If wishes were horses I’d have lots of horses because I totally would wish I had horses and then I’d end up with too many and I’d wish to get rid of some of the horses and that would just make more horses. Moral: Don’t wish for horses.

The selfish things I wish for most often:

I wish I were a little less scared.

I wish I were a little less sad.

I wish I’d mastered subjunctives well enough to definitively know if I used “were” correctly in the previous two sentences.

Your turn.  What do you wish for?  (You cannot wish for world peace or for more wishes or give your wishes away.  So, really…what small – or large- thing do you wish for right this very moment?)

2,104 thoughts on “If wishes were horses I’d have lots of horses because I totally would wish I had horses and then I’d end up with too many and I’d wish to get rid of some of the horses and that would just make more horses. Moral: Don’t wish for horses.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up with money.
    I wish my daughter was not picked on for not being “girly enough.”
    I wish I was in better shape.
    I wish I hadn’t had a hysterectomy and could still have kids.

  2. I wish you a speedy recovery!!!!!! Miss your posts! Hope all went well with your bastarderous gall bladder!
    I hope they got some cool photos of the murder!!!

  3. I wish I could have my sister back. 37 is way to young to leave your 3 children without a mom.

    I wish nurses would learn to spell purulent. Nothing makes people think you’re unprofessional more than charting something is “pussy”.

    I wish people would take my computer after my second Lime-a-rita. lol

  4. I wish I were with my gvegas girls sitting around drinking good cheap wine and listening to you tell awesome life stories because you were the one who brought the good cheap wine.

  5. I wish for clarity and peace of mind
    I wish for mental stability
    I wish for strength while trying to detox from Effexor in an effort to get a proper diagnosis (I’ve been on meds for half of my life, since I was a young teen, and it is unclear what symptoms are my brain, meds, or behavioral)
    I wish that anxiety and depression would kindly fuck off

  6. I wish my wife hadn’t gone to all the trouble to make my favorite braised paprika chicken for our dinner date
    I wish I could come up with some romantic reason I look and feel like this
    I wish she won’t notice I drank 4 glasses of water and as many beers
    I wish I didn’t have two pieces left to go still
    But most of all I wish she could tell the difference between paprika and red pepper

  7. I wish people would stop breeding horses for the sake of breeding
    I wish there were not so many horses to save
    I wish i didnt have to look into the pleading eye of a horse bound for slaughter and not being able to help because our rescue is full.
    I wish our rescue had more funds and more space so we could save more.

    I wish my mother hadn’t had to go through my 8 suicide attempts over the last two years.
    I wish that she had not had to stay behind whilst i was airlifted to a city hospital.
    I wish that she hadn’t had to watch me on life support not knowing if i would live or die.
    I wish that she hadn’t had to watch me crying hysterically because i was scheduled to yet another psych ward.
    I wish that she didn’t know that i self harm
    I wish that she didn’t have to watch me when i cant get out of bed for days at a time
    I wish that all the people who had mental health problems got the help and care they needed
    I wish for no more stigma surrounding mental health
    I wish that she didnt know that i still want to die.

  8. *I wish you were feeling good enough to write.
    *I wish that Kate Middleton would have this baby already, and I wish that I didn’t feel the need to admit that I’m seriously borderline obsessed with this. My grandfather, who was in the IRA, is rolling over in his Guinness-scented grave.

  9. My biggest wish right now (besides health for my family) is that I could find that perfect person to care for my sometimes difficult child after school. I have been looking for weeks and haven’t found a good match. This good match is key to his success and for my own sanity !

  10. So many things to wish for if I really set my mind to it. But for right now, I wish the judge would see things my way so that I could spend August with my parents instead of getting ready for trial. And I wish I were Atticus Finch (only he lost that trial, so….I wish I were Perry Mason!) And I wish my dog would stop whining at me because he knows he has to wait another half hour before dinner.

  11. A mom. Or a million dollars. Mine died (mother, not million) a couple of weeks ago and I would’ve paid someone a million dollars to off her, so I guess it’s like I just SAVED a million bucks? I’d still like a sane, kindly mom though. I think that would be just swell.

