Not all guesses are equal

Victor: Why didn’t Ash come to our house when she was in town?

me:  Your guess is as good as mine.

Victor:  Because she hates you?

me:  Why are your guesses always so insulting?

Victor:  You said my guess was as good as yours.

me:  Well, I was wrong.

Victor: Maybe she was on her way over when she ran over a bunch of violent dwarves and had to find some hungry bears to help her dispose of the bodies.

me:  Okay…that guess was a little better than mine.


And now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by The Hairbow Company, who makes kick-ass bows, headbands and flower clips for girls of all ages.  Plus, use “bloggess10″ as a coupon code for hair bows and you’ll get 10% off.  Hairbows for everyone!


95 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You have to be careful – I heard on Fox News that a violent dwarf syndicate is plotting to take over the government!

    Happy Mother’s Day!

    LDiggitty recently posted my mother, the liar.

  2. Bears don’t eat dwarves. Dwarves taste like onions. Bears hate onions.

    Bridget recently posted Slip Ups.

  3. 3
    Hermione Snarque

    Guess not.

  4. Whenever I feel jilted becasue my friends didn’t stop and visit me, even though they were driving right by (assholes) I always assume they were on some sort of undercover spy mission and were racing to get the evidence to the FBI and couldn’t stop. It helps me sleep at night, anyway.

    Holly Folly recently posted The Retaining Wall is Done. It's Over..

  5. I think that sounds bad for the bears.

    The String Empire recently posted The String Empire's first Giveaway!.

  6. Happy Mother’s day! You and Victor crack me up!

    Bozo recently posted My Mother....

  7. Too funny! Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  8. HAPPY MOM’S DAY. Hope you are feeling better.

  9. At least they weren’t violent zombie dwarves. They are the worst!

    Queen of All Things Good recently posted What Women REALLY Want for Mother's Day.

  10. Can Siri search for “hungry bears” as a method of disposing a body? That seems like something the iphone people should have thought about.

    Jillian recently posted A Woman Scorned.

  11. Happy Mother’s Day…just look at your girl, and know you’ve done well with her 🙂

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted An Updated Review of the Lelo Luna Beads.

  12. Those violent dwarves are to be treaded around carefully…

    Jillian recently posted Dressed, Undressed.

  13. Everyone knows that pigs are the way to go for getting rid of the evidence. Sheesh. Silly Victor. Oh yeah, I should tell you that my fiance cried when she read that post at the bottom of this comment. That doesn’t mean you will cry too, but you should, if you’ve a soul left.

    Birdman recently posted Happy Mother’s Day, Baby.

  14. Never share your drink with a violent dwarf. Just sayin’…

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted There were ten in the bed - and then things got weird..

  15. Violent dwarf rampage. So using that to get out of my next social engagement.

    John B recently posted good luck, errebody else!.

  16. Happy Mother’s Day! Happy Book Tour! My mom and I are going to get together later and talk poetry and drink wine.

    I love the t-shirt!

    Kathleen recently posted Ratatouille.

  17. Happy Mother’s Day Jenny! I am excited to see you next weekend in Gaithersburg!

    Meg recently posted Farewell May.

  18. Happy Mother’s Day! (And perhaps if you venture out today, you should make sure you’ve got a can of gnome repellent about your person…just sayin…)

    Chris Dean recently posted Crazy Must Be Genetic: A Tribute To Mom!.

  19. Those violent dwarves get me every time… I owe so much money to the bear mafia by now. If you hear about a person found drowned in porridge, that’s me. Drowning in breakfast foods is a bear mafia thing.

    Kat Rowley recently posted Mister Sandman, Bring Me A Dream.

  20. Every time I read comments on your posts, I wish for “like” buttons. Bridget, Holly Folly, and Jillian, please imagine that I’ve clicked the imaginary like buttons on your comments.

    Taryn recently posted Monsters Ate My Brain.

  21. Happy Mother’s Day! I’ve made it to page 16 in your book, which, in my situation, is not too shabby! I imagine, at this rate, I’ll finish by the time my kids start kindergarten. Have a wonderful day!

    Stephanie recently posted Debbie Downer Does Mother’s Day: A Guest Post by April Nolen.

