PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

The last leg of my book tour starts just in a few days and I just realized that it’s on April Fool’s Day.  I can only assume that I’m going to show up and the bookstore is going to be like “What? There’s no event here.  This is a marina.  You’ve been booked to scrape barnacles off of boats.”  But the joke’s on them because I love scraping barnacles.  Plus, if you show up I’ll force them to let me do a reading and a signing in between the barnacle stuff.  It’ll be awesome.  Or terrible.  Probably both.

April 1 ~ San Francisco, CA, Books Inc. (in the Marina, apparently), 7pm

April 2 ~ Danville, CA Rakestraw, 7pm

April 3 ~ San Jose, CA Barnes & Noble, 7pm

April 4 ~ Phoenix, AZ Barnes & Noble, 7pm

PS. I’m not sure how, but somehow this insane book is still on the NYT list.  And that?  Is a damn miracle.  One that you created.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to thank you even more I’m going to give a few of you an autographed copy of my book which you can’t read.  Unless you can read German.  In which case, you are way smarter than me.

For German publisher

Unless you want the English copy. Whatever. Just tell me what you want in the comments and if you get picked I’ll give it to you.  Unless what you want is a bunch of eyeless faces in a box.  Those are mine.

875 thoughts on “PLEASE COME! (No pressure or anything.)”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I loved the e-book, and would love a paperback copy so I can read the extra parts!

  8. Live in Austria, can’t read German, would like the English version, but have a US address for delivery. Because, it’s a wild and crazy world out there, isn’t it?

  9. You’re giving me a really good idea. I’d like to book you for a reading at my house. It will look a lot like everyone is painting my house, and they are, but you can read to them at the same time and I’ll provide cookies and boxes of wine. Everybody wins.

  12. I’m in the middle of reading it right now… and checked out from the library. But to have a copy of my own (in English) would be totally awesome!

  13. I would love an English copy! Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day.

  15. I love you forever. And since I already own the English version of your book, a German one would look amazing on my bookshelf.

  16. Congrats. I don’t need a copy, I got the hardback signed by you in person when you were in Seattle, I got it on my Kindle. I am good to go! Happy travelling!

  20. I’m pleased to say I contributed to your NYT listing! I won’t be able to make it to any of your book tour spots but please accept these virtual hugs and accolades from me!

  21. Wow! I would LOVE the German copy, because I keep trying to learn German, and NOTHING would be better than learning Bloggess-influenced German.

    I think I could get into particularly awesome trouble this way.

  22. I would love the English paper back and the eyeless faces in a box please!

  23. Would love a copy in English! Wish you were coming by LA this time, I wasn’t able to make it last time. You are awesome, and I love your site/twitter!

  24. 1) That lipstick looks gorgeous on you. I wish I had the coloring to pull a shade like that off.
    2) I’d dig an autographed copy in English.

  26. hey! I would so love a German copy of your book! German is my native language so there’ll be no problems with me understanding it!

  27. I totally want the German version. What I learning experience! I’ll be able to say Vagina, Squirrel, Taxidermy, and Lady-Garden all in German. What a beautiful world

  29. I need this book! i know this sounds like a lame excuse….but legit my dog ate my copy English please!

  30. You need to do a reading in German. Or your approximation of German. Think how crazy & angry you’d sound! Like you were trying to take over the world. With your taxidermy minions.

  31. I have an autographed copy for myself already, but one of my friends wasn’t in town to make it to the book signing, so if I could get one for her that would be great! Bringing a smile to someone else’s face would bring one to mine as well. I don’t think she can read or speak German though, so English would be cool… Although it would be fun to have a German one on my shelf so that I can see the WTF look on people’s faces when they pick it up… Hehehe…

  33. I had to stop reading your chapter about the Psycho on the other side of the door. I was on a plane and just started crying my eyes out because I was laughing so loud. Have to go back and re-read, maybe in my bathroom, with my cat on the other side of the door 🙂

  34. Dear Jenny,
    You have messed with my mind. I now like taxidermy–words I never expected to utter (or type). I would love to have a copy in English, please.
    Leslie

  36. I would LOVE the german version! I already have my own copy, but my bff is german and she needs one too!

  37. I loaned out my book and have not gotten it back! I know where she lives, I won’t hound about for a year though, because she has limited funds and I am not fond of confrontation. I would love to have the paperback, english please?

  38. I’d prefer an English version, but since I read it already in my kindle app I’ll take whatever I can get.

  40. I could do the German version. I have English and need to bone up on my German!!

  42. Congrats! It’s a great book and it deserves to be on the best seller list. If I win I’d like an English copy. 🙂

  44. I would love a paperback copy if it includes the extra chapter otherwise I’ll happily take a German copy. This way I can leave it about so my German boyfriend can read it.

  46. English version please….though my hubby and son BOTH took German but I’m thinking as much as you could enlighten them, they wouldn’t read it out loud to me 😉

  48. I only read English and a little sign language, and I want to read your book. So my options are limited to those.

  49. Engrish copy would be fab-o. Where are the eyes from those faces? Dried up in a candy bowl?

  50. Ok, I’ll tell you what I want! I want you to come to the Gaithersburg book festival in Gaithersburg, MD again because it happens on my birthday weekend and last year that was the best birthday EVER. Turns you you have one every year, so I’d like them to keep being awesome. But I could live with a copy of the paperback because I don’t have one. 🙂

  51. I’d like the German, please. I already have it in English. Also? I want to seem smarter than I am.

  52. I would love a German copy. This book (in English) made my life a better place, and also my German vocabulary for outfit-wearing taxidermy is sadly lacking.

  53. I want it! I really want it!
    (The English version, not the German as I’m not that clever)

  54. Since I’ve loaned my copy out so many times that I haven’t seen it in months, I’d adore a new English copy! I need something to pick my spirits up…

  55. I would love the English version. I wanted to go to your PHX stop of the tour, but I can’t make it due to other commitments 🙁

  56. Thank you for the giveaway!
    I’d love a paper copy of the book, do you have it in the superior langage that is french, my native tongue. Of course, I’d take a copy in the lowly english language otherwise. Could Hunter S Thomcat be involved in the autographing process is some way, pretty please?

  57. > Ellen : I live in France, can’t read german, would like the english version, and have a US address for delivery too. Wild and crazy of this world, unite!

  58. OMG I would love a german copy!!! I was born in Germany and learned some of the language in high school and in an effort to keep up with it, I have a small collection of German books. My collection currently consists of the first Harry Potter. It would be really awesome to expand it!

  59. I can confirm that The Marina is a neighborhood and not really a marina. If I get off of work in time, I’ll be there!

  61. I am just sad I did not get to meet you. So a signed book would be nice.
    Come back to Canada please!? We won’t make you scrape any boats. But we man insist that you chuck maple syrup and drink a Tims. Maybe even some polar bear hugging…….. Waaaay better the. Normal bear hugging. You can take my word, I’m Canadian.

  63. Would love a signed copy! How awesome of you to give some away! I love writers like you that are so involved with their readers! 🙂

  65. I would love an English copy. But I will read it while eating a strudel. And wearing lederhosen. Sitting in a Volkswagen.

  66. I would love the paperback copy in English so I could read the extra chapter!

  67. Definitely not smart enough for German, so English please! And good luck with your tour. My IBS flairs just thinking about all the travel. I bow down to you and your touring ways.

  68. You keep giving them away and I keep giving mine away, so I’m hoping this one is my English speaking destiny. Plus, I never got my signed bookplate for pre-ordering before the release date, so since I don’t have a copy anymore this definitely smacks of destiny. Please 🙂

  70. Wait, did I see there’s extra bits in the Paperback?? I want that, please. In English. Without paying. 🙂

  71. Loved the book! Think it would be awesome to read it in German….even though I don’t speak German I am a pretty good reader 😉

  72. I would prefer to have an English copy, though can you imagine how much more disgusting those taxidermy stories are when translated into German? Ha!

  73. I’d love a copy!! English is preferable, but I can’t think of a better way to teach myself German than by reading your book 😉

  74. I would love a copy of your book… unfortunately i have never learned Greman except “da” ie yes….so English please!!!

  75. I would LOVE a print copy to supplement my ebook.
    You are awesome Jenny! And if you ever come to Vermont I will come see you. But CA and AZ are just too far for my non-existent travel budget…

  76. Would love an autographed English copy! I already have to hard copy, but you can never have to many of this book!!!

  77. I’d love an autographed copy no matter what language the book is in! Besides, having it in German will only make me look smarter to the people who go through my bookshelves. Win-win.

    Wish I were stateside to have made it to the tour!!!

  78. I would love an English copy so I can read the additional chapters!!

  79. If by some odd chance I should break my own record of NEVER winning anything and come up lucky, I would love an English version, autographed copy of your AWESOME book! And, if you show up April 1 and they do have you scheduled to scrape barnacles, well, I’m sure all your bazillion fans who are there to spend time with you will happily pitch in and help!

  80. A copy of your book? Yes, please! And by the way, I’d love to have the German version of your book. I can’t read German, but it would sure be funny. Did you know my mom lives in the most German city in Brazil? Of course you didn’t, because who cares, right? But she does. I do have a few friends who could read German but I think I have more friends able to read the English version, so I guess that one would be better. I don’t know, now I’m all confused!
    On a somewhat related note, my Grandpa used to say a few words in German when I was little, which doesn’t make sense since he was not German and lived in Brazil. He doesn’t live anymore. Okay, that sounds awkward.
    Anyway, you probably didn’t even want to read all of this and just wanted a yes or no answer, but I’m feeling rambly and that’s how my ADD works. Or my brain, who knows, really. But yes, I’d love a copy of your book.
    Oh, look! Kittens!
    No, not really, but I thought it would make for a good ending. What do you think?