  12. My Wishes:
    1. pay off my daughters student debt so she can soar
    2. Hug everyone who has posted or read these posts
    3. Be brave enough to reach out for the help I know I need
    4. Find out what a “Baller” is? And why would I want to be one?
    Hugs

  13. I wish I wasn’t so far down in this list and someone would actually read my wish…..

    I wish I had appreciated my grandma more, I miss her so much.
    I wish I wouldn’t push my parents away.
    I wish my brother and sister in law would have a baby, I would make an awesome aunty.
    I wish me and my love could find peace….witness protection ( for real) isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be….
    I wish people believed me when I confided in them that people want to kill my husband and our family.
    I wish PTSD would go away…..until the government and doctors get on board, we are going to loose many fine people whose only fault was protecting others….

  14. Not sure you are able to read all of these, Jenny, but I hope that your surgery went as well as expected and that you are back to your old self again only without the murderous gall bladder!! 🙂

  15. Since I commented last, I read so many of the other comments…and just want to give everyone hugs. Enough for today, and one to last every day for a long while.

    I have found out that one former coworker has cancer, and another’s cancer has returned. Both truly good people (I’ve worked with some bitches, but even they don’t deserve cancer).

    Hoping I can figure out how to swing a quick trip to see the one–she was my first boss and is the mom of one of my best friends. That would mean leaving the husband with the still new to us baby for an overnight or two. Or traveling with a teething newborn. Or regretting not making the trip when it was too late. He’s so good with her and she loves him, but I’m not sure he’s equipped to handle more than 7 hours on his own. And family is all far flung.

    Fuck cancer….it keeps stealing people I love.

  16. I think we all wish for more money and less stress and anxiety. So I’m going to wish for something very personal and frivolous. I wish my DH was not allergic to cats.

    I would really like one, but he is violently allergic and doesnt like them anyway.

  17. Oh I just wish… I think it is the human condition to be at least slightly dissatisfied with our lives.

    I am wondering where you are…. gallbladder surgery?

    Hope all is well.

  18. I wish for the strength, courage, knowledge, and support to not only present TNR (trap, neuter return) to our local ordinances but to keep going even when I get a ‘No’. Because I will. But there is no reason to have feral cats housed in a tax-payer funded facility to simply kill them 5 days later. There is nothing ‘humans’ about that.

    And, as foster coordinator for a local rescue who pulls a LOT of animals from this particular facility, I need TNR to happen so kittens stop walking through my door. Well, they don’t walk in themselves…unless someone were to open the door for them. That would be cute, a kitten strolling in by itself.

    Where was I?

    Oh. Right. I wish for TNR so that there are fewer kittens being born and fewer cats being killed.

  19. I wish for the strength, courage, knowledge, and support to not only present TNR (trap, neuter return) to our local ordinances but to keep going even when I get a ‘No’. Because I will. But there is no reason to have feral cats housed in a tax-payer funded facility to simply kill them 5 days later. There is nothing ‘humane’ about that.

    And, as foster coordinator for a local rescue who pulls a LOT of animals from this particular facility, I need TNR to happen so kittens stop walking through my door. Well, they don’t walk in themselves…unless someone were to open the door for them. That would be cute, a kitten strolling in by itself.

    Where was I?

    Oh. Right. I wish for TNR so that there are fewer kittens being born and fewer cats being killed.

  20. I wish I could break through the wall in my head that keeps me from accomplishing the things I KNOW I’m capable of. I also wish I could take away other people’s pain. And that Salted Caramel ice cream had the nutritional content of broccoli.

  21. I wish I had a do-over with school, and wasn’t buried under a bunch of student loans and no degree. I wish I could go back to school this fall with a fresh start. I wouldn’t mind even if I had to start over, no transcripts.

  22. I wish to be a nicer person
    I wish for a best friend
    I wish for peace
    I wish to be happy

  23. I wish I didn’t have any more pain. I would do anything or pay any pice to have relief so that I could be a food mother, wife, daughter, etc.

  24. I wish I was less paralyzed/terrified by conflict of any sort.
    I wish I had more patience.
    I wish I felt less guilty about time not spent with my toddler and enjoy one spent more.
    I wish I could manage to get all of the laundry done, the house cleaned, and healthy meals made each week (this one involves either one travel or a rob of money spent)
    I wish I could swim every day.

  25. I wish I were more motivated to finish writing my book and exercise regularly. Also, maybe that I wasn’t so fucking incontinent when I am exercising regularly.

  26. I wish I could get over my ex.
    I wish I still knew what it’s like to be loved.
    I wish I knew if any of it was real.
    I wish I’d been able to be the girl he wanted me to be, but I also wish that I will be strong enough to be who I am. I think it’s time to try that now.

  27. I wish I could meet God.. y’know without actually dying,
    and I wish my brain worked right all of the time, not just some of the time.

