Okay. This isn’t a funny post so feel free to skip it. I just need to know something and I need you to tell me the truth rather than just make me feel better, so please be honest.
I realize that I’ve accomplished a lot in life and deep-down I know that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I only have a few days a month where I actually felt like I was good at life. I know I’m a good person (as in “not evil or intentionally arsonistic”), but I’m not very good at being a person. I don’t know if that makes sense and it’s not me fishing for compliments. Please don’t tell me the things I’m good at because that’s not what this is about. It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think, “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life. Even the great things are overshadowed by shame and anxiety, and yes, I realize a lot of this might have to do with the fact that I have mental illness, but I still feel like a failure more often than I feel like I’m doing well.
My pride that Hailey is the best speller in her class is overshadowed by the embarrassment that I don’t have the energy to be a PTA mom. I’m happy my first book was so successful, but I suffer with writer’s block so much that I’m always sure I’ll never write again and that I’ll never finish my second book. I feel like from the outside looking in I seem successful and happy, but I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.
Part of this is me. I have depression and anxiety and a number of personality disorders that make it hard for me to see myself correctly. Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it’s not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches. I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank.
I just need an honest assessment to see if this is just me (and if I need to just find a way to change, or to increase my meds) or if this is just normal and people just don’t talk about it.
Please tell me the truth (anonymous answers are fine). How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? What makes you feel the worst? What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Please be honest. Because I’m about to be.
I feel successful 3-4 days a month. The other days I feel like I’m barely accomplishing the minimum, or that I’m a loser. I have imposter syndrome so even when I get compliments they are difficult to take and I just feel like I’m a bigger fraud than before. I feel the worst when I get so paralyzed by fear that I end up cowering in bed and fall further and further behind. To make myself feel more successful I spend real time with my daughter every day, even if it’s just huddling under a blanket and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV. I also try to remind myself that most of idols struggled as well, and that this struggle might make me stronger, if it doesn’t destroy me.
I’m hoping that by writing and posting this it will make me face this head-on and make some changes, either by forcing myself to change the way I see success, or by forcing myself to get shit done and stop feeling such dread and anxiety every day. I’m hoping that I’ll get hints from you guys about what you do to feel like a good, successful person, or what you avoid that I can try to avoid it as well. I’m hoping to stop the voices in my head. At least the ones who don’t like me very much.
Your turn.
PS. For those of you who are new here, I’m already doing cognitive therapy and I’m already on a lot of drugs for anxiety, depression and ADD, but I’m really fine. Honestly. I just want to be better. I’m just struggling with being human and I could use some pointers. My guess is that a lot of us could.
PPS. When things get bad this song helps me. It might help you too. Put on your headphones.
PPPS. The Oxford Dictionary says the word “arsonistic” doesn’t exist, but it totally does. It’s the same thing as being artistic, but instead of being sensitive to or good at art, you’re just really good at arson. Then again, this is is the same dictionary that just added “twerk.” I question everything now.
PPPPS. Sorry. This post is all over the place. My ADD drugs haven’t kicked in yet. I’m failing at writing a post about how I’m failing. I think I’ve just set a record. A bad one.
Jenny,
It’s not just you–I feel the same way. What’s hard about it is that I Pin kick-ass stuff, my house is really neat and tidy, my kids are always perfect in school and never leave the house with a hair out of place or a lunchbox that doesn’t have a kick-ass lunch in it. People are in awe. It’s such a lie though. To keep it all up causes so much stress and anxiety that I’d love to be able to just let all that shit GO. But I can’t. I can’t leave the house with a single dirty dish in the sink. Or with a single bed not made. And if one little thing isn’t where it belongs, I feel like a failure. For the whole day. And then I yell at the kids and get pissed off at everything and everyone and then I feel even more like a failure for THAT.
Sucks. But at least know you’re not alone.
Hugs.
C
About once a month!
And I work very hard and feel moderately successful most days (as long as I managed to avoid comparing myself to all the shiny, happy people holding hands, which happens about 7 days a month.)
This is therapy:
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Well, yesterday in a burst of actual hopefulness I suggested ways to improve things at work. This desperately offended my immediate senior, so I burst into tears, and was sent home for the rest of the day. This was by no means my least professional day.
Even on days when I accomplish a lot of things, I feel super panicky about all the other things to do.
Most people – including those who are not mentally ill – definitely feel like they’re faking it, and everyone else is doing so much better. You actually look brilliant and successful to me (which I know must sound crazy to you, but it’s true…..for one thing, I’ve written 13 unpublished novels and not even my friends generally read the blog that I wrote daily for four years).
I have had depression and anxiety issues, and I’m doing pretty well now – but yes, I’d say I feel like I’m sorta okay 3-4 days a month too. Mostly I try not to think about it, or I wallow. In actual reality I shower almost every day, and my daughter is almost always dressed and fed – and not afraid of me. My marriage is pretty impressive (mostly of course because my husband is a saint…but I picked him, so I get some credit for that). The rest is details, and not actually important.
Louise Curtis
I have depression and anxiety as well and everything you’ve said resonates with me.
Truthfully, I cling to two things: my co-worker’s mantra that “you can only do what you can do” and a Facebook/Pinterest thing that says “don’t judge your life by someone else’s highlights reel.” Those shiny people have something else in their life where they are failing and we’re not going to see it.
Sure. I often feel like I’m “not good enough,” “not accomplished enough,” “not working hard enough,” etc.
But you know what? I brought the leftover cake from this weekend’s Labor Day picnic into work today, and emailed my office friends to come eat it so I didn’t puree it and drink it like a milkshake. And not a single person picked up a piece of cake and ran. Everyone wanted to chat, catch up. One even brought me milk so that we could enjoy our cake together. And the fact that 6 people came for the cake and stayed for the conversation is good enough. I *mean* the chances of me dying penniless are not all that high, but the chances of me dying alone are a lot lower. Unless I get attacked by a rabid wolverine while hiking…
Anyway, rabid wolverines and hikes aside, you know what…2000 people came for your cake and stayed for the conversation. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And if it takes you 10 years to write the next book we’ll still read it. 🙂
I’m pushing 40 and live with my parents. College dropout, mentally ill, stunning job failure rate. No seriously, I could medal in the Getting Fired Olympics.
I don’t know if “failure at life” is a thing, but it’s a thing I have and so do the vast majority of my friends, so if it’s not a thing, we need to contact whoever writes that huge ass dictionary of everything that could possibly go wrong with you and tell them to update a bitch.
And I’m not lazy, or privileged (not any more than the average American, anyway) or any of the other reasons one might have to suck at life. I just pretty much suck at it.
So what I did, was decide to start my own business doing something I’d never done before, that I’ve never been trained to do, and learn how as I do it. I decided to be an artist, do art shows, make art (whatever that is). Historically, I’m as about artistically inclined as a pregnant yak on roller skates. But since I suck at everything else, why not? At least I’ll have fun sucking. Unlike waiting tables or answering phones, or any of the other things I’ve done that I suck at but also wanted to kill myself if I had to do for one more hour.
Build confidence by sucking sounds like a weird way to go about it, but really, how could I do worse? I’ve already sucked a whole lot at all the things you’re supposed to do to not suck, so why not do something I totally know I suck at, have a good time, and whatever happens at least I sucked in a spectacularly colorful fashion.
This project is about a year old at this point. My first two art shows went extremely well. Not financially, but I got all sorts of positive feedback. I promised my partner I wouldn’t tell people I wasn’t really an artist, and they didn’t seem to notice so…
I dunno. I still don’t feel successful at life. But I’m having more fun sucking than I ever have. So maybe the secret isn’t trying not to feel like a failure, but to try to have fun feeling like a failure.
And glitter. The secret is also glitter.
You are not alone. And it’s not limited to mental illness. Behind every single happy looking life there is strife and feelings that you’re useless. We all feel worthless in our own ways. For our own reasons.
How I cope- i tell funny stories about the unusual things I’ve done. I make lists and put on them things like ‘brush teeth’ and ‘feed cat’ so I can check those off. I go out and buy craft kits and make things for friends, silly bits of frippery, to bring them joy. I actively concentrate on helping others, which allows me to be social while doing a job, which is less scary. And Somedays I stay in bed all day, only getting up to grab water or pee or get more chocolate and ask my partner to leave me alone for the day so I can wallow. And Somedays I put on my headphones and listen to music or an audio book as I run errands and pretend all the people in the stores are those cars in that frogger game and not actual people at all. And Somedays I order things online so I don’t have to go out. And Somedays I go around being actively kind to everyone I interact with no matter how annoying they are . Because Somedays I need to be reminded that others are struggling as much as I am, and that many more have been through worse and made it to old age and while they may or may not have wisdom, they have survived.
Cause Somedays, that’s what it’s about. Survival. And if the best you can do is stay alive, then you won. Even if winning looks like Cheetos stains on your nightshirt and great hair. You’re still here. And that is a fucking accomplishment!
Okay, I should have read my comment before I posted it – I didn’t realize how preachy it sounded. I’m sorry about that – I guess I just wanted to rush in and do something to help you, because I think you are awesome and I really want you to know in your heart that you are a wonderful person and THAT is success. It isn’t about how much you accomplish. It’s about the fact that you seem to always want to improve yourself, and that you care so much about others. Your sense of humor is what brings people to your blog, but your caring heart is what makes us stay with you. That is success! That right there is what being a successful person is! A lot of people never manage that.
I haven’t read all the previous posts – too many and too little time, so sorry if this is redundant.
Let me tell you a little secret about the people on Pinterest and facebook. the reason they (it, whatever they post) looks so good, is because it’s entirely separated from the rest of their life (room, car, brain, kitchen, closet). The things that are posted look special because they have been removed from the rest of their true surroundings (the piles of paper, books, miscellaneous crap) and have been photographed to make them look precious and special (sprecious – it IS SO a word – I just made it up).. And then it has been photographed as if there is nothing else in the world so unique/cool/etc. Nobody on earth is as organized/”together” as they look on facebook. NOBODY. NOT EVEN ME.
Also Amy Cuddy’s TED talk “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are” illustrated how science shows standing like Wonder Woman and other power postures help, but the most poignant part of her talk was when she broke up about her own impostor situation following a traumatic brain injury from a car accident and how she helped others who felt the same way.
Her mantra stuck with me: “It’s not fake it until you make it – It’s FAKE IT UNTIL YOU BECOME IT”.
That also gave me hope. 🙂
I don’t follow you regularly, but I’m glad I saw this one and I hope I can say something that makes sense, or at least helps you to see that you’re not alone. Nearly every day of my life is spent wishing it wasn’t such a failure and a waste. I feel like I’ve been blessed and robbed all at the same time. I know some of it is my fault, and I am always analyzing myself and trying to figure out how to be a better person. I’m very hard on myself, as you are, and always trying to be (or feel) worthy. Some of my circumstances cannot be helped (mainly systemic disease, poverty, not meeting goals or expectations because many days I can’t even manage to take a shower and put on real clothes), and it is those things which I cannot control that throw me into a spiral of anger and sadness and self-hate to the point that I wish I was never born. Not the right way response, obviously, but I have days like this often.
I’m glad you have sought medical care. A lot of people don’t, even when they have the resources (financially) to do so. And they never get better, they spend their lives fighting what they can’t face by pretending they’re fine and that any unfortunate events or bad feelings are everybody else’s fault. You don’t do this, and that is worth commending. Concerning your peers and their perfect lives, I believe we all relate very well to that. We see things as they should be and not as they really are. We have the mindset that there is an “ideal”, even if we’re not made for it, and then we wonder why we are such failures at life. The normalcy of the “ideal” life is a farce. If we could only be a fly on the walls of our friends and neighbors, we would most likely see that their lives (and their characters) aren’t as perfect as they appear. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to the facades of others, but we do. Grass is greener on the other side, keeping up with the Joneses, and all that crap. It’s a part of who we are as imperfect humans observing the outer layer of those around us. Shrek’s donkey was right…we are onions.
I ran across this article the other day and thought I’d share. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201308/why-some-people-hate-receiving-compliments
I also recommend Toni Bernhard’s articles on Psych Today, if you’re not already following her.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold
I don’t (and can’t) have children, but I read where someone asked a popular Author and TV personality what kind of legacy he wishes to leave the world, other than his daughter. His answer: “She’s enough.” It’s high time we stop judging ourselves by someone else’s ideal or expectations. Create your own, and your daughter will follow suit. From where I’m sitting, you’ve already succeeded in this.
I know you’ve said you’re not a particularly religious person, but I hope you’ll accept my prayers for peace and better days anyhow. You could benefit from taking your own advice that I’ve seen you give others. Don’t knowingly allow anyone or anything lie to you. Be kind to yourself, and continue to reach out. Take care.
You are not alone. I think we all get to feeling like this – well, at least smart people do – people who realize there should be more to life than what we experience day to day. I learned a cool name for it in college – self actualization (yay! thousands of dollars well spent). The thing is, most people don’t ever reach self actualization and that’s why we, as people, are miserable a lot of the time. We know there is more out there and it feels out of our grasp.
I don’t know where out there “it” is, but gosh, if anyone finds it, please report back here on the double!
I’ve never posted here before, despite reading your blog frequently. This one really resonates. I also have depression and anxiety and take medicine to keep myself getting out of bed each morning. I also have impostor syndrome. Here’s how I look on paper:
* I have a graduate degree
* I live in one of the wealthiest suburbs in the country
* We can afford for me to stay home with the kids, which was my preference, and my husband supports that
* We travel internationally every year
* I am studying two languages and taking a writing class, just sort of for the hell of it
* People *tell me* I’m attractive
* I exhibit at a local art gallery
* I have some very wonderful friends
* Despite me being home, we have a housecleaner come once every two weeks because I’m too lazy to clean my own house
Yet, every single day, every SINGLE HOUR, I am doubting myself, upset with myself, struggling with body image, struggling with what never gets done, with the lack of time I spend doing things I should be doing…In other words, every single word you wrote, every single feeling you have, I have too. All the time.
My own doctor tells me not to be so rough on myself. I have two children who both have special needs, and taking care of them is exhausting. THEY are exhausting. We have a wonderful bond, though, and they are the sunshine in my life. And sometimes the clouds.
We went on vacation for three weeks this summer, and ate everything I saw, and then I spent every single moment not being able to focus on the wondrous sites we were seeing, because I was sure everyone was looking at how fat I am. I am not fat, I just feel fat. I actually have no idea what I look like, because my body image is so messed up. I doubt 5’7″ and 140 lbs is fat, but I feel fat.
So no, it’s not just you.
It’s not just you. We all have our variations on this. I think your phrase “definition of success” is key. Comparison is a crock. Don’t go there. Something that helped me was being at the bedside of my 52 year old brother as he died of ALS. He did not go to college; his career was mostly manual labor at an aluminum factory. There he was on his deathbed, and what mattered? His relationships – his love for others and his love for God.
His co-workers at that aluminum factory were some of his most faithful visitors. They paid for a wheelchair ramp for their house and they did all they could to support my brother’s wife. My brother actually enjoyed all the time he got to spend visiting with the many family and friends who visited him during that end of life period. His motto during that time was, “His grace is sufficient for me.” His faith in God just grew stronger and stronger.
Moral of the story: Love your friends and family. When you look back on your life, that’s what matters. And you’re already doing that. Success!
You are SO not alone. I’m impressed that you feel competent 3-4 days a month. I’m lucky if it’s 1.
I think there are two reasons for this:
1: we compare our insides to everyone’s outside. We don’t know what’s going on in their life behind the scenes. If all you saw was my public persona, you’d probably be impressed as well.
2: we compare our accomplishments, not to a baseline, but to what we dreamed. We dream big, so everything we accomplish seems small. But if you look back to where you started – it’s actually huge.
How to fix this – NOT A CLUE!!!
For what it’s worth – I look up to you as a person who accomplishes a lot. Just by being honest, you improve life for SO MANY of us.
Nope, not just you. I am convinced that everyone feels this way, they just don’t say anything about it so everyone thinks they are alone.
Megan is right. EVERYONE is faking it. They talk a good game. Comparing yourself to the people whose lives you’re not personally experiencing will perpetually make you feel inadequate. And you wanna know why? You only see what they want you to see.
Fuck ’em.
I feel like a complete fraud even saying any of this, given that I have the very same thoughts as you, but it’s one thing I KNOW to be true academically even if I don’t believe it most of the time. I can’t say what thoughts or ideas might make you (or me) feel more accomplished or successful, but I can say that crawling into bed with a loved one and watching a show (sorry–I kinda hate LHotP) is a lot more fun than giving a crap about other PTA moms. Do more of that. Hailey will thank you for it.
I thought it was normal to feel like this…
I suffer from the same problems as you. DBT helped me a lot and I moved back to a place they don’t have a group so I am missing it. Those vampires in your head are just that: Make believe monsters that when you were a kid you thought were under the bed. Hard as it is, stab those bastards in the heart with a stake. You have done so many marvelous things. Hang onto one that makes you happy when you are having a crappy day. If you have to, lay in bed and think about that one thought for hours, if need be! I may have a few days a month I feel great, usually at work, interestingly, because I feel more in control there. When I come home to the boxes and the dust bunnies and the OCD crap I have collected over the billions of years I have been alive I feel powerless. I work at it slowly, getting the kids and the husband to do shit they don’t want to do. I fail often. Many nights I come home so tired from work and my kids need all my attention and my husband is at school nights these days and I just want to scream. You are so not alone. And, for the record, I really appreciate your posts. This one in particular, that you were honest and open about the mental illness angle, really struck me. It is hard to be there. Those shiny pretty people at the parent meetings? Don’t buy it. They all have problems, too. Hang in there, I think with the issues you are fighting, you are doing an outstanding job. Love and hugs, Lisa
You need to stop comparing yourself to posts that people make. It isn’t the whole picture of them or their lives just as your blog isn’t a full picture of you and your life. They post the good things. The things that are fabulous. the funny things. The days that suck and the projects that failed… not so much.
Quite often when I start a new project that is outside my comfort zone, I think I’m gonna fuck it up. That if I don’t even cut into that special fabric, knit that beautiful yarn, whatever… that it can be anything. That I won’t waste it fucking it up. And it gets put away. And then I buy more less special materials for less ambitious projects. The special projects get put off and very often don’t get made.
Oh, and yesterday I told someone that I was awesome. Today, not feeling it so much.
So this is my third comment in a row and you are totally going to think I’m a stalker, BUT…
I just wanted to add that Facebook, Pinterest etc…these are lies also. I mean, NOBODY posts pictures of the homework they didn’t help their kid with. Nobody posts pictures of the dust pile in the corner of the dining room (ahem). No one posts pictures of themselves sobbing as they sign divorce papers. It’s just the nature of social media…or even our own photo albums, really. My life isn’t nearly as fabulous as it may look on Facebook.
There have been studies about how Facebook actually diminishes people’s happiness. You can google that and you will see a bunch of reports about it with titles like “Study: Facebook Use Predicts Decline In Happiness”.
Just another example of what a lie it is to compare ourselves to others.
Wow. I’m not going to go through all 1,946 comments – I don’t have that much time. I imagine you don’t either. If you get through to my comment, then I’m incredibly impressed with your accomplishment for the day.
I would just like to preface this by saying I do not have anxiety, nor do I suffer from depression, and I feel the way you do practically all the time. Right now, I have laundry that needs to be done, a sink full of dirty dishes and a carpet that looks gray because I haven’t vacuumed the fur from my very sheddy black dog and white dog. However, I know it is not going to get done. Maybe it will get done this weekend, but probably it won’t. Then, I will get angry at myself for having pissed away another potentially productive weekend by doing…what? What did I do? I’ll have nothing to show for it come Monday morning. Well, come any morning, actually. I constantly feel like I am treading water and I never make any strides towards being productive. I long for a solid week off from work (which I haven’t had in four years) in which to magically accomplish everything. But who am I kidding? I would piss that time away too, and then I’d feel really bad right before I have to go back to work.
So, to sum it all up. No one has all their shit together. NO ONE. Everyone has something they need to work on, or feel they need to accomplish in order to feel whole. Successful. Complete. I’m not telling you this to make you feel more depressed, honestly. I’m just letting you know that you are not alone. Far from it, sister. Far from it.
And one thing that I did years ago, that I will never regret doing – is that I learned how to accept a compliment. By struggling with the voice inside that wanted to say, “No, you lie! How can you possibly think I look good in this outfit? What is wrong with YOU?” and instead just said, “Why, thank you.” It was the best acting job I’ve ever pulled off. And eventually it got easier to say it to the compliment-giver.
I think this might be a generational thing, too. I don’t remember hearing about my parents or my grandparents saying they felt like this. Maybe they did and didn’t talk about it? Or maybe modern technology has freed up our time so much that the time that was once spent doing time-consuming chores is now spent doing more leisurely activities, and we are feeling like we all do because we need to be exerting ourselves physically in order to feel productive? I don’t know.
It’s not just you.
What I hate the most is when I’m having a good day, and someone says something–it can be anything, really–and suddenly I am convinced that I have fucked up my entire life and am completely worthless.
I don’t think I even know what percentage of days are good and what percentage are bad, because when I am having a bad day, it feels like it’s always been that day, and the good days were just a delusion.
But then, I have a good day, and nothing happens to shatter it, and I know that I’ll make it through the bad days, even when it feels too much to bear.
You aren’t alone, but honestly, I think about 90% of the people here don’t really get it, even though they may say it’s not just you. I’m 31 and have accomplished jack shit. Days a month I feel successful? Hardly. I’m lucky if I have a couple of good days a *year.* And this is my happy place.
Not to be flippant at all, but I personally think that if I haven’t kicked the cat or set the dog on fire, I’m doing okay! I have struggled with depressive episodes in the past, and what helped me was finding a mantra that resonated….my mantra used to be: I ain’t so big, I ain’t so bad, I ain’t so ugly…..and now, I’ve gotten a bit more optimistic and say: You’re doin’ okay….you’ve got a house, a job, and people who would care if you were dead. (yeah, I’m working a broken soul here, but you get the idea I’m sure!) Chin up lil’ bucky-it will get better, and GOSH DARNITPEOPLELIKEYOU!
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? Honestly, maybe once a month.
What makes you feel the worst? Being constantly surrounded by Japanese Stepford Wives
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful? Still trying to figure that one out.
I have lived in Japan for ten years, felt pretty successful in navigating around the culture but now that my son has start grade school and the stress of it has really brought me down the past year and a half. Most times I find myself hiding at home, avoiding the many responsibilities required of Japanese mothers. Lots of required “volunteer” work as well as weekly non-mandatory meetings that everyone says you must do anyway. The few time I have felt good about myself was to get away from the Stepford wives and find my Japanese friends who think and act more like I do. An hour or so with them and I feel somewhat normal and happy. . .but then back to the circle in hell where my daily life is spent with the Stepford Wives and I find my self hiding again from them.
I guess, what I am trying to say is that I force myself to get out and be with people I am more comfortable to be around, where I feel good being myself and am accepted for who I am.
I do not know if this will work but I found the following advice for expats who suffer from depression. Keep a journal everyday, Every morning write down three things that you look forward to and in the evening write down three new things that you are grateful for. It has been hard to think of three things to write every morning and night. . .harder still to do it everyday but when I do, in the evening looking at them makes be a bit happier.
Honestly, you are doing okay. Some days are just shit and all one can do is brush ones teeth. Some days? Not even that much. Therapy worked for me, but it was cognitive therapy. What is that anyway? Being forced to confront the things that freak one out? Being forced to relive the trauma? Better to practice comforting oneself; the child you and the current you.
Anyway. I feel your pain. Read that with Bill Clinton’s voice. You’ll laugh. I feel as if I did my best work 20 years ago and I am not creative worth a damn anymore. But I still try, for some reason.
Jenny, I must reiterate all that has been repeated here–we’re all trying to keep it together and some days it is easier than others. Life is Very Very hard and your daughter matters most. Keep loving her as best you can. Compare yourself to No One, you are the best you can be on any given day and that’s what the world will get from you. From all of us. Our best on that day. You are loved by thousands-look at all the fugging comments….
You Rock, Girl.
Getting shit done doesn’t make me feel more successful, but less anxious, allowing me a clearer mind & “more oxygen” to approach life. Over time this can contribute to a feeling of success AKA having one’s shit together.
I’m talking about the little things like the dusty unpacked boxes that weigh heavily in their unfinished-ness. It might sound lame & incredibly basic, but just start with one simple task per day & tick it off. One box per day – empty it. Find homes for everything or recycle or discard them. You will feel so much lighter and each day you accomplish one seemingly mundane task the better it gets. Then you have room in your mind to think about bigger things like parenting & career.
No-one truly has all their shit together – promise! Including the loathsome shiny people. And most women and some men feel like total frauds. Lately I’ve been reading over my CV (not for fun, for job hunting) and realize everything on there is true. I did those things. They really happened. How much of an imposter am I REALLY? I may not be the best or a genius but I have done some good shit. You, My Dear have done some very good shit. None of it is made up. Perhaps a regular review of the facts regarding your accomplishments would be helpful?
*HUGS* You are not alone. I was relaxed, and happy in my shorts and tshirt yesterday. Then I had to go to the nursery school mandatory open house night. I met those people last year, when my toddler was in 1 day a week. They looked down their noses at me, as I scurried in, having helped at my older daughter’s school for a bit, or was tackling Mt. Laundrymore. I threw on a nice pair of slacks, a pretty paisley blouse, and my saddle shoes. Saddle shoes rock! Those women still looked down their noses at me. What made my evening was that I saw, as I was leaving, a potential friend – dressed in capris and a tshirt. Hopefully I will see her again. The other thing that made my evening was one of the first grade teachers from the elementary school – a woman who had seen me with a teething, drooling, runny-nosed toddler on my back as I have trudged down the hall delivering books to classrooms in a tshirt and a pair of sweats, while my kid wipes her nose on my shirt and chews on the collar. She made a point to come up to me and tell me she hoped our girls were in the same class. Turns out, they aren’t, but she told me she’s hoping to see me at future functions. Sometimes, when you’re feeling totally down, something like that can make you feel better. If not, there is always chocolate!
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
Honestly, I’ve never dared to count, because the answer would probably make me more miserable than ever
What makes you feel the worst?
Thinking about all the things I haven’t done, or the things I should have done, or the things I wished I’d done
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Even if I shout out loud that I don’t believe in making lists, etc, I make a mental list of things and chores that needs to be done each and every day. Someone wise once told me to not focus on the things that haven’t gotten done, or haven’t been accomplished and instead focus on the things I have actually gotten done and accomplished. It actually do help, but it isn’t easy – or at least it isn’t easy for me. I have practiced and am slowly getting better at it.
PS! If that doesn’t help, you can practice viewing yourself as you would view a person with the exact same issues and health problems as you. I bet you would shower compliments at that person for merely surviving the day, let alone getting stuff accomplished. You would be in absolute awe if that person had enough energy to show love and care for her daughter. Then go look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself these things out loud. (put on loud music if needed, so nobody else hears you). Tell them and mean it. Tell it because you deserve it, because, Lady, you do!
PPS! Don’t mess with your meds too much. I hear that can wreak havoc on your system more than you’d think possible
I think you are lucky to feel useful for those 3-4 days. Even on days where I have multiple people assure me that I kick ass, and I have people telling me that they love working with me and how good I am at what I do, I feel useless. I feel like I just floundered my way through. I also wait for the day they all find out that I really have no clue what I am doing. How do I make myself feel better? I read your blog. Seriously, I am finally getting on the right path and getting the help I need because of you. You have proven to me that I really am not alone, and that I can overcome this. So when you think you are nothing, remember how important you were to me and all of your readers, and how you have saved so many lives just by being yourself.
I meant to say that it *wasn’t* cognitive therapy. I’m such a dumbass.
Yep. Me too. I’m lucky if I feel productive an hour or two at work a day.
I had a good conversation with a boss once who told me that we should think of days on a bell curve. Most days are just in the middle, kind of chugging along. Some days are on the tail end of suckage and some days are on the tail end of awesome. That helps me when I feel like I’m not being the best I can/accomplishing as much as I should/being a nicer wife who cares about icky chores. A few days I’m awesome, a few days I’m crumby, and most of the time I’m just doing what I can to keep chugging.
You’ve got nearly 2K comments that probably say the same thing, but: it’s not just you. I think 3-4 days a month are pretty much where everyone I’ve ever known is at…whether or not they dealt with mental illness. The single most capable, most organized person I know would tell you the same thing–I know, because she’s told me enough times!
Is it time to up or switch the meds? Maybe. Or maybe it’s time to figure out how to let this particular hangup go. Hell, maybe it’s both. Been there, done that,…I’m *sure* I got the Tshirt, it’s probably just in a pile here somewhere… 🙂
Hang in there. You’re not alone, not by a long shot.
I’m 18, and I have a couple mental health issues too, though not serious enough to require medication or super immediate help, but bad enough to have a negative impact on my life. I forget to shower or eat, and I hide away and hate myself to not being as successful as other people sometimes, and for being to scared to try. I recently came out of a bad depression spell that lasted about a month where once the highlight of my week was making myself a plate of scrambled eggs. I even developed an irrational terror of going to sleep for fear that I would think bad things and do something to hurt myself if I let my mind be quiet, but that was gone the next day. I felt pathetic, not relieved. I’m better now, at least for the moment, so I’m writing to let you know that I can almost understand how you feel, even on a smaller scale. I look up to you because of your humor, and I love those positive sides of life that you write about sometimes. I’m thrilled to see someone who has problems that are similar to mine, who is an adult with a successful blog and enough money to buy crazy taxidermy animals online and has a family that loves her and accepts her crazy ways. It gives me hope that I’ll be an adult with her own bizarre contributions to life one day, even if I’m not completely “better” by then.
To answer you question about days a month, I am the same as you. Maybe as many as six days a month, but that’s it.
I often feel like a failure. I stay at home with my two girls. I homeschool, but if I am truly honest, I don’t do everything I should with my six year old. She’s learning, but I keep thinking “oh, if I just worked a little bit harder on this, she would be leaps and bounds better.” Sometimes I consider putting her in school, but then I feel like a total ass and a failure, and I truly do not like the schools in my area at all.
My house is a fucking wreck. It’s too small, or we have too much shit, or both. My cats have to pee on my laundry to remind me to clean out the litter box sometimes. Our house is NEVER dusted. Never. My first daughter was born in June 07, and my mom came over to help with my early labor. She mopped my floor to help out. The next time it got mopped was when she came back in March 09 with my second daughter’s labor.
I don’t think I’m entirely normal, but I’m too chicken shit to see a psychiatrist. I’m pretty sure I have ADD. Maybe depression, too, but that seems to fluctuate in severity.
I often feel like a failure as a wife and mother, but I keep plugging along, trying to do better. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I lay in my bed and watch 10 episodes of Psych on Netflix.
Now, I’m going to go back and read some of the 2,000 comments and see how normal or not I am.
And next week maybe I’ll call a psychiatrist and make an appointment.
Dear Jenny,
I think the number of comments on your post is a testament to your value as a person, but compliments don’t seem to be what you’re looking for, so I won’t blow sunshine up your skirt. When I was getting divorced and was forced to stay in my ex-husband’s house until the courts decided placement so it didn’t appear like I was abandoning my children, even at great personal risk to myself, I would fall into bed at night and wonder if life was worth living. Then a little voice inside me asked, “Did you do your best today?” Jenny, if your best on any given day is only 50%, or 25%, or even just 1%, it’s still your best. OK? Just do your best…even if in someone else’s opinion, including your critical voices, it’s not good enough, it’s still YOUR best. God bless you and yours, Jenny, and thanks for the laughter and happiness your blog brings into a lot of people’s lives. Thanks for sharing. Your best is pretty damn awesome!
-Christine
A lot of the emotions and thought patterns you expressed were very familiar to me, but they mostly define a bad hour, or a bad evening, rather than an entire day- so probably 3-8 hours of feeling abject failure and crushing self-doubt a month. Except for late February/March, a time period that reliably leads to feeling exhausted and uninspired, which leads to doing the bare minimum to get by, which leads to feeling like a wimp and a failure.
I rely a lot on my job/school (I’m a grad student in basic science, so working in lab is both an education and my job) for feeling successful and valuable, since progress is fairly concrete in that sphere- I can make a list of daily, weekly, and semester-long goals, and then check them off as they are accomplished or revised. I can see how working in a less structured environment, in a job with more nebulous markers for progress could lead to more doubt. Outside of work, I rely on hobbies that result in visible, tangible progress- I am a knitter, spinner (of yarn), weaver and cook; if I am “just” reading or watching Dr. Who, I feel anxious and start obsessing about everything I’m not doing, but if I knit at the same time, it’s like I’m allowed to relax. When it gets really bad, I make a list of 3 good things, 3 bad things and 3 “neutral” things that happened each day, so that I don’t just focus on the bad things. And all that said with the caveat that I am a baby, only 23, with minimal responsibility outside of work beyond keeping myself (and the cat) alive. I hope the 1963 comments are helping. I certainly find it reassuring to see that the feelings and voices in my head are not exclusive to me- there is not a magic moment when people suddenly cruise through all the grown up bills/appointments/housekeeping without effort.
Definitely not alone in this. You can’t compare yourself to people on Pinterest or blogs or whatever. Most of those people only share what they want you to see. There is no way to know for sure the real, messy, disorganized parts of their lives.
Hardly ever do I feel good about what I’ve done in a day. Maybe a few days a month. Most of the time I feel like I’m treading water and my legs are tired and don’t want to anymore. Going to my weekly therapy appts really helped but I don’t go anymore and I really should but can’t make myself go back. I wanna quit my job daily cause it seems no matter what I do people find something I didn’t do right. I just want someone to come home to everyday that loves me for me. I just wanna be fucking happy, tell someone everything, not feel like it would be easier to just not be, not be afraid to be “crazy” and get help. I have no clue if I said what was asked.
You said it perfectly: “This is just normal and people just don’t talk about it.”
I’m still putting off grad school and working a silly receptionist job. I don’t make a lot of money and unless I’m writing a rent check (once a month) or paying for my car insurance (usually that same week/day), I don’t really feel like an adult. My roommate even takes care of some of the major “adult” bills (electricity) and we have been living without any kind of internet in our apartment for OVER A YEAR. I mean, talk about lazy and unproductive.
I hope you are feeling better because just skimming down the Almost 2000 Comments here, I see that almost everyone has something to say like I do. It really is just a whole lot of fakery. We should all be actors. Ha!
P.S. Thanks for the twitter follow! I retweeted it and instagrammed it like a crazy stalker and THAT was the highlight of that day for me haha
I think everyone feels like the other person has their crap together. I don’t think anyone really and truly looks at themselves in the mirror and believes they are the shit. Life in general is an accomplishment. Daily life is sprinkled with f’ups and roadblocks. I think being successful is redefined everyday. Today I was successful not because I did the laundry but b/c I put it away. It still counts even if it’s just part of the greater whole. Tomorrow might be successful if I submit my work on time. One is not MORE important than the other. Turning in my office work doesn’t make me any better of a person, but my kid having clothes to wear makes me a rockstar! It depends on how you gauge success.
Degree – yes, career at one time yes. Been a stay at home mom for 16 years and no one will even call me back for an interview. I am filled with self doubt. And when they ask me what I did today, I colored my hair and rescued four baby squirrels. My life is just strange–pass me the bottle.
In the prime of my life, I had 1 or 2 good, productive days a week. In 2008, I had 4 “good days” all year. I’m working very, very hard on Getting.My.Shit.Together. and have clawed my way all the way up to 2 “good days” a month, give or take.
People who have impeccable Hair/Kitchens/Fashion Sense/Pinterest pages/Blogs showing them doing something amazing all the time/Whatever are just good at displaying the highlights while shoving the failures behind the sofa or into a closet. They’ve learned how to market themselves, that’s all. Chances are, the PTA Moms that you hold up as examples are actually very bad at other things, and are using the PTA as a way to have something they can point at and say “Look, I have this and I’m good at it! That makes up for everything else!” (Or they’re using it as a way to hide that they don’t actually like their kids very much.)
I think at least half the population of first world countries feel the same way about not being productive. I certainly do. I’m in my 30’s, divorced and on disability because of anxiety and depression and can’t afford to live on my own, so I live with my parents and have nothing but a car and a cell phone. I have no savings and no uterus. I have no kids and never can and it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted out of life. Ever. Since I was four. I don’t really get depressed anymore, but sometimes wonder what the purpose of my life is, because I refuse to believe it’s only to help my friends out with their kids, which is what I do because there is nothing else for me to do. I’d like to move to a better climate, but can’t see how that’s going to happen. I’d like to get married again, but don’t see that happening either because I don’t meet new people and I refuse to try internet dating again. I don’t see my life ever changing, but I still wake up every morning – or afternoon. Sometimes I wonder if I’m stunted socially because I don’t work and would rather stay at home, but I don’t think that I am. On occasion, when I see how people my own age or friends are doing with their lives and they seem to be so accomplished and I’m not, I figure if some one thinks anything less of me than the truly kick-ass person I am, they can suck it!
I started a blog about houses because I was too terrified to write about anything deeper. I was afraid to open the floodgates and afraid of the judgements and afraid, afraid, afraid. Reading your raw and honest words always inspires me to share a little more of myself. Your words remind us that we are not alone. I wish our words could inspire you right back. You inspire us not to judge our insides by other people’s outsides.
I have about 8-10 days a month that I feel like I’m on top of things. The other days, I fake it until I make it.
Sending you big love and gratitude.
If you ever get around to reading all these, I think you’ll find a common thread. NO ONE has it figured out. We plod along, trying to get it “right” but what’s right? Too much emphasis is placed on what a “good” mom does. Do what makes you happy and don’t sweat it. I love that you recognize your depression and still manage to be so damn funny you can make people laugh so hard they pee. That’s your gift. As for the other stuff, NO…NO ONE is perfect. It’s all a game. Played better by some than others. Sorry you’re in a rough spot but you have a special little place in all of these people’s hearts. And a good day is when everyone is still alive and made it to and from school and work. And no one got maimed. 🙂
I read your posts religiously, but I never reply. However, this post made me see too much of what I can see in myself when I’m on the downswing, and your plea for answers compelled me to speak up. So, here I go, real talk and tough love.
I think you have a very warped impression of other people’s lives. I realize you don’t feel like you have the energy to go to PTA meetings, but honestly, being there makes you see just how fucked everybody is, so not being there is probably leaving you with a bit of a distorted idea of what’s going on elsewhere. Also, I’m a teacher, so I see even more of what goes on in families these days, and it’s not the 50s. So, and I mean this in the most loving way possible, quit trying to judge yourself by what you made up about the rest of the world.
As a matter of fact, quit trying to judge yourself period. Are these things you’re berating yourself with things you really want, or things you feel like you SHOULD want based on your image of the world (that one we already dismissed in the last paragraph)? You’ve already pointed out you spend time with your daughter and help her with her homework, regardless of when it gets done. That’s more than a lot of kids get. You say you have writer’s block, but I haven’t noticed any huge drought in your posting. Your last book was largely rehashed from your blog, so why wouldn’t you expect it to take a while to build up enough stories to go again? Don’t waste so much energy thinking about something arbitrary that you didn’t do when you could be using for something else that really is important to you.
The bottom line is… You’re normal. Mental illness and all, you’re struggling through a not-exactly-charmed life just like the rest of us. At the end of the day, you existed, and you existed for your daughter, and that’s what life is. You don’t have a parade of gratified accomplishment more than a few days a month (or even a year) unless you’re paying someone to throw the confetti.
And for what it’s worth, getting a second opinion on your therapy and medication might not hurt. After all this time, the thing I would most love to see you post is how you made it through something as Jenny who is funny and kind (and BTW has some issues with mental illness) instead of Jenny the mentally ill person.
It’s not just you…it’s most people…if not all of them. And the ones who say they don’t feel this way are LYING.
Busy-ness is over-rated…our society likes to make us think otherwise…marketing ploy? Someone trying to make me feel bad because inside THEY actually feel worse?…probably… I don’t know…but I do believe this quote.
Every one puts there best foot forward…in person, on facebook, on pinterest…we all seem to do it…how can we compare our imperfect back side to their “pastel” front side? We don’t always see what goes on behind closed doors…if everyone put all of their problems into one big pot, we’d all pick our OWN problems back out and be shocked at what others really are feeling and dealing with.
You are too hard on yourself…how about I say this to you and you say this to me but neither one of us will really believe it because we just aren’t programmed to accept positives as humans 🙂 Deal?
Monica
I feel that way pretty often as a SAHM, and I figure it’s pretty normal. I think 22-yr-old me would be very disappointed. But screw her, what does she know?
1999 comments all saying the same thing, what more can I add?
Even if you do have it “together” you really don’t. Life is an infinitely changeable illusion, just hold on and take a breath then follow it with another. Find the space between this breath and the next and know that is what life truly is.
Cheers
What you’re feeling is normal. And I think our social networking world is making it worse. It reminds me of how my mom was when I was growing up. She had an uber-shitty childhood — abuse in all flavors, lived in a broken-down trailer, had an unloving mother and abusive step-father. Everything she knew about ‘happy families’ she got from TV or from observing people in her town. Guess what? No one shows their shitty parts in public! So she made herself (and sometimes us) miserable trying to achieve what she THOUGHT happy families were like. And you know what? We were totally fine! It was her trying to achieve what she believed others had that made us all miserable. She tortured herself trying to make a clean home, and to this day I hear how ‘behind’ she is. How can you be ‘behind’ in your own life? I decided at a pretty young age that I wasn’t going to let how OTHER people looked or did things affect my assessment of my life. And I am crazy happy b/c of that. My house is disgusting, I only bathed my kid 2x all summer, and I wouldn’t go to a PTA meeting unless there was a gun to my head. I don’t have 1 ounce of guilt about it. I’ve built the life I want and I’m happy in it. And I know that those moms who attend PTA, have clean houses and clean children have shit that they are embarrassed about or wish they did better. There may even be someone who envies something about my life; I guarantee that there are people who envy you and your life. So what I guess I’m saying is the way you feel is normal — I think everyone goes there in their heads. We only ever see the shiny outsides of people’s lives. Everyone has some kind of shit they’re dealing with, and we rarely get to know what that shit is. I think if you remind yourself that the shit is there it can make you feel less bad about your shit. I also think that life isn’t a contest we’re trying to win. I think as long as the people in your life feel your love, you’re doing an excellent job at living. Everything else is just frosting — pretty to look at, nice to experience, but not all that important.
All those people with perfect lives? They’re faking it too. They have a bunch of bills that they can’t pay, they absolutely hate their jobs, and they stare in the mirror hating the ravages of time when it’s the age and experience that has allowed them to have what they have. If you’re honest, if you are loyal and steadfast to your family, you try not to cheat or steal from others…that’s enough to be called a success. But note that I said nothing about arson–burn the motherfucker down if you feel the urge.
“They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last.” Heh, oh yes we do. I realize that my comment is nearly number 2,000, so the odds you actually get down to reading this are slim. But I want to say something that I hope will validate your feelings and alleviate your fears.
PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY ALL THE TIME! Even people without any mental illnesses. We are so much better at recognizing and treating mental illness these days. Furthermore we’re getting better at removing the stigma associated with mental diseases. It’s not gone, but we’re getting better. So when people say ‘oh yes I suffer from these fears, but it’s probably just because I have mental illness(es) and that’s why.’ They’re falling back on a qualifier that’s not really needed. Everybody feels that way; mental illness or not.
I will be 29 in 5 days, and I don’t have a ‘real’ job in my chosen career field. I got 80% of they way to finishing my certifications and then spent the next two years dicking around and not working on it. Even now that I’m working on it I’m crawling along at a snail’s pace. Why? No fucking clue. So I’m working in a restaurant, the usual fallback job. I have no mental illnesses to blame it on, just regular general lack of awesomeness.
I don’t really feel successful most days. In contrast I probably have 3-4 days a month where I feel like a total failure. These rest of the time I figure well I could be doing better but I guess I could be doing worse. Then I say fuck it and cuddle the cats.
The whole world, media, PTA, whoever perpetuates this stereotype of ‘normal, successful adulthood’ but it’s a total sham. I look at it this way; Leave it to Beaver wasn’t indicative of what real families were like. The same way that this notion of normalness isn’t realistic for today.
So please, do what you do to feel happy, comfortable and safe. Don’t beat yourself up trying to measure up to a false standard. Don’t freak out about those unpacked boxes, or your lack of position on the PTA. If you feel like there are things that are holding you back from feeling happy in your space or successful, perhaps you could try applying the UnFuck Your Habbitat (such a fantastic website) techniques of 20/10’s or 45/15’s. Maybe the progress would be measurable and help you to feel positive instead of negative.
Honestly this is where I think far more people are then they care to admit. Struggle and flailing wildly just to stay afloat seems to be par for the course. You are not alone in this. On my bad days putting on pants is enough of an accomplishment. I haven’t met a single person who was being honest that didnt feel like a fraud. Humaning is hard. And sometimes it sucks. And then sometimes it doesn’t. This is rambling. You aren’t alone and you are fantastic. Thank you for sharing this and making these societal stigmatized admissions of emotion and personal struggles accessible and available. There needs to be more light shone on these feelings and how common it truly is.
How many days a month? Maybe 4…. maybe 3.
What makes me feel worse? All those fake people who don’t acknowledge life isn’t one big happy joyride. All those Stepford moms who pretend so hard their lives are much more perfect than my very on display imperfect life.
What makes me feel better? My two kids who have seen me when I’m down and loved me anyway. Hanging out with them – they can always get me to laugh. Not to mention the two bum cats who laze around and are pretty darn good at recognizing my sad and coming to cuddle.
Jenny – just as you are is good enough. Getting through the days with the stuff you’re handling is sometimes what you need to celebrate. But find a thing to celebrate – even if it’s just going to the bank. That’s okay.
I admit – I didn’t read all 1967 responses before mine. I imagine I’m being repetitive telling you how awesome you are. Know that.
And know days spent with your kid doing anything are better than days spent hiding from your kid. Always.
I don’t know if I have actual, full days where I’m good. There’s ALWAYS something lacking, no matter the accomplishment.
I’ve got a job I really like . . . but it doesn’t pay a ton of money, so who cares.
I’ve got THREE advanced degrees [BA, MA, JD] . . . but none of them are from Harvard, so who gives a shit.
My kid is fantastic . . . but I feel like I’m failing her because I can’t give her absolutely everything.
It’s not just you. I think there is an issue, for me, of perfectionism and depression that become completely intertwined that I can’t focus on the good thing and just say, “That’s good enough.” I want to be good enough.
Still working on that. I’ll get there. I hope. And not feel like the time it took was wasted.
Thanks for this.
I have to respond. I don’t think I am depressed, and perhaps it is just that I recently turned 45, but I feel this way fairly often. If I look at my life as all the shit I didn’t get done, then I would be catatonic on a daily basis. I am a teacher, and every year we get more to do with no more time to do it in. 50 % of my job performance rating now rests on how my students test on one day of the year. They are puking and can’t breath so screw up the test…oh well. I could wallow in the frustration this engenders, but instead I try to focus on the little wins. Like the fourth grader that gazed into my eyes yesterday to say “I hate to tell you this Ms. Larson, but in 4 years I will be an 8th grader and then I will be leaving this school. You won’t be able to teach me then, unless you can come to high school with me? ” That kid is a total win….last year he was throwing furniture across my room and using expletives under his breath, now he makes it through 90% of his classes without having to come have a time out with me. I suck at cleaning my house, doing laundry, making it home at a normal time of day, being a wife, but I kick ass at making it through to kids like him. So, I go to work, I try to be a little bit better teacher every year, and I pray my own children and my husband understand my need to care for my 100+ urban 3rd and 4th graders because of my calling. It works for me…..and my husband hasn’t divorced me yet. 😉
I’m productive at work (though I’m never sure I’m really getting anything done, you know) but some days it’s all I can do to make it through to bedtime. And I think I’m finally beginning to learn that some days it’s okay to just survive. Some days – hell, some weeks – it’s okay to just make it through and count it a success that the sun came up and I got out of bed.
I started reading through the comments and then realized they went on for bazillionty-seven pages… anyway, this is the first time I’ve commented on one of your posts but oh, Jenny, it is NOT just you.
One of the previous comments that I did get to said that we judge ourselves by our behind-the-scenes but everyone else by their highlight reel. It made me think that yeah, actually, my highlight reel might look pretty good to someone else (graduate degree, job in my chosen career field, supportive boyfriend, fulfilling hobbies…) but the truth is I STILL feel exactly like you describe most of the time. I feel like any day now my boss is going to realize how terrible I am at my job and fire me, my boyfriend is going to realize I’m insecure and not very pretty and dump me, etc. Another previous commenter talked about how the big secret seems to be that *all* adults are really just making shit up as they go along, and I’m slowly learning that that’s the truth. We all just have to take it one day at a time and keep our shit as together as we can.
Honestly, my average success days per month are skewed right now because I’ve had a good past month. But if I don’t have to leave the house, I often don’t get dressed or take a shower until around dinner time. If I do get dressed earlier, it’s always in sweats or other comfy clothes. There’s a ton of crap around the house that I need to take care of, but I just end up doing stuff online or watching TV. I spend way too much time reading random stuff.
There’s been maybe 4 or 5 days in the past month where I didn’t internally beat myself up for screwing something up or for making something more difficult for my significant other. And oh man…the guilt I have randomly right now for costing him money as I finish up college and don’t work because I’m too mentally fractured to handle a job on top of classes…it’s not even funny.
The upside is that I’ve been handling my depression and anxiety better. Yeah, I’m not getting much done, but I’m feeling a lot more content than I have for a long time. I still have anxiety attacks about things when I’m out, but thankfully my support system is usually next to me, so we manage. I’m stretching a bit and dabbling in more creative stuff, which is nice. I don’t think I’m great at being a person yet, but I also think that we all have different paces for being a person. And the shiny happy people you see everywhere? They’re just not as open and honest about their stress and worries and the dark sides of their lives as you are. And I know several people that cope with stress by doing things that make them seem perfect. (Which drives me batty.) We’re all faking it somehow.
I am 59. I was always that Mom. I wore pajamas to drive the kids to school, my hair a wild mess. I fed them pizza for breakfast sometimes. I lost, forgot, threw out the paperwork. I was loser Mom and I had and still have depression (meds are good) and anxiety.
The only thing that has let me face tomorrow is finding the one thing that was right with the day. Sometimes that is so hard. But my kids are going and have pretty good lives so maybe I wasn’t that bad of a mom. And today there was a rainbow. So don’t be so hard on yourself. At least try.
Sistah, you are not alone, I’m not what I’d consider depressed at all, I don’t take meds for depression, ADD or anxiety. I feel like I’m the laziest person in the world. I just finished washing dishes for 25 minutes because I put it off for two days and I LIVE ALONE 🙂
I work from home and only shower if I have to, LOL. My house is a mess and I never put anything away. Then I feel horrible and guilty for being such a slacker and then go on a spree and clean and shower and blah blah and then am exhausted for a few days. I’m super proud when I finally make it to the post office or pay a bad debt that I’ve had for 8 years. My motto is ignore and put off til you are in big trouble and then do it. I’m always impressed by those on FB who get shit done. But I live a good but lonely life, I love my animals, I love the outdoors and I get that little bit of happiness when and wear I can and I drink too much 😀
Good for you for being open and brutally honest (you usually are).
Yep, sounds familiar. For me, I feel like I can only be really good at one area of my life. When I’m good at my job, I can’t manage to eat anything that’s good for me or work out at all. If I’m eating healthy and working out, I’m not getting my shit done at work. I live alone now, but when I had roommates, I felt like a terrible roommate. I can’t seem to clean anything on a regular basis or take my dog for a walk even occasionally or get the most basic errands done.
I think everyone feels this way at least some of the time, we’ve just gotten really good at hiding it. We put all of our highlights on the internet and humblebrag to our friends, but we don’t really tell anybody how hard life actually is. We may admit to struggling in one area, but I think we mostly just do that so that we don’t look like arrogant assholes.
Therapy helped me deal with issues of shame A LOT. I feel a lot better now about not being good at everything – I am human and I am allowed to make mistakes. Also, spending my day teaching teenagers helps, because no matter how screwed up my life seems, at least I’m not a high school student anymore 🙂
I read like 200+ response and have to agree.
I feel like a fraud much of the time. I put up a pretty confident front and then something happens at my job and I lose the job.(often not really my fault) This has happened to me 4 times now. And these were the big jobs where I spent the time to get that Masters degree for. Most of my friends think I have it together. Nope.
I spent 6 months of 2012 packing up and moving 500 miles in the hopes of finding a new job for me and less stress for my husband. I pulled it off with a LOT of help. Those friends who showed up to help are the best I’ve ever had. It took 4 more months here to finally find a job and it doesn’t pay much, but it is a step in the right direction.
I have spent months feeling like I just couldn’t get it together at all.
I had a few years of depression and therapy and drugs. I’m down to just stuff to help me sleep- which doesn’t work when the dog wakes you at 2 am to go out. I watched a TED video recently on the feeling like a fraud and their motto was – “Fake it till you Make it”. Sooner or later – you might be good at what you thought you could not do.
Kudos to you for getting that first book done. That is a serious accomplishment.
I think this means you are normal 28 days out of the month and supergirl the other 2-3. The universe clearly grades on a sliding scale. We’re all riding our own unicycles while juggling cats–some real and some metaphorical. Just keep being who you are. You’re fine. You’re better than fine. You’re the just right Jenny Lawson.
Yeah, 3-4 days a month sounds about right. Actually, that sounds like a good month. I definitely suffer from Imposter Syndrome too. If so many of us are secretly suffering like this, why have we set up society/our lives this way? Ugh. Thanks for the excellent post!
I think you are more of the norm than you think. I am currently not depressed (thank God) but I have been before. I think a lot of people put up a good front. Especially all those shiny people.
I think it takes a brave person who can look at themselves like you have and realize that you don’t’ necessarily know what you are doing. I think that is human nature. Even for people without depression and anxiety. They just don’t realize it because they are not tuned into themselves. They are all about the outside world.
Sometimes I feel like such a failure and I will mention something about it to my hubby, and he will give me this incredulous look. and when I say what’s that look for. He will tell me to give myself a break. He will ask did you do your best? if I say yes, then he says then that is good enough for today.
I have really learned this lesson from him after 20 years together and I am not so hard on myself anymore and I find that I am much more at peace with myself. And on those days I didn’t do my best, well that is okay too. Tomorrow is another day.
Please realize you are not alone and no one, I MEAN NO ONE, really knows what the hell they are doing. But you can be at peace with that. I hope that you can find that peace.
Have you ever watched Denis Leary’s “No cure for cancer”? He does a riff on happiness the is wonderful. That happiness is something happens occasionally.
I think I feel worthwhile 2 or 3 times a month. It coincides with gatherings I have with friends. I am a quilter and have created a wonder womb of dear friends to share time with. But at home I don’t feel as if I have any real value. I’m almost 60 and my life has pretty much been fucked up since I was 9. But as Popeye would say “I am what I am.” Best time of my life was raising my kid. I put him on a good path and he is a teacher putting others on a good path and is a kind and nurturing person. Pebbles in the water. I don’t know what I would change if I had the get up and go to do anything different so I observe. I am the narrator of my group and hold the memories for us. I have been shrink, shrank, shrunk and it got me where I am. I’m ok. I do what I can when I can and I know I don’t let people down who need me. Today I was thinking that I didn’t get married to be alone but I am alone 90% of the time.
Of all the things I know for sure I know that no one feels at home in their skin. That’s ok. You are ok. You do what you do and you are also a pebble in the water,making a difference by making us laugh and admitting to be flawed and frightened. We all are but you are self aware enough to put it in print. You have created a safe space for people that wish with all their might that they could soothe your troubles. We would stand, arms linked in a circle around you, but not looking at you. Not crowding you.But your troubles are what make you who you are. You work through them and prove it can be done. Life is tough. Relationships are tough. You are tough. I am lucky to have diversions during the day and I find I fall down a hole if I don’t play music. It lifts me.
I don’t so much review the day when I go to sleep. I think about things I want to do the next day and am either happy or stressed. It’s a crap shoot. And when I wake I usually find one of two songs playing in my head.Jackson Browne’s “the Pretender. “when the morning light comes streaming in, I get up and do it again. Amen” Or whatever that song is that says “my head hurts, my feet stink and I don’t love Jesus”.
Really though, get a hold of the Leary CD.
Take care of yourself.
Look at these comments. If you threw a party and invited these people, they’d have a great time even if you served them stale Goldfish crackers from under the couch cushion. You might miss the fun, hanging out in the bathroom like you do, but you could hear the cacophony of fun.
I have humiliating or embarrassing or toxic events from my past haunt me on my long commute. I try to deflect by imagining an alternate scenario. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not.
You have accomplished a great deal by just reading all this. I have accomplished a lot by scrolling to the bottom of the comments on an iPad.
See if there is a strategy you can use to stop the judging yourself by others’ facades, and stop keeping score. Is this an OCD thing? I don’t know.
I try for moments of happiness.. When I get home before the family, the pets run to greet me, and I get to watch The Big Bang Theory reruns uninterrupted before taking a dish or two out of the dishwasher and boiling some tortellini. Floor is not clean, house very cluttered.
So do your personal best, whatever that might be. Congratulate yourself for doing your best that day, even if you did not put on clean underwear. Lower your standards, put “a moment of contentment” on your success list.
I hope you can back off on badgering yourself, even a little.
I have your book in hardback and Kindle. If you write another one, I’ll buy it. If you stay blocked I’ll keep reading your blog.
Try to think only of your wins for the day, even the smallest thing.
Honestly.. my life has been simply Craptastic. I do not feel like I’m succeeding. I’m stressed out at work, I’m stressed out at home, my personal life is a wreck, and my health is pretty screwed up too. I really wish it would all end some days. I don’t know what to do about a lot of things.
And yeah.. looking around at those “perfect” people who appear to have it together, even when I know they have their share of problems.. well.. it doesn’t help. I feel completely inadequate.
I don’t even know if i can count productive days as a monthly thing. I know the last 3 months pretty much were getting through the day. And I feel like a failure as an academic and a person.
I’m a grad student working on my phd in literature. i constantly undercut what i’ve been able to get done and am waiting to be caught out as a fraud at some point but dont know much that would actually make that the case. I am always behind on my work. My grading is always late. My writing hasn’t met a deadline in years. I’m running out of time to finish my degree. I have been trying to get myself to sit down and just reread my latest draft for 3 weeks and can’t bring myself to do it.
As a person, I keep feeling like I’m a nuissance to others so I don’t reach out to them out of fear that I’ll bother them. I’ve had some serious misadventures in dating and have had only a handful of substantial relationships; none of which have lasted more than a year. And the most recent break-up still knocks me on my ass at least twice a week almost 6 months later. There’s a history of alcoholism in my family and I use alcohol to escape too often.
As far as ways of trying to get better: I’m part of a goal-oriented dissertation support group (maybe something similar for your writing?), i’ve been on anti-depressants for about 2 years but am not sure if the help i have gotten is enough because i don’t know what i’m supposed to be feeling; i see a therapist weekly; I’m trying to stop isolating myself, I’m trying to be more honest with other people especially my family about what’s going on, i’m trying to workout regularly, I’m trying to look at myself as not being a writer or a teacher but someone who writes and who teaches; my identity isn’t my profession and it isn’t who i’m dating. I’m trying to stay dating but am frustrated by it.
You sure as hell aren’t alone.
This tribe has awesome insight and togetherness, with a bunch of good advice. You are definitely not the only one who feels like a fake adult fuck-up. I don’t even get 3 or 4 days a month. I get moments sprinkled throughout life. I try to capture those fleeting moments and tell myself, “hang on to that small triumph”. Invariably, I will immediately fuck up something else. I think us cerebral-types are incredibly hard on ourselves and over-analyze eveything. It doesn’t change that even though I know that fact that I still do it all the fucking time. Hell, I still berate myself mentally for something I said in a job interview 11 years ago every fucking morning when I see that company’s commercial on tv while I’m getting ready for work. Every few months, after a few shots of Crown at 2am with my husband, I promise him I will quit being so self-critical and it helps for awhile. I also have a hobby that is my therapy and I crochet in the evenings and try to convince myself that playing with yarn absolves me of my transgressions for the day and if the curls up on my lap, it melts some of it away too.
Right now my hair is TOTALLY unwashed. As in it’s been 3 days. I’m writing a technical paper (little piece by little piece) but the dogs haven’t had a walk, I had ramen for lunch, I work at home (good and bad as you know), I’m wearing the same work out clothes as yesterday (yet didn’t work out either day), there’s a giant empty cardboard box sitting in my living room from a delivery today, I spend way too much money on clothes shopping online, and I am literally years behind on my work project. Did I mention I don’t even have kids?
My biggest problem is getting overwhelmed with anxiety and paralyzed and hiding in bed watching hulu, surfing the internet, and reading books. Same thing. I’ve learned that my expectations of being “perfect” put me there. I’ve learned to treat myself today like the supportive, loving, parents I should have had. This means that this day today I will completely believe myself to be successful. I wasn’t critical or too hard on myself, and I got some shit done. Not everything, but I’ve learned to focus on my accomplishments and not my failures. 50% success and 50% failure can still be a successful day if you are kind to your self. 95% success and 5% failure can not be if you’re unkind to yourself.
You know how you feel all you are doing is existing? Well, for thousands of years that’s all we were supposed to do! Wake up, make or find some breakfast, wash some clothes, tend the garden, make sure the kids stay alive, make dinner, build a fire so you all don’t freeze, make sure the roof is still intact, go to bed, repeat. Maybe make a new dress or have some sex if you’re feeling fancy. None of this *produce creative things every day* plus exist.
I used to think I was successful maybe 5 days out of the month. And even then I couldn’t feel good about it because all I could think was, “but I still can’t make up those other days when I sucked”. Now I think I am successful 20-25 days out of the month. Because I replaced “perfect” or “got everything done” as my measure of success with “improved”, “made progress”, “was useful”. This also lessened my negative/critical/demanding self-talk and gradually reduced my anxiety so that physiologically/psychologically I was way less paralyzed.
My job is very stressful and very disappointing for a myriad of reasons. That will end in a month (thank god). But writing something out of nothing is very difficult too. I think there’s a reason a lot of writers were alcoholics. And being in a marriage and raising a child? No. easy. tasks. Go easy on yourself, you’re doing some very hard things.
Depression lies. Sounds like it’s doing a lot of lying to you these days. Hang in there, talk to your health care person, and remember that it DOES get better.
I feel like this most of the time. I think your 3-4 days/month average is about right. And I also suspect that almost everyone feels the same way. But it’s a lot worse, I think, for those of us that work at home and so we have very unstructured days. It seems like we should have all this time to do all this stuff, but then it doesn’t get done and that overwhelming sense of failure sets in. We don’t get to come home from somewhere and say “Well, I did that today.” Because we’re always home. I’m always home because I have overwhelming social anxiety, too, but in general, not having a set schedule makes everything very hard. And then when you try to set yourself a schedule? Short route to failure, because you won’t stick to it and then you’ll feel even worse. And then someone helpfully suggests that you join a club or volunteer somewhere or whatever and you want to kill them, because that’s just *one more thing* to deal with in a life that is already making you feel like a failure. Or that’s my response to those suggestions, anyway.
But, here is what I do. (This isn’t a suggestion of what you should do. it’s just what I do.)
I take care of animals. I’m a wildlife rehabilitator, so I take in orphaned and injured wildlife and take care of it until it is ready to go back into the wild again. It enforces structure on my day because the babies *have* to be fed every four hours no matter what. (neonates. older babies, obviously, not so often) I have to do it, no matter what I feel like. Sometimes it’s all I do, all I can manage is to get up, feed and clean, and crawl back into bed, depressed, anxious, despairing. But I do it. And then, weeks or months down the road, I take the animals into the forest and if I’ve done my job right, I let them out of their cages and they scamper off, usually without even a backward glance, going off to live the lives they are supposed to have. I’ll have taught them all the skills they need to survive, they’ll be fit and healthy, and they’ll be on the path they should be on. and in those moments, I have joy. Lots of it. I can’t keep up with the laundry, I can’t remember to brush my hair, I am a huge f-ing failure at this thing we call life… but I can give back a life stolen from an animal and give them a second chance.
So I’m not saying that there is anything at all unusual about only feeling successful or happy 3 or 4 days a month. I think it’s common. But to keep going the rest of the time, I make those days count. and I hold them in my heart and even if I can’t bring up that feeling again, I know that I can feel it again someday.
It’s hard for me to write this in a public space… even anonymously. Intellectually, I know I have accomplished things in my life, but most of the time, I can only *feel* my failures. I think I get about 7 days out of the month where I feel good about myself.
I do a lot of woodworking and even when I finish a really nice box, a bowl or a piece of furniture, my eye is always drawn to the flaws; the place I didn’t sand enough, the drawer that is an 1/8 of an inch off on one side. No one else notices the flaws except me. My friends all say it looks beautiful and I feel like a fraud.
I can’t tell you how to beat it because I am still not sure. But I can tell you one thing with utter certainty: You are not alone.
Keep going and we will all keep showing up here to talk, laugh, commiserate and maybe… just maybe we can all figure this out together.
Okay, so there’s over 2000 posts, but that number alone tells you that you’re not alone out there. Not everyone can be the overachiever mom, and really, who wants to be? Our children will grow up mostly fine in spite of our best (or worst) efforts. Who’s to say what’s normal, anyway? With the growing number of people with mental health issues, maybe being messed up in the head is the new normal. Your success is in the fact that you’ve managed to raise what seems to be a fairly happy daughter, have a pretty successful marriage (no marriages are perfect). You have family and friends who love and support you and accept for the way you are. You’ve created a safe-haven for others with (or without) mental health issues to gather and find support and be accepted for the way they are. I would say, with all the obstacles you have to face every single day, you’re incredibly successful. More so than those who don’t have to battle with physical and mental problems like you do. So, stop being so hard on yourself and start believing what the people who love you know about you: you’re an incredibly powerful successful woman. Maybe, only in your own home, but really, does anything else really count?
I feel like a failure on so many levels.
As a mother, I have a child who has been declared temporarily disabled because “they” do not believe his mental illness is real. He reached out to his father (who left us for another woman) who has no interest in a son he feels is not perfect, whatever that means. I am a daily failure because I am not able to help my child more.
I am a good teacher, but more often than not, I am given the children that have the greatest needs. My children thrive and succeed against all odds, but I feel overwhelmed at times by their needs. I question whether I am making a difference or not.
I am a failure because I truly have lousy taste in men. I divorced a mean one, dated briefly a few afterwards, and finally gave up. My greatest fear when I was young, was that I was going to grow old alone. Looks like I was right.
I’ve failed at the three things I wanted the most: as a mother, teacher, and wife.
Ah Jenny! It’s so easy to compare other people’s outsides to your insides! A while back I started answering the question ‘How are you?’ honestly to people and I realised that we are all falling apart (some more than others) and that people just don’t talk about it. Some people were taken aback, but most people I know were itching to talk about how they actually don’t feel that great and they want to take off that mask.
I get depression based on my hormonal cycle, so there really are only about 6 or 7 days a month that I’m not premenstrual or post-menstrual… I’m doing ok, it’s pretty mild, but sometimes it means that I have no idea how my social interactions look from the outside and then I stress about them – what did I say? did I offend anyone? do they think I’m weird? (of course they do! I am weird) – but when I talk to my friends they say that they don’t notice my depression until I tell them the symptoms and then they can spot it if they look.
I know that this may be different for you, and I can totally see where you are coming from, I just wanted to add that I think most people feel this way – maybe not with the same strength or consistency, but I think it is a very real feeling for most people that I know. You are definitely not alone. You also have to remember that depression lies – and it lies about your accomplishments and also about other people’s accomplishments. Many people out there feel the way that you feel, I think.
In any case, we love you – not despite your messiness, but because you are who you are, which includes all that messiness inside. And posts like this show the world that you are not a fraud, not matter what your depression is saying to you. Chin up, lovely one xx
I think that I would be one of the people you would think had it all together, but I feel like I’m a big mess most of the time. I can pull it together pretty well when I have to be around other people. Otherwise, I do the minimum to get by. I usually don’t feel like I do any of it well.
i feel this way sometimes and i do my loving kindness meditation and gratitude journalling. over the years, i learn not to judge myself when i feel this way. feelings are temporary and they will pass only to be replaced by something else.
Well, I am glad to see I am not alone in the way I feel. The only thing that kind of gets me out of the mood is, I know there are people out there are are worse off than I am . Then I feel guilty that I was depressed or felt sorry for myself, so it is just a cycle with me. Glad to read about the e-mail thing but come to think of it I sent you a text on Tweeter that never got answered. I just figured you get a million of them and just didn’t have time to answer. I gather you never hired an assistant? I hope someone can/will give you some words of wisdom that will make you feel better. Just know you are not alone because there are a lot of us right there with you.
I had to scroll through about four miles of comments to be able to post this one, so I might go unnoticed. But I run. I dread it every day and the time it will take up. I hate going out in the heat, and I hate the way my lungs start to tighten and my stomach starts to cramp and all I want to do is stop. But once I’m done, I never regret having done it. I walk in the door after running my 5k or 8k and I’m able to tell myself that I accomplished something that used to be impossible (for me). I beat my lazy mind and my out-of-shape body, and all those reasonable-sounding voices in my head that tell me to give up. I feel accomplished when I run. I feel like a whole person.
I can have anywhere from 0-5 good days in a month. I can’t think of any day this summer that I felt proud of myself, and this first week back at school has been a fresh kind of hell. I know what it’s like to have your biggest accomplishment of the day be going to the bank. I’ve been thinking about just spending the weekend in bed because pretending to be OK this week has been exhausting. Even with all the medication and therapy getting through life feels impossible some days.
We’re not alone, Jenny. It just feels that way sometimes.
THE CAT curls up on my lap, geez I had to over-analyze my freaking previous comment and correct it. Fuck.
Find someone you greatly admire and whose opinion you tremendously respect. Realize they feel the same way about themselves. Have them tell you your balance between good-and-shitty self-perception is way off, and that you should see yourself how they see you. Now you do the same to them. Repeat.
If you think so highly of the other person (and vice versa) you’ll eventually get tired of trying to prove how worthless you are to the other person. The tiredness is your mind telling you the self-loathing obsession has weakened enough (for now) you can go onto other things.
Works for my wife and I anyway.
Jenny,
You are not alone. I feel like this all the time (not depressive, but thanks to crohn’s, little anxiety-y) and it was actually because of you that I don’t feel so bad when the only thing I did that day was dishes or laundry. I think it’s a measure of illness, and it’s a sucky one at that. But you are not a failure. You, you beautiful woman, are one of my role models. You’re a good mom, you’re successful and you’ve taught me so much. You are one of the reasons why my bf and I got together, and it’s been a whole year of freaking happiness. I am so grateful to so many inspiring people, and you’re at the top of the list.
thank you.
I would say I’m a fairly accomplished individual. I’m working on my second doctorate at the moment. After my career shift my Ph.D. basically serves to cover a hole in the wall and as a punchline to jokes. I keep waiting for someone to ask if there’s a doctor in the house. Even with all that I regularly feel unproductive, useless, worthless, exhausted, burnt out, run down and very broken. I make long to-do lists with often meaningless little things just so I can feel like I’ve accomplished something, anything (sometimes I put things on those lists after I’ve done them just so there’s something else on the list). I get great joy and entertainment from you blog and I can often hear my wife’s voice in your conversations with your husband and my voice in his place. I think what I like most about reading your posts is the honesty, life is crazy, people are crazy, things go wrong, and if we don’t find some way to laugh about them they only get worse. I do what I can to take joy in the little things in life and I hope that you continue to do the same because your blog certainly brings joy to a lot of people, as evidenced by this massive cavalcade of comments. There will be bad days, more than likely the bad days will outnumber the good days, but it’s the good days, however few they may be, that keep us going.
Jenny, darlin’,
Somewhere along the line you were seriously lied to. To my knowledge (and I have just a few years on you) life does not come with a progress chart. I looked for mine once – nada. If you wake up in the morning, you have won. If you are not here, it doesn’t matter. Lost two siblings to the illusion of failure. Pretty sure that the flowers and birds don’t get report cards. I’ma share somethin. Just being, is enough. Here’s my full on 2 cents.
“Sometimes who you are – who you think that you are, is not who you were meant to be. And a course correction occurs. A shift of a magnitude previously unfathomable. In some horrific way you are challenged to begin again. There is no guidebook here. There is only the deep knowing that you are not alone – and that too can become suspect. You are forced to confront fear. Forced to recognize that fear is just an illusion that you are willingly or unwillingly participating in. It becomes time to let that go. You must begin consciously honoring the deepest parts of your soul that you have been forced to abandon to fit someone else’s vision of reality . The way to do this is one breath at a time. You will find the support that you need. You will have the resources that you require. You will move – even if it feels that the movement is imperceptible. If you reach out, support will appear. If you believe even an infinitesimal amount it will be enough. It will be more than enough.
9/1/2013 Robbin Skinner”
Be honest? No problem. I’m *always* extremely honest when I’m asked to point out my own flaws. And since we’re sharing, I’ll be up front and say that I do not have anxiety, depression or anything else that the people on this board fight SO. DAMN. HARD. that I’m amazed and awed by when they share their stories and/struggles.
So.. how many days a month do I feel like an awesome, take no prisoners, I totally rocked life today and was super successful woman that I’ve been told that I am? Um… 4? Maybe 5? (And no, I don’t believe people when they tell me that, either. Why they persist I’ll never know 🙂 )
I’m aces at putting on and wearing a mask. Kind of an expert, actually. Ask my friends. They have *no* idea. And since we’re getting honest, I’ll also confess: People close to me think I have high standards when it comes to dating and commend me for it. They believe I’m single by choice. Which, to be fair, they are partly right. It IS my fault. The reality is that if a man pursues me; they get to know me and are actually interested? I have zero interest in them. The fact is, if they are interested in ME there must be something seriously wrong with THEM. And if there is something that seriously wrong with them? I don’t want them.
Basically? I don’t want to belong to a club that would actually want me as a member. How F’d up is that?!?
I know, I know. Not the same thing you were discussing. But it’s an example of my own issues. And if I focus too much on the other stuff I’ll spend the weekend lying on the couch – not moving, not getting dressed – just thinking about all the ways that I suck at life. Negative self-talk is pretty much the most self-destructive thing there is for me. If I start I can’t stop. Most days I can avoid that pit by not thinking about it. Instead, I just exist. I interact with people at work, talk to friends, and avoid letting anyone know *really* what is going on in my head. Isn’t that what everyone does to a certain extent anyway?
Music, favourite books and/or movies help when I start to slip. And when I want to hibernate (which I do faaaar too often) I need to get out of the house – even if only for 5 minutes – and if at all possible, talk to someone. Make eye contact with a stranger. Something.
But that’s just me.
4ish.
But I have four boys, two with autism, one with bipolar, one with ADHD. And I home school. Damnit, where’s my f-ing blog. Oh right, I haven’t even had time to update my email address to represent all four children let alone write a blog.
When things get on the skids and I start giving the pretty mom at the store with the matching pigtailed twin girls the stink eye, I remind myself: Don’t judge your insides by other’s outsides. I know all my darkest moments, my ugliest shit. All I’m seeing of her is her best and brightest.
If I eat breakfast, I feel like I’ve accomplished something grown up.
Most of the time I feel like I’m failing at life. I can’t even manage to have kids and 15 year old girls manage to every day.
I don’t think most people ever feel successful. There’s always something you haven’t started/finished, thought about.
Maybe twice a week, I feel like I’m on top of things. It’s a good day though , (muesli bars count as breakfast), so I could be over stating things.
I just left after dropping off my kid at art class believing I am now Autistic. There’s a new one for me.
I cried all the way home about my inability to read ‘cues’ when talking to people and told myself I have no value in this world whatsoever. I suck at everything; mothering, friendship, marriage, work…yada yada yada. You get the picture.
All because some perfectly coiffed 1950’s-esq art teacher asked if we “had found a new school for your son yet?” and instead of saying “no not yet”. I said; “No I looked at school A and for these reasons it didn’t work and then I looked at school B and here’s the problem with that one…”
Apparently I missed her eyes glazing over and averting from my gaze cues and she finally had to interrupt me to say “I really cant talk about this with you, the kids are waiting and I have an art class to teach.” (well then why’d you fucking ask?) I forget that we are polite in this world. We all say the right things but we really aren’t interested in any answers of depth.
Seriously. How messed up are you when an art teacher you have met 3 times makes you question your value and the possibility that you have Autism? When you’re feeling like a fuck-up Blogess, remind yourself theres a woman in the world who lets an art teacher define her value as a person in this world.
We’re all just hanging on by a thread Blogess, you’re doing great.
To quote Leonard Cohen, who knows about this shit: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”. We’re all a little cracked, my dear. You have the amazing ability to charm people with your cracks AND profit from them. WIN!!
I love you dearly (no, we don’t actually know each other but I don’t think that matters). You pull me through my own mess. I think, “Shit, if Jennifer Lawson can dig down thru her shit and become a best-selling novelist, I can certainly get thru this day at work”. Thanks for that.
I think, sometimes, that even people without depression can feel like imposters or losers. I assume they feel it less often, but I don’t really know. I know I feel like you do far more often than I’d like, and it makes me sad. I wish I knew how to brush it off or turn it down, but I don’t. One thing that has helped is that I’ve been trying to take more joy in the small accomplishments. If I can get something done, even if it’s not all that significant, maybe I am a capable individual. Maybe there is some skill and self-control and such there, even when I can’t see it. But it’s hard, sometimes, to keep it from turning into “all you’re good for is the little things” or “but you did so much more the other day” or other such negatives. But I also know I’m not really capable of taking care of the really big things right now, and thinking of them as big is too scary to deal with, so I just tackle little bits of the problems I see and maybe, just maybe, things will get better. If I can’t accomplish something big, at least I can accomplish something little, and maybe that will add up.
And I’m glad to see that this isn’t just me. I’m glad to see that even those of us who have accomplished something worry sometimes. It means my worries aren’t so unreasonable. It means that even when you fear you’re useless, you can do something that shows that you’re not. It means maybe it’s only parts of me that are broken or abnormal, not the whole. It means there’s still some hope, and we all need that sometimes.
As I’m sure you’ve already heard, you’re certainly not alone in what you think about at the end of the day. I’m mentally healthy and have a very good sense of myself and, yet, at the end of almost every day, I wonder if I actually got anything of value accomplished. It truly is normal. Everyone I know, which is truly a very broad swath of humanity, feels like this. Maybe we don’t physically crawl under the covers, but we do question ourselves. Over analyze. Under appreciate the face in the mirror. All that stuff. And we’re normal. You’re amazing. I’m amazing. We’re all struggling and shining and winning and losing. Every day. And those shining, pastel lives you see when you look at others…well, there are cracks in those lives as well. Believe it. We ALL have cracks and we’re better people for them (mostly, except for arsonists, murders, rapists, etc.). Rock On, Jenny! Just like the rest of us.
I don’t even suffer from depression and I’m sitting in a room full of packed boxes from my last move. I’ve lived here 7 years. No one out there has it all together, despite appearances. Those folks with their clean hair and PTA-organizational skills probably have puppies chained up in their basements or purposely step on cracks in the sidewalk in some passive-aggressive thing against their moms.
I totally get what you’re saying. And I think everyone feels this way from time to time. I had a really hard time with this for a really long time — I also suffer from anxiety, depression and “imposter syndrome”. Heres what I did: •stopped putting so much pressure on myself – knowing when to stop at good enough and when it makes sense to push harder •giving myself a break when I choose not to rock it •stopped measuring myself against other people (everyone cant be on the PTA so why should I do it if I don’t love it) •take that time to do something I do love – spending time with my kids) •doing something everyday that makes me happy •appreciating the tiny victories (I’m not saving the world but that doesn’t mean I’m not making a difference. I focus on the small things – playing with my dog may not move mountains but it makes his day and makes me smile).
Don’t feel bad that you aren’t magical everyday. No one is. Just do your best. That’s all anyone can ask for. Even if you just go to the bank – make it count.
Thanks for keeping it real.
Oh and also, you entertain me and make me laugh or think nearly every day. That is highly valuable to me, and I completely appreciate it. I’ve just been luuuuuuurking this whole time.
Spending ‘real time’ with your daughter every day, makes you a success at least 31 days out of the month. It’s the most important thing anyways. All the other stuff is just… filler.
Also, the peeps on Pinterest definitely do not have their shit together. They are probably not spending quality time with their kids, as they are busy perfecting crafts.
I think it’s safe to say that all of us feel like we don’t have our shit together, as we are all part of the culture of “internet-life-viewing”. ie: it’s not realistic, and we know it isn’t, but it still makes us feel inadequate.
You’re doing a fab job, and you wrote a fantastic book. I’ll never write that book, much less do a second (which, I feel pretty safe in saying…you will, and we’ll all love it. )’Cause we think you’re amazing.
Holy crap, I don’t know how you’re going to get through all these responses! But I’ll add one more.
I felt like a fraud a lot more in my younger years, though mostly at work. (I’m turning 41 next week.) And before I was diagnosed with PMDD and started taking Zoloft to treat it, I had at least 3-4 days each month where I was completely unhappy with my life. But I’ve always given myself permission to slack off in less pressing areas to maintain my sanity. (Dirty dishes in the sink until there are no more dishes left? Ok! Buy enough underwear so I don’t have to do laundry more than once a month? Yes, please.) That said, when I feel bad I don’t feel like a failure because I don’t really compare myself to other people — but I do start to question the point of life if it’s going to be just one endless procession of joyless tasks. Zoloft works for me, thank god. You’re not alone, but only you can decide how much unhappiness is too much for you and how to tackle that problem.
I often think about responding to your posts, but never get around to scrolling aaaaaaaalllllll the way down to the bottom of the page. Just in case you’re still reading after the five billion posts saying “me, too” — me, too. I am considered extremely successful in my chosen career (that I sort of fell into), and yet even though I’ve received the same message for almost two decades, I still feel like a poser and don’t understand how I got this far, or that “they” actually expect me to rise even higher. I have an amazing little girl that demonstrates intelligence, empathy, humor, and actually likes veggies, yet I am constantly thinking about all the ways I am failing her. I consider my day a success if I manage to 1), remember it’s trash day, and 2), actually take the trash out. I feel like I should be taking my daughter to the park every day to get her outdoors time, the dishes and laundry should be done, and my floors should be clean — but I never have more than one of those things done at a time, and even those are pretty rare and wild successes. While I do get to live with the perks of PTSD, I don’t have near the mental/emotional challenges you do…and I still feel like a poser. You are NOT alone.
Well, I agree with a lot of what’s been said above: none of us has it all figured out, we’re all envious of the shiny pinterest people (who has time for that stuff?), everybody has fears and anxieties and grimy corners of their lives. Both normal and common.
But I disagree with the people saying that your feelings of worthlessness, of being an imposter, of sucking at life, are normal. I am very fortunate not to suffer from depression. I think the feelings you are describing may be very common, but they are not “normal” in the context of your question. I think they are a product of depression. They are a lie. So you are not alone, but you may want to address these feelings as symptoms rather than as the baseline from which everyone else is functioning.
I’m not saying this to be a jerk or to call you abnormal or ill. But if you think everybody’s baseline is as low as yours, as difficult to get up from … then it looks like they’re somehow “ahead” of you or better able to suck it up and deal, and that’s just not the case. That’s not a fair standard to hold yourself to, it’s another lie. The truth is that those of us who do not have depression have it easier [in that one way] than those who do. The people who truly seem happier, more functional, more confident, whatever — it’s entirely possible they did not start out where you did this morning. In my mind, that’s encouraging information to know. I offer it with positive intentions and I hope others can read it that way.
I love your writing, your humor, and your honesty: thank you so much for sharing them. You have changed lives all over the world with your writing. You are an amazing, loved, successful, productive, valuable person and I hope you come to know that.
Love,
RD
The problem is not us. It’s this world with so many ‘expectations’ that we take on as our own. I am 53, married, no kids. Have worked as a nurse for 32 years. Sometimes it’s the grind that makes me feel so damn tired. There is no time to have the shiny perfect life that so many people seem to have. As I have gotten older, I realize that THEY don’t have a perfect life. Behind the perfect haircut, the make up and cute clothes that cost more than I make in a week, they feel the same way we do. They don’t open up about it because somewhere along the line, someone told them that it was not okay to tell people that you aren’t perfect. It really is okay lighten up on yourself. And when you do, you realize that no one really notices or cares! Breathe….
Life often sucks… I feel like you do all the time, I look at other people my age and see where they are in their lives, and compare that to where I am in mine, and then I feel like a failure, when I shouldn’t. People run in different ways, and are up to different parts of their lives than me, and that’s not a bad thing.
The way I handle it is, I focus of the stuff I’m doing right, ignore all the shit I’m doing wrong and just focus on the few little things I’m proud of. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But I think everyone else feels like their failing at life too, some of them just hide it better.
Google “Dear Human” by Courtney Walsh. It gave me a new perspective on my history of fragmented, broken relationships. I’d really beat beat myself up over it. For you, I’d like to add to this by saying:
Dear Human (that’s you Miss Bloggess):
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to feel successful or even to “be” successful. You already are. You came here to master the messy, beautiful, fantastic journey of being uniquely you and leaving your indelible mark. No one else can do it quite so perfectly as you. Your perfection and success doesn’t lie within your perceptions of yourself. Your success is mirrored in the world around you and the people you touch (or crash into, as the case may be.) Look around you. Look into the eyes of the people you’ve touched.
Redefine success.
Do you wonder why so many people read your blog? It’s because your a beautiful, perfect mess of a person. We all are. But you are brave enough to put it out there, and you’ve melted our hearts and made us braver for it, also. You’re not in the PTO? Good God! Really? I’m not either, and have no desire to be. I’m happy to get my daughter through high school without getting knocked up. (I kid, but seriously…success as a mother is hardly defined as a PTO volunteer.) Teach your daughter to be an amazing woman, by being an amazing woman.
And you are. Divinely so.
You’re not alone. You’re not an imposter, and I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here being that my comment is in the 2k range, you don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, and that includes your own self. But that last part, is the freakin hardest thing in the world not to do. I live in an affluent community with a large do-it yourself mentality. I go to church with a woman who was admonishing another about how easy it is to composte all your food waste and while you’re at it, you should make your own yogurt and bonus, it’s a science experiment so yummy and educational! And this was has I was cleaning up after I provided coffee hour food of store bought breads and trays of fruit and veggies (already prepared by said grocery store, damn it, don’t judge me!). All my daughter’s friends moms are University faculty or faculty wives so they lead very flexible lives. They can take off when they want to, show up at school during the day to be THAT parent, etc. Hell, as far as this group is concerned, summers are for traveling to Europe or Asia while mom or dad present at a conference. I, on the other hand, work full time for the school district and get to show up at my kid’s school to cover an event because I’m working it. My husband gets a paragraph written about how he’s our daughter’s hero because he’s really smart and helps her with her homework. I get a cartoon drawn with me rolling my eyes telling my kid her arm’s not broken (it was).
But all of this doesn’t matter. Why. Because my kid loves me anyways. Even when I can’t love myself. She’s the best of me. Since my kid doesn’t know you, she doesn’t love you. But she thinks you’re really funny (like I do) and we all share a common admiration of Doctor Who. Then again, you have you’re own daughter that loves you like that. And whether we believe it or not, we are worthy of that love.
So, i just read this over. And while I feel better about myself, it certainly appears that I suck at making you feel better. Sorry.
Truthfully, Jenny, I feel like that all the time, too. When I have a down day (which is far too often for my liking), all the things I feel like I *should* be doing or *should* have done by now come pouring into my head and I sit there in a funk, wondering if I’ll ever feel like I’m doing well in life. I’ve had so many setbacks (including three fullblown anxiety disorders and lifelong major depression) that too often I define myself by missed opportunities and insecurities. I mean, WHY the fuck can’t I just go get my car washed like a normal person? Why does it have to be such an ordeal every time, and why doesn’t anyone else I know have trouble with it? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I “network” and “socialize” and do all of those things you’re told to do in order to be professionally successful? Why don’t I WANT to do them? Sometimes I feel like my entire life is just me sabotaging myself.
But…and this is an important one…sometimes I have moments when I do something well, where I feel accomplished and proud of myself and marvel at how far I’ve come from where I used to be. I hold a job, I do very well at it, I have a stable relationship, and I don’t hate myself as much as I used to. For all the goals I have yet to achieve, I try to remind myself of how far I’ve come. Because fighting your way out of so much anxiety and depression and doubt is fucking HARD, and there don’t seem to be enough people in my everyday life who understand that. Five years ago I felt like I had no future, like I was trapped in a living hell that was inescapable and doubted if I’d even be alive now. But I’m not there anymore, and whatever doubts and feelings of inadequacy I have, I try to remind myself that I’ve actually accomplished a LOT. Even if a lot of it isn’t stuff that most people would think twice about.
Well, after a million comments, I am not sure you want one more….
If your daughter and husband love you, you’ve succeeded enough for the day. If you love them, you’ve doubled your success. Really, what else matters?
I imagine that your job just sucks it out of you. And gives back an enormous amount. It won’t always balance.
I don’t know what you are going through in the sense that I know how you feel, but I am having some health issues as well, and honestly it has put me down to one basic goal: I don’t want to die before my 85-year-old mother does because my sister already did that and my mother never got over it. Thinking crap like that is just sometimes the way life is. How successful am I? Well, in all other ways except for staying on the right side of the grass so far, I suck. Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted dreams. That’s life for most of us.
Those people who seem so perfect? They are not. If it is one thing I have learned it is that EVERYONE is going through shit. Dog shit, cow shit, horse shit, baby shit, cat shit, orangutan shit. It’s all STILL SHIT even though it may be different than the shit in your life, and everyone has to wade through it. Sometimes it’s just hidden, but it’s still there. I have a friend that has three children. Two have serious “invisible” physical health issues and one has depression. Her husband cheated death once so far. You’d never know it unless you knew her VERY well and I am sure MANY people think she lives the charmed life. Nope. She’s wading through the shit like everyone else. I
What other blogger, writer, bullshitter … gets 2000+ comments on their posts? I mean, you can’t possibly be expected to read all of them… which is why I have never left a comment here before. But know that everyone has bad days, everyone feels worthless from time to time, everyone feels like they are a failure at some point. Its NORMAL. Even people that look “perfect” from the outside. Actually, those perfect facebook/pinterest/instagram people are often the most fucked up of all of us, and they don’t even have a sense of humor half the time. No one is a finished product. We are all works in progress, and although its normal to have those feelings, its also important to recognise them for what they are … just our brain trying to trip us up. And let them go, and try to do our best the next day. Its sounds so cliche I know, but its true.
3-4 days per month sounds fine to me. I’m in that boat too. I get through it with gardening. If I get in the yard once a week and do something productive it seems to help. Maybe it’s all that fresh air.
Depression lies. You taught me that. I know exactly how it feels to look at all the “normal” things you should be taking care of and aren’t, and decide that makes you a failure. It doesn’t. It means that your priorities have to be carefully selected so you get the TRULY IMPORTANT shit done – like spending time with your daughter – and let the normal-but-fuck-I-can’t-be-bothered-with-it-today shit slide. You mentioned you wrote a book, and had it published, and be successful. HOLY SHIT BALLS, THAT’S FUCKING AMAZING. Yes, it is. It doesn’t matter if you never write another book ever again. You wrote a novel, and it was not only published, it was CRAZY WICKED successful. You have done more right there, you have done something so amazing, that those perfect looking pastel PTA moms will likely never do. You. WIN. You don’t need to clean your house every day and make homemade cookies and volunteer for every committee for your daughter’s school to be successful. You love your daughter, and make sure she has the things she needs, and much of what she wants, and that she’s growing up to be an amazing person just like her parents. You have a husband who will stand by you no matter what, even when you’re driving each other completely insane. You have a dozen things that are diagnosed as being PHYSICALLY WRONG with you, RA, and depression, and anxiety, and I don’t even know the whole laundry list. But you’re STILL HERE. You never gave in to the voices that told you to just give up. You haven’t crawled away into a hole and abandoned the people who love you most. You have faced the darkness within, and even when it leaves you quivering under a blanket unable to get up and brush your teeth, you still give your daughter the love she deserves. You. Are. AMAZING. Anyone who wants to give you shit about not unpacking or making sure things are dusted or what-the-fuck-ever can just go jump off a pier. Because you, Jenny Lawson, are MY hero.
Add another day this month, because your post sounds so much like me you accomplished something important today. You reminded many of us that we are not alone, that we are not the only ones who feel like frauds and/or imposters in our lives. I think it’s more prevalent than anyone suspects and that some people just have better masks while others (me included) tend to be more naked to the world in questioning ourselves, our value and our accomplishments. And let me remind you as you often remind us: DEPRESSION LIES!
Thank you for always being so honest. I think more people need to more honest more of the time than not. I’m a big proponent of honesty. Even if the truth hurts, it hurts way less than any lie.
Lately I’ve found that I have to force myself to want to do anything. I go to work, come home, and all I’m really interested in is SVU and crocheting.
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? If I’m lucky? Maybe 5-7 days. Hardly ever in a row.
What makes you feel the worst? That my job isn’t what I went to college for… not even close. That other people, younger people seem to have their shit together and I don’t seem to have anything at all together.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful? I hug my dog… then clean something. Two weeks ago I made it a point to buy paint to paint our living room…so, I felt somewhat successful. I’ve started my end-of-life planning, Living Will, Will, and POA. That made me feel accomplished. Reading helps. Reading your blog brings me an extraordinary sense of peace… because it let’s me know that I am not alone. That there are other folks out there who struggle with the same things I do.
I’ve also realized that someone else’s life always seems more inviting and happier and more successful and more everything. But in reality, it’s not. We ALL have our own struggles, demons, and crosses to bare. The grass may seem greener on the other side, but that’s only because it’s covered with bullshit. True story.
Thank you again, for just being you. You are wonderful.
Love,
Always,
Rebecca~
At this point in the comments, you probably won’t see this, but if you do, here’s my two cents. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, hopefully to be renamed Emotional Dysregulation Disorder. It is known in some circles as Drama Queen Disorder. I was unable to get any help for a long time, and I coped better than many people I read about, but before medication, there might have been 1 or 2 days a year that I felt like a success. I’ve been on a good mix of meds for a year and half, and my world has completely changed. I am reasonably proud of my accomplishments, which aren’t nearly so vast as yours, and am pretty content except for about 3 days twice a month. I don’t need to remind you of what you expressed in the concisest way possible that depression lies, your illness lies. You know that, but I know how hard it is to believe a lot of days.
Once every few months I get told how I’m not holding up my end of the housewife deal. I get super depressed and try to get it all done. I feel super productive for about a few hours as I kock out what I need to. I even make a list and a schedule so I can keep up. Then as the weeks and months progress I let my life fall apart again. I drink more and gain weight and don’t do my homework or housework and stop taking the dog outside and end up in bed watching bad reality TV about weddings or weight loss or hording while feeling good that I’m at least not a horder or 500 pounds, or bad that I am still not married.
I end up only getting things done that are specifically asked of me and that means I have about 8 productive hours a week. Maybe 15 if I’m really lucky and feel like I can do the grown up thing. It is super hard sometimes that my partner is self motivated and can work 50 hour weeks while I am unemployed. Sometimes I am sad that I am so bad at being an adult. I will be 30 soon and I don’t even have my degree.
Jenny, my answer took up more space than I was willing to fill up your comment box with. Hope it helps.
definitely not alone. i feel like i suck most of the time.
funny, though – i read your post then directly below it in my feed reader was this one:
http://markmanson.net/measure-your-life
maybe changing how you measure success will help. i’m gonna try it 🙂
yes, all of this.
As I said errr typed on the Twitter, maybe 3 or 4 days a month I don’t hate myself…maybe.
I’m bi-polar and the anxiety/depression/self loathing is overwhelming. I’m sick of people telling me to be happy, to cheer up.
anyway, you are not only along, but you’re a weird, new kind of normal, for us writers types.
hugs
You are *so* not alone in this. I’ve struggled with depression my entire life– I mean really, I was depressed in grade school (and, hmm, I’m another child of a narcissist…) and have continued to be ever since. I graduated with my B.A. at the age of 20, after three years in college. At 23 I had my M.A. in hand, and went on to do my doctoral work at a prestigious university. After all that (and two babies) I discovered that paying jobs in my field were rarer than hen’s teeth, so I switched gears entirely and became a registered nurse. Now I’m a certified RN in my area, an educator, and acknowledged as a leader in my institution.
See? On paper (or a computer screen) that sounds great. Trouble is, I don’t buy ANY of it. Sure, technically it’s all true. I did all those things. I published peer-reviewed articles back in the day. Now I teach my peers. And every single day I wake up positive that this will be the day that I’m found out. The sad fact is that I feel like an actor playing a role– or, more correctly, a con artist who’s bound to get caught someday soon.
I have no clue what the solution is. It’s comforting at least to know it’s not just me, either,
I’m a faker. I fake it everyday. People tell me they wish they were as strong as me, and I hear this and I’m crushed inside because I know how weak I am and I feel like an impostor for appearing so strong when all I’m trying to do is make it to bedtime without more failures than I can count on one hand. I know how many nights I cry myself to sleep. I know how many days I procrastinate on paying bills, and how many times I have late fees. I know I’ve lived in a new state for a year, but haven’t changed over my drivers license or license plates yet. No reason for it. I just haven’t. Everyday I wake up and I get dressed and I go to work and pretend to be a normal, healthy, happy person, but I’m not normal, I’m not entirely healthy, and happiness is as fleeting as a butterfly on my finger.
I have an extremely difficult daughter, who has a whole list of issues. I often have days where I don’t get a lot accomplished because I am just trying to make it through the day without going mad. I feel like a success if I can get my kids cared for and in bed with minimal yelling. I have piles of stuff from moving that I need to sort thru but everyday life can take over and not allow time for dealing with the non-critical chores. And don’t feel bad about not being a PTA mom – I’ve tried it, but there always seems to be a few parents that run the whole show, want to control it all, then talk about how much they do. They really do not want “outsiders” involved or their “new” ideas, because they can do everything their way, which causes newcomers to shy away from staying involved. I have found it to be like an adult clique. Life is significantly more complicated now than it has ever been, and there is so much that always needs to be done. I don’t think I will ever catch up, so I am happy when I get something – anything – completed/finished/sorted/cleaned….hugs to you for pushing thru each day.
I read this at 7:50pm Central time. There were 2030 comments already. And you don’t feel successful? If success was a mother…she’d bop you upside your head right now and tell you to look around. You don’t always get to see your success…sometimes it’s in a smile from someone reading your post, sometimes it’s in the perfect sammich you made your daughter for her lunch, sometimes it’s making it thru the day without breaking down.
Welcome to my world. Glad I am not alone on this planet. 🙂
My impression is this sounds like a little from column A and a little from column B. It’s pretty normal to feel the way you do, but the degree sounds like it might be tweak-the-meds time.
I very rarely feel satisfied with my work on a given day, but I also don’t feel too badly most of the time. Like today. I had my first day of class, and I sucked hard. But on the other hand, I didn’t get enough sleep last night despite reasonable efforts to go to bed early, and I’m rusty as hell after the summer I had. So it kinda works out to, well, I’ve set a really low bar for myself to go soaring over once I figure out my shit in time for my next class.
It also helps that I can divide the world into “stuff I can do something about, right now, for reals” and “stuff that I can’t really control in any meaningful fashion”. If I can’t control it, fuck it, there’s no point in getting worked up about it because it won’t do anything. If I can control it, then I try to stay on top of it because I’ve learned that if I don’t I start having anxiety attacks.
Oh honey! You are so totally normal! You just happen to be living your life authentically! I have to beleive that everyone’s life sucks to some degree, in some area… or maybe all areas! The PTA super mom doesn’t clean house. The brownie baking stay at home mom is banging the neighbor. The chick who appears to have it all, is so lonely… and on and on. Give yourself a break, every single day. If you can be a good enough mom to your daughter and smile at your husband then you are ahead of the game. Anything beyond that is bonus! It doesn’t help to beat yourself up for not doing more. Try to be satisfied with just doing those 2 things and before you know it, you will be able to do a little more each day. You are perfect just the way you are!
I feel that way just about every day. I’m not on any meds, or been diagnosed with anything. The world (OK, Pinterest) just makes me feel like I should be doing so much MORE than I am. And I always feel like I’m behind. If it helps, my daughter was assigned a project to review a Memoire and she was less than thrilled, until she remembered we have your book, and she’s now thrilled. So add Helped Random 14 year old out with her homework, to your list of accomplishments for the day.
I don’t have time to read all the other comments tonight, but clearly I am not the only one speaking up to say it’s not just you. I would say about once a month I have a “why can’t I do this shit?” day and a few “everywhere I look around here I see things that I need to do and haven’t done” days. It’s so bad when it hits that it’s hard to believe it will ever pass.
I read a line in a book once that I try to remember: “Never compare your insides with someone else’s outsides.” No one is all put together. Some are closer than others, but there’s a skeleton in every person’s closet. It may be a mouse or it may be a whale, but it’s there.
I’m so glad you wrote this post. I feel like this every.single.day. I keep waiting for that moment when I’ll snap into life right along with everyone else. I’m slowly learning better how to fake it. How to time laughter to jokes I don’t find funny. How to force friendly smiles when they feel wrong on my face. How to always smile when on the phone so the right dash of human inflection is added into the conversation. If left to my own devices I’d probably rarely leave the house and spend most of my time escaping into books, movies, video games — anything that wasn’t the reality I’m in. I too (as I’ve read from many others) wondered when my boyfriend is going to clue in on the fact that I’m a total basket case and he needs to run. fast. I yearn to be caught up in my ‘passion.’ So far my only passion seems to be finding new modes of escape. I’m always baffled that people find me to be motivated, driven, successful — I always feel I’m putting in 10% on a good day. Maybe once every few weeks I feel like a rock star, but then all the insecurities come back along with the lack of motivation, and then I’m back to faking it. Hard.
You just made me feel better. I had no idea that there was such a thing as Imposter Syndrome, but I now know that I also suffer from it. No matter how much I do I worry that it’s not enough, I feel guilty for everything and like you blame all my successes on luck and timing rather than acknowledging that I had anything to do with it. I’m getting a little better about that last bit, but still bad about blaming myself for everything bad and feeling guilty about things that i have no reason to feel guilty about.
Just this week I was participating in a Psych study on teamwork for a class, and one question that came up on the surveys was about whether or not I felt guilty…. and every time I had to agree that I did … even with the knowledge that I had nothing to feel guilty for. I was just constantly worried/ feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing enough for my part.
Depression lies. You taught me that. I know exactly how it feels to look at all the “normal” things you should be taking care of and aren’t, and decide that makes you a failure. It doesn’t. It means that your priorities have to be carefully selected so you get the TRULY IMPORTANT shit done – like spending time with your daughter – and let the normal-but-fuck-I-can’t-be-bothered-with-it-today shit slide. You mentioned you wrote a book, and had it published, and be successful. HOLY SHIT BALLS, THAT’S FUCKING AMAZING. Yes, it is. It doesn’t matter if you never write another book ever again. You wrote a novel, and it was not only published, it was CRAZY WICKED successful. You have done more right there, you have done something so amazing, that those perfect looking pastel PTA moms will likely never do. You. WIN. You don’t need to clean your house every day and make homemade cookies and volunteer for every committee for your daughter’s school to be successful. You love your daughter, and make sure she has the things she needs, and much of what she wants, and that she’s growing up to be an amazing person just like her parents. You have a husband who will stand by you no matter what, even when you’re driving each other completely insane. You have a dozen things that are diagnosed as being PHYSICALLY WRONG with you, RA, and depression, and anxiety, and I don’t even know the whole laundry list. But you’re STILL HERE. You never gave in to the voices that told you to just give up. You haven’t crawled away into a hole and abandoned the people who love you most. You have faced the darkness within, and even when it leaves you quivering under a blanket unable to get up and brush your teeth, you still give your daughter the love she deserves. You. Are. AMAZING. Anyone who wants to give you shit about not unpacking or making sure things are dusted or what-the-fuck-ever can just go jump off a pier. Because you, Jenny Lawson, are MY hero.
I feel like that everyday! And I am not depressed… I think 95% of us feel this way but we don’t talk about it or voice it out loud in case someone really discovers we really are imposters. The other 5% are delusional or are not seeing the realities of life.
I also feel like a fraud, an imposter, a waste of air most days. I’d say I feel like a “normal” person 0-2 days a month. I keep waiting for my bosses, my friends, my family to realize what I’ve know all along: that I’m useless and they should stop being around me. I was diagnosed with “clinical depression” as a child and I’m a middle aged lady now – that’s a lot of time with this beast on my back.
I spend my non-work time fretting about all of the things I need to get done [dishes, cat boxes, bill paying…] and not actually doing anything. I spend my time in bed watching TV because videogames and books are too much effort – forget about cleaning! I can’t find the strength to cook and end up eating take-out constantly and then feel worse because of the lack of nutrition and the ever-tightening waistbands of my pants…. If I get the cat boxes cleaned, well that’s cause for celebration.
In a world of Great Unemployment I have two jobs – both “crappy” warehouse jobs that give me a pretty terrible schedule, so I spend my time thankful that I’m employed but I try not to talk about where I work because it feels shameful. “Oh, you graduated from a top arts college? What are you doing with your life?” “Um, working at UPS…”
Yet somehow I’ve had these two jobs for eight years [!] and just keep chugging along. But I can’t seem to get out of this rut and get a “real” job, you know, that mythical job that gives enough money to actually pay your bills.
Yet somehow I’ve found myself married to an incredible man and have a few, great friends.
But every minute of every day I’m waiting for them to realize what a terrible person I am and that they should run screaming away from me.
Sorry this is rambly. I really just wanted to drop by and reinforce that you’re not alone. It may be sad that we all seem to be in a similar boat, but it’s great that we can talk about it and help each other out. It sucks that you suffer, but it’s great for all of us that you talk about it and show us that we’re not alone. Thanks for being you ’cause you seem pretty fabulous.
I’ve never commented before, but wanted to today. I actually do NOT suffer from depression, but yes, I do feel like this a few days a month. It used to be more, when my children were first back in school and I remained a stay at home mom nonetheless. Through the past 3 years I have remained a stay at home mom, however, and have just…changed my outlook. I’ve decided that I don’t need to compete with everyone else. I don’t care if their kitchen is cleaner, or laundry is put away. My family is happy, I did make sure they got fed, no one is grossing out about the bathrooms today, and — the topper– I’M HAPPY. See, I realized one thing. This here is MY life. No one else’s, and I’m not going to get another shot at it. Did I finish all the housework today? Nope. But that book isn’t going to read itself.
Moments, not days. Not even moments for a good many years. Then I got sober and I learned I was not the only one. My story includes AA, it saved my life. The people who are just like us gave me hope. Very, very very slowly I have learned a new way of living and viewing life. But it is still moments of peace and feeling “real”. Not day’s. The moments are random and come in various shapes and sizes. To shut the voices out? I check my feet .. I am right were I am suppose to be right at this moment. Am I trying to do the next right thing? if not .. well try. My gratitude list might just have “I am wearing clean socks” .. but it is something. And I have 90% of the time completely given up on caring what other people think. If I am trying on a daily basis to do the next right thing I am good, it is enough. I am perfectly broken and that is ok, today.
I think a lot of people on here recognize a lot of themselves in you – myself included. I try not to count the days but the instances in when I feel good about myself. Its really hard but I force myself. It’s getting easier.
I try to quiet that nagging, negative voice inside that I deal with day by day, hour by hour. I get compliments about an outfit, or my hair and I just want to say “fuck off”…that isn’t normal but I’m dealing with it. I can’t accept positiveness when its directed to me and I have to rework the way I think about it. I try and pray, I talk to myself a lot and I look in the mirror and try not to cringe. Sometimes I just want to curl into a ball in the corner of a room and watch a Honey Boo Boo marathon rather than deal with the life outside. I have two good kids (24 and 19) that are good people and I don’t think I totally fucked them up (on my third marriage….I can go on and on about how THAT is the reason they both don’t have boy/girl friends…) But I know, and there are examples that prove, that I AM a good person. I haven’t scared off my third husband…possibly because he’s lived through a roadside bomb in Iraq that ended his Army career and hurt him mentally.
I think we all have our wars, scars, IEDs we deal with.
Most of the things you just said I totally relate to …it makes me feel better that I’m not alone. So THANK YOU! (on the off-chance that you will read this far down in the comments)
I do the “meds” thing….I exercise. I do what I can that might help. And, oddly, stumbling upon your book and blog helps so much. You help me! You help people! I don’t feel so crappy because you make me laugh. Not to put the weight of MY problems on your already -burdened shoulders but you’re my therapy. I laughed so hard when I first read your book I snorted. I enjoyed myself. Are you the sole reason why I feel the day is a little brighter? No, but you do add to it…your honesty about your “flaws” and your candidness about your mental health issues have made me want to peek outside and see that the world is not as scary when you know there are others like you out there.
(wow, i just rambled and it didn’t probably make a whole lot of sense…..)
In short, you ROCK..thank you…a million thanks.
no, it’s not just you… I listened to the song before I wrote my comment and I fucking loved it. I have my own vampires.. they are the ones telling me that I can’t do chemistry at 32 and still get married and have kids and have a successful career AND go to grad school… they are telling me that I’m too old and too stupid to do what I want to do… that I’m going to be barren by the time I’m ready to have kids.
every day I feel like a failure… every day. I see kids in their 20s and I think… I’m a failure. I see moms in their 30s and I think.. I’m a failure.
some of the worst is that I don’t feel like I have a right to feel depressed … because nothing truly terrible has happened to me.. I didn’t have a horrible childhood.. I have everything I need most of the time… yes I’m in crippling (or will be when I’m done) student loan debt, but I have a roof over my head, food on the table and things to help me succeed like a laptop. Why should someone like me who has so much be depressed when there are people out there who are stuck in the life of drugs, sex crimes, horrible childhood experiences.
that’s when I have to remind myself that depression lies. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’ve been… depression is a mental illness…. it’s not like it only picks people with the shitty lives… people could have everything they want/need and still be depressed.
you’re not alone… and neither am I.
Maybe 5 days? Then when I do feel like I’ve got it all “together” the “mom who does everything perfectly” usually ruins my happy buzz.
My kids wouldn’t let me join the PTA
Dude, if I can feel successful once a month, that’s a good month. I have ADD and have been reading and trying to learn more about myself lately. What you’re describing is exactly how ADD tears you down. We may start out as decent normal people but by the time we make it to adulthood our self esteem has been torn to shreds. We feel worthless, and like we’re living in a house of cards. Even on a good day I live in fear that it will all come tumbling down if I breath to hard. One of the other ways ADD lies to you is it makes you very UN-self-aware. If you can’t see yourself clearly, you can’t see the good that you’re going.
I’m sorry, I don’t have a solution for you, but you’re TOTALLY not alone in this.
Yeah, I’m pretty pleased with myself if I can get one of those good days in a week. Sometimes it’s a few weeks and then I might get one or two in a row. Everything in me is either recovering from the last overwhelming experience or preparing for the next one, so the idea of a little a day is terrifying because what if I’m not ready for a crisis?
Anxiety? check
Shame? check
Depression? check
Lying in bed under the covers? oh hell check
Regularly count getting dressed as my biggest accomplishment? yeah, check
Giant dust rhinos eating boxes of things from over a decade ago that I’m now afraid to open? double-fucking-mega-check
Feeling like a loser for not writing/doing enough? check check checkcheckcheckcheckCHECK!
Imposter Syndrome?…???…OMG, is that a THING? Probably check.
Which is to say, you are so very, very not alone. The people who look all polished and capable I like to believe are just trapped in a different sort of anxiety, one where they have to bust ass all the time in pursuit of perfectionism and fear of judgment. They’re both sides of the same coin. Not many of us can just coast somewhere in the middle. The ones who can had normal childhoods. I don’t know many of them. I’m certainly not one. Eight years of PTSD therapy and I’m what, *maybe* halfway functional?
You’re doing all the right things, it’s just that a) it takes time, and b) you’re just living in an unbalanced world. I read somewhere that indigenous cultures only worked about 20 hours a week. The rest was play, rest, and creativity. That is how our brains are designed. We literally can only exercise so much willpower in a day (no, really: http://www.npr.org/2011/09/18/140516974/resistance-training-for-your-willpower-muscles). When you use it all up on trying not to jump out of a window, there’s pretty reasonably not much left for much else.
Also, if it will make you feel better, I will totally send you a photo of my kitchen floor, which now has about half of the ceramic tiles chipped up, and is a total disaster, and I have no actual plans for finishing it, but I started it because we had to get our dishwasher replaced and I started trying to make things easier on the installer guy who is coming tomorrow because the flooring is at different levels because it’s an old house, and now I have to wear shoes in the kitchen because it’s covered in pottery shards and the cat is TOTALLY pissed at me, and I don’t even know what my daughter is going to say when she comes home Saturday. Probably, “Mom. What…?”
But you asked two other questions (yes, I’m still talking): What makes you feel the worst? When Jim starts getting annoyed at me for all the undone stuff. Thanks, bud, I’m doing fine on the shame front ALL by myself. Also, when I let my daughter down.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?: something tiny. Anything. Chip away a single tile. File a single piece of paper. No strings attached, no expectation to do more. Just one little thing. Or I find something else to avoid – I get super-productive then. I kind of have a merry-go-round – no, a slot machine – of avoidance. You just keep pushing the button and eventually something shakes loose. Gotta clean? Try writing. Gotta write? Try cleaning! Or really anything that involves you not having any access to a keyboard. My motivation fucking ADORES irony.
That’s my pep talk. The most important bit is this: whatever you are doing right now, it is your best, and that is enough. There will be another good day, and that will also be enough. You will move the ball a few yards down the field and that will be fine and we will all cheer for you if you ask. In the meantime, to quote Mary Oliver, you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
I went to work today with dirty hair.
If I don’t have to go anywhere, I often won’t wash my hair or shower. I will also sleep until noon.
I often just walk around dried cat puke for a day or two before cleaning it up.
I almost never wash my makeup off before going to bed.
Our apartment is a disaster 80% of the time (and we don’t have kids to blame).
Sometimes, I still eat off of Tupperware lids.
We cook homemade dinners maybe 3 times a month.
Wow. Now I’m starting to feel really shitty and ashamed of myself.
Ending on something that makes me look slightly less losery (?) : On average, during the week, I work about 12 hours a day.