  82. I would love it in German even though I don’t know German-it’s so random and amazing. (If I win, will you autograph it in German??? :D)

    So excited for San Jose. Darn right I will be there. If I can find any bells, I’ll even put them on!

  83. If I get the German one I can give it to someone who speaks actual German. It will make his wife cackle so wonderfully!

  84. I want the English one, and I want Amanda Fucking Palmer to get the German version BECAUSE SHE SPEAKS GERMAN, Y’ALL. I know, right?

  88. As cool as a box of eyelashes would be, I mean SERIOUSLY think of the possibilities, I would rather have the copy of the signed book. Preferably in English. 🙂

  89. German version, please. I have the hard cover signed by you. And it is as awesome as you! But that’s pretty much the same thing, right?

  94. I would love an english copy of the book so I can read the extra stories not in the digital copy. I’d love a german copy just b/c I think it would be fun and silly to try and translate – so you can surprise me as you’d like. 🙂

    even bigger surprise (and I hate doing this but i will do shamelessly anyway) is if you took a peek at my store. 🙂 I promise nothing will jump out of ANY of the products at you… 🙂

  95. I want a jar of love. Or a book smothered with kisses in whatever language. As long as I can feel da love

  96. Yes, please, I would totally take it in any language. And that, of course, is a statement that out of context would sound way more exciting than it actually is….

  99. I would love the paperback! I have listened to the audiobook twice and read the hardcover – would love to know what the extra chapter is all about!

  101. English copy, please! You have created an addict, and like most addicts, I’m looking for a 12-step program. However, I’ll be more than pleased to receive the extra chapter in its place. Unless you can find a recovery program run by Unicorns.

  103. LOVE it! Isn’t everything a little scarier in German? One time in high school my bff and I drove into Chicago to see La Traviata, because we were already opera fans. When we looked up on the stage and saw the set, a lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling, we were like, “what?” Then the super scary German “Wozzeck” started. We were so freaked out.
    I have recommended your HILARIOUS book to EVERYONE I know! I can’t stop raving about how wonderful it is, seriously. so great.
    I would LOVE an English copy since German freaks me out. And my husband is like, 100% German. go figure.
    Thank you So much for being so awesome!!

  104. I really want a job, a decent job where I can feel like I am contributing…sadly there are few if any jobs in my area and shame of all, my boyfriend claimed me (legally) as a dependent on his taxes this year…great for the ego!!

  107. English English English ME ME ME!!!! I’m moving in a week. AND MOVING IS THE WORST PUNISHMENT OF THE WORLD!!! And so I deserve a book. And also something to eat, because I’m hungry right now. But it doesn’t have to be much because I had gastric bypass surgery last summer and my stomach is the size of an egg. Hm.. so maybe I’ll just go make myself an egg. So really, by giving ME a book, you’re saving yourself from buying me lunch. WIN-WIN!!!

  108. I will personally make my ten year old son learn German just to read your book to me when I am old and in the nursing home

  109. I would love an English copy. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing your taxidermy projects. I’ve made a bunch of my friends read your book because it’s just to awesome to keep to myself(:

  112. If I HAD to pick, I guess I’d pick the paperback, for the new chapter. But then, I can also see (after a few drinks) doing dramatic readings to my cats from the German copy. Then I’d have bilingual cats…which really would be cool.

  113. would LOVE the English copy! i need you to help me corrupt my mother with awesomeness.

  114. I’m not funny enough to post comments here normally, but you make me laugh out loud every day…thank you! Unless you’ve got a Latin copy, I’ll have to beg for an English version! 🙂

  115. So, I don’t want a copy of your book. But not because I don’t love it. I just already have three. I have the hardback one, which I pre-ordered, and it is wearing an autographed costume (because I pre-ordered I got one of your stickers)

    Then I have my kindle copy, which I only got because I thought I had pre-ordered a kindle copy, then I realized I would have to wait for my hardback copy so I was all- screw it, I am buying the kindle copy too.

    THEN, I finally got to meet you for real last week in Cincinnati. You signed my paperback copy and took a lovely picture with me and my three minions and Copernicus. SO, yeah. Give it to someone else. But thanks for being awesome. I still love this book every time I read it. Which is a lot.

  116. I have the e-book but I would totally love a hardcopy. In English. Or German. Maybe I could learn how to say “motherfucker” in German.

  120. English, please! I would love a paperback copy so I can read the extra bits.

  121. I would love one in English to tide me over until you release your next book. And it will take my mind off of needing a giant metal chicken in my back yard. Maybe. Not really. You have ruined me for life, Jenny Lawson!

  122. Me please. I’ll have it in German, because it’s never too late to learn. Admittedly it might have been useful to learn *before* I worked in a German restaurant as a commis chef and set my bottom on fire making pasta, and ran up and down the kitchen shouting “help, help, I’m on fire” for what felt like ages before the chef said “ahhh, FEUER” and threw a bucket of potato-peeling water at me. But never mind.

  123. I can’t read German but I would prefer the German one. I will hire someone to read the book to me. Maybe they will be willing to trade services? Not sure what services I have to give, but I am sure there is something. Know any German speaking persons willing to trade services?

  124. I have the e-book, so I would LOVE a copy of the English version…please, oh pretty please. I will scrape barnacles off hulls for you, with you, in your name. Whatever. Muah.

  125. While I would prefer the English copy, I would happily accept anything you send me 🙂

    (I can type that with total confidence, knowing that you will never willingly part with anything taxidermy-ish, so I think I’m safe. I think. *crossing fingers*)

  126. Oooh English version please…

    And my friends and I are excited to see you in San Jose on Wednesday!!!! (I think there will be at least 7 of us. 🙂 )

  128. German! Please! Please! Please! I already own two versions of the english one! and plan on buying a 3rd when i join you in your barnacle scraping venture on Monday… so yea, german. even though i definitely can’t read it.

  129. Oh! German, please! I can re-read my English copy and, having refreshed my memory, pretend to be able to read the German copy. This might lead to wild and crazy adventures!! (Or scrubbing pots in the back of some sauerkraut plant, but them’s the breaks.)

  130. I would take anything you wanted to give me Jenny! German, English, Klingon, don’t matter none!

  131. I would be happy to have either really. If I got the English version, I’d pass it around to all of my friends. If I ended up with German, I’d teach myself German. Win-win!

  132. I would love the English version. I have been swamped in medical bills and have not been able to buy a copy yet. I am dying from the anticipation 🙁

  133. while i totally think the german book has wicked cool cover, i wouldn’t be able to read it, unless you directly plagiarized, i mean, “quoted” a German opera or something (that’s the extent of my German knowledge). wish you were coming to Pittsburgh!

  134. I LOVED LOVED the English version, but I am also fluent in German and would LOVE a German copy – I can only imagine how much more komisch (funny, auf Deutsch) the German version is!

  135. While a German copy would inevitably make me look wayyyy more intelligent (it’s all about shelf placement), I’d actually LOVE to read it (in English).

  136. I would love an English copy, if I am lucky enough to win. But I would also be happy with a German copy, that I could gift to my German-speaking friend, if you run out of english copies.

  139. I can’t read German, but it might be fun to mess with my brother (who does)…. Naw, I’d have to stick with English. Unless you really want to give a German copy away, then I can get my brother or my friend Ivana to tell me how well they translated it!

  140. Although I admit to an attraction to the beautiful lavender swirls of the German version, I’d love an English paperback!

  141. I actually read, write, and speak German. Lived there growing up–military brat. The loose translation is “That’s not true, or….” I’d love a copy auf Deutsch. 🙂 I got the original on my Kindle last year and loved it. I also bought a copy for my cousin who has gone through some of the same issues you have. She loved it and has now forwarded it to others to keep forwarding….

  142. I was going to go for the eyeless faces in a box, but since that’s off the table, I’m going to keep my fingers crossed for the book. In English. Although I’d take one in any language, really.

  143. I have plans to crawl out of my cave and go to a book store this weekend and am planning on getting your book while i’m there. However, an autographed (English) copy would totally rock and allow me to pass the awesomeness on to someone who hasn’t yet found the joy that is your writing 🙂

  144. Oh, I’d just love the German version! Such lovely language or something… plus???? The title looks like it means “What’s with the nice, Smelly?” MORE AWESOMENESS.

  145. I’ve already got a copy of your book and LOVE IT! And I’ve made my friends read it (and your blog). We’re pretty sure we’d be best friends. So, instead of a book, I think you should add a New England stop to your book tour sometime 🙂

  148. I really REALLY love you!!! My family and friends often say I’m a younger version of you. I would love an english version!!!!

  149. So, despite having lived in Germany for the last 2 years… I can’t speak or read the language to save my life. Unless I’m at a restaurant. Then look out, because I’ll order the heck out of some food.

