And now I want ribs.

me:  I bet the little mermaid got crazy fat after she got married.

Victor:  Why?

me:  Because all she could eat when she was a mermaid was raw kelp and there’s practically no calories in kelp.

Victor:  She lived in the ocean.  She ate fish.

me: SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH FISH.  She talked to every living thing there was.  Even seagulls.  She couldn’t even eat seagulls.  I bet she was fucking starving.  Have you seen her waist?  That’s not normal.  It looks like she’s had ribs removed.

Victor:  Huh.

me: And then she suddenly becomes human and stops swimming – so she’s not getting any cardio – and then she discovers cheese.  And bacon.  And cheesy bacon.  OMG, I want cheesy bacon.

Victor: You’ve thought about this way too much.

me:  If I was the little mermaid I’d get so fat.


In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s round-up sponsored by The Dumb White Husband’s Guide to Babies.   Children are amazing and their limitless capacity for love is matched only by their ability to make you feel like an idiot. But you’re not alone.  Dumb White Husband vs. Babies tackles the subjects that other baby books ignore.

134 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Ribs.

    Kathleen recently posted London Assurance.

  2. Bacon. Crispy Cheesy bacon… man, I really am the world’s worst Jew….

    brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted Best Welcome Mat Ever....

  3. I can’t see Ariel ordering fish and chips but a loaded order of cheese fries? Oh Yeah!

    Kara recently posted Mike Nesmith in conversation with himself.

  4. Yeah, but you’re getting BACON out of the deal. Totally worth it.

    Heretic Husband recently posted I used to be jealous of suicide bombers.

  5. Dumb white husband’s guide to babies? Is that a subtle hint?? ;D

  6. So, that’s what happened with me! I was once. Merman, forgotten, then I turned into a human bipod who became a fat git. How do I change back?

    Tom Stronach recently posted tesco, you really are a bunch of arseholes.

  7. I had a Wendy’s Baconator for lunch today. I am typing this from the ICU at Methodist hospital. They are replacing my heart with that of a pig’s. Probably the one that died to make my Baconator.

    Cycle of life.

    J. Goodson Dodd recently posted NaNoWriMoToMoRrOw.

  8. Plus, by now she’s probably aware of awesome things like whiskey and ice cream, which are far better things than kelp. Fuck kelp.

    Banana Stickers recently posted Melon Collie And The Infinite Meh-ness.

  9. This is a very splendid line of reasonaing!

    KimikoMuffin recently posted 2012/10/30: So yeah ....

  10. Now Belle, on the other hand, went from sitting around reading books (why you so skinny?!) to getting chased by wolves and dancing with the flatware. Yet, no weight change. I think the princesses need to rethink their images.

  11. And BROWNIES. I bet brownies in the ocean are just gross and soggy, but on land? ALL THE BROWNIES. And no fishy friends get hurt either!

    Erin recently posted You Like Me, You Really Like Me!.

  12. hmmmm yum, bacon and cheese. Now I’m hungry.

    Marvi Marti recently posted Shoe Lust Saturday.

  13. I think these are some very valid points. So true.

  14. And then the eventual rude and callous comments by Prince Eric – “she’s not so little anymore!”

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8 – “Initiation”.

  15. Can’t imagine why you would be excited to be named on a list next to Salman Rushdie. There is a bounty on that fucker’s head! Okay, I’m going to go work on my novel now, while eating bacon, thank you.

  16. How about a brownie ice cream sundae with bacon and caramel on top? All the things a mermaid never dreamed were possible.

    Kari recently posted I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile and stuff..

  17. Jesus, you’re right! She was FORCED in vegetarianism. I wish I was friends with cheese and margaritas…I’d be so skinny right now.

    One classy motha recently posted Free Adivce Friday! Too much candy?.

  18. Actually,I think bacon might have been her goal the entire time.

    Heretic Husband recently posted I used to be jealous of suicide bombers.

  19. i really do think the new sedentary lifestyle is going to get her more than the food. Plus, we should address the fact that she’s a hoarder……….