Wow, I’m reading the other comments and I’m thinking, “MY PEOPLE….I’M HOME!!” LOL…
I almost never feel like I’ve kicked ass at something. The fact that I have only had one panic attack in the last 5 years (after years of anxiety so bad that I would wake up from dreams having a panic attack) still doesn’t diminish the disappointment I feel at myself for not being able to attend a party of any sort. Not even a recent going away “party” for a co-worker that would have just been the dozen or so people that I work with every week. Going back to college, graduating and getting a job I love doesn’t change how I feel like a loser because I haven’t been on a date in 10 years. I never know what to say and when I do say something I always feel like I’ve said the wrong thing. If someone compliments me I am unable to just say thank you like a normal person. I have to make excuses or say something ridiculously awkward. I try to remind myself that everyone has a public life and a private life and even all the perfect people who have it all together have insecurities and doubts, but mostly I just want to TP their house. I know I’m fucking it up most of the time. I’m trying hard every day. Some days the hardest I can try is to eat a bag of beef jerky while watching sloth videos on youtube while refusing to hide in the shower and cry. Some days I hide and cry. Some days I think that the light at the end of the tunnel might not be a train about to run me down.
All that embarrassing rambling to say I know what you mean and you are absolutely not the only one.
Common angst syndrome for above average sentient beings. Question one, are you getting enough satisfying sex? What about natural sunlight? Proper hydration, rest and healthy balanced diet. You got rid of the demon gall bladder so you need to detox your body fully. Look for a proper safe detox regimens.try juicing for a day of two. Sounds to me your chi is totally fucked up. You need balance fast. Find it in nature. Go to a beautiful park and sit in Sun, breathe deeply fresh air. Walk and observe all beauty around you. Only allow pure cleAn energy to influence you. Find psychic who can check your aura and recommend fix to balance. Holy sacred places are also good for recovering spirit. Avoid all sugar and processed food. Get good live food into you. Visit a holistic healer or authentic Asian acupuncturist. Very therapeutic. Must open self to healing. You deserve to be healed and your higher power wants to heal your spirit. So stop cock blockin your own freedom.
All my life I’ve felt this way. I am 53 years old and have never felt “normal”. I could never figure out why other girls hung out and never included me… Not when I was young or even now. Everyone tells me that I’m such a nice person and I’m so blessed, but..I never believed it until I finially decided that I am who I am and fuck everyone else. The cape cod with the white picket fence, 2 perfect kids and the wonder happy doggie running in the yard, was not really real life. Burst my bubble a little, but made it easier too. And…..you just have to let go..let GOD.
I always tell my kids (incidentally, they all suffer from this same shit too) “how do you eat an Elephant?….one bite at a time.
Hang in there cuddle that kiddo under those blankets. Embrace you. You are loved by many even when you don’t feel like you are????
Not even sure what to say except that your post made me cry, and the song made me laugh, cry and instantly share it – put it on my blog – and then download the musical even though I am losing my shit about money until the next pay day. It’s another day for me where the best I can do is not rock silently in the corner while my toddler climbs on unsafe things like my desk and then throws herself onto the my computer chair narrowly missing the edge of the desk with the back of her head. Like she wants to go to the ER. I’m not doing well. You always write about it so much more eloquently than I do. I suffer. I feel similarly. I am so so proud of you for sharing because I can’t and that makes me feel ashamed. You make it better for me when days are really bad. And they are really bad. I don’t think about things in terms of months because that scope is really overwhelming for me……. If I have a good hour of a day – I’m thrilled. I fail at life pretty regularly. It’s really hard. Two days ago I printed out the Depression lies bracelet and covered it in packing tape and wore it. I wrote “Never give up” in sharpie on my hand above it because I can’t get it together to order the damned necklace. I drew a heart on the inside of my wrist to remind me that people love me. People love you. I love you. Sometimes the best you can do is write a blog that touches thousands of people.
What stood out to me is your belief that most people “seem to totally have their shit together”; that they don’t have mess, the hair that needs to be washed. Why don’t they talk about it? Because like you, they think everyone else was like that and it’s just THEM. I think people have unrealistic expectations and set themselves up for disappointment. For people like you and me that have depression, it’s even more than disappointment…it translates into failure.
Pretty, pastel lives only exist in the movies. For every person I know that has spotless house , all their bills paid on time and children with straight-As, I find underneath a life where perhaps underneath it all the termites are eating the house, they’re overextended and kids that hate their parents.
In the long run your daughter’s not going to remember you weren’t a member of the PTA. She probably wouldn’t notice now. You hate picnics? I’m guessing if you were to set one up for your daughter she’d look at you and say, “who are you, and what have you done with my mom? What they will remember is things that you did do with them, even it it’s not PTA-worthy. Whatever you two have fun doing together, that’s all she wants. I’m guessing if you tried to be a “Stepford Wife” you might just freak her out.
Life today is complicated and it’s easy to become overwhelmed. We all want to curl up in bed when we don’t know where to start. But day after day (for the most part) we DO get up and do the best we can. And it’s enough. Enough for those who truly matter in your life, and hopefully, because of that, enough for you. Hugs.
My take on the whole thing: Unfortunately American media has mothers feel guilty about being human. Now-a-days you don’t have to be a mom, but you have to be a super mom like Martha Stewart who excells in crafts, cooking, decorating, etc. Even Martha Stewart could not be the mom that the commercial Martha Stewart is (ask her kids).
I say all of this because I know I made big mistakes with raising my kids. One thing that always happened, I was honest with my kids and never made (therefore never broke) a promise. I would tell them that I could only give them my word to do my best, but never promised them anything because if I dropped dead after declaring my promise, how could I be certain that would still happen?
I often joked that if my kids did not need therapy after leaving home, then I did not “do it right.”
Now I look upon two grown children who decided to both be first generation military (no one in my family on either side has joined the military that I know of). I admit fully and am willing to take blame for my mistakes, but my children won’t have it. They say that they can’t be mad at me for being, of all thing, human – which is flawed by nature.
I tell you all this not only because I am proud of the two most precious children I believe exists, but because they have taught me the most valuable lesson. You don’t have to be the perfect parent. You just have to love them unconditionally and be honest with them always.
My children are the best kids ever, and they know I believe that with all of my heart! THAT is the best you can do.
I feel the exact same way a lot of the time and watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie almost every night (my family doesn’t understand this but for some reason it relaxes me) You are an amazing writer and you are gifted at describing the human experience in a way that makes everyone who reads you feel less alone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this – you’ve brought a long-time lurker (and huge book fan) out of the shadows. 2-3 days a month sounds about right to me, even during those times when I avoid Pinterest and embrace extra tea, cookies, and wine. xoxo
I am not on meds or anything and never bothered to see a doctor about my depression, here in Singapore, depression is still not talked about as it should be. so we just plod along and when bad days come up, i just hide in bed and dont talk to anyone and pray I dont open the window and jump off. after all a smashed up body is a no no and I still want to look good at my funeral. For me the best way to snap out of it is to let guilt take over… the guilt of leaving my kids behind, or the guilt of having one of my sons discover my body. so that sort of pulls me back into line and I get up and just get on with it. some days are harder and it takes longer to get back to being productive but I get there eventually
You are not alone there are millions of us out there who dont talk about how we are not perfect we are just trying the best we can
When I started reading this post it took me a few sentences to realize that you were being absolutely serious, and I can’t tell you how much I admire that, and applaud you for being brave (though it’s not a surprise at this point) and being so baldly truthful.
As thousands of people are saying, here, you’re not alone. It’s taken about 8 years to figure out how to snap myself out of a funk and that mindset of inferiority. I only really suffer from depression about once a month, and it doesn’t last more than a few days at a time, and my advice is probably going to be unhelpful because it involves forcefully being social, and embracing whatever the heck you feel like doing at the moment other than the things you think you should do to be productive…but it is what it is.
I’m a teacher, and the moment my first student walks in the classroom, everything starts being about my kids. It sounds like what you do with Hailey, actually. I’ve found that being around children and making a real difference in their lives, helping them become more confident, independent, and happy, somehow soothes my own feelings of inadequacy. I don’t know if there’s any way you can get yourself into a classroom to volunteer, or a community center, or something, but those are the things that most sharply snap me back to myself. From experience, I wouldn’t recommend putting yourself on a schedule, because then that becomes something to avoid, cancel, and then brood over how much you suck for avoiding/canceling. But if there’s any way to get more Hailey-type interactions with other people…
I don’t have children, so my husband and dogs and I can let stuff go without it being too much of a disaster. Let’s put this in perspective–no kids, done with college/grad school, loads of free time, right? I have about a dozen different unfinished (but in progress, if only in my head, so I can feel bad for not doing them!) projects around the house, including a bedroom that for 7 years has had 3 different experimental paints (all on the same wall at the same time) and one wall of primer. I’ll get to it in the next 5 years, I’m sure. My projects are unfinished because I don’t feel like doing them, NOT because I’m working on all 12 at once. Actually I haven’t done much that I’d call “productive” with the house in about 2 years. It’s not a dump around here, but it’s definitely not sparkling and dust/laundry/dog-hair/clutter abound. I’m good at hiding it (like your house pictures look pristine), but it’s totally there. Finally, we’ve lived here for 7 years and I’ve only JUST finished unpacking boxes and still need to rearrange the entire house to decide how I want to use our space. In the meantime I’m going to read books and play videogames and go to hockey games and avoid said projects until I feel some kind of manic burst of motivation. Until it comes, it’s not worth even trying, because I’ll just get myself feeling like a loser for not accomplishing more.
Like I said, my experiences may not be helpful to you. But for what it’s worth, you’re not alone, and you’ve voiced feelings I’m sure many people have only ever internalized. Thank you.
Jenny, you are not alone. I am very fortunate that I do not suffer from depression or any other disorders. My children are “normal” and healthy (normal is determined by individual family standards). Recently, I’ve read a couple blogs that made me look at moms differently. The next time I see one of my fellow moms at the bus stop with stained yoga pants in no shoes throwing skittles into a lunch bag and calling it lunch, I’m going to look at her and nod as if to say, “Solidarity y’all.” I hope you read these and know that you can stop comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reels. This is what moms of the world really think!
http://bitchinsisters.wordpress.com/2013/08/29/back-to-school-pinterest-bitches/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-hatmaker/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever_b_3378480.html
P’s: when I say I am not depressed, it just means I have developed a way to not dwell or think of all my short comings…I just bury them and continue to fake it…every day…
This may sound incredibly harsh and insensitive but – it does you no good to keep tabs on the number of days you are happy or compare yourself to those shiny perfect people. Rarely are people one hundred percent happy. You are not alone in how you feel but you are alone in how you chose to deal with things each day. I say ‘you are alone’ for the fact that all the advice in the world won’t take away those bad thoughts unless you feel ready to let them go. If you must keep a tally then keep tabs on the amount of time each day that you are happy.
Spending time with your daughter wrapped in a blanket watching TV – sounds pretty darn good and way better than a PTA meeting. Dusty unpacked boxes? Clearly, you must not need what is in them to get by from day to day or you or your husband would have HAD to unpack !
I don’t mean to sound as though I do not understand – I have had my share of down days. Its just that I came to realize one day that life is too short to spend it in that dark place. Being out where it is sunny is so much better – not easy, just better. Find what makes you happy and stick with that. Thoughts that make you feel bad? Tell the devil to stop bugging you, he is not gonna drag you down!
What you’ve described is just what normal is. everyone has good days and bad days and somehow getting that stuck in MY head took me 45 years AND hitting rock bottom so many times I didn’t know there was anyplace else. I finally saw the light when I recognized the gremlins always whispering that I wasn’t good enough and repeating this to myself about 1000 times a day in a voice loud enough to drown out the gremlins: “Everything in the present moment is sufficient.”
Another crutch is to go back and re-watch Brene Brown’s Ted talk (which I learned about from you, dear girl) for about the 1000th time.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Whoa now…It’s only the 5th of September and you totally owned today with your 2000+ doses of love. It’s THE 5TH, fuck…you can coast for the rest of the month now and STILL come out on top! Genius!!
You have 25 days of smug satisfaction that today was the best. I’m absolutely signing up for this plan, and not only because I hear there are free steak knives if you sign on today.
Love.
2-3 days a month if I’m lucky. I think that it’s time for my meds to get boosted. Chronic pain totally exacerbates all of the stuff mental illness uses to fuck with you, too, so there’s that. I’m always totally confused when people are impressed with me unless it has to do with something that I did with yarn and/or glitter. Come to think of it, those are the days that I’m happiest.
Have you set a record for responses yet? Pretty clear that we all feel this way, to some degree or another. At least you’ve got ” I made a bunch of people snort milk/coffee/soda out their nose from laughing with me today”. That’s awesome! A reason to give today a check mark in the “good day” column.
You rock.
I feel the same way most days. And I think the dirty little secret of the world is that the shiny,pretty people have cracks, too. And perhaps sometimes, their pain is worse because they use the shiny prettiness to guard against any crack ever showing ever, because they can’t bear the thought of what might happen if it does. I think that those of us who are willing to say “here’s me – every broken inch of me. This is what I look like” – even if we sometimes find the energy to put lipstick on for a conference, or iron our slacks to go to the band concert – we’re US. Authentic, messy US. We’re not perfect, but we’re way ahead of the hard-laquered shiny ones – because we have thrown off the shackles of trying to be.
imposter syndrome – never heard it called that but that’s what i have. applies at work and at home, it’s just really hard to believe i do much of anything well. not enough time or energy to do everything i feel i should be. was shocked to hear from my family that my expectations of myself are nothing they’ve even though of. lesson here is i am the only one judging myself this way – the only one that matters anyway. have no idea if the people i don’t care about (i think they are in the pat) are judging me in any way at all. but i think they are.
i hide my dusty boxes better than you though. i’m rather obsessively tidy in areas anyone can see. just don’t open that room door that’s closed.
I try to swim at least a few days a week after I drop my kids off at school. There isn’t a single day that I swim that I don’t find myself recycling the same thoughts about getting certain things done. I think about how I should be editing my novel, or writing a new essay, or starting work on a new violin, or doing more with my kids…. And some days I think it will drive me crazy knowing that I swim mile after mile and never get anywhere either literally or figuratively.
Just existing, especially if you have other people in your home you love and who depend on you, takes up an inordinate amount of time. I don’t know why. It’s easy to drown in the mundane. So you are not alone at all. And you still manage to be more successful than many of us can hope to be, so you are ahead of the game no matter how unproductive you feel.
Thanks for this post. This is the kind of honesty I wish more people were brave enough to write.
I know that this is one comment among thousands by now, but I had to say that this post really helped me. I feel successful maybe 3 days a month. When I get compliments at work I know in my head that those people are wrong. They don’t know me. When my husband tells me how I take such good care of him, I tally up all the days he’s left work early because i’m having a panic attack. Or picked me up because my hands are shaking so badly I can’t drive. I think about how many times I haven’t gotten to clean the litter box that day, and I can’t and it’s too hard and how the pets all looked depressed because I can’t take care of them. And it all piles up, both in reality and in my head. But I nearly can’t believe how not alone I am. And it’s you, Jenny, who can be honest enough to let us know that and say it and believe it. Thank you.
Hi! First time commenter because this hits me where I live.
Like so many others have said, I think this is normal…to an extent. In my case, my anxiety was amplifying the insecurity and shame, and then I was flailing about in an attempt to regain some semblance of control, because I felt so out-of-control of my life on a daily basis. Like, I was making elaborate cleaning lists (because “it’s more manageable if you do it one bit at a time!”) and then a) getting pissed off that my husband was not on board with participating in this plan and b) deciding that I was one step away from having my child taken away from me, losing my house, and living under a bridge because I missed several days in a row of my assigned cleaning duties. And my reactions and stress level reflected this downward spiral. It wasn’t just the cleaning thing, either. Exercise, feeding myself (let alone the rest of my family), any sort of social obligation, spending time with my 2-year-old daughter…it all just turned into one big mountain of “I’m not good enough” suck. About all I could reliably do was show up for work on time, and that’s because we’re a single income family, and I’m it–if I couldn’t do that, we just might actually be living under a bridge!
I’m an analyst by trade (and by nature) so once I got a therapist, we picked apart (what felt like) every single one of these scenarios until I figured out my pattern. I still have these issues, but I’m better at recognizing them now, and once I realize “oh yeah, I’m doing that thing again” I’m learning to disengage and really look at the fear. There are a number of steps between “didn’t clean the toilet” and “living under a bridge,” and did I trust myself enough to turn things around at ANY ONE OF THEM? Yes, I thought I did–and if I didn’t, did I trust my husband/friends/people who care about me and who are in touch with me regularly to be like “hey, ya know, you’ve got a thing going on here, do you need some help?” And I did. That’s when I started feeling not-so-alone, and I think that’s when it started to get better.
Also, I read Brene Brown’s books. They’re all fantastic, but “I Thought It Was Just Me” was especially helpful to me, because it helped me see some of the larger social influences and structures that enable the constant pseudo-competitive measuring-up that I was doing. Quantifiably, it wasn’t just me, and it helped to know that too.
I get it. I live it. I love your bravery. Ok, I don’t know your belief system and I struggle with my faith but the Bible says that we were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy lives. We were created to be victorious. Could you imagine? That whole sin thing messed us all up in the beginning. Anyway, not here to preach to you, God knows I am as flawed as they come. Just want you to know that I rely on mercy and grace to bring me through each day. I love their definitions: mercy is not getting what we do deserve and grace is getting what we don’t deserve. Isn’t that awesome? Love you Jenny and pray for peace that passes human understanding.
Oh yea, and remember “Comparison is the thief of Joy”. Boy is it ever.
I am lucky that I do not struggle with mental illness. I am lucky to be smart and to be able to get my PHD when I was 54. I attended graduate school where Pauline Clance, the professor WHO WROTE ABOUT THE IMPOSTER SYNDROME, taught. Every day, still today when I have a relatively successful career, I am waiting for that tap on the shoulder and somebody says to me “WTF are YOU doing here??? you aren’t worthy and we KNOW what you are up to”. Every day I think I will get called to the principal’s office. I GET IT. I have boxes everywhere that likely will not get unpacked until I die. There is dog hair everywhere. I don’t’ always return phone calls.
there is no rule that says you have to be ANY sort of Mom except what you can be!!!
and… whether this helps or not….. YEARS ago, my therapist (i probably financed his kids’ first houses) told me that I needed to stop using the “F” word… FAULT. I have never forgotten it
Peace Jenny. Peace.
Having just transitioned from working full time to stay at home mom full time, I feel like a failure on a daily basis. I know my job is to make sure the baby is fed and clean, but I get mad at the pile of laundry, random piles of crap not put away, have completed knitting projects, etc…. I feel like I have done nothing
I refer to my home as a ‘clutter-fuck’.
Nope. I feel like I’m failing at life most of the time.
It’s SO not just you.
I feel this way QUITE often…right down to the managing to get to the bank comment.
Like seriously.
And I resent the PTA moms so much…because in addition to them being perfect, shiny pastel life people with what seems to be unlimited energy to pour into crap at the school…they have children that are “typical” (my son is special needs) and can reap the benefits of their hard work put in at school events that are not catered at all to children like my son (who would only be overstimulated and upset by the noise, lights, and sounds of the the school carnival etc.).
And then after having those resentful thoughts about the PTA moms, I hate myself even more for thinking them…and feel like even more of a failure.
It really isn’t just you…and 3 – 5 days a month is pretty great to me…honestly.
3-5 days a month I feel I’ve kicked ass
10 or so I just get to work and back
10 or so I feel pretty good
5 or so I really lay in front of the tv and watch whole season of pretty much anything pass before my eyes.
Sometimes I’ll do dishes when I’m supposed to be sewing on a project for a friend, or clean a room when I should be setting up for work. I’ll play with a ukulele when I really want to practice on my Cello. I seem to do anything and everything but whatever it is I’m supposed to do. Sometimes it works out, sometimes I let people down and don’t get things done when I’d like, but I plug away and get some things done some times. In then end that’s what I am and what I can do. 🙂
I don’t have depression or anxiety, or personality disorders, however I often end the day feeling guilty for not having done enough, or not doing as well as one of my friends. From the number of comments on here, I think it would be much stranger to never have these feelings.
I feel the same way much of the time. But, other people’s lives aren’t as perfect as they appear to us. Everybody has their own insecurities and fears and difficulties. Most of the time they don’t actually share them with you because they either want to keep up the appearance of being perfect or don’t want to appear weak compared to your own perceived perfection. I think it is so, so important to talk to people about stuff like this because you aren’t alone. No one is ever alone and no one should ever feel that way.
Even though I realize this, I still have major issues in day to day life. 🙁 If your thoughts and feelings of inadequacy get in the way of enjoying your life more than just occasionally (I feel sucktastic every day and I’d be super happy if I could get it down to maybe a few times a month) then it is time to change something. I have been trying to get enough courage together to go to my college’s health service to get a mental health consultation. I can’t stand living like this anymore but I am just so afraid to ask for help.
So, dear Bloggess, you are not alone.
P.S. I think I’m going to start telling people that I am arsonistic. That’s beautiful!
Honestly, I wouldn’t and don’t keep track of that. I try my hardest to just take each and every day as is. Some days I feel absolutely shitty, play video games, and sleep. Other days I’ll get a good test grade or go thrift shopping with my mom and I’ll feel pretty good..
Although I have to say there aren’t many days that I constantly feel like I’ve done anything “kick ass”. I’m really just waiting for college to start and for things to move forward.
Your blog is one thing that makes me feel like there are geeks or sarcastic people that are like me, and this blog is something I look forward to as soon as I log onto my computer. I know there isn’t too much I can say, but a little bit of advice would be to do something that isn’t work. Something creative and crafty to get your mind off of things for a while. Or watch Doctor Who until you’re so submersed that you’ve forgotten reality for even a little while.. Personally, I would chose Doctor Who.
In my opinion, you may setting the bar way too high. Huddling under the blanket, snuggling with your daughter is SUCCESS! Yeah, enjoying your family is fabulous.
I have a couple of kick ass days a month. A couple of Saturdays ago I did my radio show, covered the show after that, went mountain biking while my car was being serviced, took a shower, then went to visit my MIL in the hospital. Woohoo, amazing productivity. We were 3 1/2 hours late to the fundraising BBQ, but hey, you can’t win them all.
I like La Leche League’s motto of “People before things.” Snuggling with your daughter is more important than doing to dishes. Keep in mind I’m the woman who chose knotty pine flooring so spills look like just another knothole, and I chose grey grout in the bathrooms so the mildew doesn’t show. 🙂
You feel bad if you’ve only been to the bank that day? If I’ve been to the bank I feel like a responsible grown-up for being proactive about my debts. Especially if I got through the visit without crying. Going to the bank makes me feel like a productive, participating member of society and like I’m getting all sorts of shit together. Apparently I’m aiming a bit low here.
I regularly feel as if I fail at life. But when I do actually take steps to stop being a fuck-up, I feel proud for at least trying.
Unfortunately the next reminder that I’m a fuck-up usually isn’t far away; and then my head decides to re-run every time I’ve proven myself to be socially incompetent, just to remind me how much I should hate myself. Don’t you hate it when your brain decides to kick you when you’re down?
I read your post today and had to send you note because this was exactly how I was feeling today. A friend gave me a coffee mug with a woman dressed perfectly for work while jugging a soccer ball and the inscription said “Tracy – I can do it all!” She meant it – and meant for it to be a compliment but all I could think is that I really had people fooled if they think this – what an impostor I am because inside I feel overwhelmed and like my house of cards will come crashing down at any point. (I even blogged about it – 2 posts so not really a blog as much as a couple of stories on the internet :)) Today in particular I felt like – am I doing the job I should be doing? Am I spreading myself too thin? What’s it all about? You know – the “little questions”. Am I having a midlife crisis – I have no idea but I’d say most people feel this way because we’re all just trying to the best we can and we wonder sometimes if that’s enough. Here’s what I can tell you (and I know you were sincere when you said you weren’t fishing for compliments) – I read your post about Beyonce last April and laughed out loud. I thought it was one of the funniest damn things I’d ever read – truly (well that and your post about being in HR). My father died about a week after I read it. When I was with my mom in the days after he died there was so much grief. They were married for almost 50 years and still very happy to be together when he suddenly passed. We needed something to break the sadness and crying so I asked her if I could read something funny. She was game – she needed a break too – and we started reading Beyonce out loud together. Well let me tell you – we laughed so hard we had to keep stopping to breathe and pull ourselves together. Best laugh we’d ever had. Emotions were running high but in that time that we read your post, we got a reprieve from the pure sadness and experience pure joy. So if you’re ever wondering if what you do makes a difference, I can tell you from personal experience that it does. And you make a difference to many, many people. Keep writing from your heart – it’s a gift girl – keep using it! It’s ok if it’s hard and a struggle – we all struggle – we’re all just doing the best we can each and every day! We love ya! PS – read Brene Brown’s writing on the Gifts of Imperfection – great stuff (we’re not meant to perfect – not even close)!
You just described my life.
I think you have enough comments but I wanted to weigh in anyway.
1) All the perfect, pastel people with matching napkins have their own issues, they are just not issues that keep them from blow drying their hair and getting matching napkins.
2) I also frequently feel this way, but I too have some anxiety/depression/perfection issues, so my guess is that it isn’t normal and perhaps we should do some med adjusting! 🙂
I have the same problem, I can go through weeks without feeling like I have done anything worth while and there is no point in me being around. But the days when I feel good about myself turn into something special since they don’t happen very often
Wow, you just summed up life! I think all of us, especially women, feel this way. Sheryl Sandberg writes about imposter’s syndrome in Lean In, and I (as a woman working in a male-dominated field) definitely feel it. People only post their best selves on Pinterest and are struggling as much as the rest of us. And I don’t have depression or any mental illness history, so it’s not because of that. We just all don’t know what we are doing and we fake it ’till we make it!
You are definitely not alone. You are describing me as well.
I have a platitude on my phone that I try to keep in mind on day
like this. “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we
compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s
highlight reel”.
It doesn’t make my ADD, anxiety or insecurities go away
but I try to keep in mind that other people do not always
have their shit as together as they let on.
Keep on blogging and look after yourself. We need you.
I have bipolar disorder (that mostly manifests in depression), a lot of anxiety about a lot of different things, and migraines that take me out for anywhere from a couple of days to over a week at a time, and if there’s an entire non-contiguous week during any given month that I feel competent and productive, I figure I’m doing well that month.
I feel like even my good or great days are about a quarter of what a “normal” person gets done on an average day. Today I mostly laid on the couch, pretty much the whole day.
So, no, as the 2000 other people have also said, it’s definitely not just you.
I think most people feel like they are barely making it through each day. We’re guilted at every turn about what we aren’t doing and almost never giving ourselves credit for what we are doing. We have huge expectations for ourselves. Blah, blah, blah.
Life isn’t a contest. Most of us are doing the best we can. And those who don’t bother to do the best they can? So what? There are no rules saying you have to live life a certain way.
my rules? Make yourself as happy as you can. Try not to feel guilty about what other people think you should do. Don’t postpone joy. Life rewards action, but some days getting out of bed is about the only action I can take.
What you do or do not do does not determine your worth as a human being. You are sharing who you are with the entire world, that takes a huge amount of courage. Give yourself credit for that and fuck the PTA.
Just wanted to add another voice saying it’s not just you. 3-4 days a month sounds generous to me, and as far as I’m aware I don’t have any diagnosable depression/anxiety disorders (not that I’ve bothered to properly look into that, that would require making more things happen in a day). Glad to see this is relatively normal, at least amongst this community. Wish I wasn’t crying now though. Also this “impostor syndrome” is intriguing, I’ve always tried to convince people I’m not smart, just good at taking tests so it made it appear that I was.
You could have written this about me except that I haven’t written a book. I just think humorous thoughts that I share on FB…as I think about starting a blog…and then don’t. Either I’m the only one who is (somewhat) honest about parenting/life meltdowns or everyone else has their $h!t together and only fart rainbows and unicorns.
I haven’t actually counted the days I feel successful; there are moments, throughout good days, when I can look at what I do and think, “I totally rock this job,” but then I think that I never meant to be sitting in a desk in an office with no windows, and although I’ve written three or four complete books I can’t find anyone interested in publishing them and I don’t dare try self-publishing because I don’t have the first idea how to market myself or “drive sales” and I’d lose all the money I put into it, and I struggle to make that money in the office job I’m actually pretty good at because I can’t keep control over my wallet and I buy too much crap that I don’t need and I have to stand on my own neck to keep myself from going into serious debt AGAIN (having managed to barely crawl out from under the LAST time I did this)….
And then I read your hilarious posts and they can make me laugh and cry and wish I could be even a tenth as together as you are and I think everyone sees themselves so very differently from how others see them, and I sit and wonder how my team sees me when they look at me, do they think I’m together and I know what I’m doing, or do they realize I’m constantly terrified that I’ll screw up even the office job I think I’m pretty good at and then there won’t be any money coming in and I’ll ruin everything I’ve built and all because I can’t stop buying stupid toys I don’t need…
And so, in short, you are so not alone…
It’s not just you, and it’s not just depression and anxiety. I recently saw a comic that showed a progression of women in the first panel, from a young girl, through her teenage years, her 20s, 40s, and 60s or 70s. In the next panel, all the women had turned, and you saw the same young girl just holding the images of the older, more mature women up. To me, the comic spoke to the nearly constant feeling that we are really all just faking it ’til we make it. I just got my PhD a little over a year ago, so I think on any measure I’d be seen as successful from the outside. But I spent the first year after my PhD thinking I was all wrong for the postdoc I’m in, constantly feeling behind and too slow, and just generally getting the disheartening feeling that I’d never measure up. And the thing that helped me, in addition to making time for regular exercise like walks with my dog, and swimming in the local pool, was finally saying “Fine, fuck it. If I don’t measure up, so be it. I’m going to do what I like and make time for myself, and if that doesn’t make me good at my job, I’ll find another job.” Ever since I’ve felt better about my work, and better about the times I don’t work, because I don’t constantly feel guilty for taking time away from the “things I should be doing.”
Anyway, from out here, you look like you’re doing pretty well: a daughter successfully loved, clothed and fed, a husband who certainly seems amusing from this angle and who loves to tolerate you :), a job writing stories that so clearly bring you joy, even when sometimes you don’t generate anything you think is worth anything, and a wide community of people who hang on your words for their humor, their honesty, and their integrity.
So, if you can, go a little easier on yourself. And if you can’t, go outside and sit in the sun, and watch the birds chirp and the squirrels dart, and think about them instead of everything else that you could think about.
I get where you’re coming from. I’ve suffered from severe anxiety since childhood & I’ve come to realize one thing that helps me step back from the ledge, so to speak: There is nothing that I experience that hasn’t been experienced by every single other person on the planet. The difference is, people with mental illness maybe can’t push the bad stuff away. Or we feel like we can’t trust our perceptions because our emotions are completely at odds with our thoughts. We have enough problems without bringing the perceived judgements of others into it. Everyone is lost. Some people are just better at hiding it.
I’m just learning to accept that it doesn’t make me a failure as a human being because I get nauseated at the thought of prolonged public social interactions. My friends don’t necessarily get it, but they accept me as I am. And really, it’s such a relief to be able to be honest about myself.
So basically, you’ll be fine. You’re not hurting anyone. This is just the way you need to approach life. It’s challenging, exhausting & terrifying. But if you’re like me, the bad days make the good ones that much more precious.
On a side note, you’ve been a very real inspiration to me.
Hi Jenny,
I also suffer from depression although it is well-treated. I wear an engraved “Choose Life” bracelet all the time because things have gotten really bad a few times. There is something my psychiatrist said to me last year that really helped me. “Everything everyone does all the time is to manage their mood. We all want to feel good and we constantly make choices to feel good or, at least, feel better.” He also said that some days he feels ambitious so he’ll push himself and other days he knows he needs to be gentle and forgiving of himself and “just stay home and eat cookies.”
I’ve been paying attention to this. Even things that we of that might not seem to make us feel good or better are really just avoiding feeling bad (like cleaning the litter box or paying the electric bill). Also, I think people that are super-duper ambitious and productive are walking a fine line with their moods. Same for the amazingly fit or people who do amazing feats like swim the English Channel. All mood management strategies. Obviously, some strategies are healthier than others. Whose to say the PTA mom’s strategy is “better”? That’s just her way of doing it.
Good luck with working through this. So many of us know what it feels like to know something with our rational minds (ie. you’re an amazing success – you’ve changed so many lives including mine and you’ve done it all with mental illnesses. You’re a hero. You are the goddamn motherfucking superhero of your own life! This is truth.) but not FEEL it with our emotional minds.
Thanks for writing about this. We all need to remember to lose the “perfection personas”. It’s not helping anyone.
Okay. First of all, I tried to comment once and hit enter at the wrong time and it gave me an error. I’m off to a great start.
I finished grad school last December, and despite now having a full-time job with benefits and welcoming a bright, bouncing baby boy into the world, I still feel like I’m trying to get back to where I was before–I remember that I used to have energy, call people back, show up early for work, exercise three times a week . . . I do basically none of that now. Long story short, I haven’t really felt successful at life for about eight months now. I’m still holding out for a breakthrough or a sudden restoration of my previous vivaciousness, but I’m coming to realize that it’s probably just going to be one long slog through the mud.
I list my accomplishments very rarely, to keep track of my good days would be, an excess of an excuse. I could say I get 8 days of apathy. I smile though I do not jump for joy very often.
If I am lucky I get 15 days of ok, if I am self inflictive zero…..
I started on the road of buddha because I had read it a large religion had proven to stabilize mentally ill people, and not via force. It teaches about things such as the 8 fold path, which means right speech right thoughts right diet and 5 other ways of righting oneself. Though more still It taught me about this aspect,
You have four bodies, most people know 2. mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. it helps knowing this for me.
I have always known of this statement, “Healthy mind healthy body.”
My mom never helped me with my homework, maybe once, she did teach me how to read.
Diet, that is important, a major aspect of my nuttiness, stemmed from wheat and peanut butter. I have had to work my butt off to keep mostly stable, right now I sit in a storm, knowing my last 4 years of stability are being washed away by a bank and a procrastinator. though I will do what i can to move forward still, and to forget those beings.
A big aspect forgiveness and taking responsibility Ditch those that truly make you crazy, then forgive them and slowly forget their Suckseggs. You cannot right yourself if someone is always tipping you, as good as their intentions are.
I’d never heard of imposter syndrome, which I now find hilarious, because it’s obviously so very ME. It’s like I cannot even read my own resume – I can see the words but I swear they don’t reach my brain, somehow. I’m awful at “selling myself” – which particularly sucks if you’re a creative type, and like to eat. I suspect this was originally predicated by my being adopted, and also “thinking too damned much.” I’ve learned to outwardly accept a compliment, but inside I always feel like I’ve just gotten lucky, or simply done something so easy any fool could do it, or I’ve somehow tricked them into thinking I’m smarter or more talented than I actually am. After years of therapy and meds, it was cognitive behavioral therapy (questioning my thoughts) that has finally brought me some modicum of relief, but it’s not totally cured, not by a long shot. I wish you all the best in your struggle. You are definitely not alone.
I think that most people feel a sense of failure on a regular basis and we compare ourselves to each other, often feeling like we come up short. I have a PhD, but I’m single so I sometimes feel like a failure; I wrote a dissertation, but I can’t seem to get anything published and I feel bad every time I try to write something…but I teach writing to high school students and I write tons of things for my job that people love; I hate a lot of social situations and get very anxious before them, but I head an organization that requires me to run lots of very social things (dear god, it’s a two year tenure and I’m only one year into it – shoot me now!). I guess my point is that there are many days when I just want to stay in bed. I think the fact that you [me/we] struggle and keep on trying (even if it is just going to the bank) means that you are actually very “very good at being a person.” And, for someone who views herself through this lens of failure after failure, you’ve managed to inspire 1000s of people, be a voice for mental illness, raise a daughter, have a great marriage, motivate people who have never met your to be kinder, friendlier and more caring, and break the internet on a regular basis. I am afraid if you were more successful, you would implode. Remember, the voices in your head are just the voices in your head – tell them to be quiet for a change.
I have anxiety & depression and a 6 week old baby and postpartum depression, too (treated with medication & about to start counseling). I don’t even feel like I’ve had 3 or 4 successful hours in the last month. I’m impatient with my 4 year old, snappy at my supportive husband and our cats are lucky to be fed & have their litter scooped – they haven’t had any attention in about 6 weeks. I tell myself everyday, Jenny, that depression lies and so does postpartum depression.
We show others only what we want them to see. That’s how we can create “perfect” lives on Facebook. That, in fact, is my only reason for having an account. I can create a life there that is happy and “normal.”
Behind closed doors, I think we all suffer from the same feelings of inadequacies… You are not alone.
Hugs.
So….it seems you’re human, like the rest of us. Maybe someone (or several people) have said this already. I’m too lazy to read all 2168 comments. Whoever is telling you they feel AWESOME every day is lying or faking it to fool themselves into feeling it. If it’s the latter, then they’re just human, too and using whatever skills and tricks they can to make themselves feel like those people that live in pinterest-land or beer commercials. Pinterest and beer commercial people aren’t real. They just have fun sometimes (and get paid to do so – right on for them!) and it gets captured and we all wonder wtf we’re doing that we’re all missing out. You, missy, make those who read your blog feel much better about themselves and make us laugh often. These are two amazing attributes. I, for one, am happy you are alive. Cheers to you. Rock on!!
I cannot thank you enough for this post.
I also feel this way most of the time. 3-4 days a month of feeling like I actually get more done than just consuming and existing would be a good month. I’d never heard of Imposter syndrome, but oh my god I feel that way. I’m a post-grad student and though I got fairly consistently good grades throughout my undergrad degree and was awarded first-class honours I am absolutely convinced it was all some sort of fluke – that I was lucky, that the examiners felt sorry for me, etc.
Though I hope you find some way out of feeling this shitty all the time, it is tremendously comforting to know that someone that I respect and admire as much as you also has these insecurities and struggles. Solidarity in insecurity, sister. You give me hope.
Thank you thank you thank you!
I realize I’m comment two thousand and something, but I hope that I can add my reassurances as well. I am an adult without any diagnosed mental illnesses, who is generally succeeding at what I’m doing (working a couple jobs, including teaching high school, having a boyfriend I adore, keeping up with family and friends). My coworkers, friends and family assure me on a regular basis that I am doing wonderfully and that they admire my accomplishments. However, I feel, like you, that I’m only pretending to be a normal, functioning adult. I usually have bills that I’ve ignored or forgotten, I only clean my apartment when I absolutely can’t avoid it any longer, I put off responsibilities and freak out about normal things like grabbing drinks with friends when there’s a possibility that someone I may not know will be there. I keep myself awake thinking of the things I should have done that day (or week, or month, or whatever), but still don’t do them. My solution to most problems is to hide from them or drink enough to put them from my mind.
You are NORMAL. I am normal. Everyone that has posted here tonight is normal. Its just that normal means stressed and disorganized and worried and weird and beautiful and afraid of failing and FINE.
Something that makes me feel better is going to news websites and reading the comments section. It always makes me think, “Well, at least I’m not that dumb/sad/lonely/liberal/conservative/crazy/religious/misguided/ignorant/uninformed/delusional.”
I also have anxiety and depression, and I have finally accepted that sometimes in the cycle I will just have a string of days or weeks when I’m low. And nothing can fix it except time. And that’s okay, because eventually I come back up to baseline again. But for those low days, I lie on the couch and eat ice cream out of the carton and watch “A Muppet Christmas Carol” nonstop. I can’t anticipate when the cycle will repeat, but I know it will. That sounds sad in itself, but that expectation helps me deal with it when it happens. I know I’ll be useless for a little while but it won’t last forever, and if I don’t do anything else, I CAN wait it out.
I think that the idea of who we are being vastly different from what others see (or what we think others see) is quite common. For me, personally, that feeling is largely about how I interact with other people in social situations. For most of my life, I saw myself as this introspective, socially inept person who could fake her way through a social situation, like a party where I don’t really know anyone. My internal monologue always ran along the lines of “I don’t know anyone here. He/She seems cool, I should just say “Hello.” But why would that cool person want to talk to me? If I say anything, I’m going to look stupid.” However, I’m aware that, in social situations, you’re expected to be social and sit quietly in the corner. Consequently, I learned fairly early to basically interview other people – “So, where are you from? Really, you’re from Columbia/Puerto Rico/Michigan? Wow, how did you end up here? Blah, blah, blah, etc.” – because most people love to talk about themselves. Imagine my surprise when more than one person told me how confident and outgoing I seem. For longest time, I couldn’t believe that people would think that about me because it wasn’t me, it was just a mask I put on when I had to and I was obviously a big fake. It’s only in the last few years that I realized and accepted that it wasn’t just a mask I wore – it’s actually a part of who I am.
My point is that the part of you that you think is the fraud, the successful, funny, talented person that other people compliment you on, is actually a part of you, just like the anxious person with depression. It’s just harder to embrace that view of yourself because that little voice in your head lies to you and tells you that it isn’t who you really are. Sic Copernicus and Juanita on that little bastard.
Thank you for this post! At the moment, I’d tell you I feel productive and like a useful human being about once every couple of months. I go through phases regularly where I start to freak out and think I’m a waste of space. The voices at the back of my mind choose to ignore the fact that I’ve got a degree, good friends, and an extremely supportive and loving family in the form of parents and big brother. They instead start screaming that I’m 27, single with no prospect of anyone ever loving me, and have a job that I hate without any luck thus far in finding another one or figuring out what I want to actually be when I grow up. Oh, and maybe those friends don’t actually like me after all. I can’t say I’ve worked out a real coping method for these times yet, but I wanted to say thanks for the openness about what your struggling with. These feelings threatened to overwhelm me this morning and it’s so encouraging to know how many other people deal with these issues.
It’s not just you- it’s all of us! Modern life is hard. We are conditioned to be “perfect”- whatever the fuck that is. I would much rather be the person who spends all day watching Dr. Who than twisting myself into knots being the perfect shiny fake person who spends their whole life worrying about being perfect. Let go of that. Being awesome is about being able to appreciate the beautiful ordinary. That first cup of coffee in the morning, watching the cats play, spending time with the people you love…the list is endless. Who gives a shit about the fake peeps? Not us. You will finish your 2nd book when you are ready. Don’t worry about it. And so what if you don’t write it? You have this awesome blog and make people laugh and think every day. How is that not writing? Maybe this blog is your book. And endless awesome book.
” However, I’m aware that, in social situations, you’re expected to be social and sit quietly in the corner.”
Make that, “and NOT sit quietly in the corner.”
Ok so I’m just going to say it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. While I don’t feel perfect I feel a LOT better than I used to. I used to suffer from severe depression and I took a number of steps and slowly crawled my way out of it. Some were diet related, some were experience-related (like woman within.org), some were books (like the happiness trap), some were supplements (like cod liver oil, seriously!) and some was specific kinds of therapy (like for PTSD) I still have tough days but I think they are Closer to the tough days everyone else has. And yes my house is usually a mess
I feel successful about 2 days a month and an imposter the rest of the days. To hear someone else say it makes me feel relieved. Many days at work, even though I am competent, all I can think, is wow if only they could read my mind…see how disorganized my house is…know how much anxiety I have that driving a different route to work ruins my entire day.
There are so many people like you. I’m kind of like you and I know many people who are really, really like you.
I grew up on outside Boston during the 70’s and 80’s. Massachusetts is a tough state to grow up in academically because there are so many good universities, the uni you go to becomes a badge of who you are. Not only that, but I discovered during my junior and senior year of high school that classmates whom I considered friends played relentless mind games about how attractive they were to the prospective univeristy(ies) of their choice and how hard those schools were to get into. I was smart, but not into being competitive that way. It sucked.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’d left the East Coast to fester in its own underhanded competitiveness and moved to Berkeley, CA. I discovered really smart people, some who did get stuff done, others who didn’t. I worked for a couple years at a diner alongside Cal grads and high-school dropouts, the latter of which were often as smart, sometimes smarter, than the Cal grads (many of whom were my friends). This was my first revelation of the lie of “supposed to & should” in which East Coasters are so indoctrinated.
Later, I became a teacher and taught young adults. As a student, I always had the impression that most of my teachers really had it together. I discovered that that isn’t true either. Teachers are just the same as the rest of us. They are on public display more, so the stuff that HAS to get done, the stuff that would out them as hopelessly disorganized or forgetful or plain old exhausted, does get done. They keep up the appearance, but underneath it all they are not the super organized do-ers that we think they are.
Also, I watched my students, and how they lived and organized their lives. Remember, I work with young adults. Some of them **really** are only just barely productive, for a variety of reasons. Many are kinda productive, usually when under some kind of pressure to get things done. A rare few are actually on top of things the way that we’d like to be ourselves – doing homework early, attending conferences or other professional development events, and seemingly smoothly juggling home life, social life, and school life.
As for me? I am my own worst enemy. I teach irregular hours during the week. When I am at home, I don’t get much done and I feel guilty and ashamed about it. Sometimes I forget to do basic things like mail bills on time, other times I remember but am paralyzed with – I don’t know what – but I’m paralyzed and can’t deal. My salvation is my classroom work. I can’t NOT do class prep and grading (tho’ I can seriously procrastinate about it). The interaction I have with my students gives me great satisfaction and I know I am doing something right when I see them making progress with their studies and becoming more comfortable with themselves as people. I try to be very honest with my students, and tell them that most people are not super organized and even professors write papers at the last minute.
Honestly, I feel like I am productive for a few hours each day, 3 or 4 days a week. It’s definitely not 8 hours/day. I suspect I’d benefit from ADD drugs or anti-depressants, but I can’t get myself moved enough to make an appointment and go to the doctor. I wish I were more productive, organized, motivated, but I’ve found a level I’m ok enough with.
So no, you ***really*** are not alone.
XOXO
Huh. I failed at commenting. Didn’t answer the questions. Days I feel like I’m doing good at life. one or two. Mostly I feel guilty about not having … uh I can’t tell you what ’cause I’m using my real name. I’m older than you. And I have to say that the older I’ve gotten the less shitty I feel about myself, and that’s hopeful. But mostly that’s because I challenge societies definitions about what makes a good person and what I “should” be doing. Fuck that. Deciding what to make for dinner is enough to send me over the edge.
I try to be kind to myself. I don’t call myself names. I also eat food I shouldn’t for comfort and I’m addicted to diet orange soda. I don’t exercise even though I should for my health. I’m not winning at life – in fact I’m failing financially. But I try to take things day by day and be kind to myself. That’s all.
You are SO not alone. In fact, I just read this blog post today: http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1 which I thought was wonderfully written and a reminder that we need to not compare ourselves to the Pinterest people and general others we may compare ourselves to. I’m successful maybe 5-6 days of the month. Maybe. On a good month. So yeah, you aren’t alone. I wish I knew how to be better too.
Two things. One, the absolute flipside of the positives of the internet–social media that is supportive, etc. etc. is the opposite–trolls, plus the whole idea that there is that perfect person out there, because she tweets her perfect PTA self, and puts her fantabulous life events on FB, and pins all things perfect. It’s not real, and you shouldn’t let it make you feel worse. Two, yes, so many of us have these issues, but you can get more “imposter-less” days per month through radical self acceptance. If you can accept a really wild and wonderful taxidermy menagerie, believe me, you can accept your awesome, smart, funny self. It doesn’t make the depression or anxiety go away completely, but it knocks them on their ass.
Maybe 2-3 days a month I feel like my life isn’t so bad. Sometimes I’ll get a whole week or even two if things are going really awesome. But I don’t feel accomplished. I always feel like I’m struggling for some norm that I’m not sure is even there.
For me, the calm comes in knowing that almost no one is actually fully content. In particular crappy, doubting times, I like to people watch, and imagine the awful life they are going back to. That shiny, plastic PTA mom? (Yeah, you know the one) She’s going home to wait for her husband that “works” late with his secretary. That perfect looking, always put together, clear-thinking-head-on-her-shoulders woman that you always think, “I wish I could be that calm…” She’s going to the nursing home after work to care for her ailing mother and cries in the shower where no one can hear her.
This may all sound cynical and depressing, and I realize that these are all made up stories about random strangers. The little exercise of “back storied people watching” is mostly to remind myself that everyone has their issues. Some are better at covering it up than others, but in the end, I think most people feel like they are struggling for that feeling of accomplishment and a happy life.
It’s all about figuring out how to deal with it and take pleasure in the simple joys. Like kittens. Lots and lots of kittens! Cookies… Tea… Flowers… a warm fuzzy blanket on a cold night. Those things. People watching helps get me out of a slump, but the little things keep me from falling back down too far. So, grab a kitten, some fuzzy slippers, a cookie and some tea, and read a book! (Or watch dumb cat videos on Youtube… since your hands will be full… what with the kitten and tea… and cookie… you need to grow a third hand for the cookie… and a fourth to work the mouse to start the videos… and I’m going to stop now ’cause I’m rambling…)
There are so many people like you. I’m kind of like you and I know many people who are really, really like you.
I grew up on outside Boston during the 70’s and 80’s. Massachusetts is a tough state to grow up in academically because there are so many good universities, the uni you go to becomes a badge of who you are. Not only that, but I discovered during my junior and senior year of high school that classmates whom I considered friends played relentless mind games about how attractive they were to the prospective univeristy(ies) of their choice and how hard those schools were to get into. I was smart, but not into being competitive that way. It sucked.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’d left the East Coast to fester in its own underhanded competitiveness and moved to Berkeley, CA. I discovered really smart people, some who did get stuff done, others who didn’t. I worked for a couple years at a diner alongside Cal grads and high-school dropouts, the latter of which were often as smart, sometimes smarter, than the Cal grads (many of whom were my friends). This was my first revelation of the lie of “supposed to & should” in which East Coasters are so indoctrinated.
Later, I became a teacher and taught young adults. As a student, I always had the impression that most of my teachers really had it together. I discovered that that isn’t true either. Teachers are just the same as the rest of us. They are on public display more, so the stuff that HAS to get done, the stuff that would out them as hopelessly disorganized or forgetful or plain old exhausted, does get done. They keep up the appearance, but underneath it all they are not the super organized do-ers that we think they are.
Also, I watched my students, and how they lived and organized their lives. Remember, I work with young adults. Some of them **really** are only just barely productive, for a variety of reasons. Many are kinda productive, usually when under some kind of pressure to get things done. A rare few are actually on top of things the way that we’d like to be ourselves – doing homework early, attending conferences or other professional development events, and seemingly smoothly juggling home life, social life, and school life.
As for me? I am my own worst enemy. I teach irregular hours during the week. When I am at home, I don’t get much done and I feel guilty and ashamed about it. Sometimes I forget to do basic things like mail bills on time, other times I remember but am paralyzed with – I don’t know what – but I’m paralyzed and can’t deal. My salvation is my classroom work. I can’t NOT do class prep and grading (tho’ I can seriously procrastinate about it). The interaction I have with my students gives me great satisfaction and I know I am doing something right when I see them making progress with their studies and becoming more comfortable with themselves as people. I try to be very honest with my students, and tell them that most people are not super organized and even professors write papers at the last minute.
Honestly, I feel like I am productive for a few hours each day, 3 or 4 days a week. It’s definitely not 8 hours/day. I suspect I’d benefit from ADD drugs or anti-depressants, but I can’t get myself moved enough to make an appointment and go to the doctor. I wish I were more productive, organized, motivated, but I’ve found a level I’m ok enough with.
So no, you ***really*** are not alone.
XOXO
So feel the same. I feel like a fraud alot of days. I have been working on taking care of me. It hasn’t been easy but its helping I think. I am not diagnosed with any mental illnesses ….yet. I think we all feel this way. Only some of us are brave enough to say it out loud. My good days are good, the rest are mediocre. I discussed with my sister complaining I was a glass half empty girl….she asked what I was worried about…its just a glass
I feel like you most of the time, all of the time? A lot of the time. I have depression and anxiety, currently not on meds, contemplating going back on. How many days a week? I can’t even measure in days, its in hours, in increments, Individual moments.
I just got a raise this week – kind of out of the blue my bosses said, “oh, by the way….” – I’m pretty much sure I’m about to be fired at least once a week, I stay up nights, I apologize constantly to my husband “I’m sorry, ’cause I fucked up at work today and they will probably fire me soon….” this is THE BEST JOB I’VE EVER HAD, its so awesome and logically I know its the best fit for a career I’ve ever had too – and I spend most of my life second guessing, wondering why I suck, wondering if I should be persuing career path X, Y, and Z (’cause I’m 33 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up) contemplating ways to jump ship before they realize how much I suck and that they hate me. So that was my reaction to a raise (ask for a raise? Like the books tell me? are you fucking kidding? I don’t think I deserve to get paid!). I feel like I accomplish nothing. I worry constantly that I’m “failing life”. I spend a lot of time thinking everyone else is doing better then me, having more fun, accomplishing loads more, having good careers and family lives, and vacations, and creating things artistically more/better then I am, and exercising, and eating healthier, and they probably had enough self esteem to negotiate a better deal on a new car, and everyone actually finished college rather then drop out after 6 years….. the list is just endless.
I think when you peel back the walls, peek behind the Facebook posts and the perfect Christmas card photos everyone secretly feels this way. Maybe for some of us with anxiety this is more acute. I know my husband decided to get off Facebook recently, he said it just made him “sad” a lot of the time – if I’m really honest I think it makes me feel bad about myself more then it makes me feel connected to people and I should get off it too. Its sort of like how I noticed when we got rid of cable how I “needed” less stuff suddenly. Most of my really good friends, my REAL friends, let me in on the secret that they are “failing” life too.
You have from what I can see a beautiful, smart, kind daughter and loving husband and POOL! (I’ve always wanted a pool!) and you write and your pets seems well cared for and loved. I know I only see the “made for the blog” side of your life but…For perspective I really really want another dog but feel I can’t be fair to one (so I don’t have one) and I’m guilt ridden about the lack of time I spend with our cats – kids!!!??? There is no way on this earth I could have a kid no matter how much I might like one (I might). I love to write and in the last 10 years I made a blog I was too embarrassed to take off “private” setting and wrote maybe 5 pages worth of material I’d be willing to share with another soul. We don’t have a pool, we don’t own a house, it was a big deal last week when we got our first ever car loan – at 33 and 36 – and it was for a used car for god sake! – and we were up all night positively sick with worry that we were buying the wrong car and making a terrible mistake and our credit wasn’t good enough and the payment would be too high and the car might turn out to be a lemon and we didn’t even ask for a better price because we were too scared. Yeah, everyone feels like this.
I think we live in a society that holds nothing sacred. We have to be good at everything!! Remember the day when we didn’t have to do it all. Now I am expected to clean house with only green products, prepare all the meals, raise kind and productive children, chair fundraisers, decorate the house worthy of a magazine spread, be a modern woman (make all the decisions without acting like you do), prepare for chemical weapons attacks, end hunger, eat only organic on a budget…all while I clear a salary of at least $50,000. And I am supposed to like it and claim I am happy about it. Cut yourself some slack and don’t let the idiots dictate your worth or your accomplishments! I am happy I get out of bed and give a shit. I do my best. And if THEY don’t like…then they can do it!
To my knowledge I don’t have any mental illness at this time and I feel like this a lot. Fuck, I’m the president of our PTO and I still feel like loser about the goofball verbal diarrhea that could NOT be turned off as I “ran” the meeting. That was two nights ago. It is not just you. Nobody has all of it together but we only see a slice of their life.
I am so proud of you for speaking out. There is nothing wrong with voicing how you feel. It makes the healing process get easier. You are an amazing person whether you feel like it or not. You are making the world a better place just because you are you. And here is a secret for you. We all are worried that we are not as good as we can be. No one on this earth is perfect. That is what makes us all equal. Keep your chin up lady; you have an army of Lawsbians to keep you company. 🙂
I’ve never commented on a blog before, but this post makes SO MUCH SENSE to me.
I look around at all the shit my peers are able to do, and I’m like, welp, I put on pants with a button today? yay?
I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was the little kid in play therapy, because school made me so nervous I threw up almost every day of first grade. I’m also kind of a perfectionist. Not the cool kind that actually gets shit done though. I’m the kind that is so aware of potential failure that I never get anything started. If I don’t do anything, then I can’t fail.
I spent the past few years treading water. I have the most amazing husband in the world, and gave birth to my daughter in April. Then my husband deployed. Now, I spend an unbelievable amount of time worrying that my daughter will think my behavior is normal. That scares me. I want her to be confident in her own abilities. I hate to think that she’ll measure herself against others the way I do. Basically every day I have to remind myself that pinterest-types aren’t usually real. I never had homemade, twee birthday parties/first days of school pictures/halloweens. But I thought, and still think, that my mom fucking rocks.
So every time I start to let the vampires creep in (LOVE that show btw…A Way Back to Then makes me cry 100% of the time) I stop and remind myself that they are bullshit. I don’t give any of the fucks that my house isn’t photo worthy, or that I’m wearing yoga pants, or that I’m not working outside the home making all of the money. I’m not great at getting things done, but I’m awesome at loving people. I am bad ass at karaoke. I know a humiliating amount about Star Wars, role playing games, and fantasy books. I make my husband laugh every day.
I still only get about one day a week where I go to bed content, but it’s a start.
How to answer….. most days, I feel pretty OK about how I’m doing. Yes, there are bits of my life that are dingy and not the way I’d like them to be, but I see (sometimes sssslllllllooooooowwww) progress- even in those areas- over time. I think that one of the reasons that I usually feel OK is that I seem to have a pretty deep acceptance of the flawed nature of all human beings (including myself.)
One thing that I would say is that you should be careful to not judge your insides against other people’s outsides. I’m a PTA mom, as are many of my closest friends. We’re a totally fucked up bunch of people, just like…. everybody else.
Dear Jenny, here are some things to consider.
1- You wrote and published a book. It was extremely successful.
2- If you never finish another book it will not make your first book less of a success.
3- If you publish another book and it is not successful that will not make your first book less of a success.
4- If you publish another book it does not have to be better than your first in order for it to be successful.
5- You have proven yourself to be a gifted writer, so it is likely that if you publish a second book it will be successful.
I think that we all compare ourselves with other people and think that we are not doing as well as them. If we truly looked at those people’s lives we would see that their lives are full of cracks as well because they are also only human. If they don’t seem to have cracks it’s only because they put way too much time and energy into hiding them, which probably makes them very unhappy. Never gage your life by how you think other people will judge you, it will only make you anxious and unhappy. When you look back on your life you are not going to be rueing the fact that you had boxes you never unpacked, you are going to remember watching Laura Ingalls with your daughter. The greatest goal in our lives should be to create happiness for ourselves and the people around us.
Those of us who suffer from anxiety disorders and depression have a tendency to be overly critical of ourselves, and to take an ‘all or nothing’ view of our lives. No person has only strengths, we all have weaknesses. We have to learn that having weakness does not take away from our strengths. I recently realised that I thought that I had to be perfect in order to be ‘good enough’, that anything less than perfect was a failure. It happened when I was told at work by two different people in the same week that I was the best worker they had ever had. Suddenly I had crippling anxiety about going to work because the standard in my head became that if I wasn’t the best, I was a failure. Those are standards which no one can live up to. While I realise I may be projecting, I thought that was a bit how you sounded in your last blog post.
Also, remember that ‘normal’ people tend to be boring, uncreative, and rarely do anything that gets remembered. After watching some program with my 12 year old God daughter, (who was upset after being told she wasn’t normal by kids at school), in which regular people on the street were seen ignoring a crisis situation, and just walking by and allowing people to be hurt, I turned to her and said, “See why would you want to be normal when normal people act immorally? By yourself, be weird, and it will make you a better person.”
Off the top of my head: you must not love yourself enough. That is all.
Having read only a few comments, I might just be repeating everything everyone else said, but I really think that a) everyone feels this way sometimes, and b) you probably feel this way more often than those who are not struggling with anxiety and depression. Here’s how I get through my days like this. “I am doing the best I can, even when I know I’m not.” Frankly, my best (aka my definition of success) is never the same from minute to minute. Didn’t get out of bed all day? The best I could do was not to soil myself, and I didn’t! Success! Cleaned the whole house and baked a pie? The best I could do today was that! Success! Ate the entire pie and everything else in the house? The best I could do was not give in to the urge to lick the crumbs off the carpet, and I didn’t (and if I did, well, then that was the best I could do)! Success! I also like “I may (not) have______, but at least I didn’t kill anyone” That’s my definition of a good day. And wine. Lots and lots of wine. Which is entirely normal and completely acceptable just like you and everyone else who reads and posts here.
Truly, you are not alone. I feel like I am treading water most of the time and I don’t even know how to swim. I have a job outside the house where I feel accomplished sometimes. I’m able to solve problems for others. I get home and my facade of holding myself together all day falls apart and I am done for the day, and I have three kids and a husband who I adore more than anything, and yet they don’t always get the best of me because there is no best. I have to go, time to take one kid to football, pick up another from cheer and hope the third does his homework while I’m gone so I can fall into bed, someday there will be time for hugging my husband, I just haven’t seen him since I left the house at 5 this morning and he isn’t home from work yet. Don’t get me started ob my house, I can’t see one flat surface, it’s too funking cluttered and I don’t know where to even begin.
I knew I wasn’t the only one that felt like I wasn’t accomplishing enough…like life is often just passing me by…but it’s nice to hear it too. Recently, I’ve been struggling with a resurgence of my depression and the realization that I have real anxiety issues, but those aren’t really the root cause for my feeling less than accomplished. Nowadays, I think we just have too many avenues to compare ourselves to others, and it makes most of us feel lazy and worthless. Of course, it isn’t true, but it doesn’t make it feel any less real.
Hang in there, Jenny. Nobody needs you or anyone else to be perfect…how boring would that be?!? xoxo
I am a university student so during the school year I am pretty much doing something every day but when I skip class I always feel un-productive. During the summer though I lie in bed at night thinking why the hell didn’t I go out and do things.
Also people who never have unwashed hair freak me out a little bit–its not normal.
girl.
on my best day, hell, i can’t even remember the last time i HAD a best day, whatever that even means. i don’t feel successful, or even like thats even an attainable goal. and i feel like people are just about ready to give up on me because i can’t get my act together.
probably none of those things are true. probably people who know me would slap me for saying that. but i don’t know how to not believe that. i don’t know how to look a statement like “be proud of what you have” or “celebrate you” in the eye and do anything other than wish i could believe it.
so not, its not just you. but i wish i had a better answer for you.
Question: Do you really feel that way all day for those 3-4 days, or is it a whole bunch of minutes that add up to 3-4 days? I feel like I kick ass for a couple minutes a day (maybe more if I cook something awesome or get off my butt and go for a walk or clean something, although none of those are kick ass things but they make me feel like I’m doing something) a couple days a week. Those couple minutes may or may not add up to a day a month. Wow I suck. Have you ever read the post about “drops of awesome” it really helped me to start giving myself more credit for the little things that I DO accomplish instead of beating myself up for the things that I don’t. http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/ She brings some churchy related things in the second half if the post, but the first part is really great. I highly recommend.
As for everyone else looking so great and put together on blogs and Facebook, people only show their best side on those things. No one wants to share the picture that captured their cellulite dimpled legs at the beach, they crop it to get rid of the bad part. Just like I didn’t post that I sat on the couch for 6 hours today like a lump, I posted about the haircut I got and yummy lunch I ate ate a restaurant patio.
Sorry this turned out longer than I thought. With more than 2k comments you may never get to this one, but if you please then know that you’re not alone in your feelings.
More than 2000 comments. Awesome. You are not. ever. alone. There’s a lot of us out here, and we’re all a little lost. You’re doing better than you think.
As I haven’t been able to read all 2800 comments, I don’t know if anyone has said this but STAY AWAY from Facebook. There’s a thing called “Facebook depression” and it stems from the fact that we ALL try to put our very best selves out there in cyberspace to the point where it all looks happy and glossy all the time. People skip the 95% of their life that’s not so shiny and only post what makes them look good. Check these out:
http://www.livescience.com/18324-facebook-depression-social-comparison.html
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/42298789/ns/health-mental_health/t/docs-warn-about-teens-facebook-depression/
There are a some friends I had to remove from Facebook (or at least keep them from showing up in my feed) because every time I saw how perfect their lives were, it made me feel like crap about myself. It’d be sad for hours (or days) after. I already struggle with feeling like my life is wasted because I haven’t “accomplished” anything, I don’t need to see my so-called friends living their dreams.
One of the things that’s most comforting is to remind myself of the people I know personally– how messed up they are in real life– and then to see just how shiny they make their Facebook or whatever it is. Everyone is putting on a facade, a show. It’s not just you.
Just want to say that we all struggle with being enough. If you get a chance, there’s an article about being wonder woman in Glamour this month. It sums up what you’re talking about. It’s not easy to be satisfied with yourself. Our society doesn’t even encourage it. I honestly have lots of days that I compare myself to the Jones instead of the Cyruses, but the best advice I have gotten was from my husband who told me I need to be comfortable in my own skin. I tell myself that before I walk in a door, and it helps. Best of luck.
I saw this on my lunch break and had to wait to post, so now there are over 2000 people ahead of me. I hope you aren’t tired of reading yet.
I still feel guilt and remorse over things I did or did not do for my children and they youngest is 35 years old! I have had depression most of my adult life. I have had medication, meditation, light therapy, massage therapy, etc, over the years and they all helped a little. The best thing to happen to me as far as mental health goes was menopause. Suddenly, I found myself having more good days each month. Now it’s about half the time that I feel I am doing okay. When my kids were small, it was one to two days a month. Now that my kids are grown, I find I don’t have as much guilt with the grandgirls. Maybe it’s someone else’s turn. Last Christmas, after I had read one of your blog posts, I went online and ordered a silver wrist cuff with the words Depression Lies embossed on it. While it doesn’t stop the bad feelings, it does give me an intellectual foothold on the cliff I’m dangling from. I can talk back to my brain and sometimes I win, or sometimes I break even, but I have never lost the argument. I will always be grateful to you for putting that phrase out there. Depression lies like a mean motherfucker, but it won’t win. Not with me. Not with you. Peace.
I get this, to an extent. I too was blessed with an auto-immune disorder, and I’ve grappled with my share of depression. I have my own brand of insecurities, but I guess I’ve gotten used to them.
How many days do I feel like I kicked ass, or was a generally successful person? I guess that depends. Successful at what? Sometimes I’m pretty productive. I can check a few things off the old to-do list. I can be successful at laundry and chores. Other days I’m successful at laying in bed and watching Dr. Who. I depends on the day. But I try to be the best I can be at what I’m doing at the moment. And I try not to acknowledge the guilt or shame that I wasn’t as productive or successful as the next person, because I did MY best (this year/this month/this week/today/right now).
But there are days where depression creeps in, and even my best pajama-clad television show marathon seems half-assed. You’re definitely not alone there.
And those “shiny, pretty people” that you see… I don’t thin they have their shit as together as much as we think. They’re just better at faking it than we are.
And I hate picnics too. I’m not a fan of eating outside. There are bugs outside.
I feel the same. Usually I feel ok for 3-4 days a month. Maybe even feel like I’m kicking ass. But then there are times when it’s less than the 3-4 days. I sing so to boost my mood I do that or read or get sucked into playing an adventure game. It takes my mind off it for a bit. But I find it worse when I’m feeling stuck. And sometimes, I figure letting myself be distracted might be the best way to go…that’s like meditation, right? Right?
I also find running has helped me. I didn’t think I’d like it but I do. I’m not fast and I don’t go very far (usually about 20 minutes) but it does seem to stabilize my moods if I keep it up consistently.
Jenny,
You know that depression lies. It robs us of our self worth so we do have to ask others for outside validation. But some days, it is FANTASTIC if the only thing you did was not wet the bed because you at least got up to use the bathroom. People who have not huddled in a closet filled with fear and anxiety of the whole overwhelming concept of being alive may find it hard to relate but there are more closet huddlers (it’s a word because I just used it) than you know in the world. Maybe they hide it behind what looks like a Southern Living magazine spread but that is just the outer shell. Some of us don’t have the shell because it takes too much energy or we are just very bad at decorating Southern Living style. Or any style.
You, Jenny, have style. You have humor. You are able to keep going every day even though it feels like you are falling farther behind. You are a mentor for so many of us. We’re all in this boat (or closet) together, Jenny. We are here to pull you back if you start to fall overboard. Just as you do for us. It’s how we all stay afloat.
Well as commenter 2191, you are not alone. “Ding dong motherfucker” and grumpy cat memes have gotten me through many dark days. I have RA, fibro, anxiety, depression, two small kids and a career and every day kind of sucks. I hear what you’re feeling.
I’d say 3-4 days per month is a pretty reasonable estimate. Some days I look back at what I’ve done and the biggest accomplishment was moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or taking the dogs for a walk. So you’re not alone. I really need to have a schedule of some kind, even if it’s just blocks for “cleaning” “writing” or “watching Dr. Who.” It seems to keep me on track. I guess I’ll have to use one of my 4 productive days to put that into action…
Dude.
I beat myself up on a daily (probably more like hourly) basis that I am not good enough. At everything. I’m afraid that I haven’t raised my son right. Haven’t spent enough time with him. Messed him up in some way.
And I have the *worst* case of imposter syndrome. I’m teaching 4 university classes this semester. And even though I have a bachelor’s degree and two master’s degrees, at the end of every day, I think, “Welp, I faked it through another day! But tomorrow will probably be the day that I’m found out.”
I don’t think I ever have days where I feel like I kicked ass. There are always too many things left on my to-do list.
The only thing that makes me feel better is when I meet someone else who I *think* has it completely together and find out that they are as fucked up as I am.
I don’t have depression or (clinically significant) anxiety, but I will tell you that what you are feeling is pretty normal. I don’t know if it’s a Southern thing (both of my parents are from old Texas families), but as a girl child of the South, I cannot for the life of me accept a compliment without squirming. And I never even knew it until I moved to NYC and my friends there were like, WTH? I can readily catalogue my fuck-ups, but have to really work to tally up my kick-ass moments. Now that I have kids, I work really hard to hold onto the kick-ass moments, b/c there are days I am convinced I am the suckiest mom ever. Those pretty, pastel lives? They have rooms with “doors that shall not be opened” because 10 years in, they still have freaking wedding gifts still in the box. That perfectly styled hair? Well, dirty hair styles more easily. One of the most successful, amazingly together women I’ve ever met – the one with the perfect life? Her first husband was a drug addict who made her life a living hell. She got out by walking away from everything. The partner at a prestigious law firm? One sister was born with a congenital birth defect that made it impossible for her to live independently. The other sister was in a car wreck that left her physically and mentally impaired. Her husband had a toxic ex, which meant she (b/c she is a decent person) was the real maternal presence for her three step-children while working full time in a male-dominated profession and put off having kids of her own until her 40s b/c she was worried about what would happen to the steps. Every single life is fucked up in its own way. You’re not a fraud. And the therapy will help. One of my boys is prone to nightmares, and I tell him every night that the dreams are his. He gets to tell them what to do. And when they get too scary, he gets to tell them they have to stop. It’s working for him. I hope it works for you, too.
I consider a day a victory if I’ve made someone laugh or made someone’s day a tiny bit better, even if that someone is me. I have found that the only way I can function sometimes is to ask myself if I would judge someone else for doing what I just did. I might be more generous with others than I am with myself. Which makes no sense. Why do beat myself up endlessly over making a minor mistake at work when I wouldn’t even remember if someone else made the same mistake? Why do I worry over a potenially slightly awkward thing I said when likely nobody noticed? Also, I have a couple of boxes of papers (pay stubs, bills, receipts, etc.) that are easily 10 years old. They have made multiple moves through multiple states. I am paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of going through them and shredding most of the contents. This. Makes. No. Sense.
First, everyone else here has testified that it’s not just you.
Second, it sounds like you are forgetting that DEPRESSION LIES.
Third, those happy, shiny people you say you’re judging yourself against? They’re fake. They’re not real. They don’t exist. Oh, maybe they’ve unpacked all their boxes the day after they move, and they vacuum every day, but they are ax murderers. Do anything you can not to judge yourself by those fake images.
Fourth, totally change the way you measure success. Did beating yourself up about how you shouldn’t be the way you actually are ever help you change? Didn’t think so.
I read this blogger once that said “sometimes, the voices lie”. She was right. It’s hard sometimes to know which voices to listen to, particularly when they are opportunistic and prey on your vulnerabilities. And success? It’s relative but I do know this; everyone has stained underwear, unfinished projects, has made outrageous mistakes, said or done the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some hide it better than others, but we all live our own, personal hell. It took me a while, but I’ve learned that, and I’ve learned to stop comparing myself. You are more normal and mainstream than you even realize.
I agree, this is the stuff that no one wants to put up on social media. I feel like an imposter parent. I have two wonderful, smart kids one of whom has autism and the other ADHD. I think people look at me like I’m a bad parent when my kids act out and most traditional parenting stuff doesn’t work on my kids, so it can be so much harder to figure out what to do. Even though other parts of my life feel great, I feel like a such a failure on the parenting front most of the time. I’d say I’m successful a few days a week.
Love your honesty, thank you for sharing.
I am that person that people on the outside think is strong and together and able to overcome all the shit and be OK. All I hear is shit like; you are doing so well, you are back from abuse and you don’t care what anyone thinks of you, you make such good money and work from your house! You can do anything I know you can. And to me that is Bullshit, I know my issues, I know how to fix them I know what to do but I cannot do it, I am unable to go forward and be what I seem to be.
I am lonely and tired and I don’t feel strong or successful or able to overcome shit, I numb myself out mostly and then go into high anxiety because I now NEED TO DO A THING, IT HAS TO BE DONE AND I AM ALONE SO I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO IT, so I do it. Yeah and the whole time I’m doing that thing at the last minute when it’s a fucking crisis or at least my mind says it is, the whole time I’m sure I’m doing it wrong and afterward I’m sure I could have done it better or smarter or cheaper or faster or something I haven’t even thought of yet.
The very best moments in my life for a long time now is watching hummingbirds fight over my feeders in summer or looking at a fire in my fireplace in the winter. That’s it, those are my happiest moments. When I look back over my life is that what it’s going to be? When I’m dying are these still going to be my best moments? Accomplishments? I can’t think of a single fucking thing I’ve done or will do that I care about at this moment. I doubt this helps you any more than it helps me to type it.
…I realize my comment might’ve made it sound like I was implying you were putting on a facade… I meant that this feeling you’re having isn’t just you. You’re very open about things, which is why we all appreciate you so much. It really helps to know there are more people out there with these same issues.
I am a single mom of an autistic 2 yr old. 10-15 days of the month I feel like I am succeeding as a parent. BUT. I feel like I am succeeding at work about 1 day a month. They mercifully keep me around anyway. Other moms might classify me as a failure since my kid has autism and my floors are constantly sticky and stained and my kitchen counter is never free of dishes. But I’ve gotten over judging myself for that so that’s not included in whether I am succeeding or not. And my work suffers for my family.
You’re what? 30 something? None of this will matter! I’m soon 55 and I have no idea what I was worried, scared, upset about or wanting at your age. It just will not, does not matter – so stop it, just let it go now. Getting older is a bitch and a gift – a bitchgift, if you will! Each year I promise you will care less, laugh more, life gets sweeter and people you love and making memories with becomes more important. What anyone thinks, or someones else’s idea of how we should look, live or love does not matter one iota. What I should have, could have, why didn’t I – think it ever crosses my mind now? Heck NO! Because with age comes wisdom, experience, more laughter, freedom from crap and a very healthy oh yeah, who gives a fuck?!
You have a marriage with your best friend – a life built with someone that loves and gets you! You created the most wonderful person and I know you know that. Every small moment loving her will return to you tenfold. Her growing up safe and loved is the biggest gift and greatest job anyone could do – and you do it everyday. That is HUGE and if you don’t do one other thing until she moves out that’s more than enough. Because so many can’t and have really fucked that up. You’re light years ahead of most with these two gifts you have.
Everyone says life goes by so fast and everyone always agrees -but no one gets it! So really – who cares, so what, move on. Look around at all the small things we have to be grateful for, be kind and be appreciative everyday. That’s all there is. Really.
This is what’s currently working for me:
My daughter, a new mother, asking her friend, a mother of a toddler and a newborn, how she
managed to get things done.
“Sometimes you’ve got a sink full of dirty dishes, and you really don’t feel like doing the dishes. But that doesn’t matter. You just do the dishes.”
I have no idea why this is such a powerful magic wand, but it is.
You just do the dishes.
I feel like I am a part of the human race about 2 days out of the month. You’re not alone, not by a mile of antidepressants.
Throw another “me too” on the pile…Each month, I can get 7-10 “days off for good behavior” from my brain tormenting me, 15 if I’m lucky. I have been fighting the Demon (depression) since 1998, and am on the best medication I’ve ever had, yet it’s a struggle every damned day to NOT let this damned disease pull me down into another doom spiral.
When I had a career, even though I knew I was fantastically smart and really good at what I did, I felt like a pure, unadulterated HACK every day. Then I got laid off, my industry tanked, and my spouse and I decided (without ever saying it right out) that I would just not get another job.
Three years later, when people ask me the dreaded question, “what do you do,” I am still don’t know whether to answer “I am unemployed and worthless” or “I am illustrating a webcomic my spouse and I are writing.” They both feel like the same answer.
I can draw, really damned well. I can sew, sculpt, cook, and paint. People are always telling me how talented I am (and I feel really uncomfortable even admitting that)…yet, none of those things make any money, so I will always feel worthless as a human. I know, on a fundamental level, that this thought is wrong, but it’s hard to get past.
On a good day, I am a rock star, I am genuinely in love with our story, and I am a webcomic-drawing master! On the bad days, I wonder why I’m even bothering to do it, when there are so many better-drawn, “more worthy” stories out there.
Maybe 2-3 days a month I feel somewhat successful. I’m good at my job but it’s pretty much the same job I’ve been doing for years and I can’t manage to get a higher level job. My house is a mess, like, it looks like we’re having work done but we really aren’t. I can’t imagine having written a book. I’d love to, I read a lot of books, but can’t focus enough to really give writing a good try. I couldn’t raise a kid either. I have a couple of pets and I’m proud I’ve kept them alive and relatively healthy for this long. My bills are almost always late, not because I can’t afford to pay them but because between my husband and I we can’t manage to deal with them as often as we should. I am allergic to dealing with grown-up tasks that involve filling out forms or calling companies. I never run out of cheese or bourbon though – that may be my one success.
I don’t have the neurological and biochemical problems you have, so I don’t struggle with the same sorts of challenges you do on a daily basis. I do have some other biochemical challenges that it took me a long time to learn how to deal with, though. Some of it was finding the right meds (in my case hormone replacements, my hormones are really fucked up), and some of it involves working hard to be aware of when my brain is lying to me. It’s that last bit that has been the ongoing struggle and something I have to deal with nearly daily.
There are some things that I’ve learned over time that may or may not help you so I’ll just share them and if any of them stick, then yay. 🙂
It is far too easy to end up comparing myself to some ideal that doesn’t exist in reality, or that only exists rarely. It is also easy to end up comparing myself to what I think other people expect, or how I think they are, which is invariably “better than me”. These are all missing the point and will lead me to an awful lot of suffering.
Instead I figure out what *I* think is the way to live. What *I* think is the criteria for a happy or fulfilled or good sort of life to live FOR ME. What are the things that I think are most important? I mean really. Not the things I think I should think are important, but the things that are really important TO ME. Then I make choices every day based on those decisions. It’s impossible to meet any sort of a reasonable standard or expectation unless you’ve taken the time to actually define those standards and expectations. Not some nebulous crap you get from whatever commercials or TV shows or your grandmother are touting as what EVERYONE HAS TO DO, but real standards that are about YOU and your values and what you think is REALLY important. Write it down if you have to, to remember it. But be realistic.
For me, one way this plays out is that I don’t clean my floors as frequently as some others might do. I don’t have clutter, can’t stand clutter, but that’s because I’m a total klutz, and I trip over everything, if there’s clutter, I’ll destroy it or myself falling over it. So clutter I can’t stand. I’ll put the time into cleaning up clutter and putting objects away. But my floors, forget it. I have a black lab and a black kitty, both of whom shed like crazy. There is always at least the equivalent of another animal’s worth of fur lurking in the corners and under my furniture. I rarely clean the corners. Never dust. Very very rarely even clean out the cobwebs. These things just aren’t important enough to me to take time away from other things that ARE important to me.
That’s really what it comes down to for me. Leisure time is finite, but chores are not. I have to choose what I’m going to spend my limited leisure time doing, and I can tell you, dusting ain’t it. Spending time with my friends, playing games, watching movies or TV shows, reading, knitting, volunteering for a local farmer’s market… those are all WAY more important to me than dusting, sweeping the floors, and cleaning up cobwebs. I decide what I want to spend my life doing, what I think is important, and I do those things to the best of my ability.
So if I go around comparing myself to, say, my grandmother, then I’m failing miserably. My grandmother’s house was clean. Very clean. No cobwebs, EVAR. The whole “eat off the floors” clean. No dust. She actually dusted. But my grandmother was a stay at home mom her entire adult life. I imagine her house probably wasn’t as clean when she had four teenagers living in it as it was when *I* knew her, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was pretty darned close. There’s no way I can live up to that standard. That’s not a standard I WANT to live up to. That doesn’t say anything bad about Gramma. She was an AWEsome woman. And it doesn’t say anything bad about me. I’m an awesome woman, too. I just have different standards, different things that are important to me. Different ways I want to spend my time and limited energy resources.
Energy, effort, time, it’s all a budget you have to spend. And as with any other budget, you should be setting realistic limits on things so you can meet your budget. You have X hours a day. You have Y amount of energy. You will spend Z amount of time working in a given week. You budget other things into your time/energy budget. Focus on the things that are most important, like school recitals or whatever’s most important to you, and try to be realistic about what you can do in a given time period. Don’t compare yourself to everyone else, or the “perfect” people you’re seeing (which is your brain lying to you, they’re not perfect). Compare yourself to the specific criteria you’ve set. Did you make it to the recital? Do you take time to restore your psychic energy stores as you need to do (this is not shirking, this is a duty, just like anything else you decide you need to do). If you’re meeting the goals you’ve set for yourself, then you are, by definition, no failing.
If you find that you’re being too ambitious and have set goals you can’t realistically meet (which happens) then just adjust your goals. It’s not cheating, it’s changing perspective. Don’t let TV or commercials or even your relatives define what success looks like for you. You get to define it for yourself.
After that, then you have to tell yourself over and over “this is success for me” and hopefully you’ll believe it more days than you don’t. It’s an incremental thing, which sucks, but there it is. Wow this is long. I hope you don’t mind.
I think the important thing to know or remember about humanity is that we’re all faking it to some degree. We all have deep, dark secrets we’d be mortified to reveal. The pretty pastel lives most likely have dust bunnies under their beds. The perfect Pinterest cookies were created by a team of food stylists and can’t be replicated by the average human being on a Thursday afternoon. We are ALL faking it, I promise. You have to choose what you want and need to do and own those things. Let everything else go. I’m pleased as punch that there are garbage men because I can only get my garbage as far as the curb. If I had to take it to the dump I’d be living in a pile of trash. Know what I mean? There are PTA people and there are room moms and soccer moms and people with perfectly clean houses but they all – ALL of them – have some part of their life that is lacking. It might be money, it might be sex, it might be love, it might be toe fungus, it might be they lay in bed at night thinking how empty their existences are, or how much they would rather be with a same sex partner or how they wish they hadn’t had kids or they wish they’d run off to Borneo during gap year and never returned. Some days are easy, and some days really suck and most days we’re all kind of just… here… trying to make everyone else believe everything is ok. The important thing is we get up every morning and give it another try. TBH, this motherhood thing is kicking my ass, but I show up every day and do my best and some nights I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough or I didn’t do the right things or my kid was bored for 2 seconds or 2 hours. I know the minute I figure it out she’s going to change the playing field on me, but I’m going to keep suiting up and showing up. Take a little time in the evening to take stock of what you have accomplished that day and even more importantly – what you are grateful for. It might just change your outlook. Maybe not every day, but for that day it might.
I think I’m the 2196th comment, so I don’t know if you’ll even read this… I am new to you… linked to you through (I don’t remember where) and saw this and just want to say… “thank you.” And also, “you are so brave. I bet you didn’t feel brave when you wrote that, but it was very brave. And that is very good. You are doing good.” And also, I feel the same way many, many times. Minus the successful book and writer’s block on the second book. But otherwise, you and I are twins. On meds. Questioning ourselves. And, I guess it’s just nice to know I’m not alone. So, thank you. And, good luck. I’m glad you have gotten so much support on this post. Oh, one more thing, if all you do is to be there for your kids watching LHOTP reruns, I think that’s pretty good. I often tell myself, “if the only thing I do as a mom is make sure that my kids know that I love them, then I think I will have been successful.” (I sure do hope they know I love them.) xo
Hiya!
When I’m at work 5 days a week, 8-5, I feel I get on average 3 good days sometimes 4 while at the office. BUT when I get home, zilch. Tonight I had 1/2 bag of vegetable chips and a yogurt and have done nothing save turn on the computer. I’ve taken to using plastic utensils and paper plates so the dirty dishes don’t become alive and kill me in my sleep or lethargy. Weekends, fuhgettaboutit… nothing. Except Dr Who/Torchwood/Firefly marathons. Usually about 2 Sundays a month in the afternoon I can rally and do laundry, clean the house, put stuff away and feel like a “normal” person. On meds too for depression, anxiety, etc etc but…sigh…
Your friend,
🙂
P.S. THANK YOU to the community! You are my friends too xoxo!
Right now I haven’t felt successful for a whole day since 07/07/13. I satisfy myself with feeling successful for parts of days at the moment because that is how my life is right now. For example today:
+ I passed the numeracy test that I need to become a teacher (which was a massive waste of time and resources as I have a degree in Astrophysics but that’s the hoop the government wants jumped through so I’ve done it). Even though it is stupid test I am counting this as a success as it is one step closer to qualifying as a teacher.
– I slept in because my sleep pattern is all out of wack again (hence me writing this at 0216). *frustrated grr*
+ I met with a friend for coffee and had a great time – another win as I often struggle to meet up with friends regularly.
– I fell off (or rather jumped off) the diet wagon at coffee with said friend. *sigh*
+ I climbed back on the diet wagon and had a delicious healthy dinner. (It was nicer than the thing that I jumped off the wagon for and made me feel like I’d jumped off the wagon for no good reason.) Another yay me.
+ I have made a stand against a friends apathy regarding the use of chemical weapons. (Let’s wait and see as to how that pans out but I feel better for them being better informed.)
– It is 0221 and I’m still awake. *another frustrated grr at my sleep pattern*
+ When I get to sleep – that will be another positive.
Additionally:
I don’t deal well with praise, I don’t deal well with receiving gifts, my hair is currently a mess and needs washing.
I sometimes hide from possible successes because I am afraid that they may turn out to be failures.
I love picnics (my picnics are great) but don’t own any napkins or a picnic set.
I never run out of toilet roll (usually I have too many due to anxiety around running out).
I do know how to recycle (in three different cities!) but I do occasionally run out of cat litter and have to substitute shredder paper waste (this gets me looks of exasperation from my furry girls as they watch months of carefully training me going down the drain).
I’ve managed to get off my migraine medication for the first time in 10 years!
I forget to vacuum.
But – I know what I am aiming for. Checklists help me, so do mind maps – even when they are scrappy and sketched on a scrap of paper. It helps me work out a game plan and to see how I’m doing. They stop me forgetting that I have achieved things on days when I feel like nothing has gone well.
Maybe I should mention that I have no mental health issues – this is apparently normal (if such a thing exists).
Lastly – about the book – I will read it whenever it arrives, whenever that may be. It will be worth waiting for.
I don’t have depression or anxiety or mental illness – and I’m barely making it through life. I completely relate to everything you said in this post. I feel like a fraud and can’t even think of the last time I felt like I was kicking arse at life. I’m also fighting off the feelings of failure as best as I can because my life looks nothing like how I thought it would be.
So, yes you are normal. I’m normal. Everyone’s feeling different versions of fucked up and fighting their own battles. Those shiny people? They’re not real, no-one’s shiny all the time. No-one. People who look like they have their lives together are just as scared and feel just as much as a fraud – I’ve asked them.
Somehow, I find comfort in knowing we’re all struggling (just with different things). I hope you find comfort in that too.
I feel successful.. probably one week out of the month. And I honestly feel like a very lucky person to have that week. The thing that makes me feel worst is the feeling of being brushed aside. I feel worst when I’m trying to connect and it fails. I realized today that if I don’t have one genuine-feeling, face-to-face interaction with another human being every single day, I start to feel horrible and alone. I think people are a lot more connected than we realize, and a lot more dependent on each other than we like to admit. I love you, Jenny. You’ve made me feel that I wasn’t alone on more than one occasion.
As you can see from the posts above, you are not alone. I suffer from the imposter syndrome, as I think many of us do. Fake it, til you make it. And then keep faking it until you actually believe it. Some days I believe it, many others I don’t.
Post 36 (Helen Jane) is right on for things that help me. “exercise + sleep + giving myself a break + avoiding comparison” After much resistance to trying them, I find that mantras help. Telling yourself the positive things you need to hear, over and over again until you believe it, has worked for me in the past. When I feel others are judging me harshly (whether true or not) I remind myself that it is not my business what others think of me.
(although you must know I judge you in the best of lights! You bring so much honesty, laughter and joy to so many people. You help us feel that we are not alone. And therefore you are not alone)
I have also found some comfort in yoga, when I do it on a regular basis. Yoga on top of exercise has been so helpful to me mentally. It is almost impossible for me to put into words. It has taught me patience with myself, it has helped me to stop comparing myself to others, it gives you moments of pride when you accomplish the smallest of things. The goal is always changing…You think wow, I can do this now, the next step is…there is never an end point.
Thanks for posting this. I’ve been in a low place for a few weeks. And you’ve helped to remind me what works best for me. Now it’s just taking the first steps. And then treating myself kindly when I fall off the horse, and then starting back up again. It’s a constant struggle. But we are worth it!
I love you Jenny Lawson. You are my hero.
You’ve just accurately described most of my adult life (sans the successful book). I think there are more people like us, then those who have their shit together. Or a lot of people faking that they have their shit together. Read some Cheri Huber. Get some Zen in ya. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be–you aren’t fucking up, you’re being you. There is no other you. That other platonic alternative universe where you have no weeds and your car always gets oil changed on time–that’s the unhealthy illusion. Getting older helps. I’m nearly 50 and still feel like a goofy teenager. But at my age it’s starting to feel okay that my house is messy, my bills are late, and I never fulfilled my early bright promise. So what? I’m alive–I get to spend time with my loved ones and watch some movies and eat some tasty food, and I don’t live in a war zone. I’ve outlived most people who’ve ever been born on the planet. This is what it’s about. Just live. Fuck the rest.
I doubt you will even read this as it is straggling behind an entire herd of people, but I can only add to the affirmations they have given you here. I have maybe 5-6 days a month when my thoughts stream along unbuffered or in order. It always seems to be the same point in the month as relates to the moon…so it’s probably a brain thing that impacts our hormones or some such shit. As far as I’m concerned, the only good hormone is a dead hormone, because Lord knows they’ve driven me nearly off the cliff a few times during my life.
In my job, I have to organize large inspection files and present them to the attorney general’s office in my state for legal battles. This means several months of intense organizational skill needs, which may or may not happen inside my head on any given day. I feel crushingly guilty if I’m not pushing myself hard all the time, but yet have battled a serious autoimmune disorder for 20 years, along with seizures, panic, anxiety, etc. Evidently I asked to be supersized on the whole disorder deal before starting this life.
I am terrified of many things; yet people tell me I’m “brave,” “smart,” and “clever.” I can’t even type those words and own them.
My sister is a very accomplished person in her own right…in my eyes, very successful and strong. Yet she tells me she feels like a fraud all the time too. So, it’s obviously a DNA thing, and someday there will be some huge discovery about a genetic treatment and we’ll all swallow nanobots that will busily rearrange our DNA and fix the anomaly. If that happens while I’m still alive, I want to order wings and another superpower that I haven’t decided upon yet. It’s between invisibility and hearing what people are thinking. Still on the fence with that.
Please know that (according to all my various therapists, anyway) EVERYONE feels like this. We all are acting like we are breezing our way through this life, and never forget to pick up dryer sheets or have static in our panty hose. But I guarantee you that even when you are surrounded by efficient, trim, attractive people in the mall or anywhere you look, for every “perfect” looking woman there is a stash of Cheetos and Sour Punch candy somewhere in her underwear drawer that she binges on and pukes out before her perfect but secretly alcoholic and philandering husband gets home from his well-paying but predatory job.
Life has never been, and never will be, seamless and tidy. It’s messy, loud, clumsy, and–well–LIFE, So just keep on slogging through it with a big “Fuck you, too, life” and don’t issue yourself a damn report card at the end of the day. Just getting to the end of the day is a smashing success. Goddammit.
I feel like a fuck up almost every day. This is probably why I’m starting therapy for the first time on Monday. I come from an anti-therapy family, but I need some help with perspective. I will tell you this almost every single adult feels like a complete and total screw up and like they are faking it. I think it’s a worthiness issue. It’s not a good thing, persay, but probably the most normal thing about you. Also, Hailey is kick ass, and you inspire millions. You do okay 🙂
Definitely not just you!! I don’t have depression (something I’m unbelievably thankful for – I’ve seen what hell it puts some good friends through) but I spend many of my days convinced I’m a complete failure, even though a rational review would say otherwise.
I think you’ve shown once again how abnormal ‘normal’ is. 🙂
Yeah … 4 or 5 days a month is all I’m good for. And I feel like I get further and further behind every week! For the 3 years I was able to stay home with my son I had my shit together a little bit more, but only a little. Now I have 3 kids, a job, a husband, and a house … lots of time I choose time with the kids, time with the husband, or “me” time over the house/bills/projects and I have to remember to look at those as good days too. Cause they are. I may not have accomplished anything that you can physically look at and say “look what I did!” but I accomplished something much more important. So when I find myself looking around (I’m usually in this room where my computer is because it’s the “needs done” room) and sighing a really big sigh and beating myself up over everything I haven’t accomplished that day/week/month/year I try to remember to think of something I did accomplish that day/week/month/year. The other 95% of the time I curl up on the couch with comfort food and a movie … or I’ll loose myself in a book.
I think it’s normal. At least I hope it’s normal. Well, it’s MY normal and I try to be ok with that. Maybe that’s what it comes down to … being ok with your normal and not worrying or comparing your normal to the PTA moms normal. (or anyone else!)
Okay, there are almost 3,000 comments and I haven’t read a single one of them. Here’s what I got, though, since you asked:
I’m a late-30s woman. I am paddling the same canoe. And OMG Imposter Syndrome is a thing? I didn’t know and that wiki-link was just a balm to a sore I didn’t even realize I had. THANK YOU.
I don’t suffer depression or bipolar diorder, but my Imposter Syndrome cycles like bipolar does. Somedays I’m all “I kick ass!” and then two minutes later I’m all “I broke all the things!”.
There are lots of things that make me feel like a big ol’ failure that overlap with your examples: Some days it’s all I can do to feed myself, feed the critters, and take the dogs outside in a timely manner. My husband and I had to live apart for 8 months last year and it was horrible. I couldn’t even feed myself like an adult and let’s not even talk about the dishes. I always feel like I’ve failed my mother (though there’s complicating dynamics happening there). I feel like I’m a failure as a woman because I haven’t gotten pregnant yet even though we don’t necessarily want to start a family and there is nothing, apparently, wrong with either of us.
I’m a pretty kick-ass teacher as notes from my students and the regard of my colleagues can attest. I’ve earned one of the most difficult types of teaching certification there is, but I’m still a gibbering mess sometimes when questioned by my bosses evaluating me. I often feel helpless to be able to impact my students for good, even though I know I’m getting through to some of them some of the time. I feel like there’s so much more I could be doing as part of my school community or as a professional or as a scientist. There are lots of opportunities to feel lacking when you’re a teacher.
I often feel like that plate-on-sticks spinning dude on the Ed Sullivan show. I can’t spin as many plates on stick as the average bear, and I feel like I have all I can to do keep them spinning. While I’m struggling to keep them all going, they start to wobble and get crazy.
I am getting better about this. I’m giving myself a lot of positive talk of the type that was distinctly missing from peers when I was a child. I make myself talk about my accomplishments and think about my progress. I’ve been fortunate enough to have a few opportunities to hear straight-from-the-students’-mouths how important I’ve been in their lives. The troughs of “My life isn’t where I wanted it to be and it’s because I’m a disaster and can’t be a real grown up” still come by. They are less frequent and I’m getting better at appreciating all the goodness in my life. I still have hopeless days.
As always, thank you for throwing something out there in a way that I’m experiencing but unable to articulate, and being willing to let this hang out where we-all can see it. I’ve sent more than one former student to your website. You, marvelous you, are saving lives, even on days where just getting up is an accomplishment.
Wow, I totally could have written that post (except maybe with less profanity, because I THINK it but it doesn’t usually actually get said. Maybe I’d be healthier and happier if I cussed more OUT LOUD.) I’ve struggled with the same thing for years. . .feeling like a failure, feeling like the real me isn’t as great as people seem to think, fearing they’ll find out what I’m really like. I just about fell apart when I hit 30, because somehow I had this idea that by then, I’d have it all together and be living the life I dreamed. Instead, I had no house (still just renting), no job (quit teaching to be home with my kids, and then spiraled into depression like you wouldn’t believe. Ok , maybe you would.), a marriage that seemed to be falling apart, and everything just seemed so. . .temporary. I really thought I’d be more “settled” by then. Then things got better for a while, and then the depression came back just in time for me to hit 40. I had a hard time convincing my husband that it wasn’t just some weird midlife crisis or fear of getting old. I just couldn’t FUNCTION. I wanted to hide in my room and never come out. My kids were the only thing that kept me pasting a semi-convincing smile on my face and putting on clothes in time to pick them up from school.
So yeah, I get it. You are not alone. It is totally normal. And the more people I talk to, the more I realize that everyone else seems to feel like they’re living a lie, too. Maybe we all just need to be honest and admit our struggles and quit making each other feel like shit.
Definitely not just you. By all external standards, I’m very successful and have no reason to feel inadequate. Yet I often feel useless, absolutely devoid of motivation, and flat out overwhelmed by tasks like watering the plant in my office. I don’t think I ever have a WHOLE day of feeling great. Usually it’s more of an hour by hour thing. I usually feel pretty productive and overall GOOD about myself and my abilities in the morning. By afternoon I feel like a useless slug, unable to take on easy tasks. Then, in the later evening I start to feel a bit better again. So maybe half the day I feel like I’m awesome and the other half I feel like a complete loser.
You are definitely not alone. I have no time for PTA. I barely have time to rest my brain. I don’t know if they have medication for “resting bitch face” as one of my coworkers calls it, but I am probably going to need that along with my other medication. Keep on keeping on! I love your work, and you are not alone!
Sarah
No, its not just you, and most of it isn’t your depression and axiety either – because I don’t suffer from those.
I don’t suffer from any mental illness.
I am happily married (no children by choice), work full time in a career job, have lots of hobbies and lots of friends and am not in an financial or health difficult.
And yet, I rarely have days where I feel successful or like I’ve accomplished anything. I’m quite lazy. I don’t clean or cook much, and am lucky my husband picks up most of my slack. It is who I am. I could achieve more if I worked harder, but I don’t, and I’m ok with that.
The other thing I can see that perhaps that people who do suffer depression or anxietydon’t is that most people lie – both to themselves and others. The competition isn’t what it represents itself to be. And the ones who are truly together are often the most miserable.
Girl, you are not alone. There’s a reason Steve Furtick said “We struggle with insecurity because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I can’t tell you how much of what you feel is usual, because I also have crippling anxiety, along with panic disorder, but I can completely relate. I’m in one of the top engineering programs in the country, in the top 20% of my class, working my way through school, and I still feel like I’m failing at life. Sometimes I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything “real” because I’m closer to 30 than 20 and I don’t know that I am (or will) contribute to the world in any meaningful way. And forget going to the bank; some days I just lie in bed watching Netflix and scrolling through tumblr because doing simple life stuff takes so much out of me. I feel the worst when I’m crying on the floor of my room because I’m worried things will never feel easier.
At least 95% of my unhappiness is a product of my own neuroses; it has nothing to do with the real world. I haven’t figured out how to train my mind out of that, but I’ll tell you one thing that regularly helps me: As trite as it sounds, I basically play Polyanna’s glad game. Every night, when some people probably are praying, I say thanks for everything I can think of that day: for the chance to expand my mind by studying things I’m not naturally good at, for the blueberries on sale at the grocery store, for my being able to recover from a panic attack and go back to work, for a surprising call from a friend, for colored staples. In that moment, it doesn’t feel like much, but it trains my mind. Later when I feel like a failure, I find my mind looking for reasons to be thankful and calm.
And honestly, coming here and reading your blog makes me feel infinitely better because it keeps me from feeling like the only alien on the planet. You are not unusual in how you feel, but you are unusual in that you have the courage to share it and make all us other aliens feel at home.
I made an important phone call today so I’m totally feeling like this is one of my “responsible adult days” for the month. I probably also have 3-4 of those days in one month. I don’t know if it’s normal to feel like you’re failing at adult life but it’s normal for me. I have a fear that a “real” adult will drop by unannounced and discover that I am just faking it and I will somehow get in trouble for this.
I suck at being a human. Having depression can make it really HARD to do anything beyond the bare essentials! Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a really successful day because I got up, took a shower, wore clean clothes, and stayed awake all day long. If I go outside for a while with the dogs, I am really rocking! This is while I don’t have a job. When I do have a job I have to be really careful about getting too overwhelmed… I tend to become a shut-in on the weekends because, after spending a week working, I just can’t stand to leave the house for any reason if I don’t have to! It sucks, and I would like to live life more fully… but we do the best we can do, with what we have, at any given time, don’t we.
A. You have totally found your tribe
B. It would appear that the world runs mostly on about 3% productivity. So it’s probably a good thing that most of us don’t get more done because it would probably cause a rip in space/time continuum and totally un-hinge global markets. It would be nice though, to be ok with the way things are, because, you know –
C. Depression lies. And it’s really good at it.
Hang in there.
I think the negative thoughts are just a normal part of depression and anxiety. Don’t automatically accept a thought just because you thought it. Question and retaliate against the negative thoughts, replacing them with something positive. I don’t think the “perfect people” really exist. They might just be better at projecting such an image. When I feel like like a loser, I replace that thought with something as ridiculous as “Hey, at least I’m not addicted to crack.” I always make a point of focusing on my good qualities. I think focus is the trick.
I don’t have depression or anxiety and I feel the exact same way. A friend of mine told me the tale of Mara, the Buddhist evil doer. Google her, fascinating! Whenever I experience these dark moments, it’s just Mara coming for a visit so I talk to her. I welcome her in for a cup of tea, like I would any good friend. I tell her that I see her clearly and I try my best to actually feel the warm and fuzzies for her. I acknowledge her completely. And poof, she disappears. It’s not real, she’s not real. It’s all just noise. Remember that. I would think and ruminate into the wee hours about exactly what you said in your post, except the PTA part, bleck! It took a while but I’m wayyyyy better.
I lost my brother 9 months ago. He was a single dad of a beautiful girl who was in her first year of university at the time. He died overseas while on vacation with his fiancé. His life was seriously rocking after a difficult divorce. I say this only because I too struggle with perfection. Now it’s like, who the fuck cares. The homework doesn’t get done til Thursday? Who the fuck cares. I have oodles of unfinished projects? Who the fuck cares. I just can’t picture my beloved brother caring about any of those things when he left us all. These thoughts stop me in my tracks when I start beating on myself about imagined shortcomings. I focus on loving well now. And you got that in spades!
Anyway, my comment might not carry any weight because I don’t have depression or anxiety but I totally wish you the best cause you’re awesome (sorry).
c
Fuck, no, you’re not alone. I consider myself a fairly successful professional.., yet most days, I feel super-accomplished if I manage to scoop the cat box and check the mailbox on the same day.
As i write this you have 2205 comments, even it only a handful of them r crummy, I think at says a lot about you (and me) so if 2000 of us feel like we don’t live up to our best selves and 2000 of us feel like we could do better and don’t, what is wrong with the world that we see ourselves this way? So I say we start our own country where you can’t be fake about who you r , everyone is on at least on med and we go to therapy more than work. And at least one other person has to live there that did not cry when their kids went to school.
Oh Jenny, I know it’s been said over and over by all of us who love you. You’re not alone with this. When I read this one, I got chills and then my heart cried a little. I am in a little better place than this…at this moment…tomorrow may be different. I read a shit ton to escape from everything that overwhelms me. Some of the things I’ve come across, while they don’t help as much in the darkest hours, help in the twilight hours when I’m ok, but on a tipping point. Especially the articles that talk about how things like pinterest and facebook are people putting their best face forward…it’s not the real story…it’s what they’re comfortable showing the world. And I’m just through with the book Quiet by Susan Cain. It made me feel a tiny bit less crazy. My husband, and my family, though, are by far my biggest source of strength. When I’m a quivering ball of hot mess, my guy picks me up and says it’s ok to feel that way. We own a business together, and I run the financial side of things. Most of the time, I’m certain I’m going to be the sole reason of us going out of business because of my incompetence, even though I’ve had very savvy, smart business people tell me I’m wonderful at my job. Sometimes seeing a load of laundry from basket to closet is my biggest happy feeling for the day. And now I realize that I’ve just written something entirely too long to considered a ‘comment.’ I blame wine. And I blame the very real hope that maybe something in here helped you or someone feel at all better. Love.
Dear Jenny,
I wonder if you will see this. Probably not considering the amount of comments you have to sift through. I completely understand feeling anxious about the things you are doing, or are trying to do, or would like to get done but feel like you aren’t really trying to get done. The idea of anticipation of tasks can be so debilitating it is frustrating beyond belief. How can you pretend that a day is “good” and feel “accomplished” when all you did was hide? Then when you hide, you feel even worse and alas, the viscous cycle has begun.
I am quite sure you don’t need me to toot your horn for you and tell you how much of a success you really have been according to fame and fortune and all that jazz. Logically I am sure that you can make those connections for yourself (if you look at it from an outsider’s perspective). Creativity cannot be forced. Inspiration isn’t just sitting around; timing has to be right for those things to strike. The person who is processing those things and trying to make something of them has to have that ‘it’ factor that no one can seem to put a definition to. That kind of “success” doesn’t matter to me though. I am proud of you for different reasons.
I admire that despite what you are facing behind the scenes; you still live. You still find laughter in life. You find the time to be a mom. You may only feel successful a few times a month, but that is okay. What if you were robo-mom and everything you tried was a success? What if you could do anything you wanted to do, whenever you wanted to do it? Wouldn’t life become meaningless? As cool as robots are I don’t really think that any of us wants to be one.
I just think that the struggles we face, whether they be physical, mental, or emotional make life so much more… beautiful? I guess what I am trying to say is embrace the bad times when you are living in them. It is okay to feel like shit. It is okay to need a moment to decompress… It is okay to need several moments to decompress. Your tasks will always be there waiting for you to come back. This does not make you a failure.
When you feel down, try to remember that it is okay. You have felt that way in the past, and have bounced back before. What is that saying? Fall down 99 times and get back up 100? Anyway, I am sure you know what I mean. Don’t punish yourself for falling down every now and then, or a few times a week… or a few times a day. Rest assured; you will get back up again. Consequently, overcoming that feeling every time thereafter should only become easier. Remember the hard times, embrace them. Only they can be testament to what you have overcome. Most importantly remember that you are not alone.
Hugs,
Random girl in Idaho aka Malina
Okay… I am a lurker, I never post, but here it goes. A few years ago I went to my high school reunion. I ended up sitting with one of the “cool kids”/jocks/mr. populars that would have never even given me the time of day back then. After some laughing and joking around about high school, he mentioned that he had spent alot of time alone during those years, especially on the weekends. I was totally surprised to hear how he felt awkward and out of place. Everyone assumed he was “busy”, so he was often left out. He was just as surprised to hear that people had this perception of him as being “out of their league”. He never saw himself as someone to be jealous of. Here is a guy who, from the outside looking in, had it all, but from the inside looking out, he was just as insecure as the rest of us. I guess the moral of this long, rambling post is… we are all human. We struggle with the same things. I don’t know anyone who is not plagued with self doubt, who feels like they have given 110% every. single. day. Nor do I know anyone who looks at themselves in the mirror at the end of the day and smiles at the feeling of fulfillment that they get from life.
Personally, most of the time I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Trying to get ahead, not really getting anywhere at all, but still getting up, climbing back on, and running until its finally time to go back to bed. When I look around, I see people all around me who are in the same place. Feeling like they are never good enough or up to the challenge of being a good parent, a spouse, friend, etc. When I find myself getting overwhelmed (which is often), it’s hard to take a step back and take a breath…sometimes all it takes is remembering that the wheel is still going to be there tomorrow.
There are already well over 2200 responses to this post so I know this is probably just my my own pathetic need to get something out there rather than something you or someone will see.
Anyhoo. I feel like this all the time, too. I think 3-4 days a month sounds about right for me, too. Though usually I don’t get a full day – more like a few hours where I feel good, progressive, worthwhile, valuable.
I don’t know if others feel this way or not. Or if others SAY they feel this way, but really don’t. It’s how I feel. It sucks. I don’t believe there is a way out, it just is.
Thanks for sharing xo
2000+ comments so this might get lost, or it might have already been stated, but I still feel the need to say it. I deal with a lot of the same issues (nothing diagnosed, but I get the same feelings; probably should see someone about it but eh ANYWAY) what I do to make myself feel good about every day is the day before I will set tasks for myself, simple stuff. Nothing big. Just like getting the living room picked up, going to deposit that money that has been sitting in my wallet for a week, things like that. All I have to do is get that done. Anything else is just a bonus. I have a new little boy and most of the time we stay shut up in the house unless my boyfriend makes us go somewhere (usually just grocery shopping) and everyday I get more and more terrified that I am going to put this all on him and he is going to grow up with the same anxieties as me. This also helps me get out and do things. Tomorrow I am going to Comic Con in my area. I’m scared and excited and hoping that I’m able to stay more than an hour before coming up with some lame reason why I NEED to leave. My main point being you are clearly not alone (evident by the 2000 ish comments) and (these words are SO much easier said than done, I know, but) don’t be so hard on yourself. You can do it. While you may not be ‘living’ by the definition of others you ARE living. You are living as best you can and fighting through each day with gusto. You have a beautiful daughter and (even if you aren’t a member of the PTA) you are doing great. It’ll be hard for all of that to sink in I know, but it’s here for you to read as many times as it takes to know that you are great at being you. You are living. And you are doing a damn good job at it.
I think you’re ahead of me. At the end of each day I don’t even thought about being successful. But DO I know that no one REALLY has their shit together. It’s all a fantasy. Maybe because when I was just out of college I was a personal assistant for a couple of messed up rich people (two different families… no joke) that couldn’t furnish their houses or keep the cable on or succeed in relationships or even have two kids with the same father. At that point I decided everyone sucks at life AND everyone is great at it and I’m not going to feel bad about myself either way.
Oh, Jenny. I feel good maybe a week. Sometimes more, but honestly, it averages out to about a week.
I found you after I’d quit my job so my husband could start traipsing about doing what he does. At that time, my kid was 2.5 and I’d sit and laugh while I let Mickey Mouse Clubhouse babysit in our tiny DC apartment. I felt, acutely, that I wasn’t a good enough mom, that there were tons of “shoulds” I wasn’t doing. The “shoulds” have haunted me.
In the last 3 years, I’ve moved 3 times and had another baby. I now live outside the US. My kid goes to a fancy school (not my dime, we get a stipend) and rubs elbows with this city’s elite. I’m from a small town in OHIO, Jenny. I don’t do designer yoga pants (I didn’t even know they existed. They DO.) And I don’t keep up well with nanny-bitching, because I don’t have a nanny. I was supposed to teach my 5-year old lowercase printing so she was on-track with her peers over the summer. Oops. My 15-month old’s glowing accomplishment is lifting her shirt and pointing to her belly button. There are so many days just getting dressed and feeding my children is the end of my abilities. And that? It perpetuates the cycle of self-loathing.
I don’t know what success even means. When I had a career that produced an income, I used to set these silly things called goals. And I always thought that if I reached them I’d have “success”. Now? I think the success measures are so far off, I can’t see the path. If my 5-year old eats well and doesn’t whine about her sister, I call it a decent day. If my 15-month old doesn’t chew a section out of the couch or me (truly, she’s a puppy with thumbs right now, and she’s done both) I breathe a sigh of relief. And if a nice mom at the park doesn’t condescend all over my pilly, thin t-shirts, my grey-roots-showing-desperately-needing-trimmed hair, and un-made-up face? I find myself grateful.
I do know that reading you, the funny and the honest sets me free, a bit. Depression lies. You don’t, Jenny. I think this is the stuff people don’t talk about because we’re all so afraid if we do, we’ll be the only ones. Clearly, we aren’t.
I definitely relate to what you’re feeling. It makes me feel so much better to see all the posts of everyone else who feel exactly the same. Anxiety and depression have been the biggest factors in how I feel, but even on meds and with therapy I can’t seem to think good thoughts about myself. I typically have 2-4 kick butt days a month (like today). What I’ve found works for helping me feel like I’ve accomplished something is to stop making lists and stop feeling like I SHOULD be doing this or that and just do what I can. This idea would be great if I bought into it all the time. Is our society/culture to blame? Perhaps. The plethora of social media really allows us to think everyone is “doing it all,” when in reality they’re just getting by as well. Be happy with who you are and whatever it is that you can do. As a teacher I feel that you achieve quite a bit by spending QT with your daughter each day. How many parents can say that of late?
Oh shit there a like thousands of comments…so here goes. I use to be you (yes I got the anxiety and issues to match) but then one day I decided to give a lot less fucks. One would say zero fucks. Now I am me. Take or leave it. I will never be the PTA lady, my kids bday crockpot dinner was burnt yesterday and I wrapped his gift in xmas paper with xmas packing tape. You know what – it didn’t matter. Pressures I felt were all self imposed. The judgers and I would never be friends. You need to stop giving a fuck and be you. Hope that makes sense.
Another mental twin here. From personal experience, I’d say you need to up your meds.
I didn’t even realize that the way I was feeling didn’t have to happen. I upped my meds at my dr’s urging, thinking I’d just go along for a week or three to prove him wrong. And crap, I was wrong – again.