  28. I wish my dad had talked to me when I was a teenager.
    I wish I hadn’t been born with OCD.
    I wish I had a child.

  29. I wish my son had lived.
    I wish my father-in-law had lived, too.
    I wish my grandmother had not had that stroke, and I wish that she weren’t suffering.
    And I wish I could deal with it all as well as I might have once upon a time ago.

  30. I wish that I could walk properly again. Or run.
    I wish that I at least had enough money to fix up my house… but the price tag on my leg was too low.
    I wish people paid attention when they got on the road.
    I wish I was a size 14.

  31. I wish I could clean up my office in a single day.
    I wish my sister could deal with her shit so that we could have a real relationship again.
    I wish I were more enthusiastic about seeing her again.
    I wish my other sibling were not having such a hard life.
    I wish the NSA weren’t making me so paranoid about saying anything online.
    I wish I did not require so much chocolate or other snacks to get through the anxiety of writing analysis papers for my classes.

    I wish the asshole person who was driving drunk with a revoked license would have been pulled over and jailed a week today, so he would not have run over a very good man commuting on a bike a week tomorrow. Dammit.

  32. You reminded me of this oldie but greatie.

    I LIKE MONKEYS

    I like Monkeys

    The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

    I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

    I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.

    I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

    I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasn’t improving.

    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

    I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

    I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

    I like monkeys.

  33. I wish I was more patient with my currently very trying 3 year old.
    I wish we had enough money not to worry about rent every month.
    I wish money worries didn’t make my husband withdraw from me.
    I wish I was brave enough to get the tattoo I want.
    I wish I had the money to get the tattoo I want.
    I wish my dad still wanted to talk to me.
    I wish my stepmother would… go away. Far away.
    I wish I had my Lilycat back. Well, there’s a few pets I wish I had back. But normal, not all Pet Sematary-y.
    I wish I knew the choices I’ve made in my life were/are the right ones.

    I wish I didn’t feel so lost in my own life.

  34. I wish hubby and I were independently wealthy…or at least financially secure enough to move the heck out of Phoenix! It’s friggin hot here and I don’t like living on the surface of the sun.

    I also wish I had the guts to tell a few family members off because they really deserve it but I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t like making anyone mad.

  35. I wish my son didn’t have cancer. I also wish, and hope, and pray, to spend time with him. Lots and lots of wonderful, happy, joy-filled time.

  36. I wish I did less wishing and a whole lot more getting off my rear and doing something.
    I wish I had known the right things to say to my wonderful wife 33 years ago when we were first married. I made things so much more difficult than they needed to be.
    I wish chocolate was slimming.

  37. I wish I could skip past the next few weeks of living temporarily to the time when my boyfriend and I can be reunited in our own place and get on with our lives together!

  38. Most of all, I wish that these wishes would be published, that all of the hurt would go away, that evil didn’t exist, that people were kinder to one another. I wish that my husband would’ve discussed his retirement plans with me more thoroughly rather than just telling me “I retired today”.

  39. This crocheted dissected mouse is missing its gallbladder too. And it may be the beginning of a new collection for you.

  40. I wish we had teleportation capabilities (just spent 30 hours flying with tired, cranky husband and children to our new duty station in Korea).

    I wish the US military was less less sadistic (after 30 hours of travelling, we had to sit through three “briefings” [total misnomer-they aren’t at all brief] before they would let us go to our hotels…and then the man had to be back downstairs six hours later to start “in-processing”)

    I wish the laundry soap dispenser at our hotel hadn’t eaten all my change. There is a Dr Pepper in the vending machine that is screaming my name!

  41. I wish I could pay off my mother in law’s house so my husband and I wouldn’t have to move in with her… I wish my father in law wouldn’t have died so my mother in law had the money to keep paying her house payment. I wish I weren’t so selfish..

  42. I wish I was me before depression and anxiety took over.
    I wish I could remember how to lie to myself that I’m happy.
    I wish I had some money for a new wardrobe.
    I wish I was desirable.
    I wish I never dropped out of university while I could still afford it.
    I wish that group therapy goes well for me when I try it for the first time.

  43. I wish I didn’t have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, and Rheumatoid Arthritis at the ripe age of 32 (and that I hadn’t had them for the past decade) so I could live some semblance of a normal life.

    ….failing that I wish I had $200,000 so I could pay off all of my debts and move to England to study history at Kings College London. This would reduce my stress level, get me the hell out of Michigan, and finally get me a college degree which I’ve been trying to afford for 15 years.

