Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.
They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them. And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them. At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste. Ditto with a giant box of books. That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs). All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.
What should you comment about? Anything. Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. It’s totally up to you.
Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe. Thank you for being that tribe. And thank you for letting me be a part of it.
haven’t had a chance to read it yet, I’d love to win a copy!
A free, autographed copy of your book would fantastic! Also, I will be sending a little something your way in the next few weeks. Thank you for entertaining me ALL THE TIME.
I’m a relatively new tribe member although your book was on my recommended reading list long before I knew of the blog.
My least favorite toe is the one I broke yesterday while moving.
I want to win! But I don’t have anything exciting to say right now. 🙁
I want to join the tribe!
I can fit exactly zero bodies under my bed. It’s right one the floor, no frame. Mostly because my cats kept messing with the frames and I was worried they would break it and then the bed would fall down on top of them.
I named my vacuum cleaner Fido, since it follows me faithfully around the house. Also, glass eyeballs would be useful parking guides to hang in the garage!
Ah, I want this. I keep fondling it in Target every time I’m there. Is that weird? Yes. Maybe send me a book and I’ll quit.
Anything. . . because that is what you said to comment about.
How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Zero. There’s already too much junk stored under there. Guess you’ll know I’ve taken up murder when you see my stepladder stored in the front hallway.
Thanks for being awesome in a general fashion.
I am stuck with a kid home sick from school. ENTERTAIN ME!
I want to win too! Its college finals time though and I can’t think of anything witty. This would be a wonderful distraction from this chaos. <3
Winner winner chicken dinner!
Sorry, I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. That would be bad feng shui. However, I’d argue that I could use way more than a dozen fake cow eyeballs. They’d make fantastic cat toys.
I am so thankful to have found your blog. And those pictures of unicorn snoggings.
Also replace with “giant box of vintage dentures” – Except, useful for dentistry, jewelry making and christmas ornaments. still- gotta pick them up and check them out.
I want to win! But only if I can have a glass cow eyeball too please!
Love the blog and the book.
So many things I could comment on! My car’s name is the “purple princess”. She’s a 1996 Volkswagen Jetta that won’t go over 80 km / hr and drops gears going up hills. We have to treat her like a princess to keep her going.
My cat just took a shit in his litter box and it stinks.
I have a great love for taxidermied rodents, but can’t own any because my dog eats them. This is a serious flaw in my existence. On the other hand, she’s pretty cute, and the cat likes her, so I guess it’s ok. I did pre-order and buy the hard back version but…EXTRA CHAPTERS!!!!!!
I own exactly zero glass cow eyeballs. I’m ok with this.
Oh boy, hope I win! Thanks!
My cat is shaved like a baby lion, and his breath still smells like cat food.
Thanks to my Mother being only able to keep cheese pizza and ice cream in her stomach while pregnant with me (she’d upchuck everything else), I could literally eat both things forever. The pizza is partly to blame for my move to Chicago. 😉
My middle toe, as I can flick people off with it under the table. 😉
I don’t have a stash of glass eyes, but if I did I would randomly place them in people’s food because I’m an A-Hole like that…
You may send me glass eyeballs instead, or maybe a unicorn.
Okay – not about GLASS cow eyeballs, but cow eyeballs, nonetheless. When I was in OAC biology, I spent a day doing tours of the lab for grade nines. My triumphant finale was cutting open a cow eyeball, and squirting one of the new kids. I’d say I went through… twelve? So I’ve used fourteen eyeballs in my lifetime. Though not glass. Also – maybe three bodies under the bed, depending on girth.
I will use this opportunity to tell you that my pelvis feels like it is splitting in half because I have twins growing inside of me, because that is pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I’m not really sure how anything else COULD be on my mind right now with all of that going on.
And I ordered pizza and learned that Domino’s delivers chocolate dipped cookies. If only they delivered Twix bars, I’d be pretty certain they were my guardian angels. I was tempted to put in the delivery comments that I would tip them extra if they stopped and got me a Twix bar on their way here.
My son has finally decided to stop saying, “Mommy! NO!” every time I sing in the car and is instead singing along with me #HowPikeLearnedToStopWorryingAndLoveTheMommy
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If you made a tray of dessert bars using S’Mores cereal, would that be considered meta?
Do they even make S’mores cereal anymore?
Whenever I get tipsy I start talking about unicorns. And also when I see white horses (which, as everyone knows, are unicorns with invisible horns).
How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. A “normal” person? Zero. Me? About 30 (I’d use them to gussy up my Warhammer army).
I was the second one to draw you a unicorn.
*laughter*
I’m confused. Are there vintage glass cow eyeballs to be had or not? If not, I guess a free book is cool too.
THERE IS A NEW CHAPTER? WHAT WHAT WHAT.
*STARES*
I would love to read this in its entirety in a British accent. Cheerio!
I WANT TO WIN! …consider me entered!
I enjoy secretly crop-dusting people with farts if they’re being rude to myself and/or others.
I call my kids Bean pie & Buggy pants. I have no idea where these nicknames came from.
True story. My grandma has a kind of funny little toe that doesn’t bend down. She had a dream about me the night before I was born and BAM, my toe is like that too. Strange. And annoying in that I can never wear pointy-toed shoes.
Me please! You could even hand deliver since I think you live close to me…San Antonio?
I’m commenting only with the hope of getting more Unicorn pics. Any chance you can draw one in mine if I when?
If I ever write a book, the first sentences will be what my mom said to the doctor after being in labor (for 36 hours, oops) with me:
Mom: (face crumbles) “Oh you poor baby!”
(Frantically looks at the doctor)
“Will she always look this way???”
I started rereading my kindle version yesterday…but I bought it a year ago, so I want to see the new chapter.
I can fit 2 and 7/8ths bodies under my bed. Right next to the convertible rails for the babies beds and the extra suitcase.
Today I accidentally let a meth addict use my ukulele as an ashtray.
pick me! pick me!
Smashing. Totally Bloody Fabulous!! Here Here … Jolly Good Old Chap!!! Head on down to the Pub to celebrate with a Pint!!!
I’ve just decided to name my left nipple Spiney Norman. The right one refuses to be named.
Well, I can only fit 1 body, maybe, under my bed (it’s one of those platform beds, with the drawers?), but when I went shopping for my new car about 2 years ago, I judged which ones were worthy of a test drive by how many bodies they could fit. My car? Easily 4 or 5, if you have them in pieces!
I’m glad I practiced my english accent for so long. It came in very handy indeed.
Also, I don’t have any actual glass eyeballs, but I did recent;y receive a shipment of tiny glass globes that could easily be turned into eyeballs. I have a whole 20 so, if you need any just lemme know.
We can fit multiple bodies under our beds – but only if they’re little people.
Also, I just learned that the book “Animalia” that I LOVED as a kid…has a Dalek on the D page. Mind=blown.
And this book may have changed my life. Or scarred me, but probably a little of both.
Could probably fit 3 bodies comfortably underneath my bed but perhaps 6 during an especially desperate game of Sardines.
This would be a perfect First of May (cue Jonathan Coulton) gift!
When I was in 5th grade my class was supposed to dissect a cow eyeball. I heard that if you didn’t want to do it, for ethical reasons or just because, you could opt out and spend the class period in the library. I wasn’t too into eyeballs so I said I objected on moral reasons: why should a cow have to lose its eye just so I could cut it up. But really I just couldn’t believe thus let me spend a whole class period in the library. It was my favorite place.
Then, in high school we dissected frogs. It was so awesome and cool and I learned so much that I realized I probably should have dissected the eyeball.
Not that you could dissect a glass eyeball, but it reminded me of that lost opportunity. Give me your book!