    THAT BEING SAID, I love you, Jenny Lawson and if I wasn’t still living in Germany I would totally come see you and get my kindle (or a new paperback copy… or both if your hand isn’t broken from autographs) signed. I will however settle for a signed copy of your wonderful book. In English preferably, since I really don’t want to spend twelve hours per chapter typing up and then attempting to decipher what Google translate thinks you said. Or what it thinks I typed. Whichever. 🙂

  150. Aw, no Colorado? I missed you last year ’cause we were evicted from our apartment and homeless for a few days.

    (PS if I’m chosen, I’d love the English copy)

  152. Ooh ooh, pick me! I want the German copy! I already have the English version (which I’m going to bring with me on Wednesday to the San Jose book signing!) and I do actually speak German, having lived in Germany for several years! You can just bring it with you to Barnes and Noble on Wednesday! 🙂

  153. Oh I’ll take the box of eyeless faces – read the book and loved it. If
    I had the faces I’d put them on the wall and tell everyone they are the ghosts of Jenny’s friends and dress them up too because hey you’ve influenced my taste in decorating now

  155. I got your book from the library & loved it so much I bought it. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cry sometimes & other times I realize that though my childhood was odd there are others that had stranger pnes

  157. I would love a German copy. Because who doesn’t like trying to pronounce words in a foreign language and laughing hysterically at total failure? My husband I cracked each other up the other night trying to pronounce “squirrel” in German: Eichhörnchen. I sound like I’m hocking a loogie.

  158. OHMYGOD!!!! I CAN READ GERMAN!! I want! I want! I want! Please pick me!!! I bet you’re even funnier in another language!!!

  159. I have the ebook version, but would love to have a paperback version in English. I am not able to go to any book signings, so an autographed copy would be truly appreciated.

  160. Well, I have the autographed book plate thingy for pre-ordering on Amazon and I was fortunate enough to see you on tour for another autograph. Adding a German book to my collection would be fantatisic. Especially if you could write “You’re so awesome, I nearly shit myself” in German since that is what you wrote in my English copy. 🙂 AND, even though I REALLY want the box of eyeless faces, I totally understand you not wanting to share! I wouldn’t either.

  162. German please! But you’ll have to send it to Germany… Does that disqualify me?

  165. I am so thrilled for you that your book is still on the NYT list, but I’m not surprised. I’ve got an ebook copy and loved it — have read it two or three times already. 🙂 I’d love a copy of the English version.

  166. Yay! You are headed my way! Gonna try to see you in San Jose!!! I would love an English copy ?

  167. I’m going to let you keep the eyeless faces. I have plenty already, thanks. I took German in high school, but I got chicken pox (at 16, I tell you, my parents were cruel) and couldn’t be there to take the final, so the teacher just gave me a B for doing homework. His initials were ASS. No joke. I also took a semester of German in college . . . the only reason I didn’t fail is because the teacher was really nice. I prefer English. It’s just . . . y’know, it’s pretty much ingrained.

  168. I was bummed that my getting hardback early meant I missed the extra chapter, so I’d be “superhobbitbouncy” to get an English one! Though that German cover is kookalicious.

  169. I’d love it! (The English one, not the German one. Everything sounds madder in German.) I lent my copy out and now I can’t remember who has it!

  170. Oooh, the paperback English version would be great. But I agree with Ashley that a German copy, strategically placed in my bookcase, would add an air of intelligence and mysteriousness.

  173. I wwwant a copy! German or English… surprise me! That way you have control over this whole issue, and everybody likes control, right? My gift to you! That’s how you win, if I win… lol

  174. Oh ME ME!! PICK ME!!! I’d prefer English as the only thing I learned in my German class was to tell people I had broken my ass…

  175. Need the German for mein sohn (my son which got auto corrected to marine zone). He is learning German this ought to mess him up gut.

  177. German, please! I can’t read German, and the only thing I know how to say in German is “say, aren’t you a cruel dwarf in disguise?”. Seriously. But I already have two English copies — paperback and hardcover — so the German one would round out my collection nicely, I think.

  178. I gave my daughter, who is 20 and in college and a fan of you because I’m an awesome dad like that, a hard back edition for Christmas, and I even put the signed book plate in it for her. She has also finished 2 years of college German and 4 years of high school German so she’s well prepared to enjoy your book in German as well as in English. So, there’s that.

    Who do I have to pay off to get you to come to Nashville for a reading/signing since you avoided our town like the plague?!?! I promise, it’s just like Texas, only with fewer oil wells and just as many guns.

  180. I’ve read my ebook version half a dozen times. I’ll gladly read a paperback (English) version another half dozen!

  181. I would so love a copy of your book in German. It would sit on the shelf with all my other German books after I have the hubby read it to me. I’m trying to learn German but it’s a slow process. When you grab a kids book in German and go ‘ummm what? this is tooooo hard!’ you know it’s slow. lol. Can’t wait to see you in San Jose.

  183. I would LOVE to get a copy!! English please…preferably Canadian… (lol) 😉

  184. Since I only have the e-book, I NEED a copy (English, please) for my Most Favorite Books EVER bookshelf! Although the German edition would also be an interesting addition. 🙂

  185. Jenny I would love a copy, especially since there is now an additional chapter that I missed the first time around 🙂 Speaking German would be awesome, but not very useful in Colorado.

  186. While having a copy in German would be cool on my coffee table and make me look super smart, I don’t wanna look smart. I wanna read a book, so I would ask for English.

  187. Even though I can’t read German, I need the German copy to go with my hardcover & paperback versions in English. Also this interuppted my Doctor Who watching, so you kind of owe me. Either a book or Rory as a Roman. Your call.

  188. I’d like an English copy. Or, if I can’t have that, can I have what I originally read, which was “a bunch of eyelash feces in a box”?

  189. I would like the English version please … or this may force to learn German, so then I can live there … or maybe not.

  191. I would love to have a(n) (english, signed) copy of your book! I came to your book signing in Dayton, but I freaked out at the size of the crowd and panicked and had to leave before I could do more than hear a few excerpts.

  192. Oooo, pick me, PICK ME!! And, I’d take either language since anything you’ve created is just plain AWESOME!!

  193. I’d really like a copy. In English too. Or is that as well. Well whatever. I must be the only person on Earth who reads your blog and hasn’t read the book yet. So hopefully I’ll get the hook up on this giveaway. 🙂

  194. I’d take either copy. I was at your reading in Portland and I didn’t know if I was going to pee my pants or start bawling, I was laughing so hard. Then you signed my metal chicken. It was AMAZE-balls.

    Anyways, I keep telling your story of being stuck in the bathroom to people, and while they laugh their butts off, it isn’t the same as shoving a book in their face and saying “YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. NOW. I’LL WAIT.” I’d really like to do that.

  195. English paperback, please! I have the hardcover, and want to read the new stuff! Congratulations on your still being on the NYT list! That’s amazing, but well-deserved. Your book was great!

  196. I want an autographed copy! I’ll take German or English! I missed your tour in NYC because I was fighting a green dragon and then five cats tried to kill me. Sort of. But I wanted to be there! Really! Exclamation point!

  197. Pick me pick me! But for the English one. I took 3 years of German but all I can remember how to say is “Classy haircut!” and “How much are the pens?” (Klasse harschnitt! und Wie kostet die kulis?) (p.s. some smarty pants is going to correct me on those. count on it!)

  198. If I were in San Fran I would totally come scrape barnacles with you because that would just be Rad m. I could say I totally just scraped junk off a boat with Jenny Lawson. But I digress. I’m not in San Fran but I’d love a copy of you book in English of course

  199. Marina is definitely a neighborhood and I am excited that you get to see San Francisco! You will love it here! I’m definitely going to try and make it, although I have your book on iPad so I will have to find something else for you to sign.

  200. Oh crap! Not only do I live near SF and my actual birthday is April 1st I also speak (limited) German! That book should be mine!

    Only fly in the ointment is we are moving into a new house on Monday. This would be a perfect housewarming, birthday, sorry you couldn’t make it present.

  201. Would totally love an English copy! I have the audio book, which I love, but so want a hard copy!

    See you in Danville next week!

  202. I bought your book before it even came out! But, I would love another copy to give to my daughter who loves you as much as I do.

  203. Loving the cover of the German version- if you so inclined to send it my way 🙂

  205. Ich möchte eine Kopie Ihres Buches in den deutschen bitte. Ich bin durch das Lesen alles in der englischen gelangweilt. vielen Dank.

  206. Would love the German one please, see I had taken one German course at univ. 24yrs ago just so I could be all cool sounding ‘Can’t chat, off to German class, Auf Weidersan losers!’ Epitome of coolness, eh?
    So if I get the German version of your book I can sit in Starbucks and just when it gets quite full of yuppies I can guffaw loudly whilst(nice one?) holding your book aloft(man. I’m just on fire today) and caw loudly ‘Oh, Jenny Lawson, Auf Weidersan you crazy nut.’
    Did I happen to mention that’s the only line I retained of German and never actually use it correctly.
    Auf Weidersan Jenny Penny

  208. I would totally take the box of eyeless faces but since it isn’t up for grabs I would LOVE an English copy of the book!!

  209. I would love a copy in German, I already have the hardcover in English! Great conversation starter, having a book in German on your bookshelf, you know.

    Good luck on the rest of your tour!

  210. I would love the German copy! I have a family member who could teach me to read it, too!

  212. I would love a German copy. Dedicated in German. Cuz that would be cool. Even tho I can’t speak a word of German. 🙂

  213. I’m so excited!!!! I’ll see you in Danville! I’ll be the pregnant woman standing next to the tallest man in the bookstore 😀

  215. As I have it in an ebook, I would love a German copy. I took it (German, not the book) in high school but probably cannot read it now. Maybe I could find Frau Kommraad to help me. You are awesome and your posts regularly make my day!