  44. I wish I didn’t let my boyfriends suicide effect my life like it did there are so many things I would have done differently and instead of doing it, I blamed it on him. When really it was me.

  45. I wish I could move away from this town and be free from randomly running into my daughter’s molester, my brother. I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish she still had her 9 year old innocence. I wish my world would stop spinning long enough for me to get a foothold. I wish I didn’t have to wish for these things. I wish my mom could hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I could believe her. I wish that I could always protect my children. I wish parenting didn’t hurt so much. I wish doing your best really was good enough.

  46. I wish my mom were still alive, healthy and happy. I wish I had a flat stomach. I wish I felt supreme confidence all the time.

  47. I wish my baby comes into this world healthy
    I wish we learn to be great parents so that she never doubts that she is loved unconditionally
    I wish my two friends are able to conceive

  48. I wish that depression would turn into a physical entity and that someone would tell me where it lives. I would so completely knock down depression’s door and kick its everlovin’ ass so hard. I would grab depression by the shoulders and hold on while I kneed it in the balls. I would kick it in the ribs while it was down. I would jump on depression’s kidneys from a chair while it writhed in pain. I would hit depression in the head with a hammer. And then, I would finish depression off and kill it where it could never, ever again hurt anyone I love or respect or like or even just know.
    And then I would wish for $2M. That would be enough to live comfortably but not extravagantly and get myself into trouble. And if I cured the world of depression, I’d deserve that life.
    And then a flat stomach. Although if I had $2M, I would get lipo and buy myself a flat stomach.

  49. I wish I didn’t have periods of catatonia two or three times a week. And a brain that didn’t refuse to make memories or recall the ones I do make.

  50. I wish I could allow myself to love unconditionally and in return allow myself to be loved unconditionally

  51. I wish your wish for horses would overpower you so that you’d buy one or two of my horses, so I wouldn’t have too many. Boy, are you right about horse ownership. You’d think a 1200 lb pet that poops pilesthe size of curbstones would be less attractive to the acquisitive.

  52. I know my husband loves me. But I wish he wanted to look at me when I am naked. And because I am fat, he does not. It’s painful for him and it kills me because he tries to hide how he feels about it.

  53. I’m extraordinarily late to the party but I wish that I never had to worry about money again. I don’t want to be obnoxiously rich or anything. I just don’t want to have to stress myself out every time I get a paycheck. STUDENT LOAN REPAYMENT IS THE WORST.

    Also, I’d wish for A/C. Girl, NYC is hot.

  54. I wish my husband could find a new job and not work for the world’s biggest asshole anymore. I wish that I could take away my husband’s depression and pain. I wish I could make it better.

  55. I wish I had horse facilities in my backyard. By wishing for that I would then have a horse to put in the facility.

  56. UPDATE!! Since I released it into the Universe here, I feel its appropriate to update here, even if no one ever reads it! I wished for a “real” job, I got it. I start in August , I’ll actually be able to be a contributing member of my household now 🙂 Also this job in no way involves poo! I wished I could use my degree, and with this job, I will. I wished I could keep my cat out of the entertainment center. And thus far she hasn’t figured out that she can just knock over the stack of dvd’s I used to block her path. So I guess wishes do come true 🙂

  57. I wish I could cry. Many years and lots of sadness I can’t let go of til I learn to cry again. It’s a bitch when you tell yourself you can’t cry because you have to keep your shit together for __________, then can’t seem to rescind that order. If one day it begins to flood and things start to float, blame it on me, because I will have been successful.

  58. I hate wishing for more money but hell yes, I wish we had more money so I could just up and visit my family 3000 miles away without worrying about the hellacious expense of air travel

  59. I wish my son had not inherited my crappy mental illness genes.

    Watching him suffer and try to deal with depression and/or bi-polar is a million times worse than my very worst days.

  60. …And a chef and a part-time chauffeur for long distances or when I just want to go out and drink. Everything else I can handle.

  61. If I had a wish?? I’m with one of the previous women that posted earlier…sex…I would wish for sex. Six months into our 5th deployment in 10 years I really, REALLY just need sex. Ya marry a guy expecting to get to have sex whenever you want to and BAM! He joins the Army and I’m the poster child for toys with batteries (well, that’s not really true…if I were I wouldn’t need sex)…but it made you smile, admit it. Hey, you asked.

