Vengeance is a dish best served with inflatable horns.

Remember a couple of days ago when I told you how Hunter S. Thomcat won’t let me pee in peace?  Yeah.  That’s why I don’t feel terribly bad about putting this inflatable unicorn horn on him while he was napping.  And also, he’s a cat and that’s what cats are there for.

In my defense, I was just going to take a super-quick picture of him asleep, but then when I was turning on my phone to take the picture he woke up and was like “What the fuck?  WHAT HAPPENED?”

And then he got kind of cocky.

This cat has serious swag.

And he was totally bad-ass about it for about 30 seconds until the other cats started staring at him with wide eyes and then he was like, “WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?  OMG, IS THERE A BEE ON MY HEAD?  BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE THERE’S A BEE ON MY HEAD.”  And I told him to calm down but he totally didn’t because I couldn’t stop laughing at him, and then it just got more ridiculous and I had to sit down on the ground to collect myself.

He’s bluffing.

And then Victor came in and was like “What are you doing?  What is on the cat?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and I was all “Uh…SURPRISE!  We could only afford one party hat.  Sorry.  I’m terrible at party planning.”

And then Victor walked out of the room because apparently he doesn’t like parties or unicorns.  Honestly, it’s amazing that we ever got together in the first place.

PS. I have another unicorn story but I don’t have time to tell you all about it because I’m moving a few miles away this week and that means I have 1400 tiny glass animals, 32 taxidermied animals, and three live animals to pack up.  And a lot of shit to put on eBay.  Like boxes of faces, haunted mortuary doves, and monkey hands.  Things you need.  I’ll keep you posted.

241 thoughts on “Vengeance is a dish best served with inflatable horns.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Are you moving to a bigger house so you can accomodate more taxidermied things? ‘Cause that would totally be my move.

  2. You should probably explain to Victor that you did not just dress up Hunter S Tomcat with a horn, you created a whole new hybrid species of animal and now EVERYONE is going to want a caticorn

  3. And I can’t believe I’m the first comment. Being in England has SOME advantages….I guess.

  4. Oh my word, I heart you so much. Also? My cat would’ve beaten the crap out of me if I had tried that!

  5. So whya moving? I was going to invent some long-winded question to hide my curiosity. But reslly? I’m just plain nosy.

    (Couple of reasons but mainly to be closer to the grandparents, to have a place that Victor’s grandmother can come live with us if necessary, and because I have someone who thinks he knows me (he doesn’t and I’m sure is very lovely when medicated) who makes me nervous about living out in the country since Victor is away often. The new house is much older and needs a lot of work but it’s gated and so I don’t have to worry as much. ~ Jenny)

  6. I will be waiting to see if this giant cat head phallic hat will be landing on ebay this week. if so I hope you use this picture to advertise it.
    Good luck packing!

  7. I had a monkey hand once. I was in 5th grade and the science teacher was just going to THROW IT AWAY. What the hell?! It was a perfectly good monkey hand.

    So I took it home and put it in the freezer.

    My mother was… not of the same mind regarding monkey hands as I was. Unfortunately she thought more like the science teacher did.

    I swear. Grownups just don’t know the value of a good monkey hand.

  8. Why o why are you moving??

    Also, can you move to Wisconsin?? My neighbors are moving (we lived here for 2 weeks before their for rent sign went up….) I could get you their number 😀

  9. Ugh, men. They NEVER understand important things like unicorns. It’s a wonder any woman ever ends up with any man.

  10. I definitely need a monkey hand in my life, post those Ebay links when you start selling stuff!

  11. I tried to buy this for my cat but my hubby said he would have me committed if I did… I still may….

  12. Hunter S Thomcat looks just like my college kitty, Caesar. except for the unihorn. that part looks like my all time wanted pet…

    sending positive packing and smooth moving (um…??) thoughts to your animals. off to open a new window for constantly refreshing eBay…

  13. Omg moving, that’s a lot of things to move…also better to pack them up yourself than endure the judgey stares from those moving company dudes.

