And then I became a grown-up. By eating a grown-up. Or hiring a grown-up. One of those.

Six weeks ago I told twitter that I desperately needed an assistant to work a few hours a week, to help me weed through bad pitches and tell me to take my meds.  Many fabulous people offered and I promptly ran away because I’m not responsible enough to hire an assistant, and I ended up hiding under the table and wishing I had some sort of an assistant to do this stuff for me.  Then Victor yelled at me because I’m making myself sick from working 12 hour day, but it seems sort of self-indulgent and weird to have an assistant when you have a job where you write about porn and giant metal chickens all day.  And besides, I don’t really need an assistant.  I need a Mary.  

A decade ago a sweet woman named Mary helped me learn how to pretend to be good at HR.  She told me jokes when mean people made me cry.  She took over projects when I got pregnant and couldn’t stop throwing up.  She’d crawl under the desk with me (as if that was perfectly natural) when I’d have a panic attack.  She was nice and kind to me when I was the lowest on the totem pole because she doesn’t understand totem poles and prefers jungle gyms.

And that’s why this week I broke down and hired an assistant.

I hired Mary.

She’s sweet and twisted and couldn’t care less about social media, but I’ve never met anyone who cared more about people.  Also, she’s terrifically over-qualified, but is willing lie around in the gutter with me because she’s bored and awesome.  Which is the perfect combination, really.

Meet Mary:

Me and Mary at our last job. And yes, I realize that's a terrible picture but I was pregnant or drunk at the time so it can't be helped. Also, I asked Mary if I should use another picture but she said she liked this one because it's the most indicative of us. Which is a little sad, and also just perfect.


In other news, you guys really want chicken.  I couldn’t even keep up with all the amazing names on the last post so instead I used the random number generator to pick the winners.  And yes, I did say winners.  Because first place gets the metal chicken, and second and third get desk- sized resin Beyonces from my shop.  Plus, all three get an advance-reader-copy of my book as long as they promise not to xerox it and throw the pages off a balcony until after it’s officially released in a couple of months.

The grand prize goes to Heidi, who wins the incredibly well named “Johann Sebastian Buck-BAWK”.  Runners up are Michelle S. and Valerie.

PS. You guys are the best.  Seriously.

252 thoughts on “And then I became a grown-up. By eating a grown-up. Or hiring a grown-up. One of those.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Congratulations to the winners! Also, I read the caption as “drunk and pregnant” and was ready to get all fucking indignant. That’s when I realized I’ve been watching too much Teen Mom.

  2. Congratulations to you, dear Blogess, and welcome ablog, Miss Mary! and where, may I ask, are Thing1 and Thing2?

  3. I hear that Michelle S. is so cool that she insists that you mail ME her free copy of your not-yet-published-full-of-typos book along with a desk size chicken. . . .At least that’s what the voices in my head are telling me she’d do.

  4. Congrats to the winners. I am sure “Johann Sebastian Buck-BAWK” is going to an excellent home.

  5. Having an assistant who is not only competent, but who is so wonderfully sympathetic and kind, is completely awesome. Congrats to the both of you.

  6. This is how I knew I could marry my hubs. When I was having the worst panic attack Going up in the minolta tower in niagara falls, he made dungeons and dragons jokes while handing me a paper bag and rubbing my ankles. Two days later, he proposed.

  7. I glanced at the picture and thought, “She kind of looks like you,” did a double-take and realized, “That’s not a Cat in the Hat cardboard stand-up! That’s a person in costume. AWESOME!”

  8. Who still uses the term “xerox,” except those of us who used to smell our awesome, fresh classroom pages?! That is now officially my (advanced copy) entry into all future metallic or other taxidermed animal contests you have.

    Consider me the (advanced copy) (future) winner.

    Also, you’ve made me miss the sweet euphoria of a good Xerox high. Thanks, bizitch.

  9. Has anyone else noticed the part of the picture that is blacked out? That concerns me. What are you hiding?

    (Actually that’s my arm but there was another hand on it and it looked weird so I just made it black. Also, there was a leprechaun there. ~ Jenny )

  10. “She was nice and kind to me when I was the lowest on the totem pole because she doesn’t understand totem poles and prefers jungle gyms…”

    If Mary ever needs an assistant, I’m available.

  11. My new goal: make my subordinates dress up as the Cat in the Hat. Did I miss the point or is that pretty much why you hired her? Because if someone showed up to a job interview with that awesome of a costume it’s a done deal. HIRED. Qualifications be damned.

  12. ,Thank you so much for not picking me. Although, I would still love an advance copy of your book. But sinceI I didn’t win cluck norris, my husband has promised to make me one. That actually makes it so much cooler because I love my husband and she is an amazing artisan. I will totally tweet pictures of his rendition as soon as he has .finished it

  13. Based on her description and that picture, she seems like a perfect match for the job. Does she dress like The Cat in the Hat everyday , or is that you dressed as Cat in the Hat and Mary’s dressed as you?

  14. Now I’m all depressed and on the verge of a panic attack….I really wanted the damn rooster!! Oh welcome Mary!!

  15. Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner!
    Okay, no chicken dinner because I didn’t win a Beyonce, and I’d never eat Beyonce anyway. Bu I? So excited about the book!!! Jenny, you are the best!

  16. OH OH OH I want a mary please!!!!!!

    that sounds made of awesome!

    and makes people furiously happy!

