Keep calm. We’re almost done with this meme.

Okay, you guys?  I’ve been reading these Keep Calm memes for the last 80 billion (internet) years and I just want to scream, “I CAN’T KEEP CALM BECAUSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER AND YOU CONTINUALLY TELLING ME TO KEEP CALM IS JUST MAKING IT WORSE AND NOW I’M SCREAMING ON THE INTERNET AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.”   Seriously, I’m not responsible for that.  But I’ve made a new “Keep Calm” sign designed especially for people like me with extreme anxiety disorders.

You. Are. Welcome.

See.  It’s a perfect circle.  Or a vicious circle.  One of those.

PS.  I’m not glorifying drugs but – in my defense – some drugs are pretty damn glorious.  Like, have you ever had a morphine drip?  Because it’s like being frenched by a unicorn.  A unicorn who has morphine-based saliva.  But you have to rip your arm off to get it, so I don’t recommend it.  Just say no to ripping your own arm off.

PPS.  I think we could have won the War on Drugs with that slogan.  “Just say no to ripping your own arm off.”  Because first of all everyone listens to that advice, and secondly, no one wants to get involved in a class of drugs that ends with you wanting to rip off your own arm.  Probably.

PPPS. “I want this on a t-shirt.”  I KNOW.  Here it is.  Double-sided for Mother’s Day.  Because it both promotes and discourages drug use at the same time, and that dichotomy acknowledges the complicated and multi-layered nature of motherhood.  Plus, you probably need a t-shirt.  It’s not always that deep, y’all.

PPPPS.  As requested, magnets.

170 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Before my bff’s wedding last weekend I made us all breakfast and Xanax mimosas for breakfast. I’m like the Martha Stewart of keeping bridesmaids from getting all gushy up at the witness stand. Er… altar… I don’t really know what to call it when it’s not in a church

    Annie Jay recently posted Can I Please Be That Girl Again?.

  2. Yeeeeessss. There – meme over. Everybody go home.

    Ellie Di recently posted Elective.

  3. This does seem to be a good, permanent solution to the problem of being calm. Honestly, if I never see another one of those posters I’ll be just so happy. It’s like, just stop telling me what to do already.

    LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted The Snack-Based Mystery Theatre presents: “My husband smells like goldfish” and other chilling tales..

  4. Everytime I step off the plane to visit my mother I pop a Xanax, she truly brings out the best of me – well really the Xanax does but you get the idea.

  5. You are so awesome. I want to go rip my own arm off now so I can french a unicorn.

    Julie recently posted Our neighbors.

  6. Expect this to sell out immediately. Even if you don’t have anxiety, you want this!

    thedoseofreality recently posted An Open Letter To Andy Dick.

  7. I’d love this saying on a t-shirt with your face on it, though. Kinda like you’re staring at the people in front of me, telling them to KEEP CALM, MOTHERFUCKERS! TAKE A XANAX!

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted Bucket List Item Crossed Off: SeaWorld San Antonio Aquatica Stingray Interaction.

  8. Seriously, eff that meme. You could taxidermy the dead horse that is that meme if the internet would just stop fucking beating it already.

  9. (which, I think is sort of not the intended consequence of your anti-drug campaign)

  10. Thank you. I freaking hate this meme. This is basically a public service. Basically.

    Melanie recently posted Treasures of the Internet.

  11. “almost” done?

    Simone recently posted Humpty Dumpty got screwed in the deal.

  12. MIB only person on earth where taking a Xanax is like popping sugar pills? I’m all “give me a kpin or gtfo” but I like the overall jist of the message. 🙂

  13. Best “keep calm” meme ever.

    Justice recently posted Debenhams: Body Positive Fashion.

  14. Best one yet, and hopefully the one to end it. I liked the first one posted 80 billion internet years ago and now I’m tired of seeing it. Except this one, this one makes sense.

    Marcia recently posted Letting Go - Original Artwork by seriousface.

  15. It’s ironic that the words “keep calm” have come to be the cause of so very much irritation. It is a smug poster–it knows just saying calm down will piss you off and make you look like the over-reacting douche canoe…

  16. The one that bugs me is that “21 ways to keep your shit together” thing about depression (yes, even though you’re mentioned). Mostly cuz the first couple were too overwhelming for me, so I had to take a lay-down after reading them, before reading the rest of the list. If you need me, I’ll be at the doctors, begging for more antidepressants…

  17. I guess I’m just glad I’m not the only one who wants this meme to be a thing of the past! Although, if I took a Xanax, I probably wouldn’t be as bothered by them as I am.