I could probably fit a dozen bodies under my bed, if it weren’t already cluttered with boxes of Christmas ornaments and clothes that don’t fit but I won’t throw out.
Well…at least they are glass bull balls.
and here I was, SO EXCITED for a glass-eyball giveaway!
I tore my ACL Monday in Sentao class. I have a big ol’ robo-leg brace. Y’know, just in time for summer. 🙁
I kind of want a glass eyeball now, but books are good too.
I can’t believe I haven’t read the book yet… but, well, I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you!! I was hoping to have something witty to add in an attempt to increase my odds of winning… but I’m all out of wit for today.
I think I could fit like 6 or 7 bodies under the bed. Cats would not be pleased though.
Couldn’t you use the extra eyeballs to play marbles?
I was disappointed that we were receiving only brains and not the whole pig head at work today. I was so looking forward to using my bone saw.
PS I have an alligator head on my desk at work that holds small things like paper clips and misplaced histology slides. His name is Sir Alistair Snapsley, Keeper of Small Things.
The first time I read your book was last year, and I was almost done when I was waiting to go into surgery. The last thing I read before going in was about the smoking unicorn. Thanks to that and the ‘happy juice’ I was given, I had a really fucked up experience. Thanks!!
I’m still trying to find my own Beyonce. You’d think it would be easy in Iowa!
I’ve always wondered why people want to spend their vacations in the lap of luxury. The lap seems like such a strange destination. Why not spend your vacation clinging to the earlobe of luxury?
I want a free signed book by one of the funniest people I’ve ever read!
I paid real dollars for the book already, but damn I would’ve loved a vintage glass cow eyeball. I think you have an untapped market for that right there.
I found my way here through Beyonce and never looked back. I have my very own Blue Ivy in my kitchen, but still want a full sized metal lovely for my backyard. My favorite toe is my pinky toe because the nail is so teeny that I don’t have to paint it. And also because it goes wee wee wee.
Life should come with an ‘Undo’ button
I don’t know how many dead bodies we could fit under the bed (it’s rather close to the ground) but definitely 3 live cats and the desiccated corpses and untold numbers of their toys. the next time we move is gonna be fun!
I have this already…but my cat would like one. He’s ginger, but please don’t hold that against him!
Oh yes, please. One for me!…. the books… not the glass cow eyeballs… unless you really do have some and some extra because I’m pretty sure I could find a use for that too. It’s weird around my house.
Oooh Ooooh OOOOOH PICK ME!!!!
I could totally use a box of glass eyeballs to freak my sister out.
Don’t have a least favorite toe, but don’t like my left foot. Sprained it in college and it gets temperamental on me every now and then.
I simply adore you, that must be said. Also, I’m pretty sure I could fit like 8 dead bodies under my bed because there’s a lot of space but also because dead bodies don’t really care if you stuff and bend and possibly break a limb or two in order to make the fit happen so….
If I’ve done the math correctly, the average person will use approximately 1329 glass cow eyeballs in their lifetime. This, of course, factors in age, year of birth, and access. Most rural communities have enough access that the average goes up in these areas, but even those in an urban environment use around 1000 in their lives, but only if they remain in their current urban atmosphere. If they move to a smaller community, the number, naturally, goes up.
ABSOLUTELY LOVE your blog! I’ve been threatening to start collecting vinatge taxidermied animals if I don’t get your book – my husband is concerned. Maybe winning a book will help prevent another level of hoarding above metal animals (yes, I have a family of metal flamingos living at my desk – don’t judge!)
My uncle had a glass eye… his eye was knocked out by a golfball. True story, I promise!
I have a toe nail that I thought was going to fall off but it didn’t, and now it’s just like half falling off. I’m really unclear what the future holds for it, but it does’t hurt and it doesn’t even look that gnarly. Ok that’s all. Thanks, Jenny! Bye!
I’m going to win this when I take a picture of the unicorn-with-a-penis-horn graffiti that someone pasted/painted on the building next door. If no one has stolen it yet.
If I had a glass cow eyeball, I’d be the most popular person in town because then everyone would want one.
I named my belly button and gave her a french accent.
I want Hunter S. Thomcat instead but would love a book.
I have a pair of Cow eyeballs in my freezer right now… next to the frozen pizza and the ben an jerry’s
When I hear a man complain about having to shave his face I simply say, talk to the vagina!
I have laryngitis. I sound like Darth Vader. You can imagine how excited my son named Luke is about that.
I’ll take a book if you’re giving them away, but throw a glass eyeball in there, too!
My boobs are named jiggly and puff (after the Pokemon). O.o
Thanks for keeping us laughing, Jenny! Because if we didn’t laugh we would cry and we all look terrible after we cry.
Years ago I named my little belly bulge George. “I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him … and pat him and pat him … and love him and caress him…” What can I say I watched Bugs Bunny when I was little.
I’m blind in one eye. I could totally use a glass eyeball if it was cool enough to warrant having the nonfunctional, but otherwise normal, eyeball removed.
Commenting on a “Leave a Comment” space! Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I have a glass cow eyeball?!?!?! Puh-leeaaseeee?!?!?!?!?!?
I remember dissecting cow eyeballs in physics class- it was pretty much the coolest thing we ever did. All the boys were disgusted because gloves weren’t required and I just jumped in with bare hands- the only one in the class who did that might I add. We had to sort of ‘pop’ them to get the cornea out and they oozed eye juice all over.
Three
do we get a free eyeball with the free book?
My pinky toes would have to be my least favorite.
I also stumbled backwards: first book , then blog. I could only manage one glass eyeball I think.
OMG I totes want this book!!! So does my dog, MIlton.
When I’m feeling stabby I glance at my Copernicus photo and instantly, everything is better.
My dad’s from England and my mom is from America. These book are from England and you’re American. Clearly, one of those books is meant to reside with me in Canada. We can hang out together being super international.
I want to win. And I cannot feel my ring toes, never have, born with it I guess
My PTSD therapy plan: farming with my goats and rereading this book….
🙂
Wee! More books. I think we all need at least 4 glass eye balls. I mean back ups are important!
I don’t have a favorite toe, but I DO have a least favorite toe. The 4th toe on each foot curls to the middle toe like some sort of deranged shrimp. It’s a good thing they help me balance, or I might be tempted to lop them off.
I used to work as an optician and one day I answered the phone to hear a guy on the other end of the line asking me if we fitted glass eyes. I was confused and quite sure I hadn’t heard him correctly, so I said “You want to know what?”
“Glass eyes, do you guys do them there?”
“Glass eyes? Like a prosthetic eye?”
“Yes, mine broke & I need a new one.”
I don’t know why, but the whole conversation struck me funny and as hard as I tried not to burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself. So I kindly put him on hold, went in the back and giggled myself silly while making my coworker talk to him to let him know that we did not make or fit glass eyes for people.
I would not have been nearly as excited to see 6-foot-high metal roosters at a gift shop last weekend had I not known Beyonce’s story. And my life is better for it!
I’d love a copy! I bought your book when it first came out in hard cover, then a friend sent me one from your signing in San Jose CA, since I couldn’t make it. I’d love another copy to pay it forward with, since everyone needs a little Bloggess on their bookshelf. If you pick me, I’m giving it to Kari, my fav gal at the bookstore.
There are a million people on the waiting list for this at my local library. Would love to win a copy.
Also, I once took actual deer eyeballs to school for extra credit. We dissected them in science class.
I would like to win this book. Also a glass eyeball. Any color will do.
I don’t have a bed. I sleep in the corner. The bodies are there for warmth.
I always face out the hardback at the bookstore. That sounded better in my head. Really.
I saw a giant rooster on the side of the road the other day that was twice the size of Beyonce. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life!!
