Animals want to murder you. Also, I might need to up my medications.

Today I’m in Chicago on book tour.  Come see me?  Pretty please?

I’m busy with travel so instead of new posts I’m totally phoning it in with reruns from years ago.  But you’ve probably forgotten this one so it’s like it’s brand new.  Sort of.

************

Most people know about my horrible giant squid phobia so my inbox is always littered with terrible squid news that makes me want to poison the sea even more than I already do, but today I got an email from my friend Desiree who thought I should know about this new jellyfish and I was all, “Whatever, dude. Its arms are like soggy pixie sticks.  Why would I be afraid of this?” and she was like “Well, maybe because THEY’RE FUCKING IMMORTAL.”   And then I looked a little closer and got totally freaked out because I’m pretty sure these things are goddamn vampires.  Hang on.  Here’s the picture:

Looks totally innocent and harmless. Much like Edward Cullen.

And here’s the same picture after I’ve made it a little more clear.  Because some of you don’t have enough imagination.  Or vodka.  And I’m here to help.

Yeah. *Exactly.*

And there are two problems here.  One is that vampires are supposed to be sexy, and these?  Not so much.  Secondly?  Werewolf eels.  I’m not sure they exist but if vampire jellyfish are real then pretty much all bets are off, y’all.  This is why I recommend that we dump enough gelatin into the oceans to make it into an enormous jello and then we can piece it out and pick out all the vampires the same way that you pick all the pears out of your jello salad.  Then we stab all the jellyfish in their hearts with a stake.  Or put them in a big aquarium and let them fight it out and charge people to bet on the vampire-gladiator death matches.  And then we spend all that money on healthcare.  I think I just solved the healthcare crisis and wiped out vampires.  Plus?  Free jello.  You’re welcome, America.

PS.  In vaguely related news I just found my new sleeping bag:

It’s in the shape of a bear so if I get attacked by bears at night I won’t get eaten because the bear will be all “Oh!  Pardon me. I didn’t know you were in here” and then I’ll make the bear’s head say “No problem.  I was just devouring this girl.  By the way, how did you get in here?” and the bear will be like “Oh, some asshole left the front door unlocked” and then I’ll be all “Victor, you asshole!  You didn’t lock the front door again!” and then the jig is up.  This is why I’m going to put a reminder post-it note inside the bear sleeping bag that says: “DON’T YELL AT VICTOR IN FRONT OF BEARS” but probably we’re all fucked because I have pretty much no impulse control when I’m mad about people not locking doors.  It takes two seconds and IT FUCKING SAVES LIVES.  Only you can prevent us being murdered by bear when we sleep, Victor. And then I pointed out that it was pretty selfless of me to sleep in a bear sleeping bag to save the rest of the family and Victor pointed out that I’m really only saving me and that we’d never even seen a bear in real life and that I’d probably poke an eye out just sleeping in it and then I’d have to explain to the doctor that my eye got eaten by my sleeping bag.  Then I started to disagree but then I remembered that last week I got stabbed by chicken so technically he has a point.

 

"Nom nom nom nom. This girl is delicious. But I wish she'd taken her shoes off first. God knows what she's tracking in. So inconsiderate." (This is what bears are thinking when they eat you.)

PPS.  Victor just said that he’s “not the only person who lives here and maybe I could get off my ass and lock the damn door myself” but excuse me, I’M WEARING A BEAR.  I don’t have opposable thumbs in this bear sack, jackhole.  Honestly, it’s like he wants the bears in here.

96 thoughts on “Animals want to murder you. Also, I might need to up my medications.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I am now considering the possibility of approaching my kid’s school and proposing a new school mascot. (currently a bee). Really? How awesome would that be…”Welcome to (insert name) Elementary School, home of the Immortal Jellyfish” Yes. I think they may go for this. Think of the uniforms!

  2. I’m not usually into recycling, but in your case, Jenny, I’m willing to make an exception!
    Have fun on tour. You should take a mini-TARDIS and post pics from every stop.
    Enjoy your much-deserved continued success, my friend. I’ll always be here to support your work from the cheap seats reserved for failed writers/bellman/bloggers….