    I already love Mary!

    and CONGRATS to the winners!

  17. Well I’m bummed I missed the chicken opportunity but I have to say: I think the duck needs more accessories. Possibly a scarf for the winter…and then a bow tie for the summer…with a straw hat as an alternative to headware. Because wearing a top hat and a bow tie will get him confused with Fred Astaire and who needs that?

  18. I haven’t met Mary, but I love her already. And I’m not at all bitter about not winning a chicken. (Totally lying about that last part.)

  19. You should be complimented by the fact that when I visit your blog and see you standing next to a new assistant who is dressed like the Cat in the Hat, I’m just, like, “Well, obviously.”

    Can’t WAIT to read your book!

  20. Congratulations to the winners, but I only say this grudgingly and so I possibly get karma points. I really wanted a mini chicken to present to Brian for our wedding. I’ll just have to keep an eye out for other mini metal chicken contests on the internets. I somehow think my chances are limited. 😀

    By the way, unrelated to the previous portion of this comment: thanks for making me laugh when I need it, Jenny.

  21. I really wanted that chicken Kelaguin 🙁 but I will live. I’ll be hiding under my desk reading your book.

  22. Crap, my name’s Mary too. I was hoping that you’d accidentally hired me, lol.

    BTW-That’s really cool. She seems awesome.

  23. Oh, how wonderful for you, Jenny! I really hope having Mary there to help will make things easier for you. You bring such (furious) happiness to so many, you deserve a break, my lovely. Welcome, Mary!

  24. *hugs* I’m glad you have a Mary. She sounds awesome!

    Congratulations to Heidi – “Johann Sebastian Buck-BAWK” is a cool name – and the runners up 🙂

  25. Congrats on hiring an assistant–one that you already know you love to work with! Awesome! I’d like to hire an assistant too, but I can’t find anyone willing to work for free.

  26. WHAT??? I read my name as the grand prize winner and now my chicken goes to ANOTHER HEIDI??? How DARE there be another Heidi!!! I’m crawling under my desk right now.

    I will settle (but it’s less like settling and more like begging) for an advance copy of your book, Jenny, so that I can give it a fabulous early review. PLEEEEEEEAAASSSE??? I think you owe me at least this after giving me joy followed by a panic attack and then a near fatal stroke.

    And welcome to Mary, you’re adorable.

  27. Congrats to the winners!! Welcome to Mary!

    (I have just informed my husband that I did not win and now must find my own metal chicken so that I might still use the name I was going to give the metal chicken that you were giving away. He is amused, until I in fact really do find one then he might be scared.)

  28. Ah! I almost had a heart attack when I saw that, I thought I won! Alas, I soon learned that this was a Valerie who writes about clown porn, and therefore infinitely cooler than me. (Also infinitely more nightmare-inducing. I hate clowns.) However, good show! I had fun participating.

    Heidi, I feel your pain.

  29. This is the first contest where I’m saddest I didn’t win not the prize prize, but the stuck-in-there-for-awesome-advance-book prize.

  30. good! you need someone to help you not get sick! Being sick sucks! (I’ve have bronchitis, etc for two months now) But I wrote a post about being sick and depression, so that kind of relates. 🙂

  31. You’re absolutely right, there IS something about Mary. And totally something about Jenny Lawson that keeps me coming back and wanting more more more!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I’ve always loved the blog…. and have been completely in awe of you. I still feel the same way but since you wrote your post about depression, you’ve become so REAL to me! Thank you SO much for that! — Dawnee (aka Mrs. Snarky)

  32. LOVE Mary. Also love desktop Beyonce. Dr. Pants and Mrs. Dr. Pants recently stayed at our home (long story but suffice it to say we go back a LONG WAY) and were treated with “Mr. and Mrs.” bedside Beyonce statues from your store. I think it made their stay.

  33. I am so glad you have a Mary! She sounds awesome. But you are awesome, so of course your assistant is going to be awesome. Just look at Neil Gaiman and the Fabulous Lorraine. You have your Lorraine!
    And congrats to the winners!

  34. I like Mary because she’s kind to you and I like you even though I don’t know you but I kind of do because I read stuff you write and anyway welcome Mary.

  35. You are so awesome for hiring that woman! If you really did. Did you really? Because people like that are the unsung heroes of our time. Not to use a cliche, oops just did. Really.

    I was thinking during my recent vacation about how I need an assistant as well. Problem is, I don’t have enough cash. I also don’t need someone to answer mails and tweets and all that crap. I need someone to clean up after me. Like ALL THE TIME. I guess I need a maid, but then you’d have to have maid quarters for that, because a maid is different from a cleaning lady who only comes a few times a week. Mainly I need an assistant for those times when my wife is all “clean up your room” and “stop surfing porn and play with your goddamn kids.”

    I wonder if I could put that in a classified ad…

  36. Oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! if I knew how to cartwheel, I’d do one right now!!!! I’m not even telling my husband…maybe I’ll pull a bloggess and have Johan ring the bell…

  37. Well here in Australia we don’t use brand names as verbs….. ‘Xeroxing’ is ‘photocopying’ and ‘hoovering’ is ‘vaccuuming’. Except I don’t know how to spell vacuuming. Vacumming? Vacummuing? The main exception is ‘googling’, and I think a word as awesome as ‘google’ deserves its own verb form. Do you know what ‘google’ actually means, btw? It’s kinda cool:

    ANYWAY there was a point here. I’m good at this. When pages used to come off the photocopier/printer when I was a kid, I used to smell the fresh ink cos I was convinced it smelled like mushrooms. Not fresh mushrooms, they don’t really have a smell. More like a thin mushroom sauce. Maybe that’s how they make ink– they scrape out all the funny black bits from mushrooms and mush them into paste. Our chemicals are made of food. You could probably eat it.