  62. I wish my heart were no divided between my family and old friends back home in Colorado and my friends and home here in San Francisco.

    I wish vacation time were endless.

    I wish happiness and goodness were the basic building blocks of every human being. And motivation.

  63. I wish I had enough money to go on my dream trip to Italy.

    I wish my best friend would suddenly wake up and realize that we’re perfect for each other, marry me and live happily-ever-after.

    I wish I had a TARDIS. All of time and space!

    I wish it didn’t get so dang hot in the summer in Texas.

  64. I am horribly envious of you and your fabulous blog Jenny but then I forget that you suffer from depression that I would never want. Moral of the story my life is freaking awesome and I should be much more grateful and stop wishing for everybody else’s.

  65. I wish teleportation was real; because then it wouldn’t matter that I live 600 miles away from so many people that I love.

  66. Your first two wishes brought tears to my eyes, because I’ve wished for those two things so many, many times. I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one.

  67. I couldn’t stop reading these comments. It breaks my heart how many people are in so much pain. Thank you for being so brave as to share your hurt. Hopefully sharing it makes the burdens a little lighter.
    I wish for peace for all of us.

  68. I couldn’t stop reading these comments. It breaks my heart how many people are in so much pain. Thank you for being so brave as to share your hurt. Hopefully sharing it makes the burdens a little lighter.
    I wish for peace for all of us.

  69. Lemon meringue pie – I love that shit. (I’m pretty sure I misspelled meringue…..merang? Merringue? Screw it, I really wish I had some PIE right now.

  70. I wish my mom & dad, my sister Peg, my friends Susie and Holly were still alive.

    I wish my hip and back wouldn’t hurt all of the time; so I could sit/stand/walk for more than a few minutes.

    I wish I was able to work.

  71. I wish I could get into a psychiatrist in sooner than two to four months so I could talk to someone about my recent realization that I might be bipolar and start changing meds to try to get it under control. I wish for a successful combination of drugs, not two antidepressants that just make it easier to give people fake smiles so they don’t get freaked out by a blank staring face.

  72. I wish my mom would get better. I wish she would see her doctors, take her medicine, go in for a week of observation, and get a diagnosis and a treatment plan. I wish she would pay her bills, and she would get a phone so I could know she was okay. I wish I could feel like her daughter, not a nagging long-distance ineffectual caretaker.

  73. I wish I didn’t miss our son *quite* so much (he’s in college now, as of last week, and it’s like our best friend moved out on top of feeling the whole regular “empty nest” parental stuff.) He’s a really amazing person, and he’s having new, wonderful adventures and I feel like I should be purely happy about the whole thing by now instead of still crying sometimes.

    I wish I didn’t struggle with physical pain and depression periodically. It would be nice to feel happy and strong as my normal default setting again.

    I wish we had enough money to retire in reasonable comfort and not worry about money anymore. The 2 million figure someone else mentioned sounds about right- I’d pay off everything, and we’d even be able to travel a bit.

  74. I wish I could sit down for two hours with Jenny and talk to her about GAD and Cymbalta and CBT/DBT and how I totally understand what it’s like to wish to be less scared. It’s actually possible. And I’m not selling anything. Well, I am but not to Jenny and not anything having to do with GAD, until I finish writing the book that I quit my job to write last year about a lifetime of GAD but which I got distracted from after about 10,000 words because I came up with an awesome startup idea that now has me looking for work.

  75. I wish that when I walked out of work today, Jason would be standing at my car, and waiting for me. That when I reached him he would tell me how sorry he was about Sunday, and that it was all his fault. That he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that he just couldn’t spend one more minute without me in his life. I wish I hadn’t told everyone, and that it would all just go away. Are you granting any wishes today? Could you call him for me?

  76. I can maybe help with your third wish. Grammarian to the rescue!

    You should use the subjunctive tense when you’re discussing something that has not actually happened, but are instead contemplating an alternate universe where this thing could be so.

    You should use the plain-old-indicative tense to discuss something that maybe did actually happen.

    For example: If he WAS in class last week, he learned this material. (I don’t know for sure that he was in class last week, but there’s a decent chance he was. So no fancy subjunctive tense.)

    Other example: If I WERE a unicorn, I’d use my horn to disembowel mean people. (I have never actually been a unicorn, but am just imagining a world in which I could be a magical horned vigilante. So it’s subjunctive tense all the way!)

    So yes, you did use them correctly. Yay you!

    (Also, I’m aware that I’m two years late with this comment. I just discovered your blog.)

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