  3. I’ll see your Bear sleeping bag and will raise you a vintage Donny & Marie sleeping bag. Don’t believe me? Check out my linked blog post. 🙂

    *Warning, please do not have liquids in your mouth when you look.*

  4. What you need to do is go to sleep with everyone in bear sleeping bags and if Victor isn’t game (well you’re all technically “game” in the sleeping bags) when he’s asleep you should cover him in some kind of red silicone liquid and glue on a couple of those open wounds they sell around Halloween, then the bears will think he’s dead and assume you guys have already taken down this house. Sure it would take you less time to lock the doors, but you have principles!

  5. @whati,

    For truly arctic weather, you could always put your tauntaun sleeping bag INSIDE the bear sleeping bag, and then you’d be like a guy that cut open a tauntaun to stay warm AND THEN GOT EATEN BY A BEAR. Which thought it was eating a tauntaun. Which is pretty kickass, if I do say so.

  6. The jellyfish image and thoughts of it are burning my brain and I don’t like it. But the bear sleeping bag part was a perfect chaser. I always tell my kids “when you have a bad or scary thought, just replace it with a funny thought because you can only think one thought at a time”…so thankfully when my mind wanders into jellyfish vampire thinking all I have to do is think instead about getting eaten by a bear, and now I’m good.

  7. I want to buy that bear sleeping bag so bad. Then I would put it up on the wall just like people do with real bear skins, except instead of looking like I killed a real bear, it would look like I shot a giant stuffed animal. Then whenever anyone asked about it, I would tell them I shot it at the mall.

    It’s a fool proof plan really. Also, why people don’t really come to visit me much.

  8. Dude, I’m driving to the dang suburbs to see you! You won’t be alone, I promise!

  9. I’m a door locker. In fact there are many times that I’ve closed and locked it with my husband behind me bringing in the other groceries. Ooops. Sorry honey!!

  10. and noooow it’s victor’s fault when you totally get eaten by a bear trying to get you out of the claws of another bear. sooooooo inconsiderate.

  11. That bear sleeping bag is WAY better than the Tauntaun sleeping bag you can get at thinkgeek. I was impressed, but you just upped the ante.

  12. #327 reason for not going into the ocean. Bathwater is the only “safe” water. I’m ordering that sleeping bag just for “fun with the kids” day.

  13. Aah… the joys of the sea. So many things unseen and unknown. Humans floating on the top like fish flakes in a bowl. I usually imagine myself as that one unusually large orange flake that seems to always be in the bag. I don’t know if that’s a comment on SIZE or overzealous sun tanning- either way- I’m the FLAKE. Uughhhh!

  14. Speaking of your book, you really threw me off with “There’s No Place Like Home,” which is the chapter I just finished. I’m laying in the tanning bed (yep) with tears running down my face but also with kind of a smile from laughing from the previous chapter. My face is confused. But I’m crying because I totally relate. I’m from a small town and live in another small town now both in Missouri. I went to a Catholic elementary school until 6th grade. We moved four hours south and the next time we went to visit they took out the playground where I spent most of my days. Ok, now I’m just rapping Will Smith in my head from that statement. Anyway, I can relate. I can also relate to ridiculous conversations with my husband like you do on your blog. Before I read your book I spent an hour and a half reading your blog to get to know you. Stalking complete. I love the blog and the book. You’re awesome. The end.

  15. I live in the armpit of the world and you will probably never come here and I will never get to meet you and thank you for every fucked up part of you. That sleeping bag is fantastic. I need 5. My Husband would crap himself. Which would be mean because he always remembers to lock the damn doors. BECAUSE HE LOVES US VICTOR!

  16. I keep telling you, you are in NAPERVILLE not Chicago! see you tonight! Unlike the others I actually live here and don’t have to drive far to see you – Yay!

  17. Yuck. The ocean gives me the creeps like you wouldn’t believe mainly because of jellyfish. And sharks. And anything that swims, stings, or bites. And pee. You know those critters are peeing in the ocean like it’s their own personal toilet.

  18. Holy shquid! I thought I was like the only person I knew of with that phobia. Octopus, squid, cuttlefish…shudder. The nightmares. Horrible, horrible night-time panic attacks and outright assaults against my sleeping companion. Thank you once more, Jenny, for reminding me that I’m not alone in my crazy thoughts, fears and dreams.