    Fia recently posted Taking a day off….

  18. 18
    Alicia Lane

    My favorite part about your Zazzle shop is seeing the models standing there all cool-like, totally not knowing what crazy stuff you are going to make them wear. Your “Keep Cool” shirt is one of the best ones so far. Another favorite is “That’s not my pee.” Poor bastard…

  19. Except when you’re allergic to morphine. Then it is more like getting frenched by a hive full of angry bees. Thank GOD I’m not allergic to xanax too.

    Cassie recently posted wordless wednesday.

  20. 20
    Alicia Lane

    My favorite part about your Zazzle shop is seeing the models standing there all cool-like, totally not knowing what crazy stuff you are going to make them wear. Your “Keep calm” shirt is one of the best ones so far. Another favorite is “That’s not my pee.” Poor bastard…

  21. No. I don’t want THAT on a T Shirt, I want THIS on a T Shirt: Have you ever had a morphine drip? Because it’s like being frenched by a unicorn.

  22. If my husband wants me to completely lose my shit he tells me to calm down.

  23. 23
    The Original Lisa

    Yeah, that whole ” This is your brain on drugs” frying pan ad just made me hungry. Ripping off your arm might take it to a whole new level. As an added bonus I wouldn’t feel the need to make fried egg sandwiches. My ass thanks you.

  24. It’s about damn time. That’s a “keep calm” slogan I can get behind. (Even if I take the baby Xanax that “OH MY GOD HOW DO THEY EVEN HELP YOU?!” dose. At least that’s what you called them. And I agree.)

  25. I want the shirt!!

    Ari recently posted My weekend, in pictures..

  26. Love this! Xanax definitely helps with the meme.

    literatelibran recently posted I'm in the Newspaper!.

  27. The whole keep calm meme annoys the fuck out of me. Who started that shit?

    My Half Assed Life recently posted Being nice is over-rated..

  28. I’ve hated that meme since its debut. Seriously… I have an issue with authority, and all I think, when I see this, is “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO MEME!” Because I’m crazy like that.

    And also, I’m out of Xanax. So they do pose sort of an issue.

    Cathy recently posted Blog prompt to get me back in the game…..

  29. You don’t have t rip your own arm off to get a morphine drip. You just have to beat a wookie at chess.

  30. And let us hope, that with the most literal of “keep calm” adaptation, this meme can finally die. Isn’t hoping for things you know won’t happen fun?

    Kitty recently posted Those patterns, you know the ones.

  31. I can speak from experience that morphine is pretty awesome. Well, awesome except for having to have my leg cut off in order to get it, and the withdrawal symptoms after I

  32. Considering I just took one and I feel really ashamed about needing to, thanks for this. Anxiety sucks.

  33. You can’t make this sh*t up! You’ll love it!

  34. I had a morphine drip once. Then of course the only thing that was on the hospital TV was Antiques Road Show. Let’s just say it was the best episode of Antiques Road Show I had EVER watched.

    Holly Folly recently posted Edging the Garden..

  35. I have given up on calm especially when I drive. I swear at everybody equally, giant,half size, purple, orange, round, narrow. I don’t think a Xanax would do the trick with me probably only a lobotomy.

    Vivian recently posted It should have a uni-brow.

  36. My 9 year old son was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Telling him to keep calm while he’s having a panic attack is about as useful as telling someone being blown away by a hurricane to just stop being blown around. (Yes, he’s taking medicine. It helped turn his panic attacks from many each day lasting a half hour or more each to one or two per week lasting about 10 minutes.)

    TechyDad recently posted Waging War On Chipmunks and Rabbits.

  37. Stupid kindle keyboard! Withdrawal was no fun but compared to the pain after getting a leg cut off it was pretty insignificant. Found myself talking to myself a great deal while I was on it, as if I was narrating my life.

  38. Um now I’m thinking of unicorn porn. Thanks.

    Mary Anne recently posted How the Prom is Like a Trip to Disney.

  39. I can’t have morphine because I’m allergic, THANKS. Now I’ll never french a unicorn. *sob* Nice meme though.

    Fleur recently posted Quiz times.

  40. This is the perfect meme. Love it.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted How to Keep a Relationship Fresh.

  41. I’ve had a morphine drip and all I got was nausea and vomiting. Where were my fucking unicorns!? I got ripped off!

    MichelleW recently posted Aluminum Chef.