  216. ….Can I have a Latin version? Please! English will be my backup since I bought the E-book of the first edition and don’t have the extra chapter.

  217. I wish you could come to Memphis. But, honestly, truthfully, I would probably cry and be really shy and trip over my own feet and be way too nervous because reading your book pretty much kept me from killing myself this past fall.

  219. My best friend and I will be at the signing in Phoenix! If i get to pick, I’d love to have the audio book so I can listen to it at work and in my car and anywhere I wanted to. Or a paperback in English, please. It so rocks that you’re published in German, but I can’t read German. I’m not that cool.

  220. Oh lovely! How I would love to win a book. In English. Or better yet, an audiobook. Because your voice made it even better! Seriously. The voice inside my head just cannot pronounce vagina the way you do. FYI, I cued the audiobook in the car so that when my husband left to go to the store, the first thing he heard was you screaming,”Vagina!”. It was epic.

  222. You already were kind enough to give me a pre-printed copy so I am grateful for that. Have fun in California!

  224. I’ll take the English or German…I can’t read German but well it might be pretty cool to have 🙂

  226. Sorry. That said, ‘Please send me the book in German!” I’ll teach you all the really bad German phrases.

  227. Ooh… I’d love a paperback copy. In English because I want to read the new stuff. Although that German one would look super awesome on display.

    But, no, English. Definitely English. 🙂

  229. I already have the english copy, so I totes want a German one. And I’m moving, so if you send me a signed copy it’ll be the FIRST THING MAILED TO MY NEW HOUSE. Yes. That’s right, B-unit: you could have that honour. And I could have a pink book I can’t read. Everybody wins.

  230. I just saw your book at Target:) No extra money, so I couldn’t buy it:( Would love an English copy, if I’m lucky enough to get chosen:)

  233. I would love either, but the English one would be best so I can read the extra chapters that were not in the kindel version 🙂

  234. I totally want a German copy. Because I read German. That’s because I’m really smart. Well, and German, that helps, too…

  238. The Germán versión would be an awesome addition to my collection of hardcover, paperback and kindle versions 😀

  239. I would love your book in any language … if I can’t read it now, I’ll learn later. LOVE this blog and all of the wonderful people here 🙂

  240. I already read (and adored) the hardback version, but I’d love a paperback so I can get the new stuff!

  242. English version (hardcover?) please! Or a TARDIS. I’d prefer the TARDIS, but only if it has low mileage and still has the capacity to travel through time and space.

  244. I’ve heard your book is all kinds of hilarious! My sister turning me onto your blog and we’d love to read your book! In English please 🙂

  245. I would love a signed copy, paperback in English….and if you wanted to throw in a few of your eyelashes, that would be ok too….

    I just creeped myself out a bit, no eyelashes. K thnx Bye

  246. would love a copy! just finished reading the copy i got from the library and i definitely want my own!

  247. I am not picky. I just look forward to anything that you may send me if I am that lucky. Thank you. I love my e-book but a real book would be better for the bookplate I have from the preorder.

  249. Can I beg for an English copy? I can’t offer anything like zombie-infested flying unicycles in return, but if i *could* that would be seriously cool, and you could probably use them to repel the scorpions … or kill the foxen and reanimate them. Wait … that’s not a good trade AT ALL … damn.

  250. I recently found your blog and have gone back through every single page of it because it speaks to me so well. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and I just love your saying of “depression lies” because it’s something that is so hard to believe in the middle of a panic attack but it’s completely true and I try to keep reminding myself of that every day. I would totally love a copy of your book as I haven’t had a chance to buy it myself yet (in English because I am not smart enough for German). Thanks and keep up with the hilarious blogging, it’s what has gotten me through some pretty bad days recently.

  251. I would love the German version. It will impress my future German friends.

  252. I would love to get a copy! It’s on my amazon wishlist, but I had to use my giftcards to buy a gift for my friends baby shower instead. Strangely, your book was not on her registry. Maybe that means she shouldn’t be my friend.

  253. I am not smart enough to read the German version, so I’d prefer an English version. I could read a French version though.

    Is it weird that I think booking you for a personal home reading is a great idea. Invite a few friends, wine and desserts. I love this.

  254. By the way … I think Billy Idol has all the eyes that belong to those faces.

  256. I would love a paperback version, in English, please. Though, I do have a friend who could translate the German for me. You are the best!

  259. Would love a copy (in English), as it’s my book club’s April selection, and the kindle download is no fun to curl up with. If you’ve got it in Spanish or Portuguese, I’ll take it, but German is just not in my repertoire.

  261. I already have the English one and if you send me a German copy, then I can turn it into a safe for storing my guns and drugs! I hope I get picked!!!!

  262. I NEED THIS BOOK IN ENGLISH….yes, I’m yelling at you and yes, I don’t care! I NEED THIS BOOK!!! I have the e-version and I want a hardcopy so I can smell it, read it, hug it, sleep with it, whatever (yes you can do all these things with a NOOK, but it’s more fun with an actual book).

  263. I would lOVE a signed copy of your book – in English – w/out the eyeless faces. Beyonce is ok, though. 🙂

  264. I would love the English version. I would like to read what I missed. Although, eyeless doll heads sound fun, too!

  265. I would love a copy because my friend took my copy and never gave it back. She’s still my friend. I guess.
    And maybe the German copy would be fun. I don’t speak or read German. Not even sure I know anyone who is German. But I would carry the book in public and someone would speak to me in German or ask if I’m German and I would say “gesundheit” because that’s all the German I know. Wait, is that German?

  267. How is Jenny Lawson like Apple? The slightly cooler upgrades to make me buy yet another version of what I already have. ‘Blog’ then ‘Book’ then ‘Extra Chapter’ now ‘German’. When will it end?

  269. Any book…English or German 🙂 As long as it has your signature…or Hunter S. Thomcat’s signature. That would be awesome

  274. As you can see, I do not only have a German website and email address, I actually AM totally German and thus can read German 😀 I dunno if that really means I’m smarter than you, but fact is I’d love to own the pretty German edition, and with your royal, shiny signature to boot… I promise I will lend the book to all my crazy friends and add to your minion army that way. Deal?

  275. Well I really had my heart set on the eyeless faces in a box. But, I suppose I’ll settle for the German version of your book which I think is telling you that you smell funny where the title should be? Thank you for always brightening my, otherwise, boring work days.

  276. Is it greedy to ask for a copy in English and in German? That way I can teach myself some of the wackiest German phrases and confuse everyone when I visit the country again!

  277. Jenny, you are AWESOME!! I missed you when you were here in Gaithersburg, Maryland 🙁 but I would love an English copy of your fantastic book!!

  279. I just finished the paperback. I cried, I laughed, I gasped. I realize now that my life is SOOOO boring! I would love a signed English version, then I can share my paperback book with my best buds.

  280. As tempting as the German version sounds, I’d totally love the English version (since, you know, I’ll actually be able to read that). 🙂

  282. What I want more than anything, is to have the ability to take care of a penguin, and therefore to have a penguin.
    But second on that list, is another copy of your book. I can’t read German, so I’d probably give it to my cousin, who can. Or I might horde it because if I can’t have a penguin, why not ALL THE BOOKS?

  283. Shit! There are a bunch of comments before mine. If you scroll down this far and pick me, I’d love an English version.

  284. Oohoohooh {{crazily waving my arms in the air}} Pick Me! Pick Me! (English please) Thankssoverymuch

  285. If it was French, then yay! German, not so much – I married into this last name. However, an English copy would absolutely make my day!

  287. I’ve just started expanding my German book collection, but I’d be happy with German or English 😀 It’s because I’m really smart AND I’m not even German. I haven’t read it yet but I figure reading it first in a foreign language could be hilarious and confusing because I won’t know what’s just weird translation and what’s actually you. (In the German version of the first Harry Potter book there’s a bit that says “Mr Dursley has 5 people to screw.”. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember reading THAT version of Harry Potter.)

  288. I’d love a paperback copy, preferably in English! I bought the hard cover version, so I’d love to see the extra stuff!

  291. I just bought the paperback to give to my favorite Aunt who was recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I figured there could be no better way to cheer her up. So clearly you are a comedic genius and I am a saint. Instead of the offical cannonization, can I just have a copy in German please?

  293. You will be going to my “home” bookstore, Rakestraw in Danville. I will not be attending as I am living in the Czech Rep right now. They are amazing, passionate about books people. I would love an English copy but I am not greedy and I will settle for you giving Mike, the owner of Rakestraw, a hug for me. Have a great tour, Jenny!

  295. i would love one in german…i would keep it with my collection of harry potters in various languages!!

  296. I have the English version already so I’ll take the German version. That way when people come to my house they’ll think I know German, or can at least read it! Plus, everything in German sounds angry!

  297. I am a total jerk because if I had a German version, I would give it to one of my very….uptight friends. He actually does read German a little, and it would be HILARIOUS to have him stretch his abilities to read your book. HILARIOUS.

    But other than that, I’m bummed I won’t be able to see you in person. Have a good last leg!

  298. I can read it because, well, maybe you guessed it, I am German. So this book would be perfect for me! Although I just bought your paperback book in English which is, sadly, not signed. I could compare the two and see how the translator did!

