UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.


He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.

The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."

Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.


UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,589 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’d name him… “Not towels”

  2. Well since yours is a *giant* metal chicken named Beyonce and this is a baby version, the obvious choice for a name (to me, anyway) is Blue Ivy!

  3. I am utter intreiged by the tool holding babyBeyonce’s feet down in the second photo! It is like it just appeared there. I am fairly sure you can’t post babyBeyonce to Australia, but if you were too, i would totally name her Lorraine!

  4. Tail Blue Carter….of course

  5. If Sherman would like to meet our real egg laying hens just send him my way.

  6. O.k. I messed that up. Maybe Blue Tail Carter sounds better.

  7. Babs – because you went all like early 2000’s diva, but clearly, this is more deserving of diva who’s been around forever.

    David O'Garr recently posted Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..

  8. I’d name him Maurice

  9. Grandmaster Cluck. No question about it.

  10. Wait — would a spike used to kill a vampire actually be bloody? I didn’t think vampires had blood. Other than that, though, the scene looks totally realistic.

    Are you actually giving away the chicken? Because it looks like Ferris Mewler might be thinking about using it as a back-scratcher, and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Customer Review: The Acme EZ-Jump Personal Teleportation Device.

  11. That is the cutest fucking baby dead duck I have *ever* seen. The cross and the spike? It’s all Duffy, the Duckpire Slayer. I think I just melted from a heart attack.

    Anywho, the male Beyonce? Caw-L. Of course.

  12. 12
    fiona clough

    I saw another Beyonce the other week, obviously I had to take a photo! Will put it on face book, eventually…..I think if the newer chicken is definately a boy, and it’s a mini me of Beyonce…..Surely Vern would be appropriate? Alas I also live in Oz, but worth a go?! Much love xxxx

  13. I would love a mini-beyonce – he/she/it/xi would make the perfect decoration for my new dorm room. I have to establish myself in the college pecking order somehow! I’d name it… Gilbert Gottfried, and giggle in contentment as it mentally screeched into my ear through the night.

  14. If I were the lucky person selected, I would name him Ramses. He’d confuse the hell out of my ducks (Matilda, Delta Dawn and Gary) and all 8 of our barn cats (Touche, Tank, Violet, Buckaroo, Cocoa, Gavin, Sylvia & Lou Reed). Send Ramses home to Oregon!

  15. Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus.

    The 5th.

    On account of me having named other inanimate objects Jean-Pierre Luigi Copernicus since High School. FACT.

    Handle it.

  16. Benedict Roosterbatch. Obviously.

  17. The OBVIOUS name for this little metal chicken is “Lil’ Kim”

    Failing that… Englebert Humperdink

  18. Since my husband watches Home Improvement (still) with a passion, the first thing through my head was “Duc-t tape” Or however you would type it grossly overpronounced and punctuated with spit.

    Also running through my head was a new teen paranormal drama called “Ducky the Vampire Slayer”. It’s the only way stupid prissy vampires could get any cuter.
    Wait, no, the duck with glitter. There we go.

    Mr. Wonder recently posted Right beside me.

  19. I would say his name needs to be Roberto.

    Myshell recently posted So Much To Do.

  20. I’d name her Edna. I have no idea why but that is the name that popped into my head when I saw her. I think you have to go with your gut when it comes to metal chickens.

  21. Al McWhiggin, of the Al’s Toy Barn franchise from Toy Story. “It’s the chicken man!”

    Maggie recently posted The Great Secret Project, Part One..

  22. Eunice, because I’ve never known anyone named Eunice. I hear her saying “Girl…. go git me a Co-Cola!”

  23. Would totally name it Tyrannosaurus Banks… and call it Tyra for short…

    Or not…

    Either way I’m naming something that heh.

    I already have a purple fish named Tyrannosaurus and I call him Ty… Even though it’s a boy… we refer to him as “her”. Okay OT.

  24. I love the vampire hunter duck (and I HATE vampire hunters).

    I’d probably name the mini-Beyonce Missy Insomnia.

  25. I’d name it Pollito Chicken. Cuz Spanglish rocks like that. Also? It’s middle name would be Barbie cuz my 4 year old names EVERYTHING Barbie. I’m even driving The Barbiemobile. I *know*! Dreams do come true!!!

  26. His name shall be herman!

  27. I suppose that Cock-a-Cola is an obvious choice, but I still like it.

    Jess recently posted This is how you can help..

  28. I’m very curious to know what the person looks like who set up that baby head display…

    Looking at the feet, I think I’d go with Rusty for the mini metal chick.

  29. Effing Awesome.

    cuz it is.

  30. Clucky McKnockKnock, MF

    Laura from Fargo recently posted Clarification / Saturday, December 3.

  31. I would name her Ryma Ben-Spike (because I’m in Israel and we don’t do Van anything, we do Ben-something.)

  32. Cogburn, bounty hunter

  33. Pemberton Mackleby. 🙂 and he’s made out of COKE cans! Its like everything I love in the world had sex and then laid an egg, and Pemberton hatched out of it.! 🙂

    Arie Milne recently posted 2012 was an EPIC year!.

  34. I’d name him Cokie. Maybe for the fact that his body is made out of a coke can. Maybe for the habit my husband would think I must have developed to want a metal chicken in the house. Because I do. I do want that metal chicken.

    Also, I’m going to need to find one of those markets when we visit my husband’s family in rural Texas later this year. Baby’s heads on spikes and stuffed ducklings are way better than any merchandise at our local mall.

  35. Well, it seems that everything that my hubby and I name has to have a Star trek, or TV inspired name… and so I’d probably have to name it Carrie, because then we’d be afraid it was going to murder us in our sleep.

  36. i’d probably name him:
    tic tac taco
    because i mean, you’d never put tic tacs on tacos.
    even though that has nothing to do with anything, i swear when i said the name, the chicken gave a little smile.

  37. Figarro… I think he is a boy chicken… rooster that is and I bet he would sing if he only had a heart…

  38. Glen Coco. So when I walk by him I say ” you go glen coco! And none for Gretchen Weiners bye”

  39. I would name her Holly S. Hitsnacks, clearly.

    And I would leave her in front of my best friend’s door in the middle of the night, because someone (not me) left a set of stacking dolls in her front yard in the middle of the night recently, and it’s freaking her right the fuck out. She thinks it’s the yardsale mafia or something. Clearly, this means that I must leave random things in her yard at regular intervals just to watch her slowly go insane from the resulting paranoia.

    It’s what any good friend would do.

    Desertbell recently posted In Which I Fail to Define Gamer Culture, Yet Still Maintain It Exists..

  40. 40
    Stephanie Harper

    He rather looks like a Heathcliff to me. The rakish air, with a sense of tragic foreboding lurking just beneath the surface. Or that could be rust, I suppose. In any case, he just screams out “HEATHCLIFF!”

  41. 41
    Melissa Herndon

    I would name her Pepsi, just because I would have to justify the parts of a coke can used to make the amazing chicken

  42. I would call him George Orwell. He could herd the flock of plastic pink flamingos that hangs out in my back yard. And scare away the geese.

  43. Dolly Parton…

    But I think you should get another duck and name him Ducky Minaj

  44. I would name him Chester Arthur. James Garfield’s Vice Preseident.

    Hstrykid recently posted The Nashville Flood – Reverb10 – Day 3.

  45. Although Blue Ivy was a thought I had too, it didn’t seem to fit…

    I’m voting for Jermaine Dupree ’cause he’s little and kinda grows on you the more you think about it.

  46. It’s 2:30am. I’m coding like an idiot. And then your tweet about ducklings murdering vampires. Now I’ve stopped coding and I’m about to go rock myself to sleep in the corner. Ring ring, motherfucker.

  47. Well, since it’s made from Coca-Cola cans, shouldn’t it be named Cock-a-Cola?

  48. I’d name him Rihanna, of course. One good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

    Joanna recently posted Week 3 of 2012 in Photos.

  49. Wow. Martin van Buren looks total bad-ass. And he doesn’t seem likely to be bothered about vampires being all sexy and stuff (http://heinakroon.com/2012/01/03/why-vampires-are-sexy/ *ahem*), he’d slay them regardless. That’s the kind of duckling you want at home.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Most annoying urban myths debunked – part 7.

  50. I am laughing into a pillow so I don’t wake my hub. For some strange reason he has put up with my craziness for 40 (FOUR-ZERO!) years. I think we deserve a Beyonce` chicken!

    Jeanie recently posted Hello, My name is….

  51. I would call him ‘Whatthehell??!!’ as ’tis what most people would exclaim upon beholding him.

    Richard the Teller recently posted The wind. It blows stuff over..

  52. His name is Quincy Van der Cluck. I just know it.

    emvandee recently posted Fish and chips..

  53. Fred. Only because I was never able to name anything Fred as a child for fear of insulting my father but in this case, dad would love his namesake. 🙂

  54. Cola Cabana, of course.
    Why? Because that is obviously his name.

    simply heidi recently posted On My Mind: The Musical.

  55. I would name it moosefaces 🙂 Yeah I know it’s named after my Twitter account, but I love that name. So random…so awesome.

  56. Naming a metal chicken is much harder than one would think… But I’d have to go with James Van Der Beak

  57. It’s pretty obvious that that there is a Ke$ha next to Ferris Mewler. She’d confuse the heck out of the border collie who is both incredibly intrigued by the local emu (OMG! I luuurve to chase birds!) and afraid of it (OMG! It is enormous!). It’s funny to watch these conflicting emotions take their turns in her brain in rapid succession.

    Or Marie Curie. It could also be a Marie Curie.

  58. Mr. Weldsworth

  59. Quaaludes.

    Or Cleo. After my grandmother.

  60. I love Beyonce’s. My dad bought me a mini flock of Beyonce’s for my birthday this year after we read your post about learning to pick your battles. My mother was very confused as to why my father insisted on purchasing a flock of metal chickens for my birthday (especially since one of them was missing a head), but she rolled her eyes and let him because she just doesn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

    If I get this chicken, I’d name him Freddie Mercury.

  61. He just looks like a Buckminster Fuller to me. It’s such a wacky name that bespeaks dignity and hilarity at the same time. Doesn’t it just resonate with you? Maybe it’s just the synesthesia talking, but the colors of the word even match the colors on the chicken!

    Also, posts like this just affirm that my life goal is to be like you. And my globe-trotting super star art history professor, but why not both? Totally diggin’ Martin Van Buren there.

    Amy Lynn recently posted Abarat: Absolute Midnight.

  62. I would name him Mud Lick… I have my reasons.

  63. Wow. He’s marvelous. What the hell would I name him? I’m horrible at naming things, taking months and months to make lists. I used to be particularly fond of the name Fred for things like black goldfish and dogwood trees, but he doesn’t look much like a Fred. I’d have to give it some thought.

    Adina recently posted A mish mash..

  64. 64
    Jess "Maerick" Willoughby

    Horribly, I would name it Coco Sheen. Because it’s made of coca-cola cans, and they used to put actual cocaine in coke, and that made me think of Charlie Sheen, but I don’t want it to remind me of Charlie Sheen so the only next logical step is Coco Sheen, which makes me think “coke machine”, which could either distribute the drug or the drink. Either way, enjoy the ride before the crash.

    Also: Holy Shiznit The Duck Totally Made Up For Everthing.

  65. Clucky McCluckerson aka The Biggest Cock on the Block. I hear he killed Colonel Sanders.

  66. I’d name him Rihanna, of course, because every good diva deserves another! Or William Wordsworth.

    Also, I know you’re picking randomly, but my husband has been deployed and is coming home soon… and it would fantastic for him to come home to a chicken staring at him. And it’s small, so I could move it around and have it peeking out at him in various places… and act like I have no idea what he’s talking about. Maybe he’ll think he’s the ONLY ONE who can see it.

    Hmm. Even if I don’t win this one, I might have to go find one of my own anyway…

  67. Sylvester P. Jones

  68. Ethel if its a girl.
    Herschel Walker if its a boy.

    Also, Martin Van Buren seems more like a bowler than a top hat kinda guy. Either that or he needs more gold chains and can really take off in the hip hop direction with a baseball cap designating his regional loyalties in the rap wars. Just a suggestion for ways to branch him out and reach a broader audience. Plus, no one, not even Victor could deny that awesomeness.

  69. Vladimir Fisticuffs! My mom desperately wants a Beyonce-like chicken so she can screw with my dad when she’s bored on the weekends. Please let me win Mr. Vladimir Fisticuffs, Esq. so I can make her dream a reality!

  70. His name is clearly Rooster Cokeburn.

  71. Obviously Chester Allen Arthur

  72. “We’ve go to do something about that duck,” (say it like the wife in “Babe”)
    I wish we had random taxidermy in Oregon. You Texans have all the luck!

    juliejulie recently posted How I met The Bloggess and her real best friend IRL at BlogHer.

  73. I would name him Eric Northman and place him in my bedroom, probably on top of my dresser. That way I can tell people that Eric Northman is in my bedroom, and I won’t be lying. Of course, I will then have to explain to people how Eric Northman ended up in my bedroom, which would involve telling them the story of the original Beyonce. Therefore sharing the great joy of Beyonce with anyone who will stand still long enough for me to get my story out.

  74. Fiddlesworth?
    My boyfriend named our rabbit Traffic Cone, so I’m sure he’ll have something better

  75. I need this chicken. I have a serious coke addiction…as in Coca-Cola, not coke. I can’t afford to have a coke addiction…well, I can’t really afford my Coca-Cola addiction, but it’s way cheaper than coke…from what I understand.

