UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, Giant metal chickens are everywhere, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.
The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."
Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,595 thoughts on “UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Well since yours is a *giant* metal chicken named Beyonce and this is a baby version, the obvious choice for a name (to me, anyway) is Blue Ivy!

  3. I am utter intreiged by the tool holding babyBeyonce’s feet down in the second photo! It is like it just appeared there. I am fairly sure you can’t post babyBeyonce to Australia, but if you were too, i would totally name her Lorraine!

  10. Wait — would a spike used to kill a vampire actually be bloody? I didn’t think vampires had blood. Other than that, though, the scene looks totally realistic.

    Are you actually giving away the chicken? Because it looks like Ferris Mewler might be thinking about using it as a back-scratcher, and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.

  11. That is the cutest fucking baby dead duck I have *ever* seen. The cross and the spike? It’s all Duffy, the Duckpire Slayer. I think I just melted from a heart attack.

    Anywho, the male Beyonce? Caw-L. Of course.

  12. I saw another Beyonce the other week, obviously I had to take a photo! Will put it on face book, eventually…..I think if the newer chicken is definately a boy, and it’s a mini me of Beyonce…..Surely Vern would be appropriate? Alas I also live in Oz, but worth a go?! Much love xxxx

  13. I would love a mini-beyonce – he/she/it/xi would make the perfect decoration for my new dorm room. I have to establish myself in the college pecking order somehow! I’d name it… Gilbert Gottfried, and giggle in contentment as it mentally screeched into my ear through the night.

  14. If I were the lucky person selected, I would name him Ramses. He’d confuse the hell out of my ducks (Matilda, Delta Dawn and Gary) and all 8 of our barn cats (Touche, Tank, Violet, Buckaroo, Cocoa, Gavin, Sylvia & Lou Reed). Send Ramses home to Oregon!

  15. Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus.

    The 5th.

    On account of me having named other inanimate objects Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus since High School. FACT.

    Handle it.

  17. The OBVIOUS name for this little metal chicken is “Lil’ Kim”

    Failing that… Englebert Humperdink

  18. Since my husband watches Home Improvement (still) with a passion, the first thing through my head was “Duc-t tape” Or however you would type it grossly overpronounced and punctuated with spit.

    Also running through my head was a new teen paranormal drama called “Ducky the Vampire Slayer”. It’s the only way stupid prissy vampires could get any cuter.
    Wait, no, the duck with glitter. There we go.

  20. I’d name her Edna. I have no idea why but that is the name that popped into my head when I saw her. I think you have to go with your gut when it comes to metal chickens.

  22. Eunice, because I’ve never known anyone named Eunice. I hear her saying “Girl…. go git me a Co-Cola!”

  23. Would totally name it Tyrannosaurus Banks… and call it Tyra for short…

    Or not…

    Either way I’m naming something that heh.

    I already have a purple fish named Tyrannosaurus and I call him Ty… Even though it’s a boy… we refer to him as “her”. Okay OT.

  24. I love the vampire hunter duck (and I HATE vampire hunters).

    I’d probably name the mini-Beyonce Missy Insomnia.

  25. I’d name it Pollito Chicken. Cuz Spanglish rocks like that. Also? It’s middle name would be Barbie cuz my 4 year old names EVERYTHING Barbie. I’m even driving The Barbiemobile. I *know*! Dreams do come true!!!

  28. I’m very curious to know what the person looks like who set up that baby head display…

    Looking at the feet, I think I’d go with Rusty for the mini metal chick.

  33. Pemberton Mackleby. 🙂 and he’s made out of COKE cans! Its like everything I love in the world had sex and then laid an egg, and Pemberton hatched out of it.! 🙂

  34. I’d name him Cokie. Maybe for the fact that his body is made out of a coke can. Maybe for the habit my husband would think I must have developed to want a metal chicken in the house. Because I do. I do want that metal chicken.

    Also, I’m going to need to find one of those markets when we visit my husband’s family in rural Texas later this year. Baby’s heads on spikes and stuffed ducklings are way better than any merchandise at our local mall.

  35. Well, it seems that everything that my hubby and I name has to have a Star trek, or TV inspired name… and so I’d probably have to name it Carrie, because then we’d be afraid it was going to murder us in our sleep.

  36. i’d probably name him:
    tic tac taco
    because i mean, you’d never put tic tacs on tacos.
    even though that has nothing to do with anything, i swear when i said the name, the chicken gave a little smile.

  37. Figarro… I think he is a boy chicken… rooster that is and I bet he would sing if he only had a heart…

  38. Glen Coco. So when I walk by him I say ” you go glen coco! And none for Gretchen Weiners bye”

  39. I would name her Holly S. Hitsnacks, clearly.

    And I would leave her in front of my best friend’s door in the middle of the night, because someone (not me) left a set of stacking dolls in her front yard in the middle of the night recently, and it’s freaking her right the fuck out. She thinks it’s the yardsale mafia or something. Clearly, this means that I must leave random things in her yard at regular intervals just to watch her slowly go insane from the resulting paranoia.

    It’s what any good friend would do.

  40. He rather looks like a Heathcliff to me. The rakish air, with a sense of tragic foreboding lurking just beneath the surface. Or that could be rust, I suppose. In any case, he just screams out “HEATHCLIFF!”

  41. I would name her Pepsi, just because I would have to justify the parts of a coke can used to make the amazing chicken

  42. I would call him George Orwell. He could herd the flock of plastic pink flamingos that hangs out in my back yard. And scare away the geese.

  45. Although Blue Ivy was a thought I had too, it didn’t seem to fit…

    I’m voting for Jermaine Dupree ’cause he’s little and kinda grows on you the more you think about it.

  46. It’s 2:30am. I’m coding like an idiot. And then your tweet about ducklings murdering vampires. Now I’ve stopped coding and I’m about to go rock myself to sleep in the corner. Ring ring, motherfucker.

  50. I am laughing into a pillow so I don’t wake my hub. For some strange reason he has put up with my craziness for 40 (FOUR-ZERO!) years. I think we deserve a Beyonce` chicken!

  53. Fred. Only because I was never able to name anything Fred as a child for fear of insulting my father but in this case, dad would love his namesake. 🙂

  55. I would name it moosefaces 🙂 Yeah I know it’s named after my Twitter account, but I love that name. So random…so awesome.

  56. Naming a metal chicken is much harder than one would think… But I’d have to go with James Van Der Beak

  57. It’s pretty obvious that that there is a Ke$ha next to Ferris Mewler. She’d confuse the heck out of the border collie who is both incredibly intrigued by the local emu (OMG! I luuurve to chase birds!) and afraid of it (OMG! It is enormous!). It’s funny to watch these conflicting emotions take their turns in her brain in rapid succession.

