And that's why I'm not allowed to be here unsupervised

Today I’m on book tour today in New Jersey.  Come see me?  Please?

And while I’m gone I’m doing a bit of a best-of-rerun-a-thon because I’m too freaked out to write while I’m away.  But they’re from a long time ago so it might seem new to you, especially if you’ve done a lot of drugs.

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This is the longest and most confusing post ever.  I started writing it months ago and then got distracted.  If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it.  You’ve been warned.

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It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…

me:  HOLY SHITSNACKS.  SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR ME:

Follow-up tweet:

************

Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):

me:  Hey.  I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.

Victor: Who is this?

me:  No, seriously.  I just emailed you a picture.  The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away.  That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.

Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?

me:  And also because I suck at returning things.  I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.

Victor: *sigh*

me:  This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match.  There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”.  Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy.  He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER?  THEY ARE DELICIOUS.”  And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”

Victor:  Wtf?

me:  Oh my God, they’re totally us.  Guess which one is me?

Victor:  The cobra.

me:  EXACTLY.  I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.

Victor (opening the picture):  Oh, holy shit.  Honey, seriously?  You paid money for this?  It’s not even a honey-badger.  It’s a mongoose with mange.  It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.

me:  Which is even better.  It’s a death-match with a moral.  How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story?  Almost never.

Victor:  And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?

me:  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  It was an impulse buy.  It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter.  You don’t go in for it, but you buy it.  And then the whole family appreciates it later.  This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.

Victor: I need you to stop talking now.

***********

 Two weeks later:

me:  EEEEAAAAAAHH!

Victor:  What the fuck?  What’s wrong?

me:  I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.

Victor:  Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?

me:  Oh holy shit, my heart is racing.  I totally forgot I bought it.

Victor:  Of course you did.

me:  Wow.  You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait.  This is probably the cobra I ordered”?

Victor:  Nope.  No one knows what that’s like.

me:  Ugh.  I hate that feeling.  I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it.  They should have put a warning on the outside.

Victor:  Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered.  Dumb-ass”?

me:  No, because then the post office would confiscate it.  There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies.  If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either.  That’s basic logic.

Victor:  “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.

The most unadorable nom nom picture ever.

***********

Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep.  Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.

And with the snake.

And in the end I decided to just put them both outside in the garage so they could scare away other cobras and mongeese.

It’s totally working.

PS. Look.  I made new cards for my shop:

This one is for romance.

And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever.  Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch.  Then this card is not applicable.

 

116 thoughts on “And that's why I'm not allowed to be here unsupervised

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hahaha…… I spend too much on weird jewelry supplies..oddly enough, my husband is the sort of guy to appreciate a cobra mongoose death match. Have fun today love..and thanks for being so kind to me.

  2. I love reminiscing with your blog. This is so awesome, yet so scary. Is it still in the garage?

    Also, please to be remembering that you ARE good at it.

  3. That has to be the funniest thing I have read in such a long time…nothing like a cobra-mongoose death match.

  4. Morning laughter with tears is the breakfast of champions. Many thanks and bon voyage!

  5. I am so upset. Because I used to live in New Jersey, but now I live in Texas. But I couldn’t make it to see you here in Texas, and now I can’t make it to see you in New Jersey (because I don’t live there anymore) and now I feel like Fate is just really screwing with me. Plus, I need one more thing in my garage, and a cobra-mongoose death match would be perfect. But since you decided to buy and not rent, I will never know the pleasure of having my own. One more reason I hate Dave Ramsey.

  6. I have more yarn than any human being can possibly hope to use in a lifetime. Seeing as how my surgery from this summer only made my wrist worse, I certainly will never use it all or much of it. I’ve asked my husband to read your blog so I don’t sound as crazy when I talk about my characters like they’re real people. Hopefully he will so this post will help with my yarn obsession. 😀

  7. I love that you combined all of these…great stroll down memory lane for the non-drug-addled mind.

    PS – Are you still mongoose and cobra free? It’s paid for itself already!

  8. There’s something so moving in seeing taxidermied animals before 8am. Now I’m motivated to search for a taxidermied capybara because that would really freak people out who come to my house and maybe they’d rethink about coming back again.

  9. You know there is a bar now in Houston called Mongoose vs Cobra. Those motherfuckers have totally been snooping in your garage! We should sue someone. Good luck today in Jersey.

