Conversation I had with Victor:
me: I wish I had enough money to buy a pony.
Victor: You’re not responsible enough take care of a pony.
me: That’s the beauty of this pony. IT’S ALREADY DEAD.
Victor: That’s sick.
me: It’s not “sick”. It’s dead. It’s way past sick. Plus, think of all the money we don’t have to spend on feeding a pony. We’ll make a mint just saving on pony food.
Victor: We already don’t feed a pony.
me: But this would be a solid reminder of that. It would be a perspective pony and every time we looked at it we’d think, “God, it would so expensive not to have a dead pony.” Also, my favorite part of this ad is the part that says “Have one to sell? Sell it yourself!” As if there were tons of dead ponies for sell all over the place.
me: We’d name it “Pony Danza”. Everyone on twitter is on board.
Victor: EVERYONE ON TWITTER DOESN’T LIVE IN OUR HOUSE.
me: Well, they’d all want to if there were ponies here. And the pony is estimated at over 100 years old so technically it’s an “antique”. Those things only go up in value. Plus, I could sing “Hold me closer, Pony Danza” to him late at night.
me: I also need an ethically stuffed monkey to ride it. Admittedly, this is getting expensive.
Victor: And stupid. You’re not getting a pony.
me: Oh my God, you sound just like my father.
Victor: WHAT THE FUCK WOULD WE DO WITH A DEAD PONY?
me: We could leave it on the porch to guard packages the mailman leaves. Or I could post ads on it and it could be my new mascot. And then when I get tired of it I could mail it to my sister since I promised Gabi (my neice) a pony when I was drunk. Remember that time she put that dead raccoon on my dad while he was sleeping? WE ALL OWE HER FOR THAT.
Victor: YOU CAN’T HAVE A PONY.
me: *sigh* So I’m just beating a dead horse then?
Victor: God. That was awful. Please tell me this whole thing was just a set up so you could use that terrible joke.
me: Not a chance. I really want this pony. We can put him on casters and rent him out at children’s parties. We’ll make back our money by the end of the summer. BEST DEAD PONY INVESTMENT EVER. Plus the internet thinks we could nickname him “Al Capony” or” Pony Soprano”. THIS PONY IS RIFE WITH COMEDY GOLD.
Then Victor left, mumbling something about not feeling safe in his own house and I went and checked my email to see if anyone wanted to buy some pony advertising and I noticed that Victor had strategically drained my paypal account only moments earlier. Ow, Victor. Just…ow.
PS. This is what the ad would look like.
Except it wouldn’t be for coke because they’re a bit too conservative to advertise on dead ponies. I need someone willing to take a chance. Someone with the marketing genius to try something new. Someone willing to lose $700.
I also need someone willing to buy a dead pony once I get bored with it because I have a feeling that this is an impulse pony that I’d probably regret buying a few weeks after he arrived. Impulse ponies are always like that.
You guys, we have our first advertiser, Filing Jointly, who is willing to pony up (yeah, I went there) the cash for half of the pony. Now I just need one more advertiser and Tony Danza is mine. Until I’m outbid, that is. Then I’ll just cry a lot.
UPDATED AGAIN: TONY DANZA IS MINE. Or at least, he is if no one else bids against me. The wonderful people at Camp Mighty (slogan:Making dreams come true) came through for the first half of the horse because even fucked up dreams need to come true sometimes.
UPDATED X3: PMS Comics really wanted in but the pony was already paid for so instead they’re pitching in for the inevitable unicorn horn and stuffed monkey-rider. THIS WILL BE THE MOST BADASS DEAD PONY EVER.
Updated X 4: Epiphanie Bags (which I love and own two of myself) is considering this pony a stable investment. You should buy their bags.
UPDATED X 5: Kimberly Santini at Turtledove Designs is so awesome that she not only bought a pony ad, but she even made a landing page for it:
Updated X 7: And we have another advertiser that believes in the power of dead ponies! A special thank you to Belethil Jewelry who specializes in jeweled elf ears:
UPDATED X 8: Cowgirl Red (Artist and Goddess of the Plains) is in for a pony ad as well. My God, I love you people.
Updated X 9: My friend from I’ve been there, Claire is in as well as she’s celebrating her novel!
UPDATED X 10: There are few things more heartbreaking to read than “You have just been outbid on that dead pony that you REALLY needed.” Unless it’s “You just got outbid again, you stupid bitch.” I got both of those last night. I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the gist. The really disappointing thing is that I suspect Victor is one of the people outbidding me just so that he can tell the seller to keep Pony Danza away from me. Even Wil Wheaton understands my need for this pony, Victor. I realize I’m beating a dead horse here and I promise that very soon I will change the subject to something quite magical, but until then, pony ads are still open at $350 a pop. IT’S TOTALLY WORTH IT. Probably. And if I get outbid again I promise to use that money to buy something equally ridiculous, entertaining and furiously baffling.
442 thoughts on “UPDATED X 10! I NEED a pony.”
Read comments below or add one.
So…are you kicking the dead pony or buying it?
How much do I love Will Wheaton’s tweet to you?! You should tell hubby, even Will Wheaton wants me to get it!
If I didn’t already adore you, the words “Impulse ponies” would have done it.
What a beautiful specimen! You should start bugging him for a /real/ pony and he might say yes to this one!
Pony Danza belongs in The Bloggess household…thus sayeth Twitterville!
You can save all that money if you go with My Little Pony. They don’t have to eat either. Plus you get to brush their rainbow hair.
I may or may not have splurted water when I read “Al Capony”. If taxidermy didn’t freak me out soooo badly, I would totally support your bid to purchase Pony Danza.
I can’t see a dead horse without thinking about Phar Lap the Australian race horse whose skin is in the Melbourne Museum and his heart is in Sydney and I think something else is in New Zealand.
They really love that horse.
I have a book that starts with someone waking up with a severed head and I would be proud to advertise on your pony.
Someone should pony up for this
How about Pony Orlando? The ethically-stuffed monkey can be named Dawn.
I think that you really need this pony. Its uses are versatile and multi-faceted and it would be a crime not to have it!
If I was not insanely poor, this is the sort of thing I’d invest in. Maybe that’s why I’m insanely poor.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is hysterical beyond words. In addition to no food, just think of all the pony shit you WOULDN’T HAVE TO PICK UP! Another save right there 🙂
I’m not sure you can just go around tacking signs to dead ponies like that. Maybe you should get a dry erase board instead. Or… a chalkboard, like the fancy restaurants have. You could even rent the dead pony to the fancy restaurants for their fancy chalkboard menus when he isn’t doing the children’s parties. This is a double win. I should be in charge of marketing somewhere.
I’m so on Victor’s side on this.
Oh. Migawds. You’re already looking for a buyer for your dead pony?!? For once – and I *truly* am shocked to day this – I honestly think you don’t deserve this dead animal and I generally think you are a *paragon* of dead animal ownership!
Dead ponies aren’t just for Christmas, you know. They’re for LIFE.
I’m sadly tsk-tsking your way…
Why are there no bids on that yet? There should be a huge bidding war….or not. He clearly belongs in the Bloggess household.
God girl… I need a friend like you…
No seriously. Half a pony. I will buy you half a pony if you post about me in your weekly wrap-up. Um…I know there’s an email exchange somewhere…
I now need to invent an Italian soft-cheese company with advertising money to burn so we can use him for our “Mascarpony” campaign.
That’s why you need the ethically stuffed monkey. To stave off the regret. How does Victor not get this?
Thanks for the hat tip!
I watched this unfold on Twitter. I saw one on American Pickers. I totally get it man.
you could start a music fest in the hill country and call it “pony-palooza” and only hire musicians willing to bring their own stuffed pets or at least a following who would appreciate the cause. it would pay for itself.
I’m pretty sure that “Hold me closer Pony Danza” almost killed me. Literally. Choked on my water.
Wow. I really almost want to risk $700 right now. It’s the cost of shipping that gets you… who knew dead ponies cost so much to ship? Do you think it’s cause you can’t send them pony express?
Oh. Migawds. You’re already looking for a new owner for your dead pony?!? For once – and I am truly shocked to be saying this! – I don’t think you deserve this dead pony…and I usually uphold you up as a *paragon* of responsible dead animal ownership!
Dead ponies aren’t just for Christmas, you know. They’re FOR LIFE.
I am sadly tsk-tsking at you…
Red Bull. Then you could add wings to it and get a dead pony disguised as a pegasus.
ewwww — that’s just too far. Getting into dead stuff cat territory.
Part of me wishes this was all a joke. The rest of me is glad it’s not.
Stay random, my friends. 😀
My boyfriend is currently singing “Hold Me Closer Pony Danza” and offering to send you cash. He now wants to build the structure for you to roll him around on casters. He says, “Victor is hanging out with comedy gold,” and he should, “buy this bitch her pony. Nut up, get that pony.”
