For the love of James Garfield

When I say the name “James Garfield” if it means anything to you other than that amazingly awesome were-bear-hog thing that Jenny was robbed of because her husband didn’t understand the importance of James Garfield” then you need to stop reading this and go read this first. Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Done?

Good.  Because I spent an entire week mourning the loss of James Garfield.  I brought him up constantly.  I showed pictures of him to my in-laws during Thanksgiving dinner.  Every time Victor made a joke I was all “Oh, James Garfield would have loved that” and then I’d look longingly out the window and sigh.  It was distressing for everyone concerned.  Mostly for me and James Garfield.

Then, this afternoon, Victor said he wanted to drive around and so I stuck my nose in a book and when I looked up THERE WAS JAMES GARFIELD.  I mean, not *right* there but it was the house that James Garfield was from, so close enough, and I screamed “OH MY GOD, THIS IS JAMES GARFIELD’S HOUSE” and Victor was all “Well, I was going to see if I could talk them down to $50 for that damn thing so you’d shut up about it but looks like they’re closed” and I’m all “RING THE DOORBELL!  MAKE THEM GIVE YOU JAMES GARFIELD” and Victor kind of huffed in disgusted sort of way but it was that defeated kind of huff where you can tell that they’ve already given up all hope and he went to the door and disappeared into the house and just when I started to think that he’d been murdered and that I’d lost both my husband and James Garfield he stepped back outside AND HIS ARMS WERE JAMES GARFIELDLESS.  So I’m all “Where is James Garfield?  Did someone else get him?  Did you get their credit card number because maybe we can track him” and Victor was all “No. No one bought him and the guy inside asked me if you needed therapy” and I’m all “No he didn’t” and he’s all “Yeah, he did.  I said ‘Sorry to bother you but my wife is obsessed with that giant stuffed pig and so if you still have it I’d like to make you an offer‘ and the guy at the door said ‘Really?  Is your wife in therapy?‘  True story.”  Then I just kind of glared at Victor because this wasn’t really answering my primary question of where the hell is James Garfield and turns out that the guy wouldn’t take $50 because he said that “the tusks were worth $60″ and he’d sooner just pull out James’ teeth and sell them on Ebay and this is when I lost. my. shit. I’m all “HE’S GOING TO DISMEMBER JAMES GARFIELD?!”  (There isn’t a font big enough to portray my indignation here but it was palpable.  Like, so much so that it woke up Hailey in the backseat and she was all “Hey, isn’t this the house where we saw James Garfield?”)  Then Victor was like “I am not paying $90 for that thing” and I’m all “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!”  And seriously, I was really kind of pissed because 1) that guy was totally holding James Garfield hostage and was clearly part of the mafia and 2) because why are we even having this discussion? JUST PAY THE GUY AND GET JAMES GARFIELD IN THE DAMN CAR.  Then Victor sighed really loudly and went back inside and like 5 minutes later he came out of the house carrying James Garfield like some kinda goddamn American hero.

James Garfield and Victor.  This is my favorite picture ever.

James Garfield and Victor. This is like, my favorite picture of Victor *ever*.

Honestly, I cried a little.  Hailey clapped and cheered.  Victor had his eyes rolled so far back in his head that I was surprised he could still see.  James Garfield looked like if he was alive he would have licked Victor in gratitude.

I mean, James Garfield is happy.  Not Victor.  Victor wasn't really happy at all.  Victor was *chagrined* at best.

I mean, James Garfield is happy. Not Victor. Victor was *chagrined* at best.

IT WAS AWESOME.  Except that Victor was still pissed off that I made him spend $90 on a stuffed pig so I told him that James Garfield would totally make that money up.  This is where you come in.  I need 9 of you to buy a handmade James Garfield Xmas/Hanukah card for $10.  Handmade by me.  Lovingly. Blank or made out to you with a special greeting.  Or I can make it an angry hate-mail and send it anonymously to that bitch in the next cubicle that you hate so much.  Whatever you want.  And I’ll stick a Bloggess sticker in there too.  Just email me if you’re in.  (jenny@thebloggess.com)   And if more than 9 of you actually want a card I’ll use the extra cash to engrave a brass nameplate that says something like, “The Irrepressible James Garfield“.

Victor says it should say “The Unreturnable James Garfield.”  Victor is on thin ice.

But right now, James Garfield is looking down at me and practically daring me not finish my book.  James Garfield is paying for himself.  In motivation.

Hailey is playing me in this picture.  Also, yes.  I have a lot of shit on my desk.

Hailey is playing me in this picture. Also, that pink thing is a paper rose. Not a used kleenex. Thought I should clarify.

Victor says “motivation won’t pay the water bill”.  I’m all, “We pay for water?”

Victor is refusing to talk to me.  Probably because he’s embarrassed that he got suckered into paying for water.

Comment of the day: Never has there been a more pure expression of love than buying your wife the mangled boar’s head she’s been dreaming of.  Diamonds are forever, but boar’s heads are fucking AWESOME and they cost, like, $300 less than diamonds so Victor pretty much made the best choice ever. He shouldn’t feel chagrined. He should feel like a fucking provider. ~ Allie

302 replies. read them below or add one

  1. AWESOMEness!! I live in Houston, can I make a pilgrimage to see THE James Garfield? I, mean, wow, just wow. And if I can make said pilgrimage, can I hug Victor?

    Such. freakin’. coolness. in the H-Town!

  2. Oh, forgot to mention, I’d pay a $10 “entrance fee” to see James Garfield on said pilgrimage if that helps any…

  3. This is the best thing I read all weekend. Congratulations on your new family member!
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..It’s been all Emo-y in here. =-.

  4. James Garfield actually looks like he’s laughing triumphantly in the second picture, but somehow still manages to look terrifying in the third one. Who WOULDN’T want a wall display with such a range of emotion? James Garfield will suit your taste no matter WHAT mood you’re in.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Song #26: Waltz of the Flowers (Nutcracker Suite) – Tchaikovsky… =-.

  5. I left this on your last post, but i figured I would leave it again at risk of you not getting a chance for the ego boost you so greatly deserve.
    I’m leaving this comment entirely for either your ego or your entertainment (quite possibly both). i work at a call center, so my days are spent wandering the wonder that is the world wide web aimlessly, usually finding nothing. I just spent an entire workday reading this blog, fluctuating between annoying supervisors and confusing customers with my random laughter. Your entertainment value is through the roof mam, You have gained a new reader.
    PS: I live on an island in Canada that i believe is technically within, or very close to, the arctic circle. so, here’s to your ability to branch out!
    Cheers,
    Your new Canadian enthusiast

  6. Thank you for explaining the paper rose but why is there a giant beard on your computer screen? It’s distracting me from James Garfield…unless that beard is a costume for James Garfield. That would be AWESOME!
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Turkey, Turkey, Turkey… =-.

  7. I…don’t.know.what.to.say. I’m so overwhelmed with happiness for you. That damn pig has been on my mind ever since I read about him. Maybe he should meet my mannequin, Francine. Also I want a card.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..How the neighbors see me… =-.

  8. YOU. TOTALLY. WIN.
    .-= bea´s last blog ..pink, pretty, 13 and awkward =-.

  9. OMFG! That totally brightened my week up.

    Thank you James Garfield!

    (I was trying not to laugh so hard that my silent giggles shook the bed)

    P.S- Congrats on your new addition!

  10. This story is pretty much too amazing for words.

  11. There’s a beard on my computer screen because it’s in disguise.

  12. I’m SO happy for you that James Garfield is finally home! And look! He totally fits in with the Mona Lisa and the Stuffed T-Rex Head!
    Ooooooh Shiny Mac! Figure out how to use it yet?

  13. Just one word: Awesome.

  14. $10?! Come on… there’s a recession on! Try $2/card. Bet you still have enough for a brass plate…
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..The Power of Twitter: A Best Buy Follow Up! =-.

  15. Omg hubby & I laughed so hard we woke up our 5 month so son but it was so worth it. I am divorcing hubby because he would NOT do what Victor did good to know now hasn’t beed 2 yrs. Thanks girl & love James Garfield!

  16. Oh, and Victor’s pretty hot when he’s carrying James Garfield. You three should have a threesome sometime!

  17. Ohmygod you got James Garfield! I suddenly feel more at peace. James Garfield is affecting my mood in a positive way from hundreds of miles away. He has talent.
    .-= Awlbiste´s last blog ..awlbiste: wow, a twitterbot that RTs you whenever you mention spo-cans =-.

  18. ok, first off, please know that I understand the magic that is James Garfield. But not to mean or anything but james garfield kinda scares me crapless. I’d have nightmares that he’d come to life, jump off the wall, bodiless…and eat me.
    .-= JenJenK´s last blog ..LAUSD Coffee Cake =-.

  19. Your family is whole now. Oh yes, your family is whole. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

  20. Dude. I can finally SLEEP again. I’ve been up crying NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Becky =-.

  21. Oh my god! You have made me laugh out loud tonight! This is pure awesome.
    .-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..We be decorating! =-.

  22. It’s to the point now where just the name James Garfield sends me into a fit of laughter.
    .-= Lindsey´s last blog ..Someone shit in my water =-.

  23. JenJen I am SO with you! I am so happy James G is home with you. But that he scares the shit out of me.
    .-= Jenni/mom2nji´s last blog ..Oh Christmas Tree part 2 =-.