  19. I’m headed to my first professional counseling conference in Cincinnati in a couple weeks. But I’m getting in a day early just so I can meet you! I’m so excited!

  20. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but jellyfish don’t have hearts.

    Time for a new plan.

  21. I would wear that bear suit to prom. If I were going to prom, which I’m not because when I went last year I almost got arrested when the cops were all, “Excuse me, ma’am, do you have a child who attends this school, or something?”

  22. Unfortunately, this sleeping bag only works for people who sleep on their back. Us tummy sleepers will suffocate in there!

  23. There is a shark sleeping bag too – people keep sending it me because I am deathly afraid of sharks. An apex predator with no natural enemies that doesn’t get sick and will totally eat you? What is not to be afraid of? That’s why I live in a landlocked state (Oklahoma).

  24. Hey, bears like fish. Maybe you could put up a sign that says, “Jellyfish forever over here ==>” and point them to the ocean, see? And the bears take care of the vampyre squid. You can tell them I thought of this.

  25. Your posts make my day… Oh I wish I could drive up to Napervile and say hola to you, but unfortunately someone in this household has to cook dinner and leaving it to my 7 year old is not an option I am ok with. (I’m about 2 house south of you on your book tour right now). Hope you have a blast tonight.. Best of luck to ya hun..

  26. Can’t wait to see you in St. Louis tomorrow night!! No bears or vampire jellyfish, I swear!

  27. For those readers who want to learn more about the immortal jellyfish, there’s: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula (which is technical and exhausting) or http://www.boredpanda.com/turritopsis-nutricula-immortal-jellyfish/ (which has purty pictures) or http://dumbwaystodie.com/ (which has nothing to do with jellyfish except that they can kill you which would be a really dumb way to die and also because this song gets caught in my head and people stare at me when I forget that I shouldn’t sing songs like that out loud in elevators).

  28. I came. You conquered.

    No that wasn’t dirty at all. Nope.

    Thank you for coming to my weird town of Naperville tonight! You were awesome & funny & I still want to be friends. And you gave me the best advice tonight. And I told my husband that talking to you for a few minutes helped me remember why I loved to write. And I wish I could have taken you out for a drink to talk and talk but alas there were about 80 people behind me waiting to meet you. One of the few times I’m pissed that I was one of the first in line.

    Anyways, yeah, I’ll shut up now. But I may pester you a bit because you’re one of the reasons I’ve stopped thinking I was alone in this crazy world with my beyond weird thoughts & serious nature(at times, at other times apparently I’m pissing people off).

    So yeah, thank you!!!

  29. So excited to see you tomorrow night in StLouis! Bringing my posse and maybe a metal chicken!

  30. I was at you book signing tonight. My first one ever! Anyways, you said you’d never been sledding. You soooo have to go! You never know which way the sled will go. If you are on a saucer (the BEST) you may go down backwards. If others have been there, the hill usually is full of muddy areas and moguls. You will be wet, muddy, bumped, bruised and have the time of your life! You have to go. Bring your daughter and you can pretend to be brave for her. You’ll have a blast!

  31. Argh I wish that you were actually in Chicago (where I live), and not in Naperville (where I do not live). Of course I tend to be busy putting a little girl or two to bed at 7, so it’s likely that I would have crapped out on attending even if it were in Chicago, unless it was actually in my house (which is a possibility, it’s a big house, you’re welcomed to stage a book signing here anytime). Also, I somehow convinced my fairly straight laced ladies book club to read your book, and am in need of discussion questions. Do you have official ones? Or unofficial ones would work too.

    (Yes! They’re in the back of the paperback. – Jenny)

  32. That bear bag is great and all, but all I can think of is what if a real bear thought you were a really sexy bear and decided it wanted to mate with you? What then?

  33. Did you tell Victor that you can’t get up and lock the door because it would endanger your entire family further? Since you are wearing a bear, FOR THEIR PROTECTION, even if you went to the door to lock it, a bear could spot you locking the door. He would have one of three reactions, none of which would be good.

