Valentine's Day for Under-Achievers

There’s a woman I know who is intent on making me not like her simply by virtue of being too good at shit.  Case in point, every Valentine’s Day she makes handmade valentines with personalized photos of her child attached to actual objects.  Like, “I wheelie like you” with a toy car inserted into the photo of her kid’s hand.  So now the other moms in the class are all making 30 twee personalized cards with rulers and play-doh and magnets on them and it’s raising the bar to impossible limits and I want to just be like “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.  COME ON.”  But I don’t.  Because that would be too obvious.  That’s why this year I’m considering taking Valentine’s Day to the furthest logical conclusion so that these bitches (I mean that in a good way) can see what kind of a dangerous path they are paving.  Here are the ideas I came up with for home-made V-Day cards with “sassy gifts”:

You’re a shoe-in, Valentine” taped to a used flip-flop

Bee mine” attached to a paper bag filled with live bees

You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls

I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair

You’re quite a catch” tacked to a dead dolphin.

Oh, me so horny” attached to bassoons.

You rock my world” written on boulders.

I don’t want to bug you, but be mine” stapled to ziplock bags filled with the dead bugs in my light fixtures.

This may sound corny, but you’re the best” attached to an unshucked ear of corn.

Be my honey-bunny” safety-pinned to some rabbit carcasses.

I’m never ‘board’ with you, Valentine” nailed to a two by four.

You’re a good egg, Valentine” wrapped around a raw egg.

I’m stuck on you” taped to a baggie of used syringes

Give me some sugar, Valentine” attached to a five pound bag of sugar

I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies

You light my fire” attached to a half-full butane tank

Water You Doing For Valentine’s Day?” written on a full five-gallon water-cooler bottle with no lid.

You’re my Valentine…No butts about it!” inside a mason jar full of cigarette butts.

You’re Quite a Scoop!” stapled to baggies of used cat litter.

“You’re Hot, Valentine!” attached to a loaded flame-thrower.

And if that doesn’t work then next year I’m giving all the kids in Hailey’s class free kittens.  Sick kittens.  With diarrhea.  Because that’s where we’re headed, people.  And pretty soon you won’t be able to give away the kittens because every Valentine’s Day your kid will come home with 25 sick kittens from all the other kids in the class and then next year someone else will step it up to free monkeys and invariably a few of them will be fever monkeys from shoddy labs and they’ll bite the kids AND THAT’S HOW YOU GET ZOMBIES.  ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, OVERCHIEVERS?  MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO EAT BRAINS AND I HAVE 90 SICK CATS AND A FEVER MONKEY LOCKED IN THE CLOSET.  THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

*deep breath*

I’m going to go lie down now.

422 thoughts on “Valentine's Day for Under-Achievers

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh – you make me laugh! =) I love all of those ideas, which would likely result in less then stellar results. Especially the bee one. But I have to say… bassoons aren’t horns. French horns are horns. You can totally attach one to a French horn. That would make more sense. =)

    (Bassoons are not horns? Now I’m questioning everything. ~ Jenny)

  2. I’m with you on the ridiculous heights some parents take things to. Both of my kids will be giving away Valentine’s bought at Walmart because that’s how I roll. 🙂

  3. There are no words to adequately express the depths of my love for you, Jenny. You make my day just a little brighter. So glad I’m not the only sick, twisted mom on the planet.

  4. The bassoon one was my favourite, for sure.

    Valentine’s day is insanely out of hand, for kids and adults alike if you ask me. One box of Valentines from the dollar store was all I ever needed. And the last time my boyfriend and I went out for Valentine’s day, it was to Tim Hortons.

  5. live bees or bust! that one is the best! or what about “addicted to you” with a little baggie of cocaine!

  6. See, I didn’t read “bassoon” … I read ” baboons” so yeah… I thought you meant a bunch of horny monkeys and well… at least the act would be Valentines day ish…

  7. I would give the “I’m stuck on you” out with duct tape in different colors and patterns. Let the other moms deal with their kid decorating the house with that. 😉

  8. I think they should ban valentine’s day in school, cause stuff like that can lead to kids liking each other, and from there it is just a stone’s throw to sex…AND THERE CAN BE NO SEX IN SCHOOL! Think about it. It could be a real problem.

  9. Of course the ultimate conclusion would probably to hand your love interest a bloody still-beating heart. No words. No explanation of where it came from. Just a blank stare with sheepishly blinking lashes…..and a mushy, bloody, dripping beating heart in your outstretched hand.

    It just screams, “HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE’S DAY!!!”

  10. More suggestions:

    Love Bird: – picture of a heart taped to someone giving them the middle finger

    Forever & Always: – attached to some duct tape and written in cut-out individual magazine letters

    Cootie Pie: written lovingly on a piece of pie filled with bed bugs

  11. You are sick. You are twisted. And I respect that. You make me feel inadequate because though I am also sick and twisted, you are sick and twisted on steroids. I love you.

  12. There are times I’d love to get inside your head and observe how this all goes down. I can’t decide if this is one of those times or not. 😉

  13. Well, I misread “bassoons” as “baboons” and it worked just fine in my head. I played clarinet for four years and totally missed that it was bassoon, and that that bassoons are not horns, but woodwinds.

  14. Wow.
    1. Filing this away in “reasons I would suck as a parent”
    2. The boulder thing could actually be really cute if you, ya know, use regular rocks instead 🙂

    But perhaps the best thing you could do would be bake a batch of brownies. With chocolate chips added. And instead of water, you use espresso. And draw a frosting heart on each one. This means they’re the highest-concentrated vessels of sugar and caffeine that the kid is going to get all DAY or even all MONTH and OH MAN will they be little assholes when they get home.

  15. The bassoon is my favorite! I might actually do that for my husband he would get a kick out of that. Geesh, I’m just hoping to get the cheapie cards from the grocery store and a list of the kids names in time for the big day – none of this crafting business. Guess I’m not up for mom of the year after all. (bubble burst)

  16. I read this in the library. WTF was I thinking? By the end, I was laughing so hard that other people started laughing. I guess I’m just spreading the joy. Much like spreading monkey-pox but without the potential for zombies.

  17. I’m confused. Who are these Mothers making these valentines for? You don’t send your kid a valentine surely?

    (They’re making them for their kid to give to the other kids in class. ~ Jenny)

  18. I was appalled when I noticed that all the kid’s Valentine’s cards came with gifts and candy to attach – when did THAT happen [says the person with no kids]??? I was going to point out how weird it was to my husband, but then I got distracted and went to buy vodka instead. (When they start making Valentine’s with airplane bottles attached, THEN I’ll care.)

  19. You always make me smile 🙂 And if we’re voting on these, I like this one – “Oh, me so horny” attached to bassoons.
    I’m thinking about sending it to my boyfriend, so thanks for that.

  20. My sister-in-law overdoes the whole she-bang too… sickening! you are too funny!

    btw…my browser underlined and wants to sell me: “personalized cards, vacuum bags, light fixtures, and cat litter” hmmm

  21. oh my gah – I thought it said BABOONS not bassoons. Which makes even less sense, except for me knowing the expression about a monkey humping a football and I thought, well, it’s a stretch, but okay.

  22. The “You’re Beta” one could also work as “You’re Betta.” You’d just replace the beta tapes with angry Betta fish in Dixie cups!

  23. I wonder if you could ask your dad to mount the bees on tiny springs that spring out of a can when someone opens it. Like those fake snake gag gifts, but with stingers and venom.

  24. This is just too much. Just give them the damn sugar filled candies and let them play in traffic. Like the rest of the kids.
    Damn over achieving mothers.

  25. I say go cheap with sugar or artificial sweetener packets stolen from restaurants. Write “Give me some sugar” right on the packet. Boom. Done.

  26. ..and I read bassoons as baboons and couldn’t figure out the *horn* connection…

  27. “I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair” – I could totally do this one! Every freaking day. Ha!

  28. “I’m a sucker for you” should be attached to a bucket of leeches. Now that’s romantic! In unrelated news, I stick at gift giving.

  29. Love it! We had one mom this year who went out and bought actual mailboxes (not the normal sized ones, but pretty big) and decorated each individual one for each kid. So no we don’t have to decorate the shoe boxes… I asked her what she was trying to do? Now even if I do make some cutsie hand made valentines with cute treats, it won’t compare. DAMN THAT OVER ACHIEVING MOM! What meds is she on and where can I get them?

  30. I am totally picking up a rock and writing YOU ROCK on it and giving it to my husband for Valentine’s Day. That is pure awesomeness.