  24. Never has there been a more pure expression of love than buying your wife the mangled boar’s head she’s been dreaming of.

    Diamonds are forever, but boar’s heads are fucking AWESOME and they cost, like, $300 less than diamonds, so Victor pretty much made the best choice ever. He shouldn’t feel chagrined. He should feel like a fucking provider.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Land Sharks: Why We’re All Fucked. =-.

  25. I mean… I’m sure Victor would be really cool with that.
    It’s probably why he’s avoiding you, actually; the thought’s crossed his mind but he doesn’t know how you’d feel about him bringing it up. Anyways, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

  26. oh hells yes

    awesome
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..They say it’s your due date =-.

  27. YEEHAW
    .-= daily coyote´s last blog ..What My Mornings Are Made Of =-.

  28. -sniff- I am. so. happy for you Bloggess! -sniff-

    Also, my platonic affection for you grows knowing you appreciate what a treasure James Garfield truly is.
    .-= Kevbo´s last blog ..LeKevbo: @garfunkeloates http://twitpic.com/rj6na – Love this pic. Bet her feet get sore wearing those cans all day though. =-.

  29. Reunited and it feels so goooood! Don’t you just know that James Garfield would have shed some tears if his preserved eye sockets allowed it.

  30. If I ever see his teeth on ebay I might have to kill your family.

  31. So, James Garfield doesn’t scare Hailey?

    Why is there a deformed bat on her screen?

  32. I sent my sister a link to your site and the very same day she saw a wild javelina (James Garfield’s cousin?). It was meant to be.

  33. Hooray! James Garfield makes an entrance. What a great husband. That or you are a fabulous nag. Either way, it works! Celebrate!
    .-= Natalie´s last blog ..shenanigans =-.

  34. I just learned that if you want a boar’s meat to not taste rank and be destined to pepperoni, you have to castrate him six months before killing to let the testosterone course out of his system. Kinda sad we will never know his history, whether or not he was ever eunuchized, that sort of thing. Well, bygones. Here’s to his future Chez Jenny!
    .-= Deb´s last blog ..I really want to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, if they’ll let me =-.

  35. I totally want a card but I would not be able to pay you for like two weeks because that is when I get paid SO SO SO… if you still need or want card-buyers in 14 days PLZ TO BE LETTING ME KNOW.

    I am so jealous of James Garfield. All my husband got me for my desk is a Superman hat and a Michael Jackson tote bag. Which, okay, are awesome, especially in tandem, but THEY ARE NO STUFFED PIG’S HEAD.
    .-= sarawr´s last blog ..How does it feel when you’re out on your own?* =-.

  36. I absolutely heart James Garfield! That was the best Thanksgiving story ever.
    .-= pineapple´s last blog ..I won! I won! I won! =-.

  37. OMG! I am so happy for you! My hubby wouldn’t have done that.
    .-= Wizzy´s last blog ..Public Enemy Johhny Depp =-.

  38. By the Power of Grayskull all is right with the universe! I love it!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..My Top 25 =-.

  39. my prayers. they’ve been answered. james garfield should thank his lucky stars that he was saved from ebay fate worse than death. worse. than. death.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..it’s begining to smell a lot like TURkey… =-.

  40. That is the most romantic story I have ever heard. I love it. Your husband loves you from the very bottom of his heart. Ya can’t buy that kind of love. Well, I guess you can if you have $90.

  41. So, your hubby begrudgingly paid $90 in order for James Garfield to hang over your workstation? Remind him that he’s likely paid more for hangovers in the past… Congrats on your coup! ; )
    Steve

  42. I’m a poor grad student so I don’t have $10 to spend on cards. But I’d pay a buck or two for a signed picture of James Garfield. Plus shipping, even.
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..mightbelying: THUMBS DOWN to night games going into overtime and Pittsburgh winning the coin toss. DAMN Y’ALL I’M TIRED! But I still want my 13 points. =-.

  43. SOOOOO happy for you. I’m sure you and James Garfield will have a magical life together, with or without Victor. (Who really is a hero here, I might add.)

  44. Totally envisioning you and James Garfield running towards each other in a field of wildflowers, Air Supply playing in the background. Victor playing air-piano, of course.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Monster-free Cabinetry: Priceless =-.

  45. I am SO in! Just sent ya an e-mail. =)
    .-= Marianne (@lilbytes)´s last blog ..Shopping Lessons Learned And Safety Tips =-.

  46. meant to say I HEART James Garfield
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..And after I stopped praying for death, I got a pony. =-.

  47. ah, eyeball rolling aside, Victor’s a good boy. a bit of a drama queen, but a good boy.

    and James look very content. a muse to you and friend to all, undoubtedly!
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..I’m going to confuse the archeologists =-.

  48. Are you sending me a christmas card with James Garfield on it?
    Coz I’ll order about 7 if that’s true.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..I’m not listening – LA LA LA LA LA =-.

  49. Absolutely. A Christmas card with James Garfield on it. Totally. Or a Kwanza card. Or an Athiest card. James Garfield can do pretty much any holiday. He’s extremely versatile.

  50. What’s more messed up, that you were depressed about James Garfield all weekend, or that I kept thinking about how sad I was for you that you didn’t get him? Because honest-to-Google, I thought about that more times than I’d like to admit.

    And I *almost* got some happy tears reading this.

    I’m dead {as dead as James Garfield} serious.
    .-= Holly´s last blog ..The Big Day{s} Is{are} Coming =-.

  51. I have never read anything funnier or more wonderful than your blog. You make me feel like a hack. I fucking hate you.

  52. Okay, I am seriously so motherfucking happy! So happy, in fact, that I just sent out a mass text to all of my fellow Canadians who are avid readers (and some who aren’t) saying exactly this: “OMG THE BLOGGESS GOT JAMES GARFIELD!!!!!”. I apologize if somehow the authorities abduct my blackberry and assume that you were able to construct a time machine and go back and assassinate the first James Garfield. With my luck, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Again, my apologies.

    Anyhow. I ? James Garfield! Will gladly buy cards.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Holy crap! Dear EVERYBODY, this is *MONUMENTALLY IMPORTANT*. =-.

  53. Oh, and the “?” in my previous post is supposed to be a heart, but apparently your comments don’t like alt codes. :(
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Holy crap! Dear EVERYBODY, this is *MONUMENTALLY IMPORTANT*. =-.

  54. Well, you can just see how content he is in his new home, settling in so well, bonding with Hailey so nicely…..I already have the perfect holiday gift (I was going to say Christmas, but maybe he celebrates Hanukah or Kwanzaa or perhaps he’s an aetheist, but I digress) in mind – a grill:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grill_(jewelry)

    James Garfield needs a grill. For formal occasions. Maybe you can just wrap tinfoil around his teeth, because I am sure Victor would shit himself if you ordered James Garfield a custom grill. And besides, I read somewhere that those grills are bad for teeth, so you don’t want to invest a lot. We wouldn’t want to cause any damage to those valuable tusks. It’s just that if they were SHINY it would be so awesome. But really, I’m mostly just thrilled that you got to bring James Garfield home – this would make such an awesome Hallmark movie.
    .-= Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..Ochre is the new black =-.

  55. I will happily buy a card as long as I can get past the money laundry. You know.

    But whether or not I can manage that, my deepest congratulations on your new pet / friend / furkid. He’s truly the most awesome manbearpig I’ve ever seen.
    .-= dotlizard´s last blog ..the dangers of subscribing to a google search for “atheists or atheism” =-.

  56. Wow you are one neat freak. James looks great in that spot.
    .-= Liz´s last blog ..Bluebird Pendant – Garden Pendant =-.

  57. My workspace is not nearly ferocious or toothy enough, I think.
    .-= Steam me up, kid´s last blog ..Lessons in object permanence with Farley the senile dog =-.

  58. What impresses me most about this whole welcome home saga is that it appears you got Victor to hang James Garfield the very same day you bought him. I… didn’t realize this was possible. There are boxes sitting in my kitchen that have been waiting to get carried down to the basement for weeks.
    .-= Operation Pink Herring´s last blog ..The New Moon movie verdict, 3am edition =-.

  59. All I can say is, that man LOVES you. Like serious love. Not the Hollywood kind, but the real kind, and you better be giving him some payback.
    .-= Velvet Verbosity´s last blog ..100 Words on Examine AND Give =-.

  60. Wow. Now you can say James Garfield is looking down on you and your blog with a straight face AND be telling the truth. I think you should greet people like that. And make a sign for your front door that says, “James Garfield lives here.” Then decorate him for Christmas. You know, give him a bow and some tinsel. So he’s festive.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – How exactly do you even arrest a goat? =-.

  61. Oh my god!! He actually got it for you? What a wonderful husband he is. James looks wonderful where he is out now. I’m so happy for you :)

    By the way I’m so in need of a card. I need one sent to my asshole of a ex boss? He’s a real pain in the ass. Write something horrible things about him in it

    xoxo
    .-= Delisha´s last blog ..Not in the spirit =-.

  62. Although I am not personally a James Garfield kind of girl, I am super jealous (and very happy for you) and now am on a quest for my own workspace mascot. Although if it ends up being anything like your James Garfield, I will probably hang it in my home office and not my away-from-home office because I think my office mate (and my boss) might not be as cool as you are.

    I am so happy for you – both for your awesome James Garfield & your pretty damn cool Victor.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..You’d think it was some kind of holiday weekend or something =-.