    Anyway, I squealed really loudly that I needed the chicken when I read that you were giving it away, and my daughter looked at my laptop, looked at me and patted me on the head before wandering away.

    Also, I’d name him Willis…because, obviously.

    Laura recently posted Still Whiny.

  76. Clearly he is Cocka-Cola.

  77. I would name her Diane Arbus.

  78. ramshackle snugglesworth the seventeenth.
    because obviously he comes from a long line of proud lawn ornaments and rusty metal contraptions that have made people happy for centuries.
    and twisted rusty metal just screams snuggley.
    that and tetanus.

    cori recently posted music monday: kaki king..

  79. 79
    Krista Wilson

    No idea why, but I looked a him and immediately said “HI Lennon!! Come play with me!!!!”

  80. I think he has to be Travis Mandelbaum. I’m not sure why, that’s just what he told me when I saw the picture.

  81. I would name him Cocka-Doodle-cola.

    That way anytime I see someone mention having to call the CDC, I can laugh instead of panic!!

  82. It’s a baby Beyoncé, has no one said Blue Ivy? Too obvious?

    Vanessa recently posted First Post! My December Glam Bag.

  83. Michael Chiklis

  84. If I had a metal chicken that happy, I’d name her Lorraine Collett, after the Sun-Maid raisin girl.

    d-day recently posted Brains: A Love Letter..

  85. I’d name him Bubbles because that’s the first thing that came to mind when I saw him. I hope I win, because I already love him 🙂

  86. OMG…this is one of your best posts ever! I must have a mini-giant-metal-Beyonce-chicken. Seriously, it has my name written on there….somewhere!

    You crack me up. Love love love you! These posts make me smile.

    DogsDontPurr recently posted Bloody Mary's instead of vegetables.

  87. Oh…and this post rocked and is now in my top 10 favorite Bloggess blog posts of all time, not that I have such a list, yet, but I can add that to my Thing-To-Do-When-I-Can’t-Sleep list. I don’t actually have one of those either, but I guess I have something to do tonight when I can’t sleep.

    Laura recently posted Still Whiny.

  88. His name is obviously Rupert. Rupert di doodledoo the rooster. Obviously.

  89. Cujo von Smuttypants. Lower case “v” because he’s of the non-royal von Smuttypants’s.

  90. Constable C. Benedict.

    The ‘C’ stands for Cockerel.

  91. Dr. Rusty Lockjaw
    Because then we could call him Doc Lock for short.

  92. 92
    Monroe Charles

    I would name Mr. Cluckers de Von Der Nuggets

  93. Emma, in honor of my friend’s leopard gecko who turned out to be a boy and clearly needed to be named Snoopy thereafter. I was a bit worried that he would be upset by the name switch but everything turned out OK.

  94. Cocalicious Thorazine. Cocalicious in obvious reference to Beyonce and Thorazine so I could sit around singing ‘Thorazine, Dont let the days go by! Thorazine’ set to the tune of ‘Glycerine’ in homage to Gavin Rossdale’s Hair.

  95. I would name him Valfrid, a Swedish name that means “strong or powerful peace” and send him to my best friend from high school. He would be the long distance pen pal to my chicken Sven (pronounced sh-ven) who lives on my bookcase and was given to me by my friend years ago.

    When I visited my friend’s house at Christmas I noticed that it was sadly lacking in chicken influences. Since we’ve traded chicken mementos for years, I see this as a sign that she needs larger chickens with definite personality who her family can not easily store in cupboards.

  96. 96
    Helen Novielli


  97. Bambi, because the name invokes images of sweet, doe eyed cartoon deers and/or large chested blonds who may or may not be strippers. And both of these are the exact opposite of mini metal chicken. Plus my four year old insists on naming almost everything Bambi right now and I’m not sure why.

  98. I think it’s a one-named chicken, for sure. Sting and Flash were the first things that popped into my head. If not that, James Hetfield.

  99. Cujo von Smuttypants. Lower case “v” as he is of the non-Royal von Smuttypants family.

  100. Tetanus von Lockjaw. Because obviously.

    Chelsie recently posted UPDATED: The Break In.

  101. I would name her wheezer. That name reminds me of when I read the Beyonce post to my best friend at work and we were laughing so hard we were just wheezing. It took me 30 minutes to read it outloud because we were laughing so hard. Mostly because that is the kind of stuff we do…while clam diggin’, in tank tops and neoprenes, in 40 degree weather, wearing santa hats, turning cartwheels and yelling merry christmas to everyone on the beach.

  102. I dub thee Sir Pexalot!

  103. I’d name him Popcorn Kernel Sanders

  104. I love him! He is outstanding. Therefore I would name him Wilbur because I like the name Wilbur. And I like him.
    Ferris Mewler looks like my Maggie would look if she had pointy ears. She lost the eartips to frostbite 🙁

  105. Weirdest thing, I was thinking about the coke can that made up part of her body here and trying to come up with a name based around that and the odd welding job on her and the name ‘Burnt Toast’ popped into my head. And now I can’t think of another name.

    Also I finally watched fight club tonight. I think that ending counts as a happy one.

  106. If it’s a “he” then he should be named Cogburn, as in Rooster Cogburn(male chicken, get it??), the movie staring John Wayne and Katherine Hepburn, two badass people if there were any. A female would be be Eula Goodnight(Hepburn) who Rooster Cogburn unwillingly teams up with to find the killers of her father. And he/she looks like it was killed and put back together almost indiscriminately, so it’s all perfect.

  107. 107
    Stephanie S

    He looks very distinguished, so I shall call him Nigel. Mind you, I’ve just chosen a name for a mini giant metal chicken based on a (now dead, but not taxidermied) gerbil I had in college. Love.

  108. The pressure to have a witty comment in case I’m picked is huge. I’m sweaty. I would love a beyonce to remind me of our strength and kindness as I fight demons. Demons much like your vampire hunting duckling fights – but less bloody. Just as much quacking though.

  109. I’m torn between Mr. Peanut and Rockefeller, because it looks like he’s got a monocle!

  110. AND Tyrannosaurus Banks works if it’s a boy too! BAM! For androgyny!

  111. Clarence Pernicky Waternoose the Third. A bird like that needs a name with gravitas.

    Babblebeth recently posted Swearing.

  112. I’m thinking of naming him Duck’s Cousin because my parents have an antique wooden duck decoy named Duck & he has a brother named Duck’s Brother that isn’t a duck at all but some kind of fancy wooden tray & my father always said it was fine because Duck was too stupid to know better. So I think Ducks Cousin would fit in perfectly. I know what you’re thinking, Duck’s Cousin is not only not a duck but also not even wood. We already established Duck is to stupid to knowbetter.

  113. Cassiopea

  114. I would need to see the metal chicken in person to be sure, but I’m thinking

    1) David Duchovny
    2) Chester A Arthur

    Ken Moorhead recently posted Memories of a Nouveau Carre.

  115. Delilah. Because here in Wales, I’m sure the only person nearly as big as Beyonce HAS to be Tom Jones. Sadly . And then every day when I come home, I can sing “oh, oh, OH, De-LIE-lah “.

    Plus, she looks like a Delilah.

  116. Chester A. Arthur, because 1, I didn’t know we’d had a president named Chester A. Arthur until tonight, and, B, on Wikipedia’s list of president’s of the US, he’s wearing a fur trimmed coat. Chester A. Arthur is a flashy, but small, motherfucker.

  117. I would name him Thursday Last, after the literary detective, Thursday Next in Jasper Fforde’s books, but I would change Next to Last because there can only be one Thursday Next, and maybe because I like to mix it up a bit. P.S. Are you sure it wasn’t for you, and Victor just said you couldn’t keep it?

  118. hmmm, it’s 11:47pm on a school night (so obviously i can’t sleep) and i am having the hardest time coming up with a witty name. i know my husband would be all over it with the best name ever so i guess i’ll wait to share my name tomorrow. But i just had to say that my posse of teachers that i work with would be so flippin excited to get this! We all love you and Beyonce and we have talked about getting our own and passing it around to whoever had a horrible day with the kiddos, or just needs a little MF-ing love.

  119. Oh my god! He’s fantastic. I never call things by their names: Pixie (dog) is Kitten, Izzo (dog) is Mister, Nuggett (dog) is Big Un, and Peaches (cat) was Fatty. I’d have to call him Dickie because his name would be Johnny Cochran!

    Jenbug recently posted *UPDATED* It’s for the child! For reals!.

  120. I can’t help it.

    It has to be done.

    His name is….Captain Jack Harkness. Because he’s a cocky sonofabitch made of pure effing AWESOME.

    Elizabeth recently posted I ain't ded!.

  121. Well, since I been up all night puking my guts out alongside my five – count them, FIVE – puking children, I think I most deserve to take Colonel Sanders home. He’s my secret recipe.

    Lissie recently posted Why I Shower at 5am.

  122. My sister and I would name him Sir Geyser Bunyan and he would go on mystical quests with us and we would take pictures and send them to you. Like Sir Geyser Bunyan vs. the twin borzoi bozos.

  123. Archduke McRooster Von Fowlencluck. If it makes you feel better, he’d have company. I have a 2 ft. tall metal mariachi band in my garden. There’s a place in Pittsboro, NC that has several hundred random metal stuff..including a chicken that makes Beyonce look like a dwarf..an 8 ft. tall metal giraffe, a donkey, a turtle…whatever you want in the way of colorful metal lawn ornaments…it’s there. There’s also another place in Raleigh with a bunch as well..including little lawn jockey’s riding alligators. Who doesn’t need one of those?!

    I left a chicken on my aunt’s front porch for Christmas with a sign that read, “Merry Cluckin’ Christmas!” That topped last years gift of a pooping gnome.

  124. David Hasselhoff XXXVII, Esq.

  125. His name is obviously Napoleon Bonaparte, dont mention his height, as he’s got a sort of short chicken complex…

  126. I would totally name it Blue Ivy.

  127. I’m thinking that chicken looks like a Queen Elizabeth to me. Never abbreviated. It could hang out in my dorm room and freak my roommates out.

  128. I thought it was a girl, until you mentioned ‘him’. If it’s a male, his name would be pancho. If it’s a female, her name would be janice. In either case, the middle name would be shitsnack. I’ve never heard that before reading this, and I’m a fan for life.

  129. 129
    Theresa nemeth

    I haven’t quite settled on the name yet but it would have to have something to do with blue balls. After all, he is a cock and and half blue..and my other half keeps accusing me of blue balls. So, perhaps it will come to me soon.

    Ah, there we have it: Mr Cojones Azul 😀

  130. You are my new bff! Love reading your stuff. . . . and the chicken. . . . Cluckleberry.

  131. Clearly, it’s Kitty. Kitty, the Metal Chicken. I can’t get past the literalness of the photo.

  132. In case you don’t want to read to the end ..we picked Archibald Henry

    My husband is watching Doctor Who and I keep disrupting him…
    Me: Sorry but this is important. What would you name this Chicken?
    Him: I don’t know …Roberto <–(not what we chose)
    He goes back to watching ..I look through the comments.
    Me: Someone already picked that. I don't like that anyhow.
    Him: …
    Me: What would you name him? (Now sounding a little panicky)
    Him: I don't know.
    I show him the photo again. He turns and looks because he knows if he doesn't I won't leave him alone.
    Him: Henry after my uncle Archibald Henry
    Me: I like Archibald
    I look at the photo again. I turn my computer towards him.
    Me: Does he look like an Archibald? (Now I'm concerned.)
    Him: I think so. (This time he doesn't turn from the TV.)
    Me: Are you sure?
    He finally turns and looks..
    Him: Yeah he looks like an Archibald.
    Me: How do you spell that…

    Chevitanondr recently posted Stolen Idea.

  133. I would name her “Sore Feet Sharp Tail” mainly because my feet are sore and I am drawing a blank at moment. her tail looks sharp also….

  134. The mini-Beyonce? That’s Osbert, obviously. Osbert McNugget the third, in fact. I’m pretty sure he plays the ukulele and is disturbingly addicted to cheese.

  135. I’d have to name her Reginald, but don’t ask why. And she’d be *treasured* at my house. I would even consider a smallish shrine/installation and she’d be the centerpiece. Oh, and I might even take her to work!

  136. He’s obviously Cluck Norris the chicken who can do anything. Including annoy my normally level headed husband who has to put up with my crazy

    Breanna recently posted Snow Day.

  137. Snooki Vanderquack. But she adopted Vander as her nickname after that snooki girl from jersey rose to fame.

    Of course then we’ll walk around calling her “Van derrrr?” as if we’re dwarf pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean. (because the ‘d’ is silent) (and the ‘r’ is long).


  138. Haantje de Voorst
    (It’s Dutch for the main man cockerel, you know what I’m saying?)

    majikthijs recently posted Nut roast, roast potatoes and mixed vegetables.

  139. OMG His name is Dr. Lomax Poulet. It just IS.

    cassie recently posted even more inappropriateness.

  140. Broseidon. King of the Brocean.

  141. “Florence Flashdance Finnerty” is what I feel possessed to say.

    mrtl recently posted If You Ask a Five-Year-Old for Directions.

