Victor doesn’t understand family dynamics

Conversation between my husband and me:

Victor:  What the hell is this?

me:  It’s a globe.  It’s literally been there for years.

Victor:  No.  I mean the thing in front of the globe.  The thing that looks like it wants to eat my face when I sleep.

me:  Oh.  That’s an antique alligator baby in a tutu.

Victor:  Okay…why?

me:  My sister sent it to me.  It’s like the white swan in that Natalie Portman ballerina movie.  But with less bulimia.

Victor:  And why – and I already regret asking – why doesn’t she have any hands?

me:  My sister has hands.

Victor:  The alligator.  Why doesn’t the alligator have hands?

me:  Oh.  I think they were eaten off in a former life, but OMG…THAT’S THE BEST PART.

Victor:  Not having any hands is the best part?  I’m questioning all of your goals now.

me:  No, the best part is that my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY.  I mean…what are the odds?

Victor:  Um…what?

me:  They found it at a flea market.  See…IT’S A PURSE..

Victor:  It’s a purse…MADE OUT OF A HAND.

me:  And it’s awesome because vintage alligator skin purses are probably crazy expensive but they got it super cheap because I guess the vendor didn’t realize it was real alligator.

Victor:  Or because IT’S A FUCKING HAND.  YOU HAVE A HAND FOR A PURSE.

me:  You should see the coin purse.

Victor: Stop.

me:  It’s half of a frog.

Victor:  You need help.  You and your whole family.

me:  I think the real problem here is that you just don’t understand family dynamics.

Victor:  No, I think the real problem is that that you have a hand for a purse.

me:  It’s awesome because when I put my hand in the purse it becomes a really fucked up glove.  I just need to find another one to have a matched set.

Victor:  And that’s why you’re never allowed to go shopping alone again.

372 thoughts on “Victor doesn’t understand family dynamics

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG! This is the baby alligator that was holding up the lamp in To The Manor Born! It’s little hands are still attached to the lamp. I’m sure of it. They just ripped it off that lamp. See 6.26 seconds in.

  2. You are *the best* at putting together sentences with words that just don’t belong together in sentences.

  3. I’m a guy and I would totally wear that purse daily. Actually I would probably use it at work during meetings to point things out.

  4. You make my day, Jenny. I never find cool stuff like alligator hand purses when I got flea marketing. I did find a red butted baboon which was totally creepy. Like, get that butt away from me, dude!

  5. Seriously, what are the odds of your family members being in sync like that?

    Maybe after 20-997 more years of marriage, Victor will start to think like you. Or at least start to anticipate how you think…

    MAYBE.

  6. You seriously have the coolest family ever. By the time your daughter is an adult, she will be so full of coolness no one will be able to handle it.

    I LOVE YOU

  7. She’s missing her hands because she chews her fingernails. Chewed her fingernails. A dangerous habit indeed when you’re an alligator. And of course she chewed her fingernails because she was nervous. Because, of course, who wouldn’t be. I chew my fingernails before major world debuts of my tutu-encased awesomeness too.

  8. After reading your blog for the past year or so, I was suddenly hit with a brilliant way to test whether or not I was marrying the right man. On my lunch hour I called John and asked what he would do if I began collecting oddly taxidermied animals and dressing them up in adorable clothing. His response, after a few seconds of making sure he heard me right, was to declare that he would build me shelves for them, but only if he could help me name them.
    Win.

  9. Wear the purse hand to bed tonight. Start shaking people’s hands with it. I bet it would help while swimming, too. When walking in dark alleys at night (sounds like something you would do) you can reach your hand into your purse…and not take anything out. Because you already have a set of alligator claws on your hand to screw up someone’s face with.

  10. “You need help. You and your whole family.” Bahahahaha! Oh Jenny. THANK YOU. Thank you for being you. I made my friend listen to your audio book while we were driving together for five hours and there were a couple of times I was afraid he was going to crash from laughing. Also, I read this in public. Why do I always think it’s not going to be embarrassing to read you in public? It always is.

  11. That purse could literally save your life! If you were wearing that on your hand (and who wouldn’t, besides Victor and most of Texas) and you encountered a dangerous person , like say I don’t know, a member of PETA, you could take them down with that hand. Someone could say to you, “Need a hand?” and you could say, “No thank you I got one.” And BAM, SLASH, BOOM, end of story, except for the Blogging about how they went down. Victor needs to write your parents a thank you note. Your sister however….totally strange.

  12. Sometimes I wonder how much of these conversations are true. I mean, there has to be embellishments somewhere, but I just can’t determine what’s a real embellishment and what isn’t. I think that’s a compliment.

  13. While the baby alligator technically doesn’t have hooks for hands (a requirement to win at parenting), I still say it is a parenting fail as it has no hands.