  22. Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny! I’m thinking my husband needs the tshirt. It’s definitely his philosophy.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Mother’s Day in the Life of a Motherless/Childless Woman.

  23. The fight against violent dwarf crime in this country leaves very little time for casual visits with friends.

    Jillian recently posted A Short Post and a Song #2.

  24. COOTIE CATCHER! I was all about these back in the day. Thank goodness it comes with instructions because that was not something I carried on to my adult years unfortunately.
    And by the way, why am I the only person that has commented on the awesomeness that is the cootie catcher? Surely we can’t be the only 6th grade mentality cool people here…

    Stephanie H recently posted The Sickly Herbivore.

  25. Happy Mother’s Day, Bloggess! All of us moms should take this special day to bask in the love of our children and drink until our eyebrows fall out.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Rand Paul Is So....

  26. Happy Mother’s Day! I just finished your book and now I am sad and let down that it is over. You suck for being so awesome.

    Cindy - The Reedster Speaks recently posted WTF, Week?.

  27. Wait. You never said what your guess was. I mean, Victor’s guesses *might’ve* been as good as yours but we can’t qualitatively assess their comparative goodness without first know what we’re comparing them to. And we’d also need to define exactly what “as good as” means. Two guesses are unlikely to have exactly the same goodness value. So, maybe we define “as good as” to mean “has a goodness value within one standard deviation of the target”. So, if the range of guess goodness extends from the pretty good (e.g. she was kind of busy and maybe still a bit uncomfortable about that thing that happened last time don’t look at me like that you know which thing) to the not very good at all (e.g. she’s afraid of the laser penguins), with your guess and Victor’s two falling somewhere in the continuum between those extremes, you then need to determine if the range of guesses fits a standard bell curve and how that relates to…

    …I may be over-analyzing this a bit. I may also need a coffee. And a nap.

    Steve D recently posted Dos Cabras.

  28. I was totally just brought back to my own childhood seeing you cootie catcher! Loved those things!

    Liz D recently posted "Fifty Shades Darker" Book Review.

  29. Do bears prefer to eat dwarves, or do you think that was just her only option for disposing of the bodies?

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Happy Mother's Day!.

  30. At least she ran over violent dwarves and not peaceful ones.
    Happy Mother’s day Jenny!

    Amanda recently posted who wants a postcard?.

  31. Happy Mothers Day, Beautiful Lady! And thanks for the laughter.

    Leanne Moffat recently posted Joy: Revisited For Mothers Day.

  32. Great, now we’ll have zombie gnome infestations…:/

    DragonDon recently posted Don Teacher.

  33. Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!

  34. “attacked by violent dwarves” has replaced “washing my hair” as the excuse of the century.

    Renee recently posted Is Bandwidth singular or plural?.

  35. Happy “fruit from the lady garden” day!!

    Banana Stickers recently posted “Oh, and how does me choking on a banana remind you of a woman doing herself with a carrot?”.

  36. Hahha, I’ll add violent dwarves to my fear list. Thanks.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Boyfriend is Sad..

  37. Okay – just talked with Ash. Amazingly enough, you’re BOTH right! Well done!

    Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted The Worst Post of the Year.

  38. 38
    Ruth Chow

    Ash might be near my place. I know for a fact that those violent dwarves (and perhaps the hungry bears) are trapped in a painting over the bar at our local bowling alley. Really.
    Love Hailey’s Mother’s Day present to you… she got the year right!

  39. You were just too distracted by his shoddy first guess to formulate an awesome dwarf/bear guess is all.

    Erin recently posted Failed experiment-Ice cream out of bananas.

  40. just read the Sunday paper here in Oregon and saw your book on the hardcover bestseller list. made me smile. Happy Mothers Day!

    Andrea C. recently posted 24 hours of idiocrazy..

  41. But she could have just brought the bodies to your house to give them to the coyotes and mountain lions and other such wildlife.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep3D – “Space Emergency”.