  142. If I’m a dancing queen, he can be my Fernando. I will even take him to shows (though we don’t play disco) and send you pictures of his rock star career. (I’m pleased to see you’re already acclimating him to cats. My huge beast is 17 pounds of partly-Maine Coone muscle, so we need metal roosters who can handle it!)

  143. Without doubt or hesitation, his name is Stephen Cocking.

  144. Chickens make me hungry so Id probably name her Fritata Frances or Holly Taco.

    Thank you,

  145. 145

    I will name him… Montpelier P. Banderscoot!

  146. I would name him: MystiKal McGee

    I WANT THAT ROOSTER! I don’t know why….I HATE Rooster decorations…..But this, this I would display. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!

  147. The doll heads told me his name is Chucky.

  148. so….is this a random selection or a naming contest? señor cock-a-cola deserves a life in san diego is why i am asking…

  149. Formally I’d call him Rufus Wainright, but in my circles he’ll just be known as Rufus the Mini Cock. He’s a smaller but no less of a diva-esque statue of Beyonce the Giant Chicken. I’d even crochet him a scarf to fit the persona. You can just see the smolder in his eyes… or it could be solder… hard to tell with musicians these days.

    Judy Doojie recently posted Photo.

  150. I would name the chicken Millard Fillmore. No wait obviously that’s a name for a duck. Someone who has a duck bill and is possibly a mallard is definitely a Millard.

    While I think about a more appropriate name I will tell you about the Halloween when my husband refused to tell me his costume idea and I knew from his level of giddiness that I would be unprepared. He had gone to the craft store and bought many doll arms, legs, hands, and heads and put them on a necklace and belt. He went as a “baby hunter” and the doll parts were his trophies, his spoils of war.

    This metal chicken seems a bit hardened by the harsh realities of life, maybe this one is also a slayer, because as you know, into every metal brood a Slayer is born. One chick in all the world, a Chosen One who alone will peck the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. And so I will call this one Beaky the Vampire Pecker.

  151. Roscoe

    Simone recently posted Don't let them pirate our information.

  152. I would name him Grimly Fiendish. I had a cat with that name once but he died and broke my heart, the bastard. So I would name the metal chicken Grimy Fiendish, in his memory. And also because metal chickens are kind of creepy. Which is a Good Thing.

    Violet Fenn recently posted the (real) corpse bride.

  153. I would name him “Towels.” Because the Beyonce incident was how I found your site and I’m perverse like that.

    I hope no one else said that already, I skipped all the comments to avoid finding out if someone beat me to it.

  154. Asa G. Candler, like the man who acquired Coke from the inventor Pemberton just as I would like to acquire mini Beyonce from you.

  155. I am extremely jealous of Martin van Buren, you have NO idea.

    and I’d name him Liam Neeson. Obviously.

  156. I would name him Frederich Von Cluckenstien!

  157. Not that I expect you to ship him to Ireland, but nevertheless; Joseph Goebbels. Admittedly it’s a more suitable name for an iron-turkey, but where am I going to find one of those??

  158. I would name him Kanye… my metal chicken would strut up to anyone who was “winning” (a bit like charlie sheen but well… not) and tell them they are not winning and are in fact probably losers…. Ok maybe thats mean? but more than likely TRUE…

    Alisa recently posted Not living in the now.

  159. Eglantine Pryce, I think.

  160. 160
    Elizabeth Gilbert

    I would probably call him Lil Motherfucker but LMF for short. He’s awesome!

  161. Kelly Cluckson.

  162. Sir Cluckington of the house of Hen.

  163. I would name him Seth. I’d call him Mr. Green, for short.

    Also, if I were to win it, I would send it to Seth Green because HOLY SHIT IT IS A REAL ROBOT CHICKEN.

  164. Looks like a Ke-dollarsign-ha to me, right there!

  165. Shaniqua, obviously!

  166. 166
    Jenny Wallingford

    I would love to give Smadge a home.
    I’m sure you know, but if you don’t, Smadge is short for Sargent Major. We had a live chicken named Tidy Whitey,but changed it to Smadge because she was so very bossy to the other girls. Also, she would announce the arrival of every egg VERY loudly.

  167. Galano Marley Douchy-Douche McFuckerton Gaylord, Esq…

    I’ve already named my hillbilly Appalachian puppy this, but you can never have too many.

    Try it, just kind of rolls off the tongue, huh?

    That, or Kelly Rowland. Because Obviously. (Hello. Smaller than Beyonce, but with her own crazy appeal).

  168. Captain Cluck Sparrow

  169. We already have a Rhianna the hedgedogpig statue. I’m thinking she’s be named George RR Martin.

  170. I just read my earlier comment. Apparently, loss of grammar skills is a side effect of my stomach bug. That’s the worst kind! Still, Colonel Sanders would highly improve my life after the hellish night I’ve had!

    Lissie recently posted Why I Shower at 5am.

  171. 171
    Samantha Jones

    Lord Ferdinand Cocka-Cola the Third… For obvious reasons. He can replace our Gnome McKraken who was sadly kidnapped for our doorstep the night before we moved out of state. *shakes fists at neighbor kids* WE MISS YOU McKRACKEN!!!

  172. Frank Furter

  173. Edward. This rooster/chicken must have the name Edward. Mostly because of the vampire-slaying-taxidermied-duck (sp?). Because yeah, it’s too perfect. I am a Twilight fan, Beyonce fan, *and* lover of all things fowl, including the amazing duck. It just all fits together in my head like it was MEANT TO BE.

    If that doesn’t suffice, I could always name him Jay-Z… 😉 And you know they are having a kid, so I could even stretch it as far as Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward. Or maybe even Be-Zonjay?

    “Edward” is my still my favorite. Snarky enough to be understood by purists, yet obscure enough to befuddle the people who have, sadly, been unexposed to the incredible, insanely, life-changing influence of Beyonce and those like her!!

    PICK ME! Beyonce changed my life…and I would be honored to make sure Edward (or Jay-ZonCe, or Be-Edward, or even Be-Zonjay) would be prominently featured in many parts of my life and my blog, forever. Amen.

    Seriously, tho, pick me =) You won’t regret it.

    Much love to my favorite blogger,

    Kristi recently posted Autism night in “Bodyworlds & the Brain!” (OMSI Event).

  174. He looks kinda reggae and about 1/4 to 1/5th the height of a human so…

    …. I hereby present you with Bob Marley the Fifth or Bob Marley V.

  175. 175
    Samantha Jones

    I will also give him a Mustache and a Monocle… Because he clearly lacks those and needs them to survive.

  176. 176

    If I win the awesome metal chicken, I would name him Edward (if it’s a girl) and Joan The Vampire Slayer (if it’s a boy).
    (I know the chicken has the large tail reminiscent of a rooster, so must be a boy, but what if the chicken is in disguise? Possibly hiding out from the Feds under an assumed identity?)

  177. Oddly enough, I was just thinking about Beyonce today as I went out my front door (at 3pm) and was greeted by the sound of our neighbor’s rooster crowing. We live, quite literally, across the street that defines city limits so the rooster isn’t illegally squatting…as it were. Unfortunately they didn’t have the decency to be good neighbors, like yourself, and buy a 5 ft metal rooster. If they had I would have found a flying pig with which to honor their taste.
    To add to the insanity, we actually need towels but I’d rather have Harvey…he may not be invisible but our “new” towels certainly are! ;D

  178. Me, I’d name him Ernest Borgnine because the name is so, so utterly Borgnoid. My husband said he would name him Wayne Newton. I hope it’s OK that we already have a duck made out of an old frying pan named Rusty. The duck, not the frying pan.

  179. Well my housemate’s called Anna and she would absolutely hate it so I would have to go with… “Perveus, Anna’s-Night-Stalker.”

    Lisa recently posted I have a social what-now?.

  180. Rosencrantz. Obviously.

  181. Chuck Testa. And when my husband says, “Is that a mini giant metal chicken on the counter?” I will say, “Nope. Just Chuck Testa.”

  182. 182

    “Tin Rizzo” because he looks like he’s ready to belt out “There are Worse Things I Could Do” (Like Buy Towels) – the remix.

  183. Coke-a-doodle-do…..obviously!!!!!

  184. I’ve long had my name picked out for when I find my own perfect metal chicken- Lady Gaga. Since this one is a wee little chick, maybe I’d go with Baby Gaga, which also works well. What’s weird is I’m indecisive and currently pregnant, and I cant pick a name for my fetus, but I have a name for a metal chicken I dont actually have yet. (Living in the south, there is no shortage of metal chickens around here, but none of them have ever spoken to me.) Also weird is that my friends are currently on a campaign to get me to name said fetus Beyonce. After the metal chicken, of course. So I really need this chicken. It’s fate.

  185. I would name him LaVarr Burton. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

  186. “Hambone”.
    I don’t really want the chicken, I just like to name things.

  187. I’m not all that creative (I have an oscar in my office named Oscar) so sticking with what I do Best I would have to name him Sir Chicken.

  188. Professor Snape

  189. Darles Chickens

  190. Since it’s a mini-Beyonce, I’d obviously name it Kelly Rowland.

  191. 191
    Bonnie Collard

    I would name him Tupac!!

    I was crying/laughing reading this tonight. Thanks, I TOTALLY needed that!

  192. I would have to name him Pablo Ocularis, because the first time I saw him all I could think of was that he has three eyes for some reason. Either that or he has some wicked awesome birthmarks.

    I would have to put him on top of our real chicken coop just to watch as people get all upset that a chicken is out, only to realize its just old Pablo messing with their minds.

  193. OMG! I sooo want the metal chicken. My boyfriend would be all “WTF do you have that for? You know the cat will either find a way to hurt himself with it or break it.” and my friends would shit a brick out of jealousy.

  194. Corey Maim would be my name for him, I even have a cat named Boo that greatly resembles Ferris Mewler.

    Elizabeth B recently posted LOVE VERSUS FEAR.

  195. Helena Handbasket, because she looks like she has been to hell and back, and who wouldn’t take that trip unless they were offered the basket… She needs love, I’ll start the necessary papers for transfer of custody!

  196. Chance Cluckman. All these Rooster Cogburn references were close, but it’s obvious to me that this chicken is a Hellfighter. He even has his own red suit and metal hat… er… head.

  197. I would name him Bock-Cock Obama, of course! Because it’s a singularly amazing honor to have a metal chicken named after you, duh! Woe betide you if you think that it’s an insult!

    Still I think Joanna #65 should get him for her husband, as much as I want him, and I really, really, want him (I collect Coca Cola tin signs, and this is the loudest one I’ve ever seen!) both to thank them both for their service to this country, and because driving him slowly crazy sounds HYSTERICAL!

    I hope I’m not the only whack-a-doodle who thinks so!

    Mumsi “I need me one-a them chickens” McMullin

  198. He’s Nicola Tesla, definitely.

  199. Chanticleer.

    Or Clancy (I used to be a bartender, and I had this oversexed 90-year-old customer who used to sexually harass me (although he thought he was just being nice – gah!), and I swore revenge that I would name a dog after him but my husband refuses to get a dog and it’s been 20 years now so I need to wreak my revenge. This rooster reminds me of that Clancy.

    Scarlett recently posted Yay for me!.

  200. That chicken looks like a Sheniqua to me.

  201. Ed Gein.

    Cause obviously you live around the corner from him.

    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted Lonely.

  202. Looks Italian to me. It’s the eyes. Sophia Loren, Junior.

  203. Well, DUH. His name is ALREADY John Pemberton! It’s RIGHT THERE on his WING!

    (oh shut up and google it)

  204. Stephen “Cluc” King

  205. I would name him “Baron Franklin Von Cluckenbaum” and proudly display him wearing a top hat and a monocle, because he’s one bad-ass Bond villain of a metal chicken!

  206. Not sure if second thoughts are allowed but the gerbils in my head are not sleeping….and I remembered a story….

    Another name T-MARTIN….in honor of a former boss who called downstairs once upon a time and asked me the question “Do chickens have balls”? (This was back in pre-google times and I was the office trivia person) It was the strangest trivia question I had EVER been asked and I could not stop laughing…..tears down the face…sore belly etc. My dear sweet Mom, who I had been on the phone with at the time, found it hysterical too……so a week later….a beanie baby chicken showed up in the mail with two pom-poms sewed to his nether regions. Sadly, that beanie baby chicken is no longer with us….so a metal chicken named in honor of the question “Do chickens have balls?” seems fitting…..in a very middle of the night kind of way!!!!

  207. I recently rediscovered a cartoon from my childhood, Count Duckula. Wonder how the vampire duck would get along with the vampire hunting duck, the mind boggles…

    Bronwyn @ Mad Crafty Mama recently posted Red & Aqua is so yesterday.

  208. Captain Cuddles.

    Because he looks like he needs some.
    As long as your up on your tetanus shots.

  209. I’d name him Otto, Otto Von Schnell

  210. I think I would call her “Cluckerpuck”

  211. I need that metal chicken. I’d call her ‘Beyonce II’ because I don’t have your wit and intelligence, and instead just emulate it. But it’s the most sincere form of flattery, right?

    my honest answer recently posted He was perfect in every way. Except the one that counted..

  212. Mr. Clucken Von Schnauderhasen. He’s seems very German to me.

    Megs recently posted Once Upon a Time.

  213. He looks like Camilla and Gonzo’s love child. I mean, really, check out the blue nose! So, hear me pout, GONZ-ILLA!

    It’s perfect.

