Victor doesn’t understand family dynamics

Conversation between my husband and me:

Victor:  What the hell is this?

me:  It’s a globe.  It’s literally been there for years.

Victor:  No.  I mean the thing in front of the globe.  The thing that looks like it wants to eat my face when I sleep.

me:  Oh.  That’s an antique alligator baby in a tutu.

Victor:  Okay…why?

me:  My sister sent it to me.  It’s like the white swan in that Natalie Portman ballerina movie.  But with less bulimia.

Victor:  And why – and I already regret asking – why doesn’t she have any hands?

me:  My sister has hands.

Victor:  The alligator.  Why doesn’t the alligator have hands?

me:  Oh.  I think they were eaten off in a former life, but OMG…THAT’S THE BEST PART.

Victor:  Not having any hands is the best part?  I’m questioning all of your goals now.

me:  No, the best part is that my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY.  I mean…what are the odds?

Victor:  Um…what?

me:  They found it at a flea market.  See…IT’S A PURSE..

Victor:  It’s a purse…MADE OUT OF A HAND.

me:  And it’s awesome because vintage alligator skin purses are probably crazy expensive but they got it super cheap because I guess the vendor didn’t realize it was real alligator.


me:  You should see the coin purse.

Victor: Stop.

me:  It’s half of a frog.

Victor:  You need help.  You and your whole family.

me:  I think the real problem here is that you just don’t understand family dynamics.

Victor:  No, I think the real problem is that that you have a hand for a purse.

me:  It’s awesome because when I put my hand in the purse it becomes a really fucked up glove.  I just need to find another one to have a matched set.

Victor:  And that’s why you’re never allowed to go shopping alone again.

371 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Hey….at least it’s not a big metal chicken. There is just no pleasing some people.

  2. OMG! This is the baby alligator that was holding up the lamp in To The Manor Born! It’s little hands are still attached to the lamp. I’m sure of it. They just ripped it off that lamp. See 6.26 seconds in.

  3. I think they both fit well into your collection. He just doesn’t get it.

    Jaime recently posted Conversations with Sebastian, Vol. Whatever.

  4. Handy coincidence…

    ilikebeerandbabies recently posted Dearest Mommy Dearest.

  5. You are *the best* at putting together sentences with words that just don’t belong together in sentences.

  6. OMG….you crack me up even on my worst day! :)

  7. I’m a guy and I would totally wear that purse daily. Actually I would probably use it at work during meetings to point things out.

  8. It’s really nice to know that you come by it naturally.

    Allyn recently posted Book Worm: What I’ve been reading lately.

  9. You make my day, Jenny. I never find cool stuff like alligator hand purses when I got flea marketing. I did find a red butted baboon which was totally creepy. Like, get that butt away from me, dude!

    Allison recently posted Character Profiles - Sophie van Buren.

  10. I just LOVE your family!!!

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Free for today only.

  11. Seriously, what are the odds of your family members being in sync like that?

    Maybe after 20-997 more years of marriage, Victor will start to think like you. Or at least start to anticipate how you think…


    L-Diggitty recently posted Road Trip to NOLA, Part 1.

  12. 12
    Elizabeth Bailey

    You seriously have the coolest family ever. By the time your daughter is an adult, she will be so full of coolness no one will be able to handle it.


  13. She’s missing her hands because she chews her fingernails. Chewed her fingernails. A dangerous habit indeed when you’re an alligator. And of course she chewed her fingernails because she was nervous. Because, of course, who wouldn’t be. I chew my fingernails before major world debuts of my tutu-encased awesomeness too.

  14. After reading your blog for the past year or so, I was suddenly hit with a brilliant way to test whether or not I was marrying the right man. On my lunch hour I called John and asked what he would do if I began collecting oddly taxidermied animals and dressing them up in adorable clothing. His response, after a few seconds of making sure he heard me right, was to declare that he would build me shelves for them, but only if he could help me name them.

    Abby recently posted Wake Up!.

  15. Wear the purse hand to bed tonight. Start shaking people’s hands with it. I bet it would help while swimming, too. When walking in dark alleys at night (sounds like something you would do) you can reach your hand into your purse…and not take anything out. Because you already have a set of alligator claws on your hand to screw up someone’s face with.

    neal recently posted Taking a day off from parenting.

  16. “You need help. You and your whole family.” Bahahahaha! Oh Jenny. THANK YOU. Thank you for being you. I made my friend listen to your audio book while we were driving together for five hours and there were a couple of times I was afraid he was going to crash from laughing. Also, I read this in public. Why do I always think it’s not going to be embarrassing to read you in public? It always is.

    Ashleigh recently posted Learning to Live with my Depression.

  17. It’s like the two go hand-in-hand. And now your money will always be at its fingertips.

    Sharon recently posted Russian Twists Are Not What I Thought They Would Be.

  18. That purse could literally save your life! If you were wearing that on your hand (and who wouldn’t, besides Victor and most of Texas) and you encountered a dangerous person , like say I don’t know, a member of PETA, you could take them down with that hand. Someone could say to you, “Need a hand?” and you could say, “No thank you I got one.” And BAM, SLASH, BOOM, end of story, except for the Blogging about how they went down. Victor needs to write your parents a thank you note. Your sister however….totally strange.

  19. Sometimes I wonder how much of these conversations are true. I mean, there has to be embellishments somewhere, but I just can’t determine what’s a real embellishment and what isn’t. I think that’s a compliment.

    Danny Zawacki recently posted The Next Gen NES HTPC with Legos.

  20. That is pure awesome. We got our Alligator hand in NYC back in 2011. They are amazing. We got it on the munchkin’s b-day trip from Obscura and Oddities.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  21. She lost her hands in a tragic holding up the world accident, clearly

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted His Name is Paul and He’s Imaginary. That doesn’t Mean He’s Not Real..

  22. At least it’s not towels.

  23. You’d think that after all these years, Victor would know better than to ask these sorts of questions. Sheesh.

  24. I’m just cracking up over Sharon’s hand-in-hand pun.

    Sadie "Awesome" recently posted My Mom is a Big Damn Hero.

  25. 26

    While the baby alligator technically doesn’t have hooks for hands (a requirement to win at parenting), I still say it is a parenting fail as it has no hands.

  26. That hand purse is pretty creepy. Apparently Victor still doesn’t get you after all these years. Well, at least you can get another book out of it. :)

  27. Are you feeling better?

    Kerry recently posted …I.Just.Can’t..

  28. To weird him out even more, paint the claws, tardis blue with acrylic paint, or tardis blue nail polish. DO IT.

  29. I feel like the alligator in a tutu needs a little ballerina type flowered head wreath just to finish the whole thing off. People just have no taste I mean really! What’s not to love?

    Reneesance recently posted Vintage 1970s Women's Plaid Flannel Jacket Green and Orange sz m/l by Reneesance.

  30. Victor is your PERFECT straight man. That’s why you married him right?

  31. This is seriously the best thing I’ve read in a really, really long time. I am totally freaked out by the fact that there’s such thing as an alligator hand purse, but it fits you perfectly.

    Love the post … jury’s still out on the purse.

    Lisa @ Drugstore Divas recently posted Sneakpeeq: OPI Polishes On Sale [[21 Hours Only!]].

  32. I am reeling. To think I bought a bag yesterday and wondered if it was too off the wall – because it was pale lemon and that’s not really an autumn colour…
    I am in your thrall.

    kate recently posted SPECIAL DELIVERY...?.

  33. LOL Alligators for the win!!!

    Kevin McCrank recently posted Depression Lies (Thank you Bloggess).

  34. cant stop laughing……

  35. Your daughter is going to make some lucky therapist very rich someday.

    moooooog35 recently posted Toil and Trouble, etc., etc..

  36. I think we need to see the coin purse!

  37. Obscura Antiques and Oddities. My bad.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  38. To Sharon (#16): Ha ha *snort* This is the comment all other commenters must best.

    The Bloggess is awesome but so are her readers/commenters. They (YOU) are the reason this site is a time-sink. Takes just a minute to read the post; takes a loooooooong time to read and savor every delicious comment.

