Nice try, thesaurus.

I’m in St. Louis today on book tour.  Come see me?  Please?

While I’m gone I’m taking the lazy way out and running reruns.  Because if it’s good enough for TV, it’s good enough for me.

 ************

I use an online thesaurus all the time because there’s only so many ways to say “nipples”, but sometimes I suspect that the thesaurus people are just fucking with me:

And yes, I realize that I spelled "hemorrhaging" wrong but I don't think I misspelled it quite so badly that the average person would say "Oh. I bet she meant 'marijuana'". Also, why is "hurricane" there? WTF, Thesaurus?

95 thoughts on “Nice try, thesaurus.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I was trying to text a friend that I thought I had pneumonia, and it autocorrected to “p rump is”!! I like that better but I can’t really figure out how auto-correct did that!

    Yes, I realize it’s not exactly the same topic, but I’m still giggling over it.

  2. Man they must read your blog because it didn’t do that when I went there just now. Yeah that’s what I do when I can’t sleep at 5pm…try to make online reference sites spit out nonsensical connections. I think i need medication, or a life, one of those two.

  3. Welcome to St. Louis! I know the reading will go well. Sadly, I missed out on the SOLD OUT tickets…:( And – why has no one asked why you needed MORE words for ‘hemorrhaging’?

  4. Your hipster thesaurus clearly knows a new word for the old mary jane that you haven’t even heard of yet. It’s so much cooler than you. Stupid hipster thesaurus.

  5. Maybe the thesaurus just wanted to prove it was worthy of you using it by having an intense sense of humor. Stranger things have happened! 😉

  6. If you can’t trust a thesaurus, who can you trust?
    What’s next, dictionaries that talk back? (Under “loser” it says “‘you’… douchebag”.
    Have fun channeling the Spirit of St. Louis, Jenny….

  7. Pfft so similar they both have an m, r and an a. Any thesaurus could make that mistake. I have my own online mystery to solve, why does google always finish my, “How do I” sentence with “make love”???

  8. My phone recently thought I was typing transvestites when I was typing grandbabies. Samsung Galaxy S III should be smarter.

  9. I live in Chattanooga, TN, but as fate (or William Shatner, because I totally believe he has control over…everything) would have it, my husband has a photo shoot in St. Louis. TODAY!! So, I called him and begged (and by begged I mean I told) him to come see you and get me a signed book. I will probably have to resort to promising him sexual favors but you are totally worth it. So, if you see a tall, hairy good looking redneck, he’s mine. Send me some love via him. THANKS!! XOXO
    PS: Say something really inappropriate to him. He is sooooo cute when he blushes 🙂

  10. Not that marijuana ain’t great for any number of medical conditions, but probably not while you are bleeding out.

    Hilarious, as always.

  11. Hey, I’ve got a newspaper clipping from the Plain Dealer on taxidermy that you REALLY want to see. Victor will probably not, however. Where should I send it? Will your publisher forward it to you? How about your agent?

    Mary

  12. If I were Hemorrhaging (Thats what my spell checker says its spelled like.) I’d want some Marijuana… I just smoked a doob, wake and bake and all that.
    I plan on moving from Toronto to Seattle for the legal marijuana! Or Aspen.

  13. If I were on the hemo rag, I know I’d mean marijuana, or need maraijuana, or need some mean marijuana.

  14. Hemoragging should totally be a word. I haven’t decided what it should mean…. but it sounds angry. Since marijuana isn’t angry, I can only assume even if it WERE a word they would not be synonyms. Also, I swear the auto-correct on my iPhone also suggests words that are not even CLOSE to what I’m tying. Technology is full of jerks.

  15. My husband tells me that each time he begins to type my name (Ang…), his computer’s auto-correct changes it to “Nag”. It’s like his computer is trying to sabotage our marriage.

  16. Can’t wait to see you tonight. Really hope we don’t disappoint you either!

  17. If only you were in Seattle or Olympia over the weekend…

    Maybe the thesaurus thought you were a high vampire looking for marijuana and hemoragging munchies? I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong…ah well.

