and needed a drug test. Now it’s just Victor being weird and locking himself in his office for no reason. What a weirdo diva.

  5. I do love pie, but I’m not so sure I want to eat pie stuffed in a cake with tacos. But really, do enjoy that interesting creation of yours. I’ll stick with just pie. I’m pretty damn boring anyway. 🙂

  6. My cat tries to ruin Christmas too. By eating the tree. Although if I had to pick Fluffy eating the tree or smoking, I’d go with smoking. But OUTSIDE the house. No need to set the tree on fire, then THAT would ruin Christmas. (And the house)

  7. Ohhhh that suuuucks! (The electricity going out thing). I’m a compulsive ctrl+s-er, but that doesn’t save me all the time. Siiiigh. I hope you convince yourself to rewrite the post, because cats + smoking = fuh-nee, and I’d like to read it.

  8. Have you looked in the temp files for your document? Unless the automatic back-up is turned off, most programs will save the work in the bowels of the computer. At least this is how PC’s work, and I presume Mac’s are the same.

  9. Never say never! What if you could teach your cat to smoke salmon, so you could always have a supply of lox on hand for when you need it? And, wouldn’t hickory-smoked bacon taste better if it came courtesy of a feline with opposable thumbs?

    Just sayin’.

  10. There is some place in hell that the Devil stores unposted blogs. Because believe me, the same thing has happened to me, on several occasions. That asshole has some serious laughs at our expense. I guess that goes without saying; he is, after all, Lucifer. But I digress.
    Enjoy the strawberry taco pie. We’ll live without the extra wittiness today.

  11. It scares me that Ferris Mewler is so much bigger (and crankier, apparently) than the Abominable Snowman.

  12. “For the love of God. Let my vagina sleep” might be the best thing I’ve read in like, ever.

    And seeing as my vagina is nocturnal, that’s saying a lot.

  13. Nobody told me how hard this whole blogging thing was gonna be. Between my Internet service going in and out for the past few days and the dog expecting to be fed, I can barely get any work done. I am starting to wonder if the neighbor I steal Internet access from has paid his bill. I should probably remind him. Some people are such slackers.

  14. Cat probably got excited as someone got too close to the tree, peed and blew the electricity. Thought he was dying… bless

    Merry Christmas

  15. In Iowa, we can’t *wait* for the caucuses to be over and get rid of all the political ads (especially the latest Perry one). You have my most sincere condolences for having to live with him far longer than I could have tolerated…

  16. I love the Bad Lip Reading videos!! My favorite is Mitt Romney’s. I watched it so much right before Thanksgiving and all day on Thanksgiving I just kept going around yelling “Fuck Prison. I’m a Party Rapper.”

  17. Mmmmm, strawberry pie in a cake. Although I would subtract the tacos….and add double frosting on the cake….chocolate cake that is….and chocolate icing….

  18. Kind of sad my reference to didn’t make it to your list of “shit you didn’t come up with but wish you did, because it’s kind of awesome”.

  19. Our cat died….and now we’re losing our house…. and probably renting something new.

    So my husband looks at me the other day and says, should we dig the cat up? The one in the backyard?

    Um…we are SO not retraumatizing our child with a pet carrier filled with cat skeleton.

    The conversation went on, but I think the point was that it could be worse? You could have no cat?

    That was a horrible point.

    Merry Christmas.

  20. I can’t quite wrap my head around how a strawberry pie in a cake made of tacos would taste, but by association I can only assume delicious. I once made margarita chicken tacos with strawberry avocado salsa, and it was pretty much the best thing ever.

  21. Um, there is a gizmo called an Uninterruptible Power Supply that you plug your computer and monitor into. If your electricity goes out, the UPS will keep your computer powered up for a few minutes, long enough to save and close your work so the electricity elves don’t take it away. I’m pretty shocked that you make your living writing on a computer and you don’t already have one of these.