  14. That hand purse is pretty creepy. Apparently Victor still doesn’t get you after all these years. Well, at least you can get another book out of it. 🙂

  15. I feel like the alligator in a tutu needs a little ballerina type flowered head wreath just to finish the whole thing off. People just have no taste I mean really! What’s not to love?

  16. This is seriously the best thing I’ve read in a really, really long time. I am totally freaked out by the fact that there’s such thing as an alligator hand purse, but it fits you perfectly.

    Love the post … jury’s still out on the purse.

  17. I am reeling. To think I bought a bag yesterday and wondered if it was too off the wall – because it was pale lemon and that’s not really an autumn colour…
    I am in your thrall.

  18. To Sharon (#16): Ha ha *snort* This is the comment all other commenters must best.

    The Bloggess is awesome but so are her readers/commenters. They (YOU) are the reason this site is a time-sink. Takes just a minute to read the post; takes a loooooooong time to read and savor every delicious comment.

  19. and to think we have a baby alligator purse with the face as the clasp from cleaning out grandma’s house that we have no idea what to do with.. honestly… we’d like to trash it.. but it feels wrong.

  20. My father-in-law is a long haul trucker and recently told my husband he picked up two alligator heads for our boys. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. We’re saving them for Christmas. The alligator purse could be worse. It could be a hat. Or a bowl, with lacquer on it so your food doesn’t taste like gator. :-/

  21. This just made my day. However I didn’t even notice the lack of hands. There was just too much going on already for me to process I guess. Lol.

  22. There are just not words for your awesomeness! (Even though I’m no longer allowed to read your taxidermy themed blogs when hubby’s around…he’s terrified I’m going to pick up a ne hobby!)

  23. What you really need is a sword with an alligator eye in the hilt, because then you’d a friggin’ Alligator Lion-O. And I will be KEV-RA, the Ever Punning! And we will be mortal enemies, true, but it’s worth it because we have a commitment to the bit.

  24. I was helping my Granny dig something out of the back of her closet a couple of years ago and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw a head looking at me. I realized it wasn’t moving at all so I pulled it out to see what it was. She had a purse made out of a WHOLE alligator. The nose (snout? mouth?) folded over to close the purse between the back feet. The front feet were on the back side of it. She got this in Miami in the 1940s, and said there were matching shoes she wore with it.

  25. Hah, I bet the purse will keep pickpockets away!

    By the way, I can’t eat or drink anything while reading your book because I end up laughing until I snort it out of my nose. The food and drinks, that is. Not the book.

  26. THAT’S why you’re not allowed to go shopping alone? You didn’t even buy that slightly creepy hand! Clearly he’s forgotten about Beyonce.

  27. Your not going shopping will not save him. Your sis sent the ballerina, your parents sent the purse/glove, and you have an ARMY of people who would send you the matching hand, should one of us find it. (Sorry Victor, you’re just hosed on this one.) My hubby doesn’t understand Abalone Jesus, or Mary Mother of Pearl, but there’s only two of them and they’re small…

  28. I think my Kid gave you that coin purse at the Seattle book signing….she got it as a gift and felt she was totally unworthy of it, it screamed JENNY LAWSON!

  29. You would think, by now, that Victor would just throw his hands up and go with it, instead of questioning every dead, stuffed thing that comes into the house. Maybe if he had tiny baby alligator hands, he could throw those up. Maybe that’s what he’s waiting for. Someone needs to find those baby alligator hands- Victor’s sanity may depend on them!

  30. What I do not understand is why you are not allowed to go shopping any more, when both the alligatorina and the “let me give you a hand” purse were GIFTS. I would think that the ban would be on receiving gifts, and that’s just not right.

    And at least it wasn’t towels.

  31. What cracks me up is how long have you guys been married? And this stuff still somehow shocks him? Does he not know who you are or what you do by now? Wake up Victor! LOL

  32. This. Just. Can i hug you? I’m from the philippines and it’s 3 in the morning and i was laughing so hard that i woke up my partner. I literally shook the bed. I mean my laughter shook it. Shit i cant stop. Hahahha! Love you jenny! Don’t stop writing. Hugs!!!!

  33. That alligator doesn’t have any hands because Mila Kunis stole them. Either that or Natalie Portman gnawed them off herself. It’s open to interpretation.

  34. Victor should have seen this all coming. After all, they say to see what your wife will be like when she’s older you have only to look at her mother. Didn’t the pig snout change purse your mom had tip him off or was he not paying attention that day?

  35. Except YOU didn’t purchase any of that while shopping. Someone else sent them to you. That’s a family that loves you. I don’t think Victor fully appreciates the family bond you all have. Or maybe he’s jealous that his folks don’t send him such unique presents.

  36. Holy goodness, this is exactly the kind of laugh that I wanted today!
    You are fantastic!!!!
    I often feel that Victor and my husband may have been seperated at birth,lol.
    Thanks for the smile, again.

