Neil Gaiman might be drunk.

As of today, my book has been translated into several different languages, which is awesome and also very, very confusing.  Most recently, it’s come out in Turkish.

I don’t get any say on the foreign covers until they’re already come out, and when I saw this one my first thought was “Hang on.  Am I…smelling my own crotch?

But then I realized that it was actually a really flexible, thin version of me who was slamming her head into the keyboard.  Which makes much more sense.  Unlike what occurred when I tried to translate the summary of the book:

Keep up the good work, Bing.

I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell.  In Turkish.  Best. Insult. Ever.

**************

And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the wonderific folks at  SelectAware.com, where you can find exclusive coupons, deals and promo codes for thousands of your favorite stores (And no sign-up required.) SelectAware.com gives deal seekers a way to help each other save money by letting them find and post coupons through an easy-to-use website. You can check it out here.

108 thoughts on “Neil Gaiman might be drunk.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My kids were on a tour several years ago with their singing group and got a lot of press. I had to use translators to understand what was being said. It wasn’t nearly as funny as this.

  2. I’m apparently…inconclusive. On both Volumes of the Human Test. Is it strange that I feel a bit disconcerted about this result on a completely unscientific Internet quiz? Or…is that possibly the conclusive evidence that I’m human? 😛

  3. Not that this isn’t a pretty cool cover (once explained), but I don’t understand why Hamlet wasn’t worthy of the Turkish cover.

  4. That – sure is an interesting cover. If the model stretched her arms forward a bit it would look like when I do the child’s pose in yoga… only with a keyboard under her head. My laptop is too frail to do that to it.

    (Which is why I’m raising money for a new one, lol, I’m sorry, I’m a total spambot. BUT. Sixteen hours left on my super-awesome everyone-should-check-it-out look-I-believe-in-it-okay? Indiegogo campaign. @___@ http://igg.me/at/lhpcollection @___@)

  5. According to google translate, gülmemeniz means “countenance” — and that doesn’t really help it make sense…

  6. I think the keyboard is a distraction!! I know crotch sniffing when I see it no judgement! We all have that not so fresh moment. Hell… My told me all about it while we were sailing on our yacht years ago!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  7. I swear the Turkish cover looks like it says something about napalm, which confused the hell out of me. I don’t remember any napalm in your book!

  8. Translation hilarity aside, why do you have no say on your book covers? That really rots. This cover is actually quite tame compared to what COULD have been…
    On another note – does PETA know about that woman forcing goats to polka around the farm yard? She got what she deserved, I’d say. Everyone knows goats only like to cha-cha.

  9. Hahahhahah, I would probably freak if my book was translated into a language I couldn’t understand because google translate NEVER gets it right omg

  10. Uh, I thought the cover pic was of the back end of a hairy rat trying to hide under a hat. After I read your comment, I figured out I was wrong.

  11. Okay making Neil Gaiman actually read that translation would be so darned funny! I mean just imagine…those words coming out of that mouth! I am laughing and horny at the same time.

    Also Goat video…I want soft animals to do that to me. I think I will be purged of all my sins if I ever got attacked like that.

  12. Are you not concerned that Neil Gaiman also is telling Turkish people not to read your book? Seems like a pretty douche move on Mr. Gaiman’s part. Unless some radical Turkish group is holding his family hostage in exchange for negative reviews of bestselling books. That could be it.

  13. Oh, to be that flexible. They should have given you a better haircut. But, still TURKEY. I have a feeling you’ll be huge in Istanbul (not Constantinople).

    P.s. it was so great to meet you yesterday evening. (I was the one so flummoxed and excited to meet you that I could barely make complete sentences, despite having no margarita at that point.) and was it just me, or did the one song at the end of the show remind you of your doctor’s door where you’re going to get the gall bladder out?

  14. This makes me wish that I wasn’t an ignorant-ass American, who only speaks poor English, and enough high school French to get a chocolate croissant…in Phoenix.

