Stop telling me what to do, door.

I saw this on pinterest and it wasn’t attributed to anyone, which is probably good because it’s basically a picture of your door telling you what to do.  Which is kinda fucked up.  Because now you’re taking orders from a door.

Stop being so demanding. You're a fucking door.

Some people will say it’s a nice idea because positive suggestions are almost always a good thing, but I think if you’re at the point when you’re looking to your door for advice then you probably need more help than just the generic “Be more awesome.”

That’s why I suggest writing these on your doorjamb instead:

It's a little creepy, but sweet. Mostly creepy though.

 

This one's good because it has lowered expectations, and also because if you do fuck something up you can just blame it on your door forcing you to do things and no one will argue with you because you sound too unbalanced to engage with.

 

The original just said "Don't set stuff on fire" but then I changed it because this way it appeals to arsonists too, and I think door advice should be more inclusive.

 

And my personal favorite:

Because...yeah.

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by I Just Want to Pee Alone*,  a collection of 37 essays from some of the funniest mom bloggers on the web. Each essay is the perfect length to read during a pee break, and if you leave the book in your bathroom you should finish it in approximately 37 pees. Hence, this book prevents urinary tract infections and possibly depression.  Your bladder will thank you.  This book makes a fabulous mother’s day gift.

140 thoughts on “Stop telling me what to do, door.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I want the sign that says “go fuck shit up”. That would motivate the hell out of me each day. But I think I want it in the shower instead of over the door. Over the door I would put “You’re out of milk. Probably.”

  2. The one I saw the other day said “I just wrote on the door. Take THAT society!”

    Turns out society really didn’t care…

  3. Thanks for the shout out for our book! 🙂 You rock! I do not appreciate doors that give me rules to follow…I have enough of that from my children! 😉

  4. I think the motto for the tribe should be “go fuck shit up”. Then when we get in trouble for it, you say–“well the door told me to do it”.

  5. The last one is the best though I would substitute DAMN with FUCKIN. Sounds more… authentic… that way. And we all want to be authentic, right? Even doors have feelings!

  6. When you talk to inanimate objects, people think you’re weird, but when inanimate objects talk to you it’s supposed to be inspirational?

  7. I love the fact that the door frame bossing you around upsets you as well. I have flipped the bird more times than I care to mention due to bossy signs. Yeah, I might need to up my therapy.

  8. “walk like an Egyptian”
    “don’t forget to put on deoderant”
    “did you turn off the stove?”

    These are the sort of things that need to be written on door frames ’cause I sometimes forget to put on deoderant and to walk like an Egyptian.

  9. If this were my house, the messages over the doors would be for the kids…”don’t forget your backpack”, “put the milk away”, “FLUSH THE TOILET!!!”, “stop being mean to your sister”… You get the idea. Then I would have more free time, because all the doors in the house would be doing the parenting for me 😉

  10. I can’t imagine my door ever telling me what to do. eff off, door!

    And LOVED that book so very much. I’m glad you recommend it, too! :>

  11. To be fair, it isn’t really the door so much as the wall directly above the door’s frame. The door itself is a wee bit offended. 😉

  12. I can only imagine what a toilet would tell you to do:
    “Stop eating those damn burritos, man!”, comes to mind…

  13. I love “Go Fuck Shit Up” I do it all the time, but if I had this I could tell people “the door made me do it.” That would be awesome.

  14. OH. MAH. GAH. That book you just mentioned? “I Just Want To Pee Alone” I’m in it. I think I just peed a little in my pants.. and whaddya know, I AM alone. ‘Scuse me while I go change my Underoos. THANKS! squeeeeeee

  15. Is there really any difference between the door telling you what to do and the plethora of notes I leave myself? Well, except the door thing is more permanent.

    The Wil Wheaton video was inspiring. The weasel video was uber cute. You find the best stuff. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Unless, by “do something amazing” it’s asking you to find the secret passage to London Below. Those kind of doors and that Door? was pretty awesome!! 🙂

    Don’t mind me, I just have a huge crush on Neil Gaiman. He. Is…..well, married. Bleh.