  14. LOL he’s the only living thing on the planet- yes i’m including humans and animals alike in that statement- who can make a unicorn horn the size of his body look rather distinguished. Well, maaaybe tyra could. Way to smize, H.S.T., way to smize.

  15. bahahaha. “I’m going to pee on your bed so hard” should totally catch on as the new Angry Pet Meme or something. Now I want to go home and dress my cat up just so I can participate. *sinister plotting*

  16. I read that as boxes of feces. And I didn’t re-read right away because I thought,hm, that sounds about right.

  17. I love it! I saw this same cat unicorn horn and told my husband I will be getting for our cats (I also warned our cats). He has tried to talk me out of the idea, but seeing the result of the awesomeness, it will be happening!

    Good luck with the move, I personally hate moving and packing and everything that comes before and after it.

  18. Is it just me or does the first photo look like the unicorn horn is wrapped in a giant condom? What would unicorns need horn condoms for anyway? What do they do with those horns?!!! Great. Here we hold unicorns up as some ultra-pure animal when they’re really deviants of the highest order. I don’t know whether to be disappointed in a childhood innocence shattered or impressed with unicorn creativity.

  19. I was being totally efficient and multi tasking (wasting time) while talking on the phone with the computer helper guys at work…reading this post at the same time. All was okay until I got to the photo of the unicorn horn and then I had to explain why I was giggling and choking on my coffee. Basically I just want to thank you for making up for the whole “I had to dig my car out from a foot of snow on a Monday morning in April” thingy. ?

  20. I should know better then to take a gulp of coffee while reading your blog. I will be scouring Ebay for your crap. I mean treasures. I WANT them!

  21. Forget eBay, you should have an online yard sale. Your fans will probably pick the site clean in minutes!

  22. As TechyDad(#31) my first thought was that it was a condom. A taxidermied condom at that, but then I remembered that my brain is scrambled these days and that I can’t trust it.

    I’m glad you’re moving to a house where you’ll be more safe.

  23. I need to tell you this story because it totally actually happened. Just now.

    (Last week)
    My friend Carly: *Gives me wrapped present from recent travels*
    Me: *Opens it to find unicorn horn hat for cats* OMG, this is amazing!!! But you should have bought two of them.
    Carly: So we could send one to The Bloggess?
    Me: YES.

    (About 30 seconds ago)
    Me: *opens email from Carly*
    Carly: BLOGGESS. NOW. Also, 1. We are soulmates. 2. We are soulmates with the bloggess. 3. I am the best gift-giver ever.

  24. Have you ever seen the website ‘Stuff on my cat’? It’s awesome and has a million pictures of people putting stuff on their cats. Hilarious!!
    Good luck on the move. Packing sucks.

  25. I totally understand the need for the move. I would be all freaked out by that.

    I love the Caticorn. That is awesome!!

  26. Tell HST(or U, whatev) that if he pees hard that’s usually an indicator of kidney stones, which are NOT FUN!

  27. Someone should tell Hunter S. that he’s wearing that codpiece on the wrong head.

  28. Are you putting Copernicus up for sale? Or Beyonce?

    These are scary thoughts!

    Will you tell us why you’re moving down the road a piece?

  29. I thought Beyonce had become a beehive-is he/she/it going with you?

    (He’s coming even if it means we have to bug-bomb him. ~ Jenny)

  30. Omg I can’t stop laughing. Prolly cuz I can totally visualize it. Thanks in large part to the great pics. Plus, unlike Victor and Dale (my own hubby), I totally get you. Lolol

  31. I needed that laugh this morning. I just have to say I love your posts. Good luck packing!!

  32. I have a card in my possession in which you state that I am a real unicorn…probably (?)…Boom! Also…you can move in with my family if you need to. I will move the kids into the shed…

  33. I’m not the only one that thinks his “unicorn horn ” is a sex toy, right ?

  34. are you moving to dallas please say you are moving to dallas.