    OHMIGOSH my friend who is a nurse told me today, her patient was in a 3 month coma with anaphylactic shock from eating powdered potato. Cos, they mush up the whole potato with the skins and everything, then they have to bleach it to make it white. Also they bleach stuff like white rice and flour. Nobody tell my mum though, she’s very passionate about the evil of pesticides and chemicals and microwaves and plastic. She’ll start running up and down the street yelling ‘EVERYBODY’S GOING TO DIE’.

    Confession: I typed ‘ggogling’ every single time in this post. I blame the mushrooms.

  38. Having your own cat-in-the-hat should be an indicator of success and a life well lived…

  39. Oh no!! I can live without the chicken but not without the book. I collect signed copies of books by people I admire, so you can see that a signed ADVANCE copy of a book by you is an important and necessary addition to my inventory (because I also collect signed advance copies of people I think are hilarious).

    (Ignore my eleven year old. He says I don’t NEED it, but that’s only because he’s mad about the ipad he doesn’t need. Although I’d be willing to negotiate on the ipad if you will negotiate on the book. )

    (Update: My son says I need this book. He’s usually right about things.)

  40. I feel compelled to tell you about GOOGLEPLEX. Even if you already know, then we can both tilt our heads at our screens again and ponder the mysteries of life. (I know that’s not spelled correctly either, but when someone told me about these insane numbers that’s how she pronounced it. And googolplex looks wrong.) <—- HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? My mind would explode. I don't do maths. I can wrap my head around the concept of 'to the power of' but not 'to the power of TO THE FREAKING POWER OF'.

    I bet Mary would know. She probably understands indices and stuff. I'm going to see the musical Mary Poppins' in March and I can unequivocally say that your Mary would kick Poppins' ass. I'm intuitive about stuff like that.

  41. Um… I love people who “don’t understand totem poles but prefer jungle gyms.” What a wonderfully perfect description. You guys are lucky to have each other!

  42. She’s a perfect hire. First you like cats. Second you like to dress stuff up. So she’s like a big dressed up human cat. Of course this is assuming that part of her job description is to wear that outfit every day. You might want to work that little requirement into your next conversation.

  43. Welcome Mary, Congrats Heidi!
    How do those of us not creative enough to come up with a name for the give away metal chicken get an advance reader copy of your book!?!?!?! or maybe an advance LISTENER copy!?!? 🙂 i’m having a VERY difficult time waiting for it to formally come out!

  44. Awesome!!!! And btw, when I first came to this page I got an error that said “bad gateway.” Are you a gateway drug of some sort?

  45. Thank you for the introduction Jenny, you know how much I adore you. And thank you to all of YOU who have welcomed me here too! Oh, gotta go, Thing 1 justed pushed Thing 2 off the jungle gym…..crap, now there is going to be trouble.

  46. Somewhere out there in America, a metal artist with a blowtorch is trying to figure out why in hell there is a sudden run on metal chickens…

  47. I’m waiting for my assistant to show up in a similar outfit, but only because her laundry was stolen (again) and she can’t be late to work (again) or she will get fired (again) like when her grandmother passed away (again). I need a Mary….

  48. All I can hear in my head now is “Mary Mary” by The Monkees.

    I think that when there’s a choice in who you work with, it only makes sense to hire someone who is equally as ridiculous and awesome as oneself. That’s why if I ever need an assistant, I will hire my best friend Jennifer. Her business degree be damned.

  49. with the cat in the hat as an assistant you may not get anything done, but you’ll have the most fun not getting anything done

  50. I, too, once had a job that required I crawl under the desk on a regular basis. You’ve definitely picked the right assistant if she’s willing join you under there!

  51. Yay Bloggess!
    Yay Mary!
    Yay winners!
    I’m not sure which of the 6 listed above to most jealous of, so I’m just going to fling some glitter and celebrate with all of you!

  52. What I love about this post is that it was announced on my FB page by Beyonce HERSELF. What I don’t love is that it wasn’t me, but I can admit that my suggestion was not nearly as brilliant, so it’s cool. Also, I love Mary too. She has that kind of face where you can just see what an awesome person she is. 🙂 Congrats to everyone involved!

  53. Aww, yay!
    Everyone needs a Mary. Especially if OUTTHERE* makes you a skittish.

    I hope that you get everything shuffled into place and your head stops smacking you around. From what I’ve read? You’re pretty awesome.

    Have a fabu day!

    * – Anyplace not my your own home.

  54. I look at that picture of you and all I see are perfect teeth. Wow. Were those a gift or did you have to go through 10 years of different kinds of wires in your mouth like I did for mine?

    I love your teeth. 😀 And yay for Mary!

  55. Yes! Yes! A contest to win Mary! I want the Great and Mysterious Random Generator to spit out my name for a Mary! (But I want the one in the CITH suit. Not the resin desk-size version. Please note that specification.)

  56. happy about Mary. Totally bummed that you used a generator to pick the winners since it clearly is flawed.
    Ms Chanandaler Bong will never forgive you.

