Today I’m on book tour today in New Jersey. Come see me? Please?
And while I’m gone I’m doing a bit of a best-of-rerun-a-thon because I’m too freaked out to write while I’m away. But they’re from a long time ago so it might seem new to you, especially if you’ve done a lot of drugs.
This is the longest and most confusing post ever. I started writing it months ago and then got distracted. If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it. You’ve been warned.
It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…
Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):
me: Hey. I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.
Victor: Who is this?
me: No, seriously. I just emailed you a picture. The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away. That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.
Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?
me: And also because I suck at returning things. I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.
me: This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match. There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”. Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy. He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER? THEY ARE DELICIOUS.” And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”
me: Oh my God, they’re totally us. Guess which one is me?
Victor: The cobra.
me: EXACTLY. I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.
Victor (opening the picture): Oh, holy shit. Honey, seriously? You paid money for this? It’s not even a honey-badger. It’s a mongoose with mange. It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.
me: Which is even better. It’s a death-match with a moral. How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story? Almost never.
Victor: And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?
me: I hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was an impulse buy. It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter. You don’t go in for it, but you buy it. And then the whole family appreciates it later. This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.
Victor: I need you to stop talking now.
Two weeks later:
Victor: What the fuck? What’s wrong?
me: I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.
Victor: Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?
me: Oh holy shit, my heart is racing. I totally forgot I bought it.
Victor: Of course you did.
me: Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?
Victor: Nope. No one knows what that’s like.
me: Ugh. I hate that feeling. I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it. They should have put a warning on the outside.
Victor: Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered. Dumb-ass”?
me: No, because then the post office would confiscate it. There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies. If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either. That’s basic logic.
Victor: “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.
Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep. Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.
And with the snake.
It’s totally working.
PS. Look. I made new cards for my shop:
And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever. Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch. Then this card is not applicable.