  18. This online thesaurus is almost as drunk as iPhone’s auto-correct. But it will never outdrink AC, that is the Lucille Bluth of effing up my words.

  19. I love the internets. Happy book touring – hope you come back to Minneapolis one of these days! If you can’t find a venue to host you, I’ll host you in my own back yard. We have an inflatable pool and a grill. Hot dogs and sunbathing for everyone!

    …wait until June if you want this VIP treatment.

  20. Bwahahahaha! Obviously, “hemoragging” and marijuana go hand in hand. Maybe they thought you were stoned.

    BTW, it was amazing to meet you last night. Sorry for being a complete spazz. I don’t know what came over me. I’m just really glad I didn’t knock anything over. Maybe next time.

  21. Got it. When you type in the correct spelling of “hemorrhaging,” the page shows “nearby words.”

    Included is “hemp.” The page is just trying to point you in the right direction. Helpful, but completely misguided.

  22. I assume you’ve heard of Urban Dictionary? Maybe you can find other inspiration there. And maybe this is the thesaurus’s way of joining the “just say no” brigade?

  23. I think the thesaurus is just passive-aggressively asking you to buy it marijuana.

    It’s like “Did you mean marijuana?” You, naturally say, “No, thesaurus, I did not.” And the thesaurus then gets to say, “Oh, my mistake. But now that I’m thinking about it, how about we get a dimebag?”

    Well played, thesaurus. Well played.

  24. It’s been many years, but didn’t people used to use hemostats to hold a roach? I clearly vaguely remember someone asking for the hemos.
    Ridiculously excited to meet you tonight in The Lou! Yes, they really started calling St. Louis a toilet. It’s more appropriate in the summer when it’s all humid and the air licks you.

  25. If you were to look at my search history, you’d see more searches for how to spell things than for actual things. Or, I’m looking up words to make sure they mean what I think they do (it’s a crapshoot with me). I should just keep the dictionary and thesaurus pages bookmarked.

  26. I now wish we could find out what would happen someone auto translated haemorrhaging into marijuana. Like in medical reports and such. I think you might have prevented a medical disaster by pointing to this possible flaw in the thesaurus. Not every doctor has perfect spelling, trust me.

  27. If they’re following Google’s lead then they are using your past searches to customize your current results…

    Is there something you’re not telling us? Have you made the lateral leap from slushies to weed?

  28. Oh my gosh. That is too funny. I agree with Lori that Hemp would have made some sense. I am a new reader to your blog. So glad I found you for a good giggle. Thanks!

  29. So disappointed! Chicago is NOT Naperville. So when I see Chicago, and I live in the suburb of Chicago, I immediately think like a midwesterner (not in miles but in time). Thursday night, going to Chicago? 1.5 hours. Then where do I park? Will 55 will backed up? Blah Blah I HAVE TRAFFIC PHOBIA Blah. After the fact, I saw your event was in Naperville. SO NOT CHICAGO. Totally do-able. I so wish I could have/would have attended. I hope you had a great turn out and a great time!

  30. That extra “h” in hemorrhaging is totally unfair. Damn Greeks with their love of the “h.” They ruined ophthalmology too.

  31. Saw you tonight and just want to let you know you can scratch out the “pretend” now.
    You ARE good at it.

  32. I think you would need to be enjoying the marijuana to be able to make the connection there. I hate it when the thesaurus screws with me, how am I supposed to find alternate words if thesaurus can’t even figure it out?