    (Nope. The outskirts of San Antonio. ~ Jenny)

  35. Post pictures of the mortuary doves and monkey hands. I’m serious. I’ll pay for shipping and everything. I need something for my mother for mother’s day.

  36. Dude, two words.

    Hire. Packers.

    And then hire movers, but first hire packers. And tell the stalker to knock that shit off. That ain’t right.

  37. So the collecting of taxidermied animals started after 2008 then, since they’re not in the article you’re linking too 🙂

  38. OMG…this is part of our plan( me and my sister) part a of the plan is to put underwear on the squirrels… Yes underwear because we seen some cute squirrel panties at Good Girl Art because they have all sorts of cool shit like that. And part b is to put blow up unicorn horns on all the cats.

  39. I clicked on the link and I’m almost certain you bought the human version of the inflatable unicorn horn, not the cat version (by scale); not complaining. Awesome, in fact. Also, the look on model cat’s face on Amazon is well worth a view. He/she’s not as expressive as HST tho. I might actually need one of those…if I didn’t already have a Unicorn Success Club mug. That’s enough unicorn in the house for my hubby.

  40. QUIT GIVING LOCATION INFORMATION! The craz- um severely interested see it as a challenge. (sorry – maternial instincts running amok) (take that! denying offspring. See! I do SO have maternal instincts)

  41. I hope you have a place in the new yard for Beyonce to peek into Victor’s office….but if that amazing metal bird is in your Ebay pile….PLEASE let me have first dibs. I’ll find something fabulous and taxidermied to trade you for him. 😉

  42. Our beloved cat passed away five months ago. We are looking to adopt another cat because our family is not complete without one. No one makes you laugh like a cat. Although you come close, Jenny.

  43. Unicorns are very cool. A unicorn cat is even cooler. I suffer in jealous silence because I have neither 🙁

  44. “And a lot of shit to put on eBay. Like boxes of faces, haunted mortuary doves, and monkey hands. ”

    Oh, holy crap.
    TAKE MY MONEY.

  45. Does the chicken at least get to go with you to the new house? I sure hope so! I think Victor would be sad if it didn’t make the trip 🙂

  46. OMG!! I totally need something that you would put on ebay!! My book club would be jealous! Well, maybe not, but my friend Michelle might be jealous. Inflatable unicorn horn on the cat, complete awesomeness!! Good luck with the move! 🙂

  47. Sorry about the creepy guy. Sounds nice to be closer to family though, and old and lots of work sounds very exciting too. Good luck with the move!

    (And thanks for answering my question! I didn’t think you would, but I just HAVE to be the person who says what everyone wants to say (but you know, other people have manners))

  48. ! What is wrong with men? First they’re pissed when you don’t get excited about things that stand up all unicorn-like and then they’re pissed when you do.. WTF?

    PS Stoked you’re moving to SA – this town needs more sane, rational, totally social people like us. 😉

  49. That made me laugh so hard since I am currently dealing with an unruly goat aka the Unigoraffe (part unicorn, part goat, part giraffe – possibly) who has no problem peeing (and everything else) all over the place. I will ship him to you and maybe you could just let him run around the yard at your old house? Or maybe taxidermy him? (Pretty please!) Or, I could trade you for the cat.

  50. So, first I was going to ask if you were bringing Beyonce, but then I was kind and read all the comments and saw the girl who said if you put Beyonce on EBay she would totally buy him/her/it. and then it occurred to me: Beyonce is so famous that he/she/it could probably sell for a lot of money. Like at a big fancy auction! So you should have her/him/it insured before the move just in case. And when Victor is all “Why?” you can say “Knock, knock, mother-fucker, I’m your retirement fund!” And then he can love Beyonce too!
    Oh, and please can you share a picture of Beyonce in the moving truck!

  51. Don’t forget Beyonce. Unless you’re putting Beyonce up on e-bay, at which point, we need a link. On that note, we need links to everything you’re putting on ebay.