  42. Well don’t worry. The whole Hailey committing a crime was bound to happen anyway. Only boring people ALWAYS abide by the law. Hopefully the bloody handprint was just because she was helping your friend, Ash, dispose of all the angry dwarf bodies with the bears. She probably didn’t want to come right out and tell you that she had gotten involved in the melee, so she just made you a classy, understated symbol of her newfound superhero/criminal identity. What a smart girl.

    Melanie recently posted Wild Prayer.

  43. Love your Mothers Day pillow.

    alaina recently posted Graduation Pants..

  44. Am I the only one who is thankful when someone from out of town doesn’t call me? It’s like, phew, good thing I didn’t have to entertain THEM for three days. Or else I couldn’t have re-watched the first season of Mad Men. HIGH-FIVES SELF.

    The Humor Columnist recently posted Honest Mothers Day cards.

  45. I’ll have to send some HUNGRY BEARS to directly Ash via FedEx. Just in case she couldn’t find ’em. I’m going to Yosemite today to get some. Land of Jellystone and Yogi, don’tchaknow. Does UPS accept Bear Shipments???

  46. Happy Mother’s Day!

  47. I love how Victor’s guess shows that he is almost as warped and twisted as you. In a totally hilarious and best possible way. You two are so right for each other.

    Loving your book, by the way. Looking forward to stalking, um meeting you in MD.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

    Misty recently posted Won’t You Take Me To . . ..

  48. Maybe she did stop by, and just left a flaming pile of feces on your porch. You know, as a way of expressing her hatred more clearly.
    …Or does that only happen to me?
    You better go check just in case.

    Melissa recently posted A Twenty Year Old Lie.

  49. 49
    Jennifer Becker

    Happy Mother’s Day Jenny. Make sure you get lots of hugs today.

  50. I don’t know, any guess with dwarves…..

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Creativity in a Commercial World.

  51. Dear The Humor Columnist: You are not alone.

  52. QueenofAllThingsGood: Really? I thought vampire dwarves were the worst. Or is it vampire orcs? Hmm.

    Happy day to everyone! If you’ve mothered an idea, a friend, a child, a pet, a project, a loved one or your parents, I wish you a very happy day!

  53. I feel like I should mention at this juncture that not all dwarfs are violent. Some of them are happy or dopey or sleepy too.

    nat recently posted Milkshakes and Mallards.

  54. I’m sure the sponsored bows are great (they do look adorable). But if youre into buying that type of thing and want to make a charitable donation at the same time, check out Lindsey’s Brainbows. They’re made by a young girl who survived an AVM and is making them to raise funds for awareness of AVM’s and brain aneurysms. Amazing girl doing amazing things!

  55. If the dwarves were violent, they may have been rabid, in which case a bear who ate them is probably also now rabid. So. Lock your doors.

    When I Blink recently posted We Got Your Danger, Stranger.

  56. My guesses often involve hungry bears. Happy Mother’s Day to you!

    "Susab Says..." recently posted Mothers and Trees.

  57. It could be worse. It could have been Care-Dwarfs. They are kinda creepy with all their talk of free love and turnips.

  58. Yes, what WAS your guess? No pressure.

    Kristen Mae recently posted Ode to an 'Ordinary' Mother.

  59. Holy Shit Balls you are funny! I just finished reading your book and I can’t tell you how many times I snorted and laughed until I wept. Your next one should be titled “don’t get above your raising” and focus on the awesome family that you are uniquely blessed with. I, too, am blessed with a uniquely awesome family as well. There is hope for the rest of us!

    i totally want a life size beyonce in my backyard

    much love,

  60. “Because she hates you” would more often than not be the correct guess if someone were talking about me.

    Rob R recently posted I Live in North Carolina and I’m Sort Of Not Ashamed to Admit It.

  61. Hungry bears are always so accommodating. Almost as good as hungry pigs.

    Jen recently posted Texas Justice? Man machetes his neighbor's dog..

  62. …did Victor just realize some inner bloggess?

  63. I’m the luckiest mom out there! I got a copy of your book this morning! Can’t wait to dig in.
    Thanks for everything and Happy Mother’s Day!

    Jenni Strader recently posted Thank You Card.

  64. 64
    It's cold in WI

    Please, puh-LEEZE, publish a book entitled Conversations with Victor. I pee every time.