I hesitate telling you all of this, because if things go south with Victor, I think you might steal my man or he might run off with you, but really he doesn’t do Texas or scary movies, so I think we’re all safe here, and Victor should just buy you a dead pony. Seriously, I had real one, and he was an asshole. Had he been dead, I probably would have liked him a lot more.
You are a New York Times Bestselling Author.
You can have a pony if you want one.
YOU COULD HAVE A BEDAZZLED SADDLE!!!
It really is fun for the whole family!!! Hunter S Thomcat would even throw a wee little hat on and ride him. And who doesn’t want THAT on a card!?!
THE DEAD PONY JUST PAID FOR ITSELF.
You’re welcome, Victor.
Pony Danza almost made me pee my pants. Seriously. If I had the money, I’d buy it for you. Can’t you set up like a donation thing online and we can all pitch in, then we’d all own a piece of Pony Danza and can ship him around to all his respective homes? Pony will be the most epic lesson on sharing.
I think you need to open a shop and call it Dead Animals. Oh wait…there IS Beyonce. Maybe…Dead and Metal Animals. And Birds. Also, I thought you said you needed an ETHNICALLY stuffed monkey, and that puzzled me as I couldn’t understand why a monkey stuffed by someone ETHNIC would be better. Or maybe you wanted it stuffed WITH ethnic people? Then I realized that a) everyone is SOME kind of ethnic so, technically, all animals are ETHNICALLY stuffed, and b) I needed to take out an “n”, so it really didn’t matter worth a shit whether it was stuffed by an ethnic person or a robot. Also, if you open the store, you could BUY the pony and it would be a business expense, and you could sell all the other animals that you DON’T want, and keep the pony with a big NOT FOR SALE sign on it. Tell Victor this is a winning business plan and he really needs to get behind it or get LEFT behind. Behind a stuffed pony, that is. Which isn’t so bad because they don’t poop, because they don’t EAT, because as you’ve already told him, they’re DEAD. Really…what is he not getting here?
I can’t believe I just wasted $700 paying off my car loan when I COULD have been buying ethically taxidermied ponies. What the FUCK was I thinking?
I would totally advertise on a dead pony, but only if you go with Pony Danza, because I NEVER hear the song Tiny Dancer without hearing Pheobe singing, “Tony Danza”.
P.S. Sorry, my phone posted my comment twice. My bad. In the spirit of fairness, I hereby recall one of my tsks.
I just finished reading your book (and holy shit did I love it. it was fucking hilarious and brilliant and random) and that made this post even funnier bc I knew exactly what you meant when you mentioned the dead raccoon. you’re a genius Jenny. and everyone should be allowed to purchase an impulse pony.
You have totally sold me on the dead pony idea. My husband keeps saying that HE wants a pony. It’s driving me crazy because I know I will be the one that ends up taking care of it. The thing is he never said anything about the pony having to be alive…anyway, if you find yourself in a high stakes ebay bidding war over this pony it might be with me.
OH… if you buy this pony you must get a horn to put on his head! PLEASE? Let him be a Horny Pony Danza! For all us USCer’s out here.
My dream is to own a mini horse. I know your pain. If I had the money, I would totally buy this for you. But only if you named it “Pony Shalhoub.”
My impulse ponies are always like that. I got one at Target the other day. BIG mistake. Should have gone for the snickers. They’re not as cute though.
I MEAN, I really need a pony for my house so whenever someone tells a joke about how my dogs are as big as horses, I could say “No they aren’t! See this horse? They’re clearly smaller than this horse.”
Money, schmoney. All you need’s some kind of pon(z)y scheme to sucker–er, I mean “sweet-talk”–a bunch of people into chipping in. Tell them you’re selling shares in your pony. People will invest in anything these days.
Hm. Or maybe not. “Selling shares in your pony” kind of sounds dirty, doesn’t it?
You could also put wheels on it and offer neighborhood children rides to make some money back. So it would be like an investment.
The “knock, knock” pony tweet from Will just made my day. It *had* to have made yours.
Also…exactly how big IS this dead pony and why does the background look like a casket? Was it buried? And don’t they have dead ponies HERE in the US? I mean, we really can’t be outsourcing shit all the time. That’s why our economy is in the toilet. First its call centers in India, and now it’s dead ponies in Stockton-on-Tees, and what kind of name is THAT anyhow? I am sure we can find some people here with ponies. Most of them are probably alive and I’m not suggesting we go in all ninja style and start killing ponies, but you know, strike up some strategic friendships and then when the pony DIES, OMG THE FABULOUS BLOGGESS IS HERE TO TAKE THE PONY OFF MY HANDS. You could even tell them you are famous and then they’d probably want to just GIVE it to you for the publicity: “Do you know where our pony is now? With THE BLOGGESS.”
We have guinea pigs. When they die – assuming they’ll die before I do, which I realize is extreme hubris on my part – I’ll be happy to send their little carcasses to you. I’m not stuffing those little fuckers though. Dead animals scare me.
Terrifying and magnificent.
This may be the 2nd funniest thing I have ever read. After Beyonce of course. Brilliant!
You just made my whole day and, considering it’s 11pm EST, you just got in under the wire. I promise on the Soul of Pony Danza, if I win the lottery, I’m using all my flash money to buy you as many stuffed antique ponies from Great Britain as humanly possible … or before my husband takes away all my hypothetical lottery winnings.
Where is the buy it now button? I would totally buy you this pony.
When you get bored with it, you could do a little pony makeover: spray paint it white with just a hint of glitter, add a white horn in the middle of it’s head and POW – you’ve got yourself a unicorn.
You’re welcome or maybe I’ll just stop typing now.
Pony Danza is awesome! Victor should let you buy him!
Oh lordy, FUCK ME. Pony Danza?
Just when I start to lose sight as to why I love you nearly as much as air, you go and hit me in the face with a blinding sun storm of reality. Gads woman. The love, it hurts.
I love it! You could name it ‘Pony Montana’ and totally wear out that “Say hello to my little friend” line 🙂
Its head is too big….or its neck is too small.
I think you could do better- even in the dead pony arena. Pony…arena….get it??
Beyonce needs a sister-friend-um, whatever. Beyonce NEEDS A PONY!!!
…..and now my husband is hyperventillating with laughter. Thanks for that, he needed it.
Maybe you could contact Amanda Seyfried and see if she’s tired of her pony. I bet you could work out a deal! http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/58531764.html
Girl, I think you need to start a PONY 2012 campaign, with late night flier raids through cities and towns all over the world, and viral video and naked people shouting crazily in the streets. There is a precedent, you know.
Thanks. Now I have the fictitious song “Pony Danza” stuck in my head.
If Victor is smart, he’ll: 1) buy you that pony for your next birthday & 2) hire Tim McGraw to come sing “Hold me closer, Pony Danza” at the party. On a side note, I think you’ve permanently defiled that song for me.
OMG – Al Capony. Snort laughing. XD
Why hello, there. I heard you wanted a pony .. http://i.imgur.com/8arhD.jpg
But the real question is…How much would the shipping be?
Victor drained your paypal account? ! WTF? Where’s a Spork when you need one? Sleep with one eye open Victor! I’d totally live in your house- it’s like a petting zoo – only better.
You are a genius! I am 100% on board for Pony Danza!
Oh I can’t take it… Pony Danza. Please sing that song in the video and post it with your dead pony.
It would be a steal if it weren’t for the postage. Maybe you could get someone in the UK to get it, and find a cheaper way to ship it.
It’s only once in a lifetime you have a chance to have a pony!
I just got laid off on Friday and would love to be able to use the pony in my job search. I would take a picture of the pony and say “If you hire me, I promise I will NOT bring a pony, live or taxidermied into your office”… and while there might be a number of employers who would be thinking “well, I would certainly hope NOT”, there will be a couple who will start to wonder if, perhaps, they hire someone else they will, one day, walk in on a pony-palooza in their office with the cleaning staff thrusting a shovel at them and saying “Hey, we’re not cleaning up after that!”
Alternatively, I could promise that if I am hired, I will bring the best Marketing Pony they’ve ever seen into the office. I completely agree with @LisaGalaviz that there is a restaurant somewhere that NEEDS a pony with a chalkboard for touting their daily specials. Or maybe a car dealership could use the pony… with something about “real horsepower”… (I’ll work out the details and get back to you!)
Also, every time I hear “Tiny Dancer” now, I am going to think of Pony Danza! Well played, Jenny!
Al Capony! Perfect name!
“hold me closer, Pony Danza”! that was a welcome twist!
You *need* Pony Danza. You could buy him a saddle and then a seasonally appropriate monkey could ride him for each holiday. Think of the fun he would be!
Poor, poor Victor. Your husband will never know the joy of wanting a pony.
OMGPONIES. I have nothing intelligent to say, but that was genius.
I read the title of the post and immediately thought “AMEN SISTER!”
When I realized you were talking about a DEAD pony, I thought “NOT cool!”
The frustrating part (for both of us, I assume), is that my husband WOULD buy me a dead pony. If only to shut me up and say “I already bought you your damn pony” next time I ask for one, and to say “the dead one doesn’t cost us nearly as much as that live pony you keep asking for”.