And so now I’m going to tell you the weirdly bad good news. I still screw up as much as I ever did before. But before, I’d have all those emotions you’ve described; now, I just don’t find it all such an issue. I mean, before I was counting the ways I was a screw up, and by what degrees, and how many things and people I’d messed up…but now, with more meds, my focus has changed to “I may not have had a super-terrific successful day, but the amount of mediocre-or-better far outweighed the suckage.”
It took me all day to read through these comments. So worth it. This day feels like it was not wasted.
Thank you. Honestly, you help me more than you know.
I am in the same boat sometimes. I have good days more often than you, but less often than what I feel ‘normal’ would be like, but I don’t think ‘normal’ actually completely exists for anyone. It’s regular for me to hesitate going to work because I know that I will fuck something up and I just hope it’s not too bad. I came to the realization that I’ve made a decent fuck up in nearly every job I’ve had, and it’s really the only thing I have experience in so I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m paying student loans and didn’t manage a degree, and I don’t even know what I want to do for the rest of my life because commitment freaks me out and I know I’d feel better if I at least have a direction to go in, but I’m too afraid to make that decision, and every day I wait is another fail in my book. I keep telling myself that there are so many free online courses I could at least take, but I know I’m just going to surf the internet or watch tv instead. I’m lucky to keep my house clean. Part of the time.
I think we all have days where we just feel like big piles of shit. I think that’s what normal really is.
I could have written this. I feel competent about 7 days out of the month. I have depression and anxiety, and while I “have it all” on the outside I’m basically a hot mess. I’m slowly getting better with therapy, but its not easy. I think behind every perfect pin or every syrupy sweet Facebook humble brag is a person who is very desperate to find relevance in a world that could give a shit. I’ve given up on the perfect mom shtick because I’m never going to be that. I spend the bulk of my negative energy telling myself that I’m a fraud professionally and some day they will all discover my clever ruse.
To keep these feelings at bay I go to my happy place–I knit and sew. I create beautiful things to hide the ugly thoughts about myself in my head. My husband and kids are so supportive–I just came out of a very dark episode earlier this summer and they have been my rock.
I sympathize. I often feel outside the “normal, real people GROWN UP world.” But you can’t judge yourself by the crap people say about themselves on Facebook and other social media. BECAUSE BITCHES LIE. Perfect Pink PTA moms who claim to have it all, to do it all, and to handcraft it all LIE. Because if they do all they say they do, they wouldn’t have time to raise their perfect little angels.
If I only counted full days where I felt productive I’d be fucked. If I get one or two productive things done during a waking period (day?) then that is a productive day in my book. I don’t care that there might be 10 or 12 things that didn’t get done. And by 10 or 12 I mean 100 or 120. Okay, no, I lied. It’s probably closer to 1,000 or 1,200. But who’s counting? Me. Only me. If anyone else is counting for me, they really can kiss my rosy ass. There were days the only productive thing I got done was spending time with my girls and making sure they got out the door and onto the bus with all necessary articles of clothing. I will tell you that there was a period of time during my 30’s (like from age 30 to age 41) where life was SO overwhelming for me, sometimes I didn’t do a damn thing. Thank goodness my husband is a good man who picked up the slack, because there was a boatload of slack. The super-women PTA moms are nothing more than a fragile facade that you don’t dare get close enough to touch or it will crumble. My crumbles just come with cookies (store-bought). You’re not alone. As long as your daughter knows you love her, that’s a productive day.
<3 , Barb
I’m good for about 12 days out of the month. the rest of the time, I feel cranky and evil or anxious. I think hormones really mess up whatever we’re already dealing with. thanks for keeping it real. and there are many days i don’t get stuff done. that’s life.
I USED to feel like this. I was a therapist for 10 years, so I totally get talk therapy and behavior therapy and several others, but I have never really been able to wrap my *brain* around cranial sacral-type therapy. It is hokey as hell, but it totally helped me! It was almost 20 years ago, when I was just starting as a therapist and I had a supervisor who did lots of different therapies. One day I was supposed to be talking about my clients, but my partner had just flown away to visit her parents and I really thought I was going to die. My supervisor thankfully realized that I would be more help to my clients as a less-fractured human and she started doing body-work on me. At that point I don’t think I would have been able to do talk therapy with anyone b/c my defenses were just too high, but the body-work was AMAZING! She could make me cry just by putting slight pressure on my arm. It was super intense, and I KNOW that I was working on things that happened before I had the words to even process them! Years later I went back to therapy and ever since I’ve worked off and on with a person who does Eye Movement Desensitization/Reprocessing (EMDR). The overarching theory is that if you have issues that you aren’t able to discus s b/c they make you too fearful or anxious, it is probably in part b/c those issues or memories are stuck in the right side of your brain (the emotional part of your brain) and they’ve never been successfully processed by the left side of your brain (the rational part). EMDR therapists use a variety of tools to get your eyes to move from back and forth while you talk about an issue you are stuck on. I have had stuff where, while I was in a session, I had an epiphany about an issue I struggled with for years!
But I am aware that everyone is different. Those 2 weird types of therapy helped me a ton, but might totally not work at all for others. Don’t be afraid to branch out a little when it comes to therapy, is I guess where I’m heading here. Something else to keep in mind: your talent and creativity is very likely closely linked to the traits that make you feel like you’re crazy. Make that part of your therapy discussions as well, especially if you find some type of therapy that makes things start to improve for you.
Good luck. Know that you are loved my family, friends, and a shit-ton of strangers! Give yourself the gift of getting off your own back. Your humor is an incredible gift–you make me chortle every time I read a blog post!
Fuck that noise. Depression is lying again. Who sets these goals you think you need to meet? Not you. You do what’s important – love your family, care for your daughter, keep yourself alive, find joy where you can. That’s it, all you need to do.
And the folks smiling on Facebook, crafting on Pinterest? There’s no guarantee that they’re not catfishing us all with falsehoods. And there’s no guarantee that you look as fragmented as you feel. A wise man once told me, “The world doesn’t see you as you see yourself.” I got a compliment at work regarding how on top of things I am, and all I wanted to do was show them my drawers full of papers to file, papers to process.
Many of us are just hanging on, just surreptitiously putting our burdens down every chance we get, rubbing the dirt into our pants so it’s not so obvious. You are doing better than you give yourself credit for. I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Every sunrise is a victory, every sunset is a prize. Never forget how strong, capable, and accomplished you are. Never forget.
You are a human BEing not a human DOing. Be happy being. Anything that gets done is just a bonus. I have bipolar and my life fell apart in my 30’s. Lost my job, my home, my friends, a lot of my possessions. 10 years later I’m now medicated well but can never lead the type of life I lead before. I’m lucky to take a shower every day. Who am I kidding. I’m lucky to shower a couple times a week. My daily accomplishments are eating two relatively healthy meals, taking care of my dog, maybe scooping the litter box. My definition of success had to change. I used to base my worth on how much money I earned as an executive. Now I can’t work. I have to change my value system or otherwise I’m worthless (which most days I don’t believe). A successful day is when I take care of myself and my dog and cat. I get bonus points for any cleaning or laundry I do. They key is to not subtract points for not doing it. I get more bonus points if I actually leave my condo or talk to another human being. Again nothing gets subtracted. I guess I’m trying to say don’t be so hard on yourself. Be happy taking care of your self and family. Everything else is just fake societal crap that doesn’t really mean anything.
I have depression and ADD, and sometimes the biggest thing I accomplish during a day is feeding myself…. Sometimes I don’t shower for 3 days… I know I should, especially since I have horrible acne, and I’m in nursing school… The only thing that really helps is spending time with kids. No matter what you can or can’t do, they think you’re fantastic. I got a job over the summer at a daycare, and it was the greatest thing. Now I babysit whenever I get the chance, because kids are amazing for self esteem, they’re like little happy pills…. in a totally not creepy way.
I think I’m probably the millionth person here to confirm that your feelings are “normal.” Whatever the hell that is.
I had a successful military career of 20 years, and I always felt like I would be found out any moment. I’m now in a second successful career and I might have, MIGHT have 3 days a month where I feel productive. They say a manager rises to the level of her/his incompetence and I can’t help but feel I blasted past that eons ago.
But people around me tell me differently. They tell me of the contributions I’ve unknowingly made in their lives, careers, or their (I literally just misspelled “their” three fucking times) perspective about something. I have had to learn to give these opinions some weight in my assessment of me.
I’m on Wellbutrin, and I have been for years. However, I’m otherwise mentally healthy (Can you hear my ex-wife cackling at that remark?)… So I don’t think it has as much to do with your mental/emotional health or stability. I just think this is the “new normal.” I don’t know why; it just is.
At least I hope my therapist doesn’t feel like us…
Love you kiddo!
I am definitely not going to read through 2000+ comments, but given that obscenely large number, everyone probably has pretty much said what I’m going to say, but here are my 2 cents.
I feel like sometimes the more successful you get (or at least the more successful I’ve gotten), the less successful you feel, because you’re surrounded by other people with those same (or more) successes, and you can’t see the feelings or doubts that they have since you aren’t in their brains like you are in your own.
I never knew there was a name for it, but I think I have imposter syndrome too. Or at least I used to. I always felt like whenever I had success, I got lucky. For example, I justified my good grades because I convinced myself that I would do well on a test because it happened to cover the material I knew best or because I just got lucky in some other fashion. I knew at some point the jig would be up. But there comes a time when it’s just too much of a coincidence. Nobody is that lucky. There comes a time when you kind of have to see the reality. In my circumstance, finishing at the top of my high school class may have been a fluke. Finishing at the top of my college class made me start to question whether I was truly an imposter, but I still was pretty sure I was a fraud. Finishing at the top of my law school class made me realize how silly I had been.
I still haven’t shaken off those doubts completely. But there comes a time when you have to realize that nobody is that lucky, and your successes can only be chalked up to your own capabilities, regardless of your own fears and insecurities.
I am posting without reading all the other comments because, frankly, there are too many.
I feel like I go through cycles of productivity. I am currently NOT in one. There can be a couple months at a time where I feel like I am accomplishing everything that I need or want to do. However, there are also a couple months at a time that I count getting out of bed as an accomplishment. Outside of these blocks of time are a mix of good days and bad days.
I have depression. I have had it for pretty much as long as I can remember. The only time a doctor has ever called it that is after my son was born. I was diagnosed post-partum. But it’s more than that. I don’t have insurance so I don’t get to the doctor except for “real” illnesses. I have gotten to the point where I know myself well enough to not be taken unawares by bad days (a majority of them anyway). Most of the time I can feel them coming on and prepare myself mentally for it. But it is still hard when they hit.
I think we can thank God daily for our children for a variety of reasons. For me, one of them is that my son keeps me “keepin’ on”. He’s 14 and even though he can be a smart ass, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I do miss his sweetness from when he was little. It always cheered me up. But when I get really down I have family members with babies and I go smell the babies. They calm me. They make me a little sad because I wanted more than one child and I will be getting too old to even consider another one within the next couple years. But it’s not a depressing sadness it’s more wistful and doesn’t really add to my depression.
I think Shakespeare had it right when he said “All the world’s a stage”. I think most of the “bright and shiny, happy people” are simply putting their best face forward. Just like you and I do when necessary. Everyone has shit to deal with, some just hide it better is all.
And, excuse me for saying, but from what I have seen of the PTA, they are not always the nice club that they seem. I wouldn’t join if they asked me. It’s too stressful having to pretend you like people when you aren’t getting paid to do it.
If our biggest accomplishment is to be able to love our children and express it to them so that they know every minute of every day “My mom loves me” I think we have accomplished the most important task ever. Every other thing is icing.
Jenny, you show courageous vulnerability in sharing your life with the world. And for those of us who aren’t as courageous in that way, you are an inspiration. We are all reminded that there is strength in numbers. And that is another huge accomplishment.
I submit to you that success = love. You love Hailey and she knows it = success as a mother. Your readers love you = success as a writer. Victor loves you = success as a woman and wife (2fer!). You love your cats = success as a catlady. I could go on. But I won’t.
I hope this helps you (if you ever read this far down). I know it helped me to write it.
I feel like a failure most of the time even though I have a good job, a nice house and a loving family. For all my life I’ve been the strong one, the rock everyone can count on and I feel like I’ve been faking it all along. I wasn’t able to have a child with the love of my life, I can’t keep the house clean and I’ve been battling depression and my weight for years.
My dog makes my life so much better. We rescued him at 8 months old after someone got rid of him because he couldn’t figure out how to use a dog door. He is sincerely one of the smartest, sweetest most personality filled animal I’ve ever met and I honestly feel like his soul was meant to be with me.
Ok first holy shit- my worlds have collided and you’re a [tos]ser!!! Squee! But really this song and 9 people’s favorite things are really useful in these situations
Now that I have that out my system – I don’t have depression and I probably feel totally content and successful about 5 times a month. The other 99% of the time I feel like a loser- I am the poster child for “fake it til you make it” but I constantly feel like I’m faking it: I’m 41, still single and have recently come to the conclusion that I wasted a good 15 years of my life waiting for a man who was never going to love me the way I wanted him to; everytime I see the shiny happy couples and families on facebook and in real life I want to stab them. I changed jobs a year and half ago and I seriously still feel like I have absolutely no grasp on what I should be doing. I have friends who do all the things friends are supposed to do (make the phone call, offer just the right support, etc) to keep the friendship alive and they sort of never occur to me. And lets not even discuss the 50 pounds I’ve been trying to shake for the last decade. I know all these disappointments arent the sum total of my life but yeah its really easy to let the negative thoughts take over
I don’t know if you’d be able to read this out of almost 3k comments here. I cried reading this post not because I feel sorry for anyone. I may be the only Filipino living in a far out province reading your blog today. I don’t read your blog because you have thousands of readers. I got curious of your book and I kept reading it not because it sold thousands of copies or that you work in HR, too! (that part of your book made me laugh all the time that people where my daughter has therapy thinks I need a therapy, too). There are jokes and phrases that I fail to understand because of cultural difference, still I keep visiting your site and reading your book because there are words you’ve spoken that makes me want to believe that great things, despite my being messed up, is still possible. I realized that humans will have those days that are better than yesterday and also worst. I don’t have the disorders most of you here mentioned because most often we are not diagnosed (Psychiatrists and Psychologists in our country is not a necessity). When they think that someone is out of their minds, they are either brought to faith healers (possessed), locked up in Asylum right away, or are left on the street. This is the reality here. I am not going to say you have a better life than the rest of us living in the 3rd world but I hear you all the way from my country. We have the worst here, the most corrupt government, hungry children who walks to school shoe-less but we hold that hope that maybe one day things will fucking change for the better. The deadlines, the unfinished projects, success that is not there yet- I make them the reason to move on a little bit. My daughter has GDD and I still do not have any idea what I can do for her or if I have accepted that fact. Maybe I have but mostly not. Days that I cry to my friend because I am going nowhere. I feel lost, I feel depressed, I get scared for my daughter, I feel a failure then I look at my daughter and her eyes tells me to move along. There are many things I wanted to do, cupcake business, pizza business, grow some herbs and spices and have my own house with a view of the back garden that has those herbs and spices growing on colorful tires but I can’t get my finances in order and that house will remain a dream until then.
I do not know how to make someone on the other side of the world know and feel how thankful I am for having found her. You, Jenny, are my reality check. The inspiration, the humor (laughter makes everything else light and easy), and you have gathered your shit enough for all of us to keep asking for more. The voices on your head, they’re not going to go away but you can choose what to hear from them I guess. 🙂
For the shitty days, just have some wine. Oh no, that would make one an even more alcoholic. What I do on shitty days? I pick on my husband and we argue. Misery loves company. Then I feel better. Really. Weird. Not nice. But it works.
I love you and thank you! <3
Hugs for you, Jenny Lawson. A fucked up childhood for
This is totally normal. I’m not depressed and don’t suffer from anxiety and I feel like this practically every day of the week. So, don’t beat yourself up. It’s the world we live in.
Yes, this. That whole failing to reach some amorphous potential thing shadows me all day when things are bad. I have a similar thought when I go to bed that I’m wasting my life, that I’m a failure for not being able to move forward; I have regret for failed years I haven’t even lived yet. Getting more and more behind all the time. You explained it better.
One thing that helps me is doing something artistic that doesn’t have a goal like taking a pottery class or joining a chorus for a while. It doesn’t add to my sense of accomplishment, but makes me feel more like it’s okay to just exist as part of the world and not have to be producing or accomplishing something. It takes me out of that.
My only useful suggestion is to redefine success. This is going to sound fairly whiny – it is. However, it was my reality.
When you’re a really intelligent kid in a small town, and get id’d as one of 5 geniuses in school…it kinda segregates you. You’re hated for blowing the curve and never having to study. You always have more homework that the normal kids because they want you to “reach your full potential”. Because diagramming sentences is a lifetime skill, and doing 3 times the rest of the class is totally fair.
At the same time, you’re praised for the awesome things you do. But just getting an average A on a test isn’t good enough. The kid next to you get’s praise for getting a B+; great job, the hard work is paying off, etc. You with the mere A, you’re capable of more; you need to work harder and apply yourself.
My definition of success came to doing outstanding on tasks where I could be evaluated. Merely passing with an A, at anything, wasn’t good enough. Soon, I began to avoid things where I was only average, because I got no praise for hard work. Then that became engaging only in leisure activities where I could excel, or avoid being evaluated.
I skipped college and went into the military. There were a lot of rationalizations for it, some of them were even valid. But if I’m being honest, with some 27 years of perspective, it was mostly that everyone expected me to go to a hugely difficult ivy league school my parents couldn’t possibly afford, where I’d be expected to keep up with the other geniuses. However, I already knew I couldn’t cut it; A’s weren’t good enough, no amount of work would allow me to do well.
That carried over for years into my life, far past high school. Following the end of a career, I was fairly depressed for a great deal of time. The event that put me there isn’t important; what is, is that I could no longer succeed at my chosen career, and therefore defined myself as a failure.
I went to college and started over, 7 years after the rest of my high school class. The first thing I found was that college was ridiculously easy, because I was more worried about the crap going on in my head than obsessing over my grades (which were awesome anyway).
Somewhere along the way, 10 years or more later, I figured out that hard work is worthwhile, and sometimes a good result is good enough. We’re a very results driven society, and tend to reward being #1 and results, while ignoring hard work. I’m still in the process of reminding myself every day that for most things, good is good enough. I have to remind myself daily to praise others for their hard work. Because honestly, I want them to feel rewarded for trying, thereby inspiring them to continue trying.
So far as PTA diva’s, some of them are probably outstanding people. My experience of those I’ve known is that they’ve chosen to be AWESOME at that thing, and good enough at other things (or just plain ignore them). You’re AWESOME at something. When I need reminding of that, I listen to this song
Oh, and here’s a quote for you that I really like:
“Perhaps some day I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow.” – Sylvia Plath
We are all pretending in an aspirational sort of way. The issues…the ones that eat at you…they inform how you see the world. I don’t have any practical advice. Whenever I think I’ve successfully locked anxiety and depression in a cage…they venture out to show me whose boss (I totally had a hamster that did this as well).
I really find trying/struggling/attempting to be in the moment helps. In this one moment, what do I care the most about…I focus on it and often its not depression or anxiety…Its my dog, my sister, the husband but it is…and sometimes that has to be enough…
Your work has connected so many people. Everyone feels less alone because of you.
Thank you (ps my husband read your book and thought it was a couples therapy book)
I am a playwright who has written several plays; people keep telling me how prolific I am, but I always feel like I’m slacking off and I’ll never get anything done.
I like that you blog. Please don’t ever stop. Side note: watching tv from my bed, with my family, is my most favorite thing ever.
Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a day in which I didn’t re-enact Chris Farley’s SNL “Stupid, Stupid, Stupid” skit in my head. In fact, I’m sure I’ll regret posting this about five minutes after I hit “submit.” Why? Because more than 2000 people have already told you you’re not alone and who the fuck do I think I am that anything I could say would be helpful to you. But your writing has helped me, and you asked for help, and so I will do what little I can by adding my story.
Don’t be fooled by the successes of others; don’t think that achievement equals self-acceptance. I know it doesn’t for me. When I was in high school, 30 years ago, I covered the walls of my bedroom with certificates and awards, academic and athletic. In the dining room, there was a bureau loaded with trophies. I had a letter jacket with enough pins and ribbons to make a Soviet general nod with approval. Do you know what all these things were? They were my self-esteem; they were the things that reassured me that, maybe, just for a moment, maybe I was okay.
And thus it continued, through college and jobs, always finding a way to excel, not purely out of love for the endeavor, but because I needed (need) those “things” to sustain me, always needing some sort of external validation. As satisfying as those successes were at the moment, they always also brought fear–what if this is the last one? What if I fail next time, which I probably will because this was a fluke and I got lucky? Sooner or later, everyone will see what a loser I really am and no one will want anything to do with me. Familiar, isn’t it?
The thing that drives me most fucking nuts, though, is my need for near constant reassurance that the people I care about really care about me–because how could they, really? I’m perpetually afraid that I’ve said the wrong thing, or failed to say the right thing. If I post more than two tweets in a day, I imagine people rolling their eyes, sighing, and wondering why I don’t STFU already. And the stupidest thing about this is that I know, I KNOW, that none of it is true. I know it; I just don’t believe it.
I’ve had short courses of therapy; I’ve been taking an antidepressant for several years. I understand why I developed this need for approval and validation. And at this point, I really don’t know if it’s fixable or something I’ll just have to deal with for the rest of my life. Right now I’m reading a lot about neuroplasticity and techniques for increasing activity in the relevant parts of the brain. From what I’ve seen so far, mindfulness meditation seems to be the leading strategy. Maybe that’s snake oil, but it can’t do any harm, so that’s what I’m working on.
Anyway, this is not the comment I ever envisioned leaving on your blog. I always hoped for an opportunity to make you laugh with a witty remark. Oh, well, you know what Mick says, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you get a high five from Juanita Weasel.” Or something like that.
I feel like this almost constantly. I have moments, fleeting, the very occasional day, in which I feel successful. I’m 27 and haven’t been able to finish college, had to drop out to work.
I feel like a loaf, a useless loaf of useless trivial fact and trivia. You help me feel less loafish. Thank you. Remember, depression lies.
I have to tell you that this post made me feel very sad for you. Also, for everyone else who feels the same way. While you are not alone, I don’t think it is normal to feel so badly, so often.
You know the saying ‘no one looks like the girl in the magazine, not even the girl in the magazine’? That is true of so much, of Facebook, Pintrest… It ISN’T REAL!! You aren’t going to see the problems and struggles that make up real people that way. There are just a few people out there who show everything, even the bad parts… You just happen to be one of them!
I have anxiety, and while I don’t have all the other issues that you have, I feel good, most of the time. I still have 3 am freak outs, or ‘oh my god what am I doing with my life’ moments, but overall I am happy.
I am saying this not to be an asshole, but there are probably things you can do to feel better. I am fat as hell, and stopped feeling bad about my body shortly after cutting out tv and magazines. Maybe you can reduce your exposure to the ‘fake perfect’ that you are comparing yourself to, and learn to be okay.
Like the thousands of people before me, I wish the best for you, and I hope you can figure things out to live a life that feels better. Not that your life and what you do in it needs to change, but how you feel about it! Sending you kitten hugs and positive thoughts!
Yep, I feel that way all the time.
One more thought:
If all of us were in your yard right now, we could totally make a mosh pit (except without the violence and slam dancing) and you could crowd surf on us until you felt better.
You are SO not alone. I think – in hindsight – that 3-4 successful days in a month is standard, 6 is a momentous occasion. I just started a Masters in Counseling Psychology program (perhaps because I’ve been through so much counseling I feel I should help other effed up people?) and on the first day I was plagued with such insecurity: all of these people are more articulate, experienced, qualified, passionate, etc. than me! I’ll never be successful!
It is for your realness that we love you. We are there too and appreciate your willingness to bring a voice and a platform to what we deal with.
For the past 5.5 years I have been in the thick of raising children with twins plus one. A “successful” day meant that maybe we got out of the house, they played nicely for a portion of the day, didn’t spend the entire day in front of the TV, and I actually got a decent dinner on the table. And I didn’t yell myself hoarse. Now that the twins are in kinder and the youngest in preschool, I have dreams of being productive, but…yeah. Turns out that now I’m having trouble figuring out who I am supposed to be without them.
Nope, not alone. I spend too much time thinking about how disappointed everyone else must be in my life. But it’s not really bad – just neutral, I guess.
But overall, everyday I wake up and have another day to look at my son’s fantastically lopsided smile is a good one. Even if I accomplish nothing!
Hey I hear ya. Look up “The flylady”. her system for cleaning house/ dealing with day to day errands stuff is cheesy, but it totally works for those of us who weren’t born organized and or have perfectionist tendencies. (the lady that created it is totally one of us. SHE GETS US!) subscribe to the emails, and take it one day at a time. don’t beat yourself up, eventually it “clicks”. TAKE BABY STEPS! I’ll follow it for a while, get away from it, then go back and slowly, my house and life keep running smoother. (and I’ve been doing that for years) Try it. Good luck
Hey I hear ya. Look up “The flylady”. her system for cleaning house/ dealing with day to day errands stuff is cheesy, but it totally works for those of us who weren’t born organized and or have perfectionist tendencies. (the lady that created it is totally one of us. SHE GETS US!) subscribe to the emails, and take it one day at a time. don’t beat yourself up, eventually it “clicks”. TAKE BABY STEPS! I’ll follow it for a while, get away from it, then go back and slowly, my house and life keep running smoother. (and I’ve been doing that for years) Try it. Good luck
I mentioned to you on twitter a few days ago that you’d pulled me through a few rough days…this is one of the ‘rough’ patches I’m dealing with. Forcing myself to write, forcing myself to plod through the days. I don’t even feel like I’m treading water half the time…I’m going under.
I finally made myself go back and see the doctor and I know things will get better. But I’ve definitely been there.
It’s not just you.
Nobody has ALL their shit together. I was never able to take a compliment either, then someone told me to stop deflecting and just accept it and say thank you. So instead of saying, “it was nothing”, or, “anyone could do it”, I just say thank you, and it is starting to feel good. I think most days are just ordinary days, and there are only a few special days. I try to step outside the box, now and then, and that will sometimes make me feel proud of myself. I try to smile as much as possible, and that helps create a positive attitude, most of the time. I know mental illness makes it hard to do that sometimes, but it can’t hurt to try, if you can. I hope someone else was able to give you more insight than I am able. I’m afraid I’m not a very good therapist. 🙂
Oh, how often I look at my “perfect on paper” life and spiral into another panic attack. People think I have it all! (well outside of that failed marriage and the brother who killed himself but why look at the negative). But seriously? Because the truth is, everything is a disaster (but I hide it really well) and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing personally or professionally and even though it looks like I have my shit together, I forget to feed the cats basically every other day. Not a day goes by when I don’t think I’m a total and complete fraud. My biggest fear is that people are going to find out and call me on it. Three years ago I started my own business / became an independent contractor. People hire me — and pay me!!! — to do shit. Someday everyone will realize I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and demand their money back and I’ll be homeless. Or worse, forced to move in with my parents.
I may not have washed my hair since Sunday. It’s Thursday.
What I wouldn’t give to have one day. ONE DAY. Ever. To feel like a success, like I have my shit together, like it’s going to be all right. I wish I knew what it was like to wake up without the puffy eyes, because every night when I think about things and realize what I am (or really, who I’m not) I bawl. What am I doing? How long can I keep pretending?
You are not alone.
Not just you, which by extension, or logic or something, means not just me either. Which is either a huge relief, or just confirms that things are awful right now.
I think I get about 20% of 3 or 4 individual days where I think I really have my shit together. Maybe another 10% of 3 or 4 other days. I wake up around 4 am now. The anxiety means I can’t stay in the bed once I wake up, I am a refugee on the couch until the sun comes up. The sleep deprivation is sucking whatever motivation I had out.
I get some relief when I bake. I make food, and then I feel like I’m taking care of my husband, instead of just being a millstone around his neck. He takes care of me too, so it’s not some weird gender-role throwback thing. I work at home, so in those 20% days, I work madly until the ok wears off, and then it’s back to Twitter. I have a 140 character attention span most of the time.
The funny thing is, this is the ok part of my life. I’m so much better. I forget that this is progress.
I kind of wait until you post, because then I’m not so freakish.
Most definitely not just you. I feel productive, like, 3-4 days a month, maybe. Even though I am told by almost everyone how “amazing” it is that I continue to do shit with all the medical issues I have, but I’m always like, “Uh? I’ve always had them? It’s not really persevering and shit when it’s your normal?”
But, I think it’s important to point out that it’s not JUST “going to the bank.” There’s lots that goes into even completing a task that mundane. It’s the getting ready and deciding which way you’ll get there and driving there and getting out and going in and taking care of whatever and getting back in the car and driving home and that’s only if the bank is your only destination! There’s only so much each person can do in a day. Their energy has to be dispersed amongst everything they need to complete. For some people, that might be more than others, but some people have more energy. I often find myself trying to explain to others what it’s like to get stuff done being chronically ill and in looking for ways to do just that, a friend told me that he’d found this paper, written by Christine Miserandino, about the spoon theory: http://www.thespoontheory.com. It’s seriously genius and explains it exactly. It’s talking specifically about Lupus, but I think it extends to things like anxiety and depression as well as countless other disabilities and illnesses.
And the truth? I don’t think anyone can truly exist within our society, with in patriarchy, and feel productive and awesome all the time. There is ALWAYS going to be a part of them that they compare to others and think “Man, I suck.” It sucks and I wish it were different, but that wasn’t your question.
No. No, you are not alone.
From the other side of the spectrum of only having maybe 3-4 BAD days a month? It’s not just you. It took a ridiculous amount of luck, luck in getting just the right tools in my formative years, luck in getting a couple really good opportunities and having a good, strong family unit, PLUS almost 5 years of self-training and self-monitoring to get it down to 3-4 bad days a month and doing mostly what I want to do.
Also, there’s something to be said for revising your expectation of “together” down from “picture perfect” to “Yes, the bad thoughts are going to happen, we’ll give them five minutes out of the next four hours and then fuck off brain-weasels, I can’t be having with this shabby crap, I have work to do.” I promise, the people who look all neat and together on the outside are just as likely to be clinging by their fingernails on the inside going “Can’t fall apart now. Can’t fall apart. Can’t fall apart. Can’t fall apart. Wolves will eat me.”
Since I started CBT, I’ve learned that I should say things like “A part of me feels like…” preceding statements that profoundly affect my outlook on life.
Prior to that, I could frequently be heard saying, “I feel like I’ve failed Life 101.” Parenting, friend-making, small talk (good Lord, why don’t I just shut my yapper and listen instead?!), my career (ha! what career?), marriage.
Do I still feel that way? Yup. Now I just try not to say it so much, and I’m trying to just be happy being me.
Fuck those PTA betches (sorry if you’re a reader and you’re in PTA! Some of my friends are, too!). The Bree VandeCamps of the world likely have their own demons, but they’d never admit to them. You never truly know what is going on in someone’s life.
A girlfriend of mine is always telling me not to worry about my unfinished projects or piles of stuff around the house. She points out that my kids are happy, and that I’m here with them. Those spotless, perfect homes are probably not much fun to live in, the way we figure it.
So it seems as if you’re just like the rest of us boobs who are trying to figure out what it all means.
You have the gift of a wonderful sense of humor, and that’s priceless. What a great way to view the world. The bonus? We all benefit from it, too! 🙂
Jenny! You’re doing just fine! I feel like a successful human about 4-8 days a month… just 1-2 days a month. I suffer from some anxiety issues and perfectionism and just generally being way too hard on myself. Even with the things I though would make me happy (the new job, the new house, the gym membership), still found myself with something to feel inadequate about. If I allow myself to compare myself to the PTA moms with pastel lives, I feel 56 times worse than I did before. I recently started mediating and it helps me find a little bit of quiet space in my brain each day… even for a few minutes. In this space, I KNOW I’m doing just fine. I am who I am and I can only be how I am and everything is fine. I tell myself that I’m doing just fine over and over throughout the day and with 10 minutes of quiet space in the morning, it seriously helps.
My Dearest Jenny,
As I read through your post, the one thing I kept thinking is just how very normal you are. I can honestly say I’ve felt 100% the exact same way….and still do from time to time. What changed things for me…what helped me go from feeling this way ALL the time to just SOME of the time is this: I finally realized that I’d been judging myself far too harshly. I stopped judging myself by the big successes and started appreciating all my successes…and even a bunch of my screw-ups. I got out of bed this morning! Go me! Oops! I messed up dinner. Oh well. How creative can I get with what I’ve got in the fridge? Every little thing about me…good and bad…is part of the charm that is just me and there is no one else exactly like me. I also came to realize that a lot of the imput that we get from outside sources (media, friends, etc…) is what they want us to see. By comparing myself to how great mini-me’s BFF’s mom is because she was the Girl Scout leader and I could barely get the kid there on time, I was setting myself up to feel like a failure. I didn’t see all the times that mom was fumbling around, screaming “where are the damn car keys????” while the cat played peek-a-boo with the goldfish and the puppy was in the litter box again.
I guess what I’m trying to say is…be gentle on yourself, Jenny. And be fair to yourself. We’re all 100% normal in our own special fucked up way. Some people just hide their fucked up-ness better than others. I’d rather hang out with those of us that leave it all out there for the world to see.
Did you make coffee this morning and it didn’t spill all over the place and get grounds in the water tank? Success! Celebrate the day!
Your description fits the way I felt for a long time. When I was at my worst I had maybe one day a week I felt ok. Now I can claim 5 days a week – but this is because my standards are much lower than they used to be 🙂 I learned to make decisions based on what really helped me feel better about myself, so that I could live in a way that’s more comfortable for me, even if it isn’t “what everyone else is doing,” even though I’m “not living up to my potential,” or making lots of money, etc.
Depression lies. You are a good person even on the days you don’t feel like it – to me the proof is that you follow through on the really important things like your daughter and your health. One of the hardest things to do is to be kind to yourself. Try to remind yourself that if a friend or family member was struggling the way you are, you would not be so hard on them as you are on yourself! Try to make the same allowances for yourself that you would for the ones you love.
3 or 4 days a month is all the time I ever feel wonderful for. And I think that’s also kind of important, because if we felt like fantastic people all the time, we’d never work to better ourselves. But you have to (I just started two sentences with And and But, big English no nos, look at the failure I am) realize that even on days when you don’t think you’re amazing, we all still think you’re a superhero. You’re an inspiration to thousands upon thousands of people. There have been so many days where I can’t pull myself out of bed, and I think, “depression lies,” and I do it. You make a difference and you are a wonderful human being because you aren’t a pastel PTA mom. You are Jenny, strange, clothed-and-taxidermied-animal obsessed Jenny, and we all love you for it.
So it isn’t just you, but when you feel like it is, we’re here.
Ah yes, I know this well. It’s where I live. I’m working on my PhD at a decent university and oh so often feel like a fraud and that I’ll be found out. It’s so easy to look at what I’m not doing or falling short on rather than what I am doing well. Many of my friends who are also working on their degrees feel the same way. We think, “when will they find us out and kick us out?” No as you can see from above you are not alone. How many days do I feel good/happy/positive about myself, um some months none. On good months I’d say maybe once or twice a week. When I feel good is when I’m doing what I should, when I “unstick” myself and accomplish things. I actually love what I do (as I’m guessing you feel about writing), and when I do it I’m happy. The problem is I often get stuck and just don’t/can’t do it.
It’s interesting how many people feel like us,isn’t it? I also bet many of those “happy shiny” PTA picnicking folks you mentioned feel it too. You never know what’s behind closed doors or in others hearts.
Mostly it is a few passing, fleeting moments a day where i am all right. For those moments i am very lucky, for without them i am not sure it would be worth going on. Even if there are no amount of days a month, for many reasons i keep going. As depressing as that sounds it is not in reality as bad as it seems.
You are not alone, and you are amazing.
I am 43 years old in a couple of months.
I live at home with my parents. A situation I can’t currently get out of, but which brings me shame on a minute to minute basis.
Because at this age, I really shouldn’t be here should I?
Not that I’m not grateful. I am. I have a roof over my head and food on the table.
But my independence that I cherished so much when I was young has evaporated with age. One bad thing after another led to this. And I am so lost now.
I am single. Have been for years now. I can’t share this with anyone. My head keeps telling me I will always be single. Because I can’t bear to look in the mirror at what I’ve become. And I can’t imagine that anyone would be genuinely attracted to me in any way. They’d have to be crazy to want to be in a relationship with me.
Essentially, I’m not worthy of anyone. My self esteem is far far less than zero. I feel irrelevant to life.
So I’ve stopped caring, and stopped wanting and stopped looking. It will come as no surprise that my right arm’s the size of schwarzenegger’s… the rest of me just isn’t worth thinking about.
I get anxious if I get invited out. Anxious because the few friends I see earn about a thousand times more than me, or are in wonderful relationships/marriages/have kids. It just amplifies what I don’t have.
I’m anxious because there are other *people* out there in the world. And I don’t want to risk hearing an unkind word said to me, or getting an odd look, even in jest, because I’m struggling so fucking hard to keep it together as it is.
I don’t sleep much either, thanks to the nightmares. Even when I sleep I’m kicking my head in it seems.
I used to see a therapist years ago, but I don’t anymore. I feel like I know *exactly* what i should be doing. I just can’t will myself to do it.
Or, you know, there care external factors that restrict me too. But I blame myself mostly.
I wish I had your 3-4 days a month of kick-assness (it’s a word now, ok?). I might have one every two to three months, but they never last.
And even with that, I’m sure there are some people who have it much worse than me. So I don’t complain or express any of this.
Thank you for sharing. It feels good to get this all out, even anonymously.
Thank you.
I have no idea how to put this but I’m just going to spit it out so I’m sorry for the disjointed mess that follows: You need to change your perspective. It’s so easy in modern, connected, internet bullshit America to look at things like schools moms, house d?cor, our children…blah blah blah and think that that’s the world and compare our place in it with the meatbags around us, but the reality is that this frame of reference is so very very small. There’s the whole world, and by the standards of most of it we’re clean, healthy well fed, no one is shooting at us and who gives a shit about the rest…but there’s also all of human history, and if you step back and look at most of it (think of that scene at the end of Men in Black where the big alien is playing marbles), what you call “just surviving” actually WAS the entire point of existing. Most of the people who ever lived were only trying to stay alive long enough to procreate and then attempt to die fairly painlessly. You are not being human wrong. Even “the great” people in history did one thing really well and were a fucked up mess the rest of the time. We remember Van Gogh, Beethoven, Di Vinci as giants among humans, but their contemporaries thought they were crazy fucking assholes. I guarantee you that the person at school who made whatever Pinterest-cupcake-one-upmanship-bullshit that made you feel inferior is no Beethoven. I?m not a religious person anymore, but 4000 years of distilled human wisdom does have a couple of things to offer. Micah 6:8 says ?what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God??That?s the fucking BIBLE if all God requires is those three things then you can hit the benchmark lying in bed all day. Stop expecting more from yourself than that. Most days I really only hit one of them. Maybe. To answer your questions?I pretty much never feel successful, but I don?t care anymore. I regret that I can?t even do a great job being a parent for the 20 minutes a day I see my kids, but most days I screw that up too with yelling about stupid stuff and then I?m on the internet thinking about how much I love them and wish I knew how to tell them and pack all the wisdom and love I have for them in their pockets every day ? till I see them again and that shit goes out the window because someone left the basement lights on all night AGAIN. The bottom line is we all do the best we can. We?re all in this together. It?s just my opinion, but I think you?re doing a fine job at life and I do understand that you spend a lot of time in bathrooms, beds and other hidey places but I think you?re doing fine all the same.
Well, I don’t have depression but trust me, I have those days. The days when my boyfriend calls and wants me to come over and I say no because I don’t want to brush my hair, and then he offers to come over to my place and I say no because I don’t want to brush my hair. The days when literally all I accomplish is moving from the bed to the couch and I end up snacking on crackers and apples because even microwaving something is too much work to do. And every time, I think, my god….I got a 1520 on the SATS, I started college as a sophomore, I graduated in 2 1/2 years. Everyone expected me to study law or medicine, or do something to change the world. And, as my mother ever so kindly reminds me, all of my high school friends are getting married, having kids and being productive members of society while I’m a 29-year-old bartender who’s ridiculously hungover on a Tuesday because doing shots of Fireball at five am sounded like a good idea the night before.
But….I’m happy in my choices (and I realize this is where you really have to convince yourself because this is probably easier for me than it is for you) I’ve travelled extensively, I’ve lived all over the south. I done things on my own that would terrify those classmates who chose the more traditional route. I’ve met and made friends with an astonishing variety of people. I’ve played roadie for a musician friend of mine and slept on a tour bus, I’ve danced to reggae all night in the Caribbean, I’ve snorkled on the Great Barrier Reef. I’ve stood inside a dead volcano, I’ve surfed in Hawaii. I’ve seen a Haka in person, I’ve ridden a horse through a rain forest. I’ve done a million incredible things in my life. So if some days those dishes just sit in the sink and I do nothing but watch America’s Next Top Model reruns, I’m okay with that. I call them mental sanity days-days I take just to be lazy and not worry about being productive. Because in the end, I will get fed, the rent will be paid, and anything else that is absolutely necessary will eventually get done.
Jenny you birthed a miracle child, you wrote an incredible book, you’re a wonderful wife, mother and friend, and you make millions of people laugh. Some days, it’s okay if you just accomplish the basics of existing and chill on the counch with your family. Everything else will work itself out
Thanks for your honesty, Jenny. I have long phases of feeling like I’m kicking-ass in life and then big chunks of time where I feel like I’m messing up all the time. On some recent good days, I started a fb page called The Kick-Ass Unicorn Club.
https://www.facebook.com/TheKickAssUnicornClub
I promise I wasn’t ripping off your Unicorn Success Club. I only found that fabulous blog post of yours after I started my page. Your post is hysterical and made my day!!!
I recently shared an article on the 10 paradoxes of creative folks, who are clearly challenged in many ways. Wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. Also, we live in a society that sets such high demands on us. There is a joke out there about an Italian man who says he accomplished everything on his to-do list that day. Then the to-do list is shown and the only item on it is “have coffee with a friend”. Clearly our bars are set WAYYYYY higher. Too high, perhaps?
No, it’s not just you. The “great” thing about mental illness is that none of us is never alone. It can feel that way sometimes. I get to feeling so isolated and trapped in my own mind that I fear I’ll never escape.
One thing to keep in mind:
DON’T JUDGE YOUR INSIDES WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S OUTSIDES.
Basically, we all have our shit. People don’t display that part of them. Everyone puts on a face to show to the world. When was the last time you saw an ugly photo on someone’s Facebook wall? People only present the best of themselves, but I strive to remember that that is only their outside self. I usually look fine on the outside too! Inside, I feel like a failure. I feel like I never do anything right.
I don’t feel like I deserve to take up space on this earth.
But every day, I challenge these thoughts. Some days are hard, some are less hard, but I have people in my life that I can talk to who go through the same things and constantly remind me that I am not alone. We are stronger than our illness.
Dear Malina ( #2276),
I think I love you and wish you were my best friend. Because I’m currently without many friends (solo empty nester), could really use a friend, and your wisdom is amazing.
I have a saying. “Normal people are never normal. If they are, check the basement for bodies.” Everyone has “masks.” Some are just better at putting them on than others. As for getting things done, how many problems do you have and yet, despite these, you manage to get a book out and are working on a second one. Just spending time with your daughter can be a tall order for a lot of people. You accomplish that, and that is important. (My mother suffered from numerous health problems, and she was the one who everyone came to for advice. Despite this, she felt the same way you do, and we had to remind her of how important she is by just being here.) Just being alive can be a big enough struggle. Do not sell yourself short nor put too much pressure on yourself. Also remember that stress can increase symptoms. You just moved so that might be a problem. Just let yourself recuperate for a few days or weeks and then tackle those boxes. As a sufferer of bipolar disorder, I have to remember all this too. I sometimes have to declare a “no work day” to relieve stress. This is mostly playing music and sleeping for me. This can be difficult as a fulltime worker and graduate student and daughter who helps her Dad. We have tons of stuff that my grandmother, mother, and us have accumulated over the years. I remember how my mom had hidden a Barbie necklace for Christmas when I was 5. We didn’t find it until I was 12 and moving out of the house. ;D. Back on topic, it will be okay. This will pass. Just breathe and hold on. The wheel will turn. In the meantime, I would peruse The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron if you haven’t already. She points out some fallacies of creativity that we easily fall for when writing or creating art. In the meantime, I’m praying for you. Much love, april
I feel this way often, and I struggle every day with this…and most people that know me probably have no idea.
I Have Lost So Many Close RelativesIn My Life & I Honestly Envy Them Because They Got To EScape. I Scare My Adult Kids & Hate Myself For The Things I’ve Done To Make Them Afraid For Me.
I Can’t Remember A Good Day In A Long Time.
I feel like a failure most of the time even though I have a good job, a nice house and a loving family. For all my life I’ve been the strong one, the rock everyone can count on and I feel like I’ve been faking it all along. I wasn’t able to have a child with the love of my life, I can’t keep the house clean and I’ve been battling depression and my weight for years.
My dog makes my life so much better. We rescued him at 8 months old after someone got rid of him because he couldn’t figure out how to use a dog door. He is sincerely one of the smartest, sweetest most personality filled animal I’ve ever met and I honestly feel like his soul was meant to be with me.
Honestly….I rarely ever feel like I’m kicking ass. Maybe one day a month, if that. I live in this constant hate spiral of inadequacy that is completely self-inflicted. I feel like I’m coasting through life, only doing the bare necessity of survival. In the moment, I feel like it’s all I can do to go to work and go home and just exist. But looking back, I see just how little I actually accomplished and the piles of things left undone just seem to keep growing.
I wrote a novel of a comment but I’ve edited it down to this one run-on sentence so as to spare any backlash that might have been had due to my lack of explaining myself comprehensively. (I emailed you the rest instead, though I don’t expect you to read it, just makes me feel better to have passed it on.)
Official Comment: Please don’t waste away your success by dwelling on negativity that is so fucking absurdly unrealistic, because for someone like me it’s disturbing to see someone of such value squander such wonderful accomplishments, accomplishments that I envy.
I’ve been battling my own demons lately, too. There’s not one day in the last two years where I haven’t cried. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I am starting to claw my way out of my hole by surrounding myself with positive people and forcing myself to find the good in every day. I post, on Facebook, every day at least three things that have made me smile that day. This forces me to remember the good moments in spite of the bad. Every day, it gets a little easier to see the good, happy pieces of life and dismiss the crappy failures I encounter.
Jenny, I know you didn’t ask for people to praise you, but know you are an inspiration for all of us too scared to speak out about our issues. Remember, those people you mentioned: the ones with the smiling faces and the picnics and shiny families? That’s all surface too. Everyone has their own demons. And honestly, we are all faking it at some level. I heart you for everything you write and do on the Internets and beyond. Know you are not alone.
Every morning on my way to work I see a man riding a unicycle on the side of the highway. Some days I smile when I see this. Some days I want to run him over. Some days I want to car garbage at him and see how great his balance truly is. But every day I think to myself, fuck…I should be riding a unicycle instead of driving to my shitty job, listening to my step-kid’s shitty music and wishing I was thinner, prettier and richer. We all feel like you. Those dreamy PTA moms just hide it better.
Every day I wonder when someone is going to realize I don’t know what the hell I am doing, and take away my job, my friends, my house, my too-hot-for-me boyfriend.
I am so afraid of interaction, that I haven’t had the oil changed in my car in almost a year.
I don’t ever step out of my comfort zone to improve my life.
I want to add something comforting to this, but I too tend to not think I do anything good. Ever.
1. It’s not just you.
2. Have you ‘met’ Brene Brown? Please go watch her TED Talks.
<3
Now that it has become abundantly clear that my RA is going to permanently derail my career, forever negatively impact all of my most important relationships, and keep me from ever becoming a mother, I have moved from feeling like a failure most days to feeling like a failure every day. So yeah, it’s not just you.
I have a 16 year old, a 2 year old and a 4 week old. The teenager lives with my parents 8 hours away because she wanted to finish high school where she had grown up. My two year old has more energy than a room full of crack addicts on speed. My 4 week old is pretty much a bump on the log and thank GOD because some days it takes me four hours to move past the point where I’m playing episode after episode of Dora on the TV for my toddler. And it’s not that I’m not happy to stay at home with them – I am. It’s just that sometimes the weight of being me is so heavy that I struggle to find the place where I can be a happy parent. But, if I”m honest, that’s more on the inside than the outside. I can fake it well, I suppose. I can play puzzles and clean house some days. My husband will come home and thank me for dinner and we’ll sit down and eat like normal people and yet, even then, I still fall into bed that night wishing I was one of those moms who had sun shining out of their ass and a full garden in the yard and… so many other things that I will never be and never do. And some days are less successful. Some days are days when my OCD is too hard to live with – when I’m convinced that we’ll leave the house for a short walk and a drive-by shooting will happen and I’ll lose my toddler, who is pretty much the light of my life at the moment. This fear terrifies me to the point where I am stuck inside, keeping her stuck inside, until a moment a few days later when I can put one foot in front of the other despite the fear and life begins again.
I don’t know that there are even days a month when I feel like a success. Maybe moments. I’ll clean the house in an hour and feel like SUPERWOMAN! for the next thirty minutes until the baby shits on my shirt and I realize I haven’t done laundry for myself in a month and haven’t showered in three days.
If I’m honest with you I’d tell you that I have a wonderful life full of many blessings and yet my brain makes sure that every day is full of deflating moments. Stupid brain. Stupid lazy, lying, asshole of a brain that is wired so differently than it should be that it attacks me in this way. That it puts me in the position of raising these wonderful children to be wonderful adults without letting them see just how hard it is for their mother to function sometimes.
Thank GOD they will grow up with a parent that realizes there is no Normal and that if they need a little help it’s okay and I will work my ass off to help them never feel the way I feel on a regular basis. I hope like hell it’s successful.
You know? Maybe that will make me feel like a success. If my kids are never like me.
You’re not alone at all. The closest I’ve ever come to being diagnosed is when I went to a psychiatrist to get an evaluation for the possibility of getting back into the Navy about 10 years ago, since I got kicked out on psychological grounds (ectopic pregnancy precipitated a breakdown). The piece of paper I got from the guy noted that I have 4 or 5 of the 9 criteria for Borderline Personality.
There are days I do really well to bathe myself. Kicking ass? I maybe do that once or twice every two or three months. I know I’m bone lazy, and that plays into things, but I just… fail. And I’m pretty consistently failing at life right now.
I am not yet 30 years old, I have moved out of the family’s house, I have a job that pays me more or less enough to live on, and I don’t have any seriously destructive habits except hating to cook or sweat. I wash my hair at least once a week, I can do several useful things, and I am capable of empathy. If I don’t say anything to the contrary, I probably look like I have at least most of it together most of the time.
And I feel like this should be enough to make me happy with myself. But it almost never is.
I’m sure this will just get lost in the MASS of posts, but you are not alone. As you can tell from the huge page of comments.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt accomplished.
I actually look up to you every day, even with everything you have going on, because you seem happier then me. Like you, I have a beautiful daughter, and a husband who loves me for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. I’ve had mild-moderate-severe depression my whole life, and after my daughter was born, it was even worse. I feel like I have a hard time loving my daughter. I wonder how you can cope with your depression, and deal with a hyper kid (mines almost three, she has more energy then the sun). I can yell at her, and she still comes back to me just to sit on my lap and watch Mickey. I hope one day I can be as happy with her, as you are with your daughter.
I cannot take a compliment, so maybe I have this impostor syndrome as well. I think my boss gets mad at me for it, tries to thank me for doing something, or give me something else be believes I can do, and I feel like I’m just going to FAIL at it. Like I feel like I FAIL at everything else in my life.
So in other words, you’re not the only one who feels like everyone else has it together. Who feels like everyone is judging you, and your house, and your kids, and your pets, and your website, and your everything. Everyone else does not have it better. At least, that what I get from this. And as for the whole house thing? Have you ever checked out UFYH? unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/? That is full of people, just like me, and just like everyone else, STRUGGLING to keep there house looking as good as magazines. It’s helped me a lot, even though my house is still a mess.
I hope that this, and every other comment on this page has helped. If not with making you feel better, but knowing that, maybe you’re not quite as crazy as you feel?
Nope, not just you. I feel like this….and I can be an annoingly cheerful person. I am theoptomist to mynhusbands moody batman persona. This made me think becausehonestlymIm have been focused on this very thing lately. I don’t have a lot of amswers but it seems to me It helps to ignore other people’s lives and try to just do what feels like the right thing. I try and remember the days when I feel like I did things right so that I can remember I can do things I am proud of…so most of the rest of the time I can remind myself they will come again. Comparing yourself to others online or the perfect people out in public doesn’t work…to me it seems like most of what you see is a costume of “normal” people wear in the world to get by.
You can’t be everything every day…some days one thing is a cool thing at best. For me, at the end of the day it’s the little things for me I see in random things that make me smile that keep me going.
You’re so not even close to alone in this. I feel like this so very often. When someone compliments me, it’s so hard to believe them. I feel like, no matter what my accomplishments, I’ve failed in my life. So no, you’re not the only one.
I’m sure this will just get lost in the MASS of posts, but you are not alone. As you can tell from the huge page of comments.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt accomplished.
I actually look up to you every day, even with everything you have going on, because you seem happier then me. Like you, I have a beautiful daughter, and a husband who loves me for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. I’ve had mild-moderate-severe depression my whole life, and after my daughter was born, it was even worse. I feel like I have a hard time loving my daughter. I wonder how you can cope with your depression, and deal with a hyper kid (mines almost three, she has more energy then the sun). I can yell at her, and she still comes back to me just to sit on my lap and watch Mickey. I hope one day I can be as happy with her, as you are with your daughter.
I cannot take a compliment, so maybe I have this impostor syndrome as well. I think my boss gets mad at me for it, tries to thank me for doing something, or give me something else be believes I can do, and I feel like I’m just going to FAIL at it. Like I feel like I FAIL at everything else in my life.
So in other words, you’re not the only one who feels like everyone else has it together. Who feels like everyone is judging you, and your house, and your kids, and your pets, and your website, and your everything. Everyone else does not have it better. At least, that what I get from this. And as for the whole house thing? Have you ever checked out UFYH? unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/? That is full of people, just like me, and just like everyone else, STRUGGLING to keep there house looking as good as magazines. It’s helped me a lot, even though my house is still a mess.
I hope that this, and every other comment on this page has helped. If not with making you feel better, but knowing that, maybe you’re not quite as crazy as you feel?
I don’t have any of the above challenges/diagnosis, and I still feel like I’m a failure more days than not. If that helps.
And I cant type on my phone at all…sorry for the typos….
G.A.D. here. I have peace when I’m running (which I am also not very good at, but I love it, and it makes me feel like a warrior.) The days that I run are when I feel my best. And maybe that’s why whenever I am injured and can’t run I fall apart, because I am convinced I will never, ever, ever run again. I also have great difficulty in social situations….mostly wonder why I can’t make normal conversation like the rest of the world’s population and why I don’t seem to need a big bunch of friends like the rest of the world does. I’ve always thought I was content being an introvert, but sometimes wonder if it’s some kind of defect. Too often I feel like a visiting alien, and there is not one group on Earth I could ever fit in with. Luckily for me, I have an amazing husband (who is my best friend) and wonderful family. Love you and love that you shared this. Thank you. 🙂
I feel like I fail at life most days too. I don’t know what else to do but to keep trying. Most of me is convinced that my disability and my mental illnesses are not real, and that I’m a huge fake. Most days I have maybe an hour where I feel like I’m not a complete and utter failure. Here’s hoping that back surgery allows me more mobility/less pain, because maybe then I won’t feel like I suck quite so much. You aren’t alone, no matter how you feel. I’m just going to keep faking it, and hope it’s enough.
You have no idea who I am and really I’m just one in a few thousand comments, but I’m the same way and don’t have depression or anxiety or anything… my shrink told me so.
I try really hard to remember that other people are like a finished work of art. You can’t see the shit wrong because you’re not on the inside. I look at some painting of say… a landscape or a pear, and I don’t know how off the mark the artist was, how much they screwed up their still life and just made it look ok but it’s not actually “right” … Hell, even DaVinci you can see the drawing lines underneath, corrections, etc, if you use like xray or some shit. But the struggle is invisible to the naked eye of the outsider. On the outside everyone seems to have their shit together because we all hide our fuckeduppedness pretty decently for the short time we have to interact with the rest of the world. Inside we’re all insecure teenagers.
I constantly feel like I’m riding on my partner’s success, that I wouldn’t have this work if he didn’t vet me, I’m a fraud and it’s practically criminal how much I charge for my services… But shit man, someone is willing to pay that and is happy with my work so I can’t be that shitty. Unless they have bad taste… which is how I usually feel when people LOVE my work… that they wouldn’t know good work if it came up and bit them on the nuts…
So yeah… I think we’re all like that.
It is not just you.
Last January I got my favorite, best job in the whole world. One where I feel like I’m doing things and making people’s lives better and really connecting with a lot of people and improving things greatly (I work as an aide in a special ed classroom) and although my Awesome Successful Days have greatly increased, they are still not monumental. I’d say I went from 1 to 10. 1/3 of the time doesn’t seem too bad, though. It’s better than it was before.
It is not just you.
Last January I got my favorite, best job in the whole world. One where I feel like I’m doing things and making people’s lives better and really connecting with a lot of people and improving things greatly (I work as an aide in a special ed classroom) and although my Awesome Successful Days have greatly increased, they are still not monumental. I’d say I went from 1 to 10. 1/3 of the time doesn’t seem too bad, though. It’s better than it was before.
1. “Depression lies” – The Bloggess
2. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ? Albert Einstein
3. ”You Never Fail Until You Stop Trying “-Albert Einstein
Things I tell myself all the time. I am not even close to where I wanted to be in my life, or where I think I should be. I know I don’t want to stay where I am, but I feel like I am stuck in a deep well and I can’t get out of it.
As for those ‘Supermoms’ that you think you should be like… Every once in a while someone will tell me that they can’t believe how much I do every day. Or how do I do it all? And I think they are fucking crazy. I don’t accomplish half of what I need to do each day. I get home from work each day with a to do list that is so intimidating I can’t get off the couch at night, and it takes every fiber of my being to get out of bed in the morning. The only thing that keeps me going is my children. As long as they are happy and healthy, that is the only measurement of success for me right now.
Lawsbians are coming out of the woodwork, Jenny!! All I can say is no one is perfect and therefore everyone is a perfect version of themselves. Keep being you, we love you just the way you are.
You are not alone. At all.
I am one of those you would consider a “pastel person” (I think.) Others would describe me as positive, happy, energetic. I love to host parties where the napkins match the centerpiece and the cupcakes are perfect and the house is spotless. At the end of the day, I usually feel good. I’d say I have at least 28 days per month when I know that something good happened and I feel like I was part of something positive.
However, I also suffer from impostor syndrome. At least 12 times per day I think someone is going to walk in my office and say ‘Who the hell let you in here? Why are you sitting behind the boss’ desk??’ At least 4 or 5 times per day I say to myself “I suck at this.” I’m also really good at hiding stuff. If I have a party, the napkins match and the cupcakes are adorable, but the door to the laundry room is firmly shut and locked and if someone offers to take the trash I have to politely decline, because they would be horrified at the state of my garage. I show up to work in an outfit that is professional and business-like, but my car (which no one else ever gets to ride in) has a mouse living in it and there is crap on the floor. Everything in my world appears put together and organized, but it is definitely not.
My brother has severe depression, and thinks my life is perfect. He describes his world as you described above. Self doubt, disappointment, and a unending sadness he can’t shake. He and I have spent hours and hours dissecting why his brain and mine are different. We were raised in the same house with the same parents. We still haven’t figured it out. For some reason, with me, the self-doubt and the negative thoughts don’t “stick”. They hit me, and I tell myself to shut up, and it works. With him, they persist and grab him and pull him towards the floor. My brother spent years believing that I never dealt with any of this: that I was “lucky” and shiny and never felt dumb or incapable or unworthy. I spent years thinking he had the power to talk himself out of his depression and he was choosing not to do it. We were both deeply wrong.
My point with all of this is that the “pastel people” if I accurately represent them, have EXACTLY the same issues. We are just either hiding it all or able to shake it off in a sort-of “fuck it” state of mind. I don’t know why. That may not help you feel better, but hopefully it helps you not feel so alone.
So. I feel like I did crap pretty much every. single. day. Like, half the time my kids have leftovers or sandwiches because who the hell has energy to cook dinner every single day? Let alone make cute meals, shaped like your child’s favorite book character out of vegetables because your kid just loves every vegetable on the planet.
I used to be able to get most of it done and even have time for crafts. Then I got cancer. And went through treatment. And was in remission, but my body is still freaking broken and medicines I’m on play havoc with my hormones and emotions. And too many days my day is a success if I have completely broken down and cried. I’m all Look! I vacuumed. Half the floor. I win. And it’s killing me. Which makes me feel worse, which means I have less energy to do things the next day. Which makes me feel even worse. And yeah. I’m sure you get the picture.
It sucks big time. And I’m not sure I believe that most people aren’t just 15 minutes away from being in that place. But it’s the internet, so we put up pretty pictures, and we update facebook about how fabulous our life is, and we pin the really cute craft we made (even if we swore 95092750475 times while making it, burned our fingers, screamed at our kids). Damn-it, it’s done, and it’s cute, and if I put it right on the corner of the counter to take the picture, no one will see my 50 piles of clutter or the dishes by the sink from 2 nights ago (because that was the last time I cooked). Because we want to be more, do more, have people like us, and think we have it all together. Except all we do is make other people feel like crap because they don’t have it together like we do. And we sigh internally and we hope that no one figures out that we don’t have it all together.
Just my two cents
I feel like this all the time. I line up evidence to support my view that I have failed and am terrible at life. I receive the love I get from my friends and family, but it weighs lightly against the heavy sense that I don’t know what I’m doing, that I am moving backwards from what little success and stability I managed to attain. I try to find satisfaction and pride in the small things. Today, I made real dinner instead of eating yogurt and chex mix for dinner! I didn’t cry at work! But those things are so very basic; they are things that everyone else is doing every day without effort. The effort it takes me goes unrecognized, but it costs me from my limited stores of wherewithal, leaving me with less than I had.
You and this community are a place where I find solidarity, strength, and a sense that I am not alone. thanks all.
I won’t add too much, since you have a bazillion comments to sift through, but I’ll just add a big giant ME TOO. To all of it. Even the depression/anxiety/ADHD. You are so NOT alone in this, not even a little bit.
Also, when I’m feeling like a big hellish failure, this always, ALWAYS makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME: http://weknowgifs.com/gif/fuck-this-cat-gif/
I haven’t read through the 2300+ (!!!!) comments but I’m guessing most if not all of these say something to the effect that what you think and feel is not that unique and that a lot of people feel the way you do. I am also one of those people. You asked “what do you do to make yourself more successful?” I don’t know if this makes me successful, but it almost always makes me feel better. I make a to do list and put one thing on it. Just one thing. And I make sure it’s a “win” situation for me. So maybe the thing I need to do is Go to the Bathroom. Or Hug (insert my child’s name). And when I cross that one thing off my list and see the words crossed off, something in me lifts. Because, then, if I do nothing else, I will have at least done everything on my to do list. And if I do one or two things more that day, then it’s like I’m getting ahead of the game.
PTA? Really? Even people IN the PTA don’t like it…
Picnics? Bugs and dirt….sign me up
Where in the hell did you get your “Successful Human Checklist”? If you paid for it, you were ROBBED!
Remember just because you think (even believe) something DOES NOT make it true.
I’m not very good at being a person….Wrong. You are not very good at being a mongoose or a cow, but you have the person thing down pat.
Who would you trade your life with? Which Kurdistan? Hillary? Allie?
When your daughter first holds her child in her arms she will think, “I hope you always feel as loved as I did growing up”
http://www.ted.com/talks/drew_dudley_everyday_leadership.html
The fact that it took 5 minutes to scroll down should tell you something.
You have such an ability to type how I feel that it amazes me.
The next time I get the balls to go to the mental health clinic I’m printing out some of the things you have written to answer their questions.
I went once but they basically blew me off and told me I was “fine”
Um, gee thanks, then why was I there?
I was going to write earlier but talked myself out of it because really, among your thousands of followers, who the heck am I? So I gave it up and went to bed, but I couldn’t get to sleep, thinking about the things you said. One that particularly stuck with me is that to feel successful you huddle under a blanket with your daughter and watch Little House on the Prairie. I can assure you that those moments will stick with your daughter and mean more than ever having a mother who fits the shiny, perfect stereotype. My mom struggled a lot with feeling like she didn’t do enough, her house wasn’t clean enough, she didn’t look right, etc. But some of my (and my sister’s) fondest memories are of the times when Mom would say “Heck with the housework, let’s go swimming!” Even as a little kid I knew that I was so grateful to have my mom and not my aunt whose house was always perfect, who dressed nicely, etc. She was a really nice aunt, but I loved that our mom was more invested in having fun with her family than in being perfect, even if she did struggle with it.
I do understand feeling like an imposter and that you’re not doing “enough.” I’m currently in a job that’s relatively comfortable but incredibly non-challenging, but I’m terrified to try something else because I read the list of job requirements and tell myself that I could never do all that – even though I do most of it every day. I must be faking it and someone will find out! But anyway, although it sounds like you’re in a place where maybe you can’t truly take it to heart, there’s no way to measure what you do for your readers. Being so honest about your depression, your insecurities, your fears – you give hope to a whole bunch of us out here who feel the same way. And although it may sound corny, some days just knowing we can count on you for a laugh is an incredible gift. I know having some stranger say this may not mean much, but far from being an imposter, Jenny, you are truly the real deal.
This all sounded better when I was laying in bed composing it in my head, but I feel better for having said something. Mostly I hope someone reads the line about my mom and smiles. I feel pretty lucky for those times, and I bet your daughter does too for those reruns of Little House. 🙂
I’d say the number of days I feel like I kicked ass vary. I went through a rough patch a couple months back and I felt more like I was kicked in the ass on a daily basis. Things have been getting better and I am proud to say I am actually feeling like I kicked ass about 2 days a week. I usually have another 2 or 3 a week of feeling like I did okay and the other 2 or 3 run from “Hey, you didn’t actively fuck anything up today” to “Life is a pile of shit and I completely suck at it.”
I feel the worst when I let my insecurities and anxieties paralyze me and I spend all day surfing the internet. I’m working on that. All it does is make me feel even worse than worst because I get less done.
Success looks different depending on where I am emotionally. Lately my way of helping myself feel successful (even on the less good days) is taking a few minutes to list at least 3 good things I did that day. Some days they may seem like small things (for example, I have some pretty intense social/small talk anxiety and if I did something as simple as have a short dialogue with someone I don’t know it’s a big deal to me) and some are bigger accomplishments, but they are all important to me.
I’m one of those PTA moms who might look like I have all my s#it in a row, but it’s all appearances. My home is a mess and I have a list of to-do’s a mile long. I wish I had more energy, time, and money to make my home look like all of those people I see on facebook and pinterest, too. A friend will post a photo of the kids doing something cute, and I’m looking at the background, thinking, “Why can’t my kitchen counters look like that?” I think it’s something in our female DNA — to compare ourselves with others. I wish I could be one of those women who don’t care what others think and just accept my shortcomings and celebrate the things I excel in.
I’m in the longtime reader, first time commentor category too – but I feel the need to respond honestly to such an honest post and so many comments. Clearly you’re loved well.
But here’s the thing – there is great comfort in company but I want to make sure you also hear another voice to this – I mostly feel good about myself at the end of every day. Some days I’m exhausted, didn’t accomplish much, question what the point of everything is or go to bed knowing the best I can do is get up and try again tomorrow, but fundamentally, most of my days are ok. Doesn’t mean I totally blew them out of the water every time and think I’ve reached new heights, but I suspect that’s not what you meant by good days. Many of my days are really good.
And I have chronic illnesses and had post-partum depression. Serious depression runs in my family – I know what it looks like so I’m not saying this lightly. I know what the alternative looks like and I know the sheer willpower it can take to just get through a day. But a life changing moment I had with a doctor I trusted finally convinced me to try a new treatment – he said (and I was in a place to hear him) “I know you’re fine. I’m not saying you’re not. I can see you’re working hard to be in as good a state as you can. But it seems to me you’re working way harder than you need to to get there. I think if you try this you might get the same results without working so hard.”
I feel like you’re working so damn hard and doing a great job at it. But maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard.
Maybe your meds aren’t quite right just yet – my family experience says it can be a stupidly long journey to the right meds but it doesn’t sound to me like you’ve found the right mix yet. I think the reason my dad was as sick as he was (doing a valiant job of hanging in there, by at a great cost to himself) was that people kept telling him that once he started a new med he’d feel better and so he assumed that once it kicked in, that was what better must feel like. Now on different meds (after hitting a dark dark place), I think if he’d known what better really felt like he’d have fought harder (somehow?) to find it sooner.
Here’s the good news – he found it. Most days he feels better than not (not perfect, but better). Here’s the harder to say part – he wasn’t around much when I was a kid – I think he worked all the time to get through the day – and I had times when I wasn’t sure how our relationship would turn out. But I had and have a good life. We’re close. He’s a great grandfather. I am so grateful for how hard he worked to be here with us. But I’m super pissed he had to work that hard. Haley is really lucky to have you working so hard – I predict grown up Haley will recognize and tell you that someday.
I don’t think 3-4 good days is normal. It might be pretty common, but I don’t think that’s the best you have coming to you. I hope you find a way to not have to work so hard.
You also asked what people do to help themselves. Who knows what works for everyone but here’s a few habits I’ve realized might not be the norm, but they seem to help me when I need them:
– I rarely look at someone and think they’re fundamentally better at X or Y – I almost always assume that if I had had their life/training/practice/desire to do that thing, I could do it too. I just made different choices or had different experiences. I remind myself of that when I need to. It’s a basic premise that I think makes a huge difference in my self esteem.
– I don’t spend a lot of time telling others my faults even though I have some friends who traffic in putting themselves down (I can tell a good story about stupid mistakes as much as the next person and often do), but the deepdown flaw stuff I keep to myself. I don’t need to make myself feel worse about those flaws just to make someone else feel better about themselves. There are other ways to support my friends and unless I’m seriously trying to fix those flaws, dwelling on them doesn’t seem to help (Indigo Girls, man: “The less I seek my sores, the closer I am to fine.”).
– I’m not above giving myself a little internal pep talk as I walk to something/somewhere I’m unsure about. A reminder of why I’m cool/awesome/good at something/have friends or whatever. Embarassing if I ever got caught being so vain, sure, but sometimes you need to be your own cheerleader, especially when you’re not feeling it.
– I look up. Sounds stupid but I’ve figured out that I look down and away from people on dark and really tired days. People treat you differently when you do that. They believe your body language. When I look up, I have to make eye contact and look around. That almost always makes my mood better ( there are some strange, small, everyday things to enjoy out in the world).
– I give myself a limit to how long I can be isolated from the world and then I push myself into motion – external contact almost always gives me some inner energy. When I was depressed after my second child, I’d make myself go to the mall or grocery store. If I could smile at the clerk or a little old lady who cooed at my son, I’d feel like I was pulling off normal for a bit and somedays normal would stick for awhile.
I wish you more good days and less work to get them. You’re amazing – hang in there.
Feelings are not facts.
This is something I didn’t make up, but it helps me.
I am, oh gosh, the happiest person in the world when I’m happy, but my brain tells me I want to kill myself pretty quickly when I feel like shit.
It scares me, but I have lived through a lot. I try to remind myself that I’ve been through worse. Live through this. It gets better. And it always does!
And like you, Jenny, my child saves my life every day.
I’m 50 y/o and have felt like this for most of my life. Started really being noticeable (to me) a short time after becoming a nurse 20 yrs ago. At first I was all, “look at me helping humanity and saving lives” but then it became more, “well, I didn’t kill anyone today”. Then it got to where I could look past the fact that I had prevented a potentially fatal complication in a patient and focus instead on forgetting to chart someone else’s bowel movement because I was distracted! Therapy, meds (anti-depressants) and even changing jobs for a while helped but I always wound up back in nursing because, honestly it pays better than being a clerk at a tiny, quiet bookstore (my dream when I get too stressed). Patients and families tell me they love me, co-workers tell me I’m a great nurse. I tell myself I pay more attention and focus more on my patient’s needs so I can block out my own! In 20 years I can count on one hand when I have felt I have done something truly worth being called a nurse.
The (sadly) funny part is that work is where I feel I am at my best too. Once home, it’s a good day if I get a load of laundry and/or dishes taken care of. Outside of work I have maybe 2 or 3 days a month, if I’m lucky, where I manage to do something that isn’t “essential”. Eventually I sit down and pay bills or go grocery shopping, etc., but visiting a friend (I have 2) or doing just anything I want to do takes so much more effort than I feel I can muster. Usually I’m drug into doing something by others and mostly enjoy it.
The good news is, my 2 daughters are fabulous and have always been wonderful. They have their lives together and make me want to be like them when I grow up. 🙂 I never did the PTA thing either since I was a mostly single mother and nursing shifts aren’t exactly conducive to “being there” like so many of the shiny people you speak of.
So, no, you aren’t alone. You aren’t crazy. Apparently from reading the 2300+ comments you and I are just part of the “new normal” I have heard so many speak of. Wish I knew how to change it, but I haven’t a clue. Sorry this is so long.
And don’t bother with my blog link, I haven’t even opened the page in months!
2300+ comments?!?! well, one thing is for sure. You’re good at reading comments if you get here.
I feel like I’m winning a lot, but I don’t expect a lot out of life. When I die, if all people say about me is that I made them laugh, I’m calling it a win. I feel that being happy is all about taking joy where you can get it and setting achievable goals. Some people were created to cure cancer and some of us are meant to just make those around us smile.
What makes me feel the worst is when my day planner is full of things to do and no happy little red check marks next to things, but I tell myself that “tomorrow is another day and like all good procrastinators, I can kick ass tomorrow.” ….that, and when I talk first and think later and realize I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. I hate that feeling.
But enough about me.
You might benefit from reading the book, The Amen Solution just because knowledge is power and all that…..if you’re living on just Cheetos, eating a better diet might be helpful. I expect you’re not, but just in case.
I think that the thing you do better than just about damn near anyone on the planet is be real. You come online and put yourself out here and raise awareness for mental illness and make people feel like they’re not alone. It takes a really brave person to do that even if you don’t realize that you’re being brave. AND you’re totally accepting of everyone else. Your post on Mother’s Day was fucking awesome!
There are people out there that are more accepting of other people and certainly more full of love than a lot of the planet and you are one of those people. You are an inspiration and even if you don’t believe it right now, the world is a FAR FAR better place because you are here. All you have to do is be.
It is definitely NOT just you! I don’t have major anxiety or the huge responsibility of having kids (I am always impressed by anyone with kids… I can barely keep up with my cats’ needs) like you do, and most days, when I get home from work, I accomplish absolutely nothing. I generally have 1 day every 1-2 weeks where I will actually be motivated to do basic things that I need for day to day survival, such as laundry or grocery shopping. The rest of the days, I consider it a victory if I remembered to water my plants (and my dead plants can attest that that doesn’t happen all that often…)
It seems to me like you’re choosing the right part of parenthood to excel at. Spending real time with your daughter is more important than being on the PTA. In 20 years, neither of you will look back and think about how much better your lives would have been if you’d been on the PTA, but she will remember the afternoons when you watched TV together snuggled up on the couch.
I think that most people feel the same way you do–even the Perfect Pinterest People. The thing is, other people don’t get a say in this. What should matter in this is you and your family. If the amount of things you do in a day causes you to be distressed (concerns about other people’s perceptions of you and comparison to the Pinterest bloggers aside), then for *your* sake, you might want to make some changes. If the only thing that’s causing you distress is comparing yourself to other people and worrying about what they might think of you, but you are otherwise fine with the amount of stuff you get done, it doesn’t seem like you need to change.
Any change that you make should be motivated by you and your family and what will make you happier.
If you decide that you do want to make a change in your life, there is a really cool blog on Tumblr called “Unfuck Your Habitat.” The person that runs the blog is a big advocate of small steps making a big difference, and reminds you that if you only have time/energy to spend 5 minutes a day cleaning or unpacking, or whatever, your house is 5 minutes cleaner than it had been. She talks about how little things like making your bed, or keeping one surface clean for a whole week can make you feel successful. It’s not your usual “perfect person cleaning tips” website. It’s full of swears and examples of normal people struggling to keep up with the day-to-day. It helped me realize that I’m not alone in this and that I can get better. It’s changed my outlook on keeping up with my house and I’m slowly getting better at not letting big projects intimidate me into not trying to tackle them.
If you’re not into Tumblr, there’s also an iPhone app and a regular website. Here’s a link to the main page and the post that inspired me to try to turn things around:
http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/
http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/post/56181930156/the-depression-messy-house-cycle
You have been a real inspiration to me ever since I found your website a year and a half ago. You seem to be a really incredible person, and knowing that you have trouble keeping up with the day-to-day doesn’t diminish my opinion of you at all! I think I may love you even more because I know that you’re just like the rest of us mere mortals 🙂
I hope that whatever you decide, it brings you peace and happiness!
with medication I do very well. But, it has been a long process, as with you, in finding the right cocktail.
I am going to be very cliche and rattle off some quotes that I have to refer to when I need support; Depression Lies and Everyone is fighting a different battle. The “Stepford” moms that go to PTA have issues too. You spend time with Hailey and that’s what really counts.
We need blogs like this to help keep everyone going when we feel like we are failing at life.
And really, who are the people defining “normal”?
Never stop Jenny!
I can’t say about normal, but I experience what you describe. It took a long time to allow myself to forgive myself for things that didn’t work or stuff that didn’t get done. Consciously setting a low bar helps me when I’m really starting to spiral out of my ability to keep up a routine (example: vacuum the room I’m in, not the whole house. Success!). Even better for me, though, was to accept that people have a different sets of values and choose to juggle or drop different things. I do what I can integrate into my life, and I don’t do what I cannot integrate into my life. So it goes.
And, I read the Feminist Hulk, who has a lot of good things to say: https://twitter.com/feministhulk
I rarely if ever feel like I’m successful. Crappy job, crappy apartment that we’re stuck in because my husband got laid off earlier this year so we can’t even pay all the bills. I feel like a loser to be honest.
After reading over 2000 posts, I hope you know that you are not alone. I also hope you know that all the people that you envy and think have it all together are probably wishing that they could stay at home in their pajamas every day and have the impact and creativity that you do. Yeah, so you have some dusty boxes in the corner to unpack and your hair needs washing, in the words of the immortal Liam Neeson “I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.” You, Bloggess, have mad particular skills. You’re not an imposter and you have actually made Neil Gaiman laugh. You are enough.
I feel like a loser most days and am super critical. I had a good day today because I read a Facebook post by Elizabeth Gilbert who described a man she interviewed once who was a renowned athlete and then had a horrible accident and later had another accident and his lesson was this: never waste your suffering. Use it to get closer to God, to yourself, to your fellow man. Don’t skip the catharsis by focusing on the pain.
That is what you are doing by sharing this. Thank you for putting this out there. You are not alone and the more we admit to all of our psychotic neuroses, the less overwhelmed and gobsmacked we can feel by our daily lives.
Don’t give up….keep at it.
I know you can’t spend the next week reading all 2,600++ comments so you probably won’t see this. But Jenny, your writing has literally saved my life. And I mean that in the actual meaning of literal, not the new fangled, let’s-see-how-many-headlines-we-can-generate sense that dictionaries seem to be competing for.
You, Allie Brosh, and Jen Yates have been amazingly honest and intimate with your readers. And you’ve demonstrated that depression does lie. You are all amazing human beings and interesting, creative writers, and the insight and laughter you’ve brought to my life was much appreciated. But your forthright struggles with mental illness (and the reader responses) has shown how ubiquitous feeling inadequate at life is. You’ve made me realize I’m not as alone as I feel, and not nearly as worthless as I make myself out to be.
You are not alone and it certainly isn’t just you. I can’t be a PTA mom. I don’t have the patience, or the tact, to sit through any type of meeting with a bunch of moms who have nothing better to do than stalk their children at school. (In reality, I know most of those PTA moms are fantastic people who just want to make a positive difference and are doing their part.) Most times, I don’t even contemplate how much of a horrible person that makes me, but other days it will eat away at me, and be compounded by the fact that I know I am bothered by it, but not willing to change it. If I didn’t have to pay bills and feed/clothe my children, I would not even get out of bed each day. Waking up is an enormous accomplishment all by itself.
Just remember that you can’t please everybody, sometimes not even yourself. BUT, you still make someone happy everyday, and you ARE making a difference to a lot of people, just for waking up each morning. Those 3-4 days that you feel successful? They are a culmination. You couldn’t have those successful days without first surviving the less than stellar days.
You are an awesome woman. Stellar. For real.
Girl, I feel you.
I feel you so much I wrote that song you shared: ‘Die Vampire, Die!’.
I think most of us walking around on planet earth are battling those vampires a goodly part of the time. Shit, I wrote the damn song, and I recently couldn’t get out of bed for a couple of days. #Realness
In a neat twist, over the last few years, YOUR writing has provided ME with moments of lightness and enjoyment, a reprieve in the midst of darker swirls. YOUR work helped transform some n’awesome moments into awesome moments for me. How about that? Circle of inspiration, yo.
AND there are also times when I have read your writing and thought, ‘Fuckwater. I will NEVER be that good…I will NEVER measure up to that. Another piece of evidence that I am not enough.’ The Vampire of Comparison…can take a long, cool sip out of my asshole.
But there is relief to be had. In addition to other good practices (cognitive therapy, moderate exercise, a sensible diet, regular sleep, vigilant vampire slaying, etc.), I recently added vedic (transcendental) meditation to my life. My capacity for happiness has opened up in unprecedented ways. Check it out, Jennster.
I admire you greatly. I’m psyched that our lives intersected for a moment. Let me know next time you’re in New York…
Susan Blackwell
http://www.susanblackwell.com
http://tinyurl.com/DanRadcliffeBetterCleanMyHouse
Some days, I feel if I can count just one thing a success, that’ll do….some days I have to count getting up and getting dressed as that success….some days I fail at even that. I live in constant dread of the day when “they” will show up and tell me that I’m not supposed to be here, I’m not allowed to have the life I have, or know the people I do, that I’m not good enough for any of it…and they’ll haul me off to wherever it was I was supposed to be.
And then, once in a while, I truly, genuinely rock. Those days help.
Is it just you?
You wrote: “To make myself feel more successful I spend real time with my daughter every day, even if it’s just huddling under a blanket and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV.”
That sounds to me like you’re doing it right. My daughter is 20, soon to be 21, but going on 16. I have cherished each moment around her, barring the ones where I was yelling, and I’ve always known, as each moment passed, that this would not come again, and that someday I would miss THIS MOMENT so badly.
I can pine for things as they’re happening.
If you’re seeing so many flaws in yourself and your ability to cope, it sounds from your description like your life optometrist has set you prescription a little high, a bit too finely focused, with too much magnification.
I am the one of the happiest people I know, with a mood setting that consistently swings back to, I don’t know, delighted by life? I try not to be obnoxious about it, and I’ve certainly had my moments when things aren’t bubbly, but I return to happy pretty often, and fairly fast.
All the things you’ve described? I’ve felt them. And I’ve TRIED to be the super PTA dad. There’s just so many things you can’t fix by yourself, and I’m a fixer, and it’s hard to not try to carry the whole show on your back and drag everyone along with you. The perfect PTA parents you describe would all tell you the same thing: “I’m not perfect. I’m faking it. I feel like an imposter.” But only after reflection, because so many of them try to stay ahead of the curve and strive to appear perfect. That’s got to be tearing them up, too.
Everything tears everyone of us up. It’s just our job to put ourselves back together as best we can, and try to maybe un-focus our eyes a bit and not see into the grim, grainy detail of our own lives quite so well. That’s the secret of faking it, maybe…
Love to you and your family, from myself and my family. We’re all fans.
We should all be fans of each other, life would go better!
It’s not just you, it’s each of us, running our own lives, trying for the best outcome. And hoping.
Cheers!
– Patrick
My Flickr account is pretty much my life in images, if you’re wondering. I’m just in very few of the photos. I’m mostly the guy behind the camera… http://www.flickr.com/photos/fionnmccueil/
I almost always feel like a total and complete failure at being human. If someone is nice to me, it’s out of pity–just by existing, I feel that I’m bothering people and making the world a worse place by using up resources that could go to better people. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was fifteen and I’m on drugs and they help me keep going, but I have to go along on autopilot because if I stop to think about my life, I can’t deal with it. I know it’s my crazy and not reality, but it’s so, so difficult to have a damaged brain. I just keep busy and try to ignore it, and stay around people because being alone allows for too much retrospection.
It’s painful to read these kinds of posts, but I think it’s helpful, too? Anyway, I appreciate your honesty.
You have said it perfectly. For me, being a thinking person means lying in bed at night, cataloging my shortcomings. It may not be healthy, but it’s all that I know. Procrastination and lack of parental volunteerism have been my calling cards for as long as I can remember.
Intellectually, I (sort of) know I am ok. Emotionally? I’m at the 2-3 days a month level too.
Thank you for putting these feelings into words and sharing them. I thought I was the only one who dwells on this. I have a great love for the word “fuck”; to me, “failure” should be designated the vulgar F-word.
***
Just consider this.
First of all, I am literally THE most important person on the face of the earth. Period. Don’t question it, I just am. Don’t argue that fact- embrace it.
But sometimes I get sad, and feel like a failure, despite having the entire universe circumnavigate me. Sure, the throngs of frothy-mouthed fans clawing at my door everyday just to get a clipping of my hair (which is scientifically proven to be better than unicorn spit when it comes to curing antidisestablishmentarianism) is nice, but sometimes I feel like there’s just something missing.
And then I check your blog, and you know what? I laugh. I laugh hard. I laugh because what you write things that make me happy, things that cheer me up, things that make my cruddy days when I’m bald because there’s a unicorn spit shortage seem like the best days ever. You make the life of the most important person in the world a little more interesting, and a little more human. So you didn’t get the dishes done or go to the PTA meeting. So what? The dishes can wait and TRUST ME- those PTA bitches are scary.
When people look back on MY life, they’re going to say things like “Gee, she really should have solved the Great Unicorn Spittle Shortage of ’13; what a selfish jerk” or, “Why didn’t she solve world hunger? She sneezed gold dust and rainbows for crying out loud.” But when people look back on YOUR life, they’re going to say, “She made a not-horrible blog- and was a mom at the same time! A historic first!” and “The Bloggess redefined our country’s definition of conventional taxidermy.” But most of all, “She made people happy, and gave them something to laugh about, and made humanity seem more endearing, without lying about how dysfunctional we really are. She made people happy.” Do we read about whether or not Einstein dusted his lamps? No. Because nobody gives a rat’s ass.
You may not be able to solve world hunger, but you are already solving world boredom and sadness. You bring people together. That’s an accomplishment anybody would be proud of. I should know.
-The Most Important Person In Existence.
***
I find myself “enjoying life” for not days at a time, but for hour or even minute long periods. I’ll do something that makes me feel wonderful, but within 5 minutes I’ll begin to wonder if I did it wrong, or said the wrong thing, or maybe covered myself with so much embarrassment and shame that no one will want to be near me. So for short amounts of time I will be my “true self” and feel like I am actually living my life in a way that lets me know that I am more than just another animal on this planet meant for breathing and reproducing (although I am fairly certain the whole reproduction thing will not happen with me, because that would involve me not flipping out when I see a person). More often than not, however, I am hiding within an imaginary shell trying to hide myself away from the rest of the world. This is the complete opposite of how I wish to live my life, but how can I avoid it? I try and try again to achieve the feeling of accomplishment, which I can do every so often, but then I always seem to crash and burn. This leaves me in an awkward position of being surrounded by people who assume I am alright, but I am not.
There really isn’t much use for me to go on and on about myself and how I often feel, because this is about you. Last time i checked there was about 2,300 (Or I could have read it completely wrong and it said 230, either way it is a lot of people) comments talking about how they can relate to how you’re feeling. We all obviously have different situations (I’m a high School student, so my problems are probably on a much smaller scale than yours), but we all feel more or less the same way at least once or twice (or 20 times) a month. You are not alone in this.
Let it be…
Oh Jenny, you silly goose.
We don’t know each other. I know you from your writing, so I think I know you better than you know me, which is to say, not at all.
3 to 4 days a month, eh? So, like, 11.475409836% of the time. That’s actually pretty good! That means that, out of ten days, at least one of them, you’ll feel great. That means that you don’t go two weeks without feeling like a star, at least once. Actually, it means that, at least once a week, you will feel like you’re on top of your game. Once a week, you will feel successful.
(If you average it out.)
It also means that 41.89 days of the year, a month and ten days, you will feel like you’ve got things under control. That’s actually pretty good, Jenny.
You spend real time with your daughter every day. That right there is amazing. It’s not “curing Lupus” amazing. It’s not “dunking a basketball … that’s ON FIRE” amazing. But few things are. Few people mow their lawns, pay their bills, read the paper, and eat breakfast all in one day. Most people don’t change the kitty litter, walk the dogs, go to work, spend time with their kids, AND don’t owe their parents money.
Seems like the bar that we measure amazing keeps getting higher and higher every year. Anything that smacks of weakness is just so GROSS, isn’t it? I mean, we’re meant to be these beings who are completely in touch with our emotions, yet in total control of them, yet express them whenever we are supposed to, but only in the correct way, and the correct way is sometimes killing bad guys. Like Romulans, Klingons, and Vulcans, all rolled into one person.
Those people don’t exist. Albert Einstein wasn’t that person. Have you seen that photograph of his desk taken the day he died? It was a MESS. His marriage fell apart. The man was a disaster. A brilliant, beautiful disaster. One of those disasters that streaks across the night sky, so amazingly, serenely gorgeous in its descent, that we can’t help but watch as it makes its lovely way before it plops right into the horizon. There it remains, indelibly marked on our landscape, right above the dashboard, just below the mirror.
Truth is, none of us can offer you sage advice or candid disclosure beyond to say that we are enjoying watching you arc. Amazingly, gracefully, like a metal rooster, stuffed with dead animals, streaking across the night sky, totally on fire.
Once a week, you are successful.
Typically, whenever you talk to us.
I don’t hae depression (well, since I gave up gluten … I was exhibiting Celiac’s neurologically) and I don’t have anxiety, but I STILL feel like a failure on most days. I don’t think it’s a sign of being mentally ill. I think it’s a sign of being human, being a successful woman, being a mom. Know what I did today? I broke down because I’m sure *I* can’t write another book. It’s useless. How the fuck can anyone do this? How is this even remotely feasible, this putting down these thoughts and these plots and making sure these characters are motivated and they change?
I have done this four times already. But it still didn’t stop me from thinking there was no way I could do it again.
And them I picked my kids up from school and almost died helping them with homework because OHMYGAWD the homework. Nightmares. Then I reheated some leftovers and poured myself a cocktail.
So, my day: freaking out, feeling hopeless, dying from homework, leftovers, vodka. And today was one of my “feeling productive” days. Probably because I also washed my hair.
The end.
I love you, dear woman. From afar 🙂 I have an auto-immune disease and ADD…similar to you. Pretty please look into the work of Dr. Terry Wahls and Dr. David Perlmutter to understand the role that gluten/nutrition plays in autoimmune diease and brain issues like depression and other really crazy shit. I promise you will be fucking amazed at what you learn.
Carry on with your awesomeness!
As some of the other posters have written, it’s not just you..we all go through some form of not being sure of ourselves during several times in our lives because I believe we all go through this at various stages as we get older & more mature. For me personally, I’m just now feeling comfortable in my skin and letting my inner bitch have an outer voice after being an introvert, insecure, & shy woman all my life, and I think that’s because I’m easing into my mid 40s. Don’t worry so much about being a PTA mom – not everyone fits into that mold. By you helping out your daughter with schoolwork is what is important. As far as unpacked boxes..shit, you’ll get to them when you get to them!! I still haven’t unpacked boxes that SERIOUSLY need to be gone through, and I’ve been in my home for 5 yrs. FUCK IT! If my friends are so concerned about my unpacked boxes, they can come on over & unpack them their damn selves!! You will get through this!! Hang in there girl!!
Jenny,
I am 57. I look in the mirror and I see my grandfather looking back at me. I feel about 14 inside. Still too small. Still with one hand. Still not enough. Still unpublished. Still struggling every day to do work that is not earth-shatteringly important or fun to pay the bills. Seldom happy. Frequently walking the black dog.
Bruce asks, “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true, or is it something worse?”
Well, I decided awhile ago to give it all to God. His success or his failure. Every day. I will do my best. I will fuck it up. I will try harder. I will give up. I will die a little. And do it again. Thems the rules.
Life sucks and then you die? Nope. But it’s hard. Were I in charge, there would be more parades and puppies and happy sex and TexMex and wine.
But I am not in charge. Nor are you.
The best thing I ever did was my son. And now he must get bigger, I must get smaller. That will have to be enough And so it goes.
Blessings on you and your madness.
Praying for you in New Zealand.
Plus also? Today my job included an aging and spirituality seminar, a beauty queen being kissed by an elephant in Thailand, and prime time tv.
So there’s that…
Jenny,
I am 57. I look in the mirror and I see my grandfather looking back at me. I feel about 14 inside. Still too small. Still with one hand. Still not enough. Still unpublished. Still struggling every day to do work that is not earth-shatteringly important or fun to pay the bills. Seldom happy. Frequently walking the black dog.
Bruce asks, “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true, or is it something worse?”
Well, I decided awhile ago to give it all to God. His success or his failure. Every day. I will do my best. I will fuck it up. I will try harder. I will give up. I will die a little. And do it again. Thems the rules.
Life sucks and then you die? Nope. But it’s hard. Were I in charge, there would be more parades and puppies and happy sex and TexMex and wine.
But I am not in charge. Nor are you.
The best thing I ever did was my son. And now he must get bigger, I must get smaller. That will have to be enough And so it goes.
Blessings on you and your madness.
Praying for you from New Zealand.
Plus also? Today my job included an aging and spirituality seminar, a beauty queen being kissed by an elephant in Thailand, and prime time tv.
So there’s that…
I get paid to write for a chocolate company {delysia.com} and I just wrote a post about creating the perfect picnic. I kind of hate picnics, too, but I think I pretended to plan a pretty damn good one. My point is that sometimes being an imposter is all I’m good at. I don’t feel successful more than one or two days every few weeks. I also want to lie in bed or binge-watch TV instead of working.
Sometimes I don’t want to write about picnics. But knowing that i’m not alone is what keeps me going.
It’s nice to see that none of us are alone in this! I feel that hour to hour, minute to minute on some days. Those months, I have to think of it in minutes instead of days or month to feel OK about it. Other, rarer months, about half of the days feel kick ass. I’ve been working on that cliche of treating yourself like your best friend, and somehow trying to see what I feel as failure from a more objective (and almost always more positive) perspective. Then I try to escape the whirlpool of “why do I waste so much of my life feeling crappy about myself?” And then, hopefully I just say “Fuck it” and go do something to make my soul feel better like knitting, or watching my dog have far too much fun with his squeak toy, or doing some damn cartwheels until I can’t help but smile at how ridiculous I feel.
My biggest feeling of accomplishment today? Grilling myself some three ingredient homemade jalapeno poppers. It was like eating a ray of bacon wrapped sunshine (with less burning)…
I’m lucky enough not to suffer from depression or anxiety but I live with someone who has a mental illness and I can see how that affects their perception of themselves and that’s hard to watch from the outside too. I’ve been wanting to thank you for a long time – I read your book at a time in my life where I didn’t have much to smile about and you made me laugh until I cried. You may not feel it but you’ve made a lot of difference to a lot of people – even here in Australia!
I’m the opposite to you in terms of days a month. I experience a few days a month where I don’t feel like I’ve achieved enough success and can feel quite low about that – the rest of the time I mostly feel okay – I don’t feel like I’m super successful and I make my share of mistakes but I’m generally okay with that. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel as though you’re not excelling at life, the real skill is keeping at it. For me it’s like the dentist. You know it’s going to be unpleasant during the visit, but that the visit will end – it’s just time and you’ll come out on the other side and it will be okay. Maybe not straight away, but at some point. I focus on that time and soon enough it’s real.
I don’t think you should measure yourself against other people if you can – not that I’ve figured out how to do that either. But chances are that those people have things going on that aren’t visible on the surface. No-one is ever perfect. Being a good mother isn’t about the PTA.
And like Summer said above – start small. Pick one thing you want to get done and do that first. Then add something else.
I think what you are feeling could be considered the “new normal” feeling. You are not alone in feeling this way at all. I work with the public and consider a good day is a day that has not had a customer complaint filed against me. At home, a good day is when I have actually cleaned the litter box and maybe emptied the kitchen sink of all the dirty dishes that have accumulated. I would in no way consider you a failure.
Apparently you have enough comments to fill the Harry Potter series, but only with the sadness of [spoiler] and [spoiler] dying.
I’m not going to say you’re awesome, because a) I don’t know you. b) I’m guessing you won’t take it as true (imposter thingy). and 3) I only see your outsides.
Comparing your insides to other peoples’ outsides will make you feel like a loser every time. You see people at PTA/school who are amazing, perfect parents…and you don’t see their nasty bathrooms, kids babysat by the tv, late car payments.
I am a graduate student and I once posted on Facebook: “anyone else feel like the stupidest person in academia?” I received, almost instantly, two dozen responses of “only every single day” and so on. This included some of the most brilliant people I know who have achieved more than I ever have. I COMPARED MY INSIDES TO THEIR OUTSIDES AND LOST.
That said, who gives a shit about being a PTA parent? Priorities, man. Don’t choose stuff you know you’ll hate to make yourself feel bad. Of course you aren’t a PTA parent, you, like so many other people, hate being around hoards of other people.
I never post, but I have to say, I feel best the two days a month I see my therapist. She thinks I’m cool and smart and a great mom. I’m honestly marking the days until my kids are old enough to have their own lives and I can quietly fade away. I have about 20 to 25 years to go.
Like you I suffer from diagnosed major depression and anxiety. There’s also social anxiety and probably a list of Undiagnosed mental conditions because I’m not willing to be totally honest with a doctor. I’d rather not have another trip to the mental ward, not a fun place when you’re just slightly more sane than everyone else there.
Truth is … I feel like a personal and maternal failure 99% of the time. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t consider swallowing a bottle of pills just so I’m not a burden to the people that think they love me.
You are not alone in feeling this way. I don’t know what advice to give as I am hoping to find advice or answers myself. I feel like my only hope is that my small but steady lottery habit will someday pay off and I can be find and maintain a modest condo or home that is safe, and that I’d have enough to provide for myself and my dogs and maybe a garden and a little creative art space. I’m forced to stay in a poor relationship because of my various mental disabilities. I hope I’m not depressing you further. But no one should feel alone, so I wanted to post this comment.
I have to tell you, Jenny… I’m stuck. I am quagmired in failure, and I’m not sure how to claw my way out. It seems like everything I try lately falls through, and the steps I’ve taken to regain my health are leading to worse and worse things, not better. And it hurts. It hurts so bad that yesterday a voice I haven’t listened to in a long time woke up and tried to convince me the world would be better off if I wasn’t in it anymore. And what hurt worse and scared the shit out of me was that I didn’t have an immediate rebuttal. I made it through work today (in a job that I hate absolutely) trying to remind myself that Depression lies, and that I’m not alone. Thank you for that, and if you could maybe turn that whisper of yours in my brain up a little louder so it can drown out the other voice for a while, that would be great. Thank you for the words to get me through today.
I told my therapist once that my scale of success starts at “not even a person” and goes up to “being a person.” Getting up out of bed and doing “those things people do” puts me closer to “person.” Otherwise, I feel pretty much like a slug.
I have had a lot of slug days. But I’m working on having more person days.
You’re not alone at all.
I feel accomplished maybe 3 days a month. Maybe. I went from working and having an active social life to living in a state where its too hot to take my daughter outside during daylight hours and am living with my mother in law. I have so many days where I have no reason not to be happy but I just want to spend it in bed with my little girl watching netflix and passing the day. I recently got sick, which meant I had to have bed days and I feel like such a failure. I feel like I’m a horrible mom and don’t give her enough stimulation. I feel accomplished if I take a shower during the day or put on something that isn’t pajama pants….
I constantly question myself, my abilities, and my parenting. I feel like I could do better. So I’m going to try to get out and walk early in the morning for fresh air. I’ll do my hair, makeup, or put on jeans so that I can say “hey at least I did that”. It will get better, thats my mantra
You probably won’t make it this far down in the comments, but I have to say something – Thank you. I am sitting here sobbing because I thought it was just me! I love my children and adore my husband but I have to admit, I am a sham. Sometimes I even feel like I’ve tricked my husband into loving me. Stupid that I could feel that way after 17 years, but there it is. He’s so amazing, why would he love me? My fallback isn’t usually TV, but reading. I have spent entire days reading in bed and feel such self loathing when my kids come home. Please keep writing. I am an extreme introvert and have such a hard time being around other people that it makes me feel less alone to read your blog. I am in awe of your courage.
If people tell you that they live a pastel happy life, they’re a bunch of liars. We all have chinks in our armor. Those that don’t suffer from mental disorders don’t always understand what it feels like to live the life you describe.
Find things you love and enjoy, they will be the things that make you feel successful. When I am in the pit of depression I can’t think of things I enjoy or love…so I make a list to refer to when you can’t think of anything you’re good at. Have Victor add to the list. Use it when you feel like you’re a failure.
I think you need to rethink your definition of the word “person.” “Fucking shit up” is pretty much what it means to be human. It should probably be the actual, for-real definition of “person” in the dictionary. In my opinion, all those perfect people we see and to whom we compare ourselves, are probably fucking up all kinds of shit in the other areas of their lives we don’t see.
I feel very unsuccessful most days out of the month. When I accomplish something I know I need to get done, I feel like I’ve just done what I had to, but it isn’t nearly as good as it should be.
4 days a month. Sometimes I get 5…but sometimes only 3, so yeah…
48 productive days a year… At least that sounds like a slightly bigger number.
Jenny, I have boxes that came out of the shed and into my attic from moving here more than 25 years ago. I can’t remember the last day that passed without me thinking either “I hate this” or “I hate myself,” or both.
You feel like you’re always a half-day behind? I’m doing the taxes this week after filing an extension in April.
I have chronic insomnia. Low self-esteem. Depression.
Napkins? Puh-lease. We use paper towels. Eat at the table? Can’t usually see it for all the stuff that lands on it of piles of “need to do” stuff.
I’m overwhelmed by all the unfinished projects that make up our 100+ year-old house. I cannot see the positive in all that we have done here, in the face of all that is still left to do. Fixer-upper my ass. More like “juststayafloatandaheadofthehousethatDEMANDSallourmoneyandenergyandsucksmysoulrightoutofmyears.” Whenever I do get enough of an energy spurt or feel inspired enough to actually accomplish anything on that front it’s at the detriment of EVERYTHING else. Multi-task? I’m lucky if I can manage to single-task most days.
If you ever figure it all out, do please let us know how. Okay?
I am pretty much an expert at nothing. My blog has .00001% the readership yours does so my nothing is actually…well…nothing. I guess I just tell myself the one thing I am good at, the one thing no one can take from me, is that I am a good mom. My mom failed at that. So if I fail at life, at the blog, at dressing and washing my hair, at being thin and pretty, at having tons of friends…I fail. But the one thing I hope out of hope my kids get are a mom they feel excelled at life, looked beautiful all the time, was there for them….I guess in the end I win.
HUGS
You are not alone.
I wanted to add that today I called my husband, in tears, that I could not help my 3rd grader with her math homework. In that conversation that lasted MINUTES (hun, I will do it with her when I get home, bless him) my 2 year old son emptied an entire bag of cornmeal in the kitchen and attempted to “Clean it” which loosely translates to dragging it through every room.
So maybe I fail at parenting too.
Nope, not just you (obviously, by the number of comments here). Today I’m glad I ate applesauce and made a cup of coffee. That has to be good enough for now. Deep down, this is one of the subconscious reasons I don’t, and won’t, have kids. And I’m not sure about you, but for me: the more others think you have your shit together and think your life is fucking amazing, the more awful you feel at everything.
wow..I understand. I feel totally like a loser, and then what I do..is pack all my stuff and move. To another country..or across the US..or some such madness. So that every day is super hard and I have to really work my ass off to even eat. And then I feel like I am accomplished. It basically sucks. And I am exhausted. And sick of living out of two suitcases. I don’t have any solid friends in any one place because I keep doing this. Its really not the best most healthy choice. I just moved to Seattle a month ago. I am hoping I stick here.
The feeling of success is fleeting. If I was to add up all the minutes I felt like I kicked ass, it would probably be about 5 days’ worth. Maybe a little more. What makes me feel worse (and horrible) is being useless or destructive. It’s a vicious cycle.
What helps? Talking to someone who I can trust to tell me when I fuck up AND when I kick ass. Also, therapy and books. Which are their own sort of therapy, really.
PTA Parent Imposters:
So, those people you think have the nice clean houses and are all perfectly put together….yeah, this is gonna sound whack but I’ve seen their houses, they really do have shit every where, you just don’t know it. I work in real estate for a living. I see their closets, and attics, and garages. The majority of those people you would never guess are incredibly NOT with it. They look all put together when they are not home, but then you see how they actually live, and yeah, it’s not pretty. SO don’t ever judge yourself based upon the façade you see on others. Because it is totally that, just a façade.
As for not feeling like you’ve accomplished much as a human, try thinking instead…that you’re a fuckin’ rock star. Because only Rock Stars get to hang out in their PJs while they work, and watch reruns in bed with their kiddos! I think that’s awesome!
Who needs expectations anyway? I have a chronic incurable auto-immune disease that keeps me from doing things that I once could before my diagnosis. It’s frustrating as all hell, but I’ve lowered my expectations of myself. So what if my laundry has been in the dryer for a week. I am awesome at re-drying that load and letting it sit wrinkled for another whole day before re-drying it again. I rock at pushing that damn button on the dryer again and again. I haven’t mowed my lawn in like 6 weeks. My kids think its fun to go on safari through the “jungle”. Yay for creativity! Just keep it real with yourself. Don’t judge yourself based upon society’s rules. They’re totally bogus. Just know that we all have our cross to bear, and some of us just like to sit on that bitch instead of actually carry it. AND THAT’S OK! It’s your life, you live it the way that is best for you. Revel in the fact that you can spend that QT time with your daughter under the covers or can hang out at home in your PJs all day. I wish I could do that. It would be way more socially acceptable then those days when I wear my PJs to work. Cheers to you!
I think most people are just better at pretending than we are. Nobody can be that perfect…And I simply don’t have the energy to pretend that hard.
I wish I got 3-4 days a month of feeling worthy and successful. If I get 3-4 minutes a day, I feel accomplished. I have a wonderful family, the MOST amazing daughter and a job. I often see the beauty my daughter brings to the world and all her potential, but I feel like an impostor being her mother. I adopted my daughter, so every time someone says, “You should be SO proud!”, I think, “No; her BIRTH mother should be so proud. SHE should see what she created.” Hell, my last blog posting pretty much laid it all out there. Feel free to take a look. It was posted weeks ago.
You’re not alone. And, thank you, for letting others of us know we’re not, as well.
You are not alone. In fact you are my shiny person that I try and measure up to and fail miserably.
That is the thing about illness. It lies to you about what is real.
Hugs and love.
Sugar, you have no idea how screwed up most of us are. I’ve spent a lifetime punishing myself for choices I’d forgive anyone else for making. I’ve got boxes which haven’t been unpacked in 20 years, but have been moved in and out of countless homes. Emergency personnel have mistakenly assumed our house was robbed because of the (usual) state of disarray. I waste hours, days, weeks, years online while waiting for the magic elves to show up and arrange my life. I don’t know how to be a grown-up. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know where to start. Anyone looking at my job would assume I’ve got it all under control. I couldn’t bear it if they knew the truth.
I am married to a wonderful man that for all his genius and all that he has earned through hard work, has days and weeks where he feels as if he has accomplished nothing. It is near to impossible to convince him during these periods of his depression that he is not a fraud, that he has in fact earned all the accolades he has received, it’s not just you. But when ever you have days or weeks where you feel this way I would like you to consider the fact that your wonderful blog has helped me to understand my husband and his depression in a way I hadn’t been able to before. So you have in fact accomplished something every day without even trying, thank you.
Definitely not alone. I think it depends month by month on how human I feel. A lot of times I feel like I’m outside of my own body, observing the actions of a stranger who is really me. Some days I feel awesome. Then there are days like just this last Tuesday where I sent off a flurry of texts to mu husband which resulted in him calling me and talking me out of putting in my two weeks notice at work because I felt like everything was my fault. What makes it better? For me it’s sleep, ice cream, petting my cats and gerbils, listening to music and dancing around like a dork, and being around people who know what my flaws are and don’t judge me about them. Oh, and did I mention ice cream?
You’re not the only one. Most days I just find it to be a success if I drove to work and back without accidentally stopping at a green light. I work two dead-end jobs that have nothing to do with what I majored in in college. They’re soul sucking and boring but I keep telling myself that I’m not qualified for anything else, that I can’t be in a more responsible job because I’m not a responsible adult. That I just need to suck it up and put in the hours to survive and things will get better once I’m published. But I’m crippled with fear and dissatisfaction and can’t finish anything I work on. I can’t even gather the courage to send anything out again because I keep telling myself “What’s the point? They’ll just reject you anyway. Again.” I’m almost 25 and I keep trying to tell myself it’s okay to not have my shit figured out yet and it’s okay to just take things one day at a time but I keep feeling like I’m edging toward a total quarter-life crisis meltdown. I feel like I legitimately accomplish something worthwhile maybe 2 days a month. If that. I don’t know how to feel more accomplished or successful or happier……but there’s something that you’ve taught me: Sometimes the negative voices in your head suck. A lot. But you gotta keep plugging on because those voices are wrong. They lie. Don’t listen to them because you are truly gorgeous, inside and out.
I’m trying to keep that in mind. You should too because you are amazing. And I admire your bravery and humor and everything you have accomplished so far.
I hope this post doesn’t get lost in the thousands of responses you are receiving. I don’t know how many days per month I feel successful. I have found that I cycle up and down over a period of several weeks or maybe months, where I am “up” and seem able to get things done fairly well, and then I am “down” again and seem to only be able to keep everyone from starving, and that’s about it. There are two things that have helped me A LOT with how I feel about this pattern, and feeling better about the pattern seems to have helped stabilize me SLIGHTLY.
First, an old friend posted to facebook the following quote, “The reason we so often feel inferior is because we are constantly comparing our ‘behind the scenes’ to everyone else’s ‘highlights reel.'” When I read that I nearly popped! It has practically become my mantra. You really, really don’t know what other people are doing behind the scenes. You really don’t, and it’s so unfair and unkind to yourself to compare your struggles to other people’s successes.
The other thing that I want to mention is something you taught me, although I really don’t think that was your intention at all when you said it, but you talked about waiting for a bad spot to pass. That idea was very significant for me. When I am “down” and not being productive, I would berate myself mercilessly. (Productivity is how I measure my self-worth. Sorry. I can’t help it.) I used to try to whip myself into line. Once I kind of realized that I could just wait for it to pass, I was able to relax a little, cut myself some slack, and go sit on the couch and watch tv or read a book. And voila, the low spot passed more quickly than it used to. I was prolonging my own suffering by being so harsh on myself.
You talk about your sweet daughter, and how you make a conscientious effort to spend quality time with her every day. As the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I would like to tell you that you are doing more than you realize. I don’t really have the words, to be honest…
The only other suggestion I have at the moment is a test I sometimes use to see if a thought is reasonable or not. If you just said something to yourself that is unkind/mean/brutal/fill-in-the-blank-bad, try imagining saying it to someone you love. If it is out of the question that you would ever act that way to another person, then take it back. Don’t say it to yourself, either. Apologize. Then replace the statement/thought with something more reasonable. “I’m such a loser. I’m worthless. I didn’t get the kitchen clean, I didn’t move my laundry and it probably stinks now, I didn’t go to the grocery store and all I have to feed the kid(s) is peanut butter and jelly on stale hotdog buns. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damned lazy? Why can’t I be more organized? Why can’t I pull myself together? Why is my house always a fucking disaster area? Other moms don’t have moldy laundry and moldy bread and a hungry kid who actually has to ask for food before I remember I never made lunch! I’m such a fucking idiot!” Instead say, “I didn’t feel very good today, but I had a really nice time playing with Hayley for three hours today, and I bet she’ll remember that for the rest of her life. Oh, and I DID feed the cats. Well done, me. I’ll try to do just a little better tomorrow. I’m alright.”
I am the most self-analyzed person I have ever met. I’m very introverted and I study myself all the time. I try so hard to learn to be better and get more done and forgive myself and just improve, improve, improve. You’d think by now I’d be FANTASTIC, but I’m really just sort of ok. If you want to ask me any questions, I will do everything in my power to give you the most clearly thought out, brutally honest answers anyone has every composed. I promise. I follow you on twitter, so you could message me if you want. If you don’t, I totally understand. You have a bajillion people who want to talk to you. You can’t connect to each and every person who wants a piece of your time. I’m just driven to try to help. That’s all.
Totally, completely, 100% normal.
I recently came to the realization that I could spend the entirety of my work life answering emails and my personal life running errands and STILL not get those tasks done. It was a little disheartening.
If you want a pick me up, check out these guys. I guarantee you cannot watch this video without laughing. Plus it raises an important question that I think you may need to address in a future blog…
http://gawker.com/two-guys-youve-never-heard-of-just-released-the-song-o-1256644214
I just exist a lot of the time. I pay my bills when I get the “this is about to get turned off” email. The only reason I clean my apartment regularly is because I made a deal with my parents to send picture updates twice a week in an effort to create a habit of it. I’m in my 30s and I’ve only learned to cook anything in the last three years. I got laid off last November. It took me six months to find a job. A big chunk of that time was wasted by me staring at the computer or sleeping. I fucked up my unemployment by just not sending in the incredibly simple forms. I regularly put off laindry and dishes as long as possible.