  17. That book rocks. And my urinary tract has never been happier. And I’m not just saying that because I wrote part of this book. Nope. Totally unbiased.

  18. This shit is hilarious.

    I should put one above my office door that says, “Yes, you do need more coffee” or, if it’s after 5 p.m., “Go ahead and open that bottle of [wine/tequila/vodka].”

  19. Those cards….if I bought those cards, a few years down the line, my hypoethetical unborn child’s principal would call me. You know that, right?

  20. I just do not get pinterest. Like, I once glittered a door jamb (and the switch covers) in my dressing room (…and the mailbox…and a chair…) and therefore I think I should, somehow ‘get’ pinterest, like those are my people. But I don’t quite get it…guidance would be appreciated as new hobbies are always good (unless it’s glittering stuff – because glitter always gets everywhere – EVERYWHERE including your eyes).

  21. If I wrote something above my door, it’d have to be something like “Watch where you’re going, you’re about to hit the…oh, forget it.” Thanks for sharing our book! Taking urinary tract infection medications off the market one essay at a time.

  22. How about “Get in here and let me hug you?” You know, because the door is wrapping itself around you every time you walk through it…

  23. Research shows that positive affirmations actually have the opposite effect. So the things you write are more likely to do good. You’re such a humanitarian. Totally dig that about you, Jenny!

  24. I want to put “Go fuck shit up” above my door! I would feel so accomplished because I indeed fuck shit up everyday!
    Thanks for the book shout out!

  25. My teacher housemate has a rock in her classroom with “Turn me over” written on it; and “You’re so dumb you took orders from a rock!” on the underside…

  26. 1st – I’m rushing out to Michael’s to buy stuff to be all ‘crafty’ and make the ‘Go Fuck Shit Up’ one for above my door. I’ll feel very accomplished as I carry on my daily routine of fucking shit up.

    2nd – My husband was just watching that Wil video this morning! I had to go into the whole ‘Wil Wheaton Collating’ and I guess I used too many words because I just got a blank stare from him. But. Yeah. Winning!! We found some thing in common we could talk about for a change. Kinda…

  27. It could have been worse. The “Do something amazing” one could have been over the bathroom door lol.

  28. That’s a really strange place to put a saying… I can’t say I often look at the area above the doors I go through… Now I’m going to have to start. Who knows what people could be putting up there.

  29. Please makes these into stickers so I can discreetly put them above doors in public places. And by “discreetly” I mean, “jumping and trying to strategically slap a sticker on the wall with my hand because I’m short while I hope no one’s watching”.

  30. At one point, I had above my door “Today, If you’re not confused, you’re probably just not thinking clearly.” For years, it said that…

  31. My door used to tell me to remember my keys. When I was in middle/high school, my door reminded me not to slam it, or my parents would take it off its hinges.

    My doors are helpful!

  32. I have always wanted to find a fortune cookie that said, “If you are looking for advice in a cookie, you need better friends!” We do really need to stop letting our inanimate objects push us around.

  33. I think I’d rip down a door jam the gave me orders. “Your good enough, your smart enough and gosh darn it people like me!” No. That’s too creepy too.

  34. I am going to write “lean into the weird” over my door in your honor. It will clear up any confusion people might have over the name of my house, which is written over the garage and on all my interweb comments.

  35. Reese was probably too drunk to come up with something other than “She’s from Texas.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, it would mean she’s found her tribe.

    I have to thank you for the Reductress rec. I lost an entire afternoon to ROFLing. Best afternoon all week!

  36. I just pinned some of your Door Validations, and somehow I didn’t get to credit you. So I am giving you tons of credit here, if I can’t somehow do it on pintrest.

    Also, my spell check thinks it’s “pint rest,” not pintrest.

  37. My bathroom wall says “wash your hands. Use soap” but that was there before we moved in.
    I love Wil, he was my first TV crush, and I still think he is great. Unlike many of my other crushes throughout my life.
    I would totally get the playing cards if my husband and I did not already own like 1000 decks of cards already. I swear one day I will find a use for them all.