  63. Okay, here’s the plan. The next time your husband complains about James Garfield, you just smile and walk away quietly. Later, when he’s asleep, you slip sliently out of bed, grab your best friend James from the study and place him right behind your husband’s face. Then, lay back down and breathe on the back of his neck very softly.

    He’ll never complain about James Garfield again.
    .-= Ryan´s last blog ..The thanksgiving cake is GONE =-.

  64. Holy shit. That is way better than a box of Chinese sweet and sour packets.
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..The Great Turkey Chase, Reprise =-.

  65. So thrilled for you that James Garfield of the patchy hair and crooked teeth has taken his rightful place in your home. And also, no matter how much eye-rolling went on, your husband drove you back there and bought it for you and he rocks!
    .-= WhitePineLane´s last blog ..Third Time’s the Charm? Nope – Three Strikes They’re Out. 1-800-No-Flowers.com =-.

  66. You should set up a stand outside our house so people can pay to take pictures with James Garfield. It will be like a lemonade stand but actually profitable.
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Funny Facebook Ads – Round 2 =-.

  67. This is fantastic! You can’t freakin’ name something and then abandon it!! I’m glad Victor finally came to his senses. :-)

  68. Quite possibly the most BAD-ASS workspace ever. Would not work without James Garfield at all!

  69. Victor rocks. But James Garfield is THE BOMB.

    I think you should take twelve photos of him in different festive outfits and make a James Garfield calendar.
    .-= daysgoby´s last blog ..review =-.

  70. Oh I’m definitely in. I want a James Garfield Christmas card! Email to follow.
    .-= Pop and Ice´s last blog ..NaCoBakMo Day 2 =-.

  71. I was laughing so hard I could hardly read the post out loud to SwingDaddy. You rock, Jenny, and so does James Garfield.
    .-= Lady M´s last blog ..A New Theme in Town =-.

  72. Seriously your last post on James Garfield had me laughing out loud. I was GUTTED that you left without him. I knew if you were anything like me you would think about him obsessively and wonder where he was. I am SO GLAD that you made Victor get him for you. He is by far the COOLEST thing I have ever seen. Too funny.
    .-= Miss T´s last blog ..31 days out – The divine Miss P =-.

  73. So, no divorce then? Rats. I was totally planning on being your rebound. Another time, then.

  74. Are you a witch or planning some kind of weird Satanic ritual? Please advise.
    .-= C.J.´s last blog ..Seriously, who knew that a cheesy music video with possessed altar boys could be made to be so funny? =-.

  75. 76
    willendorfVenus

    Victor is my hero.

  76. I like that calandar idea: The Twelve Faces of James Garfield.

  77. I just KNEW you’d bring him home. I knew it. And I want a card. Would you do two for $10? Cos that would be freaking awesome. Remember, I did say in the original post that I’d use that image for my holiday card, so I might need more than two. How about four for $15? yes, I know I’m cheap.
    .-= curiously random´s last blog ..cut =-.

  78. I thought of a picture of a dismembered zombie kitten as my 2009 Xmas card, but Mr Garfield seems more appropriate. Can Belgians order ?

    ps : Belgium does not hate you.
    pss : yep, i speak on behalf of Belgium, i have this kind of power.

  79. James Garfield is freakin’ awesome, I’d have paid to have him on the wall above my computer too. You made out like a bandish with that.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Slugfest =-.

  80. In the movie Smiley Face one of the characters realizes she loves lasagna and since Garfield also loves lasagna she wanted to put a framed picture of Garfield on the wall to signify her love of lasagna, but then decides to put a picture of James Garfield on her wall to be extra meta.

    I think from now on people who love lasagna should put a photo of your James Garfield on the wall. It makes sense.

  81. That is awesome! However my husband disagrees and has forbidden me from buying a James Garfield card, thus supporting a crazy person. Don’t worry, I’ll save my grocery money and buy one for each family member(cause kids don’t REALLY need to eat right?). Cause it is too cool to pass up. Who DOESN’T want a stuffed pig xmas card?!
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..A Weekend Adventure =-.

  82. Sometimes I love you “a lot.” Other times I love you “A LOT A LOT.” Right now I love you even more than that but I am at a loss for words as to how to properly describe it on account of I am also super tired. And have recently eaten way too many Cheez-Its so I’m kind of in a fog. But trust me when I say it’s WAY MORE than “A LOT A LOT.” It’s, you know, A HELLUVA LOT.
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..This Was Supposed To Be A Thanksgiving Day Post, But Now I Have To Make It A Thanksgiving Weekend Post Because I’m A Day Late And If My Life Depended On Any Type of Timely Blogging I WOULD BE DEAD =-.

  83. You got him! You rock! You have mastered the art of the guilt trip.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Just Had to Share =-.

  84. I just love a happy ending *sigh*

  85. 86
    PrincessOfForks

    I want to hear Ms. Knappes’ thoughts on his situation. Also, congratulations!!

  86. I don’t want to alarm you, but I think James Garfield needs a flea treatment.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Undue Influence =-.

  87. that thing scares the shit out of me.

  88. Send me the paypal request to my email, i will pay you for that, please make the card to my name. And whatever line you wanna put on it.
    I AM SERIOUS. (really, i am.)

    p.s. the money’s more for your blog itself than mr.garfield though…..okok, i admit, it’s for him. I’ve grown attached to him.

  89. wishing you, your family and James Garfield all the best for the festive season. i won’t be sending you money but i will be eating ice cream. you can see how this works.
    .-= Mandi´s last blog ..New Facebook Lexicon =-.

  90. He looks ecstatic and I am so happy for the both of you!

  91. Oh, you SO have to hook me up with a card of James G. (cuz, you know we are so close who needs last names…) Anyway, I plan on framing it and taunting my sucker-friends that I will have a picture of james garfield for all eternity. That is art, by god. and if they don’t like it I will just ahve to go find a pic of jame G’s hiney for them to kiss. Ha!

  92. Hurray for Victor!!! I love the calendar idea, so let me know if you do it. I am totally trying to decide how many cards I need. :)

  93. Sad to say, but my email doesn’t like your email. It keeps saying invalid account. Does this mean that we can’t be friends? :( Or was this card thing just a teaser? Only problem with that theory is that I still want a J.G. card.
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..a blow by blow of my Thanksgiving. Not as naughty as it sounds. =-.

  94. That’s great and everything and I hate to throw a tusk in the gears but I don’t think he looks as good without the other smaller pig/boar hanging next to him. And why didn’t that other pig/boar get a name?

  95. I am SO a James Garfield kinda gal! I found a stuffed Venezuelan Piranha at a flea market in the summer that had to come home with me (I know, not as impressive as James Garfield but same sentiment). I’m the only one that loves it, but I don’t care – it’s mine. It dang near broke my heart that you had to walk away from him but now he’s found his spiritual home. I would buy a card but I’m in teh England and there’s postage costs to consider….
    .-= Mrs Jones´s last blog ..The Morning After…. =-.

  96. I think you should start insisting that sex can only be improved if James Garfield is watching. That might give Victor something else to be mad about and forget about the $90 and paying for water.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..I’m already full…of reasons to feel blessed =-.

  97. hahahaha awesome! I’m so happy for you!
    .-= Julia´s last blog ..101 in 1001 =-.

  98. IT IS THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS!
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Shopping Post: Henry =-.

  99. Shit like this is why the whole Suffrage movement is totally overrated.

    If you’d been in the kitchen making a pie, Victor would have an extra $90 in his pocket.

    How Victor hasn’t killed you in your sleep yet is still a mystery. Probably because he can’t afford the poison because you keep spending money on mounted dead animal heads.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Q&A not T&A although T&A would have TOTALLY been better =-.

  100. Welcome home, James. Now finish that book!
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..These cats aren’t dogs. =-.

  101. I think you just retitled the nameplate, “The Extremely Versatile James Garfield”. He should wear a top hat at the unveiling…..

  102. I sent you and email, but I would just like to reiterate that I NEED a James Garfield card.

    I’m sure you understand.
    .-= Kendall´s last blog ..The Internet May Never Recover =-.

  103. Great job gluing Victor’s hair back onto his head! I’m thinkin’ your gluing skills must be what finally won him over.

    (I have to think that because I don’t want to think about what you may have *actually* done to get Victor to drop 90 bucks on a pig head.)

  104. Seriously, I will take a James Garfield Christmas card. I know just the person to give it to.

    Do you accept paypal?

    Oh, and if you make a profit? Victor will totally OWE you!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..We survived another Turkey Day! =-.

  105. He’s not complete without a *real* santa hat…and I think maybe some lights wrapped around his massive tusks…

    I like your Christmas card idea…but I don’t think I could have James Garfield sitting around my living room, eating all the other nice cards. Except maybe the one with the doves. Those are probably irresistable…for J.G.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..*updated* who i used to be =-.

  106. Seriously?!?! I’m gonna have to change the name of my blog to “Every time I read The Bloggess I pee my pants”, OMG girl you rock my socks!
    .-= NeCole@Eclectic Ecstasy´s last blog ..The Great Interview Experiment Hosted by Citizen of the Month =-.

  107. I just texted my husband to tell him that you got James Garfield. Then I asked if I could buy a James Garfield Christmas card for $10. I hope he agrees. If not, I’m going to buy one anyway and surprise him with it for Christmas. He will be thrilled!

