UPDATED: James Garfield for Sainthood


Victor:  I bought Hailey one of those shelf-elves for Christmas.

me:  Yeah, I saw that.

Victor:  And now it’s gone.

me:  Yep.

Victor:  I can only assume you’ve done something exceedingly inappropriate with it.

me:  Don’t be ridiculous.  That’s what the cats are for.

Victor:  Then where is it?

me:  On my shelf.  BEING AWESOME.

No hamsters died for this picture. It was already dead of natural causes. Promise.


And speaking of the holidays, if you’ve been here long enough you probably know about the Miracle(s) of James Garfield.  One came in 2010 when we all accidentally came together to raise over $42k to help get presents for kids who would not have otherwise gotten any.  It was awesome, and the next year tons of people who were helped in the past asked if we could do it again because now they were back on their feet and wanted to pass on the gift they’d received, but I couldn’t do it because I was so exhausted from running it that I got really sick.  Sorry.  I suck.  So instead in 2011 we decided to help Project Night Night, which is a program that donates over 25,000 free packages to homeless children (containing  a new security blanket, a book, a stuffed animal and a tote bag).  With our help they were able to donate the 750 packages they needed to hit all of this kids on their list for last December.

This year, Project Night Night just sent 1,000 Project Night Night packages to children affected by superstorm Sandy and they need to get another 1,000 to finish the list of homeless children who still need help.  It’s crazy simple to donate.  An entire package only costs $20.  Plus, you can donate packages as presents in the name of your crazy uncle who already has everything, or your insane aunt who was always kind of a bitch to you when you were a kid.  EVERYONE WINS.

Want to donate?  Of course you do.  Just click here and you can donate directly.  I’m starting it off by donating the first 25 bags in honor of you (the internets) for being so incredibly supportive this year.

PS.  Don’t sweat it if you can’t afford to donate this year.  You can always share the Project Night Night page online or with friends to help spread the word.  Every little bit counts.

PPS.  If we actually raise the 1000 bags needed this will be James Garfield‘s 3rd documented miracle and we can then seriously start applying for Sainthood from the Pope.  It’s going to be awesome and/or very offensively ridiculous.

PPPS.  I also bought you a water buffalo.  I hope it’s the right size because I did not keep the receipt.

I'm glad they specify that it's a "full" water buffalo, because there's nothing worse than getting an empty water buffalo (which I assume would be like a sleeping bag with hooves).

Updated 12/17/12:  I just talked to Project Night Night and we’ve raised 826 bags for children in need of comfort.  174 more to go. We can do this.  It’s $20 to fund an entire bag and you can donate right here.


238 thoughts on “UPDATED: James Garfield for Sainthood

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I have the 45 to the Neverending Story theme song. I wrote “weird” with an arrow pointing to Limahl. I don’t know why I was so harsh. He had typical 80s hair and sang a bitchin’ tune.

  2. What is superstore Sandy? Sounds like it should be good but was apparently bad?
    And please keep that damn shelf elf away from your daughter, I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with the creepy things!

  3. if anything ever deserved double unicorn status, this does (can you add a unicorn horn to it? or 2? does that make it a double unicorn…wait, uni means one…) what were we talking about??

  4. Can’t wait to get my St. James Garfield Holy card!!! Will keep it in my wallet with my Pope JP2 rosary!!!

  5. I for REALS love Heifer International so … thanks for the water buffalo!

    (Does anyone else get the urge to sing Silly Songs With Larry when they hear “water buffalo”? No? Just me? Okay then.)

  6. Um, “children affected by superstore Sandy.” Should WalMart be concerned?
    Good cause and I will donate. That just gave me a giggle.

    (CRAP! Damn you, autocorrect. ~Jenny)

  7. You’re awesome and I love you. The “Na na na na na naaaaaaaaa” cracked me up. 🙂

  8. This is a wonderful idea, but for some reason a post which mentions ‘stuffed animals’ from you fills me with fear, Jenny….Please tell me that these will be stuffed toys and you’re not going to be stuffing children’s gift bags with taxidermied offerings???

  9. Because being “exceedingly inappropriate” and being “AWESOME” are totally NOT the same thing.

  10. i totally just sang the song in my head. you are freaking awesometastic in the most amazeballs way. totes a member of my cray cray family! <3 you lots! thanks for the laughs!

  11. Now I know what I’ll be singing all night at work. Thank you.

    Also, I always see my water buffalo as half full. It’s the half optimist in me.

