Neil Gaiman might be drunk.

As of today, my book has been translated into several different languages, which is awesome and also very, very confusing.  Most recently, it’s come out in Turkish.

I don’t get any say on the foreign covers until they’re already come out, and when I saw this one my first thought was “Hang on.  Am I…smelling my own crotch?

But then I realized that it was actually a really flexible, thin version of me who was slamming her head into the keyboard.  Which makes much more sense.  Unlike what occurred when I tried to translate the summary of the book:

Keep up the good work, Bing.

I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell.  In Turkish.  Best. Insult. Ever.


And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the wonderific folks at, where you can find exclusive coupons, deals and promo codes for thousands of your favorite stores (And no sign-up required.) gives deal seekers a way to help each other save money by letting them find and post coupons through an easy-to-use website. You can check it out here.

108 replies. read them below or add one

  1. As if you did not already love him the most, right?! Did you frame that over your mantel? 😉

    thedoseofreality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #001: The Nightmares That Started Them All.

  2. I’m sure there are lots of people would pay good money to have Neil Gaiman tell them to go to hell. Lucky you!

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted And That's Why My Walls Are Bleeding.

  3. My kids were on a tour several years ago with their singing group and got a lot of press. I had to use translators to understand what was being said. It wasn’t nearly as funny as this.

    Laurie F recently posted How Can I Play with Thee? Let me Count the Ways.

  4. I’m apparently…inconclusive. On both Volumes of the Human Test. Is it strange that I feel a bit disconcerted about this result on a completely unscientific Internet quiz? Or…is that possibly the conclusive evidence that I’m human? 😛

    Melody recently posted Controversies Over Choice.

  5. That picture is great!

    Punky Coletta recently posted How to tell if he really loves you..

  6. Not that this isn’t a pretty cool cover (once explained), but I don’t understand why Hamlet wasn’t worthy of the Turkish cover.

    Sue recently posted Bogie, the apex predator.

  7. That – sure is an interesting cover. If the model stretched her arms forward a bit it would look like when I do the child’s pose in yoga… only with a keyboard under her head. My laptop is too frail to do that to it.

    (Which is why I’m raising money for a new one, lol, I’m sorry, I’m a total spambot. BUT. Sixteen hours left on my super-awesome everyone-should-check-it-out look-I-believe-in-it-okay? Indiegogo campaign. @___@ @___@)

    Lix recently posted Sat Jul 06 '13 Announcement from Original Photography-Printed Clothing & Accessories.

  8. Or maybe he was just saying to all those Turkish readers, ‘what a DELIGHT this book is’ get it, oh never mind ……

    Tom Stronach recently posted Essex County Council - Social Workers - How can you be so incompetent?.

  9. According to google translate, gülmemeniz means “countenance” — and that doesn’t really help it make sense…

  10. Is her sweater on backwards or is it just me??

    Gin recently posted My Husband, the Asshole.

  11. Both cover and write up translation are superb. Congrats on Turkey!

    MILF Runner recently posted Working out like a good fitness blogger.

  12. I think the keyboard is a distraction!! I know crotch sniffing when I see it no judgement! We all have that not so fresh moment. Hell… My told me all about it while we were sailing on our yacht years ago!!



    Valerie recently posted Dear Wil Wheaton, I'm sorry I drunk Tweeted you. Kind of..

  13. I wish I could decimate with laughter. That would be my superpower if I choose one.

    whatimeant2say recently posted Next Year We Will Stand in Our Driveway, and Just Hold Our iPods Over Our Heads..

  14. Do dead mice not translate?

    mousebert recently posted Aside.

  15. I swear the Turkish cover looks like it says something about napalm, which confused the hell out of me. I don’t remember any napalm in your book!

    Courtney recently posted I am so irritated right now..

  16. Translation hilarity aside, why do you have no say on your book covers? That really rots. This cover is actually quite tame compared to what COULD have been…
    On another note – does PETA know about that woman forcing goats to polka around the farm yard? She got what she deserved, I’d say. Everyone knows goats only like to cha-cha.

    Jackie recently posted Chalk Up a Point for the Single Dad.