  42. 42
    Kathy P in Pittsburgh

    In response to My Half-Assed Life’s question, the Keep Calm and Carry On posters were a product of the British War Ministry in WWII. They didn’t see much circulation at the time, but in 2000, the posters were rediscovered. ” The Internet ” got hold of them, and now the meme is overused and irritating.
    I hope that wasn’t a rhetorical question.
    Going back to my morphine drip now….

  43. Probably not the purpose of this post, but it makes me wonder if ativan is enough for me. If I should experiment with other meds.

    prin recently posted I dream of Jemma..

  44. Being a Xanax junkie, this is the best, and now only that I’ll recognize, meme of ‘Keep Calm’. You soooo hit the nail on the head!!

  45. I had a morphine drip once. It was amazing, the whole world was warm and happy and golden colored. Seriously, everything glowed gold. I completely understand how people would get addicted to that stuff. I didn’t have a missing limb either, they use it as a last ditch attempt to stop premature labor.

  46. I’m pretty certain that I’d have to rip off my own arm just to get some Xanax in this town. For real.

  47. I feel the same way about all the tomorrow is a new day bullshit

    Kerry recently posted Mantra to overcome depression….

  48. Thank you Jenny! Good Lord I’ve been looking for one with Valium or tequila on it for a year now!

    Sara recently posted Someday....

  49. klonopin works for me!

    Corey Feldman recently posted Egret the Elephant: Volume 2 – Sneak Peek.

  50. My morphine drip made me want to rip my own arm off….so I think I’ll just take the shirt.
    And a Xanax.

    Melissa recently posted I have the best online Matron of Honor evar.

  51. The only thing with two X’s that will ever touch these lips are Dos Equis.

    Keep them calm and cold.

    And bring on the enchiladas.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted R.I.P. George Jones: Marvin & the Minnows Salute You.

  52. I’m loving that this is available on a onesie.

  53. I highly recommend a dilaudin drip as well. That shit is MAGICAL. It might be worth ripping an arm off.

    jennie lynn recently posted Reasons to Walk Your Kids to School (Extremely Cursey).

  54. Magnet. I need this on my fridge. All. The. Time.

  55. I’m sick of the “keep calm” crap myself. If I want to go bat-freaking-shit- crazy, I’m gonna!! And I’m SO jealous you know what frenching a unicorn feels like. I mean, like, seriously jealous.

    batpoopcrazy recently posted Brain Farts Suck.

  56. Great t-shirt, but it needs an asterisk and small print at the bottom that says *but don’t act like you need it or your doc won’t give you anymore* I’ve found that the LESS I outwardly appear to need xanax, the more willing my doc is to give them to me, which I gotta say really pissed me off. I mean, why do I have to pretend to be cool to get my freak out drugs??? So NOT cool! So the meme is great, just don’t be all obvios about it or your good doctor might cut you off, then you’ll be up freak creek without a xanax~ that is alle

  57. 57

    now, don’t go batshit on me when i say, anyone who suffers from anxiety should remove gluten for at least 30 days and see how you feel. try for 60.

    i used to get panic attacks and have awful anxiety. removed gluten. problem solved. i’m just sayin’, i could never have imagined.

    carry on.

  58. Thank you! I am so over the keep calm meme. Most people don’t even know the history of the original saying. And if they did, they might not be so quick to use it.

    Sometimes I don’t want to keep calm. Sometimes I want to freak the fuck out.

    Dawnie recently posted 30 Day Drawing Challenge - Just a Doodle.

  59. One could substitute Prozac (or Zoloft or Celexa) on that shirt and it would still make perfect sense.

    kmkat recently posted A few words on winter..

  60. I’ve never had morphine or xanax. I’ve been self-medicating with wine. Now I am considering broadening my horizons.

  61. I have a little pill box keychain for my Xanax, and it’s engraved (in large friendly letters) “DON’T PANIC” … I’m a big Douglas Adams fan, but it’s got layers!

  62. I think your idea of keeping calm is so much better anyway!

    Mexmom recently posted Seven facts of seven.

  63. I haven’t had xanax. I have only had morphine once and it felt good, giggly good for about 20 minutes and then I passed out and don’t remember anything else.

    Kattie recently posted What is wrong with me?.

  64. Sometimes I think you are in my head, which could be good, oraybe not 😉

    I could have written this. Okay, I really couldn’t have, because I’m not you. But, if you are in my head, maybe I am you, or you are me. Whatever it is, Jenny, I aspire to have your wit.

  65. awesomeness, just pure awesomeness 😉

    Carrie recently posted Diane Sawyer arranged for my Service Dog.

  66. Wait wait wait, one more thing. My husband always tells me to “relax.” Makes me flip out even more & I just want to rip his head off.