    Prices start at around $50, and go up for longer lasting battery power. So, how much was today’s deathless prose worth to you? $50, $100? Here is a link for the things: and they probaby have them at your local big box electronics store.

    Maybe Santa will bring you one.

  22. If you use Google Docs (kinda like Microsoft Office but better) it saves what you write automatically every few seconds, so you never lose anything… It’s free and you can also access it anywhere, live. So if you login one day at home and then the next day from another computer in another city, all your changes are there without emailing yourself versions etc. It’s kewl 🙂

  23. Happens to me all the time on comments to your posts. Like now. Just pretend I was really clever in my response. My cats are dying from second hand dog gas anyway.

    Please send pie!

  24. It is all a matter of how you look at it. You think that the cat has ruined Christmas—but they think that they are making Christmas special and that furbombs launching themselves at you is the height of Christmas spirit. I am torn between siding with you and the cat—given the fact that my little darlings would wreck a tree within hours…you win (but it was close race).

  25. I didn’t set out to teach my cat to smoke, but he got hooked anyway. There was hell to pay when I gave up, he used to sit by the ashtray and glare at me pointedly.

  26. I saw the bearskin rug and all I could think of is ‘oh shit, is she going hard with a BEAR snuggie now?’
    That would have really upped the ante is all I’m sayin’.

  27. Ok, so I’m 5’9″ and have a fear of man-made heights over, um, 5’10” . . . so I get ya, gurl – my whole house looks like it was decorated by actual f’n elves. If you are a mouse, my decorating kicks ARSE!!! Ok, so you aren’t . . . whateve . . . my 3-year-old thinks I kick ass, hopefully I’ll gain the abitlity to deal with an uber-tall toddler by next year , , , whatever the future brings – happy holidays all the same!

  28. That’s creepy I just realized that you must live in my neighborhood. and that the cat in your pictures looks just like the one we lost.

  29. That was the funniest story about not teaching your cat to smoke that I’ve never read! I especially like your 6 step process for not smoking. Brilliant! Job well done Ms. Bloggess.

  30. I’m kind of glad I’m not the only one who gets frustrated by lost posts, and just gives up on them. Any time something happens, and I lose a post, I just know going back won’t give it justice. My inner rage at the inability to trust technology shows through, and I just sound bitchy.

  31. While I can appreciate you wanting to let your vagina sleep…I wouldn’t mind if some hot dude occasionally tried to wake my up.

    Or bring it back from the dead. Whichever is totally fine by me.

  32. P.S. – This is what happens (dive-bombing from Christmas trees) when you choose a part-pterodactyl cat. Apparently.

  33. I’m rolling on the floor dying of pretend laughter, here. That imagined story? Hilariously profound!

    Also, I’m so relieved you wouldn’t want to teach your cat to smoke. Imagine what he’d do to your poor Christmas tree if he was suffering from nicotine withdrawals. He’d have tried to roll it up in gift wrappings and smoke it. The potential for major disaster is mind-blowing. Oy Vey! I think I need some more pie.

    Holy Mother of all Cows! Vaginal. Alarm. Clock. My vagina will have nightmares for weeks. I agree with all your reasons and would like to add one more good reason why any sane woman wouldn’t want one. Reason #6) Post Traumatic Vaginal Stress.

  34. You put all that effort into spelling all kinds of big words and then a natural disaster wipes out your sentences. I know about this.

  35. Strawberry pie, cake and tacos? That’s like the turducken of desserts and Mexican food!

    Would that be Strakos? Strawbakeycos? Stracackos? Tacakeberry?

    Let’s just eat some. Although the tacos would be replaced with churros. Or just made of chocolate.