You definitely aren’t normal(for which we love you) but this feeling is. My therapist(I suffer from depression, anxiety, too, along with unofficially undiagnosed ADD because my therapist thinks so but he’s not that kind of specialist) uses ACT therapy and recommended the book “the Happiness Trap” for both me (depression and anxiety) and my mom(who recommended him to me after visiting him for grief therapy. She suffers from depression and anxiety, too.). I haven’t finished the book, but it operates from the principle that the happy shiny people are the atypical ones, not us. Who says we are supposed to be happy all of the time? We are not our thoughts. We can acknowledge our thoughts, evaluate them, and decide to which ones it is actually helpful to listen. I’ve found it very helpful in climbing out of the rabbit hole this time around.
Depression lies, but so do normal brains. How often are eyewitness reports completely reliable? Ask 10 people who saw something to describe what happened and odds are you’ll get several different answers. They may have things in common, but they are still different, which is why empirical evidence is always preferable to anecdotes,
Sometimes I don’t even feel like a person. I’m just here. Extant. Just going through the motions. That’s when I reread my favorite books (like visiting old friends, but without the unpredictability factor) and I come to your site. It never fails to make me laugh out loud, sometimes until I cry. And then I’m experiencing something, even if just for a few minutes.
Thank you for all that you do and share, and the community you’ve created.
And thank you for Wil Wheaton collating papers, Jeri Ryan holding a spatula and Beyonce the giant metal chicken
How many days in a month? About the same as you, girlfriend. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for being the antithesis of the gal-entrepreneur I feel I’m supposed to be, should’ve worked out how to be by now. Just can’t do it. I only know how to write and I try to avoid doing this for fear of failure. Love you, love what you do. You’re the real deal. xxxx
So many stories I’m not sure if you’ll have time to read them, but I’ll add mine anyway. I’m a comedian. Every time I hit a goal instead of celebrating I think “this doesn’t feel successful” and make another one further away. Every joke I write I feel is the last one I have in me. This week I’ve filmed for two TV shows and performed live to hundreds of people, but instead of celebrating THAT, I kick myself that the TV shows aren’t better networks, that they aren’t my own TV shows, that I haven’t worked hard enough this week, that I’m getting older, that I should be able to do this without drinking THAT much coffee. Imposter syndrome comes in spades – with every call that I have a new TV spot my anxiety rises that I’m not as good as they think. A month ago I got a call that I have the lead in a new TV show – I thanked the producer, hung up the phone and cried for over an hour because soon they would realise I was not that good and they’d call and fire me.
I think these feelings of inadequacy come with artistic types. How many days a month do I feel successful? I’ll let you know if it happens. This doesn’t mean I mean like a failure every day, just that the bar for success keeps moving.
Just remember you live in the real world. Not the world of Pintrest, Martha Stewart, or any of those perfect people worlds. I’m 57 years old and an empty nester. Jeans and t-shirts are my style or whatever is clean. I was a PTA mom because someone had to do it. When the girls were little and I’d be cleaning house, they’d want to know who was coming over. My mother who is 85, had the TV families of Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best and Donna Reed that showed what the perfect family should be with pearls and high heels cooking the perfect meals. All of it’s pretend. Mom gave me the best advise when I was growing up. “You can only be yourself.” Do the best that you can every day. Some days that might mean getting out of bed and combing your hair. Celebrate!
Oh my freaking god. Do you see how many responses there are to this post? Over two freaking thousand. And I am sure most of them are telling you how very normal you actually are. I haven’t read them yet brecause often if I read them and I feel like, well ya, thats basically what I would have said vthen I don’t respond at all. But I want to.
I am an optimistic, glass half full type of person. I have never been diagnosed with depression. But what I think in the very depths of my mind come out in your blogs sometimes. It’s like you are typing my very thoughts from thousands of miles away, just our husbands have different names!
I find that when I am not working my level of expectation is lower and subsequently it’s all I can do that day to make some semblance of supper.
Then there are other days where I do so much at work I come home and barely have the energy to make supper.
But it’s usually a choice I make. If all I do is go to two different coffee dates with friends and maybe one load of laundry, that’s fucking fine by me.
There is always tomorrow, there is always another day.
And when shit starts really getting bad I can guilt myself (not depress myself) into thinking that I don’t want my Mother or Sister to have to clean out my dirty pantry if I due suddenly. That usually begets a few days of furious cleaning, but then I’m good for almost 3-6 months man!
So Jenny, I basically think that you are pretty normal. You wrote one of the funniest books I have ever read, if you never write another, you have still accomplished something more than very person I know.
AND we all have that FB friend who posts EVERY DAMN THING THEY ACCOMPLISH and if I did that too it would read like a lot but I don’t need everyone to know every aspect of my life, nore do I find it that interesting. Sometimes I wonder if she is just trying to piss me off and make me feel useless I often feel like telling her to just sit down and read a damn book!
My life is mine, yours is yours, fuck anyone who wants to judge us because no one is perfect.
-Becky
I’m so posting this on Facebook (I hope you don’t mind)…..this is SO me. If it helps, which, I get if it doesn’t, I found your blog three years ago, mere months after I left the most miserable marriage e-v-e-r. You inspired to start my own blog. True story. I’m not about “warm fuzzies,” just telling you how it is (btw, I haven’t touched it in a year) I’m lame, I know. Good to know there are other good women out there that feel as fucked up as I do. I down right sucks. I get emails all the time asking me to keep writing….I just feel so….useless. And ashamed I’ve let it go this long. But you. You still inspire me.
My mentor once told me that “There’s no such thing as a grown up and no one is ever as happy as they seem.” The shiny “have their shit together” people, don’t really have it together any more than you or I. Yes they may be better at being all shiny but I bet they aren’t a best seller author. It’s a give and take thing.
PS I’m just as guilty as doing this as you are. Although I had a reality check a couple months ago when a cousin asked me how to be an adult. I eventually stopped laughing.
I haven’t read the other comments, but I feel compelled to tell you that you have physical evidence of your success (a published book, oodles of followers, etc.). You already know this, but depression is lying to you and won’t let you believe it all the time.
I think most people feel this way to varying degrees, but they don’t like to admit it for fear of being found out. Some people deal with it by being assholes to other people–by acting like know-it-all jerks, but really they’re just terrified of their ignorance being noticed. Other people, like you and me, turn all that fear and anxiety inward. I realized a few years ago that while everyone pretends they know what they’re doing, really, NO ONE does. NO ONE completely has their shit together. It’s all a big act that we put on because it’s less scary than admitting the alternative.
As for me, I can’t measure my feelings of success and self-worth in terms of days. It’s really hour-to-hour depending on the day. I’m always afraid that maybe I’m really not that good at anything, and I am afraid of being found out
I love this. I ALWAYS feel slightly like a fraud, like any minute people I work with are going to figure out that I’m not nearly smart enough to pay me what they do. I got a few kudos recently because I started reading “The Crucible” with my daughter – completely forgetting that there are scenes where teenage girls are talking about having sex with adult men. Not quite suitable for my not quite middle school kid. #totalmomfail, right? #headdesk I gave up on PTO a few years go, too much to keep up with. I pick and choose which classes and activities I get involved in based entirely on whether I like the other parents. Because, srsly? No reason to be involved with people who are going to drive me bat-shit crazy. I get enough of that at work.
You rock, and you should rock that we all love you. We all need to be a little less hard on ourselves and a little less #momcompetitive. Being a good mom or a good person isn’t a competition, it’s a team project. No one wins unless we all win, sweetie. And we all want you to win. 🙂
I’d like to say something awesome and profound but honestly it’s not going to happen. When you’re a kid people lie to you. There are all kinds of things that you’ll get to do when you’re grown up or that you’ll understand when you’re a grown up. Much like the cake, it’s a lie.
When I was a kid I thought there was a magical age where all that adult knowledge would just be there. Instead I flounder around pretending to be an adult while really I just want to curl up under my blankets and have it all go away. If I get a couple days a month where I feel I accomplished something that’s a really good month. You’re not alone.
You have described the way I feel 80% of the time. I suffer from anxiety. I am a stay-at-home mom of three, I occasionally volunteer at my children’s school, make lunches and homemade soup but no matter how much I knock myself out trying to be the perfect mother I never had IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. Every day when I have to pick my children up from their school I suffer a panic attack because I know everyone will know what a horrible mother I am. It has become incredibly awkward because I am so uncomfortable (not making eye with many people, not nodding and saying hello, doing all the normal social pleasantries) I have become the subject of gossip and can hear all the judgemental, harsh things people say about me, which, in turn makes me more anxious. Some days I feel incredibly messed up for this and deeply ashamed and afraid that my children might find out how messed up their mother is – other days my therapist’s words ring in my head that my situation is analogous to a soldier with PTSD who has to keep going into battle every day so I am actually brave. Who knew?
What might help you? Imagine if Hailey were to tell you what you have told us – would you judge her or treat her with kindness and understanding? Try to be as kind to yourself as you are to your child (I know, some days this is harder and every day I struggle with it).
You have a serious way with words, Jenny. I just nodded through your whole post and teared up. The shame and guilt and uselessness I feel on a daily basis. The nighttime rundown of how I failed that day and all the things I plan to do the next day but know I won’t really. I live life treading water. I hate it, I want to get ahead or at least caught up.
You are so completely not alone.
J,
I hope you are able to read this. I grew up outside of San Angelo, and we often went to Wall. On purpose. I feel I really know you after your book. I’m also the teacher that asked you if I could use some of your blog posts with my students to show voice/dialog. Well, I also suffer from depression AND anxiety. As a matter of fact, I was in tears today at school after an 11 hour day and still behind….and realized I had not taken my meds. I do often suffer from the same feelings you have, but it used to be worse.
I have managed to change those 3-4 days of feeling great to 20+ days. I changed a LOT of my internal dialog. I changed the crappy record that played over and over in my head. I literally caught myself in the middle of these thoughts and did something cooky, crazy, or simply said STOP THAT. I did not allow that “record” to keep playing.
Then, I started changing the internal questions I always asked myself: “Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I do better? Why can’t I seem to get my sh*t together?” I didn’t allow those questions – I interrupted myself when those questions came up. When I began my bad habit of going down a list of everything that was rotten, I stopped and started a list of things that were good. I also started asking myself better questions – replacing the bad ones: “What was I able to accomplish today? What were the fun/good/happy parts of the day? How did I make a difference? What can I take from today that can help me tomorrow?”
The brain runs an internal record all the time. The grooves on that record get deeper and deeper, like ruts. Pretty soon, you can’t even see the sun because you are practically in a tunnel of darkness. When your brain train starts to take the track to hell, switch the track. Even if you can’t make it to the happy track, at least you aren’t on the self-depreciating track. Getting on the “be present – right here, right now” track is enough.
And sometimes, when I stay in bed all weekend (even with a ton of things piling up that I am avoiding) I tell myself that maybe staying in bed is the caring thing for me to do right now. If it’s not all the time, then I tell myself that I’m taking care of myself – and that it’s a really positive thing. If I wallow, I tell myself that this is how I move through to the other side. I allow myself some wallow time, and I do it GREAT. If I am mad enough to throw a temper tantrum, I go to a private place and let my 43-year-old self yell, scream, stop, kick as loud and as extreme as I can make it. Actually, then I get engrossed with HOW GREAT I am at wallowing or nesting in my bed or temper tantrums. Usually that makes me giggle and suddenly, I’ve sillied myself out of it.
I learned so much of this from Tony Robbins and from my life-coaching training. I say it is in order for me to help others, but it’s been better than any therapy I’ve been through for myself.
Right now, I’m also trying to write a book on the devastating effect of comparing ourselves to some standard or to others we see. It’s crippling, as you have described. But, there are so many things we aren’t aware of – like the abuse or the financial strain or the hidden health issues that people keep private. No one can compare themselves to the perfect role model out there because that person doesn’t exist in reality. They only exist in our imagination. Anyway, I have the book outlined and started….I just need to keep plugging along because I feel like it is an important message for people right now.
I’ve only posted on here once, if at all – I don’t remember. This post – I had to chime in.
This is soooooo me. I have achieved some high accolades in my career, and then I think, wow, I’m good at faking it – I fooled them. I constantly compare myself to my sisters – they are “so together” and I’m the slacker. Maybe they are faking it too – nope. I’m sure they’re not. Just me. Even in my own home, I worry so much that my children are learning to be like me, because I know that’s not good. Even with my husband, I constantly guess that he is thinking I’m a slacker and not doing what I should. Even now that I’ve written this, I figure that everyone who reads this will understand that I must be a huge slacker. Maybe I am. But no, it’s not just you.
The Internet ate my previous comment.
The gist of it was, I think everyone feels this way. Most people are just too afraid to admit it. So we all put on a happy pastel picnic parade because it’s less scary than admitting none of us have our shit together.
I feel successful for a few hours on a good day and not at all on a not-so-good day. Like today, I had maybe 20 minutes of feeling good before someone happened that sent me into a mental tailspin. The rest of the day, I felt pretty useless. But my life looks pretty good on paper if you just look at the better parts of my job, family, friends, salary, etc. (But you know, as great as all those things may appear to outsiders, they all have their challenges. It’s not all good or all bad.)
Ido see a doctor regularly and am on medication that is slowly helping me feel better. One thing that helps me is this thought: everyone has something. Even the most pastel person has a challenge of some kind that’s seems overwhelming to them (even if it seems petty or small to outsiders). Since everyone is different, life has to teach us lessons in different ways. Never judge or compare. (Better said than done, I know! But I’m working on it.)
It’s an interesting phenomenon when the shadow you cast feels so.much.bigger. than you.
I read this today, a day when I had my first session with a therapist in more than 12 years, to finally deal with the fact that I’m sitting on a pile of grief and trauma that I’ve never faced before, because I am the very model of a blessed life. I felt like my feelings about my experiences were not legitimate because I never went hungry or had a crime committed against me.
No wonder doing the dishes feels like climbing Mt. Everest. There’s no room in my pile.
That’s a doozy! I do not suffer from depression nor any major anxiety. I don’t really grade myself at all and if I did, I’m not sure i’d pass. However, here is what I try NOT to do. I try not to hold myself to a standard that I don’t and wouldn’t hold my kids to. I don’t expect them to be perfect. I don’t expect them to be the best at everything. I expect them to be who they are and not try to conform to what other people think they should be. I think they should try new things but take time to relax and find out what they enjoy vegging out to. I would hate the thought of either of them losing sleep because they weren’t “successful” by other people’s standards.
So here’s my honesty for you. The fact that you are worries about it is a point in your favourite. Most people don’t give a crap and couldn’t care less about being a better person. On the flip side, chillax. We’re not in a race or challenge. Part of the fun in life is getting the chance to figure this stuff out. You are not alone.
Apologies for the ramble and any typos. Fat thumbs and bouncing thoughts are not the most ideal companions.
Together,what a monumental flash mob we could make!!!
I had a major realization a couple years ago: we have value because of who we are, not because of our potential for future accomplishments. We (all of us humans) are made in the image of God, capable of feeling, reasoning, loving, and making choices. Our value doesn’t come from what we have done or will do.
I also struggle with depression and anxiety at times. To answer your original question, I feel like I’m succeeding only a few days a month. I feel like a poser who doesn’t deserve my paycheck. However, I try not to think about it much when my meds are working. When they’re not, I think about it far too much.
It’s probably especially hard for you because of the unstructured schedule that comes from being self employed. The days I feel most successful tend to be the days when I have to follow a strict schedule of meetings. The days I plan to work from home in my pajamas tend to be a total disaster.
I was on my way to 3 or 4 days in August…but then life kicked me in the ass…actually it was my immune system. I have autoimmune disorders, I actually got sick enough that it impacted my work and I lost my job. My husband had been a stay-at-home dad had to go back to work. We had to move because we couldn’t find work. We were broke, no prospects and had two kids to feed…and the only one I could blame was me.
Then my husband found a job and kids went to school and I thought I’ll be the at home mom and do freelance while I look for a job. I did dishes and cleaned the first few days and sent myself into a major flare. The fucking dishes tried to kill me Jenny! All I had to do was get the kids on the bus and do the dishes and I couldn’t do it without making myself sick. There went my 3 days for August.
Because of my health I have missed band concerts and teacher meetings. The PTA thought my husband was a single dad. One of my daughter’s classmates asked if she had a mom. I get feeling like a failure while your kids succeeds.
I realize 2000+ posts later you probably won’t see this. But late last spring I met this kind of kooky lady who happens to have a connective tissue autoimmune disorder like me as well as a bunch of other things. While I was excited just to say hi when I rolled up in a wheel chair (another flare) and I told her we had some meds in common. She looked me in the eye and “Don’t give up. Never give up. Even when it’s hard, don’t give up.”
Days like today when I barely get the kids on the bus, don’t get the writing done I had scheduled and never made the phone calls or filled out the forms I’ve had to do for a month, I remember what you told me Jenny. Not because you’re The Bloggess or because you’re cool. Because you are a human being who has been through it.
So, I have changed tactics. Instead of trying to have good days, I’m looking for golden moments each day. Even if it’s just getting out of bed, I’ve accomplished something and that moment should be appreciated. Life is short, and God knows I don’t have the energy for 24 good hours. So I’ll take as many good moments as I can get.
Sounds pretty normal with a side of fancy to me. You do things with your own twist.
Feeling like an imposter, or a failure is common for me too, and many days my main goal is “to get something done so it looks like I’ve done something!”
Because I have a chronic pain thing, I have a “bare minimum” I try to make sure I do every day. If I can’t manage more, I give myself a pass because well, I did do the “bare minimum”! And if I can’t do it, then I know it is a bad day and I need to give myself a break till the next day. (but not too many next days later) For me, the bare minimum is to get dressed, eat something, and make my bed. Sometimes that takes awhile. But often, once I do that, I can do just a bit beyond. after a rest.
Thanks for being real.
Sometimes I read my bio or resume and am surprised by how much I’ve actually done. Then I feel like a total imposter, even though I’m looking right at proof. And I read about other women my age (mid-50s) who seem to be doing so much, and who’ve accomplished amazing things, and I’m back to feeling like a loser in comparison.
I always feel like this. I have no mental illness or anxiety or depression that I know of, but I still always struggle with feeling like I’ve not done enough. A few days a month, yeah. Otherwise, I feel dull and like my to do list has only grown, and I’ve wasted more time reading it watching tv or hanging with friends instead of the “important stuff.” I think a lot of us need to realize that surviving is really what we are made for. The rest of this stuff is not required. Spending time with the people close to us is the most important thing we can do. After that, all we have to do is stay alive, right? Sending you love and a hope that you make peace with this battle. Hugs!
Your army of support in these comments is bloody amazing! Thanks for sharing what we all feel, most all of the time. And we all know that there are simple answers (smile more!) to depression, lack of motivation and feeling like a complete f*up a lot of the time, so it’s even worse knowing that and still not managing to brush our teeth and chirp hello in the morning.
I’ve been wondering why there hasn’t been an app for it. No, really I’m not joking. Why isn’t there an app for happiness? I mean, we’re getting so good now at predicting and manipulating behavior. Why not come up with some simple systems that can help people feel better. Then today .. just before I read your blog .. I watched Jane McGonigal’s TED Talk about depression and games. I think she’s really on to something.
http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html
I’m 47, and for me, at least, it’s gotten better with age. Maybe my brain is just withering away, or maybe I’m more comfortable in my skin- either way, those feelings of failing at living have dissipated. That’s not to say that I don’t wake up at 2 AM mulling over every fucked up thing I’ve done, but it happens a lot less often and I find that I’m generally more content. I just don’t hold on to the bad feelings like I used to. I hope that time works for you, too.
Meh. With 2300+ comments on this in one day? You’ll probably never see this. But it’s quite clear you (and I and the rest of the previous commenters) aren’t alone.
If I’m lucky? I get 3-4 good days a month. I get 3-4 okay days a month. I might get ONE ‘I kicked that day’s ass’ day a month… or every 2 months.
I’ve stopped believing those people who are so amazing are so amazing. I think the people who are “crushing it” or “kicking ass and taking names” all the time have to be suffering somewhere in their lives. It just doesn’t show because I’m too busy noticing my own cracks.
I think the thing I liked best about you the very first time I met you Jenny was that you were a kindred spirit… the agoraphobic, anxiety-ridden, depressed, chatty person in the bathroom at your own party. Only you’re a better writer than I will ever be.
Which is kind of a relief. Because I couldn’t read 2.3k comments to one post ever… and I’d feel obligated to try.
Love you. Love all of us imposters.
By the time I got to read this post there were 2400+ comments, so I didn’t read them all and maybe this has already been said:
Lots of days a month, I feel like someone, at any time, could discover that I’m actually just Making Shit Up, that I’m not all together and maybe I don’t know all that much. But I try not to quantify. I celebrate the *moments* that feel successful in each day. And sometimes it’s only one. I have to just let the rest go. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to face another day.
I used to suffer from depression a long while ago, but lately I’ve felt an anxiety creep up in me sometimes and this seems the only way that I can keep it from overwhelming me.
Over 2400 people and counting, myself included, care enough to comment. That is a quantifiable outcome. You should get it.
First, how fucking amazing is it that the Wikipedia page on imposter syndrome has a notation that “This page has issues”? No shit!
To answer your question, maybe 5 days in a month do I really feel like I have it all together. The other days I try to lay the groundwork for the 5 days by not backsliding (Yes, I am also in CBT and on medication). I recently developed 2 mixed-metaphors for my life that I have found helpful.
I have a young daughter, and I have begun thinking of myself as a booster rocket sending her on a journey to explore a new planet. It’s not the glamorous job of satellite or Martian rover, I don’t have direct control over whether or not the payload I am carrying will be successful in the overall mission, and I probably will have burned up in the atmosphere long before the mission is complete. But, I am very capable of the mission I have been assigned, and that’s OK. In the meantime, I am going to be the best damn booster rocket I can be (not one of those ganky North Korean things they parade around like they think we don’t recognize them as re-conditioned Rose Bowl Parade floats).
The other metaphor is borrowed from the idea of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. For a long time I felt I was toiling in that kind of futility when I and those around me should be trying instead to keep the ship from sinking. Recently I realized that I was replacing one brand of futility with another – it’s the Titanic for fuck’s sake, it’s going down! Knowing that, I think we are free to try something new, like maybe figuring out how we can lash the deck chairs together into a Gilligan’s Island-style raft and float away from the sinking ship.
I also think that if “twerk” is in the dictionary but “arsonistic” is not, dictionaries have officially become pointless and they should just open the floodgates and let anything be a word.
Re-reading this I’m not sure of it will be helpful, but I wish you luck, and thank you for bringing your humor into the world.
If I really evaluate life, I probably don’t accomplish great things, But I honestly feel like most days are pretty good and I feel satisfied with life.
HOWEVER, what scares me reading your post and all these comments is that I have people very close to me that are dealing with depression and other issues and I clearly have NO IDEA what is going on in their lives. It makes me realize I am clueless about people I love.
Things will change because you’ve shared. Thank you.
I don’t give a shit about successful. I give a shit about happy (or content, or okay, or some other word that means “not miserable”). And I can honestly say that I am 99% happy/content/okay with my life. Maybe slightly less than that, because I do slip into depression from time to time, and while it always has a situational catalyst it can be incredibly difficult to pull myself out of. But I generally live my life a day at a time. Yesterday sucked? Whatever, today was okay. I wait tables at thirty and have no career prospects? Whatever, I’m sure something else will come up eventually, and in the meantime my bills get paid. I don’t spend much time thinking about the future, and I honestly spend ZERO time thinking about the past. I don’t measure myself against anything other than today, which I’ve come to gather is an uncommon mindset. I don’t. give. a. shit.
Did you see that Bill Watterson comic recently? http://zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/ The idea of “success” is bullshit, and will only leave you feeling like you’re never successful enough. If you focus on feeling good about your life you’ll get a lot farther.
And maybe by “success” you mean “feeling good about your life”. I haven’t read all of the comments. And I don’t think my comment has been helpful at all, because I don’t know how to advise people to not give a shit. I actually give a shit about a LOT of things, I just stop giving a shit after I go to bed.
I have my days where I need someone to talk me down out of something insane. I’m the nonmarried non house owner of my family. Demons in the past scared me away from both of those so I settled for an apt next to work and I’m fine.
Yes it’s hard when compared to other people and I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because it’ll just fail. Some days I’m fine, other days I just want to hide from the world.
So you’re just as human as the rest of us, you’re not in prison doing life for a terrible crime or under the closer eye of the government than the rest of us. If that eye gets any closer, I will poke it with my FX lightsaber
I have wanted to thank you for a few months now. I guess this is a good time. You see, I’m completely “normal.” No mental illness, depression or anything. No first hand experience or any friends who shared. And I knew you only through your book and posts and you don’t dwell often and so it didn’t click. Until earlier this year my significant other began acting “off.” Then diagnosed with depression. Depression?!? Wtf does he have to be depressed about? I thought. But your blog gave me the inside scoop. It helped me understand. I also learned that none of us are “normal.” We all come with baggage. Some have carry-on and others roller bags. But that’s where we work together to get all our baggage on board together. So thank you. So much. Also, 1-3 days, but not the WHOLE day. Just parts.
You are absolutely not alone. If I’m lucky I feel good one day a week, which adds up to maybe 4 – 5 days a month. The rest of the time I alternate between feeling completely crap, or just not as good as I should feel. I haven’t worked for over two years, since my father in law died of cancer, and I felt like the last person other than my wife who cared about me had left me all alone. I often feel like I am a failure because I can’t find the fortitude to even revise my resume, much less look for work.
I got diagnosed with Autism – High Functioning (yeah right); previously known as Asperger’s; this at least explained the underlying cause of my anxiety, depression PTSD, and tendency towards OCD, but didn’t solve the problem. It also explains why of the three kids in my family, I still feel like I get treated like a child, a pain, an inconvenience, and as though I am immature, irresponsible, and badly behaved, yet both my siblings had not done anything I see as worthwhile, but for my parents the sun shines out of their arseholes.
Meds make me suicidal, so I can’t use them.
What I find helps is time alone, bushwalks, and resources you can find here: http://self-compassion.com/. It doesn’t magically make things better, but helps keep things in perspective, and makes it feel a bit more okay that life often sucks.
If you can learn to accept the melancholy, the negative, the bad shit that happens in life it gets easier, but there is no easy road to success.
I strongly suspect some of these shiny happy people are either shallow, narcissistic, living a lie, or all of the above.
I’d rather be authentic than happy for no reason, but I’d rather be happy than constantly miserable.
I don’t know the answer, but I know that you, me, and everyone else that has added a comment know exactly how you feel and we share your pain.
4-5 days a month, maybe. If I manage 2 days in the same week where I feel like I really excelled at doing what I planned to do, that’s a bonus!
My kids are older so I often joke with them that no matter what I do or did, it will be wrong! If I sign them up for activities, they’ll wish they had more free time. If I leave them to entertain themselves, I don’t encourage them enough! If I ask about their homework, they will say I’m nagging, if I don’t, I’m neglectful! So, on those days I feel Iike nothing’s working, I try to remind myself that no matter what I did or didn’t do, they’ll be complaining about it to some therapist in the future! If there’s really no “winning” then it doesn’t matter if I felt like I lost! As long as everyone is still breathing at bedtime, I’ve done a good job, anything else is just icing!
I feel like this all the time. Well, not a failure, per se, but I’m always feeling “not good enough”. I’m in grad school, which is like the Hunger Games for people with Impostor Syndrome- it’s a group of really talented, smart, motivated people with whom you are constantly competing for money, awards, and recognition. Plus, you’re supposed to be “tough” in grad school, so they don’t hand out compliments, just critique. My mental health suffers. I don’t even want to be an academic, any more. I just want to be done and the only reason I haven’t left yet is… stubbornness? Fear of everyone knowing just how big a failure I am? :-p Anyway, all that aside, I think I’ve found the “cure” for this bullshit. Cure is a bad word, but I’ll explain. For some of my research I had the privilege of living in a couple of remote Alaska Native villages. These places can be hard. Everyone has a story of a loved one committing suicide or dying by accident. Domestic violence, and abuse, extreme poverty, and despair are common. Despite that, the people in these communities I had the good fortune to encounter, were amazing. They used humor, love, and friendship to deal with the daily shit. Family is everything. Community togetherness is prized over individual achievement. And justice focuses on making people right with their neighbors, rather than punishment. This doesn’t mean everything is sunshine and roses, but it’s how they deal with things NOT being sunshine and roses. It’s a way better approach than the western ideal of buy-shit, eat-shit, and take-a-fake-picture-of-you-with-all-your-shit when you feel down. Short of moving to one of these communities, I think the take home message is to build a community that you can immerse yourself in that loves you, supports you, and can forgive/be forgiven by you when jackassery takes place. Don’t try to “fix” yourself. Surround yourself with positive people and bask in their positivity… at the very least it will distract you from your inner monologue of doom. And reaching out to an online community of these people is a very good place to start.
Hugs.
I feel like this most of the time during periods of depression, but only ocationally when I’m in a good place mentally. I haven’t quite figured out which one leads to the other, or if they are codependant problems. To trick myself into not feeling like a failure, I try to adjust what success means to me (for instance, I wasn’t reading much because if seemed unpreductive, but finally realized that being able to mark a book off the “to read” list was at least as preductive as fucking around on the computer, which is what I always seemed to end up doing instead, So I let it be ok to just sit and read for hours. Which I find very theraputic, which helped not be so depressed, and so the cycle goes up for a little while, and we hope the next down is more shallow than the last.)
For me, the only thing I really wanted to be when I grew up was happy, so I try to (constantly) remind myself that as long as I do something in a day that makes me happy, I am a success. It’s all about the little things.
And all the shiny happy people who you feel inferior in comparison to: guarantee they have their own mental closet monsters and dark scarry secrets. Human condition, baby.
Not that you have time to read through all of these and down to this one, but I’m adding my two cents anyway. I think this is very much a “thing” for many of us moms. I am a freelance writer and I always feel torn between my work and my kids and pets and the house is a mess and what did I really accomplish today? I’m not sure what the answer is (hell, I’m not sure what the QUESTION even is), but I think it’s not just you. Hope that helps a tiny bit.
I know hundreds (and/or possibly thousands) of people have probably responded with similar responses, but I figure one more could not hurt. You are not alone. Some days I cannot remember how to smile or when I last smiled (a sincere smile). What I mean is a smile that was not prompted or required of me. The type that requires no approval/acknowledgement and is just for me.
And no matter how much I accomplish, I end each day wondering what more could I have done. I find myself apologizing for everything. Collecting enough shame and guilt to create a barrier between that rest of the world and myself. I am petrified of people and of change, but challenge myself to face these fears in order to fulfill my duties as a funeral service provider.
What I have come to understand more and more is that everything you do matters, just as everything you don’t do matters because whether it is intentional or not, we share our lives with others. We are responsible, and though our success rate may be lower than our failures, the only REAL failure would be to not try at all. To not give people, the world, and ourselves that chance because it is outside our comfort zones would be the greatest failure of all. On those days, when I am frozen with fear, weary from the guilt and shame I carry, and facing something much larger than I can cope with, I just tell myself “ You’ve survived worse”. I have been to see doctors, and taken, medication, I have been hospitalized, blamed, broken and pieced back together again… but I am still standing. I am somehow still here and though I can never have one of those lives like you described, that are shiny and pretty and seemingly perfect, I DO have the ability to make some small difference and to share my life with people who matter the most. Those moments just watching movies with your daughter or the conversations you share with her and your partner are successes because it is time spent together. Life is so short, if we spend our whole lives trying to hide or trying to be polished and shiny, we will miss out on the people that make life important.
I think everyone has days where they see themselves as unsuccessful. For me, it depends. I like my job, but people (mostly my parents and sometimes my husband) like to point out that the job I am in now didn’t require my degrees or certificates I’ve obtained in the past. Sometimes I even remind myself this. So, I went to school, have degrees on my wall that make me “look” smart, despite not doing anything that I went to school for. Am I unsuccessful? I guess I am, but I’m happy, and I think happiness outweighs success. Especially after having to battle with depression and depression episodes. I did a job related to my degree and hated it. One job even triggered depression. So a successful day to me is being able to go out (even if it is to the bank, store or whatever) and doing something normal. Sometimes, a successful day is not crying over anything, and actually having a laugh. To be honest Miss Bloggess, I think you are too hard on yourself. Considering that you have anxiety and depression, I think a successful day could be just going out to the bank (regardless if you’re scared shitless) and talking to a stranger (even if you start rambling about Beyoncé, the rooster or whatever is on your mind). You were able to get out of the house, see someone and not loose your shit! Hooray! That’s awesome.
I take any little thing – especially being happy as being successful. It’s not about money (ok, as long as I can at least pay the bills, I’m doing ok), being rich, popular or anything like that. Even the “picture perfect” people you see on Facebook, Instagram or whatever have hidden flaws. We may not see those flaws on the outside, but I am sure every one of those people has a closet that’s just piled with crap (think Monica from “Friends” and her “dirty closet”).
Besides, no one is really perfect. Media, pop culture and people in general always want to have that “image” of the perfect person – but even those (think rich and famous people) “perfect” people screw up, and have to go to rehab, get DUIs, or go into bankruptcy and become poor.
So, at the end of the day, you and I are better off with our lives. We don’t have constant photos of us, nor do we have drug or alcohol problems and we don’t have to visit rehab on a weekly/monthly basis. To me, that is a successful life! Oh, and if you ever need to feel better about writing or whatever, watch Californication. Although David Duchovny’s character Hank is quite brilliant, you will feel much more successful with writing and about your life because his life is so messed up!
Hope you start celebrating the small successes in life! 🙂 Luv, one of your biggest fans (in hopefully not a creepy way). I just really love reading your posts and book because not only are they hilarious, I think you are a brilliant person. I hope to be half as good as you are with writing and entertaining people as you are!
Sometimes people say to me “Your such a good mom” and I feel like if they lived in my house, they’d think differently. Being a SAHM is my job and many days I feel I suck at it. I don’t work outside the home, don’t serve on the PTA (ours is full of scary women who would do nothing for my self esteem issues,) my house is messy and sometimes I wish I had the money to send my kids to the afterschool program, just so that some days I’d have a little longer away from them.
“You’re such a good mom.”
What I am is a faker.
But not every day.
Not the day I made 120 cupcakes when someone else bailed on the school bakesale.
Not the day I scored Taylor Swift concert tickets for my oldest.
Not the day I agreed to let my son bring home the class rodent FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER.
Not the days I write a fun note on my kids’ lunch napkins.
Not on the days I watch school plays, or agonize over talent show try outs or drive 100 miles for a baton twirling competition.
Not on the days I find a way to sell off enough crap at a yard sale to send my son to Lego Camp.
Not on the days I spend an hour in the pool with them.
Not on the days I stay up late making the perfect party invitations.
Not on the days they are sick and I put them in bed with me, and hope the germs don’t get me.
Some of those days are once in a lifetime. Some of those days come only once a year.
But on the worst days, I try to remember how they see me.
And on those days, most of them anyway, I remember, I’m a good mom after all.
And so are you.
Facebook and Pinterest and Twitter…those are, so often, other people’s highlight reels. And I can’t compare myself to those. I try to remember it’s like a bad movie…the trailer looks awesome, you can’t wait to see it. But then it turns out the trailer had all the best parts and the movie as a whole isn’t that great.
That’s most people’s lives, I think. The highlights on Facebook look like the whole picture, but really, they are just the best parts.
I don’t have your depression. I don’t feel the things you feel to the depths that you do, maybe.
But I feel them.
I think we all do.
http://youtu.be/B0sy7y54XAE
This is my pep-talk song.
So I know you have a TON of comments, but I just wanted to say:
“They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off.”
How do you know any of this? You see them and you make the same assumptions about their “perfect” lives that you say people must make about yours. Truth is, we’re all fucked all kinds of up.
My mom tried to be that PTA/church activist/social/perfect person. She had a fantastically successful career in her field as well. And then she got home and her husband abused her and her daughter (me) for reasons I don’t entirely understand other than to say he was an asshole. He didn’t have the stereotypical “excuse” of a drinking problem or a mental illness, he was just…an asshole. But, and here’s the kicker, she would never admit it or do anything about it because she was afraid of ruining that perfect WASP White Picket Fence White Middle Class Family I Have It All image. Because, I’m assuming, people would judge her like you’re afraid of us judging you.
And you know what? People will absolutely judge you for that kind of shit, for not being perfect. Thing is, I will 100% guarantee you that they are not perfect either. Judgy people are looking for someone else to punish for their own “imperfections.”
So what I’m saying I guess is — rather than tell you what other commenters have already said about it being ok not to be perfect — that admitting that you are not perfect is a HUGE AND AWESOME step. Being able to talk about pain and admit you’re human and can suffer is a step on the road to healing. Notice: healing, not perfection. WTF is perfection anyway? Being human is not about being perfect. It’s about…well, I don’t know. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. And I promise that those PTA moms haven’t either.
A counselor once told me not to judge my insides by other people’s outsides. It’s advice that I’ve often had to remind myself of.
I have borderline personality disorder and I often feel like this. With borderline, I can feel great one second and horrible the next, literally. I look at friends, strangers, coworkers, etc and it just seems like everyone has it together. Like you said, I’m just treading water. I have a job that I go to, and I’m good at, but I hate it. And I just wake up every day and do the same thing I did before, go to a job of hate, with no glimmer of hope to get out. Even though I hope to change my life, to something meaningful and would make me happy, I just have no idea what that is and worse, how to achieve it. So, I do nothing and wait and feel like a failure.
I have borderline personality disorder and I often feel like this. With borderline, I can feel great one second and horrible the next, literally. I look at friends, strangers, coworkers, etc and it just seems like everyone has it together. Like you said, I’m just treading water. I have a job that I go to, and I’m good at, but I hate it. And I just wake up every day and do the same thing I did before, go to a job of hate, with no glimmer of hope to get out. Even though I hope to change my life, to something meaningful and would make me happy, I just have no idea what that is and worse, how to achieve it. So, I do nothing and wait and feel like a failure.
Jenny,
Thank you so much for this post. It seriously could not have come at a better time. My story is pretty typical, and I realize this because I’ve been googling “20-something year old college graduate overcome with anxiety, fear, and crippling self-loathing” just about every night since graduation, and have received eleventy billion replies. I know this is nothing special. I know I’m in the same boat as literally a million other people. But I don’t want to be on this boat. It’s crowded and sweaty and awful. I’m also convinced that I’m in the worst condition of the whole crew, despite knowing better.
I graduated from Angelo State University (in case that sounds familiar) this year with a degree in English with a creative writing specialization. I used to love writing deeply, but I usually did it as a reflex, and it used to be fun, a release, almost a game. I always assumed I’d be well on my way to doing something super fantastic by now, in a bigger city, with a passion. I’d be a writer. Or a video editor. Or a graphic designer/performance artist/traveling circus performer. I did well in college and felt genuine joy when my poems would come back with happy little A pluses, or a 14 minute performance got an invite to a national conference. I felt validated, talented…a non-waste of air. Now, I’m 23, graduated…and beyond directionless. Though super minor and local, I got a taste of success, and now I feel used up and done.
Since graduation, I typically just ricochet between manically depressed and psychotically angry. There’s a never-ending stream of self-hate-talk,telling me that if I don’t figure out a direction soon, then I may as well find an attractive rock to crawl under and wait to die…but that I probably WON’T find a very good looking rock, but everyone else I know will find amazing rocks that I was just too untalented and unintelligent to see. I’m taking grad classes, feeling like a tool, knowing I’m merely delaying the inevitable. This, no job prospects, no passion, drive, or motivation all culminate to mean that I have good MOMENTS, not days. While this has been going on, I’ve just been moody, irritable, and a general ass-pain to know.
I feel the worst when I keep the creeping sensation that I’m a waste of life-blood for not figuring out my shit yet. I feel great when I create something that makes me, and hopefully others, go “Hey…some other things definitely suck more than that.” But every time this happens, I usually feel as though I will never come up with anything worth looking at EVER AGAIN EVER, usually making me think the creative effort wasn’t even worth it. To make myself feel more successful…I…I don’t know. That’s what I’d like to figure out, I guess? I’d just like a direction, a clear passion. I think then, maybe I’d be happy. Or less obnoxiously angsty. Seriously, if you could hear inside my head. Saying it’s straight-jacket-worthy is only slightly melodramatic.
Anyway, BACK to square one. Thank you for this post. I remember when Ally posted her first Hyperbole and a Half blog after a long break, and how much her honesty meant to me. I felt much less alone. This has made me feel the same sense of relief. You’re a person I really admire and relate to, and knowing that even a good writer, hilarious person, and generally admirable fellow Texan feels shitty and worthless sometimes, too…well, it doesn’t make me feel GOOD, per se. I’m not an ASSHOLE who gets my jollies on others’ discomfort. But it does make me feel like less of a useless shit-bag. My anxiety, depression, and fear is still present, but maybe I see it a bit differently now.
So thank you, Bloggess. If nothing else, today you succeeded in helping a lost little grad kid sleep a bit better tonight.
It looks like you’ve already got a pretty large sample group of answers but, for what it’s worth, I’ve never been diagnosed with a mental health issue, and I feel like this a lot. In my experience lots of other people will admit feeling that way, if you get them drunk first. Or, apparently, get them on your blog 🙂
It happens to me too! Especially turning 30, unemployed, living with the parentals!
Everything you’ve described in your post is what I’ve experienced most of my life and what I still experience now, although lately, it happens just a little less. A change in diagnosis, a new therapy (emdr) more conducive to trauma instead of depression. But more than anything, I just want to be less sad. I’m closing in on 50 and surely, by now, I must have paid penance for whatever in the hell it was that I did. I want to stop spending the utterly life depleting amounts of energy that I spend trying to pretend that what is happening to me isn’t happening to me. Who in the hell could answer emails when they are spending a months worth of energy every day managing what you are feeling (my inbox stands at 961 unanswered emails).
All these replies to your post show that there are so many of us out there, that we’re not alone. But I don’t think that’s going to make me any less lonely in my next moment of despair. Some days, if I get some kids fed one time, that’s a win. Forget leaving the house. But somedays are better and after 30+ years of being absolutely positive that I am so much less than everyone else I just want some peace.
I wish I was any one of the number of people out there who are living bigger, more confidant, more energetic lives. I wish that because I have ambition and I’m terrified that it will always be unfulfilled. But more than anything, I’m tired of being judged and of judging myself, of trying to be anything other than what I am. I keep trying to twist and fit myself into the world the way I am, and so many days it’s awful and the world is too big. But Lately, I want to DEMAND to be allowed to be broken and still enter the world anyway, because I believe that I have value in that form also. I believe you do as well and that it is ok to be imperfect.
I think that you should keep trying to improve your experience, with meds (Yay for Prozac and Xanax! Yay for cocktail hour too) and therapy, but I think you should also keep learning to enjoy yourself and forget about comparing yourself to everyone around you. That is the path to madness. Remember, the world is more interesting for holding both Martha Stewart and Hunter S. Thompson on it at the same time. The world is far richer because you’re in it and you’re brave enough to show up in life as yourself. But you should always demand more happiness for yourself, even if it starts out as an extra day or two per month. xoxo
It’s not just you. And judging by how long I had to hold the ‘page down’ key down in order to post a reply… it’s not just you and me, either.
Not alone at all. I have depression and ADD (both diagnosed when I was about 12). I’d say I was averaging around the same 3-4 “kick ass” days a month when I was at my most “normal” (aka highest point) in my life so far (6 years ago). I was living with and engaged to the woman I loved. Between the 2 of us we were making enough money to have out own place and start putting aside a little bit of money for the future (buying a house, kids, etc). Working on my writing (such as it was) when I didn’t feel like death from my job. Still felt like a total fraud. Then, like now, when someone would compliment me on something I did I would discount it. Figured they were just being polite or I was better at lying to the world than I was at whatever they were complimenting me on. If someone called me handsome or good looking (including my fiance) I told them they needed to get their eyes checked. That relationship ended badly and without warning which sent me into a 2 year major depression. Felt like she finally figured out the fraud I was. Since then I quit that job (which I hated anyway), moved out of state to get away from all the memories attached to everything, never found work where I moved to, had to move back in with my parents, and at this point haven’t had more than a months worth of work at a time in over 4 years. Additionally just got dumped yet again. Figure I feel like I’m down to maybe a handful of “kick ass” days in a year. At this point pretty much the only “success” I achieve is not giving in to the depression and ending it all. Even that feels like a failure because the voices keep telling me I’m too much of a fucking coward to stop the pain. They keep saying that that was as good as it was ever gonna get. It’s all downhill and I’m already in a total free fall. 4 years of sending out resumes and filling out applications to no avail (they finally figured out that I’m not worth paying for anything). No money to go out, or even pay for a cell phone any more, and even if I could no woman would go home with an unemployed jackass that lives with his parents like me. The jewelry I try to sell to bring in even a little bit of money isn’t selling. Got loads of writing projects half started. Even the one thing that I’m even a bit excited about feels like a chore when I have the energy to sit down and try to write. They other day I actually felt some motivation to write and ended up getting almost 2 paragraphs written in just over 2 hours before I gave up.
In the comparing my life to others (which we shouldn’t be doing in the first place because that’s how this shit starts to begin with) column, at this point I would be “happy” (at least as happy as an unmedicated depressive with ADD can be) to have a child I could spend time with, a spouse that I love and loves me, any of my writing projects done and actually out in the world, and a house of my own to share with them.
Kinda forgot where I was going with all this babbling bullshit. Probably something about how even what you see as failing at life and not being good enough to call yourself an adult still looks like success and something to be envied by some people. I saw on one of those random fact twitter feeds the other day that the human brain (even ones that don’t have metal illness) are hardwired to seek out negative information. So I’d be willing to bet that nearly everyone on earth feels this way at least sometimes.
You aren’t alone and you have more friends and people that love you than you can possibly know. I’d say that makes you a success no matter what your brain says.
Jenny,
I know how you feel simply from experience.
I too, have issues with feeling successful at life in general. When I was twenty years old, I was contemplating suicide because I felt like I wasn’t being a productive member of society, and even attempted it once. For me, it took looking death in the face to realize that maybe even one day if being successful is more than some people, and that every good deed, no matter how small, is better than the greatest good intention.
When I was 19 I was told that I may never be able to have children, so I gave up on dating and just worked non stop, where I met my husband who did nothing but talk about how he can’t wait to be a father. To this day, it still kills me inside. And with him being military and now following him around the world, all I can think is that I’ve failed him, and I too, Jenny, have felt what you feel.
The only thing that keeps me from leaving my husband so he may find someone who can give him children, and so I don’t end my own life, is nothing more than two pairs of German shepherd eyes. My dogs are constantly reminding me that no matter what, I matter to them.
I was raised by a single mom, and she is also another big reason why I won’t give up. Jenny, you love your daughter, and you love victor, and they love you. And you have your cats. To me, that’s an accomplishment all in its own.
What you feel is normal. If you want to make more of a difference, I’ve found volunteering at animal shelters to be anxiety free (since its cats and dogs and very few people) and also doing little things for those you love. We always remember the little things (my mom would always tuck me in until my teens, my husband always greets me with a hug and kiss on the cheek, etc). The little things are what makes the world a better place.
I’m sorry for making this so personal. I hope it helps.
-Leah
wow. I feel like this all the time (and after over 2000 comments I doubt you’ll read this but I’m posting it anyway :P). The thought of even trying to be a PTA mom makes my chest tighten up. I would much rather hide in the house away from perfect PTA parents.
Once I went to a crafting class with my then 3 year old son and I broke down and cried because his creation wasn’t like all the other kids and instead of admirring his creativity I felt like everyone was judging me somehow. (I totaly lied and said I had a migraine to explain the weepiness – this is before I started on anxiety meds)
I often feel like everyone else has their shit together with their perfect clean houses that probably don’t have boxes of “things to sort through” still sitting in their living room, or whose idea of cleaning is to just shove the mess under the bed/couch ect until company leaves. I always feel like people are better then me, more perfect and together and I am just calling it in.
I read this acctualy last week, printed it out and have it above my computer in an attempt to make it my new motto
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what people really thought of you if you knew just how seldom they do.”
I rarely post here and I’m sure this reply is a bit scattered lol (sleeping meds kicking in and all) but thank you for not being in PTA and having boxes you haven’t unpacked and not owning a picnic basket. Now I feel one step closer to being “normal” (whatever that is :P)
I didn’t want to risk my response being lost in a comment submission snafu, so I just wrote a blog post letter to you instead. http://theborgblogger.blogspot.com/2013/09/an-open-letter-to-bloggess.html
Wow and joy.
I feel like I don’t fit in, have almost no social life and generally feel most groups would prefer I left (based on direct observations). Writing here is a reach out, but I am doing it after reading others saying the same thing. We are really not alone.
Thank you. Thank the community, I am reading and seeping tears. And thinking damn, I do need to put myself out there more. If Jenny can do it…
And yes, I feel that tomorrow my world will look at me and say. Geez, why haven’t we noticed you aren’t adding much….
But, every now and then I see my gifts.
Starting a list with a red marker today, that seems like good advice. Both add more and appreciate what I do do.
It’s not just you. I’m lucky if I feel human twice a month.
I’m an expat. Have been for over 12 years now. That means I’m a “trailing spouse” who doesn’t work because I don’t have the language skills/visa/citizenship to work (I’m a writer. The EU doesn’t need American writers in their businesses when there are plenty of UK ones). The point is I’m a SAHM. I don’t suffer from depression. My life is really nice. And I, too, have many days a month where my big accomplishment is “scheduled car for routine maintenance.”. Okay, I had to do that in a foreign language. But my point is that life, once your hierarchy of needs is met, is pretty mundane. So you have to try to find some beauty in a sunset. Or a flower. Or the stars on a clear night. Or when your kids laugh. Because that is it. Don’t beat yourself up. Breathe. Live in the now. Find the pleasure in whatever you are doing right now — be it making a bed or a meal, walking the dog, connecting with a friend. Just breathe. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are loved. Greatly.
There are so many comments on this post that I don’t know if this will be seen, but in the hopes that it will I’ll put it out there. I’m fairly certain, and hoping to reassure in some tiny sense, that ‘twerk’ hasn’t actually been added to the official OED but instead the ODO—Oxford Dictionary Online, which I gather is a more colloquial collection suited to modern everyday language.
I had to look into the matter when I heard the twerk rumour, it seemed… well, simply too much.
I want to reply to the rest of your post, but every time I begin a sentence, a paragraph, a thought, I shake my head, ridicule and criticise, erase and look again at the empty space. I guess that speaks for itself.
We are all just people, but people in a world bombarded with constructions that are so much more than human. Human IS dirty hair and bad days and dressing to fade into the background of a campus filled with beautiful girls that make you feel uncomfortable in public because of your own insecurities, feeling like an expensive failure and hopelessly comparing yourself to the perceived success at every turn. I don’t know… Life is just hard, I guess. We are all just pretending, and hoping like hell that it doesn’t become too apparent. I’m just wee, barely out of college, so what would I know of the world, but I hear often that the brilliant ones are those who have the most trouble.
I homeschool my kids, I cook almost exclusively from scratch with organic ingredients, I work out 5 days a week, I volunteer at my church and cart my kids around to numerous extra curricular activities, and I’ve had two books published. It sounds like I’ve got my shit together, doesn’t it? But I feel EXACTLY the same as you, I could have written this post myself, down to the 3-4 days a month I feel productive and the rest of the time, I’m nearly crushed with guilt that I haven’t done enough. It’s not just you.
I have a close friend who is one of the shiny, pretty people you see at school (not really because we live in California, but you get the idea). She runs 25 miles a week, takes her 3 kids to multiple sports, they all play an instrument, she plans amazing parties, is a professional photographer and on every committee possible at school. Sounds like she has her shit together too, doesn’t it? But she and I get together once a month for breakfast and she breaks down and sobs because she feels crushed by guilt that she doesn’t have it together and is failing. It’s not just you.
I say these things not to praise all the STUFF that me and my friend do, but to tell you that even the shiniest, most outwardly successful people struggle and hurt sometimes and doubt themselves and battle with guilt. Maybe we’re just better at hiding it? Whatever. What it comes down to is, IT IS SO NOT JUST YOU. And I don’t have any great advice for how to be better at stuff because I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but what I tell myself on those other 26-27 days a month is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. By the grace of God. Because you can.
You’ve just described me, and I feel less alone. Some days I can’t get motivated to do anything, but I’ve learned to accept that, and tell myself that whatever it is that I need to get done can wait til tomorrow. I also remind myself that I deserve a day to just veg, that I don’t have to, nor do I want to be productive every day. And I am with you that I only feel truly successful occasionally (more like 5-6 days out of the month). Mine is made worse by my worst fear though, the fear of people talking behind my back, one that my coworkers perpetuate. Do you have this fear too? I’m dying to know. How do you cope with it? Finally, when all else fails, I listen to Battle Without Honor or Humanity by Tomoyasu Hotei. It makes me feel completely badass
I struggled privately for several years after I left the “traditional employment” world and moved into doing my own thing. Often I felt I couldn’t be honest with the folks around me – some of whom were friends who worked for me and others of whom were clients (and thus not actual “friends.”) Then I joined a group of people MUCH more successful in what I thought at the time were pretty important ways. My massive, show-stopping inferiority complex really hit its stride then. I felt like a failure and I felt like there was no one I could talk to about it. And that nothing I did was right and literally everything I touched went to shit. After awhile I just waited for the problems to emerge not question whether or not they would.
Based on that experience and others, I think there’s a lot of shit people cover up. That group of massively successful people I joined? Only after I removed myself from the situation could I see that most of them had my exact same inferiority complex, but weren’t self-aware enough to even recognize it much less do something to resolve it. I also found that the more I learned I wasn’t alone, but more confident I felt that I wasn’t a total and complete fuck up. Most recently this article about entrepreneurs helped; I don’t think it just applies to entrepreneurs, but anyone doing their own, non-traditional thing: http://www.inc.com/magazine/201309/jessica-bruder/psychological-price-of-entrepreneurship.html
Well, Jenn, as you always say “Depression Lies”. I’d like to add a coda to that truthism: Not only does depression lie, it will literally turn around, struggle to maintain a straight face (successfully) and will attempt that it is YOU who is to blame for these feelings. Depression’s whole motto is “Who, Me?”
That being said, depression is like that abusive, obsessive lover, who tricks you into thinking everything is your fault and making sure that you feel absolutely alone and isolated in your Depression.
Depression is kind of an asshole, like that.
I think things like this came to a head for me last year, when I heard through the grapevine, that some parents at the school I teach were saying how much I “Loathe” teaching; I “loathe” my students, my teacher friends, the school, etc. I just felt like saying to these people: “You tacky, vindictive due to lack of fucking people! I don’t loathe my students, school or anything else here. I don’t even loathe you. I loathe living. So, I will leave you to your hate/elitist/gossipy selves. I’m really too busy trying to find reasons to stay alive. Fuck you all very much.”
And then, after those really self-hating thoughts, I always do this: I find the one thing that makes me feel good about me, my life choices, my life. For instance, I love ABCs “Castle”, starring Nathan (Capt. Tightpants Fillion). It’s premiering on Sept. 23rd, AND the cast is gonna do a Q&A at the Paley Festival that weekend! That helps me a lot! Plus, I have an awesome class, with one girl whose name is River. I called her “Miss River Tam” one day, and she was all “How did you KNOW?! I was named for her! She’s a superhero!” (This was confirmed by her mom who said River came home that day all excited because I was the first person who made that connection.”
In closing, don’t live “in the moment”; you need to live “in A moment” which reminds you of how awesome life can really be, whether you want it to be or not.
And, if it helps at all, please enjoy this trailer for a fancy, indy, foreign film my cats are starring in: Buried Alive http://youtu.be/yiRC7TiIoFc
I think you are BRAVE. I like how you actually say out loud how you truly feel. Keep kicking ass and inspiring us all…
So I’m response #2484 and I doubt you’ll get this far through the list or that anyone else will either, but the overwhelming reaction is that we’re all faking it, we all feel like frauds, we all feel like we ‘should’ be something better, something more, SOMETHING. If I didn’t have two cats who depend on my for food and cleaning their litter box, I would go days and days and days without ever getting out of bed.
Jenny, Harper Lee wrote one book. One, and she is on every list of great American authors. Measure your “success” at life by realizing you are still breathing, you haven’t quit, your family totally knows you and they love you– not because they have to, because they want to.
Oh hey, and I read too much Boggle when I can’t cope. Particularly this one: http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/60316459634
Nope. Not just you. I see you have like 2K comments, so I’ll go peruse them and see if anyone posted some great ideas, cause I’ve got nuthin’.
I think I feel successful MAYBE 5 days a month. That’s a good month. I have all sorts of objective measures of how I am, technically, successful as a human being. I am high functioning. People tell me they like me; they tell me how great I am.
Thing is, I just don’t feel it. It’s imposter syndrome, like you. It’s also that I can’t usually seem to believe that any of it matters. I think it is called existential depression, or maybe just enui. Or anhedonia. It’s just feeling like “why bother?” And I cannot even bring myself to get help because I’ve been at the very bottom. I barely survived suicide in my teens. So this “why bother?” just doesn’t seem . . . important enough to take it seriously. But it still sucks.
Worse, even when I’m feeling OK, I don’t really feel . . . well . . . human. I walk around with all these dead feelings, faking it. I feel like I’m just pretending to be human. So even when I’m not apathetic or bored with life or insecure about being a fraud with my success, I still don’t feel successful because I don’t feel all that human. I’m just . . . here.
Wow, when I write it out like that, it sounds pretty bad. I should probably seek out help.
How do I feel better? I take slow deep breaths, relaxing, and letting go as much as possible the need to meet meaningless arbitrary (bull$#!7) measures of being “successful.” After a while of letting go, I think about the things that are really important. I focus on those goals I have worked so hard to set up for myself. I think about the future I am working to create.
I feel good every day cause I wake up knowing I left my (ex)husband before he could kill me! So every day alive is a gift. You have a daughter & a husband….you wrote a FAB book…you have a house & a life. Those people with “pastel” lives are fucking boring. So good on YOU…live it up, drink some wine & know you are a success. There. It is true.
I’ll echo everyone else here: you’re definitely, absolutely, totally not alone. Not only am I a social worker by day who helps all kinds of people in similar situations, but I’m a bipolar and anxiety-ridden disaster by night. Okay, let’s be real, I’m a bipolar and anxiety-ridden disaster during the day, too, but I’m required by professional standards to keep it to myself while I’m on work premises.
I don’t think I can quantify how many days I feel successful vs. utterly incompetent and purposeless; it changes minute by minute. And honestly, by the end of the day, I try to just pat myself on the back for continuing to breathe ALL DAY LONG and not crying and/or screaming in front of clients or colleagues. Some days I have moments of joy or peace or zen and I try to soak those in for as long as they’ll stay. And, to the extent that I possibly can, I do what my heart tells me so that I avoid situations where I feel trapped or worthless or truly miserable. I do things that I’m passionate about and spend as little time as possible dwelling on how much better my life could be “if only…” One of my favorite clients told me that “we all just need to stop “should-ing” on yourselves.” I love that.
At the end of the day I just remind myself of what I tell my clients: honor yourself wherever you’re at, however you feel. You’re allowed to have emotions– there is no such thing as a “bad” feeling. It’s all just part of the human experience, shitty as that seems sometimes, and this too shall pass.
OK… I live a lie too. I have such a struggle to stay focused long enough to actually finish anything at work and I am constantly worried that someone has picked up on the dance I do to keep all the balls in the air. Some people are frustrated by all the social media etc that is blocked online at work and I’m so so greatful because at my last job, when those things were available I got even less work done because the distraction factor skyrocketed.
We have a work schedule that was just introduced that allows workers to get every other Friday off. I didn’t want to participate initially because I thought… what will I do with a 3 day weekend every other week? I can barely handle to 2 days I have now. At least at work I have a schedule that needs to be adhered to at least in some manner. I find this helps me work on productivity and on some days experience productivity. Those are great days! The other days… the ones where I watch Netflix all weekend and do so little that I have physical pain from lack of activity… oh the shame. Sometimes I change my clothes and put a book around me then turn the tv off a few minutes before I hear my husband come downstairs so he doesn’t think that’s all I’ve been doing. Or I will quickly run to the kitchen to start doing dishes and then I even look productive! 🙂 I also find I have to hide any chocolate. I don’t appreciate him adding shame to my own personal guilt because he doesn’t understand the need to watch every episode of (insert name of show here – there are too may) this weekend! THAT is my goal. And sometimes, I give myself permission for that to be enough.
You are not alone. Some of us hide it better than others. I am currently on an upswing. But a year ago I almost lost my job because I just couldn’t keep all the balls in the air and people were noticing that I was just throwing the balls across the room because it wasn’t worth the effort to pretend I could keep them in the air. (Funny, bosses don’t like this behavior).
HANG IN THERE.
DEPRESSION LIES.
I feel like I have about 2 days of productive a month… and I class productive as actually living and working like a successful normal person and making the most of my capabilities… so you are totally not alone!
God, Imposter Syndrome, YES. The first time I read about what that was I wanted to cry. “Really?! It’s a thing? It’s not just me?” Of course, now I often worry that I’m the exception and am really just awful.
I’m objectively doing well; I got into a good grad school, I have fantastic friends, I’ve traveled…real checklist kind of stuff. But I often feel like I can muster only enough energy to get done what needs to be done to maintain myself, and anything else is exhausting. That probably says more about my state than yours, but if they are similar then I hope we can both take comfort in knowing there are others.
You literally described my biggest daily battle in life. Ever since my husband and I moved, and I got a job (I work at Target) I’ve been terrible at being a person. I NEVER want to get out of bed anymore, and 5+ years ago I was a morning person. I’m ALWAYS too tired. Too tired to do this, far too exhausted to do that, entirely too weary to get anything done. I actually really like my job, even though I’m a low-level employee who doesn’t get paid enough for the amount of effort I put into my job. But I love working with people, actually. Turns out I’m surprisingly good at answering the phone, and making guests happy. SO I actually enjoy my job, although it takes a LOT out of me every day. But that’s all I do. I sleep, I struggle to wake up, I sit there on the computer, I start to make lunch late every day, I rush to eat and get to work, and then I get home and sit on the computer, and sleep. Every damn day. My creative workspace is 1.5ft by 1ft. I slack on the laundry. I constantly make to do lists of chores that I’ll put off even if I write them down. I live in a beautiful home, with an amazing husband, and awesome animals, but I drag myself through every day, wallowing in a pool of jealousy for successful creative people on pinterest who have that ‘ideal’ life and always have new ideas to change their homes and lives for the better. I wish I could do that. I want to do home DIY ideas. I don’t know HOW they do it. They must have a lot of money or something, I can barely even afford felt for ONE hobby. I want to have an Etsy shop, or do freelance design, or something. I want people to think I’m successful.
You’re not alone.
This past month I had….maybe 2 days of awesomeness. I can only remember 1 specifically.
Just adding this to the pile: I feel unsuccessful close to 99% of the time, even though I’m just about to complete my masters’ degree (in philosophy, in case you thought it was something useful 😉 ) while keeping a steady job. Some people would tell you that was a thing to be proud of, but those people all buy houses at 25 and don’t prefer a stab in the face to clothes shopping and actually have a drivers’ licence before they are 32.
But when I feel bad about those things I try to have a serious conversation with myself and try to ask myself whether those things would make me happy, and the answer is: hell no! I hate cars. I hate being tied down to grown up responsibilities like buying a house. I like my entry level customer service job (I kid you not!) and would die of stress if my job was anything more serious. This all may not be high school reunion material (which is why I would never go there), but it’s my life and I’ve chosen it all. That helps. Plus: the people who love me and whom I love? They’re exactly the same. My best friend who does have a drivers’ licence used to drive around with a broken speed-o-meter just guessing how fast she was going. They are all awesome. Thanks for making me write this, it’s making me feel good 🙂 I’m hugging you through the internet now. Bye 😀
I feel like that a lot. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I only feel successful a few days a month, and the rest of the time I feel like I’m hanging on for dear life! I feel worst when my husband and family wants something from me that I’m not capable of giving like going on fun adventures or taking on huge projects or having more kids. I feel best after I melt into a puddle of tears, give up after months of trying, and hand my big ugly mess over to God to unravel because I.JUST.CAN’T.ANYMORE. Only after breaking down and giving up control to God do I feel true peace, but I can’t do it easily. I’m not some religious ass, I swear. Just a girl who can’t handle life without leaning on her heavenly father. I also keep going back to this to feel better over and over and over: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/job-rebuked-in-suffering
Oh honey, you are so normal it’s scary! Those “shiny, pretty people” are mostly living a lie, their marriages are miserable and their kids grow up hating them. They drown their apathy over their lives in alcohol, cheat on their spouses and their taxes, and they wouldn’t know reality if it came up and bit them on the butt!
3 or 4 days a month feeling like you’ve got a handle on things sounds about right to me. There are way too many days that all I accomplish is that the animals got fed (I raise sheep and have a flock of chickens too), and the only reason that happens is because I have a couple of ewes that stand out there and scream if I’m late with their dinner. I have boxes that haven’t been unpacked since I moved to Oregon in 1992, and haven’t even been touched since I moved into this house 16 years ago! I am lucky that my electric company calls to remind me that my payment is past due, otherwise it would be shut off on a regular basis.
Anyone who doesn’t feel like a failure at least part of the time is a liar.
It’s not just you. That’s everyone. I have no mental illnesses or issues and you still accurately described my life 🙂
Your talent – 24/7/365 – is telling the truth. Flaying everyday life. Evicerating and vivisectioning it for the benefit of others, so they can heal and learn with you. It leaves you raw and exposed, more than you ever dreamed.
Comparing yourself to others is a waste of your LIFE — not time. And that’s worse.
All that matters? At the end of the day…Hailey and Victor and the rest of your family respect and love and like you. That’s all you need to know.
Don’t forget to breathe.
I was going to leave this long ass post about just getting through day by day in my perspective but with aprox. 3000 comments that’s not going to happen so i just want to say, we live day by day. some of us do what we love and some of us don’t but it’s the inbetween times that counts. This maybe emotional or work related but we all make do for the better purpose of thinking there is someting out there to not only live for, but to strive towards. My personal hope would be retire on an a beach somewhere warm. Others might have a different view.
There’s lots of things I could say, but mostly it can be summed up as: other than having a best-selling book and a hilarious celebrity-traveled blog, I can totally relate. Also, I don’t think most (any?) of my friends know just how much I relate to your insecurities, while your entire audience is allowed these glimpses — and is that for the better? or worse? No idea! It’s different. But relatable. And thank you for *that*.
–a single non-parent guy in his early 30s (and I can only imagine how much crazier it is when you’ve got *another* little life to worry about besides your own!)
So, I totally get your post. 3-4 days a month seems good actually. Many days I don’t necessarily feel “bad” just totally like I am there but got nothing done of great consequence (save using up utilities like TV, the Internet, water, eating and drinking enough water to not fall apart.) Some days the seeming blah of it all really just hits me hard and I think– I am so staying in bed today, which at least is productive resting. But no, my dogs need food (how totally like them) and my spouse pulls me up and dresses me enough to send me on my zombie like drive to work, where they claim I make a difference daily. I have yet to feel like daily I make that difference, but you know I teach middle school. If anything can make you question your ability to be productive (much less why one would want to be productive and successful at much) middle school kids in school are masters at it.
So I think your doing good. I mainly wonder if I will be as good often having 3-4 a month, cause some months I don’t get that even. But you know, such is life.
You just described my son. He’s 21 has Aspergers, anxiety & ocd. I read your post to him and played you theme song he loved it…totally related. If you took a poll 80% of people would relate to what you’re saying. Best advice I can give you is never judge your insides with peoples outsides! The proof of this is when you see people who appear to have everything right in their lives; divorce, suicide, form addictions etc. & there’s plenty of people who are far from perfect shiny people who are happy and content. There’s no magic formula, except to be accepting of who you are. Best of luck, Kelly
I tweeted this but had to chop it off because it was too long. I did therapy, too, for a lot of the same things as you’ve experienced, too. In 20 years of therapy there are some gems that really hit home with me, that made a difference in how I think. One of those things is that I felt like everyone got an instruction book with their lives but I didn’t; otherwise how could they instinctively know what was the right move at the right time, etc. It looked so effortless and frustrated the hell out of me! Someone once said “Don’t compare your inside with anyone else’s outside. You’ll always lose because you never know what kind of hell they’re living through behind that smile, unless they tell you…and they never will”.
Even now that I no longer am in treatment I still use this tip. It saves me a lot of anguish when I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right or I am “less than” someone else or someone else’s effort. Hang in there, babes!
Cheri
My very successful, beautiful, and accomplished sister-in-law blogged about this a few weeks ago…she was getting a lot of “Wow, you’re amazing, what a Supermom” comments and she basically wrote that we tend to only show our best selves to the world, and that everyone is struggling. Behind all of those “perfect” women are homes full of clutter, homes where parents get frustrated and yell, homes that run out of laundry detergent. We can’t compare ourselves to others, that ‘ole “everyone is fighting their own battles” cliche became a cliche for a reason.
Personally, I feel pretty together. Sometimes I forget to buy toilet paper and I have to stay up waaaay too late on a Sunday night to finish writing my lesson plans because I spent too much time playing Sims2 over the weekend. My R.A. also causes me to have limits on what I can reasonably be expected to accomplish during a day. I HAVE to get up and shower and dress. I HAVE to feed the animals. I HAVE to go to work from 7:00-4:00 every day. I don’t have to organize my shampoo collection or iron all my clothes. Some things just aren’t going to get done. My house will be comfortable and sanitary, but there’s always going to be a pile of books on the coffee table and I’m okay with that.
And sometimes it’s okay if all you did was get out of bed. (Forget where I heard that one, but I like it).
Ok…going to add another voice of support to the anvil chorus here. I understand what you are saying because I have lived in most of those places myself. There are days (and sometimes weeks) that I can barely get out of the recliner…and going out the door is more than I can do. There are days when I can only manage to write one line, or even a single phrase in the daybook I keep. Too much of the time, I feel as if I am moving through cold syrup and my hands are coated with grease, so I can neither move quickly, nor keep from dropping stuff. There are a few days a month when the clouds break, and I can function as well as I ever did…I can type in the daybook, and, a reasonable narrative of the day slips onto the page(s). Although it is difficult, on all those other days, I try to remember that I have won simply by making it through the day with inflicting serious injury or killing myself or anyone else. It is much harder to believe that tomorrow is a new day, and it CAN be better…but it is a goal. Hang in there….
Long-time reader, very infrequent commenter but felt the need to add my two pennies’ worth…
In my humble opinion, a lot of what you’re feeling is just…normal. We build up a picture of what life should be like, based on media, our own fanstasies, what we think other lives are like, and measure ourselves against it. Bound to be an epic fail because none of it’s based on reality. The reality is, most of us are just getting by, some days better than others. It’s maybe tougher for you as you have added complications but hold on to the facts – you love Victor and Hailey. Victor and Hailey love you. You do something that matters to a LOT of people. Not much else matters. Be gentle on yourself.
no clue if you will make it down to this comment, which is probably numbered around #2500.
you know when you fly and the plane door is closing and the flight attendants are starting the preflight briefing? “oxygen masks will drop, blah blah blah?” i look around and very few people, if any, seem to be paying attention. when they tell you that the closest exit door might be behind me, I check. I mentally count how many rows it will take me to the nearest exit, especially if the plane fills up with smoke and i will be counting the seat backs with my hand and remind myself to crawl over the chairs if it gets me there quicker. I am not afraid to fly, and don’t have some exaggerated idea to the dangers of flying. but i have read a lot of NTSB crash reports and know some of the stupid things people do in emergencies.
here is the thing i have come to realize. altho i might be the only one who actually pulls out the brochure from the seat pocket and looks at the IKEA like drawings, and watches with attention the safety briefing i have heard over 50 times, and the other people all give off this attitude of ennui, or arrogance or coolness -as in I AM TOO COOL TO BE CAUGHT WATCHING THAT THING ABOUT HOW TO BLOW UP MY LIFE VEST IF I NEED TO or I AM THE WORLDS MOST EXPERIENCE FLYER AND DONT NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THIS SHIT or PLEASE, BITCH, I AM NOT STUPID AND DONT NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME HOW TO GET OFF A FUCKING PLANE. I have realized that they are all paying attention to some degree. they just *act* like they arent. i watch people on flights, expecially during takeoff and landings and turbulence, and watch people strive to exude the calm bored look. most succeed. and guess what? so do i. I look just as stoic, or bored or disinterested.
its like sitting at a stop light and you look over at the car next to you and see someone who looks like they got their shit together. you cant imagine that they havent had the oil changed in their car in 11k miles. or that in the back of their car are beach toys and its February. I guess my point is-you cant tell what other people are doing or not doing. we know its not a competition, but when you fall down, i think its normal to think everyone is doing everything better, quicker, more. and its a lie.
you said you didnt want us to tell you all the things we think u do great. but i looked at your study and thought, shit, i have boxes in mine i havent opened in 12 yrs. yes 12 yrs since my last move. and they need to just be thrown out.
if i had a point i guess it would be that most of us look at others and think the other person has got their shit together and we wonder why we cant get our lives to be like theirs. yet even the most successful seem to be always striving for more. the only people i have ever seen who seem to believe that they have it all down and got it correct and better than everyone else, are those nut jobs who volunteer for “Wife Swap.” And those people are just wackos.
Let me be the nearly 2500th person to assure you that yes, almost all of us feel that way. And many, many people who are not mostly ego also frequently feel like they’ve faked their way into whatever success they enjoy.
3 to 5 days out of the month that you feel like you’ve done better than just exist? Hell yeah that’s a good month.
I think all the “perfect” people you see have cracks that they are just really good at hiding, I don’t think anyone is perfect, everyone has flaws its just how you deal with them, if you let them run your life.
I spent 6 years after I left school unemployed and on a benefit (at the time it wasn’t hard to get one in New Zealand), I didn’t accomplish anything in that 6 years, I kept sane by using chat services on the net, I felt I had accomplished something if I had gone out for a bike ride that week! I look back at this time in my life and feel I failed myself, but its the past and I try to move on.
I now have a wife, a daughter, a house and recently found out we have another little one on the way, these days I feel like I have accomplished something when I’ve had a busy week at work, spent time with the family and visited friends and family in the weekend and still managed to wash the car or mow the lawn (which is very rarely), accomplishment should be measured against yourself and what you can do, it shouldn’t be measured against what other people can do because they are not you!
Think about what you can do and feel good for the small things, you got out of bed in the morning, AWESOME!!!
I used to be one of those shiny happy people. You used to tell me that I was so together and amazing and you didn’t know how I did it all.
I did it by ignoring that voice that told me to slow the fuck down, that just existing is SO OK. And I had a stroke. And then another.
And now, I make damn sure that I have days where brushing my teeth are my biggest accomplishment.
Love ya.
You are not alone. I feel better the older i get, though; by the time I’m 90, i should have a fairly chipper outlook. The fact that this is your 2,496th comment tells me you are a success (plus the fact that I give a copy of your book to people I know are sad because it will make them feel better, and what could be a better measure of success than making people feel better?). By the way, I’ve got a few boxes that I haven’t unpacked for well nigh 25 years.
just ran across this, maybe it would help you. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/mandisas-overcomer-music-video-world-premiere-20163459
When I brought this up in my therapy sessions a year ago my therapy asked me what it is that I’m doing on those few days that I do feel successful, why those things give me that feeling, and how do I incorporate that into my life for just one more day each month? Once I’ve managed one more day, try for one more, then one more. Don’t look at the big picture, look at the smaller one. Then it seems less overwhelming.
Also, unlike many people’s advice, she doesn’t tell me not to compare myself to others. She asks what they are doing that makes me see them as successful, and why can’t I do those things? I discovered that I didn’t want to do what they do, I just want to feel how they feel. Then I could stop measuring my success against theirs because I don’t want to live their life. I want to live my own. I just need to figure out what that means.
I’m no expert and I don’t pretend to know what I’m talking about, but I do hope that somewhere in these many comments you find the answers your looking for. Although, I expect the answers are going to be found somewhere in yourself. And if nothing else, know that you did a good thing for all these people who know exactly the feelings you described.
Jenny ~
I think, to a some degree, it is you. But as you have read from many of these posts, you are not alone in your struggle. I would encourage you to remember that FB, TV, movies – they are rarely real reflections of an actual person/life. And Pintrest?? I always think that the women with the perfect place settings are devoting their time to their tables rather than save their loveless marriages. It is the human condition to want to outshine everyone, so we hide our crap in the back where we are the only ones who will trip over it. I do think that part of this is your mental issues (*sympathy*) but you should try to redefine success in your life. If at night you can recognize that you made it to the bank and your girl still had all her digits when she went to bed – success. The daily grind is what makes a life – not sexy or exciting but true; when you string those bits of minutia together it becomes the thing you look back on, hopefully, with fond memories. I know that’s hard for you to see. I have been reading the blog for several years now and I have found it entertaining and thought provoking. Sometimes I burst into inappropriately loud laughter in public places. (I still giggle over the zombie fighting table!) I only wish that I could give you some support to compensate for all the good you’ve provide me. If you’re ever in Southern California, look me up – I’ll take you to lunch. And those PTA women? Screw those bitches.
Some people are going at cleaning, some are good at organizing, some people are mechanically inclined, some have well-dressed children, some people have nice teeth. But creative people have something everyone would like to have and you cannot buy. Yours is a unique voice in the world. Say it loud, say it proud, say it often, “I am fucking awesome!” You make me laugh out loud every time I read this blog. Say it again, seriously. Say “I am fucking awesome”. Say it until you mean it.
It’s not you, I think that’s how most people feel, well, I’ve been told that. We don’t talk about it on Facebook, though, because we want to seem like we wash our hair and brush our teeth every day. We want to seem like our kid is happy all the time. A lot of articles have been written about this, though, about how Facebook (and other social media) can worsen depression, etc. Because we only see how great everyone’s life is, and it’s usually a lie. No one wants to think about or remember the shitty parts of the day.
I have a huge problem with calling people, I don’t know if it’s a social anxiety or what, but I moved away from my family and friends and it stresses me out to call them. I know that they want to hear about how my life is going. But I have to think really hard of what to tell them. Almost every day, I go to work, I come home, I eat, I go to bed. I get up late if I work the closing shift or I go to bed early if I work the opening shift. And I don’t think people believe that I’m really not doing much else, other than hanging out on the internets. Right now, I can blame pregnancy for my laziness, but that’s only for a little while. I don’t know how I’m going to raise a child and pretend like my life is put together.
I don’t know if it’ll add pressure, because I don’t want it to, but you’re one of my idols. Even though I know you struggle, and maybe because of this, I think you’re one of the strongest women out there. I think you’re brilliant and funny, and amazing. And not in a creepy stalker way. I just think you’re fantastic, even with mental illnesses. You’re fantastic.
A lot of the time I physically do the human stuff required, but I don’t feel it.
I only really have the physical illness to deal with(obviously pain hurts and that trashes your head!) so getting and staying upright is a major achievement…strange though that having a crappily working body all my life, makes tiredness and motivation issues normal, so I have slowly found strategies to get round it.
One is this : if you are feeling really bad, then do one of those horrible things you have be avoiding doing- for me probably cleaning the oven or tidying one of those cupboards that the door falls off the hinges each time you try to close it because it is too full, for you maybe open those dusty 2 moves ago boxes: the way I see it, do a sh!tty job when you feel sh!tty, then you won’t waste a day when you feel good having to do it!
Or play solitaire on the computer- at least I win about a quarter of the time and there is nothing to tidy up afterwards
I almost never read blogs, let alone comment on them, but this one struck a chord.
I feel the exact same way at times. The part about not wanting to hear a litany of reasons why you’re great from others really resonated with me; I get that constantly and sometimes have a hard time talking with friends about inadequacies and harsh self-judgments.
I worked for years in a job that entailed backpacking throughout the Uinta mountain range, guided whitewater rafting trips in Alaska, backcountry skiing trips across Patagonia and the west coast, and canyoneering adventures in the Utah desert. I work on a farm and teach yoga. I collect books and art. I go to Burning Man every year. I have voracious curiosity and damn good track record on follow through.
I only mention all this blah blah blah because it’s what others do with such ready defense any time I get down on myself for feeling like I’m absolutely sucking at life. I realize I’ve done a lot and am a pretty wonderful person (whatever that means) but sometimes I can’t hear it.
Sometimes I get to a place where it’s like it’s never enough: it will never be enough compared to the endless unfathomable enormity of what could have been and never was. All the projects that never came to fruition. All the phone calls I should have made but was too damn tired to make. Dates I never followed through on, parties I didn’t attend, cookies I didn’t bake. Should journal more, read more, give more of a shit about my hair, keep in touch with my brother, cook that souffle right next time, hike/bike/climb/run/ski harder, better and faster, always surprise yourself. I exhaust myself more than anyone or anything else ever could. I cower upon a raft of stacked accomplishments as the thunderous, rolling immensity of my own expectation crashes continuously down upon me. Compliments schmompliments.
I eventually snap out of my funk and get back into the rhythm of things and await my next late-twenties-existential-crisis flare-up. I’d say I spend about 5-10 days a month feeling as though I’m kickin ass and takin names. The rest of the time I’m kinda on autopilot or wondering if I’m making the right choices or wasting my life away. Maybe that never really goes away. Maybe I should just never again watch 5 back-to-back episodes of Doctor Who.
Anyway, wanted to thank you so much for the blog post. Really big fan of your style. Beautiful, with a lot of heart and just a pinch of sass. I’ll be coming back.
“Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in. ”
Leonard Cohen
“Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in. ”
Leonard Cohen
Thank you for this post and to everyone who has commented. I’ve just started meds as I’m struggling with some major anxiety. My partner is depressed and out of work so I need to keep my job (I want to keep it too as I usually love it). Everything is just overwhelming me at the moment and I feel like I’m failing pretty badly. But I know our brains are lying to both me and my partner and I know we’ll get through it.
It’s not just you, I think most women feel this way. I don’t have depressions, anxeity, or ADD. I am a perfectly normal , middle class mom with 2 kids and a part time job. I can NEVER get all the things done I need to in the day. There is just not enough time in the day. So , I feel like I fail at life almost everyday. I feel like I should be able to get everything done, but I can’t. YOu are not alone, we are not alone.
Pinterest makes me feel like I’m failing at life-or too old to understand what’s going on (I’m 51) My house is always halfway done. I’ll clean up one room manically-and dump all the crap from there in another room…it never gets finished as much as I dream about having an organised, lovely home. This probably sounds insane but sometimes I have panic attacks thinking ‘what if I died today?OMG all the shit my family would have to clear up.I HAVE to fix it tomorrow!’…and then tomorrow comes and I’m alive and it doesn’t seem quite so important.but it’s always there in the back of my mind…and my mother’s voice going ‘you never finish anything!’…To some degree she’s right.I think I don’t on purpose like a rebellious 13 yr old. So much of life is unfinished though and I’ve learnt like the saying goes, that life is messy.when my son was about 8 or 9, I was a single mom, cleaning houses and doing whatever I could to keep us afloat and send him to a good school..I used to be so envious of these perfectly coiffed moms in their SUV’s all dressed beautifully-and all coldly ignorning me because I so obviously wasnt one of them.These days I look back at that and think thank god I wasn’t-and never will be.I have a big heart.My son was so well loved even when we were poor-and is still loved now when we’re not.But I never became one of those perfect women and have no desire to now.Some days are just shit…but my only advice to you is-don’t compare yourself to anyone.All it does is make you feel bad and despite their appearances-everyone is flawed…and that’s our common humanity and what I love about all of us.Pretty sure I rambled here and made no sense..just…*hugs*. You are doing the best you can and from here?That looks pretty good. Much love xox
It’s not just you. I don’t suffer from any mental illness, as far as I know anyway. However I, too, feel overwhelmed by parenthood, husbandhood, and being a home owner sometimes.
I’m 42 and just the other day I was at a meeting with lots of other parents. I sat there, looked around the room, and said to myself “Wow, it feels weird being the only kid among all these grown-ups. Uh…wait a second”.
I also, often, feel like everyone else has their shit together – but just as often realize that this is only a ruse, at least 90% of them are living in denial or just putting up a facade of success.
I used to feel like a really shitty parent too, my son had a period when he screamed a lot and that resulted in me screaming back. I never, never, hit him but sometimes felt that screaming at him was just as bad.
So, what do I do? Well, I don’t work as much as I used to. I only work 80% of a full day which means I drop the kids off at preschool and school every day and pick them up in the afternoon (on my moped, which is a lot of fun). I cook for them, I clean their clothes and dishes and try to be there for them as much as I can. I just make them, and my wife, my priority. Because I love them and want them to be happy and have a father that’s there and around, like my father wasn’t. My wife also works 80% these days and is much happier also.
I just think people are too focused on being “successful”. I have a friend who is the definition of successful. He owns a ginormous house, fabulous cars and makes loads of money. But, everytime I see him he’s envious of how little (none) travel I do and how much time I have to spend with my kids and wife.
I guess – ask yourself what kind of success you really, really, want and then do what you can to achieve it?
If this means less writing for you, or less blogging, so be it. We would all miss you but we also all just want you to have a happy, stressless, life. Trust me.
All the best!
And I always thought I wasn’t normal. I’ts nice to know that when I have those blah days (many, many days) that I am still imperfectly normal.
Everyone has pretty much said everything, but I will add that even the shiny people with the ironed, folded napkins and the lovely picnics feel shit a lot of the time. We are all struggling, some just more than others. I’m struggling with this comment right now! Seriously, I know the feeling of being told I’m great at something. I actually feel my brain close down. Cannot compute. No understanding. A fog rolls in until the moment is over. Then I can get back to telling myself what a loser I am. Damn those positive, complimentary people! They really confuse things.
Oh my gosh, I am 100% exactly the same. Three or four days a month sounds like a LOT to me! It’s reassuring to know that I’m in good company.
I never feel as if I’ve accomplished as much in the day as I could or should have, but I don’t feel like I’ve failed (most of the time). Honestly I have a small set of goals for each day that I work really hard to accomplish and if I complete them then I did okay.
I relate to this absolutely, truly, deeply and in ways I cannot name. I am so grateful to you that you are able to articulate this scary truthful stuff that can be so hard to find words for. Your courage in sharing your truth is a kind of success that can’t be measured in today’s world. What matters is your courage to start the conversation.
No, you are not alone.
And if your courage, honesty and humanity are not considered success in society’s fucked up terms – then just remember that many of the great artists and geniuses of the past were not considered successful during their lifetime.
And to answer your question – no, you are not alone in your suffering and I wish terribly that that helped.
And yes – I know it can be very hard not to feel alone no matter how successful or otherwise you may be.
May your words hold your hand when you feel this way and may you continue to share them with us – as a way of holding our hands when we too are suffering this condition called ‘being human’.
Much love, Cindy
Three or four good days a month is more than I have had in years, and I don’t have depression, I’m just lazy shiftless layabout.
Or something. I dunno. That was supposed to be something that made you feel better because you’re not alone but it kinda came out wrong.
Whatever, I think the travelling red dress thing was more than the vast majority of people ever accomplish in their life so you’re playing with house money as far as I am concerned.
Three or four good days a month is more than I have had in years, and I don’t have depression, I’m just lazy shiftless layabout.
Or something. I dunno. That was supposed to be something that made you feel better because you’re not alone but it kinda came out wrong.
Whatever, I think the travelling red dress thing was more than the vast majority of people ever accomplish in their life so you’re playing with house money as far as I am concerned.
I have my masters in art and I’m a waitress. Graduated in 2008 and have a full studio. I drink and I feel no urgency to do anything . I can’t plan trips, hell, I’m getting married and can’t plan that. I feel useless. I’m good at so many things but whAts the point? I’m sitting in the emergency room with my fiancé bc he broke his thumb slamming his beer when I asked him to maybe listen to my day. Again useless. I’m the only one who cleans the house which is rare but I can’t stand if anymore. Am I failing? I love him and I’m so happy being complacent… Most of the time. I’m a strong but lazy woman. I guess it’s my fault. I dunno, sorry. You are an inspiration.
What helps in my opinion:
– Doing something nice for somebody else. Write a postcard. Make Hailey giggle. Make somebody an unexpected compliment.
– Going to work. I don’t think you’ll want a dayjob again, but seriously, it takes some pressure off from you as a person. You go in, do some work, go out again and have the rest of the day _off_ because your work is done. It would be difficult for me to be working from home and not have the border between paid work and everything else.
> if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt
_That_ you let us see the cracks and how you do that is your strength and helps so many. That you let us see how you often struggle and still get out of bed most days. That you carry the weight of your physical pain and your demons and still have the strength to kick and scream and sometimes make fun of them.
I hope it will get easier for you.
If you only knew that almost every female feels that way. It is not related to your depression or anxiety (and I applaud you for recognizing it and trying to to work on it) but it is a universal syndrome among women. Sheryl Sandberg in her book Lean In tackles this topic in depth and provides insights as to why we feel like we are a fraud and any minute now someone will uncover who we REALLY are. Women give themselves a lot less credit that they deserve and its partly due to
@ Eileen, post 2510
“broke his thumb slamming his beer when I asked him to maybe listen to my day.”
Don’t marry him!
If you only knew that almost every female feels that way – a universal syndrome among women that leaves them less confident and almost always seeking permission. Sheryl Sandberg in her book Lean In tackles this topic in depth and provides insights as to why we feel like we are a fraud and any minute now someone will uncover who we REALLY are. Women give themselves a lot less credit than they deserve and its partly due to social stigmas that we grew up with in addition to all the subliminal messages we get exposed to that tell us how we should behave and where we stand as women. I am still reading the book and really enjoying it. Hope you would get to a point where you would no longer feel like a fake and proudly believe that you deserve all the credit you are given. At least I hope I can get to that.
So, this post has been up two hours and there’s already over 2500 comments, so I doubt anyone will ever even see this..but I read this post and just cried and cried. This is my every day. I feel like a success if I got out of bed today. I am an extra success if I did something like the dishes or the laundry (this means load the machines, not put it away…I can’t do both in one day). I had a business that failed and after that I decided to go back to school but I can’t even convince myself to go to online classes, so ill probably fail. I just don’t know what to do. I have a couple of classes I’m actually supposed to show up to but I have such panic attacks that I hardly ever go. God, i can hardly breathe just thinking about it. I have no idea what to fucking do. I’ve been in and out of therapy my whole life but mostly it doesn’t work because they tell me in crazy when I change my hair color or that I’m just a bad person and so then I just don’t show up to therapy either. I’ve tried dozens of pills and nothing works and all I want to do is just stay in bed, so most days that’s what I do.
But then, that’s not much of a life, is it. I’m broke and my hairs falling out and I never sleep because all I do is think and I just… I don’t know what to do. I don’t really know why I’m even writing this other than at least I’m not the only one who’s a mess.
So, when I opened this post, it was already at 2,510 comments, so this is probably just going to be like peeing into the ocean, but I just want to say: It’s TOTALLY normal. I’m a happy person, I’ve had my share of triumphs and failures in life, I’ve had plenty of days where I think I’m totally winning, and plenty of days where I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. The ratio of days in which I feel truly successful to days I don’t is pretty much exactly equal to yours.
But here’s the thing that keeps me a happy person: I don’t dwell on this question. I check in every once in awhile, but I don’t sit in it like it’s a waiting room to some bigger answer about who I am. I get out of my own head by doing for others. I don’t mean to get all Mother Theresa or sound holier than thou, because it’s not about that. Service is my non-altruistic antidote to self-pity. If I’m busy giving to someone else, I don’t have time to think about what I may or may not lack. And having done something that makes someone else smile? Makes me feel better about myself too. Win-win.
I don’t know if this works for everyone. And TRULY, I’m not saying this to say what a wonderful person I am, because I’m flawed just like everyone else. But this works for me. Love is an incredible gift, especially the more you give it out.
It’s most definetely NOT just you! I see you have lots of comments from people who can relate to your anxiety and depression. I’m lucky enough to not have any problem like that, but I still feel anxious and depressed about how crap I am compared to others, though! So here are some of my thoughts; long, rambling and honest as can be 🙂
Obviously I don’t know how the Perfect People feel (I categorize myself as a Non-Perfect), but I think most people go around thinking everyone else has their shit much more together than them. I usually don’t think I deserve whatever compliments I might get, in my head I just say something like “no, you’re wrong, stop patronizing me, that’s no better than what anyone else could do and we both know it. That meal I just served guests? Sure, it tasted good, but it was too simple, I timed it wrong, others do fancy roast dinners etc”. I’ve started working out three times a week (I’m really unfit), and whenever my boyfriend says he think’s I’m doing well I just say or think “No, I’m not good yet, don’t say that. I WILL be good though, when I’m thinner and as fit as all the Perfect People”. Even though I know that if an unfit friend of mine started working out I’d call them all kinds of good and fantastic.
For all I know, some may see me as a Perfect People. I have a great boyfriend and a beautiful son, we live in a house in the middle of the woods with hens and dogs and cats and rabbits and guineapigs and homegrown tomatoes and OH the idyll of it all! I have pink plastic picnic-cutlery. I’ve even remembered to use the pink cutlery for picnics – twice! I have many friends. We have enough money to buy fun stuff we don’t need. We don’t have any illnesses. I’ve gotten really good at not running out of toiletpaper.
However, I focus on the failure side of me and compare to others.
I sometimes serve my child ready-made stuff from the store instead of making everything from scratch (“sure, the kid gets healthy meals 99% of the time, but let’s focus on the few times you don’t make it yourself, BAD MUM!”).
I haven’t got a job yet (“sure, you just finished a degree, but so what, that’s no big deal – let’s not try and make THAT into an achievement, you lazy stupid cow!”).
Other people can run a 10K without struggling – I can run for 5 minutes and then I’m close to death (“sure, so since you started you can run further and faster each week, but let’s not give you any credit for actually getting of the couch and trying to get fit, lardass!”).
All these friends of mine? I never talk to them, I’m no good at keeping in touch. If it hadn’t been for facebook I wouldn’t know what anyone was up to. (“Why would anyone want to call you when you never make the effort, you lazy, antisocial cow!”)
I’m hopeless, useless, lazy, fat, noone will ever hire me, I should be forever grateful that I found some poor sucker who seems to not see how useless I am (“but he’s bond to notice someday that you’re not worthy, and then you’ll be alone!”)
I have no picnic-basket. (“Ooh, so you have picnic-cutlery, big deal! The Perfect People have cutlery AND baskets. You can never get anything right, you’ll never fit in!”)
I don’t really know how we can change this thoroughly STUPID way of seeing ourselves. Or make the horrible voice in our heads shut up. One thing I try to remember is that whenever I post a picture on facebook that makes my life look picture-perfect, I’ve usually got 20 more pictures where the truth shows. With the screaming, tantrum-throwing child, the arguing boyfriend, the picnic that ended up in front of our own house because everything else was a hassle or because I suddenly didn’t want to go because I feel like a failure. Just think, if it took ME 21 pictures to find one where life looks good enough to show the world then I can only imagine the editing that goes on behind everyone else’s facebook-updates. Or look at it the other way, if I have 20 failure-pictures for my 1 perfect-picture, then those people who post a hundred perfect pictures must have 2000 failure-pictures. Suddenly my 20 don’t seem to bad…
Hope your 3-4 days become closer to 20-30 someday soon, I’m certain you deserve them!
I say this is right on. I often worry that I’m a failure because I can’t even seem to regulate simple things like my sleep, eating, or showering on any kind of schedule like a normal person or function “successfully” every day. But any kind of person to person comparison seems to do nothing but make me miserable, so I’m trying to avoid it. I try to have 1 thing lists every day, and if that one thing is just taking a shower then I’m a success in my mind. I like to think all those people I see that seem pretty perfect are also a complete mess like myself but just in some way that is invisible to me right then.
I feel like I know what I’m doing probably 1 or 2 days a month..or I leave work thinking I’ve achieved something 1 or 2 days a month. Most of the time what I have achieved is making someone look stupid, and me winning the argument. So inherently it doesn’t really make you feel that good really.
on paper I reckon i would be one of them shiny pastel people you write about, I work in investment banking, I’ve lived in 4 countries, I’ve got double degrees, my career is going well enough for me to be shipped around the world to new exciting roles, I earn far more money that I probably think I deserve considering it’s not like I’m saving life’s like a nurse or a doctor or something.
I still feel like I have know idea what I’m doing, or where I’m going.
I think the fact that my napkins are ironed, and my hair is washed and my house is cleaned bi-weekly by someone else, and I never mess it up cause I’m never there….are helping with the fact that I spend most of time thinking that I’m just not really that good.
I wish I could say something more helpful….but I’ve been seriously struggling with this myself. I think we all feel this though. A big part of my problem, I think, is that my parents were very good at sheltering us from certain aspects of adult life that were so difficult…so I assumed that THEY had it together, only to hear fairly recently that they struggled a lot, and many of my childhood illusions have been shattered. Maybe I would have a healthier perspective if I had been shown, as a kid, that we are all human, we all have hard days, we all have trouble believing in ourselves – but we have to keep going anyway, and fake it. Because everyone is. Even though I have a lot of obvious failures in my life, I still have people that see me as fairly put together – one friend even proclaimed that “Not everyone can be so fearless and out there as you!”. Which really took me by surprise, because I feel full of fear and my low self esteem days have only multiplied in the last couple years, and instead of dealing with my depression (which keeps changing shape and for which I should probably seek help) I’ve just been burying myself in denial and (like the song says) more vampires. A big part of this denial is because I don’t have it nearly as bad as the episodes I experienced when I was younger, or even compared to others with mood disorders/mental illness (it’s in all likelihood something low grade, like dysthymia) – and thus I think I should be able to beat it without help. Which is dumb. I’ve been busily building my inner walls higher instead of tearing them down and letting other people help me, because I’ve become more and more convinced that they won’t once they see me as I really am. At the same time, I pride myself on speaking my mind and not changing for anyone externally and being fiercely me – and this front is so strong that it seems everyone believes it, except me. I still have trouble convincing myself. The only thing that helps with this, really, is to try and force yourself to spend more time around people that really love and support you, and believe that you are amazing…even if you don’t feel like it, even if you have trouble believing it, even if you are convinced they are just saying things to make you feel better. Eventually, the cloud will lift enough for some of their words to get through, and you want them to be there when that happens. You want them to be able to help you when you are finally able to accept help. This is the lesson I am trying to teach myself. It’s really fucking hard. And it hurts, daily. And you, lady, fucking inspire me with your courage. It is courage that I only dream of, that I feel I have only a fraction of, & only w/ the anonymity of the internet, or only when talking about very specific things (everything else stays behind the wall). My most broken parts, I can’t bear yet for others to see. I’m hoping to get there. I’m hoping to keep trying, and let my fierce persona take over a little more each day, because I really do think she will protect me if I let her. The problem is, she isn’t currently reliable – she ducks into hiding, sometimes when I need her most…and I’m just filled with more feelings of disappointment and failure. But then, she runs to the rescue of others – friends and family members and loved ones – that really need her help. She pulls herself together for them, and is sometimes even a hero. For them. I just need to get to where she can do that for me too.
I saw a quote attributed to Mikhail Baryshnikov. I don’t know whether or not he said it, but it is so important to remember. “I never compare myself to other dancers. I only compare myself to myself.” I mean, really, if you only have 2-3 good days each month, then progress would be 4-5 good days next month. Or even just a few more good hours, or moments, per week. It is SO hard not to stare enviously at other people’s shiny lives, but I have learned that the shine is rarely there. There are lots of people that look like they have happy relationships, but are missing terrible fundamentals at home. There are those that rise quickly in their careers, but maybe they secretly hate them. There are plenty of world famous artists that want to destroy certain works of theirs, but no one would let them…or they died before the thing they thought was a piece of shit has now become a sensation. Vivaldi considered The Four Seasons to be pop music, and didn’t think it should (or would) ever be taken seriously. We have no idea what impact we may have. As I say this, I am still trying to convince myself. Just because I have no steady job currently, and never finished college, and don’t drive, and struggle to get myself out of bed sometimes (and other times cry in the closet while the pets stare at me when I should be getting dressed), and never pursued a musical career even though I had the passion for it (if not the talent)…this doesn’t mean I may not have a positive impact on someone else’s life. We all zoom in on our own failures, until that’s all we can see. Loved ones don’t see that. My friends see the fierce persona (we’ll call her my inner drag queen). They see me as someone that doesn’t take shit from anyone. They see the person that always has a snappy comeback, that will fiercely protect her friends and loved ones, that helps the local LGBT community, that chats openly about her non-conventional relationships and life choices (in large part to be supportive of others to make whatever choice is best for them, and also to normalize things that are different). They see the person that survived, and grew, from not being accepted by family members, rather than being completely destroyed by it. They see these things that I think of as surviving, or par for the course, as the good and admirable in me. I still can’t see it, most days…but I think I may get there, someday. On good days, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that’s all you have to do. You don’t have to be at your final destination to feel victorious – hell, you don’t even have to know where that is! – you don’t have to be able to see it. You just have to look up, open your damn eyes, and see that pinpoint of light in the distance. And you have to trust that the train will eventually get you there, so long as you stay on it and keep on the rails. The bumps in the road make us human, and do not mean that we will crash and burn. They are bumps, and they are expected, and your job is to keep moving.
Honestly I think what happens to you happens to most of us, even without mental illnesses or disorders. Problem with modern day life and things like Facebook and pinterest is that we only show to others what we want to show and most of the time we only let people look at our happy picture-perfect moments. One-on-one conversations with people who seem to have the perfect life ALWAYS reveal that everybody has issues and problems and dead bodies hidden in closests everywhere (taxidermied or not). You are not alone. You are doing great and you should just keep on doing things the way you are doing it. Nobody is perfect but you are perfect at being you and people love you for it!
It’s all of us, children spoiled by myths of “happily ever after” forcefed by tv and avertising
Just try to remember this nice quote http://pinterest.com/pin/31877109835899605/
Every day I get home from work and I am in bed. I am exhausted, don’t play with my kids, don’t talk to my husband or walk my dog. All I can do is lie there and think about all the ways I have messed up. If someone tells me great job on something, or that I am such a nice person, I just think, you don’t know me.
What really helped me get through this summer was thinking in hours, not in days. I really didn’t have time for a summer vacation, so I started looking at my time differently. A walk in the park: an hour of vacation. A lazy sunday afternoon: 4 hours of vacation. Cleaning the house: an hour of really kicking ass. Calling the landlord: yay, another 10 minutes of getting things done! Go me!
This way you can feel accomplished for the little things. And at the end of the day, you can say, yeah, I did 4 awesome things today. No matter how small these things are, they’re better than nothing and they do count! So great job taking a shower this morning and go you for going grocery shopping today!!
I don’t believe anyone feels like they nailed life every single day. Most days it’s just about getting from the start to the end with an approximation of the right number of socks and making sure you remember to eat at semi-regular intervals. But then the days you feel like you nail it do really mean something! Those are the special days.
Who’s to say that the perfect pastel moms don’t go home and weep into their beautiful linen cupboards because whilst their towels are in order all they’ve ever wanted to do is write a book, but they never had the motivation or talent or support to do it. It is so so easy to put oneself down when you look at other people and what you think they have…but everyone is complicated and has things that they wish they were better at. The challenge is to remind yourself of this when you start feeling like a failure.
No one is perfect.
(Except cats…they’ve got this shit down – they win every single day.)
I feel this way all the time. Just getting by, having to kick myself to get going. Yet, I am well educated, have a good job and nice income. The house is dusty with dog hair all over the place and it looks like QVC or Amazon came over and threw up in it. I don’t have any answers other than we need more hugs.
I think we all feel like this. I’m good at functioning when other people are around, it’s like putting on a little play and sometimes I even believe it myself, but when I’m all alone the doubt creeps in and I just feel like the most I can accomplish is to roll into a little ball and watch tv all day, while that voice in my head is having a go at me for not doing all the things a “normal person” would do with their day off. The hard part is that I can’t even find a reason for these feelings, when other people describe my life it sounds good, I may not be a hugely successful person but I have a job, house, husband, dog, what do I have to feel bad about? I have quite a few friends who are open about their depression and talk about feeling like this, but when I try to join in and admit I feel the same, I get odd looks and can tell they’re thinking “You? What do you have to be depressed about? Clearly you don’t understand what I’m talking about”. So not only do I feel like a poser when I’m acting normal, I even feel like a poser when I admit that I’m not.
Yeah that’s… that’s totally not just you. I get this in waves – like right now for the last few months I’ve been doing really great, but for almost a year before that (and at various times in my life before THAT) I felt like I was failing at everything. I had this checklist of Things I Should Have Under Control – my job, my social life, keeping my apartment clean, my love life, keeping up with bills and other assorted paperwork or whatever – and every night I’d go through it like, Nope, failed at all of them again. I figured at some point I’d missed the boat on some crazy important life lesson that would have made me not fail at everything and that I’d just never get it right. It happens. I rode it out just doing my best. Depression and mental illnesses lie and the best you can do is just… ride it out. Of course talk about it and get meds or whatever helps, but it still boils down to riding it out. You are definitely not alone.
Also, picnic baskets are stupid. I got one for my birthday one year thinking I’d have super cute perfect Pinterest picnics. I stained the lining on the first trip because the food got all jumbled up inside the basket and stuff leaked everywhere. By the time we set up, everything was soggy. Coolers ftw
After almost 2500 comments, I doubt I’m going to say anything new or profound for you, but here goes. My career is as a pastor of a small congregation, under 150 people. This post will NOT be about how God can help. I just wanted to say that your post hit home in a lot places. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I also suffer from imposter syndrome. I’ve got a person in my congregation who likes to call the church office and ask why I’m not there at 9:30 AM who doesn’t make my life easier. I was encouraged by my therapist to keep a list of tasks that I did each day to boost my confidence that I’m doing a lot. But when I did that, it just made me feel worse be because after an 8 hour day, I had made 2 phone calls. So when one of my confidants tells me “You’re doing way more than the last pastor!” The first thought in my head is, man do I have them duped.
I wanted to share the revelation I had in reading this post which has helped me a lot. We’re both in jobs that require a tremendous amount of thought. We’re thinkers, that’s our work. And that takes tons of energy, particularly for people whose productive thoughts are constantly fighting with the lies of depression. 90% of your work cannot be documented because you can’t possibly write down every thought you have. MY list of accomplishments can’t include “thought about how to balance the relationship dynamics of this church family in order to not have them kill each other.” But that’s what I do for most of my day!
You are an incredibly insightful person. For the love of God, you came up with a word that people are going to use tomorrow and the defined it was nuance! Insight is both a talent and and exercise that requires work and energy. Your job is only tangible 3-4 days a month. But you’re successful many more days than that.
Aristotle in –eesh, can’t remember which work, I read it in college — said that slavery was required in society in order to give philosophers the time to think the deep thoughts necessary to make society a good place. Slavery! Because thinking takes tons of time and energy. Now, I’m not advocating that as a solution, but Aristotle needed MINIONS to come up with his shit! You and I don’t have minions. So our lives look less than pastel, less than pristine, less than perfect, less than tangibly successful. But your thoughts…your insight, even if your blocked a lot from putting them down in writing, (and no wonder if you’re fighting down negative thoughts in your brain, that where your thought-energy is going), your thinking is your success, your treasure, and you’ve got a lot of that.
It’s the small things we do that matter. French fries and chocolate shakes for dinner? That’s 2 food groups, so win. What matters is that the people you interact with feel loved and valued. And at the end of the day you can say you survived another one. You always say Depression lies. Well, So does Pintrest. Keep fighting.
Everyone feels like this sometimes – I know I do, but I don’t have depression and that makes it easier to shut the fuckers in your head up. My husband suffers from depression and struggles with negative self-talk. Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness has helped a bit – at least now he knows how to change the way he talks to himself, even if he doesn’t always remember too. And you know the “perfect people”? My view is that if you scratch the surface you will find chaos and self-loathing. They have just perfected their exterior.
Clearly plenty of people feel the same way. I read somewhere that comparisson is the killer of joy. We’d be much happier if we stopped comparing, though it seems to be human nature to do so.
So I think we must stop comparing, and put our need to succeed (in what ever our own meaning of success is) over and above our fear of failure. That, and surround yourself with people who make you feel good.
I think that if you accomplish the basics of existing that’s pretty fucking awesome. If you happen to fold a load of laundry or pack a semi-reasonable lunch for your kid you are rocking it out. Hell, I posted a photo of my kid’s lunch on Facebook the other day. So yeah, I think MOST people just squeak by each day hoping to accomplish way more than we do. But I’d say, I feel really productive and successful about once a week, on my one day at home on the weekend. But do I feel like I’m a “success?” Not usually. But my kid is happy and thinks I’m awesome (definitely not cool, but still awesome) as I bet Hailey feels about you. And that, my friend, is good enough.
It’s us creative, sensitive, thinky types that feel this way…. I reached the conclusion recently that people have different levels of feeling. Some people can go through life seemingly effortlessly almost obliviously while others (myself included) are so busy thinking and wondering if we are doing “it” right, what are people thinking about me, how can I do it better? Etc etc. We FEEL our pain so acutely that its almost unbearable at times. I also strongly believe that there are very few people in the world that truly have a life that is without burden… Those who look all “I’ve-so-got-my-shit-together-my-hair-is-perfect-and-my-Pinterest-boards-are-so-beautiful-and-color-co-ordinated” are generally just better at hiding their ‘crazy’. You are not alone, and delightfully after reading some of the comments on this thread, I’ve discovered I’m not alone! #winning xx
You know what I realized recently, that its not US, its THEM.
The 1% of fucking over-achievers in the world…and you know EXACTLY who I am talking about, the perfect waify-fucking women that weight 97lbs wet and go to the gym twice a day with three kids at home, that each are involved in 4 extracurricular activities, to which you, waify-bitch, are the leader of each, that drive expensive cars, and live in picture perfect two-story homes, manage full-on careers “in the city”, and still have time to coordinate the evening with friends, the neighborhood christmas party “everyone” is dying to go to, the charity events and volunteer at the fucking homeless shelters.
Its THOSE FUCKERS that make the 99% of the rest of us relate with 100% pinpoint accuracy to exactly how the bloggess feels; like crap, failures, fallen short, because its them that we somehow compare ourselves to. Why? Do we apsire to be THAT waify-bitch? And when we dont even come close, and it becomes crystal clear we only deserve to be sitting crouched in the dark on the floor of the closet.
I understand self-loathing, and the mental illness, totally. But without any real suggestions to help you, all I can say is WE ARE THE MAJORITY and you are in GREAT company, because for all of our failures, collectively we are the better people. Honest and real, under the covers, watching the hours tick by without having done a single task, and endevouring to be even better….maybe tomorrow though, tired, just cant do it today, heehee.
Never reply, but I am a daily reader…hope this made sense.
I’ve been reading your blog for ages, but only just got it together to participate and actually leave a comment – despite how often I feel that you may be my spirit animal.
I have felt the way you describe so often – probably the majority of my life – and I’ve been in the dark hole so often, one where beauty, love and joy don’t help, they just serve to make me feel ugly, hateful and sad.
I’ve been in therapy and on medication. I also stopped therapy and medication. And now, I’m starting again. I’m in a new chapter of my life (I apologise for the cliche – also I am from South Africa so there is an “s” not a “z” in “apologise” here, and even though I love you, I can’t bring myself to spell it with a “z”) and I’m finding myself more open to accepting the good in myself, to accepting the differences in myself and to understanding that some days survival is enough. BUT I’m also learning that those survival days don’t have to be the majority – and that having more days of being able to get up and wash up and dress and do the stuff I choose to do feels awesome.
So before this essay gets completely out of hand, assuming you’ve managed to stick around for what I fear might be a fairly self-indulgent rant, my personal feeling on this is that you are so not alone in feeling this way, but that it can get better.
And as a side thing, when I was really struggling, especially with my anxiety, my boyfriend always used to say, “All you *have* to do, is breathe.”
I hope this isn’t just mindless drivel, and I hope that you can find a more peaceful space soon.
This is 100% me. Thank you for sharing so that I’m reminded to be better at all of that. Looking at your stuff, you are generally even one of those people who looks like their life is together (with funny, quirky stories on off times). CBT is helpful for me, when I actually use it.
I’d tell you that you’re not alone in this thought, that not one person kicks ass every single day (I’m lucky if I feel kick-ass a couple of times each month), that those “perfect” people are only covering up their own feelings of inadequacy, and that you really need to be easier on yourself. However, twenty-five HUNDRED people who adore you already said the same thing. And really, there are just two people whose opinion matter and you know who they are. Happy Friday, you kick-ass mofo.
I’m hugging you with my brain!
I think we’ve pretty firmly established that you are ever-so-much not alone. We’re all hiding under the table with you. Apparently this is a gigantic friggin’ table. What luck!
I love to see the out-pouring of love and understanding that happens on your site all the time about everything (or nothing). This is quite the community, so many voices supporting each other and calling Depression on its bullshit and lies. If nothing else, you’ve created this, and it clearly means a lot to a lot of us, and all you had to do was vent whatever was going on in your mind, good,bad or what-the-hell. So even on the days where you don’t feel like you’re getting anything accomplished, you’ve still got that. The world has gotten both too big and too damn small, and either perspective can be overwhelming. But here we can all stop and breathe, and that’s amazing.
I love this quote from Margaret Atwood: “Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” I feel this way a lot, which is weird when I come to work where I have been entrusted with answering 911 calls and wrangling chaos with a computer, a phone and a radio. I’m a decade into this job and I’m still waiting for someone to say “who the hell let her in here?!” and drag me out. I’m no paragon of sanity and I don’t have all of my shit together, but I have learned that all I have to do is take the problem immediately in front of me and handle it, then do it again. It takes as long as it takes.
Obviously, I ain’t winning very many races. But today has been a pretty good day and that’s about all I can ask. I hope your today is better than your yesterday.
I don’t have any great advice on how to fix things. All I can do is say that I hear you and you matter. Keep talking. We’re listening.
You are not alone!! Check out:
http://wellcommons.com/weblogs/larryvillemom/2013/aug/21/5-ways-were-making-parenting-harder/
If you stripped away the false measurements of Pinterest/Facebook/SuperMom’s doing it all – I think you’d find you are successful more than 3-5 days a month. I bet you are successful 3-5 days a week. Sometimes just having everyone alive at the end of the day has to be good enough!