Feel free to take my husband. I don’t want Victor in return unless he’s going to agree to buy me a live pony.
I don’t know, I think you should add to your “rusty metal sculpture” animal collection and look for a horse made out of old oil drums or whatever, to go with Beyonce.
Hahaha best name ideas ever – “CLIP CLOP MOTHERFUCKER”…gold!
I read this, and it was hilarious. And then I was reading the comments, and someone said something about a Wil Wheaton tweet, so I went and read that…and nearly died of laughter. God, the Internet is just the most fantastic thing.
I think your soundest argument comes straight from the ad itself:
“Unlike alot of collectable items, taxidermy is hand made and impossible to mass produce. It is a very specialist item that does not go in and out of fashion and the value of your taxidermy will increase with inflation.”
Screw the stock market. TAXIDERMY is the way of the financial investment future.
Partner walks into our bedroom: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Looking at Twitter. The Bloggess wants to buy a dead, taxidermied pony and …”
Partner, interrupting: “Pony?”
Me: “Yes, and”
Partner, interrupting again: “As in a horse?”
Me: “Is there another kind of pony? Anyway, in her post, she said that she told Victor that Twitterverse wants her to buy it, so I was looking up the conversation.”
Partner: “Victor is competing with Twitterverse now?”
Me: “So it would seem. See how good you have it.”
Partner: “Oh, you just buy things without running it by me first.”
Me: “Well, maybe The Bloggess will be a good influence.”
See, you’re a role model. ; )
What scares me most is that I understand this impulse. But the sensible side of me…the one that used to hang around barns with live ponies, wants to warn you that the pony might really smell. A lot. You might not be able to put him in the house…or anywhere near an open window. Pony smell is not a nice smell; the only thing worse is wet pony smell. It doesn’t smell like hay or anything like that. And I can’t imagine that stuffing the poor thing would actually get the pony smell outta the hair. But that’s just the sensible side of me.
The _other_ side thinks he’ll look great next to Beyonce with Copernicus hugging him. Especially if he died from strangles.
I don’t know why you are even considering the possibility of NOT getting Pony Danza. Especially when you consider the opportunity to chop off his taxi-ed head and leave it under the sheets for Victor to find at a later date… stop delaying the inevitable. Make the purchase.
You had me at perspective pony, and then Pony Danza was the icing on the cake.
I would so buy an ad on Pony Danza. He’s perfect for it!! And then when you are tired of him and he’s all advertising cliche (because soon everyone will be advertising on ponys), I’ll happily take him off your hands and tuck him under my Christmas tree and act all surprised on Christmas morning because Santa. Finally. Delivered. (granted, it took him so long, the damned pony died, but hey, a pony is a pony).
I think you should get the meerkat:
Sure, it’s more expensive, but it comes with a scorpion so it’s technically two for the price of one! And you could call it Meercat Stevens.
holy crap that is funny. Dead Horse. Pony Danza. Man if I didn’t just have a glass of wine, I could remember my cheesy joke of the day, it was that good. Which reminds me, not only are there dead roak kill ceratures in my dad’s freezer, something you’d “get” but there’s a dead bug on my stairs that hubby refuses to toss until he can i.d. it. i say its a cricket.
Introducing the latest Trojan mascot – more than a one trick pony.
scratch my last post, dunno how to do that though. let’s try it again Sam
holy crap that is funny. Dead Horse. Pony Danza. Man if I didn’t just have a glass of wine, I could remember my cheesy joke of the day, it was that good. Which reminds me, not only are there dead roak kill ceratures in my dad’s freezer, something you’d “get” but there’s a dead bug on my stairs that hubby refuses to toss until he can i.d. it. i say its a cricket.
OK, even for me the ultimate pet/pony lover says NO!! That thing is creepy in that it was not reconstructed well. Take a deep breath and let it GO…… Whoosh! Just creepy.
This pony is dead. Victor’s argument is invalid.
I’m sort of in awe right now because I’ve been using eBay to buy iPhone cases and gently used Alvin and the Chipmunks DVD’s. What the fuck have I been missing?!
Ps… You need a secret “money I made cause I wrote a fucking book and can spend it on whatever I want” PayPal account.
We could do a chip in through PayPal I just sent money so a dog could have its meds (’cause there is nothing worse than a crazed Corgi), why not do a chip in for a dead pony? Shoot, if everyone who comments on you post sent four dollars you’d have that pony next week. Pony up,everyone!
Ahem… you actually need 3 of them, how else can you create a tribute band called: Pony! Poni! Poné
With such epic lyrics as:
Aaahh, aaahh, aaahh
It feels good yeah / It feels good
Oh it feels good / It feels good / sure feels good to me
If the rhythm feels good to you baby
Let me hear you sing
If the rhythm feels good to you baby
Let us take you away
Words were their power.
Victor will love it…. LOVE it.
How does Victor stand on Miss Tiggywinkle? I mean, you won’t save quite as much money on dead hedgehog food s you would on dead pony food, but at least she’s dressed!
I am thinking with a little work this could be the perfect mascot for the Unicorn Success Club.
Which would make it a tax write off. It would be listed under advertisement or office supplies. Trust me. I do taxes.
So, in truth, the pony/unicorn/mascot COULD actually MAKE YOU MONEY.
Run that by the ol’ Vic-ster. And prepare to place your order, baby.
Did you see how much it costs to ship that thing? Yowza!
Sorry, I’m siding with Victor on this one!
Dead horse not walking
I needed this blog post after the day I had today! I can’t stop laughing. It is frightening to me how much I resonate with your thought process. Thank you for your life.
Technically, Pony Danza IS a horse- a Fallabella is the world’s smallest breed of horse, which is a TOTALLY different animal than a pony.
However, there are no songs about Horsey Danza, so I’m guessing you could slide by naming him Pony Danza. Or Pony Orlando. Or Pony Soprano. Or Pony the Tiger.
Wait. That last one wouldn’t work so much. Nevermind.
I can’t believe people sell stuffed ponies online…. I feel like that’s something you need to “try before you buy” … like to see if it would scare you in the middle of the night and cause you to pee your pants.
I’m going to print out Pony Danza and a picture of you and glue you on his back. Then I will put you both on my vision board because that shit works! You’re welcome. p.s. If you wake up and you’re a centaur it’s totally not my fault. I’m trying to help, goddammit!
Wow. Shocked there are no bids yet. *not really, here is where a sarcatic font would come in handy*
I’m with Victor. No. Way. Maybe if it weren’t so big. And dead.
Victor doesn’t sound like your dad because your dad would totally support buying a DEAD pony. Am I right?
But I’ll be shipping on that thing is more than the bid.
*bet* shipping. I’m not going to be shipping 😉
Oh please, it’s not like it’s their weirdest or even most expensive item! (Seriously, £1500 for a stuffed grouse? And why is a pig more expensive than a horse?) Victor should be grateful you don’t want to buy the hippo head or one of those pissed off looking foxes.
So, I’ve got major depression and have been a solid supporter of the silver ribbon movement, especially after having to attempt to explain depression to my fiance who has no clue about how it works, and it’s difficult for him to understand at all. But here’s the thing: I think we need a SUPERDORK ribbon for this level of weirdness. Because I’m weird, I teach kids who are weird, and all that is weird is glorious to me. Can we somehow get both a depression ribbon *and* a DorkFestAwesomeFace ribbon? For those of us who celebrate taxidermy ponies, spock prints on regretsy, and dressing up as creepy fairies for funzies?
Victor clearly doesn’t see the potential… when your daughter goes through her “I want a pony” phase, you can say “you’ve already got one, sweetheart” and the topic will be closed. It’ll save MONTHS in begging!
Is that pony standing in a casket? It’s fitting since it is dead after all. He could also make a cameo in Monk… “Pony Shalhoub”, the socially inadequate pony.
See, I think I have to send this to my boyfriend. He thinks it’s bad when I’ve bought 5 jackets in a week (What?! They’re all work appropriate except for maybe the green leather one, but for reals, yo, I *NEEDED* that jacket).
Also, I will be singing “Hold me closer, Pony Danza” forever now. Also, I would advertise basically anything on Al Capony. Any.Thing.
Sorry Jenny, Victor is right. Even you’re calling it an impulse pony. Pony Danza needs a loving, permanent home. Think of the pony Jenny. THINK OF THE PONY.
And you could make a mask for it … and name it Maska Pony
It just dawned on me, I read this;
“me: I wish I had enough money to buy a pony.
Victor: You’re not responsible enough take care of a pony.
me: That’s the beauty of this pony. IT’S ALREADY DEAD.”
and it made me laugh so hard I had an asthma attack and I’m in the office and do you know where my pump is, in the blood car 4 floors down …….. hate you (not really)
and do you know the other thing that popped into my head while dying of a Asthma attack I love Lucy – You and Victor could be the new Lucy and Desi !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLzZmWGc8p4 The Fur Coat sums you two up I suspect…..