  33. Your thesaurus seems to be craving something. Hmm.

    And I totally meant to post this days ago, after your NJ signing/tour/thing. Cuz I had one of those starstruck ‘duh’ moments when I met you, and I wanted to make sure you weren’t offended or anything. I mean, I said something NICE, but… yeah. ~.~ I told you you had awesome friends. Which is true. You do! What I’d *meant* to say before my brain short circuited was that ‘omg your friends are as awesome as you are!’ and it came out… well.. nice but not the way I’d intended. Then I went home and I thought… ‘what if she thinks I meant she isn’t awesome too? I mean, most awesome people have awesome friends – it’s just the way things work but…’ And I told myself ‘when I get home, I’ll just say ‘hey, this is what I meant!’ on your NJ ‘come see me’ post. But then I fell asleep. And then I was woke up by my mom saying we had to take my dad to the hospital. NOT COOL. And as you can probably guess, I didn’t get a chance to say anything for days. But now dad’s coming home and my brain is still fixated on the ‘must clear things up’ thing… cuz my brain does that. So yeah. Your friends are as freaking awesome as you are, and I was singing ‘it’s a small world’ throughout wicked faire because what are the odds of running into a friend of Jenny’s in New Jersey in the middle of February, vending books and masks and awesome vintage pistols? (okay, I can totally see a friend of yours vending those things, but not in February in the middle of New Jersey) Yeaaah. Okay I’ll go and slink into a corner now that I’ve probably left you going ‘wtf is this and why is she worried about it?’ and all. Sometimes I just can’t do the word speech thing right. 🙂

  34. I think the thesaurus was offering you marijuana, or at least suggesting you find some, as it knew you were in St. Louis and would need something to take the edge off. I can say that because I live in St. Louis, and can confirm the best way to live there is with the assistance of something for medicinal purposes. My drug of choice is vodka, but to each her own.

  35. You know what tho… If I had just smoked some, I would totally be all “She wants a hit of this.” Thesaurus was trying to offer you weed without being super obvious… Just in case you were a narc.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  36. It was great seeing you in St. Louis! We didn’t get to stay for the meet & greet (had to go get the kiddo from the sitter). The reading was hilarious, but it was the Q&A that really got to me. I work 7 days a week right now to make ends meet (husband got laid off, and all the jobs he’s been offered don’t even cover the cost of child care) and taking care of myself has very much been at the bottom of the priority list. As you talked about the red dress project, I was fighting back tears, and my husband looked and me and said “Baby, please find your red dress. You need to. Please do it.” I don’t know what it will be, but that is my goal for this year.

  37. I’m reasonably certain that thesaurus.com has something personal against you. Or maybe it just fucks with Americans – although I’m not sure why it would. My ISP is in Toronto and it recommended the correct spelling for me, so take that however you will. Also, come back to the Toronto area! We miss you already! You can sleep on my couch and I will feed you waffles, and I’m not even crazy. Well, not in a scary way.
    BUT I have waffles! And booze!

  38. This has nothing to do with hemorraging or marijuana, did you know your book is now at Sam’s Club?! I moved some next to 50 Shades-you’re welcome;)

  39. I am SO sad. I was away from the real computer due to a bout of depression and/or perimenopause and/or stupid man in my life syndrome…and I missed that you were in St. Louis. I live there and would have come to see you! LOVE your writing!

  40. I’m so glad I got to see you in St. Louis! Unfortunately I had to go to work so i didn’t get to actually meet you :(. Still awesome none the less!

  41. Jenny, you make me laugh so much, more than just about anyone else. I’m just an old guy from England, but your writing gives me so much pleasure.

  42. Ah, I was supposed to see you in St. Louis on Friday night, but I ended up in another town altogether, sitting in a hospital chair. I hope you enjoyed Left Bank Books and the people who made it to the event!

  43. Not that I’m taking sides with the thesaurus or anything, but sometimes people say things to me that I realize in HINDSIGHT I should have understood, yet in the middle of the conversation, everything is like bees, whooshing sounds or children whispering. Have you ever looked really hard at the word YELLOW and realized after a minute everything is broken? That’s what I’m saying. It can happen to the best of us, even thesauruses.usses.

  44. I *did* come see you and it was THE BEST! You are amazing and I will treasure my signed book and picture forever =)

  45. Thank you for coming to St. Louis! That was amazing! I’m so glad you picked that chapter to read. <3 Also, sorry if I scared you when I asked about what cookies you like! I meant to say that I bake, and I ask everyone that, but then I got brain-frozen because you are awesome.

  46. I don’t know if anyone else asked this, but I’m throwing it out there: what the hell were you writing about, that you thought, “not only do I need to discuss bleeding out, but I absolutely MUST be sure it’s spelled correctly!!”?

    I’m curious….

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