And that’s how my whole week has been going.

I spent last night in the hospital with my seven-year-old (who had an infection) reading loudly to her to drown out the noise of the drunk, screamy people being taken from the ambulances next door.

This morning I got two bites in before I realized that the milk had gone terribly bad, and that’s when I opened the fridge to check the date and realized I that I accidentally poured egg whites into my cereal.

I can’t help but think this is a metaphor for my whole week.

 

346 thoughts on “And that’s how my whole week has been going.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. (last comment, I swear)
    I swear that I’m not a total creep/stalker. I just HAPPENED upon your website as soon as you posted this…

  2. Egg whites in a carton is a thing?! I wish I had that here in Australia. I’m awful at separating the yolk from the whites.

  3. This is why I never chug eggs or egg whites anymore. They’re a gateway drug. Obviously!

  4. At least you didn’t put it into your coffee. That would have been interesting.

  5. YUM. That reminds me, although yours is a million times worse, of when my great aunt served me my breakfast cereal with whole cream. I grew up on skim, thank you very much. You can imagine that I did not in fact drink the milk that day! 😉

  6. I blame it on the carton of EGG WHITES.

    make them refund you for your lost cereal and emocional trauma.

  7. There should be some kind of campaign to change the packaging on those things. Like the campaign about the Walmart spray butter stuff that looks exactly the walmart furniture polish.

  8. Ah, gotta love that it’s-morning-and-I’m-not-totally-awake-yet moments. There have been a few times I nearly poured coffee into my cereal instead of the mug.

  9. Hehehehehehe. I didn’t even know egg whites came in a carton that big. Note to self.

  10. Should have stuck it in the microwave and invented a whole new concept in breakfasts.

  11. Does it make you feel any better that I once put vinegar into a brownie recipe by accident rather than the vegetable oil it called for? No? Well, I tried. BTW, the vinegar sinks, so if you skim the top…

  12. Blargh!!! I feel like I need to gargle or scrape my tongue on your behalf. Better days ahead…ahoy…something! Woot!

  13. I poured orange juice into my tea once because it was where the milk should be. Somehow I didn’t notice that it was bright orange until it was too late.

  14. Anyone who owns a carton of egg-whites probably deserves to accidentally eat them out of context in order that some kind of realisation-cum-paradigm shift occurs wherein they switch IMMEDIATELY to a diet of bacon, (complete) eggs, pancakes, French fries, pizza, ice cream and crumpets.

  15. Never done that exact thing, but I have definitely had some culinary mix-ups before. Since I’m not a morning person, it happens pretty often with breakfast items.

  16. Are egg whites in a carton as snot-like as egg whites in the shell? Because if so, personally I wouldn’t be eating cereal for a while. *shudder*

  17. Nope, not alone. I once poured egg beaters into my coffee thinking I was pouring half-and-half. I’m not sure if that was better or worse than drinking egg whites in my cereal—and I hope I never find out.

  18. Dude. Just pour it all in a frying pan – you may have just invented a new breakfast. Could be a million dollar idea. Remember how the chocolate accidentally got into the peanut butter? *Lives were changed.*

  19. I have a big post-it note with “for the love of GOD this is NOT MILK” on all the non-milk cartons. Not for my benefit, you understand (I’m lactose intolerant), but for the men of the household. It’s cut down on the accidental egg, almond-milk, cream, and/or juice consumption with cereal.

    Also? you could have totally made a cereal omelette. Saves face, and is high in fiber.

  20. There is just something so wrong about egg whites in a carton….eggs aren’t that bad for you why not have a whole egg???

  21. I have almost poured kool-aid in my cereal bowl. But eggwhites would have been sooooo much worse. You poor thing!

  22. ME TOO. Although the egg whites were more like everything I’ve been working on this last week breaking before I’m supposed to launch tomorrow. So, metaphorical egg whites in my cereal.

  23. At least your milk wasn’t bad! I poured some bad milk into a cup of coffee Saturday and get a big swallow before i realized….UGH!!!!!

  24. @Anna I did the same thing! I was tired but c’mon, the cartons didn’t even look the same!

  25. Never done this, but I *did* cure my husband of drinking juice straight from the container. See, I was making homemade chicken stock, and I put it in a pitcher in the fridge to cool . . .

  26. Nope, I have done the same exact thing. Egg boogers in your coffee make for a traumatic experience.

  27. That’s hilarious. My daughter who put buttermilk in her tea the other night will be pleased to know that she is not the only one who is prone to such mishaps.

  28. I’ve managed something like this. Only replace egg whites with suspiciously amazing looking animal crackers for dogs, and cereal to unassuming snack time.

  29. I poured breast milk on my cereal one morning while getting breakfast for myself and my son (who was under a year old at the time). It was my own breast milk. It would have been weird to have another woman’s breast milk in my refrigerator, but I digress. Needless to say, I didn’t eat the cereal. Mostly because I couldn’t figure out if I would disappear into a black hole if I did. Producing and drinking your own bodily fluid was just too much for my sleep-deprived mind to comprehend.

  30. The only thing I find disturbing in the picture is the diet coke. Boo to that!
    Then again, I am fat and you are fabulous.

    So how does one exactly get the taste of raw egg whites out of one’s mouth?
    You know, just in case we find ourselves in a similar situation.

  31. Likely too late, but you could have tossed it into a frying pan and made a weird cereal omelet. Put it on a stick and you have a ready to go breakfast; like your waffle on a stick.

  32. Two things struck me in quick succession.
    1. Two bites in? You should really give yourself more time to wake up before eating.
    2. You have a half gallon of egg whites. That’s what, like 6 dozen? Do you binge-make meringue pies? Can you send one?

    Just tell yourself what the GF and i do when stuff like this happens. At least you get a story out of it.

  33. oh dear, I am so sorry. I have had many mornings like that. Yuck…Hope your day continues to go up from here, and that your daughter is feeling better 🙂

  34. That’s what you get for eating healthy. Toss the egg whites and eat the whole egg, yolks and all.

  35. You poor, poor thing! That’s awful! I can totally relate. One time when I was younger, I remember this vividly, I decided to have pancakes and poured on the syrup, began eating and half-way through saw dead ants all over my lovely plate of pancakes. Welp, I guess the little guys found a way into the syrup bottle. Poor Auntie Jemima. I could have puked.

