I’m not actually a huge fan of either, if I’m being honest.

Excerpt of messages from my friend (who asked that her identity remain a secret because she’s embarrassed to admit that she knows me in real life.)

me: Ugh.  Don’t tell Victor, but I REALLY hate jizz.

friend: Um.  Okay.

me:  I mean, I get the draw, but it just doesn’t do it for me.

friend: Why exactly would Victor be mad at that?

me: Because he really likes it and he wants me to share his interests, I guess?  I just can’t get into it.

friend: Speechless.  What does he expect you to do with it?

me:  Just enjoy it, I guess?  He collects it.

friend:  Like…in a jar?  This is kinda TMI.

me:  Oh, holy shit.  I just reread what I wrote.  Not jizz.  JAZZ.  I meant to write JAZZ.  Victor wants me to appreciate JAZZ with him.

friend:  Oh, thank Christ.

me:  I really need to spell-check this shit before I send it out.

friend:  The “i” and the “a” are like…not even remotely close to each other.  Was that an autocorrect?

me:  I don’t think so.  I’ve never even written “jizz” on my phone before.  I must have done it unconsciously.

friend:  That’s a weird Freudian slip.

me:  I guess I just had jizz on the brain.

friend:  Stop typing.

me:  No way.  My phone is finally starting to recognize jizz.  It’s like it’s learning.

friend:  You’re corrupting your phone.  With jizz.

me:  Ew.

friend:  I need a shower.

me:  You and me both, sister.

258 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Jizz, Jazz…it’s one and the same, my dear.

    GK Adams recently posted Irritating.

  2. Would it be inappropriate for me to claim credit for this text exchange?

    I’m totally cool with admitting I know you and would assume you did, in fact, mean jizz.

    Miss Britt recently posted A Muddled Attempt to Work Through Abandonment Issues.

  3. Okay, this made me giggle out loud. Thank you for this.

    Monica recently posted Re-Potted Plants.

  4. That’s awesome. Now you need to find people to talk about jazz with who might be shocked at your new autocorrect – your parents, maybe, or your pastor? 😛

    Wendy recently posted Songbird Necklace and Earring Set with white, green, and antique brass beads by NerdyNecklaces.

  5. Just PRETEND it’s autocorrect in the future. Have we not learned that valuable life lesson from “Damn You AutoCorrect”?

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Would you buy a sex toy with a handle bar attached?.

  6. I used to keep a jazz rag in my backseat as a teenager. It had a saxophone on it.

    Ok that’s gross.

    The Simple Dude recently posted Wedded Bliss Here I Come.

  7. You need a spit warning on some of these posts. I nearly spit water on my keyboard.

  8. Wow–thanks for the laugh!

  9. They do make showers like that. Although from the sound of it, you probably wouldn’t like them.

    Ellie Di recently posted Broken and healthy: a daily crapshoot.

  10. BWAH HA HA HA! That is awesome.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Who Needs A Vacation When You Can Have A “Staycation”?!.

  11. OMG rofl! I just texted my gf’s that I am renaming sex JIZZNESS so I can say “Let’s get down to Jizzness” all the time….this came up like 20 minutes later! I love you!

    Cristal recently posted ~Happy Spring Project + Baby Dolphins~.

  12. A long as Victor doesn’t ask you to jizz-ercise, I think you’re safe.

  13. burn the phone

    daniel recently posted LEGO Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Out.

  14. I texted someone recently: “If you’re going to be a whore, we’ll just eat here and meet up later.”

    “Whore”? “While”? What’s the difference?

    Schmutzie recently posted This Is Why I Don't Write Comics.

  15. I’m sure that there are probably people that collect jizz in a jar.

    That almost sounds like a children’s book gone horribly wrong…

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Come for the poetry, stay for the crazy..

  16. Autocorrect seems to love me. It always knows when I want to write normal proper words, or naughty words. Autocorrect just gets me I guess.

    Dawnie recently posted Adventures of Pocket Doctor.

  17. I majored in Jazz in college. Historically, jazz likely got it’s name from the word jism or jasm. So there is that.

  18. I used hoards in place of hordes… in possibly the only important thing I’ve ever written… now I live in fear of inadvertent idiocy.

    Victoria • Restoring our 1890 Victorian recently posted My paramour. My inamorata. My one true love: Craigslist..

  19. And this is the one reason I am sad I don’t have a smartphone. I never get to have these kinds of conversations. At least, not in text.

    Erica O recently posted Toothpicks and Scabs: A Very Gross Story.

  20. Jazz is the bombay gin! Have you tried listening to Cannonball Adderly or Miles Davis? They are pretty accessible. As is jizz now that I think about it…

  21. Bahahaha! Sounds familiar at my house as well… almost identicle… other than spoken word… when Im tired

    Kerry :) recently posted … Dem Bones.

  22. Story of my iPhone’s life! Except the opposite, I use the word ‘dick’ frequently, but my iPhone ALWAYS wants to change it to ‘dock.’ WTF, Apple?

    John B recently posted taco gay grande pie.

  23. I really needed to read a jizz post today. And I’m not even kidding around. I needed a laugh. 🙂 Thanks, lady!

    Celeste recently posted One Hundred Word Wednesday: Cat.

  24. That is why I love reading your blog. Makes me spit out my coffee. All these people are looking at me funny while I can’t stop giggling. Thank you so much!

  25. Hilarious. I don’t even have anything to add to this, cause it’s too funny on it’s own. And I’m at work, so I’m typing very fast so I can click away from this before anyone sees me. Ha!

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted Surprise Christmas can make or break my day..

  26. I love auto-correct. I asked my husband to bring home a big thing of mustard and my phone changed it to big thing of miniskirts – obviously.

    And I love Brian in the comment above knows the real jazz origins. Guess your phone WAS on to something.