Here’s my Block Theory of Life:
I find that it really helps me to think of life as being like a tower of blocks. Everything you choose to do represents one block: every child gets a block, a job is a block, being “in shape” by exercising is a block, having an amazing house is a block, being in the PTA would definitely be a block, cooking elaborate meals for your family every night is a block, your marriage is a block, etc. Anything you do that is important and also takes time deserves a whole block. But the key is, you can’t build the tower too high or it will topple. When you add a block, say, by having a baby, or going back to work after being a stay-at-home mom, or choosing to train for a marathon, you have to take a block away. You have to just take it totally away, and not try to do that thing at all. Of course, there are some blocks that you can’t take away – your child, your marriage, but there are lots that you can. The key is to make the decision that you are not going to even try in that area any more, and then it gets rid of any sense of failure over not doing it. For example, do you feel like a failure for not swimming to Cuba, or whatever Diane Nyad just did? No. I don’t either, because I’m not even trying to do that! But I certainly hope she’s not feeling like a failure for not writing a book, like you. Or maintaining this awesome blog, like you. I decided to get rid of “housekeeping” as a block a few years ago, and I love it. I really don’t have any sense of failure (most of the time) that my house is not nicely decorated – I just couldn’t be less interested in it and don’t want to spend any of the little time I have in life bothering with it. If someone cares to judge me for not having matching chairs and picture frames with pictures from this decade in them around the house, and feel better about their own housekeeping skills, that’s their deal, but I could care less.
I feel like all of us deserve to celebrate and be proud of the blocks we choose to have in our lives, whether it’s your house, or your yoga skills, or the clothes you make for your kids, or your career. The women on the PTA are doing something really important, presumably because they are interested in it and enjoy it, and it takes up a lot of their time, and they should be proud of that and deserve to be (unless they are annoying about it, and then they are the worst kind of person, which is one that is purposefully trying to make other people feel bad about themselves, and then I actually also feel sorry for them because they are pathetic).
You should feel a sense of anxiety over the important things you are actually trying to do: write well, be a good parent, have a loving marriage, etc. Those are hard things and if you weren’t anxious about them, that would be a bad sign. But don’t feel bad or anxious over things that aren’t even important to you, whatever those blocks are. Just throw ’em out!!
This is what I love about this kind of honesty – it sheds light on how wrong we all are walking around, feeling like imposters. I mean, I feel this way, and countless others do too from the comments. I’d place my good days at about 5 a month and really, those aren’t full days, just a lot of coffee in the morning. But the real brilliance of your post is that — you’re great, and successful, and clearly a great mom. To think otherwise is clearly a product of a wacky mind, and NOT THE TRUTH. People can tell me that when I’m in a bad place, but I never believe them, until I read something like this and think yeah, I’m kind of making this imposter stuff up, aren’t I? I mean, she’s pretty awesome and she thinks this way most of the time. I know it takes a lot more than a little logic to snap out of it, but hearing it coming from someone like you provides good perspective.
Two of the best pieces of advice I have ever received both come from Joyce Meyer – now, I know allot of people don’t like her, but that doesn’t make what she says complete nonsense.
The first is: question your doubts, your fears and your feelings. Argue with them. Doubt your feelings and fears and anxieties. Don’t allow that to become your truth. And then make a stand on what you will feel. I like that. I can question my anxiety – because, like you, I battle each and every day with anxiety, fear and panic. And I hate it. And I like the fact that I can think I’m doubting something about myself (like whether I’m being a good mom) and question whether those doubts are really true. And then, despite my feelings, I (try) to focus on what is true. Not on what I am feeling. It is hard, so flippin’ hard, it sucks. And I hate it. I want this to come naturally to me, like everybody else who really seems to have it all together. I don’t want to battle to be happy – I want it to be a given. But, its either that (question and doubt my feelings and focus on the truth) or give into the panic and anxiety and fear and allow the wheels to come completely off and then just give up. Because if I go there again, I don’t know if I’ll make it back.
The second thing Joyce Meyer has said that makes perfect sense to me is to face your fear and make your head and your heart stronger. For the longest time, I had no clue what that actually meant. But, slowly I am starting to realise that it means this: I have this fear of eating out in public places in case I have a panic attack (of which I have many, whilst eating). And the only way to really overcome that is to well, actually go out and eat in public places. The longer I seclude myself and just eat at home, the more deeply entrenched the fear becomes and eventually I will never get over it. However, if I face my fear, and start by maybe eating in public places where I feel safe, eventually the message to my brain and chemical reactions in my body is that I am okay. And this is also a process that I hate, because this should just be natural to me, shouldn’t it? I mean really…
But then I remember that I battle with fear, panic and anxiety and realise that what seems to come very naturally to someone else, may not come so to me.
I am so sorry for my lengthy response but I needed to get this out more for me than for you (its not such a good day today 🙁 ), but your post triggered some thoughts that I need clear in my own head. But, in answer to your question, I think we pretty all think we’re stuffing up somewhere along the line, some of us just hide it better than others and some of us (like me) just compound that by adding in a healthy dose of anxiety and panic to the mixture so instead of realising that what we are feeling is normal, we make it really bad and then have to take Paxil because you can’t get out of the funk you’ve created for yourself. Sorry – not you, me…
Long reply – I know. At least you have an amazing sense of humour. Me – you should see how serious my blog is. Imagine trying to combat all this and not be able to laugh about it.
First of all, those people with the pastel lives? They aren’t real. Or at least the version that you’re looking at isn’t. The real version is just as fucked up as the rest of us, maybe in different ways, maybe in similar ways. Those people are just better at hiding it. Or maybe they aren’t any better at hiding it and instead are wishing they could be more like you or the version of you that they perceive.
Second, I don’t ever feel like a successful human. I occasionally feel like I successfully passed as a real human being but I don’t ever really feel like I did humanoid things as they were intended. And even my pseudo-successful days? Do not remotely resemble being an adult human. I’ve been operating under a kind of “fake it til you make it” principle but more and more I feel like I may never make it and I’m not sure my faking it is all that convincing. I feel the closest to maybe being a success at being a real person at the end of the semester when I’ve accomplished just enough to keep from getting yelled at by anyone and I can go hide my head in the sand for a week or two and avoid any necessity of pretending to successfully navigate humanity.
BUT. At the end of the day if I took some time out to do something I enjoyed, something that added value to my life, I care more about that than about being a real person. Or an adult. Because I still don’t know how to do those things but I refuse to let that lack or my feelings of inadequacy take over or diminish the bits of life that make me happy or content — even if being content means that I gave up on any semblance of successful humanity.
Every day I wake up and go to a job I hate. Most days I tell myself that /today/ I’ll work on the projects I want to work on when I get home. Most days I don’t end up doing that. I make barely enough to survive on, and know I need to work on getting a second job. Every payday I promise myself that I’ll be smarter with my money so I’m not out of food before the next payday. I’m surrounded by people who might actually be friends, but who I spend most of my paranoid delusional time thinking are trying hard to ditch me.
I can see, easily, all the things I need to do to change and better my life, but for the most part, I can’t make myself do those things. If I have /one/ day out of the month where I feel like I accomplished something, I’m doing good. Most days I feel like I’m just going through the motions, waiting to wake up 50 years from now, find myself 85. I’m sure I’ll look back and wonder how I failed to accomplish /anything/ at all.
Jenny – You’re not alone. I think most of us who suffer from various forms of depression often look at our lives and see the mounting piles of failures, or even things that aren’t failures but that we see as failures. It’s hard to look at our accomplishments and be proud, or feel good, because our slightly-left-of-center brains won’t allow us to recognize what we do accomplish, and will only focus on the negative.
The most important thing is to remember those two oh-so-important words:
Depression Lies.
Go look at the size of the self-help section at the bookstore. Everyone thinks that they’re failing.
That said, I feel really sorry for you when you talk about anxiety. Constant, days long anxiety was one of the side-effects of one of the ADD meds I tried. That shit isn’t fun.
But forget about it, go outside and sit in the sun. Being depressed in the sun is better than doing it in the dark. And if you don’t get stuff done, so what? Allie Brosh didn’t write a post for almost 2 years and everybody still loves her, warts and all. Also, you just got 2500 comments. Everybody loves you.
I feel like this all the time. I’m a student so am unlucky enough to receive grades that tell me how inadequate I am. Even when I get decent grades I feel like a failure in life: my house isn’t clean enough, I’m not social enough, I’m fat yet cant make the time to exercise, I don’t make time to visit family, I rely too much on my partner, the list just keeps going. I have chronic insomnia I think partly due to my habit of analysing my entire day and where/when each and every one of my mistakes occurred. I feel like it requires an intense amount of effort just to have even a mediocre day.
You are not alone and thank you for having the courage to talk about this. I don’t feel so alone now either
Honestly? I thought that what you were describing about what you achieve is called life. Months can go by without me feeling like I have done something worthy of shouting about. I am capable of filling my time without accomplishing much, and actually I am ok with that. Life isn’t easy. It isn’t meant to be. As long as I can maintain a roof over my head and a small group of people who love me then I am doing enough.
I don’t believe the images of other people’s lives on FB et al, as frankly I think it is advertising, mostly of their own aspirations and projections about where they want their lives to b. And when I know it isn’t I am mostly just happy for them and wish them well, knowing it is their 3 or 4 days a month of shining.
It’s not just you – I’m much the same. Admittedly, I have depression, anxiety and PTSD but my close friends say the same, and they have no diagnosed illnesses. We all compare our inner world to what we see of other people’s outer worlds, and we think that they have their shit so much more together than we do. But they do the same, they’re just as insecure, and they think we have our shit together whilst they’re only pretending to. I think it’s made worse and more tangible by mental illnesses, but I think everyone suffers from these things the same, and it’s just that mental illness makes it a bigger part of our life than it would otherwise be.
Ok, Honesty Time here.
I honestly think that the reason your work is so successful and reaches and touches so many people is because you admit what MOST people feel, even if they fake it better than you do. Because I guarantee if you look under those perfect lives they show on the outside they are all pretty damned messed up on the inside. My mother, who I love, is one of those “perfect pastel world” people. I’ve lived in her shadow and seen the nasty underside of that perfection and all her cracks. And I still love her.
You my dear, are just more open. And MORE honest and you allow all of us to stop holding our breath and laugh and let our pudge hang over our pants and say “Hey, I AM NOT ALL ALONE!! SOMEONE ELSE FEELS THIS WAY TOO. MAYBE I WILL BE OKAY.” That’s a great gift.
But never for a second believe the shiny veneer of perfect people. They don’t have it all together and if they did, think how very boring they must be.
You are fine. Now go hug your kid.
I can relate, and I, too, have anxiety and depression. After years of really excellent therapy and both pharmaceuticals and nutraceuticals (prescribed by an MD), I’m trying something new in mindfulness-based stress reduction. I’ve read a little that suggests it’s one of the few things that really challenges the unremitting negative thinking/voices that I live with. I’m starting an eight-week course on Monday, which requires 45 minutes a day of guided meditation (that apparently you must do every day, even if from under the covers). I’ll try to report back in a couple of months. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it really worked!
Part of this is normal, healthy growing. I am 65. You will not understand yourself or life until you have more mileage. Everyone struggles and searches. You are in the middle of creating a work of art; your life. Don’t dwell on “how” you are doing; think about “what” you are doing. Wisdom and understanding come over time. Take everything in and have faith that it will eventually take shape.
It is not just you.
I struggle to get out of bed on time in the morning. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that I only wash when I know people are coming over, and three-year-old cleaning supplies that I’ve never opened. I have a list of goals, both short-term and long-term, that has things like “eat lunch” on it because it’s the only way I can feel like I’ve accomplished something for the day. And my old housemate manages to do everything, and be the most ridiculously, over-the-top happy person I’ve ever met, and I hate her for it to the point of nausea, but then I feel guilty and like even more of a failure because isn’t that the dream? Isn’t that the ideal?
Days when I actually believe that it’s okay to be “normal” – that I don’t have to compare myself against my old housemate or the magazines or pinterest – those are my successful days. But they are rare.
Hey, I’ve felt this way plenty of times. I work all day and get stuff done and I have a blog and a web series and a website I work on, so I know I’m doing things, but I still feel like I’m accomplishing nothing in life and that I’m just kind of pointless.
I think everyone has that every once in a while. Really, I think everyone should just find something good to cling to (for you, your daughter, possibly) and just use that as the anchor. Not the most uplifting, I guess, but at least you know you’re not at all alone.
I can honestly say that reading the post has made me realize that we all have our struggles, and that no one has a perfect life. We all have things we love about our lives (mostly), and things we would do anything to change, but we can’t. My marriage is over, I’m packing to move back in with my mom, so I can finish grad school, and then I can figure out what I want to do, and then I can start my life. Even with all of that, I’m still happy. I have people who love me, and they will no matter where I live, what I do, or if I’m single, married, have kids, or don’t. Those are the ones I want in my life; who remind me of what I have to be thankful for, and grateful for, and help me find out what is behind the negative thoughts and feelings, and they help me through them.
Jenny, my point to this is simply: let Hailey and Victor love you, when you can’t love yourself. You are there for both of them, and that is what matters. Not the house, yard, cars, PTA, or anything that can be measured. As you can see from the vast number of comments, people love you, truly love you, for who you are, as well as what you say. You are the brave, outspoken person we all wish we could be, so keep up the good work, and know that we love and support you, no matter what!
Oh my god, are you in my brain? I feel the exact same way, but I can’t cuddle under the blankets with my kids because they are 30 and 28 and away being successful in the world. I, too, have depression but am being treated – is depression that the root? I don’t know. I don’t normally compare myself to others; however, I stack my daily activities next to an impossibly high stack in my head. I don’t feel very often that I accomplish anything noteworthy. What I do though, to keep from completely falling apart, is to make a daily list of things that I need to do and want to do, and then cross them off as I complete them. Some times the item is small, like clean the litter box, but crossing each line off as I complete it gives me a mini sense of accomplishment. Many times the item that i want to accomplish rolls over to the next day, but somewhere, somehow I do cross it off.
Is it an addiction to the high of achievement? Is that why we search for accomplishment every day? When we don’t get that high, is that when we feel worthless?
Like so many others, I’m right there with you. 3-4 days tops. Seriously.
I have suffered from PTSD (Father was murdered when I was 14) and anxiety off and on my whole life. I can’t even seem to make the time to keep up with my blog. Something I’ve been wanting to be diligent about for over 10 years. Ugh!
I totally feel you. 100% in the same boat. I try to just be the best me I can be every day, and forgive myself for all my “perceived” shortcomings. /big big hug/
Recently I wrote
“I like the idea of people. I’d like to think that they are generally nice. Good to animals and small children, good to their mates. Those that follow the rules of society. I believe this of my friends (don’t disillusion me, I’m happy this way).
But the ugly truth is that most people are self involved fucktards that don’t deserve trust or respect.
So if you are asking for help from someone, especially if you don’t know them, be nice and say please. If you are helping someone because they are paying you, be nice to them.
Hold open a door, seriously you might at most stand there a min, and give a stranger a complement, you will totally make someone’s day. Tell the people you care about that you love them everyday, and it don’t hurt if you add a hug.”
I try to set no more than one task per day. If I get more done it is a bonus. I’m not good with crowds, I’m usually ok~ish if I take my meds, and I just know that I should be looking for a better life but am so insecure that I can’t bring myself to do it.
I struggle with feeling like a failure both as a parent and a genetic donor (both my kids are considered special needs but at different levels). And I feel I’m just screwing them up beyond repair.
However. I look around and I see other moms screwing up in ways that I’m not and I get to feel a little superior for a bit, and then I see how much my kids do have. There are hugs and kisses everyday. There are limits on video play, homework, and I love to see them covered in dirt in the back yard.
Having read your posts for the last few years, I get the feeling that you have these everyday victories in your life too. Depression is a lying bitch. You are totally right. I can’t tell you how to feel better when you are down, but the glass may be half full or half empty, maybe it is with lemonade or wee. Who knows. Give out some hugs and get some back. One thing a day is still a fruitful day. And if you have to take a step back, just tell yourself you are doing a cha-cha.
BTW, your outlook is really similar to the rest of us here. Don’t be discouraged, we aren’t judging.
Dear Jenny,
It’s definitely not just you. I struggle with PTSD and I’m successful maybe two days a month. I just came from a choral rehearsal in which I met my goal of “not being totally useless”. That’s kick-arse for me. And that’ll probably be the one time this month I can say that.
Thank you for being so honest and real. There is such comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. The most comforting words are “Me too”.
You seem pretty normal to me. Working mom, self-made. Who has time for anything but surviving? I’m the full-time working mom of 20-month-old twins. It’s a good day when everyone has food, clean diapers and feels loved. The rest is just icing on the cake. You know what helped me feel like I was accomplishing something? I made a list every day and stuck it to the fridge. It had things like, “make bottles,” “go to the store,” and “fold laundry.” Whenever I accomplished one of those things, I’d cross it out and feel good about it.
You’re SO not alone. My idea of a successful day is that I got up, ate something, and did grocery shopping. This happens… Almost never, lol. Most of the time I just look at the list of things that need to be done and suddenly have the overwhelming urge to finish my book. Or watch Netflix. Or anything else ever that doesn’t involve me being responsible. To my knowledge, almost everyone is that way. I’ve got a home and a car and a job that I pretend I’m good at, but for the most part I just hide and try and pretend I’m doing things how you’re “supposed to” because everything that has nothing to do with being good and doing all the things is so much more interesting. Oh. And cats. Cats are way more interesting.
Once again you manage to put my feelings into words… I feel like this constantly, I think that I fail at being a grown up and my son will only remember me escaping in my bed with the covers over my head because I flunked life. I watch other people living a functional life and I just want to do it SO badly but for some reason I can’t manage. Thank you for putting words to an unnameable feeling and making me feel like I’m not alone.
I feel like I’m treading water most days. I know other people don’t have it all together and I know that people tend to post their best face on Twitter, Facebook and blogs but I still feel inadequate. I look around and think: how does these other people keep their house so neat, how do people know how to dress so fashionably, how do people cook without starting a fire in their kitchen, how do those other choir directors have their middle school children singing masterpieces and still leave at 5 each day, how is everyone else not broke… and on and on.
It’s not that I have a bad life, but I don’t want to get to the end of it and feel like I treaded water the whole time.
Here’s another great one! You are not alone!!!
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Jenny,
we met in New York, do you remember ? No?? That’s because you’re a loser.
Are you going to read my message and answer in due time even after 2,528 previous messages ? No?? That’s because you’re a slow-reader.
Your wrote: ” Part of this is me. I have depression and anxiety and a number of personality disorders that make it hard for me to see myself correctly.”
And that’s about it. That’s fucking all about it. Besides, you live in a Country and in a State blessed by the Lord, but where anyone is a potential loser since the common sense about winners and losers often is, believe me, absolutely distorted.
So, it’s only a little part of your brain that analyze things, screw them up and then suggests you should’ve done more.
Really, losers are a totally different breed, a completely different kind of person from you.
I am positive you do not believe me. That little fucker part of your head is telling you “that’s bullshit”.
Actually yes, you’re a total loser, but only according to a minor section of your brain.
There’s little I can do from here (a small village in NW Italy). But I’d be more than happy to share with you a picture of my butt, you print it out, then show it to your depression. And do the same with your, beat your depression by exposing your buttock to it.
We love you the way you are and show yourself, we’re many, we can’t be wrong,
Stefano
I think Facebook and social media are the problems. Because instead of talking about the difficulties of life with friends, you are forced to see how everyone else seems to be doing wonderfully well. It’s all a lie, of course, because frankly, who’s going to publicise their failures and anxieties?
By everyone’s standards, I am successful: I am doing a PhD on a full scholarship at one of the best universities of the world in a subject I love. You’d think that not having to give up my dream career and actually being thought of as good enough to be paid for it, when there is so little money in Academia and so much competition, would make me feel good about myself. It does not. I constantly feel that I am not good enough, that whoever picked me must be regretting the decision. I feel constantly surrounded by people more successful and talented than me: one of my office mates works twice as many hours as I do, is a charming person, a wonderful musician and never fails to lend an helping to whoever needs it. Another one has a successful artistic career on the side of her thesis and is in what appears to be a fantastic relationship. When I compare myself to them, I feel like a failure because sometimes the only thing I manage to do in a day is to do the laundry: being good at work, being in a happy relationship, having a hobby and being good at it or sometimes, on really bad days, just being a friendly human, all that seems unattainable and I crumble under the pressure. I drunkenly opened up to friends about it one evening and surprise: they could not believe it. For them, I was the “cool” girl and I felt betrayed that people I considered my friends could not see past the façade. But then everyone started talking, all these people I had assumed were happy and talented and living life to the full every day, well they were as messed up as me and I had not seen either. Anxieties, fear to be inadequate and unloved, they are feeling it all. We have all been handpicked and given buckets of money to do the research that we want to do and we all feel like impostors, we all feel like failures because success in one area usually means that you failed somewhere else and, of course, we are going to focus on the failures: the dinner that got burnt rather than the chapter that got written, the work that did not get done rather than the one that did get done, the dirty kitchen rather than the clean laundry. It was a relief to realise that everyone is messed up. Also, it made me realise that, however crippling these fears and insecurities can feel, ultimately, they are also what make us want to improve. I believe it is a human trait to be dissatisfied: evolution and history tell the stories of people who were dissatisfied with their lot and climbed down trees, discovered fire, sailed across the sea to discover new lands… I pondered on the fact that ALL my friends seemed to be as messed up as me but then I realised that it’s probably because self-satisfied people are insufferable and rather boring: if they think they are good enough, they won’t strive for anything else and they become rather like a pond of stagnant water.
To deal with it, I made a very simple with myself: if the little bad things can depress me so, then the little good had to elate me. It lowers the high expectations you might have about life and everything immediately feel more successful. It does not make the bad moments go away, but it increases the good ones and it makes me feel more balanced at the end of day…
I am the same. Every night I lay awake wishing I was dead. I don’t know why I can’t turn off those thoughts.
And to be honest, I look at other people the same way you do. But its not the pretty shiny people – its people like you, who can express themselves for who they are, who aren’t afraid of what others think, who actually managed to publish in this crazy writing world.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. There are maybe only a couple of days a month I feel like I kicked life’s ass and rocked. It helps me when I make lists of things I have to do – even things like shower, put clothes in hamper, make breakfast. Then I cross them off. I’ll even write down things I did already and cross them off right away. It helps me see that I have gotten stuff done – even if it’s just the stupid every day shit we do to live. Right now my fiance and I are going through a hard time with terminal illness in his mom. Now it feels like I’m not even being a good person and I’m just a fraud at everything cuz nothing matters. Thank you for being so honest and open about your own struggles. It is really helping me to know I’m not along with anxiety and depression.
I have basically stopped using Facebook for this reason. The anxiety of seeing my ‘friends’ (who are mostly high school classmates I don’t care to see again…) portray their perfect lives and kids was crippling me in my REAL life. For the same reason, I will not read their blogs or follow them on Instagram or Pinterest.
I have to constantly remind myself that I can’t do it all. Nor should I. My girls (2 and 3 months) want to spend time with ME. The best thing I can do for them as they figure out this crazy world is to be an example of a woman who is true to herself, not trying to live up to a fake standard that we all feel we’re failing to reach.
By the way, my shower yesterday was the first in 4 days. I’ve fed my family sandwiches for the last 3 nights at dinner. There is currently a huge pile of dirty dishes in my kitchen. And I spent last evening reading with my daughter on the porch instead of cleaning them up.
maybe 7 days out of a month i feel like i have kicked ass. that is an average. i am guessing it is less some months and more other months. lately, it my kick ass days have been few and far between.
Long-time lurker, but.. you’re not alone. My wife and I go through the same exact things, she moreso than me I think most times.
Sometimes it really is day forward, day-and-a-half back.
I don’t have depression or anxiety, and I maybe feel successful 5-7 days a month. The rest of them I barely feel like I’m squeaking by. Its not you, its life.
Love you tender, love you true
When I start to feel like an underachiever I just lower my personal standards. Seriously, most days are not filled with wondrous deeds but every now and then (and I won’t quantify by so many times a month) something makes me realize that I am doing good. Hugging a cat (or being strangled by one) is sometimes the best thing I do in a day.
Many times, after I’ve laughed out loud or found myself with a big old grin on my face after reading your blog, I’ll start to feel like I should be doing more with my life. “How does Jenny keep turning out blogs that are so funny, touching, or thought provoking? Why does my life seem so black and white compared to her colorful, interesting one?” It’s all in the POV, and your grass is definitely green. Your humor and honesty are making a difference to a lot of people, so-o-o BIG SUCCESS!
Hugs (excuse the cat hair).
My dear sweet Jenny. You are so not alone. You are fucking awesome. I share your pain. I send you love and hugs and rainbows and unicorns and spoons. I suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. Invisible illnesses suck balls and unless you experience them yourself then you can’t truly understand. “Normal” healthy people with the very best of intentions can sympathize but they don’t know. NEVER forget that you are doing the very best at every moment with what you have to give. You are loved by an enormous community of people that are just as fucked up as you are and eventually we will take over the world. Here is something I wrote a few weeks ago, on my birthday, fuck depression.
(https://www.facebook.com/notes/kim-karwoski/a-visit-to-the-rabbit-hole/10151907380511833)
A visit to the rabbit hole
August 14, 2013 at 10:31pm
Today I took a trip down the rabbit hole. It was not one I was planning but it was a trip that expected to come to pass very soon. I have been strolling through the forest again. The trees have grown taller since the last time I came this way. The fog has been growing thicker and thicker. And so today I tripped over an ugly branch and poof, down I went. It did not matter to the darkness that today is my birthday. It can’t seem to be bothered that I might have had other plans. Instead it just swallowed me whole like a ghastly beast lerking in the shadows. I knew it was there, that dredded rabbit hole and I have been trying ever so had to tip-toe quietly around it. But the ugly branch got the best of me and down I went. I grabbed for the root of the tree that stands above the dark rabbit hole and clung to it as hard as I could. The root trembled and so did I but it allowed me the footing that I needed to climb out of the hole today. So I reached solid ground and found a soft place to rest and lay still while my mind settled from the exhausting ordeal.
Depression doesn’t care if you have plans or even if its your birthday. It can strike at any time and for little to no reason at all. I find strength in my kin that share in this nightmare and still face this battle bravely and boldly. And to those that i have in my life that stand beside me always.
Dude, you are not the only one. 🙁
I am gonna say I have worked up to 10-14 days a month where I feel superb and its taken a shit ton of work to get there. I know I am better on days when I get more sleep but I hate taking more meds so that is few an far between. My brain races whether I am awake or trying to sleep and that seems to be when I do the most damage to myself. Either recounting the shit things that have happened to me or blaming myself for shit things happening. UGH.
The two things I have done in the last six months that have made the BIGGEST impact in how I feel AND how I see myself will totally sound crazy but for REAL its working and I see it working are going gluten free & guided meditation!
Gluten free-There is a great book called The Plan that really does a good job of explaining how specific things make us feel crappy and it can be different from person to person. Its not just gluten but there are “healthy foods” that can be reactive in our bodies that can create depression, inflammation and a whole bunch of crap that will make you say WTF. Its a pain to start the elimination diet and I am never 100% great at it but it helped me find out there were some things that make me super sick. When I don’t eat them, I feel better than sucky and when I go back to eating them, I want to die. I never thought food would make a difference.
Guided meditations: I suck at trying to meditate on my own. I can’t do it. Then I discovered these guided meditations that Deepak Chopra leads 3-4 times a year for 21 days. They are free to participate and after the 21 days you can buy them if you want to do them more often. They have been life changing. It takes a few days to settle your brain but they are only 15 minutes long, the first 7 or so is him explaining what to do and what the specific thing to meditate on is. I can do 7 minutes of silence after the first three days or so without issue. I do feel like it has made a massive difference in terms of how I feel about myself and my capabilities as a wife, caregiver and parent. I just finished my fourth one in the last 18 months and I usually purchase them and do them again in a month or so. They say its 21 days to create a habit so I hope that means I am rewiring my brain.
For whatever its worth, thats how I am coping. 🙂
First, thank you.
I never feel like I’ve made a success of the day. So zero days a month. But, but, but that’s because I have fleeting moments throughout maybe a dozen days each month where I think — hey, check it, self, I’ve got this going and it’s in the same direction and it’s well maybe, sort of pretty much working out and I think it might even count as not a failure and whoa, check it! — or something along those lines. What my mind is r-e-a-l-l-y good at is identifying the key moments in which to sabotage nascent self-esteem related to any accomplishment (even when I’m all bragging to myself that I just went to the bank because some days, that is totally a success).
The way I see it is that those flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz, the ones that had me screaming in terror from behind the couch as a small child – those guys swoop in to jump on my moments of feeling like I’ve got something, anything going well and they shred that feeling up and carry off the bits like Toto.
So, do I ever feel like a success? Yes. Does it last? Can I build on it? Not so much. But, I can laugh at how absurdly my crazy-lady mind is predictable. It isn’t always enough, but it’s something. Something more than nothing.
Also, Pinterest? Isn’t Pinterest’s success precisely because there are so many of us sitting around with dirty hair procrastinating on our computers? Sometimes, I’m feeling so lame about myself while on Pinterest that I just click the “like” button instead of pinning — I’m that lazy and dispirited, sometimes.
What digs me out, when I feel like I’m in a hole I can’t see out of, is Flylady. It’s embarrassing. I lead a global team for an IT company. And her site is … folksy. But the core of it is microsuccesses. Get dressed. Wash your face. Unload the dishwasher. Those little successes, day after day after day, help me feel like I did SOMETHING right. And from there I find my way up the slope into the light.
Meds help too, of course. But not without behavior to support them. Every. single. day.
Ahem, so after the first comment I left, I’ve been obsessing that it doesn’t quite give the right impression. It sounds a bit like I went back to therapy and back on meds and now I’m all fixed. But as you can tell by the very fact I felt the need to write a follow-up comment, that is not the case. I still have days where I have to convince myself to get up and the way I get through the rest is by focusing on one teeny little task at a time. And clearly, I struggle to convince myself that others will see me as good enough (and if they tell me they do, they might just be trying to make me feel better) So the point is not that there’s a magical end where all of a sudden you start pooping butterflies and singing like a deranged princess, the point is that maybe with extra work (I know, sorry, work, eek – but only worry about that work when you able to get your head there!) you’ll have a few butterfly-pooping days here and there, mostly just living life such as it is (and it’s not too shabby overall – because spider monkeys, pugs, cats and fluffy things) and a few shitty dark days. But you probably know this.
No, it’s not just you. I developed a trick about a decade ago to deal with this, to give myself a fucking break. My rule for life is that I must every (week)day: 1) do some daily living shit and 2) do some earn-some-money shit and 3) do some take care of my mind/body/soul shit. What counts in those categories depends on how well I’m functioning; when I’m struggling with depression or fibromyalgia, then it might be 1) dishes or laundry; 2) edit 1 page of text or return an email and 3) read a page of a book or do a couple yoga stretches. Then at least the most important things are getting done, and some progress is being made, however slow it is. When I’m feeling great, then it’s more like 1) clean the house 2) finish an ms and empty the inbox and 3) weed the garden, write a blog post, and read a chapter in whatever craft book I’ve got going.
Bottom line, I learned that if I’m struggling during the day, the real enemy is the job it does on my head, when I decide I’m a lazy good for nothing loser (and that nasty script is just so bad for us; we say things to ourselves no one would EVER say to us), so I just keep reminding myself, “one of each, baby.” I try to speak kindly to myself, and once I’ve done my three, I let up, give myself the rest of the day off, call it a win, take a nap. And I’ve found that the more that I can do that — just let up on the self-flagellation and focus on the tasks themselves– the more energy I have for getting bigger “ones of each” done. Soon I’m bopping through my days, not even thinking in those terms. But then I get sick or have a bad run, and I go back to the formula, and once again, it helps pull me out of it.
Of course you are not alone. Those people that you think have perfect lives? Yeah, maybe they don’t have the boxes, but maybe their marriage sucks, or they haven’t spoken to their parents in 20 years, or they have a kid on drugs, or they’re mired in debt, or whatever. Nobody’s life is perfect, and the people who seem like it are just really good at faking it.
It’s your brain making you feel this way. My daughter’s does it to her as well. Tell your brain to just fuck off, because you are kicking ass. Every day. Just by making it through to another day. (((hugs)))
Holy moly, over 2500 comments! I doubt you will ever even get to mine or that I will ever even SEE a response if you do. And a thousand people may have already posted this…but what the heck…
God does not, IMHO, keep a list. He doesn’t see that you haven’t completed this or that or whatever. Only YOU are keeping that list. Let it go. You are fine. You don’t have to be parent of the year or write a book or year or ANYTHING. Just by breathing, you are good enough. Just breath and be. And that’s all you have to do. Just be. And you’ve succeeded. So, let it go. I know, it’s scary, but let it go. Once you let go of the self-expectations and just accept you for you, guess what? You don’t become a homeless, unwashed bum. You just don’t. I promise. Yea, you might for a week, that’s OK. So let it go. Remember that Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live with his “I’m good enough” stuff. Yea, he was a joke…but he was also RIGHT. You ARE good enough, just as you are. Without the parenting award or anything. Otherwise, believe me, you will NEVER reach that made-up, fucked-up goal that is in your head.
Let go of the goal. You are there. You are fine. Take a deep breath and just let it go.
My boxes are unpacked, my house is tidy, my electricity is never off, I own napkins and often have picnics. But while I rarely feel depressed, I also rarely feel like I kicked ass. I feel like my happiness is the result of luck and not because I’m a good person, and that a spin of fortune’s wheel could yank it out from under me. I rarely have days where I feel super accomplished. Monday will be one because I have a big task to be done that day.
Wow… I am so shocked by so many of the responses you’ve gotten. Everybody is talking about how they feel the same way. I guess it helps to know you are not alone, but I thought you were asking for help. Here’s my suggestions to you and all the people who feel like you. STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF and go help somebody else. Visit the elderly, write a note to somebody to encourage them, go for a walk and pick up some trash along the way, whatever you can do … doing something nice makes you feel good. Quit thinking about yourself so much.
Just a thought… have you had your hormones tested? Hormones normally have a cyclic pattern throughout a month, or regular menstrual cycle, and you could be low. The days you feel good and accomplish the most are probably at the top end your hormone levels, and then bottoming out during the rest of the month. It’s just could be just one little piece of the big medical puzzle you’re trying to put together.
I think we all feel this way. Like we’re drowning but try to give the impression that everything is smooth sailing. Even the shiny people who live seemingly pastel lives. I was having a really hard time with where I am in life because I was measuring myself by what I perceived to be the perfect, together lives of those around me. Then I heard the perfect quote: Don’t judge your entire, real life by someone else’s highlight reel. What you see of others is the same thing they see of you on social media and in public. Everyone puts their best foot forward so others will think their lives are perfect and be jealous of them when really, everyone has some shit going on or some dirty little secret.
I just read some of the comments, and several included references to perfect photos posted to facebook. it made me realize just why I love the pictures of my family so much. All our pictures are far from perfect. One of my favorites is my young son sitting on Santa’s lap. Screaming bloody murder. It is so REAL. We are messy. Our pictures reflect who we are. I don’t care if anyone else sees them; I love them.
I feel better knowing it’s not just me. I’m a very successful person and have a wonderful family but find little happiness in it. It’s like looking at life through a screen, I’m not seeing all the colors life has to offer. I try to take one day at a time and cherish the good days even if it means only a few a month.
How often do I feel successful? Mostly never. Their may be a day or two here or there when I accomplish everything on my list and feel super productive but even on those days I still sometimes feel like a failure.
I recently had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the psych ward for the first time ever. For what it’s worth I do NOT recommend that course of action. However, it allowed me time to really look at all the ways I am fucked up and figure out where some of the crazy comes from. I have anxiety and major depression, which I’ve been treating for years but I found out that wasn’t enough. I’m a perfectionist- which doesn’t mean I do everything perfect like those shiny PTA moms- it means I never believe ANYTHING I do is good enough. Growing up, I was taught not to feel emotions, and not to speak about my pain. I was taught that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I was taught to fear people and confrontation, and a number of other bad habits. Now I’m trying to unlearn that stuff through therapy and by working a 12 step program for adult children of dysfunctional families. It helps, but I have a long road ahead of me. What helps more than anything when I’m having a panic attack or episode of depressionis reminding myself that I have gone through much worse than whatever I’m feeling and survived, so I will survive this too.
Three or four days of feeling really successful would be a really good month for me. Most of the rest of the time I don’t really feel like a failure, just a mediocrity. My wife, on the other hand, feels like a failure all the time — and she’s one of those people that everyone else thinks is totally together and ass-kicking every minute. Those PTA moms are probably a lot less happy than you imagine when they’re lying in bed thinking about how their day went, and they’re probably more intimidated by your success than you are by their hair and picnic baskets.
to my knowledge, I have neither depression nor anxiety. I have a very low energy state 24/7 that has nothing to do with anything other than just being a very low energy person.
I still have days like this. many, many days.
I go through phases of what you’re talking about, but–using my own internal barometer–I don’t think you should feel like that as much as it seems you do. I used to feel like that more, before I got my meds adjusted.
For me, the feeling you’re describing is, at a guess, 20-25% of a month, rather than 90% of a month. And it usually can be alleviated by doing something concrete, and I’m talking here about “put away the dishes that have been sitting the drying rack for two weeks,” not “suddenly have the energy to become an awesome PTA parent.”
So if you want the opinion of this particular person-on-the-internet, I think that the benchmark for a biochemical/cognitive baseline is not where you are right now; that you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re not good enough as often as it sounds like you do; that you should be able to actually enjoy the good stuff more. I’m not you, obviously, but I’ve been in a similar (though not as severe situation), and adjusting meds made a big difference in my ability to function, which led to feeling better about myself a lot more of the time.
Sending you love and good wishes!!!
My mum used to feel like this. She’s been looking for a job for about 3 years now but never felt like she was worth hiring or worth being paid the salary she deserves. She very rarely heard back from any applications and the ones she did never got past the first interview.
Then she tried The Tapping Solution. It allowed her to work on these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness and build her confidence day by day.
Since reading the book, she’s been offered 3 contracts in the last month with hopefully more offers to come!
Maybe it’s a coincidence, maybe it’s something more. All I know is that it’s helped her (and now many of her friends) in a real, practical way.
Good luck, chin up, depression lies. xx
P.S. I’m not being paid to endorse this, I’m just the daughter of a very satisfied customer 🙂
http://www.thetappingsolution.com/
Hey I have days where I feel like its an accomplishment just to get out of bed.
All the plastic people who are so pretty and shiny have their own issues and problems, they just put a lot of importance on hiding them. Not healthy either.
It isn’t just you. And as proof I submit to you this link from another Jenny who blogs. I found you through her blog and she posted this a while ago.
http://www.epbot.com/2011/09/sometimes-its-ok-to-not-be-ok.html
I won’t say it’ll all be okay but I will tell you that I love your blog and I’m rooting for you to have more good days but to not feel too awful about the bad ones. Everyone has them. You’re just brave enough to tell the rest of us about yours.
Thanks so much for your blog.
I have those feelings too. I think a TON of people put on a good front- that they pretend to have perfect lives. It’s only when you have a drink with them or get them to open up more, that you see they are just like you and me. And I think they feel better for showing the truth & seeing there are many of us out there- that it is normal.
I have been trying two different ideas (at different times, when I feel like it & it’s not too impossible to do- we all have those days!)
-A Blessings journal, or what I’m thankful for. It helps me to see its not all doom and gloom & I can look at at earlier entries too.
-An anonymous “help” or some how doing something for someone, with them not knowing. It gets me out of my own head, and makes me feel a bit better. Sometimes it isn’t always the biggest thing, but I feel that showing grace/ love/ kindness- whatever you want to call it, helps!
But yes, meds and therapy and all that good stuff helps too. And I’m told that diet and exercise help, but sometimes that is pretty hard to get it all right 😉
You have a skill that is rare. You are preternaturally LIKABLE. This is because you display are rare mix of humor, vulnerability, honesty and deep compassion (at least for others, please try to remember to be compassionate with yourself.). I think you over-estimate how “together” other people’s lives are. We are generally also a twisted mess. But the mess in people’s lives doesn’t always show in the same ways.
There are lots of Trolls, random people who seem to find joy in tearing other people down. Snark has become a hobby for many. Be honest, but try not to troll yourself. You may consider this blog just a “placeholder,” just a way of filling space until you think of something “real” to write. But this is real. This is honest. This is touching and compassionate and vulnerable and yeah, even a little quirky and funny. This is YOU! And you will have to admit that you are preternaturally (I paid a dime for that word, let me use it twice) likable, lovable even. There are thousands of people you have never met who have been touched and moved by you and your writing. I’m trying to say that you are more than the sum of your perceived failings, that seem to pile up in your head and threaten to spill over. The dusty box in the corner that awaits being opened is the “donut-hole,” it is the “negative space,” the part you think defines you but that really isn’t “you.” I know that a wave of thousands of people shouting, “But we love you,” won’t fix everything. Still, I hope it helps. Because you are a treasure. You have REAL value, even on the days when you feel overwhelmed and can’t seem see it, or more likely can’t seem to feel it to be true.
Depression is a lying fart. Don’t let the stench of that drown out the real truth, “You ROCK!” And we love you.
The idea of success is…maybe a little bit bad. And what helped ease it for me was talking to a person when I was caught up in an attack of anxiety about someone else, in fact, and I was saying “But I am so scared, I just want her to be successful,” and this helpful person looked at me with such kindness, and said, “But success if being able to do what you love.” And by even TRYING to write, and to think, and to create stuff, you are 1) showing your child that this is something that matters and she can try to do too and 2) you are being successful. ARE. It’s just that fucked up definition of “accomplishing something important” and/or “getting national (or other) recognition for your work”—these are things that rely so much on other people’s definitions that they can never work. They aren’t success, they’re something else altogether.
I hope you feel better soon.
wow, 2500+ comments, there’s *something* you’re not failing at! :O
this is interesting, because i just had a conversation recently about having a “higher purpose” in life. apparently, this is something we’re supposed to have. i have never really understood the concept. my view of life: “i’ll be dead after i die. i was dead before i was born. life is a break from death.” (101 reykjavik) which saddens me somewhat, because i had to wait until the year 2000 (when the movie was made) to have a view of life.
the part of me that feels like an imposter is the part of me that’s been waiting for years to be the “adult” that all the other “adults” are. i try to ignore that part of me and just accept that i’m a big, giant kid in an adult suit. this allows me the freedom to BE that big-giant-kid. it may annoy “adults”, but it amuses me… and that’s what counts. if life is a break from death, then i figure i’m due a good time *on my own terms*.
i will never write a book, have a successful blog, be a parent, run a company, be a world traveler, be one of the “beautiful people”, or master the finer art of exactly how to work a stove. i’m good at being me, though. as limited as some people might consider it. i have 2 dogs who think i’m AMAZING. i have a job i enjoy (when i grow up, i want to claw my way to middle management). i’m a good friend. a loyal person. i’m perfectly willing to be a complete dork and embrace my dorkiness (c’mon, i decorated the elevator at work for “happy monday” day. ok, it’s not a real “day”, but any excuse for balloons.)
am i “successful”? i don’t know and i don’t really care. i do the best i can at any given moment in any given situation. and in the end, i’m me and that’s all i can be.
I have been reading your blog for years, and I’ve never before commented. There is a lot of things on which we do not agree, which in my opinion just makes the world richer. On this though, I couldn’t agree more. I am a mother of three. I’ve been married for over a decade. I’m a lawyer, and by all appearances a very successful lawyer. My children for the most part are decent human beings. I run marathons. Overall, people like me. Yet, every night, I go to bed feeling like the biggest failure on the planet. I lie in bed and regret not spending more time with my kids that day. I wake up worrying that I said something dumb at work that will likely destroy my career forever. If people compliment me, I assume they are lying. My house is a disaster ALL THE TIME. I wonder why I don’t have it in my to even pick up my shoes. I forget snack duty at school. I run out of checks, and it takes me 6 months to order new ones. My bills are usually paid late. And I wonder why I’m such a failure at being an adult when others seem to have no problem with it. I totally and completely get what you are saying.
Hey Jenny–
You are SO not the only one! Most days I feel like I’m barely managing to hold my mind together long enough to crawl through the day. Most, but not all. A precious few days out of each month I manage to get out of the “Spiral of Terrible Awfulness”, and on those days I feel like I’ve got it together.
Here’s the rub–I’m a Christian. I feel like my “good days” should be outnumbering my “bad days” on a fairly regular basis. So on top of feeling like I’m failing at life, I sort of usually feel like I’m failing God too.
…and then I pull my head out of my ass and realize that I really can’t fuck up worse than what He’s already forgiven me. I can’t let Him down because it was never my job to hold Him up. My worst days are the ones in which I spend my time so focused on myself, and how I feel, and what I’m doing right, and what I’m not doing right, and how long the dishes have been sitting on the counter, and all of that bullshit (like trying to stop swearing, which I clearly SUCK at).
So, HERE’S THE IMPORTANT BIT: As sure as there is a God, there is also a Devil (you’ll recognize him because he’ll be standing at a crossroads in the middle of nowhere, sans golden fiddle). He was glorious and brilliant and stunningly beautiful, but his power-play failed miserably. And somewhere along the line, he decided that if he was going down, then we sure-as-Hell were going down with him. His is the most epic hatred of all time, and it’s directed at US. We were promised and freely given the kingdom that he tried to take by force. We poke fun and think of him as this comic fiend prancing around in red tights, but he’s the greatest evil genius of all time. Cruel for the pleasure of being cruel. Charismatic. Capable of twisting the truth in such a way that it still looks like the truth, but is not. He lies. He doesn’t fight fair. We’re on his bad side, and he’s got the home court advantage. And you know what? It doesn’t really matter if you believe in him, or God, or anything (not to him, anyway), because he will seek to utterly destroy you no matter what. That is his constant goal. He couldn’t best God by power, so he’s retaliating by striking at what God loves, instead.
The battle that’s raging is so much bigger than us. It’s war on a level we can’t even imagine. We live every day on the blood-soaked field of battle. It’s why Paul said several times not to be without the armor God provided (there’s that free will thing cropping up again — I’ve got this pile of awesome armor, but I can decide that it’s too much work to put it on today. Go me.)
And you know what else? There’s this really annoying common thread in the Bible where God’s always asking us to do the impossible. Like live with free will in a world that’s basically the stomping grounds of a really pissed-off, really powerful former archangel and not sin. Seriously?! In the old Testament there’s this story about Gideon, right? (Not the one that hides Bibles in all the hotel room nightstands. That’s a totally different Gideon.) So way back in the day Israel is being oppressed by the Midianites and the Amalekites, who formed this huge army that was “too large to count”. And God tells Gideon that he needs to amass an army so God can deliver Israel from this ginormous army. So Gideon recruits about 32,000 men. 32,000, against a force too large to be numbered. And God says, “You’ve got too many people with you. I want you to KNOW that I’m saving your asses here, not that you’re saving yourselves.” (I’m paraphrasing here. I don’t think God would say “asses”. Well, unless He were talking about donkeys. But anyway…) So God divides them up and Gideon sends all but 10,000 men home. And God is all like, “You’ve still got too many. Send more away.” By the end Gideon’s left with only 300 men. THREE. HUNDRED. And what happens? Israel totally wins the fight. Because God freaked the Midianites out in advance, and dropped a crap-ton of confusion in their midst, and basically got the Midianites and Amalekites to destroy each other.
Moral of the story: God likes to ask us to do the impossible so we’re in a place where we need Him to show up. Because, honestly, we have a really bad habit of just ignoring Him when we’re trucking along our merry little way without any problems. For me, getting out of bed and functioning like a proper human being IS the impossible. So on the days I trust God and let Him lead me through my day and deal with the issues…those days are good. On the days when I start listening instead to the Liar? Well, if I’m going to pitch my tent in the Enemy’s camp, I guess I’ll be living with the consequences.
Anyway…sorry this got so long. I’m pretty sure my ADD and lack of sleep just hijacked most of what I was actually trying to say. I love you. I’m praying for you. Depressions lies, and it’s the favorite tool of that jackass called the Devil.
To all the other commenters, I’m not looking for a theological debate. I get that not everyone agrees with me. This is how I see life. Take it or leave it, but agree to disagree. Thanks!
When I feel this way (which is fairly often), I try to remember that behind each one of those shiny people that I’m comparing myself to is someone who is probably battling something I know nothing about. A few years ago my 17 year marriage was in shambles; I was deep in the blackest depression I had ever experienced and had attempted suicide twice. I was surrounded by what I thought at the time were happy friends with successful lives and who would have no way to understand what I was experiencing. My certainty that they would never be able to understand what I was going through contributed a lot to how isolated I felt. Eventually I found out that four couples that I thought fit into this shiny, happy category were divorcing messily – by comparison my divorce was actually much more amicable. I found out that two of my friends in these couples had also considered suicide and were being medicated for severe depression and anxiety.
As terrible as those things are – they actually made me feel better. I spent the last five years of my 17 year marriage so SURE that everyone else had it together and that I was the only person who had to deal with this crushing sense of failure. They all looked so happy! They said all the right things, they seemed so together. But they were just as fucked up as I was. It was a good lesson that I try to keep in mind whenever my brain starts to tell me how much of a loser I am.
I’m not going to read the 2000 other comments, and I’m sure all of this has been said already. SO NORMAL (sorry). Well assuming I’m normal. I always assume I am, based on the fact I’d like not to be.
I’m working hard on my inability to value success I’ve had in the past (ie days that are not today). I have this whole “I’m only as good as today” attitude which (a) makes for a good work ethic (sometimes) but (b) is a ridiculous approach, really, because you don’t do awesome things every day. I have two small children so realistically a day I don’t go backwards should be a good day, but of course for it to count as a good day I must: Complete a Creative Project OR Make a Big Splash At Work OR Execute Several Hours of Early Childhood Education on Unsuspecting Children OR Finish the Washing. Ideally, of course, all of the above (which is of course impossible as the WASHING NEVER ENDS).
As to how many days a month? I reckon I get three or four days a month that feel successful. Lots more where I feel like I’ve at least managed to tread water. And inevitably some where I start evaluating ‘success’ in evolutionary terms … as in, I’m alive, as are my progeny, and if I put one foot in front of another I can keep it that way another day.
You hit the nail on the head! I feel the same way.
This is so far down the comments it will probably never be read. I could have written what you wrote. My children are adults now. I worry that my illness hurt them. They are great kids and very successful, but I still worry about that. I am thinking of sending this post to them by way of apology for being such a hopeless failure (in my eyes) at everything including raising them, and also as an explanation of what it’s like to be me so they don’t harbor any doubt that it’s them. Does that make any sense? My husband is a saint and a champ. He feels helpless to make my sadness and insecurity better, but he loves me and is always in my corner. You and Allie Brosh have done so much to help me recognize that it’s not just me. Thank you for that. I sometimes think that the gift of being creative and clever comes with the curse of depression and anxiety. I try to imagine what it would be like to be shallower, but happier. I don’t think I would like it. At any rate, it’s not just you. Thank you for helping me to see it’s not just me.
Ok, I check your website a few times a week – least I can do is give an honest answer to a simple question.
I have advanced degrees, make good money doing work that like, loving wife, kid and dog at home (the cat and I tolerate each other), and a great network of friends. And yet I doubt Ihave more than a few days a month where I say ‘Yep, I did good today”. Instead, I have moments of feeling like I achieved something, followed by an internal reminder that there is always something else that has to get done.
Oddly enough, what makes me feel worse is the external affirmation form someone complimenting me, because then I find myself wondering about their sense of judgement or own lives. One of my staff told me I was probably the best manager he had ever had in his 30+ year career and I mumbled thanks while inwardly wondering how he had the bad luck to have decades worth of sadistical bosses. My wife is profusive with her praise but the whole time she is speaking I feel uncomfortable and awkward, because look at all the things I didn’t do to make our lives better.
On the 500th episode of This American Life, the staff played their favorite clips and one of them chose some tape by Ira Glass where he said, in effect, that he never felt stable in his relationships with others and that even with his wife of many years he felt that he needed to prove himself. My wife thought that was a strange personality quirk but I knew exactly where he was coming from… everytime I start to appreciate a success, something else in my tells me I could have done better or when am I going to get to the next thing.
As for what makes me feel better, sadly the answer is nothing. I’ve seen a couple of therapists and while they helped with the immediate issues the long term ones remain intact. Which I’ve made my peace with. I don’t think I’m clinicially depressed – I’m going to enjoy an upcoming weekend with my wife’s family even if part of me is wondering why I don’t make much time with my own family. And, and this is the killer, there are times where I wonder if I would have achieved the external signs of success that I have if I didn’t have those tiny voices wondering why I didn’t do more.
I discovered you a month ago and don’t understand how we aren’t the best of friends/same person. Your posts are my feelings put on the page. I find my current strength in the every day things by starting off with reading you, knowing that someone/you are out there feeling and fighting the same things I am – daily.
My example of sucking at my life: at some point, my website will become more that just a link with a coming soon page. Current status: 1 year of thinking about it. 6+ months of talking about it with husband – when he’s asleep, does that count? 4 months since I told one other person. 2 months since registering the site name. 1 month since picking the page layout and getting a business card. And now nothing – or still nothing.
What’s my point – as my lovely, f-ing handsome, totally together complete with sexy, nice girlfriend, brother would say – my point is you are not alone. I am here with you… (Crap – and now that f-ing song is in my head. No way out but to drop mic and peace out…)
Writing to just to say thank you. I have been drowning in this for the last few weeks in a big way…yesterday I unblocked a toilet, fed myself and everybody else, didn’t cry…that’s a winning day right now. This being an adult human lark is hard. Even harder when you’re hauling the gremlins that come with anxiety and depression around with you. Is it normal? I suspect by comment 2625 you probably have the answer to that already…but I just wanted to say thank you for saying the words out loud and making all the other messy fuck-ups feel a little less alone today.
Much love
Ax
Your post reminded me of this: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/06/21/quit-pointing-your-avocado-at-me/ As someone pointed out in the comments on that post, avocado momma was probably looking at Glennon wishing her avocado-eating kid didn’t have so many food allergies, and could just eat food court food. The pastel people have their own issues – we just can’t see them.
Though marketers would desperately like to convince us otherwise, life is not a competition. Just be you, Jenny. We really like *you*.
Jenny, I’m not sure if I’m the right person to answer this, and I’m not sure if it will help, but here goes. I think I’m the kind of person you would look at and say “Damn, she’s got her shit together.” I’m a single parent, I’m in school, I work, and yes, most days my hair is even clean. But here’s the thing. I was getting so behind in my emails that I had to make a Deal With This Right Now folder. There are over a hundred emails in it, and the oldest one is over four months old. That’s to say nothing of the 3000 emails in my Get Around To These As Soon As The Really Important Stuff Is Done folder. I moved in June, and the boxes are still piled up around me. Ilose touch with friends because that really important call I was going to make to them is still on my To Do list after six months. I don’t actually remember the last time I cleaned the toilet. Most nights I fall asleep on my couch, because it seems like too much effort to walk the 15 feet to my bedroom. Those are the things that no one looking in from the outside would see (in part because I refuse to have them over until I’ve unpacked and cleaned the toilet), and I’m guessing that more than a couple of your perfect PTA parents are the same way. Yes, I have struggled with depression, and I’m too poor for the therapy and medication, but you know what has helped me stay just on top of things enough to not drop any of the really important things, like being a loving mom, and finishing enough of my homework to pass my classes? You have. You helped me by reminding me that depression lies, and by drawing together a whole village of people who share their own struggles, and by making me laugh, and by being a human who falls down, and not being afraid to put that out into the world for other people to see. That helps me recognize that sometimes the enough that you can do is better than the everything you’ll never actually get to. And, I’m just guessing, but I think that if you had more “good days” to write about, a lot of us out here would have more bad days, because of how much it would look like you were one of those people who we will never be able to be, and how we would never measure up, and then we would feel even more alone. Don’t force yourself to do anything more. The things that you do are enough.
You’re not alone. Of course the meds and therapy help but, as anyone who struggles with this knows, the crazy is sometimes stronger than the combination of meds and therapy. Eating somewhat healthy, getting enough sleep and exercise help but exercise is hard to do when all you want to do is crawl under the couch like a cat.
I think that most people fake it – appearing successful, that is. I myself have gotten better at it. My boyfriend, my friends and even a few coworkers I barely know have commented to me that “you seem to have your life together” to which I laugh. With everything I’m struggling with (moving, new job, new friends, divorce, foreclosing on a house, the terror of living alone for the first time ever, figuring out how dating works, etc) I feel like a new kid at a new school in the middle of the school year where everyone has already constructed their groups of friends. Many days I feel like I’m going through the motions.
Someone in an earlier comment mentioned small successes and they’re right. “I showered today” or “I ate breakfast, lunch AND dinner today” and even “I got out of bed”. Sometimes it feels like nothing goes right at work and people are just arseholes in general. But then there’s one customer or one caller who was grateful, patient, or at least not an arsehole. I focus on those people because if you focus on the negative or bad it just drags you down.
Yesterday I achieved exactly 2 A4 paper sized pieces of work, despite having been in work since 8.30am, but my hair was washed. Today I have managed to read one document and press submit on a form, but I did get my daughter to her therapists and back to school in time. Wednesday I made pasta from scratch, yesterday I ate cereal. No one, but NO ONE, accomplishes 100% every single day. Instead, we achieve a little, mostly unachieve a lot and spend our days covering our asses for the fact we have Fucked Shit Up.
The shiny haired ones that look like they don’t? Well, I hate to break it to you my dear, but they are faking it. They may be helping every day with home work but they haven’t had decent sex since the kids arrived; or they may be co-ordinated from hair accessories to shoes, but they haven’t spoken to their best friend/parent/sister since high school; or they don’t have dusty piles of boxes in corners but they binge eat and then vomit when no one is in the house. Everyone, everywhere is Fucking Shit Up in one way or another.
You already know its the meds not kicking in that have you feeling like this. Be gentle on yourself.
I probably only have a few days a YEAR in which I feel like I have kicked ass. I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety so I figure if I did, I would never kick ass. Some friends and family have told me that I “have it together” or things along those lines but I feel like I’m juggling so many things that nothing is really done well. I have two kids and I love them with all my heart but feel guilty because I work and don’t spend enough time with them and when I do, sometimes I’m cranky and I just can’t wait until they go to bed. I feel like I’m feeding them too much takeout and not doing enough in the way of constructive activities or not going outside with them enough. My house is NEVER clean and I still haven’t decorated…we moved in almost 6 years ago. I have a very good job and I feel like I do it no justice because I’m so tired when I get there, I can’t concentrate. My husband? Ha! I have to schedule him in for sex and 99% of the time, I’d rather just be sleeping.
I want to be honest and give you a fair comparison. I do not suffer from mental illness of any kind, and although I have good days and bad days, what you are experiencing is not how life should be. I don’t know if that means you should try adjusting your meds or changing your therapy, and this is not meant to be at all judgemental, it’s just meant to tell you there is a “better” world to aspire to. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to attain it due to your conditions, but I think you should discuss this with your health professionals because you shouldn’t have to settle for just 3-4 days a month of feeling good about yourself. What I’m trying to say is that you deserve more, so there is value in seeking ways to get more.
I feel this way all the time, despite the fact that I fall into bed exhausted every night because every day is to packed full of stuff to do. I know I’m not lazy, but my house is always a mess, something for my kids’ school always falls through the cracks, I almost always say no to PTA stuff, I am overweight, and I feel like I will NEVER finish the first draft of the YA novel I’m trying to write. Also, I’m putting just enough effort at my day job not to get fired.
You know all the great things you’ve accomplished, so I won’t remind you of them. Can you question whatever belief is making you feel like what you do is not enough? I find the whole idea of questioning beliefs (a la Byron Katie’s Work) really helpful.
Sending you hugs and a super realistic dream where Firefly has another 10 seasons. 🙂
1. It sounds like some of your goals/views of success aren’t your own, but are societal. I too would feel guilty about not being on the PTA, while I understand that my glorious, wonderful, couldn’t-be-better mother wasn’t on the PTA herself. That didn’t define her being a “good mom,” even though others might disagree. I’m guessing Hailey is a good speller because she knows from you the importance of education/was encouraged to do it by you and Victor. THAT makes you successful parents.
2. Stephen Colbert said this in a 2011 graduation speech: “So whatever your dream is right now, if you don’t achieve it, you haven’t failed and you’re not some loser – but just as importantly – if you do get your dream, you’re not a winner.” That has been rumbling around a lot in my mind lately. You can’t say “I’m a failure because I dreamed of writing a second book and it hasn’t worked out.” Along the same lines, you can’t say “I wrote a second book and that makes me successful!”
(You can watch his full speech here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6tiaooiIo0)
3. Every day is a new challenge and a new slate. It sounds corny, but you can’t hold yourself accountable for every day’s failures – you have to move forward and say “this is my goal today.” Yesterday’s goal may have been to run errands, do laundry, and write some of your book – that doesn’t mean that today’s goal has to be any more complicated than “get out of bed” if that’s the challenge of the day.
4. From the outside, your life looks really successful to me. That’s the inherent flaw in comparing ourselves to others – you only can see it from the outside. I’m married, employed, and eat out on occasion – that sounds like success, too, but I could bring up a million reasons why it isn’t.
5. It’s probably silly to say this when you’ve gotten over 2600 comments, but we *love* you and support you. Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities, because it makes us all stronger to know and talk about it. Good luck on facing the challenges of today, and let go the challenges of the past! <3
It’s not just you. I still feel this way and if you knew me, you’d know that is really crazy.
When I realized that 90% of the accomplished, beautiful, amazing women I look up to feel the same way about themselves (maybe not the same number of days a month that you or I do, but still . . ) it did make me feel a little bit better only because it’s not so unusual. And even more importantly, (kinda earth shattering) that there are people in the world, that SEE YOU THAT WAY. That is a crazy thought. There are people looking at me and thinking I’m so lucky/smart/beautiful/talented/whatever those crazy fuckers think.
Wish there was something to be said that would help you feel differently, but if there was, I’d be saying it to myself first ;). Then THE WORLD.
Just, thank you. Wholly and sincerely.
You say… “I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair”…
I walked around with a “Smile on a Stick” for so many years that everyone thought my life was near perfect. Until I melted down and ended up in the hospital and, finally, put down that particular appendage…I didn’t know that a great percentage of those shiny people actually have the same, or similar issues, as I do.
Thank you for being you.. you let me know that it’s ok to let others know when things are looking pretty grim from the inside out. And I don’t have to hide anymore.
Jenny, if it is true that a person is judged by the company he keeps, then I think you could not be more successful. Seriously, look at all of these comments! You have an amazing group of people who think incredibly highly of you – you have EARNED that love and respect.
For me, if I begin to feel down or unhappy, my first step is to turn off, get away, and take a hiatus from all things electronic. No TV, no time online, silence the phone. Just two or three hours disconnected makes an enormous difference for me. I will go back to checking email and working after a few hours, but continue my break from surfing and TV until my world feels more balanced. Bonus? Very often during these breaks, laundry gets done and other good and useful things are accomplished and that helps bolster my sense of value.
My work is very directly tied to being online… not once ever has a crisis emerged while I was disconnected.
Jenny, you are full of awesome. Close your eyes, breathe deep, and say it three times: I. Am. Full. Of. Awesome.
I feel like I kick ass most days, but that’s because I have adjusted my standards. If other people think I’m a real person, (and they generally seem to), I assume either a) they are correct and I’m a real person and have earned my Big Girl Badge for the day, or b) they are wrong and I’m just that good at faking it, which is still a win because if I I’m functional enough to fool people day in and day out, then I must be in decent shape. Mostly I think I’m faking it, but I’m pretty sure everyone else is, too.
Since I’m comment about-a-million, I doubt anyone will even get this far. But just for the record – I regularly feel I’ve achieved nothing. Don’t think I can put a number to it, but I do think it’s ‘normal’ and I think a lot of folk feel it. Like you, I reckon they just don’t talk about it. It can also be about how we perceive things – we imagine everyone else’s shit to be way better than anything we could do. Just try and remember that to other people we are part of the everyone else!
I can’t say I often feel like I’ve kicked ass. Even if I have in one aspect of my life (say at work) you can guarantee I’ll then walk into my house & it smells because the recycling needs to go out, there’s crap all over the table & my small person will annoy me & I’ll be grumpy & thereyougo, kicking no goals.
It’s hard enough to feel on top of things & good about myself without mental health issues & personality disorders so I’d say you’re doing pretty darn well.
I can relate and this summer I started boot camp. I hate to exercise but forced myself to for 5 days a week for four weeks at 5:30 am! Treated it as punishment for life failings. And believe it or not, it worked! I hated every minute of it except the end and when it was over, I felt more energy, clearer, my anxiety was way down, especially at night which helped me sleep better which also helped me to feel better. Not to mention I have more confidence because I look better. Not great but better. Still like my wine but believe it also contributes to my anxiety. Anxiety is mental illness, runs in my family and can be overcome or at least diminished. Exercise worked for me but it’s a daily struggle to make myself do it, I can’t lie. But if you treat it as your punishment for what you are feeling bad about, you do it. Also getting it out of the way early in the morning is better, too sleepy to think to hard about it. By the way, I loved your book, this blog and was so amazed and happy to see that there are others out there like me.
Just erased an annoyingly long and detailed comment. I don’t want to vent on your blog when you have enough problems of your own.
Figure out for yourself what would make your life “successful”. Clean house? Fancy car? Perfect hair? Bestselling book? Raising a happy, healthy, smart, talented child? NOT getting divorced?
Whatever it is, do it. Do it *hard* (hehe). THAT’S SUCCESS.
And for fuck’s sake woman, if you’re a worthless failure what the hell does that make me?????
I can’t write for SHIT, half the time I don’t do the dishes or laundry or any other chore when I’m home, my kids’ homework is done an hour before school starts the day it’s due. I’m barely mediocre at work. I am divorced, penniless, have no friends (LITERALLY), and no goals. But I’m content. BECAUSE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK DOESN’T MATTER. NOBODY IS JUDGING YOU.
And I wrote a long ass whiny post a-fucking-gain.
SON.OF.A.BITCH
Oh, Jenny. I’ve been reading your blog for some time now and this is the first time that I’ve felt absolutely compelled to comment. I have been on antidepressants and in therapy since I was 10 years old. I’m 28 now. My therapist and I have been working through the same frustrating feelings for some time now.
I have a degree in civil engineering. I have trained as a structural engineer and now I specialise in geotechnical engineering. My name is respected in the construction industry. I have a man, the love of my life, telling me I am beautiful every day. I have a small, trustworthy group of similarly introverted friends who genuinely enjoy my company.
BUT
I have no self-esteem. I have only ever evaluated my worth by comparison. And none of my engineering projects have featured on the Discovery Channel, pretty as I may be I am certainly no Victoria’s Secret model, and not everyone warms to me. In fact, I can’t count on two hands the people I’ve come across who have been devastatingly cruel to me.
My therapist asks me; “What is ‘good enough’?” Logic tells me I have many reasons to be proud of myself. However, there are a horrifying number of days when I feel that I am failing at life in general. I am failing to be happy. I am failing to be content. I am failing to be . . . perfect.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In this post you too compare yourself to the picture-perfect mom and the picture-perfect author. PICTURE-PERFECT. I never post photographs of the REALLY bad times to Facebook. Who does? Those perky moms likely have as many cracks and dirt and shame if you look past the polish. Do you honestly think that most writers sit at their typewriters with a blissful smile on their face as the completed pages of their latest novel whizz through the air?
I know you are not fishing for compliments but I am going to give you some. You are beautiful. You are intelligent and articulate. You have an enviable relationship with your husband and a darling daughter. You make me laugh. You give me a safe place to bare my soul. You have given me this post and comment to take to my therapist as my own progress. You make me feel that I am not alone.
You are not alone. You are not failing at life even though it only feels that way 4 days a month. Every day is a battle to be fought and some days you will fall down. Just remember that we are your people and we march together, so pick yourself up and move forward with some of the confidence you have inspired in me and the 2500 others who have commented on this post.
It’s not just you but thank you for being exactly who you are.
You are so very not alone. A really helpful thing I was told early in recovery is, “Don’t compare your insides with other people’s outsides.” In other words, most people seem like they have a handle on this grown-up thing, but a large number (hell, maybe most) of them feel just as fucked up as you do, they’re just good at hiding it. Most days, I manage to get myself out of bed and my kids fed breakfast (even if it’s just Froot Loops and a glass of milk) and off to school, and that’s about the height of my accomplishments for the day. I never have people over, because my house is always cluttered and the counters are covered in dirty dishes and the carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in months. No, I don’t feel very successful as a person.
Everyone feels like an imposter sometimes. Right now I’m trying to figure out what to do next in my career and all I can think about is how there isn’t anything special or unique about what I do. I feel like I’m failing at my career because I tried doing something I wanted, failed at it, and I have no idea what to do now. I know I have skills and work hard, I just feel directionless and like I’m flailing about. It makes me want to give up caring about my career altogether and stop looking for that magical job/career that will make me feel “successful”, whatever that means. I guess in the end I just need to stop trying to find my sense of self worth in my job.
Well, that was a nice epiphany. Thanks Jenny for helping me work through that in your comments section. This is why I love your blog. 🙂
I totally understand and feel the same way…maybe a few days out of the month I feel like I at least met the minimum quota of normal human achievement. The rest of the time, I’m helping my kid with her homework on Thursday night, right before bed because I forgot about it. Or hiding the overflowing laundry basket in my bedroom when the doorbell rings. Or spraying a dirty shirt with Febreeze so I can wear it to work because I have no clean shirts. So, yeah, I feel your pain, big time!
I get maybe 1 week a month that’s bad now though it used to be worse.
I had a lot of support from my family growing up but even so it took me a long time to accept I am good at stuff. I’ve finally gotten to a place where I *generally* feel like either I know how to do or deal with something for my job/life or I can figure out how and for me that allows me to stop stressing about it and focus on being happy. The bad times come in spurts when I let anxiety get the best of me about being stuck on a problem which could be work or husband or family related that I feel I can’t do anything about. Then it just turns around and around in my head in a terrible circle till I can break out of it.
Like a lot of people I exercise to help, but for me Zumba really helped because trying to dancing like s tripper/latin goddess (sans alcohol) in a class full of women who are doing the same thing and working on being confident and sexy helps realize you are not alone. Even the instructors don’t have everything perfected – they’re just letting loose and having fun and have conquered their fear of looking silly. It works as a support group for me to help keep my happiness levels up.
Another concept I’ve recently been working with is “being in the moment”, i.e. when you start feeling like everything is falling apart take some slow deep breaths (5-10) and try to absorb as much of what is happening to you at that particular moment as possible instead of thinking about everything that has/might happen. There was an article in scientific America recently discussing the long term benefits of this kind of mental exercise even for 10-15 min a day (they did studies using people with chronic pain and depression to do the study and it helped the participants), so I figured I’d give it a shot. It helped me get through a few bad days this week.
Good luck, i love reading your blog and have been inspired by your and Victor’s very honest and accepting relationship to keep working on mine so both my husband and I can be more like ourselves when we were dating (we’ve morphed into trying too hard as a couple and with each other and we need to stop that – but that’s another issue).
I think by now enough people have confirmed that we all feel like this. Someone earlier wrote that it varies by hour and that’s certainly the case for me.
My coping strategies for those days when I am struck catatonic by crippling self-doubt and feelings of helplessness include (trying to) surround myself in a positive environment where I get the emotional support I need to deal with shit; working out if my benchmark of ‘productive’ and ‘achieving something’ is set by me or by someone else; working out if said benchmark is reasonable for someone in my specific situation (not any other person who is not me); and working out my own motivation for reaching the benchmark (that generally has been set by societal norms/expectations that I do not agree with or want to abide by). If I can’t do no 3, I generally don’t do it.
The last one is a big one. I’ve always been heaps interested in locus of control and learned helplessness and such, and I always fear that I’ve gotten so used to failure and not-quite-reaching-goals that now I’ve just accepted that as normal for me and I will never try hard enough at anything ever to change it. (I blame this on people telling me how awesome I was when I was young, and me becoming complacent because stuff was easy, and then failing to transition to real life where it isn’t easy).
I went to a talk by this guy: http://www.compassionunlimited.com/ about compassion fatigue and suffering that comes from dealing with other people’s trauma and stuff all the time (I’m a social worker with refugees who have no permanent protection or work rights) and the main stuff I took from it was that what you do in your every day life needs to align with your own personal principles, not anyone else’s, and that you’ll do your work with less ‘suffering’ when you have a motivation to do said work that aligns with your values rather than that you were told to do it, or that you have to because you are part of the greater machine that you think is stupid and you don’t have any belief in and you wish would just break down and cease to exist anyway (I don’t know that those were his words exactly, but that’s what I remember it as..) [Also, he says if you relax your pelvic floor you’ll never be stressed because that deactivates your sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight). I never did my kegels so my pelvic floor’s not that impressive any way, but this makes sense, kung fu uses this technique too.]
I’m lucky that my work keeps me super grounded in terms of realising how awesome I have it to have been born me and not someone else, but then I feel guilty for not having done more with that privilege, but that’s another story. I then also have this amazing motivation to do whatever I can within my power to help these beautiful, strong, resilient people. I do, however, consistently fail in my personal life when I’m kicking goals at work. Whether that be the fact that I haven’t vacuumed in weeks or that I was too tired because I stayed up too late reading blogs/perving at the beautiful peoples’ facebooks and envying their carefree lives to brush my teeth last night or turn off the light so I slept really badly and now my mouth feels like a garbage bin.
I never finish things. I am generally too afraid to start, but if I do I rarely get past half way. I move every 8-10 months and I’ve never held down a job past 15 months. That means though, that I’m pretty young but I’ve done some cool shit. When I tell stories about past lives people are super interested but that’s normality for me. I, however, feel so inferior compared to people with established careers, or cooler hobbies, or who own stuff because they committed to a mortgage, or have husbands/babies/wives, because that’s what I grew up believing normal was supposed to be, and what I should work towards even though I don’t want to because I know I’d hate it after a while and run away.
Anyway I’m getting super ranty, and tired, and I need to go brush my teeth now. If anything, at least maintain dental hygiene, I think that’s a success in itself. Plus, dentists suck (actually, that’s unfair, dental systems suck and we shouldn’t have to pay for it without government subsidies and I shouldn’t have to spend my life savings on having my wisdom teeth removed when I could go to Singapore and do it for way less, flights included. I know some super nice dentists though).
Let me join the chorus… It’s totally not just you. I generally feel OK – especially now that the meds have taken the edge off the depression – but I still regularly go to bed feeling like I’ve completely failed the day and I should have accomplished so much more and… yadda yadda yadda. A lot of what you said, only you said it much more eloquently than I seem capable of managing right now.
How many days per month do I feel successful? Maybe one. But there are only maybe one or two days that I feel like a failure. The rest I feel like I’m treading water, if that makes sense.
What do I do to feel successful? One thing that often works for me is having a specific, small goal that I want to achieve on one of my personal projects, and measuring success based on getting that done. The goal is always something small – basically, 15 minutes of work or so, even though I generally have a couple hours to spend. That way, I’ll almost always meet it if I put any effort at all in.
I also count TV time as productive time now, since I want to get back to writing stories, and the TV shows I watch are brilliant exercises in storytelling so by watching them I’m not slacking off, I’m researching… 🙂
First of all-you fucking things up is ten times more wonderful than the bland PTA moms who “have it all together”! They really don’t- but some of them are really good actors! And some people just have good hair or are willing to spend a lot more time doing things to it than we are. I think all humans are all trying to be superhuman and we beat ourselves up when we can’t accomplish the mammoth amount of things we put on our plate- often un-necessarily. We all, mentally ill or supposedly healthy, all of us have self doubt, insecurity and that feeling that we will never be good enough. Some of us just don’t have the societal filters to pretend or dissemble about that fact. And if we all were honest about it – like if I could say at work ” I’m just having a really bad day- feel like I can’t do anything right, but I can kick ass on this project if you let me table it until tomorrow” then we could do away with the negative self talk and embrace our human selves for the variable, wonderful and unique creatures we are. So today, I want you to tell yourself ,Jenny- ” I am a wonderful person- I am unique and that is good. I kick ass! And on days when I just need to hide my head- it just means that I am more self aware and honest than others and my sensitivity doesn’t always allow me to participate in the farce!” Or the short version- “Fuck it- I’m good!” Love you- you are never alone- we are all in this thing together, our tribe. And clearly, many many of us belong. Somedays, it feels like being a toddler in traffic, navigating this world as an adult, but we have this place to be real, even if for some it’s the only place- you made this place so for that, you are productive every day!
I feel ya Jenny, everyday I feel like I bit off more than I can chew and basically resent all the things I do trying to be a good person. Like why do “good” moms have to get up at 5:00am to get the kids to v-ball practice. WHAT THE HELL. I suffer from depression and rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia so everyday I feel so exhausted I can hardly move but still drag myself out of bed and go to work and run errands and cook and take care of my family…… And my very princess like father. I get horribly crabby and say things to my daughter like “your not going to eat all the fucking Funyuns” and then realize what an ass I am. I am horrible with money and bail on most social commitments…… But I have learned I cannot base my standards or accomplishments on other people or what I (I is the big word there) think they think of me. People will think what they want. You cannot base your expectations of yourself on how you see other people. And I think a lot people’s lives look better from the outside than the inside. I get up everyday and have to admit what I did wrong or what I can do better. But with that everyday I get up and set a new goal for myself, baby goals, tiny little goals. But I set myself up to win, things I know I can do that day. Even it it’s as simple as cleaning a little box. ONE something everyday that I know I did right. And it helps to find more things you do right. Also yoga or just a walk – when you can. It truly helps with anxiety and how we see ourselves it gets good chemicals moving that we need to feel better. I am not talking about full blown exercise. Just a little physical activity that helps removes some of the craziness that goes on in our heads.
Jenny, I feel like that all the time too. There was one sentence in your post that you should hang on to, and remember – “To make myself feel more successful I spend real time with my daughter every day, even if it’s just huddling under a blanket and watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV.”
That is enough. You are present for your child. All the shiny people…fuck them.
You. Are. Present.
PS. I took a survey of all the ‘adults’ in my life awhile back. I asked “Do you feel like a grown-up, because I don’t. I feel like a kid, running around faking it in the adult world. Am I crazy”? The consistent and overwehelming answer from damn near everyone I talked to was that they all felt like kids too. They all felt way younger and way less responsible than they thought they should be at the age they were at (age range 20-75 y/o). It was a real eye opener for me. I am not alone.
Neither are you.
Love ya. Carrie
Well, if the sheer number of these comments doesn’t say something…I tried to comment last might and the comments section wouldn’t even load!
I’ll go back an read others when I have time, but I wanted to say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in what you are feeling. I think anyone who is honest with themselves will admit to feeling like this sometimes. I think it’s just part of being human and also part of living in our Western society in this day and age. We are bombarded daily with messages about how we should look, where we should live, what clothes we should be wearing, how we should be doing our makeup and hair, how much sex we should be having and of what caliber, etc etc. It’s marketing. Not reality. I think reality is more those of us who don’t always have it all together or put up fronts.
People put on a show every day…including all those so-called perfect PTA moms…yuck…those type of women who look the look and seem to walk the walk are the ones who make me anxious and make me feel less than as well. But, I have a pretty good sense of self and I know what is important to me and I’m usually glad I’m not part of the cookie cutter world.
I also wanted to say that I have days where I have a lot of free time on my hands and I don’t know what to do and I find myself wishing it were a few hours later or tomorrow and I get so mad at myself for wishing away moments of a day that I will never get back.
The bottom line is that I think we all experience some of what you are saying.
I just read Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” and that concept is a good one for when we are feeling ashamed or afraid.
I’ll stop now…but THANKS FOR THIS, JENNY.
We are all pretending to he happy shiny people.
And every now and then…we are.
It’s definitely not just you Jenny.
Perhaps, it is the distorted glasses of anxiety, but most days I battle to believe that I have succeeded. Lately, it has gotten much better, and what I found helped was creating a very silly checklist with things that I needed to do each day, which included when I need to get up, taking my medication, meditation and the like.
Society seems to encourage us to constantly strive to be more, and I think it sometimes leads us to miss the point that we are human BEINGS not human DOINGs. I think the way forward is to work up to doing three things each day that matter to you.
Sometimes it’s difficult to find our song, but it is always there.
Lots of love to you and everyone Jenny.
You are so, so, so not alone in this at all!! Thank you for posting this, your words sounded like my own voice rattling around in my head. The worst part for me is that I am a social worker and I deal everyday with people who have all kinds of struggles and I’m supposed to be strong and smart and help them through when most of the time I’m worried that they will see what a fraud I am, that I’m more messed up than them! I take solice in the fact that each day I get through is a small victory and promise that tomorrow will be better, whether it is or not, well, I’ll deal with that tomorrow. A strong partner, a loving kid, a glass (or 4) of pinot grigio and Doctor Who have always helped too. Thank you Jenny for sharing your voice, I can’t tell you how many times your blog has cheered me up, calmed me down or just made me feel not so alone.
Jenny,
With all the comments, I hope you have time to read mine….
This is what SUCCESS means to me…. (setting the stage) Your in an old fashioned revival church, the preacher is at the pulpit in his long black robes, the choir is behind him ready to sing short bursts to emphasize the message.
He states “Being LOVED is the same as being SUCCESSFUL! Because being LOVED is all that matters!” (choir “Alleluia” )
“Love is what Jesus taught us to do. Loving one another, that’s what is needed. If someone LOVES YOU, then what else matters? If someone LOVES YOU, then it means you have made a difference in someones life. And that is a GLORIOUS thing” (choir “Glory”)
“Its so sad when someone thinks no one loves them any longer. When the demons take over and the lying depression sets in and tells them “Your not worthy” “Your a bad person” “Your better off no living” – that all just LIES. There is always SOMEONE that loves you. It may be the lady at the drive up window that looks forward to your Good Morning each day, thats love. It maybe that neighbor that you take their garbage out because you know they can’t, thats love. It maybe the lost soul reading your blog and their only laugh of the day is from your wit and humor, that’s love. So IGNORE those DEMONS, because that is SATIN trying to talk to you. If all else, know that Jesus loves you and he has people on this earth to show you love.” (choir “Alleluia”)
“So never think you have unsuccessful days. Never think you have wasted days. You have people who LOVE you, and your purpose is to grow that love and tell it HIGH on the MOUNTAIN! Can I get an AMEN” (choir “AMEN” and they break out into Go Tell it On the Mountain)……
—————————–
So Jenny, who love you – well you have your lovable and semi-crazy Dad and Mom. You have your sister and her family. Victor – now did you ask Victor this question you posted here? From reading your book and your blog – I think his idea of success might not be main stream either. Then there is Haley – your greatest success ever. She loves you and will always love you. And then think of your friends – – they love you.
And now your huge on-line set of groupies – we love you. And you are the one person I look forward to each time you post. So, that is success because you have impacted my life in a positive way. You spread smiles across the miles. (so that was an awful joke – that’s why you wrote and published a book and I just post responses to blogs…)
So – don’t think what the ‘main stream’ society measures for success as the truth. As we know, ‘main stream’ would not think everyone is beautiful but you and I know better. They are!!!! And we should all put our RED DRESSES on and Flaunt it!!!!!
If I could go find the HIGHEST MOUNTAIN – I would go TELL IT TO THE WORLD – JENNY is a BIG HUGH SUCESS as am I, because we are LOVED…..
You made it to the bank?! I need a week of psyching myself up to do that.
I’d say there’s two lines of attack against an anxiety disorder. First, there’s CBT and meds and other ways of trying to Cure It.
Second, you need to stop being harsh on yourself for BEING anxious, and for the resulting chaos in your life. This takes a lot of work and a kind of mental ju-jitsu, but is so worth it. Refusing to forgive myself held up my recovery from a very bad state by about 7 years!
Until fairly recently, I’d say I averaged about 3-4 HOURS of feeling tolerably successful, dispersed across a month of various degrees of self-loathing. Doesn’t help that I’m spectacularly short on worldly success- single, marginally employed, and the only thing I’ve got going for me there is I’m pretty damn good at writing songs. Which Doesn’t Count, ‘cos discounting is a bitch.
Recently (the last 8 months or so)- like you, I feel positively good about myself maybe 2-5 days a month. The rest of the time I mostly feel a kind of amused tolerance towards myself. Still get panic attacks, still get the odd short burst of depressed self hate, but somehow I don’t care as much. Things what ‘ave changed:
1. A really good therapist-type-guy who goes by experience, empathy and common sense instead of the CBT manual.
2. Sorting out my sleep patterns. (I used one of those light therapy lamps which fades down in the evening and up in the morning on a timer.)
3. Got heavily into Mindfulness (using a self-help book by Mark Williams and Danny Penman). This is a really good approach if you have trouble “seeing yourself correctly.”
Hope this and the other 2,500 replies are some help!
Oh, and? Shiny + pretty = shitty.
As I’m typing this, there are 2643 comments, which is 2643 more people reading what you do more than I have. Regarding your statement “They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. ” Ok, those people are on Lithium. And how do you know they don’t have their electricity turned off? People lie. Alot. My theory is that those diagnosed with depression are the people who are just more honest with their feelings than those who consider themselves ‘normal’.
The only person I can say who regularly ‘appears’ to kick the shit out of a day is Tony Robbins, and quite frankly who wants to be him? He has to walk over hot coals all the time (he’ll never have a pedicure worth anything) AND his teeth are too big. Who needs that?
My personal failure is centered around my inability to understand and help my husband, who also suffers (and that is SUCH an appropriate word) from depression and ADD. For him, you have to add paranoia to the mix. Everything and everybody is out to get him. Because it’s personal. If a bird shits on the sidewalk he just cleared of grass clipping – it’s because HE just swept.
I’m okay with myself at work, where I’m successful in my career, but oh mah holy hell – why can’t I fix him and feel like a success in my personal life? That’s 365 days a year. Except Leap Years, then you can add 1.
So, I guess I’m trying to say that you’ve just helped me – immensely – to understand a bit more about what is inside his head – and if that helps today be a successful day for you – take that comfort. XOXOXOXOXO
Jenny, you already have more comments than you can probably read, but hereis something I know……..you find out that everyone is crazy once you know them well enough. Some have perfected that “looking perfectly normal” thing, and it takes a lot of effort to make it look easy. We are all flawed, and that’s just o-fucking-k. Try your best to believe that, and know that the contributions you do make have helped more people than you know, despite your struggles. Be nicer to yourself, and tell the mean voices to shut up – they have NO VALUE. See if you can counter them with some nice voices that carry swords and spikes of Jenny Protection.
I know that there are people that comment every day. I am here every day but comment rarely. But this hit home. All too much. You see I am starting to believe that i can never just be. I am so critical of my work, my parenting, my very existence that each day is hell. At work I fret about being fired every day. In parenting, I feel like I was given these beautiful, precious wild creatures that I just fuck up with yelling and stress and I can never just be spontaneous and fun ( and yay, now I have a third on the way to fuck up – sigh). Every day is a cycle of misery and worry and I have no one to talk to. I am surrounded by people who are either perfect or lying to themselves. And thus lying to me. My significant other seems to only tolerate me. I work 9+ hours a day at a job I hate. I drop my precious angels off at an overpriced daycare where no one seems to even like children. I rush home to cook – which I hate – and which no one appreciates and the kids don’t even eat. So I get an hour with my kids before they are off to bed. Every day blows. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. But I force a smile while meanwhile inside I am dying. So, no, you are not alone. And I wish so much I had answers for you and for me….
I’m pretty sure (from what I’ve read) that if you were on the PTA you’d probably jump across the table and beat up one of those “perfect” moms for some stupid comment or “get togetherness” that she suggested. Remember that even if you see people on social media with “perfect lives” it’s only a snap shot of their life…they have the same unwashed hair, which bill do I pay, my husband is cheating with his secretary, I want to leave my kids at an orphanage and claim I was a good citizen and saw them and picked them up to drop them off here on my way to feed homeless people (but not really I need alone time with the Captain), it’s just people can make people see what they want to see but behind the close doors they feel the same way you feel in your post…so no compliments…I probably go through the same thing every other hour depending on the day and what event is going on. If only we all could live like Sabrina the Teenage Witch! :-0
Dear Jenny, you are not alone.
I have only realized in recent years that I have depression. I spent most of my life thinking I was just lazy. I have never been diagnosed, but I read a lot and one day it dawned on me that the utter debilitation I feel is far more than simple laziness. I was raised by an alcoholic who was diagnosed manic depressive (before they changed it to bipolar disorder) and she spent quite a lot of time self-medicating. When I was a teenager I became pretty self –destructive, I became a cutter. I couldn’t sleep unless I had a razor under my pillow. I played games of chicken with cigarettes and I always won. But I wasn’t doing drugs and I didn’t drink very much and I wasn’t a teenage mom so for the longest time I just assumed I was a product of my upbringing and congratulated myself on not being an alcoholic drug addict. I don’t know if depression is a degenerative disease, but I feel that it has gained a stronger hold on my life as the years pass. This is probably due more to the fact that I gain responsibilities and add years to my age without really accomplishing anything. I have a nine-year-old son that I am raising alone which causes no end anxiety so there’s a big chunk of stress all on its own even without additional features like depression and poverty.
I like to consider myself a strong, independent, iron-willed person. I am fairly certain that I project that image more often than not. My current career-which I waited far too long to choose but hey better late than never- is very demanding. I work as a seasonal wildland firefighter so I have to be tough and I try to be strong. I have never really had anyone take care of me; I took care of my drunken mother from a young age so I don’t accept help from people easily. I am strong, I am woman, hear me roar! Despite walking around with a swagger when I have my boots on, I spend every moment second guessing myself. I am terrified that I am going to raise my son with the same lack of direction that I endured. I wonder constantly what people really see when they look at me. I don’t have many friends because I have a terrible time connecting with people but every time one of my friends pays me a compliment all I can think is ‘oh good, the farce is working, they think I’m functional’.
The days when I get to feel accomplished and productive are few and far between. I start days with such grand ideas. I am going to organize my life and cook all these meals and actually do some of these hundreds of things I’ve pinned! I whip out my notebook and plan menus and make grocery lists and get inspired. Most of the time I even go shopping and buy all the things on my miracle shopping list. I get home and put all my acquisitions away and still feel great. But then I start to lose momentum and decide that I deserve some time to watch a TV show or read a chapter before I get started on my new lifestyle. But while I am reading the back of my mind is constantly nagging, telling me I have taken on too much and I need to wait and think about this some more and is that even a good meal anyway? It doesn’t even have a side dish what the hell were you thinking, this is never going to work. And on it goes and the food sits and rots in my fridge until I am finally forced to throw it out in shame.
I do the same with my son as you do with your daughter. I try to make sure I spend real quality time with him every day, especially since I started working as a seasonal because I am gone five to six months at a time during the summer. I make him promises because I would rather die than break a promise to him, to force myself to get up and get out and do things. Sometimes I am so low that I bend or rearrange the terms of the promise but I try so hard not to break it. The boy is amazing, he is so understanding. I have tried to explain that sometimes I just have trouble but I’ll be better soon. He is the greatest, I don’t know how I would ever deal with this without him since he is the force that gets me moving every day but at the same time I hate that he has to deal with a mother that can’t even handle minimal existence. How the hell will I ever get him through adolescence or prepare him for real life if I can’t handle it myself?
This summer, I was amazed to discover that a very desirable boy found me interesting. I dismissed the interest at first, chalking it up to a drunken night at a bar. But he persisted while sober and continued to show interest for two months. Every time he called me and every moment we spent together I spent wondering what the hell he was doing with me. Why on earth was he talking to me??? He lives far away, I live in New Mexico and work in South Dakota, he lives in Missouri which is about a million and a half miles away from anywhere I am. When it was time for him to go home I assumed that was that, he was going to go back to his real life and never think about me again. I assumed he was only interested in me because I was one of few options available- there are two other girls in my workplace, one has a boyfriend and one is rather…undesirable… But he is still calling me and even says he misses me. Rather than simply enjoying what could be the start of something good, I wonder and wait for the day when he doesn’t call. I think, he can’t possibly be seeing the real me, he is only seeing the façade and the moment I slip and let him see the crazy underneath that is the real me he will run fast and far.
I end every day thinking, ‘Shit. I’m fucking shit up.’ I feel like the days when I barely accomplish the basics of existing are the good days. You say treading water, I say I am drowning.
Finding you has been an enormous support. Finding Allie Brosch has been an enormous support. Dear god there are others out there like me! When it starts to get bad, before it hits the point of no return I can sometimes drive it back by reminding myself that Depression Lies. I had never heard that before I read your blog. It helps. It helps a lot sometimes. The most important thing I have discovered about myself through all of this is that despite everything, it turns out that I am an eternal optimist. When I lie down at night and drive myself crazy reflecting on all the ways I failed and all the ways I fucked shit up, I remind myself that tomorrow is another chance to get it right. My life philosophy is to try to make every day a little better than the day before. And if I don’t manage that today, I swear to myself that I will do it tomorrow.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow.
It isn’t just you.
–Star
PS. It occurs to me that the fantastic things we see on Pinterest or from the PTA moms or from those ‘perfect’ parents are only snapshots of their reality. I do the same thing, I post the pics of the cool shit I’ve done or the awesome things I’ve created. I never show pics of me crying in the shower (not that there would ever be a pic of that to post) or laying in bed for three days having a Doctor Who uber marathon. The pretty pastel lives may not be as dark as ours under a cloud of depression but they are not as bright as you think they are. We are all just people and that means we all have dark days. Soccer moms have dirty kitchen floors and unwashed hair from time to time also.
PPS. Also, please know that even on your worst days, even when you are hiding under the covers in the closet and find yourself utterly nonfunctional, please know that you have absolutely accomplished something. You have reached out and touched thousands of people and let them know without a doubt that they are not alone. You told me that Depression Lies. I wouldn’t have known that without you.
It’s me again because I have a lot to say. The other thing too is when you have a social disorder and for whatever reason you are no longer part of the outside of home workforce world you have much more time to get lost in your own head. You have MUCH more time to drown there. And that is when those hateful, sinister, evil voices and thoughts get much LOUDER. Try volunteering, see if you can find and animal rescue that needs help. You would be surprised. It’s a lot less people and many animals to love but it’s an escape for awhile.
Problem: IDEAL WOMAN SITS ON YOUR SHOULDER and tells you everything you should be and quickly points out everything you are not.
Solution: KILL THE BITCH. Another problem- that crazy ideal woman bitch is actually you.
It doesn’t matter if I have a mental illness or not, if I take meds or not, or if I have a best selling book or not. What does matter is that I have discovered this crazy ideal women who sits on my shoulder, lives in my head, and is the most judgmental bitch I know. I would never be friends with her. I would never work with this woman. If I met her in a coffee shop, I would run away from her as quickly as possible. The problem is she is me- or at least this ideal woman I created. She makes me miserable. She tells me I’m terrible because I don’t pack lunch for my boys. She criticizes me for wanting and needing 7-8 hours of sleep every night, because according to her with only 4 hours of sleep I could accomplish so much more. I should be a sexier wife. I should read more with my 9 year old. I’m inadequate at work. I can go on forever.
From the outside, I probably appear shiny and glossy, tall and thin, well dressed and smiling, successful and happy. I’m probably one of those moms that other moms point their finger and whisper “oh she has everything and has it all figured out- what a bitch.” But deep down, like you, I live in a constant feeling of failure.
Many people are commenting that they feel similarly and that you are not alone. Truly, you are not alone. If you are like me, you hear voices CONSTANTLY. The shower curtain says to me- I’m fucking filthy- why haven’t you washed me? My desk says- you lazy bitch- why haven’t you sorted the mail yet? The granite is pissed because it’s covered in dried milk in cereal. Can you believe I listen to my fucking granite SCREAMING AT ME? That is what makes wine so wonderful. It hushes the voices just a little.
My only saving grace is my determination to change that ri-god-damn-diculous ideal woman. I created her from my mother, my mother in law, my friends, this unrealistic cultural pedestal for woman, my entire life and exposure has played a part. I’ve decided to take control of the lunatic, grab her by the hair and tell her to shut the fuck up. It’s not easy because she’s a determined force. I’m trying to reshape my definition of success and failure. Ironically, like you, I feel like I’m even fucking this up. I should be working right now, not commenting on a blog. But at least the awareness of this crazy woman has given me some peace. I’m working hard to remove the “I should…” from my vocabulary realizing some benefits of my ideal woman are my accomplishments. She just needs to be kept in check. Sometimes a brutal hockey style check. And sometimes just a bottle of wine kind of check.
Not sure if you will read, but my wish is it will be helpful to someone. Be well.
SRJ
Just in case you do actually read this…
No one else can make you like yourself, make you believe in yourself or make you trust yourself. Only you can do this. I have bipolar manic depression, plus this, that and the other things. Been on the meds, been in the therapy, done it all. I have been saying affirmations since I was 17 years old (I am 30 now). I go through periods where I am kick ass. Then (silly bipolar) I am a complete failure at life. But I get up every morning, look in the mirror, look myself in the eye, and remind myself who I am, what I have done and will do. If my greatest accomplishment of the day was getting out of bed, well, GO ME! I try very hard to not judge myself by what I perceive that others do. I know that the challenge for me is to get out of bed, to get to work, to make small talk with the random people. If I do then, YAY! I WIN! I beat that nasty depression, anxiety and mania. I have noticed that the people who have time to judge others lead really boring and soulless lives. The people I want to be friends with are dealing with too much of their own shit to judge me about doing or not doing something. Be proud that you made it to the bank. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of bed. You go, girl!
I am totally awesome about three days a month. I get by about twenty three days a month. And four or five days a month I totally suck. You are helping so many more people than those “perfect hair” assholes that it is incomprehensible. You kick ass on the days you suck. The days that you kick ass, you kick ass on the entire fucking world.
GREETINGS!! I go by Awesomely Over-Zealous!
WELCOME to the beautiful society in which we coexist!! Your post resonates with me as we share the same sentiment on several counts. I am also “messed” up on a various range of notions; prone to depression, severe social anxiety my entire life, and a hypersomniac are my main ailments but it could be worse. I think the only thing that salvages my thoughts from spiraling into a whirlwind of negativity is keeping the mindset that somewhere, someone on this planet is suffering WAY more than I. I think being grateful does more for your state of mind than being proud of your accomplishments, probably something linked to humility. It is the little things in life that we should appreciate and be grateful for; not the shiny, not the pretty, not the expensive. I manage my anxiety every second of everyday with positive thoughts and knowing that I’m not perfect and no one expects me to be. You do the best YOU can for YOUR family and yourself, that’s it. If you went to the bank: ROUND OF APPLAUSE. You went. You took the initiative to get out of the house, drive, interact, and complete a task. It is only 8:50 AM and I am proud that I came to work on time and managed to eat a healthy breakfast. So if nothing else happens today, I completed my main initiatives; which was to GET UP and for someone with a sleep disorder, that is a challenge. Hoorah!
P.S.: Be mindful of the medications you’re putting into your body, they’re great temporary solutions to the issues but over time the effects plateau and the body doesn’t respond to them anymore leading to two results: 1) increase in dosage or 2) changing medications. Ive been on that road where they keep adding medications and suddenly my memory started going down to shit. Since you’re engaging in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) the plan should be to take you off medications in the long-term; it is a very effective form of therapy. ?
P.P.S: If your thoughts REALLY start to fuck with you, listen to them and meditate. It helps slow the world down. Acknowledge them and let them go. We’re alive, we have limbs, we can breathe, we have amazing kids, and we have food… the little things make life amazing.
After 2600 some odd posts, I’m sure anything I say here will be redundant at best. But I’ll still put in my two cents worth. We all struggle with something, and those who say they don’t are lying. To us or to themselves, it doesn’t really matter. What DOES matter, is keeping on with the good fight. Let your victories BE your victories and don’t discount them, what ever they may be. So what if your victory isn’t my victory. It turns around, too. My victory isn’t something you necessarily have to struggle against at all. You do some pretty amazing things.
not likely you will see this, as there are a LOT of comments and those I have seen and read, you gave hit a nerve. You ARE NOT ALONE.
I am an old lady. I have been around awhile. I have those crappy thoughts, my daughter can get crippled by those shitty shadow voices. It’s epidemic. I fear it’s just a human trait.
I have found that if those naggy demon voices that bombard our psyche were embodied in a real live, walking around person, it would be a very bad case of domestic abuse. So to that end, if they were relly in my life I would at the endpoint tell them to “Just shut the fuck up already. I got it, you are an asshole. And I am DONE listening to you and you may no longer make me feel bad. So take a fucking hike.
Try it, t helps ALOT.
Cheers and courage in locking the beasties up.
A lot of people have been sucked into the mass marketing that life is meant to be a series of achievements, success etc Those of us who are awake see that life is full of uncertainty, and none of it means anything. Anxiety and depression are normal healthy responses to the reality of life. You just have to be intelligent enough to see it. Get comfortable with that, and you’re free. x
I know what you mean. I think for me I really started feeling like this when I became a mom. As much as you do for your kids you always feel like you can do more, or you’re still not doing enough, especially when you see those moms that volunteer for everything and seem to be super awesome at absolutely anything they do. I’ve always got a list of things in my mind that I “should” be doing. And by the way, if you never write another book, I think I could read yours at least 10 more times and still be highly entertained, so don’t worry about it 🙂
I haven’t got depression, a bit of anxiety once in a while, but nothing major or out of the ordinary, and not enough to be on meds. I kick ass maybe once a week if I’m lucky. The rest of the time I’m pretty much just treading water and consider it a victory that I haven’t drowned by the end of the day.
So yeah, you’re doing ok.
Oh and those perfect, together ones? They look good but they don’t have it together any more than the rest of us do.
Days per month feel like a success = 0
What makes it worse? Success. I have discovered that when I pour my heart and soul into a project, I am successful daily, the people notice, have expectations, then I end up having some mental collapse before I finish whatever project I am working on.
To feel more successful I try to focus on accomplishing the basics and try to remember that I don’t particularly like being what some people consider successful.
Clearly, you are not alone…And add me to the company you keep. It is an everyday battle, and I feel like it is one I am constantly losing. I have no words of wisdom for you because I am caught in the same quagmire. Sorry. But at least you are reassured that it is not “just you.” Hope that’s worth something.
Thanks for being so honest and raw–you can tell by the comments here that we appreciate that and that your being that way helps others be the same. <3
Depression LIES!
You are not alone. I am not alone. All of us here, we are not alone.
I often feel like a failure because I don’t want the things I’m supposed to want (a high power job, piles of money, kids, piles of money). So not only do I feel down about not having these things, I feel bad about not wanting these things. You would think I’d be happy that I have great friends, loads of free time, mornings in bed with my partner, and enough money to meet our needs and then a bit more. And I am, I really am. But at the same time I feel like a failure for not wanting the things that I’m “supposed to.” Like I’m letting my ADD take the wheel and let me be an underachiever because it’s easier, even though I logically know that I would be miserable working 60+ hours a week and/or raising a child.
All that to say, thanks for creating this space where we can band together and see that we’re normal (in our own kinda weird, but totally awesome way) and that we’re not alone.
When I was 25, I had a marvelous conversation with a lady who worked at a university in Montreal. I was managing a conference at the school, and she was my point-person for on-site logistics. Language barrier aside, we sorted out the last minute demands, A/V failures, missed shuttles and all the other things that go wrong when you’re hosting an academic conference. She was about 10 years older than, married with three young sons, and had exhausted yet cheerful eyes.
I snuck outside during a session for a cigarette, and she joined me a few minutes later. I gave her the shamefaced smile of being caught in weakness, two kinds of escape in one moment. I halfheartedly offered her my pack, and she took one and brought out her own lighter. We laughed and sat on the concrete steps, smoking in silence. “I’m going to quit smoking when this conference is over,” I finally said. She searched for the English to reply, “Yes, well, I’m going to have, um, l’enfant? Bebe?” “You’re pregnant? Congratulations!” I said. She smiled in the way of someone who is perpetually tired. “So now, yes, I should quit, too. But, the life … it is hard!”
The life, it is hard.
I’ve come back to that simple statement over and over. I stopped beating myself up over needing anxiety meds, unfolded laundry, dirty toilets, and saying, “no, sorry, I can’t volunteer/PTA/coach/meet that deadline/lose 20 pounds/make a swan costume. I understand that’s not the answer you wanted to hear from me, and I’m sorry to disappoint.” But the life — it is hard. Some days, we get points just for breathing in and out. I don’t need to be awesome. I just need to be.
The secret is, 99.9% of those shiny PTA people are faking it too. Yes we all know the super organized ones who are horrified that they missed one single permission slip, or their daughter’s braid was crooked, but the rest of them? are barely holding it together too. If you’re the one with your slip showing, those imagined sneers are masking the relief the other moms feel on the inside that it’s not just them.
Ask yourself, if your assessment at the end of the day is it, if this is your final score, and it really is that bad, so what? own it. be proud of it. suck fantastically.
BTW the most I used to bother was sending in the $5 PTA envelope. Last year I was mortified after I begged one of the PTA moms to call me for the next something-or-other, when she finally did, I had to decline and say no. I stopped bothering to send in the stupid envelope. stopped pretending to listen intently when walking by (not into, just passing by) the PTA meeting. they seem to be getting along fine without me.
You are not alone. Trust me. Those PTA mom’s that look all shiny, you don’t know what’s behind the veneer. As you can see on all the previous posts to mine, many women feel inadequate, feel like not getting out of bed in the morning, and don’t get around to washing their hair. I’m an “at work” mom, and there are tonnes of days that I feel like I’ve completely let EVERYONE down.
What I want you to remember is this: You are wonderful. You share so plainly your experiences & challenges, that you are HELPING tonnes of other women. Women like you, who feel alone, and feel that they are the only ones experience this type of pain.
I wish you all the best in this journey, and a huge hug. Because you are NOT alone.
Don’t know if you’ll even get to the 2,659th comment… but here’s my two-cents…
I feel “good” about 10 days out of the month, on average. Not bragging by any means. Most other days, I feel as tho getting out of bed was my major accomplishment. Those days, I try to baby myself – take it easy at work (I don’t have a very strenuous job, so it’s not hard to do this), throw a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner, watch Jeopardy while playing with the cat, etc. My husband MAKES me talk it out with him, and while I fight it most of the time, it always helps in the end.
I’ve got little project all over the place too. I started sewing when baking (aka: eating) got boring. I have half-finished pieces everywhere, but it keeps it interesting.
Biggest fear right now? I’m going to be a mother in 3 months. Terrifying. I just want to be better for the kiddo.
I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anything, but I totally get most of what you are saying. The important thing to remember is that those people you think have it all together… well they don’t. They are plastic people. That is to say they “look all shiny and great” from the outside but inside, nothing is there. There is no substance to it. I truly believe that they have most of the same problems, but they just hide it better than we do. I’ve witnessed many occasions where the curtain is pulled away and I see behind the scenes and their lives are just as screwed up as mine or sometimes even more. And when this happens they usually have a total melt down because all they have to cling to is that appearance of perfection. My house may be messy… my garage may still have boxes in it from the move before last (and I’ve lived in my current house for 15 years… I may not be a member of the PTA… and I may procrastinate till the absolute last minute and then run around like an idiot trying to get 99 things done when I only have time for 5 tops, but you know what I, like you, spend some quality time with my kids that I think will mean much more to them in the future than the fact that all the dishes were done each night before bed and the laundry hamper was always empty while the closets were always full. I try to play board games with my kids at least once a week and I try to read to them when they want me to (I have a 20 year old daughter who still asks me to read to her sometimes) and those things mean much more as far as I’m concerned that all the rest of the crap that the plastic people try to accomplish everyday. And even when I don’t accomplish the game night for a couple weeks in a row, or I’m busy on one of my make-up days trying to accomplish the 99 things and can’t read aloud when they ask , I know deep down I’m doing my best and further more I know my kids know it too, and appreciate it. The older ones have told me so before.
I don’t know if this helps you or not. But your posts always help the rest of us, who definitely are dealing with the same things, because other than your depression and anxiety, the rest of what you wrote just sounds completely normal to me. That’s life! And the feelings of not being enough or of not doing enough… I think all “normal” people have them. Some people (the plastic ones) just try to hide it from the rest of us.
Me too. What makes it worse for me is that the shame I carry about it is such that I can’t even write in my friend-locked LiveJournal that maybe 6 people read. Which is why I erased the rest of what I was going to write here, even though I know that out of all these comments no one will notice it.
Well, it may not have been your intent but this post is exactly what I needed this week. I’ve been feeling the exact same way. I stopped working full time to be with my kids, and honestly because the stress was making me unbearable for my family. My baby just started Kindergarten, and now it’s time for me to get back out there full time. In the meantime, however, I feel I’m failing miserable at meeting expectations of being home. My home isn’t spotless, I’m not really a cook, and even though both of my kids are now out of the house most of the day-when they get home sometimes I need a break immediately! But, like you said, there are days when I am on top of stuff. I’m shocking myself with all that I am accomplishing and things seem to fall into place. Some days it’s easy to say eff it, and other days it’s easy to put myself down like no one else could. You’re right, also, that the compliments aren’t really helpful. I mean it’s nice to have support, but not everyone sees the lazy not so stellar moments, and so it’s harder to take the compliment when “you” know the “truth”! I guess the cool thing is that there are many like us out there. We do the best we can. Some days we’re Superheroes, other days we are super at guzzling down our choice of alcohol and our favorite junk food! I’m with ya sistah! We are going to make it, one way or another!
Sweet girl, you are what every real mom is: just trying to stay alive to be there for your child one more day. When you accomplish this, you’ve succeeded all you need to. We all judge ourselves to an extreme that we would never put up with for anyone else.
I hope you can see that there are thousands of people who feel just like you, who really only feel like they kicked ass a handful of days each month. In reality, every day that you have loved your family and let yourself feel anything at all, you’ve rocked that day and told it to suck it.
You know, you also have accomplished something else, helping to build a community of people who want the best for you and for each other. That is no fraudulent thing. <3
Jenny,
I posted yesterday but I remembered something today. I went to see you when you did your book signings in Montclair, NJ and later that week at New Media Expo in NYC. I remember sitting outside of that bookstore feeling nervous. What if you weren’t the “real” person you were in your blog and your book? In other words, what if you were actually one of those shiny people who have it all together and the words I related to so strongly were just a fiction to entertain people?
When you came in to the book store, you were…well…YOU! 🙂
You were the same, real, inspiring, courageous, sharing person we all know and love from this blog. And it was wonderful to see you being that real person.
Had you been all shiny and perfect–had you been one of “those” people–you wouldn’t have been “you.”
Thank you for being you.
GREETINGS!! I go by Awesomely Over-Zealous!
WELCOME to the beautiful society in which we coexist!! Your post resonates with me as we share the same sentiment on several counts. I am also “messed” up on a various range of notions; prone to depression, severe social anxiety my entire life, and a hypersomniac are my main ailments but it could be worse. I think the only thing that salvages my thoughts from spiraling into a whirlwind of negativity is keeping the mindset that somewhere, someone on this planet is suffering WAY more than I. I think being grateful does more for your state of mind than being proud of your accomplishments, probably something linked to humility. It is the little things in life that we should appreciate and be grateful for; not the shiny, not the pretty, not the expensive. I manage my anxiety every second of everyday with positive thoughts and knowing that I’m not perfect and no one expects me to be. You do the best YOU can for YOUR family and yourself, that’s it. If you went to the bank: ROUND OF APPLAUSE. You went. You took the initiative to get out of the house, drive, interact, and complete a task. It is only 8:50 AM and I am proud that I came to work on time and managed to eat a healthy breakfast. So if nothing else happens today, I completed my main initiatives; which was to GET UP and for someone with a sleep disorder, that is a challenge. Hoorah!
P.S.: Be mindful of the medications you’re putting into your body, they’re great temporary solutions to the issues but over time the effects plateau and the body doesn’t respond to them anymore leading to two results: 1) increase in dosage or 2) changing medications. Ive been on that road where they keep adding medications and suddenly my memory started going down to shit. Since you’re engaging in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) the plan should be to take you off medications in the long-term; it is a very effective form of therapy. ?
P.P.S: If your thoughts REALLY start to fuck with you, listen to them and meditate. It helps slow the world down. Acknowledge them and let them go. We’re alive, we have limbs, we can breathe, we have amazing kids, and we have food… the little things make life amazing.
Dear Jenny,
Goodness, you are so normal you might be boring. Ever since I “found” your blog (totally surfing for shoes), I’ve been amazed at how the humor and despair mesh so well. Everything is normal, except for the staying in bed: that’s the depression. Most everybody else you look at feels the same and grinds away a bit more enamel when they think, “Man, SHE has it more together. What’s my problem?” My mother would tell me to take a walk, look at the trees, listen to the birds– anything to get out my own head. When you feel like you’re not doing enough, do less, and do it like you mean it. Thanks for the blog and the book. Loueta Chickadaunce
GREETINGS!! I go by Awesomely Over-Zealous!
WELCOME to the beautiful society in which we coexist!! Your post resonates with me as we share the same sentiment on several counts. I am also “messed” up on a various range of notions; prone to depression, severe social anxiety my entire life, and a hypersomniac are my main ailments but it could be worse. I think the only thing that salvages my thoughts from spiraling into a whirlwind of negativity is keeping the mindset that somewhere, someone on this planet is suffering WAY more than I. I think being grateful does more for your state of mind than being proud of your accomplishments, probably something linked to humility. It is the little things in life that we should appreciate and be grateful for; not the shiny, not the pretty, not the expensive. I manage my anxiety every second of everyday with positive thoughts and knowing that I’m not perfect and no one expects me to be. You do the best YOU can for YOUR family and yourself, that’s it. If you went to the bank: ROUND OF APPLAUSE. You went. You took the initiative to get out of the house, drive, interact, and complete a task. It is only 8:50 AM and I am proud that I came to work on time and managed to eat a healthy breakfast. So if nothing else happens today, I completed my main initiatives; which was to GET UP and for someone with a sleep disorder, that is a challenge. Hoorah!
P.S.: Be mindful of the medications you’re putting into your body, they’re great temporary solutions to the issues but over time the effects plateau and the body doesn’t respond to them anymore leading to two results: 1) increase in dosage or 2) changing medications. Ive been on that road where they keep adding medications and suddenly my memory started going down to shit. Since you’re engaging in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) the plan should be to take you off medications in the long-term; it is a very effective form of therapy. ?
P.P.S: If your thoughts REALLY start to fuck with you, listen to them and meditate. It helps slow the world down. Acknowledge them and let them go. We’re alive, we have limbs, we can breathe, we have amazing kids, and we have food… the little things make life amazing.
You are not alone. I do not suffer from depression (thankfully, just some anxiety issues) and I am cosntantly amazed at the amount of people that get out of bed get cleaned up and out the door on a weekend. Here’s the thing, all those people who have it together? Really don’t. On the outside it may appear as thought their lives are hunky dorry but I bet if you got a close look on the inside there are just as many messes as you have. Everyone is struggling like you and are afraid that you’ll find out they are the true frauds.