    ScarletTerri recently posted A Couple of Half-Baked Thoughts & A Spider Story.

  39. OMG your family is so awesome! Victor truly doesn’t understand at all!

  40. but you hadn’t even gone shopping…

    magpie recently posted Folding the flag is putting it to bed for the night.


  42. It looks to me like that purse is holding twine…

  43. and to think we have a baby alligator purse with the face as the clasp from cleaning out grandma’s house that we have no idea what to do with.. honestly… we’d like to trash it.. but it feels wrong.

  44. How can I be adopted by your family?

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Just Enjoying the Swim. And Bike. And Run..

  45. They are both awesomely creepy, which is perfect. I don’t know why husbands don’t understand the word “awesome” but they don’t.

    Shawn Walter recently posted The one where Shawn's head explodes.

  46. My father-in-law is a long haul trucker and recently told my husband he picked up two alligator heads for our boys. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. We’re saving them for Christmas. The alligator purse could be worse. It could be a hat. Or a bowl, with lacquer on it so your food doesn’t taste like gator. :-/

  47. This just made my day. However I didn’t even notice the lack of hands. There was just too much going on already for me to process I guess. Lol.

  48. There are just not words for your awesomeness! (Even though I’m no longer allowed to read your taxidermy themed blogs when hubby’s around…he’s terrified I’m going to pick up a ne hobby!)

    Chris Dean recently posted Chicken On A Leash.

  49. Special. Thats Special. And so are you. I love it

  50. Would it help Victor – I wonder – if you explained to him that the purse was actually a “clutch”?

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted Tampons are not toys.

  51. What you really need is a sword with an alligator eye in the hilt, because then you’d a friggin’ Alligator Lion-O. And I will be KEV-RA, the Ever Punning! And we will be mortal enemies, true, but it’s worth it because we have a commitment to the bit.

    J. Kevin Tumlinson recently posted i'm way less creepy in digital.

  52. Cute handbag. It’ll go well with the wolf headdress.

  53. I was helping my Granny dig something out of the back of her closet a couple of years ago and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw a head looking at me. I realized it wasn’t moving at all so I pulled it out to see what it was. She had a purse made out of a WHOLE alligator. The nose (snout? mouth?) folded over to close the purse between the back feet. The front feet were on the back side of it. She got this in Miami in the 1940s, and said there were matching shoes she wore with it.

  54. What flea markets are your parents going to? I am apparently going to the wrong ones!

    shan recently posted Recovery.

  55. Poor Victor. He needs his OWN alligator item. He is jealous, I think.

    Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks recently posted The Personal is Political..

  56. Hah, I bet the purse will keep pickpockets away!

    By the way, I can’t eat or drink anything while reading your book because I end up laughing until I snort it out of my nose. The food and drinks, that is. Not the book.

  57. THAT’S why you’re not allowed to go shopping alone? You didn’t even buy that slightly creepy hand! Clearly he’s forgotten about Beyonce.

    Bailey recently posted *Trigger Warning* Favorite Pins Of The Week *Suicide Prevention Addition*.

  58. I would totally use that purse.

    Ashley recently posted None Of Us Are As Young As We Used To Be.

  59. Will your family adopt me… PLEASE!?!?!?

  60. Your not going shopping will not save him. Your sis sent the ballerina, your parents sent the purse/glove, and you have an ARMY of people who would send you the matching hand, should one of us find it. (Sorry Victor, you’re just hosed on this one.) My hubby doesn’t understand Abalone Jesus, or Mary Mother of Pearl, but there’s only two of them and they’re small…

    Wendy Whipple recently posted Collection Curation.

  61. Gives a whole new meaning to the term hand bag…well I guess it is literary a hand bag.

  62. I have the other hand!
    Unfortunately it’s attached to a stick but it makes an awesome back scratcher. Victor just doesn’t get it.

    Molley Mills recently posted Remembering 9/11.

  63. I think my Kid gave you that coin purse at the Seattle book signing….she got it as a gift and felt she was totally unworthy of it, it screamed JENNY LAWSON!

    Grammy recently posted Boo. Also Hiss. And whine…..

  64. You would think, by now, that Victor would just throw his hands up and go with it, instead of questioning every dead, stuffed thing that comes into the house. Maybe if he had tiny baby alligator hands, he could throw those up. Maybe that’s what he’s waiting for. Someone needs to find those baby alligator hands- Victor’s sanity may depend on them!

  65. Curse MattyJ for stealing my observation. Seriously, you’d think your husband had never even heard of a handbag before.

    Enrique recently posted Prompt 10: Her laughter.

  66. What I do not understand is why you are not allowed to go shopping any more, when both the alligatorina and the “let me give you a hand” purse were GIFTS. I would think that the ban would be on receiving gifts, and that’s just not right.

    And at least it wasn’t towels.

  67. What cracks me up is how long have you guys been married? And this stuff still somehow shocks him? Does he not know who you are or what you do by now? Wake up Victor! LOL

  68. My sister has a purse made of bull scrotum. It’s a real conversation starter… or stopper…

  69. This. Just. Can i hug you? I’m from the philippines and it’s 3 in the morning and i was laughing so hard that i woke up my partner. I literally shook the bed. I mean my laughter shook it. Shit i cant stop. Hahahha! Love you jenny! Don’t stop writing. Hugs!!!!

  70. That handbag could totally double as a handy back scratcher!

    Ericamos recently posted Future Zombie.

  71. That alligator doesn’t have any hands because Mila Kunis stole them. Either that or Natalie Portman gnawed them off herself. It’s open to interpretation.

    Jillian recently posted The Plight of the Decorative Towel.

  72. Hey, at least it’s not towels! =)

    erogenousblog recently posted Everyone Has Layers, I Too, Am A Parfait.

  73. I love your house.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted What made my higher power hard to find.

  74. You could totally paint the alligator hand purse’s nails to match your corresponding outfits.

    Mind. Blown.

    ColdBlooded recently posted I’m back..

  75. Victor should have seen this all coming. After all, they say to see what your wife will be like when she’s older you have only to look at her mother. Didn’t the pig snout change purse your mom had tip him off or was he not paying attention that day?

  76. (In case anyone wants to see Abalone Jesus or M, MoP:

    Wendy Whipple recently posted Collection Curation.

  77. I have to admit, that I’m a tad bit creeped out by the purse, mainly because it just looks weird– but the alligator in the tutu? Now THAT shit is awesome.

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted “That shit is fugly.”.

  78. Except YOU didn’t purchase any of that while shopping. Someone else sent them to you. That’s a family that loves you. I don’t think Victor fully appreciates the family bond you all have. Or maybe he’s jealous that his folks don’t send him such unique presents.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Great people making great beer.

  79. You could carry the Gatorina IN the Gurse and it’d be like marsupial fashion. New. Trend.

  80. Holy goodness, this is exactly the kind of laugh that I wanted today!
    You are fantastic!!!!
    I often feel that Victor and my husband may have been seperated at birth,lol.
    Thanks for the smile, again.

  81. Oh, Victor.

    Lillian recently posted Thirty Days.

  82. You really can’t be held responsible for the things other people send you. I mean really. ;)

    Issa recently posted Five things about me….

  83. Ohhh my goodness, this is greatness! :D

  84. OMG. Dying. I am in the middle of your book, and this post makes so much more sense now that I know more about your family. :D

    wonkafonka recently posted Sadly, I get it now..

  85. I was having a crappy day and this post just made me laugh out loud and cheered me up a bit. Thank you. I love reading your blog!

  86. The thing I love about you is that somehow, Victor’s the one who comes off as the one being unreasonable here. Or maybe it’s because I identify too much with your craziness. Whee …~

    KimikoMuffin recently posted 2012/09/11: A Brief Scare.

  87. Just promise me you’ll never, ever, get a squirrel body purse….

    Kara recently posted Collection of cards – Boho Chic.

  88. I’ve got to hand it to you, you are tutu funny! Ugh. Sorry.

    Robin recently posted Pain, or….