  17. Who wouldn’t want to be flexible enough to get down there? Ha! Congrats!

    Amanda R. recently posted He Took My Camera.

  18. Yeah, to me the most striking part about the cover is the NAPALM. Love it. o_O

    Hi, I'm Natalie. recently posted Cortisol Levels Reaching Critical Mass.

  19. Even drunk, Neil Gaiman has the best quotes. The man is amazing.

    Shawn recently posted And now the world has stopped.

  20. Hahahhahah, I would probably freak if my book was translated into a language I couldn’t understand because google translate NEVER gets it right omg

    Stephanie recently posted When Life Hands You Lemons, Throw Them Back At Life.

  21. Uh, I thought the cover pic was of the back end of a hairy rat trying to hide under a hat. After I read your comment, I figured out I was wrong.

  22. Okay making Neil Gaiman actually read that translation would be so darned funny! I mean just imagine…those words coming out of that mouth! I am laughing and horny at the same time.

    Also Goat video…I want soft animals to do that to me. I think I will be purged of all my sins if I ever got attacked like that.

    Miss Gee recently posted That's What Friends Are For..

  23. Are you not concerned that Neil Gaiman also is telling Turkish people not to read your book? Seems like a pretty douche move on Mr. Gaiman’s part. Unless some radical Turkish group is holding his family hostage in exchange for negative reviews of bestselling books. That could be it.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted 10 Really Good Reasons I've Been Neglecting My Blog.

  24. Oh, to be that flexible. They should have given you a better haircut. But, still TURKEY. I have a feeling you’ll be huge in Istanbul (not Constantinople).

    P.s. it was so great to meet you yesterday evening. (I was the one so flummoxed and excited to meet you that I could barely make complete sentences, despite having no margarita at that point.) and was it just me, or did the one song at the end of the show remind you of your doctor’s door where you’re going to get the gall bladder out?

    Shelley recently posted Prevent Those Pesky Leeks With Tampax and a Little Proof-reading.

  25. You got a blurb from Neil Gaiman? (shrieked)

  26. Wow, people only tell me to go to hell in English, my life is so boring and unfulfilled.

    The Suzzzz recently posted The Big Suck is back.

  27. a book that makes me go to hell? that is QUITE the review!

    monica recently posted home of the free, land of the brave.

  28. This makes me wish that I wasn’t an ignorant-ass American, who only speaks poor English, and enough high school French to get a chocolate croissant…in Phoenix.

    Megly Mc recently posted The Bright Side Of Poor Hygiene..

  29. Apparently the Turkish word for “bestseller” is “bestseller”. Either that or “#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER” means something else entirely in Turkish.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted New Filibuster Rules for the Texas State Senate.

  30. Pretty sure that image of the woman face-planting her laptop was stolen from a food blog I read…but for the life of me I can’t find it now! Grrr. Might be from Beyondthepeel.

  31. “In addition–almost–contains real memories!” I think that they put emphasis here on the word “almost”…which means that the translator believes that you are just making stuff up. Or at least, that how I read it.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Let's Pretend This Never Happened (Jenny Lawson).

  32. I like how after he tells you will go to hell, he says there are situations where you will need to because of this laughter!!! There have definitely been many occasions where my girlfriends and I have laughed so hard at someone else’s expense that we have the express elevator to hell on standby! Because of this laughter!

    Erin- The Weekly Joy recently posted It's true- I'm a total freak.

  33. The Human test was funny, but one of the other videos that guy also posted has to be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a month.

  34. I think you’re actually doing a special female writer’s yoga pose. Not only allows more blood to rush to your head for ideas, but also to make sure you haven’t been writing so long that you’ve acquired that “not so fresh” feeling.
    Two birds with one stone. You’re a genius!

    Chris Dean recently posted Forget the "Count Down," let the "Freak-Out" begin!.

  35. I love the fricken review. I’m going to hell for sure.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted One weekend down.

  36. It does sound like a rather polite “go to hell” you might need to, due to the laughter. You don’t HAVE to but it might be a good idea.

    Kitty recently posted This Ain't Crafting Weather!.