  15. Pretty sure that image of the woman face-planting her laptop was stolen from a food blog I read…but for the life of me I can’t find it now! Grrr. Might be from Beyondthepeel.

  16. “In addition–almost–contains real memories!” I think that they put emphasis here on the word “almost”…which means that the translator believes that you are just making stuff up. Or at least, that how I read it.

  17. I like how after he tells you will go to hell, he says there are situations where you will need to because of this laughter!!! There have definitely been many occasions where my girlfriends and I have laughed so hard at someone else’s expense that we have the express elevator to hell on standby! Because of this laughter!

  18. The Human test was funny, but one of the other videos that guy also posted has to be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a month.

  19. I think you’re actually doing a special female writer’s yoga pose. Not only allows more blood to rush to your head for ideas, but also to make sure you haven’t been writing so long that you’ve acquired that “not so fresh” feeling.
    Two birds with one stone. You’re a genius!

  20. It does sound like a rather polite “go to hell” you might need to, due to the laughter. You don’t HAVE to but it might be a good idea.

  21. Having lived in Turkey for 7 years I know a little Turkish. I think gulmemeniz mean “don’t laugh” which probably was along the thought don’t laugh or you’ll go to hell or something. And that made me laugh!

    The line above your name says something like “blog world star tells about strange life”. Now I need to read this book! In English!

    Congrats on being in Turkish! Tebrikler!

  22. *I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell. In Turkish. Best. Insult. Ever.*

    Well, if I’m going to Hell, I guess Neil would be the guy I’d want notifying me of it…

  23. I’m just upset that there is another person calling herself Laurie F. but we all know I am the original Laurie F. by the period after the F. There can only be one Laurie F. in this town. this one: hibernationnowwordpress.com
    Jenny, do something. Who else would write the Gazpacho Chronicles? Me.

    (My sister had the same problem. That’s why she started posting here as “The Original Lisa”. This stuff wouldn’t happen if we didn’t have such common names. ~ Jenny)

  24. I am going to a Neil Gaiman book signing Thursday. It will be my second signing of the year, my first being yours. I would say best book signing year ever except that I missed Weird Al’s signing last week. Wait, what am I saying, NEIL GAIMAN!, okay, best book signing year EVER.

  25. I wish Neil Gaiman would tell me to go to hell. Maybe if he would lift that restraining order against me, he could…

  26. I live in Turkey and haven’t seen it on the stores, ok, I haven’t been to a bookstore in over a week… I’ll try to go to one this week to see if I can find it “on the wild”. I’ll send you a picture as soon as I find it.

    P.S. Next time use google translate, it’s a lot better than Bing. 😉

  27. Ah yes, I love how online translations occasionally decide that there’s a word that’s just too shocking for our eyes to read in our own language, so it leaves it in the original. The next time I have the opportunity to speak in Turkish, I’m definitely going to holler “gulmemeniz” as much as I can.

    Also, reading this again, it sounds much more like a description of a heavy metal album than a book. Somewhere out there is a very confused metalhead wondering why the album he’s just bought is described as “incredibly funny and touching”.

  28. Egads I wish I was that flexible! I love the “so you don’t read this book.” Totally hilarious.

  29. So, Google translate was a bit closer in getting the message, but still cannot capture the brilliance of Gaiman – “Lawson, you will laugh out loud, and sometimes even to keep a straight face situations because you will be going to hell because of the laughter. That’s why you do not read this book, I think this is the most logical.” Neil Gaiman

    At the end of the day, the message is – laugh at this book, and you’ll probably go to hell. I think I get it.

  30. After three rounds of testing, I’m still not conclusively “human,” though I note with exceedingly haughty disdain that the test is highly suspect, in that it defines “humanity” as “obsession with text messaging.”

  31. “I like the told memories to the just. Favorite on the book. Makes your crotch with you to it smell. Deer dead on game.” My Turkish endorsement. You’re welcome. Because wine.