  214. The thought of a Beyonce like chicken in my house thrills me beyond belief. What would i name him? Probably towels because anyone that knows me knows about your blog post and would see the humor in this. I have to say a metal chicken will be living here within a year if i have my way… in my new produce garden… as soon as i have the funds to make it happen!

  215. If you are ever in Southern California, you should definitely check out this guy and his work:

    It might be something to consider for Victor for this year’s anniversary. 🙂

  216. His name is Anderson Cooper.

  217. OMG, you just made my night. I was all cranky that I’d woken up at 3:00, but now it’s worth it. I LOVE Martin van Buren, and I didn’t think it was possible to think a taxidermied duckling would be appealing and adorable, so you have convinced me. I LOVE the scene. The cross around his neck is perfection.

    I would name the chicken, “Larry King.” Or maybe “Larry King Live.” His facial expression just says Larry King to me. I would also have to give him suspenders, of course. And he could do interviews with all the ripped-apart dog toys that used to look like cute animals. Except the spiders. We stocked up on dog-toy spiders, so only some of them are disemboweled. Larry King could interview several spiders together as members of a death-metal band. This is probably more than you needed to know.

    Thank you so much for not giving away a baby doll head on a spike or on a chain.

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Kvelling: I Can Haz Service Dog!.

  218. “Rusty Bucket of Coca-Cola Chicken”

    It was the first name that popped into my head. Honest.

  219. I’d name mini Beyonce, Encore!

  220. Theodore Roostervelt. That’s what I’d call him.

    Claire J recently posted The Frustration and Fascination.

  221. 221
    Samantha J.

    Josef Stalin
    He’s got ‘dictator’ written all over him.

  222. Coca Doodle Doo.

  223. Jim Van Der Beak. He’d have a place of honor alongside my freeze dried chihuahua.

  224. I would name it Shaft, because in my head I hear Shaft saying, “cocka-doodle-do, baby,” all smooth and sexy like.

  225. Gallus Gallus-Ghali I (the first)

  226. I’ve got two (maybe three?) nameless metal chickens; thievery of two (maybe three?) of these awesome names may occur.

  227. Those doll’s heads are fucking creepy!!!

    A Daft Scots Lass recently posted Monday Music Moves Me.

  228. I would name it Neo…because it would be the start of a new collection to annoy my wife.

    Morgan Drake Eckstein recently posted Trending right now.

  229. He looks like a Herbert McCluckin to me.

  230. Copernicus’ Accomplice.
    Nuff said..

    laire recently posted Droid X VZW Gingerbread updated to .602, solves most problems.

  231. He’s obviously a Roland

  232. A small Beyonce with a big blue patch? Too easy: Blue Ivy. Or Ivy Blue? What did Human Beyonce name her kid? That name.

  233. 233
    T.S. Dasher

    I would name him Colonel Sanders and then go get a bucket of KFC (grilled) and eat it in front of him. So he knows who’s boss.

  234. 234
    Michelle Wells

    I would name him Bruce McBubble

  235. First – Martin Van Buren the Vampire Hunter is awesome. 🙂
    Now, when I saw the chicken (rooster?) the first name that popped into my head was Steven Tyler. So I’m going with that. 🙂

    Paula recently posted asking for prayers and crossed fingers tomorrow!.

  236. Seeing as your big rooster is Beyonce, I’d have to go with Blue Ivy for this little one. It’s even got a bit of beautiful blue on the tail!

    I love the vamp-chickie!

    JustHeather recently posted January ICLW.

  237. He looks like a Cluck Norris to me.

  238. Clearly, no one is seeing the resemblance of this chicken to Carol Burnett’s character, Mrs. Wiggins. Remember? Tim Conway would be Mr. Tudball, and she would shuffle into his office all blonde bombshell ditzyness, and he’d yell at her for not using the office intercom correctly? Yes? Yes? Ah, I knew you’d see it eventually.

  239. My three year old just suggested Chee Khan. Seriously… Who would know she’s mine? 🙂

    Hidesy recently posted Eucalypse.

  240. Babyonce (baby- Beyonce) …. or Blue Ivy Carver (not Carter, but Carver – get it? Carve up the Sunday chicken?? ha!)

    Tracy recently posted Play Diapers and Wipes with Wipe Case.

  241. 241

    If I ever get pregnant (i’m 26, I got time), I would have the most awesome time telling people what my baby’s name would be. Dorcas. Eugene. Maynard. Brunhilda. Lillicrap. Ah, I get a bit dreamy-eyed just thinking about the prank potential. No idea what I would actually name a kid- something that wouldn’t get them beaten up, I guess. But for the first 9 months? Free reign. I’d be really serious, and make people politely say how lovely they are — ‘We’ve thought about it for so long, and Renesmee and Sylvespa are just soooo beautiful and MEANGINFUL’…. ‘Atreyu for a boy, Eponnee-Rae for a girl, the Ouiji board helped us out….’ But my favourite prank of all, actually came from my cousin Rick. It’s so awesome, I would buy a pet just to use it. VINYL BAXTER. Vin for short. sigh!

  242. As I already have a mannequin named Gertrude, I’m thinking Harriet would be good. I’m a traditionalist. In a completely non-traditional sort of way. And I totally had zombified baby heads on spikes on my front lawn for Halloween this year. After I tore the limbs off to make ice cubes for my punch. It was amazing.

  243. Ola C. Because he is obviously Spanish…. And male

  244. I think that Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII, as that shiny and rather villainous looking metallic piece of poultry art shall be known, would make a perfect surprise present on my darling girlfriend’s dinner table! She would recoil first in fear, then confusion, but once she got a better look I’m fairly positive she wouldn’t stop giggling with glee for a week. I want the giggling! A whole week of it!

    Lord H. Carlton Featherstonehaigh VII it is.
    Your stories are wonderful, and my daily internetting is better for having read them. Carry on!

  245. I would name him Larry because I think Larry is a very good name for animals. I had a cat and a hamster named Larry. We called the cat Carl so we would not confuse the hamster. It worked out well.

  246. I had a dream once wherein I owned a chicken named Sherbock Holmes. This chicken might need a jaunty hat to live up to the name, but I’m fairly sure I could make that happen.

  247. The only logical name is Ceyonce. That way when you see the next awesome metal chicken, Victor will HAVE to see the logic of adding Deyonce to the clan. You’ll wind up with a whole metal chicken army and can then take over the world.

  248. 248

    CLEARLY his name is Reginald von Drattersben. Also, he hates it when you are too lazy to say his whole name and call him Reg or Reggie. ESPECIALLY Reggie; because his ex-gf called him that. That deceitful wench.

  249. I would name him MC Hammer. I am proficient at beak reading and clearly he is saying “Hammer Time!” And also I work from home, by myself, because I somehow managed to kill off all my other coworkers (Bill Amaryllis and Caliope Cyclamen) and I really need MC Hammer to keep me company.

  250. “The Chicken Who Came First”

  251. 251

    also @daffodil101 this reminds me of my friend who convinced her mother that if they had a daughter she would be Cli-TOR-is…
    Her mum clearly had no knowledge of female anatomy because she happily told all of her well-to-do friends about the lovely unique name her new granddaughter would have. Of course, they were either all too polite to say anything or had no idea what the love button is because her mother never figured it out and was somewhat disappointed it was a boy.
    They called him Seth.

  252. Chanticleer from Rock-a-Doodle!

  253. Had several things that ran thru my mind this morning…however he is obviously a boy chicken and since I am a fan of coffee and not soda, I would name him Juan Valdez.

  254. Before I even saw the picture with the cool pointy claw stick on Harry Poppins feet, I thought this is exactly what I need to store my polka dot umbrella named Jane K. Poke! After all, I never use Ms. Poke and she hasn’t seemed happy rolling around in my floor board waiting to make her rainy day debut. However, she and Harry Poppins can be the star of my passenger seat when I’m driving around (obviously buckled in for safety), and the guardian of my car when I’m parked. After all, Harry Poppins can carefully hold Ms. Poke on his back toes so she can rest, while he furtively stares out from my dashboard for any ne’re-do-wells looking to steal my ten-year-old car (because it’s awesome too). Then on Harry Poppins’ days off–which would be most, since he’s semi-retired–he and Ms. Poke can sit out on my porch or deck and she will finally shine protecting Harry from the sun or rain, as the case may be. Oh, and of course right now, since it’s winter, they would holiday in my living room, of course.

  255. we would call him:

    Metal Fried Chicken of Death

    Evidently my spouse has been thinking on this for a little while, not sure if she is thinking of purchasing her own version of a metal chicken OR just names that would be suitable for a metal chicken…either way, i am purty darn proud of her.
    Also, i think opus (my penguin traveling partner, that way i always have a battle buddy and never go anywhere alone) has been asking for someone to talk to when i am at work.

  256. Oh! Oh! Tiberius Burke. He is SUCH a Tiberius Burke.

  257. OMG he is just beautiful

    I would call him Claude Cerulean Butt

  258. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

  259. His name is obviously Kendall Lake after the paranormal hunting Knight of the First Order from “Phantoms and Photographs”. Also, I think he would confuse the heck out of my cat, Briar Rose!

  260. Rachel stole my Erik Northman suggestion, so I’ll go for Hector Coke-Mettle. You don’t have to send it to me as I live waaay up north across the pond. I would definitely put him up as a welcome greeter up on our mountain farm, though. Too bad we don’t have your types of country fairs….I may have to persuade hubby to make me one :p

    Also, I love Daffy the Duckpire Slayer. Cutest duck ebah!

    This post so made my day! 🙂

    Eli recently posted Weekend.

  261. He’s totally Ryan Gosling…I can see that “Hey, girl…” look in his eye.

    thecrystalcrow recently posted Exhaustion: Blogging Til Homeless, Day 18.

  262. Well, I name pretty much everything George, including the cell lines I culture in my lab. But I kill those a lot, so at least this George would stay with me and I could love him and pet him and cuddle him… And he’s obviously awesome, so that’d be “George, Lord of the Strut.”

    Anniek recently posted Putting the “geek” in wedding.

  263. 263
    aida alberto

    I absolutely love it. I would name her Coco Chanel and call her Cee Cee for short because look at her hair. Thank you for all the chuckles when I absolutely need them. I read your blog all of the time and no not because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

  264. 264
    Tammy Proctor

    I have been hiding in the bathroom snickering for close to thirty minutes now and have lost one of my legs. Not that it fell off. It just went back to sleep. Anyway, I’d name him Jesus. Then when the Mormon missionaries next door ask I can say for a fact of course we have Jesus in our home. Wanna meet him? Just kidding I don’t talk to those guys, but I would enjoy the joke everytime I saw them.

  265. Noodles Hahn.

    (Noodles Hahn pitched for the Cincinnati Reds in the early 1900s. He was lefthanded. I include that information only because it is extremely important).

    Also, this post made me happy. Thank you.

  266. I’m going with Georges Pompidou
    I’m living in France right now so I’m maybe biased towards a French name…but something about the superior look in the eye combined with the jaunty tail says “Pompidou” to me.

  267. I would name him Prince. Because I stil have a wierd sort of lusting facination for the odd little man left over from my teen years. And because he did perform with Beyonce once and it was fabulous!

  268. I would name him Heidi, because look at him – he is obviously standing at the top of a mountain, yodeling Riiiiiicola!

  269. 269
    Tammy Proctor

    And I totally almost fell on my head into the bathtub because my mother fucking left leg got bored and went to sleep. Bastard. If your leg can’t have insomnia with you who can?

  270. Elliot Ness. Because the original and the metal chicken version are equal in badassery.

  271. Gilbert Rousseau. The end.

    kim at allconsuming recently posted In a house of wild things….

  272. BLue Fucking Ivy.


    Maryluz Stratton recently posted Resolution Run.

  273. Jefferson Davis!

  274. Weldon. Duh.

  275. I need a ‘like’ button for #95 Tetanus von Lockjaw – that’s a perfectly awesome name 🙂

  276. Sherman P. Drinkwater II

  277. Cowbell.

  278. I would name that little cutie Gordon Cock after Gordon Ramsay. Clearly he likes to cook… he is IN the kitchen…. WITH UTENSILS! It makes sense being that Gordon is hilarous and a cock ;D

  279. Parker Posey

  280. Festus. Obviously.

    Paula in MN recently posted Oh NO! That Did Not Just Happen..

  281. I would name him “His Royal Highness, Christopher Rupert, Vwindemier Vlandamier, Carl Alexander, Francois Reginald, Lancelot Herman (HERMAN?), Gregory James”.

    But call him Spuds for short.

  282. 282

    I, too, would name it Blue. (that was my one rhyme of the day. I only get one. With 4yo twins and 2yo I’m gonna have some ticked off preschoolers when they find out I wasted it here.)

  283. when I first saw him I was all “James Van der Beak!!!!”
    then I read through all the comments and saw that someone else Knew it was the right name, and it warmed the cockles of my heart, even that ever elusive subcocklear area.
    I know others , seeing the proper name already in print, may have felt cock-blocked, but not this gal.
    I have been thoroughly entertained by some of the suggestions and gladly internally commented “that name sucks cock”. So, not to sound cocky but, it really doesn’t matter who wins Mr.Van der Beak, I am happy.

  284. He’d live a happy life with my happy rats.

    Lynne recently posted Wordies.

  285. 285
    Barbara de Lap

    Tiberus or chick filet.