  89. I just bought a ball of moss suspended in a globe off of Etsy. This isn’t even half that weird.

    Kate recently posted Mama always said, "Life is like a bunny in a playpen.".

  90. It’s like your entire family has a psychic connection, and I don’t even believe in psychic connections.

    Matthew Miller recently posted The finished beef jerky.

  91. Oh – that purse is all sorts of awesome! But, truly, how is Victor still surprised?? I’m starting to worry that he is repressing alligators….

    Jenn recently posted belated breakfasts.

  92. OMG, I freaking almost spit coffee all over my monitor. You people have crazy conversations….

    Too Freaking FUNNY!!!

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Tomorrow is Monday And I Deserve A Bonus.

  93. I’ve seen alligator shoes (made from, not worn-by), belts, purses, hats…I’ve never seen an alligator glove/purse. That’s just…fucked up in the most fascinating possible way.

    Jess recently posted Hospital Universe.

  94. Thank you. Thank you for making me giggle like a school girl while at the job that sucks my will to live. THANK YOU!!!!!!

    Amanda Leigh recently posted Orange Juice.

  95. you just can’t find this kind of awesome stuff in new jersey… I’m super jealous of your hand purse!

  96. YOU. ARE. WELCOME! I gave you the coin purse and now you have a set!

  97. You are hilarious. Seriously. Your conversations with Victor are my favourite.

  98. (On the floor) I AM ON THE FLOOR!
    OMG You are HILARIOUS! I needed this laugh so bad today and Sister you DELIVERED!
    i ought to send you a check for this! Damn FUNNY!

    …hand for a purse. Priceless!

    Lovebabz recently posted 7 Forces That Keep You From Succeeding.....

  99. I don’t understand what Victor is thinking….I thought that your point about the purse hand & needing to match was perfectly understandable. I think this should worry me a little now…

  100. There must be some kind of Captain Hook / hand reference thing here… I just can’t reach it……

  101. Gotta “hand” it to Sharon, Comment #17, pretty effing clever.

    Julie the Wife recently posted On My Back Again.

  102. I wish I’d had that alligator “hand bag” (*snicker,* I crack myself up) when I got married last year. Mike would have totally appreciated it – because he gets you, Jenny.
    Also, he wants to have a beer with Victor because he thinks they’d have a lot in common. Something about my membership in the Unicorn Success Club really disturbs him.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted First Anniversary, Take Two: UPDATED.

  103. The best part? Your alligator purse/glove still has the CLAWS!

    Sarah recently posted Because Knowing is the First Step to Understanding.

  104. Its ok…my dad would get deliveries of buffalo hides via ups (freaked ups out) and had animal effigies made of wood, bone, and hair crooping up in the flower planer. So…I kinda “get” you.

    opinion8dhermit aka g davies recently posted Remembering nine-evelen.

  105. That purse belongs in a movie. A really weird movie.

    Mary recently posted Kenwood Sauvignon Blanc 2011.

  106. When I was in high school I got a chicken or rooster(it was big) necklace from a Civil War reenactment. I don’t know what that had to do with the Civil War but it was cool. Maybe instead of ears of their victims they collected the feet of chickens from the farms they conquered.

  107. That’s one bad ass bag. I bet no one would mess with the woman (or man) toting it.

    JWo recently posted Today Was Supposed to be Different.

  108. I really wish I still had this in my possession to give you – unfortunately (for you, fortunately for me) I sold it on eBay years ago to someone who clearly had your same discerning taste:

  109. Best alligator *hand bag* EVER!!

  110. Words cannot express how much I love you and your blog posts.
    Thank you for the laugh today!

    January Ford recently posted Clark.

  111. After much hysterical laughter at my desk….thankfully I was alone at the time! I had to share this. Too funny! If you ever need a replacement baby gaitor head…I have one!

    Thanks for sharing. Brightened my day.


  112. The hand bag is pretty darn amazing. Also, I just finished reading your book while I was recuperating from knee surgery. Thanks for the laughs. I needed that! It took my mind of the grueling pain.

    Roberta recently posted The Comfort of Dogs.

  113. Hasn’t Victor learned not to ask stupid questions by now?

    Heretic Husband recently posted Privileged? Who, me?.

  114. Your new purse could possibly save your life. You could claw the eyes out of your attacker. Or it will just scare the living shit out of the attacker because he will know you are bat shit crazy for having a alligator hand for a purse. Its perfect self defense no matter how you look at it!

  115. It’s like Victor has never seen a HAND BAG before.

    (thank you, i’ll be here all week, tip your wait staff, and then return them to their original upright and locked position)

  116. OMG. I got your book in the mail yesterday. I can’t WAIT to read it!!!

    Anne Spence recently posted Who he’s supposed to be.

  117. It could be worse Victor…she could have bought towels.

  118. I honestly cannot think of a purse better suited to carry Xanax.

    Clearly, the proper usage of sofa cushions and the finer points of escargot forks pushed the “family dynamics” lessons right out of Victor’s brains. Victor (via bobcat) was shown what he was getting into before he married you.

    Thank you, once again, for taking a rather “down” day and adding some much-needed wild abandon!

    MsDarkstar recently posted Window Shopping (via the Internet!).

  119. I love all the dead things lol :-)

    Gary recently posted Splitting a chicken is very satisfying.

  120. 123

    Dude. JWO totally hit it on the nose there. Ain’t no one gonna think about thiefing your purse!

    Imperfectmomma recently posted #Suicide Prevention Week.

  121. Is your family adopting? Because they give WAAAAY better presents than mine does.

    Emily Guy Birken recently posted Clearly, I Should Be Drinking More Coffee.

  122. I would never be able to use the purse as a purse because I’d want to stick my hand in it and gesture with it while I talk just to watch people freak out!

  123. I am trying to picture you getting through airport security with that purse.

    judy recently posted Giveaway!!!! Are You Feeling Plum Lucky Today?.

  124. I haven’t visited your blog for a couple of weeks. And so I am just now caught up. After reading the book, I was thinking I was OVER Jenny Lawson. (With A.D.D. I go through phases pretty fast) I thought maybe I got the perfect fill of your personality. But Apparently my Jenny Lawson phase isn’t over. I’m back. And from looking through everything, I just want to say thank you. Girl, you got stayn power. You fo real! Thank you for sharing your life with us. Thanks for making us funny, dark, awkward ladies feel not so alone.

  125. 128

    My husband went alligator hunting in the mid 1980s, and carefully skinned out two alligator paws the size of my hand. He salted them and froze them, hoping to get them tanned and made into little pouches to wear at his belt. They went from our house in Cypress Island, LA, to our new home Columbia, Missouri in their frozen state in 1988. In late 1991, I was at the barfing stage of pregnancy when our freezer went bad, and I could smell the partially thawed alligator paws through their double freezer bags. They had to go. My husband’s dream of an alligator paw belt pouch dashed forever. I don’t know if I can tell him about your alligator paw purse; it might plunge him into a morass of regret.

  126. 129
    Elizabeth M.

    Victor appears to have missed the point that you didn’t purchase any of these things for yourself. Jeez.

    Also, my birthday is Sunday. I’d like an ethically taxidermied baby alligator for my birthday. But not the hand purse. that thing is creepy.

  127. You’re definitely correct, Jenny: He just doesn’t understand family dynamics. End of story! ;-)

  128. If you lived in Florida you could have a real, live, pet alligator for free! Gatorland is offering the tanks AND the live, baby alligators and then when it gets too big you switch them out!

  129. My vegetarian half is hoping that all of the animals died natural deaths. My dark half really wants to see the coin purse.

    Jennifer recently posted Mansfield Park ~ Jane Austen.

  130. At least you didn’t buy any new towels. Bright side, Victor. Come on!

  131. I can’t believe I get to say this – but we have an alligator hand purse too. My great-grandmother passed it to us. I thought it was original. Now we can be purse twins.

  132. Oh wow. Well, it could be an alligator shirt, you know? (How long has Victor lived with you … you’d think he’d expect oddly dressed things to show up once in awhile.)

    Em recently posted Happy Birthday September 11th People!.

