I suspect I’ve set a record for not being chosen to be on game shows

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  I think if I was ever on a game show and I didn’t know the answer I’d just say “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” because then the host would be forced to say “No.  That is incorrect.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  So basically Pat Sajak would be on tv implying that children should be forcibly put on spikes.  And then I’d be like “Well, I want a second opinion, Pat.  Because children are not kabobs.

Victor:  I’m not even listening to you anymore.


In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by So Then…Stories, where Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters and blunders – and invites you to do the same.  I highly recommend.

122 thoughts on “I suspect I’ve set a record for not being chosen to be on game shows

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m so happy to see Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on there. You deserve all the success in the world. Your blog, your book, your kindness and your heart keep me going. #furiouslyhappy

  2. That is a game show I would watch. Also one in which cats were the only contestants because they would get all bitchy like the housewives of various counties (because cats are like that), except with less plastic surgery.

  3. I voted for your book on Goodreads, so…. you’re welcome 🙂 🙂 And, also, i very much believe that you should be on Wheel of Fortune. It’s the most fun of alllllllll the game shows.

  4. Oh, Mr. Blobby. He even had a music video. The UK has an embarrassing history of novelty pop songs at Christmas. Not something we like to admit when exporting our brand of Shakespearean thespians for Oscar duty.

  5. Should you opt to offer such a statement on a game show, it’s pretty much a certainty that you would win – if only because the judges, the host, and the other contestants would be afraid of what might happen if you do not.

  6. Oh what a fun idea! You could take that in so many directions. You could say, there should be equal rights for all. Babies should never ever be left in a cave to be brought up by wolves. Bacon is delicious, ok that one is really subjective. But really the possibilities are endless. Victor, lighten up.

  7. When my kids aren’t listening to me, I’ll end a sentence with, “And THAT is how babies are made!”

    That will teach them…

  8. Why have no game shows figured out you’re a celebrity yet? You should at least be on 1 vs 100 or something!

  9. Excellent. I’m totally using that idea if I’m ever on a game show. It really doesn’t matter if I know the right answer or not because, let’s be serious, I wasn’t going to make it to the final round regardless.

  10. Ahh, Mr Blobby… That brings back memories! He used to be a character on Noel Edmonds House Party, although he might not have started out on that. He was seriously disturbing. Gave me nightmares as a kid.

  11. Maybe you could ask for medieval torture methods for $500 Alex and then get the Daily Double! Or play Family Feud with the topic being “Top 5 things you never want to hear your pediatrician say”! 😉

  12. I think I’d be that person that always waged .01 more than the top bidder.

    Ugly Renaissance Babies is awesome. Thank you for the introduction. My life is complete.

  13. I clicked on the leather jacket link on the Mal page, and got this:

    “Darn. This item is no longer available.

    The item “Leather Brown Coat” by clgbutterfly cannot be viewed.

    But! Here are some similar items from other shops.”

    And the similar items were all leather corsets.

  14. I SO want to see you do that to Pat Sajak. Alex Trebek could use a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to take the stiff out of his sails, too. Maybe an implication that using corn cob holders to pick up kittens is okay? I don’t know. You’re better at this than I am.

  15. So happy to hear about the success of Project Night Night. Also I would pay good money to see you humiliate Pat Sajak. And finally, Sajak looks funny spelled out.

  16. You could probably get onto Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. Also, the ball of twine. Maybe you should show NF that you’re a good sport by posing with a head of garlic for my blog.

  17. You are SO right it’s scary. I love that you think about these things too, as a “just in case” scenario. You would make an excellent boy scout. You know, if you were a boy.

  18. I think the next words you hear after “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” will probably be something more like, “we’ll be right back after this short break.”

  19. I know this isn’t what you intended… okay, I think this isn’t what you intended. But in my messed up head, the link to ‘Meowy Christmas’ appear to lead to an image of your cat peering through the window of a clothes dryer. Seriously. Go back and look at it, with that big square around the circle, and the rectangle at the bottom. I thought, “OMG, she’s shoved the cat in the dryer just to get a funny photo!” Then I realized that was ridiculous. Because the cat would have climbed in by itself. My poor brain. So easily confused.

  20. Thanks so much for Ugly Renaissance Babies. I believe some of those high art classics are the reason why I’ve remained childless.

  21. Though I don’t really want to be on a game show because I get that deer-in-the-headlights look anytime I have to do something in front of an audience, I’m accompanying my mother to The Wheel of Fortune auditions this month. I’m oh so good at hang man so it should be a no problem.

    I love the Ugly Renaissance Babies site.

  22. Please tell me you’ve watched The Big Fat Quiz of the year before. It is one of the things I look forward to every year.

  23. Or you could just say “Jesus.” That’s usually the right answer. Oh wait – maybe that’s just in Sunday school.

  24. Congratulations on your Goodreads Award! And the top row no less. Wow.
    The closest I have come to Malcolm Reynolds is seeing the Castle set in downtown LA. They had covered the trees and ground in snow and it was 80 degrees. Nope. It didn’t melt. When we walked by the next day, it was gone. I wondered if they had a giant vacuum cleaner or Dirt Devil? Who knows…. 🙂

  25. Mal and Genuine Hemp Twine!!!
    Somebody who reads you set this up!!! How wonderful. 😉
    We are everywhere. Those of us who read you that is.