  20. Mmmm! Cheezy bacon! When the zombie apocalypse happens, the shambling hordes won’t be calling for braaainsss, they’ll all want cheeezy baaaconn….

  21. Didn’t eat fish? Notice you don’t see Flounder around anymore…

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted The Only Published Twitter Novelist at the New York Public Library!.

  22. I’ve started adding those real bacon bits to hamburgers before I cook them, and THEN putting on pepperjack. My husband and children love me.

  23. And this is why you are brilliant. 🙂

  24. I’m confused by the sponsor this post, are the dumb husbands white only? Are black husbands smart?

    (Not quite sure about that one myself. Maybe both? There’s a whole series of them though, apparently. ~ Jenny)

  25. Cheesy bacon, cheesy tater tots and a vanilla coke = why I *am* a fat mermaid. Without the flippers. And without being able to breath underwater.

    Which makes me convinced that breathing under water would totally be my super power.

    Jess recently posted When Form Kicks Function’s Butt, Every Time….

  26. Yet another reason for me to hate mermaids…they have no idea what BMI means.

    Hannah recently posted There’s a Bunny in My Bathroom.

  27. Well, when Ariel became a biped, I’m guessing any food would have been “splurgeful” (to be splurged upon) based simply upon the premise that it didn’t need to be consumed while swimming in a cloud of EVERY OTHER SEA ANIMAL’S FECAL MATTER! When you’re swimming in an ocean of fish shit, I can imagine one’s appetite would be lacking.

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS # 9 - Pseudos Pt. 1.

  28. Now I totally want ribs and cheesy bacon. I am totally a fat mermaid, without the mermaid parts, which I guess just makes me fat.

    Nicki recently posted Six Word Friday - Questions.

  29. Since you have a new sponsor, does that mean you have a new wine slushy?

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Up-coming Events.

  30. Whoa, wait a minute now. No update on the why of the big, annoying, itchy pillow. Come on Jenny. We want to know. And I am now lactose intolerant, so no cheese, but bacon. Maybe bacon wrapped ribs, mmmmm

  31. And THAT is why I could never stand to be a vegetarian. Because meat. XD But I’d totally eat any of her fishy friends. Flounder tastes really good! Also, I’d TOTALLY eat a seagull if I had the chance. I want to try eating a mammoth. Someone needs to re-invent mammoths so I can eat part of one.

  32. You said bacon. Now I can’t think about anything else.

  33. Wow. What DID she eat? I have never considered the question. Is there a penis picture on the cover of the Video, yes, I considered THAT. But never Ariel’s diet.

  34. I would not in any way be bright eyed and chipper if my diet consisted of kelp. Damn Disney and their lies, lol.

    Winopants recently posted Kule “Loco”: How to Disrespect an Indian Village.

  35. I’m thinking Bacon Cheese flavoured potato chips with a nice dish of melted chocolate for dipping. Sonuvabitch. I have pms. Thanks, Jenny. I knew you did a lot of things but bring on a hormonal episode ? Some sort of voodoo…

    Leanne Moffat recently posted The Rape Monkeys.

  36. More bacon, wrapped in bacon, cooked in bacon…

    There is a youtube video in which they cook shit basically all baconfied. Looked it up but failed. Just youtube bacon for five hours…you should find it.

    Even make bacon cups. They’re going to fucking own this world.

  37. I totally had cheesy bacon last night and it was awesome! Does that mean I’m a mermaid?

    Becki Jolly recently posted Guest Review: David Lowe Reviews Cloud Atlas (2012).

  38. Dear, Jenny,
    I couldn’t find your email, thus I had to comment here. Sorry.
    ~~~Do you remember a few years back I was going to interview you for my blog on SKIRT? You DID respond to my email saying something like -“Skirt SUuuuuCKS!”
    Anyhow, if you read this, I have my OWN blog now & I’d still like to interview you again cuz I fucking love you and I want to use your celebrity to get more awareness out there about Domestic Abuse. ( at least I’m honest, man.)
    My blog is: My Inner Chick– http://myinnerchick (it is dedicated to my sister who was murdered 2 years ago)
    Thanks. You Rock Like Gaga. That’s all. xxx

  39. So excited to see your book on Goodreads (tho probably not as excited as your were!) Love that website, and love your blog. Def got my vote!