  133. I imagine Victor spends a lot of time sighing and shaking his head. Little does he know that you and yours have saved him hours and hours of shopping for the perfect purse.

    Patti B recently posted So much for WIP only....

  134. I think the real story is that your family is so awesome that they know exactly what will make you happy! That. Is. Awesome. :)

    Cathy recently posted Preparedness is next to craziness.

  135. At least it’s not towels. Or a giant metal chicken. :D

    Courtney recently posted Miami Herald article written the day after 9/11.

  136. 139
    When I Blink

    OK, I have never ever been disappointed in one of your posts — and I’m not disappointed now, I promise — but I will say that I thought the alligator’s floofy outfit was a wedding dress and that there was going to be a Dead Alligator WEDDING.

    When I Blink recently posted The Loneliness of Football Season.

  137. Which half of a frog?

  138. And this is exactly why I love both you and Victor. Oh, and your sister and mom & dad too! They obviously were trying to give you something to make you smile. :) They know you so well!

    I’d love to have that purse btw, it’s pretty freaking awesome. :) I tried googling to find you the other half and I found this:

    It’s a picture of your purse! The description says: 1920s alligator hand purse USA North America.

    LeAnnWoo recently posted Fad Diets Are Out!.

  139. Your family gets it- or they wouldn’t send you dead alligator parts.. glass half full.

  140. They say your purse should match your shoes….and your shoes should match your belt. Sounds like a good reason to go shopping. :-)

    Kristen @ The Balanced Bowl recently posted I AM IRON (wo)MAN!.

  141. Thanks for the laughs!!! I really needed it today.

  142. Actually, that *might* be a bulimic alligator ballerina. With teeth and a snout that size, it probably wouldn’t be too hard to slip and accidentally bite off a claw — twice.

  143. I SO needed that today! Thank you to your whole family! :D

  144. I want to see the coin purse!!

  145. It’s a “hand” bag….hello???

  146. Seriously? What other purse could you possibly need while going through security at the airport? “Ma’am you’ll need to place your purse on the xray machine. Dear GOD! what the hell is that?!?!” They won’t even care that you’re carrying shampoo in a larger than travel size bottle, just that you take that voodoo thing and leave their area!
    Also, you get to find not 1 hook for the poor baby’s hand but TWO! That’s a serious bonus.

    Angelique recently posted Tough People Do.

  147. Half…of a frog…somehow the handless alligator and the alligator hand purse didn’t get me, but the half…of a frog…

    I just…can’t…compute…

    Meg recently posted it D&D you're looking for?.

  148. So Instead of saying, ‘hand me my purse’ you can say ‘hand me my hand?’

    Holly Folly recently posted I Just Saved a Frog.

  149. Please put up a picture of the coin purse!!!

  150. Awesome post your conversations malke me laugh and feel sorry for Victor too but then I think, he should know better by now and then glad ‘he never learns’ lucky us

    Tom Stronach recently posted Book Review:The Valley Walker by TW Dittmer.

  151. I’d like to know why the alligator only has half her stage make up on – she’s got the lipstick, but needs the rest of her face done up.

    jesspants recently posted Intriguing. (Taken with Instagram).

  152. That purse is perhaps the coolest and most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted Well I guess Juliet was thirteen too....

  153. 156
    The Original Lisa

    She might not have bulimia, but she has a tragic case of anorexia. It’s like she hasn’t eaten in years.

  154. The REALLY good news is that if anyone tries to steal your purse, you could just shank them with it. Those claws look fierce.

    yetisaurus recently posted Dinosaur Intervention.

  155. I love you. You make me laugh so much. :) xxx

  156. We need to find you a kangaroo nutsack wristlet…..

    Synnove recently posted 3 things I hate about elevators....

  157. Ugh, your family totally gets you! I’m a little bit jealous. My parents are wasps, and not even the cool yellow and black stinging kind but the snotty white person kind.

    Amanda recently posted Another Post About My Vagina. Also Politics. (Mostly Politics).

  158. Andrea, the ballerina alligator was a marvelous dancer, but her clawed hands scared and distracted her audience from the beauty of her dancing. So she had them removed so that the beauty of the ballet could shine through. She sacrificed her ability to pick her nose and tie her shoes for art, mother fuckers! And now she’s known all around the world (seen in the background) as No-handy Andi, The Beautiful Ballerina Alligator.

    The end.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  159. I’m not even married to you, and what I know about your family from this blog and your book has made all of the above make perfect sense.

    Jen recently posted Dobermans in Vogue Italia September 2012 Face the Future by Steven Meisel.

  160. Love the “Hand bag!”

  161. Are you sure it’s not a foot? It could become one of those obnoxious toe socks that never make any sense to me.

    Vicky recently posted I think I felt the baby?.

  162. Many years ago we had a gator cook out. This isn’t creepy or anything, but we kept one of the hands frozen in our freezer!

  163. I am a hopeless blogging idiot if it took me over a year to discover your blog. You speak my language, you are just the kinda gal I like, fun, uninhibited and very very smart. Living with you must be a constant party :). Kisses and bows.

    unikorna recently posted Building a fantasy castle on a pile of rejections.

  164. I read the previous comment as “years ago we had a gator cock out”…..I need to get off the internet.

  165. I finished your book yesterday. The first thing i said as I closed it was you are my missing best friend. And I need a taxidermied alligator. I do truly think i love you. And your family.

  166. Who needs pepper spray with a purse like that?

    Lily from It's A Dome life recently posted Versatile Blogger Award (I Couldn’t Link You Enough, Seriously).

  167. Jenny. I fucking love you.

    I also want an alligator in a tutu. Sadly all I have been able to find here in the ole UK is a duck dressed as Jack the Ripper and the asshole on ebay GOT MY ADDRESS WRONG so Quack the Ripper and I are seperated now forever. And he won’t give me a refund. The asshole.

    However, hand purse. Yes. This. So much this.

    Sam recently posted "Black Dog Days" - My Post For World Suicide Prevention Day.

  168. I think it’s great that your family knows you so well.

    Amanda Jillian recently posted Reasons to why people are lost.

  169. That purse is pure Lovecraft.

  170. The conversations between you and Victor are just priceless!! Talk about Mars vs. Venus on speed… ;)

    Kris recently posted Eleven Years Ago Today.

  171. This is the very best part of my day! It’s so awesome to read about a family that is odder than mine. And you’re right; Victor doesn’t get family dynamics.

  172. The fact that your family has this weird hive-mind mentallity just proves that y’all are more highly evolved than most.

  173. If you get a matching set of alligator hand purses, you can use them as alligator gloves… or weapons.

    Rachel recently posted Threes A Charm.


  175. I now see that you get it honest. Great hand purse. Way to use all of that gator for good.

    Michele recently posted Tuesday Tidings.

  176. I think Victor should appreciate your money saving skills. A purse thats also mittens saves the problem of finding matching gloves AND also where to keep the gloves when you go inside. Now you can be stylish AND practical all at once.


    Tanya recently posted Interruptions.

  177. It’s like he just doesn’t get it… Also, you. are. hilarious.

    Chrissy recently posted We Remember.

  178. 181
    Katherine Smith

    One word, Victor: handbag. Sheesh.

  179. 182
    elaine kurpiel

    Love the baby. Hate the purse.

  180. 183
    elaine kurpiel

    BTW. Alligators are people, too.

  181. You may want to move the alligatorina to a new spot… It appears as though shes been gnawing on your globe. Probably out of bitterness ’cause of the whole not-having-hands thing.

  182. This made my day. And my son’s day, he wants your purse, to use as a glove.

  183. Is it totally wrong that I picture the frog coin purse as the front half?
    And that it opens when you squeeze the jaw from the sides?

    Yes, I thought so.

  184. Most amazing purse/glove I have ever seen! I am green with envy. I love your family. They totally get you. So does Victor, but I think you still scare him a bit. Not a bad thing to have. Keeps him on his toes, right?

    Anne Dodd recently posted Romney, Ryan and Ritchie Rich.

  185. Victor, seriously? Are you INTENTIONALLY trying to mess up the family dynamic?!

    Gigi recently posted Dear God; I could REALLY use a good night's sleep. You know, one without any unexpected mishaps........