    Or Marie Curie. It could also be a Marie Curie.

  60. I love Beyonce’s. My dad bought me a mini flock of Beyonce’s for my birthday this year after we read your post about learning to pick your battles. My mother was very confused as to why my father insisted on purchasing a flock of metal chickens for my birthday (especially since one of them was missing a head), but she rolled her eyes and let him because she just doesn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

    If I get this chicken, I’d name him Freddie Mercury.

  61. He just looks like a Buckminster Fuller to me. It’s such a wacky name that bespeaks dignity and hilarity at the same time. Doesn’t it just resonate with you? Maybe it’s just the synesthesia talking, but the colors of the word even match the colors on the chicken!

    Also, posts like this just affirm that my life goal is to be like you. And my globe-trotting super star art history professor, but why not both? Totally diggin’ Martin Van Buren there.

  63. Wow. He’s marvelous. What the hell would I name him? I’m horrible at naming things, taking months and months to make lists. I used to be particularly fond of the name Fred for things like black goldfish and dogwood trees, but he doesn’t look much like a Fred. I’d have to give it some thought.

  64. Horribly, I would name it Coco Sheen. Because it’s made of coca-cola cans, and they used to put actual cocaine in coke, and that made me think of Charlie Sheen, but I don’t want it to remind me of Charlie Sheen so the only next logical step is Coco Sheen, which makes me think “coke machine”, which could either distribute the drug or the drink. Either way, enjoy the ride before the crash.

    Also: Holy Shiznit The Duck Totally Made Up For Everthing.

  65. Clucky McCluckerson aka The Biggest Cock on the Block. I hear he killed Colonel Sanders.

  66. I’d name him Rihanna, of course, because every good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

    Also, I know you’re picking randomly, but my husband has been deployed and is coming home soon… and it would fantastic for him to come home to a chicken staring at him. And it’s small, so I could move it around and have it peeking out at him in various places… and act like I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe he’ll think he’s the ONLY ONE who can see it.

    Hmm. Even if I don’t win this one, I might have to go find one of my own anyway…

  68. Ethel if its a girl.
    Herschel Walker if its a boy.

    Also, Martin Van Buren seems more like a bowler than a top hat kinda guy. Either that or he needs more gold chains and can really take off in the hip hop direction with a baseball cap designating his regional loyalties in the rap wars. Just a suggestion for ways to branch him out and reach a broader audience. Plus, no one, not even Victor could deny that awesomeness.

  69. Vladimir Fisticuffs! My mom desperately wants a Beyonce-like chicken so she can screw with my dad when she’s bored on the weekends. Please let me win Mr. Vladimir Fisticuffs, Esq. so I can make her dream a reality!

  72. “We’ve go to do something about that duck,” (say it like the wife in “Babe”)
    I wish we had random taxidermy in Oregon. You Texans have all the luck!

  73. I would name him Eric Northman and place him in my bedroom, probably on top of my dresser. That way I can tell people that Eric Northman is in my bedroom, and I won’t be lying. Of course, I will then have to explain to people how Eric Northman ended up in my bedroom, which would involve telling them the story of the original Beyonce. Therefore sharing the great joy of Beyonce with anyone who will stand still long enough for me to get my story out.

  74. Fiddlesworth?
    My boyfriend named our rabbit Traffic Cone, so I’m sure he’ll have something better

  75. I need this chicken. I have a serious coke addiction…as in Coca-Cola, not coke. I can’t afford to have a coke addiction…well, I can’t really afford my Coca-Cola addiction, but it’s way cheaper than coke…from what I understand.

    Anyway, I squealed really loudly that I needed the chicken when I read that you were giving it away, and my daughter looked at my laptop, looked at me and patted me on the head before wandering away.

    Also, I’d name him Willis…because, obviously.

  78. ramshackle snugglesworth the seventeenth.
    because obviously he comes from a long line of proud lawn ornaments and rusty metal contraptions that have made people happy for centuries.
    and twisted rusty metal just screams snuggley.
    that and tetanus.

  79. No idea why, but I looked a him and immediately said “HI Lennon!! Come play with me!!!!”

  80. I think he has to be Travis Mandelbaum. I’m not sure why, that’s just what he told me when I saw the picture.

  81. I would name him Cocka-Doodle-cola.

    That way anytime I see someone mention having to call the CDC, I can laugh instead of panic!!

  85. I’d name him Bubbles because that’s the first thing that came to mind when I saw him. I hope I win, because I already love him 🙂

  86. OMG…this is one of your best posts ever! I must have a mini-giant-metal-Beyonce-chicken. Seriously, it has my name written on there….somewhere!

    You crack me up. Love love love you! These posts make me smile.

  87. Oh…and this post rocked and is now in my top 10 favorite Bloggess blog posts of all time, not that I have such a list, yet, but I can add that to my Thing-To-Do-When-I-Can’t-Sleep list. I don’t actually have one of those either, but I guess I have something to do tonight when I can’t sleep.

  93. Emma, in honor of my friend’s leopard gecko who turned out to be a boy and clearly needed to be named Snoopy thereafter. I was a bit worried that he would be upset by the name switch but everything turned out OK.

  94. Cocalicious Thorazine. Cocalicious in obvious reference to Beyonce and Thorazine so I could sit around singing ‘Thorazine, Dont let the days go by! Thorazine’ set to the tune of ‘Glycerine’ in homage to Gavin Rossdale’s Hair.

  95. I would name him Valfrid, a Swedish name that means “strong or powerful peace” and send him to my best friend from high school. He would be the long distance pen pal to my chicken Sven (pronounced sh-ven) who lives on my bookcase and was given to me by my friend years ago.

    When I visited my friend’s house at Christmas I noticed that it was sadly lacking in chicken influences. Since we’ve traded chicken mementos for years, I see this as a sign that she needs larger chickens with definite personality who her family can not easily store in cupboards.

  97. Bambi, because the name invokes images of sweet, doe eyed cartoon deers and/or large chested blonds who may or may not be strippers. And both of these are the exact opposite of mini metal chicken. Plus my four year old insists on naming almost everything Bambi right now and I’m not sure why.

  98. I think it’s a one-named chicken, for sure. Sting and Flash were the first things that popped into my head. If not that, James Hetfield.

  101. I would name her wheezer. That name reminds me of when I read the Beyonce post to my best friend at work and we were laughing so hard we were just wheezing. It took me 30 minutes to read it outloud because we were laughing so hard. Mostly because that is the kind of stuff we do…while clam diggin’, in tank tops and neoprenes, in 40 degree weather, wearing santa hats, turning cartwheels and yelling merry christmas to everyone on the beach.