  52. I just thought Victor might’ve gotten into your top drawer and was trying to be cute with your personal things by strapping them onto unsuspecting felines. Then I decided you were way more of a woman than I am. Or ever wanna be. Then I read the blog.

    My cat wouldn’t sit still for one of those. He’d run amok and bonk the other cats. Well except for the youngest, Gracie…she’s in heat. I’m fairly certain she’d be chasing him and that horn all over the house. Or backing up to him (why do they do that backing up crap?) meowing plaintively…like a cat in heat. She’d probably like that horn.

    Way too much naughty in my poor brain today. Sigh. I need a man. Hopefully without an inflatable unicorn horn.

    Oh if you feel the need for another animal hand I can get you a deal on a squirrel hand.

  53. OMG. You have Key to the Kingdom cards (saw the picture of them in the chron.com article you linked). I have NEVER met anyone who had even heard of them much less owned a deck. I thought I had to be the ONLY one. and I bought mine soooo long ago. Must have been 1993?

  54. I won’t be able to sleep until I know what “haunted mortuary doves” are. dang. you. dang you all to heck.

  55. With that size glass managerie you can sit around waiting for a gentleman caller..

    You can now tell my middle school English teacher to change my grade on my book report. 12 years later.

  56. I MUST have one (or three) of those horns for my kitties. I went to order one a few weeks ago and several sites were all sold out.

  57. I almost got one of those for my winged kitten (Petunia Darnell McSweetiepants), but it was way too big. She just a kitten, so it would have covered her entire face, and she would have ended up flying into the walls. I don’t think my vet would find that very amusing, so I am in the process of constructing a small horn for her.

    P.S. I want the monkey hands.

  58. I recently purchased my niece and nephew an inflatable beard (amoung other bizarre things, because I’m “THAT” aunt) that would go quite nicely with that unicorn horn.

  59. Everyone knows that sassy caticorns are the best companions to help with any and all mental afflictions! But not moving. Caticorns are shit for helping you move–worse than old college roommates.

  60. OMG, that’s hilarious! I just snorted at my desk and made my co-workers look at me as if I had a horn on my head like Hunter. I must learn to not read your blog at work 🙂

  61. okay. that “unicorn horn” kinda looks really phallic and i think that’s why he was so pissed at you. because if someone put something that kinda really phallic on my head i’d probably be all, “hey motherfucker. what is WRONG with you???” and i want to buy some heads, so i hope you will keep us posted. (wow, i’ve waited a long time to type that sentence on the internet….but, really not long enough.)

  62. You are so going to have to send that poor cat to a therapist and I’ll be happy to help. Just put some of that fabulous art glass on eBay. I can not pass up art glass. Miniature glass animals not so much since I have several possessed demon cats. But so far they have not figured out how to get on the ultra high plate rails containing all of my art glass.

  63. I love the caticorn – I couldn’t get close enough to my napping cat to get that thing on her head. Also, I hope you find a bitchin’ spot for Beyonce in the new digs!

  64. So not putting my blog. Why bother? Hasn’t changed in weeks. Sharing it is depressing. So, thank you for posting Mr. Caticorn. Helped my mood substatially. :0)

    So you reasons for moving don’t sound all that fabulous. Necessary. But not as cool as… oh… you made a million from the sales of your ultra fab book and you are moving to LA where you will have the biggest baddest bathroom to hide in when you throw extra ultra fab parties that I will still be way too far away to go to….

    You know what? Moving closer to family to get away from creepy stalker types sound wonderful. :0)

    PS I truly regret not getting out of my own bathroom to see you the two times you were in the SF area. Looking forward to your ebay sales though. ;0)

  65. My wife & I moved from Pflugerville to Cedar Park this weekend.
    At least I won’t have to spell the town – Every Time I amd asked where I live.
    C’est la vie – OH WAIT, this is Texas – Shit happens.

  66. Dang. Where did that “d” in “am” come from?
    Ghost fingers strike!

  67. I totally changed my mind. I might need that box of faces after all. It seems that my box of Farrah Fawcett heads is lonely.