    And I have a baby scale from the 50’s full of baby heads. Why? Because it freaks out my in-laws. In scrabble letters below the scale it says, ” pounds of baby heads”

  286. I’d name him Mijnher Nico van Dusen (and the vampire hunter duck could be Abraham van Duckling). Btw: I looove Ferris Mewler, what a pretty cat….

  287. Matthew McCockaughey – yup, that’s what I’d name him. I mean, he’s from Texas, his brother’s name is Rooster – how could this chicken’s name NOT be Matthew McCockaughey?

  288. 288
    Leah Bodine

    Ian Grundleson

  289. I would name it Glarg, which is a real word that means better-than-towels. And by real word, I mean a word I just made up. But all words are made up. So it is a real word.

    Chloe recently posted So it turns out normal people sleep.

  290. I would name it “Corndogs Jones.”

    SKellyHart recently posted Snow Days.

  291. Sheldon Cooper. Clearly. Because a chicken once made him its bitch.

    Jennifer recently posted Are You Sirious?.

  292. looks like a Bill Clinton to me

  293. 293

    Coke-Al-Doodle-Hugh. I really hope no-one else came up with this one already… Also do you ship to England? Just asking!

  294. 294
    Melanie J Frank

    Art Garfunkel, because it’s like Peach Melba, or Steak Diane…you know it’s Art, but it’s Garfunkled, and plus who doesn’t want to sing Bridge Over Troubled Water off key with an awesome MC…that’s metal chicken, not motorcycle club.

  295. Victor. Or Fred. Same diff.

  296. Ricky Ricardo. Nuff said

  297. Xander Harris clearly ran afoul of some dubious Texas types. He must have flown the coop and flocked to the swap meet. We’d love to have him home here in Fort Worth. 🙂

  298. He’s a gangster rooster named “tiny” who struts around saying cock-a-doodle-WHO,bitch?!? Clearly needs anger management.

    My husband would die if I brought one of these home. He’s constantly saying knock knock mutherfucker. Pretty sure our daughter’s first phrases will include that one.

    Kate recently posted Culture and Culinary Pursuits.

  299. Funny, but I’ve never seen those items at Macy’s.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted My favorite romance novels..

  300. Solange!

  301. 301
    Karen Stanford

    He needs to be named Cock-a-doodle-wooooooooo

  302. Martin Van Buren, the tiny vampire hunting dead duckling, is totally adorable.

    And if I win, I’m calling the mini Beyonce “Simon James Alexander Ragsdale the Third.” Or maybe George.

  303. “Circumnavigation.” I’d name it “Circumnavigation.” And not to be funny. Because there’s clearly nothing funny about that name, it’s just what popped into my head first thing this mor ning. (Typos galore. DROID acting haunted. Giving up and clicking Submit.(Pleasethe ignore the

  304. Oddly enough, it is my husband who would love a metal chicken. However, since I do love him and generally want him to be happy, I’ll play!! I would name him Johann Sebastion Buck-Buck!

  305. I would name him Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger.

  306. He shall be named Johnny Cock-ran. I must have him for my sister. I’d say I’m altruistic, but I’m not. My sister bought me a big one for my porch, but I cannot return the favor because her husband is a superintendent – the neighbors might frown on a huge metal chicken on the front porch. So she needs one that is demure and can be hidden next to a tall plant if necessary.

  307. Colonel Cluck! (With Colonel pronounced the way it’s written – col-o-nel).

  308. Mister Pipkin who was, heretofore, my invisible friend. Now I believe him to be both visible and, clearly, that very metal bird. And that was intended to mean “That bird right there in those photos who is made of metal and not meat” and not intended to indicate how very metal his music tastes are.

    Mind you he does look pretty darn metal.

  309. Chuck the Cluck, obviously.

    Erin recently posted one of these things is not quite like the other.

  310. Jay Tweetz.

    Kris recently posted And so this is Sickness . . ..

  311. I would name it Hyacinth Bucket. (pronounced bou-quet of course)

  312. I’d call him Shitsnacks, Defintely – Shitsnacks.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Greek Yogurt Review IX : Liberte Mediterranee Yogurt.

  313. I’d name him Jenny and make him read your blog posts to me and hide in the bathroom whenever we have a party. Also we’d have arguments all the time because he’d want to buy ridiculous shit, but I’d always eventually let him win. Obviously, Jenny would be a major improvement in my life.

  314. McLovin.

  315. J.J. (Jenny Junior because she’d always be a good time!)

  316. I would name it Howard. Howard The Cluck.

    Barbara recently posted Weekly Fitness Wrap Up #3.

  317. Arnold. He just looks like an Arnold.

    Rachel recently posted Have I mentioned I live in Beckley now?.

  318. That is Prince Albert. Clearly.

  319. KANYE

  320. Cock-A-Mamie and Mamie for short

    boo reynolds recently posted Inspiration Part 6 Another year another time.

  321. And I shall name Ye chicken….Mother Clucker.

  322. It looks like a rooster, so I’d name it Jay-Z, natch. Or Blue Ivy if you reckon it’s a girl. It is a baby Beyonce after all…

  323. My brother just had a baby and named him Keele (rhymes with steel). I keep wanting to call the baby Reminton Keele, but I’m afraid if I do they won’t let me near him. So how about Reminton Keele the 2nd?


  324. And yes, I sometimes actually DO know how to spell “Remington”.


  325. 325
    Breane Morrison

    I would name the chicken Kentucky Fried… Or Tuck for short. And on a different topic, my favorite old swap meet book I ever found was called “How Do You Spank a Porcupine?” I learned that porcupines are feisty critters and don’t make good housepets, but not the best way to punish said feisty porcupine. Book fail.

  326. Beyonce Jr., I think.

  327. Frank. He looks like a Frank. And when I get a flying pig to go on his head, the pig’s name will be Wimbley.

  328. Since I’m a New York City girl, I would have to name him Jack McCoy because not only was Law & Order badass, but I think he will properly freak out my doorman when he helps me unload my groceries. Win, win. Or something.

  329. francesca. obviously.

  330. He looks like a miniature butler, so his name would be Henry.

  331. A smaller, less spectacular version of Beyonce? Her name is Solange, obvi!

  332. 332
    Uber Lurker

    Chicken Butt. Then I could say – “What’s up chicken-butt?”

  333. 333
    Uber Lurker

    Just read Nikki’s name – Mother Clucker – fucking love it!! She should win.

  334. *bites her lip* Oh my. It’s the time that can only be described as the butt-crack of dawn, I’m suffering from slight, and by slight, I mean “Oh my god, oh my god, we’re all gonna die!” hysteria, and my blogging hero is giving away a miniature Beyonce! Um. Um, um, um um….

    With the high potential that I will rename said metal chicken when it’s not so damn early and I’m not under so much pressure to think… probably “Cher.” Cher seems like a great name for a beautiful, colorful, wonderful metal chicken that totally isn’t towels!

    Morgan recently posted Five Cup Salad.

  335. Hettie. She is really stunning. Ferris is a cutie too!

    Michele recently posted Sunday Stash #42.

  336. Sir Pecks-a-Lot

  337. Well obviously I would HAVE to name the apartment sized metal chicken Victor! I mean, come on, if it wasn’t for YOUR Victor, you probably never would have gotten the original Beyonce. It would totally be in honor of Victor, he really should be quite proud that I would give do that for him.

  338. Toulouse Lautrec. No hyphen, no Henri, because he’s a cock not a pussy.

  339. He totally looks like a Fred to me.

    But then I’d have to go searching for his twin George. And then the boyfriend would probably kill me.


  340. My evil daughter is planning a Coke inspired room, because what relaxes a child for sleep more than pictures of a CAFFEINATED beverage? I know that she would love Princess Grace of Monaco.

  341. Ave María. That just makes me giggle. Because my family is Jewish and bilingual.

    If I find it male, possibly something containing the word “bandokadonk” , like Neil Rockwell Badonkadonk. A world-renowned biologist, botanist and evolution theorist. He and Darwin loved spitting contests.

    Beth recently posted You Are Cordially Invited To Make A Fool Of Yourself. I Know I Will!.

  342. He is a he (you can tell if you turn him over), and he shall be named Simon Fowl.

  343. I really feel bad for that demon. He’s freaking the fuck out and looks like he needs a hug.

  344. Edgar. And he’d saunter and have a condescending French accent.

    prin recently posted Faily McLazy....

  345. Titty Sprinkles. Because who doesn’t look at that little chicken and not see a dignified mini Morgan Freeman?

  346. I would name him Engleburt. Not sure why but that is the vibe I get. By the way I have got to find me a copy of that corpse book! It will go perfect with my hearse and casket collection. Is it a collection if you have two of each? Anyway how awesome would it look me parked in my 62 caddy hearse Delilah, sitting in the back, Engleburt in the casket and me reading a copy of that book to him? By the way you are my new hero.

  347. Hrmmm

    Keeping w the Beyonce theme I would go with Destiny’s Chick(en)

  348. I have no idea what I would name him but know I need him!

    Amy O'H. recently posted A Little Glimpse.

  349. Well, that’s Fawkes.. it’s what happens to a phoenix after Dumbledore dies… of course. Glad to have you back in the great state of Texas, Jenny! Nothing like a hill country market to lift your spirits!

  350. You know you and Hailey could be the first to review the corpse book on amazon. And what a steal – they want $7.50 for theirs and they only have 1 left. You are sitting on a goldmine if you decide to resell!

    I would name her Camilla – not for Prince Charles’ girlfriend, but for Gonzo’s girlfriend. That’s because once I had a real chicken and her name was Camilla. This would be like the bones of Camilla the 1st coming back.

    Glad you are back from a stressful week all safe and sound.

  351. I’d name him Bruce. Yup, he’s definitely a Bruce!

  352. I would give him a strong Chamorro name: Kelaguin! And, I would put him out on the front porch so that when all the other roosters on island crow, he’d stand there and stare at them like, “What? Like the sun’s not going up on it’s own!” And, I’d take him to the beach, but I wouldn’t let him out of the car because he’d get rusty and then Sommer would get tetanus because for sure Sommer would want to have a slumber party with Kelaguin and she’d want to hug him, then she’d get scratched by his rusty tail and it would all be my fault. Kelaguin, because sometimes I feel like kelaguin, all chopped up and mixed up.

  353. In honor of your book “Chicklit” and also because she’s a mini Beyonce

    Jill recently posted Thistle Feeder.

  354. I’d name him “Destiny’s Child”

  355. With his wonky looking eye he looks like the little town drunk/weird guy from every 1950 western. So I’d name him Festus.

    Martin Van Buren’s necklace is killing me.

  356. I would name him Francois and only speak to him in French accents, or little bits of french words, but I don’t know a lot of French… so it wouldn’t be a lot of words, though I do know that Balloon is Balonge!

  357. 357
    Queen of Snark

    He shall be called – CoCo, the semi-giant badassedly awesome metal chicken. Obviously…

  358. 358
    Deb Ferpotto

    Obviously, she wants to be called Loretta. (In my best Month Python voice)

  359. Well it should be a Kelly Rowland shouldn’t it?

    Steve recently posted Shredded pork tacos.

  360. Rusty McDonald

  361. His name would be Herman Augustus

  362. Rusty McChickenhead

    recently posted A little perspective.


    Because see, I had poultry until some asshole complained to the county about them, and one of them was a black Polish rooster named Paul that someone shipped me all the way from the West Coast, and then he came out of the shipping cage and threw some West Coast gang signs and one of my East Coast hens was all “NUH UH SUCKA!” and plucked his eye out. BUT! He still got along just fine with the one eye and made those hens his BITCHES. Then I had to get rid of my birds and we packed Paul up and sent him several states north to my mother-in-law’s farm, and basically he’s the most well-traveled rooster EVER but I really miss being able to say I have a one-eyed black cock named Paul.

    I wouldn’t even mind that the mini-Beyonce has two eyes. That’s okay. I can PRETEND.

    MFA Mama recently posted tomorrow....

  364. I’d name him “Le-a” pronounced ‘Ledasha’. My stuffed penguin, Shenaynay Sheniqua, is lonely.

  365. Jay-C

    but I worry that he might miss Beyonce.

    And really, this little chicken should be able to live in the shadow of his spouse, just like his namesake

    Heather recently posted Abuse by judicial process.

  366. I’m pretty sure I’d name a metal chicken “Gregory Peck.”

    Clint recently posted Over-thinking and under-thinking.

  367. Beethoven. And then I would take him to all my concerts ^_^

  368. I love Duckie the Vampire Slayer! The only thing better is an indoor Beyonce.

    I would name him Victor because it’s kind of an homage, but also, it would make the real Victor roll his eyes. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making our spouses think we’re just slightly crazy but knowing they love us anyways (or maybe they love us BECAUSE we’re slightly crazy–12 years into my marriage and I haven’t figured that out yet).

  369. Princess Liliana Von Chesterfield

  370. I would call him by his obvious name, of course.


  371. Ludwig Von Chickenstein-

    In memory of my brother and I’s late pet cockroach. We found him in our apartment many years ago and through the magic of the Internet determined it was a German cockroach, hence his name: Ludwig Von Roachenstein. RIP, Ludwig.

  372. Because my brain is fried this morning? I would name him Shicken-chit. Too bad you’re not sending Ferris along. My cat needs some competition to get her back in the game in the cuteness department. She’s gotten lazy with the photo-ops lately, mostly doing her “sleeping lump” yoga pose for hours.

    Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted SOC Sunday: Nearly Human.

  373. I would have to name her Flannery O’Cocker.

  374. That is one bad-ass (small)big metal chicken. I like how he’s all “yeah, I got scorch marks all over, and extra crazy eyes on my head, but I gots a big blue tail, and I ROCK that tail. And that there Ferris Mewler can photo-bomb me all he wants, I’ll just BBQ Fork his ass if he comes near me with those freaky mitts!”

    The Coca-Cola parts remind me of the big puffy sleeves on a certain infamous Clown Sweater, but this guy’s so bad-ass, he even ROCKs that.

    I’d name him EVIL WIL WHEATON, and he’d live on my coffee table, so I could look at him every day and remember where I was when I first saw his bad-ass self.

    Cocoonivus recently posted Old Girls, Golden Girls.

  375. I would name him Chairman Mao. Not because he looks like Chairman Mao or because I equate chickens with communists, but because I have always wanted a Chinese dwarf hamster named Chairman Mao. However, as you’ve proven with Beyonce, this is much more sensible than a hamster or yes, even towels.

  376. Dude! Ferris, the natural photo-bomber! I would name the chicken Kellogg – clearly, this is the same chicken on the corn flakes box.
    Or at least Kellogg’s cousin.

  377. 377
    Jamie In Indy

    That’s obviously my long, lost chicken, Nugget…

  378. OH MY GOD I WANT A MINI BEYONCE! I would probably name him after someone famous.
    Neil Patrick Harris. I would name him Neil Patrick Harris! Yes.

  379. I would name him Angus MacGyver. That is obviously his name.

  380. Fran Tarkenton is his name.

  381. I happen to have a “thing” for big cocks! He should be sent to a home which will love him and squeeze him and name him George! Sadly, and much to my husbands dismay, this shall be the only cock squeezing and hugging happening in my home! But don’t worry, I will keep George far away from my husband and his jealousy issues. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want a giant colored cock named George!

  382. 382
    Shelly Buckingham

    She needs to live in Western New York…I haven’t seen a single Beyonce up here …yet. I am SO jealous of your Texas “malls”. And she is so obviously Anastasia Beaverhousen.

  383. Cluck Kent. I would even make him a SuperChicken cape for when he flies around town saving babies whose head are on spikes.

  384. Roman Coke is his name.

    I saw your tweet when I woke up in the middle of the night the first time, but waited until the second time to check it. Glad I did. First, I laughed so hard I jolted myself fully awake. And then I spent the next hour trying to remember what I used to hear my sister say when she was referring to “rum and coke. Hence, the rooster is Roman Coke. Hope he is free range.

  385. 385
    Rachel Timmons

    I would name her Henrietta…
    Because I have a 6 foot blow up mummy named Henry that comes out at Halloween. And my husband would be even more annoyed to see Henrietta on top of our fridge every day other than the two weeks in October he gets to hear “Babe can you turn Henry on?”. For which I snicker because I know in his perverted mind he is thinking something dirty and he is really annoyed at the mention of having to “turn on” a 6 foot blow up Mummy named Henry.

  386. Norton – so you can scream NORTON like they did on the Honeymooners.

  387. Much to my husband’s dismay, I would name her “Buffy the Worm Slayer” :o)

  388. We would love her and keep her in a fish tank and name her Tuna, because they are the chicken of the sea

  389. 389
    Linda Jones

    My broody hen cookie jar (the only thing I kept from my grandmother’s house) really likes the looks of your mini-giant-chicken/rooster. She’s convinced his name is Carlos and he’s going to rescue her from the loneliness and boredom of being without a pre-rusty Latino partner. My DH is out of town, so he can’t even give me funny looks for trying to play matchmaker. This could be our own “while you are out” episode. 🙂

  390. Miguel. Miguel the coke smuggling cock from Madagascar.

  391. Since my DH got me a crystal clock for our 15th anniversary (I guess that’s the TRADITIONAL gift), I really need that baby Beyonce. I would name him Crystal, in honor of the gift I got instead of the gift I wanted.

  392. No brainer, Cock-A-Bloodle Ivy.

  393. Chic Perez. But I don’t know why…

  394. I’d name him Eugene “The Cola” Frankenfurter.

    JessicaZombie recently posted Next year’s resolution : eat more ice cream.

  395. I’d name him Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack Obama (cause that’s the noise a chicken sometimes kinda makes, right? Like, “Baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaaak, baa-raaaaaaaaaaaaak”??)

  396. Alexander Skarsgaard. Duh.

  397. Rihanna Gingrich.

    ’nuff said.

  398. 398
    Kristy Boykin

    Coke-a-Doodle-Blue………what else would he be named?

  399. I’d name this thing Marty McFly, but then again, I want to name everything Marty McFly.

  400. Beulah of course. She would stand guard on my porch and keep the other damn chickens off of it or as my luck will probably have it, invite them on to party!!!

  401. I would name it Ophelia the 2pronged fork wielding grill master. She would need a mate of course, so I would be signing her up with match.com immediately! Hopefully the could find the perfect match based on nine levels of metal compatibility. Some one with a thing for 2prong Gorky thinks, heavy metal music, and wasnt toting around a miniature electric chair.

  402. Super Bad. His name is Super Bad and his cape and mask are waiting for him!

  403. Solange, obviously. Or whatever Beyonce named her baby….

  404. I name this grande sized metal chicken “KK” (for Knock Knock)

    Or, applying what I imagine might have been your own gut flash of naming instinct with Beyonce: Madonna.

    (I can’t believe I put “gut” and “flash” next to each other. But I’m leaving it.)

    Sarah recently posted Just can't resist a new start.

  405. Rutherford B. Hayes.

    The B stands for Badass.

  406. Definitely Gertie 🙂

  407. If that baby were mine, I would totally name it Richard Simmons. Seriously, is there any diva more deserving of the honor of having a tiny metal cock share their name? Then I could imagine a mini Richard Simmons chicken going all “Work it, girl!” and we would dance to the oldies all through the night!

  408. Chocachola Chicken or Chokey Chicken for short.

    MVB looks really real, obviously since he is a stuffed duck, but also disturbingly like my daughters’ rubber ducky toys.


    Clint Galliano recently posted The old one ends & the new one begins....

  409. I’d name him Jean-Claude. And put him in a snappy chapeau, *obviously*

  410. I’m assuming Coke-A-Doodle-Do is to obvious right? But I’d still name it that, mostly because I think it would be really funny to hear my 3 year old say it over and over.

  411. Chicken Kahn, Queen of Funk(y Junk).

  412. I would name that giant metal chicken Phyllis Diller.

    Those doll head on spikes are bad enough bit the doll heads on chains will haunt me for a long time to come.

    bibliofleur recently posted ME ON THE BEACH WITH A BUSHWACKER.

  413. Clearly that chicken’s name is Reginald McCoffey and he belongs on my front porch. CLEARLY.

    Sara Plays House recently posted The New Year And Changes And Dragon Poop.

  414. Oh Jenny, his name is for sure- Captain Frederick Von Muller.

  415. I’d name him “That Fucking Metal Chicken” since that’s probably what my husband would call him anyway.

  416. 416
    Heather Molella

    Henry Hitchcock. I was going to go with Alfred Hitchcock, but Henry seemed more appropriate. Maybe I’m just channeling Auntie Em from the numerous viewings of The Wizard of Oz that I’ve had with my 4 year old lately.

  417. Metal Clucker

  418. Shakira

  419. Carl. Simply Carl. With a c, not a k.

    Andie recently posted ....and we're back..

  420. 420
    Cactus Sally

    I would name him Herman Ploucquet.

  421. So that when I walked by I cold nod and simply go “hey Carl” and pretend that Carl was nodding back at me.

    Andie recently posted ....and we're back..

  422. I would name him The Cocktor. Because The Doctor is already taken.

  423. I would name him Gerard Depardieu…..

  424. First of all, I love Martin Van Buren. A vampire-hunting duck? That’s only the greatest thing ever.

    Second, I would totally name mini-Beyonce “Fustercluck.”

  425. I would name him Kurt Loder.

    jacki recently posted On Tonight’s Plate 6.

  426. My chicken would be Bobby Nashville. He wants to be a superstar and has changed his name to reflect his future!

  427. I would totally name him Richard Feynman.

  428. I would name him Alexander von Haas

    And I would love him forever.

    Maeve recently posted Weather.

  429. The Rhumba King. He looks like he wants to dance.

  430. I would have to name him Cee Lo Green. Just because!

  431. I would name him TERRY (for towels)!

  432. I would have to name her Mother Clucker. And I’m even going to the trouble of dusting off a spot for her. May have to buy a spotlight as well.

  433. One name stands alone for me. Gnarls Chickens, Esquire. He is a barrister. His powdered barrister wig is in the shop. Being re-wigged or something.

    Also, I love you.

  434. I love this. And Martin too. I’m so bad coming up with names but I think I’d name him Snorts because that is what I do when I laugh really hard (like when I read about Beyonce) and because he’s made out of Coke. I’d clean off my bar so he’d have a place to live.

  435. I would name him Doctor and put him next to the mini TARDIS that sits on my counter.

  436. Will Wheaton the Collating Chicken

  437. Sasha, obviously!

  438. Lola. In the tradition of turning metal rosters into females. And, clearly, she was a showgirl.

  439. I would name him Brini Maxwell. I’ve been waiting to name something Brini Maxwell and this rooster fits the bill. Hee!

  440. I would hug him and pet him and call him George.

  441. Victor.

  442. Captain Cluck LaRue is what I would name him…because it’s bad ass

  443. I babyBeyonce comes to live with me in Alabama I’ll name him Gerald McChickenbutt and dress him up for seasons & holidays…’cause that’s how we roll down here. In fact, I think the first thing he’d get would be a kilt, to honor his Scottish heritage.

  444. BAH creepy doll heads and coffin. But awwwwwww kitttttttttttty! I’m a sucker for kitty.

    Obviously, I’d name it Sasha Fierce.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Two Unrelated But Awesome Things!.

  445. Cluck Woolery.

    If that chicken were mine, I would absolutely name him Cluck Woolery. Because my house needs a game show host.

    Under normal circumstances, I tend not to enter blog giveaway thingies like this, as I always feel someone out there probably wants to win more than I do. But because I had a dream last night that I knew and hugged Beyonce in the parking lot of a Hardee’s, I felt compelled to give it a go.


    Phoebe Marie recently posted Mmmmm. Hormones..

  446. My neighbors have chickens in their backyard. Not awesome metal chickens, but live chickens. They had a rooster briefly, but were so terrified that other neighbors would complain that they claim they gave him away to a farm, but I think that he is in the great chicken coop in the sky. Back to the live chickens, they occasionally escape and come to visit. I will pull in my driveway to find a gang of mean looking chickens giving me the eyeball. They like to terrorize my cat Nobody. He is an indoor cat and desperately wants to go out to either play with the chickens or eat them. I’m not sure which. I hear them in their chicken language smack talking the cat. It is very ugly. We don’t live in a particularly rural area, mostly I would describe it as suburban hell. If I were to be lucky enough to win the chicken I would name him Rayland Chickvens and give him a water pistol to stand guard at the window to keep the miscreant chickens out of my yard. He would tell them if they crossed the fence he’d have to pull on them and the shooting would be Justified.

    So to summarize Rayland Chickvens.

  447. To find the best name, I’d have to wait until I saw him/her in person….like a new baby.

    Also, my husband will kill me if I win.

  448. Everytime I drive my the giant Beyonce around the corner from my house, I hang my head out the window and scream, “Knock, Knock, Mother Fucker!” I will most likely be arrested one day.
    I would name him CockZ.

  449. I would name him Taylor, because as you can see his gender is ambiguous, and I want him to know that we love him exactly the way he is.

  450. I would name her Solange…because she would be beyonce’s sister…

  451. I should be working on a deadline, instead only chicken names in my head:

    Apollo in tribute to your goddess-ish-ness;
    Steven Tyler, because he looks like a screecher too;
    or Spike for short

  452. Obviously he must be named…..

    Jay Zeeee Cock

  453. This would be great, because the only thing my husband would like LESS than a Beyonce the chicken replica would be that I’d have something else to name. He hates that I name things (especially the cars) and then expect him to say “Rambo” instead of “the Rav4.” “The Rav4.” So boring.

    If I had a non-giant metal chicken, I would name him…Culver.

    Megan recently posted Topeka to Auburn: Pre-Race Worries.

  454. I would name him Alrik Crick III…unless it is a lady rooster, then her name is Francis Crick. Love your cat in the photo. Always wanted a cat named Hematoma…just cause it’s fun to say.

  455. Ethel. For my late, bad-assed saint of a grandmother who ran her farm until the day she died at 86, always picked up hitchhikers and took in strays, and would totally have gotten the big metal chicken movement.

  456. 456

    I feel quite certain that my husband would love Reuben Hasselhoff. He’d look so nice in my husband’s office!!

  457. Spencer O’Riley

  458. My 5 year old insists his name is Princess Leonard.

  459. Chester Bumblepatch

  460. Lord Archibald Farquar known to his friends as Tarquin.

    But I’m in the UK so I guess Tarquin will never be mine. *sob*

  461. 461
    james michael

    the wee chicken shamus.

  462. He shall be Mick Jagger 🙂

    Becca J recently posted Big Foot.