  12. 1. The shelf elve looks super super freaky.
    2. I don’t think James Garfield will qualify for sainthood status if his owner uses birth control. You know, the popes rules and all.
    3. I got nothing, but I thought this needed a #3

  13. “I’m glad they specify that it’s a “full” water buffalo, because there’s nothing worse than getting an empty water buffalo (which I assume would be like a sleeping bag with hooves).” Or a HALF a water buffalo! Not sure which would be worse, the head half or the other half! Great post. Cracked me up.

  14. Oh and I was going to get one of those elf on a shelf things for the cats….then I saw the price, so I’m going to make my own with a second hand doll from the charity store, some red crepe paper and shit loads of glitter…

  15. I love heifer.org – what a fantastic organization! I’ll definitely be sharing this to my FB/twitter/blog world! good for you for doing something great and helping others feel good by doing something great!

  16. Are water buffalo good eating? I like water, and I like meat buffalo, so I’m assuming I’ll like water buffalo too. I can’t wait to taste it.

  17. I love how there is a cat in the background busy not being impressed. That is real skill considering how awesome this was (because given an elf and dead hamster, I would have also done this). Of course, I am presuming that the cat is still alive…I could be wrong about that one. (Do you have any dead stuffed cats?!)

  18. Tell me more about this version of The Neverending Story in which Falkor is a crunchy undead hamster with wings and Atreyu is an evil Christmas elf. It sounds amazing/terrifying.

  19. Dude. I will be humming The Neverending Story theme ALL DAY now, thanks to you, and every time I do I’ll be thinking about dry humping a hamster*. Great.

    *Not that I’ve ever dry humped a hamster, for clarification.

  20. Looking forward to seeing what you do with that elf. My son is only 5 and already he’s questioning the “magic” behind this thing. Apparently, I’m not the only one slightly creeped out by those eyes.

  21. I think you’re going to have a few thousand people donating things. That might be enough to make you and James Garfield to become saints. But that is probably really offensive. Whoops.

  22. PJ donation: because everyone deserves to celebrate jammy-time properly.

    Also, GAH! Sorry, those elves freak me the fuck out. I would feel like it was going to slit my throat in the middle of the night. Look at it’s face! It totally WANTS to kill people.

  23. Make sure you check on Pinterest for ideas to do with the Elf. Crazy creative, although NO ONE will see the hampster/Never Ending Story coming. That is why you OWN the internet!

  24. The charity part is of course awesome. The elf was a little freaky, mostly because it looked like drunk Pinnochio for a second, but now I can see it’s only an elf so that’s ok. I’m not sure what I found so alarming about drunken Pinnochio…

  25. I don’t have kids yet but I did get an Elf on the Shelf this year to use for husband torture. My post today was actually about my elf too.

    I donated to Heifer.org last year at your suggestion. I bought the ass-end of an ass (or donkey or something) for my best friend. I also made her a chocolate chip cookie the size of her head though, so she was totally fine with it.

  26. Awesome!
    Although an empty water buffalo would be kind of appropriate for a taxidermy-loving girl, don’t you think? You could stuff it with all sorts of.. Stuff. And then vice it a saxapbkne to play.

  27. My daughter just finished a fundraiser for Heifer International, where the kids read books, and got people to sponsor them. Kid read 52 books, and raised $200 all by her lonesome… And she’s 9. Pretty proud of her! Heifer is awesome, thanks for the water buffalo!

  28. you are wonderful and awesome, and full of goodness and zaniness. It is no wonder you have a potential saint dwelling with you

  29. Why are you posing the elf to look like he’s humping a dead hamster. And does the fact that the hamster is dead make it better or worse? I’m so confused.

    A feeling I imagine the hamster shares.

  30. First of all Hurray on the project!
    Second,exactly how much was shipping on the water buffalo?
    Third, if it is a full water buffalo my first thought was it must have to pee. Will they let it pee before they ship it? because if not, well one either the shipping package is going to be one hellova mess when it arrives or two it will probably pee all over when you first open it. That could be discouraging for a first time water buffalo recipient. I mean, my dog pee’s alot after the day in the kennel, I can’t even imagine how much a water buffalo would pee after being shipped across country.

  31. I have to assume that “full” means the water buffalo arrives well-fed. Which is only good manners, of course. There’s nothing worse than having friends, buffalo, or other people’s children show up on your doorstep starving. You might start to think they only come for the food.