  37. Having lived in Turkey for 7 years I know a little Turkish. I think gulmemeniz mean “don’t laugh” which probably was along the thought don’t laugh or you’ll go to hell or something. And that made me laugh!

    The line above your name says something like “blog world star tells about strange life”. Now I need to read this book! In English!

    Congrats on being in Turkish! Tebrikler!

  38. I’m also confused about your sweater. It seems to be on backwards. I think!

    Midlifenatalie recently posted Cravings.

  39. *I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell. In Turkish. Best. Insult. Ever.*

    Well, if I’m going to Hell, I guess Neil would be the guy I’d want notifying me of it…

    Kara recently posted OWH Sketch 179 & ODBD July Challenge.

  40. I’m just upset that there is another person calling herself Laurie F. but we all know I am the original Laurie F. by the period after the F. There can only be one Laurie F. in this town. this one:
    Jenny, do something. Who else would write the Gazpacho Chronicles? Me.

    (My sister had the same problem. That’s why she started posting here as “The Original Lisa”. This stuff wouldn’t happen if we didn’t have such common names. ~ Jenny)

    Laurie F. recently posted The Gazpacho Chronicles.

  41. Ew. Crotch is one of my very least favorite words.
    But Gulmemeniz is a perennial fave, so WIN!

    Sally recently posted Happy birthday!.

  42. I am going to a Neil Gaiman book signing Thursday. It will be my second signing of the year, my first being yours. I would say best book signing year ever except that I missed Weird Al’s signing last week. Wait, what am I saying, NEIL GAIMAN!, okay, best book signing year EVER.

    Darykk recently posted Just thinking about kitties.

  43. I wish Neil Gaiman would tell me to go to hell. Maybe if he would lift that restraining order against me, he could…

    RachRiot recently posted Wow, Walmart. Wow..

  44. I live in Turkey and haven’t seen it on the stores, ok, I haven’t been to a bookstore in over a week… I’ll try to go to one this week to see if I can find it “on the wild”. I’ll send you a picture as soon as I find it.

    P.S. Next time use google translate, it’s a lot better than Bing. 😉

    BookaholicCat recently posted Movie Trailer: Turbo.

  45. Ah yes, I love how online translations occasionally decide that there’s a word that’s just too shocking for our eyes to read in our own language, so it leaves it in the original. The next time I have the opportunity to speak in Turkish, I’m definitely going to holler “gulmemeniz” as much as I can.

    Also, reading this again, it sounds much more like a description of a heavy metal album than a book. Somewhere out there is a very confused metalhead wondering why the album he’s just bought is described as “incredibly funny and touching”.

    Kate recently posted be converted.

  46. Egads I wish I was that flexible! I love the “so you don’t read this book.” Totally hilarious.

    Sara recently posted See Through.

  47. The Human Test-Difficulty:Easy….yeah.

    Sarah recently posted To The Beach, and step on it..

  48. 48
    Kristy P.

    So, Google translate was a bit closer in getting the message, but still cannot capture the brilliance of Gaiman – “Lawson, you will laugh out loud, and sometimes even to keep a straight face situations because you will be going to hell because of the laughter. That’s why you do not read this book, I think this is the most logical.” Neil Gaiman

    At the end of the day, the message is – laugh at this book, and you’ll probably go to hell. I think I get it.

  49. If I’m going to hell due to the laughter, then so be it.

    When I Blink recently posted Just a Little Thank You.

  50. After three rounds of testing, I’m still not conclusively “human,” though I note with exceedingly haughty disdain that the test is highly suspect, in that it defines “humanity” as “obsession with text messaging.”

  51. “I like the told memories to the just. Favorite on the book. Makes your crotch with you to it smell. Deer dead on game.” My Turkish endorsement. You’re welcome. Because wine.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Sexy And I Know It.

  52. Dude that’s WAY cool!! Do you have to OK the covers? or does the publisher just get that right? You’re INTERNATIONAL DOLL! Love it!!

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted Saturday Sightseeing.

  53. I’ve been to hell. It’s not really on the must see again list. No matter what Mr. Gaiman says in Turkish!

    em recently posted bookmooch: where books go to find their people.