  31. Can’t you just say your religion prevents you from doing this bullshit? Seriously, I don’t understand the level of stupid people with kids have to go through today. The first time I heard about goodie bags from birthday parties I thought the person was having me on. It is all just crap that gets thrown away in the end. Wouldn’t a better Valentine be to put whatever money is waste on this stuff toward the food bank or something?

  32. Sorry Jenny, a bassoon is a woodwind, so it isn’t a horn. But, stick it to a trumpet or something brass(except a saxophone, saxophones, though made of metal are woodwinds too. sneaky Bat Rastards). As always, you have made me laugh so loud my family is sure I have finally lost it for real this time. As a mom who has stayed up until 3am making Hershey kiss roses for V day, I feel your pain. I agree with another comment. Don’t give in. Then the Martha Stewart Nazi mom wins! Also, I would like to reassure you that they do grow out of it. Happily, I haven’t had to “make” Valentines for a class since 6th grade. My darling is now a Junior in high school. Huge relief.

  33. And once we get zombies, then there will be a need for a whole new set of valentines – now marketed to the ever-growing zombie population.
    I’ll start: “Valentine, I love you for your body and for your tasty braaaaaains.”

  34. But wait, whatever happened to the Copernicus cards you made last year? Surely this is the year that children need to learn to differentiate a hug from a strangle. And to make it snazzy you could attach certificates for a free hug. Or strangle. Their choice.*

    *based on whether or not they are an asshole.

  35. This is seriously SO brilliant it’s blowing my mind. Wait, that might just be the fever monkeys causing zombification. Grraaauuuuuiiihhooooghghhhhhh?

  36. We all hate the pressure of Valentine’s Day, too. ~nods somberly~
    Someone will be by to feed your Fever Monkey momentarily.

  37. “You’re quite a scoop” is my favorite one… and really if you think about it, probably the one with the the most longevity because you’re getting like 300 cats with some sort of gastric upset this year. By next year you’ll have scooped enough to start your own Valentine’s factory. You’ll be, like, a philanthropist or some shit for taking care of the little poopers AND you’ll be able to set up shop on ETSY and make a shit ton (no pun intended) of money with your Valentines! That is what we call a “win-win”! Bravo!

  38. I think maybe the dead bunny one is a little too Fatal Attraction-y, and would probably freak everyone out, otherwise you’re good to go. Incidentally, I played the French horn in high school and my band instructor gave me a pin that said “I’m horny”. These days he probably would be arrested.

  39. I did send Fun Dip Valentines to school with my kids one year, you know the packets of sugar that is dyed with artificial sugar. The kind that keeps your child wired for at least 12 hours. I sent them as a “fuck you” to the parents that send in the crappy candy and pencils that my kids drag home every year. I’m sure that the kids parents didn’t really notice and the kids all liked the straight sugar in a packet. But I was happy that the “fuck you”
    Maybe this year I could do the 5 pound bag of sugar or spare some live bees. I like the live kittens with diarrhea.
    Fucking Valentines..

  40. Bassoons may not be horns, but they do cost as much as a car. If you spent $25k on valentines for your daughter’s class you would win forever. Those over achieving losers could never, ever catch up.

  41. Come on, ONLY cat hair? Why not go all out and really wow your valentine with vacuum bags of big fluffy cats! Nothing says “I’m a sucker for you” like mowing down a litter with a Dyson. Only the best for my valentine!

  42. Love it! How about “Your love worms my heart” stuck to a baggie of (mostly) live worms?

    or, “You are my world, my center, my fecal point” taped to a plastic butter tub that you’ve used for leftover food but now have filled with doggie doo?

  43. I’m going to use these for my boyfriend’s valentine.
    I thought maybe a good ol’ intimate sexy time would do, but these suggestions are so much more hilarious, and also cheaper. (lingerie is expensive)

    Thanks.

  44. Thanks Jenny, I wasn’t freaking out about Valentine’s Day until right now. It’s okay I have a boy in kindergarten, so he’ll just give everyone a slug.

  45. You’re overthinking this. The kryptonite for those annoying overachieving moms is CANDY. preferably the super cheap kind from dollar tree with arabic writing on the label. Bonus points if it’s partially unwrapped and sticky. Next year there will be a policy banning anything but paper valentines. Win.

  46. Maggie B’s right. Bassoons aren’t horns. They’re double reed woodwinds which I know because I used to play the Oboe (also a double reed woodwind. Thank you, middle school band!). Double the reeds, double the squeaks. They sound AWFUL if you don’t play well, so perhaps attaching a note saying “You make me squeal, Valentine” to an oboe would teach the parents a lesson.

  47. LMBO…I totally hear you…I can’t stand those types of Mothers, ugh!! I also love your ideas but I have a feeling if any of those were done they still wouldn’t get it, heck they wouldn’t even get it if they read this post…Their children are perfect and can do no wrong, ekk!!

  48. Love it, and personally, I still buy the standard little Vday cards we gave away a gazillion years ago when I was in elementary school. No candy, just the little tiny cards that fit in the little tiny envelopes that fit nothing else.

    As far as any dead animals, I think you would have a hard time attaching them to vday cards because you might not want to part with dead owls or dolphins, especially if they were posed well and wearing costumes….LOL.

    I can’t stand the mom’s that do everything for their kids rather than letting them do them for themselves. My mom didn’t do my vday cards…and I wouldn’t do my kids either. The chick you are dealing with is probably an independent consultant for Stampin Up or some other card manufacturer and is just trying to drum up business.

  49. I should not have read this. I have a cough, and laughing is not as much fun as it should be. ROFC…

  50. And here I thought the mom’s here gluing candies to their kid’s V-day cards were being all uppity. They’re just phoning it in apparently.

  51. Oh, man, I could’ve written this myself. Lower the bar, yoga moms! I can’t keep up. We’ll be buying flimsy, made in china, paper valentines at the walmart. (And this is why my kid is not popular …)

  52. I was able to laugh quietly to myself while reading this until comment #9, James, the exlax guy. That made me snort laugh in a otherwise quiet coffee shop.

  53. Somebody took my “still bloody, beating heart” idea already….I am always 5 minutes behind pure genius. We call these mothers “the overachievers”.

  54. I’m an asshole….I started reading this while cutting out the hearts for my son’s valentines that have a chocolate car and says “You’re a wheelie good friend” after just having the conversation with a friend on why the hell am I doing this? None of these 4 year olds care! Yup, I’ve turned into that mom but I promise, I’m not letting it get to zombie infecting monkeys.. I’m sorry. If it redeems me, I pretty much like every single one of your valentines better, the I’m stuck on you had me tears!

  55. I’m 27 and I still happily hand out those Snoopy valentines you get in sheets and have to snap off a square to make a card. That’s not good enough anymore…? I feel old…

  56. “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY. COME ON.”

    You hit the nail on the head before you even got to the homemade gifts.

  57. Bassoons are woodwinds, I think. But I like the way you think.

    Also, I hated the custom of trading valentines in school. My mom made me do them for everyone in the class, but I hated everyone and the only good thing about this was potentially getting candy but it’s not very good candy anyway so why don’t we just do more math? THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATED THIS CUSTOM. I WANTED MORE MATH.

  58. When I read “I’m good but you’re Beta” all that popped into my head was a heart drawn around a photo of my two dogs humping. Yeah, I’m not well…..

    ….but I do have a valentine idea for my kids now, so thank you!

  59. Hey! Only another month until Easter, when you can send sick baby ducks home too. It will give the sick cats something to play with.

  60. I bet with a little research we could find something sketchy about St. Valentine and have the whole thing banned in public schools. Be easier than rounding up 25 rabbit carcasses.

  61. “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY”. Now that’s the winner!
    But I think I have my husband’s Valentine now thanks to James — “I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

  62. I’m single w/no kids so I might be jaded but if I go to another 1 year old’s party that took the parents the entire year to plan and craft, I will lose my shit. All I want is a damn piece of cake. I hate you, pintrest.

  63. “You’re a shoe-in, Valentine” taped to a used flip-flop

    I’m on this one! Finally, something to do with all the crap that washes up or gets left behind on my beach! I hate seeing all that stuff go to waste … like single flip flops or fins or boat shoes. I will add “You are too sweet Valentine” and attach it to the numerous used toothbrushes I inevitably find stuck in the sand. Or “You shine, Valentine” to go with the sandy, broken sunglasses. Finally, “In time, you’ll be mine” attached to a water-logged watch. This one sounds a little stalker-ish, but they do get a free watch out of it. I see this as a real opportunity to teach the munchkins (and their over-achiever Moms) about the value of recycling too. Thanks so much for the ideas, you are the best!