  186. I think you might be overlooking one very important thing here: the opportunity to be an icon. Perhaps the hand purse can be worn as a signature glove. Michael Jackson, Madonna, Morgan Freeman (for some reason they all begin with an “M” but whatever, I don’t think that really matters). Give it a try, see if anything changes. This could be huge.

    marrymeknot recently posted A few tips for the Happy Couple.

  187. I love how you thought he was asking about the globe! Classic Bloggess! Every day I give me husband updates about you and at first, he was all “Who is this? Is she a friend of yours?” And now he’s all “She’s sounds like a real character!” and he chuckles!

    Becki Jolly recently posted Book Review: The Playdate by Louise Millar.

  188. Super AWESOME!!! Even better, YOU didn’t buy it, so his shopping statement is irrelevant! Keep being you! Never change!

    Melodie recently posted Full Circles - This is a fun post (for me at least).

  189. I nearly screamed when I saw the picture of the alligator glove/purse/hand/monstrosity.

  190. I hope you have a kangaroo scrotum coin pouch to go in the alligator hand.

    Smalltown Me recently posted Pink Saturday and Saturday PhotoHunt: Stuck.

  191. Hahahahaha that’s awesome I LOVE your family! Oh Victor, wait until he needs you to hold something in your alligator hand purse then his tune will change.

    Dee recently posted September 11, 2001.

  192. Yesterday you asked what gets us through. Sometimes for me it’s this blog.

    Crappy day today. Heavy day today. But, holy shit, did you see this! More creative use of corpses! Gave me a smile when I really needed one. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  193. I laughed out loud. At least I was home alone. I love the conversations between you and Victor the best of all your amazing blog posts. And you have some wickedly clever commenters, too.

    Sue recently posted Life with Bogie is never dull.

  194. Next time I clean out my mothers attic I am totally sending your my great gramdmothers fox stole. Not fox fur, its got a face and feet still attached. Made into a stole. It’s incredibly creepy.

  195. Where do you get this shit? I am not just refering to the alligator and the hand… you are a beautifully demented woman. (How bout those 2 words in a sentence, huh?)

    Mommy In a blender recently posted Top 10 ways to ensure your child's University tuition is spent on therapy instead.

  196. I just keep muttering “it’s half a frog” to myself and then laughing and laughing until there are tears in my eyes.

  197. One fucked up glove, indeed!

    If I wasn’t all self-righteous and not wanting to eat and wear animals, I would SO wear that to Robson Street in downtown Vancouver, just to fuck with people.

    Then again, the junkies from East Hastings might cut a bitch for something that EXPENSIVE.


    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Holy Shit, BC spiders. #iwantmymommy.

  198. I want a Victor of my very own.

  199. WOW. I remember in my “dress-up trunk” at my grandmother’s house there was an alligator hand purse just like that one, except it was dyed purple. I’ve never seen another one. It’s probably been 20 years since I’ve seen it. I wonder if she still has that thing…

  200. 203
    Sam Whiteoak

    Do the claws on that thing look as though they could be modified to carry shopping bags? Ha! I bet Victor never thought of that did he? I know Chris would love it if there were no more “Just hold this bag for a minute” incidents…..

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted The day after World Suicide Prevention Day.

  201. OMG…I REALLY needed this today! Thanks….I am still laughing…

  202. I’ll be honest. That purse terrifies me. Also, I would totally tell people it’s a dinosaur hand.

    Stacey recently posted So Then This Happened.

  203. Oh please come to my house when you are in the DFW area. Seriously. If you get stuck on a layover – I am literally 15 minutes away – and you can come to my house and I will let you hide under furniture – or just sit on the recliner drinking the beverage of your choice.
    My house is usually relatively clean – but I do have a floating conglomerate of various animals that live in my house –
    none of them are stuffed (yet).
    So glad you are feeling better – can’t wait to see your episode of ‘Katie’ – xoxoxoxo

  204. Your purse is waving to me. Make it stop.

    Melissa recently posted Amber Waves of Matrimony.

  205. That’s not creepy, nope, not at all. Silly Victor.

    Mrs. Tuna recently posted Return of the Naughty Schoolgirl.

  206. 209
    Shelley Phelps

    You know I love ya….but I have to say, I just love victor too! My fav post are the conversations between y’all. ;)

  207. Okay, I admit I am already hammered on tequila and beer because I have had the worst f*cking day ever, but this made me laugh so hard that I just snotted myself.

  208. I just googled “alligator hand purse” and your photo already comes up.

    This one does, too.

    You may have an antique on your HANDs.

  209. I’m surprised John Irving has not commented, he would totally understand.

    Cathy D. recently posted Are you ready for some ... baseball? #americaspasttime.

  210. Your posts make me want things I never knew I wanted before…

    jessie marie recently posted Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!.

  211. I never know what to get my parents for Christmas. Thank you for solving it! Mom is getting an alligator hand purse and Dad is getting a half frog coin purse!

  212. 215
    Lady Penelope

    Ha! If I wrote things like ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG’ I would write them here today.

    As I scroll down the page reading (sometimes holding my hand over my mouth and usually holding my breath),
    I think you can’t possibly be serious, but then *BAM* picture included – and I am bested.

  213. Understanding your family dynamics is not difficult. Figuring out how Victor married into your family without understanding its dynamics IS.

    And that is the coolest frickin’ alligator hand purse EVER.

    Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted Gainful Employment *OR* 1 Down 4 to Go.

  214. 217
    Cassandra Faith

    I wish my family would send me cool stuff like that. *sigh*

  215. I like the fact that you tried to deflect Victor at the beginning “Its a globe” …….. you knew he would be jealous of your latest acquisition and tried to let him down lightly? Does this one have a name yet? Desmond Tutu perhaps?

    Susan Hogan recently posted I am soooo late for this!.

  216. that is totallyfuckingawesome. you can just shut down an entire conversation you do not want to have with someone you know or some random person by FLASHING YOUR PURSE. how great is THAT?

    monica recently posted Netflix - I can't quit you..

  217. Hey, I’ve seen purses made from albatross feet. Admittedly, they were in a museum exhibit of artifacts from Pacific Northwest Native Americans, but I was nonetheless impressed by the craftsmanship and their utilitarian nature.

    Ed McKeogh recently posted Ethan Temper.

  218. I’m just impressed by the SIZE of that alligator hand. Assuming your hand is roughly the same size as mine, that claw is freakin’ MONDO. Where do those things COME from??? Is it like, spare parts from after they make shoes??

    Kristen Mae recently posted Never Forget: Where Were You On 9/11?.

  219. Someone sent me your link to Beyonce and it was hiliarious so I came here to read it to my sister and she was dying of laughter, too. Then I read this post and we both agree that you are hilarious! Then I was trying to see what you are all about and realized that book that is at the top of the page is your book, which I have in my Kindle… soon to be read! I hit my head with a Simpson “doh” and thought no wonder I thought you were so funny, I’ve already been intrigued! Looking forward to more posts!

    Ms. B recently posted Over-Share?!.

  220. First of all- WOW! Your family makes my family look like amatuer weirdos- which is awesome!!! And second, Victor- what are you, NEW?? How is this possibly surprising in the slightest? Did you read the part of Jenny’s book about the fresh squirrel puppet? That handbag is not even bloody!

  221. And I was worried that conversations like this only happened in my family :o)

    Melinda recently posted Summer Sandwich Spread and Healthy Almond Butter Banana Fudge.

  222. Needed that laugh tonight. Thankyouverymuch and good night!

  223. I like your family. And the “healthy” alligator ballerina. When are you going to start writing kids’ books?

    Good Enough recently posted The Weight of the Nation: I'm Bringing Healthy Back.

  224. You ALWAYS make my day with your posts and crazy stuff that you find… where DO you find all this cool stuff??? I want the little cute alligator in his tuttu! I only find the usual plastic fantastic made in china stuff that is really boring. :(
    Seriously, the shop needs some fake alligators without hands to sell to us needy people!
    You just saved this day from being a really really pain-in-the-ass depressing day. And I’m still waiting for my “depression is a lying bastard” shirt… :(

  225. Seriously…very funny. I laughed out loud. Two of the ugliest items I’ve ever seen but oddly enough…totally adorable!