  32. Am totally doing that with our elf, by the way. He returns Saturday. Pretty sure he will want to come riding in on the Barbie unicorn. I can just feel it.
    Great project. There cannot be enough helping at the holidays! 🙂

  33. Awesome, is an empty water buffalo cheaper? You are too entertaining, loving reading your book missing Jaunita

  34. My grandparents decided a few years ago that they don’t need any more stuff and if we have to give them gifts, they’d prefer if we made donations instead. I’ve been struggling to decide what charity to donate to this year, especially after Sandy. I live in Connecticut and while we were pretty much unaffected by Sandy and the Nor’easter, our coastline and neighboring states weren’t nearly so lucky. Project Night Night sounds like a good option to help out. They’re going to have to wait a few weeks though because once this month’s bills are all paid, I’m going to have all of $40 to my name until the next pay day because grad school is awesome like that. 🙂

  35. I laughed so hard at the caption on the shelf elf pic – mainly because I remember that movie and used to watch it every time it was on tv!

    Heifer International is an awesome organization. If you’re ever in the Little Rock area, stop by Heifer’s headquarters. They have a Learning Center at Heifer Village that shows how a donated animal can help an entire village of people.

    You are an inspiration. I totally want James Garfield to be canonized or whatever they call it.

  36. Could you be a funnier person? Please try. I only peed twice reading this. I am new here but full expect a full 3 to 4 pees in the future.

  37. aw, you got us a water buffalo?? you are SO SWEET! Now, how to break it to the husband he’s gotta build shelter for the thing… 😉 seriously, I love Heifer.org, and had directed another person seeking Awesome Charities to it.

    and… what the hell is it about the Elf on the Shelf? It reminds me of the creeptastic ornaments my gramma would have– I swear the things were homicidal.

  38. Now I’m going to be singing the Neverending Story song all the rest of the day.
    And I want an empty water buffalo. I’m going to name it Bota.

  39. Thank you for the water buffalo but you shouldn’t have. I checked with my HOA. They won’t let me park in the garage of my condo. Maybe you can send him over to a farm where a family needs him?

    I hope you like your gift from me. A bunch of bags of dog food to our local pet food pantry in memory of my dog Blitzkrieg and Barnaby Jones Mr. Pickles.

  40. Loving the Neverending Story reference, and thanks for sharing about Project Night Night. I’ve been donating to our local food bank in my friends and family members’ names for the past few Christmases, and think this looks like a great charity to add to the mix. It’s perfect for my friend who works with homeless youth.

  41. Superstore Sandy sounds evil. Like that horrible boss who never leaves you alone.

    Also, what is our new Water Buffalo’s name?

    ***ps. This was written like as the third comment. Then my phone crashed. So now it’s here.

  42. The sad thing is, I was listening to that song, all on my own, about an hour ago. Don’t judge me.

  43. I bet the Pope has a good sense of humor and would strongly consider your case. And if not, there’s always the internets. We’d back him 100%. 🙂

  44. Yay- it’s payday and I haven’t paid any of my bills yet so I TOTALLY donated. Thank you Jenny for being you and for doing more for other people than you even realize.

  45. I just hope that James led a good a holy life prior to his death. That’s a key part to being a saint.
    Andy maybe we ALREADY have 3 miracles! Maybe JG’s body was used to feed a homeless family! That would totally count.
    You should totally make a holy card for him.
    What should JG be the patron saint of?

  46. Thanks for the water buffalo! When I saw that it was full, I had to go to the loo. So thanks for that too.

    I have the last of three creepy elves that have been in my family for decades. The other two lost their arms at the shoulders. I’m wishing now I had kept them to make zombie elf mascots. Anyway, Mr. C, the kids & I all leave that elf in places meant to startle the unsuspecting. It’s a beloved family tradition – even in the years we don’t do the decorating thing.

  47. I don’t know what’s more creepy. That you think Elf on a Shelf is not just a cat toy (he’s fucking creepy) or that you have a dead hamster at the ready for him to hump. Or ride, or whatever he’s doing to it. I was hoping that I could exchange my water buffalo for a couple of stuffed dead rodents. Would that be okay? Thanks.

  48. Jenny I. Have to say I love you! You remind me of myself except a little more extreme LOL. Not in a had way of course! Also way more talent than me. There is no way I could write about myself like that LOL. Well with the whole donation thing I’ll have to skip it’s a poor Christmas this year as it is for us.