You see? THIS right here? Is why I love ya. Because any time I manage to work my hubby into a froth, I pull up your page and say, “Hey! You’re not alone, buddy. And at least I’m not asking for a dead pony!”
Thank you for that! You may have saved a marriage…*grin*
The Brits ALWAYS have cooler stuff than we do…
All I could thinks was, “I wonder if Tony Danza is reading this?” Which is weird, because there were so many other more logical first thoughts to have re: your desire to buy a dead pony on Ebay. So then I thought maybe I’m the freaky one for thinking about Tony Danza instead of just thinking my usual thought, i.e. how strange you are. Then I decided I was overanalyzing and decided the best remedy was to just talk it out here in a comment.
Who’s the boss? Who’s the boss???
That freakin’ pony’s the boss!
That is all.
Dead ponies are too sad. Leave it.
shipping a dead pony is a bitch – the postage will be more than the pony. trust me on this one.
This may solve our problem with our horse-obsessed daughter…or it might send her to therapy. Still, it’s a whole lot cheaper than $650 a MONTH for boarding a horse. (But, ewwww.)
This impulse pony could actually be quite the cash cow. You could vend him out for use in various scenarios that would need only one line:
1. For use at card games (or craps, or playing jacks for money with kids);
2. For use in knee-breaking situations due to non-returnage of lent funds; and
3. For use by the world’s best bill collector.
The one line: “Pony up, motherfucker.”
This could actually turn into quite the cash non-cow. You could vend him out in the following situations, all of which use only one line:
1. For use in card games (or craps, or playing jacks with kids);
2. For use in knee-breaking situations for non-returnage of lent monies; and
3. For use by the world’s most efficient bill collector.
The one line: “Pony up, motherfucker.”
I HAVE IT! Are you ready? The center of your taxidermied animal collection could be….a carousel made out of taxidermied animals! You could totally sell tickets to that.
That’s why they always have the dead ponies by the cash register. Definitely an impulse buy. And why is it that I now want a dead pony? Is it because you’ve made it sound like so much fun? Or that I see the marketing potential? Why not let Pony Danza be the mascot for a new political party? Awesomeness!
That’s the cutest dead pony ever.
Still laughing about what my husband would say about this. He was mildly supportive of my infatuation with getting a pot bellied pig which I convinced him we could toilet train like a cat but in the end we ended up getting a dog. He’s a Standard Poodle and my twins ride him like a pony. So, maybe a poodle is good for you too!
I’d go more for Pony Manero. You still don’t have it and I’m already lmao at the future posts about it!
I’m impressed by anyone who can use the words ‘beauty’ and ‘dead’ ‘pony’ in one post. Well played.
Hold me closer, Pony Danza is one of the best things I’ve heard all day. And I’ve heard some really good things today, so you know, you have that going for you. Don’t you feel special?
You must have that pony. I think Beyonce needs a friend to help watch over your backyard. Why doesn’t Victor every understand your entirely reasonable requests? Sigh. Men, right?
I don’t think LIVING ponies even cost $700. Possibly I’ve been out of the living pony biz too long. When I was a child you could get a living horse for $700. . . of course maybe they’re counting on the “look how much money I saved since the pony isn’t alive” angle.
Really, that Pony looks pretty mangy, But, slap a horn and goat hooves on it, and you’ve got a SWEET unicorn. Probably it’s important to bring up to Victor how important a unicorn is to your continued brand recognition. . . you know, with the double unicorn success something something club thing.
You wouldn’t need to sell it after you’re done with it being “just a taxidermied pony.” You could use it as a towel rack, or something to drape your not-dirty-enough-to-wash clothes over because you can’t just hang them in the closet with the regular clean clothes again.
Think of all the money you’ll be saving on clothes/towel racks! Victor isn’t seeing the big picture. Your picture is huge and he doesn’t even know it.
(Also, that pony’s legs are weird. You’d also need to invest in a few pairs of legwarmers, so you don’t have to look at the legs and also so they stay warm.)
and at just over $300 its practically telling you “YOU MUST BUY ME!!!”
Shipping is a whole nother thing entirely
Nothing like a little “perspective pony” to brighten one’s day…you are undeniably awesome!
No, no, NO. The monkey has to ride a pig. Haven’t you seen the Youtube video???
I’m going to buy this pony RIGHT now, just so I can call him Al Caponey. And then you can adopt him from me, so it’s like you’re doing a service.
So I’m lazy, and I didn’t read all the comments before me, but what if it was a metal pony? THEN would you be allowed to get it? You know, to keep Beyonce company. I think you need a giant metal pony.
You had me at “Hold me closer Pony Danza.” And that was before I even got to “beating a dead horse.” Add my name to the multitudes who believe you need that pony.
1. I’m so bummed I missed Will Wheaton’s tweet – I’ll have to go back and look for it.
2. Pony Danza cracks me up.
3. I love all the bizarre stuff you can find on ebay… who knew you’d find a taxidermied pony…
We bought an impulse puppy once. I was two and a half months pregnant. Didn’t go really well.
i fucking love you.
i choked on my banana a little. (laughing though, so, totally worth it.
always bring a banana to a party.
You can make your money back by renting Al Capony to the mob to put in someone’s bed they are going to whack. BUT it’s a reusable antique pony head so it’s green! Even mobsters are ecologically minded these days.
You are awesome 🙂 Thank you !
That is like thinking Beyonce was an impulse buy.
The name FALABELLA is so beautiful that I am sad you are not using it. I would be willing to advertise on a dead pony. Sign me up!
Victor might like it if you called it a porny instead of a pony.. men like porn..
Tell Victor to ‘pony up’!
I think you ought to know – well, you probably know, but I’m going to complain anyway – that Facebook DOES NOT LET YOUR POSTS APPEAR ON MY FEED. I understand that Facebook feels I need to be protected from Al Jazeera and Mother Jones, and for some reason from street fashion of Beirut, Lisbon and Amsterdam, but I ask you — what’s the point of being on facebook when the very people you most want to communicate with are treated like communicable diseases?
Oh Jesus. I am crying with laughter. I think Beyonce the chicken could totally use a friend. Don’t dead ponies and metal chickens always get along on the farm?? I would have totally sprung for this pony last year at my daughter’s WAY too expensive real-life pony party. You could have saved me a fortune!
Genius. Good pony advertisement space is hard to come by these days.
And here I thought I was a genius for giving my daughter a toy pony that talks. THIS pony doesn’t say “Hi, I’m Sky Wishes” over and over and OVER again.
I definitely should have bought her a dead pony instead of a toy one. Dead ponies don’t require batteries.
When my barking mutt gets stuffed for waking the rugrats over a cat walking outside I will give you him to go with your pony.
Name suggestion – Pony Orlando. Then when you get the monkey, you can name her… Dawn. (I kill me.)
I would totally advertise on the side of your pony. I couldn’t pay like $700, but I would totally shell out $100 to pimp my jewelry with your pony. I would even make him an awesome pony-sized necklace! See, you’re practically rolling in the money that Advertising Superstar Pony Danza is bringing you!
As you yourself almost said: tonight we’ll party as if we ALL had [ethically-taxidermed antique] ponies!
If you find a dead deer, you could name them Pony Orlando and Fawn.
Oregonbird – I have that problem with some pages that I follow – I created a list that I call “Pages I don’t see”. Then when new posts appear, I get the number notification thingy that there’s new stuff for me to look upon.
Seriously, “Clip-Clop Motherfucker” is the best line I’ve heard in WEEKS. Love ya
I was thinking Hold Me Closer Pony Danza and then YOU SAID IT! It’s like we share a brain.
Good luck with the pony purchase, I can’t even kick in a handful of dead grass to feed the dead pony at present time.
Just thinking after Pony Danza has lost his sparkle, you can use him in the kitchen to rest a cook book on his back. The fur would keep the book from sliding around and well… it’s what I would do. You should watch “The Man from Snowy River” so when you are tired of him, it would still be a nod to literature to call him “Old Regret” (Another thought that JUST came to me ~ you could put a couple of baskets over him and use him for a fruit bowl – how many kids can say “I get my daily fruit from Pony Danza / Old Regret”)
I have a feeling that the Pawtographer http://www.thepawtographer.com/ will be interested in getting his logo on Pony Danza, he seems no stranger to animals in weird positions and costumes! He might even do the photo shoot himself – There sponsor found – no go get him cowgirl! 🙂
WOW, that is a lot of thought on a dead pony… I truly remarkable marketing pony though it appears.
A woman I knew made her husband keep his trophies in their frog (finished room over garage) and the back corridor leading to it. Not that I’m suggesting this, because that hallway was really fucking scary, and many of your critters are small and smartly dressed, so you wouldn’t want them stepped on.
Who the hell has had this pony before you? 100 years?! So other families have been arguing about keeping it and making bad puns for a century?!
dead, dead ponies…you’ll own one someday
dead, dead ponies…gotta drag them away
Read Victor the poem “Little Abigail and the Beautiful Pony” by Shel Silverstein and you may just get your way.