  104. I love him! He is outstanding. Therefore I would name him Wilbur because I like the name Wilbur. And I like him.
    Ferris Mewler looks like my Maggie would look if she had pointy ears. She lost the eartips to frostbite 🙁

  105. Weirdest thing, I was thinking about the coke can that made up part of her body here and trying to come up with a name based around that and the odd welding job on her and the name ‘Burnt Toast’ popped into my head. And now I can’t think of another name.

    Also I finally watched fight club tonight. I think that ending counts as a happy one.

  106. If it’s a “he” then he should be named Cogburn, as in Rooster Cogburn(male chicken, get it??), the movie staring John Wayne and Katherine Hepburn, two badass people if there were any. A female would be be Eula Goodnight(Hepburn) who Rooster Cogburn unwillingly teams up with to find the killers of her father. And he/she looks like it was killed and put back together almost indiscriminately, so it’s all perfect.

  107. He looks very distinguished, so I shall call him Nigel. Mind you, I’ve just chosen a name for a mini giant metal chicken based on a (now dead, but not taxidermied) gerbil I had in college. Love.

  108. The pressure to have a witty comment in case I’m picked is huge. I’m sweaty. I would love a beyonce to remind me of our strength and kindness as I fight demons. Demons much like your vampire hunting duckling fights – but less bloody. Just as much quacking though.

  109. I’m torn between Mr. Peanut and Rockefeller, because it looks like he’s got a monocle!

  112. I’m thinking of naming him Duck’s Cousin because my parents have an antique wooden duck decoy named Duck & he has a brother named Duck’s Brother that isn’t a duck at all but some kind of fancy wooden tray & my father always said it was fine because Duck was too stupid to know better. So I think Ducks Cousin would fit in perfectly. I know what you’re thinking, Duck’s Cousin is not only not a duck but also not even wood. We already established Duck is to stupid to knowbetter.

  115. Delilah. Because here in Wales, I’m sure the only person nearly as big as Beyonce HAS to be Tom Jones. Sadly . And then every day when I come home, I can sing “oh, oh, OH, De-LIE-lah “.

    Plus, she looks like a Delilah.

  116. Chester A. Arthur, because 1, I didn’t know we’d had a president named Chester A. Arthur until tonight, and, B, on Wikipedia’s list of president’s of the US, he’s wearing a fur trimmed coat. Chester A. Arthur is a flashy, but small, motherfucker.

  117. I would name him Thursday Last, after the literary detective, Thursday Next in Jasper Fforde’s books, but I would change Next to Last because there can only be one Thursday Next, and maybe because I like to mix it up a bit. P.S. Are you sure it wasn’t for you, and Victor just said you couldn’t keep it?

  118. hmmm, it’s 11:47pm on a school night (so obviously i can’t sleep) and i am having the hardest time coming up with a witty name. i know my husband would be all over it with the best name ever so i guess i’ll wait to share my name tomorrow. But i just had to say that my posse of teachers that i work with would be so flippin excited to get this! We all love you and Beyonce and we have talked about getting our own and passing it around to whoever had a horrible day with the kiddos, or just needs a little MF-ing love.

  119. Oh my god! He’s fantastic. I never call things by their names: Pixie (dog) is Kitten, Izzo (dog) is Mister, Nuggett (dog) is Big Un, and Peaches (cat) was Fatty. I’d have to call him Dickie because his name would be Johnny Cochran!

  120. I can’t help it.

    It has to be done.

    His name is….Captain Jack Harkness. Because he’s a cocky sonofabitch made of pure effing AWESOME.

  121. Well, since I been up all night puking my guts out alongside my five – count them, FIVE – puking children, I think I most deserve to take Colonel Sanders home. He’s my secret recipe.

  122. My sister and I would name him Sir Geyser Bunyan and he would go on mystical quests with us and we would take pictures and send them to you. Like Sir Geyser Bunyan vs. the twin borzoi bozos.

  123. Archduke McRooster Von Fowlencluck. If it makes you feel better, he’d have company. I have a 2 ft. tall metal mariachi band in my garden. There’s a place in Pittsboro, NC that has several hundred random metal stuff..including a chicken that makes Beyonce look like a dwarf..an 8 ft. tall metal giraffe, a donkey, a turtle…whatever you want in the way of colorful metal lawn ornaments…it’s there. There’s also another place in Raleigh with a bunch as well..including little lawn jockey’s riding alligators. Who doesn’t need one of those?!

    I left a chicken on my aunt’s front porch for Christmas with a sign that read, “Merry Cluckin’ Christmas!” That topped last years gift of a pooping gnome.

  125. His name is obviously Napoleon Bonaparte, dont mention his height, as he’s got a sort of short chicken complex…

  127. I’m thinking that chicken looks like a Queen Elizabeth to me. Never abbreviated. It could hang out in my dorm room and freak my roommates out.

  128. I thought it was a girl, until you mentioned ‘him’. If it’s a male, his name would be pancho. If it’s a female, her name would be janice. In either case, the middle name would be shitsnack. I’ve never heard that before reading this, and I’m a fan for life.

  129. I haven’t quite settled on the name yet but it would have to have something to do with blue balls. After all, he is a cock and and half blue..and my other half keeps accusing me of blue balls. So, perhaps it will come to me soon.

    Ah, there we have it: Mr Cojones Azul 😀

  130. You are my new bff! Love reading your stuff. . . . and the chicken. . . . Cluckleberry.

  131. Clearly, it’s Kitty. Kitty, the Metal Chicken. I can’t get past the literalness of the photo.

  132. In case you don’t want to read to the end ..we picked Archibald Henry

    My husband is watching Doctor Who and I keep disrupting him…
    Me: Sorry but this is important. What would you name this Chicken?
    Him: I don’t know …Roberto <–(not what we chose)
    He goes back to watching ..I look through the comments.
    Me: Someone already picked that. I don't like that anyhow.
    Him: …
    Me: What would you name him? (Now sounding a little panicky)
    Him: I don't know.
    I show him the photo again. He turns and looks because he knows if he doesn't I won't leave him alone.
    Him: Henry after my uncle Archibald Henry
    Me: I like Archibald
    I look at the photo again. I turn my computer towards him.
    Me: Does he look like an Archibald? (Now I'm concerned.)
    Him: I think so. (This time he doesn't turn from the TV.)
    Me: Are you sure?
    He finally turns and looks..
    Him: Yeah he looks like an Archibald.
    Me: How do you spell that…

  133. I would name her “Sore Feet Sharp Tail” mainly because my feet are sore and I am drawing a blank at moment. her tail looks sharp also….