  37. The thing I love about you is that somehow, Victor’s the one who comes off as the one being unreasonable here. Or maybe it’s because I identify too much with your craziness. Whee …~

  38. Oh – that purse is all sorts of awesome! But, truly, how is Victor still surprised?? I’m starting to worry that he is repressing alligators….

  39. I’ve seen alligator shoes (made from, not worn-by), belts, purses, hats…I’ve never seen an alligator glove/purse. That’s just…fucked up in the most fascinating possible way.

  40. you just can’t find this kind of awesome stuff in new jersey… I’m super jealous of your hand purse!

  41. (On the floor) I AM ON THE FLOOR!
    OMG You are HILARIOUS! I needed this laugh so bad today and Sister you DELIVERED!
    i ought to send you a check for this! Damn FUNNY!

    …hand for a purse. Priceless!

  42. I don’t understand what Victor is thinking….I thought that your point about the purse hand & needing to match was perfectly understandable. I think this should worry me a little now…

  43. I wish I’d had that alligator “hand bag” (*snicker,* I crack myself up) when I got married last year. Mike would have totally appreciated it – because he gets you, Jenny.
    Also, he wants to have a beer with Victor because he thinks they’d have a lot in common. Something about my membership in the Unicorn Success Club really disturbs him.

  44. When I was in high school I got a chicken or rooster(it was big) necklace from a Civil War reenactment. I don’t know what that had to do with the Civil War but it was cool. Maybe instead of ears of their victims they collected the feet of chickens from the farms they conquered.

  45. After much hysterical laughter at my desk….thankfully I was alone at the time! I had to share this. Too funny! If you ever need a replacement baby gaitor head…I have one!

    Thanks for sharing. Brightened my day.

    Kanda

  46. The hand bag is pretty darn amazing. Also, I just finished reading your book while I was recuperating from knee surgery. Thanks for the laughs. I needed that! It took my mind of the grueling pain.

  47. Your new purse could possibly save your life. You could claw the eyes out of your attacker. Or it will just scare the living shit out of the attacker because he will know you are bat shit crazy for having a alligator hand for a purse. Its perfect self defense no matter how you look at it!

  48. It’s like Victor has never seen a HAND BAG before.

    (thank you, i’ll be here all week, tip your wait staff, and then return them to their original upright and locked position)

  49. I honestly cannot think of a purse better suited to carry Xanax.

    Clearly, the proper usage of sofa cushions and the finer points of escargot forks pushed the “family dynamics” lessons right out of Victor’s brains. Victor (via bobcat) was shown what he was getting into before he married you.

    Thank you, once again, for taking a rather “down” day and adding some much-needed wild abandon!

  50. Dude. JWO totally hit it on the nose there. Ain’t no one gonna think about thiefing your purse!

  51. I would never be able to use the purse as a purse because I’d want to stick my hand in it and gesture with it while I talk just to watch people freak out!

  52. I haven’t visited your blog for a couple of weeks. And so I am just now caught up. After reading the book, I was thinking I was OVER Jenny Lawson. (With A.D.D. I go through phases pretty fast) I thought maybe I got the perfect fill of your personality. But Apparently my Jenny Lawson phase isn’t over. I’m back. And from looking through everything, I just want to say thank you. Girl, you got stayn power. You fo real! Thank you for sharing your life with us. Thanks for making us funny, dark, awkward ladies feel not so alone.

  53. My husband went alligator hunting in the mid 1980s, and carefully skinned out two alligator paws the size of my hand. He salted them and froze them, hoping to get them tanned and made into little pouches to wear at his belt. They went from our house in Cypress Island, LA, to our new home Columbia, Missouri in their frozen state in 1988. In late 1991, I was at the barfing stage of pregnancy when our freezer went bad, and I could smell the partially thawed alligator paws through their double freezer bags. They had to go. My husband’s dream of an alligator paw belt pouch dashed forever. I don’t know if I can tell him about your alligator paw purse; it might plunge him into a morass of regret.

  54. Victor appears to have missed the point that you didn’t purchase any of these things for yourself. Jeez.

    Also, my birthday is Sunday. I’d like an ethically taxidermied baby alligator for my birthday. But not the hand purse. that thing is creepy.

  55. You’re definitely correct, Jenny: He just doesn’t understand family dynamics. End of story! 😉

  56. I can’t believe I get to say this – but we have an alligator hand purse too. My great-grandmother passed it to us. I thought it was original. Now we can be purse twins.

  57. Oh wow. Well, it could be an alligator shirt, you know? (How long has Victor lived with you … you’d think he’d expect oddly dressed things to show up once in awhile.)

  58. I imagine Victor spends a lot of time sighing and shaking his head. Little does he know that you and yours have saved him hours and hours of shopping for the perfect purse.

  59. I think the real story is that your family is so awesome that they know exactly what will make you happy! That. Is. Awesome. 🙂

  60. OK, I have never ever been disappointed in one of your posts — and I’m not disappointed now, I promise — but I will say that I thought the alligator’s floofy outfit was a wedding dress and that there was going to be a Dead Alligator WEDDING.