I think your assumption of a dead pony bidding war may be overly optimistic. I could be wrong but somehow I doubt it.
Although, upon second thought, HALF a pony would be infinitely more macabre and interesting.
It’s too bad he couldn’t be a spokes-pony, but he’s just a little hoarse.
I have to say that this one I am with Victor on. I know that is sacrilege and you can be mad at me, but really a taxidermied pony that will have to be shipped overseas? This is over the top even for you.
I will willingly accept my backlash now.
We need the pony, and the monkey, and we can dress the monkey like a Spanish Don and name him Mon Key-hotay (phonetically spelled for the convenience of the interwebs.)
Every girl should have the opportunity to own a pony. Stuffed or not.
I actually really DID have a pony named “Al Capony.” No shit.
He could get out of any stall or paddock you put him in. We lived on a lake and he figured out that in the middle of winter, you can walk on the water, so at 2am he rounded up a couple of our horses and two of the neighbors and ran away. Maybe they heard about a hot pony party and were sneaking away for it. Damn, was my dad mad when he got a call at 3am from the sheriff. But not as mad as the neighbor when HE got the call from the sheriff that his mares were caught following our little white Al Capony across the lake.
Im in, my website is not up yet but it will be soon, i own the domain
Ucantmakethisshitup.net…..perfect for dead pony advertising.
“Hold me closer, Pony Danza.” I almost peed my pants. True and true.
I see a couple of potential problems with this scenario. First of all, the aforementioned dead pony would have to be shipped all the way from the UK. Big postage bill! Looks like his oh-so-ancient taxidermied hide is pretty fragile looking… I can see one of those little legs just snapping off. Then where would you be? With a three-legged Pony Danza. And that just ain’t right, girlfriend. Secondly, Hailey deserves to be able to hug a live pony who will devotedly follow her around begging for carrots, let her kiss it on the nose and cost Victor a fortune in vet bills. As it just so happens, I was downsized from my job in April (sucks) and have a spare pony for you! Eureka! Okay, so it’s not so much a pony as a very swaybacked 21-year-old retired Morgan broodmare… but still, she has four legs that won’t snap off. And all you’ll need to do is pony up the trucking fee from Maine because, well, being unemployed means I’m probably more broke than you at this point. Let me know…
P.S. You can also advertise on the side of my broodmare. She’s pretty bombproof and certainly won’t mind wearing a sandwich board for a good cause. Just don’t staple the signs on her, please.
I think you should ask yourself: Where will Pony Soprano ( I like that one ) end up? Will it be out back with the organically alarmed Beyonce? Or in the garage, next to the Chupacabra/Cobra love fest/battle scene? At some point, either Victor will go batshit crazy and call a removal service, or you’re going to have the most awesome yard sale ever .
You have me looking on EBay for weird taxidermy, like the AWESOME squirrel, bronc busting a giant rattlesnake, waving a teeny cowboy hat. If I were rich, it would have been yours. This pony however, Ewwwwww…just…Ewwwwww.
Boy will Victor be surprise when we show up on your door step with all of our worldly belongings. He’ll forget all about the pony.
You can lead a dead pony to Coke but you can’t make him slurp.
Not that pony..it’s pretty crusty looking..like it’s ears would fall off in transit..maybe you should get an ancient alive pony, feed it, and love it, and get used to paying for it and then when the poor thing kicks the bucket you can actually save on the feed bill, and you’ll know it was ethically stuffed because it will have died of old pony age..Or, you could just visit my alive horses, and take home pictures of them, which would be almost as nice as having a dusty old victorian pony that’ll prolly kill you in your sleep..if I’d have known you wanted a dead equine, we all coulda pitched in and bought you Trigger when he got sold from the Roy Rogers Museum.
My wife made me read your book and I absolutely loved it. It lead me to this blog. Where I read this post. You becamse my favorite person that I’ve never met because of it. So congrats. The awards ceremony is in the spring and we’d love it if you could come out. I’m not supposed to tell anyone you’ve one this prestigous award, so let’s keep it between us.
But for serious, reading your blog inspires me to write in my own blog. I never do, but I still feel inspired and that’s something right?
I love you. That is all. 🙂
this is amazing. genius conversation, and definitely needed the laugh this morning! best part, “hold me closer Pony Danza.”
We’re cleaning out my mom’s house and she has a taxidermied pheasant and a duck. I know they are no pony, but they could each wear ad signs around their necks to raise money to buy Pony Danz.
Ooh, I want to buy advertising on the pony! I really do. But I’m not sure if you can accept advertising from a dirty book writer. Hey, my stuff is better than that Shades of Grey nonsense!
*insert joke about pony play here*
Either way, I think you may have just launched a Pony-advertising business, which would be pretty much par for the course in your world. I know I’d sell more books via Pony Danza than those lame Goodreads ads. Hit me up!
OMG! Im going to have nightmares… But I too love you….
Tell Victor, Wil said “Don’t be a Dick” and to Pony up for the Pony! Seriously, its like he WANTS you to be poor!
Hmm, you know, my company does use horse meat in the carnivore products we produce to feed the animals at the zoo. Maybe we could sponsor the other half and use Pony Danza at our conferences. I’m sure the zoological people would LOVE that.
If you get Pony Danza, you could totally bring back Who’s the Boss..only with taxidermy animals. Brilliant.
That’s a disturbing item. But the hold me closer Pony Danza joke was fucking hysterical.
I’m with Lisa. No pony poop to pick up makes a dead pony possibly the best pony!
I nearly laughed up my liver at “Pony Danza” and your “Clip-Clop, Motherfucker” photo caption.
Drea- Pony Orlando and Fawn made me bark with laughter. I scared the cat.
I like that the shipping is more than the pony. Someone is out to make a killing.
I’ve got $350 for your pony’s head! I mean, for advertising. Yeah.
Ahhh! This horse is 10 minutes from where I live. I had no idea I could buy such wonders so close to where I live.
I just wanted to tell you that you make my days a whole lot better. I just recently listened to your book on a long drive and it was amazing. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time now and you write about that struggle so brilliantly it makes me see the other side. Plus you are bat shit crazy funny and I love that. I hope your pony arrives soon!
Oh I’m SO glad the Twitter extravaganza resulted in your Pony Danza. Hahaha! My husband is still on Victor’s side, but I support your ponydom.
Also, Tiny Dancer is now stuck in my head and I have visions of Sir Elton slow dancing with a taxedermied pony on stage. Which isn’t an impossiblity, really. Great. Thanks for that.
LMAO. I just spit coffee all over your “Pony Danza”. Thank God he is the same color as my coffee, so I didn’t stain him. Just a thought…I thought I would help Victor on this one…
If you put Pony Danza outside….don’t forget crawly things and bugs…fumigate often…and even though this pony is a free feeder…the upkeep is a lot of work…brushing…braiding….fly spray…all that grooming…just sayin’.
Maybe Victor would like it better if it was named Pony Soprano?
Couldn’t you find an American stuffed antique miniature pony?
The people at Camp Mighty are awesome. I’ve been saying all week (yeah, two days) that I wish I could go. Congrats on getting Pony Danza!
The only thing with more potential comedy gold would be a taxidermied ass (the donkey-like kind). I tried to search online for you, but searching for a stuffed ass comes up with 38.9 million porn hits.
The internet is awesome. I’m glad so many people came to your aid. A life without Pony Danza would be a half life.
Don’t you mean ‘PONY Danza is mine’? ;->
Long live the internets! Without which, you would not have a dead pony.
Sometimes I feel like I need a twitter account just to follow you and understand the rest of your posts. Totally jealous of Pony Danza. Make it a quadra-corn!
Fun, fun, fun. Also, I love the word “Falabella.”
Bahahaha “hold me closer Pony Danza” is cracking me up! Congrats on your new addition!
Time to shake the dust off the old “Mr. Ed” theme song…
A Dead horse is, of course, a tour de force
No matter if Victor will not endorse
Because, of course, this tour de force is stuffed from ass to head
Look out on the porch, you’ll know of course
That clip-clopping nag has no remorse
He’ll knock til you open up those doors
That’s what Wil Wheaton said!
Bloggess quickly sent a tweet
Seeking funds with which to pay
Her PayPal account is drained, you see
Won’t someone save the day?
This horse is much more than a tour de force
It’s a viable advertising source
I’ll bet even Elton John supports
“PONY DANZA MUST BE HAD!!”
“Pony Danza” lyrics to follow. Eventually.
(And I’m quite sure Sir Elton would approve. It wouldn’t be the first time an old melody of his was refreshed with new lyrics.)
So, how’s Victor? 🙂
So I totally clicked on those sponsor links because any sponsor willing to buy a dead pony for you to dress up is my kind of a cool company. You need to add a link to PMS comics. They are funny.
YAY! Glad you got sponsorship for him. How big is he? I don’t see any measurements on the ebay listing.