  36. This reminds me of the time a colleague and I visited a client in an assisted living nursing home. She insisted we stay for coffee. I loathe coffee but figured I could add enough cream and sugar to choke it down. And then in what can only be considered divine intervention the attorney I was with, who always drinks his coffee black, inexplicably grabs the creamer and starts to pour it in his coffee only to have it drop into his cup in solid yucky spoiled lumps! We both managed to stifle our laugh, I declined the offer of cream stating “I always drink mine black.” and then the attorney proceeded to choke down his coffee so as not to offend the little old lady!

  37. Heavens to Betsy, I would have hurled. I have poured bottled water into my cereal before. I run on auto-pilot in the mornings (and pretty much every other time of day).

  38. I learned the hard way that the bottle of rice wine vinegar and the bottle of Rose’s sweetened lime juice looked identical and shouldn’t be kept next to one another in the fridge.

    There’s not a single recipe / drink in which those two items are interchangeable. Ever had a rice wine margarita? No. And there’s a reason for that.

  39. It’s the “two bites in” I can’t fathom… how did you get past the first one without gagging?

  40. TWO bites? Wow. Not realizing it on the first bite–that’s a groggy morning.

  41. Sounds horrible, but….I find it so awesome that you’ve got almond milk in there. I love that stuff!

  42. It’s not just you. It wasn’t till 8 last night that I realized it was infact Monday and not Tusday. I have injured my wrist, my mother told me I banged it on something I have no memory of doing this but that doesn’t stop the pain. My dr.s appointment was canceled but no one told me cuz they confused a ; with a 9 and somehow that was my fault. And that was all yesterday. Today t have to take the dog I’ve had for a week to the vet because she has a hole (explaining it would be exausting) and get new glasses and hope my wrist sorts it’s selfout.

  43. I’m there with Kathy on this one, how could you have taken the second bite? EWWWW! Just the slim factor alone would have had me gagging!

    Hope the day gets better. 🙁 Hope you little munchin is feeling better too!

  44. I have never poured anything in mistakenly. But I have put mugs in the freezer. Car keys in the refridgerator almost put the clothes detergent in there too. I like to think my refridgerator as a steam trunk or something.

  45. Yarg!!! While I cannot say that this scenario has happened to me before, I understand the exhaustion you’re experiencing. I’ll take this as a lesson from your experience and be very careful how I stock my refrigerator. You’re human, and I LOVE that you post this kind of stuff….nobody’s perfect. Though, some (you) are more awesome than others.

    Thank you for making me smile and/or laugh EVERY DAY with your blog. I’ll be starting your book soon. I hope that I really do LOL and nearly pee my pants the way I hear many others do. I need it.

  46. Blame this on whoever decided it was a good idea to package egg whites like milk, instead of like eggs.

  47. @Alex I wouldn’t be too happy with egg whites from a carton. At least the ones I get here (NE united states) are pasteurized or something, so you cannot use them for meringues or pretty much anything you want whipped. Just lots of egg white omelets.

  48. I blame the month of July. There has been some good points but for the most part, it’s been kinda cruddy.

  49. I was once 1/10 of a millimeter away from brushing her teeth with hemorrhoid ointment (it was on the brush and almost in my mouth before I realized)…and my mother once sprayed her armpits with WD40 thinking it was her Secret aerosol. You are not alone sister!

  50. I have come so close to doing that with my fake eggs and the cream for my coffee. Curdled eggs with caffeine anyone?

  51. I can say with happy abandon that I’ve never done that particular one. However, cheers to another almond milk drinker. Almond milk tastes pretty foul when it’s gone bad too though. 🙁

  52. Wow, that is a pretty craptacular way to start the day/week! Hope your daughter is feeling better! And that you don’t put eggs on your ceral tomorrow morning!

  53. My husband once tried to brush his teeth with Preparation H. The guy at poison control told him he’d be amazed at the numbers of people who did that. I hope Hailey feels better, and you too.

  54. First, I hope your little girl is OK. Second, if you ate whole eggs in their God-designed oval packaging replete with cholesterol and fat, that never would have happened. Also, cow in the backyard instead of milk carton. Just sayin. 😉

  55. This morning, a globe that was on top of the refrigerator fell off narrowly missing someone’s head. Then, I sat down and almost missed the chair. There is bad mojo afoot today. Definitely a day to not talk on the phone while walking… Beware.

  56. I’m sorry that your daughter is ill.
    Egg whites in coffee sounds disgusting. I have no idea why I’m laughing at your bad coffee experience but your day will improve. Egg whites plus coffee is some sort of wake up drink. GROSS.

  57. you should just move to canada. Our milk comes in bags not cartons and our drunks are still drunk, but mostly polite and quiet

  58. Egg whites pre-packaged into a carton? That’s somehow such an unsurprisingly American convenience that I can’t even deal with it. Here in backward Europe we’ve got to get the egg whites out of the egg ourselves.
    On the plus side, you’ll have had a great dose of protein this morning.

  59. Hope your daughter is feeling better! Thanks for the warning, I don’t buy egg whites in a carton, but if I do I am forewarned about the danger. I hope you had more cereal so you could have a bowl full with milk.

  60. Ummm… at least you didn’t turn up the carton to chug the milk… a.k.a. EGG WHITES?

  61. I have poured them into my coffee instead of the half and half which is in exactly the same size and shaped carton!! That is such a rude awakening!

  62. Egg whites on cereal…yummy, almost as bad as when I accidentally made tuna salad with horseradish sauce instead of mayonnaise.

  63. Once in college I asked my roommates if I could toss a jug of lemonade that had been in the fridge for weeks. It wasn’t lemonade. It was milk. I now have some serious milk phobias.