  67. I HAVE had a morphine drip, on multiple occasions. I never came anywhere near unicorn land. Now I feel cheated.

  68. 68

    Best part of a c-section was the morphine. I mean, the resulting kid was cool, too, but for like the first 45 minutes after I was closed up, I was all “Yeah, that baby is cute, guys, but I STILL CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS AND THAT IS SOOOOOOO WEIRD.” And a lot of far off staring and giggling.

  69. I recently stopped taking my anti-anxiety/antidepressant meds bc they made me gain 20 pounds. So not good when I already looked like mamma June. So the weight gain already made me more depressed. I can’t even tell you where my head has been lately bc I’m not entirely sure. But let me tell ya, there ain’t no fuckin unicorns anywhere to be seen. I had my husband lock up the guns. I don’t trust myself with access to them.

  70. This is one “Keep Calm” meme I can appreciate. Although I prefer Prozac. 🙂

    Crystal recently posted Brown Sugar Glazed Crock Pot Ham.

  71. It’s the calm ones you have to worry about. They wear their crazy on the inside.

    Sandy@Sinsationally Me recently posted If it wasn't for the last minute.

  72. I’m going to have to disagree on the morphine drip. When I had it for my c-section I basically wanted to claw my face off. The itching, my God, the itching!!! I don’t know how heroin addicts do it, I really don’t.

  73. I never had Xanax so I mist be the minority… I could probably use some though.
    Morphine drips on the other hand… I certainly had those a few times.
    ever notice how you know EXACTLY when to start pushing that pain pump button when you are on the timer and then you are all nice an comfy again…

    I need one of those!!!

    TReese recently posted AdSense Money Making Secrets.

  74. You are THE best. Thank you! Can’t see these damn slogans anymore without wanting to beat the shit out of someone. I can’t keep calm I’m freaking MANIC you idiot. Or depressed. Or possibly both. (I think that’s too long for a shirt so I’ll go with yours though).
    I think you should have this patented so no one can steal it.

  75. I had a morphine pump 6 weeks ago, it was heaven. frankly, as sucky as this entire cancer experience is, the morphine pump was sort of maybe kind of worth it. just a tiny bit. and an email from you. that was TOTALLY worth it!

    Virginia recently posted Radio-active fun.

  76. There’s a restaurant near me with the slogan “keep calm and carry out” etched in the window. The first time I saw it I was all excited about how witty and punny it was, but now i feel bad for them that the meme has run it’s course and they took the time to have it permanently etched in their windows. A sign would’ve been sufficient.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Mixtape Monday!.

  77. Ha! I should wear this to my next anxiety group.

  78. two awesomeness for the price of one. i cannot resist.

    monica recently posted Did my family buy a zoo?.

  79. Between termites nearly getting into her house and getting sued three years after a wreck, I think my mom needs this Keep Calm shirt. Mine would mention hydrocodone since I’ve been fed a lot of that lately with this root canal and wrist stuff going on. If only it didn’t make me such a bitch the next day. 🙂

    PS I didn’t rip my wrist off to get the hydrocodone. I let a doctor disable my thumb for two weeks to correct some pain and it has really only made the pain worse and my thumb is fubared majorly. Sucks.

  80. I cannot wait for the chance to buy that shirt as a gift for someone…

    Emelie recently posted Ready for My Day? I Sure Am!.

  81. Keep Calm and Stay on the Unicorn

    Kathleen recently posted Poetry Tarot.

  82. I have had a morphine pump – got a cramp in my thumb cause I kept pushing it hoping it would work – the nicest white fuzzy cat and a bunch of chickens visited my hospital room – we had a wonderful time! (Until I quit breathing and they took the morphine away from me ;-{ – fun while it lasted!)

  83. i fucking love this. people relax in different ways. don’t judge!

  84. OMG. That must be mine. Like yesterday.

  85. Telling somebody to keep calm is on par with those people who like saying “Smile! It can’t be that bad!” to random strangers as they walk down the street. It’s a testament to my utter self control that I’ve never yet taken anybody to the ground and held a knife to their throat screaming “You don’t know how fucking bad it is.”

    Jen recently posted Dogs and their Owners.

  86. 87
    Cookie McCool

    Anxiety sucks, but anxiety drugs are AWESOME.

  87. Took a Xanax last night, slept better than I had in 3 months. Anxiety sucks eggs!

  88. You are my hero. Seriously. Your sarcastic witticisms make me feel sane in a world in a boring crazy people…or at least feel like the right kind of crazy.