    Meg M. recently posted My Memories are Inappropriate.

  226. Jenny, I love your family!! Taxidermied things kinda freak me out, but it’s pretty awesome that you love them and your family knows you well enough to send you a hand for a purse!! That. Rocks. Mine will probably think me weird when I crochet myself a sushi scarf. :-)

  227. You MUST wave your hand in that purse and shout “See ya later!”

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted University of Chicago Magazine notes Mary Shelley Award winner Executive Severance.

  228. That looks like the perfect girlfriend for your French alligator. Not the purse, I mean…the ballerinalligator.

    jaimiedubuque recently posted Someone call a doctor…This scale is broken.

  229. This makes me so incredibly happy. Who doesn’t need an extra hand?

  230. 233
    Carol Wilson

    Hi Jenny, your awesome and I love that your family “gets you”. I too have that kind of relationship with my two kids. Every situation, even the most serious, turn out to have an inside joke or share some anecdotal similarities that only “we” get. Please let Victor know that he’s not alone, as my husband shares his views of his “off the wall” wife and children, we are ever so lucky for their patience. Aren’t we?

  231. Oh you have an awesome family!

    Lisa @ Blithe Moments recently posted Strawberries.

  232. Men never really understand the importance of having the right hand-bag, do they?

  233. Handbag – love it. Makes it seem a little less weird that my Mom was soaking her toes in her gravy boat today.

  234. I want to see the frog coin purse!

  235. First, you can totally try to use the Alligator Disabilities Act against Victor! I know it is really ‘Americans’ Disabilities Act, however, we are women and we are continually (slightly) changing things to meet our needs. It was last amended in 2008…it’s about time it was changed to include Alligators! I can’t believe he would be hateful about the poor handless baby…so sad.

    Second, didn’t you at one time say that you were on Goodreads? I just this week got an account and was trying to find you. Thanks in advance!

  236. My God…it’s been a long day, ignore my ‘second’. I found you.

  237. 240
    Holly (a.k.a. adoreprince)

    Yet another awesome! Thank you. Are you aware that your demographic is 25-50 year old women (I’m guessing) and 8-13 year old boys (I’m sure of). My guys are going to LOVE it when I show them these pics. And I love anything you write.

  238. 241
    Holly (a.k.a. adoreprince)

    Oh, has anyone else already commented with…

    You should hold it up as say, “Talk to the Hand”.

  239. And suddenly my casserole dish shaped like an ugly mottled baked potato doesn’t seem so bad.

    Whorrified recently posted CHRIS BROWN'S 'INK BEFORE YOU THINK' MOMENT.

  240. I’m so glad you clarified that your sister has hands. Really glad. I kind of love it.

    TriGirl recently posted I Remember.

  241. That purse is the creepiest, most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. I would constantly be reaching out to pet people with it, which I’m guessing would get me arrested/beaten pretty quickly, so it’s probably a good thing you have it instead of me.

  242. Sometimes it is like he doesn’t even KNOW you. Good thing he’s pretty.

  243. I totally have a belt that would match. I think it was at some point the tail of an alligator.

    Christene recently posted 40 Weeks of Pregnancy - Week 24.

  244. Tell Victor it’s a handbag!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Beyond Precocious.

  245. Building alligator bodies one family member at a time.

    Vivian recently posted Gentlemen and the Tramp.

  246. Please tell us that you’ve thought about painting your purse’s nails to match Hunter!

  247. ok, so I dind’t read ALL 239 comments but…why has no one pointed out that this isn’t a hand purse. It’s a hand bag.

  248. Damit, should have read more careful. #237 beat me to it.

  249. 252
    The Reverend Doctor

    Fun Fact: A friend of mine who works in a salvage yard saw a horror-mannequin without hands and saved it for me? BECAUSE WE ARE BASICALLY THE SAME.

  250. kind of reminds me of this conversation between my mom and me the other day.

    mom: so have you started working on any new crafts?
    me: I got a bunch of pallets from behind a store, I want to build a coffin out of them…
    mom: well I hope you have a crowbar, those are really hard to take apart.

    After three kids with dark & twisted taste, absolutely nothing phases her anymore. In fact, while on vacation in Colorado, she bought my brother a “Bigfoot Xing” road sign. Love my family.

    Amanda recently posted I'm not really here right now..

  251. I want to see the coin purse.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Be Generous.

  252. Hasn’t Victor ever heard of a handbag? Come on!

    dahliasmom2012 recently posted What I learned while travelling.

  253. I’m curious about the name of your alligator in a tutu – I’m sure you’ve given it one, but I don’t understand why you haven’t shared it with us.
    You and your family are the best kind of (collective) crazy.

    Claire J recently posted Imperfect.

  254. I knew there was a better explanation for the origin of the term hand bag- and now we have it… You got an honest to God hand bag!!

  255. I just love it when you and your husband have conversations on the www. You guys crack me up.

  256. Y’know… you REALLY need to be thrown back into another time (maybe dinosaur times, maybe Medieval times — not the restaurant, though this would probably work there too) because you would easily be THE MOST FASHIONABLE LADY THERE.


    Amy recently posted Attack of the Panic Attack!.

  257. thank you for making me laugh..this makes my Fossill purse obsession seem very blase’

    Dria recently posted I love Echo Park "Eclectic".

  258. You have made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks. Anxiety and illness have made it hard for me the past month. Thank you! I love the purse! And I love that your parents sent it to you!

  259. Victor lacks vision. It’s really that simple.

    Denise Malloy recently posted Still Holding On – and Holding.

  260. Victor makes such a great straight man to your sincerely comedic self. But then, he’s not kidding and neither are you which is why it’s all so hilarious. Please take that gator hand handbag to your local grocery store and let us know how the cashier reacted.

  261. In your defense, It could have been an alligator genitalia purse, and you could have asked Victor to wear it. So he should just shut the fuck up. :)
    Your are awesome! And so is your fucked up’d family!

    Mamie recently posted In The Studio: Steampunk Art Doll Faerie.

  262. I could deal with the White Swan baby alligator but you lost me with the purse. Why does such a thing exist?!

  263. “It’s a globe” …”My sister has hands” …that is some funny shit! I am in awe of your talent of deflection from the subject matter. Definitely a talent and powerful tool!

  264. Wow. A purse that doubles as a back scratcher. I’m so jealous. I seriously NEED your brain when you are finished with it. I’m claiming dibs.

  265. There is so much awesomeness in this post I can barely stand it! I don’t even have words for all the awesomeness. Well done!

  266. You have an awesome family! Love the purse.

    Rachel recently posted Quick Pasta Salad Tip.

  267. Damn it, you have the BEST stuff!! I need an alligator hand purse!

  268. I want to live in your house just to hear conversations like these. I crack up reading them – I can only imagine the amount of amusement you and Victor would provide in real-time!

    Erin T. recently posted Mindless Baby Rumblings....

  269. So are you in need of a right hand or a left?

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted I hope a cat person can explain this….

  270. “No, the best part is that my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY. I mean…what are the odds?”

    That REALLY IS the best part!!! Hahaha.

    Nic recently posted Purposeless Dating: A Big Waste of Time.

  271. I can only imagine how terrified Victor gets as Christmas approaches. What in the name of God will I end up unwrapping this year? What Addams family yard sale item will be bestowed upon us? I love the pickpocket-proof hand bag. Nothing says “Don’t fuck with me” more than wearing a dead alligator’s body part in public. I’m waiting for the alligator tail hoodie to arrive in the mail. As Hunter S. Thompson said, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Congratulations on your professionalism.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Take My Wife. . .Please!.

  272. LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you for your wonderful family dynamics!

  273. CLEARLY the man has no sense of style. Or irony. Or humour. Well, okay, I think we’ve already established that he has a sense of humour. But definitely no sense of style or irony.