  38. The sign above my door states, “Shut me. What were you born in a barn?” Which now that I type that I really don’t know what that means. Heard/Said it my entire life, but really are people that are born in barns notoriously guilty of not shutting said barn door? Sounds like profiling. Being Southern is hard.

  39. I mean, hey, ever heard of E.M. Forster. British author. In his *a-may-zzzzing* book “A Room with a View”, even the closet/wardrobe had some advice to give. Someone had scribbled: “beware of all enterprises that require new clothes”, that itself a quote from Henry David Thoreau, Wonderful nutcase of American literature, and inventor of “civil disobedience” ( you know, the kind of resistance people like Ghandi and MLK employed. passive resistance)…

    um, yeah, I hope I wasn’t too literary-nerdy-whatever-complicated, but my point (probably) is: If wardrobes can do it, doors can do too. Amen 🙂

  40. I like the last two. Because fire is pretty.

    I swear to God I’m not an arsonist. Arsonist and pyromaniac are *not* automatically the same thing.

  41. I’m kinda thinking the door jam should read “If you can read this, you’re blocking the damn door.”

  42. I need the “don’t set anything on fire” statement but only because my teenage son lights things on fire, like himself, for example. He came home from his first acupuncture treatment with cupping and decided he could do it himself. Yeah, well, he can’t. Nail polish removed plus fire plus stupid teenager boy = one more idiotic scar on his giant body.

  43. Okay, not I’m going to have to make a sign for my doorjamb that says ‘I can see down your shirt.’

  44. i love the door thing. my door would say, “you’re fucking late. again.” and possibly, “why are you looking at me?” and maybe, “get that chocolate out of your hands. save it for the car.”

  45. I’d love to go fuck some shit up but I’m too busy unfucking the shit that I fucked up last week.

  46. As a fellow co-author of the book, I Just Want To Pee Alone, I’m privileged to be mentioned on your site! Thank you. And you’re right- I’m not taking advice or direction from a door any more! Unless it tells me which restroom is the women’s one.

  47. Did you know that Amanda Seyfried collects taxidermy? I didnt know this until I saw her on conan and he gave her a raccoon with a rocket backpack. I instantly thought of you and how it would be awesome if you two got together to chat because it would be an AWESOME conversation. Just rambling. Also, youre awesome. It makes me happy to read your blog/book.

  48. I need these as stickers. All of them.
    I’ll know which rooms to walk into in my house to get just the right feedback for my mood.

  49. My door frame sign would read: “Crap that is left on the clean kitchen counters, or on the floor of the living room, will either be donated to charity or burned. Clean up your shit; otherwise – Mom does not know where it is, so do not ask her.”

    (If I hear “Where’s my _____ one more time…(which will happen first thing tomorrow morning)….I swear….ah!

    Sadly, this is directed more towards the “Mister” of my household than to my child.

    In addition to door frames with text above them, textual picture frames annoy the sh** out of me too.

  50. I had a friend in college whose mother would call her bright and early every morning to tell her to “Have a productive day!” Nothing kills ambition more than this except a door telling you what to do.

  51. The Doctor talks to the TARDIS so that must mean he talks to the door of it too, so why not have one giving you advice as well? You find the weirdest shit, keep sharing….

  52. Reminds me of the fortune cookie message that reads, “I cannot help you for I am only a cookie.”

  53. If a door is going to talk to you, positive reinforcement is much better than stabby stabby stabby.

  54. I hate using the public restrooms and seeing notes on the walls that say “your beautiful” It kind of creeps me out.

  55. Forgot I have a door story. As a teen I somehow had hole in my door, don’t ask. So anyway, I was in this phase of writing weird things on my walls, so my mom thought she’d write something to. Had an arrow pointing at the hole and wrote “Courtney’s band”, and it took me a moment to get the ‘joke’. Oh mom….

  56. I don’t know, Jenny. I’m thinking the one about don’t set stuff on fire accidentally kind of implies that it’s okay to set stuff on fire on purpose… I mean, I can think of a few places and things I’d love to set on fire on purpose, but I’m thinking even my lawyer would say, “Really? A door told you to do it? We’ve got to come up with something else.”