  32. I’ve been to hell. It’s not really on the must see again list. No matter what Mr. Gaiman says in Turkish!

  33. Ah yes, ‘fun with Internet translators.’ I know it well.

    Terrible Pun Comment: Well, sounds like Gaiman can really TALK TURKEY.

    I’ll go sit in the corner.

  34. Actually, the best insult is “cauda habet matrum plus quam equo, fermentum parte dimidia.” Your mother has a larger penis than my horse, and is only half as attractive in latin.

  35. Once I accidentally bought an Isabelle Allende book in Spanish and I decided I would translate it by using a word translator on the internet and then I’d know Spanish by the time I was finished. The VERY FIRST sentence translated as ‘my daughter has 27 anuses’ And that is when I knew my plan would fail. I did figure out that it should have said ‘my daugher is 27 years old’

  36. I think it’s a photo of someone reading your blog who is completely knocked over by your comedic brilliance. Either that, or it’s someone passed out from smelling their own crotch. However, that person definitely wouldn’t be you. Obvy.

  37. That goat attack was the cutest thing EVER. Even though the guy said “adorbs” and made me almost throw up a little in my mouth. I think I’m going to decide he was saying it ironically.

  38. I happen to be a Turkish girl whose English skills are also excellent. So here’s a proper translation of the Gaiman quote:

    “Lawrence will decimate you with laughter, and sometime there will be situations where you shouldn’t laugh because you’ll be going to hell because of those laughs. So, don’t read the book; I suppose that’s the most rational thing to do.”

    Much love from Turkey, and I cannot wait to read it!

  39. I like that it “almost consists of real memories”. It’s almost like, well, something that you wrote, which is based in your mind, but like, a dream that you made up. Huh. Go home, Neil Gaiman.

    Incidentally since you enjoyed my RAT RAT listing, I’ve been encouraged to continue heckling my gifrlfriend to death for sake of entertainment by showing her your blog and an ebay listing for an army of 20 taxidermied ducklings, and then recording our conversations on my blog.

    I think she might hate you. No matter. Her tears sustain us, right?

  40. “I’m pretty sure Neil Gaiman just told us all to go to hell. In Turkish. Best. Insult. Ever.”
    This line made me giggle insanely at my desk.

  41. So your book was translated in Turkish, but not in French? I check on amazon.ca and amazon.fr, it’s not there.

  42. So, I work at a University and have some Turkish student friends. I asked them how to say “This book will make you laugh so hard you’ll cry, or pee yourself.”

    They said it was “Bu kitap size a?lamak, ya da kendiniz i?emek olacak çok zor gülmek yapacakt?r.” So there you go. But then, they are friends of mine, and like to embarrass me, so who knows what that REALLY means.

  43. Going back and forth multiple times with Google Translate (or Bing, if you prefer) is the best version of the telephone game ever!

    The beginning part of your post here, translated from English to Turkish and then back into English, via Google Translate:
    As of today, my book is wonderful and very, very confusing in several different languages??, translated. Most recently, Turkey has come to light. Already a stranger until you’re out and I did not get any mention on the covers of seeing my first thought was “Wait, were. I Am … smelling your crotch?”

  44. I think when I publish a book, I’m going to require drunkenness on the part of all people who write blurbs about it. That way, people will read it at least to find out why everybody had to get drunk before they could talk about it. Genius, right?

  45. I think Neil is saying that if you read the book you’ll go to hell. Or maybe the cover plus Neil are saying that if you can bend your head over and peek into your vagina you’ll see hell. Or maybe, the Turkish word for vagina translate to hell. Which once a month it kind of is. Truth in advertising.

  46. I just found your blog a few weeks ago and I totally love you, Irish there was something I could do for you in return for the laughter you’ve brought me.

  47. I was a middle school Spanish teacher who didn’t and still doesn’t speak it. It was just an introductory class, but I am southern and with my accent it had to be pretty comical!

  48. When I was in Germany several years ago, I thought a Turkish woman was going to cut me. It was some kind of soccer tournament and she was carrying a huge Turkish flag and I accidentally stepped on it. Turks scare me.