  57. I want a Mary. Not to help me with my life work but to distract me from it and give me someone to blame my non-productivity on. And to have fun with. Then maybe hire someone else to actually do the work.

  58. Congrats on the new assistant! Sometimes I feel like I need an assistant but I don’t even make any money from my blog. Now that would be self indulgent.

  59. Oh the places you shall go……I will begrudgingly congratulate the winners as I sit in a huff because I just knew how annoyed my g/f would be with a metal chicken sitting on the table. I will now have to go back to leaving boxes of random car parts I’ve ordered on the table and blame you…….

  60. So I knew you’d have to use a random generator thing, but I’d love to hear what your favorite names were. I’m sure there were tons of kick ass names for sebastian!

  61. Wow, I almost pee’d my pants that I was the lucky Michelle S.

    Congratz to all the winners! Jen is awesome!

  62. I’m confused.

    “She took over projects when I got pregnant and couldn’t stop throwing up.”

    Why couldn’t Mary stop throwing up? What kind of projects WERE these and, more importantly, why would you subject this poor woman to nausea in the workplace? If I was her, I’d probably avoid you like the plague.

    Plague. Maybe THAT’S why she was throwing up.

  63. The picture kind makes you and Mary look like conjoined twins, but in a cute snuggle way. Not the “HOLY SHIT! what the hell happened?” kind of way.
    Also if thats you pregnant uhm way too cute, but if its you drunk, OK well still WAY too cute!

  64. Where do they sell Mary’s? Can I buy one? Or is buying people still illegal? Cause I’d rather pay one big lumpsum for a Mary. Especially if she’s williing to crawl under a desk for me.

    Although she’s have to learn about totem poles, cause I’m thinking of building one in my backyard.

  65. As you were describing Mary, I was lamenting that she was in your past…but now she’s in your present! She sounds like a lovely person. And now I want a Mary, too!

  66. You rock! Too bad I didn’t get a name in in time. But on the other hand…reading your comment ‘holy shitsnacks’ just about finished me! I’m pretty sure the water I was drinking came out of my nose and I might have even LIZZED a little (for those who need a def’n: Laugh till you whizz)!

  67. Congrats on your Mary. I want one.
    I am so angry with myself for being behind on my blog reading (and writing for that matter) and missing out on my chance to win my own ‘Beyonce’.
    I would have called him Mista Woosta and only pronuonced all of my R’s as W’s when near him, which wouldn’t be difficult for me because I talked that way until second grade. Also, the ponies would have liked him. Okay, they probably would have initially snorted and spooked upon presentation of a giant metal rooster but they would eventually become desensitized around him (much like people are around me).
    That is all. Hello to Mary.

  68. If I were to hire an assistant I would totally make sure it was The Cat In The Hat! (The Cat In The Hat is fun with kids, and I think that makes you Dr. Seuss, right?)

    I often dream about hiring a sister-wife (this person doesn’t have to also be married to my husband, right?) and feel supported in the crap things I get stuck with like wiping every one’s poop and fielding complaints about the texture of mac and cheese or one sibling’s tendancy to make shit up. I think my sister-wife would do a good job taking care of it, and she would get extra points if she would be willing to crawl under desks and support and love people that need it, especially while dressed like Cat In The Hat.

    Mary sounds like the PERFECT addition to your hectic, but supremely awesome life. So happy you were able to hire her!

  69. I was having trouble posting yesterday and figured I was too late anyway, BUT I will share my story nonetheless. The chicken-naming reminded me of my suit of armor. He was acquired in about 15 years ago from Garden Ridge (if you google-image “suit of armor Garden Ridge” you’ll see what he looks like) when my college roommates and I noticed that instead of a tin-punched fleur-de-lis on his… whatever those flappy parts of armor on the torso are called… like the 400 other suits of armor standing there, he had a tin-punched image of Donald Duck’s head. Seriously, we checked all the others. So he came home with us, because of COURSE, right? I inherited him when we all moved out. His name is Sir Oglethorpe Manwaring Schmitzhoffer Beagle IV. Because of COURSE.

  70. the only time I had an “assistant” was in high school when I was working on a play for the school but she was my girlfriend. Also she yelled at me all the time even though I told her as my assistant I should be yelling at her.

  71. Welcome Mary!! Looks like you will fit right in! Many thank yous in advance…we love Jenny very much and I personally need her voice in this world so anyone helping with that rocks in my book!

  72. I have a Mary, her name is Shelle. But she doesn’t do her make up everyday. I wish she did her make up everyday, only I kinda think I wish she would do her make up like Mary everyday, because that would make her even more awesome. Now that I think about it, I should probably call Shelle, her last text was 12 hours ago and stated she couldn’t find her car in the parking garage. She could still be wandering around the parking garage, then again most all the cars were probably gone by 10:00 last night so that would of made it easier for her to find her car. I’ll call her after my 9:00 am meeting, if she doesn’t show up by then.

  73. Mary obviously fits in with the zany Bloggess community. Welcome, Mary!

    And congratulations to all the winners – I truly mean that, but this means I’m going to have to go buy my own damn metal chicken now. Bummer.

  74. If you and Mary made it through working in HR together, you two have been baptized by fire and bonded permanently. I can only see good coming from you two continuing to working together.

    Welcome aboard, Mary!

  75. I absolutely love your blog. Please consider adding a t-shirt to your store.

  76. I wish I had known you were looking for an assistant! I so would have preferred that over what I am doing now. Oh well. Congrats on getting Mary!