  10. My hubby says “of course you did” so frequently (cause I spend money on stupid shit so frequently), that we made up an acronym for it so he can just text it to me when I send him a pic or info on my recent stupid purchase : OCYD. Maybe you can tell Victor, he’d probably get some use out of it. 🙂
    Disclaimer: we didn’t really make it up so much as just use the first letter of each of the words…you know, like most acronyms. I loved the packing peanut picture!!

  11. The Tiger was reading this over my shoulder, and ended her perusal with, “See? You could have had a worse wife.” I readily agreed (although while Jenny would not have been a good wife for ME, she is undoubtedly a GREAT wife for Victor*).

    *Victor, don’t hate. Just imagine how you’d get on with The Tiger.

  12. Your mail is so exciting I don’t even get mail any more because we have had a post office strike for months in South Africa.

  13. Just to inform, but you totally CAN send baby peeps (the kind that are fuzzy and waddle) through the mail. That’s how I get them every April. Nothing like answering the phone on April 15th at 6 am when the caller ID says “U. S. Government” and the lady on the phone says, “Your baby chicks are here, peeping away, or maybe they are ducklingss, we’ll let you in the back door, come pick them up”.

  14. Buying was probably the right move. I imagine it prevents the sellers from running an illegal taxidermy-trading ring. Nobody wants one of those.

  15. Reprise! It’s good to be reminded of this because if I ever do end up married, assuming I live somewhere it’s legal and have found someone to marry, I would be able to use this for almost everything.

    “You mean you invited those people I dislike to dinner?”
    “Yes, but I didn’t buy a cobra/mongoose deathmatch.”

    “You mean you invited someone to move in with us?”
    “Sure, but I didn’t buy a cobra/mongoose deathmatch.”

    It’s like you’re preventing future conflicts in my future life! Thank you!

    The uses are literally endless. Have fun at your reading!

  16. Perfect start to my day! Laughing myself silly. OMFG you are the best.

  17. Oh, beautiful, talented lady . . . you make me laugh until I CRY (in the best, best possible way)!

  18. The important thing, is ah, I forget, what the important thing is. Look you have a cobra mongoose battle scene, everything else should just fall into place.

  19. The thing I love most about this is that I bet it’s not even the weirdest thing you’ve received in a package.

  20. Holy Frick! I don’t know about anyone else, but the threat of those would keep ME out of your garage! Does it help stop random neighbors from wandering in and asking to borrow tools?

  21. So I’m reading along, laughing hysterically, being looked at by family members like I’m insane, when I’m suddenly reminded of a very strange purse. I couldn’t figure out why. Something, SOMETHING, about the names involved + dead animals being hilarious makes me think of a weird purse. So, I typed purse into your search bar. BINGO. The strange purse was yours: http://thebloggess.com/2012/09/victor-doesnt-understand-family-dynamics/

    Still funny.

  22. There’s so much awesomeness in this post, I don’t even mind that it’s a repeat.

    Hope you’re not hiding in the bathroom at your boook signing! Everyone will know to look for you there 🙂

  23. There is absolutely no way I would remove those things from the box, no matter how much I wanted them when I first ordered them. That is terrifying and horrific. But I can’t look away. I guess if your cat isn’t worried by them, we shouldn’t be either. Have a fun book signing!

  24. If it’s of any comfort, I know of at least three people who will be attending your book event on the 21st in Kansas. WE ARE PUMPED.

  25. I hope Jersey is treating you well. I miss you when you don’t write, but I love getting to know the old you as well. Plus I drink at night, so I may have read this before. But I am sober now, so it feels new.

  26. This totally made my day! I am thinking about receiving those Amazon boxes with the smiley face on them with something like that inside. It would be way more interesting than text books! Thank you Jenny!

  27. I would really love a tour of your entire collection and their origin stories. This was fantastic.

  28. I have of course read this before, but I still nearly choked on my own saliva -in public, mind you- because I was laughing so hard. So thanks for the near death experience, Jenny.

  29. what about when you wanna buy towels ….knock knock….Death match muthaf****!!!!

  30. Oh…god. Still makes me laugh too hard to read it out loud to the husband. I think he’s afraid your blog gives me ideas.