  134. The mini-Beyonce? That’s Osbert, obviously. Osbert McNugget the third, in fact. I’m pretty sure he plays the ukulele and is disturbingly addicted to cheese.

  135. I’d have to name her Reginald, but don’t ask why. And she’d be *treasured* at my house. I would even consider a smallish shrine/installation and she’d be the centerpiece. Oh, and I might even take her to work!

  136. He’s obviously Cluck Norris the chicken who can do anything. Including annoy my normally level headed husband who has to put up with my crazy

  137. Snooki Vanderquack. But she adopted Vander as her nickname after that snooki girl from jersey rose to fame.

    Of course then we’ll walk around calling her “Van derrrr?” as if we’re dwarf pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean. (because the ‘d’ is silent) (and the ‘r’ is long).

    >.>
    <.<

  142. If I’m a dancing queen, he can be my Fernando. I will even take him to shows (though we don’t play disco) and send you pictures of his rock star career. (I’m pleased to see you’re already acclimating him to cats. My huge beast is 17 pounds of partly-Maine Coone muscle, so we need metal roosters who can handle it!)

  144. Chickens make me hungry so Id probably name her Fritata Frances or Holly Taco.

    Thank you,
    Casey

  146. I would name him: MystiKal McGee

    I WANT THAT ROOSTER! I don’t know why….I HATE Rooster decorations…..But this, this I would display. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!

  148. so….is this a random selection or a naming contest? señor cock-a-cola deserves a life in san diego is why i am asking…

  149. Formally I’d call him Rufus Wainright, but in my circles he’ll just be known as Rufus the Mini Cock. He’s a smaller but no less of a diva-esque statue of Beyonce the Giant Chicken. I’d even crochet him a scarf to fit the persona. You can just see the smolder in his eyes… or it could be solder… hard to tell with musicians these days.

  150. I would name the chicken Millard Fillmore. No wait obviously that’s a name for a duck. Someone who has a duck bill and is possibly a mallard is definitely a Millard.

    While I think about a more appropriate name I will tell you about the Halloween when my husband refused to tell me his costume idea and I knew from his level of giddiness that I would be unprepared. He had gone to the craft store and bought many doll arms, legs, hands, and heads and put them on a necklace and belt. He went as a “baby hunter” and the doll parts were his trophies, his spoils of war.

    This metal chicken seems a bit hardened by the harsh realities of life, maybe this one is also a slayer, because as you know, into every metal brood a Slayer is born. One chick in all the world, a Chosen One who alone will peck the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. And so I will call this one Beaky the Vampire Pecker.

  152. I would name him Grimly Fiendish. I had a cat with that name once but he died and broke my heart, the bastard. So I would name the metal chicken Grimy Fiendish, in his memory. And also because metal chickens are kind of creepy. Which is a Good Thing.

  153. I would name him “Towels.” Because the Beyonce incident was how I found your site and I’m perverse like that.

    I hope no one else said that already, I skipped all the comments to avoid finding out if someone beat me to it.

  154. Asa G. Candler, like the man who acquired Coke from the inventor Pemberton just as I would like to acquire mini Beyonce from you.

  155. I am extremely jealous of Martin van Buren, you have NO idea.

    and I’d name him Liam Neeson. Obviously.

  157. Not that I expect you to ship him to Ireland, but nevertheless; Joseph Goebbels. Admittedly it’s a more suitable name for an iron-turkey, but where am I going to find one of those??

  158. I would name him Kanye… my metal chicken would strut up to anyone who was “winning” (a bit like charlie sheen but well… not) and tell them they are not winning and are in fact probably losers…. Ok maybe thats mean? but more than likely TRUE…

  160. I would probably call him Lil Motherfucker but LMF for short. He’s awesome!

  163. I would name him Seth. I’d call him Mr. Green, for short.

    Also, if I were to win it, I would send it to Seth Green because HOLY SHIT IT IS A REAL ROBOT CHICKEN.

  166. I would love to give Smadge a home.
    I’m sure you know, but if you don’t, Smadge is short for Sargent Major. We had a live chicken named Tidy Whitey,but changed it to Smadge because she was so very bossy to the other girls. Also, she would announce the arrival of every egg VERY loudly.

  167. Galano Marley Douchy-Douche McFuckerton Gaylord, Esq…

    I’ve already named my hillbilly Appalachian puppy this, but you can never have too many.

    Try it, just kind of rolls off the tongue, huh?

    That, or Kelly Rowland. Because Obviously. (Hello. Smaller than Beyonce, but with her own crazy appeal).

  169. We already have a Rhianna the hedgedogpig statue. I’m thinking she’s be named George RR Martin.

  170. I just read my earlier comment. Apparently, loss of grammar skills is a side effect of my stomach bug. That’s the worst kind! Still, Colonel Sanders would highly improve my life after the hellish night I’ve had!

  171. Lord Ferdinand Cocka-Cola the Third… For obvious reasons. He can replace our Gnome McKraken who was sadly kidnapped for our doorstep the night before we moved out of state. *shakes fists at neighbor kids* WE MISS YOU McKRACKEN!!!

  173. Edward. This rooster/chicken must have the name Edward. Mostly because of the vampire-slaying-taxidermied-duck (sp?). Because yeah, it’s too perfect. I am a Twilight fan, Beyonce fan, *and* lover of all things fowl, including the amazing duck. It just all fits together in my head like it was MEANT TO BE.

    If that doesn’t suffice, I could always name him Jay-Z… 😉 And you know they are having a kid, so I could even stretch it as far as Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward. Or maybe even Be-Zonjay?

    “Edward” is my still my favorite. Snarky enough to be understood by purists, yet obscure enough to befuddle the people who have, sadly, been unexposed to the incredible, insanely, life-changing influence of Beyonce and those like her!!

    PICK ME! Beyonce changed my life…and I would be honored to make sure Edward (or Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward, or even Be-Zonjay) would be prominently featured in many parts of my life and my blog, forever. Amen.

    Seriously, tho, pick me =) You won’t regret it.

    Much love to my favorite blogger,
    K-Z

  174. He looks kinda reggae and about 1/4 to 1/5th the height of a human so…

    …. I hereby present you with Bob Marley the Fifth or Bob Marley V.

  175. I will also give him a Mustache and a Monocle… Because he clearly lacks those and needs them to survive.

  176. If I win the awesome metal chicken, I would name him Edward (if it’s a girl) and Joan The Vampire Slayer (if it’s a boy).
    (I know the chicken has the large tail reminiscent of a rooster, so must be a boy, but what if the chicken is in disguise? Possibly hiding out from the Feds under an assumed identity?)