  65. Victor is becoming very creative!

    Crack You Whip recently posted Pajama Pants Day.

  66. Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny! I sent my Mom a copy of your book for Mother’s Day. It’s the first time I’ve been able to send her something for Mother’s Day for a few years so she was very surprised and reports that she is enjoying reading it so far.

    I moved 1000 miles from everyone I knew about 3 years ago. I can only guess that no one ever comes to visit me because they are afraid of the bears, foxen, scorpions and vultures we have here in Texas. Or maybe they’ve TRIED to visit and have all been eaten. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it. Good thing I have you and Victor to make sense of things for me!

    MsDarkstar recently posted Meeting Jenny Lawson.

  67. 67

    Dear Ms Bloggess: ( I didn’t know how to reach you other than posting in the comment section – I am sorry, and I hope you see this!)

    My name is April Mixon and I have been a fan of yours for quite some time. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and you have inspired me to give back on several occasions. I find your compassion to be inspiring. I was part of the Project night night group last Christmas – I bought several for my family, in honor of my niece who was born in November. And, your famous red dress post – it’s been something that I have been striving for – for about a year. My red dress isn’t a dress (I look awful in dresses!)- instead, it’s a marathon. I am going to run a marathon Miss Jenny – for charity – that’s my red dress. And I was hoping for your help. I know that you are a huge animal lover, and as such, I was hoping you would support me as I attempt to run a marathon for charity.

    I am signed up to run in the Vancouver, USA Marathon in June – 26.2 miles is on the docket – and that’s a long way. I never thought that I could ever run/jog/walk that far – but over the past year I have taken up running in events in Vancouver and Portland. One of the reasons that I took up running was for exercise, and I feel wonderful about the cause I am supporting!

    My first event was the Shamrock Run of 2011. I had so much fun being part of something – and ultimately contributing to an organization in need. I came home and immediately signed up for more runs – always knowing that they benefited a cause. But as the races got longer – my resolve waned. How could I ever run 13.1 miles in a half-marathon?! I needed my “own” cause – I needed a reason to put one foot in front of the other – a reason to keep going.

    That reason resulted in my partnership with the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation – “Compassion Revolution”. I have continued my work for them, supporting them, running with their t-shirt – getting the word out there to support animal rescue organizations near and far. The Heigl Foundation was started by Katherine Heigl in memory of her brother – and is based in LA.

    This June, I will run the Vancouver Marathon for Charity. I would be honored if you would find it in your heart to donate to this cause, which will be used to save animals from shelters, to help the organization reach out to animal owners in need of low cost or free spay/neutering. Or even if you simply want to say “go get em”, or tweet/share the link, that would be wonderful.

    I have been running for the past year – it’s all been building up to this moment – the marathon.

    If you are interested or able to help – here is the donation page.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. You have inspired me – to pay it forward – to do what I can to help others, in this case, animals, in need. Thank you and I hope you will consider donating to my cause.


  68. First time on Pinterest, because I wanted to see what you’ve pinned. Now I just want to join up and summarily re-pin nearly everything on your page.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

    Genevieve recently posted SAG-AFTRA, ONE UNION!.

  69. 69
    E M Foster

    Happy Mother’s Day Jenny!! I hope you had a great day!! I made my own breakfast, but after that the day got better. My wine fridge has been up and running for over a week. I’ve only managed to finish two bottles of wine, but I’m working on that! I got to spend the day with my family at a ren faire and we had a really great time! 🙂

  70. This is sort-of related as it’s a Mother’s Day recipe page. The lady in the French Toast video totally sounds like you.

  71. May Day! May Day! Broken Zazzle link!

    Susan recently posted Math Doubles Plus Fun Time.

  72. You’re starting to infect Victor’s brain. Resistance is futile.

    Cathy recently posted A Very Shiny Mother’s Day.

  73. LOL. You fixed the link. Love the shirt!!

    Susan recently posted Math Doubles Plus Fun Time.

  74. Here is a capybara singing in the Big Apple Circus. He also drives a car. The minute I saw him I thought of you. Happy Mother’s Day!

    River Vox recently posted Happy Mother's Day From Brave's Baby Merida [VIDEO].