    I would sit and further expound my adoration for your blog, but I have to get my ‘drunken pork roast’ into the oven…at this time of the day at our house, even the roast needs a cocktail.

    Tina C. recently posted Keep America (and my clevage) Beautiful or Why I Need a Coverup Tattoo for Mother’s Day.

  89. How about Take a Xanax and Drink A Glass of Wine? Now there’s a combination!!!

  90. 91
    Nancy Staub

    You are Fuckingnawesome!!, love your blog and book! Most of all love you and Victor!! You both truly have it!!! While you need Xanax to be in public the public needs to be on Xanax for me

  91. It’s just a lame-ass meme? It has no glorious origins, like from a TV show or something? I knew there was a reason I was completely unimpressed. I have no need for Xanax (Hubs may disagree), but I’m game for frenching a unicorn.

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted The Nothingness that Almost Ate Me Once.

  92. Can we get a “just say no to ripping your arm off” shirt too?

    (It’s on the back-side of the shirt. Double your pleasure, and all that. ~ Jenny)

    Zena Zee recently posted Accomplishments for the Day:.

  93. Am I the only person here for whom pain meds don’t do a DAMN thing? Morphine, hydrocodone — the lot — don’t even touch pain when I have it, which really sucks.

    Xanax, on the other hand — had 2 (not at the same time; more like 5 hours apart) of those today, because I thought I was gonna crawl out of my skin before a potentially contentious meeting this afternoon.

  94. Morphine is a good thing and I love the whole unicorn metaphor….. that’s deep dudette….

    Too bad we have to lose a limb to get it 🙁

    Kat recently posted A Little Bit of Me Time.

  95. Shit. As a recovering alcoholic nobody on God’s green earth would give me a Xanax. I did have some diluadid after a surgery- a girl could get used to that too, but in my case it’s best not to….

  96. Keeping calm is highly over rated. Best thing to do is let your crazy fly. ^_~

  97. Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm, keeeeeeep callllllllm. I love this meme that you created, it hits the nail right on the head. On a side note, this whole keep calm meme needs to go the way of harlem shake… has run its course.

    Jeremy recently posted Best Way to Reheat French Fries.

  98. im a really chill person but when someone tells me to “calm down” i wanna punch them in the face. i never do, but its so condescending.. “calm down”.

  99. You’re awesome, your meme is awesome, and the shirt is awesome, but holy hot tshirt guy, where’s he been my whole life? Can I put him in the cart??

  100. I was given morphine once when I had a headache in the ER. It hurt going in like they were injecting me with a mixture of sand, hydrochloric acid, and liquid fire, but that might have been in part due to the perforated IV they were ignoring. Also it did zilch for the headache or the high.
    Ativan, however, is where it’s AT. Damn I have never FELT so calm and comfortable and floaty before or since.

  101. Why keep calm? Get excited about fun stuff instead, like my new mascot a friend made for me: BATCAT×300.jpg

    Dark Matter Fanzine recently posted Competition: BatCat needs a name.

  102. This pretty much sums up today and a lot of the past ten months!

  103. IS. MY. MANTRA. Hate to admit it but without Xanax I would……..rather not think about it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

  104. Best version of this meme ever.

  105. Hmmm. I prefer Klono – Xanax just makes me want to go to sleep. But I would buy the t-shirt just so I could wear it around Park Slope to see the mix of nods and winks mixed with looks of horror.

    Deirdre recently posted The Sixth Borough.

  106. I don’t need Xanax…I just need your humor…ok maybe I DO need Xanax…my kids think so…but what the hell do my kids know…they are on Vyvanse…

  107. I’m a big Anglophile, so Keep Calm and Carry On is a bit of a mantra for me. Only, it’s not really working so well right now. You see, I just lost my third job in approximately 3 years. As a result, my anxiety and depression are through the roof. (It doesn’t help that they contributed to some of the lost jobs.) To cheer me up, a friend recently introduced me to your blog and I’ve been reading it in reverse order. (I’m currently at February 7, 2012.) I also picked up a paperback copy of your book and devoured it in short order. Today, while reading some more of your blog, I was struck by a bit of inspiration and took this photo as a reminder to myself:

    Thank you for your blog and your book and for making me feel like it’s okay to be myself in this comment.

    Also, because sometimes it’s nice to pretend to be someone else for awhile, I have a second Twitter account:
    Serotonin Teabiscuit –

  108. Oh, beautiful morphine. My appendix quit me and took part of my intestine with it a few years back, and I just remember drifting in and out of consciousness with my inflatable boots pumping blood out of my legs and my morphine and the gloriously happy time that it was. For some reason I couldn’t handle any noise — including TV or people talking to me, but that was fine, too, because I was happy enough to float around on my morphine cloud. It was a rude awakening a few days later when I was home with some off-brand Vicodin, and started hallucinating and feeling like I was made of lead, paralyzed and sinking into any abyss under bed. Sadness.

    kara recently posted Racing, Riding.