    James Garfield will pay for himself. Victor is refusing to see all the possibilities. You should dress him up for every holiday and sell cards! I want to see him dressed in those silly little bunny ears for Easter.
    .-= Sarahbear´s last blog ..Sunday: Weekly Wrap-It-Up =-.

  108. Best. Gift. Ever. What could you possibly put on your Christmas list now? Wait, I have an idea! James Garfield needs a toothbrush and kit of essentials. His devil-may-care attitude hides the were-bear-pig underneath that cares how people feel, and we feel immeasurable love for his stuffed self.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..KeepingYouAwake: I’m in the market to join a secret organization. Anybody have any good ideas? =-.

  109. I have been thinking this for awhile, but was afraid to confess it………. now it must be said! I think I am in love with Victor!! and congrats on the new mascot – SWEET. P.S. For Christmas I could make him ( JG, not Victor) one of those sweater things like people put on thier dogs . It might add a little someum someum.

  110. This story is even happier than the one where the puppies save Xmas and don’t die in the end from cancer or suffocation in the back of the car. This is the true Xmas story. Even if it’s sort of for Thanksgiving.
    .-= laura´s last blog ..A step towards my quest towards being a Retired Person in a hooky day from work on a beautiful Thanksgiving weekend. =-.

  111. Excellent!
    .-= Shmoo´s last blog ..Aliens Took Me Captive =-.

  112. I’m in… $10 sent…

    Welcome Home James Garfield!!!!
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..Snow Please =-.

  113. I love that you got James Garfield!! What a great love story! I like the calendar idea. You should do that!

  114. Girl, you are so fucking nuts. But I love you for it so it is ok. I thought I was the only one that was truly crazy but you are throwed. But I would have gotten all stabtastic on the mob guy for you. To disfigure Garfield. Tusk Tusk (ha).
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Monday =-.

  115. Clearly, James Garfield is the Festivus equivalent of Rudolph. The reindeer, not Valentino. Also, I thought at first that Victor was ducking his head so that any chance-met paparazzi would have less chance of catching his face in the frame, but then I realized he was on the phone. I figure he was probably calling Walgreens to make sure his Wellbutrin script was up-to-date, because knowing your wife is having an affair of the heart with the Festivus mascot has to be discouraging, to say the least.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Kaminey, or, Snatch the True Romance Smoking Barrels =-.

  116. I actually did a text search not once, but twice, on your comments to this post to see if anyone had yet commented on the fact that you still use CD’s. Seriously? I don’t know what is more amazing: James Garfield; your CD’s framing your monitor; or the fact that nobody was horrified by the CD’s framing your monitor. Have a good day.
    Also, can you share with us what James Garfield smells like? I’d imagine it is a mildly unpleasant odor.

  117. I have a raging crush on Victor now. And I’ll give you $90 just because. And P.S., I was subjected to wild boar on Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s house and for the record, it tastes like ass. So bad I couldn’t even come up with an “eating James Garfield” joke for you which is exactly what I was thinking about at the time, instead of counting my blessings and being full of heart and full of belly. Of ass.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Fantastic Mr Fox, Foodie Edition =-.

  118. Heck yeah, I’ll buy a James Garfield Christmas card to send to a friend of mine. She’ll love it!

  119. Hooray! James Garfield shall forever live on!
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..I Can’t Be Arsed… =-.

  120. Thank you Jenny is so needed that laugh this morning. I love you.

  121. Hooray! Thank goodness James Garfield will live on under your protection!
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..I Can’t Be Arsed… =-.

  122. I so **love** that Victor gave in. He’s a good man. Almost as good as James Garfield.
    .-= JustAnotherJenny´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving! =-.

  123. This + the bobcat skull = pure Christmas Magic.
    .-= julie´s last blog ..Advent preparations =-.

  124. Can’t stop laughing. Jimmers looks totally thrilled to finally be in his rightful home. AWESOME. You done good Jenny. Tell Victor that. You did right by Jimmy. Just look at his face.
    .-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Don’t Use Big Words When Small Ones Will Work Just Fine =-.

  125. I think you need to move that dinosaur head in the corner next to James Garfield, so they can be friends.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Facebook Nostalgia is a Disease That Should Be Eradicated =-.

  126. Oh I’d pay money to both have some Hanukkah cards with a giant pig on them and see the look on the face of the Jewish person receiving it! …maybe throw a slice of ham in for added impact

  127. Personally, I am jealous. No one should EVER be without a stuffed named J. to the Garf!!! I love it!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Four Day Review =-.

  128. Girl, you crack me up.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Last Day of NaNoWriMo =-.

  129. I laughed. I cried. I cheered. Yay for James Garfield!
    .-= DirtyHooker´s last blog ..Craft: Ribbon frame =-.

  130. I am so genuinely happy for you AND for James Garfield. Clearly this was meant to be. Had Victor not perservered and gone back you would have been stuck in a mutual vortex of pain and remorse. Kudos to him for understanding that this cyclical pattern of negative energy could not be allowed to form. You should give that man (and yourself) a pat on the back for a job well done. Things are as they should be.
    He looks great on your wall!
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..Apocalypse Now =-.

  131. Oh, I am soooooo happy for the two of you. And I need a card. I’ve had a crap-tastic week. This entry was just what the doctor ordered (and I’ve seen my fill in the past few days).
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Is It Happy Hour Yet? Somewhere? =-.

  132. He needs a hat. It will show Victor just how distinguished he his…maybe a bowler or flat cap. Or this AWESOME beard cap: http://sukle.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/beard-cap.jpg…although, I’m not sure how that would fit over James Garfield’s tusks.

  133. Victor is the most awesome husband evah! To buy James Garfield for you, his love for you must run super deep. Maybe you aren’t aware of this, but I believe I saw James Garfield in a movie this weekend. My husband, who obviously doesn’t love me as much as yours does, and I were watching Hannibal and at one point I yelled out “James Garfield”. That’s cuz he was on the screen. Did you realize that not only was your stuffed pigs head an ex-president but also a movie star? You are the luckiest girl in the WORLD.

  134. OMG, you should totally sell James Garfield calendars. I mean, if Dooce can make money selling calendars featuring her stupid dog, you could probably make an ass-ton of money capitalizing on James Garfield!

  135. See? It’s because I don’t have James Garfield that I’ll never write a book.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Too Many To Count =-.

  136. This is so aweome. Victor is a hero, really. Now you’ll have to let us know if James Garfield sounds like Jon Stewart b/c that’s who voiced James Garfield on Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation audiobook.

  137. I want a James Garfield card! There is nothing better than sending out a card of a broken down old pig to show your mom exactly what you think of her…
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Monday Inspirations =-.

  138. Your husband truly loves you and please don’t let that child sit under that thing what if there was an earthquake it would fall and eat her head. Does Texas have earthquakes? There could be a stampede and shake your home and that thing could fall and eat her head.

  139. Mazel Tov but how do we know James Garfield wasn’t the culprit in all things swine?
    .-= Lady of the House´s last blog ..A Fairy Tale =-.

  140. Psssh WATER? Next think you know Victor is going to get tricked into paying for energy! Poor guy.
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..Insert title that wittily combines Miley Cyrus, cardigans, princesses, and puppies. Oh I know! HEAVEN. =-.

  141. 142
    ms procrastination

    You got him! Woohoo! Nothing says love like a giant taxidermied boar head.

  142. Victor is a saint. Glad your campaigning saved JG from further torture and dismemberment…
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..My dad is totally normal =-.

  143. It’s a Christmas miracle!! I hope that you will consider selling me the rights to screenplay because I feel like this could be the best made for TV Thanksgiving/Christmas/Festivus/Hannukah movie ever to grace network television. Also, you must think up the title of the said movie, because you’re good like that. I like “Saving Piglet James Garfield”.
    .-= Love´s last blog ..Adventures in Babysitting, Part III =-.

  144. Have I told you lately that you are freakin awesome? Seriously your hilarious!

  145. I’m tearin’ up just a little. I love a happy ending. Plus this is the first picture I’ve ever seen of Victor and he looks nothing like I imagined.
    .-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..Globe Trotter Part 2 =-.

  146. Ooh, seeing James F’ing Garfield makes me think of bacon.

    Actually, pretty much *everything* makes me think of bacon.

    ~EdT.
    .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..A Modern-Day ‘Lady or Tiger’ =-.

  147. Thank you!! Thanks to this post I have realized what’s missing in my life…a dead animal’s head on my wall. Now I feel as though my life would be so complete, I could finally fill that void if I could just find some kind of petrified carcass to display in my home. Hmmm…I do see dead deer on the side of the road all the time. But I don’t think one would fit in the trunk of my Saturn and it’s too damn cold to stand on the side of the road to try and get just its head. Maybe I should just grab a possum instead and name it Gerald Ford. Apparently Gerald Ford is a big deal out here in Omaha. I think he was born here or something. So were Nick Nolte and Henry Fonda but they’re just not as deserving of the honor of having a dead animal head named after them.
    .-= April´s last blog ..More moms like me =-.

  148. And the fact that you have your family worshipping him, too (in their own way) is fabulous! Congratulations!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..A World Where Skin Color Is Of No Consequence =-.

  149. It’s a Thanksgiving Miracle.
    .-= Clare´s last blog ..Window Shopping =-.

  150. You need a “taxiderms” category. It comes up a surprising amount here.

  151. Victor fucking ROCKS! Almost as hard as James Garfield. Don’t forget, James would like to be festively decorated for the holidays like the REST of the house. Just sayin.