  54. But seriously, I was decimated. Now it’s time to learn Turkish.

  55. Ah yes, ‘fun with Internet translators.’ I know it well.

    Terrible Pun Comment: Well, sounds like Gaiman can really TALK TURKEY.

    I’ll go sit in the corner.

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Friday Six: Pacific Rim, Build-On Brick Mug, Boba Fett Screentest, Redshirts, and More.

  56. Actually, the best insult is “cauda habet matrum plus quam equo, fermentum parte dimidia.” Your mother has a larger penis than my horse, and is only half as attractive in latin.

  57. Once I accidentally bought an Isabelle Allende book in Spanish and I decided I would translate it by using a word translator on the internet and then I’d know Spanish by the time I was finished. The VERY FIRST sentence translated as ‘my daughter has 27 anuses’ And that is when I knew my plan would fail. I did figure out that it should have said ‘my daugher is 27 years old’

    Ragemichelle recently posted I Got A Crush On You.

  58. You need to decipher it DRUNK–confusion over:)

    leanne tankel recently posted RUNNING BLIND….

  59. OMG that cover is priceless. I agree with your first description of what it looks like … besides… if you were to really hit your head against your keyboard in that position – wouldn’t that be a lot of work??


    Tara of Mad Max and Family recently posted weekend update: National Eat a Train Month?.

  60. Bing sucks. Try google translate.

  61. I think it’s a photo of someone reading your blog who is completely knocked over by your comedic brilliance. Either that, or it’s someone passed out from smelling their own crotch. However, that person definitely wouldn’t be you. Obvy.

    Lisa Newlin recently posted No One Said There Would Be Raccoons…or Elmer.

  62. That goat attack was the cutest thing EVER. Even though the guy said “adorbs” and made me almost throw up a little in my mouth. I think I’m going to decide he was saying it ironically.

    Brenna recently posted YO!.

  63. well, you do look like you are very thin in Turkey sniffing your crotch!

    also that haircut is a tad choppy.

    Anyway, on a downer note… there being saved so you can drown in guilt.

  64. I happen to be a Turkish girl whose English skills are also excellent. So here’s a proper translation of the Gaiman quote:

    “Lawrence will decimate you with laughter, and sometime there will be situations where you shouldn’t laugh because you’ll be going to hell because of those laughs. So, don’t read the book; I suppose that’s the most rational thing to do.”

    Much love from Turkey, and I cannot wait to read it!

  65. I like that it “almost consists of real memories”. It’s almost like, well, something that you wrote, which is based in your mind, but like, a dream that you made up. Huh. Go home, Neil Gaiman.

    Incidentally since you enjoyed my RAT RAT listing, I’ve been encouraged to continue heckling my gifrlfriend to death for sake of entertainment by showing her your blog and an ebay listing for an army of 20 taxidermied ducklings, and then recording our conversations on my blog.

    I think she might hate you. No matter. Her tears sustain us, right?

    Lindsey McLeod recently posted Army of Duckness.

  66. “I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell. In Turkish. Best. Insult. Ever.”
    This line made me giggle insanely at my desk.

    Issa recently posted Day 314 - Can't I Have Just One More Day?.

  67. Best book cover EVER!! And, of course, it’s yours

    Julie Ott recently posted Save me from Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus.

  68. I just LOL’d. Literally. At work. I hope nobody noticed. Online translators are an underutelized source of mirth, for sure!

    Carrie @ poet in the pantry recently posted Blueberry Buckle.

  69. 69
    Tim Wolfe

    Off topic, but I’m sorry to report a crime. Well, a crime involving a 9-foot tall metal purple chicken, so… maybe not “sorry” so much as “thrilled.”

  70. So your book was translated in Turkish, but not in French? I check on and, it’s not there.

  71. So, I work at a University and have some Turkish student friends. I asked them how to say “This book will make you laugh so hard you’ll cry, or pee yourself.”

    They said it was “Bu kitap size a?lamak, ya da kendiniz i?emek olacak çok zor gülmek yapacakt?r.” So there you go. But then, they are friends of mine, and like to embarrass me, so who knows what that REALLY means.