  77. um, did you photoshop your shoulder? or is part of your arm missing? If you photoshopped it, I must know why because now it’s bothering me. It’s like the only thing I can see. It’s distracting me from the cat in the hat and that’s hard to do.

  78. oh, ha, Just realized the Cat in the Hat stuff is photoshopped on….I read the person above me’s comment and went back to look at the picture. What was on your shoulder?

  79. I’m a little sad my number wasn’t randomly generated, but my husband will be very pleased indeed!

    Welcome, Mary. Thanks for helping keep The Bloggess healthy and in line (somewhat?), cuz obviously a lot of us quite enjoy her work. And therefore yours.

  80. oh, i am so happy for you that you hired an assistant – and that it’s someone that you know and love already! That is wonderful news! Mary sounds amazing!

  81. Yay! Good for you for getting an assistant 🙂

    Also? I was in HR before having kids…I loved that job. Even though people were/are assholes a lot of the time…

  82. Jon Jones post: “What would one have to do in order to win a desk-sized resin Mary?”
    Put me down for one as well. Of course I will have to find my own Mary to help me clean and organize my desk so that I have a place to put my desk-sized resin Mary.

  83. When you said you wanted a “Mary” I thought about the story in the bible of Martha and Mary. How Martha was pissed at Mary because she was doing all the work while Mary was hanging out with Jesus. So, really, you would need a Martha. So I was confused and then when I read on and realized you really had a “Mary” in mind I realized my error. But you know, I always thought that Mary would be more fun to hang out with anyway.

  84. Super congrats to all of the winners. The winning name was far better than the one I offered up. But I am still supremely jealous.

  85. Oh, I’m so, so glad Mary is helping you. She sound so wonderful and just like what I have always wanted myself. And by the looks of things, you two have lots of fun working together!

    I didn’t write in the last post because so many comments make me want to hide under the table myself, but I can’t WAIT for your audiobook. I never have a chance to read anymore, but was determined to make the time for yours, but you’re audiobooking it too! And you’re doing it instead of James Earl Jones (whose voice could admittedly melt iron but would make for a major mental disconnect)! You have MADE my March commute — Thank You!

  86. I also noticed the “blacked out” spot on Jenny across Mary’s shoulder…Maybe something that had a company logo or something that might cause a legal issue for being posted publicly? Hmmm….

  87. Ok, now I’m extra super jealous because I do not have a Mary, a Beyonce, a Johann Sebastian Buck-BAWK, or an Ethel Merman (which is the prize chicken’s REAL name, I just know). Congrats to the winners, congrats to Mary on her new super-cool job, and congrats to the Bloggess for having a Mary and a Victor and a Beyonce and . . .

  88. oooh, or maybe Jenny had her hand on Mary’s shoulder and was flipping off the camera 😉 Telling everyone to “Fuck Off” with a smile on her face 😉

  89. Hiya Mary!….Very nice to virtually meet you. Just got yer email. I’ll be in-touch soon to talk ad stuff.

  90. Congrats to the winners! Congrats to Mary! and congrats to you to Jenny!

  91. I love Mary, I love that you hired an assistant, and I love Johann Sebastian Buck-BAWK (brilliant!). Also, I love your blog!

  92. There are just too many happy-happy people in this post. Congrats all the way around. Dang, now I want a metal chicken, a miniature chicken, and a Mary of my own …but *I* get to wear the costume.

  93. When I mentioned to my husband that I’d put my name in a draw for a metal chicken, he just shook his head, so I’m sure he will be thrilled that I didn’t win. *pout* What is it that husbands seem to have against big metal chickens anyway? It would have been awesome to freak out my kids with.

    Congratulations to the winners, though. 🙂

    Someday I hope to have a Mary of my own – congratulations on hiring yours. 🙂

  94. Congrats to you for your Mary, and congrats to the winners. I thought the person who answered “Blue Ivy” was going to be a shoo in, so I didn’t try 😉

  95. I need a Suessical assisant too! But mine will definitely need to know how to sing back up for spontaneous show tunes.

  96. I can’t even tell you how much I need two Mary’s just to wake up sometimes.

    I think you should get Victor a Mary too.

    And you should have MARY DAY where we all appreciate the MARY in our lives (even if they’re not literally a Mary).

    MARY’s make the world go round. In the good way.

  97. Does Michelle know that her wordpress handle looks like she misspelled phenonmenall and has a fabulous behind?

    Just wondering.

  98. I do a lot of work with a non-profit. I was one of the founder 27+ years ago. NE way about 12 years ago we hired Lori to answer the phone and send materials out 15 years later the organization is bigger and stronger because of Lori. Everybody needs an assistant.

  99. Does Michelle know that her WordPress handle looks like she doesn’t know how to spell phenomenall, but she has a fabulous behind?

    Just wondering.

  100. See, up there where is says “when I’d have a panic attack.”, I totally read picnic attack. I thought, yay, picnics under the desk!

    But no. Having had a panic attack, though, I think picnic attacks are a better thing.

  101. Was your left arm amputated in this picture? What is going on there? (it says something about me that THIS caught my eye more than a grown woman dressed like The Cat in the Hat, doesn’t it?)

  102. Mary!!!!!!! We love Mary!!!! For a second there I thought you had a stroke of genius, but then I realized that Mary probably just hired herself and then informed you. Way to go Mary.