  64. There’s a full moon tomorrow! It’s not just you – we just about burned the house down last night because the wire attached to the elecrical outlet that the AC was plugged into was loose. This caused it to arc and melt the plastic part of the outlet. I woke up at 2AM to the smell of burnt greasy fish that I could not immediately locate a source for. Try googling “Smell, fish, electrical” and see what you get. It’s scary and not what an anxiety prone person needs at 2AM. Good news is hubby was able to replace the outlet at by 3AM (why he had a box of those darn things I have no clue). Bad news – it appears to have blown out the compressor on the AC. More good news, today is suppose to be the most agreeable of the week temp & humidity-wise. Bad news – how do you find a new AC (or part) in the middle of a drought?

  65. No worries. In early morning, sleepy states I have washed my face with my conditioner and mistaken my toothpaste for my hand cream. Oh, and I have gotten 2 or 3 bite into cereal before realizing the milk had gone bad, except in my case it was actually milk and I just hadn’t realized it was chunky when I poured it out.

  66. I’m relating. This morning I spilled my last soda on my cell phone and my last pair of clean underwear. So, I am incommunicado, commando, and headachey. Yay.

  67. Too funny , nah your not the only one, I had a massive garage sale to unload all our kids Toys thus past weekend and during a break our tiny ponds filter was floating out of the water again do I went to fix this because it took me the first part of the summer to clear it up, I fell in the pond, took off my sludgy sneakers and went back to my fixing job barefoot then stepped on a bee, got stung, screamed to my husband, can you please fix the &&@&@”@” pond for once!!!!!! He fixed it, 3 hours later a huge rain storm came by and the runoff from the dirt in our back yard ( from our new inground pool) run into my pond, which is now a clay color!!!!!!!

  68. Sprinkle it with cheese and throw that bad boy in the oven and call it breakfast casserole! The Bloggess Breakfast Casserole: breakfast of champions, or people with a looser grip on reality than most!

  69. The potential was there for breakfast innovation — if you had just poured that bowl into a hot skillet, then BOOM: cereal omelette. Garnish with Fruity Pebbles or fresh parsley.

  70. It’s the manufacturer of the egg whites’ carton’s fault…just sayin’…they made it look WAY too much like the carton of the stuff that normally goes on cereal. Not your fault at all!

    Besides…you are tired…hospital time is almost always uber-stressful (even when you work there…trust me!) and you get a pass for today. Because I say so! =)

    And…I’m curious…why a carton of egg whites?! Do you have a lot of recipes that call for egg-whites? Seems like an odd thing to have just lurking around in there.

  71. It’s Tuesday. Odds are good things will change by Friday. If it doesn’t rub the head of one of your awesome taxidermied animals for good luck. Juanita’s always a good choice.

  72. I’m happy that we have a children only urgent care that’s open from 5 PM to 5 AM so that you don’t have to deal with the drunks and gang shootings while trying to console a sick child.

  73. Last week I washed my mouth out with hair fixer/volumizer. What a strange and awful texture. TG it wasn’t moroccan oil

    How is the poor child doing?

    Annette

  74. Oh god, that’s terrible! Ick! On a related note, did you know that balsalmic vinagrette and pancake syrup are identical in color and bottle shape? Yup, I figured that one out the hard way. Beware the refrigerated doppelgangers…they’re totally out to get us.
    I hope Haley’s feeling better!

  75. Your refrigerator & its contents are obviously plotting against you, shuffling things around in a clear bid to put you in the psych ward, then hold your sanity hostage in exchange for co-writing credits on your next book.

    And after reading through the comments, I think I have to go make a breakfast cereal omelet.

  76. That will find its way into some inspirational photo … its already been quoted on Facebook!

  77. My solution: Brightly colored duct tape. Just wrap one of those cartons with a strip of something bright that you’ll always notice. That way you (hopefully) never grab the wrong one again.

  78. I’m pretty sure me & the hubs accidentally ate our fortunes from our P.F. Chang’s fortune cookies. So yeah, don’t eat in the dark at the theater it makes the people around you irritable and you might accidentally eat paper.

  79. Ewwww! Easy mistake though given your late night. I once put diaper rash cream on my toothbrush during the sleep deprived first year of being a mom. Luckily I caught the mistake as I wet the toothbrush down and read the label of the tube next to the sink…

    I hope your daughter feels better soon and that your week improves.

  80. Ok, so today i accidentley brushed my teeth with after hair dye conditioner in a tube! Hang in there, we can get through this!!

  81. this may or may not be why I now eat cereal dry … or on top of yogurt. 🙂

    hope your daughter is feeling better! nights at the hospital are no fun.

  82. 1. Egg whites have no taste. 2. That is not a half gallon, it is a quart; we have those here in the US of A because we use them to make brownies, cakes, and cookies more “healthy”. 3. A cereal and egg white omelet would be kinda icky, but not terrible. Depending on the cereal, you could douse it with cheese or jelly to make it more palatable. All that being said, we have all done something similar (see all posts before mine) and I love and admire your courage in posting this to the world.

  83. I arrived at work this morning with a black, pink, and white hearts and x/o bra on with a white tank top. Luckily before I made it in the door I looked down and noticed it, I had to turn around and go back home and change rather than risk the shame at the office.

  84. Get some sleep and your week will get a start over. That’s what happens when you stay up all night. You get a clean start and your luck changes. I hope your daughter recovers quickly.

  85. I accidentally poured Coke in my cereal in college and ate it anyway. I have no excuse………. that I’m willing to share!

    Hope your daughter gets well soon and you get some sleep!

  86. Made me snort out loud! Reminds me of the time we ran out of coffee creamer and my husband ignorantly thought he could substitute Enfamil. Talk about a rude awakening! LOL.

  87. When my daughter was just a babe, and had kept me up all night, I was finally getting ready for bed. She was asleep, so I didn’t want to make a sound or turn on a light unless it was absolutely necessary. I went into the bathroom, and prepared to brush my teeth. I raised the toothbrush to my mouth and opened wide. Thank Glob I didn’t stick it in my mouth. I’d put A&D ointment on the brush, and smelled it before I tried to brush my teeth with it. This is why I keep a large stash of spare toothbrushes on hand.