  75. Happy Mother’s Day, gorgeous!

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted If Mother’s Day Cards Were Real.

  76. I think you’re starting to rub off on Victor.

    Pish Posh recently posted Week 10 of the Get Fit! Challenge: the Bowels of My Society.

  77. So — I guess I’m the only one who misread “cootie catcher” as “coochie catcher”?

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Beyond “Highlight”: Paying for Promotion on Facebook.

  78. This was absolutely hilarious “Why are your guesses always so insulting?!”

    I am an avid runner and a Master’s Student in Nutrition- I also have a fitness/nutrition blog and am inviting mothers to comment on the “Healthy Moms, Healthy Kids” post in honor of Mother’s day! I’d love to hear what lessons your mother or other special lady in your life taught you about health and happiness!

    As always, thanks for what you do- you’re awesome at it! Happy mother’s day, doll!

  79. This is one of those sayings that should just go away. They are never right

  80. I hope you had a fantastic Mother’s Day!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Yikes or What Happens if Mel Gibson Worked as a Telemarketer.

  81. I received a Mother’s Day portrait from my 5 year old. Carefully drawn. Of me. Accurate down to the moles and pms blemishes.

    Jessica G recently posted I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

  82. Guess what I got for Mother’s Day?

    My Gramma died (in a hospice-like setting) at my mom’s house.
    It was, and is, so sad.

    Mother’s Day will forever be a reminder of her painful death. And Saturday I blogged about having a shitty day because I brewed coffee without a filter.

    Christ, that put things into perspective pretty damn fast.


    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted You know your day is going to suck when....

  83. Victor is my hero!

    Carl Bartlett recently posted Facebook Marketing Fail - A mini case study.

  84. Random, but I just had to tell you: My mother and I are in Jenks, OK on our way to Louisiana.

    And they have a fleet of Beyoncés.

  85. I can understand the dwarves, and the bears, and the body disposal, but why were the dwarves violent? Did that give Ash a reason to run them over, thus completing the story, or was it just a random anticdote that is neither here nor there? We may never know…. BA-DA-DA-DA BA-DA-DA-DA BA-DA-DA-DA BA-DA-DA-DA

    -tHE eND

  86. I just wanted to let you know, you probably already know, USAToday did an article on your book stating it was funny, but did not translate well from blog to paper. I emailed the guy who wrote the article and told him he obviously does not have issues or he would have thourghly enjoyed your book. It was like adderal for adults with A.D.D. I could not put it down. Oh and by the way, Happy Mother’s Day! I hope you had a great day.

  87. Maybe she was helping an octopus escape from the zoo and couldn’t stop because she had to get it into water as soon as possible.

    Maybe a time travelling version of herself from the future stopped her because in an alternate time-line her visiting you was the beginning of The End.

    There are so many possibilities…

    Caryn recently posted Khakheperresenb’s Complaint.

  88. I have only recently found you and am in love. However I don’t really appreciate you bringing up this whole violent dwarf situation, I mean seriously, life is challenging enough. At the same time, I’m fortunate to live in an area with enough bears, one recently tried to get through my front door, so if I run into violent dwarves that I need to get rid of, well, I guess I’m all set. Maybe I should thank you . . .

  89. Happy mothers day, hope you´re feeling better, love you guys, you crack me up everytime!!

  90. I first read this as violet dwarves. I assumed they tasted like grape.

    Brigid recently posted The Only Charitable Giving Guide You Need This Holiday.

  91. The Nothing to Fear post that you linked to was nothing short of GREAT. Great writing–like you, I wish I had written it too! 🙂 Thanks for turning me on to this blogger.

    And thanks for your daily dose of much-needed humor.

  92. Happy mother’s Day blogess!!

    Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted Repainting your life.

  93. Jenny – I had to tell you immediately as soon as I found out that our GOVERNMENT has created a zombie apocalypse emergency preparedness plan. I am not joking.
    This is why you should love Canada.

  94. The purpose of spiritual gifts is to build up the church. Some spiritual gifts are solely for the benefit of believers while others also benefit unbelievers. God’s followers should work together with their spiritual gifts as a body to build up the church

    Laura recently posted Bilder an einer Ausstellung.

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