  177. Oddly enough, I was just thinking about Beyonce today as I went out my front door (at 3pm) and was greeted by the sound of our neighbor’s rooster crowing. We live, quite literally, across the street that defines city limits so the rooster isn’t illegally squatting…as it were. Unfortunately they didn’t have the decency to be good neighbors, like yourself, and buy a 5 ft metal rooster. If they had I would have found a flying pig with which to honor their taste.
    To add to the insanity, we actually need towels but I’d rather have Harvey…he may not be invisible but our “new” towels certainly are! ;D

  178. Me, I’d name him Ernest Borgnine because the name is so, so utterly Borgnoid. My husband said he would name him Wayne Newton. I hope it’s OK that we already have a duck made out of an old frying pan named Rusty. The duck, not the frying pan.

  179. Well my housemate’s called Anna and she would absolutely hate it so I would have to go with… “Perveus, Anna’s-Night-Stalker.”

  182. “Tin Rizzo” because he looks like he’s ready to belt out “There are Worse Things I Could Do” (Like Buy Towels) – the remix.

  184. I’ve long had my name picked out for when I find my own perfect metal chicken- Lady Gaga. Since this one is a wee little chick, maybe I’d go with Baby Gaga, which also works well. What’s weird is I’m indecisive and currently pregnant, and I cant pick a name for my fetus, but I have a name for a metal chicken I dont actually have yet. (Living in the south, there is no shortage of metal chickens around here, but none of them have ever spoken to me.) Also weird is that my friends are currently on a campaign to get me to name said fetus Beyonce. After the metal chicken, of course. So I really need this chicken. It’s fate.

  191. I would name him Tupac!!

    I was crying/laughing reading this tonight. Thanks, I TOTALLY needed that!

  192. I would have to name him Pablo Ocularis, because the first time I saw him all I could think of was that he has three eyes for some reason. Either that or he has some wicked awesome birthmarks.

    I would have to put him on top of our real chicken coop just to watch as people get all upset that a chicken is out, only to realize its just old Pablo messing with their minds.

  193. OMG! I sooo want the metal chicken. My boyfriend would be all “WTF do you have that for? You know the cat will either find a way to hurt himself with it or break it.” and my friends would shit a brick out of jealousy.

  195. Helena Handbasket, because she looks like she has been to hell and back, and who wouldn’t take that trip unless they were offered the basket… She needs love, I’ll start the necessary papers for transfer of custody!

  196. Chance Cluckman. All these Rooster Cogburn references were close, but it’s obvious to me that this chicken is a Hellfighter. He even has his own red suit and metal hat… er… head.

  197. I would name him Bock-Cock Obama, of course! Because it’s a singularly amazing honor to have a metal chicken named after you, duh! Woe betide you if you think that it’s an insult!

    Still I think Joanna #65 should get him for her husband, as much as I want him, and I really, really, want him (I collect Coca Cola tin signs, and this is the loudest one I’ve ever seen!) both to thank them both for their service to this country, and because driving him slowly crazy sounds HYSTERICAL!

    I hope I’m not the only whack-a-doodle who thinks so!

    Mumsi “I need me one-a them chickens” McMullin

  199. Chanticleer.

    Or Clancy (I used to be a bartender, and I had this oversexed 90-year-old customer who used to sexually harass me (although he thought he was just being nice – gah!), and I swore revenge that I would name a dog after him but my husband refuses to get a dog and it’s been 20 years now so I need to wreak my revenge. This rooster reminds me of that Clancy.

  205. I would name him “Baron Franklin Von Cluckenbaum” and proudly display him wearing a top hat and a monocle, because he’s one bad-ass Bond villain of a metal chicken!

  206. Not sure if second thoughts are allowed but the gerbils in my head are not sleeping….and I remembered a story….

    Another name T-MARTIN….in honor of a former boss who called downstairs once upon a time and asked me the question “Do chickens have balls”? (This was back in pre-google times and I was the office trivia person) It was the strangest trivia question I had EVER been asked and I could not stop laughing…..tears down the face…sore belly etc. My dear sweet Mom, who I had been on the phone with at the time, found it hysterical too……so a week later….a beanie baby chicken showed up in the mail with two pom-poms sewed to his nether regions. Sadly, that beanie baby chicken is no longer with us….so a metal chicken named in honor of the question “Do chickens have balls?” seems fitting…..in a very middle of the night kind of way!!!!

  211. I need that metal chicken. I’d call her ‘Beyonce II’ because I don’t have your wit and intelligence, and instead just emulate it. But it’s the most sincere form of flattery, right?

  213. He looks like Camilla and Gonzo’s love child. I mean, really, check out the blue nose! So, hear me pout, GONZ-ILLA!

    It’s perfect.

  214. The thought of a Beyonce like chicken in my house thrills me beyond belief. What would i name him? Probably towels because anyone that knows me knows about your blog post and would see the humor in this. I have to say a metal chicken will be living here within a year if i have my way… in my new produce garden… as soon as i have the funds to make it happen!

  217. OMG, you just made my night. I was all cranky that I’d woken up at 3:00, but now it’s worth it. I LOVE Martin van Buren, and I didn’t think it was possible to think a taxidermied duckling would be appealing and adorable, so you have convinced me. I LOVE the scene. The cross around his neck is perfection.

    I would name the chicken, “Larry King.” Or maybe “Larry King Live.” His facial expression just says Larry King to me. I would also have to give him suspenders, of course. And he could do interviews with all the ripped-apart dog toys that used to look like cute animals. Except the spiders. We stocked up on dog-toy spiders, so only some of them are disemboweled. Larry King could interview several spiders together as members of a death-metal band. This is probably more than you needed to know.

    Thank you so much for not giving away a baby doll head on a spike or on a chain.

  224. I would name it Shaft, because in my head I hear Shaft saying, “cocka-doodle-do, baby,” all smooth and sexy like.

  226. I’ve got two (maybe three?) nameless metal chickens; thievery of two (maybe three?) of these awesome names may occur.

  232. A small Beyonce with a big blue patch? Too easy: Blue Ivy. Or Ivy Blue? What did Human Beyonce name her kid? That name.

  233. I would name him Colonel Sanders and then go get a bucket of KFC (grilled) and eat it in front of him. So he knows who’s boss.

  235. First – Martin Van Buren the Vampire Hunter is awesome. 🙂
    Now, when I saw the chicken (rooster?) the first name that popped into my head was Steven Tyler. So I’m going with that. 🙂

  236. Seeing as your big rooster is Beyonce, I’d have to go with Blue Ivy for this little one. It’s even got a bit of beautiful blue on the tail!

