And now I can't unsee it. And neither can you.

And this is why I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest:


And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Big Book of Dumb White Husband.  If you’re not him, you know him. He’s challenged the grocery store. He’s confronted the HOA. He’s even taken on Santa. He loses—a lot. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are now available all in one dumb place—the bestselling Big Book of Dumb White Husband by Benjamin Wallace.

130 thoughts on “And now I can't unsee it. And neither can you.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I want to know how Rachel Federman knows that Jennifer Lawson’s statement about “Voldemort’s junk” looking like baby polar bears is true. What is she hiding from everyone? Hmmm?

  2. After reading this I’m going to have nightmares about Voldemort’s bare polar bear penis eating my family.

  3. If that’s a good example of a penis, then what the hell have I been looking at my whole adult life?

    (Smuggled polar bears? ~ Jenny)

  4. Thou impertinent pox-marked nut-hook. Are all of those insults?

    And I am soooooo pissed that someone would go to such ADORABLE lengths to hornswaggle us. And I want to know where to get one of those handmade toy polar bears that will NOT grow up to eat my family. Or maybe I’d rather know where to get one of those penises that will enlarge so greatly that it will devour my family one day. Depends on how my family is treating me. It goes back and forth.

  5. Ah, baby penises, how cute. Um, wait, that sounds horrible out of context. Second try. Ah, baby man eating beasts, how adorable. Yep, there it is, nailed it.

  6. Oh My Gawd… that picture was so cute!! but that conversation was HILARIOUS! Way to ruin it, Rachel! Geez… what a buzz kill.. LOL!
    Fine… little penises it is… much more fitting that they should grow up to eat our families, I suppose…Geez.
    Stupid penises.

    *cracks up*

  7. You know, just when I think I can’t laugh at you anymore, because I am positive you have peaked at funny… HELLO!!!
    You rock

  8. Never thought I would yell, “STOP THAT RACHEL!” considering that’s my name, but that’s all I want to do right now.

  9. Penises with arms and legs?? You need to be tons more famous than you already are because regular people can’t come up with that shit.


  10. Voldemort doesn’t have a nose… I think I always assumed other appendages were missing as well. Otherwise, after being re-animated, wouldn’t he be pretty desperate to get laid before anything else?

    OTOH, those ginormous baby paws are pretty fascinating.

  11. I choose to believe that your picture is a real, baby polar bear. Fuck Rachel! (said in the nicest, winking manner possible!).

  12. i’m trying to decide if i am thankful that i know now that baby polar bears look like penises with arms and legs??? i guess i am so that if i am ever offered one i can politely say – HELL THE FUCK NO!?!

  13. Could that be a Maltese puppy which would also be adorable but would not eat your family or look like Voldemort’s junk?

  14. I’m horrified now that images of what Voldemort’s junk looks like are scrolling through my head…

    You-know-who’s you-know-what should not be a topic of anything.

  15. I pinned a picture that was titled, “A baby giraffe”.
    I showed my friend… “oh, look at this adorable baby giraffe ”
    She said, “That’s not a baby giraffe, Jennifer. They are 6 ft tall when they are born!”
    So I clicked through the link and found out it was a baby dik dik. Kind of like Lord Voldemort’s penis.

  16. “That’s horrendously accurate” I find myself saying that a lot when I read what you write. That and, “OH MY GOD I have never thought of it that way, either her brain is broken or mine is.” I’m pretty sure it’s mine.

  17. Methinks they look more like Fred & Ginger from the movie Splice.

    I just don’t see the penis similarities. Then again, I’ve never met a penis with tiny ears or arms & legs like the baby polar bears have. Perhaps I’m missing out?

  18. “It looks like penises, if penises had arms and legs” I read and then was consumed by the thought “but the fact that the penis has a FACE with a MOUTH with TEETH doesn’t phase you AT ALL????”

  19. Loved the polar bear pin and subsequent comments. The minions are a fun lot o’ peeps. Your life will never, ever be boring.

  20. Two issue:
    1. How do I know that that toy polar bear won’t grow up to eat my toy family? Still a threat.


    2. THANKS for the baby polar bear/”penis with arms” connection. Now every time I see a news story about how polar bears are endangered, I’ll have to go into a protective crouch! And I watch the news a lot! THANKS!!!

  21. Penises can end up eating your family too, you know. All-in-all I think I’d stick with the baby polar bears, thank you very much.

  22. Can’t sleep, Voldemort’s penis’ll get me. Can’t sleep, Voldemort’s penis’ll get me.
    This is worse than the Hogwarts/squid slash fiction.

  23. I’m still imagining a real penis with arms and legs – penis extremities. I’m not sure if I find that intriguing or horrifying.

  24. I showed the “after” picture to my son (age 4). He said: “Those look gross… like something only somebody gross would want to play with.”

  25. Wait…. other peoples penises DON’T have arms and legs?

    Well. This explains a lot about prom.

  26. OMG, you totally buried the lead this week in the kick-ass-stuff-you-pinned section! Followed the pin labeled “Eleven Prints That Belong on Your Wall,” one of which was a pink sign that said “you make the best cereal.” In the corner was a tag for Oh. My. God. GOLDMINE.

    In the last 3 minutes I’ve gotten “8 out of 10 coworkers agree your desk is the cleanest,” “you think of the funniest names for wi-fi connections,” “your cousins refer to you as ‘the cool cousin,” and “I’m not telling you what to do, but you could pull off orange corduroy.” Jenny, are you the secret mastermind behind this site? Fantastic! It’s your new bicycle all over again!