    Shelley recently posted My Wonderfully F'ed Up Weekend.

  72. That sweater bears a slight resemblance to a straightjacket … I’m sure that’s just coincidence.

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted Embarrassing Mom Moments.

  73. I like the cover on the US much better, why did they have to change it?

    Mexmom recently posted Week in review....

  74. Going back and forth multiple times with Google Translate (or Bing, if you prefer) is the best version of the telephone game ever!

    The beginning part of your post here, translated from English to Turkish and then back into English, via Google Translate:
    As of today, my book is wonderful and very, very confusing in several different languages??, translated. Most recently, Turkey has come to light. Already a stranger until you’re out and I did not get any mention on the covers of seeing my first thought was “Wait, were. I Am … smelling your crotch?”

    Robyn Straley recently posted Picking a peck of padron peppers . . ..

  75. Have you seen this?
    Putnam County Sheriff’s Office: 3 men towed, rode 600-lb. aluminum chicken

    SAN MATEO, Fla. — Three men were arrested Wednesday in Putnam County for stealing a 9-foot-tall chicken statue.

  76. Brilliant. I can’t remember the last time I was gulmemenized.

    Emelie recently posted Why Bunnies Are Assholes – A Sequel.

  77. Well, really, there’s no arguing with Neil Gaiman. He will win every time.

    Karen Peterson recently posted Just another Manic Monday....

  78. I think when I publish a book, I’m going to require drunkenness on the part of all people who write blurbs about it. That way, people will read it at least to find out why everybody had to get drunk before they could talk about it. Genius, right?

    MsHazard recently posted Dead Fish.

  79. Well, now I feel better. Not. Telling. Why.

  80. I think the cover is great and there are a lot of people that wished they were that flexible 🙂
    Congrats on your success!

    My twice baked potato recently posted Summer…I Love You & Hate You!.

  81. I think Neil is saying that if you read the book you’ll go to hell. Or maybe the cover plus Neil are saying that if you can bend your head over and peek into your vagina you’ll see hell. Or maybe, the Turkish word for vagina translate to hell. Which once a month it kind of is. Truth in advertising.

    Dawnie recently posted Knock knock. Who's there? Another dumb game, wanna play? YES.

  82. I swear that title says something about Napalm.

    Neil Gaimen knows about Hell I suppose.

    Dad Moon Rising recently posted All Quiet on the Dad Front.

  83. 84

    I just found your blog a few weeks ago and I totally love you, Irish there was something I could do for you in return for the laughter you’ve brought me.

  84. 85

    Irish = I wish, damn auto complete

  85. Seriously only this shit could happen to you!

  86. I’m very impressed. And Jealous

    Geek Goddess recently posted Being Saved, yet Drowning in Guilt.

  87. I was a middle school Spanish teacher who didn’t and still doesn’t speak it. It was just an introductory class, but I am southern and with my accent it had to be pretty comical!

  88. When I was in Germany several years ago, I thought a Turkish woman was going to cut me. It was some kind of soccer tournament and she was carrying a huge Turkish flag and I accidentally stepped on it. Turks scare me.

    Elizabeth Lee recently posted 31DBBB – Day 2.

  89. 90
    Lady Penelope

    How surprising; I’m more human than I thought…

    Also, my first impression of that book cover was how hideous that haircut was. Really, what were they thinking?

  90. Gaiman has no need for alcohol. Anyone that talented can simply plumb the endless depths of his imagination for excitement.
    By thew way, why do the Turks have a problem with stuffed mice in Shakespearean clothing?

    The Hook recently posted An Open Letter To Ellen DeGeneres.

  91. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    Can’t. breathe.


    Valerie P. recently posted Losing Faith.

  92. I think your first impression of the book is pretty accurate.

    Lillian Mazeika recently posted My New Addiction.

  93. 94

    it’s a knitted hoodie and not backwards

  94. I’m not sure what I should be more concerned about: the fact that I’ll be decimated or gülmemeniz’ed. That really sounds painful.

    Suzanne Lucas recently posted Hello Royal bank? Can I Get a Million-Dollar Mortgage?.