  299. Oh, for an English paperback copy, so that all the bits not in the digital copy could be mine. My bits.

    And oh, for another book tour, so I could squee and see you RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

    Thank you for being you.

  301. Sadly, I cannot make it to any of your book signings. The closest you’ve come to where I am has been Paramus, NJ and that’s still a day off work and lots of driving. Doch würde ich gerne eine Kopie Ihres Buches auf deutsch!

  303. I’d love a copy! If you can make it happen to visit Wisconsin on your tour that would be awesome too. Madison preferred but Milwaukee will work.

  304. What I want is for you to do a reading/ signing in Calgary, Alberta!
    They say Calgary is the Canadian Texas, but I don’t know who “they” are and since I’ve never been to Texas, I can’t verify this and I don’t know if “they” can be trusted. Regardless, I think you would fit right in!! 🙂

  305. Stop taunting me with the paperback and its extra chapter and all its fancy papery….ness. PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT? (in English, preferably, so I can read the extra stuff!)

  306. Well, I have two hardbacked copies, a paperback, Kindle, and CD edition in English, So I would LOVE to have a copy in German!

  307. I would love the English copy! You need to come to AL – think of all the quiet pets you could find here!

  308. I already have 2 in English, wait no 3 if you count the audio book! A German copy would be awesome. A friend of mine became fluent enough in French to live in France by reading the French version of the Harry Potter books. I’m sure I could totally move to Germany after reading this book. (You know as long as getting your hand caught in a cow’s vagina is a thing there….probably I’m the countryside).

  309. German, please? Can you sign it to Stinky…cause I know what’s up with the night war. Sad I can’t be inSF to see you. Last SF experience was AFP.

  310. I am definitely going to need the German copy. Can’t read a lick of it but I know that cover alone is worth it.

  311. I would die for an English copy so I could give my BFF her signed copy back. I just keep reading it over and over and over…

  312. I wish I could come see you again… COME BACK TO CHICAGO!!! 🙂

    I’ll take an English version, to give away to a friend… I already have my signed copies (yes, you signed two for me, thankyousomuch!!). I want EVERYONE I know to also have signed copies…. Love you Jenny!

  313. I want an English book. An English copy of your book. Not an English lit book. And not a British copy of your book. A copy of your book in English. Unless you have a cow wearing a necktie and floppy boots. I’ve always wanted to see a cow wearing a necktie and big floppy work boots.

  315. I think I’d the English copy so I can read it (again), but the cover on the German copy is so appealing. How about an English copy with a German dust jacket?? Oh either one, Jenny, either one! (And now I have a scary image in my brain of a box of eyeless faces, so… er, thanks for that.)

  316. Ooooh!!! Would love a copy! Have the Audiobook, which I loved! Listened on a motorcycle trip last summer! Laughing so hard my husband thought something was wrong with the motorcycle!! Would love a copy to read the extras! And BTW you were a great narrator!!! 🙂

  317. Personally, I’d prefer an English copy. HOWEVER, if I got German, I wouldn’t complain. I would just spend a lot of time on freetranslation [dot] com

  318. Da ich aus Deutschland komme, hätte ich gern das deutsche Buch 😀

    As I am from Germany, I would love to have the German version with your autograph in it. I promise it’s going to get a place of honor in my book room!

    Liebe Grüsse
    Jo

  319. I Would LOVE a copy in German! I have a copy in English already, but I love having books in German…I have all 7 Harry Potters in German too. I can only partially understand them, but I like pretending I can.

  320. I’d love to win a book. In German, because that’s half the fun.

    Also, it would probably encourage me to learn German. Either that or just make me look multicultural in airports while I just stare at funny words and nod attentively.

  323. I have the ebook, it was amazing! I’d love an english print copy so i could pass it to my mom.

  325. I would like an English copy. Congrats on still being on the NYT list! That’s awesome!

  326. Love the e-book, now I want to read all the extra bits! In english, please! 🙂

  327. Ich liebe dich!!
    But that’s most of the German I know. So, if I am lucky enough to get chosen, English please.
    I already own the original book, but NEED THE NEW CONTENT!
    Sneaky woman.
    Have fun and be safe on the final book tour dates!

  328. German!! Please please please pick me for a German copy! Yes, I can read the beautiful language – even speak it! 😉 I would love to compare and see if my translation would be a better one (I’ve got a Masters in German as well as English and am working on my PhD in Comparative Literature). I’m pretty sure my translation would be better! First of all I would make sure to translate the title a bit more accurately…!

  330. Ich kann Deutsch lesen! (that means I can read German, and I’d love a copy!)

  332. I can read German–not because I’m smart, because I was born in Germany–and I would love a German copy. All the German books I have now are really boring, I need to round things out.

  333. Pick me pick me!! I have two English copies and the audio book so I would love a German copy. I can’t read German. It’s just a super rad fuzzy pink cover which looks awesome.

  337. English book please! Even though I’m part german I can’t speak a word of it… I’m a traitor to my heritage.

  340. I’d love either language. 🙂 It can keep my signed hardback English version company when I’m not there.

    Thanks for being you!

    Tacy

  341. If I can’t get the eyeless faces…and I am not disciplined enough to learn German on my own, I would take either copy as one would make me laugh and the other would make everyone ele around me laugh trying to read German. Or. You would be responsible for my new education as I would be forced to learn German…and become more disciplined. Which would make you responsible for a better me. Wow…you are incredible..smarter already.

  342. English version please!! And congrats on NYT list! I laughed so hard reading your book & the blog! You are hilarious!!

  343. English please, unless you want to do the inscription to me in German but then it would be meaningless to both of us. Heck you could be telling me off in German and I would not even know.

  344. I’d love to take the German Copy. No, I ain’t smarter than you. but my German is QUITE decent 😉 it being my native tongue after all….now if you have a Korean version, I would not be able to read that but I would still love to own it just to weird everybody out 😉

  345. Please please please please! You are the awesomest of awesome. I want to be your friend, because you make me feel not alone in my weirdness, and my husband and Victor could hang out together and shake their heads at us. I am going to your book tour date in San Francisco, and I really really really want to meet you. And I know I sound like a hyper-active chihuahua right now, but I promise I’ll calm down some before I meet you in real life so as not to scare you. 🙂 (Oh, and a signed book would be amazing and full of awesome.)

  346. Oooooooooo, I totally want the German copy. Do you have a Swahili version? I already have the English version. It will be fun to learn how they say, ” I have diarrhea” in every language:)

  347. Oooh I would love the English copy. Unless the German one is simply the numbers one through ten, repeating page after page. Then I could totally read it and impress all of my friends.

  348. Hi Jenny! I’d totally love signed english copy, I don’t own your book though I have borrowed it from the library a couple times. And I totally deserve it because todsay I have a crazy story of my own. I got my yearly mammo today and passed out right after it was finished. My husband works at the hospital’s cancer center where I got it done and bunches of people got to see me laying on the floor with my boobs hanging out. Then they called rapid response, which means everyone in the building who isn’t currently tending to a patient comes running. Like bunches of people all peering in through the door(though at least someone had the sense to cover me with a blanket by then). Then since I banged my head on their pretty, freezing cold, stone floor they made me go to the E.R. and I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time. They took blood and did an EKG and I tried to pee in a cup but I couldn’t and no one would let me drink my coffee! Then they put me on a heart monitor and 2 hours later they finally let me drink my coffee and an nurse said the only thing holding me up was the pee test. And I almost told her that it wouldn’t have been a problem if they let me drink my darn coffee 2 hours before. So I peed and finally got to go home. I am apparently fine. Except mortified that a bunch of people my husband works with may have seen my naked boobs. Good Friday my a$$. 🙂 And that is why I should get a signed copy of your book.

  351. Omg my friend/race-running buddy is fluent in German. She’s a wonderful, smart and totally crazy girl – but hasn’t read your book yet! I would LOVE to give her the Deutsche copy. She’d flip out! 😀

  353. Oh! Oh! Oh!
    Me! Me! Me!
    Need more Bloggess in Minnesota – you know the place that winter NEVER leaves.

  354. I’ll take the German one. I can’t read German, but if I put it on my bookshelf people will think I can. And they will think I’m smart. So I’ll fool them twice with just one book. And I will buy the English version, memorize it and read people pages from the German book. I will be impressive. I’m guessing your whole point of this giveaway was to make me look better, right? No?

  356. You should give it as a prize to who pee’d their pants from laughing so hard the most from reading it. In which case I could win that hands down!. I’d love my own copy so i could relive the experience. (English version of course). 🙂

  357. My aunt and uncle are fluent in German, but I want the paperback English one since I plan on keeping it, maybe I’ll share it though.

  359. I would love a copy of your book in German. I don’t speak the language, but I could amuse myself by checking to see how well some phrases got translated.

  360. English would be cool. And I’d love to come to a stop on your book tour–how about stopping in Dallas?????

  361. German copy, please! So I can send it over to my sister in Germany who greatly misses American humor. The kids she is teaching English to can’t even grasp a knock knock joke.

  363. Is it weird that I want the German copy but I can’t read a word of it? I thought a lot about my childhood and especially my dad while reading your book and he spoke German. I think owning the German version would be awesome but I would be honored to own anything that was signed by you.

  364. I will learn to read German if I get the copy. Mostly I just want to see what got changed around in the translation

  365. We’ll see you in San Jose. It’s already on my calendar, so it must be real!

    I would appreciate a English version. I gave mine to my sister.