  31. Lawd Jesus, it’s a cobra.

    This post cracked me the fuck up. Thank you. It’s really rainy and dreary and icky here, and now I can say I’ve seen a taxidermied Cobra/Mongoose death match.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  32. I love you, Jenny!

    I remember laughing so hard it hurt the first time you posted this. But I forgot all about it–like when you order a cobra and then forget, so you get really surprised and freaked out when it shows up in the mail. So now I got to laugh so hard it hurts all over again.

    And I did not use drugs. I just have a naturally weak memory. What were we talking about?

  33. The very first photo makes it seem HUGE. i really thought it was like 4 feet tall, but the perspective was off. I was like OMG you cannot be serious. the kitty-sized scale seems reasonable.

  34. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. Ever. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. My cheeks are cramping. This is actually funnier than when you got Victor the motherfucking sloth for your anniversary, and that’s saying something!

  35. I just laughed my a** off! Riki-Tiki-Tavi death match with a moral- I think I might need to find that for my classroom! Thanks for making my day so much better!

  36. I may have stalked your archives for a while there, so I’ve read this one before, but it still makes me so damn happy. And hey, isn’t $300 a good investment in return for happy readers?

  37. So after you do all the sucky states, you are coming home to Texas and doing a book signing in Austin on which day????????????????????????

    Im all about the cobra

  38. I remember this post. It was awesome then and still retains all that awesome now. Have fun in New Jersey! I would love to see Hunter S. Tomcat in a tableau with the cobra-mongoose death match…just sayin’…

  39. This is the funniest thing I have read since your book….I am laughing SO hard! Thank you!!

  40. how much do i LOVE that dave ramsey helped you rationalize the purchase (as opposed to renting) a TAXIDERMIED honey badger killing python. VERY, VERY MUCH. dave ramsey should be fulfilled.

  41. I seriously love you, lol. Good luck on your book tour. Was hoping to be able to come down to Chicago to see you, but it’s not in the broke, underemployed cards. Madison, WI (or Milwaukee, I can stay with the parents for free. :-)) next time? It’s awesome. I’ll make matching outfits for Juanita and Copernicus as a thank you.

  42. I keep reading it…over and over again. And it seriously gets funnier every time. I totally wish your book tour was coming closer to Detroit!!

  43. I TOTALLY had one growing up that was way cooler!

    The mongoose was standing up on his hind legs, looking up and the cobras were wrapped around him and both looking down on him from above..

    Their heads and hoods formed to make the top of a heart (of death)

    Traded it to my uncle for a full white shark jaw.. no idea what I was thinking.. Wonder if they still have it

  44. Oh thank you for writing this, even if I am only reading it longer after it was originally posted. It was the only truly good part of my day…….

  45. I had not seen that post since I am a new reader so I totally appreciate the “new to me” option!! Yeah! That is fantastic. Do you still have the cobra/mongoose fight scene? Is it still in the garage frightening off evil?

  46. So looking forward to seeing you in NYC tomorrow! I flipped out when I saw on your tour that your were coming about 12 blocks from my apartment!

  47. this is the conversation that happens between me and my husband, but about kickstarter. . .

    Husband: are you on Kickstarter again?
    me: yes, I bought you a present
    Husband: has that ever worked out?
    me: persistence pays off
    Husband: you’ll need a kickstarter to pay the mortgage if you keep this up

    buy away I say!

  48. I would rather receive a box of Death-Match Nature, than half the shit I get sent from my mother from flea markets.

    In fact, for my birthday, I would very much like something terrifyingly-adorable. Like a snake and a mongoose in an eternal hug. My birthday is in December; you have time to shop around.

  49. That looked a lot bigger in the first picture than it actually is. I was thinking Beyonce size. I was wondering where the heck you’d put that (diorama featuring Beyonce as ringmaster/bookie over mongoose/cobra ultimate badass fight). And then Ferris stood next to the whole thing. THAT put it into perspective. I think it makes it a lot more cuddly.

    I frequently point out to my husband that I really shouldn’t be left to do anything unsupervised by an adult. You’ve just proven my point. Wait until he’s gone to Vegas for the weekend….

  50. HOLY CRAP WE HAD THAT WHEN I WAS A KID!!! My mom made my dad get rid of it sometime around late 80s … I still haven’t forgiven her bc hello, it’s AWESOME.