  152. Your daughter is so brave! My parents have a stuffed hog-like creature on the wall in their guest bedroom, and my two BOYS would die before they would sleep with it looking at them. She must be the Rambo of little girls. Or my boys are sissies. Oh well. Glad you got JG and congrats on such a fierce daughter. I’m gonna go take the Wii away until my boys learn to boar hunt.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Comment on Do these tatoos make me look fat? by sherri =-.

  153. Oh YYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I am so VERY happy that you saved James Garfield from dismembering the alamo or whatever. I have been sharing your saga with everyone I know. Hope you sold the cards.
    .-= Kristacular´s last blog ..Oven – Baked Ratatouille =-.

  154. I’ve been worried about poor James Garfield, thinking how wonderful it would be if he found a loving home. And now it’s like you just adopted a stray dog from stray rescue. Truly you’re doing the world a service. This will sooooo be jotted down in your book of good deeds kept by some unknown busy body in the angelic world. Kinda makes up for torturing that poor translator chick in Japan.
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Moving Thanksgiving =-.

  155. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! And, frankly, the least God could do after the toilet water ‘incident’. I’ll buy a card…everyone wins!

  156. Victor is AMAZING. He should know this.

    And congrats on James. He looks right at home.
    .-= Zak´s last blog ..BFF 4/E =-.

  157. This has totally made my season bright to know that James Garfield has a home for the holidays. Please put a Santa hat on him. Please?
    .-= Nona´s last blog ..Looking for a few good elves. Or ninjas. =-.

  158. Um . . . I’m a vegetarian, so I’m not so very fond of dead animals hanging on walls. But that being stated, it appears to me that James Garfield has more soul now, dead and stuffed and all, then he may have had during his life. And for some reason, if James Garfield had a voice, I think it would sound like James Brown. Rock on, J.G.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."I’ll stick around" =-.

  159. I hope he’s really well pinned up there, I think he MIGHT just eat the person sitting in front of him if he fell on them.

    That’s fine if it’s a kid, but if it’s you, then who is going to write the blog? Victor? I think not! (although to go back and get James Garfield for you is pretty damn heroic. Although I do wonder if it wasn’t more an act of self preservation, and a action designed to make your hush yer purdy mouth).
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Leaving, on a jet plane. Hope the food is better than last time. =-.

  160. Tell Victor that James Garfield is truly the gift that keeps on giving the whole year through!

    (this does not mean that he can skimp and NOT buy you anything for a whole year though.)

    (just thought I’d clarify that)
    .-= sadira´s last blog ..Feasting Images… =-.

  161. aaah the power of James Garfield to bring people together from across the world should be celebrated in a National James Garfield day. You could have a parade.Just imagine a giant James Garfield float leading the way, with a band playing and small children dressed up like James Garfield.(only the tusks would have to be rubber so they didn’t take someones eye out) Oh Victor, would be so proud to know that his small act inspired such celebration. Yay. I will have a card as well.
    .-= Kim (frogpondsrock)´s last blog ..A candle for Mum. =-.

  162. This is the happiest ending ever!

  163. I can see it now, a brightly festive background, a great smiley picture of James Garfield (complete with Santa hat and candy cane hanging out of his mouth) and a big ol’ caption reading “MUTHAFUCKINFESTIVE!” right underneath. NOW I am ready for the holidays. You know Mr. Christmas Bobcat Skull might get a bit jeallous here. You should make him some Christmas cards too.

    On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…One Partially Hairless, Dentally Challenged, Oddly Smiley Decapitated Man-Bear-Pig Head…and a partridge in a pear tree!

  164. This should be part of every one of those marriage counseling classes you have before you get married. If your potential mate is not of the James Garfield-acquiring ilk, they should be kicked to the curb. Nice life partner selection, Bloggess.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..Danke Schoen =-.

  165. Oh and I forgot to mention that Victor is a saint. A Saint. I think someone’s penis deserves a mouth-hug. Just sayin’.

  166. I think that is the right type of motivation to have and I didn’t think used kleenex. I thought maybe it was crumbled piece of paper & you were writing your book on pink paper.

    He really is the best.mounted.pig/boar head. ever.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Le Creuset Giveaway: Food Made in Love =-.

  167. I am SO EXCITED to receive my James Garfield card, even more excited than Jessie Spano could ever be, no matter how many caffeine pills she took! I am That Freakin Excited!!!

    By the way, I would totally be all over a James Garfield calendar. Seriously. That way his badassery can be appreciated and adored all year round! Oh, and Allie’s comment is totally right on – Victor should feel like fucking provider. Because clearly? He SO is!
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Venice Is a Fish =-.

  168. No offense to your husband (this is directed at your readers) but if he was truly great as all these comments have claimed then he would have gotten it for you to begin with. Getting it day 1? Awesome! Getting it begrudgingly? Not so awesome.

  169. Oh I’m so in for $10 card. I want it tfor my husband he would think it was the best gift ever, right up there with tickets to a KISS concert.

  170. Victor needs a fricken sainthood, or at least a knighthood. Ya’ll should start calling him Sir.
    .-= Hay´s last blog ..Parenting Ladder =-.

  171. Let’s face it, it isn’t so much the love from Victor as the fact he is scared shitless of you

    By the way, I am in!!!!!

  172. Is Victor hot or not? I can’t tell.

  173. Victor-y!

    So happy to hear it’s in your home. I’m in Dallas, but come to Houston all the time. I’d pay more than $10 to have my photo taken with James Garfield in my lap. So totally awesome – instead of hamsterdance, we’d have piglapdance. Or something like that.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..11 Years =-.

  174. did u know johnny cash wrote a song about him?


    .-= Super G´s last blog ..stats really do stink on sunday. and other random stuff =-.

  175. I will so be buying a James Garfield card.

    Prediction: you’re going to be rich from selling JG cards. You’re going to create your own cottage industry, only without cottages. The James Garfield Happy Christmas card will make Hallmark jealous.

    I’m so glad to get in on the ground floor of awesomeness as pure as this.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Scary Rosie =-.

  176. Congratulations!!!!! But now I am sad: I used to think that no matter how much Jackassery my husband is involved with, he will always have Victor as his companion in the World’s Worst Husbands Hall of Fame. But Victor just totally redeemed himself. Is he dying? Make sure he’s not dying. People do that a lot when they are dying: they go and redeem themselves. Are you sure he’s not cheating? That lady in that picture next to James Garfield looks really hot in a sultry way. Maybe Victor is cheating on you with her? Already emailed you.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..The Internet has changed forever what we take pictures of… =-.

  177. Yeah, $10 is a bit much but I’d pay pal you $5. But I didn’t see a donate button. :(

  178. You realize, of course, you are now in the part of your story where weird-ass things will start happening in your house – like pets being sucked into your computer and your not-free water turning into blood. And your husband will start saying things like, “Heerree’s Jimmmmy!” as he chases after you w/a chainsaw. And I know you don’t won’t want to believe that James is causing any of it, but let it be said: you have been warned.

  179. Just noticed – in the bottom pic, both JG and the T-Rex on the right seem to be saying “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!”

    Or else they’re both yawning at the same time. Or singing. But when you’re bad-ass, it doesn’t matter what you do – nothing can affect your badassery quotient.

    Super.
    Fuckin’.
    Awesome.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Scary Rosie =-.

  180. JAMES GARFIELD FOR THE WIN! he makes me think of my shark, Carol. http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v166/157/105/571376348/n571376348_535685_3615.jpg

    though, i bet victor would also disapprove of pulling a six foot hammerhead shark out of someone’s garbage. who the fuck throws out these pillars of awesomeness is what i want to know.

  181. When I lived in Oakland, we used to make side trips to Berkeley. I don’t remember the street but there was a house that had a James Garfield mounted over the porch. Totally awesome to stumble across this when you are completely wrecked.
    .-= Chinacat´s last blog ..Missed it by – – that much! =-.

  182. And here I thought that decorating my house for christmas would be entertaining.
    .-= mrsblogalot´s last blog ..The Douche Movement =-.

  183. Can you imagine working under that thing? I’d be worried that it would come loose, fall off, and the teeth would impale into my skull. Or my daughter’s. But I’d want my wife to work there.

  184. James Garfield just saved my life. Tell THAT to Victor. A HERO is worth more than $90! Victor got off cheap.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..A Thanksgiving Weekend Post =-.

  185. Dude, I am so happy for you. And if I actually had ten bucks to spare, I would totally be buying up some cards. I’m secretly praying that one of my friends buys me a James Garfield Christmas card. Best. Christmas. Ever.
    .-= Untypically Jia´s last blog ..Muppet Thanksgiving Bohemian Rhapsody Carol =-.

  186. 187
    The Original Lisa

    Is his middle name Victor? Cause I think he deserves a namesake….James Garfield that is.

  187. I have one suggestion for you: Talk bubbles. Meet Steve…http://twitpic.com/rn9k6
    .-= Paul DeLuca´s last blog ..How to Get Social Media Results With Be. Do. Have. =-.

  188. 189
    Robert de Forest

    Let no one say that Victor doesn’t bring home the bacon.

  189. Huzzah! It’s only tuesday, and this has already made my entire damn week. :)

  190. All I can say is…. I TOTALLY want a James Garfield card. Obviously I would never be lucky enough to find and ACTUAL James Garfield. I suppose a card will do. And Bloggess stickers?!?!?! Well that would just be a total bonus.
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Still hanging in there… =-.