Lady! My bladder cannot handle all your funny. Jeebus.
I cannot stop laughing about this! Everyone at work thinks I’m crazy now, because I spontaneously start laughing as I sit alone at my desk. Oh, this will be a good day. ^_^
Now you need this:
Love this so much! Wil Wheaton’s tweet was made of awesome, as well! Congrats on your new pony! Your daughter is going to have the most epic birthday parties complete with dead pony rides! 😀
Sponsors! That right there is awesome.
just in case it’s been too long since the last time I said this…I lurve you.
I just love you so much! This completely made my day.
There is WAY too much awesomeness in this post. I think you should start looking for a second dead pony… so you could position it to be stratigically mounting the first dead pony. Then you could place TWO advertisements on the dead pony showcase!!!
This was the best post ever. I love how Victor clears out your paypal and the internet jumps in to save the day. If I had any money, I would totally pitch in for the monkey.
I, ha-ha-hi, ha-ha-hiiiiii…
Dig a Pony….
Just Googled “ethically taxidermied monkey jockey” to help you get a jump-start on Phase II. My computer crashed. I think I broke Google.
I see big fat promotions for the people who decided to sponsor your purchase! What could be better than your company name superimposed on the front of a dead, stuffed pony??!! Genius!
OMG, I almost fell off of my chair at implus pony. Love it!!!
I wish the hell you could know how much joy you bring to my dreary days. I fuckiung love you, girl!
HAHAHA!!!! This is too funny for words!!! I’m so jealous! And I would say Victor is only delighted!!! 🙂
I’m pretty sure the word “FALLABELLA” translates to “BEAUTIFUL BLOWJOB.” Now, my Italian is a little rusty, and also I never knew Italian, so I could be wrong.
You know how they put Live Animals on the crate when you get something actually alive shipped to you? Will they write Dead Animals on this one? I hope so.
Hold me closer, Pony Danza
Count the head lice on the highway…..
Rationalize the impulse pony – Beyonce needs a new friend.
Am I the only one who was bothered by the “Have one to sell?” angle on eBay here? Why, yes, I have a stuffed dead antique pony right next to the stuffed rainbow unicorn in my garage. And if you look in my mother’s basement, which could land a spot on Hoarders, I’m quite sure you’ll find six or seven she might be willing to part with.
Jesus, I need your negotiating skills in life.
Specifically, your bid-to-own-taxidermied-animals negotiating skills.
That shit is genius. AND INDEED, rife with comedy gold.
If your home were a museum I would travel to Texas SOLELY to visit it.
I didn’t read all the comments, so if someone else already mentioned, I apologize. But you know who would look awesome riding Pony Danza? Juanita the Weasel! Perched on his head all ” Jesus, I give up- you win- here’s you’re goddamn Pony!” ( as voiced by Victor, of course!) And also, Hamlet Von Schnitzel riding the pony would be a great cover for your next book, so of course it’s now a tax deductible business expense Pony!
Just sent you an email. Put me down for 100, just send me your pay pal account info.
I should not be as excited as I am about someone I don’t personally buying a dead, stuffed pony.
This is the most awesome idea ever! Can’t wait to see pictures of the real pony advertisement.
Well, for the past 34 years Tiny Dancer has been “my” song for my daughter. She even married a music man and was seamstress for a band (true). SHE CURRENTLY OWNS A MINI HORSE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR DEAD ONE. Thank god she has a sick sense of humor like the rest of our family (we’re Texans, too). I couldn’t forward your blog to her fast enough.
“Hold me closer Pony Danza” – this was so funny it was worth destroying forever the tribute song for my first-and-only-born.
Omg…”Pony Danza”. Can you please name all my pets from now on? PLEEEZZEE??
FWIW, I was totally singing ‘Hold me closer, Pony Daaaanza’ before I got to that part of your post. You totally need this pony. Impulse pony or not.
…at least it’s not towels?
Just make sure you don’t let Hunter or Ferris hang out with it unsupervised. I have visions of scratching post-ed legs and taxidermied pony fur hairballs being hurked….
You do realize that shipping for that is going to be like another $450, don’t you? Victor’s going to be PISSED! Better find more sponsors.
You have made my day ridiculously amazing. Choking-on-lunch-funny-snorting-making-the-cubesters-near-me crazy hilarity right there chick. Thank you. That is all.
Everyone on twitter just WISHES we lived in your house
What you *really* need is an 18th century ostrich, complete with cage:
You might want to check with customs enforcement. There could be special laws about bringing livestock (or deadstock- is that a word?) into the US.
I have a co-worker with a few miniature ponies who might be able to stable her love of her precious pets in order to ride this new fad. Plus, they are far healthier than this one, which looks a little skinny.
Simultaneously, somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic, a husband who looks a little like Victor with an English accent breaths a sigh of relief, “I thought we’d NEVER get rid of that impulse pony you picked up, Penny. God bless those crazy Americans and their web campaigns. I’ll get the packing tape.”
OMG! Pony Danza is totally made of W.I.N. 😀
YES! A UNICORN HORN!!!! I could crochet one for you… and a top hat… because Pony needs a top hat. I could also crochet a stuffed monkey, but I think a real stuffed one is more your style.
I want a stuffed Woodchuck. We now live on Woodchuck Lane, and I think one peering through the window by the door would be awesome. The Concubine, not so much but I think she would come around. Know where I can find one?
Copernicus needs to ride Pony Danza while Beyonce watches.
When the pony arrives, if it’s really good looking, can you please name in Anponio Banderas?
OMG, this is worse than a 3-legged pony, and you ACTUALLY want it! No wonder you worked in HR at you-know-where. You make getting a dead pony sound desirable.
Pony Danza would give me nightmares.
Thinking of starting a dead pony’s society?
Juanita needs some more FRIENDS!
That’s BeAUTIFUL! Btw I just had a brilliant brain blast, if I do say so my self:
Dead petting zoo. You have enough animals now. Time to earn back the money you invested in them! You could do birthday partys, bar mitzahs, office party, etc. Guaranteed gold mine. You’re welcome.
Or, you could try one of THESE ponies: http://www.pony-expressions.com/category-s/1834.htm. No feeding, formaldehyde, or shit-schlepping required!
Small enough to ride along in your pocket, loveable, and not dead OR alive so the ick factor (and smell) are minimal. Plus, for those with a spiritual perspective, the gemstones offer a menagerie of healing properties.
Thanks for the guffaws. I needed that.
I noticed that your ebay username is jamesjen. Is Victor not your husbands name? Victor sounds like it could be made up.
(That’s his middle name. ~Jenny)
What, no “Share” button? I totally want to share this!
Since you firmly planted that ear worm, I give you:
Pony Danza ~ A Plea To FedEx
(with apologies to Sir Elton John)
Taxiderm’d Pony, looks so lonely, stuck on a wooden stand
Glassy eyed, dusty hide, it’s destined for Lone Star land
#Falabella (may trend on Twitter) please no bids above a grand
Desired by Jenny, has fans aplenty, Pony Danza must be had!
Bloggess tweets to all her peeps
Seeking funds to bring it home
There’s no lack, they’ve got her back
The Twitterverse if oft like that
She’s got a plan, clever woman
Unicorns for everyone
Blogging on, knows it’s not wrong
‘Cause now Juanita’s looking glum
You know now the need is real
200 quid is such a deal
But shipping fees are gonna kill me
So I say FedEx, help me
Ship for free her Pony Danza
She’ll post your logo on its hind leg
I’ll link to you in all my blog posts
There really is no other way
Ship for free her Pony Danza
She’ll post your logo on its hind leg
I’ll link to you in all my blog posts
There really is no other way
I LOVE Pony Danza! And when you’re sick of him you can just put him in the TARDIS. There’s lots of room in there.
I hope you win the pony. How can Victor object? It’s got to be tax deductible.
Kudos to Filing Jointly, Camp Mighty, and PMS Comics for having a sense of humor.
You realize, you’re moving out of taxidermy collection territory, into taxidermy CIRCUS status. And if you have a circus, you have to have elephants – which you could use both as circus animals, and posed with the donkey, er, pony, to represent the upcoming elections. it’s a two-fer!
I thought this was just going to be a little mockery of Suri not getting her puppy- but you do what you always do and make me laugh at the most ridiculous things ever.
I feel sorry for Victor, but I was cheering for you all along to get Tony Danza!!
I am not entirely sure why we haven’t considered Copernicus to ride this horse?
You live a strange and mystical life, Jenny. I so love your wacky world. xo
First, when Pony Danza arrives, you need to put him in front of Victor’s office with a sign that says, “WHO’S THE BOSS?”
Second, I am a poor but proud blogger, but I want to support your understandable taxidermy habit. What will $100 buy the little, pony-less people? We are here for you in small, insignificant ways. Awaiting instructions.
Please make a T-shirt that says CLIPCLOP MOTHERFUCKER.