  366. I would like to buy you and your German translators some wine. Just to see their faces after translating phrases like “eyeless faces in a box”. Priceless! Good luck on the last leg of your tour Jenny!

  368. Ich wirklich, wirklich wollen die Deutsch-Version wenden Sie sich bitte!!

    p.s. Ich liebe Sie Jenny!

  369. since I don’t want to have to go back to school to learn German, I would love to win the English version

  373. My husband and I met while working in Germany and we came to see you in Kansas City. (We live in Kansas but ventured into Missouri just to see you!) We would Love, Love, Love to have the book in German so we can try to relearn German by reading the books at the same time. It would be awesome. And probably if we ever do go back use the Lawson German it might sound like “Can I buy that pig scarf for twelve vaginas?”

  374. I woud like the English version but I promise to give it to a German friend. Have fun in CA (and AZ)!

  375. I would so dig a Hamlet Von Dracula bookcover… Please to be remembering – YOU ARE GOOD AT IT.

  376. Ooh! Me! Pick me! Please. And the English version would be amazing. And thank you. I hope the last leg of the tour goes well, Jenny!

  377. I would dearly love to have a german copy!! I have the e-book and the hardback. I’m buying the soft this weekend. This would be perfect for the wtf factor!!!!

  378. I would totally love a Deutsch version to go with my English version… I’m studying, so I can practice reading your hilarity in my second favorite language!

  379. I’d love to win a copy in English, but German is cool too, I’d just give it to my mother and then she’d REALLY start to worry about my sanity. But seriously, when is this tour going to hit Utah? Because as much as I’d love to drive to San Francisco or Phoenix, I don’t think my boss would approve time off for a road trip to attend a book reading…bastard.

  381. After convincing my husband to move to Minnesota from Arizona, he’s now laughing at me because I want to be there to get my book signed and meet you! So very jealous! Who wouldn’t want a german copy they couldn’t read? That would be awesome. =)

  382. Pick me. I want the German copy. My daughter is flying to Germany for the summer and she can gift it to my mother-in-law who loves to read. She lost her mother recently and deserves to laugh until she pees (the pee could be my gift, the book could be yours). I bought the audio and the hardcover versions, so this one would be like buying two and getting the third one free. Bitte und danke!

  383. Please come to Pittsburgh because we love you and because Pittsburgh is like a dead wolf head that no one wanted to look at, but that has become totally awesome after someone like you found us at a yard sale and realized our potential and gave us a cape and pearls and put us on a wall. (No pressure or anything.)

  384. Well, I cannot read German but I can read English! I came to meet you at the Joseph-Beth bookstore in Cincinnati, OH, but I didn’t get to talk to you or have you sign my book because I didn’t buy it there. I could have waited until all the people with those little proof of purchase slips were finished but my sciatica was screaming at me “Oh, no, you ain’t standing in that freakin’ line for 4 hours. I will take you down, Bitch!” So I do not have a signed copy after all. I’d sure LIKE one though. I did get to ask you a question during the Q & A spot though. I asked you what the coat looked like which you were wearing when you met Victor. By the way, not at all what I had pictured when I read it. I was seeing a little navy blue pea-coat. Your description made the story so much funnier!
    I just love you. “Knock-knock, Motherfucker!”

  385. Hmmm, I already have the book but just in case this turns into an episode of Jenny’s Favourite Things and you start sending us all random stuff, I’ll take either a photo of Wil Wheaton or a mouse with a cape. Thanks!

  386. Loved the hardback book but my sister was too lame to come see you in Seattle to get it autographed for me!! I would do back-flips for a signed paperback copy!

  388. PS: Remember the time I posted about being called by the police because I butt dialed and they heard the part of your book about the dead people and I thought they were going to track me down and arrest me. That story is all true and worth a free book. Plus — and I can’t stress this enough — that was the scariest thing that happened to me and you owe me big time for it.

  389. Puh! LEASE! Send me one of your awesome autographed books with your signature on it! Because, I want to be creepy and molest it because you signed it. That is all. 🙂

  390. I’d take either German or English… I need to practice my German skills and laughing at stories would definitely help that!

  391. The German copy could be fun, but if I get to pick, I would like a signed paperback copy since it has the extra chapter or the audiobook! I still love my hardback book.

  392. I would love an English version! And also, if I can get off work, I will totally be there on April 1st.

  393. I would love the German version. My friend recently moved to Germany and is learning the language.

    I already have the English version of your book so if you gave me the German version I could memorise the English one and then be all, ‘I learned German before you, I’ll prove it, pick a random page of this book and I’ll translate it.’

    And then I will and I’ll look so smart.

    Until she asks me to read it in German and I’ll horribly mispronounce every single word.

  394. Good Luck on the rest of the tour, hope you don’t have to scrap barnacles off the boats. I’d like the English version if you have one available with your signature on it 🙂 Please and Thank you!

  395. German version. I can’t read German, but I want to pretend I can on airplanes so that I can make people not talk to me by being all “Ich spreche nicht Englisch”

  397. I am afraid I do not read German, put I do a fair job reading English. And I love to laugh. Please and thank-you.

  398. Would totally love to read the extra bits. In English. Will eventually buy the paperback to do so (finances aren’t allowing it at the moment). Winning it would be awesome.

  399. I have e version and hardback, both in English. I would love the German one please

  402. Me, me, me!!! (You can’t see me, but I’m waving really hard.) English copy please!

  404. Aah!!! I want a autographed something…book, paper, taxidermy…. Whatever. I’m so not picky.

  405. I bought your book in January and gave it to a friend for Christmas and the lucky recipient, despite having torn through it, LOL’ing on the plane all the way home, even messaging me about how great it was, has ignored several pointed hints to share the love and lend it back to me so I can read it too! So what I’m trying to say is, save me from my Indian-giving self. I really need this book. English please and thank you. 🙂

  406. Jenny, I met you in Phoenix over the summer….I was likely your only female bald fan at the signing. Still battling cancer, and I won’t be able to make it due to fatigue from chemo and radiation. Enjoy the gorgeous weather, and hopefully we can meet again next book tour…
    Bummed but kickin’ cancer’s ass,
    Michelle

  407. You’re so pretty, Jenny 😉 You need to come back to N Texas, but come to Ft Worth this time. It’s way more fun than Dallas.

  408. I would love one!! I would even take one in German. I still remember German from my high school days, well I remember a lot of the swear words. So should be fine!! ! 😉

  409. I would love a German one! I don’t speak or read it but I think your book would be the coolest, funnest, most entertaining way to learn!

  411. Since I lived and studied in Germany for three years (and speak German fluently), and I recommend your awesome book to all my German friends, an autographed German version would find a lovely home in my brain-pan 🙂 Bitte?

  412. I’ll take German or English because I’m a language whore! Or Sprachen Schlampe!

  413. I want a copy of the new paperback version! Preferably English, but you know, whatever…

  414. Would love an English copy but German would be great too. Thanks for making my bad days better. Your the best therapy I’ve ever tried.

  416. Could you send me the english paperback version please? It’s kind of impossible to get it in the country I live in 🙁 Do you know anyone else in Hungary, who reads your awesome blog? It would be nice to meet them!

  417. I never enter contests, but I am, so…. so much for that. I would love an autographed copy of your English book. I love your blog. I have to be honest and say I have not bought and read your book yet, and I intend to. A bloggy friend of mine just posted that she met you at your book tour in her area and bought the book (even though she already had it on kindle) just to get your autograph. You are one of her heroes. I already told her I was going to finally buy your books, since I’ve been following you about a year now…so I will be buying them soon on the slim chance I don’t win this contest. (hahaha.) I link people to your blog sometimes too, because you crack me up, and I know you will crack them up. I don’t tell them I also relate to you because you are more than that – which I’m sure is why you have such a great sense of humor, too. I think we learn humor to get us through the crappy stuff! (Some people just are better at humor that EVERYONE finds funny, than others!!) I just lurve you. 🙂 Even if (by some wild chance! ;-D) I don’t win…wanted to thank you for all the laughter and inspiration. Okay, mostly for the laughter. ;-D But the blog on world suicide prevention day for instance, that was da bomb, too. I wrote a blog after reading yours that day because you inspired me to…then I got embarrassed and deleted it, lol. Oh well, maybe next year. 🙂 I did link people to your blog, instead. 🙂 I worried I over-disclosed in mine. 🙂 I’m a newb blogger – not going to link my blog even. Well, enough ramblin. THANK YOU for starting so many of my days with a good laugh. I have a peeping tomcat too. 🙂 But my bathroom is smaller, so he whacks my toes. It is VERY SMALL, claustrophobically so. Not going to post a pic. My cat loves the challenge to play toe-whack-a-mole while I try to avoid the claws and get my business done.

  419. Oh, that reminds me….some employee at a gas station found two eyes sitting on a box this week…..so, I guess we have the eye part covered here in K.C.
    Oh, and I forgot…. Pick me…Pick Me…..cause my dumb husband would not go with me to see you when you were in KC.

  420. Oooh – I want one in German so I look like a smarty pants! I could memorize the English version and make it look like I can read German! Please come visit us in our tint town with an amazing indie bookstore – Battenkill Books – you have a very big fan club here!