So, I wasn’t gonna do it but I am ever so curious. Did you by chance happen to receive a pair of the most amazing rainbow unicorn bookends and if so, please tell me they were not broken. Gracias. Also, yes, I’d love a copy – I love the font. 🙂
Oh! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! 🙂
Probably like, 6? And Herman, Milly, and Josephine.
Right now I’m listening to the Les Mis soundtrack and they just sang the lyric, “raise your glass high” and I heard, thanks to this post, “raise your glass eye.” I will think of this now every time I hear that song, so I think I’ll need approximately eleventy billion glass eyes during my lifetime.
I am so happy your book is doing so well! Congratulations. You deserve it.
ooo, ooo, me!
Also, I eschew putting bodies under the bed in lieu of putting them under the floorboards. Much easier to contain that way. Unless you’re in a condo with a downstairs neighbor, and then that’s trickier. Though I guess then you could blame the body on your downstairs neighbor, and say they put it in their ceiling?
Not that I’ve ever thought about this or anything.
The Angels have the book. The Angels have the book.
So I’ve been playing against you in Words with Friends (and I’m seriously the worst drawer in the world, sorry), and I totally wanted to draw a woman making out with a unicorn. But that wasn’t an option. Because the creators of Words with Friends are assholes. And possibly racists.
My least favorite toe is the pinky. Apparently, it has anger issues and is always getting into fights with passing table legs and boxes.
I just had my tubes tied, and I’ve decided my uterus is not my favorite body part. Her name is Mabel.
I have a slight obsession with all things British, so I really want a chance at this! Also, I just discovered Doctor Who this spring, and now I want to take my cat to Texas to see The Doctor. Maybe he speaks cat and can tell me why mine is seems to think he’s a dog that enjoys playing fetch and getting belly rubs.
I wish you were giving out glass eyeballs. That would be awesome.
Dear random # generator, is luck on my side today?
Bacon.
I need a new copy of the book because a) I bought it in hardback, so I don’t have the new chapter and b) my dog ate it. Well, chewed on it anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, it was a sheep that chewed on it (my husband thought it was one of my knitting books that the sheep chewed on, so he thought it was funny/ironic at first). Speaking of sheep, Jenny, I hope you’ve been enjoying all the pictures of our newborn lambs that I’ve been Tweeting!
I want one! I want one! I want one!
I don’t have a favorite toe, but how about a scar from when I tore my acl when I was 11? It’s bad ass. But its not on my ass, promise. It’s on my left knee.
I love this blog. It makes me feel less crazy because just maybe someone else gets the crazy too.I had to share the unicorn #artforawesomness with my best friend. so then we talked about that for a while.
I was reading something today and came across someone named Nerfis. I wonder if he (she?) constantly just stands really close to people and asks, “Am I making you Nerfis?”
I would like a copy of the book for a dear friend who is in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery, and the complications once gets from losing most of your internal organs. I think the taxidermy sections will really speak to him, honest to God.
My family doesn’t quite understand my love for you. I got your calendar for Christmas and it was looked at with confused eyes and, ‘yeeeeaaaahhhh, I guess that’s funny’ comments.
If I win one, ill give my impressiable little sister my original copy of your book and let the crazy be shared! ….in the greatest way, of course.
I have your book on hold at the library. If they don’t return it soon, I’m going break their big toe.
Favorite toe? The one next to the big toe on my left foot. The pointer toe?
I’m really excited about this contest. Makes my super shitty apartment hunt a little less shitty.
So, we’re a tribe of miscreant unicorns with vintage glass cow eyeballs? I’m so in.
My brother used to torture small children by telling them that glass marbles were the eyeballs of people he’d killed.
Glass cow eyeballs, maybe I should check on my herd to see if I need replacements. Would love to win an autographed copy of your book!!!
I have fallen out of the shower three times in the last year alone. I’m considering installing shower doors instead of just a curtain for my own safety.
I do not have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite freckle… I named her Gertrude (simply because I feel the name has been woefully abandoned) and I love her because she had the class to appear NOT on my face or arms, but on my toe… which shows her own creativity as well. You are amazing.
Absolutely adore you on twitter! Please enter me. (That sounded worse than it meant to.)
I don’t really like any of my toes, I haven’t named any of my body parts and I’m pretty sure I could fit 4-5 people under my bed (depending on the size of the person…), but I would love to win a copy of your book so I can read the new chapter!
I read the US version with a British accent…did I do it wrong? I am British, so I don’t know how to read it without inserting a quota of ‘Blimey!’ into the footnotes…
I like you.
I have never found the perfect amount of glass cow eyes. But I have recommended your book to a number of people, who have all choked themselves laughing over it, as I have. (If I had a glass cow eye, I’d probably choke on it too)
A friend of mine once browsed through a basket of glass eyes while we were antiquing. I’m not sure if she was thinking to upcycle some or what…and now I have to go search for “glass eyes” on Pinterest to see if anyone is doing this yet.
I need to read the UK version of Harry Potter. I hear it’s in English!
I would so LOVE one! My favorite toe is my right middle toe (it just has an aura about it). ..damn I don’t have any pet names for my body parts…but I think a normal person could use about 31,000 glass eyeballs in a lifetime…and I think I could fit about 5 bodies under my bed (maybe 6 if it is okay if some parts stick out).
My penis is named Charlie Hustle after Pete Rose. It’s career as a hard working player went downhill about as quickly as the orginal Charlie Hustle’s did, but I don’t know that they’re related events. One suffered as a result of gambling on baseball, and the other eventually found love and then a wife and then a family and is forever flacid. Wow, TMI? Will my American language speaking allow me to comprehend those there books you got? If yes, please count me in!
I once dated a guy with one eye and seven toes….I now hate all things pirates.
Sometimes when my child misbehaves I totally get why some animal species kill their young. He usually gets me to laugh, so I can’t ever stay mad at him long.
yay me!
When I was a kid I was terribly shy and used to pretend I couldn’t speak. Then, I would introduce my speaking self as my identical twin sister. She had lots of friends, but was a pompous jerk to me.
I don’t have much to say except thank you for being a major distraction while sitting in the school library trying to work on a research paper or homework or whatever else I feel the need to put off until tomorrow.
Sitting here wondering how hard I would have to try to get husband to agree to move Scotland. I am guessing not hard. We would need jobs though to support the Scotch habit that will inevitably develop.
I didn’t know this wonderful blog existed until I had made it through most of the book!
I’m an expert facebook stalker, a Starbucks barista, and a rememberer of useless things that take up valuable brain space that should probably be used for something important like remembering to eat meals and get regular teeth cleanings. The combination of these means that I often see customers at work who have no idea who I am, but I know exactly who they are, and my favorite thing to do is write their names on their drink cups without asking them, just to creep them out.
Yay you! Loved the hard cover (especially my copy, which you autographed for me here in NJ!), and have given many as gifts already! Now I could REALLY use a new chapter. Also, I could totally use some glass cow eyeballs, if you have extras.
My favorite toe is my daughter’s right pinkie toe. It has a freckle, but she couldn’t pronounce freckle and told everyone her toe has a “pickle”. So, it has become her pickle toe, and I have an awesome story to pull out if she ever brings a boy (or girl) home. :p
I would like to win the paperback. Even though I feel guilty because I haven’t read the hardcover yet. But I did actually buy it, and it’s next on the list. When I can make the time, I will read it even though it’s obsolete because you have a new dang chapter now.
I can sing like the seagull in The Little Mermaid. That’s pretty much my only talent.
I’ve never had glass eyeballs – for myself or a cow – but I bet they’re infinitely better than a wooden eyeball. No splinters that way.