  463. Well, I would call it most probably Humperdinck. Or Swarley. But as my phone is called Swarley….maybe not. But definitely humperdinck. Why Humperdinck? Cause well, I always wanted a pet to call that, but as I have dog allergies and my mother has cat allergies I couldnt. But now that I live in my own place, I still cant get a cat if I want my mom to come over….so no pet for us.

    No….wait!!! Swarles Barkley!

    imperfectmomma recently posted He loves us.

  464. Jay-Z, obviously.

    kara recently posted merry, merry.

  465. Have about Greta Garbo? With those legs….

  466. If he came to live with me, he would need a German name, so I say Hahnfried Baron von Schnaps.

  467. 467
    Astrea Ward

    I’d name her Bellatrix Belladonna Maleficent. Just ‘cuz.

  468. Filbert. Like the nut. Because he’s clearly a little off.

  469. I’m gonna love him, and hug him, and pet him, and call him George!

    It’s not a particularly original morning for me… 🙂

  470. First off, I LOVE your ducky-the-vampire-slayer scene, and think it would make a lovely October in next year’s calendar.

    Secondly, I’d name him Jay-Z. Let’s be real. We all know that Beyonce is the one who stands tall enough to wear the pants in that relationship. 🙂

  471. I’d have to name him “Jon Bon Jovi” – since he totally rocks! 🙂

    Michelle S. recently posted I think I’m in love….

  472. I would name him BAWK Obama because chickens go “BAWK” and I love Obama!

  473. If he were mine, his name would be Benedict. He would live on the bookcase next to my green, orange and blue pig statue and secretly judge all who enter our house.

  474. Rory!


  476. I would name him Calvin. Because he looks like a Calvin. Duh.

  477. Owe Emm Gee. Too frakkin funny. Just because I’m thinking of Nathan Fillion and twine this morning, I would name the chick Captain Tight Pants. o.O cause… browncoats are shiney

  478. Wilfred Von Cockerbush IV motherfucker shit fuck…sorry he has turrets.

    KrissyPoop recently posted Shibas and Snow.

  479. I would name it Xavier Tophat.

  480. gonna have to go with Prince Popeycock! I think this is Beyonce’s younger brother! 😀

  481. I believe we’re looking st Reba Marie Farquhar.

  482. You have absolutely no idea how much that metal chicken would complete my life.


    Ashley recently posted Bad Thoughts and Bus Accidents.

  483. Hmmmm I have grown up with live chickens and always hated naming them cause when they grew up they usually never looked like the name i gave them when they were babies (Sunshine looks more like a speckled poop color now…. Cutie turned into a rooster)

    But this guy I would probably name Fred Rogers (as in Mr. Rogers he looks like a fine neighbor)

  484. I think I’d call him “Amos”. He looks kind of Amos-y. Or maybe “What-the-hell-is-that?”, because that’s what everyone who came over would call him.

    Jessica recently posted The Birthday Party..

  485. Wil Weaton. Because he is cola-lating.

  486. I would name him Duncan. And I’m pretty sure my husband would love him, so we’re good there!

  487. I would name baby Beyonce “Leona”!!! Thanks for sharing your adventures!

    Tonya recently posted ecourses.

  488. I’d name him Sheldon.

  489. I might name him shitsnacks, but really have to meet him first.

  490. Following directions this time:

    I’m going to name her Solange. Beyonce’s younger, slightly less attractive and less famous sister.

    Ashley recently posted Bad Thoughts and Bus Accidents.

  491. Pollo Azul sounds sophisticated enough!

  492. Obviously it has to be Kelly Rowland, the one who never quite made it big.

  493. Jerome.

    Will he also come with a smaller flying pig on his head? You know, in true Mini-Beyonce fashion?

    Or will we be left to accessorize for ourselves?

  494. I would name him Jubilee. Both my husband and i LOVE beyoncee…. and when i look at Jubilee i would think of my husband, whom i am going to terribly miss while he is deployed.

  495. I’d name him Banty Cockins of course…

  496. His name, of course, is Alphonse Cluckmunster!

  497. I don’t need to win a mini-Beyonce, because I’ve been gifted two already, but I had to tell you that the first one is named Mini-Beyonce Davy Jones… which obviously meant that when metal chicken number two arrived I had to name her Solange Micky Dolenz. My husband has also accused me of metal chicken hoarding, but I’m quick to point out that I didn’t buy either of them – they were GIFTS.

  498. I would name him Jane Goodall and gently suggest to him that it is his destiny to befriend the only other animal-shaped item in my room, a plush chimp named Freddie Mercury who lives in a hand-painted masquerade mask my college roommate brought back from Florence.

  499. What I want to know is why the fork is Sir John Gielgud armed in picture two?

    awesomesauciness recently posted Where Have You Been?.

  500. 500
    Shelley Shearer

    Brewster the Rooster, because after reading about vampire hunters the first thing that popped into my mind after seeing a rooster was evil Ed from Fright Night taunting Charley Brewster. I would give him a good and loving home near our sachophagus. Unless you feel he would prefer the giant lego people (human sized). True items in my home.

  501. Pasquale. i would name him pasquale and give him a monicle on a chain for him to wear to the opera.

  502. Willie Nelson. As President, Martin Van Buren opposed the annexation of Texas, and I am fairly certain Willie Nelson would not have voted for him.

  503. I’d have to go with Bea Arthur. I can see no explanation is needed.

  504. My husband would absolutely HATE Baby-B.

    HATE him (or her).

    Almost as much as he hates Jon Bon Jovi.

    So for that, I’d definitely have to name him (or her) BUCUUUUUUUCK Bon Jovi.

    Or Jon Bon Cock-a-doodle-doo (JB Cock for short).

    Because torturing my husband with delicious-looking 50-year-old rock-band front-men is just one of the things that keeps me away from the Dewar’s. That, and the over-use of hyphens.

    And I’m not in Austrailia, so you could totally send it to me. I’ll gladly start the Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken for my Aussie friends (and those in New Zealand). Who wouldn’t like to get a surprise little cock in the mail.


  505. I have been looking for a Beyonce of my own for ages now. Apparently people of the north are not allowed to own giant metal chickens. Or maybe they just all hate me and are hiding them whenever I’m around. I’m not sure. Either way, I want one so very badly. On the other hand, real live chickens are not uncommon. I’m still trying to convince my husband we need some. So far he has not agreed. Maybe the little guy would be a good way to ease him into the idea. As for a name… not sure, maybe practice chicken or (can you tell how horrible I am at names?) well, I wanted to name him Jenny but he is definitely a boy, rooster to be exact so maybe not. Gah! I hate naming things. Maybe you could name him while he’s staying with you. I’d gladly keep his given name.

    heidi recently posted Mai Tai One On – Book Review.

  506. His name must be Weenie Cock. A little redundant, but I approve. He would be a celebrity and go on trips with me and have his picture taken everywhere. At the beach in sunglasses with suntan lotion. On the playground swinging (although there his name would be Bangers N. Mash for the kids and because everyone should be able to change their names at will). Best of all, I could take him to the local kink group meetings and all sorts of Dom/sub masochistic photography could ensue. Also, there is a giant chicken nearby whose name is Giant Cock. He could be its tiny boyfriend.

  507. His name is Carlos. I need that chicken.

  508. I’ve thought of a few for the Baby Beyonce:

    For a boy: Cluck Norris or Chickabod Crane
    For a girl: Emily Chickenson or Elizabeth Barrett BrownEgg

    or just Clucky Peckmeister

  509. I thought Van Helsing was the vampire killer, not Van Buren but, then again, who am I to question the accuracy of someone who has obviously way too much time on her hands.

    moooooog35 recently posted Wrapping Up the Week - January 22, 2012.

  510. So… wait… “Beyonce’s” out, which means I suppose “Beyonce Junior” is off the table… well, if that’s the case, I’d name him Mr Clucktastic–because he’s fucking clucktastic, of *course!*

    Thanks for the laughs, Jenny!

    Leslie Annis recently posted HAPPY HOUR AT CASA DRACULA by Marta Acosta – Book Review.

  511. “Fernando”, I would name him Fernando. Like the Abba song.

    Kelly recently posted Not much going on......

  512. I would name it Peanut Butter Batman or Francine depending upon it’s gender.

  513. “Victor”. Maybe the honor of having a chicken named after him with get him on board with all of the invaluable treasures you find. Or maybe it will exasperate him more…Oh well, I just thought I’d be neighborly and make the offer. (At least I didn’t want to name a spiked baby head after him, geez!)

    P.S. I just got a txt from Martin Van Buren. He LOVES my idea!

  514. I’d name him Rooster Cockburn, natch.

  515. 515
    Sarah Griffin

    Punky Brewster!

  516. I would name it, Sierra. Not only, is it my name, but it has been the #1 stripper name for years. My parents were forward thinkers.

    Oh, and as long as you place a bottle of Aunt Jamima with the baby dolls on spikes, I’m certain it makes in less horrific and demented. It’s kinda like saying, “Die, die, die, but in a sticky-sweet sorta way.”

  517. I’d name him Lionel Roostie. Also, I need to find places like this in the DFW area.

  518. I can’t help wondering why there is a syrup bottle in the speared doll head display?

  519. 519

    I would name him Frank. There’s no funny reason for that, I just think he looks like a Frank.

  520. I would name him Neil Ing.
    He would live on my desk at work and put curses on the person who continually crop dusts outside my cube. He would live on Jelly Belly’s and water. He will love life and bring me much joy.

  521. Jonathan Silverman.

    Will recently posted 1.22.

  522. i would name him Oisin because he looks like the kind of guy a fairy would fall in love with because they all look for that elusive magic in someone — he has the magic of understanding, of not judging, of listening, of being there speechlessly, of caring about your cat as much as you do, of making you laugh, of hearing your tears but not trying to fix you, of just letting you fly when you need to and bringing you back to earth when your wings are tired and you don’t know how to stop — so i would name him Oisin and he would be my friend.

  523. There was a time in my life when I would’ve immediately answered “Bronson Pinchot” but I’ve moved on from that. Since you have a lot of Presidential names happening, I would name this chicken “Bawk! Obama”. Or maybe Phyllis.

    Stacia recently posted Name Your Media Club.

  524. Ivy Blue Tail. enough said. 😉

  525. Victor of course…..

  526. His name is totally Doug.

  527. I would love him and I would pet him and I would name him Happy.

  528. Well since this would be a gift for my sister so she can start a “knock knock mother fucker campaign” to cheer up all the sad/depressed people we know, I would have to let her name him. I personally like Harvey but couldn’t come up with anything to go with it. I didn’t want to try to hard already getting attached and he’s not even mine!

  529. I’m torn between two names; I’ll have to get to know his personality before deciding: “Cray-Z” or “Big Chi-CKEN in NYC.”

  530. Mini Beyonce would go perfectly with my 3 foot tall bobble head metal chicken (seriously, his name is Frank and he keeps the ‘witnesses’ and other assorted sales people away from his perch by our front door)! I’d name him ‘beans’ – so I’d have Frank & Beans – but that’s already our dogs name and I’d hate for the chicken to get confused. I think we’d have to keep it simple and call him Napoleon because I’m sure he’s got ‘little chicken’ complex and wants to war on everyone he meets.

  531. I would name him Corndog. A dear friend of mine always wanted a pet Corndog, now I can fulfill her wish.

  532. Professor Allonso Cornelius

  533. Doll heads on spikes? Tiny little coffins? Holy crap, where do you live?

    Like the metallic chicken though, he is cute in a tim burton animated stop motion kind of way. Maybe call him Tinny? Or Timmy for Burton?

    alfred lives here recently posted Alfie for President 2012!.

  534. skeletor.

    Alison recently posted The Power of Suggestion.

  535. My immediate response upon seeing him was “Cocka Cola” but I see that someone already beat me to it.

    I would love to give him a home because I have a friend who desperately needs him. Back in the day she shared an apartment with her two lesbian best friends. She decided that they needed more “cock up in this place” and bought them a concrete rooster for the balcony. Sadly he didn’t survive one particularly frigid Illinois winter. (Frigid because he was living with 2 lesbians or the actual weather got cold I’m not sure.) She no longer lives with Ellen & Portia (not their real names) but I know if I were to present her with a legitimate “Bloggess” metal cock she’d die a happy woman.

    Seeing as Cocka Cola is already taken, I’m going with “Fantasia”.

  536. Victor.

  537. 537
    Abby Friedman

    Mortimer. Mortimer Q. Chicken.

  538. I would name him LaRue.

  539. Kikiriki

  540. Shirley Temple.

    Angela recently posted Laundry Day.

  541. With all the slightly worn & dated style of a drunken housewife in the 50’s (or perhaps out of American Horror Story) that rusty metal chicken’s name is obviously Coco Chanel.

  542. Shabazz

  543. Well, if Beyonce Junior was a flamingo, I’d name it Placido Flamingo. But it isn’t, and I already have a Placido flamingo (who was, incidentally, rescued from a flock of Beyonces in Saint Paul, MN). Junior looks like a lippy chick, so I’ll call him Shaniqua.

  544. I’d have to go with Horatio von Lieberstein.

  545. It’s a B.J., of course…Beyonce, Jr. What were you thinking?

  546. My son had a hamster we called Bob Barker. He died this week so I would pass the name on to the chicken!

  547. I’d name him Bartlebee. I pretty much need that baby beyonce. My husband would LOVE it. Well, I assume.

  548. Wow, I was just having an argument with my husband yesterday about towels, I want new giant fluffy ones, but we have plenty of tiny barely used ones we got for our wedding.