  191. I just lole’d a lot. I’ll never get boar’d of JG. I think he may need monogramed hand towels that hang from his sixty dollar tusks, just sayin’
    .-= shane and tom´s last blog ..Tom’s been sick =-.

  192. Hurrah! I want a card. I only scanned the replies, but I think you’ve paid for James Garfield. Now you should have enough money to go back for Chester Arthur–for Victor’s Christmas present.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: surviving hols with kids and sanity intact plus Brews News from far Western N.C. =-.

  193. OMG! My parents totally have James Garfield’s long lost twin brother Bob! I will take a picture so you can show it to James Garfield and they can be cyber reunited! And I will cry, I promise you that!
    .-= LibraryGirl62´s last blog ..Count Your Blessings =-.

  194. Oh and Bob has a squirrel tail hanging out of his mouth, so everyone is right…JG needs accessories!
    .-= LibraryGirl62´s last blog ..Count Your Blessings =-.

  195. Thanks a lot. My husband – your #1 fan – will probably buy one of those damn cards. Tell Victor this stuffed pig is going to generate one hell of an ROI.

    (Desperately hoping my husband doesn’t someday leave me in pursuit of you.)
    .-= Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Happy to be stuck with you =-.

  196. What’s Victor’s problem? $90 for the best Christmas present ever? He’s getting off easy…or you’ve got him so suckered that he thinks he has to buy you a Christmas present too. Wait, was it blow job Friday again, and I missed it?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

  197. I am SO happy for you. I almost got tears in MY eyes over that hideous thing. Congratulations. And Victor? A saint. I really think he may be. But YAY! So happy for you and James Garfield, I hope you live happily ever after.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Cleaning with an ADD-er =-.

  198. Victor is almost as awesome as my husband. And James Garfield is breathtakingly awesome. Wow. Just Wow.

    I am accepting that with that kind of awesomeness I will never be personally awesome enough to be your friend in real life so I will have to accept that stalking you, and James Garfield, will have to be enough.

    I bask in your awesomeness.
    .-= Stitch´s last blog ..When This You See Remember Me =-.

  199. Perhaps James Garfield will become the new transporter of Post-it notes. Yes, I’m still laughing out loud about the post-it post. One of these days, it’ll muffle to a slight giggle. Congratulations!!
    .-= katie´s last blog ..Christmas shopping: What to buy someone you hate =-.

  200. I have been wondering if you were going to be able to go back and rescue James Garfield!!!!! HORRAY!!!!!
    .-= boobarella´s last blog ..Sandra Lee can suck it. =-.

  201. I’d be motivate too with that over my desk.
    .-= linlah´s last blog ..cribs and craddles =-.

  202. You’re gone, Bloggess.
    .-= B Hockey J´s last blog ..Callings =-.

  203. Oh, Victor should have saved J.G. for a Christmas present. He could have been dropping hints all week, making obscure Godfather references and then you would wake up Christmas morning feeling a little squishy around your feet and then when you looked at your hands they were covered in ketchup and then you would have pulled back the sheets and found the severed head and screamed, JAMES GARFIELD! Yes, that truly would have been awesome!
    .-= Ellie Belen´s last blog ..Beautiful Goodfellows Firemen =-.

  204. Jesus Christ I thought James Garner was dead. I had to Google him. Congratulations! You could always remind Victor that it’s better than having James Garner’s head on your wall. Although…

  205. I’m so jealous.
    Years ago, I passed up a pair of taximermied copulating squirrels on ebay (the expression on the female looked a bit perturbed – I considered it bad mojo) and they’ve haunted me ever since.

  206. I am so fucking jealous I could spit. I want a James Garfield, too!! I was so sad you didn’t get to bring him home. This is like Cinderella or something, and James Garfield is TOTALLY the beautiful princess. He needs a crown.
    And maybe you can remind Victor that James Garfield will probably APPRECIATE in value over the years. You know, you could totally recoup your $90 when his magic is recognized and he is worth millions. It’s not like boar’s heads are all that common, you know? And when they are extinct they will want James Garfield for the Smithsonian or something.
    Also someone needs to start a James Garfield fan club. When someone has a fan club, you can’t talk shit on their fur, even if it is falling off a little bit.
    DAMMIT HE IS SO AWESOME!!!!
    .-= superblondgirl´s last blog ..Back on the internet again =-.

  207. Well worth the $10. I’m IN.

  208. Go ahead, hate me if you wish, but that James Garfield is the ugliest fucking thing i’ve ever seen, AND, i would be totally terrified to walk into whichever room it was nailed to the wall in because, simply, that thing is scary and evil looking…
    I do however think that an anonymous hate mail with James Garfield on it would be awsome as “F”, i just cant afford 10$ to get it hate mailed, since, well, it’s Christmas time and all, and shit is a bit tight here ya know…
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Remembering Maddie =-.

  209. Your living room is so…Victorian.
    .-= Tiruba´s last blog ..Ahhh, Swimnastics. =-.

  210. J to tha G needs to rep the Yarmulke too. Maybe during Hannukah (sp?) you could have a little menorah…I’m just saying…he’s prolly a non-denominational were-bear-pig.
    And he’s yours!!

  211. I’m so fucking proud of you.
    .-= Sugared Harpy´s last blog ..Our baby is the size of a blueberry and already trouble =-.

  212. I’m a new reader of your blog and I fucking love you. James Garfield would scare the shit out of me, though. Glad he found a good and loving home.
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..Proof I love my kids more than I love Christmas lights =-.

  213. I’m not sure who the hot medieval babe in the picture next to James Garfield is, but you’d better put her somewhere else. She is TOTALLY making the moves on him!
    And my Christmas is now ruined, because I could never, ever acquire anything anywhere near as cool as JG…

  214. So… should I just leave my credit card number here? Or do you take checks?
    .-= The Undomesticated Housewife´s last blog ..A Japanese Conspiracy =-.

  215. I think I might have dated James Garfield once.
    .-= Josh Almighty´s last blog ..My Lovelife – An Update =-.

  216. psss : i’ve been arrested by the Royal Police for impersonation. “Apparently”, the King fairly appreciates that one of his citizens takes the liberty to speak on his behalf. From now on, i’m calling him “The Belgian Hitler”.

    pssss : great, now i’ve totally increased my “chances” of being ass-raped in the showers by a royalist convict.

    But the good news are : now the Belgian King reads your blog and i can still receive Xmas cards in jail.
    The bad news are : now the Belgian King reads your blog and i’ll be stone to death with rotting chocolate for calling him “The Belgian Hitler”.

    I think i deserve James Garfield much more than you do.

  217. Bloggess,

    For those readers who have to keep Googling “James Garfield” (read: terrorists) to see what he looks like, I took the liberty of doing a comparison for you.

    I, for one, think you NAILED it.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style – Part One =-.

  218. Hey jenny (can I call you jenn i have been staulking u for while so i feel i know you) I am soo happy for you! I too spent to much time worrying some other bitch would snatch him up before Victor saw the light. He looks very happy there. I will take my letter in anon email form letting my hubster know he is an asshole for not EVER getting me anything 1/2 a cool as james garfield. I am slos wondering if you have the bitrhplace of swine flu in your home?

  219. that was BIRTHPLACE of swime flu I have typing turrets.

  220. You know how people are fond of saying Jesus is the reason for the Christmas season? I think James Garfield is the new reason for the season. No offense to Jesus, of course. I’m sure he’d agree.

  221. I like the idea of a pilgrimage proposed by Angela. I live in Austin and it’s not such a bad drive to Houston. It would be like going to Mecca or to the valley to see Jesus on a tortilla. I’d totally fork over $10 to bask in the glory that is James Garfield. Let us know when we need to be there and whether you’d prefer cash, check or credit card.

    PS – if you could dress up in some sort of quasi-religious outfit it would really help with the feeling of authenticity. Thanks

  222. I was so sad when you left without James Garfield. I too had been thinking about him all this time and wanted a James Garfield of my very own (my husband also thought I was crazy when I showed him your post and expressed my desire of owning my own James Garfield). I was so happy to hear that he is now safely abiding in your home (I told this to my husband as well and once again he looked at me like I was insane). What I wouldn’t do for one of those. Is James’ little buddy still there? Maybe I could buy him instead. He already has a name: Martin Van Buren.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..The Failure Patch =-.

  223. Can I buy a card with James Garfiels and that awesome dinosaur head sticking out of your desk? Maybe they’re like, having a conversation or something? Will James be wearing a Santa hat? Maybe a beard? A dsguise or something because he scares the shit out of me.

    Where do I send the money?
    .-= Mamasoo´s last blog ..First Day of Advent =-.

  224. [...] SMILE NOW OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU!” which sadly is an annual occurrence, BUT of a picture of James Garfield since it is extremely tempting AND it just seems so much easier than trying to capture the smiles [...]

  225. *sigh* I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I wish I could find my shedding, stuffed pig head to renew my enthusiasm for life.

  226. It’s no wonder why Victor loves you. (Even though he probably wants to stab you often.)

  227. OMG I’m late in reading this – can I still get in on the card?! That’s all kinds of awesome!
    .-= Princess of the Universe´s last blog ..Prissy =-.

  228. oh man, you are the best kind of crazy. don’t ever change.
    .-= steff´s last blog ..On Uncertainty, Dark Revelations and Giving Thanks =-.