  26. So I just saw an ad on TV for the show “Immortalized”. I am Canadian and saw it on the channel AMC….I think you (and perhaps your father as well) may be interested. Maybe you can gather some ideas there…

  27. I think I’m going to have Mr Blobby nightmares tonight. That was a kind of disturbing I was not prepared for.

  28. I don’t know, Victor, that seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to the problem.

    Also, hilarious that you have to link to Pat Sajek. Everyone should know who he is

  29. I’m pretty sure Kid Kebabs taste like lamb…

    And that Mr. Bobby shit was so freaking hilarious I had to wipe away the tears!

  30. Ah, Mr Blobby! He first appeared on British TV as a prop/character in a show that liked to play tricks on celebrities where celebs would be asked to make guest appearances on a new kids’ show that featured Mr Blobby. His creepiness was part of the joke, especially when you had all these celebs taking him so seriously. Things went too far when he managed to get the Number 1 Christmas song that year though.

  31. That is awesome, except I just spit tea all over myself… I can’t imagine what a game show host/the audience would do in reaction to something that that. Whatever they did, it would be epic, of this I am sure.

    We live in Hungary right now and I just got your book, if I mail it to you, would you sign it and send it back? I’ll pay the shipping!

    (Send an email to Mary at thebloggess.com and she can send you an extra bookplate. 🙂 ~ Jenny )

  32. I am in tears over that me blobby vid. That is genius!
    Must’ve seen it 7 times now and I’m laughing harder and harder. Thank you!!

  33. Oh and babies on spikes would be better off that being babysat by mr. Blobby… So. There.

  34. So when you say ‘forcibly’ if I was to accidently trip and drop one of my neighbours spawn of satan on a spike, would that be ok? Also, I couldn’t open the Mr Blobby video, something to do with copyright or something…although I don’t know why I even tried to honest. We have had about as much as we should have take of that pink spotty arsehole over the years..Chris’ nan once got mistaken for Mr Blobby..Well, when I say ‘mistaken’ I mean some kids said “Look! there’s Mr Blobby!” on account of her being a lady of sizable proportions and wearing a pink coat (which she hasn’t worn since).

  35. I am in a point in my life where i would pay good money to see a montage of you on a game show with a shit ton of answers like that.

  36. Holy shit, that person included the twine… If someone buys that and doesn’t know to take a picture of the holding it, in costume, and then tweet it then they are dumb.

  37. I did not mean to laugh at Taxiderpy, but then I saw that thing dominating the globe and I couldn’t stop.

  38. I’m so glad my job affords me the time to look at all those Ugly Renaissance Babies. Laughing like a hyena at the receptionist’s desk.

  39. I posted this on Twitter: “I offer readers of #TwitterFiction Executive Severance only blood, toil, sweat and tears-same as Fifty Shades of Grey” as it was just “favorited” by the Fifty Shades of Grey” Twitter account! Let’s see if my book sales now skyrocket!

  40. OMG. The Mr. Blobby one features JP! BLOGGESS–You need to watch the UK show “Fresh Meat.” You would love it.

  41. Did anyone else look at Taxiderpy and just say, “WTF is that?!” That was my reaction to most of those.

    Also, WTF is Mr. Bloppy? That is the scariest damn thing (besides the taxiderpy page) that I’ve ever seen.


  42. I read your post as “CHICKEN should not be forcibly placed on spikes”. And then I began to think, “Why not?” Chicken kabobs are incredibly tasty!

  43. You still haven’t beat my record for being ignored by morning shows, talk shows, agents, publishers and Ellen Degeneres. I’ve got that sucker locked up tight…

  44. You got on there because we all voted for you because you’re a badass and just as crazy as we are in all the right ways. Also because you look equally as smashing on a Jumbotron and dressed as a TARDIS.
    Shine on, you crazy diamond.

  45. I love how the reason children shouldn’t be forcibly placed on spikes isn’t because it’s dangerous or cruel or painful – but because children aren’t kabobs. Duh. 🙂

  46. But what if they’re those really mean children? You know the ones that pick on the weird kids, and blurt out how old and fat you supposedly are when you try to tell them that “No, the kitty doesn’t like it when you try to shave the fur off their tails”

  47. The indefinable humor on this blog doesn’t fool anyone–the intelligence is palpable! Therefore I’m stopping by to make sure that everyone here has seen the new film Lincoln.

    Smartest thing that’s been on the screen since West Wing.

  48. Maybe you should email Mr. Sahel and ask if he’ll take a picture holding a kabob skewer…

  49. Holy Shit! That Blobby thing is fucking hysterical! LOL! Wow, thanks! Also, glad the night night org is doing great, again, great job Jenny!

  50. Oh my gosh!!! Ireally hope you DO get on a game show someday. I’d prefer to see you on Jeopardy though because Trebek annoys me. Watching him try to handle that response would be great!

  51. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.


  52. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.


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