    Anna recently posted Lies, Scary Mommy and a Giveaway!.

  27. Holy Shit! HILARIOUS!!!!! Thank you for the huge belly laugh!!!!

    Dena recently posted Am I nuts?….

  28. Thank you. I have been in so much pain for the last few days and this is the first thing that has made me smile and laugh. I needed that bad.

  29. They do both sort of come out spontaneously sometimes.

  30. I have a hunch you have typed jizz more times then jazz. Just a hunch.

  31. Which came first the jizz or the jazz?

    That was my first thought after I read this. I think the extreme pollen of NC has finally gotten to me.

  32. This is even better than DYAC 🙂

    Julie recently posted This weekend (4/5).

  33. I actually read it as Jazz and had to go back and read it again… way funnier if you don’t have an autocorrect in your brain, censoring anything remotely interesting into safe-for-workness…

    Meghan recently posted Newsletter going from monthly to weekly and an apology.

  34. And also, I am NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT I KNOW YOU IN REAL LIFE. Except that, well, I don’t. I haven’t even been able to stalk you at book signings because there haven’t been any near me. But I feel like I know you, does that count? I’ll be waiting for the restraining order 😉

    Julie recently posted This weekend (4/5).

  35. May be one of the best autocorrects of all time.

    Coti recently posted Munchies Monday: KO Seafood in Hua Hin, Thailand.

  36. Cracking up!

    Loida recently posted Writing Prompt: The New Yorker for Mothers.

  37. 37
    kristin emmett

    I don’t mind classic jizz but fusion jizz makes my skin crawl.

  38. I guess this explains Al Jolson’s hand-washing obsession.

  39. Hilarious!

  40. At least you don’t feel dirty – not to mention sticky – after immersing yourself in the beauty of jazz….

  41. And this is why I don’t use autocorrect… 🙂 but damn if you didn’t make me tinkle a little from laughing so hard!

  42. Would you rather have jizz hands or jazz hands? ‘Cause, frankly, I’m more excited about the later, but I have to admit, I’m also not really into either.

    Allison recently posted Book Feature - Night Stars and Mourning Doves by Margo Hoornstra.

  43. I’m listening to the wrong jazz.

    Amy Moloney recently posted National Poetry Month: Journey.

  44. Well, both are involved in some form of masturbation…

  45. I mean, technically, you COULD have had that conversation with him, right?

    Lydia recently posted How You SHOULD Speak to a Pregnant Lady.

  46. *Jazz hands*

    Nikki recently posted Just a reminder.

  47. Jesus you’re funny.

  48. I have to be in the right kind of mood for either.

    Keaven recently posted Tunisian Crochet Afghans.

  49. Your phone needs a shower…

  50. “And all that JIIIIIIZZZZZZZZ” ~ Chicago (but not really)

    Sara recently posted Blorft*.

  51. OMG, lol’ing a lot. Thanks for sharing … I think!? 🙂

    Mallory recently posted April Showers.

  52. Autocorrect is the devil.

    Fucking autocorrect like, forces me to take three times as long to send a damn text, what with all that damn PROOFREADING I now have to do.

    I also one time sent a completely whacko sexy message to a friend, it was part of an inside joke. But I accidentally sent the message to a guy I had a huge crush on. So, you know, THAT was awesome.

    I maybe shouldn’t be allowed to even HAVE a cell phone.

  53. Best. Mistype. Ever. I needed the laugh today because winter is soooo trying to come back here and it needs to stay the hell away. It’s snowing north of us. Rain good. Snow ridiculous. 🙂

  54. Having a bad day –
    NEEDED this! Thank you!

  55. This reminds me of the time my friend told me that her and her husband were moving because her husband wanted to be closer to his ho. I was thinking, TMI open marriage stuff, when I realised she meant his Head Office.

    Vivian recently posted Deviant Dogs.

  56. I would totally let you mock me in real life. I’m embarrassed that i don’t know you in real life.

    BTW, because I’m a weirdo, I like telling my friends who speak Spanish “Yo soy embarasada” when I do something goofy.

  57. Oh how I love thee, Jennifer Archibald Lawson. Dirty typos and all.

    Carm recently posted It’s Tuesday: Here’s What I’ve Done So Far.

  58. We all know what you REALLY meant… 🙂

    Karen Peterson recently posted The Super Amazing Giveaway of Awesomeness. Or, Enter to Win a Kindle Fire HD!.

  59. Fun game for my lunch hour. Look up quotes about jazz and replace with jizz. Laugh accordingly. For instance: The thing to judge in any jizz artist is, does the man project. — Miles Davis

  60. BAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome.

    My phone likes to change “Regards” to “Retards”…This has made for some awkward work emails. I have since stopped using the word “regards” altogether.

    Melissa B recently posted Worst Female in the World: Part 1.

  61. Miscommunications like this are so entertaining. My husband pocket-texts me (the new pocket dial) all the time. Just weird random stuff. It’s sometimes better than our real conversations, which I am sure says something about our marriage.

    Lily from It's A Dome Life recently posted Writing A Novel Is Freakishly Hard.

  62. I would have been proud to have had that convo with you. Too funny.

    Kara recently posted Spirelli in Square.

  63. Oh that made me spit.

    My water. Instead of swallowing.

    Yeah. Stopping now.

    Jess recently posted This is not a corpse speaking...no really, I'm somewhat alive..

  64. My belly hurts from laughing.

    Kathleen recently posted Poetry Schmoetry.

  65. Unfortunately, I think they’re BOTH acquired tastes, where the acquiring phase is something like purgatory. I think.

  66. I totally read ‘jazz’ when I started reading, then had to go back and read it again when it became clear from your friend’s response that she thought you were talking about jizz. It’s like my eye-to-brain function autocorrected for me!