    I almost did something similar last week (without the excuse of an infant daughter to make me delusional, since she’s 12 now). I came THIS CLOSE to brushing my teeth with sunscreen.

  88. I seriously can’t even imagine how revolting that must be. Want to vomit now.
    Whenever I see cartons of egg whites, I think of Nora Ephron and her great quote “As you age, live life to the fullest. Travel to exotic places, eat good food, walk in the park, read lots of books and under no circumstances eat egg-white omelets.”

  89. In a 36 hour period, my dog rolled in rotten fish, I destroyed my MacBook and I got into a fender bender. I was SO ready to quit life. Shit happens, and it sucks. You’re not alone. You should treat yourself.

  90. Oh man I would have vomited. Egg whites gross me out for some reason. Just thinking of them make me gag.

    Speaking of vomiting the dog vomited on the floor this morning right where the cat vomited the night before. That’s how my weeks going.

    I hope Hailey’s feeling better.

  91. I’ve definitely done this. Luckily I noticed before I drank my coffee. I’m all for sneaking in extra protein, but… ew.

  92. If it should make you feel any better, my dad once brushed his teeth with vagisil instead of toothpaste…I’m sure he would’ve rather had the egg whites in his cereal any day.

  93. Oh, why bother trying to drowned out the drunks? I see a story in there somewhere. It’s like “If you give a mouse a cookie”…only more like “if you give a drunk a chainsaw”. Lessons. Life lessons.

  94. A shotload of salt in my Hot Chocolate instead of sugar.

    Thank God I didn’t accidentally use the cocaine!

    I’m just kidding!

    ….

  95. That is a SHITLOAD of egg whites. Wow. And the blame for the mistake falls solely on HEB for making the packaging for the two so similar. Especially since the time when you are most likely to need one or the other is in the morning before your brain has fully awakened (or after taking care of a super-sick kid for days on end).

  96. Egg whites in a carton? Never heard about that before, but I can all too easily imagine the taste of it on cereal… Yuck!

  97. What were you going to do with the eggwhites? I’m British. It’s such an alien concept to have so many of them…

    I hope your daughter’s feeling way better now.

  98. Oh wow! I’m glad your daughter is home and feeling better (sucks hard when kids get sick). And yuck, egg whites! Well, at least you got a bit of protein.. no wait, that’s the yolk… ick anyway!

  99. I think you get to wash your mouth out with ice cream, when that happens. Hope your little one feels better soon.

  100. I’ve nearly poured orange juice into cereal… but probably my worst fail was when I was tired, I was making scrambled eggs for breakfast and seasoned it with sugar instead of salt. Oops.

  101. I once drank vinegar from a bottle thinking it was wine. In my defense, I was a bit desperate and the bottle was super fancy.

  102. An old friend ate an entire bowl of cereal once and was like, “Man, I can’t believe how full I am after eating a bowl of Cheerios.” I then went to the refrigerator and pulled out a container and asked, “Did you use this ‘milk’?” He replied “Yes” and I politely informed him that he had just consumed an entire cup of heavy cream. Not egg whites but still pretty nasty.

  103. First, hoping that Hailey is healing. Second, I’ve tried to scramble coffee creamer. I was going for EggBeaters but grabbed the quart of creamer instead. You have to start all over with a clean frying pan when you do that, btw.

  104. Not so long ago I decided to boil water for tea. The kettle was empty. In a state of extreme sleep exhaustion (coupled with general stupidity on my part), I filled the kettle with grapefruit juice. Warm grapefruit juice (I caught my mistake before it boiled) isn’t very good.

    I also poured coffee on my oatmeal – which, to be honest, was actually pretty good.

  105. On the bright-ish side, you don’t need protein anymore this morning…so, there’s that…

  106. What kind of cereal? Are you sure it was cereal…? Hope your kiddo is getting all better. And have a better week!

  107. My dear husband dropped a shot of rum into what he *thought* was eggnog. It was buttermilk. He spent WAY TOO LONG trying to figure out how to get his rum back.

  108. I hope Hailey is feeling better.

    I once drank vinegar instead of juice. The sad thing is the the bottles don’t even look the same so there really was no excuse for killing my organs with acid.

    At least there’s nutritional value in egg whites, right?

  109. Rumor has it, my dad once confused a tube of canestin for a tube of tooth paste, and a bottle of peroxide for a bottle of beer.

    After that, I hope your week goes better and that Hailey gets better soon!

    less than 3! (<3)

  110. that is the largest container of egg whites i’ve ever seen! and it’s no wonder you made the mistake.

    i hope haley feels better soon.

  111. yep..shit happens…overandover again. one day you’ll find you have put the egg whites in the cabinet with the can goods or unload groceries and leave your wallet in the freezer..so sucks!! gone for days

  112. oh my! that is horrible. If it makes you feel any better I just went to BBQ my lunch and there was a baby squirrel inside. Thank goodness I didn’t turn the gas on yet. Scared the life out of me!

  113. Sharpie: “NOT THE MILK” “THIS ONE IS THE MILK” Seriously, it’s what I would do.

  114. Ugh! Just thinking about that makes me gag. If they’re going to put egg whites in a carton, they should make it very clear what it is. I hope your daughter is feeling better!

  115. First, may I say that you have a very clean fridge. W00t!

    I once spooned salt into my Earl Grey tea. (To be fair, my motherinlaw makes pickles, so her salt jar is bigger than my mother’s sugar jar.)
    But the worst is from my husband’s friend who – I kid you not – got Ambesol and Anusol mixed up.
    As my husband said, his teeth still hurt, and his lips got REALLY SMALL.

    But oh you silly Europeans – what you’re missing is right there somewhere. I ran a Google search on “liquid egg whites” and found companies making it in the UK and Italy before I stopped looking. (Iin Italy the “albumeno liquido” comes in bottles that looks like lemon-soda syrup. Possibly worse combos possible.) 😉

  116. I put bad milk in my coffee this morning, drank it anyway. Now I am having,er, digestive issues and I have a job interview in an hour. Classy. Wish me luck.