    I love the vamp-chickie!

  238. Clearly, no one is seeing the resemblance of this chicken to Carol Burnett’s character, Mrs. Wiggins. Remember? Tim Conway would be Mr. Tudball, and she would shuffle into his office all blonde bombshell ditzyness, and he’d yell at her for not using the office intercom correctly? Yes? Yes? Ah, I knew you’d see it eventually.

  240. Babyonce (baby- Beyonce) …. or Blue Ivy Carver (not Carter, but Carver – get it? Carve up the Sunday chicken?? ha!)

  241. If I ever get pregnant (i’m 26, I got time), I would have the most awesome time telling people what my baby’s name would be. Dorcas. Eugene. Maynard. Brunhilda. Lillicrap. Ah, I get a bit dreamy-eyed just thinking about the prank potential. No idea what I would actually name a kid- something that wouldn’t get them beaten up, I guess. But for the first 9 months? Free reign. I’d be really serious, and make people politely say how lovely they are — ‘We’ve thought about it for so long, and Renesmee and Sylvespa are just soooo beautiful and MEANGINFUL’…. ‘Atreyu for a boy, Eponnee-Rae for a girl, the Ouiji board helped us out….’ But my favourite prank of all, actually came from my cousin Rick. It’s so awesome, I would buy a pet just to use it. VINYL BAXTER. Vin for short. sigh!

  242. As I already have a mannequin named Gertrude, I’m thinking Harriet would be good. I’m a traditionalist. In a completely non-traditional sort of way. And I totally had zombified baby heads on spikes on my front lawn for Halloween this year. After I tore the limbs off to make ice cubes for my punch. It was amazing.

  244. I think that Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII, as that shiny and rather villainous looking metallic piece of poultry art shall be known, would make a perfect surprise present on my darling girlfriend’s dinner table! She would recoil first in fear, then confusion, but once she got a better look I’m fairly positive she wouldn’t stop giggling with glee for a week. I want the giggling! A whole week of it!

    Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII it is.
    Your stories are wonderful, and my daily internetting is better for having read them. Carry on!

  245. I would name him Larry because I think Larry is a very good name for animals. I had a cat and a hamster named Larry. We called the cat Carl so we would not confuse the hamster. It worked out well.

  246. I had a dream once wherein I owned a chicken named Sherbock Holmes. This chicken might need a jaunty hat to live up to the name, but I’m fairly sure I could make that happen.

  247. The only logical name is Ceyonce. That way when you see the next awesome metal chicken, Victor will HAVE to see the logic of adding Deyonce to the clan. You’ll wind up with a whole metal chicken army and can then take over the world.

  248. CLEARLY his name is Reginald von Drattersben. Also, he hates it when you are too lazy to say his whole name and call him Reg or Reggie. ESPECIALLY Reggie; because his ex-gf called him that. That deceitful wench.

  249. I would name him MC Hammer. I am proficient at beak reading and clearly he is saying “Hammer Time!” And also I work from home, by myself, because I somehow managed to kill off all my other coworkers (Bill Amaryllis and Caliope Cyclamen) and I really need MC Hammer to keep me company.

  251. also @daffodil101 this reminds me of my friend who convinced her mother that if they had a daughter she would be Cli-TOR-is…
    Her mum clearly had no knowledge of female anatomy because she happily told all of her well-to-do friends about the lovely unique name her new granddaughter would have. Of course, they were either all too polite to say anything or had no idea what the love button is because her mother never figured it out and was somewhat disappointed it was a boy.
    They called him Seth.

  253. Had several things that ran thru my mind this morning…however he is obviously a boy chicken and since I am a fan of coffee and not soda, I would name him Juan Valdez.

  254. Before I even saw the picture with the cool pointy claw stick on Harry Poppins feet, I thought this is exactly what I need to store my polka dot umbrella named Jane K. Poke! After all, I never use Ms. Poke and she hasn’t seemed happy rolling around in my floor board waiting to make her rainy day debut. However, she and Harry Poppins can be the star of my passenger seat when I’m driving around (obviously buckled in for safety), and the guardian of my car when I’m parked. After all, Harry Poppins can carefully hold Ms. Poke on his back toes so she can rest, while he furtively stares out from my dashboard for any ne’re-do-wells looking to steal my ten-year-old car (because it’s awesome too). Then on Harry Poppins’ days off–which would be most, since he’s semi-retired–he and Ms. Poke can sit out on my porch or deck and she will finally shine protecting Harry from the sun or rain, as the case may be. Oh, and of course right now, since it’s winter, they would holiday in my living room, of course.

  255. we would call him:

    Metal Fried Chicken of Death

    Evidently my spouse has been thinking on this for a little while, not sure if she is thinking of purchasing her own version of a metal chicken OR just names that would be suitable for a metal chicken…either way, i am purty darn proud of her.
    Also, i think opus (my penguin traveling partner, that way i always have a battle buddy and never go anywhere alone) has been asking for someone to talk to when i am at work.

  259. His name is obviously Kendall Lake after the paranormal hunting Knight of the First Order from “Phantoms and Photographs”. Also, I think he would confuse the heck out of my cat, Briar Rose!

  260. Rachel stole my Erik Northman suggestion, so I’ll go for Hector Coke-Mettle. You don’t have to send it to me as I live waaay up north across the pond. I would definitely put him up as a welcome greeter up on our mountain farm, though. Too bad we don’t have your types of country fairs….I may have to persuade hubby to make me one :p

    Also, I love Daffy the Duckpire Slayer. Cutest duck ebah!

    This post so made my day! 🙂

  262. Well, I name pretty much everything George, including the cell lines I culture in my lab. But I kill those a lot, so at least this George would stay with me and I could love him and pet him and cuddle him… And he’s obviously awesome, so that’d be “George, Lord of the Strut.”

  263. I absolutely love it. I would name her Coco Chanel and call her Cee Cee for short because look at her hair. Thank you for all the chuckles when I absolutely need them. I read your blog all of the time and no not because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

  264. I have been hiding in the bathroom snickering for close to thirty minutes now and have lost one of my legs. Not that it fell off. It just went back to sleep. Anyway, I’d name him Jesus. Then when the Mormon missionaries next door ask I can say for a fact of course we have Jesus in our home. Wanna meet him? Just kidding I don’t talk to those guys, but I would enjoy the joke everytime I saw them.

  265. Noodles Hahn.

    (Noodles Hahn pitched for the Cincinnati Reds in the early 1900s. He was lefthanded. I include that information only because it is extremely important).

    Also, this post made me happy. Thank you.

  266. I’m going with Georges Pompidou
    I’m living in France right now so I’m maybe biased towards a French name…but something about the superior look in the eye combined with the jaunty tail says “Pompidou” to me.