  61. And this is exactly why I love both you and Victor. Oh, and your sister and mom & dad too! They obviously were trying to give you something to make you smile. 🙂 They know you so well!

    I’d love to have that purse btw, it’s pretty freaking awesome. 🙂 I tried googling to find you the other half and I found this: http://www.photographersdirect.com/buyers/stockphoto.asp?imageid=440171

    It’s a picture of your purse! The description says: 1920s alligator hand purse USA North America.

  62. Actually, that *might* be a bulimic alligator ballerina. With teeth and a snout that size, it probably wouldn’t be too hard to slip and accidentally bite off a claw — twice.

  63. Seriously? What other purse could you possibly need while going through security at the airport? “Ma’am you’ll need to place your purse on the xray machine. Dear GOD! what the hell is that?!?!” They won’t even care that you’re carrying shampoo in a larger than travel size bottle, just that you take that voodoo thing and leave their area!
    Also, you get to find not 1 hook for the poor baby’s hand but TWO! That’s a serious bonus.

  64. Half…of a frog…somehow the handless alligator and the alligator hand purse didn’t get me, but the half…of a frog…

    I just…can’t…compute…

  65. Awesome post your conversations malke me laugh and feel sorry for Victor too but then I think, he should know better by now and then glad ‘he never learns’ lucky us

  66. I’d like to know why the alligator only has half her stage make up on – she’s got the lipstick, but needs the rest of her face done up.

  67. She might not have bulimia, but she has a tragic case of anorexia. It’s like she hasn’t eaten in years.

  68. Ugh, your family totally gets you! I’m a little bit jealous. My parents are wasps, and not even the cool yellow and black stinging kind but the snotty white person kind.

  69. Andrea, the ballerina alligator was a marvelous dancer, but her clawed hands scared and distracted her audience from the beauty of her dancing. So she had them removed so that the beauty of the ballet could shine through. She sacrificed her ability to pick her nose and tie her shoes for art, mother fuckers! And now she’s known all around the world (seen in the background) as No-handy Andi, The Beautiful Ballerina Alligator.

    The end.

  70. I’m not even married to you, and what I know about your family from this blog and your book has made all of the above make perfect sense.

  71. Many years ago we had a gator cook out. This isn’t creepy or anything, but we kept one of the hands frozen in our freezer!

  72. I am a hopeless blogging idiot if it took me over a year to discover your blog. You speak my language, you are just the kinda gal I like, fun, uninhibited and very very smart. Living with you must be a constant party :). Kisses and bows.

  73. I finished your book yesterday. The first thing i said as I closed it was you are my missing best friend. And I need a taxidermied alligator. I do truly think i love you. And your family.

  74. Jenny. I fucking love you.

    I also want an alligator in a tutu. Sadly all I have been able to find here in the ole UK is a duck dressed as Jack the Ripper and the asshole on ebay GOT MY ADDRESS WRONG so Quack the Ripper and I are seperated now forever. And he won’t give me a refund. The asshole.

    However, hand purse. Yes. This. So much this.

  75. This is the very best part of my day! It’s so awesome to read about a family that is odder than mine. And you’re right; Victor doesn’t get family dynamics.

  76. The fact that your family has this weird hive-mind mentallity just proves that y’all are more highly evolved than most.

  77. I think Victor should appreciate your money saving skills. A purse thats also mittens saves the problem of finding matching gloves AND also where to keep the gloves when you go inside. Now you can be stylish AND practical all at once.

    Genius.

  78. You may want to move the alligatorina to a new spot… It appears as though shes been gnawing on your globe. Probably out of bitterness ’cause of the whole not-having-hands thing.

  79. Is it totally wrong that I picture the frog coin purse as the front half?
    And that it opens when you squeeze the jaw from the sides?

    Yes, I thought so.

  80. Most amazing purse/glove I have ever seen! I am green with envy. I love your family. They totally get you. So does Victor, but I think you still scare him a bit. Not a bad thing to have. Keeps him on his toes, right?

  81. I think you might be overlooking one very important thing here: the opportunity to be an icon. Perhaps the hand purse can be worn as a signature glove. Michael Jackson, Madonna, Morgan Freeman (for some reason they all begin with an “M” but whatever, I don’t think that really matters). Give it a try, see if anything changes. This could be huge.

  82. I love how you thought he was asking about the globe! Classic Bloggess! Every day I give me husband updates about you and at first, he was all “Who is this? Is she a friend of yours?” And now he’s all “She’s sounds like a real character!” and he chuckles!

  83. Hahahahaha that’s awesome I LOVE your family! Oh Victor, wait until he needs you to hold something in your alligator hand purse then his tune will change.