  109. Ummm what is a “Basic American Apparel T-Shirt”? And for that matter, what is a “Value T-Shirt”?? And if the American T-Shirt is basic, why is it more expensive than 2 of the other 3 t-shirts?? When is a T-Shirt not just a T-shirt?? You know, T-shaped?? Awwwww my head hurts!!!!
    Now where’d I put my xanax???

  110. Keeping calm is for sissies. Having a shit hemorrhage is a dying art form. Everyone wants us to be calm but how can we be calm when there are people out there who are fucking batshit crazy and they are coming for us sane ones!

    I’m just sayin’……………..

    Sj recently posted For All The Teachers.

  111. OMG YES. I have and I do. And yes, it’s EXACTLY like that.

  112. I think someone should make one that says “Feel free to freak out, then take a xanax and calm the fuck down”

    The Suzzzz recently posted It's all yoga's fault.

  113. Bloggess you da bomb! How did anyone not think of this?!

    Miss Gee recently posted I Feel A Little Naked, A Little Free..

  114. I don’t know from xanex, yet. I do know that my Effexor keeps me from weeping while watching a baseball game. Or painting the dog pink.

  115. I feel like if you french kissed a unicorn, you would NEED morphine. Unicorns seem like they would be aggressive kissers with lots of tongue and some over the shirt hoof action. (They have hooves, right?)

    But I guess that’s the perfect conundrum, isn’t it? French kissing a unicorn causes the need for morphine, but you can only get morphine from french kissing a unicorn.

    Now THAT should be on a t-shirt with the arrows and circular reasoning.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted Farrah Abraham’s “oopsie” video and why I’m sure it was an accident.

  116. Oh Jenny…first of all, I’ve always found that “Keep Calm…”statement a bit glib. I mean, if one is calm by nature, they don’t need to be reminded to do so. If not, a trite little saying isn’t going to help. (Altho makes sense it came from the Brits (#42). Pip pip, jolly good, stiff upper lip, and all that stuff). Secondly, I’ve never had xanax or morphine, but during my contraction (yeah just the one. one really big 8 hour long uterus-kicking pitocin induced contraction) the nice nurse took pity on me and gave me an injection of stadol while I was awaiting my cervix to get with the program so I could have my face time (or back time as the case may be) with the epidural man. What an amazing, glorious, unbelievable feeling. That was 15 years ago, and to this day, I can vividly remember the almost immediate cessation of pain as I floated above looking down on me in my hospital bed… Alas, much like you can’t recommend ripping off your own arm to get morphine, I can’t recommend shooting an 8# 13oz person out of your vagina to get Stadol!

  117. Jenny, you are simply awesome! Thanks for helping get through the day!

  118. On a magnet? Please? I need something to remind me in the middle of a panic attack.

  119. I like “Get angry and Throw it on the ground” instead of Keep Calm. Really, keeping calm just eats you up on the inside!

  120. The frenching of the unicorn made me actually LOL.

    My office now think I’m weird. Thanks, Jenny.

    Bronnie recently posted Sunshine and beef jerky..

  121. Morphine drips are great. I’ve had a few very painful experiences in my life that necessitated them. Once, the nurse asked me how I felt just after it hit me and I said, “I feel like a warm kitten” before falling into a perfect, dreamless, blissful sleep.

    But, yeah, I’d proooooobably choose to keep my arm if those were my choices.

    Nicole Smeltzer recently posted The Tunnel Challenge.

  122. THANK YOU! I have anxiety/fibromyalgia, and this meme has angered me FOREVER.

    ash recently posted It Was NOT Raining Men.

  123. I’ve been saying this for years! During the holidays, if you bake Xanax right into the crust of pumpkin pie, everyone is happier and the fights stop!

    Hip-Baby Mama recently posted Nothing in Particular.

  124. And when everything else fails:

  125. Keep Calm and Give me a Xanax (and no one ELSE gets their arm ripped off).

    *Disclaimer: While i totally respect Jenny and the rest of you who truly need Xanax, I don’t actually want one….

  126. just out of a miserable meeting and LMAO at this, thank you xxxx

    Tom Stronach recently posted Mr FAT'S day with the nice doctor......