  117. I have had the same kind of week!!! Including finding the dead turtle that had been missing for weeks. Wouldn’t want to add that to your collection would you? lol

  118. Omg gross. You poor dear. And I woke up this morning with what appear to be mosquito bites on my arms and shoulder. Awesome. Either that or we have some sort of horrible infestation. I’m hoping it’s mosquitoes…

  119. Not a diss on you, but no way could I ever be so tired as to have not noticed I was pouring egg whites and not milk. #reason500iamamorningperson

  120. It seems like there is a lot of it going around. I hope she is feeling better and that you don’t get salmonella. Which I still think should come from fish not chicken.

  121. Last week I was getting myself a snack of chips an a glass of pop. I had put my empty glass on the counter next to my full glass of chips and ended up pouring my diet Pepsi into the chip bowl. A few weeks earlier I got a scoop of dog food for the dog and dumped it into the garbage can. We could start another type of club. 🙂

  122. I recently made a rice pudding with salt instead of sugar. Very disappointing. Even worse was realising it was actually me who had put the salt in the sugar container.

  123. You haven’t really lived until you’ve used a tube of athletic deep heat rub, while drunk, in the dark, thinking it was KY jelly.

    Just sayin’.

  124. Mmm slimy cereal. I’ve been there. I’ve made the mistake of putting my glass of orange juice too near to the paintbrush water when I let the kids waterpaint. It might be “non-toxic” but it tastes like crap.

  125. Aw man, how’s your little one after her night at the ER spa? Egg whites on cereal? That’ll cut down on seconds:)

  126. Jeezus, woman! How many meringue pies do you (lovingly) bake in a week that you need an entire carton of egg whites?

    And if you tell me you use them in place of real eggs Imavomit right here.

    Glad that baby girl is okay, but I’d keep those egg whites away from her unless they’ve been whipped into submission with some sugar.

  127. I spent yesterday in the ER too. Do not get into an altercation with an electric hedger it will stab and mangle you. You will need stiches.

  128. Now I want almond milk.

    My week has been going that way, too, and it’s only Tuesday, right?

    I hope she feels better soon.

  129. I was about to make a snobby comment about eating ‘eggs’ from a carton (how is that POSSIBLE???) but I figured I better not be a dumb-ass and talk shit about things I don’t know anything about, so I Googled and I’llbedamned if I couldn’t find anything negative about egg-whites in a carton. I might have to start buying that! 🙂 (But I won’t pour it on my cereal *GAG*)

  130. I’m pretty sure in the UK egg whites don’t come in cartons. They come in eggs.

    Hope Hailey’s feeling better soon & your week gets better.

  131. My mother once mixed the “refill concentrate” type fabric softener containers in a milk jug to save money. My grandfather found what appeared to be a gallon of milk in the laundry room and helpfully put it in the fridge. Cue me making a mint chocolate chipice cream and fabric softener milkshake later that day. 😛 The worst part is that I was 3 or 4 sips into it before I figured it out. At first I thought the cup just hadn’t been cleaned well and had dish detergent residue. More than two decades later my husband still loves to mock me for this story.

  132. So sory your little girl isn’t well. Hopefully she’s on the mend!! That is one HUGE ASS carton of egg whites!!! It is true then….I read that everything IS bigger in Texas!!! May your week get better!!!!!!!!!

  133. Just remembered – hungover, 18 & on holiday in Malia, my best friend & I grabbed a couple of glasses from the kitchen table and poured ourselves some orange juice. Half an hour later, all orange juice drunk, 3rd friend wakes up and asks “have you seen my contact lenses? I could have sworn i left them in a couple of glasses on the kitchen table…”

  134. I guess I’m weird, but my regular weekday breakfast is rolled oats (uncooked) with raw egg whites (from the carton) and a little splenda and cinnamon mixed in. I love it!

  135. First – I hope your girly-swirly is feeling better.
    Second – Gag!
    Third – What is with the vat of eggs? I don’t think I’ve ever seen 1/2 gallons of egg whites – quarts are the biggest I’ve seen and pints are the largest I’ve ever purchased (for me, this is like that way-too-big-for-what-it-is shock one has at Sams or Costco when you see the 7lb can of tuna), so I just have a hard time imagining what is done with so much egg? Is Beyonce a prolific producer of cartonized egg whites?
    Four – I sure hope you get some sleep and never. ever. put egg whites in your cereal (unintentionally) again. Blech!

  136. I hope H (and you) are feeling better and perhaps you want to buy multiple LITTLE cartons of egg whites rather than the milk sized carton.

  137. I once grabbed my husband’s cereal bowl that he used that morning because I didn’t want to make another dish dirty since we were going out of town. About 3 bites in I noticed a giant glob in with the cereal and realized that he had hocked a loogie into the bowl. It took awhile to stop dry heaving. I imagine that the egg whites looked very similar.

  138. Well at least you got your protein in. And you are still ahead of a woman I just saw walk out of the SF Federal building who was reading a paper with her head down and walked into a steel pole. She went down big time.

  139. Not quite as gross – But I was sooo tired that I once put French Vanilla Creamer (from the plastic bottle, not even the 1/2 gallon kind) on my cereal. Not to bad, but the sugar rush was unreal. Hope your week goes better!

  140. I once got my Dry Idea roll-on deodorant mixed up with my Icy Hot roll-on. That did not feel good, for many many hours.

  141. Tried to sweeten my yogurt with stevia, pretty sure I used my son’s melatonin instead. So I feel your pain on that.

    Was so glad to see that Hailey got to go home last night. Hope she’s feeling better.

  142. Best to Hailey.

    This should be stern lesson for her to never use the public health system unless she is MUCH older and drunk.

    Or her Mom is.

    On Egg Whites and Jello Tequila Shooters, most likely.

  143. Haha, shame that sucks.

    Also you can buy egg whites in a carton? 0.o
    and almond milk? o.0
    I don’t think we get either of those things here in the third world…

    Anyway I hope the rest of your week is better. *hugs*

  144. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s confused by egg whites in a container.
    I haven’t mixed up breakfast items but I have tried to wash my hair with body wash on a number of occassions and set the burgler alarm when people are actually still at home.