  40. I never thought about it before, but you’re absolutely right. The Little Mermaid couldn’t have eaten fish. She was best friends with fish. How do you say “Yes, I love you Flounder, but your brother is on tonight’s menu.”? That would just be wrong.

    So many good foods to eat as a human. As long as she didn’t make friends with the cows and chickens.

    Sue recently posted "Shatterproof" ?.

  41. Great, now *I* want cheesy bacon. And ribs. If I could only eat kelp, well, I wouldn’t have lived to meet whoevertheheckthatprincewas.

    Shawn Walter recently posted NaNoWriMo and/or NaBloWriMo.

  42. I just NEED to tell you how much I LOVE your blogs and that you are simply fricken amazing!!!! Whenever i’m having a bad day, I can always count on reading one of your blogs to cheer me up;)
    Thank you so much for being YOU!!!:)


  43. I bet Hobbits would have eaten crispy, cheesy bacon if they’d really thought about it. You wouldn’t think crispy bacon could be improved, but some cheese added just might do the trick. Yeah, I seem to have LOTR on my brain despite drooling over Avengers currently. What does this have to do with your post? Absolutely nothing. 😀

  44. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but you’re right. She must have been starving! No wonder she wanted to leave the ocean, she wanted a sandwich that wasn’t soggy and full of salt!

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted So, it turns out I'm a hardened criminal....

  45. Low carb it and you can cheesy-bacon it all the time. But I had to give up bread. There’s always a trade off.

  46. My grandmother teaches Sunday School at our local church and asked me what is one food I eat that tastes bajillion times better with salt? I told her I’m not sure but EVERYTHING tastes better with bacon.

    To which she rolled her eyes and said ‘GREAT…I’ll just tell my class of ten year olds to be the BACON of the earth, that’s juuuuust GREAT.’

    It’s true though. Ariel would have never tried bacon. or cheese. or chocolate. She’d inflate like an emergency dingy day 3 of their honeymoon. Fruit SHMOOT, Bring awn the bacon!

    Hikeezy recently posted Of Fish and Family.

  47. Yeah, she entered a world with bacon (and the other benefits of fire, for heaven’s sake), food that didn’t talk, and an atmostphere not swimming in fish poop. And she left a world of cardio for a world in which she could not walk without tiny knives stabbing her feet with every step. So, yeah, sedentary. Must have porked out amazingly. Or been an incredibly active minx between the sheets. So, you know, PROFIT.

    As someone gradually (but way too quickly) getting older, I can tell you that the process is like being The Little Mermaid, but in reverse. Every waking second, my doctor screams at me that I’m too sedentary, and my diet of amazing cheesy bacon is gradually (but WAY fucking too quickly) being replaced by raw frigging kelp.

    And there’s never enough kelp.

    And it tastes like fish have shit in it.

    Fortunately, I have a partner in crime who loves me as I am, because there ain’t no red dress (or tuxedo or speedo) comin’ in the mail, and never was.

  48. You are right–she must now weigh a ton.

    And now I am hungry for a bacon cheese burger.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted How not to use a PDF to advertise yourself.

  49. Wings. And beer. The girl didn’t know what she was missing.

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted Friday: Lucky Shirts and Squash.

  50. And that’s when they start calling her The Larger More Beautiful Mermaid.

    When I Blink recently posted Random Penguins.

  51. Better she become a chubby ex-mermaid on the Disney payroll than the Hans Christian Anderson Original Ending: turning into sea-foam – which is the version my mom used to rent for me back in the days of the Beta machine.

    Hj recently posted A Walk in the Parque.