    (You’re totally right. Putting it in the main page now. PS. Your outfit = THUMBS UP. ~ Jenny)

  27. I kind of feel bad for you if the penises in your life look like that. In other news “Voldemort’s junk”- omg hahahahahahaha!!!!

  28. I coulda gone a thousand lifetimes without thinking about what Voldemort’s business looks like. Now my mind’s retina is singed forever.

    Thanks for that. *shudder*

  29. No one wants a penis? What a cruel, cruel, cruel thing to even think, much less say.

  30. Voldemort’s penis looks like a polar bear cub? Aw, that’s just wrong on so many levels. Poor bear cub can’t help he looks like a penis with appendages. Now you just kicked his self esteem into the gutter by saying he looks like an evil, racist warlock’s penis. Way to kick a cub when he’s down.

    You can make up for it though!

    By voting DAILY for Cate G. in the Scotties (Tissue) “trees rock!” video contest. She’s from my home town–which technically isn’t even a town. Although, her school is supposed to win up to $10,000 to improve their outdoor area, for some reason they are not able to accept. So, Scotties allowed her to pick an alternate organization. So, she chose the I Can! Art & Resource Center. (Also, located in my hometown.) It’s a fabulous organization dedicated to providing dance, music, arts, and sports to children of all levels of ability. They are currently trying to raise money to create an outdoor playground that is disability friendly and the money would go a long way toward that goal.

    Thanks for reading & voting! Please feel free to share!

  31. I will never be able to look either Voldermort _or_ polar bears the same way again….with a straight face.

    brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

  32. So one could conclude based on Jenny’s observations and the original pin that it will be a grown up penis with arms and legs that will eat our families? On the other hand I am totally bummed because I can join the rankings of those that totally bought that the original pin was a real polar bear (and wanted one to hold myself)

  33. Maybe J.K. Rowling originally planned to reveal in Book 7 that the reason behind everything–the Death Eaters, the Horcruxes, all of it–was that Voldemort was born with hairless baby polar bears for balls and was taking it out on the world. But then J.K. Rowling’s editor said no, this is a book for children, and J.K. Rowling had to change it.

  34. I think maybe polar bears should pass on the photo shoots until they get adorable.

    And before the start eating your face.

    That would be the best time.

  35. There is no way that’s a handmade toy! The eyes look too real! I demand proof! I want one!

  36. Is it bad that the only thing I could think about while reading all these comments is that I think the plural of penis should be peni (long i)?

  37. Shit. I should have never scrolled down. I could have gone to bed with the warm and fuzzies, but now I’m digusted and need a drink . Why did you have to ruin it! Why Jenny?!

  38. I was fine seeing them. Then you brought up the Penis That Must Not Be Named. Now I’ll never have sex again.

  39. I can’t believe I’ve never once before contemplated what Voldemort’s snake-junk might look like. And now that I have, I can’t UN-contemplate it. Thanks awfully…

  40. On the topic of other mammals that look like genitalia (As in “I’ll take Other mammals that look like genitalia for $1000, Alex.”): Naked mole rats- the penises with teeth!

  41. I need help. My friend has a plan with lots of detail and a note. How do I help when I am the only person she trusts? I want to help, but I am scared to contact her family if I am the only person she is talking to. Help me help her. I am so lost. Should I break that trust and contact her husband? Please help. Lost.

    (She has a suicide note? Contact her family immediately and have them get her help this morning. Also, call the suicide hotline for help on how to help her. Right now she’s not thinking straight and you’re the only one who can help her help herself. You can’t do it alone. Call her family. Call the suicide hotline. Know that you are not alone. Thank you for being such a good friend to her. ~ Jenny)

  42. So, what the heck IS that wee little cutie pie in the person’s hand if not a baby polar bear. Because I want one!

  43. Oh man, I feel so famous right now… I love Jenny’s pins!! But seriously, she ruined it

  44. I wish the former was the real baby polar bear. The latter will be the stuff of nightmares mixed in with Doctor Who villains. *shudder*

  45. Now *that* is how to wear a chunky shawl collar cardigan! Hurrah for Menswear Dog!
    All others who try; thou art an unmuzzled onion-eyed clotpole.

    BTW, that can’t be Voldermort’s junk; it has two eyes…

  46. I am officially jealous. I mean, why is it you can make statements like that and your hubby doesn’t accuse you of actually wnating to SEE Lord Voldermort’s junk? *sigh*

  47. Peeing in my pants over the polar bear convo btween you & rachel….hi-lar-eeee-us. Then these comments……i cant take it!

    Read your book, (bought it for my Nook, then my BFF gave it to me for xmas….she & I never discussed you before so it was crazy psychic of her) Loved every minute of it, cried when it was over……..write me more or just come over & tell me stories. I am good with either!

  48. I suppose, deep down, I assumed Lord Voldemort’s junk had rotted away like his nose. Thanks for this image, which I can never, ever, remove from my mind.

  49. I have a vocabulary question. Is something made out of animal parts to look like an animal still taxidermy if it imitates something that doesnt’ exist? What WOULD you call it?

  50. My husband and I laughed so hard at the penises with arms and legs comment. That is all.

  51. They didn’t look like penises to me. So I kept staring at them and turning my head and squinting to try to MAKE them look like penises. I’m at work, trying to make polar bears look like penises. It’s pretty much the American dream.

  52. You just made me feel loads better… I thought I was the only pervert who’s been wondering what Voldemort’s junk looks like. Thank you!

  53. i don’t buy the ‘real’ baby polar bear photos either. i was under the impression that polar bears have black skin. those appear to be puppies that were debuted unfortunately early. for shame, buzz killers! let us have our cute delusions. reality is penislike enough, already!

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