  229. Dude, regarding the “disguise beard” on your monitor… I am afraid to ask: What was your girl looking at that you don’t think your readers (remember: many of us are as crazy as your are, though certainly not as entertaining…) cannot stomach?!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Hello, December! =-.

  230. I like that you still pay attention to the kleenex in the picture. Oh no, we will judge you. Judge. You.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..What the faeries? =-.

  231. Damn you, Victor. I was just about to make my move, too. I had it all planned out. I even killed a boar and just finished rubbing its blood all over my naked body. It was going to be the best proposal ever. Asshole.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Despite their love of Hasselhoff, the Germans aren’t so bad =-.

  232. Thank you so much for making my really crappy day a little better! I have been thinking about James Garfield since your first post! Victor is awesome, you are a lucky lady.
    .-= Janice Guazzo´s last blog ..TESTING POSTS =-.

  233. My best friend’s mom and uncle were in Germany a few years ago and purchased a taxidermy weasel in an attack pose, henceforward known as Wenceslas the Christmas Weasel. The tale begins with the two of them arguing in the antique shop over who would get to buy Wenceslas (apparently, his name was as instantly obvious as James Garfield’s) and ends with him dressed in a Christmas scarf, rotating homes each year so that both her mother and her uncle get to spend equal time in his presence. I’m pretty sure that until now I thought Wenceslas was alone in the world—a figure frozen in aggression, shooting the crazy eyes at those who dare venture too close. Now I know he has family. I feel better.

  234. Yay! You got him. Finally! I want 10 cards. So where’s the PayPal button? :)
    .-= okjedi´s last blog .. =-.

  235. Oh and don’t think that in all this muthafuckinfestivity we have forgotten about the “Japan Part 3-The Toilet” post that you promised us. I am dying to know how you figured it all out.

  236. I am so happy for you and James!!
    I had a stuffed Armadillo that stood up on his hind legs and you could totally see his little stuffed balls. I named him Roger. I even gave him little hats for the holidays.

    Where is he now you ask….. I was dating this guy for like 6 months and found out the douche canoe was engaged!!! So I left Roger in a pot on his front porch….. total Fatal Attraction!!! Woo now that was funny. Years later I ran into him and he said it scared the piss out of him!! And yes he still had Roger and wouldn’t give him back!! BASTARD!!!

  237. Dude! That thing fucking rocks!
    Do they make it with like red lipstick and a tutu?? Hmmm I guess they call that Kirstie Alley! Oh well Nevermind!
    Seriously watch your back…because everyone is going to envy you now!
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..I Am Now a Pescetarian….It’s a Vegetarian That Smells Like FISH!! =-.

  238. A few things. I’m OCD with lists:
    1. It looks like you’ve got a mechanical penis-shaped torture device up there. In front of the angel, that is. Did you get that in Japan. Very feng shui. (Is that Japanese?)
    2. You totally have to bring Mr. Garfield to the Antiques Roadshow or something. Watch he was once the prized pet of Hitler or something. Or Santa. You never know with wild boars. It could’ve even been the one that ate that kid in Lord of the Flies. Yikes.
    3. I forgot number three. Fucking OCD.
    .-= Kristine´s last blog ..Camel Toes Make Me Sentimental =-.

  239. Oh my goodness, James is home!!! But now the creature that was foaming-at-the-mouth-but-it-turned-out-to-just-be-a-hanging-price-tag is all alone. He needs you. He needs James. Victor needs to go back to the house and get little Junior.

  240. Nothing is sexier than a man carrying a dead pig’s head. Or a boar? What the heck is James Garfield again???
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Can We Get A Little Color in Here? =-.

  241. Your desk is the cluttered mess of glorious eclecticism I could never dream of having.

  242. I like the T-rex mirroring James Garfield’s pose.
    .-= Alyssa´s last blog ..Hope for Anissa =-.

  243. 244
    Judy Doojie

    James Garfield is the best investment ever. Tell Charles Schwab ASAP maybe you can get trading stock for James and make your money back that way. You’re welcome.

    p.s. why is Hailey taking a Rorschach test?

  244. And now I can sleep in peace. (but I am glad though that James Garfield isn’t here w me. I am atad terrified of him.)
    .-= Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday — My Little Hostess =-.

  245. Haha, awesome. I would be scared to even have a picture of that scary being in my home, but I’m a pussy too. Glad you got what you longed for, it’s always a delight!
    .-= Wynn´s last blog ..Christmas feelings =-.

  246. So was your daughter creating a beard for James Garfield? You’re not going to get your dear little lady to replace the fur on the pig’s head are you? And there’s a small part of me that firmly believes there’s another blog out there, run by the former owners of James Garfield documenting “this woman in need of serious therapy’s” escapades to rope her hubby into coming back and buying the pig.

    “He asked for $50 and I threw the ole – ‘shit, the tusks are worth more than that fella’ at him and he fuckin’ bought it!!!” You done good lady – I’d fought to buy the damn thing too!!
    .-= WhyIsDaddyCrying´s last blog ..Moving Onward =-.

  247. Victor is going to love it when he realizes how much of a full, participating member of the family James Garfield is.

    Such as, when James Garfield submits a Christmas wish list and both he and Hailey send it to Santa together. When he gives and receives Christmas presents. Next year when you plan a huge Adoption Day celebration.

  248. How freaking awesome! I am so excited for you that James Garfield got to come home. But I’m also jealous because now your Christmas cards will rock and mine are boring. I only have pictures of my kids on them. People can see them anytime. Crap! Now my Christmas cards suck.
    .-= Sarah (@scunning)´s last blog ..Rambling =-.

  249. Do you know what? James Garfield and I are still waiting for those toilet pictures from Japan! Where are they? I can’t wait to see your blogs now, what with James Garfield for inspiration.

  250. If James Garfield needs some company, I hear a lot of his relatives are roaming around the suburbs in Ft Bend County. Also at Geoege Bush Park in western Harris Co.

    Just saying.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Making Babies =-.

  251. And you wonder why your daughter has such a vivid imagination?

  252. –>Oh my goodness, I have to stop myself from laughing out loud in my office while reading your posts. Your writing style is hilarious to me!
    I’m glad you got an early gift from Santa.
    What is the other body-less, full of teeth creature in the corner?

    ~deb
    .-= WebSavyMom.com´s last blog ..Wordless Wedneday – My Mother-in-Law =-.

  253. That’s a t-rex. Sadly, he has no name.

  254. I’m so glad you finally got him! He looks awesome above your computer, way better than he did in that other house.
    .-= Hillsy´s last blog ..Security Camera =-.

  255. 256
    James Garfield, Jr.

    http://cgi.ebay.com/OOAK-DOLLHOUSE-WILD-BOAR-PIG-HOG-TROPHY-MOUNT-MINIATURE_W0QQitemZ320454755736QQcmdZViewItemQQimsxZ20091128?IMSfp=TL091128206002r5514

    I think you got a great deal on the real thing – this miniature version (not too much bigger than a thimble or two) is almost as much!

  256. 257
    James Garfield, Jr.

    That said, I totally want that miniature James Garfield.
    Loved your story – thanks so much.

  257. I seriously hope Victor got a blow job out of all of this…from you or James Garfield.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..A Rose by Any Other Name Would Still Be A Strip Bar =-.

  258. OH.MY.GOD. Words can’t describe how I feel right now…part outrage, part admiration, part disgust, part amusement. I can’t believe you actually bought it and hung it up! Wow, I say, wow!
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Logo Designs! =-.

  259. Um, first of all, James Garfield will totally pay for himself in LOVE. I mean, you’d have to have a heart of steel to not love that scary, chemo warthog thingy. A heart of steel.

    Secondly, um, is Hailey really sitting in for you? Does that mean you spend all day making weird beard people on your computer?
    .-= Mama Bee´s last blog ..Don’t Worry, Be Happy =-.

  260. For the love of god post. I need a fix. This still makes me laugh though.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Introducing =-.

  261. Jenny – you are brilliant (kind of like a “freak whisperer”)and Victor is a saint (and not just because of the James Garfield incident). :-)

  262. Your blog is the only one that I have been “awaiting moderation”. What is up with that? What words are moderated? Seriously.

  263. Nothing’s *really* moderated but every time you post for the first time it puts you in moderation because it thinks you might be spam. And technically you’re a repeat commenter so you shouldn’t be in moderation except that you used a different email address this time than the one you used before and my spam filter is too dumb to realize that it’s still you. It’s not you. It’s my spam filter.

  264. OHMYFRAKINBOB, I heart you like a hearting thing that hearts.

    Return on investment? LOVE is its OWN REWARD.
    Also, James Garfield is SO much more awesome than some spooty Leg Lamp looking all Rocky Horror Christmas Special in your parlor window.

    James Garfield, relaxing in his new steampunky surroundings, looks like a werebearpig at peace with the world. Although I do believe I hear him pining for accessories. Yes. That still small voice… something about a tiny pith helmet, a bowler hat, and a velvet cravat. Because James Garfield is a werebearpig possessed of an elegance of mind and a sophisticated air of fashion. Loving James Garfield as you do I know you will not withhold from him these tokens of your affection.

    I vote with several of the posters above: not sure I would pay $10 for a card… I would pay $15 for a calendar though. Not only would an annual calendar prove a ROI to Victor for Mr. Garfield, the proceeds could save other similar creatures on the brink of homelessness. Mr. Garfield could entertain them in his rooms at the club. Poker buddies, perhaps?