  84. Yesterday you asked what gets us through. Sometimes for me it’s this blog.

    Crappy day today. Heavy day today. But, holy shit, did you see this! More creative use of corpses! Gave me a smile when I really needed one. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  85. I laughed out loud. At least I was home alone. I love the conversations between you and Victor the best of all your amazing blog posts. And you have some wickedly clever commenters, too.

  86. Next time I clean out my mothers attic I am totally sending your my great gramdmothers fox stole. Not fox fur, its got a face and feet still attached. Made into a stole. It’s incredibly creepy.

  87. I just keep muttering “it’s half a frog” to myself and then laughing and laughing until there are tears in my eyes.

  88. One fucked up glove, indeed!

    If I wasn’t all self-righteous and not wanting to eat and wear animals, I would SO wear that to Robson Street in downtown Vancouver, just to fuck with people.

    Then again, the junkies from East Hastings might cut a bitch for something that EXPENSIVE.

    ___

  89. WOW. I remember in my “dress-up trunk” at my grandmother’s house there was an alligator hand purse just like that one, except it was dyed purple. I’ve never seen another one. It’s probably been 20 years since I’ve seen it. I wonder if she still has that thing…

  90. Do the claws on that thing look as though they could be modified to carry shopping bags? Ha! I bet Victor never thought of that did he? I know Chris would love it if there were no more “Just hold this bag for a minute” incidents…..

  91. Oh please come to my house when you are in the DFW area. Seriously. If you get stuck on a layover – I am literally 15 minutes away – and you can come to my house and I will let you hide under furniture – or just sit on the recliner drinking the beverage of your choice.
    My house is usually relatively clean – but I do have a floating conglomerate of various animals that live in my house –
    none of them are stuffed (yet).
    So glad you are feeling better – can’t wait to see your episode of ‘Katie’ – xoxoxoxo

  92. You know I love ya….but I have to say, I just love victor too! My fav post are the conversations between y’all. 😉

  93. Okay, I admit I am already hammered on tequila and beer because I have had the worst f*cking day ever, but this made me laugh so hard that I just snotted myself.

  94. I never know what to get my parents for Christmas. Thank you for solving it! Mom is getting an alligator hand purse and Dad is getting a half frog coin purse!

  95. Ha! If I wrote things like ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG’ I would write them here today.

    As I scroll down the page reading (sometimes holding my hand over my mouth and usually holding my breath),
    I think you can’t possibly be serious, but then *BAM* picture included – and I am bested.

  96. Understanding your family dynamics is not difficult. Figuring out how Victor married into your family without understanding its dynamics IS.

    And that is the coolest frickin’ alligator hand purse EVER.

  97. I like the fact that you tried to deflect Victor at the beginning “Its a globe” …….. you knew he would be jealous of your latest acquisition and tried to let him down lightly? Does this one have a name yet? Desmond Tutu perhaps?

  98. that is totallyfuckingawesome. you can just shut down an entire conversation you do not want to have with someone you know or some random person by FLASHING YOUR PURSE. how great is THAT?

  99. Hey, I’ve seen purses made from albatross feet. Admittedly, they were in a museum exhibit of artifacts from Pacific Northwest Native Americans, but I was nonetheless impressed by the craftsmanship and their utilitarian nature.

  100. I’m just impressed by the SIZE of that alligator hand. Assuming your hand is roughly the same size as mine, that claw is freakin’ MONDO. Where do those things COME from??? Is it like, spare parts from after they make shoes??

  101. Someone sent me your link to Beyonce and it was hiliarious so I came here to read it to my sister and she was dying of laughter, too. Then I read this post and we both agree that you are hilarious! Then I was trying to see what you are all about and realized that book that is at the top of the page is your book, which I have in my Kindle… soon to be read! I hit my head with a Simpson “doh” and thought no wonder I thought you were so funny, I’ve already been intrigued! Looking forward to more posts!

  102. First of all- WOW! Your family makes my family look like amatuer weirdos- which is awesome!!! And second, Victor- what are you, NEW?? How is this possibly surprising in the slightest? Did you read the part of Jenny’s book about the fresh squirrel puppet? That handbag is not even bloody!

  103. You ALWAYS make my day with your posts and crazy stuff that you find… where DO you find all this cool stuff??? I want the little cute alligator in his tuttu! I only find the usual plastic fantastic made in china stuff that is really boring. 🙁
    Seriously, the shop needs some fake alligators without hands to sell to us needy people!
    You just saved this day from being a really really pain-in-the-ass depressing day. And I’m still waiting for my “depression is a lying bastard” shirt… 🙁

  104. Seriously…very funny. I laughed out loud. Two of the ugliest items I’ve ever seen but oddly enough…totally adorable!