  103. CURSE YOU RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR!!! *shakes fist in the air* Oh well. At least it picked a name I approve of. I mean really, how can the Bloggess pick from so many amazing names? Too hard. Too hard.

    Good news is that I still plan on buying your book! Hooray! Bad news is I won’t be showing this post to my girlfriend. She’s terrified of all things Dr. Seuss. And she’s 26.

  104. Mary is awesome. Of COURSE you would need someone who is willing to dress as the Cat in the Hat. It goes without saying. Also someone who is willing to crawl under desks with you and go out and do the stuff that makes your skin crawl cause you have to leave the house (or am I the only one who has this problem?)

    Congrats to the winner and I am really, REALLY sorry that I am not getting an advance copy of the book with typos and all. I can hardly stand to wait for April. Why are they making us wait SO LONG????

  105. That’s ridiculously awesome! And I’m jealous. Althought I really don’t need an assistant. I could do just as well with a bit more coffee. But I do frequently tell my hubby I want to hire a wife. Not for him…for me.

  106. It’s you, Mary ( in costume) and…….does no one else see the person there? I think SHE is my New Mary. Welcome. Whoever you are.

  107. I am so glad you not only got a Mary, you got The Mary! And yes, you need one. Not because you are less awesome, but because you are more awesome. And to maintain that high level of awesome, it helps to have a Mary.

    And I totally enjoyed posting about a name more than the winning. Though the winning would have been cool. But then I’d have to find a place for BeHalf. Who it turns out is not BeHalf, but Johann. And I was a little concerned if I put it in my yard that my Lab puppy would get tetanus. And now I don’t have to worry and I get to look forward to reading a book with all the printing mistakes already fixed! WooHoo!!! Winner!!!

  108. I wish I could be somebody’s Mary. I have a need to be needed kind of thing going on. I’m glad you hired her!

  109. OK. Congratulations to YOU for getting Mary, and our congratulations and sympathies to Mary. But y’all seem to be made for each other, and I’m sure you’ll have many long and happy years together.

    I’m upset that I didn’t have a random number and consequently win one of the advance copies of your book. I’m not so upset about the chicken because as cool as the fake chickens are, I’ve got 3 real stuffed (and by that I mean “taxidermy stuffed” and not “cornbread stuffing stuffed”) chickens on top of the cabinet in my kitchen. (OH YES I DO, and I have pictures to prove it!) But I really wanted the bragging rights that accrue from reading your book before everyone else. Now I have to wait and read it when it’s released, just like the COMMON people. And since there’s only one of me, I’m not common at all.

  110. Oh noes!! For a second I thought it was me too!!

    Damn all you OTHER Heidis.

    (Not really, I suppose you do have awesome names, but I really wanted that chicken… I hardly have anything in my apartment, and he would’ve made a spectacular decor choice. Well, off to Etsy then…)

  111. If things with this Mary chick don’t work out, give me a call. I make a mean drip coffee, and am adapt at sorting/filing/under-breath cursing etc etc. I don’t give back rubs though, and Mary looks like a giver. Oh well.

  112. *waves* Hi Mary!! Welcome!

    (I did actually wave at the screen when you “introduced” her. Thankfully nobody at work pays attention to me.)

    I was about to be sad that I didn’t win, but then I realized I would have bought the book even if I had won. So Whatevs.

  113. May I please have a Mary riding a Beyonce?

    Because I want to make the neighbors think I’m crazy.

  114. I just want you to know that I still love you, even though I didn’t win a chicken. My husband loves you more BECAUSE I didn’t win a chicken.

    And though I would have LOVED an advance copy of your book (FROM YOUR OWN HANDS!) I will pre-order it on my kindle and await its download with utmost anticipation.

  115. I want to know where I can buy a big metal chicken? I have looked everywhere, and have had no luck. I just want to be able to tell everyone that my house is the one with the big cock in the front yard, haha.

  116. I am so glad for both you and Mary. You sounds like the perfect team…
    I’m disappointed I didn’t win, but I’ll live.
    I’m still hoping for an email address where I can send you (or Mary) a picture of my awesome blue Goodwill New Years’ dress that is my version of your red dress, in that it made me feel furiously happy. And foolishly sexy!

  117. P.S. I don’t want to stress you out even more, but………I bet you could make a ton of money for charity by finding a way to charge us all a few bucks for signing our copies of your books. I know I’d sure happily pay extra for that!

  118. Hello? Did you not SEE the name I suggested? I named him Mother Clucker. MOTHER CLUCKER!!!
    Congrats to the a-holes. I mean winners. 😉

  119. I always thought I needed a wife – guess I really need a Mary. Welcome, Mary! Will Victor be Thing 1? Please oh please? Congrats to the winners – but now I need to find another present for hubby for his 50th.

  120. I’m very sad I didn’t win. I think Beyonce is one of the best things I’ve ever seen (I actually tracked down my own Beyonce after you posted the name of the store she was at, but I couln’t fit her in my car). You could make a fortune reselling big metal chickens in your store.

  121. I was watching a rerun of Wife Swap last night and they kept showing the Beyonce that they had on their farm throughout the whole episode for a few seconds at a time. Every time it cut to the chicken I called out “Beyonce!” It was very exciting.

  122. Even though my real name is the same as the first prize winner, I knew it wasn’t me because I don’t use my real name when commenting and also because I didn’t suggest that name for the chicken. I think it is better than mine, though. Congratulations to the winners!