  51. My husband and I will be seeing you in 16 days!! (It’s the Kansas signing, but it will be in Missouri.) Hopefully all of our snow will be melted, I wouldn’t want you to freeze. We’re both excited! It will be my first time meeting an author- and having a book autographed! I’ll probably be too nervous and shy, but he’ll hold my hand in line 🙂

  52. Totally unrelated to mongooses (mongeese?) OR cobras, OR honey badgers, or honestly, dead animals at all, but since I know you love Doctor Who, you should check out BBC’s Sherlock. Two of the same, main writers as DW, and utterly amazing.

  53. I can’t believe Victor let you buy that thing and he didn’t kill you afterward.

  54. I can see this being disappointing. I mean, at first you see it and you’re all BAD ASS, but then you slowly realize that the fight scene you totally expect to play out will never actually play out. It’s like your DVD skips just before the epic boss battle.

    Also, I don’t think snakes taxidermy well. They’re just too creepy already, and then seeing their death grin frozen for all eternity…blerg! Gives me the heebie jeebies.

  55. So I clicked on the link to see the romance card, because, I’m all about romance, and it doesn’t exsist! Here’s what it said: your search for “romance is in the air romance and mange” does not exsist. WTF Zazzle, not even ONE romance & mange card? Unbelievable.

  56. I’m starting to have an unsettling feeling that you might live inside my brain! If so, could you PLEASE get rid of the cobra and mongoose death match thingy. It scares me. Deeply. Truly.

  57. Until now, I didn’t know what a mongoose looked like. (I ALWAYS forget and think it’s a bird. Doesn’t “mongoose” SOUND like a bird?) So, thank you, Jenny!

  58. That cobra looks and acts exactly like my mother-in-law!

    If it smells like Winston cigarettes and wears elastic-waisted jeans, I will be really freaked out. If it tells me “it must be nice to take a vacation” and then proceeds to tell me how rough she has it living in a house for free, I might actually do the mongoose a favor and strangle it.

  59. OMFG, I am ECSTATIC that I read a review of your book in some magazine, it was life changing. Then, this time I remember the magazine, in Real Simple, I read about your blog, although I did in the other magazine as well, but anyway, I actually LOOKED at it just now and am cracking the frak up all over again. I “like”d you on FB and shared your page with all and sundry, said they MUST read your book and check out your page and blog. So, do I get extra points like they give you in contests if you share on Facebook or tweet on Twitter or leave a comment on this blog or something? ‘Cause I think I have some kicked some serious tailfeathers here to get my “friends” butts in gear on over your way. I’m just sayin’…

  60. You are so funny! Have you heard about the new AMC show called Immortized?
    Every time I see a commercial for it I think of you.
    It looks awesome in a gross taxidermy kind of way. I think you would like it but your husband pro only would not want you to get any more ideas 🙂 Happy watching!
    http://www.amctv.com/shows/immortalized

  61. I came I came!! Thank you so much for a lovely evening and what my friend called a “tame adventure”. We both took a (half) day off from being lawyers and drive all the way down from Albany to the signing in Paramus. You are truly inspiring and I can’t thank you enough.

    Jenny for Pope!!

  62. I freaking love Victor and you. Seriously Jenny. How do you get honey badgers, cobras and Kipling in the same blog?

  63. We’re sorry to have missed you in Paramus last night! We even got a hardcover edition so yo wouldn’t have to sign my wife’s Nook.

    Also, the Chupacabra Deathmatch is the post which introduced me to your writing, and I’m ever so glad for that. “Would you like a nutter-butter? They are delicious” is something I say often now. Sometimes with reason; most times, just because.

  64. I bought your book last night. Because I was reading it I neglected to give my kids a bath and didn’t do some other chores I’ve been putting off but really need to get done. And for that I say THANK YOU! Because really, I can’t put it down now and I love you even more.

  65. GREAT!! Now I’m sitting at work crying from laughing so hard. Never change. NEVER.

  66. I started laughing at, “Who is this,” and was a hiccuping mess by the time I realized the Cobra’s name is Jeff. Thank you, I was feeling a bit too low today and now I am all better.

  67. This is the first blog entry of yours I ever read. I’ve been a fan ever since! I’ve often thought about buying the greeting cards to give to my husband for when I make , er, questionable purchases!