  145. Never think of these things as crises. Think of them a humor-tunities. It’s how you’re hard-wired….to go with the flow and run away with these.

    Everything is fodder.

  146. Oh my god! I needed that! I haven’t laughed so hard in ages…um…not at you, darling…WITH you, of course… Hope your Boo is feeling better.

  147. OMG How did you not immediately throw up?? raw egg whites are SO gaggy already, let alone poured on your frosted flakes…. *squishy hugs*

  148. Well it is only Tuesday which means the week can improve but I’m with you on this weeks forecast. :/
    What happened that you and mini-jenny were in the ER??? Is she ok??? Can I stress the question more with a crazy amount of “?”?????? 🙂

    Plus side…you just made quite a few person’s day even week by this post…so silver lining????????????? <~~~see what I did there??????????????

    Keep us posted.

  149. PEOPLE!! That’s only a QUART carton of egg whites!!

    And for the lactose intolerant among us, almond milk has been a GODSEND. Tastes SO much better than soy!! And without the nagging estrogen like crap that’s in large amounts of soy.

  150. Could have been worse, it could have been Rat Poison. It looks just like Skinny and Sweet except for the little skulls and cross bones on the side……or so they say.

  151. My allergies are kicking my ass today, forcing me to take some benadryl. I think I should have dealt with the allergies. In other words, I totally feel your pain on how your day is going.

  152. my company has little spray bottle hand sanitizers and last month we put them on the tables for a luncheon, before we could stop him, a grown man sprayed it in his mouth………

    If you live in Houston, dont they have that company with the really cool glass milk bottles, little extra but would keep you from “rocky fying” your cereal with raw eggs.

  153. Oh my goodness, you had a busy night! I hope you give yourself a break this weekend and take some time for yourself- you deserve it!

  154. I read your book and it really cheered me up. Just like this post. You have answered the question I have been asking for years! Am I the only person on the planet who is this screwed up? I’m having a debate in my own head as normal people walk by looking NORMAL. I’m in pain a good bit of the time yet my coworkers trudge into work everyday with seemingly no such issues. Your book proves to me I am NORMAL and everyone else has the same question and their own pain. Also the fact I too have pondered the great Christ Zombie debate, and water squirrels.

  155. It seems completely sadistic to package egg whites in a half-n-half container. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

  156. That had to be a shock. I wonder if it would have been better to actually gulp bad milk down or the egg whites. Of course I think for me, egg whites. I went through a phase in the 80s where I dressed for a whole summer in sweat pants and t-shirts, working out furiously to become a boxer, just like Rocky Balboa (from the movie), that included waking up early every morning and gulping down a full glass of raw eggs… whites and yellows included. Mmmmmm. Needless to say it was only a Summer, and in my defense I did not have a girl-friend at the time…

  157. From now on when someone asks me how I can eat cereal dry I’m going to respond, “I never have to worry about accidentally pouring egg whites on it.”

    I hope Hailey is feeling better. And, you know, that you didn’t make her breakfast too.

  158. I’m hoping your little one is feeling better now! 🙁 But reading these comments with horror stories is quite hilarious…I’ve never actually done anything quite like egg whites on cereal. *blorf*

  159. See? If those had included the egg yolks, then you woulda noticed. Don’t segregate the egg or consequences ensue. 😉

  160. Hey, who hasn’t poured egg whites on their cereal before?!
    I say that to make you feel better, but I really had no clue there was such a thing as a carton o’ egg whites.
    So, that’s probably not very helpful.

    However, I did just receive my copy of your book in the mail today! Be happy that more people are absorbing your glorious stories and increasing your income! Just don’t buy another carton of egg whites. They sound gross. And not compatible with cereal.

  161. the coke might have tasted better, however, i have spent many nights in emergency and know the next morning is pretty blotchy, so, understand completely how the egg whites got mixed in.

  162. I don’t know if this is just as bad, if not worse. When I was in college, I think one of my junior or senior years (I made the most of my undergraduate decade), I was exhausted from exams and working in the darkroom getting my photography portfolio together for a final critique and decided to go to the D-hall for dinner. It was a rather warm spring, so I thought a big salad from the salad bar would be good. The last meal had been the previous day’s lunch so I was really piling it on. After I put the last topping I thought some Thousand Island dressing would be just what the salad needed. Unfortunately what I thought had been Thousand Island dressing turned out to be butterscotch pudding. Since it was one of those visit once type deals, I salvaged what I could. I tell you butterscotch pudding does not complement cottage cheese, onions or beet slices.

  163. Hugs to you. Your baby in the hospital is the worst thing possible. The egg whites….well, that’s a pretty good second.

  164. Um…
    I am laughing.
    And I am horribly, horribly ashamed of myself for laughing, and sorry for laughing, and yet…
    still laughing.

    You make me feel normal.

  165. Good thing you are coming to Canada. I’ve never seen egg whites in that large of a container. You NEVER would have made that mistake here!

    Hoping Hailey is all better now.

  166. Well why would the idiot fake egg makers put their product in a rip off milk carton? Why cant they come up with their own carton design, it cant be that hard. Maybe a round container so it looks more like an egg. If they are going to use milk cartons then go all the way, maybe put photos of lost chickens on it. It could read: Henrietta was last seen crossing the road, if you have any clues on her whereabouts please contact 1-888-CLUCKING.

  167. I’ve never done that, but I have sprinkled powdered coffee creamer onto my lasagna.

  168. Hi,
    Here are the book club questions you requested. The members of my book club said that you requested them. They said it’s on your blog. I am too lazy to read through the whole blog and find where you actually said “Hey, send in any ideas you have for book club questions” so I am commenting here because it is convenient for me. I figure you can’t really complain seeing as how you were too lazy to put discussion questions at the end of your book yourself.