    If Valentine’s Day does happen to lead to the zombie apocalypse, I’ll be ready with the machete that I once found stuck in a pile of seaweed. Truly, the beach has everything!

  64. Amen sister.

    When my son was in 2nd grade, an overachieving Mom sent home a gold fish – in a bowl without a lid – with each child for her daughter’s One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish project. Really?? Eight years later and up-teen dead golf fish later, I am still cleaning the friggin’ fish tank waiting for that last fish to die.

  65. “Water you doing for Valentine’s Day?” Oh goodness gracious, I think I’m going to use that one. Thank you so much.

  66. I am no Martha Stewart (Stuart?) hell I don’t even know how to spell her name! But my kids are on it this year. They have designed their own valentines to print out with a TARDIS on one side and “Keep Calm and Have a Happy Valentines Day” on the other. They plan on handing them out with a snack cup of vanilla pudding and a swedish fish. I’m sure all the other kids will be baffled but I think that just makes it better!

    (That? IS AWESOME. ~Jenny)

  67. Said perfectly and exactly what I was thinking about Valentine’s Day with these crazy insane school moms. I personally hate the holiday, because my grandfather died years back on it, but that is another story. Just so can’t stand having to celebrate and then try to outdo overachieving mothers on tip of it!! Enough said and thank you!!

  68. *carcasses because, you know, the message would be safety-pinned to some rabbit carcasses’ ASSes.

    (Shit. ~ Jenny)

  69. Dear Ms. Lawson,
    Due to your violation of school policy on “known allergens” *see school handbook page 547, article 8, section 4* your child’s Valentine gifts are being returned unopened. Please consider this a written warning. Further disregard of school code will result in dire actions by the school board, up to or including; 1) your picture posted in the office with your description AND weight *which we understand even your scale refuses to accept as possible*, with a caption below identifying you as a school terrorist and public enemy #1. 2) A report will be filed with the ASPCA describing your cruelty to animals *we can not prove any torture occurred but you have self admitted to having a large collection of deceased animals* 3) Immediate ejection from the Wil Wheaton Fan Club of North America *yes, we wield that much power*.

    As you can see, we are quite serious about this matter. We take education seriously, we are sure you can understand our stance on this matter.

    In closing we would like to remind you of the upcoming bake sale, cakewalk, purse sale trunk party, lunch lady appreciation day, St. Patty’s Day party, President’s Day Party, 100th Day Party, and Party Day Party. We look forward to your generous donation of time and money as usual.

    Sincerely,

    The Prime Minister of all Things Edgejucatianal

  70. Valentine’s Day was never that much fun when I was a little kid. Where are my free twenty-five sick kittens?

    And, the monkey. Of course.

  71. You know, there’s a pet overpopulation problem! Kitten season is right around the corner! Shelters really CAN’T give away all the free kittens. You might be onto something with a kitten Valentine for every kid… Oh Jenny, you’re so HUMANE.

  72. I have been asking for a flame thrower for any and all holidays/birthdays/Hallmark occasions for the last 20 years from my husband. He just doesn’t understand the need. But I can see that you do.

  73. Agreed! I looked on pinterest for Valentines activities for my toddler. It was all shit that moms did for their kids. What’s the FN point of that? I might as well chew my kids food for him.

  74. or you could always do what I do, completely forget until the night before when your daughter comes to you in tears that she has no store-bought valentines to give out. Dash to the nearest grocery store only to find that the only paper valentines’s they have left are Loony Tunes with stickers, so buy a huge back of chocolate bars and a sheet of labels and have her design her own name-tags for each. and. every. student.

    BAM. Mother of the Year.

  75. As a bassoonist, I just want to thank you for doing your part to work the bassoon into popular culture conversation. Thanks to your marvelous blog and its comments, people all over the world are being educated that the bassoon is neither a baboon nor horn, but a double reed woodwind instrument that costs as much as a car. It is prominently featured in such media successes as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from Fantasia, March of the Penguins film, theme from Alfred Hitchcock TV show, theme from BBC’s Rumpole of the Bailey, “Weeping Angels” episode from Doctor Who, and anytime Bugs Bunny has to tiptoe quietly.

    I have two degrees, that’s right, TWO degrees in bassoon performance and am constantly faced with people not knowing what it is. I admire your adventurous and courageous creativity with your Valentine’s Cards! Brava! I believe bassoonists everywhere will be sporting “Oh! Me so horny!” buttons this Valentine’s Day!

  76. Okay, I feel better about last year’s Valentine’s. I just ran off a bunch of address labels that said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, From S. (My kid’s name)” and stuck them some York peppermint patties. It was chocolate. What else do you want? A stupid pencil. Who gives a pencil for Valentine’s Day? What a weirdo.

    The kid was thrilled by the York peppermint patty idea. I may do it again this year. Get a big bag and keep the leftovers. 🙂

  77. PS – Bassoonists sometimes refer to their own instruments as “my horn”, as well as “my axe.” Some examples are “I need to take my horn to the shop,” or “My axe is in the car.” “Are you bringing your new axe to the gig tonight?”

  78. So relieved to know I’m not the only one who misread bassoons as baboons. I was so confused! Looks like I’m in good company though…not sure if that should make me feel better or worse…

  79. I always hated Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. Because it never failed – the cute boys never gave me anything. This is probably why I’m so excited when my husband sends me flowers.

  80. ya know,. i always always love your writing,. and the thoughts that fuel it.- not that you need MY approval 😉 but i am a fan. you make me smile and i relate.
    but today. hmm.
    i don’t know why i feel a little defensive for this poor dorky Mom who gets a little “too into it” some might say. perhaps she isn’t Craftier-Than-Thou,. or hell bent on wrecking our mom-esteem,.. maybe her motto is moreso like “why do it when you can overdo it” i dare say she may not have considered the mood souring ripple effect that her Uber-Superior Mothercrafting Oneupsmanship would create. She might not be “bored” or “have nothing better to do”,. in fact…. my bet is that she is just plain excited to be alive. She is a happy little nerd Mom and we should let her do her thing without raining down our criticism and caustic wit.
    Signed,

    Mom Who Was Recently Asked Not to Do the Class Bulletin Board Anymore Because It is Too Over the Top and Makes the Other Classes Feel Bad

  81. If anyone wants to do the “You’re Quite a Scoop” one I can donate plenty of soiled cat litter. My cats leave me lots of little stinky valentines in their boxes every day. The little dears.

  82. Ditto everything Ann Adair said (including: I’m a bassoonist, thank you for mentioning bassoons, and yes you can refer to them as horns–we do).

    Now go right ahead and send those bassoon valentines my way. I’d prefer a Heckel, but I’d settle for a nice Fox 601. Throw in a contrabassoon, while you’re at it. 😀

  83. Carrying on with the two-by-four idea, you could then nail it onto your lover. So they can always carry your love with them. At least, until they bleed out.

    -Lindsey

  84. It was all originally about a saint who heard confessions and tossed notes of encouragement to doomed prisoners during some long forgotten ethnic cleansing until he himself was captured and tortured to death. Seems a much better idea to simply let people know you love them and let it go at that.

  85. Or maybe the classic, “Roses are red…” poem, along with a tube of red or blue food coloring? I’m pretty sure that the path of ruin would dissuade even the heartiest overachiever.

  86. You should consider giving ducklings. They’re little shit machines. Oh so long ago my daughter volunteered to bring her class ducks home for the weekend (every kid alternated a turn). It was one of the most traumatic weekends of my life.

    Little shit machines…on my garage floor…then my tub.

    Shudder.

  87. I like your list more than the ones on Pinterest. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy looking for thoughtful gift ideas. (Thinking of them anyhow) But taping “I soda think you are amazing” to a can of coke is just annoying.

  88. I think you’re approaching this in the wrong way. You should see this as an opportunity to educate these poor, suffering children about really important things… like the BBC series of Sherlock (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9ou50Nrt31qfs2z4o1_500.jpg) or Doctor Who (http://franticallysimple.com/2012/02/dr-who-free-printable-valentines/) or Lord of the Rings (http://wanelo.com/p/441368/nerd-love-greeting-card-i-would-simply-walk-by-insomniastudios)… I mean, think of the potential. YOU’D HAVE AN ARMY OF GEEKY CHILD MINIONS AT YOUR COMMAND!

  89. Happy VD (written on the back of a prescription for antibiotics)
    Always Be Mine (written on a panty liner)
    It’s good to include some things that would prompt a frank discussion of menstruation and sex ed. Parents would probably thank you for it!

  90. Now I’m hungry for a fever monkey sandwich. With a side of kittens. Since they’re dying humanely and don’t have to be slaughtered after living a horrible life on a factory farm.