I once won the opportunity to have someone sear my eyeballs with a laser, after cutting a flap into the top layer using vacuum pressure. That was the happiest day of my life. It would become the second happiest day if I won a book.
why, when I put a comment, does it say I’ve posted about Casey Anthony? Oh computers, you confound me.
Damn! I wanted cow eyeballs. Can you at least draw a picture of a cow eyeball on the inside?
Tonight I had to assemble the BBQ grill by myself since the husband was too busy to do it. It was only after I made dinner on it that I realized I put the legs on wrong. Whoops!
Lucy 😉
How many glass cow eyeballs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Today, I went to a car boot sale and they had helicopter rides and a bouncy castle. Unfortunately, the bouncy castle was for under 12s only, so we went up in a helicopter instead. That made my day until I had to state my weight “for insurance reasons” in front of all the people waiting for the heli ride. I need a pick-me-up Jenny, and I’m British so I would obviously read the book with a perfectly darrrrling British accent. I promise!
my comment is: comment
I think I could fit about 6 bodies under my bed but I think the stench would make me unable to sleep. Also, it isn’t a very good place to hide bodies as I am sure that would be the first place the police would look.
I could fit maybe four bodies under my bed, but wouldn’t want to deal with the smell!
Not saying which body part, but I used to nickname a part of my body the little piggies. (If you guessed my toes, you would be wrong.)
I should win. Because I don’t look down on the British for their bad dental luck.
I would love to win a copy of this book! My son ate my ereader when I was on the last chapter. 🙁
I think I need to feed my son more….
I bought the hardcover edition while visiting my parents in the States back in October, read about half of it on the plane ride back home, and then somehow left it on the plane.
Luckily, I had previously bought my friend a copy, so I borrowed it from him to read the rest.
3…
That’s my answer….
You choose the question 😉
This Jenny bitch keeps pretending to be me and it is pissing me off. You can cuss on this site, right?
I’d like to be entered to win, but I am questioning why one would put the bodies under your own bed? After all, they would stink after a while – and why draw suspicion to yourself.
I should be working, but instead, I am here… Pick me, pick me!
I had a classmate in high school who had a glass eye. If you send me the glass cow eyeballs I will donate them to him in case he could use them. Are they interchangeable?
Bodies go in the vegetable drawer of the fridge.
Here is a poem I wrote: fish hook fish hook shining in the sky. Fish hook fish hook through the fishes eye. Fish blood drying on my hand, fishes dying in the sand.
Currently my brain is tied up in knots because I was stuck in a conference this morning about the Affordable Care Act and all of the 8 million new things it’s going to require me to do in my job – and for that, I’m going to need therapy. But free (and hilarious) books are cheaper and better. Even under the Affordable Care Act!
If I tried *really* hard, I could probably fit (and this is just a guesstimate), half of a body under my bed… No clue what I’d do with the other half…. 😉
I brought some Laughing Cow cheese to work with me today. But, alas, I forgot the crackers. How crass would it be to just lick it out of it’s shiny silver packaging?
I can’t believe my husband won’t buy me this
http://www.amazon.com/Velociraptor-Jurassic-Sized-Dinosaur-Statue/dp/B007VIPNOM/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2J89DYAT6I3D8&coliid=I253BLYAAKU7LE
Figured it’s an appropriate comment for here, today I am celebrating two weeks without any form of an anxiety attack! I haven’t gone more then a few days without one in the past! Fuck yeah!
I have a friend in Texas that will love this book. So, I’m entering for her as a surprise. <3
Favourite toe, must be the big one, the nail is big enough to make artsy stuff on it. My mom is on her 2nd glass eye. Dunno how many more she'll need as she's only 57.
For Terri <3!!!
The best thing that happened to me today was going to the dmv and getting my license renewed. Please do not let this happen!
My blog isn’t about tits. Don’t be scared. Or disappointed.
I have a fucking toothache!!!
I read aloud to my husband from your book and blog during road trips. I am perfectly willing to go and buy the paperback version to get that new chapter, but getting it for free in the mail like some kind of goddamned miraculous vintage glass cow eyeball would be fine too.
I want to win because I lent my autographed HARDCOVER book out to someone who *really* needed it and I didn’t get it back.
THAT, and let’s face it, if I’m having a crappy day the firth thing I do is go to the bookmarked metal chicken post and ALL is immediately right in my world.
Plus, you once commented on MY blog and I felt like a movie star had visited.
xo
I wouldn’t need any glass eyeballs, but we often have the editable ones that go on cupcakes and cookies. We eat them without ever putting them on cupcakes or cookies. We just keep a bag of them around because it’s fun to say, “How ’bout an eyeball, then? That’ll cheer you right up!” {in a British accent, no less}
I will totally call out sick and stay home to read this if you pick me. Pretty please?
Me me me!
I read my Kindle copy to my Mom while she was in the hospital recently, helped us laugh through some truly awful times. I’d love one for her!
I LOVED your book! My boyfriend calls my boobs “the wonder twins.” Does that count as a pet name? Pick me! Pick me!
Would love to read the book….and on a side note I am thinking of starting a practice that does nothing but replace cow eyes with glass ones (there’s a market for that in Herefords!)
Val
My names for my breasts are Charm and Wit because they’re something I think every woman should have. And if they don’t, well, usually breasts make up for it.
If I win do I have to pretend it didn’t happen?
I think if I did a little rearranging I could fit three bodies under my bed snugly. Not that I would ever have three bodies that I’d *need* to fit under my bed. Let’s be honest, I barely even talk to three people regularly.
I have a dog with a glass eye, not an actual glass eye, but one blue eye and one brown eye. It’s really cute…and also kinda creepy…
I don’t have a favorite toe, but I have a favorite finger. It’s my left pinkie because my mom “accidentally” cut the tip off when I was a baby. Best guilt-inducing finger in the world.
I would like to be entered in the glass cow eyeball contest so I can finally have the kind of Halloween party my parents would never let me have.
A friend recommended your book to me. I loved it. I have the same sort of arthritis, loved reading that in but alone with it.
Knock Knock Motherfucker!
I really want a copy of this book. And a glass cow eyeball. So I can keep the eyeball on my desk at work. And make cryptic comments to people about how Lord Moo-fasa is watching them, and knows all. Damn. Now I have to go buy a vintage glass cow eyeball. And this book. But that’s okay. Because I want the book. And the eyeball. Fuck.
would love a copy…u r funny!
my least favorite toe is my pinky. it curls under and gets all weird on me. but it would be much happier if I was reading the British version of your book!
Also eligible if you live in a tiny country named Holland?? 🙂 I simply want to thank you again for inspiring me to paint red dresses. I love red dresses in general even though I don’t own one, but to be able to link it to such a great cause…it makes it even more sassy! ^_^
I would love to win. I need something to take me away from the necessity of doing my job!
One time, in middle school, my friends and I found a dead bird on the side of the road during recess. We used a shoelace to create a noose, carefully slipped it around the dead bird’s neck, and moved the carcass to the top of a nearby electric box. Then we covered it in yogurt from somebody’s sack lunch.
I haven’t broken a toe, but I broke my leg a few weeks ago playing roller derby. Go, me.
Love your blog and would love your book!
My favorite toe is the pinky toe. I don’t know why, though.
Regarding the number of glass eyeballs a person would use in a lifetime, I guess the answer would depend on whether or not the person in question is crafty. If you’re crafty you can go through a whole box in a matter of days. Or weeks. Who knows? But if you’re not crafty I’d say about 20. One for each finger and one for each toe.
Snuffleupagus. How do they expect kids to be able to spell his name? I bet that’s why he never got many letters.