  68. I collect glass animals, too, like Laura in The Glass Menagerie, which features a unicorn!

    I don’t think that’s actually a unicorn horn, is it?

  69. so is that the real reason you took the christmas tree down? because you’re moving? because that i totally believe. this whole “i’m so together i took the tree down before summer” thing just wasn’t flying with me. sorry.

  70. Hunter S Thomcat is giving Friedrich a run for his money…don’t think I can hang your cat on my wall. Nope. Can’t. Gonna stick with my insane unicorn and move on. Hugs to Hunter S Thomcat. (No harm meant in the posting of this comment.)

  71. Victor grandmother is not going to keel over at the site of a cat with a “unicorn” on its head?

  72. I need me some monkey hands – let us know when you list it.
    Also, I’m afraid your cat is so mad he’s going to find all of us that just laughed at his picture and pee on OUR beds… but maybe that will keep him kind of busy while you move…

  73. Doesn’t it seem unfair that moving a few miles is just as much trouble as moving across the country?

  74. You might want to hire professional movers, like the museum quality kind, for the taxidermied animals. I can imagine Victor letting a couple of those bounce off the back of the truck!

  75. I feel like I must wish you strength in moving, whew! I have done it so many times and hope I can stay put where I am for a while. I am sooooo lazy.

  76. I’ve always been more of a dog person, but this post puts a pretty weighty check mark in the “pros for cats” column. Dressing them up seems like a lot of fun.

  77. I was wondering if you still had the 1400 glass animals, since the taxidermied ones seem to be taking over. Good luck with the move! It was so nice to see you in California!

  78. I’m totally going to write a song about unicorn cats and living on the edge of San Antonio.

  79. You said we couldn’t have the boxes of eyeless faces a few post back. Are they giving Victor nightmares or has Hunter S. Tomcat started an affair with one (or more) and now it’s starting to get weird?
    Oh, and also? Hunter peeing on your bed is probably the least of your worries. Wow, that sounded creepy…sorry. What I meant was that he’s probably plotting his revenge and it’s going to be way worse than pee. He’s probably planning a mutiny right now.
    I hope you read the reviews on Amazon for that unicorn horn. Because I did and they were awesome.

  80. OMG I so hate moving so much. I get half way done packing then get so tired I start throwing everything away. Well, maybe more lazy than tired.
    So then I start just throwing stuff in a trash bag to sort through later, but then can’t remember if it was all really trash or clothes that I haven’t washed yet. Cause, again, lazy here! So I end up with bags of stuff thrown into an empty room that I have no freakin’ idea what is in them. Could be those jean shorts I have been looking for or an sad, empty chocolate box cause I needed a fix.
    Now I need chocolate…. 🙂

  81. Poor Hunter S. Thomcat – I almost regret (re)tweeting that link.

    But these pictures made it totally worth it!!!!

  82. I just wanted to say thank you for a fun evening!! I know you get a million messages every day, but I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed seeing you in Phoenix a couple of days ago. I came all the way from Canana, because I am sure that Saskatoon, Saskatchewan isn’t on your speaking tour! Ok….I didn’t really come all that way just to see you, but I was pretty excited that I was able to attend your reading anyway! Thanks!

  83. OMG!!! Laughing so hard…I didn’t know you could piss off a cat that easily, now I just gave away that I don’t have a cat…My dogs would just try and hide…Thanks for another ray of sunshine…caticorns, unikitties…complete awesomeness!!

  84. New Braunfels? Because there is a pretty awesome book/drinking club here that is full of fans of yours.

  85. OMG, that second picture is exactly what my cats would do if I did something like that. Although one of them would actually pee, on my bookshelf like the last time she was pissed off with me.

    Oh, and Etsy for selling the taxidermy. It seems to be the place to go for taxidermied things.

  86. I also have one of those horns. I put it on my bff every time he comes over, and he attempts to stab me in the eye. FRIENDSHIP.