  91. You’re hilarious!!! May I add one more?

    “You’re the shit, Valentine!” This would go well w.a paper bag full of dog shit for a man or a little candy dish full of rabbit pellets for that lovely lady in your life 😉

  92. Comment 129 is the best comment ever. And totally what I’m going to get in my kids’ Friday Folder after I send the 20 sick kittens with him for his Valentine’s party.

  93. Not to scare you, but I love you so much, I may just have to send you one of everything on this list. Except for the sick kittens…you’ll get 25 of those for regifting purposes.

  94. “I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair….OMG, I am so doing this, because I can! I about laughed myself into a pee stupor!

  95. The kittens with diarrhea almost caused a concussion as I laughed so hard I fell off my chair and hit my head on the tiled floor. Fucking overachievers! I have a whole lot of kids which means a whole lot of Valentines…or not. For only $1.99 each, we buy the shitty boxed ones THAT THE KIDS LIKE BETTER ANYWAY!!!!! Hear that, overachievers? The kids like the Star Wars holographic shit and the cute puppy ones BETTER! And don’t write the kids’ names on there…just put “to my school friend <3" to go that extra slacker mile. I have this shit down to a science.

  96. I used to like Valentine’s Day. Until I became a mom of school-age children. Now the thought of it tires me out. BTW, you should rethink whether you could staple anything to a stack of Beta tapes. I’d recommend a big elastic.

  97. “Valentine, I’m nuts about you” In the shape of a heart stapled to a picture of scrotum. That’s ok for the elementary school set, right ?

  98. I read baboon not bassoon so I thought baboon’s must be extremely horny animals. Now I see that it is bassoon not baboon and I now not only know what kind of an instrument the bassoon is, but I also know it is not a horn. I learn something new everyday from your blog! When my son was little I just sent boxes of conversation hearts to school with him for Valentines Day. Let all the other mom’s do all that creative, crafty crap. I’d rather ride my bike. 🙂

  99. I feel inadequate and I don’t even have children…I used to love the Valentine’s bought at the drug store. Is that not cool anymore?

  100. I have two kittens with bloody diarrhea that are costing me a fortune to diagnose. Make me an offer. Please.

    “Valentine, I’m crazy for you, be crazy for me?” taped to a bottle of Clozapine?

  101. Ba ha ha. OK, now you have raised the bar for all of us. How are we supposed to come up with anything that will beat those? I am throwing out the stoopid valentines with pencils, the height of lameness.

  102. OK, it seems clear to me that “This may sound corny, but you’re the best” should be attached to a corn that you shaved off your foot with a scalpel. Or maybe the leavings of a corn you burned off your foot with salicylic acid? Oooh, maybe you burn it INTO your corn with salicylic acid and then just present your branded foot to your sweetie?

  103. “Give me some sugar, Valentine” attached to a glucose meter.

    Actually, I NEED valentivnes day! It’s the only way I can get rid of the left-over Halloween candy!!

  104. See, this is what happens when you leave intelligent, capable women with too much time on their hands. They start obsessing over their childrens’ valentines and that way, as you so rightly point out, zombies lie. This is how the apocalypse will start, people. Not with an alien invasion, but with a HOME-MADE VALENTINE…

  105. No, no… an actual ear of corn might be at least marginally useful. For the “corny” one, why not kill two proverbial birds with a single card and duct tape the Valentine to a baggie full of petrified candy corn you have left over from last Halloween? Nothing says “Valentine’s Day” like stale candy.

  106. This is why I’m terrified of having children. It’s not the kids I’m worried about. I can handle a lot a puke before I stop loving someone. But the prospects of classroom moms terrify me.

  107. Personally, I think you should go with “I Heart You” stapled to a bag with a chicken heart in it. (You could probably go cheap and buy chicken livers in bulk becasue a kid wouldn’t know the differrence between an actual heart and a liver anyway and the Mom would be too busy freakin the fuck out and calling the cops or something to notice it’s the wrong organ. So DEFINITELY go with the cheaper livers.)
    Just a thought…

  108. Take comfort in knowing that parents making their kids’ valentines is the ultimate in helicopter parenting and they’re going to feel guilty about it someday. Ask Haley what she wants to do, help her come up with a plan that’s doable for HER (for 30. not doable for six and a half valentines and then weeping or boredom intervenes), take her shopping, and keep an eye on her during the hot glue parts. Then you get to feel virtuous AND feel sorry for the kids with heliparents.

  109. On the revenge tangent- permanent markers! Make up whatever to work them in to the Valentine but what kids doesn’t like markers? And the permanency is just for the super-overachiever moms who’ve upped the ante!

  110. Okay… so I’m totally going to go to the craft store and get heart shaped rocks and paint “you rock” on them for Valentines gifts… yep, gonna do it!

  111. So, can we start making these and pinning them to Pinterest and sharing them with each other until they are the most popular Valentine pins?

  112. These are fantastic ideas. Love them all. But in defense of the over-achievers, I’d say it’s a slippery slope. After all, you are a published author with what? A half a million readers per day? One might say you are an over-achiever. So as a perfectly normal class Mom and PTA Vice-President, when the uber-successful career Moms tell me I’m making them feel bad, I have a canned response: “Agreed. Your success as a surgeon also makes me feel less secure as a woman. I’ll be crappier at my job as soon as you are.” Let everyone shine their own light, and don’t take it as a personal statement on your own performance. I love all Valentines: homemade, Wal-Mart, dead stapled owls. It’s all love. It’s all good.

    (Well said. But in my defense, I’m only accidentally successful so I don’t think I count. Also, don’t send anyone fever monkeys and we’re cool. ~ Jenny)

  113. Fever monkey’s. Hehe. The, “You rock” idea is kind of cute. Did you know that you can get chocolate rocks? You could mix them with real rocks for the kids that piss you off. “Food” for thought.

  114. Any Valentine with the word FUCK in it will rock the house. Just sayin’…or something. LOL. Love it! And on another note, I’m one of those cheap ass mothers that gets the 1.99 set pack of cheap ass Valentine’s and has my kid fill them out herself. What a LOSER I AM!

  115. Yes, yes, and more yes. I have to take 24 signed Valentines into Baguette’s class. She is two. At a minimum, shouldn’t this be required of kids old enough to write their own names?

  116. Maggie B is right, Bassoons are woodwinds. Brass instruments are horns. But I’m glad she mentioned it first so I wouldn’t be that annoying band parent who corrects people. But then again, maybe I am?

    And like seriously, Valentine’s Day at school is for the kids to celebrate…. are the kids making those amazingly snarky-over-the-top valentines? Nope, the parent is. What do the kids get out of that other than ‘my mom knows how to show up the other moms’. We either buy ours at the last minute at Walmart or the kids make their own with construction paper that might be red or pink and the hearts are uneven and they don’t spell Valentine’s correctly…. and I think they mean more to them than if I attempted to be creative.

  117. OMG I have so many used syringes! This. Is. PERFECT.
    (Because I’m diabetic, not because I’m a druggie. Just thought I should clarify that. Also I realize that I shouldn’t be stockpiling used needles, but I’ve only just recently switched to insulin from oral medications and at first I was buying these red biohazard containers at the pharmacy that you could mail back to the company for safe disposal when they got full -because my pharmacy doesn’t let you turn them in there- but I have yet to make it to the post office so they are just sitting there, full and packaged up in their return boxes, all along the top of my cupboards, like terrible, terrible tchotchkes. AND, my pharmacy ran out of them and apparently never plans on getting more, so now I’m just filling up this empty laundry detergent bottle. Writing this has made me feel like I should switch to a less sucky pharmacy.)
    I love how everyone is Epcotting over the bassoon thing too.

  118. Lmao. Don’t they see where this is headed?! Zombie apocalypse is no joke! This is no time to fuck around!

    xo Ashley
    luckylittlebird.blogspot.com

  119. I feel your pain. My 9 year old is totally taking a bag of rocks to school for v-day. Thanks for the idea! I’ll let you know how it goes. I might have to visit the principals office but it will be worth it.

  120. I love this, even though I’ve totally been considering being one of those over-the-top moms and giving out dollar store pencils that say “You’re just write.” lol.

    Also, I’m with one of the other commenters. I’m totally stealing one of your ideas for my husband’s Valentine.

  121. I love the corn one, but am disappointed there wasn’t an “ear” pun in it. Something about being all ears? Actually, never mind, I can’t make it work either.

    I’m not in the US, and Valentines Day is celebrated rather differently here, so I find the idea of children handing out valentines to everyone else in the class kind of weird. In these parts it’s more about love in the more adult sense, so the idea of helping your kid come on to every other kid in the class seems… a bit wrong?