Ooh, a chance to have your autograph…sign me up. You nearly caused a dear friend of mine infinite injury twice this past week. First, when I told her about your Twitter comment on my DT Doctor Who quilt, she nearly choked on her salad. A few days later, she recounted the entire thing to a table of co-workers and was got overly excited, that she slammed her hand down on the table., rattling the silverware and glasses. We definately got some dirty looks from the restaurant…all Thanks To You!!!
3.7
glass eyeballs, that is.
My husband calls my pinky toes “hamster toes” because they like to sneak under the other ones and sleep. Of course, I am assuming they are sleeping.
Thank you for making sitting at work in front of a computer not suck so much.
I would like your book or a taxidermy gerbil-corn. 🙂
Knock-knock, motherfucker. May I have a book, please? 😀
Oooh, I want one! I was crying/laughing in bed the other night reading your book and had to explain to my husband by reading a bit out loud. He said he was surprised I like you because I hate it when people curse a lot. Of course I started thinking about it too much. Now I’m worried that, if I met you in person, I would find you vulgar and crude. Either that or I would want to drink with you.
I my “ring toes” are completely turned in and crooked on each foot from pointe shoes and dancing. My middle toes are crooked the other way. I can turn off any foot fetish.
I need this so bad. I had a hard back version that I got autographed at one of your book signings but I let a friend borrow it and she left it where her kid could get to it. 🙁 kids are the reason I can’t have funny books.
My most beloved animals, Banana Pants & Crash Hell-mutt, speak with British accents… in my head.
Seems appropriate that I have the British version of the book.
On average, a person will use 5.3 glass cow eyeballs in his/her lifetime. Jeopardy told me so. Or perhaps rum told me that. Yes, I believe it was rum.
I had an aunt that had a glass eye…always freaked me out.
I stopped the other day to price my very own Beyonce but I had to pay tuition and couldn’t afford her. It was a sad day.
My brain is feeling a little wibbly-wobbly these days. I’ve managed to catch up on series 1-6 of the new Doctor Who in less than 5 weeks… How I’ve managed to also eat, sleep, and work I’ve no idea. Maybe I fell into a vortex or something? So sorry, dear, but did you say glass eyes for cows?
I don’t necessarily have a favorite toe, but I do have a second one on each foot that is longer than the first one. My husband teased me about it endlessly until one night when I was full of sleep deprivation yet still up nursing my newborn son I happened to look at his foot while he was sleeping and noticed that he had the same damn toe. I have no idea how I failed to notice it before.
I kicked him. It made me feel better.
I just pulled a tick off my wife.
Oooh, I love the lettering in this version! Although I do miss the taxidermy. <3
Whether or not I win a copy of my very own, your book is on my list of things to read during my recovery from hip surgery (in two weeks!). Huzzah!
Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.
Random enough?
I’m sorry… I know you typed some words and things but all I can do is stare at your thumb.
I’m in awe.
HOW IS IT SO TINY? Did it just grow that way? Did you have some sort of thumb reducing procedure? Or was it a straight up thumb graft? And if so, was it purely cosmetic or was there some sort of horrible thumb story we dont know about? Because if that last bit is true WE ARE GOING TO NEED DETAILS JENNY.
Wait… co worker just informed me that its likely a perspective thing. And I was all “Are you saying I have freakishly large thumbs and thus am biased?! Cause my thumbs are just fucking fine thankyouverymuch”
and then he explained camera perspective.
But now I think I might have thumb issues.
Isn’t it ridiculous that twitter sends you an email telling you what’s going on on twitter?
I read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on a 23 hour train/plane journey across the Indian desert, into Dehli, on the flight and layover to Moscow, and finally in customs in New York. With severe, terrible, no good very bad food poisoning. The laughing made it worse. I especially enjoyed the bit about the eating disorder. That was awesomely dark.
I would love to win. –
Also, I can fit about 5 bodies under my bed. XD
I call my breasts Fluffy and Tallulah.
I’m going to pretend this comment never happened. Unless I win, then it totally happened.
im going with my middle toe. i dont think he gets as much love as the rest of the toes and its not fair.
A friend of mine suffers from depression as well. He’s now loving your stuff.
My favorite word is omphaloskepsis. It’s worth looking it up.
If you tied two glass cow eye balls together they would make for a fair book mark!
I would love to see the new chapter! Plus, a glass cow eyeball. But probably the new chapter more.
Would love to have a copy! Amongst the many reasons is this very specific one: It is May 1st and looking out my window here in Minneapolis, MN, there is snow coming down. It has driven me to sit in front of my “Happy Lamp” and devour ice cream. Neither of those two things are doing shit to cheer me up. Lazies. You, however, do cheer me up. So there is that. Happy snowy May Day.
14…..does this refers to glass eyeballs or under-the-bed bodies? (;
I’m forever trying to determine how people would walk and what chairs would look like if knees bent the other way.
I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed, but I have always wondered if one could fit in my bird’s cage. It’s a big cage. I bet at least one could fit. He’s a small bird though. Why the fuck does he need such a huge cage?
can I get an eyeball and a book?
Jenny, you are one funny bitch! 🙂 I wish I had your talent and would love to win a copy of your book.
I never actually considered the fact that some people may actually NEED more than one (or zero, preferably) glass eyes. But I guess if your eye sockets get bigger or shrink (do they shrink? what about skulls? I assume you’ve done the necessary research). I bet it’d be fun to change up some of the eyes on your taxidermied animals so some always looks permanently shocked.
I like all of my toes equally. I could use a few glass eyeballs. I’d hide them in random places to scare my boyfriend. Bugs are icky. And I want a stingray named Edwin.
Have you ever thought, “I’ll play dress up to cheer myself up,” and then just ended up sitting in your living room in an itchy orange wig feeling like a prat? Yeah, me neither.
http://serotoninteabiscuit.tumblr.com/post/49320054167/have-you-ever-thought-ill-play-dress-up-to
P.S. Winning a copy of the UK edition would make this Anglophile very happy. If I do, I promise to give my US edition to someone who I think will properly appreciate it.
My iPhone keep autocorrecting my name to the wrong thing so now I’m worried that it is trying to passive aggressively let me know it doesn’t love me back the way I love it. Is my phone Ron Swanson-ing me?
What I should be doing is packing my house so I can move my family of nine (seriously? Why did I think seven kids was a good plan?) to a larger house. What I’m doing instead is worrying about how much my phone loves me. Obviously my priorities are in order here.
I would LOVE to win one! I love reading your stuff! I often read out loud to anyone who will listen!
Thank you!
Franklin.
I should win! I gave away my copy to my niece for Christmas, and she never indicated if she enjoyed it, or if she was terribly offended, or anything. I can only assume that she has disowned me. So, I need a new copy to fill the void left in my heart by an ungrateful 19-year-old.
I need to win so I can give it to my mom. Then maybe she’ll give me back my copy that she borrowed a couple months ago.
How many glass cow eyeballs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least one – can’t expect the glass cow to do it blind now, can we?
Bodies? They tend to smell when stored under your bed.
Any interest in a jar of piglet tails in formalin? I know someone who knows someone that could unearth said jar. Fair trade? Your book for piglet tails?
I like cows. They’re delicious. Please please please give me a book.
I was reading your blog at work yesterday and I started to giggle out loud. The woman who sits next to me became concerned that I was giggling to myself. So I read the bit about your husband buying trash bags out loud and made a bunch of my coworkers laugh. This is the joy that you bring. Especially to people like me who like you also deal with crippling anxiety and overwhelming depression and I just want to thank you for being awesome.
I don’t read British, but I’d like a copy anyway.
Thanks for being awesome. It makes the rest of us feel less lonely.
I would give my pinkie toe for a box of vintage glass eyeballs!