  68. So happy for the rerun Jenny – this was one of the best ever! Close second to finding Beyonce 🙂 Love you!
    PS I have tiny taxidermied (?) conjoined twin kangaroo(s) I’ve been wanting to send you – are you still accepting gifts or are you full up with crazy stuff from from crazy fans?
    PSS thanx again for the book, and for Depression LIES 🙂 It does.

  69. I didn’t think about this the first time you posted it, but ACTUALLY…you probably CAN ship live cobras. I have 2 bearded dragons (living, not taxidermied) and someday in the future I plan to get a Tegu (it’s a 4-5ft long lizard similar-ish to a monitor lizard but way cooler) and I discovered at one point a while ago during my research that since you have to get them from a breeder, the way to get them is to order and then they arrive through overnight mail. They’re literally tied in a bag, in some padding, in a box, possibly in another box. I have NO idea how they breathe, but people ship reptiles like that ALL THE TIME, apparently. See, the reason why you can’t ship puppies is because there’s laws that protect dogs and cats from animal cruelty, whereas there’s literally no laws defining what counts as cruelty against reptiles. (or rats, rats aren’t protected either because they need them for science) and I’m not saying that shipping the lizards like that is cruel, I don’t know how ELSE they would ship them, and that IS why they send them as-fast-as-they-possibly-can, and you HAVE to be there when the lizard arrives to rescue it, and I know they take special precautions to protect them from extreme temperatures during shipping, but there you have it, that’s honestly how they ship reptiles you’ve ordered from far-away breeders! Today you learned something about reptile shipping! 8D
    But yeah. I have no idea if it’s good or bad, but since all the breeders boast that they rarely or never have any animals dead on arrival at the customers’ homes, at least the overnight travel isn’t killing them. It seems to work, it’s not like I have any smarter ideas. o____O

  70. I just totally read this to my husband and was all like “You COULD be married to her”. He just shook his head. YOU ARE SAVING MY MARRIAGE!!! My God, is there no end to the miracles in which you will participate?

    On a side note, if you ever come to Ohio, I totally want to have a margarita with you while we remininsce about that time when your blog saved my marriage. We are practically BFF’s!

  71. I know you already know…but jeezus woman, you are hilarious. That is all.

  72. This is the post that brought me into your fold. Epic.

    Can’t wait to see/meet you in Kansas City!

  73. THIS POST (and Beyonce, duh) is why I fucking love you.

    p.s. Please come to Raleigh!

    Mkay, buhbye!!

  74. OH My GOD. That was the funniest fucking thing I have ever read. Except for your book. Which also had me snorting beer out my nose. Good work Jenny, good work.

  75. Came to see you at Left Bank Books in St. Louis….. downtown St. Louis….. I am not a downtown St. Louis kind of girl so start feeling special, Miss Jenny, I don’t go downtown for just anyone…. well maybe that time I thought it would be fun to smoke pot on the levy but that actually didn’t turn out so fun and some guy stole my pot. Left me alone but stole my pot…. hmm. I don’t want to think about that.
    I think maybe your anxiety issue is kind of like a neurosis magnet – sucks up all of us anti depressant popping people and dumps us at your book signings. Last time I started with the happy pills again, my doctor wanted to know how they were working for me so I said “Not so good, actually. I am better but the thing is, I was kind of going for Euphoria.” (insert blank doctor stare) So I said “Sorry, sometimes I forget that depressed people aren’t funny” (insert blank doctor stare with slight head shaking and frowning) I think doctors are the ones who are not funny. Thank you for coming to see us. It was a great night for my daughter and I. We had an awesome time and we didn’t get lost. It was a win-win

  76. WHOALEY CRAP JENNY!!!! The damn nom and feline harassment pics had me laugh so hard my boss nearly came in.

    Have you seen the taxidermy piece with a rattler being ridden by a little cowboy rodent? (Complete with hat)

  77. I’m sure that you hear this all the time, but this past year has been the hardest of my life, for a great number of reasons. And I’ve had to deal with the most wonderful and personally devastating, parts of my life. You’re writing has brought me great joy in that. We read your book in the hospital to our son, twice. If you never write another word, that’s fine, but I appreciate you either way. In my dark days, you had a lot of joy shine through. Thank you.

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