  49. I was having a terrible day until you started “singing” the Never Ending Story theme in this post. To me, the 80’s were defined by that masterpiece of a movie. “Sebastian! Please! Save us!”… “I can’t! I have to keep my feet on the ground!”… “Call my name Sebastian!” … “Alright! I’ll do it! I’ll do what I dreamed!” F@#king genious.
    Also, I’m begging you (on my knees, but not for falatia) to start a board on Pinterest with shelf elf ideas. My in-laws coerced us into this horrible tradition and yet all of the resources out there are so artsy and cutesy that I get rainbow and glitter nauseous while perusing them. I would like to see a “Bloggess’ Guide” to the shelf elf. Much more palatable.

  50. That shelf elf is creepy as fuck all. I mean that is creepytastic. I bet that thing wakes up in the dead of night and you find it standing over your daughter’s bed with a knife.

    You should probably set it on fire.

    It’s the only way.

  51. Funny, I just posted about the Elf on the Shelf this morning- I keep seeing all of these cute and funny stories about these things , but it would take my 8 year old about 15 min to find it and dispatch it in some unspeakable manner.

  52. I am quite sure that the elf thing is far creepier than the hamster, and that hamster is gross as hell.

    I’m kinda short on cash at the moment, but I’ll see if I can get one of the bags. I did donate blood yesterday, which isn’t at all what you asked for, but it made the people at the Red Cross VERY HAPPY.

  53. Just donated! Talk about two good causes…Project Night Night and sainthood for James Garfield.

  54. I’m also glad it’s full. Although if it’s not you can always fill it with something more appealing, such as wine or margaritas.

    Or maybe jello!! A water buffalo full of jello!! A jello buffalo!! How cool would that be?

  55. What an awesome idea 🙂 Both of my kids have blankies that are very important to our nightly routine. Perhaps I will let them both give another kid a blankie to love for Christmas. Oh, and can I just say this elf on the shelf thing is about to become a pain in my ass. I have ducked out of it up until now, but the kids are old enough to ask about it this year. I can only hope to be as creative as you are with my elf placement.

  56. Thank you for the perfect gift idea for my boss, she was just saying she didn’t need any more crap and would rather just have a gift given in her name to charity.

  57. You and James Garfield are such an inspiration! Project Night Night and Heifer International just benefited from your example.

  58. For years, I had nightmares about the flying dog-beast in Neverending Story. Then I finally forgot about it.

    And now…

    Anyway. Project Night Night sounds great.

  59. If you stay in contact with the charity you donated the buffalo to, you could totally ask for the skin back when it dies of old age. Can you imagine how much a taxidermy water buffalo would rock? You would probably have to pay shipping though because a dead buffalo (even emptied out to look like a sleeping bag) is probably heavy. But the best part is that once you get it home and fill it back up it would be a good karma buffalo, because it was a gift that helped people its whole life. It could remind you of your good deed, and maybe it could become a relic or something. Then anyone who came into your living room (because a life size taxidermy water buffalo isn’t something you’d hide away) could touch it and get like nails that never break or some other thing they had always wished for. (At first I thought it would cure illness, but then that sounded really presumptuous of me to imply it would have that much relic power. I’m not really that knowledgeable about relics and how their super powers are chosen. But maybe if the Pope lets James Garfield become a saint, then you could ask the Pope how the powers thing would work…cause you would be in contact…and that is totally something he should know about.)
    I think I might owe a few donations now, for thinking about this rather than your charitable giving campaign or Falkor. I’m going to hit send before I risk offence to anyone else…it might be too late.

  60. “Exceedingly inappropriate” does he know you or WHAT?! Those freaky ass elves are not our friends. And now I’m singing the never ending story song. THANKS.

  61. Ooops, I forgot to mention…I love the rein-hamster idea and those little elves creep me out a bit so you just made it a whole lot better!!

  62. Best, Best, Best $20 I spent today. Thank you sincerely, Jenny. And dude – that James Garfield story gets funnier and funnier with each passing year. It’s become a tradition for me – I sit back with a Southern Comfort Manhattan and laugh myself silly for 10 minutes.

  63. Great cause, and a great way to spread Christmas.
    And now a Veggie Tales song stuck in my head…
    everybody has a water buffalo, yours is fast mine is slow …. Took my buffalo to the store, got his head stuck in the door…

  64. My family is active in a similar organization here in Colorado called The Denver Santa Claus Shop. Toys are donated and purchased and then stored in a warehouse. After toys are sorted, people in need come with birth certificates and get a card worth several toys for each child. It has been around for over 70 years!
    I am so glad that you are heading up a similar effort..
    Merry Christmas to you!

  65. You are so awesome.

    And renita? NO. You are not the only one singing the water buffalo song. Not at ALL.

  66. A half a water buffalo would be disappointing too depending on what half you get. I have to get back to humming the Neverending Story theme to myself now.