    From CHiLLS meeting July 2012 (Chestnut Hill Literary and Libationary Society)

    1. There is a secret word in the book. What is it?
    When someone says “Snausages” then ask What is the REAL secret word. When someone says “Fork” you laugh and point and say there really isn’t a secret word. Now the discussion is off and running.
    2. What is one thing that would be on your list of “Things Most People Have Never Experienced or Could Have Even Possible Imagined but That Totally Happened to Me”? Some good ones from our group: Knowing someone who chews on their tonails – carries chewed off nail with them and saves it on their knee while dining for after dinner chewing. Being attacked by a Thrasher in a park across from a psychiatric hospital while construction workers looked on. Being forced by ones mother to apologize to inanimate objects.
    3. Have you ever worn bread sack shoes? Anything just as resourceful?
    One person had this experience but with baggies and rubber bands. They are from the Midwest.
    4. The author’s marriage proposal was unique in that it “ended with us (them) both needing tetanus shots. Please share unique marriage proposals here.
    5. In demonstrating how her husband’s parents view her with “politeness and bafflement” she compares herself to a neck tattoo that reads “Make me some basketti”. If your in-laws saw you as a tattoo, what would it read?
    6) If you had a giant labia, what would you use it for?
    One of our members actually has a giant labia and it causes problems with finding underwear that fit. Also she can’t skinny dip because of the fish. A consensus was found among group members that a giant labia would resemble a manta ray.
    7. Does anyone wish our hostess had the forethought to serve us tempting bowls of vagina popcorn?
    No one did.
    8. Define and discuss the difference between a chupacabra and a chalupa (page 228). (Hint: Chalupas are delicious).
    9. On page 215 the author states the warning label for her RA read “Holy shit Motherfucker. You are going to Fucking Die”. In her head it sounded like Samuel L. Jackson. Would you like to hear Samuel L. Jackson read a bedtime story featuring the F word? The meeting was concluded with someone downloading SLJ reading “Go the Fuck to Sleep”.

    Additional notes about our meeting: Members were encouraged to yell “Knock, knock Motherfucker” upon entering the hostess’ home. Also, members became so intoxicated that sometime around 2AM they went online and ordered 10 tickets to the Barry Manilow concert scheduled for the upcoming weekend. The concert was cancelled.

  169. I know how you feel. Not to one-up you or anything, but my insurance company sent me to San Antonio, TX for my 9 month old daughter. When we got there, we found out that the clinic we were told to see doesn’t even exist. Now that that is figured out, she has been living there for the past two days, and who knows when we will leave. My two boys and I are in a hotel while my wife and daughter are in the hospital (the hotel is on the west side of town, the hospital on the east because we booked a hotel neat a clinic that doesn’t exist!) It’s an easy 30-45 minute drive each way!

  170. I hope your little one feels better!!!

    Egg whites remind me of snot… I seriously won’t be able to eat cereal for a week!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  171. Have you ever knocked out the power to 4 of your neighbors’ houses and your own by blowing the transformer at the street in an effort to de-stink an area of the carpet the cat decided to use as a litter box? Ah, that was a fun night.

  172. OMG, Jenny. I think this is your fault:
    Tagline: “Urbanites are rediscovering the Victorian pastime of stuffing animal carcasses. What’s behind this morbid fascination?”
    (http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/07/dead-mouse-walking-new-yorkers-revive-the-creepy-art-of-taxidermy/260554/)

    There’s only one possible answer. It’s your fault.

    (p.s. I’d have emailed this to you or something, but I can’t find any contact info on your blog that isn’t for advertising, and honestly I don’t get twitter. So hopefully you actually see this.)

  173. Thank you for giving me an eternal excuse to never by egg whites in a carton. I would absolutely do that same thing.

  174. My fiancee’s grandfather drinks buttermilk (like, out of a glass), and last time we were at their house I accidentally poured that instead of half-and-half into my coffee. It was…disgusting… And the worst part is, I kept drinking it so I wouldn’t look rude. I have self-esteem issues or something!
    Just wanted to let you know you are not the only one =)

  175. On the plus side… your book was fucking hilarious… I got the audio book yesterday and loved every second. You rock my world. Sorry your kid was sick and you drank egg whites. Could have been worse… could have been egg yolks. Also… nice to see you buy the generic HEB brand. That’s true Texas there…

  176. my mom did that once sort of. She got up in the middle of the night to take a swig of chocolate milk. she opened the bottle and tipped it up to her mouth and got a mouthful of homemade bbq sauce. lmao

  177. I’m from New Zealand and the fact that you can buy egg whites in a carton BLOWS MY FREAKING MIND.

  178. While reading this, I took a swig out of the nearest be-strawed fast food cup. Only after I fully swallowed did I realize the contents of the cup were over three weeks old, and probably root beer or diet coke, but in their present state… something far more sinister.

  179. I thought mistakenly putting salt, instead of sugar, in my coffee was bad. The egg whites are definitely worse-though, in a carton, really? It’s like they’re setting you up for that!

    Hope Haley is feeling better and not to traumatized by her fellow patients. 🙂

  180. You were lucky, it was a non-visibe mistake in a non-public place. My personal worst was putting my slip on over my skirt. And not noticing until I was halfway across the church parking lot. Chronic insomnia doesn’t mix well with Easter Sunday Sunrise Service.

  181. It’s better than it actually being spoiled milk, right? LOL

    I hope your daughter gets better soon. I hated watching my girl in the hospital. Twice was enough for me. (NICU for 18 days at birth and pneumonia/RSV when she was 4 years old)

  182. I once bought body lotion thinking it was a bottle of liquid body wash – couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t lather…
    I’m also notorious for grabbing the conditioner bottle instead of the shampoo bottle in the shower. Mornings should come with a rewind button.

  183. I hope your little angels are all good now. The idea of having egg whites in a carton is pretty weird. Lol I would love to buy one out of curiosity 🙂

  184. When I was very young I woke up very thirsty in the middle of the night one night. I woke my father and asked if I could have a drink. He blearily opened the fridge once we got to the kitchen, and handed me a glass bottle that had a label of some sort of juice or sports drink, and told me to drink it. I took a sip, and it was TERRIBLE I told him so, he said, “No it’s just a flavored drink, have some more” so I took another sip. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted. I told him I didn’t want any more, and he grumpily put it back in the fridge and sent me back to bed. We found out the next morning it was castor oil my mother had been taking, as she was pregnant and 2 weeks past her due date…I can STILL remember the flavor and slimy texture of it to this day…not a pleasant thing when you just want some water.