  52. I think she was just dying to ditch the shell bra. Can you even imagine how that would chafe? Sometimes taking my bra off is the highlight of my day and I have underwire and straps and everything. Shells would be a bitch. Even bacon would be a secondary joy compared to getting decent support for the girls.

  53. Watch The Little Mermaid 2! After 11 years on land and a pregnancy, she is still the exact same size!

  54. So, I tried having this conversation with my SO… and it went nearly exactly the same, until the end. He steals my argument and tells me that if she’s talking to the fish and the seagulls she’s going to be talking to the pigs and the cows. Therefore no cheesy bacon. Plus, her ribs have already been removed.

  55. “I wanna be where the people are.
    I wanna eat –
    eat some cheesy bacon. . .”

    Melanie recently posted Marble Mountain.

  56. Congra-tu-stikin-lations on your top 10 book!

    P.S. Don’t eat the bacon, it lies.

  57. Hey! I thought you didn’t plug other people’s books! No problem, though, it’s your cyber-home…
    I think I’m done, though… If I can’t convince someone as cool as you that I’m worthy, then what hope is there? I’ve been rejected by EVERYBODY from the media, agents, and your publisher! You’ve fought depression recently; you know what’s it’s like when no one gives a damn about what you have to offer.

    As for your post, I thought it was great! Never a dull moment in your marriage, right?

  58. Hahaha! Poor Little Mermaid…

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Chewy Chocolate Caramel Crunch Bars.

  59. Cheesy bacon! I didn’t even know that was a thing!

    jesspants recently posted virtual cooking lessons.

  60. The “Oh Hush, this was exciting for me” confused me at first because I work as a bookseller in a small town named “Hudson” and I was completely unaware of this until clicking on your link… and then I realized that Hudson is like the “Smith” of town names, so I told myself to shut up and keep reading….

    P.S. I’m proud of you. 🙂

    Emelie recently posted John Hamm and I Drive 8 Hours Through Frankenstorm.

  61. To clarify, I wasn’t unaware of the fact that I live in a town called “Hudson” but more confused by the fact that Hudson booksellers had come up with this list of awarded selections…

    Emelie recently posted John Hamm and I Drive 8 Hours Through Frankenstorm.

  62. I love that angel girl too.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted My last post....

  63. OMG this made me laugh so much!

    Jennifer recently posted Emma's first Halloween!.

  64. Makes sense to me. Probably happened with some of the other princesses too but I’m too lazy to try and figure out exactly how.

    Rachel recently posted It's Not Olive Garden.

  65. Plus, she wasn’t swimming off her calories anymore. Yeah, she probably looked like Ursula by her 1st anniversary.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Flying By the Seat Of My Pants.

  66. 67
    Marilyn McKinnon

    Hey Jennie. I just saw your gorgeous face on a video called. Finally. Gorgeous woman that make you feel better about yourself, not worse. Beautiful lady. It’s from Have a great weekend. Marilyn

  67. 68
    Marilyn McKinnon

    That’s I hate auto correct

  68. And what if she had kids? Whoa…

    Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) recently posted Gift or Curse? Flash Fiction.

  69. I rather imagine all of the Disney Princesses suffer from some sort of eating disorder, among other things. I rather imagine that Snow White is on some sort of diet plan that totally avoids apple like the plague. Sleeping Beauty probably suffers from PTSD and suffers an episode every time she sees any kind of spinning wheel. Cinderella talks to mice. Rapunzel will have control issues the rest of her life. That’s all I got. I can’t remember the rest of them. I see a future post for my blog here, ah inspiration!

    I don’t think it would be bacon that would finish off her thinness. I’d say chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted These Are A Few Of My Favorite… Blogs.

  70. Loved Ruby Pearl’s post!
    And I get cravings like that too.. When I was a kid and we had to study about the snow peaked Himalayan range in Geography class…I’d want Vanilla ice cream SO bad! Now most of that has been replaced by Pizza cravings!

    Miss Gee recently posted Saturday morning blues..

