It’s a pleasant change when he’s the inappropriate one.

“How much blood will each bag hold?”  ~ Victor to a baffled clerk while buying several boxes of black trash bags at a gas station.

And that’s the reason why I will never divorce this man.*

*Both because of his incredibly inappropriate sense of humor and because I suspect he was imagining my blood in the bags.

***************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Rheel Daze.  From the author: “What happens when instead of pursuing your dreams in your twenties, you settle for every bottle of Bacardi you can get your hands on? You end up trying again in your thirties,  with half the fervor you possessed a decade ago. That’s Kelly. Still chasing the dream…but at a comfortable pace.”

83 thoughts on “It’s a pleasant change when he’s the inappropriate one.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. A marriage made in mutually inappropriate heaven! Luckily for both of us, my inappropriate husband and inappropriate me found each other as well. No one else would ever understand us!

  2. My husband will never ask fun questions like that. I still love him because he doesn’t think I’m crazy when I talk about my characters like they exist. You know because they do exist to me. 😀

  3. The two of you definitely belong together! He may pretend that he doesn’t get you sometimes but, deep down, he really does.

  4. I love saying inappropriate things to people I barely know, I once asked a bank clerk about cheque fraud when cashing a cheque, big mistake.

  5. My hubs and I once had a discussion on how much douche would a douche bag hold if a douche bag was holding it. Yeah, that is how we spend our evenings.

  6. I knew Victor had to be somewhat twisted, glad to find out it’s in such a fun way.

    OMG the sloths………hahahahaha………!!!

  7. It’s one of those moments when your heart just swells with mutual weirdness. Like this morning, when I was making breakfast, and I was a pterodactyl for a minute, and my boyfriend was a T-rex. (It makes even less sense when I type it out. Hmm.)

  8. our husbands are cut from the same cloth – good people. We watch a lot of investigative discovery channel and he worries that if I ever die, the police are going to have a FIELD day trying to figure out which show he used. . . (and I will likely have just been clumsy and dropped the knife and tried to catch it and I stabbed myself . . . because I’m that much of a disaster) – he’s a bit more worried that I might be plotting by watching these shows. .. . and he will now be mortified that I’ve put this on the intertubes where it will live for eternity.

  9. Hmm, just blood? Or is there gooey meaty flesh with it? Because if you have gooey meaty flesh, then I’d go with contractor bags, or better yet, supplement with one of those bins for the Christmas Tree to avoid leakage. I’m assuming you are talking about a moose and not a human body, so you might be need 15 of those bins.

  10. Not sure if you two are perfect for each other because you’ve been together for so long, or if you’ve been together for so long because you’re perfect for each other. I guess it’s another one of those life mysteries people talk about.

  11. Maybe he was imagining your blood in the bags as a contingency plan. Just in case you needed a little extra after the sloths attack. That’s how blood works, right?

  12. I’m wondering if the clerk laughed or called the police. Of course as I write this, I’m realizing that having that question means I assumed it was human blood. Here’s hoping everyone else did too.

  13. It’s also great to see the reactions when you ask clerks where the people cutters are. That happened when I spent so long looking for a gingerbread man cookie cutter, that my brain instantly forgot how to ask for them in a non-insane way when I finally found a worker.

  14. I just love Victor. All us bi-chunk chunk girls who have husbands that not only love us but embrace our crude sense of humor need to stick together…..

  15. One contractor grade bag usually holds about a dozen adult size heads. Can’t say more, don’t ask, don’t tell.

  16. He might want to double-bag, just as a precaution.

    I sortve figured y’all were on the way to your dad’s place when this conversation took place and that dad was doing Spring Cleaning at the ol’ taxidermy shop.

  17. One of my favorite times with my own husband was when we decided to buy a hatchet while we were at the hardware store. After asking a nervous acting employee to show us the hatchets, we asked where the shovels were.

  18. My honey keeps reminding me I can’t kill him in the bathroom, it’s impossible to keep that tub clean and blood would be the worst. He is so good at keeping himself alive

  19. You know it says that on the box right? Unless he was just buying like a fist full of loose bags for some reason. Which would be even more hilarious.