  67. I think it is amazing how you always remind your readers what Christmas is all about–sharing and helping others. :]

    You’re an inspiration!

  68. I want to get one of those Elf on a Shelf just so I can make an example of what happens to SNITCHES!

    On a serious note, I’m on board for trying to get ya’all that sainthood thing and passing it around my corner of the interbutz.

  69. For some reason my blog links haven’t posted here the past few times so I’m beginning to wonder if I’m banned or something and if that’s the case, holy crap what did I do because I don’t even use profanity in my blog posts?!?!

  70. Loved the wild bronc bustin elf but loved the tip on Project Night Night even more and have shared their page after donating. Great cause!

  71. I would totally join a cult – I mean *religion* – that has an animal as their Saint AND has his head stuffed and mounted.

    You have permission to knock on my door when his miracles are officially recognised. I’ll bring the Myrrh.

  72. I agree with someone UP THERE ^^^ who said that the elf looks like a drunk Pinocchio. Something about him riding that hamster looked sexual to me, which I’m going to take the blame for since I assume that it has far less to do with how the elf and hamster couple look and far more to do with the weird shit I tend to think about. Loving the charity thing – anything for kids at holiday time is a no-brainer; if you don’t at least WANT to help kids, you must be Satan or something. Who the hell doesn’t want to help kids? The more we help now, the less fucked up they’ll be when they grow up. You are, as always, awesome.

  73. Some see the water buffalo as half empty, but I see that motherfucker as half full. Because I’m awesome like that.

    You see what I did there?



  74. A water buffalo? SQUEE!!!! I figure this story is worthy of you. I’ve been to Vietnam a couple times for work, and the first time I went, I quickly became a fan of the water buffalo. It was just this surreal thing seeing the local farmers grazing the giants in the highway median or right along side the road. While returning to the big city to get home, we stopped for gas and to stretch, and there was a guy grazing several right next to the gas station. I made our interpreter ask if I could pet them. After I was given permission and did so, the interpreter told me that the farmer’s *actual* response was more along the lines of “WTF???? She can try, but if she gets gored, I’m not responsible.” YOGTPWBO (you only get to pet water buffalo once), or something…

  75. I didn’t get to donate the last two years, so I’m excited to participate this year! Hope we meet the goal because James Garfield definitely deserves to be sainted!
    And now, “Everybody’s got a water buffalo. Your’s is fast but mine is slow….”

  76. Thanks…now I can’t get the Neverending Story theme song to stop playing on an infinite loop inside my brain.

  77. Any idea on when the cut off point is for donating? I really want to but I’m strapped for cash until Dec 20 when I get paid next. 🙁 That isn’t too late, is it?

    (It’s not too late. They donate to homeless children year round. ~ Jenny)

  78. Everyone should know the benefit of a full water buffalo- it’s the gift that keeps on giving. (As long as you have a giant pooper-scooper.) Water buffali(?) give in so many ways. Milk? Check. Plowing strength? Check. Masses and masses of “fertilizer”? Double check.

  79. Thanks for the Water Buffalo, I love it! I donated 2 packages to Project Night Night in honor of James Garfield (I’m really rooting for his Sainthood). Merry Christmas!

  80. Bought my bag. One step closer to 1,000 and sainthood for James Garfield. He totally deserves it!(and so do you)

  81. Up until this blog post, I’ve been afraid to tell others how terrified I am of those shelf-elves. Did nobody see Child’s Play or Magic? Those things are going to stage a Doctor Who-style attack on all humans, and I’m going to have to save everyone with a garden shovel because I’ll be the only one left who’s not under their control… Anyway, seeing one riding Falkor the hamster has given me some respite, and I thank you.

    I’ll find a way to donate, and I re-posted on the facebooks.

  82. Oooh!
    Everybody have a water buffalo,
    your’s is fat but mine is slow1
    Oh where did we get them?
    I don’t know!
    Everybody has a water buffalooooo!

    I took my buffalo to the store,
    got his head stuck in the door!
    Spilt some lima beans upon the floor!
    Everybody has a water buffalooooo!

  83. Before I scrolled down and saw the text, I thought the elf was having sex with the hamster…

  84. I can honestly say that I find those elves a wee bit terrifying. It seems like they would be in a horror scene where the camera pans innocently across a child’s shelf of toys, only to linger ever so slightly on the elf, whose eyes will suddenly dart to the side proving it is a sentient being out to destroy human kind by slowly strangling children one by one in their sleep with it’s deceptively harmless looking arms. Who needs arms that long? There’s only one use for arms that long and it’s use is to increase one’s already exceptional ability to commit strangulation of innocent Christmas supporters in their sleep.