  127. Actually, what I now want on a tshirt is “Like being frenched by a unicorn.”

  128. The war on drugs will never be the same….
    Good job, Jenny!

    The Hook recently posted If This Post Doesn’t Get Me Freshly Pressed, NOTHING Will!.

  129. I need an anxiety t-shirt that warns people to back off a little and to quit asking me “Are you OK?”. This might just have to work. =)

    danielle recently posted Zoo!.

  130. Sigh. I wish I could take xanax. I have decent anxiety from time to time, aka only twice a day. And it just knocks me out. One quarter of a .25mg and I MIGHT be able to tie my shoe. MIGHT.

    Maybe I could just lick one. Just one lick to quell my inner FREAKINGOUTHOLYSHITMAKEITSTOP. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a xanax pop? Frankly that is a goldmine right there. I am just throwing it out there.

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted Two Days.

  131. 132
    Stephanie Jones


  132. I LOVE IT. (Although mine would say Keep Calm and take Ativan)

    Alison recently posted Yo-yo Ma made me skip class.

  133. Has telling someone to Keep Calm ever worked? It’s guaranteed to make me escalate.

    As far as drugs go – some drugs need to be glorified. I couldn’t function without my migraine medicine. I barely coped for years before it was invented, so I know.

    Sue recently posted Blooming Palo Verde tree.

  134. Awesome! I have to get one of these for my mother for Mother’s Day. Although, I should probably get her a copy of your book too so that she will understand how the front and the back of the shirt relate . . . or rather, that it’s okay that maybe they don’t.

    Tarl recently posted Unconscious Thoughts of an Asshole’s Mind.

  135. Sweet, sweet morphine saliva. That would numb the pain until another one of these memes takes over the world. Then it’s off to find another unicorn and rip off my other arm.

    Chris recently posted Distraction techniques.

  136. eye ball s wide..frenching a unicorn.???? Best phrase of the week and its not even hump day

  137. A friend introduced me to your blog with the Rooster story about a week ago….I love it! Keep up with your passion it’s Awesome!

    ~ Lori

  138. If only you actually got a Xanax with each tshirt purchase…

    Laura recently posted This Lesbian Has Finally Found the Right Man.

  139. I want a blanket with the whole “I can’t calm down cause I have an anxiety disorder…” on it. How great would it be to go grab your blanket and hide under it?! Then your husband would know you were having one of your ‘moments’ and he should just quitely back out of the room and run like hell.

  140. I LOVE IT. I need one of those, like, now. Except, does it come in Ativan?

    Karen Peterson recently posted In Which I Realize I'm Sick of Being a Single, Mormon, 30-Something.

  141. To think that I recently turned down a morphine drip.


  142. WHAT?? That’s what happens on morphine drips? I’m missing out…seriously. Except I like both arms attached and have no intention of becoming a Wampa or that poor other armless fellow from Star Wars (you know, the one in the Cantina who didn’t like Luke?…wait, maybe it’s not liking Luke that results in loss of appendages…)

    Jess recently posted I'm Too Lewd for Google...Mwahahahaha.

  143. ” I’m not glorifying drugs but – in my defense – some drugs are pretty damn glorious.” needs to be on a t-shirt!!!

  144. I didn’t have to lose a body part to get my morphine drip, although initially it looked like I might. If you count a kidney stone as a body part. But ultimately the medical profession realized that it wasn’t the kidney stone that caused the morphine-prescribed-for pain but a severe gastrointestinal infection. Which I guess you could say caused me to lose other body parts. OK, more accurately it was probably body contents, but what the hell – close. How long does it take IV morphine to wear off, by the way? It’s been 4 weeks.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  145. Thank you! I have one of those keep calm posters up and it just makes me so anxious. I thought it was just me! I want to take it down all the time, but it felt like I would just be encouraging the crazy. Also, Xanax is one of the seven wonders in my world. Delightful.

  146. 147
    Kathy Prado

    Yes – morphine should be an over-the-counter option for all of us….
    Back when I was still teaching (yay retirement!!) – I got called to the office and was told I was behaving
    inappropriately because I shared an injury-accident story with my students with the concluding statement “And morphine is the BEST drug ever made,”
    Seems some parents took offense and suggested that I was promoting drug use.
    Good think no one checked my purse for Prozac – I might have REALLY gotten in trouble!

  147. I agree: fuck that meme. The only one I ever found that I liked was where it breaks off at the L in Calm and then there’s blood splashed across it.

    Adrasteia recently posted Five oranges and a blank blog page.