  36. that taco -strawberry pie sounds gross. and I’m not buying it for a minute. No one that has been writing this long goes more than half a sentece with out automatic pilot hitting ctr+s

    next you’ll say the cat ate your homework… yeesh

  37. It says the little rooster can make journeys more pleasant but “do not use during take off and landing.” How would you get it through security?? And if you did, would you set it to go off halfway through your flight while you’re jammed in your seat between two strangers?? Awkward…

  38. Pie sounds good- I’ll bring the whip cream. And also? I ADORE the autocorrect website. Their sister site, is hysterically funny as well.

  39. It’s like that scene from Coraline when she turns off the light in the closet, and all the power in the house goes out, and her father is screaming at the computer, “NONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!”

  40. Jesus Mary and Jerome. That “Cutestpaw” website might just be the cutest website on the web.

    Thank you for finding all of these cool websites b/c when I try to I just usually end up back here.

  41. For me it always seems as though whenever I write a long and witty post about a world-changing event that happened, my internet hiccups without my knowledge and when I hit the submit button I get greeted with “blah blah blah the interwebs hates you and the network is not available.” Then of course for like a day I copy everything I type before hitting submit, but by then it’s too late.

  42. I started reading DYAC from the link you posted. I haven’t stopped laughing out loud since! I had tears streaming down my face just from the top 25! My favorites are when people try to fix the conversation, but auto correct keeps fucking it up. So Awesome.

  43. The first year we ever had tinsel at my house – I don’t know if it was because they’d just come out with it or because we were too poor in previous years – both of our cats grazed their way up to the middle of the tree. They then spent the next six weeks walking around with tinsel hanging out of their mouths and/or asses, alternately barfing and shitting out tinsel-y Christmas joy.

    The next year my mother still bought the tinsel, only we weren’t allowed to hang it below half mast, giving the christmas tree a kind of snowed-on, Alpine mountain peak, hooker short skirt kind of appeal.

    So, in a way, our cats ruined christmas AND the christmas after that. The third tinsel christmas was tinsel-less.

  44. Hey there,

    So, oddly I came across your blog from a buddy of mine in Antarctica. She sent me the linky dink to your blog about the five foot metal chicken. This was last week. This week I’m currently in Christchurch New Zealand working. I had some time to myself so I walked over to the local mall.

    I could not FUCKING believe my eyes. Your metal chicken had babies. In the display window was a mini version of your metal chicken, perhaps two feet tall.

    It’s a good thing I don’t have space in my suitcase for such a creature.


  45. I was with you on the pie.

    Even up until the cake.

    Then you lost me with the taco portion, unless it was imitation meat.

    Somehow hot sauce takes away from the sweetness of the icing. Call me crazy.

    No, really, call me crazy. I like it.


  46. this is what we all need two pies in two cakes with frosting. One slice is 1800 calories and they claim can feed four people. Please we all know we could eat the whole slice ourselves.

  47. Jenny, I knew, because of your ear, that you were a crack journalist, but I had NO IDEA you were as huge in media circles as Kelly Osbourne and Rosanne Barr, both of whom I would bet rely on the vagina alarm clock turkey baster.

  48. OMG!!! I saw that bear comercial on tv ans LOST MY SHIT!!! Seriously! After snorting my ceptum into my brain from laughing so hard, I had to explain to my other half whyyyyyyyyyy it was so funny. He has now been versed on the ways of the Bloggess. It’s funnier now that I didn’t even rember seeing it and posted my own post about the bear that roams our neighborhood. As of this moment I am recovering from seing that the commercial did in fact find it’s way to you (or you to it). Thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in forever…even if you didn’t know you were doing it. (See? You do things without even trying. But if you ever do something bad without knowing it, don’t worry, I got your back…I’ll blame Victor.) XD

  49. I’m actually relieved your power went out because having TWO ‘pie-eating crazy cat’ posts on the Internet at the same time would have been too awkward to be coincidental.

  50. Someone’s probably suggested this, but I’d get a battery back-up unit for your computer. That’ll at least give you a few minutes to save your documents if the power goes out.

    Also, get a bathroom door with a key so you can get to Victor anyway. He’ll love that.