  105. Jenny, I love your family!! Taxidermied things kinda freak me out, but it’s pretty awesome that you love them and your family knows you well enough to send you a hand for a purse!! That. Rocks. Mine will probably think me weird when I crochet myself a sushi scarf. 🙂

  106. Hi Jenny, your awesome and I love that your family “gets you”. I too have that kind of relationship with my two kids. Every situation, even the most serious, turn out to have an inside joke or share some anecdotal similarities that only “we” get. Please let Victor know that he’s not alone, as my husband shares his views of his “off the wall” wife and children, we are ever so lucky for their patience. Aren’t we?

  107. Handbag – love it. Makes it seem a little less weird that my Mom was soaking her toes in her gravy boat today.

  108. First, you can totally try to use the Alligator Disabilities Act against Victor! I know it is really ‘Americans’ Disabilities Act, however, we are women and we are continually (slightly) changing things to meet our needs. It was last amended in 2008…it’s about time it was changed to include Alligators! I can’t believe he would be hateful about the poor handless baby…so sad.

    Second, didn’t you at one time say that you were on Goodreads? I just this week got an account and was trying to find you. Thanks in advance!

  109. Yet another awesome! Thank you. Are you aware that your demographic is 25-50 year old women (I’m guessing) and 8-13 year old boys (I’m sure of). My guys are going to LOVE it when I show them these pics. And I love anything you write.

  110. Oh, has anyone else already commented with…

    You should hold it up as say, “Talk to the Hand”.

  111. That purse is the creepiest, most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. I would constantly be reaching out to pet people with it, which I’m guessing would get me arrested/beaten pretty quickly, so it’s probably a good thing you have it instead of me.

  112. ok, so I dind’t read ALL 239 comments but…why has no one pointed out that this isn’t a hand purse. It’s a hand bag.

  113. Fun Fact: A friend of mine who works in a salvage yard saw a horror-mannequin without hands and saved it for me? BECAUSE WE ARE BASICALLY THE SAME.

  114. kind of reminds me of this conversation between my mom and me the other day.

    mom: so have you started working on any new crafts?
    me: I got a bunch of pallets from behind a store, I want to build a coffin out of them…
    mom: well I hope you have a crowbar, those are really hard to take apart.

    After three kids with dark & twisted taste, absolutely nothing phases her anymore. In fact, while on vacation in Colorado, she bought my brother a “Bigfoot Xing” road sign. Love my family.

  115. I’m curious about the name of your alligator in a tutu – I’m sure you’ve given it one, but I don’t understand why you haven’t shared it with us.
    You and your family are the best kind of (collective) crazy.

  116. I knew there was a better explanation for the origin of the term hand bag- and now we have it… You got an honest to God hand bag!!

  117. Y’know… you REALLY need to be thrown back into another time (maybe dinosaur times, maybe Medieval times — not the restaurant, though this would probably work there too) because you would easily be THE MOST FASHIONABLE LADY THERE.

    HANDS DOWN!

  118. You have made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks. Anxiety and illness have made it hard for me the past month. Thank you! I love the purse! And I love that your parents sent it to you!

  119. Victor makes such a great straight man to your sincerely comedic self. But then, he’s not kidding and neither are you which is why it’s all so hilarious. Please take that gator hand handbag to your local grocery store and let us know how the cashier reacted.

  120. In your defense, It could have been an alligator genitalia purse, and you could have asked Victor to wear it. So he should just shut the fuck up.
    🙂
    Your are awesome! And so is your fucked up’d family!

  121. “It’s a globe” …”My sister has hands” …that is some funny shit! I am in awe of your talent of deflection from the subject matter. Definitely a talent and powerful tool!

  122. Wow. A purse that doubles as a back scratcher. I’m so jealous. I seriously NEED your brain when you are finished with it. I’m claiming dibs.

  123. There is so much awesomeness in this post I can barely stand it! I don’t even have words for all the awesomeness. Well done!

  124. I want to live in your house just to hear conversations like these. I crack up reading them – I can only imagine the amount of amusement you and Victor would provide in real-time!

  125. “No, the best part is that my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY. I mean…what are the odds?”

    That REALLY IS the best part!!! Hahaha.

  126. I can only imagine how terrified Victor gets as Christmas approaches. What in the name of God will I end up unwrapping this year? What Addams family yard sale item will be bestowed upon us? I love the pickpocket-proof hand bag. Nothing says “Don’t fuck with me” more than wearing a dead alligator’s body part in public. I’m waiting for the alligator tail hoodie to arrive in the mail. As Hunter S. Thompson said, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Congratulations on your professionalism.

  127. CLEARLY the man has no sense of style. Or irony. Or humour. Well, okay, I think we’ve already established that he has a sense of humour. But definitely no sense of style or irony.

  128. I showed this to my parents on the same night my dad got me a fresh coyote skull. My parents are always picking up bones, teeth and skulls for me. It makes me feel a little better knowing we’re not the only family that collects dead things…

  129. i forwarded this to my boyfriend and the onlything he could say was that there is clearly a special place in heaven for victor…

  130. okay, Victor is cray cray, ’cause that hand purse is so freaking awesome!!! and now, if you decide to become a serial killer, you already have your creepy trademark, it’s a win win no matter what:D

  131. Even if I had never read this website, nor your book, this says so very, very, very much about your upbringing . . . “my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY. “

  132. Ahhhh… I agree that your best posts (all of them being completely awesome of course) are the ones of conversations with Victor. I agree with Doreen #31 and Amy #263 that he is your perfect straight man!