My favorite toe is the one I got a hideous blister on when I was in London this fall, and it has yet to heal completely. In fact, from time to time it just gets calloused over and hard and spiky, like the toe is trying to grow itself an extra, super claw like nail, one that comes out the back and periodically stabs the neighboring toe until it bleeds.
Pictures available on request.
I underestimated the amount of bodies that I could fit under my bed. My solution? I went out & bought a larger bed!
My least favorite toe is the 2nd one on each of my feet because it is a little longer than my big toe, apparently, according to a Facebook meme, this means I have Greek feet.
My book club is reading your book next month and I can’t wait to introduce them to The Bloggess.
Every time I see a tin chicken in the store or on the road side I think of this blog…which is kind of a lot (shoulder shrug)
Who did the UK translation of your book for you? Did they translate anything into “crimey”? Because I am not sure if it is an offical UK version without “crimey” being used at least once…
I have a funny glass eyeball story, and by funny I mean slightly disturbing but hysterical to myself and a few other family members. My Uncle Harry lost an eye in a bar fight back in the 60’s and got a glass eye afterwards. He liked to freak out the children (and squeamish adults) in our family by popping it in and out for shock value. When he passed away, my Aunt took his ashes so that they could be buried with the next of his siblings to pass away. My Aunt is quite a hoarder and somehow Uncle Harry got lost for a few years. Each time another of his siblings passed away (there were 16 of them all together) she would attempt to find him but no luck. Over the passage of time, she also became the keeper of 3 other sets of ashes (seriously? who collects ashes!?!?!)
A few years ago, she had to move and while helping her clean out her garage we found 4 boxes of ashes, all unmarked. Luckily, the mortician had put Uncle Harry’s eye in with this ashes, so by shaking the boxes we could figure out which one he was! He has found a new home, awaiting his final rest with one of his siblings. 🙂
How exciting to get a box full of your books! I have the ebook version but I’d love to have a copy of the paperback with the extra chapter and since I don’t have it in the budget to buy it, I’d love to win one!
I think my new office chair was built for a starship with transwarp drive because the arms keep swiveling over my legs, locking me in.
Unfortunately, or not, there really isn’t much room under my bed for bodies, at least not human ones. There would however be room for a small to medium sized invading force of rats.
I’m curious as to if my BFAM got into that new chapter. I mean, all I did was give you booze, HE asked to be your second husband if Victor ever dies.
I’m supposed to be either doing pre-calculus homework OR writing a post for Modern Asia. Neither of these things is happening. Because I am a citizen in good standing of the ProcrastiNation.
Banana Hammock.
Day-o. Daaaaay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go home.
I would love to win a copy of your book! (sorry not feeling very creative today with the comment…)
If I leave the dust bunnies, I’d say 6 bodies. More if they are small. Or cut up.
I’ll stop now.
Raising awareness campaigns just bring about mind fodder for my anxiety ridden, hypochondriac brain. I swear I have every disease under the sun with minimal symptoms. Also, I think 5 cow eyeballs are a lifetime maximum for most people. It has to be an odd number because one has to come from a pirate cow.
I’m part of a tribe! 🙂
I love your book!
I want to win, because “Pretend you’re good at it” is some of the best advice I’ve ever had.
My least favorite toe is my right big toe because I broke it once when I slipped on black ice caused by broken pipes in the abandoned house up the street. I had to wear one of those ugly walking boots. And a former co worker asked for two years afterwards how my toe was for two years!!!
Also I’m out of ice cream because my throat hurts from strep throat. And could use a pick me up like an autographed book.
I own a copy but it’s not signed!! I would love to have an extra loaner so I can proselytize the anxious doctor who fan unicorn success club tribe.
Left ring. Chacha, diane, & The Captain. 2. 2. But also, I’d really like to win because I am broke (unemployed & suffering from depression & anxiety, so unemployable really). I make ends meet, but can’t really afford a book & I would really love to read it. I don’t want you to think this is a sob story, no. People have it much worse, merely me pointing out, why I have not yet bought a book I really want to read. Plus, it would save my poor Harry Potter books, which are reread so much, they are crying. Literally crying. We’re trying to get the news to cover it, but they like Jesus Toast a lot better.
I could add one of these next to my mini-Beyoncé and all would be right in the world, or just my room, prolly just my room. Until my wife came in and starting asking me questions about why I have books sitting around my cock, and why mini-Beyoncé was watching. Just kidding, the books would be around mini-Beyoncé… prolly.
Probably a baker’s dozen on the glass eyeballs over a lifetime. You need that spare one in case one gets lost. That way the pairs of eyeballs remain even. Unless you’re a pirate. Then the extra one is a bonus.
I’m super excited because my sister just texted me not-for-release pictures of her wedding dress. And now I am holding this knowledge over the heads of all our mutual friends.
I found a cesspit in my garden & I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I am going to fill it with vintage glass cow eyeballs.
Thank you!
I only own the e-book, I’d love a hard copy to adorn my shelves 🙂
Boobs!
I knit socks.
Im still trying to figure out a way to get that morphine drip. Ive always wanted to french kiss a unicorn…
Did you find time to add fake eyeballs to the Wolf Blitzer hat I gave you? If so, please post a picture- I think it would be creepy cool.
Also, I’ve added the audio book to my mother’s day wish list- that’s an appropriate gift, right? This UK version would fit right in with the rest of my collection so please pick me!
Thank you for the opportunity to win a BRITISH copy of your amazingly hilarious book. I have recommended it to all the readers I know. If you included a vintage glass cow eyeball with the book, I could check that off my bucket list, too.
I let Jesus take the wheel this morning….he ran into a mailbox and didn’t leave a note. Asshole.
I have only ever used one glass eyeball in my life. And it was thrown at someone. It wasn’t his, although that would make this funnier. Just in case you were wondering, it wasn’t mine either.
There’s room for 3 bodies under my bed. The OCD cat. The reformed feral scaredy cat. And the cat-shaped body of fur shed by the previously mentioned cats. All three hang out there regularly. Inexplicably, there is also a half-deflated beach ball under there too.
glass cow eyeballs. LOL! i don’t even know what to say
Oh, how I love you and your blog and your book! I will warn others that reading this book (which I borrowed, so I would love a copy of my very own) in pulic is dangerous! People look at you oddly if you snort loudly and laugh til tears run down your face in public! Jus sayin!
My grandpa has a glass eyeball. He was shot in the Korean War. Let me tell you, it was quite terrifying as a child to stumble upon his spare eyeballs in a drawer while playing!! Makes you think your grandparents are like serial killers or something!!
Are we talking CAT bodies under the bed, or HUMAN bodies? That makes a difference.
And yes, I am a shameless book-wanting ho.
OK, I didn’t do it out loud because I am at work. But in my head, my accent was sexy as hell if not completely Brit.
And I have an eye tattooed on my back so clearly I should get in on this.
Oh also, in middle school when they made us dissect a cow’s eye, I remember saying that it was just like one of those cherry cordial chocolates and my lab partner thinking I was an idiot.
So there, all of that was even sort of on topic….
My husband recently shattered 2 very old antique glass eyeballs on our kitchen floor, and I got the glass stuck in my toe. So, my favorite toe, the big one, actually had a glass eyeball in it.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!
If I get picked, I’ll try to send you a pic of the taxidermy albino muskrat that stared at me through most of my teen years. If mom still has it. Oh, what the hell, if she still has it, I’ll send you a picture anyway. I already bought the book. 🙂
I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen on this blog when your daughter starts dating someday. I just have a feeling that her family’s going to make quite the impression. Also, I’ve been inspired to make incredibly odd things for dollhouses. Thank you.