  267. I would name him Prince. Because I stil have a wierd sort of lusting facination for the odd little man left over from my teen years. And because he did perform with Beyonce once and it was fabulous!

  268. I would name him Heidi, because look at him – he is obviously standing at the top of a mountain, yodeling Riiiiiicola!

  269. And I totally almost fell on my head into the bathtub because my mother fucking left leg got bored and went to sleep. Bastard. If your leg can’t have insomnia with you who can?

  270. Elliot Ness. Because the original and the metal chicken version are equal in badassery.

  275. I need a ‘like’ button for #95 Tetanus von Lockjaw – that’s a perfectly awesome name 🙂

  278. I would name that little cutie Gordon Cock after Gordon Ramsay. Clearly he likes to cook… he is IN the kitchen…. WITH UTENSILS! It makes sense being that Gordon is hilarous and a cock ;D

  281. I would name him “His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, Vwindemier Vlandamier, Carl Alexander, Francois Reginald, Lancelot Herman (HERMAN?), Gregory James”.

    But call him Spuds for short.

  282. I, too, would name it Blue. (that was my one rhyme of the day. I only get one. With 4yo twins and 2yo I’m gonna have some ticked off preschoolers when they find out I wasted it here.)

  283. when I first saw him I was all “James Van der Beak!!!!”
    then I read through all the comments and saw that someone else Knew it was the right name, and it warmed the cockles of my heart, even that ever elusive subcocklear area.
    I know others , seeing the proper name already in print, may have felt cock-blocked, but not this gal.
    I have been thoroughly entertained by some of the suggestions and gladly internally commented “that name sucks cock”. So, not to sound cocky but, it really doesn’t matter who wins Mr.Van der Beak, I am happy.

  285. Tiberus or chick filet.

    And I have a baby scale from the 50’s full of baby heads. Why? Because it freaks out my in-laws. In scrabble letters below the scale it says, ” pounds of baby heads”

  286. I’d name him Mijnher Nico van Dusen (and the vampire hunter duck could be Abraham van Duckling). Btw: I looove Ferris Mewler, what a pretty cat….

  287. Matthew McCockaughey – yup, that’s what I’d name him. I mean, he’s from Texas, his brother’s name is Rooster – how could this chicken’s name NOT be Matthew McCockaughey?

  289. I would name it Glarg, which is a real word that means better-than-towels. And by real word, I mean a word I just made up. But all words are made up. So it is a real word.

  293. Coke-Al-Doodle-Hugh. I really hope no-one else came up with this one already… Also do you ship to England? Just asking!

  294. Art Garfunkel, because it’s like Peach Melba, or Steak Diane…you know it’s Art, but it’s Garfunkled, and plus who doesn’t want to sing Bridge Over Troubled Water off key with an awesome MC…that’s metal chicken, not motorcycle club.

  297. Xander Harris clearly ran afoul of some dubious Texas types. He must have flown the coop and flocked to the swap meet. We’d love to have him home here in Fort Worth. 🙂

  298. He’s a gangster rooster named “tiny” who struts around saying cock-a-doodle-WHO,bitch?!? Clearly needs anger management.

    My husband would die if I brought one of these home. He’s constantly saying knock knock mutherfucker. Pretty sure our daughter’s first phrases will include that one.

  302. Martin Van Buren, the tiny vampire hunting dead duckling, is totally adorable.

    And if I win, I’m calling the mini Beyonce “Simon James Alexander Ragsdale the Third.” Or maybe George.

  303. “Circumnavigation.” I’d name it “Circumnavigation.” And not to be funny. Because there’s clearly nothing funny about that name, it’s just what popped into my head first thing this mor ning. (Typos galore. DROID acting haunted. Giving up and clicking Submit.(Pleasethe ignore the

  304. Oddly enough, it is my husband who would love a metal chicken. However, since I do love him and generally want him to be happy, I’ll play!! I would name him Johann Sebastion Buck-Buck!

  306. He shall be named Johnny Cock-ran. I must have him for my sister. I’d say I’m altruistic, but I’m not. My sister bought me a big one for my porch, but I cannot return the favor because her husband is a superintendent – the neighbors might frown on a huge metal chicken on the front porch. So she needs one that is demure and can be hidden next to a tall plant if necessary.

  308. Mister Pipkin who was, heretofore, my invisible friend. Now I believe him to be both visible and, clearly, that very metal bird. And that was intended to mean “That bird right there in those photos who is made of metal and not meat” and not intended to indicate how very metal his music tastes are.

    …

    Mind you he does look pretty darn metal.

  313. I’d name him Jenny and make him read your blog posts to me and hide in the bathroom whenever we have a party. Also we’d have arguments all the time because he’d want to buy ridiculous shit, but I’d always eventually let him win. Obviously, Jenny would be a major improvement in my life.

  322. It looks like a rooster, so I’d name it Jay-Z, natch. Or Blue Ivy if you reckon it’s a girl. It is a baby Beyonce after all…

  323. My brother just had a baby and named him Keele (rhymes with steel). I keep wanting to call the baby Reminton Keele, but I’m afraid if I do they won’t let me near him. So how about Reminton Keele the 2nd?

    XOXOXOX

  325. I would name the chicken Kentucky Fried… Or Tuck for short. And on a different topic, my favorite old swap meet book I ever found was called “How Do You Spank a Porcupine?” I learned that porcupines are feisty critters and don’t make good housepets, but not the best way to punish said feisty porcupine. Book fail.

  327. Frank. He looks like a Frank. And when I get a flying pig to go on his head, the pig’s name will be Wimbley.

  328. Since I’m a New York City girl, I would have to name him Jack McCoy because not only was Law & Order badass, but I think he will properly freak out my doorman when he helps me unload my groceries. Win, win. Or something.

  333. Just read Nikki’s name – Mother Clucker – fucking love it!! She should win.

  334. *bites her lip* Oh my. It’s the time that can only be described as the butt-crack of dawn, I’m suffering from slight, and by slight, I mean “Oh my god, oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” hysteria, and my blogging hero is giving away a miniature Beyonce! Um. Um, um, um um….

    With the high potential that I will rename said metal chicken when it’s not so damn early and I’m not under so much pressure to think… probably “Cher.” Cher seems like a great name for a beautiful, colorful, wonderful metal chicken that totally isn’t towels!

  337. Well obviously I would HAVE to name the apartment sized metal chicken Victor! I mean, come on, if it wasn’t for YOUR Victor, you probably never would have gotten the original Beyonce. It would totally be in honor of Victor, he really should be quite proud that I would give do that for him.