  148. I freaking love this. Xanax is not my drug of choice, mine is Lexapro…it works. Added bonus I was FINALLY diagnosed with an anxiety order and ODC (that’s the way it should be dammit). Why am I happy…well now a medical professional agrees with what I’ve been saying all along. About time too. Anywho I might need to get me one of those shirts and sharpie over the Xanax bit. 😉 I have subscriptions I know.

    Courtney recently posted She’s Got Audrey Hepburn Legs.

  149. I had a morphine drip once. Turns out I’m either highly allergic or was over-dosed (nobody is admitting anything) and in those instances death occurs. Death = not fun. Also resuscitation from death = not fun, but better than the alternative. Also I think if one dies and is resuscitated they are obligated to have some sort of weird/wonderful/creepy near death experience. Me? Nope. Life just ends. There is nothing else. Bummer.

  150. If you haven’t already, the story of the original keep calm poster is pretty interesting. It was a 1940s WWII era poster for the Brits in case they were invaded. It was never actually released but I wonder if they actually thought that releasing would help keep people calm….

  151. OMFG I hate those stupid memes. and memes in general

  152. I want a t-shirt that just reads:

    – Victor.

    I would totally buy that.

  153. I had a morphine drip once. It made me have crazy dreams of gigantic bugs climbing the walls. I to this day have morphine flashbacks….not so good.

  154. I think businesses, schools, homes (ESPECIALLY airports) should have Xanax licks– you know, like the salt blocks they make for cattle? Only instead of being made of salt: Xanax! If someone needs to feel calm, just dash over and give the block a few slurps. Everybody wins. You’re welcome.

  155. Ever heard of a drug called Krokodil? Apparently that drug is good enough to lose limbs to. Check it out. There’s some pretty scary stuff out there. Don’t watch any video’s if you’re sensitive to extreme body damage or younger than say….21

  156. I’ve never understood the stay calm part anyway. I’ve never created anything great calmly.

    ClevelandPoet recently posted The one where I’m oblivious.

  157. I have never heard the term “Frenching” before…but it sounds ten times more dirty than what it actually is. Like, um, felching (if you’re sweet and innocent and don’t know what that word means…PLEASE DON’T GOOGLE IT. Stay innocent).

    Claire J recently posted DoE Story.

  158. 160
    Who Knows?!?

    Yep, morphine drips are great…and stadol…and demerol too. Is it wrong to jump at the surgical option each time, instead of trying less invasive methods first, just because you know you’re gonna get good drugs?!? Well, if it is, me bad!

  159. This is a fabulous version of the Keep Calm movement. It is now my fav and has replaced “Keep Calm and Aim for the Head” (a zombie thing) that I loved before.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted The Gratitude Quilt.

  160. Last night in CVS, I saw a little plush unicorn and I debated with myself for several minutes whether or not I should take a photo of me making out with it.
    In the end, I decided not to, because I don’t know where that unicorns mouth has been.

  161. When the first “Keep Calm” posters and memes came out, I liked them. Now there are everything and I have reached a state where I immediately feel fury when I see them. So the Keep Calm campaign has turned to Get Furious. Go figure.

    Vicky recently posted All that Glitters.....

  162. OMG! Thank you so much saying what I think on a daily basis.

  163. And I read this weekend that there is a big law suite going on over the original poster Keep Calm and Carry On.–into-a-feud-20130503-2ix55.html

  164. I’m quite sure, every day you read something along yhe lines of “omg I love you!!” Or “we are the same person, I have to know you”

    I think we have a similar sense of humor, but
    More than I can relate to you, I think you are hilarious. There is a store on my street corner
    Called artistic taxidermy and they regularly advertise antler light sales.

    I would love to meet you someday… But I’m very nervous to do so. In The mean time, I have so much respect for you!


  165. You made magnets!!!! You have MADE MY DAY. 🙂

    Tara recently posted Gratitude.

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  167. 169
    Susie B.

    I have a sign in my office that says, “FREAK OUT AND THROW SHIT.” Works for me.

  168. Yeah. There are only a few of those signs I like because, well, I am rarely calm as well. Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder…fun stuffs. Um, not so much. The xanax one is awesome! If I listed all my meds on a poster well, it would be pretty big – but they don’t keep me very calm anyway. So yeah, that whole ‘Keep Calm’ thing has always set my teeth on edge. How about making one to give to the people who started those things that says “Keep Calm and Shut the Fuck Up!” But I do like the “keep calm’ memes from Supernatural:
    – Keep Calm and Carry Salt
    – Keep Calm and Yell Assbutt
    and the Hunger Games one:
    -Keep Calm and May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor
    there’s tons but those are my favorites.

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