    But then, I don’t get Halloween, either. 🙂

  122. Heather….if you could only have seen the over the top me and the map project my son and I created…am sure we are on parental hit list as enemy # 1

  123. Half of those ideas will be given to my husband, along with what James(#9) suggested…
    “I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

  124. Jesus Christ this post made me laugh so hard I choked on the milkshake I was drinking. I’m now dripping with banana milkshake and I don’t even care man. 😀

  125. We’re talked *endangered species* owls, right? Because nothing shows devotion like dead endangered species.

    Also, tell Joe’s mama to feed the kittens with the squirts some canned pumpkin (not the pie mix kind). It worked wonders in my household and gave the kitties orange tongues which had some amusement value.

  126. Jenny, you’re on Pinterest and pin “kick ass stuff” all the time. Are you honestly telling all of us that you’re not in the over-achiever rank for that purpose alone. Even I saw a site with a whole bunch of awesome homemade Valentines to make! LOL! Though, if you get the owls, feel free to send me one of those. Just have your dad stuff it for me first… 😉

  127. You’ve inspired me. I was going to do these cute free printable Valentines I saw online yesterday. But they have paper dolls you can cut out of them. And you’ve convinced me that’s setting a bad precedent that could escalate quickly. So cheapos from the grocery store it is.

  128. What about real cow hearts with “I love mooooo” written across them in permanent marker? I see your homemade hearts and I raise you a dead cow heart…suck on THAT, supermoms

  129. Gets Valentines.
    Complains.
    First World Problems.

    (Khereva: Zombies and fever monkeys are EVERYONES problems. ~ Jenny)

  130. That’s it. From here on out, I’m boycotting everything homemade. Someone’s got to stimulate the fucking economy and all this homemade shit is mucking up the works. I had a feeling I was going to come to this decision at Christmas with the homemade advent calendar trend, which just about made me lose my shit – I mean, who the hell has time to make advent calendars with 24 individually wrapped presents when you can buy perfectly fine ones at the store? – but V day is my line in the sand. Thank you for the incentive.

  131. Yikes, it seems like Valentine’s Day is such a big deal across the pond. In the UK it’s a bit of a non-event. Couples tend to get each other cards and gifts and go out to dinner or something, but I’ve never heard of kids giving a valentine to everyone in their class. Here you only send a valentine’s card to people you love or have a crush on normally. I’d hate to have the pressure of yet another random holiday, as if anyone has time for that?

  132. To Indiana Lori —

    I’m not quite sure how to say this … as a Mom who regularly feels shitty about not being able to do anything for my son’s class because I’m trying to finish a PhD, hearing you put it that way actually helps a lot. Not that I want YOU to feel bad, but that we all excel in our own areas and shouldn’t feel bad about it. But we’re moms and we’re overachievers (some of us), so we still do. So thank you.

    At the same time, your comment kinda makes Jenny sound unkind and that’s not cool. But since you read her blog, I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t mean it that way. After all, most of the ladies here are fan-fucking-tabulous!

    K.

  133. I think I will give my husband the 2′ x 4′ one this year. No, really. that is now my plan.

  134. I just wanted to say, your blog never fails to brighten my day. Take today, for example. I’ve had a long-ass day (and it’s only 4:04?!) full of people who think they know how to do my job better than me telling me how to do my job, professors piling homework on top of perilously tall piles of homework, and frantic packing for a conference I’m going to this weekend. So I get back from class, plop down at my laptop determined to get SOME sort of productivity out of the way before dinner…and see your blog post. Day instantly better 🙂

  135. I find myself in the same predicament, with not just an over-achieving Mother, but an entire Family that exceeds that super awesome Stepford bullshit and drags all us normal people into early grey hairs and 10am wine glasses trying to avoid the Worst Parent of the year award.
    This year I’m sending 22 baggies of peanuts dusted in Gluten, candies with red dye #40, and grape flavoured 5 hour energy.

  136. I almost said that 30 dead animals may be difficult to find, and several of your ideas involve stapling things to carcasses, so I was going to recommend going with the bees or used syringes – but then I remembered it’s you, and you probably know EXACTLY where to get 30+ dead animals in a variety of species way easier than a shit-ton of bees or used needles. I’m not sure if I feel good or bad about the notion that I could probably find 30 used needles before I could find 30 dead owls – that either makes me way normaler than you (it’s a word – I went to college, so that entitles me to make shit up as long as it’s contextually sound. Don’t judge me), or I need to move the fuck out of the city.

  137. I think you are really onto something. It sounds like a lot of work though…. You should probably have the kids find their own dead creatures to save you the trauma of killing what seems like a wide variety of animals that may or may not be tricky to catch… Perhaps have their valentine be of a map to a near by forrest where they can hunt down said owl them selves… give a man a fish he eats for a day.. teach a kid to hunt owls… theres probably a reality show in there somewhere…

  138. Okay these ideas are awesome and remind me of my last awesome gift to my husband — a spatula. Today at work we were talking about crochet toilet paper roll cozies from my childhood in Texas and I thought wow that is also an awesome statement gift that says I love you so much I want to keep your toilet paper roll warm for Valentine’s Day.

  139. PS – why the fuck does everyone know everything about bassoons?

    (I’m putting this on a t-shirt. ~ Jenny)

  140. @Andie,

    Killing Valentine’s Day isn’t enough. We need a time machine to take out the originator of it. Which means:

    The main reason why Valentine’s Day rose to power is that The Doctor did not stop it.

  141. Um, I’m kind of currently working out the logistics of how to purchase 352 Valentine’s cards from Walmart and tiptoe around my dorm the weekend before Valentine’s taping cards to every door, possibly including a Hershey’s Kiss if I can figure out how to attach those to doors.

    In early December, I bought thirty boxes of candy canes (12 canes per box, 360 canes total), smuggled them into the dorm, opened the packages, dumped them all into a big reusable Walmart bag, and then tiptoed around the dorm for two nights straight (I had to work the first night so I had to cut my fun short after only the top two floors) candy-caning every door in the dorm.

    Am I a bad person?

    (No. You, my friend? Are awesome. And if you lived in my town I would join you. ~ Jenny)

  142. I blame Pinterest. Everyone is an overachiever crafter now. Keeping up with the Joneses is a bitch and highly overrated. That shit won’t fit in their Valentine box. All kids want chocolate or other candy that they can eat while at school and not have to tell Mom or Dad. Dumb overachiever bastards.

  143. I looooaaaathe the unecessary Valentine’s Day hype -______-. However your ideas do bring me a sick type of joy.

    Here’s another suggestion:

    “You’re my sweetheart” thumb tacked to the decaying tooth of someone’s great grandmother Floe.

  144. Much as I love me some Pinterest, it has definitely sent a lot of people completely over the edge. When my kids ask why they don’t have homemade Valentine’s and such, my go-to response is, “I’m not that kind of mom.”

  145. I thought about a boxed enema with the message “you make me float right off of my seat”…..too obtuse??

  146. Neither my hubby nor I participate in Valentine’s Day. We celebrate our love 365 days a year, not on any single day, especially at the behest of the greeting card companies. We don’t need the calendar to remind us of how much we mean to each other. that is TRUE LOVE.

  147. You really missed the mark on the 5 pound bag of sugar. I was once the recipient of a 50 pound bag of sugar from a coworker for my birthday. Every single time I left my office, that 50 pound bag of sugar was right back in my chair. Every time I left to pee. Every time I had to talk to the boss. It was two weeks before I figured out how to donate it, but my biceps never looked better.

  148. Acknowledging this conversation the month before this dreaded “event” seems sacrilegious in the realm of underachievement 🙁

  149. One change: This may sound corny, but you’re the best, attached to a cooked and eaten ear of corn.

    Outside of that, everything is brilliant. You are brilliant. How is it you are so brilliant? I love the way your brain works. Really. A lot.

  150. I knew there was a reason to keep a bunch of biohazard bags in my craft supplies for something like 7 years.

    “Hey valentine, have some bodily fluids…”

  151. I think I love you all over again…
    “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.”
    That, and “*knock knock, motherfucker*” .
    A very many side-clutching giggles have been done in your honor.
    And I thank you.

  152. might i add, if you used ROTTEN eggs, they would probably stop encouraging this sort of competition altogether. also, i would spell out your ”no butts about it” card using cigarette butts on a red heart-shaped doily.

  153. I’ve got to brag! The one kid in my boys’ class with the over achiever mom moved away! Now it’s just me and the other slacker moms!

  154. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.

    yep.

    even though we haven’t done valentine’s in a few years (kids are now in *high school*) i may point them to the dr. who downloadable ones..lol. they love that show!