    On the other hand, maybe your friend has jizz on her mind, too? 😉

    Mary, QoE recently posted This one’s for Puck.

  67. Haha. Automobiles are my face!!! 😉

    Cara recently posted I Need Your Help.

  68. I’ll totally reveal my utter ignorance by admitting this, but I had to google jizz. I kind of got an idea of what it was when google provided me with a bunch of pr0n links first, then scrolling down, urban dictionary could inform me it was an organic substance…

    The stuff I learn from you, Jenny; G.O.L.D.
    In another year’s time, I’ll hopefully be up to date on all these IMPORTANT-THINGS-I-NEED-TO-KNOW 😀

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Hither-Dither.

  69. Yes. Spell checking can be fun. Although this was funnier that you didn’t.

    Jess recently posted Work in Progress Wednesday: Monsters and Legs.

  70. I’m sure Victor would like it if you appreciated his jizz as well as his jazz. Most men would. LOL

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted And We Have The Eye Roll….

  71. Don’t forget your phone. It needs a shower too.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Picture Perfect.

  72. Thank you for giving me an asthma attack. *wheezes*

  73. I blame everything on auto correct. That way, I can’t be held accountable for all the crap I text to my family. They think I need a new phone, when really, it’s my mind that needs worked on. I can’t wait to use jizz in my next text. My daughter will probably claim to not know me again. She’s doing that more and more these days.

  74. I live in fear that I’ll do something similar while texting my husband, and he will NEVER let me forget it. I console myself with the fact that it’ll at least be a funny memory.

    Sarah recently posted Show your weird, unmask your anxieties, put a name to your fears..

  75. One of my pet peeves is that the o and the i are right next to each other on the keyboard. This made for an interesting text to my husband when I meant to type “I couldn’t take a shot, it’s too big” only I put an i where the o should have been in the word shot. That was one of the best and funniest text conversations we’ve ever had.

    Jennifer recently posted Freaking Out Level: Boss.

  76. I hope he likes “smooth jizz”

    Melissa recently posted Register THIS!.

  77. “There’s a $20 cover charge at the Jizz Club tonight…”


    Comrade Misfit recently posted Flogging the Bishop Whilst Driving??.

  78. I read through and thought it said jazz the whole time. My brain is on auto correct. That just made it more funny to me.

  79. Okay I had to check the meaning of jizz, because yes, I have been living under a rock!
    But thank you Jenny…you just added to my vocabulary! And I just took a shower so…guess I’m going to bed with jizz on my mind…okay..shutting up now.

    Miss Gee recently posted When Two Worlds Collide.....

  80. It’s perfectly acceptable to not like jizz too…

    Carmen recently posted Vancity Biker Chicks: Official Castmember.

  81. I absolutely LOVE that it totally never even dawned on your friend that that was a typo.

    Leila Maisonneuve recently posted I’m Gonna Do It. Just You Wait And See….

  82. “Like… in a jar?”
    …giggle and eww…


    SmithShack71 recently posted didn't kill the neighbors. i left..

  83. Thank you for sharing after the morning from hell and alsmost falling asleep on my lunch break I’m now laughing as I head back to my classroom on a rainy Wednesday afternoon!

  84. i divorced my first husband for his love of jazz and lack of jizz.

    Simone recently posted Am I for fucking real?.

  85. I don’t get jazz either.

    And I have told my husband “I live you” a gazillion times in text form. But at least that kinda still makes sense.

  86. I am at work and can not stop laughing.

  87. HAHA! Just laughed out loud at work. Speaking of- what did people do at work before the internet? Seriously.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Walking: The Best Thing Since Running.

  88. I had some really heart breaking news this morning! This post made me laugh so hard it pulled me out of my funk! Thank you!

  89. I actually missed the typo when I first read it so at first I thought your friend seemed to be asking odd questions.

    Kaitlyn recently posted To be a polymath.

  90. If you’d like, I could probably hook you up with PeeWee Herman. You two could go to a jizz club together.

    Kris recently posted Fifty Shades of Gray.

  91. Like Meghan, I autocorrected the word to “jazz” and had to go back and read it again. Now I’m wondering about my husband’s newfound appreciation of jazz.

  92. “Jazz” and “rock and roll” both started out as slang words for sex, so…

  93. I’m feeling a bit under the weather today so this was a most welcome pick-me-up!

    Courtney recently posted Sometimes I think IQ tests should be mandatory for a driver’s license..

  94. Sitting in carpool reading this and I’m sure other people are wondering what the hell is wrong with me! Dying laughing!

  95. HAHAHA I died. That’s the best thing I’ve read all week.

    AmyBean recently posted Workin' girl.

  96. When I got my first car, I named it (because teenager.) She was called Jizzy, not for any disgusting reasons but because it was funny to me. Then my stepmom asked me, “Do you, um, know that jizz is..?” Yes. Yes I do.

    I’m just a bit twisted, that’s all.

  97. So I am not usually one to laugh out loud- I generally have more of a dry, wry sense if humor, but this lovely post just elicited a SNORT- completely unintentional. Hilarious!

  98. Autocorrect strikes again!

    But while we’re on the subject, I don’t really get the appeal of jizz either.

    Katie recently posted "They're just photosynthesizing the sh*t out of our natural light, babe.".

  99. OMG!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  100. EPIC!!! I sent a text to my husband saying I picked up the kids from school and dropping the CATALOGUES at the hospital. It turns out autocorrect changed it to, I picked up the kids from school and dropping the FATALITIES at the hospital. He came home with a bottle of wine, assuming I was having a tough day.

  101. hahaha OMG…I have no words, just laughter.

    Ali K. recently posted Paris Marathon Goes Green.

  102. ha, this has me laughing so hard it hurts!

    Sarah recently posted High or low level of joule!.