  51. Oh my god thank you for Damn you auto correct…Though I should have taken your heading more seriously. I ended up crying and basically weezing at work…I work at a very quiet bank. Woops.

    Good shit.

  52. Okay, all my DFW Bloggess Lovers! While driving down highway 26 in Grapevine yesterday, I saw Beyonce’s twin, which turned out to be quintuplets, hanging out at what looked like a mechanics garage but turned out to be a metal works place (horrible run-on…sorry). I am bummed beyond sadness that hubby dearest told me I couldn’t spend $135 on my giant metal chicken, which he promised me way back when. However, I am sure somone out there has a cool hubby so there’s the 411. Also, please don’t buy the little weiner dog they also have…I am going to try to win the lottery so I can buy whatever I want!

  53. The little rooster is definitely one of the most bizarre things I seen in quite a awhile. I have a whole truckload of nuns that I need to buy presents for so now I can quit looking. You’ve found the perfect present for them.

  54. Jenny, for what it’s worth, when my cats used to do that, I put a plant hanger hook in the ceiling over in the corner where I’d set up the Christmas tree, and literally tie the tree to the ceiling with rope. That stopped it from falling over and breaking all the ornaments.

    It did not, however, stop the cats from launching themselves from the arms of the sofa onto the tree, sending a cascade of ornaments onto the floor for the other cats to chase.

    Just saying….

  55. I shorted out the electricity in my office this morning by simultaneously charging my iPod and nuking a Toaster Strudel. My coworkers were not amused. Nor were they particularly receptive to my idea that we build a pillow fort and tell ghost stories ’til the lights came back on.

  56. Maybe instead of breakable ornaments, you could decorate your Christmas tree in cat toys and catnip. Go with the flow–your cat might be the most original tree-topper ever!

  57. strawberry pie made of tacos sounds so much better than that 9 layer cake with beef and peas they served on Friends. I am in!

  58. Gagged a little bit with joy over the vagina alarm clock story.
    Instead of ‘Sorry babe, I’ve got a headache’
    Now its going to be “Sorry babe, jammed an alarm clock up there’
    My husband thanks you for an interesting change to my regular headache excuse.

  59. Um, don’t hate me for this, but when I read about you losing the smoking cat post, I thought, “Is she possibly lying and she never even wrote the vaguely funny post…?”

    I guess I should probably just think that to myself.

  60. Evidently I can’t read…

    Thought the headline said ‘My cat urinated Christmas’… :-

  61. Based on the munchies you have, I guess you are not talking about smoking tobacco. Good. That s**t will kill you.

  62. That blows. Maybe your cat was behind it and trying to make a statement. I’d look into that, I’ll loan you the interrogation spotlights even

  63. All things considered, the way I’d like to go is being nibbled to death by baby ducks. Admittedly this doesn’t involve paws in any way, but you’ve gotta admit it’d be pretty damn entertaining, as far as meeting you demise goes. They don’t seem to be too hung up on the letter of the law at cutest paws, though, so at least there’s that.

  64. I can not believe The Little Rooster exists. Can Not Believe It.
    And I’m in rehab talking to transexual methheads every day. That is not a joke. That is my real life.

  65. I just found your blog and love it! Even your non post was funnier than everything else I have read today! Looking forward to following your blog!

  66. Doesn’t it piss you off when you produce all that good quality content and some dumb ass fool comes along and compliments one of the animals photos you just threw in at the end?

    Seriously, a baby pig sleeping with a stuffed baby pig? My whole family texted it around to each other all afternoon. Even my twelve-year-old son liked it. Which I knew he would. But I figured he’d roll his eyes at me when I texted it to his iPod Touch DURING the Saints game and give me the requisite, “Mom, please. I’m trying to watch the game!” But, no. Instead, he and his sister began forcing the cat to “nap” with various stuffed cats around the house in an effort to (lamely) recreate the picture. For you, actually.