  133. Jenny, your book just came in the mail (it took the postman quite a while to clean out his mailbag).

    Have officially laughed myself silly, several times, notably over grandma and the peanut butter sugar cube shakes.

    Bravissima.

  134. I LOVE it when you post your conversations with Victor. It makes me feel so much more normal. Thanks for bringing a smile to my day!

  135. You should give tours of your house. Seriously. People would pay to see this shit in person. You could even charge extra for posing while wearing the claw purse, or while pretending to snog Jefferson Starship or whatever that dead warthog’s named. Henderson Jones. Fuck, that’s not it. It’s goddamn Wednesday, that is why I can’t think of this. JAMES MOTHERFUCKING GARFIELD. Right. Him.

    Absolute gold mine.

  136. Lordy!! I swear you could make me laugh no matter what is going on in my life!! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your stories. You are the BEST!! I hope you find a matching glove, errr I mean, purse to have a complete set!

  137. I have a feeling that Victor has a much better sense of humor than you give him credit for. Plus, he’s got the greatest parents-in-law ever! They gave you a hand purse!

  138. It’s not like he found it in under his pillow or lurking in the refrigerator, what’s the problem? I think even a mismatched hand purse (hoof?) for the other hand would be good, too.

  139. And this is why you’re awesome! Even though you obviously have a high respect quotient for Victor, you can Completely Ignore him when he FLIPS OUT LIKE A NINJA over your hobbies. That’s love right there. Knowing when to take someone seriously, and when to just point and laugh.

  140. The post cracked me up!

    I have to say that the dead animals as decorations and handbags etc just aren’t my bag, so to speak; however; the posts about them leave me in tears.

    I’ve gotta say though, I give Victor mad props on these sorts of occasions. You’ve got an excellent man there who deserves frequent sexing up 😉

  141. I do not carry a purse. I used to be one of those people that carried everything in my purse, but then my only good purse was stolen and I learned to manage without one, and it was like the After on some hoarding show, where instead of no longer being surrounded by newspapers, I no longer carried around an overnight bag/survival kit/lending library/craft center crammed into a cubic foot of leather and nylon.

    But if I had a taxidermied alligator hand purse, I would carry that shit everywhere. And inside it, I would carry only a taxidermied frog coin purse and two pennies, so that when the San Francisco hippies tried to disrespect my alligator hand I could show them that I already had two cents, thank you very much.

  142. Your “Conversations With Victor” always make me laugh so much. Sometimes I go back and re-read old ones because I NEVER fail to cheer up and even laugh out loud.
    *sigh*

  143. This time I’m pretty much with Victor. The tutu alligator is okay, but the hand purse is gross. I mean really-really gross. You need to put up a warning before the picture shows up. Uh, what am I saying? This is The Bloggess, there is just about *anything* that can show up as one scrolls down. Never mind.

  144. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but you totally need a kangaroo scrotum change purse. Looks like a marble bag, but it would just be cruel irony to fill a taxidermied kangaroo scrotum with any type of balls.

  145. I wonder…considering the gator-hand-purse has claws, could you use it as a carry-on item on a plane, or would you have to check it due to it being a potentially dangerous weapon in the hands (on the body?) of an actual alligator?

  146. Hahahahaha! I read this last night and LOL so hard and had such a crappy day today that I came back for my dose of Jenny and Victor. I got one at home just like him. Y’all are the best 🙂

  147. do they make man-bags like that?? b/c that would be pretty fricking cool… challenging dudes at the bar would come back in… a simple slap with your purse and then it’s game on buddy… I think my Iphone would fit perfectly in the middle finger too… dream come true!

  148. I just finished reading your book. I pre-ordered it from Amazon as soon as I read the reviews but then only got around to reading it last week. I could not put it down. I am not going to start visiting your blog very regularly. Your one of my favorite comedians now (that’s not saying a lot since I only have 3, but it is still impressive – the take away is that hilarious).

    I know this comment has nothing to do with this story but I kinda felt like writing it here after seeing another crocodile!

    Your newest AC, (I know its supposed to be fan, but to show you how much I enjoyed your book I decided to go with AC).

    Sid.

  149. addendum to previous post:

    oops, that is supposed to be an alligator, but you get the point. Also there should be a you are* at the end of the first paragraph.

    I know I should learn to proof read, but that’s just boring.