  103. 104
    Brooke Steele

    I almost spit my wine on the whole foods bartender just now….that is a funny slip!

  104. Thank you for existing, Bloggess. You make my days bitter.

  105. I never came across that that term in medical school. Never heard of in-jizzanation
    or of Jizz cook books.

  106. My husband loves jazz and now he has my cats addicted. That’s jazz with an “a” not an “i”. Although I don’t know what my cats collect when I’m not around.

  107. To be honest, I’m a little disappointed at the conclusion of this conversation. I was really hoping to be astounded with Victor’s perfectly reasonable explanation for collecting jizz. Damn.

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted Holy Crap I’m a Tiger Mom - ADHD and Me, Part III.

  108. Jizz hands… not as popular as jazz hands.

    Jude recently posted The Car-Truck-Van.

  109. My friend and I always text each other saying “Let’s ho”. Because smart phones are stupid

  110. 111
    vicki trattar

    I’m pretty sure jizz fusion occurs when your birth control fails.

  111. this reminds me of the time that my toddler daughter said fuck at the play ground (can i say fuck on your blog?) sorry i’m new. and the moms all looked at me like the antichrist
    and i said calmly, “i’m sorry honey i don’t have a fork.”
    Now normally i’m not that quick on the replies so i wanted to share it to any other parents of cussing toddlers in case they need a ready response.

  112. “You say jizz, I say…” Well I’m sure as hell not going to say “jazz”. Gross.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Stuff YD Says.

  113. Must clean my screen off now. Bwahahaha!!! Does Victor read your blog? If so, he is the nicest husband in the world.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Winter drought in Colorado.

  114. Jizz FTW! I love text typos. When they happen to other people, that is.

    Crys Wiltshire recently posted Wordless Wednesday with Linky: Our toddler walking the dog by herself..

  115. It’s actually more disturbing to me that he collects Jazz. Why would anyone do that?

  116. This happens to me often. I once told a guy at work to “pull his cock up” instead of pull your socks up. Whoops. Love it

  117. 118
    Gregg Barnes

    I have to stop reading your posts while I am drinking. I just spit coffee all over my keyboard and monitor. Thats one of the best typo stories I have ever read! Thanks for making me laugh my ass off.

  118. I had as many laughs reading the comments as I did the post…your other followers are just as demented as you, so I don’t feel so alone 😀

  119. This is awesome. It made me laugh so hard the dog started whinging and the monitor cat came over and started tapping my leg vigorously. Gee Whizz : D.

  120. I got confused because I read it as Jazz the first time. Then the talk about the jar made me go back and reread. Seems there should be something called Jazz in a Jar.

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Having a Ball.

  121. He keeps his jizz in a mayonaise jar… with little holes poked into the lid so it can breathe

    Kim recently posted How to Drive your Man Crazy… Video Edition.

  122. I was feeling kind of blah when I logged onto you site. You made me laugh out loud and I feel much better now. Thank you! I feel much better now.

    Malia recently posted I Love Starbucks!.

  123. …and I should give you my number so we can auto-correct the fuck outta each other!

    Kim recently posted How to Drive your Man Crazy… Video Edition.

  124. You may have gotten me fired. My co-workers want me to explain my sudden laughter.

  125. Not a big fan of either, either. Not a collector of either because ew and why bother. I’ll let you decide which is ew and which is why bother. Hope it doesn’t keep you up at night. If it does, I’m sorry. Think about kittens.

    Shawn Walter recently posted Prophetic.

  126. This.

    Thanks for the much needed laugh! Cheers 🙂

    Lex recently posted A weird little ball with a weird little name.

  127. This made me laugh and also peer self-consciously over my shoulder lest someone see the dirty words on my screen. I’m alone in my office, mind you.

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted An Unhealthy Curtain Attachment.

  128. bahaha. vowels are hard.

    Kp recently posted Mac Does Something Awesome - Episode 9: MEOW.

  129. I hope no jizz was harmed by the creation of this post.

    Wait…I totally do.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Why I love Opening Day and Cardinals baseball.

  130. I apparently played the part of Jenny in the scenario in my head because I read the first line as Jazz and couldn’t figure out why your friend was so confused. Wasn’t until you realized the mistake that I went back and read the first line correctly.

  131. lol This sounds so much like so many conversations with friends, but those are on purpose XP
    They’re both kind of an acquired taste. Personally, I like both.

    lillibee recently posted Bored? Check..

  132. I made the mistake of reading this at work. Now tears are streaming down my face from the suppressed laughter.

  133. HOLY CRAP…I nearly peed myself this is so funny!

    Tara W recently posted Being Unemployed.

  134. Commenter #112, pt: My little sister’s first word, apparently, was fuck. My parents looked at each other and said ”we’ll tell people she was trying to say truck.” In a bit of appropriate karma, my nephew/her son, when he was about 3, went through a period where he said fuck or fucking–often. We waited out and tried not to laugh and he eventually stopped. And if you couldn’t say fuck on Jenny’s blog, I think Jenny would have to quit writing the blog!

    Alison from Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Scottish Folk Music recently posted A simple shopping trip? Not if I'm involved..

  135. hahaha!! this is beyond hilarious. way to fail auto correct.. 😉

    Volante recently posted Just not in the stars for us….

  136. Awesome. Pure and simple.

  137. I was really curious about where you were going when you said “just enjoy it” – oh the picture in my mind – as always and this time literally friggin hilarious! x

    Wideeyedgirl recently posted Day 10 of #HAPPYRIL: 5 steps to happy goggles.

  138. The really disturbing this is I knew you were going for jazz all along-I’m a teacher. My best student misspelling was for Mrs. Brown went to town on a bike as Mrs. Brown went to town on a dick. (Mrs. Brown is a tramp.)