  87. How could anyone be upset about waking up and being a unicorn? Do you know what kind of happy dance I would do if I woke up and was magically transformed into a unicorn?

    It would be so insane that Beyonce would be jealous.

  88. If you have an ebay store i wanna know how to find it… some of us are silly enough to pay extra for stuff just to say it used to be yours. Sorry for sounding creepy. It’s not meant to seem creepy. Sorry. But not.

  89. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt where the “inflatable unicorn head” is concerned, Jenny…
    As for Hunter S. Tomcat, I’d watch your back; that cat has to be planning something by now!

  90. I might be interested in the mortuary doves…. Can you send me a picture & price???

  91. SNORT – I don’t know if Mischief and Mayhem would tolerate a unicorn horn, then again they were playing with a balloon for hours the other day and didn’t pop it.. so their is hope!

    I hate moving.. four five years I moved once a year.. I am SO OVER moving. Don’t forget Beyonce!

  92. Your cat should be TOTALLY proud! That horn is huge! It would completely make all the girly cats blush…

  93. Omg, i laughed so hard i was crying. I seriously couldn’t read the whole post at once, i had to stop to dry my tears before i could finish reading. HST is the most awesome cat ever. He was born to find and live with you…

  94. Oh wow. So wrong it’s right. Reminds me of the crazy hilarious moments my cats have given me, but despite following them all around the house, camera in hand, all I get is blurry cat butt walking away.

    So, nicely done 😉

  95. I’m more than a little disappointed the unicorn -cat didn’t stick around a little longer. I’ve always believed that unicorns fart rainbows, and this would be a perfect way to test that theory.

    They would smell like daisies in springtime.

    But I suppose that isn’t a true test, as this is a hybrid of a unicorn and a cat, and not a purebred unicorn.

    So that makes him a unicat?

    It’s like the unibomber, but without the creepy hoodie…oh, and the bombs and stuff.

  96. I also find this ‘inflatable unicorn head’ suspicious.
    Does Eden Fantasies have a new magical range?

    Moving sucks. I feel for you. TIP: When unpacking at your new house, open one bottle of wine per box. You will question your decorating technique the morning after but unpacking does suck less …

  97. You have been making me laugh until I cry for years but I don’t ever comment (or do I? I don’t know. Maybe?) anyway. I don’t think I’ve *ever* laughed as hard at a blog post in my life as I did at this one. I love how your brain works and I LOVE that you share the results with the world. You really are an international treasure.

  98. Hahahahaha…this is the first thing I read today morning…and I’m going to be laughing my head off for the rest of the day!! Thank you….Giver Hunter a kiss from me…

  99. LOL! I cant believe no one mentioned the BEE ON MY HEAD part, I laughed the hardest at that…and the second picture. Funny stuff lady! And good luck with the move, I hate moving!!

  100. I don’t know what sounds more exciting, the boxes of faces or haunted mortuary doves. I’d say monkey hands, but I read a story about that once and things really didn’t go well for the owners.

  101. My son saw this. Now he wants a horn for our cat. And dragon wings for the dog. He’s saving up for a tortoise, but he said it doesn’t need a costume; apparently tortoise’s are their own kind of monster.

  102. I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard… and now I have to go re-read The Glass Menagerie.

  103. OMFG, I died laughing. My co worker is giving me the strangest looks right now. So effing funny. Thanks man, I needed that today.

  104. Okay, I’m sure moving will be totes worth it. BUT, I hate moving, so I feel for you. Also, when I clicked through to the Amazon.com link regarding the unicorn horn it touts “Great for when your Unicorn Mask isn’t available” as one of the selling points. Of course it does! This company knows its target audience.

  105. Moving is not the kind of thing you just spring on people. You need to break it to us gently, months in advance, placing reminders here and there sprinkled through random posts, sending us a link to the new house, telling us about our new school and the neighborhood kids we get to play with, helping us pack a fun overnight bag to make the transition easier, etc.