  20. My mother and I are famous for doing this sort of thing while buying cars. “So, is this a 3 body trunk? I can’t go fewer than three. Four would be ideal, or even something similar to nuclear-family sized.”

  21. Your next book should be a relationship book filled with conversations and observations from you and Victor. I would buy it in a heartbeat.

  22. How would you ever know if a sloth was stuffed?

    Or just being a very, s-l-o-w sloth?

    So you’d always be watching it, out of the corner of your eye.

    Just to make sure it was stuffed.

    Not playing possum. Er, sloth.

    To kill you, when you had been lulled into a sense false security.

    All of which would be a big help with the insomnia.

  23. i have an undue fondness for that exact moment of radiating embarrassment/confusion/vague alarm that accompanies someone saying something such as that. Mine was when my neighbor and I were discussing a local vet’s penchant for unnecessary surgery. I said, “Hmm, guess I won’t get Daisy that boob job then.” And thus ensued the radiation of embarrassment, etc…

    xoxox
    jill

  24. That reminds me of the other day when the clerk asked my husband if he had any questions. He turned to her very seriously and asked her “what is the meaning of life?” It took a second for her to realize he was joking. It is priceless to see someone so caught off guard. Keep having fun and sharing it with us!

  25. I love that! My husband would probably run away if I said anything like that. Though he has been known to loudly proclaim that he has no idea who I am. In public. While I’m talking to him.

  26. Jenny, I know this has nothing whatsoever to do with today’s blog, but I have to tell you – I laughed for two days over turkeys carrying around important turkey documents.

  27. Have I mentioned that I love the customize feature on your shirts. I’m wearing one to a horror con on the 25th of May. Needless to say, I had to darken it up some.

  28. Bahahaha. When I was driving home the other day, I saw a trash bag in the middle of the road. For a moment I wondered if I should turn around and make sure no one is in it…

  29. It must be a theme this week @LorcaDamon ‘s 12 year old daughter was enquiring from her mother on the best way to dispose of a body to ensure no evidence was ever found – I am beginning to wonder about you guys over the pond …..

  30. I love that he has seduced you with both a healthy dose of both respect and fear — well done, Victor, well done. He’s the Lady Olenna Tyrell of your house, because, really, everything is about the Game of Thrones.

  31. Victor is either the perfect man for you, or he has become infected with your particular strain of craziness. What would be even funnier is if the clerk had an answer for that question, three gallons per bag, more than that and you risk tearing and that’s just a mess. Do you need paper towels with that?

  32. I have to second the suggestion that you should write a relationship advice book. I would keep it next to my bed for easy reference.

  33. I nominate MsDarkstar (#39) for the win! I too wondered if he was buying trash bags for your father’s taxidermy. That may be because I just finished your book — a friend in Louisville got me a signed copy because your people didn’t send you through Connecticut. And I’m a sucker for autographed books.
    I need to tell you, your wedding photo is absolutely beautiful. You’re a lovely lady inside and out today — and that photo is classically beautiful to boot. 😉

  34. I love your blog. I loved your book. I love you and Victor. I love the comments section. And now I’ll never again look at a trash bag without grinning. Thanks for the laughs.

  35. What would be really sad is if the gas station clerk didn’t blink twice and had a quick answer. That’s when you know you’re on the wrong side of town.

  36. Lovin’ me some Sloth! I used to have one when I was a kid. Okay it wasn’t so much a Sloth as it was my older sister but it was almost identical to having one of my own…she was hairy and slow with sharp nails 😉

  37. Comment #45…Oh thank God. I thought we were the only ones to think that. Last month right after I bought my daughter her “new” car last month, she was showing her grandpa and they discussed that. They settled that it would fit 3 teens or 2 grown men. Good to know.

  38. It’s amazing how we find the special person who can tolerate us even as they stand horrified at what we do.

    One night as I put tofu on the nachos, I jokingly asked my horrified husband “Aren’t you glad you married me?” He said, “Yes, but not for that.

  39. If you ever find a carbon copy of Victor, perhaps a twin brother hiding in the attic, or a long lost cousin twice removed, can you please send him my way? At the moment I’m on a dating site where a man has just messaged me saying if he was a shark he would like to bite me. Please, send a Victor.

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