  274. I showed this to my parents on the same night my dad got me a fresh coyote skull. My parents are always picking up bones, teeth and skulls for me. It makes me feel a little better knowing we’re not the only family that collects dead things…

    Marina recently posted Feature Hunting.

  275. I’d like to see the coin purse!

  276. i forwarded this to my boyfriend and the onlything he could say was that there is clearly a special place in heaven for victor…

  277. Victor needs to learn about handbags. Have him read “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Seriously! It’s LITERATURE!

    Cassondra recently posted Chick-fil-A, don't'cha just love it?.

  278. Freaky…I like it!

    Jenn recently posted My Wife Is Cool Like That…Just Sayin’.

  279. I love the purse, you really can’t put a price on that kind of fasion statement Jenny.

  280. okay, Victor is cray cray, ’cause that hand purse is so freaking awesome!!! and now, if you decide to become a serial killer, you already have your creepy trademark, it’s a win win no matter what:D

  281. Oh, my goodness, I laughed so hard! A handless alligator and an alligator hand bag. *snort*

    K recently posted Finding the Time: Getting the Groove Back.

  282. HAHAHA omg I’m dying right now. Seriously, you are incredible. I am absolutely disgusted and freaked out in so many ways by your alligator purse, but it is ridicidulously funny.

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Knee deep in….

  283. Can I please go to your next family reunion? What if I promise to bring something dead?

    Dana the Biped recently posted Remember Me? That Blogger Who Isn't Dead? (Yet.).

  284. Even if I had never read this website, nor your book, this says so very, very, very much about your upbringing . . . “my sister sent me an alligator with no hands, and then the very next day…my parents sent me an alligator hand WITH NO BODY. “

  285. Ahhhh… I agree that your best posts (all of them being completely awesome of course) are the ones of conversations with Victor. I agree with Doreen #31 and Amy #263 that he is your perfect straight man!

  286. Victor: And that’s why you’re never allowed to go shopping alone again.

    He says this a lot, doesn’t he?

    Claire recently posted A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem.

  287. I think I’m with Victor on this.

  288. I put on the purse glove in my mind.

    Kathleen recently posted Co-Exist.

  289. Jenny, your book just came in the mail (it took the postman quite a while to clean out his mailbag).

    Have officially laughed myself silly, several times, notably over grandma and the peanut butter sugar cube shakes.


  290. I LOVE it when you post your conversations with Victor. It makes me feel so much more normal. Thanks for bringing a smile to my day!

  291. You should give tours of your house. Seriously. People would pay to see this shit in person. You could even charge extra for posing while wearing the claw purse, or while pretending to snog Jefferson Starship or whatever that dead warthog’s named. Henderson Jones. Fuck, that’s not it. It’s goddamn Wednesday, that is why I can’t think of this. JAMES MOTHERFUCKING GARFIELD. Right. Him.

    Absolute gold mine.

    Adrasteia recently posted Plants are taking over our bathroom..

  292. Lordy!! I swear you could make me laugh no matter what is going on in my life!! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your stories. You are the BEST!! I hope you find a matching glove, errr I mean, purse to have a complete set!

  293. Is it wrong to say that I was rooting for Victor on this one? Girl, that hand! It’s gonna choke you in your sleep or something. Ack, and you haven’t posted in a day. MAYBE IT ALREADY DID.

    in bed with married women recently posted Pool Noodle Homemade Sex Toy, a London Lover, Google Fuckery, and Assdazzling.

  294. I have a feeling that Victor has a much better sense of humor than you give him credit for. Plus, he’s got the greatest parents-in-law ever! They gave you a hand purse!

    Kat Peacock recently posted Artist Trading Cards.

  295. It’s not like he found it in under his pillow or lurking in the refrigerator, what’s the problem? I think even a mismatched hand purse (hoof?) for the other hand would be good, too.

  296. HA! Omg. All I can picture now is the squirrel in the book.

    pauline (@girlbodypride) recently posted Lessons, Reflections, and Self-Acceptance.

  297. And this is why you’re awesome! Even though you obviously have a high respect quotient for Victor, you can Completely Ignore him when he FLIPS OUT LIKE A NINJA over your hobbies. That’s love right there. Knowing when to take someone seriously, and when to just point and laugh.

  298. It’s nice that your parents sent you a true handbag. :)

  299. The post cracked me up!

    I have to say that the dead animals as decorations and handbags etc just aren’t my bag, so to speak; however; the posts about them leave me in tears.

    I’ve gotta say though, I give Victor mad props on these sorts of occasions. You’ve got an excellent man there who deserves frequent sexing up ;)

    Flabbergasted Mom recently posted Defeated by the dread machines - attempt #2.

  300. I do not carry a purse. I used to be one of those people that carried everything in my purse, but then my only good purse was stolen and I learned to manage without one, and it was like the After on some hoarding show, where instead of no longer being surrounded by newspapers, I no longer carried around an overnight bag/survival kit/lending library/craft center crammed into a cubic foot of leather and nylon.

    But if I had a taxidermied alligator hand purse, I would carry that shit everywhere. And inside it, I would carry only a taxidermied frog coin purse and two pennies, so that when the San Francisco hippies tried to disrespect my alligator hand I could show them that I already had two cents, thank you very much.

  301. It’s a CLUTCH . . . .

  302. I’m assuming Victor drinks…

  303. Oh how I adore you Jenny. You always make me smile. God bless you!

    keaven neely recently posted Buried Alive.

  304. Since ‘gators and crocs are the rage:

  305. 309
    Phil Rudolph

    I’ll keep an eye out for a match.(but not literally)

  306. Your “Conversations With Victor” always make me laugh so much. Sometimes I go back and re-read old ones because I NEVER fail to cheer up and even laugh out loud.

  307. I think I love you.

    The Cheeky Kea recently posted We have snow!.

  308. This time I’m pretty much with Victor. The tutu alligator is okay, but the hand purse is gross. I mean really-really gross. You need to put up a warning before the picture shows up. Uh, what am I saying? This is The Bloggess, there is just about *anything* that can show up as one scrolls down. Never mind.

  309. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but you totally need a kangaroo scrotum change purse. Looks like a marble bag, but it would just be cruel irony to fill a taxidermied kangaroo scrotum with any type of balls.

  310. It’s a HAND BAG! ;)

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted I'm Writing This Post From Ikea!.

  311. I wonder…considering the gator-hand-purse has claws, could you use it as a carry-on item on a plane, or would you have to check it due to it being a potentially dangerous weapon in the hands (on the body?) of an actual alligator?

    Virginia recently posted Remembering 9/11 on the bridge.

  312. Hahahahaha! I read this last night and LOL so hard and had such a crappy day today that I came back for my dose of Jenny and Victor. I got one at home just like him. Y’all are the best :)

  313. do they make man-bags like that?? b/c that would be pretty fricking cool… challenging dudes at the bar would come back in… a simple slap with your purse and then it’s game on buddy… I think my Iphone would fit perfectly in the middle finger too… dream come true!

    @crazyfasteddy recently posted Ready to Roll the Dice on AAPL?.

  314. I just finished reading your book. I pre-ordered it from Amazon as soon as I read the reviews but then only got around to reading it last week. I could not put it down. I am not going to start visiting your blog very regularly. Your one of my favorite comedians now (that’s not saying a lot since I only have 3, but it is still impressive – the take away is that hilarious).

    I know this comment has nothing to do with this story but I kinda felt like writing it here after seeing another crocodile!

    Your newest AC, (I know its supposed to be fan, but to show you how much I enjoyed your book I decided to go with AC).


  315. addendum to previous post:

    oops, that is supposed to be an alligator, but you get the point. Also there should be a you are* at the end of the first paragraph.

    I know I should learn to proof read, but that’s just boring.

  316. The best part is that coin purse is HALF a frog, not a WHOLE frog. Let’s not get out of control here people.

    Also, must see picture of half frog coin purse. /nod

  317. Could you please show us the coin purse? I need a new one, and I think a half-frog coin purse might be perfect.

  318. I am utterly repulsed by this.

    Thanks…. no, really.