Glass eyeballs of any variety (unicorn, cow, mermaid) come in handy anytime inlaws are around. Or house guests…who doesn’t want a glass mermaid eyeball under their pillow (for good luck, of course)?
When I was a little girl I had a reoccurring nightmare that I was walking down a long road with my two sisters and I would then suddenly fall into a giant pit filled with snakes. My sisters would look down the hole at me and laugh then walk off. Oddly I never developed a fear of snakes, but I have always been suspicious of my sisters when I see them laughing.
how much hummus is too much hummus in one sitting? and why do some British people say noigh instead of no? please pick me so I can hollow out my US copy & fill it with other existential questions like the ones above instead of cocaine, since you apparently aren’t including any.
Not sure the total number of bodies that could fit under my bed, but I know both of my cats and me can fit under there when I’m trying to chase them out to go to the vet!
One of my relatives has a glass eye. I already bought the book but since my husband is a little nuts we “need’ this edition too. 😀
I don’t have a name for my favorite body part, but let’s call it Beaker. I’ll let you figure out what it is.
I can wiggle my ears. My sister says it is because I haven’t evolved.
I have a favourite freckle. It is on my right shoulder.
I wash my hair approximately once a week, and it is magical hair.
I have a laugh so pronounced that you can almost picture a speech bubble with very bold Ha. Ha. Ha’s. coming out of it.
I’d love to read your book, because I suspect it will be one of the rare ones I’ll actually finish.
Having your autograph in it would just make it all the more spectacular.
GRACIAS!
Lobster nipples.
You are awesomesauce!!
Yay for extra chapter! Here’s something you should know – Wil Wheaton is now one of my most favorite people on the planet, and not being a Star Trek fan (Star Wars forever!), I first heard about him here on this little website of yours. The world works in mysterious ways. (You are one of my very favorite people, too!)
I can’t fit any “LIVING” human bodies under my bed but lots and lots of cats, bugs, rodents and of course monsters could fit under there, too many to count really
I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed. It sits too low to fit those underbed storage thingies underneath it and that hurts my feelings. I guess it would depend on what body types and how you butcher them. I could probably fit a gaggle of supermodel parts, but not so many Michael Moores. Ooooh! Weekend project!
I’m afraid to go out the front door. I suspect I will be attacked by a horde of tiny knomes. They are mad because I call them elves, but what else can I do? My 88 year old mom thinks they’re elves. She did so want an elf garden so I made her one… Sort of.
I don’t know anything about glass cow eyes, but in college I had to dissect a real sheep’s eye, and it bounced out of our tray, across the table, and onto the floor, where it proceeded to roll away in a manner that convinced me it was possessed by the spirit of every cartoon, ever. It was horrifyingly hilarious even to me, the vegetarian for I-prefer-my-animals-fluffy-and-frolicking reasons.
To top it all off, the eye was wide open, bright blue, and still had all its eyelashes. Seriously. I lived a cartoon life for five minutes.
I have a pet goldfish named Sushi…
Also, I would really love to win one of the UK version books.
My grandfather had a glass eye, so he might have been able to use a replacement glass cow eye — in a pinch. But I can definitely use a copy of your book for complete enjoyment.
The answer is always 42 😛 The question is what is the question.
Just have to say, Love your book! My mother-in-law could use a few glass eyeballs I think…..she has a friend called Fritz, who’s a mannequin, and some real eyes would definitely get some attention! We’d just have to perform a minor surgery to get them in there 😉 And I’m pretty sure I can fit about 6 mini bodies under my bed, lol. The kids have all of this extra room when they crawl underneath it to hide.
You really are my tribe. One day, I want to hide under a table with you and play some old white wolf games and roll for our taxidermied friends and/or glass figurines while drinking posh tea.
I read this in Neil Gaiman’s voice.
I think I’m going to start reading EVERYTHING in Neil Gaiman’s voice.
I am a high school French teacher and am crawling towards the finish line of this school year. I would love an autographed copy if your book. I own a hardback version.
Thank you for being the leader to our tribe. We love you!
I woke up thinking about the movie “No Way Out” with Kevin Costner. And I got to thinking, what did they d this movie in Russia? I mean the big reveal at the end is Kevin speaking Russian therefore revealing that he was the Russian spy. If the movie was dubbed in Russian then how did they show that he was speaking actual Russian? This is the stuff that I wake up thinking about.
I like the UK cover! Also why do they change that stuff like te British don’t know that the book was already released and that it had a great cover jacket already…
I loaned my book to a friend that never returned it 🙁
I have an answer to the “How Many Bodies Can you Fit Under Your Bed?” question.
Conversation I had with Taylor Swift*:
Me: Taylor, are you boy crazy?
Taylor: NO! Don’t be silly. If I was boy crazy I would have to have like ANOTHER ex-boyfriend under my bed. And that would make like 5 of them under there. I am pretty sure 4 is the max that will fit under my bed.
SEE? She totally knew the answer.
*I am like 90% positive this conversation really happened, and it was not a dream. Okay maybe more like 80%. 70%? Ummm, maybe more like 50%. 50%-ish.
Why don’t they make a grandmother’s day card that says..” We love you even if you’re the not so cool and fun grandma. And sometimes you are discouraging. But you are a good gardener. ??
I coul possibly fit 3 bodies under my bed. It is all about presentation.
I don’t really have a favorite toe, but I do have two least favorites. Those are the ones on the outside edge of my feet. The pinky toes, I guess? I don’t care enough about them to even know what their proper names are. All I know is that, at this point in my life, the only cosmetic surgery I would consider having is to get them removed so I don’t bang them into furniture anymore.
I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have one – I’ve been buying and handing your books out to friends and family since it first came out 🙂
The number of glass eyeballs someone needs in their lifetime can be calculated using this simple formula
#eyes = number of cats owned * how cute you thought their names were + number of trips to rattlesnake farms as a child – number of trips to the morgue + number of cars with a stickshift driven in – the number of them that were Volvos
I haven’t seen my man for 3 weeks – I need a distraction!
I just got a blue Jeep TJ and I am totally naming her Jenny . . . partly after you, because you are awesome and partly after Jenny from Dr. Who (the doctor’s daughter who died but didn’t really die and then flew away in a space ship) cause she is awesome too, and you know that someday she will be back!
In my family freckles are called “pretzels” and we have pretzel-eating parties. It gets really interesting when my kid goes to kindergarten and tries to explain our inner jokes!!
In a former life I was drug addicted super model who liked to dress her pet chicken in a costume and walk him around town pretending to speak French (the chicken, not me was bilingual) while randomly asking people if they knew the way to San Jose.
My pinky toe is my least favorite, for some reason it either sits lower on my foot or it is just disproportionately small but because of this it looks like I am missing part of my toe.
My favorite toe actually has a pet name. I call her Cletus.
I just want to hear more about the huge metal rooster.
I should definitely get one because I still use the phrase “Pony Danza” on a regular basis – and everyone in my house understands the reference 🙂
I would love my own copy of your book! Can you also get me a copy of “Bone Quill”? The website I got the first in the series is out of stock.
Devil Bunny needs a ham. He thinks reading this book will help him get one.
I love your tribe! I’ve never felt so at home. I don’t know how many bodies will fit under my bed but I still want to be entered into the contest.
I’m hiding in my bathroom from the small army of minions running around my house. Please send me a book to read while I’m trapped in here.
I got a new kitten today… his name is Leviathan. If I could attach a picture to this comment I would because he is utterly adorable!!! Anyhow… thanks for being you because that shit is awesome!!!
As a proud member of the tribe, I would be happy to win a eyeball or a book or pretty much anything you’re willing to part with. But especially the book.
I am pretty hilarious in my own head, but it would seem I don’t have anything funny or interesting to say today. I am dreading summer because I hate, absolutely hate, shaving my legs. How’s about that??