    The shock of this late notice, and not knowing what your front door will look like anymore, is more than we can handle.

  106. As long as Hunter S. Thomcat pees on Victor’s side of the bed, the world is right once again!

  107. My mom bought my dog this kind of princess necklace because my dog is very girlie LOOKING but not girlie ACTING. So I thought what they hey, maybe my mom sees something I don’t in our sweet Daisy. I put the princess necklace on her and she immediately tried to rip my face off. All these little stars and pink tulle went flying on my bed.

    She’s so not girlie.

  108. 1400 tiny glass animals?

    Tennessee Williams is looking down from a cloud and asking you to be gentle with yourself.

    (+200 ~ Jenny)

  109. I showed this to my pookie and he said, well yesssss…then he said, you aren’t going to do that to sinbad are you? are YOU?!?!…

  110. You’ll know you’ve made it when we read TMZ and you’re the victim of a swatting prank. LOL

    On the serious note, I’ve been stalked. It’s not funny, fun or even a little amusing. Be safe. Best of luck to you and your family.

    Get a few guns. You know…just in case.

  111. I scrolled down to that first pic at the exact right moment and laughed out loud at work. Thank you. I needed that today. I have similar photos of Tuxedo Cat wearing bunny ears. He is displeased.

  112. I think you might be mistaken.

    Peeing on the bed hard IS a suitable revenge, but something along the line of a unicorn horn on a sleeping cat’s head may ALSO require the obligatory cat poop in your shoe.

    Remember, he warned you.

    Grey 🙂

    P.S. Forget shooting a photo of Beyonce in the truck, SHOOT THE EXPRESSIONS OF THE MOVING MEN AS THEY MOVE BEYONCE INTO THE TRUCK!!!!!!

  113. I just had a vision of you in a closed in subdivision and what the neighbors don’t even know yet . . .

  114. Give me a heads up on the haunted dove when it hits eBay, it’ll fit right in with my freaked out Santa whose bell keeps ringing when we’re alone and I have no one to actually verify that I’m not going crazy.

  115. I’m pretty sure I’m too poor to win any actual auctions on haunted stuff, so I’ll just have to get some shit and haunt it my damn self.

  116. Laughing. Inside. Seeping to Outside. Thanks for the afternoon pick-me-up! Also, is that unicorn horn phallic or is just me? Is that why Victor was snarky? Jealous in some, er, way?

  117. “I’m gonna pee on your bed so hard.” I barked out laughter and startled a fart out of my dog. Good shit.

  118. Perhaps your cat is just really, really horny…heehee. I wish I had a cat to torture. Instead I have a really, really old dog who probably die if I put something on her head.

  119. Oh my God, I need an inflatable unicorn horn. Though I don’t think my Doberman will be any happier to wear it than Hunter S. Thomcat was. Or maybe she will be; I’ll bribe her with ham. And my fiance, like Victor, would probably say “What is WRONG with you?”

    Moving sucks, good luck!

  120. Am I the only one pointing out the obvious that if Victor had not bought the house you could have bought the unicorn from your tour. Which really means this whole thing is Victor’s fault.

  121. Omg, the tiny glass animals have a name! I have/had dozens of those. Mostly cats. I used to save up my allowance to buy these at Hallmark growing up. (These and Littlest Petshops before they got all creepy with the over-sized heads and anime eyes).

  122. I have to admit, I want a unicorn horn for my cat however she is the spawn of satan and will in fact find a way to tear at it and sacrifice it to her water dish as she does to most of her toys and random objects and cereals dropped on the floor by my daughter…
    Anyhoo, I have a really huge, non-Caticorn related favor to ask of you, lovely Bloggess…
    My hubby bought me a ticket for a photo-op with Wil Wheaton and I wanted to ask your permission to use your Wil Wheaton collating picture so I can get a picture of myself and Mr. Wheaton holding the picture of him collating paper. That probably sounds super crazy but I’m illogically honest and don’t DL music and still buy CD’s (mostly because I had a battle with iTunes and lost) and stealing this photo just isn’t right. But stealing photos of Nathan Fillion and photoshopping twine into them is the right thing to do, always!