  185. OK, now that I know I’m not alone, I feel somewhat better about giving my daughter chili toast instead of cinnamon toast…

  186. If it makes you feel any better, I just bought your book….and a friend of mine used preperationH instead of toothpaste one time. Hope your daughter is better!

  187. Okay, I totally get making that mistake. Except, ummm…how the heck do you get TWO bites into it before you realize that??????

  188. Oh yuck! I once brushed my teeth with some kind of men’s hair cream in a tube. And when I was in the second grade and my sister in kindergarden, my mother gave us Screwdrivers with our breakfast because they were in a pitcher identical to the plain orange juIce and sitting right next to it in the refrigerator. When we complained it tasted funny she told us to quit complaining and drink our orange juice, then sent us off to school. I guess in those days Child Services didn’t disapprove of sending your children to school drunk. My poor mother was horrified when she realized what she’d done, but we never let her live it down.

  189. So I didn’t eat anything, and my mix-up is totally my mom’s fault.
    I woke one morning after house sitting for my parents and went to put my contacts in. Got the saline solution bottle out, put it in my contact. Then put my contact into my eye, only to have a horrible burning sensation. Pried my eye open to get my contact out. Called my mother immediately to ask her what the hell was in that bottle.
    Toner. She put toner in the saline bottle for easier travel when camping, and put it in the medicine cabinet next to the real saline bottle.
    On the plus side, my eye felt much cleaner after the burning stopped.
    Mornings are not for the faint of heart.

  190. one time , not so long ago i came across a dish with corn starch and a bit of water. i was not sure what it was so I tasted it ….i learned one should not eat things that are unidentified

  191. I still find the idea that you can even get egg whites pre separated over there very odd. Isn’t half the fun picking out the bits of shell when you’ve failed to make a clean break then done that funny shifting the yolk from one half to the other thing?
    I can’t judge however. I came perilously close to putting hair gel on my toothbrush this morning.

  192. Blame Mercury… it’s in retrograde and everything is seriously bass ackwards.

  193. Aww poor little girl. Sounds like the plight of many a parent who has gone with no sleep. Being a parent myself, with two little ones, a tech expert and columnist. It’s a wonder I have done worse. I use this great app to help with my grocery shopping list

    in the days when you could survive with merely a toothbrush and a change of underwear, you could hop in the car and get on the road. These days, if you’re anything like us you would forget one of your kids if they aren’t on the pack list. Yet getting the troops to participate in packing is a hassle when there’s one master list. Remember the Milk is a cool way to make a virtual list of everything you need to do, or bring with you. Create a list through the website, or with your Smartphone, and share it across your devices. You can update it from anywhere. This is the easiest way to hand out a packing list to every family member, and get real time updates on who forgot to pack socks.

  194. Gross! I put squeeze cold cream on my toothbrush once. Try getting that out of your mouth!

  195. Dearest Bloggess,

    1. What scenario requires egg whites in such a rush they need to be pre-packaged?
    2. If they must be pre-packaged, why in such a large container?
    3. If they are pre-packaged, I’m pretty sure they’re not using real eggs
    4. What’s wrong with real eggs?

    Love
    Concerned in Australia

  196. Something just wrong about egg whites in a carton, not in little creamy speckled oval shells. Some of our eggs in Australia even have smiley face stamped on them.

  197. Wow, Niven… the first 3 comments! You go girl! Also… This post makes me sick. I was just talking last night with my mom about runny eggs and how badly they gross me out. This is worse.

  198. Next week will be better if this one isn’t – you’ll be here, in Toronto!
    Until then, don’t scramble your cereal!

  199. The. Hell? Who gets egg whites out of a carton. It’s disturbing and unnatural. What do the chickens look like? And what did they do with the yolks?

  200. I would just take heart that your web audience now knows that your fridge is really clean. 🙂 (Also, I miss HEB so much. I wish they would build some in Dallas–I have to get my fix when I visit my parents in Fredericksburg.)

  201. Wow – that’s what my fridge looks like, exactly – Almond Milk, Egg Whites and Diet Coke. Although, now I’m thinking that the egg whites totally need to step away from the Almond Milk because, after pushing the brew button on my Keurig last week without a coffee cup on there to catch the coffee last week, it’s obvious that I cannot be trusted in the morning.

  202. My partner grabbed the wrong container this morning when she was baking banana muffins while I was out. She put icing sugar in the mix instead of flour. I came home to a hysterical woman and a house full of smoke seeing as they boiled all over the oven and burst into flames.

  203. “I spent last night in the hospital with my seven-year-old (who had an infection) reading loudly to her to drown out the noise of the drunk, screamy people being taken from the ambulances next door.”
    Who hasn’t been there? Hospitals – and parenthood in general – can be a blast at times, right?

  204. Clearly the packaging’s fault.

    You should start a new campaign to make HEB change the labeling to include a giant caution band around the carton that reads “This is not Milk” or “Product not intended for use in breakfast cereal”

  205. OMG! Not only do I love you because you are hilarious, a Texan, and the best come-back thinker upper there is (yes, I just said that, deal), but you ALSO have HEB stuff in your fridge!! Oh how I miss home!!!

    BTW, I wonder if Butt Park is owned by the Butt Family (you know, the HEB Butt family)? Hmmm…. Pondering thoughts.

  206. Egg whites in a carton is very funny. I guess it’s better than confusing the haemorrhoid tube for the toothpaste.

    Eat the yolks.

  207. If I ate milk in my cereal I would have to give it up now, I keep making cat coughing up a hairball noises, thank you. And even while you are being fully disgusting, you are completely awesome. I hope things have improved since this moment.

  208. I’m more disturbed by the fact you have egg whites that come in cartons!!!!

    Yes I realize this is late but I am reading back!

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