    Suffice it to say, it didn’t work and my son now has a nice scratch on his leg to show for it … but we did all enjoy a yummy dinner of enchiladas and some seasonal Peppermint ice cream. Which I will concede is not a strawberry pie-stuffed taco cake. But with the Mexican seasonings and the sugar and the little flecks of red, I think we came damned close to recreating at least something from this blog entry. Even if it wasn’t the feline version of the pig-on-pig nap that my kids wanted to send you. I tried explaining that to them but I think they’ll continue torturing the cat until they get that picture. Poor Milo.

  67. A vaginal alarm clock … I’m just, uh, kinda speechless over that. You know it was a man who created it! Holy shit!

    LOVED the story about the sculptures left at libraries and such. HAD to share it.

    Also, laughed extremely hard at those auto corrects. O.M.G.

    Lastly, we lost our beloved cat last February. She never bothered our Christmas tree. NEVER. We saved two kitties (around the age of 2) this past July. The little girl thinks it is the funnest thing to climb up inside of it and hide. And the little boy (well, he is pretty big) simply loves to bat the ornaments off of the lower branches.

    I may go insane.

    It will all be ok, though, as long as I continue to get internet access so I can read your blog! <3

  68. Ok so I am sitting here at the table just drinking my coke and waking up with fox 17 morning news and I look up and what do you think I saw?! Beyoncé on a Christmas ornament!! They were talking about zazzle 🙂
    Knock Knock Mother Fucker I’ve made it to Grand Rapids, Michigan!

  69. “Strawberry pie. Stuffed inside a cake. Made of tacos.”

    It’s like turducken… only BETTER.

  70. Please read this blog… I am just trying to spread the word as afar as possible. Baby Saiorse lost her battle with cancer today.

  71. Your post made me think of an ad I saw on e-bay: everything sold here comes from a non-cat smoking house. I didn’t know whether to call PETA or ATF. Anyway, enjoyed your post as always. Think I’ll go make some of those strawberry taco thingys now (the non smoked-cat flavor).

  72. I love you AND your cat. I had taco soup last night! No pie, though. However, I have begun to consider a concoction called Sweet Potato Rolo Turtle Pie. Your cat might like to pounce on it!!

  73. I love those little paper sculptures! And the Copernicus cakes…between those and the mention of strawberry pie, I am suddenly hungry and must go in search of desserts.

  74. So I feel famous.. You mentioned the blog that my brothers girlfriend writes!! Maybe it’s like 10 seconds of my alloted 15 minutes, but incredibly exciting nonetheless. When my brother asked me if I read The Bloggess, I got curious about what sort of man-piphany he might have experienced from reading.. But your mention of eggton was the best kind of unexpected surprise.

  75. You’re on the Colbert Report, and so is Wolf Blitzer! How awesome is that? You’re my hero.

  76. It is not Strawberry Pie stuffed in a cake, but Chocolate Pie stuffed in a Chocolate cake would be ok, right?

    College student calls it Pie-Ception Cake!!

    (I am not said college student, I finished college, ummm a long time ago. Another recipe from her was featured on MuggleNet – Butterbeer cupcakes – and this was the previous blog post. So…. to be clear, I am way to old to be interested in either site but, seriously… PIE-CEPTION CAKE!)

    I will go now.

  77. Why do I honestly believe that I can read this shit and get my toddlers to sleep at the same time??
    My 2yr old Fred is saying “eye, eye, aayyyyye papa” while I’m miserably failing at stifling my laughter and tears are fricking pouring down cheeks.
    I finally lost it before the middle of the list when Fred started laughing at me, vs laughing with me.

  78. Hi again o genius. Re your office-friendly Beyonce mug: how about “Knock knock, motherclucker”?

  79. I just got my Bloggess 2012 calendars in the mail!!! Plural, one for me and one for my bff. BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER!!!!!!

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