  155. Hi hi hi. You may not read this since you have tons ‘o’ fans and about 300 comments on this post alone, but I just wanted to tell you that you really inspire me. I have my own humor blog (Curls and Cusses) that I don’t update nearly enough since I’m trying to do the whole graduate from college thing right now. I love what you do and I always come to your page when I need a swift kick in the ass to write a new post. I hope someday people enjoy my blog as much as they enjoy yours.

  156. My kid’ s school prohibits candy (and sugar in general) so I am totally stealing the rock idea! The headmistress at this Nazi Montessori school is getting an extra big rock with her name on it. SO fitting!
    Love the idea…and you for coming up with it!

  157. Sometimes reading blogs is like opening a can of worms because I’ll be driving around in the mini-van thinking things like:

    “Oh…o.k….Take a pregnancy test and attach the message, “Just taking a ‘pregnant pause’ to tell you, ‘Baby…we can stand the ‘test’ of time.”

    A cigarette with, “I’m not blowing smoke…being without you would be a drag.”

    A blank check with, “Let’s check into forging a new friendship Valentine”

    A checkbook register with “I’m completely out of balance without you”

    A high school trigonometry book with “1m + 1u= Nothing makes sense without u Valentine.”

    Thanks Bloggess for helping me completely space out in the van.

  158. we drew pictures on rocks (they were supposed to be jingle bell rocks, but the kid put the brakes on that) to put in everybody’s stocking thingy for the xmas party. people liked it. but I probably can’t do that for every holiday…

    (grown up) for the ear of corn: wanna shuck?

  159. A toad with ‘Have I toad you lately that I love you’

    Ritalin with ‘I’d just spazz out without you Valentine’

    Xanax with ‘I’m on Cloud 9 with you Valentine’.

    Oh dear Lord….make it stop…I’m drugging the theoretical child’s Valentine party. G’Night!

  160. I was able to giggle through all of your ideas, thanks to the fact that: A) My kid isn’t in Hailey’s class, so I don’t have to worry about her bringing home diseased animals, and B) my kid goes to a private school and half of the other mom’s from her class seem to have a stick up their butts, which a diseased monkey could, just maybe, dislodge (thanks to opposable thumbs).
    Seriously, what is with these uptight mothers? Get a life! I do not have the patience for dealing with them.

  161. You realize where this is heading, don’t you?

    Be mine – attached to a land mine.
    I love you to pieces – attached to a land mine.
    You blow me away – attached to a land mine.
    Don’t step on the land mine – attached to a land mine.

    I beg you to stop before this goes any farther!

  162. I laughed so hard reading this which I thought that was impossible after sitting thru my friends engagement at a hockey game tonight. Don’t get me wrong I love her but seriously I’m PMSing and I kinda hate her guts today ( I know I sound like a complete bitch BUT the stupid hormonal imbalance going on in my brain is winning right now AND i hate hockey!)
    Anyway thank you for the laughter i feel a lot better now!

  163. First Valentine’s day with the guy who became my husband, I kept telling him no presents because Valentine’s is a crock of shit. He got me a crockpot.

    (And three yellow roses because they’re my favorite and he likes to make me cry.)

  164. How about “Be My Valentine, Baby” stapled to an actual baby? Because, hey, who doesn’t want a free baby? (Almost no one, except maybe Angelina Jolie.)

  165. Oddly enough, I think I have all those items hanging around my house. Thanks for the gereat Valentine’s Card ideas.

    Your “Bee mine” attached to a paper bag filled with live bees is a CLASSIC!!

  166. Those are all great ideas but you do your child and her lineage (well, at least half of it) a disservice if there isn’t some form of taxidermied animal with every valentine, don’t you think? Who wouldn’t want a dead owl or rabbit over a boulder? And if they wouldn’t, then wouldn’t this be a great experience for them to learn and stretch? You’d be doing your daughter’s whole class a great public service.

  167. I particularly liked the ziplock bags filled with the dead bugs Sassy with class….or is it classy with sass? I get confused about these things.

    I have never been happier for not celebrating Valentine’s Day, than after reading this post. @_@ Those mamas? Scary!

    I say I’ve never celebrated. That’s a lie. Hubby came home from work that one year with a flower-decorated box of Valentine’s chocolate. His boss had bought them for him and ordered him to give them to me, or, according to the bossman, I’d kick his sorry ass out. We were both equally confused. But the chocolates were tasty 🙂

  168. I am so glad my kids are grown.

    I am extra special glad to get to read your blog to find out what I am not missing.

    I am extra extra special glad to have read about the semen massage. Not glad that it happened mind you, but it made me laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time. Ha-ha-ha- OMG, that poor woman…hee-hee-hee…oh crapula, that poor pregnant woman…

    Said it before, you rock Jenny.

  169. Live bees!!! Best Valentine ever. Makes me think of that classic Simpsons line, “It says ‘Bee mine’ and there’s a picture of a bee on it!”

    If the Simpsons taught us anything it taught us the importance of not taking Valentines cards so damn seriously.

  170. I think peer pressure is worse for the parents rather than the child! :p I am kind of thankful I studied in an all-girls school…then again, maybe not! 😀
    your valentines though? Kicks ass!!

  171. I have to tell you that you have irrevocably changed me though I am not sure for better or worse. I found your post about Beyonce on pintetest yesterday and have since sat down and read your ENTIRE blog. And even now it is 3 am and although I have finished I am sending links to some of my favorites to people in my phone. I am getting angry replies about it being late but they will thank me when they wake up and see what motherfucking gems they have waiting in their inbox. I hope you take pride knowing everyone from my 14 yr old cousin to my 70 yr old grandmother will be reading tales of giant metal chickens and stuffed weasels all day long. And ps… I need,and by need I mean I might die if I do not get my own little Juanita in my hands. I am still working on my husband. I told him it could be an heirloom for our 8 week old son. He was not amused. But I am. Oh how I am.

  172. How is a bassoon not a horn? I’m like you, I just don’t understand anything any more. These kids these days with their kittens.

  173. I’m sitting here in the hospital and can tell you honestly that your post made my heart race becuase I loved it so much, 98 BPM 😉 Laughing hurts but totally worth it!

  174. And then, to help combat all the zombies wandering around, you’ll have to give out live cloned unicorns with their magical horns to spear the zombies which means the school will be covered in bloody galloping unicorns. What says romance better than that?

  175. Jenny, as a former bassoonist, I can assure you that the bassoon is, in the broad sense of the word, a “horn.” As in something you put your lips together and blow into. Horns, strings, drums.

    I think Maggie B. is just jealous of the noble bassoon and is sore you chose it for your Valentine. :p

    (And yes, I can also confirm that bassoonists are perpetually horny.)

    (TMI?)

  176. I’m not sure what’s more awesomesauce: your posts or your commenters!

    I haven’t laughed that hard since. Well. You know. Your last post.

  177. Here is the letter you should send to all the class mothers:

    Ladies,

    In an escalation of arms it’s the little people who suffer most. So if you all don’t knock off the “Who’s the best mommy?” craft war I WILL send home valentine kittens this year. That will be my warning shot. The next shot fired will be an entire litter of puppies. You have been warned. A dum dum sucker and a sticker is sufficient. Anything more elaborate will be considered an act of war.

    Trust me – they will thank you.

  178. >>> “You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls <<<

    This one is too, normal… reasonable, even. Let's escalate:

    "You're a hoot valentine" stalpled to some live and VERY ANGRY owls.

  179. I think owl-pellets might be better … no need to climb trees to find dead owls and way more gross as they contain owl spit AND random rodent parts.

  180. I misread “bassoons” as “baboons”, too! My mind was apparently in the gutter, as I just thought you meant babboons were horny, which is clearly inappropriate for grade-schoolers.

  181. NO! NO! NO! Stop this now. Do not rise to it or get involved. Encouraging your kids to take part in this just turns them in to sad fucked up adults who still send out 50 million christmas/valentines/easter/any other fucking celebration cards in the hope of getting 50 million back so people visiting their house can comment like “Oh wow! look how popular you are!!” And if you don’t send one back, the next year they don’t send you one and eventually you will be like I was this year WITH NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARDS and the not receiver will end up feeling really unpopular and unloved and you don’t want that on your concience now do you???? *takes a deep breath* Jenny, move over. I think I need to lay down too.

  182. I just pinned this to Pinterest. I hope it wipes out all of the stupid ideas I see there. I’m tired of women thinking they have to win at every single holiday.

    And I’d have hated getting a ruler as a Valentine when I was a kids.