    Fear that elf, for it plots your demise, and it’s turning your naturally dead hamster into its own, admittedly bad ass, murder vehicle.

  85. You’ve got a big heart, Bloggess. Seriously, you need to get that thing looked at…
    But this was a great post: Naughty and nice. You can’t beat that, right?

  86. I think you saved Hailey from permanent damage by taking the shelf elf. They creep me out big time.

  87. I “won” my office request for our holiday charity give away, and my submission was Project Night Night. Everyone in my office is really excited about participating-thank you so much for publicizing them!

  88. Sebastian! SAY MY NAME!

    Which as an adult takes on an entirely new meaning. It’s like that moment you realize what that song you sang all the time as a kid was really about.

    But now I’m all “Artax… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

    And I’m ruined for the day :'(

  89. Motherfucker.

    Now I’ll have the Neverending Story themesong (Chewy looks much like Falcor, by the way) AND that elf is creepy as hell. Therefore, I expect Falcor/Elf nightmares tonight.

  90. It’s a pain to get out of sleeping bags so one with hooves might come in handy. If something startles you in the night, you could stampede while still in your sleeping bag.

  91. Just bought two bags and next paycheck I will buy a goat. I hope the water buffalo and the goat become friends and have grand adventures.

  92. I think it was the book that got me. Then the picture of the kids. Jeez. I’m being a softy today. I donated.

  93. I didn’t get a chance to donate last year, but just today we have sponsored a Night Night package. Just thinking about the kids in need got me all teary-eyed here at work. Thank you for helping them; this is a fantastic charity.

  94. Bought a bag! Love that they accept paypal, did not even have to move to grab a credit card out of my purse. Lazy people everywhere rejoice!

  95. You should totally start a foundation for James Garfield, like those foundations that sponsor NPR shows. Instead of “Morning edition is made possible by the Carnegie Foundation: Doing what Andrew Carengie called real and permanent good”, it could be “All Things Considere is brought to you by The James Garfield Foundation: Spreading awesomeness to the awesome impaired since 2012”. To raise funds you could sell “James Garfield for president” shirts and donate the funds to charities that help the awesome impaired. It could be the next big movement.

  96. You and your whole family are truly wonderful people. Heifer is a fantastic organization and the people they help benefit much more than a “gaily wrapped gift ” of some “newest thing “. My family and I ( including my 3 year
    old g-dtr ) try to help as much as possible. We are vegans and this year I qualified for a free turkey from the grocery store. So Kikue and I are putting together an entire meal ( uncooked ) and taking it to a homeless shelter. Kik is excited and it is another way to show her how to help others. I know this is not nearly up to the standards of comments by all your friends, but I am so proud of my g-dtr and wanted to share. Everybody – happy holidays and don’t forget it is also a celebration of Winter Solstice which we will celebrate because we do not believe in any organized religion or the manufactured holiday season. Feel free to delete this – it doesn’t come up to your standards and I realize that. Sometimes, a little less snark is necessary to express one’s true character. ( BTW, I feel a compulsion to add that I really do have a sense of humor )

  97. I don’t have children and I don’t like to be a grinch, but I hate Elf on the Shelf… mostly because my pinterest feed ends up inundated with “great” ideas about how to entertain children with the elf’s hijinks. Shouldn’t the kid be watching TV or something? Come on!

  98. It dosen’t matter if you’ve been naughty or nice…that creepy Elf on the shelf is going to kill you one night while your sleeping.

    Hahahaha I saw that on pinterest!

  99. I have always wanted a water buffalo! In someone else’s house, of course. Not mine. I’m sure they’d mess up my carpets pretty bad. Even worse than my children do. So, I hope it went to a good home with stain resistant carpet.

  100. So will you be taxidermy-ing the water buffalo? PS – you’re sweet to help all of those people. We all do what we can, esp at the holidays, but you’re able to have such a great impact – it’s wonderful!

  101. I think the shelf elf thing is probably way more awesome at your house with all your taxidermy than it would be at mine. We only keep the antlers.

  102. A water buffalo!!! Truly the gift that keeps on giving. Literally.

    I’m in the “elf creeps me out” camp, too. Only one in our house snitching to Santa is ME, because Mom has eyes everywhere. I don’t need a weird stuffed sprite trying to take my job.

    And I gave to Project Night Night. Will there be a big party for James Garfield’s sainthood? If so, we should all be invited.