  139. My wife says she didn’t really like jizz that much either until I made her listen to the long version of Girl from Ipanema about 10 times, and now she does.

    Tom recently posted Cathedral, Mexico City.

  140. To be honest, I didn’t even realize it was jizz till the line that has Jazz in bold caps…so I had to start from the beginning again. Then I realized the awesomeness.

  141. You have sunk to a new low. How cool is THAT? Mazel Tov. Love your friend, Laurie F.

    Laurie F. recently posted After All Tomorrow Is Another Day (Carry On Tuesday).

  142. The sad part? You could have legitimately written about jizz and I would still understand. It’s like I’ve been reading so long that we share a brain.

    Ashley recently posted Seriously, he’s just NOT that into you..

  143. I’m dying in a fit of giggles.

    Alison recently posted I is for Injury - EPIC Injury..

  144. My phone flat refuses to spell anything remotely PG so we go round and round, but it goes out of its way to make me look like an idiot every time I spell Batman. Whoever coded the spell check was the dullest person on the planet. I’m jealous that yours lets you spell jizz.

    Janika recently posted The Dead Do Not Snark.

  145. So there’s this shop where I live called Dysfunctional Grace Art Co (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dysfunctional-Grace-Art-Co/242624769094998) and every time I go in I think of you and LPNOTEH (which makes me happy)… because they have awesome things like this…
    Then I get a little sad because I remember the book is over and I want you to write another equally awesome one!

  146. This is awesome! I think the folks at Apple were having a really good time when they came up with autocorrect!!

    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted Mommy, You Look Beautiful.


  148. As a man I can confirm that many if not most of us would prefer for you to become fans of jizz. #justsaying

    Jack recently posted How To Use Blogging To Have More Sex.

  149. I just laughed so hard I jizzed. Hysterical.

  150. Should’ve screen capped that shit and put it on damnyouautocorrect.com

    xo Ashley

  151. If I give you my phone number, will you text me sometime?

  152. I had to turn my autocorrect off – I use my phone for work and continuously text about 50 court reporters regarding their schedules, nearly all of whom are women. My personal texts are primarily to my husband and best friend, who happens to be male, and nearly all of them contain some form of the word fuck. I have, to date, accidentally told about 22 people to fuck off.

    Courtney recently posted How We Survived Childhood in the 80s.

  153. To be fair, in the context of this conversation with you not being into and all, either could totally make sense. I could easily see the mistake!

    Shannon recently posted Recipe: Carrot-Raisin Cupcakes (or Muffins, If You Like).

  154. Thank you. You even made my husband laugh. =)

    Danielle recently posted Interesting. Intriguing. Impressive..

  155. Ohhhh, awesome. 🙂

    MeganlyMeg recently posted Malmsy Monday.

  156. This is coming all to soon after the article I read yesterday about a bartender publishing the use of semen in cocktails and food. I started a blog of my own on the subject, but had to abandon it when nausea and hysterical giggling set in simultaneously!

  157. I just have to ask (and I don’t know if anyone else has asked this because I’m too sick to read all of the comments)
    Do you really have a friend who would be surprised to hear you say that? I mean someone who knows you in real life? Because if you said that to ME in a text I would not be surprised at all (though I would first squeal in excitement and second wonder how you got my phone number and whether or not I should think about a restraining order, just in case, if you sent me a text) and I don’t even know you in real life.

    Also, I’ve heard of weirder things than collecting jizz but I don’t wanna talk about it…too scary 0.0

    Rooski recently posted My spine is NOT a violin.

  158. Jizz… Jazz, same shit!

    Samantha recently posted First home. Please kill me now..

  159. Oh, my goodness. You have no idea how much this conversation made me laugh after the terrible week I have been having. Thanks for the giggles! :]

    Robyn Webb recently posted This Time Last Year, I was Hunting Alligators in Florida and Now I Am Chasing Chickens at the Zoo.

  160. I think I love you.

  161. I can’t hate on iPhone’s simply for all the awesomesauce auto-corrects they’ve presented us with since its inception.

  162. So was that in the middle if a convo or did you just text her out of the blue about jizz?

  163. I love you! And I love that when I type “t” into my browser, your site is the first on the list.

  164. 166

    Thank you so much for this post! You have no idea how amazingly shitty the past 48 hours have been for me and I so needed this laugh.

  165. So I read this blog all the time and bought the book in hardcover (a big deal for me, as I don’t like hard cover, its harder to bend back and make a mess of and its also more fiddly to read in bed). Anyway, I love both, your comments cheer me up enormously. Last night however I was busy reading my way through my insomnia (the joys) and the book was entitled STFU Parents. Its basically a set of examples of over share and over competition etc by parents. Some of it is harsh and some of it is entirely fair… and I found myself thinking you might enjoy it. And I don’t know you… which makes this a little weird. But, anyway, if you have a chance (and you probably don’t) give it a look.

    (I love that book. ~ Jenny)

  166. I wonder if you’d smell burning toast with jizz on the brain?

    Only random Canadians who saw that commercial long ago will have some idea of what I’m talking about there.

    OK, clearly time for bed.

    StephanieC recently posted Ways Depression Can Save *YOU* Money! 1st Edition.

  167. Gawd texting is fun. And entertaining, even when it didn’t mean to be. In other news, I’m becoming worried about your insomnia. Sleep is SO damn important! Not to be all pagan-preachy or anything, but how do you feel about angels? The big hunking, John Travolta-type, who come in and really get shit done? Just a thought. At 3 a.m.

    Julie recently posted Re-framed, and Recognized..

  168. Given your own prelictions for strange collectables (taxidermy, glass animals, spooky dolls)…if Victor decided he wanted to collect jizz I don’t think you’d have the right to complain…

    Claire J recently posted What Domesticity Means For Me.