  319. I don’t think it’s a purse – it looks more like a clutch, to me.

  320. At least it’s not fucking TOWELS! What does he want from you?

  321. OMG….I almost spit my coffee out reading this. Ah, ha, ha….That tutu? Sooo funny. Now bring on the coin purse!!!!!!

  322. I have a frog purse. But it’s way more than just a frog hand. It’s like half the frog. Well, at least the front half. I think it was a legless frog. He must have donated his legs for money, and then had himself taxidermied into a purse after he died. I wonder if he had a little froggy wheelchair when he was alive…

  323. It baffles me that the handless alligator can actually be a little cute, yet that purse is so scary.

    thoughtsappear recently posted Queen of the Sutherland Kingdom.

  324. …and this is ALSO why I always maintain NOTHING INTERESTING ever comes out of shopping at Home Depot or Target!

    Diane Donovan recently posted I Fought the Moths and the Moths Won.

  325. seriously… can your family adopt me… i’m short awesome! i already am in love with your family!

    Tashina Cross recently posted bitter… yeah, you bet i am. dad? what the fuck does that mean..

  326. LIsa, my thought exactly. My mother has one where the head is made into a clip, so it can clip onto the tail. There are 3 pelts. It would go fab with the alligator hand purse.

  327. Just like a man – they have a hard time following the way a woman thinks. Give that gal a high-5 with your hand!

  328. Husband thinks my collection of mannequins and assorted body parts is borderline insane. I should definitely introduce him to your blog so he can see how far from the edge I really am. :)

    Barbara recently posted I pee, therefore, I am.

  329. HAHA omg… think of the tricks you could play with that… i may or may not be compiling a list right now.

    and by that, i definitely mean already done.

    Michelle recently posted How I Became a Professional Cockblock.

  330. ewww…but, some how, kind of awesome

    Heidi recently posted "What do you mean, they take naps for you??".

  331. Holy crap. I actually used to have a baby alligator hand. It wasn’t a purse though. It was a keychain. My parents went to Louisiana for a business trip (always got awesome presents) but I didn’t remember it until your post. Good memories. Thank ya.

    Sisifo recently posted Left to Burn.

  332. You are awesome. A little crazy,but awesome none the less.

  333. oh my gosh!! I haven’t been reading blogs for a couple years… and yours was one I would read… and it is still so funny!!! Fabulous purse!

    AJ Collins recently posted Dear Email Forwarder and Facebook politico.

  334. Another vote for a picture of the frog coin purse! Puh-leeze?!?!?

  335. Does that antique aligator have a name? Because I’d like to buy a vowel, Vanna (in) White.

  336. Haha!! The purse hand needs to become your new accessory that you never leave home without!!! ;)

  337. OMG I can’t stop laughing. the hand purse is just fucking AWESOMESAUCE!

    Michele C. recently posted Stop the Rush #trulyimportant #lovelife.

  338. Your blog was recommended to me by a friend as an example of great work – I HAVE to agree and say that I want to be YOU when I grow up. Thanks for the laugh and the inspiration!

  339. I love your humor, and I think you’re awesome…but I’d REALLY like to subscribe to Victor’s newsletter.

  340. Just saw you on Katie and had, simply had to, check out your Blog. I love the purse story and yes, he does not undertstand family dynamics! Simple as that. Plus, I love the purse!!

  341. Victor should have a matching back pack or something, and then he would understand family dynamics.

    Mexmom recently posted Good mom / bad mom.

  342. You are seriously twisted and you make me laugh out loud, LOUD!

  343. Hey, we used to have a similar alligator baby. My son took it in for show and tell at his french kindergarten and the instructions were to bring it in a paper bag. I didn’t realise but the teacher would hold up the bag and the students asked questions about it in french and tried to guess. It all might have been okay if the poor woman hadn’t thought to put her hand inside the bag partway through….

    Sara recently posted Strindberg and Helium.

  344. I think a member of your family must write for Bubble Guppies. Recent episode featured the Gorillagator.

  345. That is the coolest advertisement ever! The previews for that movie didn’t grab me all that much but now that I see how they marketed it out to you – holy freakin cow that is amazing. I wish coupons came in a dirt enshrouded wooden coffin. Maybe I’d get into couponing.

    Kim @ The Family Practice recently posted Football and Marriage.

  346. I seriously want to send something like this to my sister RIGHT NOW. Because we really only relate through joking and weird stuff. That is an awesome gift week!

    Jen @ Jen's Favorite Cookies recently posted Chocolate Yogurt Granola Bars.


  348. Let me get this straight. Her sister sends her a baby alligator, her parents sent her a purse, and she is forbidden to shop. Hmmm.

  349. Victor’s just jealous because his family don’t send him awesome stuff like that.

    Eleanor recently posted The Art of Bullshitting.

  350. Victor really should have some respect. I mean, that alligator is older than he is, making it an elder, meaning it gets the last seat on the bus.
    Also, because of the sharp teeth, I would liken Greta Gator up there more to the black swan. Tu-Tu terrific.

    PS – the alligator hand makes me think of Freddy Kruegar, if Freddy was a nail biter.

    Brooke recently posted My Experience With ACNEASE: A Review & Photos.

  351. i actually inherited a purse from my great-great (old maiden) aunt that was made of alligator skin and had the alligator hands over the claps on the front flap. i called it the “paw purse”. it had a matching coin purse as well, though it was somehwat less exciting just being made of alligator skin. ahhhh, memories!

  352. After a really long day and being so tired I dropped in to read your lovely post and laughed. As always thanks for sharing.

    amber recently posted The Garden Classroom by Cathy James Review.

  353. 358
    Over the Hill Mom

    I was up all night sick- I feel like crap today, but yet I just laughed for an extended period of time over the purse. I soooo want one of those. That is the funniest thing ever. And I didn’t even realize that the alligator was missing hands until you mentioned it. That just shows how out of it I am. Just watched the little clip you put up from Katie’s show. Love it!

  354. My friend Jason gave me this totally awesome, somewhat homicidal looking monkey lamp he had in his spare bedroom that was freaking everyone out (I don’t understand why, but I’m not looking a gift homicidal monkey in the mouth). He now lives on the nightstand in my bedroom. My mom came to stay last weekend while I was in Florida… she said he had to stay in the closet while she was there.

    Rachel recently posted It takes more than that to get into my undies.

  355. 361
    Deborah Eldredge

    Looove you and your book you autographd for me and I loved you on the new Katie Couric show, I had to tell everyone at work, and thanks to my TIVO for recording it!!! And you are hilarious, you make each day ten times better just reading something you wrote, thanks for being you!!! : )

  356. The question I leave this posting with is, what does one WEAR with a croc hand purse that makes the whole outfit ‘work’? Would we say its just so versatile that it goes with everything? Headed to target with my croc hand purse…

    Cristy recently posted doTERRA Convention 2012.

  357. Just rolling on the floor dying while I read this. Great stuff!

    Renia Carsillo recently posted Staying true to the title: Renia Grows.


    I really hope you see this, because YOU NEED IT!

  359. When I was a kid, I had a Batman alligator, and a cowboy alligator my dad bought me at a little roadside gator place in Georgia. If I still had them I would send them to hang out with your ballerina!

  360. That is not a purse, it is obviously a handbag.

  361. OMG! LOVE the purse! My husband and his siblings were super-close friends with another family growing up. One year somebody found an armadillo purse…for close to 20 years somebody always gets the armadillo purse for Christmas.
    We definitely need an alligator handbag to add to the Christmas festivities!!!

  362. And I thought my family dynamics were screwed up. I guess there’s always somebody worse off than you :))

  363. Next time I come across one, I’ll get you a frog purse, not just half. It’s an entire frog’s skin made into a small bag, and you open it via its mouth. When I first saw one, I thought it was fake, only when I touched it did learn it was made from a real frog.

  364. Better even than the furry deer’s leg-including-hoof thermometer my dad had hanging on the wall of the waiting room of HIS SURGICAL PRACTICE.

    Betsy Andrews Etchart recently posted Fifty Million Shades of Okay.

  365. Funniest damn thing I’ve read online in ages.

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