  123. You should keep the old house to keep all the glass animals, taxidermied animals and have a place for Victor to go so he can be watched by them…watched as if waiting for him to sleep so they could pounce.

  124. Not that you’re going to see my comment amid the others but I HAD to tell you that this post had me laughing so hard I was crying, gasping for air, and laughing some more. Thank you for the amazing break from my studies! That’s why I love you so much! Still wiping the tears from my eyes!

  125. Moving sucks. And I’m very sorry to learn of your less than ideal gentleman caller. But gated communities in Texas must be very different than here in Neil Patrick Harris [MD] because…um, how to put this delicately…have they read your book? That must be one weird ass gated community. I can’t help imagining the gates are to keep the vampires and zombies in and the other people [like not the undead] out. Be careful in there. Don’t Blink.

  126. Don’t get rid of the monkey hands because that shit is great for conversation starters, voodoo dolls, truth serum and those days where you just need a helping hand.

  127. Gee, I am not sure what a “mortuary dove” is – besides a dove that lives at a mortuary. I tried looking for it on Google, which wasn’t much help….

  128. What’s the point of being top of the food chain if you aren’t allowed to prank the other species? Of course, I do see kitty payback in your immediate future. Good luck with that.

  129. You rock my world. And that cat should be grateful. He doesn’t know how lucky he is to be given outfits and attention. Punk.

  130. There should so be a shirt in the store that says “Ya’ll, I’m a Motherfucking UNICORN”!!!

    That is freaking hilarious by itself, even without the cat with a dunce hat I mean a horn… lol

  131. you are pure evil! but hilarious! that’s y i love following your blog though. your cat looks pretty hilarious, but i definitely think I need to get those for my cat. revenge for keeping me up.

  132. Happy moving! I ever tell you about the time I taped a dildo to my dog’s head with tape and took him to a bachelorette party? It’s a loveable story, I promise. And the dog had a good time taking photos and poking everyone in the ass with his dick. It was perfect.

    Sarah
    http://www.thinfluenced.com

  133. My husband saw me laughing at this post and ran over to see what craziness I found on the Internets. He was all, “What the hell did she do to her cat?!” I didn’t like his tone. Especially considering every time someone gives us little baby pajamas he eyes the big cat and says how cute he’d be stuffed into a sleeper.

  134. Girl, your name should appear on a bottle labeled “Shit days be gone!” I’m not really sure what would be inside the bottle. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Slips of paper with your blog URL on them? PIcs of Hunter S. Unikitteh? I don’t know. I’m just glad you’re you.

    Thanks for always, ALWAYS making the shit days better and the good days, um… betterer.

    Clearly I suck at P.R.

  135. tried to send you a picture of my-daughter-the-unicorn. awesome horn. it won’t send to your site, so you will just have to believe me. i can’t believe i birthed her 30 years ago….and lived, anyway.

  136. OMG. This post has me laughing so hard, I’m crying. And I worked out today, so the laughing hurts…and I think tears just ran down my leg. I <3 you, you can always make me laugh, smile, or whatever I need to turn a crappy day into, well, less of one. Thanks for that!

  137. I’m pretty sure I just found out someone I used to date has a kid now. While my first thought was, THAT guy should not have a kid, my second was, Shit. So I immediately turned to the funniest person I’ve ever read. I actually tell people to read the book when they’re down. I’m basically a human billboard for Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Now I’m no longer thinking, Shit, but on to, God it’s good to see other weird people doing weird things. Back to reading.

  138. I have been reading your past posts for about 2 hours now (yes at work….I work in an office where I can get away with that sort of thing….I’m here alone….don’t judge!) . Any-who, this one had me in stitches more so than any other! I wish I would have been able to read this during my own battles with anxiety and depression! Thank you for putting this out there! You are amazing!!!!

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