  169. That has to be the funniest typo ever.

    Kattie recently posted Time.

  170. I really hope “All That Jizz” is a porn title.

    Marinka recently posted Mitt.

  171. Auto correct has become my nemesis! Yesterday I texted a friend to ask if she would be going to a kick off event. Auto correct changed it to jack off!! Luckily she’s twisted like me and wasn’t offended, just confused. Thanks for the squicky giggles :*)

  172. Jizz, jazz, whatever. Same thing essentially, right? (To be fair, I’ve always thought jazz was the sound of musical masturbation, so…)

    Sarah recently posted Crazy cat lady, party of 1...or 5.

  173. Was going to England for the first time and my friend was all excited to take me to the whorehouse farm…

    I let it slide a little wondering maybe a whorehouse was something different in England? I didn’t know I’d never been there…

    Finally I asked um does Whorehouse mean the same thing there as it does here because really we can skip that attraction I’m not really into whores?

    Her phone had autocorrected Whitehouse to Whorehouse…. Kinda funny and a bit ironic if you ask me lol.

  174. I have to stop reading this at work. My coworkers already think I’m insane . Sitting here at 7:01AM cackling away does not endear me to anyone, especially the woman across the aisle who is like a throwback to 1950 North Dakota…oh wait! She IS from North Dakota….with no sense of humor or anything else. She’s like that woman in FIELD OF DREAMS who wants to ban books. I would love to give her this to read….but she wouldn’t get it. Sucks to be her.

    Sj recently posted We Are Not Victims.

  175. Gawd, I hope the makers of Honey Boo Boo don’t read this. Their new saying will be “jizzle jazzle”. Then that would ruin it. You never disappoint, Jenny. I needed a laugh today and I certainly got my fill. Thanks for having that weird life that I secretly covet.

  176. They both have a tendency to make men say, “Oooooh yeah, that was awesome.”

    I think if we all experienced autocorrect once a day, life would be better.

    Allison recently posted Very Depressing Children's Books.

  177. My wife has texted me more than once- “Hey I’m homo.” I’m very liberal and pro-gay everything but I don’t want to lose my wife because I’m in love with her. apprently he rphone is pro-gay everything too. It autocorrects “home” to “homo” sometimes.

    I don’t like jazz either.

    Lance recently posted All I Can Do Is Write About It.

  178. That should be entered into to that Auto- Correct Texting site. That’s awesome and totally something that would happen to me.

  179. NOW I get the title of your your post, and it made me laugh. 🙂

    Also, I find it interesting that the Iphone’s autocorrect was programmed to understand “jizz” instead of “jazz” as a word. Think about that for a second.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Your Body Has to Follow Where Your Brain Goes!.

  180. This doesn’t have to do with this post, but my best friend sent me to this site the other day. You might like the painting, but I found the description to be even better. This person needs a blog. Please check it out.


    -The same girl who sent the functioning vagina lego video link 😉

  181. PS what happened to your Sunday posts? And all their glory

  182. This is one of my favourites. Gotta love autocorrect. It likes to take away all my coolness, but changing ‘chica’ to ‘chicago’. It confuses my friends.

    TriGirl recently posted You Say Bikram Yoga? I Say Bikram "No"ga..

  183. I know it wasn’t autocorrect in this case, but I have to say I’m almost sad that I set up my phone to not embarrass me with autocorrect because I miss out on a lot of fun. Also, I have an upgraded keyboard app that’s a total prude and I can’t even get it to recognize “fuck” or “vagina” much less change a word to something hilariously inappropriate. It’s really the only feature that would ever persuade me to switch to an iPhone.

    Maya recently posted Like Herding Teens.

  184. Thanks… I’m now sitting in my office, crying and trying to stifle my laughter so as not to draw attention to why I’m reading about jizz on my work computer…

  185. Oh my word, I nearly fell out of bed I was laughing so hard. Is it wrong that I pictured a special little jar for the collection? Ew, I just skeeved myself out. That woud haven been a great addition to Damn you autocorrect for sure.

    Brandee recently posted Love is love.

  186. I don’t know about everyone else; but I’m really glad that post took the turn it did.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Please forgive me….

  187. Perfection, as always. And if we were friends, I wouldn’t ask to be anonymous – I’d write a blog about how awesome it is to be your friend. Nevermind how I would post everywhere I could possibly post if I appeared in one of your posts. Because that would be epic.

    Tara recently posted Blueberry muffins.

  188. Hilarious!

    Ty @ Mama of 3 Munchkins recently posted Five Ways to Encourage Your Child to Read.

  189. It’s bad enough having an embarrassing autocorrect to a friend. Try having one of those go to your mother. Super awkward.


    Jason recently posted Vacationing With Kids - The Trip (Part 2 of 3).

  190. Hahaha! They’re both irritating and flow all free form like, they should be universally interchangeable.

    One classy motha recently posted Guess what I did Monday night?!!.

  191. 193
    lucky maria

    The year I graduated college my school gave an honorary doctorate to a famous Jazz musician. The only problem was the ceremony was in Latin and the word ‘jazz’ did not exist when Latin died. So they went to Latin scholars and asked for a Latin word to use. That new word was ‘jazzicum’.

    My fellow alumni and I still discuss that rather bizarre sounding ceremony. I am so blaming my texts for the next 3 days on auto-correct.

  192. OHMYHEAVENLYHAM – seriously hysterical! Thank you!!

  193. Friend of mine posted this on FB. So I immediately thought of you, of course!

    I am so loving writing this chapter of the book about the Crazy Cat lady who has all of her deceased cats taxidermied:

    “Want to see something special?” asked Kat. “I had to pay special for this,” she said as she grabbed Tang’s head by the ears. The cat was shaped in a sleeping position with the head fully taxidermied and the tail curled alongside. Kat began to torque the head to one side and Alice thought her friend was finally tripping over the bridge to the other side. “It’s a bottle,” said Kat, as she slowly begin to spin the head of the cat away from the body, the same way one would screw the lid off a peanut butter jar.