  57. I’m in a generic courtroom waiting to be questionned for jury of big bad murder case. Bored out of my mind til I had the great thought to catch up with you. Omg so funny now everyone stuck here with me is jealous of my secret thats making me laugh!! I think I should tell the defendant he may have a chance if he changes to ‘the door spoke to me’. Thanks

  58. If my door is going to tell me something, it could at least be useful. Like, “Remember what you’re going in there for.” Because I recently read that just the act of going through a door makes the mind “reset” and is part of why we get into another room and forget why we went there. (So I guess, “Sorry I’m about to erase your short-term memory” would be appropriate too.)

    The only suggestion the article had to solve for the evilness of doors in this respect was to repeat to yourself why you’re going into the room as you go through the door, so the thought goes in with you. So until the door is smart (and creepy!) enough to remind me of EXACTLY what I was about to do and where to find it (“Go get the insurance paperwork; it’s on the desk”), the least it could do is remind me to remember. Or something like that.

  59. The sign on *MY* front door used to say “don’t forget your lunch”. I got tired of leaving lunch to rot on the kitchen counter while I grumbled and bought something from the lunch truck.

    But really, I may hang a sign that says “Je t’adore”, because
    (1) It’s so sappy-sweet it’ll make my mother happy,
    (2) I know what I’m referring to so it’ll make ME happy, and
    (3) if my first-grader parrots this to a teacher, it will go over MUCH better than if it were my REAL favorite from this list!

  60. In college my front door said, “Abort Bush In The Third Trimester.” I wonder what that door says now? BTW…how do I follow this blog via email?

  61. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I take advice for a door again…

    This is exactly how World War 1 started.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  62. What about a mirror? Because mirrors can be assholes and people always listen to assholes. Sometimes. Okay, probably not as often as I think.

    My mirror would probably tell me: “Go fuck yourself.”

    Apparently, my home likes to swear at me.

  63. I put a post it note on the door the other day that said “I am not a jar” but no one but me found it funny. Okay, honestly the cats can’t read and the hubby didn’t even see it but it was just me laughing at myself. Funny how often that happens.

  64. That first door would just piss me off. Who needs that kind of pressure when they’re stumbling out the door with a toddler? If I manage to remember all the crap I need to take, I think that IS amazing.

  65. I’d put my favorite goodbye from my 4 year old. I was leaving for work and he said ” bye mommy, be careful. Don’t catch on fire! I love you.” Better advice anywhere? I think not.

  66. “Don’t walk into the closed do-…Oops, too late! Serves you right for reading this sign instead of looking where you were going, asshole.”

  67. Wow. I just had this conversation with the ladies’ room chalkboard where I work, then with the “thought for the day” email that has become the norm at my teaching job. Sheesh.

  68. You made me think of something to put above our doors as a challenge for my pre-teen boys — “Can’t Touch This”. Children today need to jump more.

  69. This reminds me of the doors in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, always saying relentlessly positive things.

  70. Two things: 1) about the signs; technically the writing is on the wall, not the door. I think that changes things, because that’s a legitimate saying: “the writing is on the wall,” 2) the Wil Wheaton discourse on the awesomeness of being a nerd is brilliant. I want to save it for my future grandchildren.

  71. I was walking down the hallway at the hospital and noticed above the door, up near the ceiling, was a tiny label that said simply “OPEN”. I have no idea how “OPEN” is apropos but I was forced to turn around and walk all the way back to the other end of the hallway to see if this label occurred anywhere else. It did. Over every. single. door. I don’t know whose job it was to label, what the labels mean, or if it was some weird sign from the Universe (which sometimes talks to me in ways I don’t understand but I follow it’s commands blindly. Don’t judge.) but I’d like to think there’s some poor schmuck out there who would be glad to know his tedious mind-numbingly boring task to label “OPEN” over every door did not go unnoticed.

  72. I just wanted to say thank you. I have been having a completely shit week and a very depressing day and your blog (and all of the comments) snapped me out of it. And it made me laugh. So thank you.

  73. I followed Wil’s link and (as you do) found this on Youtube. Rules to live by 🙂 I just wish I was better at keeping them.

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