  150. The best part is that coin purse is HALF a frog, not a WHOLE frog. Let’s not get out of control here people.

    Also, must see picture of half frog coin purse. /nod

  151. Could you please show us the coin purse? I need a new one, and I think a half-frog coin purse might be perfect.

  152. I have a frog purse. But it’s way more than just a frog hand. It’s like half the frog. Well, at least the front half. I think it was a legless frog. He must have donated his legs for money, and then had himself taxidermied into a purse after he died. I wonder if he had a little froggy wheelchair when he was alive…

  153. LIsa, my thought exactly. My mother has one where the head is made into a clip, so it can clip onto the tail. There are 3 pelts. It would go fab with the alligator hand purse.

  154. Just like a man – they have a hard time following the way a woman thinks. Give that gal a high-5 with your hand!

  155. Husband thinks my collection of mannequins and assorted body parts is borderline insane. I should definitely introduce him to your blog so he can see how far from the edge I really am. 🙂

  156. HAHA omg… think of the tricks you could play with that… i may or may not be compiling a list right now.

    and by that, i definitely mean already done.

  157. Holy crap. I actually used to have a baby alligator hand. It wasn’t a purse though. It was a keychain. My parents went to Louisiana for a business trip (always got awesome presents) but I didn’t remember it until your post. Good memories. Thank ya.

  158. Your blog was recommended to me by a friend as an example of great work – I HAVE to agree and say that I want to be YOU when I grow up. Thanks for the laugh and the inspiration!

  159. I love your humor, and I think you’re awesome…but I’d REALLY like to subscribe to Victor’s newsletter.

  160. Just saw you on Katie and had, simply had to, check out your Blog. I love the purse story and yes, he does not undertstand family dynamics! Simple as that. Plus, I love the purse!!

  161. Hey, we used to have a similar alligator baby. My son took it in for show and tell at his french kindergarten and the instructions were to bring it in a paper bag. I didn’t realise but the teacher would hold up the bag and the students asked questions about it in french and tried to guess. It all might have been okay if the poor woman hadn’t thought to put her hand inside the bag partway through….

  162. That is the coolest advertisement ever! The previews for that movie didn’t grab me all that much but now that I see how they marketed it out to you – holy freakin cow that is amazing. I wish coupons came in a dirt enshrouded wooden coffin. Maybe I’d get into couponing.

  163. Let me get this straight. Her sister sends her a baby alligator, her parents sent her a purse, and she is forbidden to shop. Hmmm.

  164. Victor really should have some respect. I mean, that alligator is older than he is, making it an elder, meaning it gets the last seat on the bus.
    Also, because of the sharp teeth, I would liken Greta Gator up there more to the black swan. Tu-Tu terrific.

    PS – the alligator hand makes me think of Freddy Kruegar, if Freddy was a nail biter.

  165. i actually inherited a purse from my great-great (old maiden) aunt that was made of alligator skin and had the alligator hands over the claps on the front flap. i called it the “paw purse”. it had a matching coin purse as well, though it was somehwat less exciting just being made of alligator skin. ahhhh, memories!

  166. I was up all night sick- I feel like crap today, but yet I just laughed for an extended period of time over the purse. I soooo want one of those. That is the funniest thing ever. And I didn’t even realize that the alligator was missing hands until you mentioned it. That just shows how out of it I am. Just watched the little clip you put up from Katie’s show. Love it!

  167. My friend Jason gave me this totally awesome, somewhat homicidal looking monkey lamp he had in his spare bedroom that was freaking everyone out (I don’t understand why, but I’m not looking a gift homicidal monkey in the mouth). He now lives on the nightstand in my bedroom. My mom came to stay last weekend while I was in Florida… she said he had to stay in the closet while she was there.

  168. Looove you and your book you autographd for me and I loved you on the new Katie Couric show, I had to tell everyone at work, and thanks to my TIVO for recording it!!! And you are hilarious, you make each day ten times better just reading something you wrote, thanks for being you!!! : )

  169. The question I leave this posting with is, what does one WEAR with a croc hand purse that makes the whole outfit ‘work’? Would we say its just so versatile that it goes with everything? Headed to target with my croc hand purse…

  170. When I was a kid, I had a Batman alligator, and a cowboy alligator my dad bought me at a little roadside gator place in Georgia. If I still had them I would send them to hang out with your ballerina!

  171. OMG! LOVE the purse! My husband and his siblings were super-close friends with another family growing up. One year somebody found an armadillo purse…for close to 20 years somebody always gets the armadillo purse for Christmas.
    We definitely need an alligator handbag to add to the Christmas festivities!!!

  172. Next time I come across one, I’ll get you a frog purse, not just half. It’s an entire frog’s skin made into a small bag, and you open it via its mouth. When I first saw one, I thought it was fake, only when I touched it did learn it was made from a real frog.

  173. I know this is super old. But I keep it book marked, and now, 8ish years later, I still fall into a laughing fit when I read it! I’m taking ‘i can’t breathe’ laughing for 10 minutes at least. My sister and I relate to this so much!
    Thank you.

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