  549. Since I was unsuccessful this weekend at convincing my husband to adopt a homeless Coon-Hound named Floyd Patterson, I would name him after old Floyd. Or Salma Hayeck, because my husband loves her boobs, so win win.

  550. Clearly, her name would be Zoe, in honor of her Swedish heritage.

  551. He strikes me as a “Hector.”

  552. Mini Cola Cola Beyonce is pretty damn sweet. I’d guess you could name it something like Polar Bear or Santa or Horrifying Turn of the Century Children.

  553. I’d name the chicken what Prince renamed himself in the 90s. I’d write it here, but my keyboard doesn’t have the symbol.

  554. That is Chester Alan Arthur, just like the guy who went from V.P. to president, after Garfield died. The original Chester Arthur was kind of a tool, except that he started corresponding with some lady, who convinced him that he had it in him to be a really awesome guy and an amazing president. I don’t think his presidency ended up being amazing, but he was at least competent, even though everyone was expecting him to be a total failure. When he was VP, he was a kind of spy for the party bosses, who had selected him for vice president when James Garfield refused to be their Patsy. Thus ends the history lesson for today.

    unmitigated me recently posted Today's Task.

  555. I’d name him Rue. Like from the Hunger Games. He looks like he could out live a bunch of 11-18 year olds trying to kill each other

  556. Arnold Schwartzen-egger

  557. William Howard Taft. I would take him to happy hour every week with me and send you pictures.

  558. 558
    Ashley Sullivan


  559. I would name him ‘Jay Z’. He is smaller than Beyonce, and we all know that Beyonce is a bigger super star than Jay-Z.

  560. I would name him Victor and drive my husband insane with it!

  561. If she were not a metal chicken, but a metal rooster, he would be Sir Clucks A Lot. Since she is without the gobble thingy, she is a she and as Beyonce’s younger and more refined sister, she would be Adele.

  562. Did you know that Rutherford B. Hayes is on the dollar coin?

  563. I first wanted to name him Eduardo…but I’m changing it to Antonio Banderas. “Hello, my name is Antonio and I am a not too big, not too small, but just right cock.”

  564. That chicken looks like a Caligula to me.

  565. 565
    Krystine McCants

    I would name him Napoleon, and he would sit in my dining room and stare at my son, and then my son wouldn’t spend three hours eating breakfast when I’m trying to get everyone ready for school!

  566. We have a history of naming animals after food in our house, so I’d have to go with “Confit.”

    And I’ll just add that my 10th anniversary is coming up, and I see no reason why ten years couldn’t be small metal chickens.

  567. Love, the blog, first time posting. I would name him El Pollo Diablo (Giant Devil Chicken from the Monkey Island games) because god knows there aren’t enough Spanish devil chickens running around this world.

  568. Phil McCracken

  569. 1. Terrence Jimbob Smith
    2. My husband collects coca-cola stuff and this is the most awesomest thing I’ve ever seen with Coca-Cola on it.
    3. That is all 🙂

  570. I’d name the chicken Colonel Yahouda Q. Fishkind III, Esq.

  571. Michael Joseph Patrick Alouicious O’Romeo O’Rooney.

    Because we’ve never had any sons.

    Liz the Insane recently posted First test post.

  572. 572
    Jon Nicholson

    Angela Lansbury.

  573. 573
    christy morrison

    Two things:
    1 my five year old says he would name her “sodas” but clearly she is a “Charlotte” which is the name of my non-existant girl child.
    2 WHAT ARE THOSE HEADLIKE THINGS IN THE BACKGROUND??? I have a thing for heads on walls.

  574. I would name him Dinky Bossetti.

  575. Chuck O’Grady. And I would spend too much time trying to get a picture of Chuck on my porch with the seagulls that sometimes hang out there.

  576. 576
    Doublebar A

    “Cocky”, a short rooster with a whole lotta ‘tude. Take a look at that smirk. Did he just swagger a little bit?

  577. Cocka-Cola of course!

  578. I would name the chicken Marlon Brando. Just seems right to me. I don’t have an actual justification or logical explanation for Marlon Brando, I just think it would be awesome to tell people my chicken’s name is Marlon Brando and then have them give me that look. And then I don’t give them any explanation I just hand them some canapes. If I made canapes.

  579. I would love to have him, and I would name him Beaureguard. Idk why, it just popped in my head, lol. He LOOKS like a Beaureguard, doesn’t he?!? Pick me, pick me, lol. Glad you’re still with us Jenny. I love your blog!

    Julie Nemitz recently posted Thank you.

  580. 580
    elizabeth howell

    Fantastic Mrs. Pickles ! But she goes by her stage name of Lana Turner.

  581. Pepper, as in Dr. Pepper because you know down in Texas they call all sodas “coke” (which he’s wearing) but everyone drinks Dr. Pepper. And also because he looks like he still has a little spice in him and could take someone’s eye out if provoked.

  582. The name Sir Arthur Pennybottom just struck me. He’d go well with my stuffed baby chicken Lord Ferdinand III

  583. 583
    Doublebar A

    Size matters.

  584. Hmm I’m thinking Kitty.

  585. Franklin. Franklin Von Ruester.

    Karen recently posted Things (people, places) I love in 400 words….

  586. It is a tough call. I’m currently debating between Solange + Kelly Rowland. They are both a lot like Beyonce, but will never quite be her.

    Megan recently posted Photo Friday: Oia, Santorini.

  587. 587
    Kathy Maroney

    Harold Tipton. He seems to be held upright by a barbecue fork. And he just looks like a Harold.

  588. OMG! You have the best adventures and find the coolest things!! My hubby gets away with not letting me buy weird things by giving me a set amount of money when we go places I might find weird and cool things. I might have to talk to him about that. I don’t know if you’ve chosen yet, but I’d name the chicken Steven, with a v not a ph because that’s how I roll. 🙂

  589. Seamus. Because he looks a bit Irish to me! 🙂

  590. I already have a Gwenyth so Gavin Crowsdale, of course!!

    Gin recently posted Say That Again....

  591. Mr. Belvedere. Clearly.

  592. Holy crap! The scene with dead duckie vampire hunter is AWESOME! I bow to your genius. Cool as all get out 🙂

  593. I would LOVE to have this guy at my house!!!! And the first that comes to mind is simply, Victor. Because any time I hear that name, I think of your poor hubby and the delightful Beyonce.

  594. Henrietta James – but maybe it’s too soon.

  595. Reginald Windpipe IV in honor of the traveling dollar-store rooster my cat decided to murder. Although I think this one would be much more difficult to get through airport security…

  596. Love your blog! Can’t wait to get your book! Beyonce Jr would sit proudly on my desk at work as a reminder to all to Pick Your Battles!

  597. I would name him Stormaggeden Dark Lord Of All!!!

  598. I’d name him/her after his/her parents…Jictor…or Venny

    Kate @ Fit for Real Life recently posted Why aren’t you cooking more of your food?.

  599. that chicken would go in my front flowerbed. next to our Aggie gnome.

    The ckicken would have to be named blue ivy. 😉

  600. Shakira. Obviously.

  601. His name is Rusty, obviously.

    Megan M. recently posted Top 10 Authors I Wish Would Write Another Book.

  602. Blue Tail Doesn’t-Fly.

  603. 603
    Rhiannon Koman

    I’m thinking something along the lines of….Chicki Minaj….

  604. With Ferris Mewler in the picture? His name MUST be (Ferris Buehler’s Day Off reference coming): Cameron Crowe!

    OK, I know he’s a rooster and not a crow, but, whatever!

  605. Cockles McGee

  606. I would name him Polyphagus. Read this to find out why: http://bit.ly/ymXMh4 (links to The Ten Thousand: A Novel of Ancient Greece, By Michael Curtis Ford, on Google Books)

  607. I shall name him Sir Chauncey of Carvington the Third!

  608. And you totally made it up to us. You’re the funnest.

  609. So yesterday I was directed to your blog …And I read about the towels and the chicken and how your husband loves you for your logic, which clearly comes from the other side of the brain as his own logic…and I was like “you’re my hero..”. But then I couldn’t decide if Victor was my hero or you…so I decided it was a draw. Anyway – then you posted about this new mini chicken and I thought – I gotta get me some of that…and then I thought about what would my husband say (or not say) when the UPS guy showed up with a big brown box and we pulled out the bubble wrap and here was our new fireplace ornament/pet (since allergies prevent us from any real pets) and wondered where could I get a nanny-cam for that occasion…….and thought – “would he appreciate me the way Victor appreciates you?”. But then I thought …I’m a renaissance woman like all the rest, master of nothing but good at a lot…and I thought I could use this mascot as a reminder of my renaissance-ness….and to personify that…..I’d name him (I don’t think it’s a her or it’d be made from diet coke cans) CARAVAGGIO – because I wouldn’t want him to be confused witha ninja turtle.

  610. Cluckminster Fuller.
    He would sit on our mantle next to our 4.5 ft aerial bomb (used for testing purposes only) that my other half picked up at an auction last summer.

  611. I would name him Victor, because Victor is my favorite in your stories–he is your perfect foil!

  612. I’d name him Jesus (read: Jesus or hey-zuse).

  613. I see Blue Ivy is already taken, so I’d have to go with Bernice.

  614. 614

    His name would be Lord James Bertram Pennyfeather, III… and I’d call him “Bertie.”

  615. Atlanta Forquew


    sybil ann recently posted Thrown with Shaner White.

  616. Obviously. Captain Cock. My Husband would think I’m referring to Star Trek in an offhand way, and um… hello. It’s a metal rooster.

    SUPAHMAMA recently posted Vintage Supahmama.

  617. 617

    Tattered Remnants of Danger Snacks, or Danger Snacks if you will.

  618. I would name him Lance Girly.
    And you know what? He can live right on my dining room table.
    And we will start a folk band.
    And he will play the auto-harp.
    But I will sing.

  619. I first started following TheBlogess when big metal chicken first arrived. I thought it was hilarious. I would call this new metal chicken Destiny, because it is destined to haunt any and all husbands. And I would make it a towel rack for those cute little hand towels that you are not suppose to use.

  620. Dexter….he’s a Dexter

  621. Ok, first of all, I NEED more info on the Naked Midget book. Please. And second, I think it’s quite obvious that his name is Alice Cooper.

  622. First, I have to say how much I love the fact that you named your cat Ferris Mewler. As for mini Beyonce, I would name him Clarence Solange Von Cluckmeister. Although I think that just screams out the need for an eyepatch and a bowler hat.

  623. Siegfried of course. It’s distinguished- just like giant metal chickens.

  624. 624
    Heather Herriage

    I would name him Cuckoo Cola. I mean, what’s better than a crazy metal chicken that isn’t even afraid of cats???

  625. I would totally name that metal chicken Jay-Z. That way when people come to visit me and the giant metal chicken that is sitting on my dining room table, I can tell them of his music industry prowess and roll my eyes at them when they question why he is living in anti-tropical Nova Scotia instead of living it up in Cali. He is obviously on a mission to discover a deeper meaning for himself and his life. Beyonce is a warm climate and he is suffering for his art in the freezing east coast.

  626. I’d name him Captain Shitsnacks because I really love that you use that word and I feel like I need an excuse to remember it and use it more often.

  627. Shit it’s obvious!
    Chaps McQueen.
    Also any insomnia I may or may not have suffered from has now been aggravated by the visual of baby heads on chains. Spikes I can handle.
    We all have our thresholds.

    Kat recently posted Chores and how we get to pull rank on our kids.

  628. In keeping with the presidential names (and also because I’m a sucker for puns), he’d have to be James K. Yolk.

    Katherine recently posted I guess technically I'm just dragging the pain out even longer when I procrastinate.

  629. I don’t care if she’s a dude. She’s clearly a Lenore.

  630. Frances Cookaramus… or more commonly known as “Frankie the Chick”…. at least, that’s what he calls himself. I tried explaining that you can’t give YOURSELF nicknames, but he’s still trying. Oh well…

    Bri recently posted Exert From Common Street Secret.

  631. Pete. His name is just Pete. (Well, his full name is ‘Just Pete’, but I’d call him just ‘Pete’.) Obviously.

  632. I’d totally name him Victor.

  633. I would name him Hubert Cockswaggle McPurple….

  634. Well of course I would name it Blue after beyonces baby name. Especially since it is a baby Beyonce chicken.
    I just love your blog! Thanks for the morning chuckle!

  635. I would most definitely name him Madonna.

    Kayla recently posted Why I Will Never Have Snooki's Tan.

  636. With Blue Ivy Carter being too obvious, I vote for Destiny’s (rejected) Child. I would never say the rejected part out loud, though. I have respect for the feelings of metal chickens. (which is exactly why I should have her)

  637. I would let my daughter name him. She’s two. When I asked her what she would name the chicken, she laughed maniacally and said “chicken name.” So, he would be Chicken Name.

  638. Sir Hennesey II… Definitely.

    Nat recently posted More piratey stuff.

  639. 639

    I would name him Alice B Toklas, because my first thought was Gertrude Stein and from there it got to Dick Stein, because a cock is a cock is a cock, and from there it was a quick step to Alice B Toklas. He can live with my full-sized metal girl goat, Floyd.

  640. I would name it Roger. And he would live in my home office unless he was busy sneaking up on my husband in his.

  641. This roo