You’re not alone, but I think the pretty pastel people are the imposters, not you who is just doing her best every day. I think even the pinterest moms and PTA moms and the supermoms and everyone else still has their cobwebs and secrets and struggles. They can just fake it better. This is me, “and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last.” -I mean, literally every thing on that list I am unable to accomplish on a regular basis. So what, it’s the best I can do. I feel successful about 1 day a week, but that’s not so bad. Here it is Friday and the week got by me once again, but I got a lot done a few days ago. eh. it’s the best I can do, anything more is a bonus for me. Keep at it momma.
As an aspiring author, I feel successful zero days a month. When someone writes a review or purchases a copy it makes me happy, but it doesn’t feel like success.
The place you are in now is so far above so many people that if you are not successful, no one is.
First of all, you have so many comments that you wouldn’t be able to read them all, so you do connect with people. That is not a small feat.
As for the rest of it, we all feel like we suck. All of us. The ones that don’t are just insane. Unfortunately, we don’t think that anyone else sucks as much as we do, so we try our best to hide it. Which makes everyone else think we are perfect, which makes them feel worse. What a vicious cycle!
Recently there has been a flood of posts about this on the interwebs. I have read many articles about how imperfect most of us actually are. They make me feel better about things. As a single mommy of a 10 month old that spends all day teaching other people’s 5 year olds trust me, I need all the positive encouragement I can get.
Clearly everyone feels the pressure to make it count since we are all going to die. I have the opposite coping mechanism from you however, and that shit does not smell like roses either. The more I feel the depression/anxiety beast looming, the more active I become. I can’t even sit through dinner with my kids. I am a spazz-monkey on crack and no amount of concerta can slow me down, moo hoo ha ha ha!! But at the end of the day, I’m still like “What the fuck the happened? What did I do all day?” Because, as you know, even if you are working and doing something all day long, with ADHD it still means you started 4000 projects and finished none of them. (Oh! I’ll do the laundr. . . ooo, something shiny!) So, there is no perfect solution and I think the fact that we WANT to do our best counts for a lot. Also, the most important thing for mothers like us is to keep in mind that the more fucked up we are (as long as we have the key desire of WANTING to do the best for our kids), the better our kids turn out! Seriously. Have you met people who grew up in functional families? Booooooring!! And they can’t handle interacting with anyone who isn’t Wonder Bread like them. OUR kids will be much more interesting, funny, and open hearted. Suck on that, Martha-Stewart-PTO-bitches! Also, by embracing our dysfunctional, inefficient selves, we make our friends and loved ones feel so much better about themselves! For example, I never clean up before a friend comes over, because then they can think “Holy shit! I thought my house was a mess, look at this shit-hole! Man, I kick ass at house keeping!” Also, people who have perfect mothers hate their mothers, because they can never measure up. Our kids are going to feel like SO great about themselves when they grow up and accomplish so much more and we’ll be there with our unwashed hair and mismatched socks and pill box to cheer them on and give them unconditional love and they will be SO happy! We rock!
You know how depression lies? So does Facebook and Pinterest and Twitter. They lie through their teeth.
No one’s actually has their shit together. Life is a constant feeling like you’re running to catch a train .. except it’s not like a train you may miss if you don’t hurry. No it’s a fuckin’ train that left the station ten minutes ago.
I use to be proud I had my shit together. Or so I thought. I was actually just proud that people thought I had my shit together. Company I worked for went belly up and I found myself locked in the bathroom crying in a dry tub because my panic attacks had turned into agoraphobia and I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house to go on an interview. It was awful.
Everyone just tries to cover-up all that awful with pretty pictures on social media and vague updates about how amazing their lives are. It’s all an illusion (because tricks are what whores do for money.) That’s not to say at times life can’t be and isn’t amazing and wonderful, but we’ve all got a lot of dust to sweep under the rug before guests arrive and see how not perfect we are.
Jenny Dearest:
So plenty of people have posted, but I’ll jump in too! I’m a long time adorer, first time commenter (hi!).
Here’s me: PhD in English, lecturer at a university, husband who makes more money than I do, 2 kids, 6 and 8, cat who is allergic to humans. Generally middling-to-happy, TOTAL IMPOSTER.
I finished my doctorate in 2000. In the 13 years since then, I’ve never managed to believe that they actually meant to let me get my degree–I am thoroughly, 100% convinced that my committee just took pity on me because they liked me. The 7+ years of grad school before that? I was terrified of the admin assistant for the grad program, because I was convinced if I got on her radar and she remembered my name, she’d figure out that I was supposed to get a rejection letter instead of being accepted. I love my kids, but I still wake up every day feeling like “what? I had kids? Who the hell thought I’d be good at this?”
Those people at the pta meetings? They’re imposters too. Everybody has some level of this shit. Some people are just blessed/cursed with less self-awareness about it. You? You probably have more of it than average, because of all the shit you are juggling mentally. But anybody who can’t relate to everything you’ve said is lying to themselves, and they are the real imposters, not you.
We love you, just the way you are.
I have the exact same thing. I have plans and ideas in my head, but getting the motivation to do them is a monumental issue. For instance, I bought dry erase and cork squares from Target to make a bulletin/memo area in my apartment. It has never come to life. The squares are still on my kitchen table – and I bought them 2 weeks ago.
I have two degrees from my post-secondary stint. One a BA in Psych and the other an honours degree in Biochem (Nutrition). The entire time that I was studying, I felt like everyone was going to see the imposter that was before them. I felt like all the academics at school were going to see that I’m really NOT a scientist (or science-y) in any way regardless of how well I did. I got over 90% on a lot of things and felt like a huge fraud! Now, looking back, I know I wasn’t, but I had this feeling that I would be found out all the time!
To combat my issues, I make lists. I fucking love lists. Grocery lists (that I remember to take with me to the store) and to do lists keep me going. When I do a thing, I check it off. The check marks feel good. And if I don’t do anything else, at least I’ve got the main things covered. PTA (to me) is an extra. Not every parent can do that crap. To help out once in a while is good enough for me. Some “successful” people never have time for their family and children, so regardless of anything else, you’ve done that, and it’s the most important part anyway! Some people have their priorities all messed up, and for the record, there are about 5-6 boxes unpacked, and my hair only gets washed about 3x a week (mostly because you’re not supposed to overwash your hair – it strips it of its oils and makes it unhealthy) and it never gets styled. I am lady ponhtail and headband – and that’s ok! My electricity has never been turned off, but I have run out of toilet paper. I have napkins that I never use, so what’s the point of napkins anyway?
Judging yourself by others is pretty counterproductive. Everyone is different and that’s what makes the world go ’round. We all do it though, so when I find I start doing that, I think of Friends. Remember Monica’s closet? Everyone has something like that. No matter who they are or how perfect they seem.
The way I look at it is kind of how Bob Ross looks at light and shadow. Without the shadow there is no light. Those 3-5 days/month (same as me by the way) where you feel like you’ve been productive/accomplished would not feel that way if you were like that all the time. Those people who do all the things I do on my “awesome” days on their normal days have a lot to live up to and probably feel as though nothing shines or stands out.
The biggest thing is that you get by on the other days. Life is to be lived, not produced. If you’re doing one thing a day you enjoy, and getting through the rest, I say that’s a win! So have a glass of wine with some cheese or bread maybe and sit down and do nothing. That nothing is the stuff that recharges you to get the awesome days going. And if you’re doing that nothing with people who matter to you, that’s what matters. Little house on the prairie with the bambino? Total score. These moments are precious, and they are what you’ll remember at the end of the day. Not that you forgot to go to the post office to mail that letter (do people still do that?) or that the homework wasn’t done each day. It still got done and that’s what matters. I think we’re all a little to concerned with things that aren’t as important as we think. I’d love to move to italy and just chill out. So sometimes, I need to remind myself to do that. Don’t sweat the small stuff kind of thing.
Rant ended. In short, we all have this issue. It is not you, nor is it a fault of you. Remember that and enjoy the life you live as much as you can. Ultimately, other people don’t matter, just the ones close to you! 🙂
Under normal circumstances, however, that’s not the case for me. I don’t have depression (as, like, a thing), but after a trauma, I do have depressive episodes. (I think of this like my emotions healing: you have to take it easy for a while.) I had one in January and I’m still working on my “emotional therapy” to get back up from the mat.
I have depressive periods, like this month — like this year, really, off and on — when I feel like this. It’s a herculean effort to get up, shower, dress, and, you know, generally do the things people do. If I make it halfway through that list, it’s a good day. If I don’t, well.
I’m going to say that, for me, feeling like that all the time would mean I wasn’t at *my* norm, which isn’t to say that you’re not at yours. Or maybe you should talk to your doctor. I talked to mine, who said that I wasn’t at a place where I needed medication — for which I was glad, because I’m pretty effing bad at taking a daily dose of anything.
If you’re concerned about it, if it’s something you’re worried enough about to talk to us, I think talking to your doctor would be a good thing. Either she’ll say it’s not normal and adjust your meds or he’ll say it is normal and your worries will be allayed.
Hey, you’re too young to be middle-aged!
There are a few things going on. Let’s leave any mental health issues aside for a few minutes and just go after the whole human thing, which I assume covers you as well as myself.
Every person on the planet who has an ounce of introspection does, at times, feel the same way you do. But I think the problem is worse now than it ever was. There are lots of reasons for that. The gadget you’re looking at right now, and the network it’s connected to are a major one. TV. Movies. They all send a message; “If you’re not wildly successful all the time, if you’re not Jennifer Aniston beautiful, Bill Gates rich, Stephen Hawking smart, then you’re worthless. If you have problems that you cannot solve in 30 minutes and go back to your perfect life, there is a problem with you. If you cannot afford a new Jaguar whenever you feel like it or because young Buffy drove it adorably into a pond, if you do not have the latest smartphone, if your house is smaller than your neighbors (or messier), you’re a failure.”
You’re not. And on an intellectual level, you know it. But on the level we cannot resist, that animal, competitive hindbrain level, you are convinced otherwise. You are convinced that because you are not all these things, you suck.
No one here is perfect. I suspect Bill Gates isn’t hanging around adding comments. I suspect Jennifer Aniston (rrrrrrawr) isn’t here reading this. The rest of us are just normal folks. We get along as best we can, with varying degrees of success. We win some, we lose some. Sometimes we make it. Sometimes we don’t. It’s how life is.
I will tell you this – you are someone I’d love to meet one day, and have sign my book. I’m sure I never will – I had a list of people I’d like to meet, and they all seem to kick off before i meet them. So I won’t put you on that list since it seems to be jinxed and I’d like you to stick around 🙂 Yeah, I know you struggle with public appearances and other various issues, but none of that really affects how people think of you and how much they like you. You seem to me to have a wonderful family and are, in my opinion, a pretty successful human being. Not to mention twistedly funny.
I doubt you’ll read this one, since it’s at the end of 19 gagillion comments. But hopefully you will and take it to heart. I don’t know you – just your blog persona. But I know people pretty well and seriously, you’re right in here with the rest of us.
I never knew that Impostor Syndrome was a real thing. That describes me exactly. I’m not sure I can quantify how many days a month I don’t feel like a fuck-up. Not a lot. You are definitely not the only one.
3-4 days a month seems like a pretty good ratio from where I’m standing. At the moment, I’m lucky if I get a couple of, “Yeah! I got shit done!” days in a month. On the flip side, after starting meds (Citalopram) a few months back, I only have 2-4 really crappy days a month too. Mostly it’s just meh and somewhere in the middle. I’m treading water and trying to build my resources for when I come off the meds – sorting through the things that made me depressed/anxious, etc.
I’m finding mindfulness meditation really helpful for the anxiety. I say that as someone who couldn’t sleep at night because I’d lie there worrying about things that couldn’t possibly happen – like what I’d do if a giant monster appeared and was rampaging through the neighbourhood. I even realised when I started on the meds and had the detachment to think – that I had got myself to a place where I couldn’t think about anything good happening without worrying about all the bad stuff that could happen too.
On the plus side – anxiety makes for good writers. All that ‘what if…?’ can help you to come up with some really creative stuff. I feel your pain on the writer’s block. I’ve been fighting that too. It’s another thing that lies. Best way for me to fight it is to plough on through. I start out going, “I’ll give it half an hour of work and if it’s totally shit then I can always delete it later.” and then just build from there. Good luck breaking through that too.
I know that things will get better. I see other people have already mentioned the ‘Moms, When Are You Going To Learn’ blogpost. That’s so right, we’re all good at different things, and we’d all feel happier if we stopped making ourselves feel crappy about all the stuff that we’re not good at.
All the best to you and everyone else on this journey.
You are one of the army of adults who do what we can, however we can to get through the day without crashing and burning. My feelings of adequacy are so rare that, when they occur, I am dazzled by the brightness of accomplishment.
I think the fact it bothers me (us) when I haven’t achieved what I think I should have is a sign of caring. It would be far too easy to be numb to it and avoid any anxiety.
You are not alone.
I only feel like I’m being successful at life on the days I run. On the days when my legs feel like lead and everything in my head wants to quit and give up and walk home and I push through it, those are the days when I feel most alive. Sitting at my desk staring at my computer also makes me want to walk home, and usually, there is no feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day – just another day gone. But running…. I feel stronger and more confident and happier about my life and the fact that I CAN run. Those are my best days.
Um I DON’T suffer from chronic depression and I feel like this all the time. While I have experienced depression (severe PPD) and know it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, I think it may exacerbate the typical – “Operating Anxieties” of everyday life. I think anxiety serves a purpose – to keep us focused and motivated. I think depression can amplify anxiety, I think you’re experiencing “normal” tendencies but maybe amped up a bit. If I feel successful 3-4 days per month, then that is a superb month. Most of the rest of the month is spent mind-fucking every aspect of my career and what kind of parent/friend/spouse/daughter I am. My whole life feels like a game of whack-a-mole. I can only whack one at a time but they’re constantly popping up everywhere and it never ends until you sleep and then way before you want to wake up every morning someone sticks another quarter in the machine.
First, everyone that you see looking successful also feels like a failure a lot of the time just like you do.
Second, one of the hardest lessons is to accept that being different from one another not only means fun things like different hobbies and different passions but also not so fun things, like I don’t always have as much energy as other people, and I’m never going to be able to do as many things as they do.
For me I aim for the B-minus in life. I’m never going to be an A-plus person who has a clean house and happy children as she whisks off to be CEO. But I expect to be happy a lot of the time, whether or not I have accomplished something. And I’ve spend a LOT of time studying myself, to find out what DOES make me feel successful and accomplished. For me having a lot of structure is important – if I go to work every day, that’s an accomplishment. If I get a percentage of my chores done on the weekend and get rested up for the work week, that’s an accomplishment. When I was in school if I spent time working on a project even if it wasn’t completed, that was an accomplishment.
I can’t tell a story in a straight line; your post made perfect, circular sense to my brain. And that’s something you accomplish every time you post – you reach people not just by being funny or clever, but by having a mind like theirs. You are not the only one struggling with mental illness and other issues, but you are a public person and a success, and so you are causing ripples you don’t know about. You never know when someone reads this and a friend of a friend hears third-hand and it becomes a life-changing moment. THAT is one way I hold on when it seems like what I am doing is very small.
Two books I have found helpful: one is The Messie’s Manual – I have no idea what your house looks like but it gave me a place to start when my house looked like ill-tempered teenagers had taken it out on my living room. The other is by Jen Louden; it’s called The Comfort Queen’s Guide to Life. Jen Louden has written many books on inner work; this is the one I like. It’s a place to go when I need more help.
Good luck to you. At the time of posting. 2,663 other people had written comments, firmly demonstrating that many, many,many people feel like you do and offer their support. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For me, even the smallest thoughts or decisions can spiral down into a wild, confused internal debate:
Mean internal voice: God, you are so STUPID/WORTHLESS/SELFISH/INCONSIDERATE
Nicer internal voice: Stop being so hard on yourself, you’re doing your best and you’re an intelligent, energetic young woman with an optimistic outlook.
Mean internal voice: Yeah, you would say that, anything to make yourself feel good.
Nicer internal voice: Why is making yourself feel good a bad thing?
Mean internal voice: I’m here to keep you in line; if I wasn’t here you’d go around thinking the sun shone out your ass and everyone would think you were arrogant and no one would want to be your friend.
Nicer internal voice: I mean, maybe I guess, I just don’t see why you have to be such a dick about it.
Mean internal voice: THAT’S HOW THIS WORKS. Everything good you have you have because I make you accountable. It’s like boot camp for your personality.
Nicer internal voice: Yeah well your ‘boot camp drills’ make me want to curl on the couch with Drop Dead Diva on Netflix and eat dark chocolate by the kilo FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND.
Mean internal voice: Good, then I’m doing my job.
And that happens about 350 times a day.
I divide stuff into categories:
“Work” – this is the stuff that everyone agrees I’m supposed to do. (It could be staying home cleaning and making sure a child survived the day.)
“Maintenance” – sleeping, eating showering.
“Slobbing out” – lying on the coach watching TV.
“Worthy occupations” – Making stuff, hobbies, organizing photos, writing a blog etc.
Is your guilt because you think you do too much “Slobbing out” and not enough “Worthy occupations”
Because … chances are you only get an hour or two day left to do either, and everyone deserves some down time.
I manage about an hour a week for “Worthy occupations” and I just accept that makes me normal.
i always feel like a fake person. even when i manage to do more than go to work. sometimes i feel accomplished because i got dressed and if i took a shower i can call it a day. remember depression lies. people fake perfect lives.
There is a lot of much deserved support for you here. I always feel the best about myself if I do extra stuff with my kids as I feel they are the most important part of me. Side note; there is a new novel by Sophie Hannah called “Kind of Cruel” – it’s a who-dunit and a good read but what was most interesting was the comprehensive descriptions of people with narcissistic disorder and how they can destroy the psyche of those around them – very interesting stuff about family dysfunction as well. Worth a look – several real books on the subject are referenced. Worst case scenario its a fun read but I found some of it very useful. You are doing a wonderful job being human, by the way. Humans are flawed and fragile by nature.
The problem for me is I can never do enough to feel satisfied. Like when you’re first starting out, and making crap for money, you think “If I made more things would be cool”. And then you make more and you’re still not happy and you don’t feel like you’re ahead of the place you were even though you are. Five years ago I got my shit together and lost close to a hundred pounds after being overweight for the bulk of my life. Six months ago I started weight training. I’m making progress but I still feel unfulfilled because I can’t seem to go a week without cheating on my diet. Or keep the garage clean. Or get through my daily to-do list. Or a hundred other things that I can’t get on top of. Obviously the trick is to be happy and fulfilled with life as is. It’s a trick I haven’t learned.
Oh Jennie, I read this and saw so much of myself. The dusty boxes, the lack of accomplishment, twenty half-started projects…someday, someday. Add to this a fucking awful marriage wherein I still feel a SENSE OF DUTY and can’t escape on my own. Unfortunately I can’t see to what end knowing others suffer the same helps me. Unless we could all get together f2f and commiserate. Every week. fuck. every damned day…would that help? Is it constructive to be with people who are as fucked up as I am? Let me know woman, please.
I think part of everyone’s problem is that our American culture says we have to ACCOMPLISH everyday. Yes, it’s important to have a purpose and to have goals, but it’s also important to ENJOY LIFE and BE HAPPY. Watching TV with your daughter is fabulous. That’s accomplishing being a good mother. And being a good mother is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do. Don’t be so hard on yourself (I’m talking to myself too). Let yourself do nothing sometimes without feeling guilty. (I’m talking to myself too). And believe me, all those “perfect” people are alcoholics and drug users.
Oh, sweetie, that’s everybody. And if someone says that isn’t them, they’re lying. Some people are just better at hiding it in than others.
I’m the PTA mom who bikes with her kids to school every day and feeds them homemade healthy meals and they eat veggies and read at higher-than-average grade levels and we do homework right after school and I feel like a successful parent maybe a handful of days a month. Maybe. It’s everyone. And only the pretentious insecure assholes won’t admit it.
I think we’ve all be there to some degree. We’ve all looked at other people in our lives and felt awe and wonder at how together they are, how happy they are, how much BETTER they are than we are. (Social media makes this so, so much worse.) And I think we’ve all struggled to some degree with feeling like we’re not good enough. That no matter how much we do, how much we try, there will always be something we’re missing, forgetting, or just not able to do. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
The trick (for me, anyway) to making it through the day and feeling like a success (or at least not a failure) is to change my frame of reference. Instead of comparing myself to others in order to measure my success, I compare myself to myself. Wait, that sounds crazy. Let me explain. Say I have a to-do list for the day with 3 things on it, and I only managed to check off 2 of the 3. If I compare myself to Susie Hasitall, who is proclaiming on Facebook that she accomplished 35 different things today while simultaneously being an AMAZING mom to her 3 adorable, well mannered children and ALSO raised money for a charity, I’m going to feel like an epic failure. Who can compete with that? I don’t even have kids, just a lazy smelly beagle. So I ignore Susie. Good for her, but we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes in Susie’s life. Maybe that 5 minutes she posted to Facebook is literally the best part of her day. My point is, she’s playing a different game than I am so I can’t compete with her. I can only compete with myself. Maybe I only accomplished 2 out of 3 things today, but that’s 2 more things than I had accomplished yesterday AND I also managed to not kill my dog. Maybe I even remembered to feed her both times today. The way I measure success is if I know I did my best on that day, even if my best was just getting out of bed.
I’ve always had wanker voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough, or cool enough, or beautiful enough, or smooth enough, or tanned enough. I don’t know if everyone has them, but I like to believe they do but everyone keeps it a secret which I think is stupid, because if we all admitted it then maybe we wouldn’t feel so crazy.
Since I developed chronic migraine two years ago, and had to leave my job because of it last year I’ve found that part of brain can be really assholic. If I get a week of feeling ok days in a month then that’s fairly good. Most of the time my brain likes to tell me that I’m a mooch and no-good, that I’m letting down women-kind and feminism by not having a job and relying on my husband and family while I’m getting treatment and concentrating on being well enough to go back to a job, that I’m a waste of time and all my education was for nothing, that I’m a bad friend/sister/daughter/wife, and then onto my physical appearance and lack of fitness. It can go on and on swirling around in there for days if I’m on my own in the apartment, and then I’m unlikely to shower or get dressed, and I generally count it as a successful day if I haven’t eaten cereal for all my meals.
The only things I’ve found to help are regular contact with honest friends, who tell me honestly how their lives are because all that fake ‘everything’s beautiful and look how perfectly clean our house and flowery our garden and behaved our children are’ shit is worse. Instead of letting the negative swirl in my brain if I can dump it all out in one marathon sentence to my husband then that can help stop it. Particularly because his normal reaction is to laugh, which shows me how silly some of the worries are, and if it’s bad and I’m crying then a hug and a cuddle help too. Blogs help too, yours, the oatmeal, hyperbole and a half, amanda palmer, brene brown, 5 kids is a lot of kids (though, to be fair, I personally feel right now that no kids is a lot of kids and I wonder at how I might ever manage with even minding someone else’s let alone having one of my own!)…
I think the key to it is honesty. Oh and getting to a place that whenever your inside brain wanker voice says ‘should’ some other small part of your brain goes, ‘oh, well that’s bullshit then’. I’m still working on that one but it helps if you like to be perverse and stubborn. That brain voice can just be one more thing you refuse to do as it says.
2500 other people have said it, but no, it’s not just you.
Have you heard of this line from Leonard Cohen’s song?
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in” – I love, love that.
Thank you for writing this post. You are freakin’ brilliant writer.
xo
Yukari
In all honesty I think your medical regimen needs examining. I noticed that most of the comments say “I feel like shit too…you’re Ok.” but you asked for honesty, and I don’t think it is normal. For me, I tried lots of different doctors, and lots of different medications until I found one that actually made me feel better. It sounds so simple, and i know that it isn’t, but if I were you I would keep trying new therapies until you hit on something that helps more. You will never be perfect, or shiny like the pinterest bitches, but you should feel well most of the time. See your doctor, or a new doctor, because you’re worth it…and if you don’t believe that then because Haily is worth it. It is hard to believe, and I completely understand, because I have been there, but it is possible to feel better, and when you do, it is easier to say stupid things like “I am happy to be here today.” I spent years under the bell jar, and have some anxiety about it’s return, but for now, I really feel well most of the time.
Absolutely not just you.
I am a working mom, mental illness-free, active member of the PTA, I make healthy lunches for my kids to take to school every day, and my relationship with my husband is wonderful and solid.
Still, I feel like I drop the ball more often than I catch it.
I spend too much money at the grocery store because I don’t have time to make meals from scratch so I have to “make do” with things that are pre-made when I am fairly certain that all the good moms make everything from scratch and grow their own produce and herbs while I shamefully buy mine in the store.
My kids only participate in one activity at a time even though I am sure that I am stifling their growth opportunities because I can’t manage to let them do karate, swimming, soccer, dance, art, scouts, music, and golf.
The activities we do keep us so busy that our opportunities for play dates and family outings are more or less non-existent even though I know for a fact that all the other families in town are able to nurture their interpersonal relationships much more effectively than I am.
I have a cleaning service come in every 3 weeks to remove the worst of the pestilence that gathers in my house. Other moms can keep their houses clean on their own, right?
We make choices, Jenny, and the best we can do is make peace with the things we didn’t do in order make room for the more important stuff.
*Raises hand* (and apologizes in advance because this was “supposed to be” a short post. Well…we see how well that went.)
Yep. Me too. I’m “successful” but I’m not where I “should be”. As sad as it is, one thing that helps me is looking back on how terrible things were at one point and how much of an improvement I’ve made. There were a few years during college that I couldn’t/wouldn’t pay my bills- I lived in NYC (a wonderful but stressful place), had a filthy, rude and overall judgmental roommate, a boyfriend who openly admitted that he didn’t love me, avoided my calls and was just generally bad for my sanity (but he was hot and I was convinced I could make him see how awesome I was- obviously I was in denial), I maxed out my credit cards, sunk my credit score in the toilet and then dropped out of college and moved back in with my parents.
Now, I pay all my bills, paid off 3 credit cards, raised my credit score 140 points, have a Bachelor’s degree in Art Education, have a full time job, a part time job and a soon-to-be online shop and still schedule time to coupon for groceries (and save about $4,000/year because of said coupons). I live with the wonderful man I married who tells me he loves me every day and we have an amazing little family consisting of us, a cat, a guinea pig and a fish tank with 2 of the biggest angelfish you’ve ever seen in your life.
The worst days are the ones when I look at those accomplishments but my brain just won’t accept that they are enough. Those days, I take a Xanax, watch whatever is on the DVR and curl up on the sofa crying into a wine cooler. Those are the days that I can’t look past the 40 pound weight gain or the crappy, dead-end office job (where sometimes I can’t even work up the energy to wash my dishes so I just clean them off with a lysol wipe) or the lack of transportation because I don’t have enough money to buy a car, or the mountains of useless stuff around the apartment because I still self soothe with retail therapy or the fact that we live in an apartment because we can’t afford the taxes on a house or the fact that I have to take meds to be “normal” and they’re obviously not working because I am SO not normal. Then I get angry because those days usually happen because I’m angry that I have to take meds so I stop taking them and then the lack of meds proves that they are in fact, necessary and helpful.
Sometimes, I need a swift kick in the motivational ass as well….and usually it comes from those around me. I get overcome with self doubt and need others to tell me how great I am because now, despite being more awesome than I was when my life was falling apart, I just can’t believe myself. I’ve heard this referred to as “approval addiction”- I need others to validate me because I can’t see my worth unless others see it for me. Then I question whether they are being genuine and blah blah blah vicious cycle. I know what I need to do to get to a better place- I need to take my meds regularly and I need to find a way to incorporate art into my daily life and to un-incorporate all of the useless things that don’t bring me joy. It’s unbelievable how hard it is to fit in the little things that we love and know will do us good when we’re so busy worrying all the time. I need to realize that Me Time is acceptable- more than acceptable- vital. And Me Time doesn’t have to be productive. Taking emotional care of myself is just as important as Getting Shit Done. Maybe even more so. And it is a constant battle. But even after all of the progress, there is still more. Because even those perfectly polished PTA moms with chore charts and dinner menus and schedules that run like clockwork…..they are still works in progress too. They are just better at hiding their shit than we are. Which…..is a good and a bad thing. Their lives are not perfect, they are just better actresses.
There are a few simple pleasures that make it worth the constant trudge through the mess carrying all of my mental baggage. Art. Bullshitting on the phone with my Dad for an hour about ridiculous things and laughing until my belly hurts. Snuggling with my husband. Chasing the cat. Singing oldies in my kitchen at the top of my lungs while chopping veggies. Puns. Smoothies. Brightly colored office supplies. Homemade fudge. My best friend. Relating to others about how hard it is to carry all our baggage because that shit is friggin’ heavy and we deserve to be able to complain about it. But opening up lightens the load a little more and makes it easier to lift in the morning, when everything feels like a bag full of bricks.
And to be honest? I have you to thank for that last part. You’ve helped me see that sharing my struggles is OK and makes them just a teeny bit easier to deal with. Every brick out of the bag is still one more brick I don’t have to carry.
We might not be where we want to be, but y’know what? We’re HERE. We got this. *hug*
I love your site and your writing. It’s really fanfuckingtastic. You’ve already identified that you have mental health issues and they you are taking western medicine approaches (psychotherapy and medication.) Put yourself in a slightly different mental projection of who you would have to be if you were living in a troubled Middle East nation or a truly poverty stricken area of Asia. You would have to do what you need to get through the day, and mental anguish is quite different. All this to say, perhaps being in a place of relative comfort, achievement, material posession, fame, recognition…. blah blah, all the things that we aspire to in the illusion of the American Dream … maybe there’s a terribly inhuman side of it all and your psyche is trying to tell you something. It’s not so real, although everyone believes in it. I read the James Kunstler book the Long Emergency and it’s something of a terrifically horrifying view of what our nation is going toward, and it has given me a lot of thought about what are the truly important things in life. What are the insignificant banter that can be disbanded with and what are some lifestyle desires that need re-evaluation.
You are not alone. I have lots of people give me compliments every month either at work or socially. I just can’t seem to actually accept them. Sure, I say thanks, but I don’t believe it. “You look like you’ve lost weight! What are you doing?” … “Actually I’ve gained weight, but thanks anyway.”
I see my peers with more successful careers, people who travel more, make more money, have nicer houses, less debt, fulfilling friendships … heck people who just have a few close friends.
Sometimes I just want to cry at night because other than my husband, I really have no close friends in the city we live in, and we’ve been here since 2007. I love my husband, but I need friends, especially female friends (I work in a male-dominated field … Engineering). What’s even harder is that I don’t want to have kids, and every time I find a possible new “girlfriend”, she gets pregnant and really doesn’t have time for me (which I totally understand).
I just feel so alone sometimes. So very, very lonely.
Your post stuck with me yesterday, and thought I’d comment when I’m not usually a commenter, but, um, looks like a couple of other people felt compelled to do so as well. For what it’s worth, your post reminded me of another blogger’s I recently read (see Aug 28th entry…) http://yarnharlot.ca/blog/
OK – here goes. I am a 40-year old lawyer with a 5-year old son. I pretend to be a grown-up. I get dressed in my work clothes every weekday morning and do my hair and put on makeup so I don’t freak out when I catch my reflection in mirrors and plate glass windows (and because I’m from Texas and that’s what I have been socialized to do). I go to the office and sit at my computer. Some days I do interesting things that help people solve their problems and other days I do tedious things that just need to be done. For the past 2 weeks, I’ve spent way too much time reading Harry Potter fanfiction.
My husband travels for work, and on those days, when I get home from work, my son and I watch Tiny Toons and Animaniacs and eat Kraft mac & cheese. The only reason my house is clean is that a very nice lady comes once every 2 weeks to clean it. By the end of the 2nd week, there is cat fur everywhere.
I don’t believe anyone who says or acts like they have all their shit together. If your child is fed, clothed, cleaned, and happy at the end of the day, you’ve accomplished a lot. Also, I would like you to know that this blog is one of the joys of my day.
Totally feel the same way, especially the imposter part – I can always think of a million reasons why I didn’t actually succeed at something: “Oh, well that course was just easier that year, that’s why I did so well.” Or, “My supervisor went easy on my, that’s how I passed my master’s defense.” or, “I really don’t know what to say on this topic, despite it being my area of study.” There’s always a reason why I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not likeable enough.
And then my depression and anxiety flare up, and I feel I’m not even doing THAT well (how’s that for fucked up thinking?).
Journaling helps me, having my own space to vent/write/dream. Other things I’ve been doing recently is a ‘know myself better’ project so I can maybe figure out what I want to be when I grow up, despite the fact that I technically AM grown up.
Long story short, you are most definitely not alone. Sending you love and hugs, and some popcorn for Little House on the Prairie reruns (my daughter and I watch Bugs Bunny, and the other day she was chewing on a fake carrot from her kitchen and came up to me and said “ehh, wha’ts up, doc?” made my heart grow three sizes 🙂 )
You are not the only one and I hope you don’t feel alone.
This year I’m safe – I’m a STAH mum who’s debilitated by sleep deprivation. The expectations for me are low and I don’t see enough of the judgey types for it to affect my Wellbeing. Other years have been awful and every weekday was a big fat fail. Sometimes I wonders if anyone woud notice if I just skipped it all. But I tied my worth into my job and then set high expectation on myself. I’d never do it to a friend; I’m learning to treat myself better.
You’ve a lot going on and my experiences don’t really compare I suppose but I hope you begin to list your blog posts as achievements. They bring a lot of joy and it’s a measurable and real difference to many people.
You are not alone!!!!! I hate that we all aspire to maintain this shiny facade of a well-organized, perfect life. I wish we would all be more honest with each other and give ourselves a break. I’m just trying to be kind as I tread through the day and to teach my kids to do the same. By the way – I haven’t showered in two days and unless I go to the store, tonights dinner is going to consist primarily of condiments.
The truth is that everyone else’s lives always look pretty and pastel from the outside. Every family has issues, some are just better at hiding it than others. Just remember that when you get those thoughts. I am always putting myself down. I too don’t have the time or energy for PTA (I suffer mild social anxiety and depression) and I am also a full time worker and mother of three married to a full time college student. My life constantly feels like it is unraveling at the seams and that at any moment everything will just fall out beneath my feet. I always envied my younger sister because she always seemed to have her life together. Recently I spent a week with her without kids and husband and was shocked to realize how much she was grasping at things as well. She also didn’t realize how frantic my life was as well. My brother recently split from his wife of several years because their picture perfect life they had portrayed was nothing but a lie. These are my own siblings, if they were able to hide this stuff from me what are complete strangers hiding behind their shiny veneers? No life or person is perfect, and it shouldn’t be either. If everything was perfect there would be no point to living. The struggle and surprises that come along with life are what make it worth living. So don’t measure your worth by others, most of the time they are probably doing the same with you. Quite frankly, I find a sense of comfort knowing you are not perfect because that makes you just as human as the rest of us and therefor I can relate to you better. Thank you for being you, imperfections and everything 🙂
I feel the same way most days. And I read your blog and think, “crap, she has all those things, and she still manages to blog,” when I usually can’t even get a decent to-do list going. I lowered my standards. My house is not filthy, my child is healthy, happy, fed and cute. My husband loves me. I’m happy with who I am right now. So, when it creeps in, I just try my best to shut it down. Usually by reading your blog, because it makes me laugh, which makes me feel better. Maybe you should read your blog more often. It’s hilarious! Love you!
So Tuesday night I was sitting in bed rocking and silently screaming. Trying not to let the rest of my family see how bad it was. My anxiety attack had reached a point where if I didn’t self harm I was going to self destruct. So I wrote, I wrote random words and sentences until the pain and humiliation and desperation would let me sleep. I bled ink instead.
I am 38, have a Dip Counselling, working on my B. App Social Science (Couselling), I have survived domestic violence, work as the 2IC of a youth refuge and I have remarried a wonderful man who loves my gorgeous 3 children as his own.
And I am a failure. Each and every day I am faced with this certain knowledge that other people know what they are doing and I’m just an idiot bumbling through life pretending to know what is going on. My latest anxiety attack was provoked by a job interview in which I fucked up so badly that even though I am ridiculously overqualified, I couldn’t answer most of the questions, panicked and left in a shaking embarrassing mess. It took me 2 days to come close to functioning again and I am still only just holding it together now on Friday night. I feel like I’ve got it together maybe 5 or 6 days a month even though I present an outward impression that things are okay. Objectively I can see everything I’ve accomplished, but I can’t feel it.
It isn’t just you.
I once remarked to one of my counsellors that I had always been intimidated by her when I’d seen her at the school, she looked so perfect and I was a mess all the time. And she told me that during that time she was suffering from Post Natal Depression and she did her makeup and hair and dressed so well because she was falling apart inside and didn’t want anyone to know.
I learned that those women who look like they have it all together – they don’t. They are like the rest of us in many ways. It helps me to remember that.
My friend (an amazing survivor of the most horrendous abuse) told me about the semi colon project. It is such an amazing thing that you could have come up with it. A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended – but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. This is a visual representation I use when the terror is overwhelming. It feels like my sentence is ending, but I know if I keep going the story will continue and get better.
Sometimes when I feel like I’ve gone nowhere or have not done much I walk from room to room. I assess what I had when I left him and what we have gotten since. A little shallow maybe, but it is tangible. A measure of the journey I can’t deny as it is in front of me.
And when I can’t see any of it, I remind myself of what it was like when I was self harming and was suicidal. And I tell myself that every day I am breathing is a success. Success is about making it through another day. It is about not giving in. It is about saying fuck you to depression and living to make someone else’s life a little better.
Another counsellor of mine taught me that it is okay not to cope sometimes. I don’t have to have it all together all the time. When I’m capable of remembering that I step off the world for a bit and watch Doctor Who, The IT Crowd (UK version only), The Vicar of Dibley or one of the extremely very many stand up comedy dvds I own (I recommend Russell Kane, Russell Howard, Steve Hughes and Ross Noble to start with). Or read a blog that helps me remember that depression and anxiety are not all of me, they are just a part of me.
On a related note – does anyone have a job for me that I don’t have to interview for. I’m a really good case manager, honest. I just can’t show you that in an interview.
Sometimes at night when I lay in bed and I think of all the things I didn’t do (like achieving world peace), I think of the things I could’ve done that I refrained from doing:
– I didn’t drive through a crowded market square killing a score of innocent people.
– I didn’t go out of my way to make an innocent person feel shitty about her/himself.
– I didn’t make a mess and leave it for someone else to pick up.
– While I might not have been the best person on any given day, I was by far not the worst.
– I didn’t let my morals slip and commit a heinous act.
Then there are the times I consider the small things as personal achievements:
– I made my cat purr, and that means I made something happy for a moment.
– I saw something beautiful and recognized it as such, even if its just the way a cobweb hangs from the ceiling.
– I cleaned up the kitchen (whether a little or a lot).
– I was nice to someone when I was feeling awful about myself.
On the days when life seems nothing more than one long dark tunnel, I remember that things in small doses (kind of like medicine) can help shift my perspective just enough so it seems less dark and frightening. Learning to realize life comes in moments and not all at once helped me to see some of my expectations were seriously out of whack and causing some of the worst of my moments. Small things do count.
Thanks for all you do, Jenny. Please feel free to help yourself to some of the sunshine I find on dark days.
First of all, thank you.
I have depression and anxiety disorder, too (yes I’m in therapy and yes on meds) but I don’t think any amount of therapy compares to the moment of healing I just had reading this. Oh my god, I’m not the only one.
I can’t say I’ve ever felt successful. Ever.
Each day there’s a myriad of little failures, which are so shameful to me. And if I’m ever feeling good, I just need to take a glance in a mirror. Thighs still too fat? Yep. No change there.
My only advice is to check out the Buddhist practice of Tonglen. When you’re having a good moment you breathe out with the intention that others might experience this goodness. When the moment is unpleasant you breathe in, taking the unpleasant in fully so that you can learn and perhaps not have to experience it again.
This practice helps me mark the good stuff so that even for a few moments I can interrupt the litany of self abuse that plays in my head.
Sometimes just getting through the day is enough.
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages… Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you’re harbouring known fugitives.
Mal: Well, we’re still flying.
Simon: That’s not much.
Mal: It’s enough.
I’m pretty sure my family didn’t ecpect me to live to adulthood. No one bothered to teach me to drive, were completely confounded when I told them I was getting married, and were convinced that my child would not survive the pregnancy, let alone graduate high school. I’ve been diabetic with a self-destructive streak since age 10, so I can kind of see where they got that, but I’m 44 and working. I’m on the kidney transplant list, but I’m still barrelling on. Some days, getting through the day is enough of an accomplishment. I spin yarn, I teach knitting, and I have friends. I like my life. My husband supports my arty side, and my kid turned out OK. I haven’t graduated from college, but there’s still time, hypothetically. I take my pills every day and just keep going. What am I supposed to do? Sit down on the sidewalk and cry? Not that I haven’t done that, but eventually I have to get up and carry on.
How’s that for rambling? I don’t know if it helps pr even makes sense, but all any of us can do is keep going. And then watch this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OORsz2d1H7s
I do not have depression or anxiety. I’ve been to therapy when I was having trouble coping with some stuff that happened in my life and the diagnosis was, basically, “you’re holding yourself to a standard that you’ve set way too high.” But, still, I would say, more than half of the days in a month, I feel exactly like you do. I feel like I’m using so much energy treading water that I don’t have enough left to actually swim for shore.
The rest of the days out of the month? Well, I probably feel like I kicked ass once every other month. Maybe. And the rest of the time, I feel like I’m generally doing sort-of-okay.
I definitely have imposter syndrome. Since I was quite young. I have a distinct memory of getting an A on a test back in the fourth grade and thinking “Ha! Fooled ’em again!” I was, what? Ten? I felt the same way all the way through college and law school. Try having imposter syndrome when you’re a public defense attorney representing someone in a murder case. I won that case (my client was convicted of a lesser charge instead of murder first). Even on that day, I didn’t feel like I kicked ass.
What do I do to feel better? Well, I have a tendency to get into a spiral: I feel bad. I feel bad that I am feeling bad. I kick myself because I am feeling bad. I kick myself more that I am kicking myself for feeling bad. I tell myself I should be able to shake this, I should feel better. But it doesn’t work, so I have to let myself break….I cry and fall apart and become the biggest mess on the planet and my husband, good soul that he is, puts me back together again as best he can by reminding me that he loves me, even when I’m a snotty mess (I do not cry pretty). Sometimes letting myself feel bad for a while helps me feel better.
I also have a sign I typed and printed up over my desk. It says, “If you lower your standards far enough, every day can be a good day.” My mother says that’s a cynical and sad way to look at the world. I think she’s wrong. When I look at that sign, I remember that I don’t have to be the best mother in the world, or the best writer, or the best wife, or the best daughter, or the best (former) lawyer, or the best anything. I just have to do the best I can do, even if that’s lying on the couch watching princess movies with my daughter all day while the house gets messier and the laundry doesn’t get done and the problems don’t get solved. Some days, the standard is this low: “well, I didn’t kill anyone today, so I guess it’s a good day!” Some days, that’s okay.
I struggle with this too. My mantra is “lower your standards,” because I really think I’m expecting silly things from myself. Life should include much more lying around doing nothing, so when I reach the end of my day having done nothing, I remember that I enjoy doing nothing. And when I have days where I can’t seem to get off the couch, I try to enjoy sitting on the couch. (I might as well – I’m not getting up.) I feel successful and with-it very few days a month, but most days now I just feel fine, not worthless. I’m trying to convince myself that busy days with lots done are more of a spice for life, than the meat-and-potatoes. Wish me luck.
Oh god Jenny, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! Please don’t ever feel alone in this struggle to feel human. I’m a stay at home mom who has suffered bi-polar disease for 20 years. Hospitalizations, Electric Shock Therapy, manic episodes that have ruined friendships, you name it, I’ve been through it. Your post today was amazing. It was my life to a T. I say, WAS, because I’ve found some things that do help me and I hope maybe it will help you too.
First of all, I only measure my feeling of success in hours, not days. Accomplishing small goals is a great feeling, if even for only an hour. Setting goals for the entire day often make me feel like a failure. One hour at a time is enough for me.
Some days my goal is simply get out of bed. On good days I might even put on makeup. Those small accomplishments are actually HUGE accomplishments some days. I keep a journal and actually write “today I got out of bed, took a shower and put a bra on”. Most people think that is an absolutely ridiculous thing to document but to me it documents a success for that day.
Also in my journal I write random things that either bug me, make me laugh or make me think. Yesterday’s entry was..”Dear Donna Summer…..just what the hell happened to you in McArthur Park?” (you may be too young to know that song). It makes me smile to realize how different my way of thinking is compared to “normal” people. I’ve learned to embrace my uniqueness.
I have made a lifelong vow never to be the lady at Walmart in her pajamas. Some days it’s all I can do to convince myself to actually put on pants, but it’s a small accomplishment and I feel good that I have not totally lost my sense of pride.
If you have to drive somewhere but not get out of the car (drive thru, ATM, picking up kid from soccer practice) it’s okay to have pajamas and slippers on. When you are in a car people only see you from the shoulders up, right? A hat and sunglasses are all that are needed.
I do one thing every day that I don’t feel like doing. Like, I have had this pair of shorts that I need to return on my counter for a month. I just haven’t been motivated to box them up and mail them back. Today I did it. And I feel great about it. Small thing, yes, but it counts as a success in my book.
I took up knitting. Really, try it. It’s the only thing that quiets the voices in my head. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.
I read the book “Fuck It” by John Parkin. I refuse to read self-help, Oprah type books because they only make me feel like a failure. “Fuck It” is exactly the opposite and it is awesome.
Finally, I’ve learned to embrace my uniqueness and accept the fact that I will never be “normal”. The Jones’ can go to hell because I don’t feel like keeping up with them.
Jenny, you are inspirational to many of us because of your honesty. Please keep your head above water and reach out for help when you start sinking. Love you – Martha
Is it just you? Well, reading this I felt like you had opened up my head and were talking about whatever you could see there.. until you got to the bit about going to the bank, because I actually was supposed to do that two days ago and wimped out and went home instead. 3-4 really good days a month is about what I get, yes, but I don’t think it’s a good thing. I’m about to start on meds to try and get a better ratio!
(By the way, if it helps.. I think most people who know me would see me as one of the shiny PTA people, but that’s because I’m very good at pretending! I suspect most of them are also putting on an act to some extent, but that doesn’t mean I don’t secretly despise their Hunter-wellie-wearing selves.)
Life is just spending every day pushing this huge, round boulder up a hill. The good days are the couple of days a month when the boulder doesn’t roll over your dog as you lose control of it and it rolls all the way back down. Also, I swear a lot. Which makes me feel like a bad person when I am surrounded by professionals at work who never swear there. So getting up (yay!) and going in to an office (whee!) is no magic pill, let me tell you.
I think this is how normal feels: “It’s just that at the end of each day I usually lie in bed and think, “Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life.”
And the shiny, pretty pastel lives on social media sometimes (often?) aren’t real.
Adding in my data point here, most days I beat myself up for: not exercising, not writing, my writing not being good enough, my house not being clean enough and a whole list of other things. These are just the headliners.
I try to practice telling myself I am enough, this life is enough, while using “enough” in the sense of being complete and full and just right.
Woody Allen has a great quote where he starts off talking about existential angst, and then says: “The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself.”
I am working on finding a billion different ways to distract that negative voice in my head: a good book, a walk, a cold beer on a hot day out on the deck . . .
I’ve felt this way as well. It’s the depression lying again. Try not to compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to how you were last month, last year, etc.
I struggle with this too. My mantra is “lower your standards,” because I really think I’m expecting silly things from myself. Life should include much more lying around doing nothing, so when I reach the end of my day having done nothing, I remember that I enjoy doing nothing. And when I have days where I can’t seem to get off the couch, I try to enjoy sitting on the couch. (I might as well – I’m not getting up.) I feel successful and with-it very few days a month, but most days now I just feel fine, not worthless. I’m trying to convince myself that busy days with lots done are more of a spice for life, than the meat-and-potatoes. Wish me luck.
STOP trying to rationalize life. It is not possible. LIfe is completely irrational – and mostly unfair. Sometimes we have to take it minute by minute. I have days that go like this:
– “Just get in the shower”
-“Just get to work – you’ll be fine”
-“Just make until lunch – you’ll be fine”
-“Just make until 5”
-“Just make it until you can get home and lie down”
Maybe not the typical idea of a successful day, but some days its all I’ve got. But everyday you get up and try again, even if you fail, THAT is success!! Who cares about all the other trappings. Hailey loves you. Victor loves you. THOUSANDS of readers love you. You should love you – just the way you are. We do. Screw everything else. PS – we will love you even if you never right another word. You have done so much already. Pressure is off.
You should probably read the book “You Are A Badass.” Because you are and it is helpingme to be. Just sayin’.
My dear Jenny,
I feel successful about one day a month. The rest of the time, I’m running on ice, wondering what I haven’t figured out how to be happy. This is my brain on CBT training, two meds for depression/anxiety. What wrong with me is that I’m not wired the right way.
What’s right with me is that I see you and see how friggin funny you can be even when you’re battling your demons, and I say: She can do it. So can I.
Take these words to heart. Repeat as necessary. You are a great mother. You are a great writer. You are a great person. You have made the world a better place.
Give yourself a break, a pat on the back, and know that this too shall pass.
We love you just the way you are.
Best, always
Scott
“Barely accomplishing the minimum” is a tremendous accomplishment. When I feel the guilt start to creep up, I remind myself “My family is well-fed and clean with a lovely roof overhead. This is far above what so many others have. I am blessed, but I also work hard to accomplish this each and every day.”
Also, I’m going to tell you what MY therapist told me: get off facebook and pinterest.
We have a mutual friend, and so I have been reading your blog for a few years…not all the time but every now and then. You are certainly funny, and I like to see opinionated women put it out there. I am sure you are not alone as evidenced by the many notes above. That said, I think it would feel pretty bad to feel the way you feel- 3 or 4 solid days a month. Either you need to adjust how you are assessing your days, or perhaps you really do need to try a new plan. I don’t think holding ourselves up to comparison with anyone else is a good idea. I don’t want my kids competing with others for grades, friends, etc. But, I do want them to work every day to do and be their best…and that is something that changes all the time. Perhaps the best they can do for themselves that day is work really hard on something that they dread doing, or work through something really hard, or maybe it is even giving themselves a break that day to slack off because we all need a mental health day every now and then. Perhaps a shake up is in order for you. Maybe you could have a house assistant whose job it is to pay the bills, stock up the tp and hit the grocery store. If you can hire out all that is not in your wheelhouse then maybe you will have a greater sense of getting it done! It seems like you have so many great things going (not perfect things)- book writing and blog, community of friends who support you, a fun family who sees life as an adventure. Maybe you just need to change your glasses- have you been looking at yourself for too long through someone else’s lens? Seems to me like the courage to follow an “out of the box” career path along with the audacity of truly open honesty on a public stage is pretty bad ass, and I would think most people would call that “crushing it!”
I have found that compassion for yourself is the biggest defense against mental illness. It took me 10 therapists and several rounds of medication before I found out that I actually had PTSD and three more therapists before someone taught me about compassion (and EMDR.) If you think you are failing, try having compassion for yourself instead. You are doing your best. We all are.
Yesterday was a fucking awesome day because I made it to the Bank AND the dry cleaners AND the grocery store. Then I had to take a 3 hr. nap in the afternoon. I have a little farm with 3 horses and 8 cats that I spend most of my time keeping fed and cleaned up after. Anything else I accomplish is a sparkler on top of a birthday cake type of thing. My bar of achievement is set at ground-level. We all do the best we are capable of doing at any given minute, hour, or day. Some days it’s a proud moment to still be alive to go to bed at night. We’re human. We struggle. And it’s okay. We don’t have to fit anyone else’s mold. And someone please put me out of my misery if I become obsessed with achieving a “Pinterist Perfect” existence. I have a pin board on my profile – “Projects I Probably Won’t Do”. Almost everything goes there and I feel really good about it.
I’m generally a happy person with a decent job, great husband and live in a beautiful mountain town. And I never fit in. I rarely say the right thing or measure up to anyone else and I will never live up to my potential. My mantra is to accept that even the “shiny happy” people who seem to have it all, but saying to myself doesn’t mean that I’ll believe it – but at least saying it makes me feel like I’m trying. I think Cosmo-like attitudes are what I measure myself against, for no real reason, other than I’m a Lisa Simpson in that I need someone to “rate me please!”.
P.S. Mental illness runs in my family but so far, I’ve won the lottery and not had to deal with it personally. However, I do see how it breaks down and makes my mom & sister feel like they’re so much less than they are. I’d like to think that someone sees me in the same golden light that I see them in, but it seems too good to be true most days.
What? No, these pastel people you’re so preoccupied with… they DON’T FUCKING EXIST. We are all in the same boat here. Give yourself a break.
Also, when somebody pays you a compliment, they’re telling you something that they feel. When you shit all over that because you don’t believe them, you shit all over their feelings. Try just saying “Gee, thanks.” It should make that a little easier.
Well, I don’t have any diagnosed mental illness, and I’d say I feel REALLY successful about 4 days a month. And, really UNsuccessful about 8 days a month. And the rest of the time I just kind of muddle through. The thing that keeps me going during the bad and mediocre days is telling myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, because that’s what grown-ups do. And I keep gong, and wait for one of those rare, wonderful days when I feel like I’ve aced everything, or providence has aced it for me, and my battery gets recharged.
This is completely normal. People just don’t talk about it.
Most people that you are looking at and envying for their seemingly perfect lives are just as fucked up as the rest of us. Anyone that posts constantly on social media about how much their life rocks is just as miserable as the moron that posts all of their drama.
I love all of your posts, you book made me nearly pee myself, and I think you are way too hard on yourself.
Jenny,
I haven’t read any of the other comments yet, but I find it hard to believe that most people feel like they’ve really accomplished something any given day (except my friend Crissy, we all know one of those). I have struggled with mild depression in the past, and some pretty severe PPD, but right now, mentally, I’m healthy. And I just don’t have the drive to feel like I need to accomplish a whole lot of things. Sometimes I think I could be a better mom – do more art projects or be more active with my son – but mostly I just focus on how great the the things I *do* do are. Like our snuggles and singing and bedtime stories at night. I am not supermom all day long, but for 20-30 minutes I am. I work at a job where getting things done is an accomplishment – but then I just have to do it all over again the very next day. And I’m not saving the world. Not even remotely close. I will certainly never be CEO. But – I don’t really want to be. I like my slow, boring life. I love it. My accomplishment last week was getting up early(ish) and catching up on General Hospital.
I wouldn’t say that I am completely without ambitions. But the things I really want are kind of far off (a bigger house, and some fabulous vacations), and the things I need to do to get there don’t really require anything other than time and saving money. So I am certainly not sitting there at the end of the day checking anything off a list.
Where I’m going with this is that I only ever felt like a loser failure when I was depressed. When I’m not depressed, and I take stock of my life, I realize that no, I don’t have everything I want, but if I never get it, that would be okay. I am content being boring and not ever running a marathon or scrap-booking or saving the world. So yes, I think you are seeing yourself through the lens of depression or at least have too many expectations of yourself. No one does big things every day. Not even the leader of the free world. Although I suppose anyone who doesn’t have to deal with congress probably should get more accomplished than the president…
So that’s me. Now I want to talk about you. I discovered you at a time that I was feeling like utter crap – right around when your book came out. I was exhausted, in constant physical pain, and could barely parent my 2-year-old son. I couldn’t even unbuckle his car seat – my husband had to make me a special tool to push the button on the buckle. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. As I was waiting around, doing nothing but sitting on the couch all day feeling like the biggest loser ever, on the wait list to see a specialist, I would read your book. And it was the only thing that brought me joy and laughter. I finished it, and read it again. And when my doctors appointment finally rolled around, I was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis.
It was really strange, and really important timing, since the only thing I knew of RA was the bit you wrote in your book about your own diagnosis. I can’t really explain what that did for me. I had been convinced that my life was going downhill and wasn’t going to stop. But here was you – this person who struggles with the same thing – being hilarious and writing books and making people laugh and raising money for charity and sending red dresses around the world. I know that’s not your everyday life. But I also know that I will never write a book or get anyone to pose with twine. I know I will never make people laugh the way you do. What I do know is that I have the capability of being an amazing person and a presence in the lives of the people I care about. I know that I will have bad days, but that I will also have some awesome days.
And I know that if you were superwoman accomplishing amazing things every single day, you would NOT have had that impact on me. I don’t fucking want to know about the woman with RA who trained for a marathon and ran it through the pain and finished in first place. Good for her – I’m happy for her – but no. She’s really not much fun to talk to, to be honest. She fails to inspire me in much the same way that Martha Stewart fails to inspire me. I will never run a marathon or fold a fitted sheet. Just not gonna happen. But you inspire me just by being yourself – good times and bad. Here’s this weird person who’s making it in the world and affecting people’s lives just by opening up. Now that, I can do. Not on the same scale, of course, but you make me feel like there’s this little spark inside myself that I can do something with.
I had a friend send this to me today and it seems very applicable to this post.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
I don’t have depression or anxiety. But holy hell people, what’s with the expectations of superwoman on a daily basis? From my husband to my parents to my friends, I’m the one expected to keep my shit together, be the over-achiever career climber who Leans In, keep the house like it popped off HGTV, present an impeccable appearance a la the latest Vogue, throw house parties inspired by Pinterest, and make babies in my free time; no pressure or anything. Some days it’s hard: I get stressed out by my to do list, feel guilty about not doing more, can’t appreciate any compliments on my try at the Batman cake from Pinterest because really it doesn’t look right to me, and sit down at the end of the day surrounded by piles of crap I should have done. Some days it’s easier: I look at the piles of crap, say F-That-Noise, do the bare minimum to keep us clean/fed and kick up my feet with my knitting and watch 12 hours of Gilmore Girls; hubs knows how to open the door to the fridge and do a load of laundry should the need arise. It’s surprising how much of the piles of crap fall by the wayside after awhile and ended up being something that just didn’t need to get done. 🙂
Oh, and I think I feel this way at least once a day. Cognitive therapy helps!
I would say that 85% of the time I feel like I could do better at all the life things. Sometimes I feel like if I had tried harder, or done some things differently, or not done some things at all… well… I could have a whole different life. I could be curing fucking cancer or something truly important. I have a good life, I am happy; I am what some would call successful. But I still made, and will probably continue to make, mistakes until the day I die. Some days I suck at life, some days I kick life’s ass, and some days just getting out of bed is reason enough to celebrate.
As part of your TRIBE, I would say that you are not alone in how you feel. As many of us have opened up to you and the rest of our TRIBE, we have all been there and sit in the day to day loathing of our lives. The start of school year always puts me in a FUNK because I am not the Mom who takes “first day of school” pictures and it make me feel like a loser to see everyone else’s cute pics. Alas, I have made peace with myself and I tell myself that it does get better eventually, every single time, one step at a time.
Miracles happen. Not all at once, but they do happen. My children KNOW I am there for them, but they know I can be crazy at times and very tired and sometimes all I got for them is cuddles, Big Bang marathons,and tea time. Still I am THERE sitting beside them and listening to their days and their hope and dreams.
Also as part of your TRIBE, I will put it out there that if you never write another book, we will be ok with that. We have your first book that we re-read constantly and we have photos from your book tour and for GOSH SAKES, we have BEYONCE. If you only write on this blog on the 2 to 3 days a month that you feel at your best, then we will be ok with that. As part of your TRIBE, we love all that you give to us because we know the effort it takes for you to give and open up. For REALZ!!!
Thanks for writing this post. It must have been difficult to put this out there, but as you can see you have struck a cord with us…again. We are all ok. Some of us just need more medication then others and we ALL need a pat on the back once in a while. You are loved and worthy and one step at a time…one step.
You’ve pretty much described how I feel most of the time, but I don’t have the balls to see a doctor about it, I just muddle thru. My son is a typical teenager & I don’t have much to complain about in that department. I sit in my dead end job day in and day out looking a decorating blogs & pretty pictures on Pinterest. I print out a bunch of these pictures on the nice color copier at work and add it to my 18″ high stack of pretty picture projects I swear I will do one day. I have an idiot husband who won’t lift a finger and doesn’t work “because of medical reasons”. He treats our living room like his personal space with shirts draped over chairs and stacks of crap on the coffee table. I remember when I got to “style” my coffee table & the only piece of crap on it was the tv remote. I use to be a BIG diyer but after loosing our house 3 years ago and moving into a rental it seems pointless to do anything.period. Plus I’ve burned out on doing things by myself. It’s nice to share a project, even if it’s just the company cheering you on. I miss my dad who use to love helping with this kind of stuff. I’ve had a stack of materials in my dining room for a year to build a wall of shelves in my kitchen. One side of my basement is stacked with unpacked boxes from the move 3 years ago – sheesh. Only time I get anything done around the house or yard, besides laundry & dishes, is when I swipe a few of hubby’s pills which put a smile on my face and a fire under my diy butt. It’s the only way anymore…………………….
I luv, luv, luv coming here & reading your blog. You have wonderful wit and I love your style of writing. I think this is the first blog where I read the word fuck & I knew I was home 🙂 And lordy do I love your decorating 🙂
I feel bad when you are depressed or not on top of the world – for selfish reason’s I guess. But you remind me that this world is not all the “pretty colored pictures” to print out and copy at home. I am not a bad person because no one comes in and shoots my kitchen for a magazine spread. And I am hoping you finish that next book so I can read and enjoy that one too! You are one of the highlights in my mundane world, where I work 8 to 5 and smile for my coworkers to fool them into thinking I have a wonderful life outside these buildings wall and that they should wish they were me 😉
Take Care!!!
Its not just you. I rarely feel like I’ve accomplished anything, and when I do I feel bad that I haven’t accomplished more.
Also, those perfect looking people aren’t perfect. They have the same problems as the rest of us. They’re just less honest about it and/or better at covering it up.
I think everybody feels the same way you do – except they’re not as honest about it. I’ve spent the majority of my life being way too self-conscious and over analyzing every single thing that happens to me. For a long time I even chastised myself for that – as well as all of my perceived shortcomings. But then I realized that all of those “weaknesses” are what give me the honest intention to be a better person and live a better life. If you look around you’ll see people all the time who just give up trying. They feel like they can’t be famous or gorgeous or incredibly rich so they just become incredibly depressed. I’ve come to feel like that’s such a sad waste of a life. While our lives may not be perfect, there are millions of awesome things out there that a begging to be appreciated. Sunsets, chocolate ice cream, a great song. So instead of being so self-obsessed – I’m learning to give those things more power in my life than my own insecurities. Who really cares what I do anyway? Only me. As a result I’m happier and…simpler. Simple is good. You’re funny, fun and insightful and that’s pretty awesome. And I think that’s good enough. Anything else you accomplish is just gravy! Keep on keepin’ on, sister!
Knowing I’m not alone in feeling like a fraud has brought me to tears.
PS: When you put up a blog post and it receives almost 3,000 comments in less than 24 hours, it means you’re kicking way more ass than just about everyone else on the Internet.
So fuck the PTA.
And picnics. Fuck picnics.
I rarely comment on your posts, but I’m an avid reader of your blog. And the first sentence of your second paragraph made me say, out loud at my desk at work, “Oh hell yeah.” And then I had to dodge a bunch of awkward stares from coworkers, but fewer than you’d think because I do that type of thing a lot.
Maybe 3 days per month, I feel like I’ve been able to accomplish something and be a successful adult. I spend most of my nights coming home from work, eating a box of cheez-its, messing around online or re-reading a book I’ve already read a dozen times, and falling asleep feeling like a failure because I wasn’t able to cook for myself or do laundry or balance my checkbook or do one of the hundreds of other things the go-go-go coworkers I have do. Or the people I read about online do. My weekends seem to evaporate before I can do anything except spend some time with my aging parents.
My behavioral therapist gave me a trick last month that is helping me control the anxiety related to the “I suck at being an adult and at life asjhdiofhwohg” feelings I get almost daily. The trick is to set three goals – two really simple things that I’m 90% sure I’ll get to anyway, and a stretch goal of one thing that intimidates me and shouldn’t intimidate a reasonable person. For example, today’s two simple goals are buy something healthy-ish for lunch (I have to get lunch for a meeting today, so that is doable), and drop a letter in the mailbox (I walk by one on the way home, so I have a note on my hand to remember). My stretch goal is to go to the bank and get cash in specific denominations. I loathe talking to people in person, I get flustered when I deal with money and asking for things, and it involves going out of my way when I’m heading home tonight and I am super lazy. But I need to do it, and I’ve put it off for 2 days, so I’m making myself do it.
And then I’m going to tune out the Stepford neighbors who will probably be hand-trimming their rose bushes or something when I get home, because I did what I needed to do to function in the world, and that is all anyone can ask of me.
You are so not alone – I totally could’ve written this (if I was a much better writer!) I have a feeling more women than not feel this way – I constantly feel like a fraud. God only knows what will happen when everyone around me realizes how much of a failure I am, right? I know you aren’t looking for compliments here, but just know that regardless of whether you feel like you rocked it 3-4 days a month, I read your blog far more often than that and you are always able to put a smile on my face.
Normal! In my (admittedly limited) experience, everyone feels like this – “The other days I feel like I’m barely accomplishing the minimum, or that I’m a loser.” That is not only the depression/anxiety/other lying to you but your very human, normal response to everyone around you and everyone you see on the media. I like the sentiment, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle of their own”. And I try to remind myself that I don’t know what else is going on in their lives, what is going on in their heads and what problems they are having to cope with.
As far as kids go, my knowledge is theoretical but the only key I’ve seen to happy children is unconditional love. As long as the kids know they are loved, everything else in their lives can be worked out. Actually, that probably works for everyone… And here I go rambling again, it seems that human nature loves the imperfect better than the perfect. So we are all okay!
I apologize if I’ve repeated something others have said – there are too many comments for me and my ADD to get through.
Virtual hugs from SC – you are perfect, Jenny, just as you are.
You throw a wide net
To answer your question twofold –
Yes, it is not just you – I honestly feel like this as well. Often. Most of the time. It sucks.
No, I do not think it is normal. *To an extent* it is, as I don’t doubt the perfect pastel people you mention work *very hard* to keep up that façade and underneath are (at least some of the time) as shame-filled and neurotic as you and me. Maybe not; it’s difficult to tell, but everyone has their own problems – my partner comes across as very relaxed and friendly and he struggles with anxiety and confidence; but with him it’s all inwards. You’d have to know him really well to get that. Perhaps it’s similar to the perfect people you see.
However.
I think it’s normal for everyone to be flawed and have doubts about themselves; however perfect they appear. It’s normal for people to feel like a failure and to be down on themselves sometimes. But it’s perhaps a question of quantity? I don’t think it’s normal for the negative to outweigh all the good or for it to impinge severely on your life on a regular basis. At least, I’ve heard things are not meant to be that way :p
I relate to a lot of what you said; I find sleeping really hard because right before I try and sleep all my doubts and anxieties, pressure and shame that I heap on myself surfaces and circles and I get too tense to sleep and there’s nothing to distract me. I constantly feel like a failure and no accomplishment I make overturns it; a lot of the time I feel it’s hardest to even bother trying; like trying is simply setting myself up to fail – I might as well stay in bed. (and yes, rationally I know not trying is the biggest failure of all, but I would certainly argue this is not about the rational mind! The problem is I *know* I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I know what I *should* be feeling, but that doesn’t make me feel it…)
I’ve been that if you act confident, you can convince yourself, then project it, then it gets projected back at you and eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; which absolutely makes sense (as we don’t live in bubbles) but…I find it very difficult to pretend…when I’m upset I’m visible upset, I find it hard to find joy in things – even things I know have previously made me happy and I always shoot for the most negative thing… I know the problems, the solutions evade me somewhat. And it’s ridiculous because there is nothing especially unhappy about my life; I’m secure, have a partner that l love and loves me etc…
I just seem to not like myself and be unhappy. A lot. Which shouldn’t be normal, no.
I have had a surprising summer, I’ve been fairly content and happy. Summer is my least favorite season so there are many reasons why I am surprised. yet I keep wondering how long this is going to last? Fall is nearly here and I get so excited about it all but this week I have been tired, and this little spot on the top of brain, the spot where I feel a deep void of nothing-ness seems like it’s about to get bigger. I don’t want to panic, but it’s there and it’s threatening my current state of stability. So I go to bed earlier and earlier but I only feel more tired. I appreciate what you have written because I remember when I only had 3-5 good days in the month. I don’t want to go back to that place. How about we decide together to keep going?
I’m not sure that I’m successful – but I have a tendency to get really worked up about “making progress,” “getting everything done,” and focusing on what I haven’t done, have missed out on, or haven’t accomplished.
This underlying frustration with myself and the world has led to an excess of blame and stress in my life.
I’ve tried many things in an attempt to “blow off steam” so that I can relax, refocus, and get more done with less attitude. And it’s seemed that the more things I do to try to reduce the build up of internal tension, the faster the internal tension builds up. I’m not sure if that makes sense – but hopefully it does.
Recently, I picked up a book called Buddhism: Plain and Simple. I’m looking at a lot of life changes and I figured that maybe a core change might help some of the frustration. No need to change external circumstances to be happy, if internally I’m still going to feel I’m not enough.
I finished the book a week ago, so the excitement is still very new. But, my stress had dropped to maybe 10% of what it was and I don’t carry around momentary frustrations anymore. They happen, I get annoyed, and then I move on.
The people around me have already noticed a difference. My interactions with others seem more meaningful and more fulfilling.
I don’t think I’m getting more done. But I’m good with that. I’m good with what does get done and I’m suddenly at peace with the world I live in. So, I’d recommend Buddhism: Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen. It’s a short, quick read, and doesn’t delve into religious rites and practices. It’s more the basics of Buddhism. Similar to how the basics of Christianity are “Love one another.”
Walk, outside in the morning. Let the sun shine in your face, let it touch as much skin as possible. It sounds dumb, but seriously this helps me like magic. On the days I don’t do this, I feel like a slug. I do it right after dropping the kids off in the morning. And I listen to Maroon 5, can’t seem to switch to anything else. It keeps me going!
A lot of people have mentioned this already – but I want to touch again on how important food and exercise can be to people with ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc.
I know it seems like a lot when you’re already feeling awful. Making real food is expensive and can take more time and effort. Sometimes it is the last thing I want to do after a long day. But after I cut out processed foods and most gluten from my diet, and tried to get more sunlight, magnesium, and other important minerals, I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way I’ve been feeling.
I had struggled with depression and anxiety for years – and every doctor I went to just prescribed more pills. They focused on an easy, reactive solution to treat some symptoms instead of looking at what may have actually been causing it or making it worse. I started doing my own research and decided it couldn’t hurt to try changing my diet. (Please note: I’m not saying that the medicine was bad. I just felt like it was a “blanket” that covered the symptoms instead of actually fixing how I felt.)
Again, I’m not perfect. Some days I have an entire box of Cheerios for dinner because I just can’t deal. And some days I slip back into the awful, self-defeating habits that I’ve been fighting for years. But most days, I’m feeling better.
you pretty much summed out how I feel 95% of the time. Definitely not just you….
I probably don’t qualify as “normal,” but I feel the exact same way most of the time. When I try to feel good about accomplishing something, my dirt bag brain is all, “Yeah, but you haven’t taken the dog for a walk in weeks. She’s going to die soon, and she deserves to spend more than 10 minutes outside a day.” or “Yeah, but you forgot to pay the cable bill two months ago. That’s a ten dollar late charge. If you got your act together, you wouldn’t waste money like that.” or “Remember that one time you said that stupid thing to that person. He probably thinks you’re an idiot now.”
Most days, I’m so exhausted from interacting with people at work that all I can do is go home and veg in front of the television. I want to be one of those people who gets home, changes, then heads right back out for a night of fun on the town. But that’s not me. For a while I tried to “push through” this feeling, but I always ended up paying for it in the end. Now I’m trying to just accept that this is a fact of my life, and tell myself that it’s okay to need to recharge.
Whenever I go into a guilt spiral, I try to remember that guilt is usually just a sneaky way of feeling sorry for myself while avoiding actually facing the real problem. And I try to ask myself what I would say to a loved one who’s dealing with the same issues. Like, if my mother or sister was telling me how guilty they felt for not getting more done because they’re too drained, I’d say, “You have to take care of yourself first. You work hard. You deserve to rest if you need it. Trying to ignore that urge is just going to make you feel worse in the long run.”
I was just thinking how inspiring it is that you deal with far more serious disorders than I do but you still found a partner and have a beautiful family. Some days I don’t think it’ll happen for me, but I’m trying to take baby steps towards overcoming my social anxiety enough to start dating again. Reading about you and your family gives me hope.
You’re definitely not alone.
Oh my god. Impostor syndrome is ACTUALLY A THING?
I wonder if that’s common for people with anxiety disorders…… But anyway. I have no shiny words of wisdom, other than to know that you’re not alone in this feeling. There are others of us out there who feel crushing guilt when dinner is a pasta with sauce and frozen vegetables more often than we’re comfortable with, or we’re not sitting doing baby flashcards with our seven-month-old, or we haven’t sent out any thank you notes for baby stuff yet, or we’ve been saying we’re going to clean the office for a year now, or on and on and on.
It takes a lot of remind yourself that the people who have it all together probably don’t and that maybe we shouldn’t be spending as much time looking around at all the ways we wish we were better. Easier said than done, I know, but we all keep trying, and maybe one day we’ll understand that that’s enough.
AMEN! I consider every day that I can lay in bed and say to myself “Good job you didn’t cry, scream or loose your shit in public” a good day. I too have a very hard time not beating myself up over the daily “whatever’s” and not being good enough. Just the other day I had a complete breakdown of how I am never going to account for anything. I’ll be single and bitter, and I wont have the career I’ve always wanted because that devil inside me screams I’m not good enough. So, sister friend hats off to you, because I get it.
I try to think of the silver linings of how I was even the tiniest of bit a good member of society. Even if its just climbing out of bed for the day.
If I had 1 day where I felt good about things, wow. I’m not sure I could survive that. Here’s the thing, I am one of those involved moms, as much as my son’s school will let me be. He goes to a special needs school, and they have a tendency to keep parents at arm’s length. But when I show up for school activities I have my hair and make up done, and I take care to arrange my outfit so that I look polished. It hides the fact that I’ll go for days and days camped on the couch in my pj’s trying to work up the motivation to do anything, and winding up just taking yet another nap.
After nearly 6 years of job hunting, I finally got hired as an on-call working retail selling cosmetics. The hours are sporadic, the training sucks, and the money is hardly worth it, but already I received an award for being one of the top sellers in the store. My reaction? “What a fluke.” No, it’s not because I’m good at it, it’s because I got lucky. And yes, I believe that’s true. No one at work knows that I come close to throwing up before every shift with anxiety, or that I go home and cry after every shift from depression. I stopped taking the meds months ago because we couldn’t afford them and they were making me gain so much weight I was sitting with a knife to my wrist at least once a week.
I have more started projects than I care to count. I also have a number of completed ones that I put up for sale. I’ve only ever sold one of my creations. To my father in law. I think most people are either not interested in what I make, or, in some cases, don’t really understand them. It’s fitting in a way since I feel very much the same reaction towards myself when people meet me.
I’m also a belly dancer- it’s the one thing that’s kept me sane this long. My dream is to teach since the particular style I’m so passionate about doesn’t exist where I’m living, but I can’t seem to make headway. Every where I go it’s just more doors slammed in my face. Worse is when I don’t actually receive a response to my inquiry, as though I’m not even worth that much effort.
Looking back on everything, I survived suicide attempts as a preteen (that know one ever knew about), I survived cancer as a teenager, I survived an abusive relationship as a young woman. I moved my son and I to New Zealand to start a new life there, and our family has now moved back to the States to start all over again. I’ve never stopped learning or doing. I learned costume design and stage make up, I became a certified barrista, I’ve taken business courses, I’m about to learn how to ride a motorcycle. And I can’t do a damned thing right.
The truly horrible thing is, though, that as I read all the comments thinking, “Just about everyone feels this way, even though it’s not true. Everyone’s accomplished so much!” But then I finish thinking, “Except in my case I really am a failure.” Because despite everything I’ve done, I just can’t seem to do anything right.
My blog title says it– a loser, pretending. I will say it gets better with age– I think I pretended to not give a fuck through my 30s and 40s and I’m turning 50- so, truly, I’m getting closer to not, seriously NOT, giving a fuck, which takes away a lot of anxiety. You think I’m fat, awkward, dressed badly? Think it, I don’t care. You think I’m a loser? I’ve come to that conclusion so many times and it’s not that I agree with you, it’s that I realize my opinion of me is a lot more important than your opinion of me.
It gets easier as your kids age, too. Having young ones is so hard, you want so badly to make sure your neuroses don’t hamper your kid. My son is almost 14– by now, if I was alcoholic or bound in a padded room he’d really be ok, he’s gotten ample love up to this point and his friends don’t care who his parents are.
As to the shiny pretty people– yeah, I don’t get it, I just know that vibe has never attracted me– all my friends admit flaws, as do the coolest and smartest and most interesting people in any room, including you Jenny.
It’s not just you. I don’t know if it’s normal, but I know it’s not just you.
I’m not sure how many ‘good’ days I have per month. I know I have really bad moments at least once a day. I have pushed myself into routines so that I can move forward every day. The days I can’t follow these routines, everything falls to shit. I spend a lot of time watching movies and crocheting because it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something, but I also can’t think very hard while I’m doing it. I clean a lot while blaring Flogging Molly because it tires me out and establishes some sense of order.
I was talking to my therapist last week about thinking I could probably do pretty well as a writer if I had any ability to actually submit things (which I don’t because I can’t sell myself or my work to save my life). When he suggested we take a session and talk about how to find an agent, I started laughing. I told him that it’s taking everything I have to just get through the day in one piece, so how the hell could I possibly take such a giant leap forward? He gave me that look that says, ‘We’re talking about that later.’ I get that look from him a lot and it makes me feel like such a failure. But the thing that makes it tolerable is knowing that I’m *trying*. I’m *surviving*. It hurts like hell and it sucks and half the time I feel like I will never, ever be at the point where any of this is tolerable. But, goddamnit, I’m still here. And the days when I find myself thinking that all of the bastards with the perfect lives and the lack of mental illnesses can just fuck off, that’s when I remember that I’m gonna be okay.
We’re gonna be okay. It’s hard, but we’re gonna be okay.
You are a strong, bright light to many many women. You are not alone, most of us are imposters, most of us wish to be Stepford Wives……just keep blogging and keep watching reruns……
Hello, my name is Laura and I used to suffer from GAD. GAD that sometimes turned into this storm of panick attacks and feelings of shame, vulnerability, and lack of self esteem.
If I’ve learned one thing in life it’s that people who think too much about their situation, or what they’re doing in life step by step are exactly the same who eventually get to suffer from depression and anxiety. I swear, every single person that could and was labeled an idiot, or douchbag did not stop to ponder for one second about what they were doing, or where they’ll be tommorow amd those are the people that are the most content about themselves. So after having this epiphany I really, really tried to stop from overthinking everything, which, for an anxiety prone person is the same as trying to fork over peanuts, but after months and months of trying something finally clicked and my anxiety started to fade away.
This was 6 years ago and I never had problems since. Sure there are a few instances my anxiety gets to a high level, but I always manage to keep it under control.
So I guess what I’m rambling on about here is that it shouldn’t even matter how many days a month you feel like you’re successful, because that should be a thought in the back of your mind and not dancing in the front all day. People sometimes screw up and sometimes succeed, life is a cycle of ups and downs. In the end are you happy with where you are? Is your life overall a happy one? If the answer is yes, then nothing else matters.
You have accomplished so much already, just the thought that you make so many people a little bit happier every day when they read your blog, that you’ve inspired a lot of people, that you’ve written a succesful book, that you have such a beautiful family – all this means you’re successful. Not for one day, or a week, or a month – forever!
I don’t think there is one person in this whole world that feels like they’re accomplished every day of the year. Unless they’re a narcissist. Or delusional.
Oh my gosh, I thought it was just me. Seriously, I go to bed most nights berating myself for the things I didn’t get done. I never feel like I got “it” right. (Well, almost never.) What you’ve written sounds amazingly, awfully familiar to what my own head grumbles about all day.Thank you for posting this! Maybe it is just the depression…or the anxiety, or the OCD…time to get my meds worked out again. (I wish I had something helpful or hopeful to add. Um, I recently started keeping a “done” list, and that’s actually been pretty helpful.)
I wish I had time to read all these responses, I’m sure there’s great advice there and I’m always looking for new good advice. This tribe is just the best!
So, about me . . . I’m super smart, sometimes funny, good looking for a fat chick, talented in so many ways . . . you know, one of those obnoxious got-it-all-going-for-me, full-of-potential, do-great-things-with-my-life kind of people. My parents aren’t even divorced for Pete’s sake!
I also have depression, anxiety, childhood emotional abuse, bullying trauma, and a profound sense of failure that I’m not “doing something” with my life. I’ve never held a job for more than 3 years, I’m currently a SAHM with aspirations of a clean house, which seems reasonable, and a freelance writing career, which is terrifying. Especially since my little girl just started preschool, so I have much more time that I don’t have to use coming up with answers to “Why?”. I believe I am disgusting and lazy and generally a worthless drain on society and if anyone ever got to know me, they would see all these terrible “truths.” When I get really down on myself I try and remember a couple of things:
1. Depression LIES!! Mental Illness LIES! My mind lies to me constantly in the mistaken notion that it’s protecting me from something. It has no compunction about prodding my most tender, vulnerable places in order to get it’s own way. I do my very best to remember that the terrible things I believe about myself are NOT TRUE, and then repeat what is True, that I’m loving and loyal and there are very good reasons why I’m doing or not doing something, whether anyone (including myself) believes that or not.
2. There ARE very good reasons why things are or aren’t happening the way I or someone else thinks they “should.” Even if I can’t figure out what they are. Even if the only thing I accomplish in a day is tossing PB&J and bananas at my girl so I can say I fed her, if it’s the best I can do that day, I’ve done my best and have no reason to feel ashamed of myself. It is the TRUTH. Really hard to believe sometimes, but worth trying to remember.
3. Most people, if not everybody, is terrified that others will see through them, to the cracks and the dirt and the imperfection. No one is as magazine spread polished perfect every moment of the day as we want to believe (about ourselves or anyone else). That’s just a fact. Even if they have something perfectly down pat, there are a lot of other things that they struggle with.
These are not new tips, and I’m sure someone else has mentioned them before, but when I’m able to remember them when I’m in a funk, it helps me regain my perspective. When I’m thinking about my good qualities, I have to forcibly stop myself (sometimes just saying it out loud, “Stop it!) from immediately and almost subconsciously responding with “Yes, but . . ..” When I catch myself saying that I cut it off as quickly as I can and reinforce the positive quality. “I’m a talented writer.” “Yes, but . . .” “Nope, stop, I am a talented writer. Period.” It takes a lot of concentration and effort, and sometimes I’m just not up to it and I wallow in misery for a bit. But that’s ok too.
I can only do my best. My best is good enough, even if I think it “should” be better, or more.
Much love, honey. You really, truly are doing a great job, no matter how hard it is to hear. I’m grateful for you.
I’ve never kept track of how many months a day I feel accomplished by the end of it, but I think that if I did, it’d just depress me. I try to never compare myself to others, but of course that doesn’t always work, and the worse I feel, the more I will find myself falling short of all that others accomplish, and then I’ll feel even worse, etcetera. What helps me is to keep reminding myself of two things: everybody feels like this to varying degrees even if they don’t talk about it, and I need to be realistic to and about myself and the fact that I struggle with depression. So I try to set myself reasonable goals, and on good days I will get lots of things done – and it doesn’t even matter if they were “minor” things or not, because I got them done without struggling.
On bad days, I’ll give myself a set of simple tasks, and try to do them all. Sometimes I’ll write them down because ticking them off once I’ve finished will give me a sense of accomplistihment, however small. It may be things as minor as getting out of bed before 10am, and tidying up after myself, and maybe doing some dishes. And I’ll try to remind myself that it’ll pass, and that making coffee isn’t as difficult as it seems, and neither is putting the cup back in the kitchen, or washing up some things, or even getting out of bed. I am not always successful but I’ll keep trying.
And then there are days where I feel moderately bad, but I can just about recognize that giving myself a good kick in the butt and doing something remotely productive will make me feel better. Going outside often helps too, and I recently started volunteering in a charity shop, which has made a huge change simply because on the days that I have a shift, it gives me a reason to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house. The work is simple, and it’s only ever a few hours in a row – but I come home feeling that I’ve done something good and useful.
TL;DR – I can’t speak for everybody, but for me personally the days on which I feel least like I’ve accomplished anything or are able to function as a human being are definitely also the days on which I feel most depressed and/or anxious. Short, simple tick-off to-do-lists help a little, as does going outside for some fresh air, and volunteering somewhere. None of these are fool-proof and some days I just cannot be reasonable with myself no matter how hard I try. I try not to compare, I try to push myself, I try to assess my mood and act reasonably and accordingly – but some days I simply fail at it all, and I only stop beating myself up for it once I’ve come out the other side.
By any measure, I have had a huge amount of success in my life. But as I read this, I thought, “Holy shit. She gets 3 or 4 days a month where she feels good about herself? That lucky bitch …” So .. yeah … alone? Not so much. Hey .. what’s your secret to getting those 3 or 4 days? Because I could use them …
We humans are quite the evil bunch, aren’t we? Do my three kitties compare themselves to your kitties to feel like they are unworthy or failures? I sure as shit know that they don’t. When I die, I want to come back as a kitty that is loved because THEY have the MOST AWESOME fucking lives!!
When my dark thoughts come flooding, and I get scared (which is happening more lately – ugh), I think of them and how they can just BE. No pressure to be perfect, or hunt a certain amount of moles to be considered successful (well, I might push that on them as I have a new continent formed under my lawn by those blind fuckers). They are just fabulous by BEING. I grab one and kiss him and pet him until he squirms out of my arms, meowing his displeasure at my overbearingness.
YOU are fabulous by JUST BEING. My multiple therapies and medications have helped me realize that my depression is cyclical, and like a previous poster, I have learned to reach out to what made me come OUT of it and I try to focus on it. Reading your words, laughing out LOUD a LOT while doing so helps. You are loved. I am loved. My kittyboys are loved. So embrace the love, say a hearty FUCK YOU to the bad thoughts, and know that you have a GAZILLION people out there willing to help you in ANY WAY we can. LOVE!!!
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make…
Here is HOPEFULLY something that will make your heart go pitter-patter:
http://flavorwire.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/tardis-bookshelf.jpg
Seriously, how could it NOT??? YOU.MUST.HAVE.THIS.IN.YOUR.OFFICE.
I never feel successful. I don’t even feel like I know how to be a grownup, even though I’m way over 30. I always feel like there’s something I forgot to do, but have no idea what.
Here is a secret about all those peopel who have shiny, happy, perfect lives. It’s often all a lie. The more perfect a person’s life appears to the world, the less perfect it is behind closed doors.
Those who let the world see their tarnished, imperfect sometimes f’d up lives are generally as happy or unhappy as you see them. Do we wish we could put together a happy shiny perfect life for the world to see, damn skippy. Do we feel like we are failing because we can’t? Sometimes. But you know what? We are doing the best we can and that is good enough. Eff the world if it doesn’t like it.
FYI, I have a shiny-happy sister. I know her life isn’t all roses as she projects, but I still feel like a failure next to her for my messy-imperfect world and sometimes it makes me cry.
Obviously, from the 2700 comments above mine, you are not alone. I constantly feel like a complete disappointment and I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety…or maybe I do and should totally get that checked out.
Every time I start choreographing a new ballet I feel the pressure. Will it be good enough, will people like it. I inevitably end up with choreographers block and it makes it even worse. Even when I do finish a ballet, I’m never satisfied with it. I just set myself up for disappointment. Maybe every artist is that way. If we achieve something great each time, maybe it prevents us from continuing. It’s the imperfections that keeps us going, if that makes any sense.
There are probably a few people who have their shit together, but I think most of them are liars just putting on a show for the rest of us. I constantly feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions and can’t be good at everything. It’s too exhausting. At least you can take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Not that it helps us be any less lazy, it just makes us feel better about being lazy.
your humor is your best weapon.it truly is! I read your crazy posts over again on days that are hard on me. it’s hard to not laugh. and that laugh is such a great release that you give all of us. I’ve gone thru years of really screwed up daily life wondering if certain family members were going to get better and survive. year after year my small family suffered blow after blow of members diagnosed with potential deadly disease. it could have sucked me down. it started to suck each of them down. we all decided every day to find the humor in the most screwed up of situations. if you can genuinely make yourself laugh everyday amist the drowning in seemingly bad, it give you a slight sense of “maybe I did win today. or maybe I survived it and it didn’t break me so I still kind of win”. finding a way to genuinely find humor in little things can inspire anyone in hard times. I make it a point to be a Polyanna and find one good thing every day. it’s amazing how that can work over time.
I only have a tiny bit of mental illness (that I’m aware of anyway) and I kind of go through the same thing. I have boxes from moves past all over the place. The thing that makes me feel the worst is that my son is struggling with going to school right now. He cries every morning except for the day his dad dropped him off. So then I started questioning everything I do as a parent b/c this man still has the ability (albeit only sometimes) to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
But then I heard my boy say something the other day while he was playing with one of his friends. He said, “Would you like it if I did that to you?” His friend said “no,” and my son said, “Well, then don’t do it to me.” And it was all so civilized (the boys are 4) and I realized that I’ve done many many things wrong in my life, but raising this boy is not one of them.
My house is a disaster, my job is just ok, my bills barely get paid, my car has dents from where I backed into my neighbor’s car, my family goes on vacation together without inviting me or even telling me until after they get back, but, you know, shit happens and I realized that at least 90% of things that people do have little if anything to do with me.
Also, read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin or Happier At Home (same author). Filled with little things you can do to boost happiness. Change your life without really changing.
I’m someone who looks on the outside like I have my shit together and I’m cranking stuff out all of the time. And still, the only thing I don’t have imposter syndrome about is feeling like an imposter–that’s not original, a friend of mine said it a couple of days ago. (See, there it is again). Your post describes my internal state perfectly, though.
I have anxiety issues and have been depressed (mostly situational) in the past, but cognitive therapy has worked enough so that I’ve never been medicated. I’m not even good at having something actually wrong with me. 🙂
I say that, actually, because I don’t want you to hear “Oh, this is normal, so suck it up, and deal. You’re worrying about nothing.” When I mean, “lot’s of people feel like you do that don’t have mental illness, and I hope that fact is comforting. Plus, people who seem to have their shit together either feel like you do or can compartmentalize and deny so thoroughly that I wouldn’t want to be like them anyway, and I hope that fact is comforting, too.”
There’s nothing inconsistent between gaining comfort in thinking that lot’s of people feel the same way but that it’s still not ok for that to be true.
It’s our fucking hormones. It’s càn be like a free ride to hell and back again . I can guarantee all of those pretty dolls out there become trolls when their front door closes and feel just as incompetent. Hang on tell after menapouse.
This is post #2405 or close, so don’t know if you’ll scroll down to read them all. I don’t know how you are feeling, because I’m not in your shoes. BUT, please try and concentrate on the positive and what you HAVE. Not what others HAVE or you perceive them to have. Just because they come across as organized and perfect doesn’t mean they are. There is possibly misery in their lives-stress for sure trying to be so perfect. You are talented (funny, gifted writer, although a little too profane for me but I still laugh). You are loved (by your family, all your friends and even by those who you don’t know are out there). You are lucky (to not live in Houston anymore- done it 3 times). You are on medication. Be thankful that you can afford it. Many many can’t. You have a house, food on the table and a supportive husband. Many, many do not.
So you don’t get a lot done some days. Waking up is an accomplishment. Be thankful you are alive and can snuggle with your precious daughter. That is an accomplishment in itself.
WE love you. God Loves you-even if you think Jesus was a zombie.
If everything was taken from us – talent, wealth, even sustenance, what would we have left to give? Love.
When we die, what is the only possible thing that we could take with us? Love.
Giving and receiving love is the only requirement for being successful at humaning. Anyone who suggests otherwise is about to try to sell you something.
Too bad you can’t be a fly on the wall and see into those other “perfect” peoples lives. They are far from it. I know that I have two porches full of dusty rubbermaids and boxes from my move, close to 10 years ago now. I run out of toilet paper and stuff all the time and, while I love camping and picnics, I don’t own a picnic basket and haven’t done either one in years.
Even those “fancy” people have their weeknesses. Life isn’t perfect for anyone. Rich people get cancer and toe fungus. It’s much more important that you enjoy your daughter and laugh with her. I know I love the mornings you make me laugh. You lighten my day and make me feel life IS worth living.
I feel the same as you most days. I look around my house and wonder how will I ever keep up? I work a full time job 5 days a week, I have 7 year old twins, 2 dogs, 3 acres of land to tend to and a house way too big to keep clean. I find myself looking at others wondering how they can ‘do it all.’ I see these shiny, happy Moms at school functions walking around with the latest, greatest clothes and phone and their kids are in the best clothes and I see fake and phony. Look past the shininess of others and realize that those people struggle with issues too but can hide it from others (and maybe themselves for that matter.) Maybe those shiny people are hiding money issues or marriage woes or are just struggling to keep up just as we are.
I try to break down my days in a way that makes it easier for me to get through it. I look forward to the weekend probably more than most people. I feel as though I truly accomplish something maybe 2-3 times a month. The rest of the time, I just make it through my day doing the normal daily chores of life. Paying bills, working, helping with homework, laundry, making dinner, packing lunches for the kids. It seems as if most of the day is taken up with the daily tasks that keep our life moving from day to day.
Don’t get down on yourself. Just keep moving. So what if you can’t be on the board of your local PTA. Hell, I live across the street from the president of the PTA who also works a full time 10 hour/day job out of the home. I have often wondered how she can do it all, how can she find the time in her busy day to accomplish all that she does. But then I take a good look at her and realize how tired she looks. And I see her youngest child who obviously yearns for more attention from his Mother. Being busy doesn’t make you feel accomplished. Feeling accomplished means you choose to snuggle under that blanket with your daughter and watch Little House on the Prarie. Those are the things she will remember most. Not that you were in the PTA.
Our success should not be measured by the things we haven’t accomplished in our lives but by the things that we have accomplished. Even if they are simple accomplishments. Here are a few of mine that I can think of off the top of my head:
1) I am financially responsible and not in credit card debt.
2) I have well behaved children who, at 7 years old, are better eaters than most adults I know. They are willing to try almost anything once.
3) I am a good gardener and I willingly give away some of my bounty to elderly neighbors who can’t garden themselves anymore.
It’s the little things, right? I am not trying to be anyone else. I know who I am and what I like doing no matter if it isn’t the coolest, trendiest thing.
Is your real name Sherri?
I hope this is just something that a lot of people don’t talk about. My husband is really super awesome at life. I’m not.
I realize that A LOT of this is due to the fact that I have brain damage from a stroke that I had 8 years ago. I was fair to middling at life before that, but I’ve gone from fair to critical. I constantly feel like such a disappointment to my husband, my son, my family. Always. I’m on anti-depressants and have back-up anxiety meds that I don’t take because I can’t also be a disappointment to myself (I’m on a ton of meds already).
Overall, my life is good, but I’m not good at life. Is that a thing? Is that possible?
I’m in the foxhole with you and I’m sorry that we are here at all.
I don’t know that any pearls of wisdom will really help that much, in the end, because I get the impression that this isn’t one of those things that is solved in a formed way, but I’ll add a bit, from the heart.
I am the person I am. I can’t change it, so it’s either fight her or love her. Sometimes I look at a photo of me at about 5 years old that I have in my quiet room. I’m on a very precarious looking swing dangling from an uncertain looking tree (which is still there these 40 years later, to both my surprise and alarm!) and my past shoulder length hair is a ratsnest of tomboy eden. I’m smiling and some teeth are gone. I look like the child of the witch that lives in that strange hut in the woods.
I imagine that girl is my baby. She’s strange and wild, both sure and unsure of who she is and whether she is even supposed to be here. I know her, and yet I don’t. I remember her, but not super clearly. She looks so happy, but a bit fearful, too, clinging to that swing like letting go would drop her into Mordor. (Her real life was like that sometimes.)
I love that girl. She’s not like other girls. Hell, she’s not even like other kids. She asks questions like “ok, that’s sex, but how do two things you can’t see grow into a BABY?” and “why is my sister’s baby brown instead of peach, like me?” and “if grandma and grandpa stopped loving my sister, how do I know they won’t stop loving me?”
I love that girl. When I meet other children like her, I love them, too. When my brother died and his stepson looked at me with fierce anger and demanded “nobody is crying! Isn’t anybody sad? WHY AREN’T YOU SAD?” I loved him more fiercely than I ever had before.
One day, unrelated, I realized quite by accident that I can love my strange, uber-candid, uncomfortably philosophical, irreverent, inappropriately-laughing, odd-looking, introvert in extrovert’s clothing, fearful, traumatized, strong, weak, intensely emotional self, too. The picture reminds me. If I can love her and ask her to be only herself, then I can give that to myself, too.
It doesn’t change the feelings of fraud, fear, or self-denigration. It just puts those feelings into the bucket of the other things I love, whether I like them or not, because they are part of this thing that grew into this woman, me, who it’s clear I am whether I feel great about it that day or not.
Even if I’m not supposed to be here, well, look, here I am anyway. I guess whatever made that happen was stronger that what might have opposed it, so there.
I don’t mean this as advice, just support and thoughts. I honor whatever you are feeling.
Sending you peace,
Ami
I think you are normal- but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay to feel this way just because it’s “normal.”
I suppose I could be called one of those “shiny happy people.” But I have dusty boxes in my corner, sometimes I go days without showering, and some days I feel stronger feelings of annoyance than love towards my child. But that’s not how I judge success.
Honestly, I feel as if I am successful nearly every day. I haven’t written a book, my blog doesn’t attract thousands, I’m not the best wife or mom. But I don’t judge my success by what I’ve gotten done or haven’t gotten done. I judge my success by who I am. And I am loyal. I am a hard-worker. I am a good wife and a good mom. I am a good friend. I am a good daughter and sister. I’m smart. I have a good heart. I’m compassionate. I care about others. And these truths make me successful, even if I laid on the couch all day. Everyone has off days. They don’t define success.
Keep your head high, show yourself grace, count your blessings, and make your own truth list. And believe it.
It is DEFINITELY not just you. I feel like I’m good at life about 20% of the time, I think. Most of the time I feel like a total loser who is just good at pretending I know how to be a person. And honestly, people like you, people I admire who *talk* about feeling this way help a lot. Like a ridiculous amount. Today I’ve been feeling like absolute crap for how little I’ve accomplished lately. So I really needed to read this!! <3
I would say once a week, I have a great day. Once a week I have a day of shit. The rest of the time I am getting by. Those “perfect” people? Illusion. They are just like the rest of us, maybe with better makeup. You only have to be who you are, and do what you want to do-which is hard. I think people with depression cannot help but set the bar high for ourselves, because the depression wants to win and if the bar is low it’s easier to beat the depression. Somewhere in New York there is a supermodel whose depression is lying to her. Plenty of the “perfect” moms are crying in their Lexus or having a 3 cocktail lunch before PTA. I get the good days by reminding myself that I only have to be who I am. Still think people lie when they say nice things to me, but then think well at least I’m a good actress.
Someone once said to me, comparison is a form of violence. It has echoed in my head ever since and I try to remember those words because comparison is what hurts me on a daily basis. Comparison hurts as much as a broken ankle would hurt. I am continually judging myself against the people all around me – some I see in the street who I don’t even know. It hurtful and we deserve better. I could tell you how awesome I think you are, but I don’t think that’s what you’re after. (spoiler: very fucking awesome.)
The ONLY thing I might add about possible changes is that I feel better when I eat right and exercise (I have no idea if this is an issue for you, it sometimes is for me to do on a regular basis). HOWEVER–I only do that a few days a month too. It’s a cycle. Some days I do well, some days I don’t. But I try to keep making the effort because I know it helps.
Rock on Jenny. Thanks for being so fucking awesome and honest.
There are nearly 3,000 comments, and there will likely be at least 1,000 more. You may never even get to read this comment, but my dedication is such (as is with most of your followers) that it’s worth it to tell you you’re worth it.
I am not depressed, and I’ve never been diagnosed with depression. I have a little anxiety, but it is a stressful time for many. Generally, I am optimistic.
If I’m lucky, in the average month, I feel I have 4-7 days of competency.
When I was young, I asked my father (who I believed could do no wrong), “Do you ever look back at a past experience and think, ‘Man, I was such an idiot, then!’?”
My father replied, “Melissa, I feel that way about *yesterday*. Hell, I think I was an idiot just an hour ago!”
Depression aside (because we all know it’s a liar) feeling like you’re fallible or a faker is MORE than normal – it is precious. Only true idiots and jerks are confident in their abilities all the time. Rather than berate yourself for your misgivings, give yourself a pat on the back for acknowledging that you are not perfect, and that you are on an ever-changing, ever-developing path to betterment. And if you’re feeling indulgent, remember all the lives you change positively, every time you publicly admit your fragility.
We all love you. We never expected perfection, and we welcome your humanity. ?
I’ll be honest, and say that I only truly feel successful when I’m holding or sitting with my 4-year old daughter- she IS my success. Anxiety, panic attacks, and depression are a norm for me as well, and accepting a compliment is not something I am good at either. Bless my husband, because even though I shoo them away when he gives them to me, he still continues to tell me I’m beautiful.
So from my point of view, everything you describe is normal. I know there are people out there that feel differently, empowered and strong, but I’m not one of them.
I will say, however, that instead of trying to make myself feel successful, I try to recognize beauty around me and blessings in small things. Even the blessings that come in a “wow I’m not as hungover as I thought I would be after drinking too much wine last night” package. That damn slow car that pulled out in front of me when I’m in a hurry? Yeah- he’s there to slow me down so that cop a mile up the road doesn’t stop me. My kitchen looks horrid, the living room needs to be vacuumed, there is still laundry on the chair that needs to be folded, there is gross stuff in the fridge that needs to be thrown out, and holy hell…. is that actually dog drool from my bloodhound on the door?! Yup- all true- but yet I sit here, with my precious and precocious 4 year old diva, watching Shrek 2 for the bajillionth time, because she likes the cat.
I have picked up a saying from FB postings from an animal rescue in Australia. I think it sums up my life, and am considering becoming part of the blogging world with it as my title. “As you do.”
I know I’m late and this is the millionth comment and you probably won’t read this far, but…
For the record, my hair hasn’t been washed in a week. From the outside, I think I look only slightly less stressed and depressed as I feel, which is at least honest, I suppose.
“I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt and shame of a million projects that never get done.” And “they” would know what, exactly? That you’re a human being? So, not only are you ashamed that you’re not perfect, you’re afraid people might actually see it? Oh, honey. I know.
I feel like I kick ass a minute or two per day, but rarely think that I’ve had a good day overall. When I try to look at it objectively, I know I’m doing a lot and I’m doing it fairly well… kids are alive and happy, we have heat and food, etc. But I don’t normally think objectively. I normally think I absolutely suck at this.
It’s amazing really how we can hold those two thoughts simultaneously… I *know* that I’m a good person and I’m doing a damn good job. But I also *know* that I suck and I fuck everything up. No wonder I’m so tired all the time.
So all this to say that basically I know what you mean, but yes, maybe you do need to figure some things out or change some things. Because I know that *I’m* not really okay either. Ahem.
Not alone. I feel like on paper I should have it all together but in reality I’m satisfied about 5 days a month.
I think that everything you described is part of being human. I also think that in today’s world we amplify all of those issues with the frenetic pace we’ve caught ourselves up in. You may have amplified more than me, but I have had every one of those feelings. Here are ideas that might help. I hope they do. I loved the first book and will no doubt love the second whenever it appears 😉
Lesson 1: Slowing down and doing one thing is NOT wasting time or unproductive.
(get bogged down deciding? Write them down and put them in a “Life Jar”. Pick one.)
Lesson 2: There are ways to help that don’t involve more drugs. And might, someday, let you cut back on existing drugs (no rush on that part. If it happens, it happens).
Examples: Bowen Therapy ( a cross between acupressure and massage that can affect emotional & mental issues). Bach Flower Remedies (treating different emotional issues with natural flower essences that remind your body how to be healthy. Side note: no picnics required ) Start with their Rescue Remedy, found at most health stores.
Lesson 3: Labeling a specific mental or emotional condition helps some people but actually gets in the way of other people being able to heal. In other words, If I say “I have this condition” do I then continue to try and overcome it ( I have named you and I will beat you! ) or do I accept it to the point that it has power over me and inhibits my life? Is there a neutral ground?
Lesson 4: Stick with 3. It’s enough.
If I’m lucky and working my program (I’m a compulsive overeater), I get 2-3 days a week where I feel not necessarily awesome, but that I’ve accomplished enough to justify the air I used.
If I stop my program and/or my antidepressants, every day of my existence is a miserable hole in the fabric of life.
You are absolutely not alone.
I am sure at least 1000 of the 2000 comments are something similar, but I read an awesome management blog that talks about impostor syndrome a lot (http://www.askamanager.org/2012/08/impostor-syndrome.html), but anytime I start to feel too much like an impostor, I think about the fact that pretty much everyone I meet apparently feels the same way. It’s like when you get out of middle school and you realized the bullies and the popular kids also felt scared and inadequate and were miserable the whole time, too. It doesn’t make me feel like less of an impostor, but it makes me feel like it’s not such a big deal.
I feel the same way about people on the internet. I know so many people who have messy lives who look great online (people I love dearly, by the way). Thinking about how complete strangers would think they have their shit together makes me evaluate those beautiful PTA moms a little differently.
For me, knowing everyone else is a mess makes my mess somewhat less awful and makes me feel less inadequate, so I hope maybe hearing this from your loyal followers gives you the same boost for those sleepless nights.
I have anxiety where truthfully most days it stressful to leave the house…. I know my daughter needs to get to school and that I have to work to support my family so I must open that door and go… I don’t tell my daughter or husband how screwed up I am because really they don’t need to stress too.. I saw a show once where a woman had some syndrome where she was afraid to leave her house and everyone talked about how she was totally nuts.. Every time I think I cant go I freak out and am like I cant be THAT woman..
So I have made my mornings a mad rush of activity to get me out the door without giving me time to really think about it. I have to be to work and drop the kid off by 9am so since I never wear makeup I get up at about 8:40 giving me just enough time to get dressed and run out the door. I know its a bad plan but so far its the only thing that works for me…
I saw a webcomic the other day where the main character is sitting on a bus running through an inner monologue that is just ripping themselves a new asshole. The next panel shows the charater looking longling at the other bus riders claiming they have their shit together. The last panel shows the inner monologues of all the passengers all saying the same thing “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
This is me. I’m almost 30 and I have no idea what I should be doing, who I am, or how I got to this point. I’m already divorced. I’m in love with a fantastic, yet just as crazy as I am, man. I’m so scared everyday one side of my crazy is just going to screw the pooch and he’ll figure out I’m a sham.
I suck at a job that doesn’t require much out of me. I know I could do better, but the motivation to do better never comes. I skate by and hate myself for it everyday. Finding a job that I actually might be great at or motivated to do my best… yikes I don’t want that pressure.
In terms of advice, I call a day a success if I manage to get up and shower and do the things I’m required to do by necessity. Granted that isn’t much, but for me its enough. If I try to achive more most days, I get overwhelmed and cant function from the pressure.
I feel the same. But I’ve come to realize that those “perfect” people are often the ones hiding the most. No one is that put together. Ever. Those perfect people are usually the ones that end up with really messed up kids because they are too busy concentrating on looking perfect, instead of focusing on being there for their kids.
Those moments with your daughter are your success. Just being with her. That’s it. Both of my kids swear that their favorite thing is Movie Night, which I came up with as my excuse to lay on the couch every Friday with both kids, turn my brain off after a crazy week, and avoid other people. Real life and social interactions are far too stimulating for me, and by Friday, I’m usually on the verge of some sort of anxiety attack or introvert meltdown. But the kids don’t know that. They only know that they get to spend 2.5 uninterrupted hours with Mom.
Don’t try to be perfect. Accept the quirks, see the humor in them, and move on with your day. The only person who’s opinion matters is your daughter’s. The rest of us mean nothing in the big picture.
3-4 days a month I feel really accomplished, and 3-4 I feel totally useless to life. Everything else lands in between.
I found that it got much worse when I worked from home on my own business–there are fewer external markers to show that you accomplished as much as you need to accomplish for a day. No boss to compliment you, no coworkers to be happy that you even just showed up that day. It’s endless when you work from home and for yourself.
The one thing I do have going for me is that when people compliment me, I believe them. I just always have. Maybe it’s because I’M always sincere that I assume everyone else is, and am truly flattered when they say something. Or it stems from wanting to believe that anything a grownup tells me is true actually is.
I Believe.
1. It’s not just you.
2. It’d be okay if it was (but it’s NOT).
3. I go through phases and just don’t tell anyone about it, because I’m not *supposed* to feel this way (objectively, my life looks pretty damn good, which makes struggling to function that much more unwelcome).
4. This is MY dark days song:
OK, the fact that I am the more than 2700th commenter, I hope, tells you everything you needed to know. However, in case it doesn’t let me add my 2 cents (which, odds are, you won’t have time to read, which is OK!)
I am a wife (married 20 yrs), a professor, a mother of two (boys, ages 13 and 8),and 43 years old, and I don’t have any additional medical issues that impact me. I maybe, possibly, think I might 50% of the time have my shit together this year. For the first time. Up until now, I’ve had multiple emotional outbursts which at their core are “I can’t keep functioning the way things are going or I will end up somewhere unpleasant.” Each time I had those, we changed things. We got rid of the cleaning people because I couldn’t manage getting the house picked up before they came. Now, much of the house is not clean for the vast majority of time. Like, dust bunnies everywhere, toilets we don’t use as much only cleaned for company, floors swept only when I step in something gross. We hired someone to cook for us twice a month (she freezes a bunch of stuff) so I don’t have to think about (and do) the meal planning, shopping and cooking and can actually help with homework without being brain dead (OK, I’m often still brain dead, but less so).
I’ve finally gotten into a regular exercise routine thanks to friends who will take my younger son before school two days a week and the fact that the kids can stay home alone together safely. I’ve now taught all the classes I created at least 3 times, so I no longer panic every week before I teach. I chose the very easiest possible PTA job, which requires truly almost no work, and I’ve had it for 4 years because then it looks like I’m helping when I’m really not.
It’s taken basically 20 years to get here. And it’s still ongoing. Every semester, we reevaluate – what is working, what is not, what can be dropped, what can I pretend I don’t see (the chaos of the basement and attic, the piles EVERYWHERE). Each year, there are more and more things that I just don’t care about or concern myself about, because I’ve finally realized that they DO NOT MATTER.
Hope this helps you (or someone else) – you are not alone!!
I doubt I have any days where I think, yes, I did it, I succeeded. I just take the little bits and use them to get me through to the next, or when my failure is shoved in my face, I turn around and try to make a positive out of it. Like my daughter the other day, she told me that she had been in the same underwear for 2 days and 2 nights. I was thinking, shit, I need to give this child a bath and pay attention to her, she is 5, by the way, and then I was all, oh YAY, that means you haven’t peed the bed in 2 nights. Little things like that.
To be completely honest, THIS is the reason I keep reading here.
I feel like, “fuck yeah, I was a normal human being today!” about five days a month.
Most other days, like today, I am wondering if what I’m doing even counts as living. Is it really living when your greatest accomplishment of the day is emptying the dishwasher? Not loading it, or rinsing off any other dishes, but just emptying it?
And I have to DECIDE to keep on going, to keep on living. I have to seriously force myself to realize, that YES I should keep existing. Because if I don’t, who’s going to empty that fucking dishwasher? Or change my kid’s diapers? Or educate my oldest daughter?
I’m not a very good human being. Today has mostly been spent obsessing how incredibly awkward I was to my daughter’s new ballet teacher yesterday.
Her ballet teacher that’s probably 20 years old. And hangs around little kids all day. I’m worried that she thinks I’m a total psycho because I can’t talk to adults like a normal human being.
But, tomorrow might be better. It probably will be better. Because it’s Saturday. And Saturdays we grill out.
I won’t tell you how awesome you are, because I know how hollow compliments seem when you feel all shitty about yourself.
But you’re not the only one. I haven’t written a book. I don’t have a hilarious blog. I don’t have an audience at all except for the two munchkins that call me Mom. But… I know, that when I rock – I REALLY rock. And some days, I totally make life my bitch.
Maybe not very many days.
But those are the days I put in my highlight reel to go back and look at on days like today.
And now I’m done rambling.
Most people feel the way to describe AT LEAST some of the time, and some more than others.
1. In my corporate experience, it seems to bear out that the highest-performing team members are also the ones who are inclined to torture themselves in just the way you describe. I am not sure why that is, but perhaps *feeling like a failure* drives people on to better performance. Or maybe there’s not causation, but some other correlation. Perhaps there’s something inherently delusional/self-doubting about high performers. Theories abound, pick one you like. 🙂
2. I read something recently on reasons why women don’t get ahead in the workplace more often. Aside from the (to varying degrees of acceptance) “endemic unfairness” issues and “occasional male asshat” issues, there’s this factor that may apply to your question: [generalities alert!] MEN tend to apply for positions they aren’t fully qualified for, on the assumption that they will learn the pieces that are “required” but they don’t currently have experience in. WOMEN will not apply for a position unless having all the listed “requirements.” The research when on to say that MEN may feel like they are competent, and just need a chance to prove themselves (or they are more comfortable with the “fake it til you make it” mentality) while WOMEN with the same skills & experience as their male counterparts *** tend to feel like they are imposters *** just waiting to be found out as not really as capable/talented/skilled as people think.
So if there’s any merit to either item above, I think you’re completely normal, for an objectively high-performing female person in America. Except that you say what a lot of us only think.
Wizard of Oz: A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.
“Part of it is that I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off.”
I’m just saying, THOSE people don’t ACTUALLY exist, either. EVERYONE lives the way you live, hoping to have a greater success than just unloading the dishwasher. In the last year of my mother’s life (she was killed in a car accident), I “advised” her to CELEBRATE every success, even if all she accomplished that day was taking a walk or getting a load of laundry washed. She had no anxiety or ADD, but she did have Chronic Fatigue, and she was tired of being tired and tired of complaining about being tired. If depression is genetic, I got mine from her. But by the end of That Year, she confessed that she felt good and she was Happy. She had found a way to celebrate one success a day. So that’s what I do, when my depression kicks in (or at least, that’s what I TRY to do). If I have managed to shower, then I have had a success.