  71. Even when she was on land, I never saw her eat. At dinner, she didn’t eat. Ariel apparently didn’t need food of any kind.

    The bitch.

    Cheryl D. recently posted X-traordinarily Strange.

  72. It’s impressive how your mind works

    Karyn Gorman recently posted Add some “Butter”.

  73. Oh my God. You’re so right. How can Victor not understand? I always just thought she was too skinny, I didn’t put two and two together…but you have such a good point. Did the Prince still love her when she was fat I wonder?

    Klementine recently posted I love playing sports, but I find the emotional and mental effort exhausting. I don’t care about the physical effort, that’s good for me..

  74. How do kelps taste like?

  75. Have I told you lately that I love you?

    Gadiac recently posted Doctor Who - Four Chords of Time.

  76. I also wonder what the sharks from Finding Nemo eat and how Goofy feels about Mickey keeping Pluto as a pet.

    Cris recently posted My Heroes of Hurricane Sandy.

  77. I found Pinterest because of you. I’d forgotten to say thanks.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Enough with the jibberjabber!.

  78. Haaa! Excellent point. They need a “Where are they now: Disney Princesses” documentary

    Mayor Gia recently posted No power for Gia.

  79. This has nothing to do with your post above, sorry. But I know your love of taxiidermy and want to be sure you saw this article in the New Yorker by David Sedaris. Enjoy.
    Love your blog, I am new to blogs and I check yours everyday to get a good laugh.

  80. If you come into some money, I think you might appreciate this on your shelves…………

  81. Seriously craving some cheesy bacon now. My husband will be thrilled.

    Danielle recently posted Random Acts of Christmas Kindness.

  82. Cheesy bacon and brown sauce *drools*

    I’m hungry now damnit!

    Loki-Lou recently posted A bag full of cats.

  83. Now that Disney has acquired Lukasfilms, will Leia join the Disney princesses?

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Can Literary Lightning Strike Twitter Twice?.

  84. So, to be inpolitically correct, should we call her: Ariel, the large ginger post-operative merperson? That sounds more like an episode of Veggie Tales…

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Insomnia and German Gnome Porn: A night with The Jeneral.

  85. Just wanted you to know that I work at a library, and whenever a copy of your book comes through circulation (which is infrequently because it has 20 odd holds on it still and we only have one copy that you aren’t allowed to put holds on) I make sure to put it on our staff recommendation display… and it’s rarely there longer than a half hour. You’re awesome!

  86. I’d get a few ribs removed to look as good as the little mermaid….maybe. Nah, I’d do it.

    Dana @ This Silly Girl's Life recently posted Book Review: The Help by Kathryn Stockett.

  87. I actually think Ariel wouldn’t be able to eat any of that. Being as she was living off of Kelp for let’s say 18 years of her life, her stomach would be too sensitive to handle anything else, she would have to slowly start being up tolerances to these new foods so she wouldn’t get sick and throw up so she would probably lose weight.

    (DAMMIT. You’re right. Now I just feel stupid. ~ Jenny)

  88. How the HELL does Victor not know the Ariel is FRIENDS with the FISH? There is singing and merriment and friendship. For gosh sakes…You don’t eat your friends, no matter how delicious.

    Sarah recently posted EMO vs Goth.

  89. And now I’m hungry for ribs, and I am vegan.


    Tara of Mad Max and Family recently posted Fun Friday: Sadie's One Week and Maternity Foto Fun.

  90. Hey lady,

    Just finished the book! (I hope there really is a Book 2 in the works.) Thank you for the laughs on my commute, and the bonus entertainment from how many necks craned on the subway trying to figure out WTF was on the cover of my book. You did a wonderful thing putting this bad boy together.

  91. 92
    Lady Penelope

    Congrats on the nominations 🙂

    And Ruby Pearl = Wow.

  92. Today on Masterchef Australia, someone made chocolate-dipped bacon. My husband and I both simultaneously said ‘Oh my god, I could REALLY go for some chocolate dipped bacon right now.’
    That’s how you know you married the right person.