  265. [...]  Remember in my last post how I said that if 9 of you would buy a James Garfield xmas card I could justify buying him and [...]

  266. Ooooh! He surprised you by taking you out to buy a dead pig for you! Jenny The Bloggess, your man loves you! That is one of the sweetest things, and how many sweet things do men do involving dead pigs? Not many.
    .-= vakadesign´s last blog ..Pink Tourmaline Pendant – $350.00 =-.

  267. OHHHHHH! I have not laughed so much in weeks. Thank you dear Blogess. (and Victor for providing the cash to sponsor the James Garfield who inspired this post)
    .-= colleen´s last blog ..Let’s talk about the reasons I need to hire a supervisor (for myself) =-.

  268. Confession: The James Garfield rants remind me of Joon in the movie “Benny and Joon”. Did Victor buy you a snorkel and ping pong paddle, too?

    You are a freakin’ hoot!

  269. I think your stuffed pig-bore-monkey-bear is awesome! I use to be an interior decorating…and that is a rule for decorating….the element of surprise!! You got that goin’ on!! ~Chris Ann

  270. Victor may be on thin ice right now, but I think you should let it all slide because he actually bought James Garfield.

    I can’t believe the mafia was involved. You better watch yourself – I would bet they’ve got James Garfield bugged and are watching your every move. If you go missing, I’ll let the authorities know it was the mafia. They’ll understand, once they see James Garfield.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Wowweee!!! =-.

  271. You would have had James Garfield a hell of a lot earlier if you husband just realized it was inevitable and he would have saved himself a lot of grief if he would have just done what he was told. After all if he really loved you he would have wanted to make you happy. Happiness is having James Garfield in your home.
    I think you should start a baby book on James Garfield. (My son is 27 and I still write in his book from time to time!)
    “First year: Day 1 – Homecoming! Here is a picture of Daddy Victor bringing JG into his new home.”

    Congrats Mom on your new arrival.
    .-= Rose´s last blog ..Calypso Carnival Necklace set (USD $40.00) =-.

  272. I love James Garfield!!!!!

    I’m on the hunt this weekend for my own personal James Garfield, but I will name him Rick Moranis.

    I have to be honest and tell you I have a minor, verging of full-blown, girl/blog crush on you!
    .-= T´s last blog ..Update on the 2 newbies =-.

  273. Oh I love it – Just Love it. I Read this on a dreary drizzly Sunday all by myself in the office, and was roaring with laughter. I think had there been colleagues in the building, I would have been looked at like I was a bit nutty – well, more so than usual.

    Anyhow, I just have to say you’re lucky – because your husband truly TRULY loves you – and realizes that for $90 bucks, purchasing some peace and quiet (and for the love of God NOT hearing “James Garfield” fill in the blank statements) was worth it. Ahh… LOVE… :).

    Oh – and congrats – on giving James Garfield (who I too think is Laughint Triumphantly in the last one) a home. He’s a very happy Wild Boar!

  274. Is it to late to buy an awsome save the James card? That card needs to go on my tree! We have been more naughty than nice this year and when Santa checks his list and sees that we helped prove to Victor that James is a money maker it will put us back in the nice column. Please save our Christmas. The check is in the mail.

  275. [...] Garfield is in his rightful place, and all is well with the [...]

  276. omg. victor is the best… ever. well, except for james garfield, of course. congrats on bringing home the bacon!
    .-= Ericka´s last blog ..So Sleepy… =-.

  277. is it too late to order my card?? haha or are you tired of making them already? im also on board with a calendar…

  278. this made me cry. true love.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Getting Down To Business: Chemo And Stem Cells =-.

  279. OHMYGAWD…Etsy has a mini replica of James Garfield. Sorta. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32683930

  280. I just received my very own surprise James Garfield Christmas card in the mail not ten minutes ago, and it was very confusing for several reasons: 1) because I just posted about you yesterday and for a second my brain was like, wait, did she read my post? which is ridiculous, but brains are dumb sometimes, b) I skipped over the actual message too see the signature and I thought to myself, “Who is Jenny? Who the fuck is James Garfield and why is there a fucking boar on this Christmas card, and C) When I saw your lovely Bloggess stickers fall out of the envelope my next thought was, “How the fuck did my ex-roommate get The Bloggess to send me a Christmas card?” It was a very weird ten minutes.

    Then I remembered this entry and felt less special.
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..i’m fucking DONE y’all =-.

  281. [...] someone mailed me cash for a James Garfield ChrisKwanzaaKahRfield card but instead of real money they sent me a Canadian $10 bill.  Which is kind of fucked up because 1) [...]

  282. I know I’m late to all of this…but I love it. Everyone needs a James Garfield in their life & I can’t wait to find mine.
    .-= rache´s last blog ..Twitterpated Thoughts =-.

  283. It’s a Christmas Eve James Garfield + Jesus miracle — I just got the card in the mail with a special inscription by you! And I didn’t even know it was coming!

    My New Year’s resolution: more taxidermy. (And continue trying to solve for A.)

  284. [...] special-edition James Garfield cards with you all.  And yeah, there were several versions because James Garfield is too bad-ass to be confined to just one [...]

  285. [...] i say this but…”"I think we could be friends".  She has a Hog’s Head named “James Garfield” Anyway…huge fan….So i got this….And it is [...]

  286. So it’s sort of almost spring right now but I feel like I NEED a James Garfield card. Maybe make it a “congratulations for not being eaten by a bear” type deal?
    .-= Emilia´s last blog ..My Weekends Are Never Normal (part 2) =-.

  287. Hey! I love the James Garfield story, and Victor! My eldest, Danielle Marie, went to the antique mall and FOUND the two-headed dragon statue I wanted for MY birthday; therefore you and I are related. PLUS I have the SAME picture of the lady you have. Therefore you and I are related! Sis! Yo! I love James Garfield!! How’s he smell?

  288. [...] have named him “Pocahontas Wikipedia” and I’d have put him under the head of James Garfield and loved him with all my heart until the cat chewed his hands [...]

  289. All good women have the magic “we pay for water?!?” moment. The water industry relies on boys being stupid.

  290. [...] make a difference in people’s lives” and then he made me put it out in the garage with James Garfield because apparently our real estate agent thinks having hilariously awesome taxidermied animals in [...]

  291. Oh, the things I’ve missed whilst living the frontier life out here these past 6 months or so, far away from blogland 95% of the time. Brings a tear to my eye. How many nightmares has Victor had about the esteemed Mr. Garfield? You are hilarious.
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Things that amuse me, Vol. 4 =-.

  292. OMG, this is freaking hilarious! I forced my husband read it _immediately_ before he left for work and read aloud all the parts that he agreed were funny so that I could remind him about the parts he didn’t recognize instantly as FREAKING HILARIOUS!

  293. Addendum: When he finished, my husband stated very seriously that if we’re to get a mounted animal head, it will be because he shot it.

    I asked if that meant I could pick out the animal before he shot it.

    He said yes, and smiled.

    I win!

  294. how do I order?

  295. thought 2- can I trade you a unicorn trophy broach?

  296. [...] short summary for those of you who are new here this year:   Last year I fell in love with the head of a badly deteriorated, taxidermied Wild Boar which Victor refused to … I named him James Garfield.  Then James Garfield was threatened with dismemberment in a horrific [...]

  297. I just found your blog, thanks to a big fan of yours over at Comments From the Booth.

    “like some kinda goddamn American hero.”

    I literally laughed so hard at this that the the bitch from the next cubicle came over to find out what the commotion was about. :-) Thanks for bringing a bright spot to my morning!

  298. Jenny,

    I was just reading your latest post when my husband walked in and asked what I was doing. I said ‘reading The Bloggess. You remember James Garfield?’ He said ‘Oh yes, the smiley boar -head’! Instantly James Garfield’s face popped into my head and I burst out laughing. I didnt even have to SEE James Garfield. Just the THOUGHT of him made me laugh. How awesome is he? Oh, and my husband is awesome for totally knowing who James Garfield is.

    Mistral

  299. 301
    drbubbles

    Having been introduced to you via Beyoncé I’m wasting timeworking hard catching up on your œuvre de blog. The pic of Victor carrying James Garfield out of the house totally reminded me of this one Christmas song that I only know from The Chieftains’ Christmas album Bells of Dublin even though the song isn’t sung by the Chieftains and there aren’t any bells in it. Anyway, it goes like this:

    The boar’s head in hand bear I
    Bedecked with bays and rosemary
    And I pray you, my masters, be merry
    Quot estis in convivio

    Caput apri defero
    Reddens laude Domino

    The boar’s head as I understand
    Is the rarest dish in all the land
    And thus bedecked with a gay garland
    Let us servire cantico

    Caput apri defero
    Reddens laude Domino

    (There’s another verse but it doesn’t mention a boar’s head.)

    Anyway, I know that the boar’s head they served at Christmas probably wasn’t stuffed (or at least not with wood shavings and cotton or whatever it is they stuff dead animals with for æsthetic rather than culinary purposes), and it probably was also still attached to the rest of the boar; but even so, that song should autoplay whenever that picture of Victor trotting J.G. out to you is loaded. Especially if you were able to photoshop the santa-hats in again.

  300. 302
    Lady Penelope

    *sniff* that’s so sweet. I think I’m a little in love with Victor right now…

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  1. Hello, December! December 1, 2009

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