    Also, I think you deserve to have an assistant and I’m glad you hired the person you wanted the most. I hope it all works out for everyone.

  123. I’m so sad I couldn’t comment on the last post. I tried 4 or 5 times, only to have the amount of comments loading crash my browser every time. *weeps*

    I would have named the chicken Victor. 🙂

    Glad you’ve got a Mary again.

  124. I assume that the capital S on Michelle S was to emphasize that all the Michelle’s that posted won? Yes? No? Well, then I will just have to have an amazing adventure finding my own Beyonce. I think I will drag my friend Courtney along with me, because even though she is terrified of birds, she actually entered the contest to win the baby Beyonce. Obviously, Beyonces’ have magical powers to protect and to comfort.

    I’m wondering what my Beyonce will look like? Maybe a chimpanzee, a donkey, or a horned toad? You never know what form a Beyonce will show up in. After all, I have two cats, but Courtney swears I only have one that keeps changing cat costumes, because she never sees them at the same time. Maybe she’s right, or maybe it’s really a chicken that just likes to wear cat costumes. I’ll keep an eye out from now on, because you never know when a Beyonce is going to knock on your door.

    Oh, and congratulations on hiring Mary! We all need a Mary in our lives. I know I do.

  125. Susan D. January 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm
    “I’m still hoping for an email address where I can send you (or Mary) a picture of my awesome blue Goodwill New Years’ dress that is my version of your red dress, in that it made me feel furiously happy. And foolishly sexy!”

    Why don’t you post it onto her FB page? I’m sure everyone would like to see it. Just a thought.

  126. I think I shall like Mary, she reminds me of someone I think I use to know as a kid.

  127. Welcome Mary to the crew.

    But you don’t need an assistant; you need minions.

  128. I think that I need a Mary. And a Metal Chicken. But I think I’ve got the chicken thing locked down, because I told my husband that if I dont have one on my door step ( and it better be appropriately spikey and rusted and ENORMOUS) on our 15th anniversary than He’s dead to me. And by dead to me, I mean I will probably stab him to death in his sleep with a rusted chicken spike.

  129. Mary!! Yay for you!! Congrats!! :0)

    And YAY FOR ME!!!!! I cant fucking wait to tuck into that book!! I shall wait by my mailbox for it everyday!!! :0)

  130. Mary seems waaaaaay too kind to be working in HR (says the former HR person– so glad I escaped!). We had a coworker hide under her desk during an anxiety attack, so the VP fired her.

  131. Welcome ablog, Mary! It sounds like you’ve been as good a friend to Jenny has she has to us. 🙂

  132. I want a Mary!
    When I was hiding under my desk in an office every day, my mother lived with us. She told me every working woman needs a wife. She was right.
    It’s hard to run the railroad and iron all the shirts. Or so people with railroads and irons tell me.

  133. Someday I’ll need a Mary. Right now I just need a hammer. Or a bath. Or a drink. Sometimes it’s hard to decide.
    Congratulations on your first employee!?

  134. Congrats to the winners!! Mary looks like a fucking awesome person!!! I would love to need an awesome assistant. Until then, I’ll live with the imaginary one who looks like whichever handsome man from Lord of the Rings I feel like he should look like that day. 😀

  135. It’s actually a relief not to win, because my wife pointed out my neighbor, Bang Bang McTavish, would likely not feel honored to have a recycled steel cock named after him.

  136. Congrats to Mary, with best wishes…and just a tiny bit of jealousy.

  137. Ok so maybe it’s bad that I’m totally not phased to find a picture of a Cat in the Hat and then learn that she’s your assistant. Maybe it’s because tonight’s pain relief was brought to you by the fine folks at Tanqueray. Maybe it’s because I’m still telling my husband that “it could have been towels” whenever I bring home .. well… anything at this point. Or maybe, just maybe because you’ve warped my sense of humor so much that I expect that to be a normal part of the interview process and am now thinking that “dressing in your favorite Dr. Seuss character” will be part of my next round of hires. Because then when someone shows up in a Grinch costume I know not to hire them because who the hell doesn’t like Christmas?!

  138. Good luck and somedays I feel like I need an assistant just so I can sleep. That might be though cause I have a 5 month old and a three year old.

  139. The best part of having Mary as your assistant? No matter how ridiculous the zany antics you get into together become, by the time Victor gets home they’ll be all cleaned up and HE’LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

    Until you post it on here.


    Cat In The Hat 2: Silly Cat; Don’t Post That!

  140. So after posting that comment I was curious to find out if there was a sequel to The Cat In The Hat, and there is (The Cat In The Hat Comes Back). In the wikipedia description of the book, it says “The book ends in a burst of flamboyant versification” but at first I read it as “The book ends in a burst of flamboyant vivisection” and I was thinking HOW IS THAT APPROPRIATE FOR KIDS THIS IS TERRIBLE but then I figured out what it really said and now I have all this righteous indignation sitting around going to waste, so, um… what’s the deal with airline food? And why are movies so dang expensive? Back in my day… grrrr….

  141. Okay, I really can’t figure out what’s going on in that picture. There is a Cat in the Hat (awesome), but it kind of looks like your arm is amputated, so I’m assuming you recently regrew an arm?

  142. Also, if you recently regrew an arm, you should probably teach classes on it or something. You’d probably get really rich and become a military asset or something. I think this would be good for america.