  183. One year, my daughter came home and told me that her best friend had received a visit from the tooth fairy. My daughter then went on to inform me that not only had her friend gotten a dollar from said tooth fairy, but had also received a personalized letter, complete with a picture of her personal tooth fairy.
    AN ‘EFFING PICTURE!!
    Turns out (who knew?) all children are assigned an individual tooth fairy – complete with a name and fascinating back story. I still remember trying not to scream, “FUUUUUCK!!!!” as my daughter tearily asked why her tooth fairy not only never left notes or pictures, but was generally three days late in remembering to drop off the money.
    Thanks overachieving, Mom! Now my daughter thinks her tooth fairy is part of a work-release program and drinks.

  184. Valentine’s Day also happens to be my husband’s birthday, so many of these would be for an adult. Most of these are OFFENSIVE, so if you currently have a stick up your ass, stop reading now.

    “You are smokin hot” written on a pack of cigarettes and lighter
    “Your love is infectious” stapled to a condom
    “I’m crazy about you” taped to an Rx bottle of lithium
    “Stuck on you, Valentine” attached to a tube of superglue
    “You are pretty as a picture” written on dozens of Polaroid pictures that look stalker-esque
    “You are special” on a helmet packaged in bubble wrap
    “I’ve only have eyes for you” in a box of human eyeballs
    “You drive me nuts” with a fake ID taped to a bag of peanuts
    “Hey, I heard you are a fun guy” wrapped around a can of anti fungal spray and a dirty jock strap
    “Because you’re mine, I walk the line” on mini breathalyzer
    “You take the cake, Valentine” written in icing on a cake with a footprint in the middle
    “You’re the only one for me” written on a bottle of Chloroform wrapped up in a rag
    “The world is brighter because the sun shines out of your ass, Sweetheart” wrapped up with a mini flashlight and tube of Astroglide.
    “You’re a knockout” taped to a pamphlet about domestic violence
    “All you need is love” stapled to a bag of dead Beatles
    “You hold the key to my heart” on a keychain with a small animal heart attached
    “Without you, I’d be blue… balled” Baggie of used Kleenex and bottle of lotion.
    “I couldn’t survive without you” written on a cooler with kidneys inside
    “So, now that you’re knocked up” (open the card) “Will you be my Valentine?”

    I could do this shit all day. I warned you that many would be offensive.

  185. I’m so glad you posted this post before Valentine’s Day… because I plan to sleep right trough it and I would have totally missed this and not have been able to make design my card “do you want a ‘bat’ on the back (of your head), Valentine? Then you better bring me flowers on April 8th because that’s my birthday.”

  186. You make me feel better. It’s not that I’m against class parties for every fricking holiday on the calendar, but it’s all the time and effort that goes into them. These are just kids (I have one of my own) – why do they need cupcakes that look like mini masterpieces and a whole bag of favors to take home for me to have to dig out from under the couch and step on in the middle of the night? I like keeping it simple. All the fancy ass crap can come later in life when they actually appreciate it (and they can spend the time and effort on it). Besides, how will they ever learn to appreacite the simple things in life? A little paper valentine from walmart that their classmate took a little time to seal shut with a sticker should mean more than a handmade card with a egocentric photo on it that the kid never even knew about until SuperMommy was finished with it. gah…

  187. I think the “I’m good but you’re Beta” should be attached to one of those baggies containing a Beta fish.

    Because once the kids bring them home, the over-achieving Moms will need to run out to buy a fish bowl, colored rocks, water plants, underwater castles, and fish food.

  188. This made my day!!! Thank you so much, I thought it was just my school that had these crazy bitches!

  189. “I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies
    Tape a dead beta fish to the stack?

  190. I SO needed this laugh today. I felt like a slacker for not taping candy to the store bought valentine cards. I am totally buying yours because they are just that awesome. 🙂

  191. A warning to anyone reading this: DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING. You might short out your computer monitor.

  192. The way i look at it some people have way too much time on their hands. Maybe they just love their children more than i do? Something to think about.

  193. Loved this! Made me snort out my sweet tea. Luckily it only dribbled down my shirt and didn’t get all in my keyboard… haha! My kids aren’t even in school yet… I hate to think of where we will be in 2-3 years… giving away motor bikes? Will that be the standard? Cuz my kids will be hated. They will be giving out a mini candy bar and a walmart card… and maybe a special gift to the teacher… or their crush… but that’s IT! lol

  194. My kid is s-c-r-e-w-e-d because I’m not all into all that competitive stuff so I would just have my kid hand out $10 bills and put on the card…”I just bought your love, you are welcome” You know cause….I’m lazy and shit.

  195. Looks like some good fodder for regretsy.com. 🙂
    So hard not to laugh out loud in the very quiet cube farm…

  196. Our BONKERS elementary school does this “Special Events” thing once a year. It is where the school picks a country or region to highlight, like India, and then decorate the WHOLE DAMN front hallway in crafty-themed-mini-movie-a-shit-load-of glue-tape-time-effort. The finished project goes on for a week (with special events every day) and each grade has their on section to decorate. You can tell it is “special events” time of the year by all the huddled masses of CRAZED Mom’s who are discussing plans and dividing up the work load. WTF!!! I just figure that the other Mom(s) who are standing and staring at the freaking UBER MOMs (or crazy crafters or holy shit balls she has sniffed to much glue) is the easier way to figure out who have a morning drop off beer with. After two kids and six years of this, to hell with coffee and bagels.

    I say Beer and chips and salsa for all!!!

    PS. I confess that I did make paper grass ONCE. After the obviously crappy crafty job I did, I was not asked back the next year. So SAD!!! WINK!!!

  197. “Bee(r) Mine” attached to a can of beer. Because there’s nothing wrong with extending naptime.

  198. Fuck all of this.

    How about a post it note with “My mom said she has a life” written on it?

  199. I feel like such a troll for writing this, but once a band geek, always a band geek…..bassoons are woodwinds…not horns.

    Shame on me for pointing it out, but I clearly couldnt control myself.

  200. Oh, there’s one of those moms in every class, and I say you’re right, the one in my daughter’s class must be taught a lesson. Oh, look at all those dead bugs in my light fixtures!

  201. I think you’d be an unforgettable Valentine’s Day, date, Jenny!
    You could be a kick-ass companion to some lucky guy’s Doctor…

  202. You should move to the UK. Valentines day here is still a holiday for couples. Grown up ones. There is none of this shit of first graders bringing home 26 valentines cards.

  203. Lying down is always a good idea. Bed rest is the secret solution to most of the world’s problems. Including holidays that you don’t get off work but still have to buy cards for. Like Valentine’s Day (Feb 14) or my birthday. (June 20).

  204. “You spin me right round baby right round” attached to a hamster ball with a mean, rabid hamster in it. But make sure they’re really old so they die in like a month. Just long enough for the kids to get attached.

  205. I like the cat hair suggestion. I mean, come on, it’s not like you have a shortage of that. But I think the card should read “You’re the purr-fect Valentine.”

    Now if I only I could come up with one for dog hair. That’s what I have a lot of. “No bones about it. You’re the pawfect Valentine.”???

    OMG, then you could attach Milkbones and it’s a Valentines AND a snack. I’m almost 0.999% certain there’s no reason a kid couldn’t eat a Milkbone…

  206. For the revenge valentines, “You’re sharp!” taped to a Sharpie. Especially for the pre-K class. Can you imagine what 15 4-year olds can do with all those sharpies?

    (and I’m only bringing this up because I’ve received the comment 129 letter a bazillion times this year.)

  207. Dang, I mean the comment 130 letter. I have not yet received a letter reminding me that bassoons are, in fact, woodwinds (although I expect to receive one any day now).

  208. I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks! I love it… I know how you feel, my husband is one of those people who is so good at everything he ever tries to do that it gets aggravating and occasionally even makes me mad. I usually don’t vent my frustrations though as well as you did.

    This was my first visit here. I rarely can truthfully say this, but it definitely won’t be the last!

  209. Dear Jenny,

    Can I call my blog ‘Not Nearly As Funny As Jenny, But With The Occasional Laugh?’ No? Well, it was worth a shot. Anyway, my favorite was: “You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls

    Not sure why I liked this one so much except “hoot” cracks me. I was also thinking that there’s a very good chance you can combine Valentine’s Day with Easter on that raw egg one. Just boil those suckers, throw a little of that dye in there with them *poof* TWO holidays down, mutha-luvas.