HA! Ha. I was like, “I’ll go in on the dead pony,” and literally saw that Laura beat me to it while I was reading.
Weird Museum of the Week – 44 Dioramas of Dead Gophers http://manonthelam.com/44-dioramas-of-dead-gophers-gopher-hole-museum-torrington-alberta/
Facing a closing school, a dying economy, and the exodus of both jobs and people, the town elders got together and decided to do what all town elders do to keep their town alive – they killed and stuffed gophers.
Thought you might like this one!
I’ve been reading this blog for a while, but did not feel compelled to join the madness until “Pony Danza”. How many of us just peed a little bit? I know I did. And I am thinking about changing my stuffed beaver’s name from Aunt Bea to something more creative. She has been Bea Verr for many years now; and if anyone suggests Justin Beaver I will projectile vomit.
Exactly what search words did you put in when you came across this pony on eBay?
I’m an awe that you were able to make that happen! How often do you need to brush a pony that out of curiosity?
Gotta love the sponsors!! Hats off to Pony Danza 🙂
I’m sorry to inform you that the pony that people ponied up to help you buy did not die of natural causes. It was clearly malnourished. In fact, I know ponies quite well and I think that your Pony Danza is actually not a pony at all, but part goat/part Small Tufted deer. I’m so sorry that I crushed your dreams of owning a pony. On the other hand, goat/deer or “deoats”, as I call them, are still great at guarding packages and love to be sung to and held. They also like monkeys.
Falabella is a RARE breed according to the internet. Therefore, this is antique AND rare. Obviously, a MUST buy!
Other names for the pony:
Poni Morrison: In case the pony is deep and sad (which it probably is because it’s dead) and you really want to be on Oprah.
Bone, Thugs, and Harpony: No explanation needed.
i want to play with pony danza!!! does it give dead pony rides?
Wil Wheaton tweets to you? How awesome is that????
Hell, put a horn on it and you have a unicorn…It could be the new mascot for the unicorn success club!
Our marketing director carefully considered dead pony sponsorship.
As attractive as that opportunity is, especially with the inevitable unicorn horn and stuffed monkey-rider, he has decided to wait for the inevitable dead elephant and/or spermwhale sponsorship.
He figures we can get lot more logos on them.
He’d also be VERY KEEN on a stuffed dead Tyrannosaurus.
(Actually he’d pay MORE if it were a LIVE Tyrannosaurus and it did not eat him).
We have a coupon for it somewhere around here.
Please keep us on you Stuffed Dead Animals mailing list.
wow…I can’t wait to see it….hey what ever happened to the Mouse Orchestra?
If you get a SECOND stuffed dead pony, before the stuffed dead elephant or spermwhale or Tyrannousaurus, we suggest this name.
It comes with its very own theme song.
In fact, in many, many versions.
All the stuffed animals will be rocking.
And Victor will love it.
Beyonce needs a boyfriend and I think Pony Danza would be perfect! They can be dressed in formal wear during prom season! Betsy Ross & Uncle Sam in the summer! Mr. & Mrs. Claus at Christmas! The possibilities, and entertainement value, are endless…..
I came here hoping for writer’s block and more cute cat photos. I’m leaving with images of a dead horse and hoping for writer’s block tomorrow.
Just kidding. That’s some funny stuff. Hope you win your dead pony.
Wants to be at Customs when Ponyboy arrives….
You. Are. AWESOME! I vote for Pony Soprano.
At some point, Victor and you will have the most kick ass and hilariously weird 50th anniversary party one day and the slide show of your adventures will be epic. You should project it onto a white screen attached to Pony Danza.
So happy to have been able to help! I even got myself a little something to commemorate the occasion. A very small version of Pony Danza. My very own Tiny Danza. I blogged about all of this today!
I just had to explain to my coworkers why I am laughing hysterically at a story about a dead horse… thank you.
You just made my headache go away. Thank You.
Poor Victor can’t win when the internet enables your dead pony quests, lol!
Hope you don’t get outbid!
Love it!! What would be even better is if the ethically stuffed monkey was also holding a feather duster and had a voice box so it could yell out phrases like, “SO WHO’S THE BOSS, NOW, PONY DANZA??”
Er, unless that would make it an “unethically” stuffed monkey… Honestly, I’ve never really understood where the line is.
You’re kind of like the Stephen Colbert of the internet. Which means you should probably be dreaming bigger like getting bridges in Hungary named after you and things like that because I’m pretty sure you could make it happen faster than he can. I cannot wait to see all the photos of this badass pony.
I dunno. That’a mangy looking pony.
Crap and a half, you are actually getting it? I am impressed, appalled, all of the above. Wow. Wherever will you put Pony Danza?
ALSO, speaking of Pony Danza, remember on Who’s The Boss when Angela got a new car and Tony decided he wasn’t going be pussy whipped by Angela anymore (even though she TOTALLY WAS the boss) and when he ordered her car he ordered it painted red and she freaked out? This is just like that, but with dead ponies. So you should totally get it, but give Victor the option of a color choice. Everyone wins.
He’s not stuffed yet but your cats might like this doberman..
HST so needs a huge playmate.
How about when you get the money to buy this pitiful looking pony, you then use him to raise money for all the abused and starving horses in Texas. With the drought and insane heat, it is estimated that record numbers of animals are dying in Texas. You can probably find a free dead horse within ten miles of where you live.
First of all, I love Maggie because she shares awesome people like you and hello? She’s Mighty.
Second of all, I love Lauren because of her sense of humor. (Hi Lauren! I lurk regularly & never comment.)
Third of all, OMG PMS Comics had me at Bruce Campbell.
Congrats on 3 stellar advertisers. Can’t wait to see what they come up with.
I understand why Copernicus will not be riding the pony. No one wants to strangle a dead pony.
Take the cymbals away from the monkey you eventually get, but keep the fez.
Who else types OMG PMS? Just me, I’m thinkin’.
What a remarkable Pony Ebay Saga.
Hope you enjoy every ounce of your dead pony.
I vote for Pony Curtis, because then you can stage your own dramatic versions of “Some Like It Trot”.
The “inevitable unicorn horn” was the icing on the cake of awesomeness that is this post.
“…even fucked up dreams need to come true sometimes”
This deserves an e-card or even better a t-shirt!
Best post about a pony ever. EVER!! Jenny, you rock!!! I know I’ve told you that before. I want to thank you for proving to my husband that there are other things out there beside yarn and material I could spend money on. After the taxidermied pony, my three plastic totes of yarn I don’t know what I’m going to with it all don’t look too bad. Actually, it might be four totes. I really don’t remember anymore. Even the Mary Kay stash is looking good I think. ;-D
Kudos to your three advertisers helping your dream come true!! This post is just awesome all the way around!! 😀
this sounds like an advertising bonanza. i cannot wait to see dead pony advertising EVERYWHERE. this is going to be a phenomenon.
This is my first time visiting your blog and I have to say, that I’m happy I have. This post made my day. I always wanted a pony when I was younger, but my mom wouldn’t let me have one because I wouldn’t take care of it. She should have gotten me a stuffed pony like this one!
The internet is awesome and I love all of this.
Put a fedora on its head, a cigar in its jaws, give it a miniature tommy gun and you have: Pony Soprano.
(Thank you and please remember to tip the wait-staff.)
I watched this all unfold on twitter last night… Too funny to then see a midnight post.
I can’t wait to hear regular stories about ‘Pony Danza’. I’m sure Victor will learn to love him too in time.
“Hold me closer *Pony Danza*”…Oh, if only, Elton John.
I’d love to see the expression on the custom officials face
Between the blog, the twitter, and the comments, I seriously HURT from laughing. Seriously funniest thing I’ve ever read on the Internet.
Ok – I just checked the auction and you have competition – But don’t try to up your bid just yet! Wait til the very last second – then put in the absolute most you’re willing to spend……
Hopefully whoever has decided to bid against you (the scoundrel!) will not have bid as high as you’re willing to………
Ultimately – Pony Danza should be yours!
So the Lion won …
(see 2008/2009 post with pic of lion riding horse)
Sweet Jesus you are a wizard. I got nothin’ else.
I was all about using Pony Danza for advertising for the law firm we’re opening in Boulder. My partner does not share my enthusiasm and says that a taxidermied pony would be a bad advertising tool for a law firm. I disagree. Plus, we’re in Boulder, for heaven’s sake – they embrace this kind of thing there! Maybe not dead pony advertising per se but unique expression and all that.
I’m totally going to win this argument.
My friend and I have decided that you’re like a new pen pal – except we don’t write back. Reading your posts is just as much fun as if you sent something in the mail with glitter stickers on the envelope. Actually, better – we weren’t as funny back then. Well, maybe YOU were…?
Want to know about something else creepy? A collection of 12, 000 elephant figurines. Down the road from Gettysburg, yup the one in the Civil War. A perfect match, wouldn’t you say? I was there last week: [Insert shameless plug here]
I’m thinking you could advertise your own book on it and then write off the cost of the pony on your taxes as a business deduction! Brilliant. I think I’m going to go back to school and become a tax attorney.