WE need you, Jenny. Hailey needs you, Victor needs you, your family needs you. Being present is success enough. The words you write are just bonus for all of the rest of us. 🙂
One of the best things you can do for your daughter is be happy with who you are and what you have. PTA is over-rated. Think about that guy that is sooo freaking happy just sweeping a floor. What the hell makes him so happy sweeping a freaking floor? Perspective. Being happy where you are in life. I’m not gonna lie, I do feel like this at times. But I remind myself everything that I am thankful for in my life and how far I have come.
Blog on girl, blog on
P.S. Did you break the internet with this one?!
Just remember- you have a 100% success rate in getting thru the bad days. the doubting days, the painful days even if all of those days batter you a little more. 🙂
We’re a sorry lot, aren’t we? And human.
I wonder, because we are raised to be “successful”, that when we achieve a success we see it as a matter of course, as if it is the minimum we expect from ourselves. It comes with no great feelings of achievement because, duh, that’s what we’re supposed to do. We are left wondering, how successful do I have to be before I feel successful?
I have learned to find satisfaction and a feeling of success in much smaller things, like making my husband laugh, riding my horse, being a true friend, and ordering the salad instead of the fries. It’s the little things that truly, and only, matter.
Youre not the only one – I mean, just look at the number of comments. Including this one.
I have many of the same problems with anxiety and depression and, as I start to get older (I turn 40 next year) the feeling of utter failure gets imbedded deeper into my brain. I have a great job that I think I’m kind of good at some days, but I pour so much of myself into my job (all the while fearing I’m going to get fired for one reason or another) that it feels like there isn’t much left to live a life outside of work. I’m single and have no children – another FAILURE on my part, right? – and as my parents age and I age I worry about going throug aging alone and dying alone. Maybe dimentia wont be so bad – maybe I can make up a new life… Anyway, most days I’d rather just stay in bed or hermit in my house than actually get out and try to enjoy life. My social anxiety is getting to the point that the effort it takes to be “social” feels crippling most of the time.
I know that since I have started following your blog that it has made me feel not so crazy/alone, but doing something that would change my life seems almost impossible.
I dont have depression or anxiety so I cant say that I completely understand all of this feeling but I’ve just recently had a baby, my oldest started school, and I went part time at my job. These all are happy things but it’s also really stressful when you have to take care of two kids two cats and a household so I get a bit overwhelmed and feeling the way that you described and I decide that each day I’m doing the best that I can and then think of one small thing that I can do better tomorrow so that I have a goal for the day. Then I spend a few minutes thinking about all the things that I”m greatful for like the fact that even when I feel like I”m falling apart, my children and husband are happy and well cared for, that we have jobs, a home, that there are people who love me ect….find a way to find the positive, no one is perfect at life and the shiny people are working very hard to cover the imperfections in their life.
I’m late to respond because I haven’t stopped thinking about your post and how I could possibly express how I feel.
As so many others before m have said, it is not just you. My life looks perfect. And I do see how fortunate I am. But somehow, it doesn’t stop me from feeling inadequate almost all of the time. And like I’m failing at everything. I feel shame at what I am not doing well enough pretty much every day.
The moments I have where I feel good and like I have accomplished things are fleeting.
I hate that you feel this way too. Know this–you have made my life better. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your writing. Thank you for that. I wish I could make you never doubt your worth.
Clearly, there are a lot of people who feel the same way, and care enough to tell you. We’re all in this rickety boat together.
For me, I try to force myself to accomplish something that has immediate, VISIBLE impact of “holy shit! I’m getting something done!” Like mowing the lawn – one short swath and those knee high weeds have become a neatly trimmed piece of lawn, which usually propels me to finish that job. Some weeks, that’s all I can take. Others, it leads to more instant gratification style jobs, which then hopefully lead to less visible ones (like opening the mail, paying the bills, going to the post office/bank/etc), which if I’m truly lucky bust me out of the trap for at least a little while.
I totally 100% see myself in your post…it was like reading about myself.
4-5 days at the most…
My activity for the day is integrating the stray cat we adopted with our 2 other cats…I can’t fail at that as cat lives are at stake…but to give you perspective on where I am with it the new cat is napping in my unmade bed that I need to make in case the realtor shows the house but I refuse to wake him up and make him move…so I’m just gonna lay here with him and read your blog and these comments and realize I am not alone with this stuff I struggle with every damn day
Xoxo
It seems a lot of us can relate and suffer from some form of psychosis. I think the important thing to note, and what we all forget is- that as much as our issues can control a huge part of our lives, we still have the faculty to realize how we are feel is ridiculous and frustrating. The ability to reflect makes me believe we have the ability to change. First step is recognizing the problem- right? On the days I feel like a shitty person and haven’t accomplished anything… I do something small, and donate a few dollars to a charity. It’s selfish in some ways and I still give myself a hard time- was it enough money, should I have chosen a different charity, & OMG I am using a charity to make ME feel better.. I am the worst! But you know what? I DID SOMETHING. Even if it’s just a little something. I try and remind myself that 5$ helped an animal shelter and that even if I can’t get out of bed, I still count. So on the lowest days when I am hermiting, (I cannot believe hermiting isn’t a ‘real’ word) from the world and feel the lowest of the low, I try and do something positive…. and you know what? It helps… Just like your blog helps so many of us.
I’d say 4 days a month. This is a serendipitous post for me because yesterday I sat down and realized something really crazy my anxiety has been telling me. I recently started one of the most prestigious doctoral programs in the country in my field and I’m feeling like there’s no way I’m can to be successful. My friend, trying to help, said, “they wouldn’t have let you in if they thought you would fail”. My brain said, “Well, i tricked them into thinking I’m smart enough/good enough/hard working enough to succeed”.
How terrible that we have to think so little of our accomplishments all the time…
You say depression lies, I say anxiety lies. Thank You.
In my opinion even the most outwardly appearing successful people are just treading water. What is happening in private is NEVER what is presented in public. I’ve had a pretty challenging life, and I only purchased my first “real” car (it starts, stops when it’s supposed to, and everything works on it) 3 years ago and I am 47. I work “my ass off” and still it feels like nothing is ever done. I am trying to be honest with myself, but I figure that even “working my ass off” I probably only accomplish about 4 or 5 days (8 hour works days) of real, got things done, I smoked that shit, I’ve completed stuff activity. The rest of the time is “meetings” with coworkers which almost always devolve to what we call “donut” conversations. Meetings are scheduled to be 4 hours long every Wednesday. But, we actually work about 30 minutes of that time and the rest is just random shit we talk about.
My desk is covered with papers, this is an absolute truth. The whole desk except for the space for my keyboard is covered with old coffee cups, lotions, keys, mounds of papers, files, unsigned checks, requests for information, payroll BS. In the top right hand corner the pile is at least 4 inches tall. The left front corner two piles–one in front of each other both are about 3 inches tall. Every night I lay in bed trying to inspire myself, psych myself up to go in early first thing in the morning and clean that mess up. I am sure I will find a bunch of things that were supposed to be done weeks ago. I have anxiety that there are things under there that could get me in real trouble because I haven’t seen them in months. I go to bed invigorated, tomorrow I will get that shit done. Next day, there is always some reason why I don’t have time, or am not motivated, or I have convinced myself that I can do it “later”. Sometimes I even plan a day on the weekend to come in find the top of my desk. Never happens. Wish me luck. Hopefully I wont go to jail for not signing a form and putting that sucker in the mail.
THANK YOU for writing this. I can identify with so much of what you’ve said. I am also considered successful, but most days I feel like a failure and a fraud. I am incessantly being complimented for my intelligence, but I live in fear that one day everyone will realize that it’s all bullshit and that I really just know enough to get by. I feel like I know and understand so little about the world. I graduated from college with the honor Summa Cum Laude. I had a brief moment of pride followed by a strange break down because I did not want them to print it on my degree. I just felt like the designation perpetuated this false idea that I have my shit together.
I am constantly being referred to as a “super mom” and it makes my skin crawl. People call me that because I’m in grad school and I hold down a job, and I am the mom who feeds her kids all the “right” stuff and knows “everything” about child rearing. It’s a joke. My house is a disaster. I rarely ever invite anyone over because I have to spend three days cleaning just to make it look like a normal messy house. I do feed my kids a very healthy diet, but I obsess over it. I pour over studies about nutrition and get overcome with anxiety thinking about my kids getting cancer from pesticides, GMOs, refined sugar, and on and on. And then I pour over studies about eating disorders and worry that I will make my children sick by denying them junk food.
I’m not on the PTA and anytime I go to their school I feel like I’m classified as the “weird hippie mom” because I’ve got a few tattoos and I don’t have a handbag that matches my shoes and I send my son to school in pink (because it’s his favorite color).
People also praise me for being “such a good person” because I am very passionate about many things and I am an advocate for several causes. What they don’t realize is that I feel bombarded with emotions when I look at the state of things in the world. I don’t just rail against injustice and then fall into a peaceful slumber. I feel sick with stress anytime I contemplate how many people are being harmed in any given moment. And it hurts my relationships because people think I’m too uptight and can’t take a joke, but I feel like it’ s a part of me I can’t change. Sometimes I wish the Apathy Fairy would come down and sprinkle me with I Don’t Give a Shit Dust so I could just relax for five seconds. But I can’t, so I try to help make things better, but I know I’m not doing all I could (which brings us right back to the failure/fraud shame cycle).
Soooooooooo… yes, I feel like I really understand where you are coming from. I too have my share of mental illness (PTSD & GAD) and I also take meds and go to therapy. When I was having some really dark days people would tell me just to look at my beautiful little munchkins and know how much I’m loved, but what they don’t understand is that sometimes feeling unworthy of their perfect little love is the hardest part of all of it. I’m started to think that most of us who are “successful” feel like we are getting too much credit. No matter how shiny the exterior, under the surface we’re all battling something. Even those Pinterest moms… especially the Pinterest moms.
Thanks for sharing this and I hope my ramblings made a tiny bit of sense. You have a couple thousand responses to this, so you probably won’t read my comment, but if you do I hope you know that knowing that I’m not alone in this really has made a difference to me. And I KNOW you didn’t want compliments, but whether you like it or not, you’re doing something pretty fucking wonderful here.
I want you to be my daddy,
Jess
me too. feel the same. I’ve been writing about it. I think we’re all the same deep down. Here’s part of my story. http://wp.me/p3sdFJ-hx
It took me a long time, but I finally realized that all the perfect shiny people who I thought I was inferior to also have their problems, weaknesses, and imperfections. We all just put the pretty picture out to the world and keep the dirt mostly to ourselves. So the only reason I thought they were better than me is that I wasn’t close enough to see the dirt.
I would say, and this has varied a lot throughout my life, I’m “kicking ass” maybe 1-2 days a month. I’m probably also useless 1-2 days a month and sort of normal, reasonable productivity the other days. But I’ve had phases where I was dragging ALL the time. But then, I have far fewer medical problems than you do, so if I had your issues, I’d be productive exactly as much as you are. Actually, maybe even less because if you accomplish all you do in 1-3 days a month then your level of kicking ass FAR surpasses mine and I bow to you! (And don’t go thinking that you should just not feel anxious or have depression. That’s like saying you should just not have a broken leg or something. It doesn’t work that way. Anyone who has suffered from those things knows that in our heart of hearts. It is just easy to fall prey to the idea that we just shouldn’t be that way. FALSE!)
I also have to say that you are very real. Most people are fake. I love real. You may have an anxiety disorder, but your heart is loaded with courage because that’s what it takes to be real. The truth is, that you should be patting yourself on the back and feeling proud because of who you are, your realness, how much you accomplish in spite of the shitty hand you were dealt in the health department, how you keep going in spite of it, and because of the light that you are in the world. Truly. You help people. What better thing can there be than that?
So thank you. Thank you for being. Thank you for making a place where so many of us can find our tribe. Thank you for keeping going in spite of it all. Thank you for keeping going even when you can’t go and every attempt to climb out of the gravel pit just has you sliding back down to the bottom. Thank you for sharing your struggles because it helps the rest of us to know that others struggle too and it doesn’t make us bad or weak. It makes us BADASS!
My heart is feeling this huge hug for you. I hope the verbal hug comes through.
I feel like I totally kicked ass and was a responsible adult about twice a week. If I’m having a REALLY good week, sometimes I can get that feeling two days in a row. But that’s not often, being a good adult for that many hours in a row is frankly exhausting. The rest of the time I just feel like I’m taking up space on the planet, honestly.
Besides going to therapy and taking my meds (which you are also already doing), I’ve found that participating in regular activities with other real women (read: women who don’t pretend their lives are perfect) really helps. And for me personally, that regular activity is roller derby. It’s a physical and mental challenge that takes me out of my brain just enough to give my neurotic self a break. Plus the other derby women are just as badass and fucked up as me. The solidarity is nice. And the days that I feel like a functioning member of society more often than not happen the day after a derby practice.
I hope you find that thing (or things) that works for you, Jenny. But even if you’re only functioning that one day a week, that’s okay too. All those perfect people on FB and Pinterest and the blogosphere are faking it. Or, they’re one perfect life post away from a complete breakdown. We’re all a little fucked up inside – some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
It’s not just you. I totally understand what you are saying. And I wish I had words or wisdom or advice, but I don’t. I am trying to figure out what works for me – and doing a poor job of it. I’ve even taken to writing out the words from The Help – “I’s Kind, I’s Smart and I’s Important”. I have no idea if this is going to work but I’m going to try it. SOMETHING has to help. Just know you are not alone in your feelings. I feel like I waste so much of my life because I’m just trying to “make it to…” so much. “If I can just make it to Friday it will be ok”. “If I can just make it to lunch it’ll be OK.” Blech. I’m a mess. Hang in there. I’m sure with all of the posts something in there will help you.
If you are using an iPhone/iPad, a Windows PC, or a Mac… you are using software that I helped to create (I’m a software engineer). My work touches millions of lives every single day. By pretty much any measure I am a highly successful person (I have a great family, supportive friends, the best wife on the planet, and have more money/toys than I know what to do with). But, each day I wake up *knowing* that everything in the past was luck. People who look to me as a role model are deluded (or worse, I’ve somehow convinced them that I am someone I’m not).
Most of the time I hate myself. Sometimes the self-hatred is so complete that I actually feel bad for the air I breath – it is cursed because it was forced to enter my horrible body.
Are you alone in the way your are forced to deal with life? No. You have depression and you are more than intelligent enough to know what that means.
I realize that it is pithy (and that you’ve probably read it before) but I’m including it anyway.
“Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door.” -martha manning, undercurrents
Have never posted before, but felt like this one should be my virgin attempt. I can’t imagine what you must go through on a daily basis and I know that you didn’t ask for this type of reponse, but I want to let you know that what you have done and the community that you have created with your honesty and letting us into your world makes a difference to and has an impact on hundreds and thousands of people on a daily basis and for that, you should know that on a daily basis, you HAVE done something good and HAVE accomplished more than many people do in a week/month/year…pick it. Even if you daily don’t feel like you’re accomplishing something, someone might be reading an older blog post and it may change their day. Hell, when I’m having a bad day at work or just want a good laugh to break up the afternoon I come here and search for “Hunter S. Thomcat” and let the laughter begin. My friends are all talking about when I’m going to get my 5 cats to “von trapp” on my stairs and my collection of tin animals, thanks to you, grace my backyard and make me smile. So whether you think you physically or emotionally accomplish something every day, please know that while you may not be able to cross it off on a “to do” list, your accomplishments are seen and heard. And you are not alone in this feeling, sometimes it is a good day when you get to the bank. And that has to be enough for that day.
I haven’t figured out how to fully embrace this, but I try to remember it as often as I can to keep the negative garbage to a minimum. The religious aspect is not for me, but the recognizing that even just doing one thing right is ok, you can accept that, acknowledge it, celebrate it and then move on to the next thing and not have to stop and drown it out with all the other things that weren’t quite right.
http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
Well, I doubt you will get a chance to read this since I’m like number 2745 BUT I felt the urge to write it anyways. I only suffer from depression or at least thats what my doc told me a month ago. After being on the pills I don’t feel the urge to lock myself in the bathroom and have an ugly cry… as much. I have 2 little girls, 3 and 5. I found myself yelling at them a lot and then I felt so horrible afterwards I had to over compensate. I don’t go on Pintrest and it makes me gag to see all these cutesie moms out there. I do fun things with my girls, play dress up, do crafts, color, chase each other with Nerf guns and so on. There are not any moms out there that are perfect. Just a bunch of posers trying to Up each other in the game of parenting. I feel pressured into joining the PTO only bc my friend is the VP of it. I am already having anxiety issues over it. I don’t do well with new people and especially if they are all “hands on” with their kds a little too much. Plus I really REALLY suck at making small talk. So yeah, I feel like a failure as a person. I feel like I could be a WAY better mom and wife. But once in a while I feel like I just totally kicked ass and I want some fuckin’ recognition! Someone to slap me on the ass and say good game. C’mon. So maybe I can make a deal with one of my gal pals where we will just randomly show up at the other ones house and give a good game slap on the ass.
So, shit this comment got long. In the end I conclude with “Good game! Here’s an ass slap!” You deserve it!
One more thought: Everyone’s inner life is more complex than the surface implies. The illusion of Other People’s Perfection is exacerbated online because nature of an online presence (for most people) is that we can only put forward what makes us look/feel successful. The people with Pinterest pages that put others to shame still have messy lives in other ways (if they are human, because that is human nature). Virtually EVERYONE has dusty boxes in some corner of their life, or days when getting out of pajamas feels like it would be more effort than the potential payoff. Sometimes our greatest successes in the course of a day are in the things we can’t see or measure. And maybe that’s best: it keeps us from becoming needlessly or unwarrantedly proud of ourselves.
One success you can count, and may not have yet: you gave voice to the fears of many and reminded us all that BEING HUMAN is not, in fact, the same as FAILING AT LIFE.
{Hugs} to you Jenny.
You are a VERY successful human being because you make me (and so many others) feel; whether it’s that I am laughing my ass off or crying my eyes out, you make me feel in what is otherwise a stoic state of getting through the day, through the struggles, the not good enoughs, the I can’t do it.
Maybe you think you are productive only few times a month but you are, to be frank, wrong. Your blog, your book, your perspective, your honesty, your sense of humor contributes so much to all of us. You are making a contribution and impact on people’s lives, that is what makes you a successful human being EVERY DAY. All sages, spiritual leaders, wise women would say so.
Depression lies, don’t trust that asshole, trust all of the people who are part of your journey (us) and all of the people you inspire.
I am so grateful for you, you are an amazing woman!
I will join the thousands of other comments and say, no, it isn’t just you.
The only thing I am finding helping me accept myself, faults and all, recently is to follow Louise Hay’s advice to tell myself every single day ‘I love and accept myself exactly as I am’. I am shocked how much that one little sentence has started to calm my anxieties. Also, no one else has their shit totally together anyway. Where did it all go so wrong that we all feel like we have to perform wondrously to get an A on some cosmic report card?? There is no report card. There is just the meaning we attach to everything. As a friend of mine once said ‘we are animals, our only purpose here is to eat, have sex, sleep and play – everything over and above that is nonsense and we should treat it as such’.
Also, I had a very bad episode of depression a few years ago because I was reading a lot of blogs and thinking that I had to try and be everything to my kids. So, I would read a blog about the woman who throws wonderful parties for her kids and then I would read about the musical mum and then about the hiking mom and I got it all twisted into thinking everyone else was doing ALL these things and what was wrong with me? Until a dear friend of mine who is an accomplished composer (seriously I was so intimidated even meeting her) was blown away one day at my house because I could twist a pipe cleaner into a little superhero shape for her boys. I remember standing there and thinking ‘holy crap, there is something SHE admires about ME’. It was a defining moment. Then I realised that I was ‘crafty mom’ and it is fine that that is my thing. I can’t be everything and I don’t need to be. No one else is either. I still read a lot of blogs and the ones I love most are the ones who put up a photo of how their living room normally looks after the weekend (when not cleaned up for a photo to show the latest cute DIY) and people like you who are so honest about yourself and welcome that in others.
I hope all these responses have helped you in some way. There is a lot of love in this little corner of the internet.
I’m not one for blowing sunshine up the a$$ so here’s my honesty: I rarely feel like I kick ass and I rarely feel like a total failure at life. I’m not saying I feel like a success at life, just not a total failure (at life – other things, yes). Maybe if I had a kid I’d feel differently. But my original intent here was not to say how I can relate to what you wrote. Because I don’t. Not really.
What I CAN say is that all those shiny happy plastic PTA people are not really that shiny and happy. They never are. No matter how good it looks from the outside, trust me, NO ONE is sitting around being truly content unless she is sipping a mai tai on Maui and even then the condition is temporary. We are our own worst critics. And you just proved that in what you wrote. You hold yourself to a higher standard JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. With a few exceptions that usually occur in the form of total vapidity.
I doubt very much that you will stop holding yourself to this higher standard, but there are tricks for making you feel better about it. It’s along the same lines as picturing the audience naked when giving a speech. Assign each one of these shiny people a flaw (perhaps use something you do well). Make up some good ones and have fun with it. Mom A, decked out in Lulumon, always cocks her head sideways when she doesn’t understand something – like the word arsonistic.
Wow you hit the nail on the head with this one. You are so not alone. I dont have mental illness or atleast I havent been diagnosed! I do suffer from “woman guilt” and i think that encompasses many of the things you mentioned.
I have a few days where I feel successful, productive and accomplished the rest of the time I am a failure and in doubt and TIRED! and i dont give a damn and fuck everything up. Then get my act together for a day maybe two then fuck this i did all this work i deserve a break..then FAILURE I am worthless. Etc etc etc.
I need to read the comments to see if there is a way out of this viscious cycle. Something that works other than telling myself BE PRODUCTIVE!!
I wonder if you will ever get to read this I just saw there are over 2k comments.
How successful any of us feels is rarely an accurate measure of how successful we are. Here’s how I would measure YOUR success: 1) You write books and columns that bring laughter and joy and an escape to thousands, even millions of people all over the world. 2) You are in a marriage that has successfully weathered all kinds of medical issues, parenthood, and invasions by large metal chickens and various assorted taxidermied creatures. 3) You have raised a daughter who seems to be at least as well-balanced as any of her peers, perhaps more, considering her apparent unflappability in the face of being surrounded by the aforementioned metal chickens and taxidermy zoo. Those are all some pretty impressive successes that not many of us have accomplished.
Who cares if you never write another book? (Well, OK, there are an awful lot of us that do, but that doesn’t mean you’re a failure if you don’t write another one.) And seriously, frequently-washed hair is overrated (or so I hear, not having experienced it personally in many years). I bet a lot of the “shiny happy people” you see who seem to have it all together are totally messed up and covering up for it by having good hair. Some days, just existing for one more day IS a success. Anything more that happens on other days is just gravy.
It’s not just you. Really, it’s not.
You’re definitely not alone. I rarely feel like a successful adult. I feel constantly under a pile of “to-do”s completely of my own making as I procrastinate like a mother fucker and then look at my pile of crap to do so high that I completely shut down and go look at pictures of cats on the internet instead. I also only have 3-4 days a month where I feel completely successful. I’m going to be 30 in a few months and right now I’m looking around at my life thinking that I really should have this shit more together by now.
Um….I think I might feel successful 4-5 days out of the month. And they do not coincide with my period.
Most days I feel completely unorganized in my home, my work, as a mom, as a friend.
It’s just too much!
I really wanted to join the PTO this year, but there is no freaking way I will have time for that even though it’s basically 1 meeting a month.
I’m too busy doing laundry, and dishes. Basically the only two things needed to stay alive.
The things that get done when I feel like it: vacumming, mopping, scrubbing the toilet (hurl) or making my bed.
I could care less if people see the piles of crap I have in my office because I would rather spend cuddle time with my son, then organize my desk.
1/2 of the time, it gets to me. Seeing everyone on Facebook or Twitter, happily statusing that their lives are awesome, while I sit alone and cry over the ending of Breaking Bad or because I’m watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
But the other half of the time, I realize that it’s stupid to compare myself to others.
Because I am awesome and deserve to love and accept myself for who I am.
I may have issues and depression and anxiety (which didn’t hit until this freaking peri-menopause shit…fucking hormones), but I will not let them get the best of me.
It’s not just depression that lies.
Head high lady. You are awesome, even if you only see it a few times out of each month. 🙂
Boy, does this resonate with me. Once, when I was in graduate school and having a meltdown in my adviser’s office, she said to me that “at one point or another we all feel like a fraud.” That has stuck with me to this day. Honestly though, my days of feeling like a fraud are too numerous to count. Daily I do a job in which I am the “expert” and I keep waiting for people to figure out that I’m not. The dialogue in my head says that I’m not good enough and will never be good enough. I feel like I fail at life most days. It seems like such a personal struggle that I don’t even know how to accurately articulate it to people close to me. Because they proceed to tell me all of the things that I have going for me. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety and I just keep telling myself what you’ve said before, “depression lies.” I try to see myself through other people’s eyes. Through the eyes of the people that truly love me. It is a struggle. Reading your blog helps because of posts like this one. It’s nice to know that there are people out there that understand “the nothingness” that can sometimes take hold. Together we are stronger. Thank you.
I could have written this post.
3-4 days each month max.
totally normal. I just wiped my ass with a sock and felt triumphant because it’s white and I know I can bleach that thing in next weeks wash.
Jenny, stop fighting with yourself and just go with it…
Visit Brian Andreas’s website I think you will like it.
http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?action=product&storyID=4601&productCategoryID=1000
I hear you and clearly from the gazillion comments, so do a lot of other people. I live in a part of the world where drugs are not readily available or if they are they are the scary, old, no longer used in the rest of the world kind so I am my own nutritional project – in retrospect, cutting caffeine, alcohol, gluten and sugar out / down made the biggest difference to the anxiety, depression + add trifecta but it was hell at the time and just added to the feeling of why am i such a freak, everyone else can eat and drink whatever they want, fuck it all etc etc…
Occasionally, like now, I fall off the wagon, at first it’s ok, everything seems fine and manageable but then this dark, dark cloud starts slowly rolling in just beyond the field of my awareness. I ignore it at first and carry on, thinking I’m ‘healed’ and ‘balanced’ and ‘normal’ now and then bam! back to square one, debilitated for days, just barely able to get through a day. Then I have to cut everything out and start all over again, go through the things-getting-worse-before-they-get-better bs until one morning I wake up and realise that my head is actually clear, my energy levels decent and most importantly that I’m actually ok with just being who I am again.
I read alot of functional medicine and nutrition books to help me figure out what works and it’s still an ongoing experiment but I’ve gradually gotten better at seeing that this isn’t all of me it’s just the brain I got and it’s a very, very sensitive flower… and it’s happier when I accept it for what it is and don’t subject it to the unnecessary stresses that are considered ‘normal’ for other people (TV, loads of news, too much internet / screen time of any kind, pizza, beer, office jobs)… the world is kinda crazy these days itself, I don’t know that I even ever want to be normal any more.
What else helps…. really good bodywork consistently whether I feel like I need it or not (and no longer being afraid of it sometimes triggering a little biochemical downtime because it will pass and I will move through), mindfulness and meditation, the whole buddhist perspective and practice has been a huge help and support for me but even that has been and continues to be a real journey of good eureka days and great, great resistance… happy + sometimes loud music, being kind to myself, good food at regular intervals, movement even if just jumping around or swinging my arms around in my house, giving up the attachment to one day getting to this plateau from which all will be rosy all the time and just going with what comes, accepting that everybody struggles in their own way and consistent productivity and ‘levelness’ is a huge lie – NOTHING in nature does the same thing, the same way, every day… I am nothing if not soft, squishy animal and that’s ok, so I notice things like the moon and the weather, not to be all hippy dippy about it but just because, shit changes and it affects me and it SHOULD because I’m alive, to be level always and unaffected by the ebbs and flows of life to me is now a kind of death in itself… sadder than my saddest days.
This all sounds cheesy and horrible when I’m feeling like useless shit and even now, I still only have a handful of really stellar days a month, but the darker days are far less so and further apart so I try not to be hard on myself, it’s like Brene says, I am enough. YOu are enough, exactly as you are, some of us just come in with different wiring and there are more of us every day and we are not faulty or defective, we are not a mistake… we are not better or worse than anybody else… our struggle just forces us to knock on doors and ask questions and continuously seek out other ways of living this life… we are pioneers… and seeing things differently is our superpower even if it hurts sometimes. The world needs new stories, new priorities, new possibilities for what it actually means to be human on this planet at this time… because yes, it’s a fucking struggle to function in this body with the imprint of the old operating system on our own precious brains and see all these old outdated programs running everything around us…. we are the upgrade baby… and it’s a helluva learning curve sometimes so sometimes we just need to lay low, sign off, wallow for a while and then regroup and reboot… hang in there, we’re right here with you. xx
My guess is that the people that regularly go, “I’m a bad-ass mo-fo that totally KICKED ASS today” are the exception, not the other way around. Most days, I’m just getting by with moments here and there of feeling good about something I did. And I think that’s ok, for all of us. It’s never going to be a steady stream of “I’m nailing this thing called life” because we’re just living it in the moment, you know? Stepping back and making sure you’re generally achieving the things you want to do is good and important, but comparison to what anyone else is doing is fruitless, ESPECIALLY on social media. No one sees people’s real lives there, just the little snippets here and there. It’s been shown that people that spend more time on FB are more likely to be depressed and dissatisfied with their lives. So it’s DEFINITELY not just you.
I wish I could snap my fingers and make you stop giving a fuck about other people and their accomplishments. Stop measuring your value against plastic, perfect mothers who no doubt go home and scream at their kids and make them feel worthless and hide drown their misery in a quart of gin. Who gives a fuck if all you accomplished today was going to the bank. Who gives a fuck if your hair isn’t washed. No one’s life can be measured by other people’s successes or failures. The world doesn’t end if dishes are left in the sink. The world doesn’t end if there is laundry stacked to the roof. If people care about your dirty dishes and your dirty laundry, fuck them, they aren’t people who matter anyway. Stop counting your failures. No one cares about them as much as you do.
Jenny,
There is no such thing as pretty pastel people. Some people are better at hiding the cracks is all. Some people aren’t honest to others or themselves. You, my dear, are. That means: You. Are. Winning.
As for me, I live a life of lies to the outside world. I know how fucked up I am. I have an eating disorder, I casually fuck men, I abuse my prescription meds, I lie to the people that love me and tell them what they want to hear. Because it’s easier.
I feel alone more often than not – even when I’m in a crowd. I never feel good enough – even when I accomplish amazing tasks. I make jokes and smile – even though I wish I was dead.
So, how often do I feel successful in a month? Depends on how many times I see my parents I guess. If I can successfully make them believe I’m happy and healthy, That’s how many times a month I feel successful.
3 to 4 days a week if I’m lucky. Then I’m afraid I will fall flat on my face for having the hubris to feel like a human being. I work full-time, I’ve got a young, autistic son, and my husband works nights. I’ve suffer from depression, anxiety, and what I refer to as “free-floating insomnia.” I’m not rocking anything other than the bags under my eyes most of the time.
Even those “perky perfect people” are hot messes, though. Every time I’ve met one and thought “Wow, he/she’s so together!”–I’ve gotten to know the person and seen the burdens they are carrying. We’re all messes. Some of us have more elaborate, beautiful masks, some of us don’t have the energy for that. Some days I can pull on the mask; some days my hair looks like I’ve never even seen the word “comb”, I’m wearing my underwear inside out because I haven’t managed the laundry, and I’m wearing more cat hair than clothes. For those latter moments, I’ve adopted my grandmother’s bizarre mantra of “I’m not planning to marry in this town” (said like a Scottish John Wayne) and get on with the task at hand.
*That should be 3-4 days a month, not week. I WISH I COULD FEEL THAT!
With the exception of pyschopaths and sociopaths…who are incapable of this kind of thinking nor do they care…i think that pretty much everyone feels this to a varying degree. I would say I am in the 3-4 days range as well. I am depressed, sick and I have ADD and as any good Mom would do I question myself daily on what permanent damage I am inflicting upon my children just by being the screw up I am. You are not only not alone but in excellent company. We are a world of screw ups. It’s the human condition…but when we get it right it’s amazing 🙂 in the meantime, some really awesome people write about it and other people relate and everyone feels better about the crazy person they are.
I know exactly what you’re saying; I battle depression too. This is what I do at work, to avoid that feeling of “I’ve been running all day and I still haven’t done anything.” I make a list of everything I do. I count the phone calls that I take, files opened, filing, checking voice mail, sending an email etc. If a task sounds short but takes a long time I mark the time spent. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “if I spend all my time making a list, I won’t get anything done.” This is only a list for me, nobody else, to see what I’ve actually done at the end of the day; so it’s messy and in shorthand that only I really get – that makes it quicker. I also set up a template that lists the tasks I do every single day and that way I just have to mark competed once it’s done. I get to the the end of the day and feel useless; I got nothing done other than showing up to the office. I look over at my list and can see that I’m wrong – I actually did do something! Sometimes quite a lot of “somethings”. Sometimes not much of anything but still something. The “not much of anything” days let go and try to do better the next day. The “quite a lot” days feel great.
get out of my head Jenny Lawson. i swear to god ive said exactly that, not as eloquently, so many time. never outside of my brain, but i Have said it.
to answer your question, maaaaaybe 2 days a month i dont feel like ive been sleep walking through my life. sleep walking isnt right, im not tired… coasting? phoning it in? whatever you want to call it; doing the minimum to sustain the life of my child and myself. i got dressed!! ta-da, done.
Currently at work wishing i had the ability or time to externalize everything i want to add here. theres never enough time in the world. actually i live most days with an ACUTE awareness of how little time i have to live, much of it wasted by wondering what happens after, and if the things i do and leave behind were for a reason, or will be remembered in any way.
This is why i became an “artist” or graphic designer i suppose these days, and you’ve definitely seen my work. its been in every retail store from target to macys. give me a compliment on it and ill find a million reasons to tell myself why i don’t deserve it. “they don’t watch me work they have no idea how much they OVER credit me.” often live in fear of the day they discover im a fraud and decide to fire me. I’d list a number of days i feel productive but to be truthful here i suffer from a COMPLETE inability to remember numbers… ANY NUMBER. cant do it. i live every day never quite knowing what day it is or what time it is. this weird “quark” has prevented me from gaining the confidence i need to do everything from paying my bills to basic math, and ive spent the majority of my life overcompensating to keep people from finding out. this, of course, is why i originally chose to study art on the first place. Over time i discovered (much like you have im sure) that it was also a cool way to “hide behind” my work. people compliment or ridicule my art not me, and its so easy to distance myself from it after its finished.
over time ive discovered a few things to help me feel better, NONE OF WHICH have come close to being as helpful or healing as your blog and followers! i remember how thin that outer layer is, those put together people are missing out on some indulgance or another. either that or they have help and the money to pay for it. being productive is subjective.
lately ive made myself feel better by asking this hypothetical question: “what if each of us was destined to only accomplish ONE THING with our lives (writing a book, saving a life etc.). What happens when you do your one thing and it doesn’t kill you? what would you think of the rest of your life? would you constantly obsess over your past moment of glory and lament that the rest of your days would be pointless? what happens if you accomplish your one thing at an early age vs an old age which is preferable? damn thats more than one question and this is starting to sound like a school essay…… ANYWAY its something ive been pondering lately. shit! my boss is coming!
Here’s the deal. The reason you’re, like, THE most successful blogger on the interwebs is because you’re REAL. People want to read about life they can relate to. The piles of laundry that never get put away, the runs to Wal-Mart before school to throw together a project due that morning. That’s what real people are. I’m not saying the Pinterest people don’t exist (my neighbor is one of them. It’s SCARY in person!), they totally do. But they are extremely outnumbered by people exactly like you. Almost everyone puts their “good” face on for Facebook. I’ve spent way too much time making my daughter pose for pictures in front of a closed door so you won’t see the mess just outside the frame or on the other side of the door. You tell us all the time how depression lies. Well so does low self-esteem and anxiety. As someone with what can only be described as compete and total self-loathing, I am totally impressed with your 3-4 days of feeling successful. In my mind, you are a badass and I have no idea how you’ve accomplished what you have while battling your mental illness. I am not worthy! Currently still in my pajamas and I highly doubt I will get out of them today.
With more than 2800 comments, you don’t need to hear again that you’re not alone, but maybe it helps to see it summarized – those people who appear perfect are a) marketed to look that way b) aren’t spending enough quality time with their kids for real and c) aren’t juggling many balls at the same time. With more than 2800 comments in response to 1 simple post you felt you failed at, you should see that you have helped 2800 people feel like they weren’t alone in feeling like failures, and that perhaps, you didn’t fail at all.
I feel like I kick ass about once or twice a month. Yep. And what helps me is what I learned in cognitive therapy…make a list of all the things you are proud of and keep adding to it…It can be amazing how impactful that list really is – and maybe remember that even improving a moment for one person for one glimmer of a second is what has saved their life, changed their perspective. It’s fucking hard work changing the world and cracking open the veneer of mental illness and exposing your most vulnerable thoughts and feelings in this world…you do it daily. It’s way more fucking important than dishes and homework. WAY more important and ginormous than getting to the bank. Chin up lady. And remember there are people in this world who wish they could be you, even for just a shining brief moment.
I do not have depression, anxiety, or any other disorders…. and i feel like this ALL. THE. TIME.
How am I 36, making MORE money an hour than my dad…. and yet, he supported 4 kids, and my mom, ON HIS OWN… owned a house (Owned 3 different houses at different times)… and was doing WELL – and ME? I rent a house, my cable and water get shut off every other month or so… my cellphone ALMOST gets shut off every month. I live less than paycheck to paycheck. Talk about feeling like a failure. I can BARELY take care of my family. MY MOM who is now a widow and works PART TIME as a school cook and makes like… less than half what i make an hour has to help me out ALL THE TIME. My 2 year old daughter runs around our cluttered, messy house and no one is baking for her or helping her with awesome projects. She has hand-me-down clothes from her cousin… and her mom is at work all day and exhausted when she gets home. Believe me. YOU ARE SOOOO NOT ALONE. I think of myself as a failure DAILY. {{{humping}}}
I can’t read through every one of the comments because I’m a bit trigger-y today and my wife is rushing me to go put on pants so we can go out in public {sigh}, but I wanted to say I’m a bit envious that you get almost an entire DAY each WEEK to feel successful. A whole month without ever feeling like I’ll break into a billion pieces and blow away in the wind would be wonderful. I don’t like pastels and have used too many interesting things as toilet paper after running out. It’s not just you.
It’s something we all struggle with. Everyone thinks they’re not as together as other people, but it’s just because superficially, other people look more put together. I love this song’s lyrics about truly confident people being fewer than what you think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3bDdeNrx1M
I get this too whenever anyone asks me about my experiences being a new Mom. I usually give the equivalent of fine, e.g. “oh it’s wonderful! so much more than I imagined.” But really I’m overwhelmed. I’m worried about my marriage. I’m frustrated by all the things I can’t do. I’m exhausted. And I feel like I’m failing my baby already. I just try to tell myself that because I feel those things, I must be doing ok. I care, and that will have to be enough.But it’s not easy.
Those standards that we continuously strive for? Who were they written for? Who wrote them? More than likely they were written by someone far more screwed up than we. Someone who maps out unattainable goals which end up making us feel far worse than when we started.
Rewrite them. Rewrite them. Rewrite them. Rewrite them so they match what you know you are capable of. Rewrite them so they match with your values. Rewrite them so that it doesn’t define you. When you feel they are starting to define you, rewrite them again. Those standards should evolve as you do.
Maybe this is something that comes with age. That saying of “I wish I knew then what I know now” is spot on. So many things I would have done differently, but then would it have put me in the same place? I often think that, but if I had done things differently, I wouldn’t have the family and life that I do now. It makes me appreciate what I have and what I am trying to build for myself.
I find myself always judging myself by others, but they aren’t there at the end of the day. Sounds selfish, but do everything for you. Obvs, family factors in there as well, but you know what I mean.
I’ve been there too, depression, meds, general and debilitating unworthiness…it’s a constant fight. Those moments on the couch with Hailey…soak ’em up because those are the things that you will hold onto later. The things that you did right by just being there. Showing her that she is important. Show her that you are important too…every day…throw away the to-do lists…or at least pare it down to the super important stuff…stop and listen…find something that slowly fills you back up…even if it is another Beyoncé! 🙂
I guess I’m not clear on why you think that every single day you have to be “successful.” Frankly, I pat myself on the back daily for accomplishing things like going to work, or going to the grocery store. That’s success, isn’t it? I try not to do excessive navel gazing, but instead look at each day as accomplishing a goal I have set out. I earn paychecks to pay for a deck remodel, our trip to Europe, and every day is a success for that. Etc. Etc.
Who cares if you aren’t a PTA mom, or hand crafting organic vegan lunches with smiley faces made out of apples and marshmallows? Why have such crazy standards? As long as you love your kid and make sure her needs are met, you’re doing better than about 99% of parents out there.
I think you need multiple pairs of “don’t give a shit” pants.
I’ve never posted before, but want to say that’s completely normal. I read this post from another blogger and I loved it and thought I’d share. http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
It is currently 10:45 AM, I’ve been up since 7:30-ish, and I’m still in my bathrobe. Honey, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
Honeybuns stop comparing yourself to what you see on other people’s outsides. It’s like looking at the outside of a building and saying ‘if I could be like that I’d be perfect’ when inside the building is a crack den. Really.
I muddle through. I narrow my focus and deal with right now, because I have no frakking idea what will come next. Productivity is relative and largely irrelevant (although bills getting paid is an important thing to keep high on the list of shit to accomplish). The interesting thing about imposter syndrome is that the only person who thinks you might be faking is… You. And if you are, I’m sure as hell not gonna hold it against you, because fake or not- you’ve done a helluvalot of good.
I make lists and cross shit off. PROOF DAMMIT that I’ve done something. Anything. I try to think of 3 good things that happened each day- even if it was a three’s company rerun, a pair of clean socks, and the neighbour’s dog didn’t get eaten by ravenous raccoons. I talk to my Love and ask him if I’m too far out in left field with an idea or concern. I do not do PTA. The people in my area who do that are all asshats anyway (I say this having had it confirmed by reliable sources, and not just my bias). My laundry is piled high and I still Mohave no real inclination to wash it. And I fake it. Days when I’m wishing to crawl into a hole or I’m overwhelmed with sorrow about things I can do nothing about, I fake it so hard it’s a wonder my head doesn’t pop off.
Love you doll. Keep fighting.
My god, what is wrong with you people?! I find it completely effortless to get thru each day, accomplishing many goals while looking and smelling amazing. WOW I WAS ALMOST ABLE TO PULL OFF THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE WITHOUT LAFFING OUT LOUD. Here I sit, at my telecommuting job (I am on lunchbreak) wearing yesterday’s clothes (maybe the day before?) trying to figure out how to make that $33 in my checking account last another week, and all I can tell you is that the real frauds are the ones that try to make it look like they really really do have it all together. Sounds like all the commenters here are smart and sensitive and empathetic and all kinds of wonderful. If you really think you are doing a great job all the time, then you need to raise your standards. Are you raising your kids thinking “Eh, good enough. Maybe he won’t be a really BAD serial killer”. No! You feel like a fraud cause you are trying your hardest! Nothing wrong with that! Just take time EVERY DAY to appreciate the wonderful in your life; everyone has some. Some days the wonderful is hard to find; today’s wonderful is that I have 3 smelly candles lit and that makes my house smell clean.
Ever since having kids i go to bed each night with the list of things i didn’t get done that i should have and all my bad parent moments. On good days I remember to forget the list and try and enjoy the moments of fun and celebrate the few things that didn’t get left to a later day, find it harder to stay in that second frame of mind though. So much easier to see the negatives.
Also, FWIW, Pinterest is fucking evil. Cute pics of David Tennant and an inferiority complex with no effort whatsoever. I had to quit.
I will turn 62 at the end of the year and I have felt this way my whole life. Unfortunately, it was just called lazy, or crazy or “looking for attention” and no one thought “mental health” was a thing. Fortunately, somewhere in my late ’30’s and ’40’s someone was brave enough to at least call attention to the word “depression”, and of course, everyone wanted it, or had it, or was an expert in the field. I know this “when I was your age” line of thought doesn’t help you in the immediate, but I got this far, have some good friends, seen some really cool shit and read some kick-ass books (yours included) and I’m here to tell you….almost everybody feels this way. They’ve just learned to hide it.
It’s kind of silly to compare yourself to people you don’t know, because you can’t see their struggles. Of course they have problems, they just aren’t sharing them with you. Perfect pastel mom #1 has chronic cysts on her ovaries. Lovely couple #2 has $40K on credit cards and has no idea how they spent that or how it will ever get paid off. You’re inventing people to measure yourself against – the only thing they might do better than you is paint their masks.
Me too, Jenny.
Dear Universe: Help?
I have been following you for many years. I never comment b/c my god woman, you have hundreds and thousands of people commenting on your posts. This one, when I started typing this, had 2745 comments. I’ll get lost in the shuffle. And I don’t like that. So I don’t normally comment.
But I had to on this one. I used to feel like a complete failure all of the time. So many to-dos, projects, started, never finished. Now I just don’t care. If I do the dishes today, I’ve had a productive day. Go me. If I go to the bank, holy shit, I’m a fucking adult. Or you know what, if I want to stay in bed all fucking Sunday, guess what? I’m an adult and can do that if I want. I’ve earned it.
I wish I could explain when I started thinking this way. I’m sure it happened over time. But I don’t remember the process. One day I just realized, I no longer care HOW productive I am. I’m a good person. I’m loved by my husband. I do my job well. I pay my bills. I keep my house tidy. And I enjoy my hobbies, even if I never finish them. (It probably helps that I don’t have children. So there is that.)
Too many comments for me to read them and see if anyone has already said this…
At some point I realized that everyone makes mistakes not only every day but probably every hour. Sometimes they are colossal, but more often they are things like taking the wrong exit, forgetting to thank somebody, and walking around with spinach stuck in your teeth. I try to give other people a break, so why shouldn’t I be as nice to myself as I am to other people? The upshot of this philosophy is that I am generally fairly content. Which is not to say that sometimes I don’t wonder why I’m not better at X, Y, and Z, but then I go watch a movie. Basically, if you can treat yourself like you treat other people, it’s a whole new ball game. Hope that doesn’t make me sound like a jerk. If so, this is my mistake for this hour! Hugs to you, Jenny!
Count me in as another “fears to be unmasked as a complete imposter” poster. Those shiny happy people at the PTA meetings? They are totally faking it too. Really. I didn’t believe it until one of them let me in on the secret too. Even though I suspect she may just have been trying to be nice, I’m going to take her statement at face value and believe she is also, deep down, an imposter too.
And now at work I’ve got more paranoia, since the one thing I was really, truly good at — and that no one else in the office had the skills to do — one of our shiny, happy new people has volunteered to do. I’m trying to fight the urge to rip out her entrails with my fingernails (which have been gnawed to the point of uselessness anyway) and find a way to let her help, without giving away any of my jealously guarded secret skills so they won’t have a reason to fire me because she’s so much cheaper and brighter and YOUNGER. God, so much younger. So now I feel like a cornered cougar, in more ways than one. An ancient, cornered cougar. Who is also an imposter.
You do a GREAT thing for your daughter by dedicating time exclusively to her every day and that is something that most kids will never get from their parents – the knowledge that you love them just for being them and want to be with them just the way they are in any given moment; your time with her is not an afterthought, something you squeeze in between other things on your to-do list; your time with her is not spent trying to change her (even in positive ways); your time with her is IMPORTANT TO YOU. If you must judge yourself; and I suppose we each must in order to change, grow, improve, and explore; endeavor to measure by your own standards rather than ones imputed by society. If you can impart that to your daughter as well, you have done her and yourself a great favor.
I don’t struggle with illness the way you do, but there are days I don’t put forth my full effort. Was I a failure that day? Some might say so, but I don’t. I was just me, doing what I do, making decisions along the way, and when the day was done I realize I could have made different decisions, but I didn’t. Those decisions are mine and mine alone, I own them every day and am perfectly free to make different ones tomorrow. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t and I don’t have to answer to anyone for that but myself (and my family a little bit, of course). I don’t hate myself for it, just acknowledge it for what it is, and move on.
Not my website but it helps me get through those days. We are not alone.
Feel that way daily as well. Also dealing with depression and anxiety. I think it may come with the territory. Just have to be the best Jenny you can be. Dance to the beat of your own drum, at which I think you are exceptional. Piss on being like everyone else.
I waited a day to respond to really reflect on how I felt. The truth for me is that I’m not currently suffering from depression, but still at least once a week I feel exactly as you describe. I’ve suffered from depression on and off starting in childhood, but I would consider myself a content, if not happy person right now. When I was at my lowest points I felt like you do most of the time, too. I don’t have an answer to why I’m happy now and wasn’t then. It’s lots of little things and some big things I think.
I do know that I try very hard to get at least one thing done every day. Some days the list of shit I get done is long and I feel satisfied that I’m being a productive grown up. Sometimes it’s just one thing that I managed to do beyond the very basics of existing. Check the mail. Unload the dishwasher. Go to the bank. As far as I’m conscerned those things all count as moving forward with life, even if they are just baby steps.
Also, I believe this true for some of us. “Time wounds all heels.” Groucho Marx
I haven’t read any of the 2890+ comments so I’m sure I’m repeating what’s already been said. However, I’m chiming in to tell you that I feel this way too. I so know what you mean about realizing at the end of the day all you really accomplished was a trip to the bank. I try to remind myself that real change, real accomplishments, real progress doesn’t happen in a single day. It’s an accumulation of weeks, months, and sometimes years. So, try not to always measure things in such small quantities. If I think about the past week, I’ve done okay. Better than an average week actually. But in the last five years? I moved in to a new home, had two more children (I have 3), started a blog, became a regular contributor for an online Mommy publication, read dozens of books, sold two cars and purchased two (used) cars, and successfully weathered two significant life events that I won’t detail here. So, yeah. That’s some real accomplishment, I’d say. But on most days in the those five years I felt ineffectual and unproductive. It’s all about perspective.
If I have one day a month where I feel with it and on top of things, it’s a good month. If I’m only paralyzed by anxiety one day a week, it’s a good week. You are not alone and frankly, you’re doing GREAT. The “average person” doesn’t spend time with their family at all, feels lost and confused about their life, overwhelmed by everything… I don’t know why we have this pervasive myth of nonstop happiness and perfection being the norm. It’s not. It doesn’t exist. Beneath every Pinterest board of cute craft rooms and organization tips is someone desperately trying to make sense of their life, someone overwhelmed and instilling order and control in little crafty ways. Behind every nail art pic there’s a week of chipped paint and peeling edges. For every happy family picture there’s a hundred blurry or unfocused or badly-framed shots. Never forget that perfection is a single instant being shown to you as if it’s constant. There’s perfection in your life, too. Curling up with Hailey watching Little House on the Prairie. The joy of finding a cosplayer of yourself. The pleasure of definitely totally not having to get dressed today but – BUT! – you can totally dress up little taxidermied mice instead. The point isn’t that everything is futile and there’s awfulness seeping into everything. The point is that the world kind of sucks and somehow we keep having these moments of utter perfection. They might only be an instant but that doesn’t erase them. Keep looking for the perfection and you’ll find it, one moment at a time.
You can not be a failure because I am here, not the here as in still alive, I was able to manage that small thing. I am the only adult my 7 year old son has and would never purposely not be alive as that would mean leaving him to strangers. Waking up, working, feeling guilty, sleeping was not really being HERE though. The feelings are something I have struggled off and on with my whole life but last year I lost it, really and truly. There are whole days that I don’t remember, hallucinations, conversations that I cannot recollect. I know I was not a parent these days, and I am thankful that my son is amazing and strong and does not seem damaged from this experience. I also know that if there had been a proper adult in my life to make the decision for me that the best place for me would likely have been an institution. I knew this and reached out but there was no one there. I kept going, because that is what you do… every day … every damn day. I looked at my little boy and decided to live as opposed to just staying alive. I refused to be the reason he grew up damaged. It was hard but it was not the first time I have had to make the climb out. I t was however, the deepest chasm that I had yet been in. I struggled and it started getting easier, but it was tentative, I knew that I wasn’t ‘fixed’ and I could fall at any time.
And then I found you.
I remembered to laugh, and for the first time I didn’t feel so alone. At least I knew that there were others out there feeling tired, guilty, lonely and like a failure. I wish that I could give you great advice on this, but for the last 6 months or so, my advice to anyone I have seen struggling is to try reading ‘The Bloggess’. Jenny Lawson will help you feel normal again. You will get to experience sloths, giant metal chickens and meeting the doctor, looking for your tribe and seriously consider getting a red dress. Then use these things as a jump off point to LIVING, creating a real life! Just focus on today, make it the best day that today can be and remember that depression lies! (A wonderful revelation for me because I had believed it, but it’s all lies!)
Thank you for everything
It most definitely is not just you. Your words (nearly 100%of the time) are creepily the very thoughts that circulate in my head. So I don’t know if these words will help you, as this is my second post ever on the interwebs, but you are SO worth me dragging myself out of my burrow. I am a similar terrified, failure-obsessed, bipedal primate. The choice we make to seek out others, if you really break it down, that alone makes us amazing – /??m?ziNG/ – causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing… Notice I didn’t say wonderful, dynamic, fabulous or accomplished. That’s all noise – but good or bad, we are always amazing. Regardless of gender, race, or any other thing that makes us different – the fact that we can (and choose to!) find ways to connect with one another – amazing. In this horrible time, with so much negativity and blight to focus on – Just by communicating and finding like individuals to help us understand ourselves better, we can be and are amazing. By waking up and making someone else feel less hopeless, we can be amazing. You brought life to what will probably be a VERY amazing human, and by rights, she already is, amazing. All the other bullshit, the pastel-lives crap, the khakis that match the designer sunglasses so they don’t clash with the shiny, leased sports SUV that must always smell like Pina Coladas because it reminds them of Cabo- it’s just meaningless. Those that we consider the “they”, they have shit that drags them into hell, too. But to truly connect, especially now, given the kalidescope of pixel-rich options out there, and all the accompanying bullshit darkness, is simply a miracle. So keep being YOU; flawed and amazing YOU. You lost your tail, stood up and chose to communicate openly with others. That IS success. That IS striving. On bad days, and I’d say my monthly percentage is slightly higher than yours, I just celebrate the fact that I can poop unassisted. I also chuckle darkly that the “they”, yeah, they have to sit down to shit, too. Seriously, in dark moments, it’s the little things that count.
Jenny,
What if those shiny people are a figment of your imagination? Even if they aren’t, how do we know that THEIR brains aren’t wired incorrectly and they cannot recognize or experience TRUE happiness and TRUE despair? During the past year, I’ve experienced a moment of heart-bursting happiness while walking my dog around the lake in a park near my home. I couldn’t explain it, and I don’t think it’s ever really happened to me before. But in that moment I was TRULY happy to be alive. I cherish that moment because there are thousands of other times I wish I was dead, but because I’m alive and because I had that moment, I know that there is some reason that I am here. And it’s not to bake a cake for the goddamn PTO or host some basket party or impress the neighbors with my shiny floors and well-groomed rose garden (none of which I do or have.) I hope that you have that moment at least once in your life and realize that you are meant to be here for a reason. Through all the pain and bullshit, you’re still here. And thousands of people are really freaking glad about that, and thousands more have yet the opportunity to discover you, learn from you, and live because of you.
http://youtu.be/86x-u-tz0MA try watching this…if link doesn’t work look for Elizabeth Gilbert: Your Elusive Creative Genious
I’m really good at fucking up. If I were to average my good days a month, I think I’d have to say 3-5. That’s 3-5 days that I get up and actually make breakfast for my kid before sending him out the door to school instead of staying in bed and letting my husband do it for me. 3-5 days of feeling like today I can conquer the grocery store, or the running around, or paying bills, or anything that requires so little skill that I’m pretty sure that a monkey could be trained to take my place, given the monkey could pass a driver’s test or be taught how to use public transportation… I have no friends that come to pull me out of the house or to take me somewhere to enjoy their company because they gave up a long time ago (I guess this means they weren’t really friends or whatever, but it’s just another failure on my part to foster friendships in my mind) or maybe I gave up a long time ago, I really don’t know. All I have left is my husband and my son, and I’m convinced that there will be a day when my husband just gets tired of me and done with my shit and takes off, I wait for it, look for it, thinking that even after more than a decade and a half that he’ll do it any day now. I can’t trust the one person who is the closest to me, which makes me feel like a failure. I know that my son will leave, eventually, as all kids are supposed to do, and I’m not angry at him for it, but I already miss him and it hasn’t even happened yet, and won’t for close to another ten years, if he leaves to go to college. There are days when I count it a victory that I’ve removed my ass from the couch or washed the dishes, or cleaned out the fridge, not all at once, but in fits and starts, pushing through the crazy to get to normal. There are days that I count as a victory solely because I took my son for a walk, or we talked for a little while about his life. These don’t outweigh the days where I can’t be bothered to get out of bed, or when the pain of living is so intense that I hide in my bedroom, claiming to have a migraine, so that I don’t spread my discord throughout my family and they can be happier without my tainted presence. I don’t count the days that I lose myself in books and ignore the rest, because those days, while painless and easy, are pitfalls – days where I walked in to someone else’s story for a while and forgot my own. This is probably ramble-y and unfollowable, but this is accurate in how my mind and my illness works. Sometimes I think I was better off when I had a job outside the home, I had forced interaction with the human race and couldn’t hide as much.
The progression of mental illness is a bitch. It takes all the fun.
Oh Jenny. The first Noble Truth in the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism is, “All life is suffering.” That sounds depressing, I’m sure, to a lot of people. But when I read it many years ago, I felt an immediate rush of relief. Because a) I felt like someone was finally telling me the damn truth, and b) because it meant I wasn’t doing life wrong.
I’ve never met anyone, ANYONE, in my life who feels they are great and successful every minute of every day, or even most days. Even when to outside observers that is sure what it looks like. Everyone is in the same struggle of life, of trying to be happy and having full-time happiness elude them. And this, this is what actually causes suffering. This belief that we can be, are supposed to be, should be happy/successful all the time.
Collectively you are very successful Jenny. If you look at the great swath of your life, you’ve done pretty well compared to many others. You’ve found your tribe, you’ve made a significant positive impact on other people’s lives, you have influence, and a small amount of fame. I’m not trying to convince you of this, because as you said, you already get it. It’s the in-betweens that are keeping you up at night, causing you to write this post. But I assure you, you are not alone in the in-betweens.
There is no one for whom life is one big happy, successful stretch. All of us live most of the time in the in-betweens, and then add to our own personal suffering by thinking we must be doing it wrong if we can’t hold onto the success, hold on to the happy. This is just life. And it’s totally, totally ok.
I think 3-4 days seems about right. My strategy is to try to do one thing every day that needs to get done, even if it is something small like take the trash out and when I start to feel like I haven’t accomplished anything I try to focus on that. Spending time with your daughter every day seems like a great strategy to me.
I think the people who you look at who seem so happy and successful look at you and think you are happy and successful, but underneath most of them have issues too even if they are different from your issues. They may have pristine houses and seem like perfect PTA Moms and Dads but be unsuccessful at their jobs, or unhappy in their marriage or have hidden piles of junk in their closets or be completely unable to function if there is a spec of dirt in their house. You never know what other people’s issues are, even if they tell you everything is perfect, that doesn’t mean it’s true.
This is definitely not just you. The only days when I feel like I have not lost ground on what I should have gotten done are the days when I start working (cleaning house, yard work, and sewing for my business) at or before 9 am and don’t stop until 11 pm or midnight. Then the next several days I am so tired that just making dinner for my family is a struggle. On those days, I don’t get dressed. I have been trying to learn to stop “marathoning” but I don’t feel like I’m getting any better, so now I feel like I’m screwing up whether I get almost as much done in a day as I think I should or not.
You are Awesome!!!!! I have the same feeling from time to time. It’s hard being a person! Just keep doing what you are doing because I think your Awesome!!!
Most days I think I just try to do too much, way too many irons in the fire, it’s a setup to fail. But here’s a quote that’s helped me recently too, from Marianne Williamson:
Many years ago someone said to me, “Marianne, you’re so hard on yourself. And the reason you’re so hard on yourself is because you’re so easy on yourself.” It was one of the wisest things anyone has ever told me, and it has guided me every since.
Sometimes we’re too easy on ourselves, lacking self-discipline and giving ourselves slack and in places where we simply shouldn’t. Then we’re loaded with guilt and suffering! The only way to end the torture of self-condemnation is to try to live a life that earns your self-respect.
Jenny, You are truly truly not alone.
Plenty of people feel that way but most people don’t talk about it because our culture isn’t one where people talk about their difficulties. people talk about all the great stuff or fake good stuff. Then they go out and buy a whole shit of pretty things and make themselves look pretty, wear pretty clothes, live in big houses and drive big cars to cover up everything that is going wrong in their life whether it’s emotionally, physically or whatever it is. That’s why there are these perfect homes in magazines and pin interest – they spend ALL Their time making something perfect to detract from the cracks in their life. Those put together PTA moms? yeah same thing. The least they can do is look perfect. Because we’re all told to put up a front that everything is going right.
As for your questions.
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person?
If I’m lucky 1 day a month. Mostly 0. Mostly i feel like i’m a total failure and I look at ALL The things i haven’t done instead of the things i got done. I get angry and irrirated with myself for not having done more. So many other people get so much more done. Why can’t I??? Which leads to feelings of inadequacy and procrastination because if i can’t get this done, i’ll probably be crap at getting other things done.
What makes you feel the worst?
It all feels worst and bad.
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
I have no idea. Mentally, rationally, I know i’m suppose to acknowledge the things i have done instead of focusing on the things i haven’t done or mistakes. In reality, even when i do that, i don’t feel a whole lot better. These days ,I am trying to work on just acknowledging I have my own challenges and difficulties and that interferes with what I get done. That I should accept I’m not as productive as before. That i should stop comparing with other people. All in all I’m trying to rewire my sense of accomplishment. I try to get myself to feel ok if I get through the day, doing a few things on the checklist. My level of accomplishment has usually been much higher. I’d have needed to do 20 big things. now, I have to realize I can’t do that these days.
Write me if you ever want a listening ear. HUGS! Happy friday and happy weekend!
Oh boy – you are so not alone. I think I feel successful about 1/4 of the time. I’ve felt like an imposter off and on for the last 13 years, since becoming a mom. My husband and I were unable to conceive so we adopted our 2 beautiful girls, both at birth, within 14 months of each other. I felt like a ‘fake’ mom, because all of the stories that moms would share about being pregnant, childbirth, etc., I couldn’t share. I’ve pretty much gotten over that, but now most days I feel like I’ve failed my kids. We home school, and I never feel like I’m ‘teaching’ them enough. Most of the articles about home school kids is about how they’re genius, above grade level, and that’s just not where we are. With ADHD and Dyslexia, my kids have to struggle with basics like math facts and reading. I’ve gained weight over the years, and don’t have the same drive to be with my hubby, if you know what I mean, and that makes me feel like a failure many days. With the kids home every day, and one of them being extremely high maintenance, there’s no time to take a breath and relax (or exercise) – without interruption that is. Reading your blog is one of the things I do each day to lift my spirits, and thank you for being honest about how you feel. It helps the rest of us realize we’re all in this together.
Is it just you? Nope. No way. I feel this way all the time, and I read blog posts, Reddit posts, Tweets, & forum comments all the time from thousands of people who feel like this. You are amazing because you are real. You don’t try to hide behind a veneer of perfection. You know who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and you aren’t afraid to say it all out loud. You inspire me and you remind me to keep it real when I am stressing myself out trying to be everything I’m not. I am successful maybe 3 days of the month. I feel fabulous at the end of those days. I feel like I’m on my way to conquering all my bad habits and being incredible. But then… there’s those other days of the month that keep me grounded in the reality that I’m just stumbling my way through life, faking it most of the time. I know it. This is who I am. I am bi-polar, ADHD, with anxiety and some silly OCD behaviours. I’m not even remotely close to what you would call a role model or perfect person. I am just me, stumbling through life, faking it, messing up, and moving on. There’s an entire culture of us who feel like underachieving outsiders. We just weren’t made to be those apparently perfect and driven people. The important part is that we accept ourselves for who we are and we applaud ourselves for making it through the day.
Oh man, I needed this blog today. Thank you Jenny. I too feel like an imposter often, especially at work. So yesterday I got a great annual review, which I still felt a little like I didn’t deserve. On my way home, I managed to back into a post and put huge divot in the bumper of my new car. Just made me feel like a total failure. I didn’t deserve the review, I don’t deserve to drive this nice car and then that just flowed into feeling guilty about my daughter having such trouble falling asleep, comparing my body to the NFL cheerleaders during the game last night (seriously, talk about your unrealistic expectations), worrying about how much the repair was going to cost until like 2am. Ugh. I almost cried when I saw the dent this morning. Not because no one ever dents their car, but that I feel like I shouldn’t have and it opens the flood gates. So thanks for being honest, thanks for also being a failure sometimes, thanks for creating a community where we can share and support each other and thanks for having a spellchecker in the comments window so I don’t look like a moron while sharing my issues.
BTW, I didn’t know adult children of narcissists were more likely to have imposter syndrome. That makes a lot of sense. My dad is a first class narcissist.
You are most certainly not alone. And I can say with reasonable certainty that although you feel successful only 3-4 days a month, that just isn’t true. You know why? BECAUSE DEPRESSION LIES. You’ve said it yourself. You have to believe it. Always.
And if you never finish your second book? We’ll understand. You wrote one HILARIOUS book and that’s more than most people in the world can say.
So yeah, what you’re feeling is pretty normal for someone who struggles with depression/anxiety. And no, people don’t talk about it, because pastel lives accented with washi tape and Instagram filters and fucking-impossible-to-recreate-bento-lunchboxes are so much prettier.
This is hit so close to home I left and came back to it several time to get through it. Is there anything so uncomfortable as seeing your truth?
I feel much like you. I’m not sure what a successful life looks like, but I’m fairly sure it isn’t mine. I actually would describe something closer to yours. So it’s all about perspective I guess.
I think it’s pretty normal, my Father is a very successful, happy well like and respected person, has TOTAL imposter syndrome. I am the same, mind you I also am totally the mother who gets the kids shit toghether at 8.15am waiting for the school bus, writing permission slips whilst brushing kids teeth (sometimes SHHH! see how bad I am?!) and listening to my 7 yo do her reading.
I don’t have any medical/anxiety/depression issues, I am a glass overflowing type of person (my poor husband broke his glass years ago in frustration at me) I think we all have periods of treading water, I can usually gauge mine by my increase in wine consumption. However I do have a strong personal faith, I am not religious per se but I talk to God alot, He likes me and consequently I like myself.
I would say you were totally romnal (no that wasn’t a typo ;))
Okay. You may never read this because there are a GAZILLION comments ahead of me but . . .
First, I’d like to start with an inviting smile and say, “Welcome to my life.”
Said in another way: I DEAL WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID EVERY FUCKING DAY. (Sorry. I’m not really yelling at you.)
And the only thing that gets me through it is knowing that everyone else does too. (It took me YEARS to figure that out so you’re welcome.)
You should NEVER compare yourself to others because we’re all really good at faking the perfect smile. Shrugs of humility are not shrugs of humility. They are shrugs of self-doubt. Shrugs of I-don’t-deserve-the-compliment (or complement? I’m afraid of losing my train of thought and don’t have time to check it.)
I think what your problem may be – and I say this because it’s MY PROBLEM TOO – is that we focus on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on what we’d like to accomplish next, we think about how we suck at life because even though we WANT to accomplish whatever we’re dreaming of/working on, we feel guilty because we don’t feel like doing it RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
I also think that we all need a “purpose”, which is why procrastinating – which is much like a cancer – makes us feel so shitty about ourselves.
I work very hard every day to not let the hamster take over my thoughts because she always finds fault in everything. If I let the hamster rule, I wouldn’t even bother getting up in the morning (true story) because it just feels like I’m spinning my wheels all the time (also a true story).
All that to say that you’re not alone. And I’m sorry for how you feel because I feel it too and I know it sucks. On the positive side, you’ve managed to create this tribe of wonderfully like-minded people from all over the world. And you did it by being yourself. So even though it may be hard to be yourself sometimes, you just gotta love you for who and what you are because you HAVE accomplished a lot. Hugs 🙂
the last time i honestly, genuinely felt like i kicked ass was…er…a month ago. i managed to complete something a week before the deadline.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time but I’ve never really commented; I’m more of a lurker I guess. Reading this post I truly felt compelled to share my perspective and if anyone finds this helpful I’ll consider my week a success. It is through many hard fought battles, mostly with myself, that I have learned that the only way to judge my success is by my own set of standards. Anyone who sits around looking at the glossy, perfectly organized magazines, DIY sites, and blogs can start to feel inadequate. What’s important is to realize that as perfectly idyllic as the creators of these images lives seem to be no one, no one, NO ONE has their shit completely together. I think that maybe creating these perfect images and facades might just be their form of procrastination, or perhaps, crafting or pinning is something they DO have control over so they use that to unwind from all the other things in their lives that are getting out of hand. Every single person is different and that’s what makes us beautiful, but we can make ourselves really unhappy by trying to hold ourselves to other people’s standards of perfection. They are other people’s standards for a reason; they weren’t designed for you and your life and your happiness. Sometimes the only thing I can claim as an accomplishment during the week is napping like a boss. Sometimes I get these herculean boughts of strength and energy where I accomplish in one day every little thing I’ve let fall by the wayside during the month (or usually months.)Sometimes while I procrastinate really important things like paying my bills or student loans or calling my family or doing laundry I start to panic in my head about why I’m just sitting there reading a book. I squash that feeling down because that’s just not the day for accomplishing more than the basics. Maybe it’s not what you see depicted in the movies or on the internet of what life should be; but it’s my life and even if I’m not always happy about the fact that I’m not some incredible overachiever I’m pretty awesome at a lot of other things. I know this may sound trite but it’s important to create your own definition of success. There are so many people working at high-level jobs in Fortune 500 companies or as doctors or lawyers or astronauts or what have you that may look like they’ve won the contest at being a person…but just as many of them let life’s simple pleasures pass them by like forts or time with their loved ones or napping or watching reruns or just being. Lots of activity and medals and prizes and recognition do not necessarily mean that you are winning at life if you can’t find a balance. I don’t know if this will help you but I keep a to do list, some people find this overwhelming, but my secret is that on bad days I will write the smallest things on it like “Take out the trash,” “Shower,” “Call Mom.” and then I cross them off. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment and that feeling sometimes creates momentum and sometimes if I’m lucky that momentum can get me through some of the bigger tasks. I hope this helps.
I feel truly successful about 3-5 days a month and mildly successful (yes, I’m defining degrees of success) another 3-5 days a month. I’m constantly on the run and feel like I’m only half way doing anything. This didn’t used to bother me, but now I have a 5 month old son and I hate feeling like I short-change him. My husband and I do everything in our power to give 100% to everything, but it’s just impossible. It makes me wish I lived in the days of farm life and bartering (of course, then I wouldn’t be able to keep up with you and your awesomeness!) I think our fast-paced lives coupled with instant in-your-face updates from every.single.person.you.know has a lot to do with it. Ten years ago I didn’t know what my super-rich uber-fabulous second cousin was up to and how perfect her life was and I was so much happier. Now I see every envy-inducing picture of her grand life and it makes me feel like I am so inadaquate. I am in no way qualified to give advice, but I will anyway: love yourself and the wonderful things about you. You inspire many and bring happiness to a lot of us. You are the world to your adorable daughter and your husband loves you dearly. Things left undone are not what life is about, life is about loving people and doing what you can to help each other along the journey. You are doing that. Never feel like you are less-than, because you aren’t. You are everything! If it helps, you were a bright point in my day when I was suffering from some major anxiety and postpartum depression. I was so worried that I would never be able to enjoy my sweet little baby and that my life was doomed to suck forevermore. But your honesty and humor (coupled with some zoloft and ativan) helped me through. If you need to, say no to some things that you just don’t have the time to do (it’s very liberating I’ve learned) and cut yourself some slack, life is hard! Remember, depression lies, anxiety sucks, and everything is going to be okay. Sending loving, positive thoughts and prayers to you!
I could have written this post. I have said, often and to more than one person, that I wish I had more than 5 days in a month that I actually felt like I was succeeding at life. My eyes actually widened when I read this, because I thought, “really, it’s not just me?!”
The thing is, I’m the 2,896th person to comment. I only read a few of the comments above me, but a quick skim revealed a lot of, “me, too’s”. So it’s pretty clear to me that you aren’t alone in how you feel. And since I could have written this, that means that I’m not alone, either. So by posting this, you actually helped quite a few of us feel less isolated. Thank you for that.
I will say this – every time I reach out to a friend about feeling like I suck at life, I get feedback that makes me feel better. And not compliments, but people who go, “oh, you think what you did sucked? Listen to what I did!” And then I feel better, because the people I’m talking to are people who look / act / seem normal, competent, functional, etc. People that you would suspect have it all together all the time.
The more I force myself to actually do things, the better I feel. When I: Get out and walk. Empty the dishwasher. Log receipts in the budget. Etc. By controlling small things, I feel more in control of things, in general. That probably sounds silly, but it’s the best I can give. And yes, good music always helps.
Hang in there!
My mother sent me to a therapist because I “cried too much” and I didn’t accomplish things that she thought were important in life. He was wonderful and taught me that I cried because I was overwhelmed by feelings (like anger at my mother) and that I didn’t accomplish things because they weren’t important in my grand scheme of things, or I wasn’t ready for them at the time that I let them pass by.
So my answer is… I don’t really measure myself by other people’s standards of “successful” any more. I feel successful most days, because my goals in life are to treat myself well/take care of myself and to share some of the good treatment with other people, regardless of the amount of money I make, or if I am able to convince myself to take a shower. I am absolutely sure that other people view me as a loser… including people in my own family… but since they are generally assholes, and are generally unhappy, and being moderately happy is my goal, which I achieve on a daily basis, I just can’t bring myself to give much of a shit.
I guess that means that I think it might be beneficial to reassess your personal reasons for thinking one thing makes someone a “success” and another means one is a “loser.”
My husband suffers from depression and other mental maladies, and I try to remind him, all the time, when he is down on himself for having a crappy job/not making enough money, that the reason that most people want money is to procure shelter and love, which he already has… so the money, which would be nice, isn’t needed to keep his adoring wife by his side. She would rather have his time than the money we’d get from him being at work (and totally stressed out) more.
I don’t know if you’ll ever get this far but you are not alone. I feel productive/successfull may 3-5 days a month.
I lost my mom to lung cancer about two years ago. She smoked for 40+ years and then, when she quit, was diagnosed within 4 months. I still smoke.
I’m 29, a highschool drop-out, and have worked a total of 2 weeks out of my life. I have two children and an ex-husband. I live with my aunt. I have boxes which haven’t been unpacked through four moves. I don’t even know what’s in them anymore.
When my mom died, I recieved $150k from life insurance. I had big plans for that money. I was going to buy a house so I could own it outright, go back to school, maybe take a small trip. I am now down to less than a sixth of that money, and I have no idea what I spent it all on. Certainly not a house. I have three years of school left.
BUT, I AM still going to school, and I spend as much or more time with my kids as many a more “successfull” parent. Maybe I can no longer afford a new car, but the one I have works just fine with just basic maintenance. My children are wonderful, even if one is a attitudinous teen and the other has severe ADHD. I wouldn’t be here to post this if not for them.
I have to convince myself to crawl out of my nice, safe bed every day, but I do it. I struggle with depression. I’ve never been formally diagnosed, mostly because I don’t want to go see someone and end up with a list of everything that is wrong with me.
I think you’re feelings are more normal than not.
I have no idea how to end this. I want to express my love and admiration, for being open about your struggles, for being as successful as you are in spite of the obstacles thrown in your path. I just don’t know the right words. You are an insipration. When things are particularly bad, I use your words: “depression lies”.
Jenny, your heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with all of us. I feel less alone and less like a freak when I read your posts about your struggles (and the gazillion comments from others who think like we do). I feel successful maybe 5 or 6 days a month; I think I would feel it more, but if I feel like I accomplished something at noon, it’s often covered up by all the other crap that happened by 5. I literally got an email from my VP at work one day, telling me how amazing I was, and just as I closed the email, my boss came in and screamed at me. Guess which one had the lasting impact!
When I look at other people, I get depressed about my own life. I’m single, no kids, I don’t own a home. I have been successful in my work, though it usually makes me miserable (see boss above). Most of the “achieved success” markers in our culture or status symbols – I’m failing at them. Even looking at you with your hubby and beautiful daughter and house and career – if you weren’t opening up on this blog, we would all think you were one of those happy shiny people, because you’ve got the checklist complete. But, you are proof that the status symbols don’t say much about what’s really going on inside. So am I.
There is one thing that has helped me to start to add up successful moments that stick with me – actively practicing gratitude. It’s not that I wasn’t thankful for all that I’d been given, but I wasn’t actively practicing gratitude. That is, before I get up in the morning, I think about a few things I’m thankful for – and really soak up the love/joy that i have in them. That helps get my day started well. Throughout the day, as I hear myself complaining, I stop, and i find something real to be thankful for about the situation. At the end of the day, I journal about what I’m thankful for that day. Literally, I am practicing to be better at being grateful. And if I can make time/remember/force myself to do one of those three things on a bad day, I count it as success.
The other thing I do: to-do lists. Even if they are as simple as: 1. Feed cat; 2. Shower; 3. Put on clean pjs. Then, if I find I have done something that’s not on the list, I write it on the list and cross it off. I want credit for everything I do!
All of this is easier said than done, because some days I can’t do any of it. I spend the day in bed, trying to figure out why I am miserable. For me, I just keep trying new things to feel less crappy. I don’t want to get to the point where Jack Nicholson was in the shrink’s waiting room, and he said something like, “What if this is all there is? What if THIS is as good as it gets?” I’m determined that while I may never be a shiny person, I want to try to make myself enjoy just a little bit more of life, make it just a little better. Because, if this is as good as it gets, I would want to give up right now. I have to believe it can get a little bit better, and a little bit better.
Thanks for speaking into so many of our lives and making us feel a little more normal. Thanks for being brave and helping us to be a little braver. Thanks for being real, for being you. You inspire me.
I’ll start off with two facts, I don’t have mental illness and I didn’t read any other comments.
I go to work come home and do the ‘bare minimum to exist’ each day too. It’s the feeling of same shit different day most days. 3 or 4 days a month I feel happy too have done something, to have accomplished something outside the ‘normal’ everyday stuff.
I don’t feel like a failure all those other days though. I got through the day, did what I had to do and everyone is still alive. I go to bed and do it all over again.
My totally unprofessional out in left field thought is that if you are feeling like a failure, you need to talk to your doctor about it (and I know you are) Hopefully you can know that no one feels accomplished everyday, not even most days and you’re not a failure for those days.
That’s my two cents and I’m going to go crawl back where I came from.
you’re definitely not alone. just remember that all the people with pastel lives have the same cracks – look closer and you’ll see them. sometimes thinking that way is the only thing that can remind me how good I have it. I know I have it good, I know it. but sometimes it’s really hard to remember when you’re constantly bombarded with how awesome everyone else is. it doesn’t make you ungrateful, it doesn’t make you crazy; it makes you human, a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a coworker, a friend. that is a lot of hats to wear, and you do it better than you think.
I probably really feel like a did well maybe 3 days out of a month. The rest of the time it ranges from feeling like I existed today to feeling like a fucked shit up royally.
I’m a social worker and I work with mostly homeless individuals. People I meet say “oh that’s so great of you” or “what you’re doing is so good.” But most of the time I feel like shit because my efforts seem to just fall short of being enough and there are so many people that I can’t provide with what they need. I can’t get them mental health services because of the awful lack of affordable (which for them would be practically free) services. In many cases I watch them deteriorate because they have no access to medicine. It is heartbreaking and I’m supposed to be fixing it, but I can’t. And sometimes my own mental health gets in the way of me helping others which makes me feel even worse.
I’m supposed to be all together and moving mountains to get these people what they need. And I would, if I could, but usually I can’t. So on some months I have no days when I feel like I mastered life. And I some days I’m terrified I’ve messed up not only my own life, but somebody else’s. I’m horrified that I’m letting people down.
Today I broke down at work and cried as one of our regular individuals with schizophrenia yelled at me because I didn’t have his check yet. I might still cry more today.
I have yet found a way to make myself feel better. And now I feel like this comment is much too long and whingey. ON the plus side I did find $10 this morning 😉
I feel that way too. I think everyone does. Being an adult sucks balls. Sometimes, I gain traction by cleaning my house or having a good week at work. Other times, I fail with seemingly little shit… like paying my bills, answering the phone, showering, etc. I get paralyzed by unreasonable anxiety and fears. I make excuses not to see my friends. But during the lucidly awesome week or so, I do great. I do all the things. At least you’re honest. We love you for being transparent about your life and bringing all of us here to also be honest. It’s cathartic.
Your post and some of these comments break our hearts. But thank you for your honesty.
We never think about how many days a month we feel successful. We don’t measure ourselves, because that would entail comparing ourselves to something or someone. We don’t do that. We don’t care what other people think. If you write a list of 10 things to do and you do one, you are a success. If you don’t do it…well, tomorrow is another day.
We don’t care if people like us, our blog, our show. Don’t invite us to your party. Don’t invite us to your kid’s party. Odd…this attitude makes people invite you to more stuff.
We write a relationship segment under “The Love Genies” on our blog. With Joe being a firefighter and so close to death every single day…every single day!…he is blunt and has no time for sugar coating. Life is short. People need to live it the way THEY want to.
God bless you and everyone reading your blog and in the blogging community. Sometimes we all need a group hug, a shot of scotch and to be thankful we are not living in cardboard boxes. Unless your box is in a place where you get free wifi and you have an iphone and you are next to Starbucks. Then you are just working al fresco. But don’t use the toilets in Starbucks…snakes!
I was recently given a copy of what someone who barely knows me said to describe me to her boyfriend and I had to screen shot it and save it to look up every so often. I needed something to remind me of how I look on the outside to others. I try to live up to it but marvel at the fact that I apparently already do. I’m not diagnosed with anything but that doesnt make me ‘normal’,… I have maybe 2-3 days a month where I feel like superwoman and mightymom but I have 2-3 days a month where not even I want to be around me. The rest of the month I try to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and feel like I accomplished something even if that is only I survived the day. Strangely just looking in this 110+ year old mirror helps as it has seen four generations of my family grow and plenty of women with their bad days have to face themselves. They carried on, so can I. (However if someone sings ‘the sun’ll come out tomorrow’ I may evicerate them)
I also suffer from axiety and depression. One the good side, the meds are working..mostly. On teh down side, the meds dont work all the time or all the way. I too suffer from Imposter Sydnrome. I dont know how to take a compliment or acknowledge that I am good at anything….but I’m learning. There are times when I stop using Pinterest. I have stopped going to the Hockey Rink for every game/practice. I dont go to the mall unless I need something specific. I limit who and what’s around me to the things I am comfortable with. This way I dont compare (as much anyway) myself to all the “perfect people” out there. I wish that we could all see ourselves the way other people do. I mean the people that love and value us. I know that my friends, family, co-workers etc think I am smart, funny, pretty, compassionate, sweet, good-hearted and loving. I know they do because they tell me. I dont always trust that what they say is true but why would they say it if they didnt believe it? Little steps Jenny, little steps. List the good things you’ve done, the “successful” things youve accomplished. REad it. Read it and force yourself to believe until you start to truly believe. I dont put my laundry away, I step on cat litter most days, I yell at my kids, I dont do the dishes for a day or two etc. Those things dont define me. They are traits of mine that happen sometimes. I hug and tickle and tell my kids I love them every day. I foster homeless cats/Kittens. I cuddle them and remind myself that they could’ve died without me. I call a friend and tell her jokes until she laughs. I find my successes in little things and most days these are enough. You are enough. You are caring, thoughtful, sweet, funny as fuck, witty, intelligent, profane, goofy, snazzy, inspirational, compassionate. No one out here cares if your cake pops are perfectly symmetrical or your tea towels match the grout in your imported Italian slate tiles. We care about you. Making you laugh as much as you make us laugh. About lifting you up to the light the way you lift us up. What you see as your imperfections are the quirks that the whole world loves most about you! Depression Lies. Anxiety is a shady muthafucka too.
Yah. I have rambled here but it is with my whole heart that I say You are loved. You are valued. You are needed. You made it thru today and tomorrow you will get up and prevail. It’s what you do.
You just made me realize that the reason I’ve been cranky lately is because this is exactly how I’m feeling. Most days I do a pretty good impression of somebody who is keeping it together, but then I go home and cry in the bathroom or hyperventilate because I feel like I’m failing at life and I don’t know how to keep it up. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but from these comments, it sounds like we’re all just trying to scrape by as best we can.
You managed to bring together a zillion people who need each other and might not have found their tribe otherwise, and thousands of them feel the same way and care enough to comment and share their deepest, darkest fears. That’s pretty amazing and YOU are pretty amazing, whether or not your hair is washed.
I’ve been a long time reader but not sure if I’ve ever commented before. Felt like if there should ever be a first time, it’s now!
I am not diagnosed with any sort of depression or anxiety (which I only say to give you a background of where I’m coming from) – THESE FEELINGS SOUND COMPLETELY NORMAL TO ME. But maybe their *frequency* is abnormal, and the fact that they seem to bring you down so much rather than being able to acknowledge them and set them aside.
I think social media can be a great tool to bring people together (like I feel so connected to this community right here of people I’ve never met and never even spoke with – lurker to the max) but it’s very nature pushes most (99.9%) of people towards this “bright and shiny” bias. Meaning when I feel a little sh!#&ty I don’t post a facebook status about it. Same with my friends – they post pictures of their boyfriends, their adorbs puppy, that picnic, etc. So when I see them that weekend and they ask me how I am and I want to say “work is stressing me out, and i’m biting my nails again and it makes me feel dirty and gross and then when I get home I look in the mirror and i’m frustrated by the things I can’t accomplish and i start picking at zits that aren’t even really there and now my face looks like a battlezone and i haven’t gone grocery shopping in weeks so i’m eating awful food and haven’t been to the gym in a month so i feel like a total failure and it’s all so i can be seen as a success at work and is it worth it?” instead I think of that perfect picnic they went on and I say “oh things are great!” and although she wants to tell me that she’s in a fight with her boyfriend because he stood her up at the picnic that she actually ended up eating by herself wishing she’d brought a book with her to hide behind…she says “oh me too! so good to see you!”
You’re unique because of how honest your posts are. There are so many bloggers out there – but while they focus on presenting the new-age version of martha steward, you share the real life details we can actually relate to – so it’s unfair when you compare yourself to others because you’re comparing the WHOLE of you against a small, albeit shiny, PART of them.
I was pointed in the way of this blog post by a friend I’ve been discussing anxiety with, and just let me say that you are totally not alone. Reading your sentiments at the start of this, I felt like it could have been me talking.
Today’s Inspirational Quote:
“What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are.”
— Anthony Robbins
And remember (Quoting from Jenny) DEPRESSION LIES. Sounds like your is kicking you…
yesterday a colleague dropped a potato chip and when he bent to pick it up he stabbed it with his finger and it broke into three pieces on the floor and he said “dammit” really loud and looked at me as he picked up the three pieces and said, “that kind of thing can really make me angry. good thing i wasn’t in a bad mood or i would have been worse” and i almost hugged him. for a moment i realized i am not alone in being pissed off my potato chip breaks up. that i am not alone in being angry when tiny things happen.
your post was beautiful because you express so much for so many people — and yes, we all need to work on being better people and we could all do more and work harder and yes, sometimes just getting to the bank that day is all we can do. but we do it. and when we get to the bank we get there and we get home.
you’ve said before, depression lies. you’re right. i have three to four days a month when i think i am not a huge suckhole of ick. those days i store up the feeling of sun on my face, wind on my cheeks, love in my heart, tears of joy in my eyes, wonder, curiosity, passion, hunger, satiation, and the sweet texture of silk under my fingertips and i remind myself of those things when my mind will not let me have them. i have the memories to bring me to the next day when i can rebuild — and sometimes in the interim i read your blog and remember —
depression lies.
you are awesome. you are learning. enjoy it.
Hmmmm…
Well on a parenting level, I’d say I feel like I kicked ass 5 or 6 days a month.
Business, I’d say about 20. I get shit done, I’m a machine. A graphic design machine.
On a personal level, as in taking care of myself and showering LOL, probably 4-ish
On a crafty Martha Stewart type level, I’d say zero. Definitely zero.
I suffer from mild depression, no anxiety.
Don’t sweat it.
Everyone is fucking up and faking it.
Always.
I suggest reading read Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All (any Tom Robbins really, but SLA to this point in particular). If you don’t have time to read it immediately, I give you the punch line….
“….We’re making it up… Us. All of us. All of it. The, world, the universe, life, reality. Especially reality… We make it up. We made it up. We shall make it up. We have been making it up. I make it up. You make it up. He, she, it makes it up.”
~Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All
You’re welcome,
Moonscribe
When I’m sick, I count it as a ‘win’ if I manage to get dressed and make it out of the house.
You manage to spend time every day with your daughter (who seems like a pretty great kid); that’s a pretty big deal. I wonder if the PTA-ers actually spend quality time with their kids…
The people who seem perfect in some aspect are probably a mess in another area of their lives. Everybody has weaknesses; some are just more visible than others and some people lie more than others.
I didn’t even know Imposter Syndrome was a thing. Now my whole life makes a little more sense. Sister, I totally hear you on feeling like we just never measure up. Let’s start a club. But instead of discussing books we can discuss our feelings of inadequacy. I’ll bring the wine slushies.
My daughter goes to french immersion school, so on top of it those moms are all all skinnier, better dressed, bring nice food to events and wear neck scarves and talk in a language I don’t speak so I used to be convinced they were talking about me.
Fuck ’em.
When I judge them, I judge me. and judging makes me feel like crap. So I stopped judging. When I compare myself, I feel like crap. And why am I making me feel bad? That’s just so unnecessary. I’m selfish enough to kick this shit to the curb.
I show up in shorts and unwashed and no bra and really I don’t care. Because: why? Why am I supposed to care?
WHATEVER!
You are normal, but you don’t need to suffer this normal nonsense of comparison. You are in charge of you.
I’m clergy (seriously), and one of the first things I learned on this job is that every single person I meet has serious issues. Because they are human. Some of them are easily hidden for the present moment, but they will catch up or come out sooner or later. Sometimes in public, sometimes in my office. Nobody has that pastel/picnic life, even if they pretend it’s so for a picture or for school drop-off. That’s the lie.
As for me? I’m a graduate student in a field no one cares about and in my spare time I’m trying to lead my faith community to be a place of compassion and justice and hope all in the midst of being honest about real life. Most days, it’s a complete disaster. I spent lots of time in tears. You are not alone, even if we don’t all have the same experiences. Thanks for being you; I love this space you have created.
I have been suffering from anxiety/depression since forever and have tried to steer clear of meds or anything of that nature–which can be extremely difficult at points–but I digress. Have you tried meditation? For years people have been suggesting to me that I meditate because it has healing effects on anxiety and depression as well as making your mind be free of all the clutter and madness. And I’m like, sure, that sounds great–how do I do that? And then I get sidetracked with life and drop the idea. Until! I just stumbled upon this website called headspace–created by a buddhist monk. He guides you on 10 minute meditations daily–and you can eventually choose ones that assist on specific things–like anxiety, creativity, depression, etc. I just downloaded it onto my phone and haven’t started yet cause I want my husband to do it with me (he can’t turn off his thoughts at night). Just a suggestion that perhaps it might be something that could help you out–I’m hoping it helps for me! 10 minutes doesn’t seem so crazy–and if it doesn’t work, I’ve only lost a few minutes. http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/index.aspx
So, this is my first comment on the internet, ever. I am not lying or super old. I am 25, and I guess the level of social distress I experience is so heavy that the idea of having to maintain a facebook or twitter is terrifying to me. So instead I read your blog and usually feel better just knowing there is someone who gets what it’s like to be somewhat non social. I usually don’t feel any need to contribute to what’s being said, but after reading your post today while I probably won’t make you feel better, I can let you know that I am sort of the same way. While I do have a few days of the month where I am awesome at getting stuff done, I mostly have hours. Like everyday at 6:30 in the morning I plan all the things I’m going to accomplish like massive amounts of cleaning and actually writing. (I gave myself a deadline of a year to write something or actually find a decent job.) I suppose the gods figured the only way I was going to not live in a refrigerator box was to have a husband that makes more than enough to give us a great life, materially. Which makes me feel worse. Because I’m not super pretty, trophy pretty at all and for some fucked up reason he chose to marry and give me an amazing life. Any way my year to write ends in November. I can only write if I psych myself up to, for weeks. Then I get a few good writing days. But I can only do this between like 6:30-11:00 if it’s going to happen. Otherwise it’s impossible. I usually spend my days feeling like I am awful at life and if someone else was in my position they would write the most epic of sagas. Instead there is me, the girl who cannot do anything unless she plans to for weeks. That includes leaving the house for anything besides going to the grocery store. I have more laundry and home projects to finish then is acceptable for any “housewife”. Instead I just say I’ll do it later and I read pretty much the whole day instead or watch sitcoms as I sit in a haze while hating myself for being crappy at getting stuff done. But since this my first comment ever, I’m ending it on a weird note. In your book you had those raccoons, I had raccoons too! My dad accidentally killed their mother, so he brought the two babies home they lived in my still in use by me playpen/crib thing. Anyway, I think you are wonderful and you make me feel not so alone.
Jenny,
I don’t know if you’ll read this since so many have commented before. You aren’t alone. You are a perfectly normal human. More and more people are coming out on the internet and saying “dude, I feel like I’m just faking it.” In the depths of my post partum depression just showering every day was an accomplishment. There are days I feel successful for making it to bedtime (my daughter is 2.5).
Have you ever read spoon theory? Google it if you haven’t. The author describes how people have x amount of spoons for a day and different tasks take different amounts of spoons.
Now for a couple suggestions. Give yourself manageable goals. Pick a box and unpack it. Even if you designate an “I don’t know where to put this crap” place and pile half the box there you will have unpacked it. Once you have done one box then you can consider doing a second. Say “I’ll write one page today. Even if it’s stream of consciousness garbage that doesn’t make it to the light of day I will have written one page.” Some days making it to the bank is a win. Some days a shower is a win. Lastly, before you go to bed each night name one thing you accomplished. I don’t care how small the accomplishment is, name it, own it, and call the day a win. Also, after so many days of accomplishing things having a day where you accomplish absolutely nothing except being 100% lazy is necessary and healthy. It’s why people who work for corporations get vacation days. The brain needs a break now and then. Hell, the Bible says someting in it about a day of rest every 7th day.
I have depression, add, and social anxiety too. I know how hard life can be with that combo. I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed by a large task. I cope by breaking them down into smaller pieces that I can tackle (hence the one box versus a whole room). I let myself earn something (a cookie, a tv break, anything) for accomplishing my goals. I make folding the laundry (slightly) pleasurable by doing it while I watch tv.
Most of all, that mom that looks like she has it all together? There’s something in her life that isn’t all together. There’s a door in her life house that’s closed to hide the mess. NO ONE has it all together. We’re all just faking it.
It really is not just you. I produce work all the time, but I too rarely feel like I’ve done something worthwhile. I always feel like a fraud and a disappointment. Most of the world won’t know that, because growing up in an alky family taught me Cheerfulness As Armor. But you’re really, really not alone on this.
If only everyone didn’t have to feel like failures for being REGULAR OLD PEOPLE. Those shiny looking PTO moms? HATE BEING ON THE PTO! I know cuz I was one of them for two years. The world is just so full of pressure to “be accomplished” or “feel fulfilled” or “get shit done” (the quotations marks on that last one might be a little suspect) but when it comes right down to it, we were probably just put here to SURVIVE. And help our offspring survive. So MISSION ACCOMPLISHED SELF. And also MISSION ACCOMPLISHED JENNY! Let’s celebrate with wine!
I felt like this most of my life. Like there was some magic video game style Accomplishment Level that I could achieve that would make my existence deamed of value. “Ding, Ding, Ding! You are now worthy!”
I was convinced that I was just not hitting it. I must be a horrible waste of time and energy. No achievement lasted long enough. Mostly, I was just failing. This was of course, completely unrelated to real life in anyway. Now I realize I could lay in bed for 3 months and my existence still has value. Would you ever tell your daughter that if she does not present a long list of accomplishments she is a failure and has no value?! No, she is wonderful because she is. Teach her that by living it for yourself. You know it is true when you look at her. So let the punshing fear crap fall away, like an onion layer. If this all disappeared, if you had an accident and could no longer use words because your brain broke in the ‘word area,’ you would still be valuable, lovable and critical to have here on the planet. It isn’t about what you accomplish. You do not have to prove your worthiness. It really is just about being here and that you have already done.
You already have so many responses because so many people go to this blog everyday because you are very funny and very real. Here are my thoughts. I rarely have kick-ass days, I have kick-ass moments. I’m learning to savor them because the next thing I know, life is kicking my ass. Recently I had a massage that actually left me relaxed. It had been so long since I’d experienced being relaxed that I was stunned (and realizing what I was missing), however, I woke up the next morning sick as a dog with the stomach flu. Life is just plain hard to live sometimes. And remember, those PTA moms – they’ve just learned how to hide behind a good front. You and I, we don’t hide – we are real. I feel my absolute worst when my son is sick or things are right in his world. I feel successful when he’s healthy and everything is right for him. Curl up with your daughter and the cats. Love the stuffing out of her. Everything else really doesn’t matter and will be there tomorrow. Deal with it then.
I feel successsful most days, but not because I am doing anything extraordinary or even that productive. But I do take care of my daughter, and go to bed happy with my husband at night, and make it through my days being kind to people. I honestly think that the purpose of life is to put positive energy into the world so that it just keeps getting better. What else do we really have to do? If you have a gift, share it. Which you do…you write these posts that inspire people, and connect them, and make them feel understood, and make them laugh. I think you are doing powerful things and maybe just try to realize that. We all have things we are good at and things we aren’t good at (or don’t care about enough to put in the effort). I am not a pinterest party mom, but I am a good listener. My friends know not to host a party with me, but they can always call to chat or come over and hang out. Most people aren’t expecting a lot out of other people, other than kindness. If you get that part down, the rest is usually enough.
Dear girl, you really need to cut yourself some slack. You mention ‘mental illness’ often enough, but I wonder if you’re giving yourself any credit for carrying on a *relatively* normal life living w/a chronic disease like RA? I’ve had RA for 35 yrs now, and no one, I mean NO ONE, ever mentions the depression and exhaustion that are part and parcel of living with the disease. They can treat the pain, and perform surgeries that can help return normal function, but the emotional toll on yourself and your family are untreated. I’ve been there, raised 2 fine young woman and have a supportive husband, so I’ve learned to be the mom who sits and passes out the tickets at the door, the mom who doesn’t do the heavy lifting and toting of supplies – and my family has never expected it. And if you can’t pass out those tickets at the door, you know what? Your dear Victor would probably do it in your place, as he sounds like a nice, nice guy.
So know people love you, you’re SO not alone, and love yourself. And keep your sense of humor in the dark times – they will pass eventually. God bless-
Remember back in the olden days when we used to take photos on film and take them somewhere to be developed and then get them back and be disappointed at how much most of the photos sucked? There might be one or two good ones, but the rest were out of focus, or badly framed, or just didn’t look how you remember that moment. I hated that. Felt like a giant failure because I couldn’t get what I wanted on film.
Then I worked with a professional photographer – a good one. And learned that out of a roll of 36 exposures, he was ecstatic if one or two made it past the first cut. He was happy with one out of eighteen.
That hit me hard. Here I was, comparing myself to some imaginary being who could take 36 perfect shots in a row. *Such a person never existed.*
I remember that now when I compare myself unfavourably to others. a) The perfect people don’t exist. b) If they did, I wouldn’t want to be their friend. c) Even someone really good at what they do only gets it right about 6% of the time.
I’d say at a 10% success rate, you’re kicking ass.
I think to a certain extent ALL of us (ie: humans) are this way. I know I am and I know lots of friends and family are too. The truth is, it’s completely normal and OK to feel the way you (we) do. Sometimes the greatest accomplishments of the day are getting out of bed and hugging the ones you love. Just imagine life without THAT and you will gain perspective of what really matters. You’re special …..you’re unique …..and yet you are also very much like everyone else! CELEBRATE!!
“I feel like I’m treading water and that I’m always another half-day behind in life.” YES! I feel like this all the time. I used to think maybe there was a conference that everyone else got invited to in high school or maybe college that taught them all sorts of things that I never learned (like what “points” are for a mortgage) and maybe I was sick that day. And I’ve been playing catch-up ever since. Like when you’re in math class and you just can’t get one idea and since each concept in mathematics builds on the last one and everyone else in the class got the first one, you feel like a massive idiot. Only here’s the thing I learned in Pre-Calc: no one ever got the first thing and we’re all sitting at our desks smiling like we know what the fuck’s going on, but we all just flunked our mid-term exam. We have NO IDEA. We’re all just too proud to admit it.
And the older I get, the more I feel like life is like that Pre-Calc class. You may feel like a complete fuck-up, but so does everyone else. All of us are just sitting here smiling, thinking “God, I hope no one realizes what a fuck-up I am.” So thank you for being woman enough to step up to the plate and admit it. That’s more brave than 99% of the population.
I feel like this sometimes. But, you know, spending the day huddled up watching LHotP is a success. Kids remember that stuff, and so much of what we do when our kids are this age is raising them. Spending time with them.
The other day, my daughter made mention that I never finish any of the projects I start. I explained to her that for the most part, that is because I choose to spend time with her. I could eat dinner fast and run outside and work on stuff all evening and come in well after she is asleep if I wanted to. But, I don’t.
And so, you don’t do the stuff that perhaps you should have which makes you think about that more, and if your brains loops, you end up sad.
Fortunately, I am computer programmer and I can program my brain to not loop.
Sadly, the NSA probably has a backdoor.
Mike
Thank you for sharing this and thanks to all who have commented. I really had no idea these feelings were shared by so many. It’s funny, I don’t really think of myself as depressed, but I sure to feel I’m failing at life. I rarely feel successful. At work, home, life in general. Always the struggle. I don’t even know if I can say I feel successful 3-4 days a month.
I do have little successes that pull me through: Getting in exercise when I don’t even want to move. Logging my daily calorie intact even when the numbers are horrifying. And I’m clean. Some days that is the best I can offer: at least I bathed.
PS: the clean comment does not refer to my house, just my body.
After reading this post I now feel like a shitty person because I feel good that you feel this way… because it means I am not alone. So I feel good and shitty at the same time… not sure what to do with those emotions.
I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and was diagnosed in grad school. I am a cancer researcher and mom of a toddler. People call me super mom and perfect and all it does is piss me off! Perfect is not possible! And if I am perfect why do I feel like crap? Why is what I do never enough? Who is it never enough for? ME?!?! So who puts this pressure on me? ME?!?!? So why can’t I stop? Because depression (and in my case, anxiety) LIES! And honestly, I do not think that feeling this way is completely due to our mental conditions… I think that it is normal!!!
We all do this to some extent. But you are completely correct that no one talks about it! Which is why I am going to share this post of yours on my social networking accounts! We need to talk more about how we are not all overrated, has 7 kitchens in her house and a staff to clean them, unlimited budget Martha Stewarts! I am sure that she is a nice woman, but she is not the standard we must all meet! I can do lots of things she cannot do and I am sure you can, too, Jenny!
I will get 7 things off my to do list and look at the three I did not get done and feel bad. I need to stop that! We need to live in the moment and enjoy our children and family and friends. Now if I only knew how to do that…
I live in the grey area between depression/anxiety and whatever you want to call holding my life together. 3-4 days a month I feel like I can call something a success. The rest of the time, I fake it. From what I can tell, everyone is.
I’m piling on because I have to. I am not depressed and other than acute impostor syndrome I do not have anxiety issues. I have what, from the outside, looks like a very shiny pastel life and I really do love it. But part of what I love is that even though I think my coworkers and friends are wrong about how much I have my work and my life together, I can accept that I’m at least passing for now. Maybe the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing will be discovered eventually, but for now I’m faking it ok.
But Jenny, I don’t have kids. And I’m terrified to have kids even though my husband wants to, because I’m so scared that if we have a baby and I screw things up it won’t just be me and my husband (who can generally take care of himself) that I’m screwing up: it will be a tiny little innocent person who wouldn’t exist and be hurt if it weren’t for me.
You are so brave to be a mom. And you are so awesome to be a mom. I may look pastel from the outside, and I may have mostly fine days, but I am too much of a coward to do what you’ve done.
Okay. Here’s the truth you ask for. What you have written speaks to normalcy in my book. It speaks to me. Of me. To my feelings. I read nothing new in what you wrote. Meaning, everything you spoke about is something I’ve felt myself. I am not, nor have I ever been, a part of the PTA. It doesn’t appeal to me. I simply have no motivation for it. I don’t go to the meetings at school. I just don’t care. I read the emails, so why do I need to sit through the boring redundant meetings as well? Not only have I waited until the last minute to help finish my child’s’ projects, sometimes, I’ve flat out done their homework so they would just go to bed and I would know it was done right and they would pass. And accomplishment? I figure if I can make it from home to work without yelling at some other driver, then I’ve had an accomplishment. Yeah. Maybe 2-3 times a month? Maybe.
I have a very hard time looking at life and not focusing on what I consider the failures. What I could have, should have, would have done had I had 20/20 hindsight, yada yada yada, and all that bull. I can preach a good game, and I’ve done good instilling the desire to want better in my kids thought process. Maybe I can count that as a success.
I have worked hard on focusing on the positive lately. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it does make me feel better. It also opened my eyes. I realized who around me was a negative nancy, and who was more apt to build me up. That is important. Shocking what a difference in attitude limiting contact with the negative and expanding the positive can do.
And now that I’ve lost my train of thought, can’t even hear the whistle, I’ll say simply, it’s not just you. You are not alone. You are in a mighty big club. We should take over the world! Great in theory, but I imagine we’re all too lazy for that.
It only feels like it’s just you because everyone else feels like it’s just them and we are isolated in our seeming unworthiness… we need to realize we are not alone. All of us are wounded, gifted, sad, exuberant, and often don’t know what to do with the big pile of it all becasue in our pain it seems like we are indeed a solitary sufferer. You are making a right choice by loving your daughter and husband before all else.
In all honesty, I’m not sure I could even claim 3-4 days of feeling like I’m successful at life. On the other hand, I do recognize I have a problem. On the other, other hand, I lack the support network and financial resources to deal with it. From where I’m sitting you’re doing fine.
I’ve been in and out of therapy for large chunks of my teendom and adulthood. Anti-depressants have come and gone in my life and I still have ups and downs. One of the first things that ever helped me was a therapist that taught me, I’m doing my best every day. If I could do more in a day, then I would. If I can’t bring myself to get something on my list accomplished, or even get out of the bed for the day, it’s alright; because for that moment that was my best. The next big thing that helped me was coming across Pema Chodron’s book, “When Things Fall Apart; Heart Advice for Difficult Times” It helped change my perspective on things a lot. It’s been long enough since I read it that I’m going to re-read it very soon. Another therapist taught me to find things I love to do and to make sure I do one of them every day. Whether it’s art, dancing, writing, it doesn’t matter. It’s up to you. Right now, it’s horseback riding, kung fu, reading and art. Part of my struggle lies largely with my physical state. So I’ve promised myself to move more. If I can’t move, I try to focus on anything I can to improve myself. Sometimes I focus on learning something, watching comedies till my sides hurt, seeking out awesome bloggers like yourself (not even kidding. I’ve dug through your archives when feeling down, just as a pick-me-up) or spending more time with my kids. And part of my life journey has taught me to re-evaluate the definition of “successful”. Was it my own definition or was it a definition that someone else created? Is the definition I’m working with a good fit for me? It occurred to me that I’ve been trying to fit a definition of success that I let others define for me and I’m not 100% sold their definition is right for me. I’m not a multi-media power house or super woman and I fall down with my efforts. But making those adjustments and making the promise to myself to keep trying, has definitely made me a lot less critical of myself.
maybe try being bipolar? i get a nice productive swing every so often and get a ton of shit done. the rest of the time i feel like if i get out of bed it’s a win. so let’s say…. 2 or three weeks of every year.
by the time this posts you’ll have over 3000 people saying ‘me too’. i’m just the next one.
I think there’s a difference between objectively not keeping shit together and subjectively not keeping shit together. For example, I have a job I’m successful at (meaning, I make enough money that together with my husband we have enough money to be comfortable and to save some away). My house is decently clean (not like Pineterest, but neatish and cleanish). The laundry gets done mostly on time. We have take out only about twice a week, and reasonably healthy food the rest of the time. My kids don’t smell or look visibly dirty; they bathe at least twice a week and change clothes daily. I change the sheets at least once a month. I shower every day. I have no overdue bills. Homework gets done on time and turned in. My kids are happy in general and I know that they know that I love them more than heaven and earth. My husband and I don’t fight too much or swear at each other.
etc.
Objectively, based on these things, I’m rocking life most every day! However, subjectively, I have lots of days where I feel worthless, guilty, and like I’m not doing enough. My son has ADHD. I worry that he’ll never learn social skills because I’m not “doing enough”. I yell at my kids, then feel guilty that I’m a “yelling mom”. I’ve spanked my kids before, then worry that I’ve done them psychological harm. I get snippy with my husband and he gets huffy and I worry that he has stopped loving me. I forget the damn soccer ball for soccer practice, and my kid has to beg one off the coach, and I worry that the coach thinks I’m a total loser. I see some friends got together from photos on Facebook, and I was not invited, and I worry that they don’t really like me at all. Subjectively, I worry about stupid stuff every single day too.
6, 7 days tops, and I don’t have any mental illness, so you are totally not alone in this.. Remeber, Facebook and Pinterest are in a bitchy sorority with Depression, they all lie.
Imposter Syndrome? Check. Sad for no apparent reason? Check. Feel a failure despite evidence of success? Check.
Jenny, I think you are amazing and …human for having these feelings. Personally I question the fuck out of people who have all their shit together all the time. (Or those that pretend they do.)
There’s a famous Mark Twain quote: COMPARISON IS THE DEATH OF JOY. I could have said I made it up because I don’t know how well read you are, but imagine my embarassment if you caught my plagiaristic attempt. Then there’s the graduation speech, “Wear Sunscreen”, apparently erroneously attributed to Kurt Vonnegut, the salient point that I remember being “Don’t read fashion magazines. They will only make you feel ugly”.
You have found possibly the one man on earth who finds your, shall we say, idiosyncrises (boy, I really can’t spell today) charming, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter, you have close friends who love you and you’ve found a mileu (again with the spelling; why doesn’t it suggest more productive options?) by which you, I hope, make a good income and bring the joy of heart-felt belly laughter to persons such as myself who have a somewhat skewed sense of humor. Your work has also apparently contributed to people not taking their own lives.
You’ve acknowledged that from the outside in your life looks happy and successful. Trust me on this one, the people you are putting on a pedestal have their public/game face on too. You have to know people really well to know what’s actually going on in their lives/how they’re feeling – not something most of us Americans are good at.
How you can not consider your life a success is a mystery to me.
This is the first comment I have ever made.
Best,
Kathy (I’m the woman who approached you at Yankee Pier at SFO. I said I’d checked my copy of Let’s Pretend because I didn’t want to disturb my fellow flyers by laughing out loud. Also that I’d written my own inscription since I was too impatient a person to wait out the line at the SF book signing (ok, book signing is two words – now it’s red squiggly underlined ok – what’s up with that???: “This is not a good book to read yourself to sleep by. You will be laughing so hard you will wake yourself up. Quite counterproductive. You’re welcome”.
I totally feel you. I might have 2 days a month where I feel that I rocked as a human being. Most days though, I suffer from writer’s block, depression, anxiety, impostor’s syndrome, body dysmorphia, ADD (recently diagnosed — I’m 26) and god knows what else. Most of the time I feel that I’m not adequate enough to even get through life. Treading water typically feels like I’m half breathing water.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, suffice it to say that you’re not alone in how you feel.
Not just you. There are some months that go well, and I get two weeks of happy/successful feeling…but there are other months where I have no days at all. Granted, I’m bipolar and have swings…but I don’t think it’s that abnormal to feel shitty about yourself.
Hang in there! I always found it helpful to make lists of what I feel bad about, how I’m interpreting them, what my evidence is, etc…it make me realize just how poorly I’m interpreting a lot of situations, which can make a huge difference, even if just for a few minutes.
I feel doubt that anyone will ever get to comment 2927, but I’m leaving it anyway.
Mother Teresa had doubts and uncertainties. Human beings aren’t perfect, we are all doing the best we can. If there are people on the planet who will remember you with love when you are gone, you did fine.
I’ve had 2 particular days this week that happen off and on.
Day 1: i busted my hump, was supper productive, and it was awesome. but if i explained to my boss what i did, he’d think nothing got done.
Day 2: i busted my hump, and nothing i worked on got done, things were broken, i feel like i was treading water all day.
That’s just part of life. We start over tomorrow.
No. I’ll say this- if two women look at me on the same day in the same setting depending on their life experience and expectations they will see the opposite thing. One will see a failure who fed her kids chicken nuggets, doesn’t spend enough time with them, bought garanimals from Wal-mart and said chicken nuggets from McDonalds and threw the plastic wrapping associated with both away in my trash. The other will look at me and see- wow- how does she do it all, she goes to work and sets a role model example for her girls, figures out how to get them to eat apple and their clothes coordinate. It’s the same me that is pulling out of the drive-thru lane of Mcdonalds on a Tuesday night with three wild monkey children that I’ve just picked up from daycare and had to get takeout so that I wouldn’t have to cook (read: microwave our own nuggets) because her husband is teaching tonight and the sole goal for the evening is to get the children home, fed, washed and to bed with minimal frustration from all parties involved. I feel crummy because I have to do it myself that night, because I didn’t get out of work on time, because I won’t have time to do homework with them let alone read for pleasure for me or to them, because I didn’t cook and I love food and cooking and because there are a zillion things I’d like to do but I know I won’t get done. Again. I also have some anxiety/depression and the way I think about things makes a huge difference in my happiness. When I can control it. Which isn’t all the time. I guess my point is lots of people live lots of different kinds of lives and pretty much any of those people can and are judged for doing it right and doing the same thing wrong by others and their expectations. When I start feeling like I suck at something important (ie I can’t just forget about it or give it up) then I try to cut other things out to make time to figure out what could be done to fix it or is my best bet that time will pass and life will move on. This maybe/probably doesn’t help at all other than to say we all feel like we suck sometimes, sometimes a lot of the time- but I really think it’s the fact that we are thinking that and want to do better next time that makes it ok.