    Anonymouse recently posted The Dam.

  93. This bitch didn’t even know how to use a FORK, so once she had that down pat it was all over but the bacon. The big Mermaid….

  94. Besides being fat, her skin’s probably all dehydrated and flaky.

    Honestly, I can imagine her wanting her old life back. bacon and ribs and cheese and alcohol vs Kelp???

    no brainer …

  95. I found this on tumblr just after reading this and couldn’t help but share it with you. It’s not actually meant to be the Little Mermaid, I don’t think, but hey. Coincidences are rarely actually that. Maybe it’s enchanted. I have no idea what I’m going on about so here’s the fat little mermaid. That sounds weird. LINK.

    Klementine recently posted This basically ends with me hating myself. Yay for keeping on topic! Srsly though. I whine about wanting to stand up and tell everyone what I’m thinking but I don’t even know what I’m thinking..

  96. AND they don’t have sugar in the ocean. The Little Mermaid probably went crazy for candy, cookies, and cake.

    For Love or Funny recently posted Don’t yell this on a college campus..

  97. Could you imagine going from kelp to real food? I would weigh a lot too.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Naked Girl Wraps Up the Week.

  98. Since she was new to real food, I bet she would get acne, too. Poor Eric. I hope he was as nice as he seemed.

  99. Wait a minute – have to comment on another comment: YOU CAN SO EAT YOUR FRIENDS!!! IN AN EMERGENCY! If they really love you, they will understand…..

  100. I’m not sure if I actually voted for you or just pushed a lot of buttons to nowhere, but I tried. That’ll have to do.

  101. So agreed!

    Meg recently posted In My Head, In My He-e-e-ad....

  102. The Little Mermaid is a magical role model for young girls: starve yourself, don’t speak, and give up some tail and you’ll find your prince. And the N.O.W. award goes to…

    Jen in Portlandia recently posted 50 Worst Dates.

  103. I, personally, have always been concerned about Bell’s state of mind. I mean, she falls for an animal. A talking one, but an animal non-the-less. So either the day he turned human was the greatest in her life, or the worst, depending on just HOW into the animal version of him she was. Creepy.

    abby recently posted And a Song Will Guide Me.

  104. Pretty sure Sebastian sings “Try us and eat us in fricassee”. Cartoons supporting cannibalism. Sounds like something that would be on a ballot.

  105. I just saw something about Bacon Diet Coke….what is the deal with bacon craze of late?

    Renia Carsillo recently posted The life of a salesman. Why common courtesy has everything to do with it.

  106. I finished! I have read every post!

  107. I don’t even like bacon, but cheesy bacon somehow sounds delicious.

    Slobber Tales recently posted WTF is that? SOLVED!.

  108. I support the friend eating. That’s all I’m saying.

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Because it’s Monday….

  109. @104

    Belle never “falls for” an animal. He’s male, and she does not love him. As a male, he is merely a token, the possession of which establishes Belle’s dominance over other females. This is the only reason she wishes to possess him, as it is the only reason any female wishes to possess any male. Once one understands that all human social events are similar contests of dominance, human life suddenly makes a lot more sense.

  110. You know, the four-legged beasties probably *would* be easy to eat if the cuddle factor weren’t involved because you were used to the cuddle factor being applied to slimy, scaly things like fish. Not that the cuddle factor stops me…

    Dana the Biped recently posted A Word on Words.

  111. Why do so many people, when you have a brilliant thought you share in conversation, reply with “You’ve put way too much thought into this.”?

    Actually I have put NO thought into this. And brilliance that is both spontaneous and instantaneous is even more amazing!

  112. Charlie beat me to the Weeping Angel costume link, so I thought I’d report that Frank in downtown Austin has chocolate-covered bacon (thick-cut, hickory-smoked bacon!) on the menu. And it is AWESOME!

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.


    OMG. OH EMM GEE! Your chicken is so famous he got a vote for PRESIDENT! Of the US. Not just the chickens. Rock on Beyonce!