    The first would be to think your house was a bear-friendly place and he would come try to knock down the door to get in. It would be like that bar in college you went to because you knew you could get in with a drivers license that said you were a 28 Iranian male instead of a 19 year old Canadian. And even if he coudn’t get in right away, he would just come back another time to party in the bear house, BECAUSE THE DOOR IS ALWAYS UNLOCKED.

    Another reaction would be to want to kill you because he’s the only bear in “those-there parts.” That spells disaster for you too (along with some psychological isues for the bear).

    The third reaction would be that he would fall madly in love with you, as I’m sure you are one good looking bear. He would then stalk your house, looking for the attractive bear he fell in love with; the one always holding a wine glass and wearing a queen’s robe. The only way you would survive that scenario would be to get some wild turkeys, call them something other than turkeys, and use them to distract the bear. It would be a dangerous mission and one I wouldn’t recommend. But you wouldn’t do that anyway because the turkeys would remind you of Jenkins. 🙁

    So, there you have it. All the reasons you can’t get up and lock the door. Victor is SOOOOOO selfish sometimes. Doesn’t he know you’re doing all of this for his safety?

  34. ***NEW REALITY SHOW***
    Jellyfish handling in bear sleeping bags!!!
    You could be in the pilot if you were REALLY wanting it to get picked up for a season….
    Just sayin’.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  35. Trying to decide if I want to jump through a shit ton of hoops to drive to Louisville to see you or not….I’m so on the fence. I would LOOOOVVVEEE to see you but dang it’s gonna screw the whole weeks schedule to shit….I love an hour south of Nashville. 🙁

  36. SO happy to know someone else gets nuts about locking doors! HOW hard is it to lock a door?!

  37. “I’M WEARING A BEAR. I don’t have opposable thumbs in this bear sack, jackhole.”
    I’m going to buy a bear sleeping bag JUST so I can say this. It is perfect.

  38. The way you feel about squid…that’s how I feel about morray eels…I KNOW there’s one waiting for me to dive too deeply and then he will latch on and never let me go. So, I just snorkel sometimes, on the surface where it’s safe. Also, in the ocean, everything is BEHIND you! I know. right?

  39. Ahhhh the paperback. Thanks. Husband just bought the hardback for me, for Valentines Day, of course, but I’ll have to check out the questions in the paperback. Thanks so much!

  40. I am all for turning the sea into jello. Not so much because I mind the vampire fishies, but more because I really want to pick out a giant squid and a blue whale so we can watch one of those fights in a huge aquarium. That would be awesome. Also, we could see if the Kraken is down there, and also Cthulhu. But he can’t be stopped by gelatine, so I’m pretty sure we’re screwed. Should maybe consider only pouring in enough jelly to reach not-all-the-way-down-to-the-bottom.

    I hope it wouldn’t turn into salt water taffy.

  41. That story about your dog and being stabbed by the chicken cracked me up. Almost as funny was the comment on the top about the cats who hid a rotisserie chicken in a dirty basket of laundry and it wasn’t found for 2 weeks. I totally needed to laugh today, thank you.

  42. ok, so I didn’t read all the comments, but I’m hoping that I’m not the last one to ask? how about a cub sleeping bag for your daughter?

    PS, really loving the book.. only 64% through right now.

  43. I think it is quite obvious that turning oceans into jello is a disastrous idea, simply because the vampire jellyfish would then start absorbing the jello increasing in size and leading to The End of Everything as We Know It. Wearing a bear may be the only chance to survive. I see a Blockbuster in this…

  44. I’ve actually seen the immortal jellyfish things before! Didn’t know they were immortal at the time, so I guess my guard was down.

    BUT—they’re tiny and kinda cute.

  45. Oh my gosh, thank you on the freakin’ locking doors issue! We have some friends (if they can still be called that at this point) staying with us, and it’s been a huge issue to get them to LOCK A DAMN DOOR. They act like we are fucking paranoid bastards because we want don’t like just anyone being able to walk into the friggin’ house.

  46. You know… I was telling my nieces about the immortal jellyfish a few months ago… and one of them said ‘well, what happens if a fish eats it?’.

    Take that, scientists. Not so immortal after all.

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