  210. i soooo want to do some of these! and i love that i’m not the only one that can take a seemingly harmless situation (kids exchanging valentines) and figure out how it will somehow lead to the zombie apocalypse 😉

  211. Could always do up simple cards that say “My mom says I’m too young to date and too young to know yet which way I swing, so either way I am not allowed to give Valentines. Happy Thursday”

  212. I have not laughed this much in a long time! I am making my sons valentines day cards as we ..type.. and yes Im aware that its 3 weeks out. You are so funny! Thank you for making my day 🙂

  213. Okay, I hate to admit it but the rock thing? Totally doing it this year! My kid is nuts for rocks and this will at least get rid of 20 of them out of his collection. roflmao

  214. Will you move the next post link to the top of your page? I don’t get to read your blog every day so sometimes I have to play catch up. I have to scroll ALL the way through all the comments on my phone.

    (If I was smart enough to know how to do that I totally would. But the good news is that the comments are usually funnier than the posts so I’m probably doing you a favor by making you read them. ~Jenny)

  215. As a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator, I resemble your comment! (Nothing like a little Rodney to make everyone groan… ) I think I should make hand stamped valentines and THEN staple them to dead stuff. To cover all the bases…

  216. Instead of the beta tape, what about super glued to a beta fish…that is what those poor little disposable fishes are called right? The ones that people isolate in weird pots on their desks, because if they actually put two of them together they violently kill the other one…yeah, that sounds Valentine’s Day appropriate to me. 🙂

  217. Good luck finding a five lb. bag of sugar. They’re all 4lbs, and a gallon of bleach is no longer a gallon. Damn tricksy grocery stores.

  218. When my father was in high school in the early 60s, he was apparently a real smart-ass (in a good way.) One year in February he decided to make a big stink about how just because he and his classmates were in high school, it didn’t mean they shouldn’t get the chance to exchange valentines. There’s a whole long story about this, but basically he staged a protest outside the school district administration building and called the newspaper and stuff, and eventually he got them to have “Joe’s Valentines Box” where all the kids were able to address valentines to each other and then drop them in this pink decorated box, from which they would be handed out. He also made it tie in to some kind of charity event, I think a fund that provided milk to poor children, by having people put a donation in the box along with their cards. Anyway, I guess that’s kind of an overachiever thing to do, but I think he mostly did it (initially) just to be a trouble-maker!

    Also, add me to the list of people who read it as “baboon.”

  219. my friend’s daughters class won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. They will be having a Friendship Festival. So, what the hell is wrong with Valentine’s Day? Is it politically, racially or religiously incorrect?

    Too far, people. You’re going too far.

  220. Yep, read it as “baboon” too …wow…automatic mental image of a baboon butt included…But most importantly Jenny, yes to everything you said! And fuck those fucking overachievers. In fact, let’s sic the zomb- no… wait… the kittens! Yes, let’s sic the sick, mewling, diarrhea squirting, full 90 kitten head count on them. (And I too, mean that in a good way).

    Also my Val -Day card pitch: “Cleave to my heart” complete with cow heart (or any available heart) with jauntily placed meat cleaver and artistic arterial spray.

    Just finished your book. “Nook” thought I’d like it based on my previous choices, and turns out, “Nook” was right. Hope you are busy working on the next one! I can’t wait!

  221. K, someone may have said this – I’m like comment 432 or something so I didn’t bother to read all above. Sorry. Okay – I love the ideas but if you are going to use a syringe shouldn’t the catch line be ‘I’m stuck in you’? Just sayin. I know they’re kids so maybe that’s the g rated version and parents get to figure out the innuendo like a Pixar cartoon. That’s it isn’t it?

  222. >>> “I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies<<

    Or you could tape it to a fish bowl full of beta fish. 🙂 Now I'm going to go lie down.

  223. Love this post! I feel like we’re on the same wave length here -I’ve even dabbled in greeting cards myself, I call them WTF Greeting cards. How about adding “Urine my heart, Valentine!” written on a mason jar filled with fresh pee?

  224. Oh, Dear Bloggess, I love you! Not just on Valentine’s Day Either, but every day. I am home sick with a migraine today, and this post just made me laugh so hard I nearly threw up. But it was worth every heaving minute of it. Don’t ever change. Even if your husband looks at you weird. Like my husband does every time I start guffawing over one of your posts. You’re the bestest ever. 🙂 <3

  225. Our vet has a sign that reads “Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy”. I have never seen a single unattended child. So, espresso would be hard – but Starbucks makes these really delish Frappacino’s in bottles. Each kid gets one. And you adopt 30 rescue dogs from the local pound. Game over.

  226. I’ve never understood the need to incorporate young children in the Valentine’s day insanity. I mean we’re basically forcing them to tell ALL their classmates that they love them, how is that healthy? And yeah some moms are just assholes and have to be awesome all the time while the rest of us can only manage to be awesome maybe 1 day every 364 days.

  227. I am from Oklahoma, where it is totally normal to have a 12 year old at the age of 33, but live in the East Village of Manhattan, where you are *apparently* required to be retired, with loads of free time on your hands, before you even *think* of giving birth. I efficiently shut down the Valentine’s day Home-maker Massacre, as I so lovingly call it, by pointing out that asking our kids to give valentines that are essentially gifts by saying they encourage earlier sexualisation. Look, assholes, I am doing this on my own while being a medical resident.
    Let it never be said that I didn’t earn the title I have at home of The Fun Killer.
    Mum WIN.

  228. I was laughing so hard my son asked me what I was reading… so I read that last paragraph to my soon-to-be 12 year old son and he was laughing so hard he cried… maybe it was inappropriate to read it to him, but now he is brainstorming ideas he can make… he likes the zombie theme… help me…

  229. I think that you’re missing out on a passion and a teaching opporitunity. It’s family taxidermy night. Send Hailey out in the woods with a shotgun and tell her to come back with some squirrels. Think how popular your daughter would be and how jealous the other mothers will be when you show up with a box of dead squirrels to show that your “Nuts about you, Valentine!”

  230. This is why I don’t attend Christmas cookie exchanges any more. It all became a world-class championship beatdown to see who out-Martha Stewarted the rest of the group with the most elaborate cookies. Why do women do this to each other? Get over it all and lighten the f*ck up. If ever I’m drunk enough to attend a cookie exchange again, I’m throwing a pack of Oreos on the table and they can just deal with that. Now, where’s the refreshment table? Mama needs a little punch.

  231. I don’t recall getting elaborate homemade valentines as a kid. whatever happened to going to the drugstore and getting a box of valentines emblazoned with the popular kids entity of the day on them and being done with it?

  232. Jenny, the only thing I can say is I love you in a very girly crush kind of way.

    Thanks for making me laugh at a HORRIBLE time in my life!

  233. So you’ll tape stuff to dead owls but missed the opportunity to attach the “I’m Great, You’re Beta” do a dead fish?

  234. OMG those women. I hate hate hate those women. What the hell do they do all day? And their birthday parties for the children are even more intimidating than the Valentine’s Day cards. Oh and the Boxes FOR the Valentine’s Day cards. They have tremendously creative birthday ideas (e.g. renting out the movie theater to take the kids to see the movie before it actually opens. HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO THAT?) My kid was lucky for me to remember that he HAD a birthday. Present: You and your three pals are allowed to sleep outside on the trampoline. Dad will sleep outside on this Walmart Daybed (I know, I know, Walmart is EVIL. It is the only thing I have ever bought there and I got it online because it was only 300.00 compared to the 1200.00 at Target). The Walmart Outdoor Daybed is about 5′ 8″ long. Lucky Dad. I hate those women. Their husbands are rich. They don’t have to work – at ANYTHING – as they (at least where I live) have housekeepers and personal trainers. They lunch. Their bodies look fucking fantastic. And they all had their children in their 20’s. I had my kid when I was 37. I HATE those women.

  235. I apologize if anyone said this already. I scrolled through the list but kept getting distracted by things like “Rabbit’s covered in honey.”
    I think you should give out gardening shovels and say, “Be my ho’.” No offense to ho’s worldwide.

  236. Dammit. I want to share this on Facebook. Because it is that damn funny. But I can’t find anything that says “share on Facebook” on here and seriously, this is taking alot of effort. But, just so you know, this is hilarious. And so true.

  237. OMG I can’tn stop laughing. Yes – it is getting absolutely ridiculous. My kids’ valentines for their classrooms were purchased on sale at CVS. And they will be fine.

    UGH.

  238. O.K. I am a total idiot. I first read the “oh. me so horny”card as being taped to a baboon, so imagine my confusion when someone posted that a ‘bassoon’ isn’t a horn but that you COULD tape the valentine card to a french horn. Now I am totally confused. I thought this site was supposed to make me laugh instead of making me feel stupid. I’m going to wash my hair now.

  239. How about “I’ll never TIRE of you!” printed inside some treads rescued from the side of the highway?