Oh, and Beyonce. I flippin’ love Beyonce, and his stories. Beyonce is funny stuff; pure roll on the ground, tears running down my face comedy.
Today I ate way too many pretzels.
wellll it’s not a glass cow eyeball… but what the hell, put me in the drawing!!!
Glass eyeballs fascinate me. How in the world do those things stay in there? If your muscles are strong enough to hold it in place, how are they delicate enough not to break it? I JUST DON’T GET THEM!!!
Insert funny laugh worthy comment here.
Was thinking about the bodies… Probably 12 3/4. I’m pretty sure I can’t fit more than that. But I’d probably need some superglue to keep them together, so they don’t start falling apart. I don’t think Elmer’s would work very well. Maybe we should google “what best to glue dead bodies together” and see what google comes up with.
OMG, I would love to win one because I bought a bookcase but all I have are Kindle books and the Kindle doesn’t fill up the bookcase very well, leaving way too much wood to dust. So, spare me some dusting and help me fill my new bookcase?
Awesome. I’d love a british version of one of my favorite books.
My new married name is awesome because it sounds like a Disney name but also it’s from a horror movie 🙂
I like you because we went to the same college, so now I feel like I’m cooler than other people who want to UT.
Fantastic font on the book! Last night I asked my 15 year old daughter to stop what she was drawing and to draw a unicorn and girl kissing. I told her it was for you. She rolled her eyes at me and said “That’s not funny Mom”. So sad. I wonder when she became so serious.
I wonder if looking at a box of glass cow eyeballs would make me dizzy?
I’ve been wanting this book since you first released it but I can’t afford it due to needing to pay for the new human I appear to be growing. Clearly I need this book to make sure the baby has the right influences in its life, like giant metal chickens and a taxidermied menagerie…
Hmm…a copy of your book from across the pond…ok.
I named a pair of tango shoes “The Fassbenders”, thanks to a friend of mine’s creativity, my tendency to name everything, and lots of booze. The heel on the shoes is big……
I love your blog and have your book on my to read list. I don’t have a witty comment of my own, that is why I read your writings!
Cow eyeballs, maybe one set and an extra just in case!
Want. signed. book!
I have the audiobook so I would love an actual paper copy to see the pics (and new chapter.)
Our bed has drawers underneath. Probably only 1 body would fit & it would have to be cut up into pretty small pieces.
On the other hand, we used to keep ferrets & unbeknownst to us, the female was using the space in between where the drawers didn’t meet on the inside as a “nest.” When we moved, we found ALL sorts of things under there including what must have been an entire box of frosted flakes cereal. She had her own box in the cabinet and would steal them one flake at a time. We thought she ate them, but no.
I’d say 8 or 10 weasels could fit under the bed in that space, easily.
Well, I DID call my breasts “haikus” yesterday on someone else’s blog. It was a proud moment for me, indeed.
I want the British version of the book. Do I need to speak British to read it, ya think? Should I look into foreign language classes now?
This Comment Was Brought To You By The Letter X And A NeW Prescription For Celexa
Today I read a story about a lady who found a FROG in her can of green beans and my first thought was, “God! It’s really too bad it wasn’t Jenny who found that. She would have been so happy. Finally, a dead, free animal to dress up.” I was picturing a “Froggy goes a’courting” theme which tells me I have clearly thought way too much about this.
Let’s pretend this did happen and I won the book. I’m now pretend jumping for joy and pretend popping open champaign. But I want to live in the real world so let’s make that happen!
Do dead dust bunnies under the bed count as bodies? Or do they have to be dead real bunnies? I don’t think I have any dead real bunnies–although I haven’t checked lately. But I’m pretty sure I have at least four score and seven dead dust bunnies in the guest room alone. I’m afraid to look under any of the other beds.
Yes please !
I really think the amount of glass cow eyeballs one can really use in a lifetime depends on how large their glass vase is. Just think about it, a beautiful bouquet in a glas vase filled with glass cow eyeballs. Talk about a conversation starter!
I’m wearing a pink tiara at the moment. And I’m totally rocking it.
I am somewhat lacking in knowledge of glass eyeballs, but one time my Grandma took out her dentures in Meijer and demanded the stock person hold them while she tried out a new type of denture glue. You are both my heros for being so awesome. (Also I was doing some of my usual contemplation about unicorns while writing this, and now all I can think of is unicorns with dentures.)
I can’t fit any people under my bed….except the little tiny people that live in the heating vents. My house is fairly old and I hear them all the time so I know they live in there. You could probably fit a whole city of them under my bed. I have an old jewelry box under there, I am sure they will love making things like a chair for their king from my old necklaces and earrings.
I enjoy your blog a lot and your twitter account. Thanks for being the weirdest most awesome you that you can be.
I like all my toes, equally. I’m thinking we could hide maybe 4 dead bodies under the bed, providing they are skinny bodies.
Thank you for making some of my work days not so dreary.
I saw a raccoon last night when I came home from work at 1am. Immediately I thought of “Raccoons wearing jams”. I laughed so hard he started to run away, stopping every couple hops to look back at me. I apologize to the neighborhood for cackling so loudly.
My partner is my favorite first responder for somnambulism. Last night I apparently woke him up by standing over him and stating, “there are TWO snakes in the bed.” He told me this morning that, after soothing me back to sleep, his half dozing brain decided there may actually be snakes in the bed. He had to do a full covers check before getting back to sleep himself.
He totally deserves a book.
The fact that we both share a very scary obsession with Doctor Who should automatically make me a winnner. 🙂
And, I read everything in a British accent.
I just watched a video of a chef breaking down an entire lobster.
Lobsters look like giant bugs to me, and I could never eat one.
At least, not if it looked lobster-y. If it were cut up into little pieces and looked NOTHING like a lobster, I could probably eat it.
But then there’s the remote chance that I’m allergic to it. Actually, that chance isn’t terribly remote. I have 2 younger sisters who are deathly allergic to lobsters. And shellfish. And bees. So, unless someone’s got an epipen on them, I would hope they didn’t hide bits of lobster in my food.
This book is my favorite read for, we’ll, I don’t know. Maybe forever. I have recommended it to a buch of people and all of them love it and have raved about it to others. The problem is that in little Willow, Alaska, I am afraid someone is going to kidnap the book from the library. Just the other day I decided I needed to read it for the sixth time and it wasn’t there!! I was alarmed and I immediately realized that someone is going to abscond with this book. I will be left bereft. Any help would be appreciated. Ta! (Very British)
My least favorite finger is my right ring finger. I smashed it in a door, lost the nail, had the nail sewed back on (ewwww) lost nail again….
THERE IS AN ANIMAL LIVING INSIDE MY BEDROOM WALL. I hear scratches constantly, especially at night, sometimes even when I play Taylor swift on pandora. I named the animal living in my wall Rambo, because judging by the sound level and amount of scratches there are, it must be some type of large animal. Quite possibly a raccoon or maybe even a pack of raccoons (do raccoons come in packs or heards? Maybe a flock of raccoons?) anyways, I named the animal living inside my bedroom wall Rambo because at the time, I was reading the chapter in your book about your Rambo who used to was soap bars in the sink. Maybe it’s your Rambo who is living inside my wall….
I’ve had a prosthetic eye since i was 5, so I already have like, half a dozen of those things sitting in a drawer at home. I would say your estimate of around a dozen is pretty accurate for the number an average person might need in a lifetime. Good job.
I rather like all my toes. I can’t quite imagine trying to balance with any of them missing. But I specifically enjoy my pinkie toe, because it has a tiny, little, barely-there toenail that it’s pretty much impossible to get nail polish to stay on.