  421. I would love, love, love, love, love a copy of your book in English, pretty please.

    <3

  422. Oh please oh please oh please pick me! I have the Ebook but I want the real thing!!!!!

  423. I loved your book. I loved giving your book as a gift and if I win another, I will gift this one, too – after reading the extra chapter.

    Thank you for being differently sane in print, giving hope and solace to those others of us who are in the same boat in different places or may be in copies of your boat in other places or in our own weird boats in other places. Whatever – thanks!

  424. English copy please, my cat is creepy enough without German literature in the house.

  425. Does it come in Italian? I’d be all over that one if it was. If not English works for me too. I so wanted to go on April Fool’s Day but my nephew had to go and schedule a wedding, like that is really more important. Can’t wait to see you on the 2nd though.
    -Gina-

  426. You are totally awesome and I missed seeing you with my friends when you came to Ohio b/c I just had a baby, but I want a signed copy of your book even though I couldn’t make it because I read it on my kindle and loved it. And it would cheer me up. And give me something to read when I’m up in the middle of the night feeding a newborn/cleaning poop off of myself/convincing my toddler to go back to bed even though mommy is awake and there really is no secret baby party she is being excluded from.

  427. p.s. English would be more useful, but I forgot to say it. I always forget to say something, which is why people yell – what are you saying – because I remember to say it after I am out of audible distance, sigh.

  428. I so need the paperback, I only have an e copy with your signed jacket sticker that I just permanently stuck to the inside of my kindle cover!

  429. I would love a copy in German! I am a teacher of German at the university level and I think it’d be super awesome to be able to show my students something they might actually be interested in picking up. I also study translations into German so this would be super helpful for my own thesis work. 🙂

  431. I love this book and would love the English paperback to go with my hardback. I love being part of your tribe!

  433. Oh I want the German copy please. I have the English and love love love it. I like the pic on the German version. You totally need to do a reading at Canyon Lake library. Shake things up here in the heart of Texas.

  434. I’d love an English copy. I was the first person to check my library’s copy out when they got it in last year, and I haven’t yet purchased my own copy. But it’s on my To Do list!

  435. I would like the English copy so I can read the extra chapters. Read the ebook on my Ipad the first time around!

  436. I wish I could see the book tour, sadly that is not meant to be, unless i win the lotto lol. Chances of that would be improved by buying a ticket of course. I’d love to win an english copy of the paperback and a CD by Acid Black Cherry should you have an extra lining around : D.

  437. My last name is German. I cannot read German. I should be named English, but sadly I’m not, but that’s the copy I’d prefer.

  438. First, I totally read that as eyeless feces in a box and it in no way struck me as out-of-place. Then, my eyes focused and I felt ashamed.
    I’d be extra happy with the English paperback. 🙂

  439. I’d love a copy in English. I’m planning to buy it with by April “book allowance,” but then I could pass one copy on to my sister.

    But maybe if you sent me the German, I could teach myself to speak another language? And then I could go to Germany and speak to people, and they would wonder why I kept talking about zombies and murder and stuff. And I would probably inadvertently use a lot of profanity, right?

  440. English please! (It took me three tries to spell “English” correctly. Wow)

  442. O, please pick me! If not for my fabulous email name then for the fact that my boyfriend eerily sounds like Victor. (He even admits it.)

  443. I’d love a signed copy of your book in English! I bought mine way ahead of time on my kindle but the pictures aren’t as good in there as in a real book!

  444. Gah! You’ll be in San Jose on my birthday, and I was just there two weeks ago!

    German or English, I don’t care. I could always brush up on that high school German…yeah, I’m sure I remember a ton.

  445. I would love a proper copy, ebook is nice but just not the same 🙂

  447. Please, the English copy, to make up for the disappointment of you not coming anywhere near me on this tour.

  448. I would totally love the English version. 😀 If you sent me the German version, I’d have to send it to a guy I know in Germany to translate it, and I don’t know how long he would take to do that, so it really would be better to just send me the English one. 😀

    Also, I totally would come, BUT YOU ARE TOO FAR AWAY. Plus my partner wouldn’t drive me because he would have to stay home looking after the foster puppy and I think my legs would get tired walking from AUSTRALIA to AMERICA. Also I would probably drown because I’m not a very good swimmer at all. And then the sharks would eat me and there would be no foster mummy for the foster puppy it would be ALL YOUR FAULT.
    On the plus side, I would probably make it, even if only in pieces in a shark’s belly, but you could taxiderm me like a three dimensional jigsaw and put me on display and then I would always be there. Watching you.

  450. I would love the German copy. I’ve bought all the American versions plus the ebook!

  451. I would gladly accept any version you’d be willing part with, provided your inscription is in English. That is really the important part for anyone who has read the book ;). -Tami A.

  452. Do you have a version in hieroglyphics? I have the English version on my Kindle, and it would be a very cool way to learn hieroglyphics. Plus, I am dying to see what “…and whenever I had menstrual cramps, I could just pretend that Voldemort was close.” looks like in hieroglyphics. And now, so are you.

  453. I would love a German copy!!!!!! And I even vaguely speak German so I could kind of muddle through it (with lots of help from my German to English dictionary)

  454. I totally live between San Francisco and San Jose, so you’d think I’d be able to technically come see you twice, WHICH I TOTALLY WOULD, except on the 31st my fiance and I are moving to Austin, TX. SO BASICALLY, on the 1st when you visit SF, we’ll be driving towards your state while you (I’m assuming) are flying to my state. And then April 3rd when you’re in San Jose will by our first day waking up in our new home. You’re coming to my state and I’m coming to yours! BUT OMG THE TIMING KILLS.

    But past that, you’re totally awesome and now you should go to Austin, TX next!
    Also, I’d like a copy of your paperback book! I already have a hard cover version, but I TOTALLY want the paperback for the extra chapter! BUT if you pick me, you should surprise me with what language you send, cuz if you send it in English I’ll love it forever, and if you send it in German I’ll try to read it out loud with terrible pronunciation to my fiance, and THEN I’ll mail it to one of my dearest friends in San Diego, because she took a German class, so this would be great fun and practice for her! And learning how to say vagina in German seems right up her alley. 8D

  455. I would love to go to one of your book signings but unless you want to arrange a tour to New Zealand, it’s going to be an impossibility.

  456. I’d love the German copy. I have a miniature dachshund, so that makes sense, right?

  457. I’m totally getting in on the barnacle giveaway. Wait, rereading… English paperback, please and thank you!

  458. I would like the German one please. I need to send it to my German sister in law, maybe then she will understand what humor is…

  459. What I want is something funny to read in six weeks, once I’ve given birth and am in tears and pajamas for two weeks. Thanks! 🙂

  461. I would like an English copy please. Also, I have a car chicken named Karl.

  463. Hell yeah! I’d take either. I need to brush up on my German anyways…..

  464. English copy would be awesome, but honestly, would take either 🙂

    trippyjanet at gmail dot com

  466. I already have 2 copies of your hard-cover book (1 signed, 1 not (for lending)), so I don’t need another, but I wanted to comment to say that I am so excited you are coming back to AZ! I loved your last signing and can’t wait to see what fun and funky stuff you are presented with. Also, I had a total panic attack while waiting to meet you so when they offered to snap a photo, I ran away, so I’m not going to do that this time. I hope, anyway 🙂 See you in a few!

  467. Website I am not that cool… I want a day in my life when I don’t think, “Self why did you just say/do that? Was that a brain fart or did you just pull random thoughts out of the muddled mess you have up there. No you clearly thought and said that/ or did that, way to go you sure know how to make people look at you weird.”

    PS I also want to send you a “I cant keep calm because I have anxiety” t-shirt, but I don’t know your size and I don’t have your address and it is slightly stalkerish to ask for it since really we are complete strangers, although you did put your hand up my shirt in Dayton. (No Jenny it was to sign my shirt don’t think dirty like that, you did not do that with me, I was not your escort for the night!!)

    PPS I totally went home and framed the short cause that night I went around being ridiculous, fearing I would spill something on the shirt and then would have to wash it which would cause the signature to fade and then what was the point of having it signed in the first place. But then I realized I loved that shirt and I am totally upset I cant wear it anymore and it seems so wrong to have a shirt you can’t wear, so who was the genius who thought of getting Jenny Lawson to sign it!!!! Oh wait that was me way to go me! Anyways I was thinking of getting myself another shirt and was thinking I want to get you one too. So there you go!

  469. But I *can* read German…I don’t think I’ve forgotten how…a copy in German would be awesome! So I want that! And some springness with leafing trees and green grass and NO MORE SNOW. And to be healthy. Anyway, hi Jenny. 🙂

  470. I would love an English version. Even if the super fogged brain of mine can only read a couple of pages at a time.

  471. howdy! Texan in Maine here and I’d love the English version. I only know “danke schoen”-thanks Wayne newton and Matthew Broderick!

  472. Yes, please. In German please (…not that I can read it). I just need to have it like a box full of eyeless faces.
    E xo

  473. Hi Jenny!

    I would love to win a German copy of your book.
    But not for me. (I already have a copy of your book.)
    For my friend, Aoife.
    She did a double arts degree in German and Computer Programming, and is always looking for awesome books to read in German.
    She introduced me to the wonders of the song “Das ist nicht zwanzig centimeter” a song about the German language, the metric system and penile length.

    She taught me the German for lube (Schmiermittel) and is always willing to teach me German curse words. Could there be a better friend? I think not!