  194. Years ago I worked at a radio station. We would get our news from one of the wire services. It would come in on a teletype machine, printed out on a long roll of yellow paper. The announcers would tear off a few feet of it and take it to the studio with them, just before going on the air. One day there was a chunk of that yellow paper posted on the bulletin board. The typist at the wire service had inadvertently typed an obscenity (which I won’t repeat here), hit RETURN and started the line over, and retyped the same obscenity, before getting it right the third time. The chief announcer had hand-written on the sheet, “This is why you should read the news before you go on the air.” Despite the years since then, I’ve never forgotten that bit of wisdom.

  195. Yeah, they both kind of leave a bad taste in your mouth…

    Dana the Biped recently posted Hops in the Right Direction: Feet!.

  196. It’s like our phones are starting to know us better than we know ourselves. Freudian, indeed.


  197. Totally made my day! Again you are awesome!

  198. Does this mean that u like jizz but hate jazz? Personally I feel jizz is better then jazz….and I don’t really like it that much

  199. I mean if u had to pick one? Cause u already said ur not a big fan of either

  200. Right after one of my bawdiest friends died, my phone started suggesting “sodomy” every time I typed “sooooo.” I swear it was his ghost living in my phone.

    Baddest Mother Ever recently posted Law and Order FPU: Vice Squad.

  201. I showed this post to my husband last night while we were watching an interview with Matt Smith on TV. This morning my husband wakes up and tells me he had a long, complex dream involving Doctor Who, and at one point in the dream he (husband, not the Doctor), asked the Queen of England why she hates jizz. I don’t know what that means, but I thought you should know. 🙂

  202. At first I was thinking your sex column was crossing over into your blog world. And then I was thinking wow that Victor really puts it all out there. And then somehow it lead to me wondering where I could get a can of cheez whiz right quick. I don’t know how this happens.

    Beck recently posted The Second Screen Effect: Raising A Generation of Media Multitaskers.

  203. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

  204. 206
    Brattus Rattus

    Yeah. Me as your friend would have read it as jizz and thought nothing strange about it. Probably would have gave you and Victor props for having some freak in you.


  205. Yuck. He could have a jizz jar. Kinda like a swear jar, only instead of money in the jar…
    Never mind.

    Brandi recently posted Femoroacet… Wait, What?.

  206. I love awkward text messages. Can’t say I’m a huge fan of jizz either. Jazz though isn’t bad if properly medicated.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  207. I laughed so hard! You are completely awesome!

    Jo recently posted Jobs (Feminism in the workplace).

  208. I have never been able to get into jazz. It kinda makes my chest hurt like how I feel when I have anxiety. Does that make sense? Too much similarity between jazzy rhythms and my chest’s spazzy rhythms.

    Punky Coletta recently posted I showed you mine, now you show me yours!.

  209. You just made my day! Thanks You !

  210. Jizz and Jazz — both kind of wonky weird things that I pretended to like in college in an attempt to be cool.

    PinotNinja recently posted The Mystery of Dylan McKay.

  211. Oh my! This post made me laugh so hard.

    Keitha recently posted Lunches April 8th - 12th.

  212. WOW, a lot of people are Jazzed about Jizz!!! lol. You have some AWESOME friends as she didn’t even assume it was a typo right off. lol

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Note From a Veteran – TheFeelGoodDepot.com.

  213. It’s cool how I’m always comment # 200+. I’m on the ball that way. Jenny, you need a new friend. I’m right here! *waves arms* <3 P.S. My friend Tracy/Momaical grabbed your boob at the book signing in Danville. I'm jealous.

    Lucy Ball recently posted Date Night.

  214. neither one gets my boat floating but if one must choose then I’d rather be covered in jizz than listen to jazz

    Molley Mills recently posted Random Thoughts that Couldn’t Make it on Their Own as a Grown Up Post.

  215. According to my iPhone, “jizzerific” – totally an acceptable word. Which made my text to mom thanking her what was supposed to be a “terrific pool day” into a long conversation.

    furiousBall recently posted We call it fiveplay.

  216. Jizz jar/swear jar… I would love to know the family politics that would go into a decision like that 😀

    Amelia recently posted Direction (and why writing about gay rights can get you fired).

  217. I love how your friend read “jizz” and just went with the conversation. It’s not like she was disturbed right away. That’s the sign of a good friend!

    Joanne recently posted Funny friendship quotes that I just had to share.

  218. HA HA! I was wondering what weird science experiments were being conducted! Hilarious!

    Crystal recently posted Ladies Only Blog Share Link Party: Anything Goes!.

  219. I have to say thank you for bringing “jizz” into my lexicon. I have two daughters and now I am thinking I am a totally bad parent because I don’t know all the current lingo. (or is this an old phrase??? I swear I have never heard it before and I am not really a prude).

  220. I was having a mild dizzy spell and then I read this post and laughed so hard that I nearly passed out. Laughter really is the best medicine (because it leads to unconsciousness).

  221. quite possibly the best text exchange I’ve read to date.

    endless thank you’s for taking my mind off real-life shit for 30 seconds.


  222. even I need a shower now… lol I have a feeling your phone had learned that from you from a previous convo that you just don’t remember though lol!

    jessica N recently posted How to Build Good Credit as a Student.

  223. “my phone is finally starting to recognize jizz.” now that is a sentence i bet you thought you would never type. awesome.

    monica recently posted What to do if you are abducted by aliens..

  224. Funny this. It seems that your phone is to you what you are to Victor: a great source of confusion that you can’t live without. Awesome.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Cows Care.