  114. Disney princesses are usually orphans, but she had a daddy.

    and you NEVER seen them when they are old and wrinkled and screaming at Prince Charming about his dirty socks.

    Geek Goddess recently posted The Guns of Navarone, the Musical!.

  115. These are exactly the kinds of thoughts I have…LOL. On another note, I borrowed your book from my sister and I am expecting a fantastic read. We have already talked about others in our family that would love it!!

    Mishka recently posted Catching Up And Cold.

  116. Victor has clearly thought about this far to LITTLE!

    Julie recently posted My sense of competition knows no bounds.

  117. The body model for Disney’s “Little Mermaid” , Sherri Stoner, still looks good after having kids.

    p.s. She’s also the writer and voice actor for Slappy Squirrel, from the Animaniacs.

  118. The Husky Mermaid. That would be a great name for a bar.

  119. OMG, I am laughing so fucking hard. If I had written this, I would be chastised for mocking the body of a Disney princess due to my former state of bulimia. You are fucking genius. Love. Furthermore, I’d love to be a mermaid. The perfect life and diet. 😀

    nicole recently posted I Said No.

  120. The Little Mermaid totally ate pigs and cows. Land-dwellers fish. Sea-dwellers oppo-fish. Don’t ask me how they lure the animals to the shore, I am not a mermaid, but if I had to guess it would involve the Sirens. As aren’t they kind of like mermaids/mermen but just more evil? Anyway, the Sirens lure the land animals then the merpeople eat them. And I bet they do eat fish and other seacreatures too, same way people eat other mammals. Just not ones that have learned to speak English. You don’t put that much effort into training an animal, then eat it, that’s just silly!

  121. But I should add, I don’t actually spend a lot of time wondering how she ate. Probably because I am spending a lot more time wondering why no-one has an issue with a Prince in his mid-twenties marrying a sixteen year old. Thanks for that, Disney. Could have added in the caveat “please not that even though Ariel is 16 for this entire film, the wedding took place a good ten years down the road, as before they got married Prince Eric made sure Ariel not only reached legal age, but also completed her schooling before becoming a Lady of Leisure, as her mermaid tail may come and go but a solid educational foundation lasts forever”.

    So weird that Disney hasn’t contacted me to write movies for them.

  122. Mmm…ribs….you’re from Texas. Ever hear of Queen Bee BBQ? Sooo! Good! 😉

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted VOTE!! Mod Mom's Songs For the 2012 Election.

  123. I’m pretty sure bacon was the main reason she wanted to be human. It would be mine

  124. Have you ever considered how mermaids poop? I mean fish obviously have a butt but mermaids? And if she’s eating kelp all the time, it’s got to go somewhere.

    Makes you think.

    Ashley recently posted The Joy of Gift Giving.

  125. Ladies, vote. Your sisters without the big bucks need Planned Parenthood.

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  126. OhMiGOD I needed that laugh. Thanks, from the bottom of my very tired heart.

  127. 130

    I would totally get fat is I were the Little Mermaid…. I would me the fat chick who was the little mermaid.

  128. 131

    Whoa, typo city. Sorry and junk.

  129. I keep thinking she looks at Sebastian and thinks “Lobster Mac N Cheese”. Or was he a crab. I can never tell.

  130. Don’t ruin my childhood hero with all of your thinking.
    …at least she’d still have her beautiful red hair. No cheesy bacon can take that away from her.

    Melissa recently posted Vote with me, baby, one more time.

  131. Jenny!

    So I just finished your book and recommended it to everyone I know. The critics are right it is one of the best books of the year. I read alot in waiting rooms and I had to stop reading your book a few times in public because I was about to uncontrollably laugh out loud! Love your wit 😀

    One thing: Your new tour t-shirt is a little “americans think they own the world” type. Check out the true definition of North America ( 23 sovereign states, not just the USA.
    Although I have to say, I wish you were coming to Canada.

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