    I feel the world owes her a great debt for these incomparable services. Also, her birthday is coming up soon and it would certainly brighten up this momentous event (it will be, after all, her 27th birthday and I believe the traditional gift for your 27th birthday is a signed foreign language book)

    Sai.

  474. Ich kann sprechen Deutsch! …ein bisschen! Darf ich das Buch? Bitte? 😀

  475. I would take your book in any language!!!!! Although I only read English…

  480. I would absolutely LOVE a copy! Plus I speak some German so it’s all good! Ich benign googl schrieber! That means I am a pen, I think. So I’m all set if your entire book is just you calling yourself a pen over and over again… On second thought maybe the English is a better choice…. Yeah I think I’d rather the English. Not that there’s anything wrong with the German one. I prefer the German cover to the English one. It’s like a hairy pink Sasquatch. So yea, it’s awesome. If I saw a hairy pink Sasquatch in the wild I’m not sure if I’d scream or laugh. Maybe a combination. That would be a funny sound to hear. AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHH it would be interesting. I mean it’s scary, but it’s pink, which is AWESOME. Yea so in conclusion, the English one is my preference

  481. Please write this inscription in my English version: “To Andrea, my favorite dead squirrel in a Ritz box.” I laughed my ass off imaging it 🙂

  483. A German copy would be amazing! I figure I can use the English copy I have to teach myself some fun German words.

  484. Congratulations on your success! I enjoyed your book so much! I picked it up while waiting for my son’s strep throat prescription at the grocery store– medicine for fighting said infection, that is, not actual strep-throat– but anyway, I couldn’t help snickering loudly. I hunted a copy down at the library and had to keep setting it down as I cried from laughing. I can’t decide if you’ve influenced me to work in HR or to avoid it at all costs… I loaned my library copy to a friend and need to buy more copies to lend to my husband and another friend. Thank you for being so snarky and sarcastic. Such a relief and a joy to read! If I am worthy of an autographed copy, I prefer English. Some day, I may do German, but I’m still working on English half the time.

  485. I would love a copy of the German version!!! That way my oma can read it with me! (me reading the english version, of course) 😀

  486. I’d love a copy in english please! Thanks for the continual laughs and inspiration! I hope the rest of your tour goes really well!

  487. COOKIE!!!! I want a cookie!!! oh crap, no sorry….uhh, a copy of your book would be better than a cookie. ccccooookkkkiiiieeeeee….

  488. Meine liebste Jenny, ich würde eine unterschriebene Kopie Ihres fabelhaften Buch in englischer Sprache lieben, bitte, da ich nicht in der deutschen nicht zu lesen.
    Ich würde gerne Kletten mit Sie kratzen, aber leider bin ich in Florida.
    Happy Easter!

    (english please)
    <3

  490. Oh and also I love reading your blog! You are so crazy funny! I may have to steal your coyote and your bobcat because they are amazing. Have you considered a career in giving dead animals makeovers? Because you’d be amazing at it! (Had to write this extra comment because I really want a signed copy and I realized in my entire paragraph I didn’t even compliment you once. Talk about the worst suck up EVER.)

  491. I am one of those people that do not post on things like this because I never win and it makes me feel defeated and sad. I decided to post anyway because I love your book and you’re my blogger hero (you a hero to a lot of us out here)!! Plus, maybe this will motivate me to learn German!… But probably not. But, it will make me feel more sophisticated and I can use it as leverage to convince people that I *can* read German. They will think I am mighty smart… or a liar. It depends how drunk they are and how convincing I am.

  492. I can’t read german, but I have several german friends who would love it. Plus I left my signed bookplate in a library book, (insert sad face) so really, I deserve it. Right?

  493. I am DEFINITELY attending the Danville, CA appearance! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!

    I would so love to have the German copy .. my oldest daughter (in Seattle, WA) is teaching herself German and is beside herself with disappointment that she can’t fly down here to see you in person. She is an avid follower of your blog and, in fact, told *me* about you. 🙂 (In fact, all 3 of my daughters are fanatic fans of yours. At times,they are simply fanatics. Kinda like you, only in training. 🙂 )

  495. Hi Jenny!
    I would love the English version, if possible (though there is NO WAY I would turn up my nose at a German version, because in theory I’m able to speak it).
    The German cover looks very cool – Hamlet von Schnitzel looks like he is trying even harder to cast a spell 😀

  496. I’d love an English copy. I loaned mine to a friend. She keeps claiming she will send it back. I think I’ve been had.

  497. I would love an english copy cause my small tiny library will never get another version most likely. And I am jobless and can’t afford to buy it

  499. My sister-in-law who I love is fluent in German but rarely gets to use it. Please, if I win, make it the German one so she thinks she’s lost something in the translation.

  500. I would like a German one, just so that people who don`t know any better think I am all intellectual and stuff!

  501. “Sorry don’t speak German” <—in German. I'd love an English version.

  504. I know your trips are probably planned down to the minute, but if you do have any time at all to enjoy San Francisco, here are two places to check out:

    Francis Ford Coppola’s pizza place:
    http://www.cafecoppola.com/cafezoetrope/
    Not only is it amazing pizza, in an amazing historic building….he actually eats there too! And he’s sweet about giving autograph’s….perhaps he’d like to have yours too!

    Also, if you ever get a chance, you should have lunch or high tea at The Rotunda in Neiman Marcus. It is a little spendy, but surprisingly not snooty or intimidating. If you’re time pressed, make a reservation…although you can just show up. No matter what you order, you get a starter of a teeny tiny cup of consommé…and the most heavenly GIANT popovers. It’s truly divine!

    Have fun!!!

  505. signed german copy would be in.cred.ible.

    Have so much fun on those tour dates!!

  506. Congrats on remaining on the bestseller list!!! I want a copy of your book in English and paperback so I can have the extra chapter. My mother misplaced my original copy and she replaced it with a hardback copy before I had a chance to tell her that I would super be okay with paperback. 🙁

  507. I would LOVE a copy of your book! Although I did take german in school, I would prefer the English copy. Your blog is so awesome!

  508. I would love an english version! I really realy wish I could have made it to a signing, but I live in the sticks and it wasn’t in the cards!

  509. Bummed that you won’t share the eyeless faces, but would love the English version of your book! Have fun at the barnacle scrapping!

  511. what I would love is a martini but I would really loovveee the English version of the book~~I have the ebook and apparently am missing some good stuff 🙂

  512. I can never make it to any book signings, but I’d love to be able to go “neener neener neener” to my friends who can with an autographed English copy 🙂

  513. I would love an English version! It would take me way too long to type the whole book into Google Translate to read the German version.

  514. I want the German, just because my classes at UT back in the 70’s never taught me the ‘Deutsche’ for “Knock, knock, motherfucker!”.

  517. I would *love* an actual book vs digital book. I’ll look way cooler with it on my shelf. or crazy. either way it’s fine

  520. I wish you were coming to the southeast (namely: FL). I constantly barrage Andrew with excerpts from your blog, read aloud, usually while he is trying to read. He says he empathized with Victor completely. I had purchased a sample of your book for my Kindle, and I never got to read it, because Andrew stole it and read the sample first. Then he began to return fire with excerpts from the sample while I was trying to read. Can you believe that? Who would interrupt someone who was reading, right? It was ALL he could talk about, so I bought him the hardcover for his birthday. You are now his very favorite author. Also, he now doesn’t find me nearly as much of a nutter, since I pointed out that I could TOTALLY put roadkill in a Ritz cracker box, but I don’t… because I love him. So… thank you. =)

  521. I would love a paperback copy I have an e-book. I’d prefer an English copy but hell I’ll take what I can get. How cool would it be if I learned German because of you book.

  522. Me please! I’ve given my first copy away! Would love to have and autographed. One! English preferably but hey beggars can’t be choosers right!? 😉

  523. Pick me, pick me! English because I’m not smart enough to speak German 🙂

  524. Is there a Pig Latin version? What about Elvish? I would definitely love either of those but if not regular English is still cool.

  525. I’d love either. I used to know some German. And most days I speak English fluently.

  526. English would be fab so I can continue to spread the love for you here in Idaho!! Congrats on the NYT success <3

  527. 1. I just learned what THE DIVA CUP was today. Did you know about these? WHY. DIDN’T. YOU . WARN. US? No words.
    2. My office-mate played “It’s Friday” by Fraulein Black all day (yes, ironically). I fought back with the Mashup of “Head Like a Hole” and “Call Me Maybe.” It’s called “Call Me A Hole.” Did you tell us about this? I actually like it.
    3. One of my best girlfriends gave me her “fat pants” yesterday because she lost 20 pounds in 8 weeks from some crazed juice-a-young-virgin-and-eat-the-strained-remnants-through-a-Bane-mask diet. I kind of wish she had quietly given them to GoodWill. Is that wrong?
    4. I feel like an autographed copy of your book would make this all better. And since you are the Pope, and it is Easter soon, if I won it, I could give up my Lent-sacrifices one day early. (I gave up making sacrifices for Lent.)

    THANK YOU EASTER BUNNY! BAWK, BAWK, MOTHERFUCKERS!

  528. I’m going to be in SF on the 5th….please come back! okay I will have to settle for reading your excellent book again 🙂 English plz!!!

  529. Loved the e book!!! Would love to read the extra chapters in paper book copy. I only want the eyeless faces if I can create back stories for hem and give them names, but not there real names. No one must ever know the eyeless people’s true identity.