  225. Note to self (something I should have known, but am too tired to remember) – Self, don’t read this damn blog whilst sitting in an important meeting where you’re-bored-out-of-your-wits-but-your-supervisor-is-sitting-right-across-from-you. You freaking laugh and/or snort every time.

    Jenny, I love ya, but now my boss thinks I’m just not serious about sewage lift stations…

  226. OMGosh ladies, you have to read this. It’s a listing on Amazon for Bic pens for her…
    the funny part is the MOST HELPFUL REVIEW…
    Check it out, it has shades of Jenny written all over it:

    Melodie recently posted Bad Day.

  227. I suppose it would be improper to mention that the word “bukkake” is derived from Japanese roots for “to shower.” So, I won’t mention that.

    At least you weren’t getting a massage while pregnant, in a dimly lit tent enclosure, on a pile of unhygienically soaked sheets…

  228. Horse’s ass. Technology is exhausting.

    Barbara recently posted Sleep Like A Baby.

  229. 232
    Kathy Prado

    My two LEAST favorite forms of Jazz: vibraphone / flute….I’m also stating those would also be my two LEAST favorite forms of jizz.

    You are a daily dose of delight! Wish you would come to the Dallas-Ft. Worth area for your next round of book signings….when will your next brilliant novel be released?


  230. Commentluv…I LOVE that!!!

    leanne tankel recently posted The Adulterer’s Notebook Addition/Pug Update.

  231. I just died laughing! Holy crap, that conversation is straight AWESOME!


  232. That’s completely relatable. And very, very funny.

    literatelibran recently posted Hiding From Reality.

  233. I laughed SO hard at this exchange. I’m pretty sure I just woke up my husband and stepson. I can hear them moving around upstairs. And now I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT I WAS LAUGHING AT.

    Won’t this be interesting. 😛

    Jerimi recently posted Raised Beds, Raised Spirits.

  234. “You’re corrupting your phone with jizz.” I’m never going to be able to unthink that sentence.

  235. I wonder how many other words your phone is going to turn to “jizz” now. My soda pop is jizzy. The orange jizz in the fridge smells funny. Jack and Jizz went up the hill…
    Although that last one seems like an unlikely scenario.

    Beatnik Mary recently posted I'M TIRED OF BOOKS ABOUT RAPE! 10 Recent Reads That I Didn't Expect to Have Rape in Them.

  236. OMG it’s so funny. =) I can imagine how your friend was surprised to read your message.

    Olga recently posted Phonics Cards (Short E Sound).

  237. I find it really odd that after I read this post I went to the grocery store and walked past a car with a license plate that read “LOVE GIZZ”. No lie. I dont think that is something I would want the entire world to know about lol.

  238. Those texts remind me of something I heard on the radio when I was in high school, 15 years ago. There was this radio show called love lines. Dr drew was on it. There was this lady who called up and said that every morning her husband leaves her a cup of jizz. She gets up, microwaves it and drinks it before work. I feel like I’m going to vomit just thinking about it….yuck, I’m so grossed out and this is coming from someone who likes jizz from her husband but fresh and straight out of the can…if ya know what I mean. ;o)

  239. There is also a real word called jizz. It’s how a bird looks. Not at you….what he looks like to you.

  240. This is a must-see for everybody who has posted on this thread:

    [hulu id=47604]

    Funny stuff about jizz, from SNL.

  241. appropos of nothing written here but just 3 words – ‘David Sedaris’ and ‘taxidermy’. Enjoy.


  242. I love it! You’re the best! But at least it was a typo/autocorrect or whatever. I was once at a school function with my now ex-husband when we ran into a woman who was the mom of our little girl’s best friend. I asked ( in my very loud voice) “Carol, did you ever eat my husband?” eat, meet, WTF? He was mad at me for YEARS.

  243. I so needed a laugh today. Thanks for making it the guffawing kind!

    Shannon Not Sharon recently posted An open letter to my depression.

  244. i just *cripped* in my pants from laughing.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted Words get in the way.

  245. Haha! Sounds like a convo I’d have with my best friend. I’m going to have to show her this.

  246. Oh my gawd. That was funny!

    Teeny Bikini recently posted Mission: Fill My Hole.

  247. I’m pretty sure it’s a huge inside joke from the guys who program autocorrect into phones. My phone constantly changes perfectly normal conversations into stuff that would make a porn site blush – stuff I’ve never typed previously. I once typed a congratulatory text to a friend’s cooking idea that was supposed to say “That sounds like an awesome trick. Good Luck” and my phone autocorrected it to “That sounds like an awful dick. Good Fuck”…sheesh

  248. LOVE!

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted The Boston Tragedy: Seeing the Light.

  249. So Because I’m awesome and such I just found out about you. And was doing what I always when I find a new awesome blog, skimming through it. And I found this post, and if I hadn’t been at the library with the fourth grader I might have laughed hysterically. This so sounds like a convo I would have with one of my friends… Love it!!!!

    Bethany@bythebookful recently posted OMG how amazing is this. Divergent three title reveal!!! And V for Veronica Roth.

  250. Hahahhhh..jizz jazz potato puhtato..yea I agree with your friend my phone totally did not recognize jizz had to type that joint in twice..concept..hilarious

  251. 255
    Who Knows?!?

    My phone always tries to autocorrect ‘sorry’ to ‘dirrrrty’…don’t understand that one, but it’s my fave 😉

  252. I will never, NEVER, listen to be-bop with a straight face ever again.

    Adjunct Proff recently posted More Marathon Madness.

  253. If it makes you feel better, I’m 90% certain that my phone knew “jizz” before it knew my name. (hanging head in shame)

    Meg Mc recently posted It won’t die….

  254. This is my favorite!! I had to read it again just because it makes me laugh so hard!

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