  103. I love this post for 2 reasons:
    1) being from Long Island I think it’s incredibly important for these kids to have some sense of normalcy this holiday and Project NightNight is an amazing organization.

    2) just brought my newborn Bastian home and the Neverending Story pictures are AWESOME!

    The Bloggess is genius!

  104. LOL. If not for the Neverending Story reference, the elf might have been creepy. 🙂

  105. I see I’m already 160+ posts behind the first Silly Songs With Larry reference, but really it’s too apt

  106. I have to admit to being a bit unclear about the technicalities of catholicism; but if James Garfield becomes a saint do we all become his elves?

    Anyway, a great cause Jenny.

  107. We do need to get those letters out to the Pope. Anyone have his address? Though I guess “The Vatican” may do….

  108. I have heard the theme song to Neverending Story on the radio three times in the last month – I live in Mexico and radio is awesome here.

    Also, thank you for the water buffalo, it looks delicious! I assume because it’s mostly water I do not have to count it toward weight watchers points – which makes me salivate just thinking about it. I hope it doesn’t get lost in the post!

  109. That elf is really enjoying himself waaaaay too much. Is he making believe he’s everywhere, living in your eyes?
    I think it’s wonderful that you’re supporting a charity. I’ll post it on my social networks!

  110. That elf is creepy. Yet somehow, I think that making ride a taxidermied hamster makes him LESS CREEPY! It’s magical!

    On a more serious note, I think that what you do through raising awareness for all kinds of issues, self-esteem, anxiety, etc., is amazing. Your dedication to helping people around the world is inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to do what you do and for encouraging your readers to reach out where they normally wouldn’t.

  111. De-cloaking to say “done!” and “yikes!” @ the elf – it looks like one of those ventriloquist dummies that starts telling his operator to slice people open with a meat cleaver, until the poor man* is finally brought down in a hail of bullets, leaving the dummy unscathed to kill again… I may have over-thought this.

    * and it always is a man – this would never have happened to that nice Shari Lewis, even though Lambchop always creeped me the hell out.

  112. Hi, Jenny, I promise I’m not spamming you, but I wanted to share this link with you and don’t know how to do it short of commenting:


    You see all sorts of interesting things on TV while waiting to be discharged from a hospital, and this morning I stumbled across a show on the science channel that talked about the shop from the link above. After watching the show and checking the website I think you would love nearly everything that is in there. The shop is in San Francisco, so I wasn’t sure if you would know about already or not. If not, here it is and happy browsing!

  113. Okay, so I just saw this video, Le Taxidermiste, and it is so PERFECT for you! You have got to watch this, but it probably would not be good for Victor to see it…

  114. Thank you for the water buffalo. His name is Water Buffalo Springfield, but he prefers to be called W.B. I called him Mr. Springfield and he was all “Dude, Mr.Sprngfield was my father. I’m W.B.”. Then he skulked off to smoke something he had hidden in his yoke.

  115. My parents asked what I wanted for Christmas, so I’ve asked them to donate in my name. Well, specifically in my dog’s name, which is Mia. But I call her Raoul Wallenberg for short. Honestly, I was inspired by the part in your book when you asked your parents to take a picture of toys donated to Toys for Tots on your behalf as your present. Really, I have too much crapola. So much so that I store the excess under the bed. And other places.

  116. You should fly to the UK and go to this:

    This class will teach you basic traditional taxidermy. Whether you want to create a masterpiece or just interested in the process, everyone is welcome to join up to this comprehensive easy to understand class led by Mabel Edwards. The class will be aimed at creating a natural, life-like mount of a mouse, but please feel free to bring any miniature props with you if you would rather explore a more anthropomorphic approach.

  117. you AND doris day for sainthood??? jesus. i might have died and gone to heaven already. i am checking out this james garfield thing today. and also, elf on the shelf is a creepy sonofabitch and i am so happy to see him finally where he belongs…with some already-dead animals. so, thank you?

  118. Thank you for doing this, and for the water buffalo. You are a sweetie. And I am sure you will make sure your daughter gets her own shelf elf.

  119. OMG, the elf on the hamster???? And the Neverending Story???? You are so f–in’ funny!!! Thanks so much for the link and bringing awareness to this worthy cause. You are truly a rock star!!!

  120. Jenny – I haven’t been able to follow along for awhile – work was just so busy, but I was thinking – I gotta get to the Bloggess to find out where I am going to buy my charity gifts for/from. I am so excited to help you help them. I’m going to ask the internets for help too! Maybe they will!