  143. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for Mary or incredibly jealous of the outfit and make-up! Little question for the lovely Mary (and you too of course); this is going to seem completely random but do you know if the Beyonce mini-clones are available in to ship to the UK? It being CNY and all this week I decided to look up what Chinese Zodiac sign I was and I’m a Metal Rooster, yep a Metal Rooster! (and should I be worried that the first thing I thought was – ‘must get a Beyonce’ rather than ‘should bore other half with that info’ ?). If not I’m just going to have to tell my boyfriend we’re off to the States for our next holiday if only to set up a PO Box.
    Thanks heaps for helping keep me sane-ish and happy.


  144. I just want to go on record as saying I think this is a GREAT picture. You look beautiful and radiant.

  145. I echo others when I say “Welcome Mary!” and I would like one of my own. She looks sheer awesome.

  146. Am I the only person to be just a … little… bit… relieved… I didn’t actually win Johan Sebastian? It sounds like he has gone to a much better home – congratulations winners! Very sad not to have a book though. Also, I’d like to welcome Mary – you’re bound to have fun! J x

  147. hmm…Mary looks a bit like you around the eyes…are you sure you did not dress up, take two pictures, and Photoshop together? You hired yourself! Saves on taxes, I’d think…

  148. This has absolutely nothing to do with your post’s topic. Your smile is so gorgeous! I hope everybody gets to see it often 🙂

  149. 1. Congrats on the Mary. If you find a flock of these around, do let me know. It would be worth the airfare.
    2. good call on the chicken name–it couldn’t have been easy. I still voted for James Hetfield, but your choice is admirable.
    3. My Towel Story worked: “where’d you get this postcard? ” (it has no stamp.) “I got it with a peshtamel from someone in Turkey whom I met on line who likes me.” He flips the card over a couple times. “Where is it?” “Where’s what?” Flip, flip. I give in: “The towel? It’s in my drawer. I’m saving it.” “Why did you put it in your drawer instead of showing it to me?” (Because you flip freaking out when I mention towels, or bringing anything into the house.) “Because we don’t need it right now. We have some.” So now I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be able to say: “I got it from someone in Chicken whom I met online who likes me.” But it’s good. I don’t think that one would have worked out so well.

  150. I am disappointed that I missed out on the chance to win the chicken, but that’s what I get for only getting around to blogs every other weekend. ( I think I need an assistant too!) I have to say…. I drive past a garden supply store on a daily basis that has a HUGE metal chicken in front of it and every time I do I laugh a little and say to myself “At least it’s not towels.”

  151. Congrats on your Mary!
    Now I have this strong urge to go put on a costume… 🙂

  152. Oh no, I completely missed out on this unique opportunity-BALLS!! I have been looking for the life size Beyounce since your post, congrats to the winners and welcome aboard, Mary:-)

  153. I pray to someone named Mary most days and I just broke down and hired an assistant named Jenny. She has dubbed herself the “Coordinator of Chaos”. Good move by the way – we need you!

  154. Never did I imagine that one day I would be incredibly disappointed at not winning a metal chicken.
    And yet…


  156. I love the internet. My college room-mate just posted a picture of a small metal chicken on her facebook. I made a goofy comment that she would be my hero of the month if that was the chicken the bloggess was giving away. Then, curious, I opened your site to do some chicken-comparison, and indeed it was. Congrats to Heidi (BTW, she is fun and awesome, and deserving of metal chicken. She even has a mom whose only question when I answered the phone with “Heidi’s House of Whores; Blond Brunette or Redhead” was to ask who the brunette was. 🙂

    I love small worlds 🙂

  157. You were smart to know what you needed and ask for it.

    Welcome to Mary & kudos for accepting a job so you-shaped. I hope you remember to insist on opportunities to grow that you want, or paid holidays,,whichever will make you happier.

  158. if you need a second assistant, i would do it for free. i need a bit of work experience. i live in austin.

  159. I am so sad. I thought a desk Beyonce is perfect for me! It will help to remind me that sometimes you need to stop and laugh at a chicken. Just laugh and enjoy a moment each day. Then I found out the only shipping option to Canada is $32. I decided to skip laughing at that, and frown at Zazzle instead. Wish you could talk them into a more reasonable shipping offer for across the border!


    I hope you two are very happy & productive together… also, please do pick one date for all of us to buy your book on Amazon, because if we all do it the same day, we can push your book up into first place and get you some nice PR.

  161. So… I am pretty sure that you need to see this… plus I love the drunk and pregnant. I told my BFF I had found this blog and that you had to be my long lost sister, and that I was pretty sure it was obvious you were not committing fetal alcoholism, but were enjoying one party on one day which I am pretty sure is my favorite freaking holiday of all time!

  162. Mary sounds awesome and wonderful, and awesome. Wait I said that already. I wish I had someone that would sit under desks with me when life gets overwhelming and I don’t want to exist any more.

  163. I love it. “I told twitter.” It’s like “putting it out to the universe”, but in this case, the universe can talk back.

  164. Hi Jenny, I have a Mary, too. But he’s not my assistant, he’s just a really really really good friend who keeps me grounded and is my anchor. He takes me places I would never otherwise go, because the idea of going there alone is far too intimidating.

    The thing is – he doesn’t know it, because I haven’t told him. He’s just naturally really good for me and the awesomest dude ever. He’s my Mary :).

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