  49. How surprising; I’m more human than I thought…

    Also, my first impression of that book cover was how hideous that haircut was. Really, what were they thinking?

  50. Gaiman has no need for alcohol. Anyone that talented can simply plumb the endless depths of his imagination for excitement.
    By thew way, why do the Turks have a problem with stuffed mice in Shakespearean clothing?

  51. I’m not sure what I should be more concerned about: the fact that I’ll be decimated or gülmemeniz’ed. That really sounds painful.

  52. And my students don’t believe them when I assure them I can tell when they’ve used an internet translator…

  53. Saw a SLATE report and this passage, and it just was meant for you. I think. I wish there was a general comment box people could send stuff to you through:

    The parks are a haven for all sorts of wildlife—roseate spoonbills, bats, and black bears, to name a few. But in Florida, only Paynes Prairie Preserve State Park can claim to have a herd of bison, imported in the 1970s because bison used to live in Florida before the early settlers wiped them out.

    Being a home to buffalo that roam has turned into something of a headache for parks officials, because the beasts regard fences as a mere suggestion. They break through barricades, cross highways amid traffic, wander through suburban cul-de-sacs. Even when they stay in the park they sometimes block hiking paths and charge rangers. One woman reported being trapped in a felled tree by a thundering herd. She feared she might be trampled. Instead she wound up covered with what an official report on the incident referred to as “buffalo snot.”

    I interviewed the buffalo snot lady, who is a true Floridian. She was not at all upset about the bison. The whole time she was surrounded by smelly beasts and being coated with mucus, she said, her one thought was, “I am going to die today, but isn’t this awesome?”

  54. I love this post 🙂 Turkish : Son y?llar?n en e?lenceli kitabi. I means: The book is the funnest of recent years. Cover of the Turkish book is somewhat interesting but already book is interesting 🙂 I’m about to finish the book. Really, it has lots of fun.
    Greetings from Turkey…

  55. I totally want to read your book in Turkish, now. To think, it only seems your book was excellent in English. By the way, I love to use online translators for a good laugh.

  56. I hope you are on the mend. I’m glad to see that your gallbladder did not succeed in killing you, I would very much miss your posts. When you are 100% better (well, are any of us ever 100% better, and I am sure you still won’t have a gallbladder.) could you make my library carry your book?

  57. I live in Turkey and I saw your book in a book shop the other day! I thought about taking a picture, but it was the English version and to be honest it would have just looked like a book on a shelf. I tried to find some Turkish tourist crap to put next to it so you’d know it was authentic but the bookshop didn’t have any, and I hadn’t brought any with me. I also kind of wondered if seeing your book in a book store is actually a good thing – maybe it would be nicer to see a gap in the shelf, you know like ‘your book was totally here, but someone bought it;’ maybe with blood next to it, so you’d think there was a big fight over who got to buy the one triple-price copy in stock?

  58. Hi Jenny,
    I am the guy who translated your book into Turkish.
    As Neil Gaiman says, it decimated me with laughter, took me to hell and then –‘situations!’ so I did not read it. Just kidding, here is the original blurb: “The Bloggess writes stuff that actually is laugh-out-loud, but you know you really shouldn’t be laughing, so maybe you shouldn’t read it. That would be safer and wiser”
    It was a fun ride and most importantly taught me to love and cherish my wife even more, knowing there are men out there who have wives that are even crazier than mine.
    So thank you for all the fun and life lessons, wish you all the best, hope you will publish a new book soon enough.
    P.S. Victor, I feel you man, know that we -as the Turkish men- support your cause. Remember, as we say, “The man who rides his horse to the ends of the world will know he is a hero, the man who makes his wife happy will know he is a god.”
    P.S.S. Actually, we don’t say that but it would be better if we did.

  59. Bing and Google translate for Turkish really sucks. As someone fluent in the language, I always cringe a little and laugh a lot at what they spit out. Congrats on your success 🙂

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