Good lord. I don’t even have words for the dead pony. There are no words. It’s just…wow. I’m speechless!
Also, can you pretend that you really really need a VitaMix, a DSLR and a new car and then just quietly ship them to me? kthxbai 😀
I have a number of questions to ask…
1. I read your book, why can’t your father make you these things? There cannot be a lack of dead anything in Texas.
2. How do you explain this stuffed stuff to your child?
3. Are you going to be in need a pony saddle now for this?
Well I guess that was not a number of questions…just a few.
Wait one more…4…why the hell could you not come to Seattle? I am from the East coast…people read a hell of a lot more in Seattle and love quirky (it is politer than crazy ass) women.
You might need another advertiser to pay for the postage from England!
Yeah that was my 5th question…you know it is probably about 500 bucks to get that thing here don’t you?
Really ride up and down the roads of Texas you will find a pony/.horse you can have posted or call the Estate of Roy Rogers and see what Trigger is doing these days.
I would love to be a fly on the wall during discussions with your accountant. I would imagine it goes something like this. LOL
And, Company X paid you $500 for what?
A taxidermied pony.
And Company Y paid you $500 for what again?
A taxidermied monkey to ride the taxidermied pony.
So now that I’ve invested in waterproof mascara, I think I should spring for cowgirl boots to go with Pony Danza. I could send you mine — they’ve only been worn once.
Umm, you do realize that the indicated price is 200 British Pounds, right? That’s about $311 US dollars. You might have to defer the monkey for a while.
Well, when Victor is being an ass, you can place the pony in bed on its side A-La-Godfather!
You should totally make the pony the mascot of the unicorn success club and or the double unicorn success club, and then you could hold meetings and it would look twice as awesome because you have a dead pony with a unicorn horn and a monkey rider behind you.
I do think it needs some badass glasses, though. Bitches love bad ass ponies with glasses.
Omg that Dead Ponty totally screams your name. Besides who else could keep the chicken company?
‘Pony Danza’ … I just drenched my keyboard with Diet Coke, AGAIN while reading this blog. AWESOME!
Is Victor filing for divorce?
This made laugh so hard 3 ( count them 3 ) people moved away from me in the train …and it was the second time I’ve read it…. Thanks for making me being a social embarrassment fun…again
What’s the shipping like on a dead pony?
I find myself pondering how to construct a unicorn horn for Pony Danza.
though part of the pondering is “hmmm, I’ll have to figure out how big Pony Danza actually IS… ”
wings too maybe, because, I’ll crochet and put wings on ANYTHING.
(though I think the oddest winged amigurumi thus far was the winged turtle.)
Okay, I think we need a bunch of costumes for Pony Danza. Clearly a horn. And some wings (I think a pegasus would be a wonderful means of transportation, even if it had to be put on castors and pulled by a leash). And a tie dyed mane/tail wig (Hello! My name is My Little Pony Danza).
Also, you should maybe hire him out as a prop for the best Christmas cards ever. Or the creepiest. One of those.
OMG I just saw this photo from Comic Con and had to share it with you: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7bmrfZf3g1rnak9zo1_500.jpg
There is only one thing that would make this better. Twine.
You have, by far, the most fabulous assortment of dead critters that I’ve ever seen. It’s truly impressive.
You must have the pony. you really must.
Don’t the KNOW who you are?!??!
they*. Don’t THEY* know who you are…It’s too early for me to be using technology.
Pony Danza … the one that got a-neigh.
Yea, I know. I’m leaving.
This is the problem with tweeting/blogging about an item which is, clearly, solid gold. Too many people want in on the action now!
Hate to say it, but ‘SHIPPING KILLS THE DEAL’.
$470 to ship it to USA.
Jason, I was just about to post that: Shipping is more than the current bid on the pony.
(I figured shipping into the deal. THAT’S HOW MUCH I WANT THIS PONY. ~ Jenny)
How much pony ad can I get for $20?
In a related note: Happy birthday, Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005).
I enjoyed that so much. “Pony Up” had me on the floor.
So, not to make this a more complicated decision, but you could always make an offer on this:
(Leah, this is so awesome I’m taking down the link so no one can snipe it before I can save up for it. ~ Jenny)
Wrecktacular said –
Please make a T-shirt that says CLIPCLOP MOTHERFUCKER.
WELL PLAYED Wrecktacular…well played!
Don’t bid again until like the last 10 seconds so then they can’t bid against you. and bid something odd like 314.27. most people bid with a 0 or 5 at the end.
You know , of course, there is a song, which should now be your love song dedicated to Victor ….. Written in 1909 by Bobby Heath and Charley O’Donnell and the chorus goes like this……
“Pony Boy, Pony Boy
Won’t you be my Pony Boy
Don’t say no
Here we go
Off across the plains
Right away with you
Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, whoa!
My Pony Boy”
(especially nice when accompanied on a honkytonk piano!)
All this is making me hear “Dig a Pony” by The Beatles in my head.
? “All I want is you…” ?
Looking at that little darling I can’t help but think of “Yippee, kiyo, kiya, Mother Fucker!
The real question, is why are you NOT buying these? Jeremiah and friends…..
Clip clop, motherfucker! that’s awesome!! It could be Victor, or it could be some pain in the ass losers trying to screw with you. I can’t imagine there are that many people who will actually pay for a dead pony once the auction ends. And like someone else said, don’t bid now- try to snipe it at the last couple minutes with odd numbered bids. You might get a second chance offer if the winner bags out of paying.
Also, I’m dying for the beyonce knock knock motherfucker and Juanita “souffle” magnet or card to be available in your store again. I want them as much as you want Pony Danza. Please?
(They’re still there. You just have to log in to prove that you’re old enough to look at the profanity. 🙂 ~ Jenny)
If, for some reason, the stars do not align and Pony Danza is snatched up by someone else, I propose the following:
Get Oprah Whinny on board…
“YOU get a Pony!…and YOU get a Pony!…And YOU get a Pony!…EVERYONE GETS A PONY!!!”
Remember the towels, Victor. Remember the towels.
The real question is why are you not buying these? Jeremiah and friends….l.
(Truth? I already own three of them. ~Jenny)
Stable investment?!?! HAHAHAHA! PUN!
Don’t keep bidding now! You’ll just drive up the price. Wait until the last few seconds — it’s called sniping. But you have to bid as much as you are willing to spend. (Um, yes, I used to ebay a lot…)
I have to say that I was with Victor up until you said “Al Capony.” I am too Italian for that one to not affect me! Here I am in my Gabriel voice (not that I know what that sounds like).
Bloggess, you will have a stuffed son and you shall name him Al Capony.
If I had a blog and $350, I would buy an add, just to keep this saga going. It makes me laugh every time I read it!
This may also be an option – might not take up as much room and make Victor happy!
Pony X-Press! And then you can put all sorts of animals on him! The Monkey to ride him first, and then a squirrel or small bat…
You can set up a fence and ringside seating and have all sorts of small, taxidermied animals waiting in line to get on a ride, and have Hamlet von Schnitzel be your ride/ring master.
Think of all the fun things you could do with it!!
I was literally just thinking about buying a pony. (Except I was looking at one that is, you know, alive. Minor technicality, though.) I said to myself, “hmm, I ought to add that to my bucket list.” Except I don’t have a bucket list. So I decided to waste my life on the internets instead: cue Bloggess. Then one thing led to another, I clicked the Camp Mighty link and found instructions for making a Life List! It’s like the world wants me to have a pony.
I’m telling you….FUNDRAISER! I need a shirt that sayd “Hold me close, young Pony Danza”. I have to have that shirt. Make it!
Jenny had a little Ram…uh no, tht’s not right…
I was laughing at this really loudly when I heard a voice from the next room. It was my honey saying, “You can’t have a pony.”
How can you not want to bid on the Sea Lion Head- http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/SEA-LION-HEAD-taxidermy-stuffed-/271015744392?pt=UK_Collectables_AnimalCollectables_SM&hash=item3f19cc1388
I fear the poor pony will just end up as a scratching post/climbing gym for Hunter S Thomcat. Another thumbs up for Epiphanie Bags. My parents gave me one for Christmas last year and it is marvelous.
Homeless people ate your wife’s pet duckie when she was A CHILD.
Let her have the damn stuffed pony.
The Ones Judging You (i.e., EVERYBODY)
hey, if you loose the pony, how bout an extinct species of bobcat instead?
Just curious… Did your Mom smoke crack while she was pregnant with you Jenny?
If he was slightly more portly, you could call him “Horseon Wells”. Though with panache like his, height/weight proportionality is irrelevant.
Not a pony….but its WEASELS!!!!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ATangleofWeasels
While you may have missed out on this particular dead pony, there’s obviously some other amazingly awesome stuffed animal (heh) that you’re meant to have.
Maybe a zebra. Zebras are like ponies with tattoos and mohawks.
They’re punk ponies.