  121. I had no idea water buffalo was so affordable. At that price, who can afford not to buy a full water buffalo? Although, I am wondering if leasing one is an option…

  122. You’re my first comment on a blog ever. Thanks for making me laugh and for giving me the courage to write outloud. It’s been good therapy.

  123. I-LOVE-YOU! and James Garfield and Hamster Dragons and all my fellow smart-asses who comment!

  124. You are most excellent. And also I’m listening to music while reading this so Never Ending Story is being sung to the tune of You Never Can Tell by Chuck Berry .

  125. I totally donated to Project Night Night and I posted it all over my Facebook wall. I know other people donated when I did that too 🙂 So awesome!

  126. This is the only good use of those terrifying elf-on-the-shelf I have ever seen! It almost makes me want one. But not quite,those things are really freaking horrifying.

  127. HAHA I’m with Victor on this one I can’t wait to start Elf on the Shelf with my little one, though I will never be able to give her the joy of seeing him ride a stuffed hamster…touche Bloggess.

  128. I just wanted to thank you, Jenny. Because of your post last year, I joined WishUponaHero. In just one year now, I have helped in making 61 wishes come true.

  129. I LOVE The Never ending story!!!

    “Everybody’s got a waterbuffalo. Yours is fast but mine is slow. Oh where you get them I don’t know, but everybody’s got a waterbuffalo!! I took my buffalo to the store, got his head stuck in the door….spilled some lima beans on the floor…….”

  130. I bought an ex a goat last year for Christmas, and now I keep getting mail about the organization wanting me to buy more and more animals. I don’t think he even ate the goat I gave him, that ingrate. 😉 Seriously though, heifer.org is a great org-anization.

  131. Thanks for the water buffalo! I confess, I really want to combine it with Elf on the Shelf…

    Although ever since I’ve seen that creepy little… um… dollthing, I’ve wanted to crash on the couch of a house that has it on a Sharpie-equipped “elf day,” and write, “I could have killed you, instead…” on my face.

  132. ACK! The Neverending Story is my stay-home-sick-from-school movie! That song was my internal soundtrack to anything even mildly epic, and I appreciate – from the very BOTTOM of my heart – that you felt so inspired.

    Also, thank you for using your social powers for good! You’ve beat Google by a long shot, and making people’s lives better is so so wonderful. (I’d be more eloquent, but I’m supposed to be writing a paper right now.)

  133. We have this elf too! Skirt and all. I certainly hope her sister gets in as much trouble as she does. Wooo!

  134. And now I’ve got “Everybody’s Got a Water Buffalo” from Veggie Tales stuck in my head. Thanks.

  135. Donated for the 2nd year. I also shared on my Facebook page. Thank you for it all, everything.

  136. So is a FULL water buffalo full of water? Because that’s a whole lot cheaper than building a well, and it’s portable. We could send full water buffalos to areas of the world that need water! And is there a half full option for half price?
    Also, isn’t that the hamster you received in the mail from an unknown source? So how do we know it died from natural causes?
    And I’m going to sing the Veggie Tales song the rest of the day with Emily ^above^.

  137. I don’t know if you are tracking donations from your fanbase (towards the James Garfield sainthood, of course) but I just donated to Project Night Night.

    What a superb idea. I will be sharing links to this organization and Heifer International on my Facebook page.

    Thank you, Jenny, for inspiring people to be good and help others.

  138. I gave to the night night, cool cause, I love it! Thanks for W.B. I also love him/her. GAH, I dont even know the sex of my own water buffalo! I love the comments, so funny! Ill be sharing on my facebook, Jenny, good job!

  139. That felt good. Almost better than sex, wait, that was better than sex since I don’t get anything out of the sex but a kid gets an almost but not quite taxidermy animal, jammies and a blanket. This is my new tradition. Next time hubby wants sex I can honestly say I found something better.

  140. Just bought a NNP – needed a “gift” for a family who has everything….so I’m giving them the honor of knowing the money for their gift went to a child who has nothing. Thank you so much for posting this!

  141. I’ve no idea how you track this stuff..but, la! There’s another donation in James Garfield’s name.

  142. I don’t know if I did it wrong. I donated on your behalf but it did not let me say that anywhere so I hope it goes to your total.

    Then again its a pack for a child so who cares if it get added to your total donations really?

  143. I like to think that we’re making a whole menagerie of quirky taxidermied stars…sky-hung stuffed animals, keeping the darkness from getting too dark.

    Thank you for helping us help.

  144. I didn’t see anywhere to say that this was in James Garfield’s name, but I added a bag to the pile.

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