  95. And my students don’t believe them when I assure them I can tell when they’ve used an internet translator…

  96. How do you consistently find the best things on the internet?

    Amber recently posted A Guide To Tasmania.. Kind Of.

  97. Saw a SLATE report and this passage, and it just was meant for you. I think. I wish there was a general comment box people could send stuff to you through:

    The parks are a haven for all sorts of wildlife—roseate spoonbills, bats, and black bears, to name a few. But in Florida, only Paynes Prairie Preserve State Park can claim to have a herd of bison, imported in the 1970s because bison used to live in Florida before the early settlers wiped them out.

    Being a home to buffalo that roam has turned into something of a headache for parks officials, because the beasts regard fences as a mere suggestion. They break through barricades, cross highways amid traffic, wander through suburban cul-de-sacs. Even when they stay in the park they sometimes block hiking paths and charge rangers. One woman reported being trapped in a felled tree by a thundering herd. She feared she might be trampled. Instead she wound up covered with what an official report on the incident referred to as “buffalo snot.”

    I interviewed the buffalo snot lady, who is a true Floridian. She was not at all upset about the bison. The whole time she was surrounded by smelly beasts and being coated with mucus, she said, her one thought was, “I am going to die today, but isn’t this awesome?”

  98. This has absolutely nothing to do with the post, but I really thought this was a pin you should probably see. 😀

  99. Maybe he is talking Yodaish?

    Vivian recently posted Yay my new baby.

  100. I love this post 🙂 Turkish : Son y?llar?n en e?lenceli kitabi. I means: The book is the funnest of recent years. Cover of the Turkish book is somewhat interesting but already book is interesting 🙂 I’m about to finish the book. Really, it has lots of fun.
    Greetings from Turkey…

    esra ersal recently posted Görevimiz Diesel Reboot!.

  101. I totally want to read your book in Turkish, now. To think, it only seems your book was excellent in English. By the way, I love to use online translators for a good laugh.

  102. I thought it looked like some kind of new way to type with your forehead

    Luci - recently posted #SatCap.

  103. I hope you are on the mend. I’m glad to see that your gallbladder did not succeed in killing you, I would very much miss your posts. When you are 100% better (well, are any of us ever 100% better, and I am sure you still won’t have a gallbladder.) could you make my library carry your book?

  104. I live in Turkey and I saw your book in a book shop the other day! I thought about taking a picture, but it was the English version and to be honest it would have just looked like a book on a shelf. I tried to find some Turkish tourist crap to put next to it so you’d know it was authentic but the bookshop didn’t have any, and I hadn’t brought any with me. I also kind of wondered if seeing your book in a book store is actually a good thing – maybe it would be nicer to see a gap in the shelf, you know like ‘your book was totally here, but someone bought it;’ maybe with blood next to it, so you’d think there was a big fight over who got to buy the one triple-price copy in stock?

  105. @Wendy: So what does gülmemeniz and countenance actually means? LOL

    Michael Magic recently posted Effective Options for Couch Cleaning.

  106. Hi Jenny,
    I am the guy who translated your book into Turkish.
    As Neil Gaiman says, it decimated me with laughter, took me to hell and then –‘situations!’ so I did not read it. Just kidding, here is the original blurb: “The Bloggess writes stuff that actually is laugh-out-loud, but you know you really shouldn’t be laughing, so maybe you shouldn’t read it. That would be safer and wiser”
    It was a fun ride and most importantly taught me to love and cherish my wife even more, knowing there are men out there who have wives that are even crazier than mine.
    So thank you for all the fun and life lessons, wish you all the best, hope you will publish a new book soon enough.
    P.S. Victor, I feel you man, know that we -as the Turkish men- support your cause. Remember, as we say, “The man who rides his horse to the ends of the world will know he is a hero, the man who makes his wife happy will know he is a god.”
    P.S.S. Actually, we don’t say that but it would be better if we did.

  107. Bing and Google translate for Turkish really sucks. As someone fluent in the language, I always cringe a little and laugh a lot at what they spit out. Congrats on your success 🙂

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