  339. He totally looks like a Fred to me.

    But then I’d have to go searching for his twin George. And then the boyfriend would probably kill me.

    Although…

  340. My evil daughter is planning a Coke inspired room, because what relaxes a child for sleep more than pictures of a CAFFEINATED beverage? I know that she would love Princess Grace of Monaco.

  341. Ave María. That just makes me giggle. Because my family is Jewish and bilingual.

    If I find it male, possibly something containing the word “bandokadonk” , like Neil Rockwell Badonkadonk. A world-renowned biologist, botanist and evolution theorist. He and Darwin loved spitting contests.

  343. I really feel bad for that demon. He’s freaking the fuck out and looks like he needs a hug.

  345. Titty Sprinkles. Because who doesn’t look at that little chicken and not see a dignified mini Morgan Freeman?

  346. I would name him Engleburt. Not sure why but that is the vibe I get. By the way I have got to find me a copy of that corpse book! It will go perfect with my hearse and casket collection. Is it a collection if you have two of each? Anyway how awesome would it look me parked in my 62 caddy hearse Delilah, sitting in the back, Engleburt in the casket and me reading a copy of that book to him? By the way you are my new hero.

  349. Well, that’s Fawkes.. it’s what happens to a phoenix after Dumbledore dies… of course. Glad to have you back in the great state of Texas, Jenny! Nothing like a hill country market to lift your spirits!

  350. You know you and Hailey could be the first to review the corpse book on amazon. And what a steal – they want $7.50 for theirs and they only have 1 left. You are sitting on a goldmine if you decide to resell!

    I would name her Camilla – not for Prince Charles’ girlfriend, but for Gonzo’s girlfriend. That’s because once I had a real chicken and her name was Camilla. This would be like the bones of Camilla the 1st coming back.

    Glad you are back from a stressful week all safe and sound.

  352. I would give him a strong Chamorro name: Kelaguin! And, I would put him out on the front porch so that when all the other roosters on island crow, he’d stand there and stare at them like, “What? Like the sun’s not going up on it’s own!” And, I’d take him to the beach, but I wouldn’t let him out of the car because he’d get rusty and then Sommer would get tetanus because for sure Sommer would want to have a slumber party with Kelaguin and she’d want to hug him, then she’d get scratched by his rusty tail and it would all be my fault. Kelaguin, because sometimes I feel like kelaguin, all chopped up and mixed up.

  355. With his wonky looking eye he looks like the little town drunk/weird guy from every 1950 western. So I’d name him Festus.

    Martin Van Buren’s necklace is killing me.

  356. I would name him Francois and only speak to him in French accents, or little bits of french words, but I don’t know a lot of French… so it wouldn’t be a lot of words, though I do know that Balloon is Balonge!

  357. He shall be called – CoCo, the semi-giant badassedly awesome metal chicken. Obviously…

  363. I WOULD NAME HIM PAUL.

    Because see, I had poultry until some asshole complained to the county about them, and one of them was a black Polish rooster named Paul that someone shipped me all the way from the West Coast, and then he came out of the shipping cage and threw some West Coast gang signs and one of my East Coast hens was all “NUH UH SUCKA!” and plucked his eye out. BUT! He still got along just fine with the one eye and made those hens his BITCHES. Then I had to get rid of my birds and we packed Paul up and sent him several states north to my mother-in-law’s farm, and basically he’s the most well-traveled rooster EVER but I really miss being able to say I have a one-eyed black cock named Paul.

    I wouldn’t even mind that the mini-Beyonce has two eyes. That’s okay. I can PRETEND.

  364. I’d name him “Le-a” pronounced ‘Ledasha’. My stuffed penguin, Shenaynay Sheniqua, is lonely.

  365. Jay-C

    but I worry that he might miss Beyonce.

    And really, this little chicken should be able to live in the shadow of his spouse, just like his namesake

  368. I love Duckie the Vampire Slayer! The only thing better is an indoor Beyonce.

    I would name him Victor because it’s kind of an homage, but also, it would make the real Victor roll his eyes. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making our spouses think we’re just slightly crazy but knowing they love us anyways (or maybe they love us BECAUSE we’re slightly crazy–12 years into my marriage and I haven’t figured that out yet).

  371. Ludwig Von Chickenstein-

    In memory of my brother and I’s late pet cockroach. We found him in our apartment many years ago and through the magic of the Internet determined it was a German cockroach, hence his name: Ludwig Von Roachenstein. RIP, Ludwig.

  372. Because my brain is fried this morning? I would name him Shicken-chit. Too bad you’re not sending Ferris along. My cat needs some competition to get her back in the game in the cuteness department. She’s gotten lazy with the photo-ops lately, mostly doing her “sleeping lump” yoga pose for hours.

  374. That is one bad-ass (small)big metal chicken. I like how he’s all “yeah, I got scorch marks all over, and extra crazy eyes on my head, but I gots a big blue tail, and I ROCK that tail. And that there Ferris Mewler can photo-bomb me all he wants, I’ll just BBQ Fork his ass if he comes near me with those freaky mitts!”

    The Coca-Cola parts remind me of the big puffy sleeves on a certain infamous Clown Sweater, but this guy’s so bad-ass, he even ROCKs that.

    I’d name him EVIL WIL WHEATON, and he’d live on my coffee table, so I could look at him every day and remember where I was when I first saw his bad-ass self.

  375. I would name him Chairman Mao. Not because he looks like Chairman Mao or because I equate chickens with communists, but because I have always wanted a Chinese dwarf hamster named Chairman Mao. However, as you’ve proven with Beyonce, this is much more sensible than a hamster or yes, even towels.

  378. OH MY GOD I WANT A MINI BEYONCE! I would probably name him after someone famous.
    Neil Patrick Harris. I would name him Neil Patrick Harris! Yes.

  381. I happen to have a “thing” for big cocks! He should be sent to a home which will love him and squeeze him and name him George! Sadly, and much to my husbands dismay, this shall be the only cock squeezing and hugging happening in my home! But don’t worry, I will keep George far away from my husband and his jealousy issues. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want a giant colored cock named George!

  382. She needs to live in Western New York…I haven’t seen a single Beyonce up here …yet. I am SO jealous of your Texas “malls”. And she is so obviously Anastasia Beaverhousen.

  383. Cluck Kent. I would even make him a SuperChicken cape for when he flies around town saving babies whose head are on spikes.

  384. Roman Coke is his name.

    I saw your tweet when I woke up in the middle of the night the first time, but waited until the second time to check it. Glad I did. First, I laughed so hard I jolted myself fully awake. And then I spent the next hour trying to remember what I used to hear my sister say when she was refe