I cannot point to one whole day of happiness/okayness in my entire life. Hours, yes, but never a whole day. What makes my heart hurt is that I have only just realized this fact – I mean I have always known I was struggling, but it never occurred to me that whole days with colour were possible. Worse: these statements would be a complete surprise to those around me.
So, there are eleventy billion comments already and you might have stopped even reading them, but here this is anyway; I feel like this, a lot. I have some of the same mental illnesses (anxiety disorder, panic attacks, sometimes regular old shitty depression). I also run two businesses of my/our own, instead of working a “real” job, and I have no kids. So I feel like I have no excuse for feeling as lame at life as I do most days. Yes, I get shit done, and yes I’m never really “off”, but I always feel like other people do MORE and that I am not getting enough accomplished. I work my ass off, but I never feel it’s enough. Realistically, I can see that I am doing things, but I feel like my things are not nearly as impressive or successful as other people’s things. Or that I should be doing better at my things. I feel like I’ve kicked ass and chewed bubblegum about 5 days out of the month, the rest of the time I feel like I’m a schlub on the couch in my sweatpants, regardless of whether or not I actually am. And I especially feel like other people look at me that way. I often also feel like my husband deserves a better mate, someone who is more functional and able to as you put it not fail at being human so much.
Though, the house is still standing, there’s clean laundry and reasonably healthy suppers and I can pay the bills doing something we enjoy instead of working a job I hate. So that’s something, and something that a normal person would probably be proud of.
LOL! I know you weren’t trying to be funny, but I loved this post. This is SO EVERYONE. Seriously – just for fun, show up at my house like 45 minutes before I am expecting you. I am usually running around with wet hair, in various stages of undress, hiding all my mess in my bedroom…wait you might come in my bedroom for some reason….lets shove it in the closet….you will never look there……
You are not alone. I wish I could read all the comments above, because someone has probably already suggested what I’m about to suggest, but it took me three minutes just to scroll to the bottom so I know I don’t have time to read them all 🙂
The thing that has helped me the most is mindfulness meditation. When I let go of evaluating myself in the big picture or trying to put a number on my success, I can see how moment to moment I am more successful than I think. Am I a loving person right now? Am I appreciating beauty/humor/love right now? Those major successes fade away in light of even one small failure, because I think our brains are programmed to focus on our failures so we can learn from our mistakes. Let’s do that…learn from the mistake and then just move on. I know, easier sad than done! But practicing mindfulness has been the only way I have found success at noticing my successes and really believing they exist.
Your spending time watching Little House with your daughter is an example of exactly what I’m talking about. Your connecting to millions of readers is another example. You have provided a forum through which I get so much sustenance, and I think other readers will say the same. Your email assistant responded to me when I sent a self-doubting email, and I’d like to return the favor. That is part of what you have created here…a supportive community. No small feat!
It’s just you. And a few others. And me. That i know of.
I have a friend who is wildly productive, enthusiastic, busy and successful. And thin. And gorgeous. With long hair that always looks frikkin awesome. She always says everything is going perfectly. Her business is really successful. So is her husband’s. They have a super awesome gigantic house, which they are renovating (and that involves materials being transported from places like italy and prague). I look at her and feel jealous, and upside down, and contrary and pessimistic and occasionally evil. And also slutty.
And then i found out that things in her home weren’t all that stable–her husband had threatened to leave. Because she was so driven and perfect and busy accomplishing things that she wasn’t really there for him …she wasn’t very real. That shocked me. But it also made sense. What you focus on grows and everything else withers.
I figure my guy is going to leave me because i like napping more than just about anything else in the world. That i believe underpants are not mandatory for my kid and all bedding should be white–no exceptions. And sometimes I shout at my family and friends because i thought i would be something else, do something else–with my life. I have so many good ideas, but they are all just in my head. Anxiety and depression kinda t-boned me in my early twenties and nothing has ever been the same since.
But i have accomplished a lot. Like you (sorta), I’ve published a story or two, have a frikkin amazing kid, traveled the world, have a fancy job etc. But it’s not quite right or full or done or complete. So I muddle on.
This is life.
And you and I, and the women with the posts above and below–we are legion.
xojen
A really smart woman gave me some advice right before my first baby was born. She told me that she never judged herself day to day, because every day she failed in some part of her life. One day she had completely failed as a mom, because she was at work when her kids needed her. Another day, she was sure she was going to get fired for being a complete failure at work, because she had skipped out on something to be with her kids. But if she looked back over the week and averaged out her successes over time, she felt better about her achievements.
I often find myself hating the happy-shiny people. Especially when the happy-shiny people start trying to “help” me with their happy-shiny advice.
Part of me thinks they don’t get it, can never get it, because they’re not struggling with the same whatever-it-is that makes every daily task seem an impossible exercise in futility (I mean, after I open, sort, and file that mountain of mail, another mountain’s just gonna form again, right? Sure, I’ll feel and smell better after I force myself into the shower, but then I’ll only have to do it again in a day or two, or three….The house will look better and feel more welcoming after I put away all that crap on the kitchen table, but I know more crap that will need to be put away will keep accumulating….How utterly depressing!)
Another part of me tries to believe that the happy-shinies have their own problems and are fending off their own demons with their unflaggable and annoying pep. That only makes me despise them more, for their fundamental dishonesty with the world. (If they were honest, the rest of us wouldn’t be feeling constantly so inadequate and ashamed of our inadequate-ness, maybe.)
Definitely feel that it would help to stop comparing, but that’s a trap I’m constantly falling into.
Intrigued by another commenter’s mention of “adult child of a narcissist” — wonder if having a name for it will help in any way?
As to number of good days? Huh. Good days. Good days….what do those look like again?
I am printing this post out so I can remind myself there’s another human being out there that feels exactly the same way I do. When I feel especially down because the dishes are piled, I have eighteen unfinished projects, and my daughter wore dirty underwear to school I remind myself of Anne Lamott’s book Bird By Bird and something my Mom used to tell me. First, all those tasks hanging over your head will eventually get done. Just bird by bird. Second – as my Mom used to say – in a hundred years who’s to care? Who cares if my sink was full of dishes or if I didn’t manage to write a thing, or if we ate hotdogs on stale buns because I couldn’t face the grocery store today. I try to concentrate on the truly important things – letting the three precious people in my life know how special they are and how much they are loved. If I only accomplish that, then I am a success.
Now sometimes I have to remind myself of this on a minute by minute basis.
I belong to a book club and rarely do we spend time actually discussing the books longer than 15 minutes. The rest of our time is spent venting about all of the above – yours, the comments, everything. Parenting failures (perceived or real), relationship pitfalls, sex/intimacy issues, general-life-kicks-you-in-the-ass-one-more-time-how-much-more-can-i-take stuff. So yeah, I get this. Hard.
Along with you, along with everyone here that’s commented (or wanted to and just read it, feeling it), I feel successful less than I feel I’m letting someone down or wasting what I’ve been given. Probably only feel good about my life and my world about 4-5 days a month – and not even all day on those 4-5 days a month. Maybe only half of each day? I don’t have depression, maybe some mild anxiety, but feel as long as I can vent to my book club (we should really stop with the books and call it Therapy Club), I feel worthy. When I leave the meetings, I feel like I have value and worth. When I get home, I feel it seeping out of my head, through my ears, poof. My husband suffers from anxiety and depression. He refuses to seek treatment, so you can imagine what this is doing to our lives and the rearing of our children. I feel I’m in a fight for my life to keep myself positive and moving and active for the sake of our family. Our daughters deserve more than this, but if I stop and think about things for too long, I’m afraid I’ll allow his issues eat my happiness. (happiness out, black life-sucking could of despair blowing in)
So…no, you are not alone. I feel you on this. I’m thankful you posted this.
Hey, I’m a pastel Pinterest person. No depression, no anxiety, have achieved a lot in my work, have achieved a lot in my personal life, etcetera. I think what you’re describing here is comparing your life to the life that women are praised for (head of the PTA, dresses nice, has a career, has a clean house, plans activities for the kids, eats organice or healthy, has a great husband partner, has a clean shiny car, contributes to the community, has money, etcetera). When you compare yourself to this ideal list of things you should have, should be, should have achieved, I can understand the anxiety of “OMG I HAVE MISSED OUT AND SCREWED UP! I need to be able to have job in an office and be on the PTA and have a clean house and do picnics like I’m expected to do.
However, in reality, NO ONE WANTS THAT FROM YOU.
Objectively, I think you should totally reject that “normal woman/mom” idea as – seriously – inferior to what you do.
The Bloggess Blog has achieved way more than the stereotypical complete life. You’re a sparkling diamond of fucked up personality disorders, impulsive ideas, a kid who spells the BEST and a husband who inadvertently quotes the Princess Bride. Famous people hold twine for you, and if they can’t find twine they panic and grab a spatula.
Objectively, what you do is much more interesting and valuable to you and to your audience than you being able to do office work for 8 hours a day. Being another clone in the hoard of clones that I am a proud part of is really not necessary. There are enough of us clones, we are interchangeable and disposable.
But you are really special. All your ADD, diseased gallbladders, taxidermied animals, living cats worn as hats, depression, red dresses, Christmas cards and inability to follow directions while driving are UBER-valuable.
So, speaking as someone who you sometimes feel like you should be, you should NOT be me, and I place a very high value on what you’re doing instead.
tl;dr – This is you: “I spin straw into gold, do you think I should quit to be the head of the PTA?” The answer is ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS BE YOURSELF SRSLY
You need a private post option.
In my world you’re about average. I’ve long believed we’re all faking it, whether we know it or not. I just think those of us who know we’re faking have a harder time. But, I keep saying to myself the mantra I learned from you – “depression lies” – and it helps, most days.
So, you asked for numbers:
Adequate at work – maybe 5-6 days a month but there are issues in my office that prevent even those days from being good days.
Adequate at home – 2-3 days a month – I don’t fold my clothes, I always have dirty dishes in my sink and I always need to mow my lawn.
Adequate at parenting – Mine are grown so there’s not a lot of parenting left but I’m fairly sure I’ve totally fucked up my kids in so many ways that even at this stage feeling adequate is a 1-2 days a month kind of thing.
And regardless of your imposter syndrome – you help.
I’m so sorry for all this sadness. Everyone has bad days when they think they are not worth the spit in their mouth, but that’s usually my clue that I’m being too self-obsessed. That’s when I make it a point to do something for someone else instead of obsessing about my inner self. Volunteer to do something nice for someone today and think only about them. Give your love away without expecting anything in return. Good luck and good laughs.
You will find that all those people with their wonderful lives are all just shams. Everybody fucks up most of the time, they just smile and pretend they don’t. You are different because you don’t pretend. You can’t pretend, and so it is very hard for you. I know this because I am just the same; I feel a total failure most of the time, even though I have a good job, a lovely wife, a lovely daughter, lots of really lovely friends, and can sing, write songs and play piano and guitar well enough to entertain lots of people. At the end of it I just feel that I’m useless, and I seek solace in alcohol. It blocks things out for a short time, but the shit always comes back, and worse than before. So, if it helps, be assured that you are not alone; most of those people who seem to have great lives are probably lying most of the time, if not all of the time. I know you didn’t want people to tell you that you are beautiful, but you are. You are attractive and clever and funny, and you have a lovely family. I bought your book and I love it. Oh, and how many days a month do I feel good? Yes, I think 3 or 4 is about right. Give yourself a hug, you deserve it.
After years of seeing a shrink and getting on the right medication I have found the key. “The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less” – Socrates. In that one little line, Socrates summed up one of the major problems with our modern society, and offered a simple solution. Pretty brilliant, I’d say. In fact, he negated the need for me to write more, but stubborn as I am, I will proceed. I’d like to talk about this capacity to enjoy less. Is it difficult to enjoy less? No, not really, but it takes a change in mindset, which as with many such changes takes time and adaptation. If you enjoy chocolate ice cream, as I do, when confronted with a tub of it would you also enjoy eating as much of the tub as possible? I know that’s what many of us do when faced with delicious food. But what if you learned to enjoy just a few bites of the ice cream? And with each bite, savor the flavor, the coldness, the creaminess, the chocolatiness. (Yes, that’s a word, spell-checker – I made it up.) If you love clothes, instead of buying more and more each weekend, can you learn to cull your wardrobe into a few quality, beautiful pieces that you can wear often, and enjoy more? The same applies with anything we love … including online reading and communicating (email, Twitter, Facebook, forums). We often seem obsessed with more of it. But instead, consider reading just the quality stuff, and if a blog or Twitter feed doesn’t deliver quality consistently, consider dropping it. Learn to love less television, movies, chatter, spending, shopping, eating out, junk food, technology, consumption, productivity. You get the idea. When you focus on enjoying less, you focus on full enjoyment. You learn to be content with little, and when you do that, a life of happiness is at your disposal. The only limit to your happiness, then, is how much you can learn to enjoy less.
Okay, ready for the cold hard truth? *Everyone* feels the way you’re feeling right now. Really. Those “shiny happy people” you mention above? You just don’t know that they sweep their dirty dishes into the oven before their mother-in-law comes over, or they have an attic full of boxes from college that they aren’t able to sort through, or they feel like an imposter at work sometimes. Everyone. And we all just slog through those moments (or days, or weeks, or months), and hope to do better and feel better.
So just know you’re not alone in this one.
Nearly 3,000 comments? Looks like you are most certainly NOT alone! Which might be cold comfort. I don’t know.
The first time I heard the term “Imposter Syndrome” was last year. My sister in law, a psychologist, said I suffered from that. I can never internalize my accomplishments. I’m a 4.0 student? Only because my teachers like me and I have a line of bullshit a mile long. Not because I study my ass off and most definitely NOT because I might have more than two brain cells to rub together. My kids are happy, strong, independent, loving, empathetic, and smart? It’s not because I am a good mom. In fact it is despite the fact that I SUCK as a mom. My husband still loves me after 23 years of this crazy shit? It’s because he is a saint and sufferers from “broken wing syndrome.” NOT because I am deserving of his love. NOT because I’ve earned it. (I don’t know if broken wing syndrome is a thing. But he has a thing for wanting to help “broken” people. Which is pretty damned impressive for an engineer)
So yeah, I am there with you. The little voice in my head is one evil bitch. I am working hard at shutting her up.
Number of days I don’t feel like a fraud? Maybe 2 days out of a week. When the planets align and it’s a really good month, maybe 3 days out of a week? So, somewhere between 8-12 days out of a month. But I’ve worked damn hard over the past couple of years to get it that high.
Depression and anxiety suck. Add that together with feeling like your life is a lie and that you are a fraud…I don’t know. I need a better term that “REALLY SUCKS.”
So I don’t have a lot of time right now to read all the comments, so I may be saying the complete same thing as somebody before me.
I am one of those PTA moms. Well, not the PTA, but I organize and chair and president all kinds of committees and fundraisers. And not everyday, but many days, I struggle with not feeling good enough.
In talking to my BFF (really, since 3rd grade), we’ve decided that EVERYBODY is fucked up. The people who seem like they totally have it together? They don’t. The girl I envied the most in high school, grades, looks, social life…I found out later she was bulemic.
You may not feel like it, but you are one of the strongest people I know.
I know it’s silly, but I so related to Katniss in the Hunger Games books. She’s just a messed up girl who tries to do the right thing and people think she’s fabulous, but she knows she’s a mess. At least that’s how I read it.
I don’t know how to answer your question. I do know there is no normal. And I love you and you make me laugh and smile and cry. Thank you for sharing.
First of all, be nice to Jenny, she is doing the best she can. And, I know it’s hard to remember but everyone has their crap and no one is living the perfect life that you might imagine. There are unmade beds, unfolded laundry, dirty cars, unwashed dogs, unfinished projects all over the damn place and in every single home in the world. And, even where people don’t have homes I guess. But, just do what you can, when you can, it’s your journey and your pace. You are successful because you acknowledge the challenges you face and you confront them head on, even when you think you are hiding. You love your daughter and are a role model of strength for her as you battle the things that try to keep your funny ass down. Hang in there,, there is a huge tribe out here on your side.
I have also fallen into the trap of thinking that everyone else is happier and more successful than me. I try to remind myself that Facebook is not an accurate portrayal of most people’s lives, and that for every happy shiny baby photo, there are a thousand more moments where that adorable kid is cranky or spitting up or refusing to sleep or befouling yet another diaper. I don’t know the details of people’s finances; that beautiful home or car could be on the verge of foreclosure or repossession. That apparently happy marriage could be riddled with infidelity or abuse or alcoholism or any one of a number of terrible things that we try desperately to hide. This makes it sound like I’m hoping that my friends have terrible secret lives, which isn’t true. Really, I just try to remember that for the vast majority of people what we see is a carefully crafted facade, behind which they hide the same insecurities and flaws. Depression lies, but so do people, mostly without even meaning.
I am not very good at “lifing.” Most of the time, I just get overwhelmed at all the things I should be doing and take a nap instead.
You are not alone – and some of us don’t have the diagnosed disorders to explain WHY we feel like such a freaking moronic failures most of the time. My dad had a poster on his office door that says. ” I have my good days, and my bad weeks.” Now that I’m supposedly an adult, I ‘ve realized how true this is. It would be wonderful to go through one day and NOT have a flashback to what a jerk I was in high school, or middle school or college (and these are crazy, vivid flashbacks that can ruin my day, or only a few hours if I’m lucky.) No matter how much positive feedback I get from auditions as a singer and an actress, it’s always the one bad review that sticks with you and makes you feel like a total failure and fraud (six years at a school in a music program that didn’t really support or encourage me, doesn’t help that one either).One stupid candidate can make me paranoid for the rest of the week that I’m not a nice friendly person and that I suck at my day job. Some days, the only thing that keeps me from walking out the door and straight into the river is knowing that when I get home, I have my puppies to snuggle, and I can eat popcorn and drink vodka if I want to. Because I’m an adult.
I have wanted to comment on previous stuff but always lost the will by the time I read other comments, because I feel as if they said what I wanted to. But I am commenting now before reading other stuff, and so it’s probably been said, but I have words tearing at my head trying to get out as I read your post, so here goes. I feel the same way. I have gone through life feeling like everyone knows something that I don’t. I have always felt less smart, less funny, and generally less good at being a person than everyone else. I have problems with esteem and confidence- so much so that I don’t go to therapy because I know what the therapist will say (“you’re depressed! take pills and think positive!”). This is ironic because I have a degree in Psychology. Don’t worry, I don’t want to be a therapist. That would be a train wreck. I am currently in a relationship I don’t have the courage to leave, because I am broke and can’t handle the guilt associated with moving my toddler son away from his loving dad. But, I read your posts, and some of the comments, and I don’t feel alone, which is something, right? Every day is a struggle to force myself to be happier, and to summon strength to act “normal”, so everyone won’t see that I feel like a fake person. I have not been diagnosed with imposter syndrome, but it sounds a bit familiar. Anyway, I think you and I are more normal than a lot of people, and so everyday is journey to come to that realization and accept it. OK, I’m done now. I hope you feel better today than you did yesterday.
I think a lot of people feel this way, regardless of whether or not they have anxiety or depression. I feel some level of impostor syndrome pretty much every single day, but the truth is that it’s just my way of seeing myself. To other people, I might seem perfectly competent or a complete harpy. Who knows?
One day when I was feeling especially sorry for myself, I called my dad up and told him what I was feeling. I said that I often feel like a complete fuck up because I’m in my mid-thirties and I’m STILL A STUDENT! I’ve never had a real job. Never had (or wanted) to settle down and have a family. I see my friends from college who are married and have careers and financial stability, and I wondered what was wrong with me that I hadn’t done any of those things. And my father told me that I couldn’t be more wrong. He didn’t see it that way at all. To him, I was brave and never feared to go after what I wanted. I moved to Japan after college to teach English for a year because why the hell not? I wanted to live in NYC, so I got into a grad program in the Bronx and in the spring I’m going to have a PhD. That is terrifying because I’m supposedly getting the highest degree possible and I don’t feel like I’m remotely qualified to do anything that I want to do. But that won’t stop me from trying. I could have just gotten a shitty job right out of college and had a perfectly average, boring life, but I couldn’t settle. And where I saw it as a character failure, my dad thinks it’s brave and is so proud of me.
Things always look different from the outside than from within. I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that if you ever look at someone else’s life and think that you’d like to have that, then you have to accept all the crap that would come with it. Because there is always crap. Even the happy-shinies have crap.
Also, I don’t think I’d want to stop feeling impostor syndrome, if I’m being completely honest. It keeps me humble and drives me to keep trying to be a good person. If I actually believed I was as amazing as my loved ones tell me I am, then what sort of a bitch would that make me? No one likes that cocky asshole who’s all, “I’m the greatest thing ever.” Right?
lordy – already so many answers. so please excuse me if i’m already repeating someone else’s advice.
1 – i feel awesome about 3-7 days a month. like were all the stars align, my hormones are level, my insomnia has stepped back and my depression is non-existent.
2 – i am on antidepressants, insomnia meds and have xanax for emergencies. (like today). i also see a therapist once a week.
*sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between being sad or blue or being depressed. that can get pretty blurry real fast. but it’s good for me to identify the difference because then not EVERY DING DANG DAY is depressing. everyone has blue or sad days. that’s “normal”. yeah, for normal.
*it’s not just good enough to recognize that depression lies to me. i have to mentally tell myself, or tell myself out loud, the truth. i can’t make dark go away but i can turn on the light which makes the dark go away. one important lie i had to conquer was that i didn’t want to live anymore. like allie says – i didn’t want to commit suicide, i just wanted to stop living. but that’s the lie. with the help of the counselor i dissected that i just didn’t want to feel whatever i was feeling at that moment. or i didn’t want to go through what i was going through…big difference.
*i sorta have a defcon system. lots of tools to throw at my depression. but at defcon five i pretty much go to bed. this happens about once a month for a whole weekend. it’s the safest place for me and for everyone around me. for me, when i’m in that much pain i get very harsh with people because most just want me to look on the bright side, or count my blessings. again quoting allie – my fish are dead. at defcon 1-4 the positive thinking and brighter side can and often do help. not at 5.
*i have levels of goals. some days it’s getting up, dressed, eating and going to work. hell. for me? that can be a great accomplishment at defcon 5. after that i just add the next important thing next.
*stop listening to the ugly voice. please. i recently went clothes shopping and of course not a lot of cute clothes fit me. i must have caught myself 10 times saying “i hate myself”. ten times in less than two hours. it was almost more work stopping the ugly voice than trying on clothes. but over time i’m gaining. my philosophy is that i wouldn’t walk into the intensive care unit at the hospital and start yelling at patients to feed themselves, get up, stop being lazy asses and get back in the game. i can usually tell when i’m having a pity party or i really am laid up in icu.
*internal mental cheerleader – she looks and sounds like kirsten dusten in ‘bring it on’ . and i make her work it. i rinsed the dishes! she’s jumping up and down and yelling “you’re awesome”
*i could go on. and in reality i’m always looking for new tools to throw at my disease. i’ve added binural beats and a sun lamp – i think it’s helping.
*last bit. no matter how successful people look from the outside i have never seen the same person when i get close. EVERYONE has bad days. even if they are great parents but they are a horrible husband. or a workaholic. no one, no one does everything perfect.
i am fourth generation of females to have mental illness. my aunt, who knew or knows 3 of the females and has to play caretaker to some, says that although she doesn’t understand mental illness she always knew she was loved by these women.
that, is an accomplishment.
I read this blog every week, usually on a Sunday, when I also get my Postsecret fix. I’ve been reading it for years and I don’t think I’ve ever commented until today.
It’s not just you. I’d go a step further and say it’s not even particularly unusual.
I’ve done lots of things with my life and still continue to do so. On a cerebral level I know that my life is amazing. And a lot of the time I enjoy it and appreciate it for how awesome it is. But even through the appreciation, there’s a level of “This isn’t happening”, of “What the hell? I’m not actually in this. I’m not achieving anything.” Often I count my most noteworthy achievement of the day as ‘Conversed with human being’, ‘smiled in the right places in a conversation’. Not ‘Created business proposal’ or ‘ran youth group’ or whatever. Because life doesn’t always feel real, and I rarely feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. Or even just *being* somewhere. I have no idea if I’m making any sense, but I hope I sort of might be.
I’d say about five days a month; once a week or twice on a really good week, I’ll feel like I’m achieving something. But even then I feel like it can’t actually be me, or if it is, it’s a fluke. About once every six weeks I’ll have a sudden flash of “Holy crap, I *actually* did that and someone liked it, and there’s no other explanation.” And I’ll get all excited and rave about it to my best friend (he’s used to this now), and then the next day I’ll wake up and have the same ‘But it’s not real, I’m not doing anything, I’m a stationary vehicle that hasn’t even decided what make it is yet’ feeling.
Sorry, that was pretty much a blog post in itself 😉 but I’m always grateful when you speak out about things on here, and this one resonated.
Hang in there. I’ll hang with you 😉 x
Impostor syndrome sounds like a bitch.
I don’t have any advice, but if it helps you to know that other adults feel like they’re faking it then I can at least tell you that yes. I do. I’m 30 years old and my anxiety and claustrophobia are so bad that I can’t drive. I’m overwhelmed by the two classes I’m taking at community college, and most days I feel like it’s all so futile that I don’t even want to shower or brush my teeth.
That said, I want you to know that I like you because you’re fucked up. Because you’re fucked up and brave enough to talk about it, and ask for help, and because even with all the shit life has handed you, you can still make one hell of a batch of lemonade.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TBpOY-GY8TI/AAAAAAAADFE/eboe6ItMldg/s400/responsibility11.png
I feel like this all the time and I think it is really easy because there are so many things to potentially do. Much of the time when I think about it, I feel like a loser. To counteract it, I do try to give myself credit for what I have done (or the fact that no one else seems to have discovered I’m a loser yet, so maybe that counts for something), but when that’s nothing I feel ashamed that I am in a higher education program wasting society’s time. I try not to dwell on this too much and it helps when I ask people to know that there are others who spend entire days not going out of the house (though I do try to get myself out before I spiral into depression again).
I always read. Very seldomly comment.
This post hit close to home. I’ve always know I suffer from deppression, but I never understood how anxiety was playing a huge role in my life until I read some posts describing what it was…
I feel the way you’re describing all the time. It feels like it never truly goes away, even when someone is saying nice things about me, I tend to believe it’s fake and/or they are just being nice.
The reasons I’m able to make it to work every morning are that:
1. I make the most money and have the job with the benefits at home, if I lose it, we’re fucked.
2. Sometimes there’s a sense of accomplishment when I complete something at work…
3. My husband makes me.
I wish I were lying. I wish it were simpler. At the end of good days? I’m thankful for my husband for making me go, thankful for a handful of people at work that made me feel useful and I end up feeling accomplished. On bad days? I cry, scream, sometimes even hurt myself on the commute home.
But I’m working on it. My best friend and my husband are working on me.
The only thing I can say is, that when it’s good, it’s good. I never know when that’s going to be, so if I don’t give myself a chance, it just won’t work.
Hang in there and keep at it. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I am in no way happy that you’re struggling, but I’m all the better for having found you and seeing that through it all you try to make it work.
It’s ALL of us. Shit, almost nobody is amazing and productive and a rocket surgeon. If you look at FaceSpace, you’d think that everyone you knew is happy, smiling, and having a huge blast at life. But it’s not so; they just selectively capture a photo of themselves doing something that’s finally worth sharing, and they post it. Life is 99% normal mundane stuff, where we aspire to be better, do better, or feel better. That 1% of the time is what we are working for.
Remember that if everything was amazing, nothing would actually *seem* amazing. It’s the daily mundane slog that makes the good stuff feel awesome. You, like the rest of us, just live in your head and overthink All The Things. While you’re in there, remind yourself of all of the good stuff, and try harder to forget the mundane stuff. And live in the moment, so that your head gets a rest.
I feel like this quite a lot actually. I spend quite a bit of time wondering why everything that seems so easy for everyone else seems so hard for me. It’s like I’m watching everyone else through a window, and everything is perfectly fine over there, and everything on this side of the glass is a hot mess.
I do think everyone has things they struggle with, I think it just varies for each person. For some of us it’s a little more apparent.For them, maybe they get all their moving boxes unpacked and are great members of the PTA, but they’re lonely all the time and can’t connect with even their closest family members. I don’t know. I think some of them are just better at hiding it, or it’s naturally less obvious.
As for what to do about it, I’m still trying to figure that all out myself.
A few weeks ago a frustrated co-worker said to me “I don’t think you realize how often you fuck up.”
I can barely type that without wanting to cry. He has no fucking clue how completely aware I am of my fuck-ups and how hard I am on myself. I was diagnosed with depression in college then a few years later with anxiety when I developed an eating disorder. Then three years ago my therapist broached the the possibility that I have ADD.
Every day is a struggle to focus, get on track, stay organized and not fall apart. The people around me don’t understand how much is going on in my head and as a result have zero empathy when I can’t quite get it together. I don’t want special treatment at work or at home but I’m just sick of being judged because I don’t function like my co workers. And you can’t really go around announcing your ADD because people think its over diagnosed, its an excuse or its something only kids deal with. And if it is real, why can’t I just take a pill that will fix me?
Honestly I’m jealous of your 3-4 days. I go to bed every night replaying my fuck ups and dreading the next day when I have to try to clean them up.
I hear ya. I too suffer from anxiety issues, imposter syndrome (and have achieved much less than you have!) and often wonder when all of my friends are going to realize I’m a freak and politely back away from my life. I think I’m possibly the worst mom out there, and yet my daughter is happy and healthy and loves me to pieces. Crazy, eh? Have you tried running? It literally changed my life and now is like medication. Keeps me (relatively) sane. Endorphins are wonderful things.
I made myself some rules after I found myself driving home from work and crying because I couldn’t figure out a way to PROTECT MY FAMILY FROM ASTEROIDS. My brain has absolutely no pity on me, and these are a few of the things that help me keep it in check.
1. Follow the Dalai Lama on twitter.
2. Limit or cut out news media. Those bastards pay their bills by selling maximum emotional impact.
3. Refuse to let undone laundry and un-unpacked boxes mess with your head. My sister told me that once when she was driving down the road flipping through radio channels, she came to one that was saying “Jesus died for your sins!” and her 3 year old yelled from the back seat, “Who cares! Who cares who died!”. This attitude can be applied to pretty much anything.
4. I found out that even the smallest successes can improve my outlook about myself. Cleaned out the cup holder in my car? Successful day. I’ve been trying to make sure I have something I do every day so I feel that forward momentum in life, and it makes the difference between treading water and feeling like I’m swimming towards the U.S. from Cuba.
5. Ridiculous internet videos. Make time for them. Sounds stupid, but they honestly help keep my mind out of darkness. Have you SEEN ketchup bot with 20th century fox on the flute? Pinterest humor section also falls under this category.
There are a few more, but I have to get back to work. If you manage to get through the previous 3000 responses, I hope this one helps!
Late to the party as usual.
I read your post yesterday (when there were a mere 1400+ comments) and wanted to reply, but wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say. Now that it’s near 3000 comments, I’ll be surprised if you actually read this one but I thought I’d leave it anyway.
I kind of get where you’re coming from, but for different reasons. I don’t have the mood disorders that you have to contend with and yet I can totally relate to the “I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.”
I get fatigued and it tends to interrupt my ability to have things like a clean house or a social life. For years all I did was eat, sleep, and work. Anything beyond that was outside of my ability. I watched in awed wonder as people around me actually had energy to go to parties or classes or *anything* after work. I couldn’t figure out how they managed it. I assumed I was lazy. It took awhile for me to realize that there was actually something wrong.
Ironically it has taken a lot of energy (as well as time and money) to try to figure out the cause of the fatigue and fix it. Along the way I’ve encountered a lot of people who wanted to label me as depressed or as a hypochondriac even though I am neither.
The collective consciousness seems to view fatigue and depression as interlocked, as if it is impossible to have one without the other. I find that frustrating because I know that there are many who have both, but plenty who have one or the other instead. I can’t even describe how irritating it is to be told you’re depressed when you’re not – especially when the person making that pronouncement is basing it on the fact that your life situation doesn’t look exactly like their ‘perfect’ life, and therefore you must be depressed. Gah! As if there is only one way of life that results in happiness? I don’t think so.
I don’t really think about it in terms of the number of days I feel successful. I sometimes have ‘lost days’ where I am too fatigued to do anything productive (or even anything unproductive), but I view them as annoying bouts of sick days rather than actual failures. I cannot blame myself for being sick, so I don’t. I’ve also resigned myself to the fact that my house will never be as clean as I want, but I do feel like I’ve accomplished something when I manage to clean a small area. For example: My bathroom will never be completely clean all at the same time. On one occasion I’ll clean the sink, on another occasion the tub, then the toilet, etc. Each small section makes me feel good to finish, and it all gets cleaned eventually.
I suppose this approach takes a duality of viewpoint to be able to simultaneously see that the total end product is better than it would be if you did nothing at all, and also that the small section you’re focused on is actually really good. It seems to me that the small things you continually manage to do are the building blocks to the larger, and truly impressive, good things you’ve managed to accomplish so far. You may not feel like you’re being successful all of the time, but the end result is that you actually are when you look at the bigger picture.
I say F* it. Sometimes getting through the day is all the world is going to get from me.
Maybe this is inane or redundant, but I have to wonder whether all of the circuitry in your brain is firing at the time it should. This sounds so much like a chemical imbalance to me, even though I know it feels deeply personal to you…and of course it is…but I don’t think philosophy or talk therapy will do the trick. I just honest-to-god think you ought to make sure you are seeing the top person for what ails you, and make absolutely sure your meds are right. If you don’t think that you are worth this expense financially, then remember that your daughter needs you to prove to her that life is worth living, and that this can be a happy planet. I’m sorry to lay more on you when you’re down, but as her role model, you should check around for the very top doc within a day’s drive and go however many times it takes to get this adjusted. You can be happy (not every day, but more than what you’ve got), and you don’t need to feel worthless, but all the fans in the world cannot help you if your brain chemistry isn’t working well. It’s like trying to drive a car with one flat tire and thinking you’re a crappy driver.
I say these things to you on a blog, which essentially means that any fool who decides to google my name can come up with this advice. But I would offer the same advice to anyone who feels worthless or unsuccessful most days of their life: see someone good. Advances in brain research make things possible that would not have been there for someone else in years gone by. And for Hailey, you should do the research, if not for yourself, and get an appointment and keep it. Don’t give up till you have found the best doctor and are seeing results.
This post speaks to me on so many different levels. I have had an eating disorder for seven years now and have been seeing a therapist about it for three years. She helped me to realize these unkind voices in my head and while the physical aspect of my eating disorder has improved tremendously, the mental game is still a losing one. It’s not only about my body, but everything in life and it is all about comparison. I find myself comparing myself to others and never feeling good enough and often times not even feeling like I am in the same league as many of my peers and that I never will be. I eventually had to get rid of my facebook because I realized I was miserable and depressed due to my life not being as great as everyone else’s. What I have come to realize is that most of the amazing relationships and families and lives you see also have their fair share of shit and just don’t post about it. No one’s life is as shiny as it seems. I do think there are people out there who feel confident in their abilities and with their decisions they have made, but I think there are a hell of a lot more people who are feeling insecure and like a chicken with their head cut off trying to maneuver this thing we call life. Right now I feel good about 5 days a month.
I am beginning to learn that it is horribly normal. Coincidentally I too am dealing with this exact same thing. I have one kid. One perfect, EASY going, sweet kid, a part-time random job (in something I’m so good at people beg me to work more than I am), enough to eat, a nice car, good husband, and how do I feel? Completely overwhelmed and unsuccessful. But recently (with a little professional assistance) I’m coming to realize that I’ve NEVER felt successful and always felt I “should” be doing more. Whether I was single, married, working, at school, with a young child, with an older child, always the same. But there’s only one thing that’s been consistent – me. And my damned expectations.
It’s those expectations that are the problem. For some reason, I expect that I should be able to do more. To work more hours AND still be the sweet mom and wife I want to be. To keep the house clean AND keep in shape. Trying to do it all just made me tired, sad, overwhelmed and feeling scattered. So now I’m starting to question that voice that says “should”. Who is that person, anyway? Why the hell should I? So what if I “could” work more and we could get out of debt sooner? At what cost? My daughter is only young once and I’m going to spend as much time with her as possible.
It’s like the flip side to the depression voice lying to you. There’s this “overacheiver” voice in there too. And it LIES too. Maybe it’s that counselor we all had lamenting that we aren’t living up to our “potential”? Or that well meaning, but insidiously problematic, praise from our parents that we are SO smart, SO talented, we can do ANYTHING. So now that I don’t do as much as I think I should, maybe I feel a little guilty for squandering something? Some talent or gift?
But all of that is negative self talk. No different than the self talk we know to fight against that tells us we aren’t pretty, or that everything is going to remain gray, drab and sad. We know that’s a lie. Well, I’m here to tell you that overacheiver voice in your head is lying to you too.
YOU can only do as much as YOU can do. No comparison with anyone else is valid. I am going to do as much as I CAN, and no more. I WILL NOT be a run-ragged rat-race super mom that does everything. Because in the end, I know that what I will really have done is nothing. Nothing important at least.
I do not suffer mental illness. I do not suffer depression. I TOTALLY suffer not accomplishing shit and feeling like I’ve gone nowhere in life and WTF I’m 37 and doing what with my life?
Jenny – STOP. There are NO perfect lives, PTA/PTO moms/dads and we ALL have dusty boxes.
Do you love your daughter? Does she respect you and vice versa? Can you say the same about Victor? If you answered yes, then you are FINE.
WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE. Perhaps not all the same degrees, but we are there, have been, or are going to be.
I don’t think you’ll find a single human being who has it all together. And without reading through all the comments, I’m betting mine is one very similiar to many others. We all fail and we all succeed. You can’t have one without the other. How do you define success if there was no failure? You don’t.
For me, I feel like a failure when I don’t pay enough attention to my kids. When my oldest doesn’t get his homework done, I feel like I should have sat down with him and worked with him every step of the way. I succeeded on Wednesday, which also included playing catch up on all the homework he didn’t complete the rest of the week. By Thursday, I failed again. I failed my youngest son as well, and there’s nothing I could have done about it. He left his homework at school, but I still failed to help him complete it. Maybe I should have make the 10 mile drive back to his school to get it? But I didn’t. I played Candy Crush instead. My second biggest failure is when they play video games all day long. I know they’d prefer to do that, but maybe I should have taken them to the zoo instead? Maybe I could have taken them to the park and chased them around? Well, I was sitting on the couch trying not to think.
I have ADD too. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so I can’t say I have that element to add to the mix. But my ADD has it’s ups and downs too. Sometimes, my medication works great. I’m focused and energized. I can get my house clean and the shopping done and the food prepped and cooked and still have time to play with the kids. And sometimes, I can barely get a load of laundry done. My poor husband never knows whether he’ll have clean underwear or not. And that makes me feel like a failure.
I don’t have any mental health issues (I apologize if that’s not the right term) nor am I on any medications and yet I feel exactly the same way you do. All the time. Explain that. And I will.
I think most all of us humans (can’t speak for the 4 legged or feathered OR stuffed OR inanimate…they seem to have their shit together) feel this way to some degree. It’s just a matter of how much you let it be the most important thing you focus on. We all suck. We all screw up royally. We all do the easiest thing as opposed to the ‘right’ thing..etc…etc. And yet people love us and are in our corner. Not because they’re saints but because they know they’re nuts too.
As for what I do to not get bogged down in this crippling circle of fuck-it-all-who-cares-anyway? I try to remember how I feel is how almost everybody feels. I’m not alone. My issues are not solely mine after all. I’m not special or unique and somehow that makes it easier to let it go. A bit. EVERYBODY hates doing things they hate to do but some of them just do it because it needs to be done. Those people (my sister) annoy me too but at least I can learn something from it.
You say comparing is bad (it is!) but I think, in this sense, it may be useful.
P.S. Ignore the happy-shinies. That’s just their way of dealing with life. It’s annoying, I agree, but at least they found a way to cope. We haven’t yet.
But really. They could tone it down a bit. ;0)
I know exactly what you’re talking about.
I have depression and anxiety and PTSD. And I work from home, so I never get feedback from coworkers or my boss on a “job well done” I only hear about times I’ve missed deadlines or am falling behind. This, in addition to the housework I stare at and ignore all day long, makes me feel like I never get anything accomplished and am just a few days away from being fired from life.
What helps me: Lists. Good lists. Don’t put everything that needs done between today and the day you die on a to-do list. Put the daily crap that you need to get done in order to feel good. For example my list has stuff like, “Floss, change the litter box (3 cats), read, write, eat an apple)” on it. Marking things off makes me feel much better. For the big projects, break them down into as many little pieces as you can think of, and put those on your list. I have two running lists, and that’s it. One has all of the projects and must-be-done-before-I-die stuff, the other is a daily list. If you do more than that you might get overwhelmed.
Another thing that helps me are books written by the Dalai Lama, or anything about Buddhism. I’m not Buddhist, but Buddhist principles really help me get past the demons and accept myself for who I am. I used to have a nonstop, angry inner monologue. That voice could make me feel worse than anyone else in the world because it was me and I know exactly how to hurt myself. Buddhism keeps that voice away 90% of the time. When I have a really bad day or not enough sleep, it still gets me.
The last thing that has helped me is getting off the meds. I was on psych medication for over 8 years, and I started to develop nasty, nasty side effects. Plus my illnesses were no longer being treated. Doctors just wanted to keep adding more medications and/or up the dosages, and when I told them that I thought the meds were causing my new symptoms (tremors, hallucinations, headaches, palpitations, exhaustion) they vehemently disagreed to the point of shaming me. So I slowly, slowly tapered off the drugs on my own, and I was miserably sick that entire time. Now I’ve been off of all psych medication for over a year and I have never felt better. All of those side effects are gone. I still have anxiety and depression, and I still have issues with the PTSD, but I’m physically healthier and sleeping better and that has helped me more than those meds ever did.
You are never alone, dear sweet Bloggess.
Love, Kristy
Dear Bloggess,
I agree with nearly everyone who has posted before me, and would simply like to include the following in my words and not theirs to add to the cacophony:
As you have said, I think this question is about perspective. To look at yourself as if you have to be one of the shiny, pretty people is to place a judgement upon yourself that you are not one of them, and should be. This sounds boring (and you are far from boring) and this sounds like a recipe for disaster, as we have thusfar been unable to figure out how to switch ourselves into becoming people we are not (scientists are working on that whole ‘curing cancer’ thing instead anyway). Being yourself (even if you are, in fact, a shiny, pretty person) and knowing who you are is a big part of success. You know who you are. You know you’re the girl who found and rescued James Garfield. You’re the girl who wore bread sack shoes, who introduced Beyonce to your husband (and mail carrier), who once wore a deer sweater, who didn’t know to give your raccoon your delicates to wash, who miscarried – and then didn’t. You’re the one who sat down at a computer and proceeded to make hundreds of thousands of friends by telling us about yourself. Everything beyond those successes is icing on a very tasty cake. So congrats for going to the bank, or for brushing your teeth, or for wearing underwear, or for writing or breathing or anything… because you don’t have to. But because you do, because you write and in doing so you give your readers a friend who doesn’t request one in return, you give your successes right back to us.
To answer your question and be more personal: I feel the worst when I know how hard it’s going to be to reach my goals, and I feel more successful when I read your blog, and doing so makes me feel like I have a friend, and like I know someone I can relate to and hear from. I have small successes every day of the month (today I went to my dead-end job, and tomorrow I might get out of bed), but big ones, ones that matter to me and count among my ‘I know who I am and this is who I want to be’ kind of moments, maybe once every 2 years.
In John Green’s “The Fault in Our Stars”, Augustus Waters tells Hazel Grace, “You are so busy being you that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” He could have been talking to you instead, Jenny. Thank you.
I want to start by saying that I found your blog a few months ago, and I went back to the beginning and read a few posts at a time during my lunch break every day until I got caught up. Then I read your book and laughed so much and read so many passages outloud to my husband that I thought he was going to hide the book when I went to work. I think you are brilliant and funny and compassionate – which are three of the most important traits in my book. I know that you specifically said you didn’t want compliments, but I had to start with that.
I don’t know anybody that feels like they measure up every day – or most days – especially when you compare yourself to Facebook and Pinterest. I don’t have anxiety or depression, so I can’t fully understand what you deal with, but I feel like you are being way too hard on yourself (which is a symptom of your illness, I know). On a daily basis, you make countless people laugh. Very often, you give hope to people with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, etc. You are raising a daughter who is the best speller in her class – and you are teaching her proper grammar!! That really is enough. Anything else you do is really just gravy. Lower your bar – some days getting out of bed is enough. Give yourself permission to be proud of yourself every day. And on those days when you just can’t – – remember the days when you were proud and when you felt ok. Those kinds of days are allowed to cover a wide span, they are especially trained to cover your bad days. Remember that you are so talented and give so many people joy every day!!
Definitely not just you. I’d say I feel successful maybe once every couple of months, if that. Even those rare moments of feeling successful usually lead to uncontrollable anxiety and hopelessness. For example, I felt pretty good about myself when after 11 months of stops & starts I finally got a job here in London. For about a day I felt great… and since then I’ve spent every day at work POSITIVE that I am about to be fired. I tiptoe around every problem, I swallow any complaints, I apologize profusely for any mistake (even the tiny ones, even the ones you’re SUPPOSED to make because YOU’RE NEW DUH). This week I got myself so worked up that I didn’t sleep for two nights.
That’s just one example. There are a million more I could come up with but it’s unlikely you need them. I don’t know if it’s “normal” to feel that way because what is normal? I do think there are a lot of people out there who are faking it tho, that most of those picnic basket-owners you spoke about are basically just hiding it better but walk in the door & fall apart just like the rest of us. I’ve always had this “I just want to have my life TOGETHER like all those perfect people out there” thing too… still do have it in spite of the fact that rationally I know that almost no one ACTUALLY has it together.
Ramblecakes aside, we’re all one big fucked up mess and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve better. We all do.
Is it better or worse that you are SO NOT ALONE in this! I feel better, kind of…but sad that this is the way it is for so many of us. When I am having a good day, or week (or weeks, even! sometimes), I do as much as I can handle, knowing that there will be a day when I just CANNOT. When I’m good, I am so good and can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to get my shit together on my bad days. My husband, thank God, is not like this at all. He’s organized, efficient and gets shit done. We balance each other out. I’d be fucked without him.
3026 people say that you’re not alone in this. Me? I’d give anything for 3-4 days a month, I think my score is more like 12 awesome-me-days per year. Undecided about whether that’s due to te fabulous anxiety/depression combo, or the nature of human existence.
Hate to say it, but you are normal! We live in an overly-perfectionized world that is in no way, shape or form perfect. The only thing we can do is keep trying to live our lives the best way we know how, accept our humanity (and the humanity of others) and smile. This is why the Doctor loves us–because we are imperfect but keep trying!!!
Maybe this will help:
http://boingboing.net/2013/09/06/documentary-about-walter-potte.html
it’s not just you. and all those shiny, pretty people aren’t actually shiny and pretty, they’re just like the rest of us. what people post on fb is the shiny stuff, not the ‘i can’t believe my life sucks this much’ stuff. i’ve suffered from life-long depression (better living through chemistry! yay meds!), too, and i have to remind myself of this all the time.
Isn’t this feeling what masturbation is for?
I have a 15 month old, I also have PTSD related to my son falling off a bed while I was watching him and getting a TBI. There are almost no days where I feel like I am doing anything particularly well. I feel regularly like a pretty awful mother in spite of the fact that my son is happy, healthy and wonderful. I feel like I’m never enough, and am living in constant fear that someday someone is going to realize how bad I am as a parent (my son’s injury did not help these feelings) or at my job and I’ll lose everything.
I’m also in therapy already, twice a week, and getting better. I do think that it’s somewhat typical to feel this way, but I also think that mental illness is a big part of it. I don’t know what the answer is for you, Jenny, about upping meds or if this is normal, just that I share a lot of the same feelings.
Hi Jenny,
I feel like we are Siamese twins, joined at the broken brain. I cried as I read your blog today because I felt every word as if it were my own. You are most definitely not alone. It took a lot of courage to lay those feelings out there (stop shaking your head, it did, too!). Keep plugging along and remember that somewhere out there is your brain-twin, (un)comfortably ensconced in her protective cocoon (what others would call home), feeling the same fucked up ways that you do.
Love you bunches. xo
Just wanted to add that I’ve read all the comments up until now. Obviously, the”normal” people are in the minority, and the term “imposter syndrome” is meant to apply to all people that have the courage to openly admit they believe they are fuck-ups (which is all of us!). That admission in itself, however, relives us of being fuck-ups because we are all in the same dang boat. One enormous motherfucking boat. I’m in my pyjamas right now, laughing my ass off to my dog. Because wine.
Girl, you are not alone (obviously). I truly feel as though I have failed in life, and generally, I am just slogging through the rest of it. I am 37, single (for a really long time), have never been married (or even gotten close), and have such a dysfunctional family I am scared shitless of real love. I have no college education, have worked at the same company for 16 years and don’t feel like I’ve really kicked ass at anything. As you can see, I am scared of change because almost every major change that has happened in my life has been for the worse, so I’m scared to take leaps that could make things better.
I am proud that I have worked my up in my company to make more $$ than some of my college educated friends, but, that doesn’t go far when you are out there in the job market. I am proud that I am lucky enough to have a large family of really great friends that will always take care of me when I am down.
These are the things I remind myself of, and while it doesn’t make me feel like I kicked ass at anything, it does make me hold my head up high enough to make it to another day.
at least once every day i feel like i fail at parenting and working and being a grown up with a house and responsibilities. and i just tell myself that tomorrow is another day to make it right-er than it was today. sometimes i’m successful, most times i am not.
what helped me…several years ago, when my daughter was a toddler and i was looking for daycare for her, i found this wonderful woman who seemingly had it all together, she wrote an inspiring blog and had a successful cupcakery business in addition to having 4 of her own kids and taking care of two others and when we met, her house was immaculate and her kids were quiet and it smelled like heaven in there. HIRED! then, two weeks in, not at all what i thought her or her life to be. she was/is just as messed up as me and everyone else i really know. her house never looked that good again, her kids were always yelling and loud and, well, being kids and she only baked cupcakes for friends’ kids’ parties and never got paid for it and frequently asked to be paid in advance because she needed to buy groceries or pay an overdue bill that week. she’s still a great person and we still keep in touch to this day but i know now how to read between the lines in her blog posts and facebook updates.
the best piece of advice my mom ever gave me: you always have to do what is right for you and your family, you cannot compare yourself to others because no matter how accomplished you really are, you will never see yourself as good enough.
You want the definition of feeling impotent – try being post three thousand and whatever. The only person reading this is the person who sees it right above the box where they are typing in their post. (Hi person writing a post after me!) That said, every time I feel useless or feel like a punching bag (which is every day at work lately) I just think about Lee Thompson Young. If you ever need evidence that depression can totally fuck with your mind, witness a devestatingly handsome, talented, successful young man who took his own life. Most people can’t even begin to understand what it would take for someone like that to literally pull the trigger. But then the picture is always rosier from the outside. It’s not our lives that fail to measure up – it’s our expectations. But for some of us, we can never quite reset that “expectation meter” to something realistic and achievable. So we set ourselves up for failure, know that we will fail, and then beat ourselves up for failure (assuming we even attempt the accomplishment and don’t just give up because we know it’s impossible). But when the simple act of getting out of bed takes everything we have, celebrate that. One thing you did successfully that day. Do what I do – light a candle, make a wish, and blow it out. That never fails to make me feel lighter inside. Stupid, I know, but it works for me. Find that thing. That reward. And use it.
So very much not just you.
I’ve been having a rough year, imposter-syndrome-wise. I would say months in which I feel really on top of my game 3-4 days are the exception, rather than the rule. In August, I think I had two. Those days were fucking great. Otherwise? I feel like a fuckup, or like I am barely getting the minimum done, always.
Also: Thank you SO MUCH for posts like these, for letting those of us who also feel alone know we are not alone. I keep coming back for how damn funny you are, but the posts like these actually change my day and outlook, and I am so very grateful.
There are already so many comments that say the same thing, however there is strength in numbers so I will say it again. DITTO!!!! Depression (check) ADD (check) various other maladies (check). I always say if I could ever be productive for 6 hours a day STRAIGHT for even 5 days a week I would rule the world. I consistently worry ‘is this the day everyone will figure out what I fraud I am’. I love the comments as much as this post. This is the first place I learned that depression is a disease and not laziness and just like diabetes sometimes it needs drugs to control. Maybe that is why there are soooo many ‘Me Toos’. Birds of a feather …..
You are describing me too. Sometimes I wonder if other people end up with dirty clothes piled everywhere. If they don’t brush their teeth sometimes because it is just too much to deal with. If they watch the same tv show over and over again because you know what to expect and it isn’t scary. If you aren’t normal, neither am I. I think that’s ok even though it doesn’t feel like it.
Clearly the amount of posts here indicates that you are, in fact, not alone. Aside from raising my hand to say “me too,” I want you to know that when I go diving face-first into the hole of depression, self-hatred, and panic, I say to myself something that you taught me: depression lies. You have no idea how much that little reminder keeps me away from self-harm and suicidal ideation. Thank you.
It’s not just you (which most of these 3000 something comments probably already say). I feel like a failure a good portion of time, but for the most part, I think I’ve learnt to accept my failure. I am used to not getting much done apart from the bare necessities. And then I blame depression. I know it can be dangerous to use depression as an excuse, but sometimes it’s comforting to be able to tell myself “You know what? It’s not your fault. There’s this thing in your head that makes these things more difficult for you than for most people”. And that it’s OK to admit to the happy, shiny people that I’m not one of them. And if the only thing I did that day is lie in bed and watch ‘Doctor Who’, there’s no shame in that. I celebrate the small wins. You went to the bank? Good for you! I went to class and fought against self-harming. We win.
OK, so I’ll attempt to actually answer your questions too. I haven’t counted how many days I actually go to bed feeling successful. Not many. What makes me feel the worst? When I fail to do something for someone else. When I feel like I’ve let someone down. Or when I make the same mistake for the billionth time and feel like I never learn from it. And when the fact that I feel like a failure is what makes me fail and it’s a vicious circle. I don’t really have things I do to make myself feel more successful. I have an old email I’ve printed and stuck to my wall that is a reminder of something good I did. And I have a best friend who will tell me how important I am to her and it reminds me that my existence is worthwhile if that counts as successful.
Thank you so much for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel the same way. I also have anxiety and depression and meds + CBT help me a lot. But my inner critic is so mean and I’m constantly so hard on myself about absolutely everything. Getting off of Facebook helps. I find myself comparing my life to people’s facades and it makes me feel infinitely worse. My therapist is teaching me what to say to my inner critic when she starts being so mean. Journaling helps too. She has me actually write out conversations between me and the voices in my head. Wow, I sound like a basket case! But it’s helping and that’s the important thing. Thank you for being brave enough to share this part of your life!!
honey, I’m as fucked up as you are. like they say in rehab, one day at a time. I think if we can just MAKE it thru a day we are doing as well as the general population. every day I wonder what the hell I was even born for or why I’m still around. I’m so used to feelin THAT way, I don’t know what feeling happy or successful would be like. I manage to feel worthwhile only when my daughter tells me she couldn’t live without her mommy being here so…..I manage to find some excuse at least 3 times a month to have her tell me that. the only thing I managed to do well was raise my children who by the way are wonderful adults so I must have done something right even though I second guessed myself constantly while raising them. I pray a lot too…that helps. readin your posts makes me like myself just a little lol. I know you’re not lookin for compliments but so many of us can relate so don’t be so hard on yourself.
Hi.
I haven’t posted before, but this struck a chord with me. Hopefully these thoughts are helpful:
Truly successful? Four-ish days a month.
Like I’m making some progress, have put in reasonable effort, and should be proud of myself? Depends on how distracted I get by video games, but closer to 10-15 days a month. However, *pause for emphasis* this is a relatively recent development. First, I had to realize that family/boss/girlfriend/classmates/whoever will push me as hard as they can to get what they want. Then I had to completely reject that stupidity and set reasonable goals. Sure, it’s not reasonable for me to play video games when I have work to do – and I should feel bad when I do that – but it’s also not reasonable to work 80 hours a week and expect to stay healthy. And when a stranger waltzes into my life with a pile of expectations, I politely smile and nod. While thinking this:
http://tinyurl.com/2blyt38
One thing I have noticed: American culture tells us to place unreasonable and, in some cases, downright silly demands on each other. Seriously, who cares if I drive a brand new car and wear new clothes? If someone cares about that, I assume they have nothing of importance to think about and that their life is empty. The clothes that I, a stranger, wear are more important than EVERYTHING ELSE in their lives. What does that say about them?
Another thing I have noticed: our culture does not look at the sum total of a person: where did they come from, what have they experienced, what difficulties do they face, and how can they be helped onto the path to success/happiness? Instead, it gives us bizarre expectations and tells us to sink or swim. I would bet money this simplistic “sink or swim” mentality causes unhappiness. Since it obviously doesn’t work, I remove from my life anyone who holds this view.
One thing I find helpful: yoga. No, not the yoga where molded-plastic suburbanites in tight pants pay $20 to contort themselves into pretzels; the yoga where people understand that yoga is as much about mental and emotional health as it is about physical health. Watching calm people practice yoga in a calm manner – and feeling some of that calmness myself – proved to me that it was, in fact, possible for me to be calm. And happy. After I served in Iraq, yoga helped me find my way out of all the anger, violence, and anxiety I had absorbed (funny how a few bad experiences can make the world look like such a horrible place. It really twists the mind). Why did that work? Because it was a lot easier to believe in/find calmness when I had friends who’d already been there.
So should you feel successful? You’ve written a successful book, run a successful blog, are still married, are putting in the effort to raise your child well, are honest with your readers, and clearly wish to be a good human being. That’s a damn good start on Winning at Life. The facts suggest that you are successful now, and the trend is that you’re becoming progressively more successful as you go along – but the success is now, and your book described a lot of rough experiences in your past. You have a lot of past experience telling you that this “success” thing is weird and not to be trusted, so maybe you’re reacting in a perfectly reasonable manner? Maybe there’s a perfectly natural, years-long delay between being successful, accepting that you’re successful, and actually feeling successful? I’m just speculating, but I wouldn’t be surprised if, some day in the future, you begin to feel successful most of the time.
Whatever the case, I think you’re an awesome person and should keep up the good work.
You said it yourself: Depression Lies. And if you think that feeling bad all the time is OK, then you are believing depressions bullshit. Get thee to the doctor and try new meds. It is possible to feel good most of the time.
honey, I’m as fucked up as you are. like they say in rehab, one day at a time. I think if we can just MAKE it thru a day we are doing as well as the general population. every day I wonder what the hell I was even born for or why I’m still around. I’m so used to feelin THAT way, I don’t know what feeling happy or successful would be like. I manage to feel worthwhile only when my daughter tells me she couldn’t live without her mommy being here so…..I manage to find some excuse at least 3 times a month to have her tell me that. the only thing I managed to do well was raise my children who by the way are wonderful adults so I must have done something right even though I second guessed myself constantly while raising them. I pray a lot too…that helps. readin your posts makes me like myself just a little lol. I know you’re not lookin for compliments but so many of us can relate so don’t be so hard on yourself. that song was fuckin hilarious baaawaaa
I often feel this way. Sometimes my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed and pretending life is great.
In my experience, nobody has a perfect pastel life, they just act like they do. My advice it to perceive what success means differently. I’m a hypocrite for saying it, but it’s what I have to offer.
” I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.” For some of us, accomplishing the basics of existing is head and shoulders above packing a $150 Longaberger basket with wine and cheese and healthy snacks. For some of us, take-out pizza on the couch while watching some trash tv is tantamount to 35 homemade (by Martha’s recipe) chocolate cupcakes with 7-minute frosting and sprinkles for the surprise birthday party for the teacher. This isn’t lip service just to make you feel better (although, I certainly hope you do feel better very soon). Even with all the challenges you live with every day, you wrote a kick-ass book; you decorated an office that any self-respecting (or even one with no self worth at all) wombat would love to be taxidermied, just to live there; Hailey and Victor love you – and more importantly, they GET you. Don’t worry about book #2. We’ll all be here waiting, whenever you are ready.
By the way, this oldish xkcd comic made me think of this post: http://xkcd.com/616/
First time commenter….reader/adorer forever 🙂
I read this yesterday and didn’t respond then because I felt I wasn’t good enough to respond to something so brilliantly written, so heartachingly familiar. I have maybe 6 days a month where I feel “I got this”. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, a house, a full-time job etc. And almost every day I feel like something is suffering or I have dropped the ball on something, like I am unsuccessful at being a person.
Somehow, very recently, I just got tired of the BS. I got tired of comparing myself to other people, tired of worrying that people don’t like me, tired of worrying about if I measure up. I work hard, I love hard, I care hard for everyone around me. If some days it’s not what I wanted but it’s the best I can do than so be it. It is time I started loving myself, being kind to myself, and once in a while actually start listening to those compliments and good things that others say about me.
Love yourself Jenny, hear us…the 3000+ comments that are here on this one. Because to all of us, to each and every person that posted and probably lots more that didn’t post because they can’t or won’t or whatever is stopping them, we see you for who you are and adore you. To me, I think…”man, Jenny can handle so much – depression, arthritis and still be this amazing writer with a huge talent and capacity to find the humor in life. she is truly amazing!”
And you truly are 🙂
It’s a good month for me if I feel like I’ve kicked ass on 4 days. And I’m lucky (I know, because my dad always was depressed and medicated, so I know how much it sucks) not to be overly depressed too often. But I think the not feeling like we accomplish much is part of living. Sometimes surviving and getting through each day IS the accomplishment, bonus points if there was no screaming and kicking (because there is always screaming and kicking). Days we get more than that done are awesome days to be cherished and not lived up to I think. At least, I’d like to say I think that but in the middle of the night I worry that’s not true.
I think the secret is that most of us have no idea what effect we’re having on the people around us. So even those days when we feel like we’ve just survived, there’s a very good chance that we did a lot of good for the world that we will never know about. I know that’s true of my friends, who worry about this too. I know it’s true of you. I hope it’s true for me.
Jenny, don’t know if you’re going to get to the 3000+ comments on today’s blog post, or if you’re even going to read this message, but I had to try somehow.
I’m going to get to the point: you are completely normal. There is nothing wrong with with the way you feel on a daily basis, even though it totally and completely sucks for you. Every day.
Every person on this planet experiences life and existence in a different way, and somewhere along the way somebody decided that we should all be experiencing it the same way. We should be happy, we should be productive, we should be perfect parents, we should be pulled together, we should be focused. “Success” is completely relative, but everybody treats it like you’re either successful or you’re not.
The problem is that you do that, too. You see other people with pretty, pastel lives, and something inside you sees that as “right” and your life as “wrong.” Comparisons will be the death of you, because they are what make you feel like a life failure on a daily basis.
I do the same thing, though not quite to the extent that you do. Every time I make some sort of comparison between somebody else’s life and my own, I feel worse about my life. And feeling worse is what makes me incapable of making changes; I keep doing the things that make me feel like a failure in the first place (for me, this struggle is with food and eating). I don’t know why cycles work like that, it drives me fucking nuts, but the more negatively you feel about something, the less like you are to successfully change it.
Change can’t come from anything negative. I know you want to change the way you handle your life, but first you’re going to have to say to yourself, “So the fuck what?” and believe it. All you did today was go to the bank. So the fuck what. Who says you have to do more than that?
The thing you need to learn isn’t to be more productive or to not be taken hostage by fear; it’s to be totally and completely accepting of the days that you feel the worst. It’s to stop telling yourself that the things you do are wrong or bad.
I wish I could tell you how to do this; it’s different for everybody. For me, it’s to tell myself that shit even when I don’t want to. Even when I totally don’t agree with it. I’ve spent this year – and I think I will spend many years to come – trying to transform not my habits, but my perspective. When I want to feel guilty for something, I try to tell myself that it really doesn’t matter. It’s okay. Can’t change it now.
If you’re reading this at all, you’re probably thinking this is some of the cheesiest advice you’ve ever heard; either that, or you’ve heard it a million times before. It’s just that I really felt like I needed to tell you. You are normal. You may not be like the people around you (which would be why you feel like you aren’t normal), but there ARE other people like you. There are billions of people in the world, how could there not be? And there’s nobody on TV screaming about the losers who couldn’t get out of bed this morning. Because so the fuck what.
Hope you feel better–
Susannah
I don’t think you’re alone in this. Many days I’m proud of getting a dinner pulled together and a few solid hours of real work done. Other times when I can’t even get that done I just have to forgive myself and try harder the next day. I think part of being human is learning how to cope when we disappoint ourselves.
I think the internet is a blessing and a curse – so many people sharing their successes, talents, excitement – it can make you feel as if you’re not doing enough. The truth of the matter is that no matter what they get done they have their moments when they feel they’ve failed at something too, it’s just that that isn’t shown with as much frequency.
Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself. There is the phrase do unto others as you would have done unto you…but I also think you have to turn that around – treat yourself the way you treat others…sometimes I find myself treating others more kindly than I treat myself but I think there’s room for more kindness to be applied all around!
i turn off and shut down just to stop comparing myself to anyone else. it would be nice if we would just ‘be’ and not have something or someone to try to be ‘like’.
to your point, i can’t imagine there’s anyone who thinks they are living their fullest life every day. or every other day. i have days when getting out of my jammies is not going to happen and i don’t care, and days when i’m not getting out of my jammies and i feel like crap for not doing so.
a difference here is that i think everyone has those days and maybe you feel like you’re the only one having those days. add depression et all into the mix, and that’s one hellavu cocktail.
tl:dr- you’re not the only one.
I don’t know if you’re even still reading this far, but I think I had a similar conversation with my therapist after she asked me to rank my moods day to day. I noticed a lot of 5’s and 6’s, and I tried to ask if that was normal. She totally didn’t get what I was asking (part of why I left her) and thought I was trying to compare myself to other people. What I meant was “is this it? Are the majority of my days just supposed to be meh? Is happiness an illusion that happens on a bell curve and therefore only shows up a few days a month at best?”
Statistically I know that if happiness IS a bell curve normal distribution, I will be really sad a few days a month, meh most of the time, and really happy a few days a month. So if that’s the case, maybe you’re only supposed to feel like you have your shit together a few days a month, feel like you’re managing to tread water most of the time, and feel like the world is ending a few days a month.
I don’t know if it’s more depressing to think “everyone is like this” or “I’m so sad compared to all the happy people who regularly rate their days 7-8-9-10 all the time”.
Hello!
There are so many comments I do not even know if you’ll ever read this.
There is on very moving blogger in another language, so I cannot refer you to her. But she once wrote very sincerely how she had once planned to die. She had organized everything and made piece with the fact that she would leave a child behind. Then something beautiful happened and she did not go ahead with the plan to die. And she wrote what although the beautiful thing ended there is exhilarating freedom that she feels in her life now. She says that it is ok to spend most of the day resting in bed, because she still beats the dead lady she was supposed to be. And it is ok if the only accomplishment is going to the bank, because it is better than the dead lady. And it is ok if she only helped the child with homework once a week, because it is way more than the dead lady she was supposed to be.
Maybe this is not helpful to you or sounds too morbid or maybe I could not recap the idea very well. But it was a beautiful post and made me see my frustrations and failures all from another perspective. We are all doing our best. And that is all that is needed for a whole lot of people around us.
I’ll say just one thing: STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT. You’re not a PTA mom? SO???? Neither was I, and when I admitted that out loud it felt so good!! And I really don’t think anyone cared but me.
You are not alone. I too feel this way and I’ve decided that I need to remind myself to take it easy on me. No one can beat you up like yourself – you know all your buttons, failure messages, and sore spots to lean on better than anyone else. On really hard days, it’s hard for me to even attempt to look at things from this perspective. I think that part of the problem for me at least is that we live in a consumer and “celebrity” culture where everything good looks just a little out of reach and oh so perfect and shiny and that you alone are the only one who who can’t quite nail it, just doesn’t “get” it. We Americans have this unrealistic goal of being perfectly happy when that’s not a natural state – it’s not human. So when we don’t meet that standard we beat ourselves up – look how happy they are, why don’t I feel like that, what’s wrong with me? Striving for happy as a constant is a losing battle – I try to remind myself to focus on being human. Not good, not bad, but human. Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, everyone makes mistakes, hurts others, says the wrong thing – that’s not wrong it’s HUMAN. I just have to remind myself to apologize, learn from it, forgive and move on. Anyone who can’t see or accept my humanity is far worse off than I am. I’ve been pleasantly surprised when I recently have met some bloggers I follow in real life and found that they are fallible and experience things like the rest of us, they just don’t necessarily share that online. Not because they are intentionally deceptive, but because in that forum, we want to present the best side of ourselves- sort of like a first date– no one wants to reveal their weaknesses before the other person have gotten to see the good stuff. Plus, writing allows us to self-edit in ways that real life speech doesn’t. Speech is more real – you can’t mull it over and over and revise it once it’s out it’s out. I think the healthiest people are those who can be vulnerable – not hanging out all your dirty laundry but honestly admitting who we are to ourselves. Vulnerability is courageous – to get something good you have to be willing to take the greatest risks and for someone with depression sometimes what feels like it shouldn’t even be called a risk can feel like the deepest chasm. It takes great vulnerability to admit that to ourselves. Vulnerability is a gift to the other person, it means you see their humanity – that you trust that they really SEE you. One of the reasons I love your blog (besides the fact that I love your sense of humor) is that you are so real. You give an honest voice to the daily insecurities, doubts, missteps that we all make and show us it’s real and human. For me, I’ve tried very hard to let go of striving for happy or what I “should” be doing and tried some weeks when I’m really struggling to just keep my head above water. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. I may wish it weren’t but it is what it is. I can only hope that it’s not a permanent state and that if I can get through today, I can get through tomorrow. If I try to do my best with what is possible today for me, that’s all I can do. You do the best you can with what you have – some days that makes you super Daughter / Sister / Friend / Coworker and some days that makes you human. We all trip, we all fail, we all have moments of selfish self-absorption. Sometimes that’s what it takes to make it to the next day.
I also rarely feel like I was a rockstar.
It is with much sadness that I can say I’ve been where you are. There have been days when just getting out of bed for a potty break is a huge accomplishment. I spent many years in that state. Through the help of a wonderful therapist, great friends, and better living through chemistry, I am happy to say that I’m better and days are no longer a struggle. I would consider myself to be rather productive most days, but it was a looooooooong road to get here, and it was filled with potholes, road closed signs, and other metaphor-type things that I can’t think of now.
I’d like to pass on the advice that I got from my therapist when I was going through this. These tidbits truly helped me keep going, whether it was the largest leap forward or the tiniest baby step.
1. Give yourself permission to be “nonproductive”. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the world doesn’t end if the house doesn’t get dusted or a chapter gets written.
2. Stop measuring yourself with someone else’s yard stick. Sure those people on Pinterest look like they have their shit together and can redecorate a living room with a tube of puffy paint and a tampon. But what you don’t know is what happens in their house. Maybe they’re struggling to pay bills, or they can’t find a job, or they’re in a severely abusive relationship. Everyone’s life looks shiny from the outside. That’s why we say the grass is always greener, because we don’t know how much dog shit was in the yard to make that grass so green.
3. Give yourself small, daily goals to reach, and celebrate reaching them. Goals like “Today I’m going to take a shower.” If you achieve the goal of the day, give yourself a little treat. If you don’t, tell yourself, “Well, there’s always tomorrow,” and let it go. Tomorrow is another day.
4. When you start achieving the little goals repeatedly, make them slightly larger like “Today I’m going to take a shower before 3pm.” Keep the same celebrations for achievement.
5. Breathe.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. You’re wonderful, and you bring so much happiness into the lives of others. That is something truly amazing, and definitely not something someone who was a fraud could ever do. It is solely because of you that I now have to stop and take a picture of every metal chicken I see around the US, and really, I think that’s the highest praise a gal can get. Much love to you.
Another blog I follow has a saying that’s been going around for a few years, and it’s something I try to keep reminding myself whenever I’m comparing myself to other people. “Don’t judge your insides against other peoples outsides”. What you see online, or at the PTA, or in people’s Christmas letters, or any where, is not everything that’s going on in their lives. Everyone is fighting their own battles, we just can’t see them all on the outsides.
The Dalai Lama said that we are put on earth to help others, and if we can’t help others at least don’t do them harm. Some days it is all I can do not to harm others. Being an adult is hard. Being a good person is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Raising a child is hard. Writing something that touches others is hard. On my good days, I can do all that at some level. On my bad days, getting out of bed is a laudable achievement. On any given day, do your best to show up for life and count that as progress.
Sometimes we lose ourselves in the “me” we feel we’re supposed to be — mother, wife, good worker, bloggess. These are all definitions of ourselves that we chose, but are also a little thrust upon us. This is when you need to step back and kind of reconnect with who you are. And sometimes that means rediscovering who you are. Believe me, it’s easy to blur the line between who I am and who I feel like I should be at any given moment, depending on who I’m around.
So just take a step back every once in awhile and go back to what actively makes you happy — taking a walk, skipping a rock, reading a book, or just meditating. You give a lot to many people every day. Maybe it’s time to refill your cup.
Hi Jenny,
This is my first time commenting on your blog. I have been a big fan for a while and I have always been too intimidated to write anything because although I too am funny in a quirky way, I never thought I was on YOUR LEVEL of funny. When I read your book I peed my pants (yes I am admitting to it). But when I just read this, it made me see that you are just like me. (Just funnier).
I have learned alot through my own depression and axiety and that of my boyfriend
You don’t have to accomplish major things every day. Even if you accomplish being able to stay in bed all day, that’s an accomplishment that many people cant do! Look at it the other way around! Try to accomplish making something different for breakfast every day for a week, something small then try to graduate to one big thing per week, then every few days then two big things every week etc. You don’t have to look at things like “writing a second book” as something that you need to accomplish immediately. Write a paragraph per day. Or carry a notebook or recorder around with you and comment on funny things that pop into your head over the course of a day, a week, a month etc…. eventually you’ll have a new book! Or at least material to work from!
You have accomplished many things in your life from what I know of you. You are beautiful, smart and funny. You have a wonderful daughter and a great husband, from whom comes great comedic excerpts. Your upbringing was unique and gave you the voice you have today. And most conveniently, you literally have an Outbox for all of your thoughts! You have THOUSANDS of friends at your fingertips! You’re never alone (dont become too paranoid about fans creeping around your house at night. It was only that one time, I promise. And I didn’t mean to knock over your plant. (Just kidding dont file a restraining order)) Oh and your cats are always there for you too! So in the worse case scenario, if life with humans doesn’t work out, you can consider moving to Cat Island! (It’s a real place. Look it up).
Oh and those other people who look so “shiny” and “put together”on the outside…. the ones that show up to PTA Meetings and look all “perfect”….. they’re the ones who are at home reading your blog and your book at night because they wish they could be like you! And everyone has problems. The ones that hide it the best are usually the most f*cked. BTW – facebook and pinterest are DESIGNED for people to show only the good parts of their lives! They lie!!!!
Wow, this is long-winded, but in short (too late), Accomplishments are in the eye of the beholder. Make your own definition like you have done in so many other areas of your life. Focus on what you have rather than what you dont. Look at things backwards (sometimes) instead of forwards – direction is subjective anyway. Remember you are not alone! Oh and smile. Smiling creates endorphins which lie to your brain.
~jordan
(female – just wanted to clear that up for some reason)
PS. animals make us happier – even taxidermied ones.
PPS. I totally think arsonistic should be added to the dictionary instead of making sentences like “I totally just took a selfie with my girl crush. Twerk it!” legitimate…..
PPPS. If I died within the next few hours, I would be totally ashamed of that last sentence as the last thing I posted in public…..
It’s not just you.
I do not, as far as I know, suffer from depression or anything of that nature and I feel like this every day. I don’t know that I can say I feel like I kick ass ever. Something is always left undone. Last week I was celebrating in my head that I packed my kids lunch for school all week and they brushed their teeth twice a day and I didn’t have to pull soccer socks out of a laundry basket and put them on them, yet my kid slept in a bed that smelled of urine because he didn’t tell me and I didn’t notice. Then this week I have yet to make a real dinner, my house is a disaster and I have a 7th birthday party to host tomorrow that I am not remotely ready for. I heard once that the nicest thing you can do for another mom is let her see your house dirty. I truly believe this. Why can’t all the moms out there embrace each other and help each other out and understand that each mom has different strengths. Instead people put up these fake lives on facebook, twitter, pinterest etc and judge other people.
I didn’t think I had depression anxiety until I started reading your blog. I constantly feel that I’m underachieving compared to everyone else — I can’t remember the last time I felt that I had a great day. I should be earning more, spending more time with my kids, doing better with my career… pretty much everything. I hate New Year’s Eve because it reminds me of all the things I did not accomplish and will probably never accomplish.
You’re not alone and thanks to you, I know I’m not either.
Considering there are over 3500 comments here, I’m gonna assume it’s not just you and me. This made me cry because I’m not alone. I feel this way. all. the. time. 3 or 4 days a month? That might be pushing it. Maybe parts of days, but whole days? I don’t know. I pretty much always feel like an imposter. I once had a therapist challenge me to prove to her why I was being a bad friend. I tried and tried and tried but I couldn’t prove it, and yet, I knew I was one. Logic just doesn’t apply.
Oh Jenny….everyone who has written is right. The problem (with me, anyway) is that somehow I discount the “good” words and take the “bad” words into a place where they fester and grow unreasonably. I’m 67 years old. I’ve been suffering from depression since I was a little girl. Lots of reasons, but I am a great example of “better living through chemistry.” Rule #1: NEVER screw with your meds. The thing is…we all discount input that doesn’t fit the pattern we believe to be true. I’ve been successful (as you have) in the eyes of the world and very few people know the self-imposed agony I live through to get there. I lay in bed at night wondering what I might have become had I not been depressed for so long. Then, and this is one of the primary joys of being 67, I start thinking about what I might want to give up to get that ideal life. Yes, I spend days not leaving my abode. I have narrowed my personal contacts down to those who understand and who don’t add to it. I help to care for 40 small apes because they do not judge. (Well, maybe a little poop here and there, but no judging). And still, here I sit….and no longer willing to trade any part of my life for what I imagine it might have been. Peace arrives. It can be quite a wait, but it arrives. Keep breathing!
Thanks for your honesty, in every post. It’s gracious, thoughtful and you always seem to be writing to me. I was going to put some sort of line about how I am just another crazy stalker or something but my therapist is on this thing where she really wants to me stop being so self-deprecating but it’s hard. really, really stupid hard because I don’t really like me. People around me tell me I am funny, I am smart, I am kind but I don’t believe these things. I mostly just see the horrible path of destruction I leave in my wake. I struggle not to berate myself at night as I am trying to fall asleep. I long to push the snooze button on the horrible diatribe that plays in my mind, over and over. Depression is a liar but the real trick isn’t recognizing it, it’s believing it. Good luck.
We call it “looks good in a suit”…. And yes I feel like I’m faking it.
My irony is I called in sick with a migraine, which faded out to a flareup of depression so I haven’t done much besides start one load of laundry and watch old Angel episodes. So die vampire die made me ….well not exactly smile…but at least curl up the side of my mouth a little. Thank you for that, and for creating this page where so many of us can be reminded we are not alone.
Maybe it’s time for me to go read some flylady and habithacker and try to get reinvigorated….but first I’d better rescue the wet laundry before it rots.
If the 3000+ comments haven’t made it clear already, it’s not just you. I spend most of my time disparing of the fact that i can’t manage two days in a row where i feel like i’ve achieved the basics of living like a grown up. The laundry piles up, the house is a mess, i never exercise… And everyone else seems like they have their shit together. The secret is, they really don’t. Even those shiny happy PTA people go home and think “god, why can’t i even manage x”. I used to beat myself up about how i never had time to do my hair or makeup for work. Then one day a colleague commented on how “well turned out” i always look in my suit and i realised the view from the outside is very different from the view from the inside. I felt like a mess but someone else was looking at me thinking i had my shit together. Now, i don’t try to do my hair or makeup. No one can do it all, and no-one should have to feel like a failure because of that
And PS – discovering your writing was a big step in my journey to feeling less of a failure, so you can count that on your achievements list every day. Today i wore no make-up and not a single shit was given – 10 points to Jenny 🙂
I feel you. I’ve felt like this my whole life. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Reading up on it, it seems anxiety and low self-esteem go hand-in-hand with this disorder. Being new to being diagnosed, I don’t have a lot of advice about how to cope with it in the context of knowing you have it, but how I’ve gotten through life to this point is doing the best I can when I can, laughing at myself, and surrounding myself with people I like and who are saintly enough to tolerate me. This last part is particularly important…I find that often I will do things not for myself, but so I don’t disappoint people around me. It is also the hardest, because after 30 years of never knowing when I’m going to say something totally inappropriate and blow it, or forget something important (like not to make sex jokes about someone’s mom because she’s in the hospital), etc., social situations can be scary as hell. What helps me through the fear is knowing that my errors and shortcomings are not the catastrophic, world-ending failures I feel them to be. I remember that my best friend and my dog will still love me (my partner probably will, too; still, even after seven years I’m not wholly convinced he won’t wake up one day with the good sense to run from me, screaming). I assure myself that, since they are the best BF, dog, and partner in the world, for all my failings, I’ve done something right. Lastly, I recall the immortal words of the Lady Chablis: “two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it” and I keep going.
I feel successful about 3-4 days a month. I, too, have imposter syndrome…a lot. I want to do things that are amazing, but then I freak myself out to the point that they don’t get done and/or I miss the window/deadline/opportunity. My successes are doing things with my girls that make them smile or when they hug with their whole selves. Probably one reason I like your blog so much. It’s like reading what I’ve been thinking. And I’m not on any drugs or in therapy…maybe I should be.
You want honesty? Here’s flat out honesty… I don’t have a mental illness of any kind, and I’m in tears because the feelings you describe match how I feel entirely. I remember a time when I felt moderately good about my accomplishments and all that, but for years I’ve felt exactly as you describe. Don’t get me wrong — no matter the sound of this reaction, I’m a generally positive, upbeat person. It’s just my nature to smile at the small stuff and try to enjoy the moment, not drown in it. However, I feel as you do — that others really seem to have it far more together than I, that I’m failing in so many seemingly “easy” things (your comment about homework in particular hit home!). I wonder all the time how people I know are so productive and seem to have all this time to do all sorts of good family stuff, when I struggle to find time to both make dinner and bathe my kids at night! 🙂
Hopefully it helps to hear from so many of us that you’re not alone. Or maybe it’s even more depressing how many of us are going through this. Huh. Didn’t think of it that way until now. Well, shit…
Jenny – I think overwhelmingly you must realize by all these posts that you are not alone, that the majority of humanity doesn’t live up to our expectations of ourselves, and that’s ok, because in the end those that love you know how much effort just getting through the day can cost, and the opinion of those that don’t just simply doesn’t matter. And Jenny, I wanted you to know every time you let us know that you simply succeed at breathing, you make each of us feel better inside, because that means we aren’t alone either.
A funny thought from my geek-days as a rpg-er in high school that I like to tell myself – when you create your superhero character, you are only given so many points to spend on abilities. The only way to have an extra special power was to balance it out with equality powerful weaknesses. Each of us are superheros. The more powerful the weakness we struggle through, that means the more powerful our special powers are.
I found this on FB today – http://bitchinsisters.wordpress.com/2013/08/29/back-to-school-pinterest-bitches/
Its exactly how I feel most of time –
I think part of the problem is that you feel like “normal” people go through life with poise and purpose. I do not, luckily (it is a case of luck and nothing else. No skills were involved in the creation of this personality), suffer from anxiety or depression. But to say that I or most people like me come home and bask in the glory of our accomplishments would be a big, fat lie. There are a succession of days when I feel like all I do is sleep, eat and work. I get home and look at the pile of washing and sigh. And then I *don’t* iron or fold it. The nice thing about not suffering from anxiety is that I can do that and not feel like a failure. But I don’t feel like a success either. I just get from one day to the next, and the next, and the next, until I hit a Friday and can have some booze without having to worry about getting up early the next morning.
Someone up there had a good piece of advice (it’s the best advice I’ve ever gotten from a film too. There is nothing wrong with taking instructions from Ever After): “Breathe.” Really, relax. Your life is not as different from other people’s as you think (apart from the massive fanbase you have, and the 6ft chicken). Those successful, beautiful, composed people we see on Pinterest and Facebook do not actually exist. They post those very photoshopped and posed pictures while wearing pjs, just like the rest of us. We are all just getting through the day with little or no idea where this is going or why. The difference when you do not suffer from anxiety is simply: we don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t have to either.
But if you can’t, or not just yet, that’s fine too. No one is judging you as hard as you are.
I have Imposter Syndrome really bad as well. I teach French and I seriously feel like I’m just faking everyone out most of the time and I have no idea what I’m doing. I know exactly how you feel.
The hard part for me is that I feel like I can’t be a good mom and be a good teacher at the same time. Something always has to slip. I probably feel like I really rocked at life maybe 3 days a month and that’s pushing it. Most of the time I try to find something positive about the day. Ok, I didn’t get everything done, but I accomplished this. Most of the time though, it’s something stupid like, “Hey, at least I survived the day.” Sometimes survival is all we can do.
For me, I’m coming out of a really bad depression. It’s slowly but surely getting better but I know I could slip at any moment and be back at the bottom again. I think it’s that fear that is keeping me trying to be positive so that I can continue my climb out.
*BIG HUGS* to you because I wish I could make you feel better about things. I wish I knew what to do to help, but if I knew I probably would do those things for me and then I’d feel better.
I like the point someone made above about those seemingly perfect lives presented via Pinterest or Facebook being just “snapshots of their reality”–we have to remember that this land of social media is just a brand new way to feel stress, or aggravate stress you already have. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey, blah blah blah–we have to constantly evolve to better cope 🙂 (otherwise unfair comparisons with other people will ultimately be the death of all us, right?!)
I imagine you’re going to get replies from predominantly folks who share many of your sensibilities, but remember how big the weird world is–for the 2 billion of us online all the time, there are 5 billion who are doing something completely different. Think about that for perspective when you are feeling down, and get happy that you have the blessings you do. Be selfish. Love who you are and what’s going on! I’ve been a type 1 diabetic for over 20 years and learning to accept that I am allowed to be selfish in order to succeed and take care of myself is a huge release. It doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about other people or being cruel, but I am less inclined to be all “poor me” in comparison because I simply know that I need a slightly different focus to keep myself balanced throughout any given day. Where that used to make me feel unworthy or envious, now I’m a champion of science! (i.e. Yay to my fellow man who created a synthetic insulin that allows me to live where 100 years ago I would be dead! Yay humans!) Appreciating your life takes constant work–the same work involved in self-discovery, I guess. There are always larger pictures to help absorb small negatives, and vice versa depending on your needs at the moment. It takes constant reaffirmation, but it’s a good mantra.
Don’t worry about defining and identifying whether or not you feel accomplished–all that analysis sometimes takes away the organic good time that you’re supposed to be having 🙂 (and ironically, that other people are totally envious of, haha!) Don’t get downtrodden by literal specifics (I can’t write a second book). Think big, open air thoughts (I WROTE A FUCKING GREAT BOOK! WAHOO!) and most especially, don’t listen to the haters. (don’t let people blow smoke up your ass all day either for sure…)
but that being said, you are a kickass lady. xoxo
I think productivity is overrated. Some days you have to grab that little victory, like going to the bank. Sometimes, there are simple tasks that take me weeks to do. Sometimes there are things that never get done, so I give up hoping they will. But, I’m learning to stop stressing about the quantities and start focusing on the quality. Spending time with your daughter is way more worthwhile than having clean hair!
I also think comparison is overrated. Measuring how you stack up against others is total crap. So, what if they look put together at the PTA meeting? What you might not see is the substance abuse that’s lurking, or the anger management issues, or a host of other problems covered over by the “put together” exterior.
If you’re the best “you” you can be (and it’s definitely OK that you’re not sometimes…), that’s all you can reasonably ask for. Everybody is a work in progress. That you are working toward being better, however you quantify better, makes you real.
How many days a month do a feel like a failure and how many do I feel like a success? It’s hard to remember days when I’ve felt like a success.
The ONLY times I truly do (no matter how much or how little I get done — because THERE IS ALWAYS MORE)… is when I force myself to sit down and (usually write) everything that I accomplished. And that doesn’t always have to mean I did something. It could mean I DIDN’T try to kill myself or I DIDN’T have a psycho-mommy meltdown on my 4 yr old over the 13th episode of spilled spaghetti noodles on my impossible to vacuum rug.
It could mean that maybe, I got dressed and went to the bank. Maybe I called in and paid ONE bill.
Maybe I didn’t make the dog go for 8 hrs without me taking her out to pee.
OR maybe I did… *hides*
A LOT of days.. I lay in bed… either after sleeping in far too long and calling in to work… or at the end of a rough day when perhaps I’ve pawned the kids off on my mom in desperation and am staring at my empty house feeling like a total non-person.. like a shell of nothing… A lot of those days (which are the majority of my days) I feel like I don’t know how to do life.
I don’t know how to be an adult. Or a mom.
I don’t even know how to get the hell out of bed.
But there are the other days that prove — I can do it. I’m just sick, and doing the best I can on the better days. And I’ve noticed, the more I give myself credit for my accomplishments (which may not be accomplishments for someone else, but they are for ME)… the more energy I find to be human-ish.
Here’s hoping I make it to the bank today. 😉
I rarely feel like I kicked ass — and spend most of my work days expecting that someone’s going to figure out that they shouldn’t have hired me and fix their mistake. I’m nice to people — not out of any sort of real kindness or goodness, but because I’m convinced that as soon as I’m the least little bit of trouble they’re going to stop being my friend, my wife, whatever.
So, yeah, one more in the depressed/anxiety/imposter syndrom lists.
It helps me to understand that most of the really interesting people around have the same sorts of feelings — the people who don’t, who are happy and belong right where they are and are doing a great job at what they’re doing — they also tend to be boring, bland, saltine crackers with legs. Give me a tortured, ironic soul with a sense of humor any day of the week. And they pay that tortured, ironic soul to be my friend, because there’s no way they’d want to be MY friend on their own….
may I just say that I love you especially for sentences like:
If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches.
I always say stuff like that and get weird looks by everybody and they would say: God didn’t invent couches … Really? You wouldn’t say!
I feel like you very often and wonder if I’m strange but honestly I don’t think so and neither are you – and all the shiny people out there aren’t real and if you could look behind the curtains you could see!
So, no – you’re not alone!
What you’re feeling is normal. People just don’t talk about it much. I am in grad school full time, teaching, living on my own after a rough divorce over the last year, and I also don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much, most days. Having small daily goals helps me, and weekly, and monthly. And easing up on myself, too. Remembering people love me. *hug* Love you, lady. You’re far from alone in this.
I just read Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout. It’s an interesting story about a mother and daughter, but the main thing I came away with is that no one has a perfect life. No one. People that you see who seem like they have it all together also have problems. Everyone. It is normal. For some reason, our ancestors evolved to have this ingrained thinking that “others are better, I suck”. Probably to strive to do more, out-compete, and survive. We just have to deal with these leftover feelings from our DNA.
I started reading this blog because I thought you were funny, but I’ve kept reading it for years because you’re human. Anyone can write humorous anecdotes about their life, but not everyone can so beautifully make their readers feel less alone; to help take the sting out of being a sensitive and weird human being in a world that doesn’t always feel so welcoming.
How does it make me feel when I read that you also struggle with parenting, creativity, motivation, and mental illness? It makes me feel fucking awesome because then I know I’m not an isolated incident.
Don’t change. Even in your darkest times you can still be a beacon of light for those of us who are floating out at sea.
I dont listen to die vampire die enough.
I think it’s pretty normal for folks like us (we?) to feel that way- I do all the time.
I think I tie my self worth to whether or not I am working.
But it is a challenge to be a human *being.* Like you, I think I average about 3 or 4 days a month. And if I am sick, then it’s hard to feel like I am successful at all.
In other words, we gotta keep killing those vampires and tell the stories we have to tell (fuck you ms. johnson!*)
*lyric in the song.
We have a lot in common. I have RA, depression and anxiety. I lie about the depression and anxiety to minimize it, and I don’t think at this point my husband even believes it’s real. I work full time and manage to function most days at a fairly normal level, but on the days I don’t, it’s because I’m “lazy” or “not motivated”. No, it’s either crippling pain or anxiety that keeps me from functioning most days. I had a good day yesterday, mostly because I didn’t have a choice, it was my sons birthday. So, I had a party for him, but I spent most of the morning crying because I didn’t know how I was possibly going to manage. Today, I’m having horrific pain, swelling and fatigue, probably from a stress induced flare of the RA, and I’m panicking because tomorrow I have a family party to throw for my son. I would say I probably have 4-5 truly good days a month, where I don’t feel like a complete failure. We’re doing the best we can. I have to believe that in order to get up again tomorrow and try again. Be kind to yourself.
I turned 60 in July and there were people laying bets I would never see 50 other than 60 so fuck you all. 60 came hard, it was that actually realization that there was much more life behind me than ahead of me and I had really not accomplished much. I roamed around most of my life, in and out of relationships and the days just slipped by like, minutes. My mother always told me that, one day you are 20 and the next day you are near the end. I always thought she was very depressive and a bit morose and than on my 60th birthday I got it. I am going to leave no one bit of legacy, when I am gone I am gone. No family, no art to leave behind, I have a book that I have about two chapters to go on and I will die with those two chapters to go on, because I have three other books in the exact same condition. I have had a job my whole life and I give it my best. I am considered funny, charming and eccentric. I don’t have any friends. People reach out and I turn away. Everything seems so empty there are more days I wish it would just end than there are days I want it to continue. I get up in the morning and think, do you really want to do this all over again? And most of the time I do and then there are times I say fuck it and don’t move out of the house for four days. Am I normal? I look around me and see thousands of blank faces everyday , people who look like they just want it to end right this moment and they plod on pushing the stroller, looking at vegetables at the market and riding the fucking Metro. The only people who truly scare me are those that walk around like they are filled with joy to the point of bursting because I am pretty sure they have about two dozen loaded guns in their closet and will one day snap. There is no normal, there is life and everyone has some thing they drag through them to get to death. And along the way we have some fun, some sorrow and if we are lucky we die in our sleep. So, do I think you are Normal? As normal as any other person you meet on a day to day basis. But stay away from the PTA, because really no kid wants their mother at the PTA because even your kid knows those people are really fucked up.
I will say, with 100% certainty that EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD feels this way sometimes. Maybe not all the time, maybe not most times, but everyone has doubts and fears and unrequited love and unfinished goals. BUT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT. Why do you think that sites like PostSecret or the ‘truth box’ that the Single Dad Laughing blog does are so successful. Because people have secrets and can’t always keep up with their versions of what they should be.
You are amazing. No matter if you only go so far as the toilet and the fridge that day. You are alive. You don’t owe the world or anyone else anything more than that.
I’m sure there’s not much I can add to the other 2000 people who have left comments, but I’ll chime in and say I don’t leave many days with a feeling of accomplishment. Three or four days a month sounds about right. I have a list that just sits there while I just sit here at my computer. Some of the things on that list are important. Some aren’t, but I’ve decided I want to do them. Now I use them to whittle down my self-worth when I don’t.
All I can say is set small goals, remember how good it feels to meet them, and keep trying to break through. It doesn’t matter what other people think. Your own voice is always loudest to you.
Your thousands of people agreeing are making my phone flip out. Lol. Hopefully this posts and not freezes.
Honestly I have to say that that’s what turned me to Christianity. When I realized that the Bible is God telling me, “hey, you fell short of the bar, but you know what? I love you, and if you ask, I’ll forgive you. And even better if you turn to me I will GIVE YOU MY STRENGTH AND GET YOU THROUGH IT!” That’s just amazing. So stinking amazing.
On my worst days, I always realize its because I was trying to do it myself and not asking God to work through me.
I know many people would just blow off this comment. And that’s fine. But I had to share cuz I’ve definitely come to you for a reminder that “depression lies”. And I appreciate that you’re here to remind me and get me to laugh. 🙂
I’d say I feel good about my life 3-5 days a month also. Like today, I totally got a raise without asking for one, just cause my company knows I’m kicking ass and I deserved it. But in the last year I’ve lost my house due to stupid money mistakes and I’ve been in varying levels of fighting with my boyfriend for a stupid stunt I pulled. Most of the time I feel like crap. And yes, I don’t talk about it, except for maybe with a good friend.
After loosing my house, just walking up to our now crappy apartment, or driving through the neighborhood we lived in, or just looking at a nice house can make me really depressed.
You aren’t alone, others are probably just better at faking it.
Y’know…I’m facing a layoff from my temp job. It’s a 90 day layoff but I feel like it’s sending me back 10 years in progression in life that I should already have under my belt. There’s a lot of days where I feel like…wtf am I even doing? Why can everyone else figure their shit out and I can’t?
But…we just have to keep trying, as dumb and cliche as it sounds, and remember the things we accomplished. You have an amazing talent to make people laugh and a fearless voice that is honest. That’s what got you where you are and it’s something no one can take from you.
I hope you feel better, and I hope you know that whether you’re actively climbing a mountain or in bed, you’re important and you’re doing something.
I may qualify as one of your biggest stalkers and this is my first time commenting, which feels strange, aint gonna lie. I have insomnia and sometimes I lay in bed at 3am reading through your posts from years ago, rereading posts that I stoopid love and sometimes I just read the hundreds and hundreds of comments. It is an addiction. But don’t judge me, I am TERRIFIED of sleeping pills, so instead I have you. As for being successful each day… I never clean my house, I have 2 dogs and a 4 year old so this is actually an issue that I had to solve , I have started thousands of projects I have never finished, I have bought supplies for a million and one hobbies that I never even picked up, I buy workout clothes bc I think that is the first step to being in shape (turns out I’m wrong), I intend to take my daughter and my pups to the park every weekend even though this RARELY ever happens, I frequently have mental debates about whether or not I really “need” to shower that day, when I go out with my friends I still drink too much and party like I’m 18 (I am not 18), I didn’t follow the stable-job-married-with-kids-and-a-401K-life plan, sometimes my insomnia takes over my life and all I can do is pick my daughter up from school and eat dinner in bed with her while we watch disney movies because I am so f-cking exhausted, I buy groceries and then let them rot in my fridge because sometimes my laziness keeps me from doing the one thing I love the most (cooking), I started a cooking blog years ago and then I just stopped writing (which makes me really sad). And then there’s this… I like my life a lot, I love my friends and my family so much. Sometimes I live paycheck to paycheck, but I have enough to live in a house I love, care for a rockin’ 4 year old girl and occasionally lend my friends money when their electricity gets turned off. One day, years ago I decided where to set my bar, and here it is. I have enough money if when someone I love asks me to borrow a hundred bucks to turn their cell phone back on I can say yes. I am not alone as long as I have my friends and family to hug. I am successful if I can laugh at least once that day, like really really laugh, even if it’s only for an instant. I set that bar years ago and I committed to it like a marriage (I mean I literally view it as a relationship that I HAVE to be faithful to, out of love). Sometimes just deciding that it’s better to write your own definitions instead of accepting others’ definitions is the only way to maintain your sanity. Case in point… do not look to Miriam and Webster for sanity, you will only find twerking.
You are not alone. We are all swimming, treading water, and feeling like, hey, I got the laundry INTO the washing machine and maybe I’ll get the time to turn it on tomorrow. People from the outside think I’m an amazing mom, homemaker, organized, etc., and it’s so reassuring when I get together with other moms who I feel the same way about and realize that we ALL have our truly not-amazing moments. I’ve said “fuck” in front of my kids more times than I can count. I’ve had plenty of those moments when my little-observer-in-my-head is saying, “What the freak are you doing?! Bad decision!” and I go ahead and do it anyway. The best we can do is to cut ourselves a break. If nobody dies/is seriously injured then it’s a decent day. And if everyone is getting along more-or-less then it’s a pretty good day. And if everyone has had some truly happy moments then it’s an amazing day. It’s so easy to assume everyone else has it figured out *except me*, when it’s the opposite. You have way more figured out than you think you do. Celebrate the small stuff and give yourself some credit for getting through the day. Because, seriously, often that’s enough.
You are important to so many people. You maybe can’t see it some days but its true. You are not alone and you are adored! {{{HUGS}}} from Philly!
I routinely use the phrase “I am not good at being a person.” Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. Most of the people I can talk honestly with about it know, too.
Not much I can say that hasn’t been said above! Just that I love your work, and I think you’re hilarious. I have depression as well, and although everyone’s is different, something that finally kicked me over from just meh to feeling actually kind of good sometimes, was a drug called Cytomel. It’s a thyroid drug, officially, but my psychiatrist has found that using it off-label for depression, it can kick a good antidepressant up a notch, and really help. I do not have thyroid deficiency officially, but 25 micrograms of Cytomel in addition to my usual 450 mg of Effexor has really made a difference for me. I don’t know if you’ve ever had your thyroid levels checked, but whether or not you have, ask your psych about this. And remember – you are doing the best you can with what you have right now, and it’s enough!!
I could have written your post myself…I have anxiety, ADD and depression and most days I find it an accomplishment that I make it to work and home without screaming, crying or burning something down. I know the root of some of my issues and that helps someday but other days I feel like that is no excuse. I feel like I am one step away from being discovered as a fraud, lazy or stupid. My husband and I have been talking about trying to have a child and some days I am excited and other days I feel like I should be a mother. How can I be a mother when I feel like a fraud or a disapointment most days. I have about a good 3-5 days a month where I feel like a great person who has done something with their life. I usually feel that way when I am helping others or I accomplished some great feet like organizing or cleaning my house. You help people every day; you bring us laughter and remind us that we are not alone. Most importantly you remind us that depression lies. You cannot imagine how much those two words mean to so many people.
Holy fuckballs, the comments on this post are both copious and amazeballs. I’ll throw mine on the heap that cries out, YES. I feel like this always and forever, but I have noticed it’s more intense since I’ve entered the midlife crisis-y portion of this old life cycle. Although I have also noticed that I give less of a shit about some aspects of life than I used to so, win.
I might have 3-5 good or good-ish days on a good month. Living inside of a human brain all day, every day, unable to escape random and crazy thoughts is enough to make anyone mental. I suppose that some people are better at ignoring their brain’s chatter and they are able to be shiny and happy. I don’t know any of those people, but I’m sure they exist somewhere. Kind of like pegacorns.
I love you for talking about this and I love this mad bunch of crazy weirdos you’ve gathered together for being badass enough to own it and share it.
xoxo
I have the misfortune of knowing a lot of “successful” writers that are serous assholes (and they didn’t start out that way). Success has enormous potential to do bad, bad things to us creative types. So, maybe consider reframing your feelings into something positive – as in “Serious Asshole Deterrent Strategies” or SADS. In this way, you can see them as a protective mechanism – a gift from the universe to keep you from becoming a total jerk about being so utterly cool. Just a thought. So, when you get depressed or feel inadequate or feel like an imposter just say, “thank goodness I’m feeling SADS again – atta girl – way to dodge the old ‘asshole’ bullet”:)
So many of us feel this way. I LOVE that {titleofshow} song. It helps be let go and make those shrinkydinks because I want/have to. It helps quiet the voice down that says “And for this you went to college?”
Shit, who told you you were alone?
Last year I was accepted to a private arts school in Chicago, but am now attending the local university exactly 4 blocks from my house and am wondering how the hell I’m going to pay for even this.
Point being, even when I feel like a failure (constantly) I always find a reason to laugh, ’cause life doesn’t look so shitty when you’re smiling.
I was never able to open this post yesterday, must have been the volume of people saying: Me too! Me too! I often feel like you that I am only good 3-4 days.
All the crap I’ve gone through in my personal life made me feel like the failure. I’ve been working more on seeing what is other people’s shit and what is really mine. Wow, that has really helped.
I hope it really does get better. Because lately I just want to hop in the car and drive away.
Some days I set a single attainable goal for myself (examples: take a walk, mail a bill payment, don’t eat ice cream) and if I achieve that, no matter what else happened that day, it’s considered a successful day.
I feel like I haven’t failed at life, less than 5-7 days a month. If I have 2 good days a week, it’s been a good month.
I was diagnosed with: Atypical mood disorder, in 2010 by a wonderful doctor who really knew his shit. He listened before he checked the little boxes on the sheet and handed me a prescription. My childhood fucked my head up so badly that it can’t normally process excessive stress….it turns it into rage. I have meds that help control that part of me, but I feel like a failure because I need the meds.
I also have developed mild anxiety, mostly since having my son. I’ll have a panic attack sneak up on me over nothing and I’m shut down for hours to days.
I see other moms who post what they’ve done with their kids, where they’ve gone and shit like that….and I start to think what a failure I am because I couldn’t handle being in such a crowded, public place with my son and not freak out! I feel like my anxiety is ruining his childhood.
But if you ask him, I’m his best friend. I’m his best mommy and his best girl. I need to hear that from him sometimes because when I start comparing myself to everyone else I lose myself.
You are not alone.
I count being ok in hours. Sometimes in days, but usually in hours. And sometimes, it’s just moments. And because of some of the things I do professionally I am constantly fearful that everyone, absolutely everyone, either does see that I am a fraud or soon will. And they are just humoring me for some bizarre, surrealistic reason.
Professional stuff just doesn’t cut it my head…it seems like it’s all an act. Sometimes I feel lonely because it feels like no one can see the real me, and sometimes it would be better to be seen as a fraud than to be invisible.
And in interpersonal things I constantly second-guess my every word, trying to breathe through the awkwardness and uncertainty.
And yet, like you, I am essentially OK. I get up and usually get clean and always do what needs to be done to keep the pets alive. And I try to be kind and am often successful. I meditate and try to eat healthfully and get to yoga when I can. I don’t take meds anymore because of some of the contraindications with other issues in my body, but truly, it’s generally a good compromise even though some days I miss pharmaceuticals…
You are not alone. In fact, I have reason to know that you have a lot of company, a good deal of it with people who look mighty shiny to the casual observer… take good care of you….
Holy fuckballs, the comments on this post are both copious and amazeballs. I’ll throw mine on the heap that cries out, YES. I feel like this always and forever, but I have noticed it’s more intense since I’ve entered the midlife crisis-y portion of this old life cycle. Although I have also noticed that I give less of a shit about some aspects of life than I used to so, win.
I might have 3-5 good or good-ish days on a good month. Living inside of a human brain all day, every day, unable to escape random and crazy thoughts is enough to make anyone mental. I suppose that some people are better at ignoring their brain’s chatter and they are able to be shiny and happy. I don’t know any of those people, but I’m sure they exist somewhere. Kind of like pegacorns.
I love you for talking about this and I love this mad bunch of crazy weirdos you’ve gathered together for being badass enough to own it and share it.
xoxo
When I read this post I wanted to jump up and scream “Get outta my head!” Because I understood it perfectly. Because, despite my best efforts I live it every.single.day. And it sucks. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. It’s a sucky little club we are in. But we will survive this. And we will keep moving forward. I am confident. Because we do it every damn day. And because I love your writing. And whether or not you believe it, the truth is that you inspire me. And you inspire hundreds (thousands?) of other women like us every day. We are better because of you. You can do it, I can do it, we can all do it. Look at how far you have already come! It’s amazing! And it gives me hope. For that, I am incredibly grateful to you.
PS: I’m so grateful I would gladly dedicate my next “I’m Rocking Today” blog post to you, but I’m really shitty at updating my blog and I’m not very sure it’s any good anyway and you’d probably hate it.
PPS: You rock.
I LOVE that you got over 3000 responses!!! And I love your blog … and I’m glad you haven’t eaten anybody (yet) — BTW, do you watch “The Walking Dead”? I LOVE THAT SHOW!! Can’t wait for it to start up again in October. Just remember that some days our best is different than other days and THAT IS O.K. … every day is a challenge and an accomplishment!! Sending you a BIG BLOG HUG 🙂
I feel like that a lot. I feel as though at any moment someone is going to take off my mask and yell “Bullshitter! She’s a fucking bullshitter!” Doesn’t matter that I have accomplished some pretty cool things. I still feel like I’m living a lie. And I don’t know how to NOT pass that on to my daughters. I don’t want them to feel that way, ever, because it sucks.
Hi,
I really valued reading this; I should start by saying I don’t think I suffer from any mental illness currently or have in the past. To me, this feeling exists for everyone, to varying extents, because of the world we live in. We can compare ourselves to EVERYONE, not just our neighbours or family, but to models and noble peace prize winners. If we chose to, we could wake up every day make petitions, recycle and collect for charity. But, for most people, you can’t do this every day because you know, your hair needs washing and your kid needs picking up.
Part of life is just getting through. I think if you can make one out of ten days count, well done! You take care!
A little story. I got a project at work that we would normally book 3 weeks to complete, but other issues got in the way – I had 4 days to finish it. It was day 3 and I was so awesome and done! High fives from all my colleagues! I leave work to find I forgot all my needed items for my errands – got ditched for dinner – and the next day while wrapping up the project found errors made on Day 1 that forced me to re-do the whole project! Universe saw me getting cocky and pushed me back in place.
Truth I feel like an amazing adult twice a month. Most of the time I feel like I’ve got my shit together enough not to hurt myself or others. And about 2 days a month I feel like I should be sent back a grade and my brain is mush and all I can do is candy crush.
I’m not battling any depression. My anxiety keeps me awake with endless to do lists & planning for what’s next. It can make it hard to enjoy or value the present, but it also helps not focus on the wrongs in the past. I might be a cynic. I don’t dwell on those shit blips in my day much. It’s like driving in Chicago – if you just assume everyone’s going to cut you off, you’re less pissed when they do and pleased when they don’t.
3104 comments as I write this. That number alone should tell you something. That’s something you did, right there. Nobody else. You. You brought those people together and made them care enough to post.
As for the rest of it, I dunno. I’m “normal”. No illnesses, no dramatic history, nothing. And I figure it’s pretty normal to feel like you’re not getting things done. Not making an impact. Not happy with where you are.
The cure? Baby steps, as you said. Cut things down to attainable goals. Eventually you get there. Remember that life doesn’t really have a finish line. It’s about making progress along the way, even if it’s slow.
There are thousands of people here who want to make you feel better I think that screams success right there. I know you have already posted after this but I still feel compelled to comment after reading this.
My depression isn’t that bad meaning I can deal with the anxiety and such on my own for the most part. I feel like a failure quite a bit. I work at a job I hate for hardly any money. I dream of one day being an author because that is what I want out of life. I want to be with my family and finally happy at what I do. I have a bunch of projects I’ve started but never finished. I always feel it isn’t good enough or I get discouraged. As best I can I hold onto hope that things will not be like this forever.
My anchor to sanity is my family. My wife is amazing and my kids are just the best. at 3 and 3 months they find a way to make me smile no matter what. My wife tells me I’m a wonderful father and the best husband she could ask for and that makes me realize I am succeeding at something. I hope I helped, I know I don’t have answers for you but at least you are not alone (clearly).
I think that you are so perfectly normal that it is scary. I don’t think I have ever had a great day where everything gets accomplished. Screw Pinterest. My day is successful if the laundry that I folded on the couch actually makes it upstairs. The next day is successful if it put in a basket and is not sitting on the floor or (gasp) put away! I have made my own expectations so small that everyday is successful. Some are more than others. Some days suck, some don’t. I won’t compare myself to others anymore because they are not any better than me. And the less often you wash your hair the better, less breakage!
i’m sure you’re not as bad off as you think you are. most of us are very insecure (hello, wars? and high heels?) like every freaking thing out there from meds to makeup tells us we’re inferior and we eat all that shit up every day. and yes, i’m entirely an imposter but here it is..
no matter how much i suck at everything, how awkward i am or how little i actually contribute to this planet (or my own existence for that matter) – This is it, baby. This is all I have. right. now. This is all my kids have. And I get up and do it. And do it again. Insert my awkward self into awkward situations with other parents, show up to kids stuff because me and my husband, we’re it! We’re what they’ve got and what we’ve got. So we do it. We show up. Every day. And fuck it. Who has time to think about how awesome we are or how much we suck?
JUST FAKE IT. Fake it to be functional. Life may never make sense for most of us but if we’re there for the people we love, we’re grateful for what we’ve got and can enjoy blue skies or a margarita now and then, go for it. Get the help you need but don’t live in your inadequacy, the timer is running. And this is it.
And this is why I got the fuck off of Pinterest. It makes me feel like the shittiest mom and wife on the planet. Fuck Pinterest.
Sometimes I think everyone is like that, completely fucked, it’s just some are better at hiding it and/or drowning the pain. Because if everyone else isn’t like that then it’s only me and there’s no point to anything I do. I try to be a good person, I work hard, I keep my shit together and I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m a 34 year old woman who is divorced (I have 6 siblings all happily married), childless (in a place that judges you on womb capacity, I have 13 nieces and nephews with 3 more on the way), carless (because all my cars commit suicide and I finally am at the point where I can’t afford to buy a bus pass), I was laid off from my day job 2 months ago and haven’t been able to find a livable wage job with insurance so I took an underpaying job with no insurance just to have a job, I’ve had to ask my parents for help because my two part time jobs haven’t been nearly enough, and I’m living in a shitty house that I can’t really afford so I’m trying to sell it so I can move into my parents basement. I went to college for 2 years, I went to trade school. I’ve done everything everyone has ever asked me to do. People keep telling me how kind I am, how smart I am, how dedicated I am, how good I am…and all I feel is sad and angry. I’ve been miserable for most of my life because I’ve felt like I never really had any talent or skill at anything that I enjoy, but all the things that I am good at I hate. I try to be positive, I try to set realistic goals, and I try to find beauty in life, but honestly there are maybe 5 days a month where I feel good about anything, and that’s on a really good month. Now I’m looking at working 3 jobs until the die I die alone because I will never find a husband or have kids and I will never be able to afford to retire. or even to have enough put aside so that I only have to work 1 job. It’s not just you, life’s a bitch.
I’ve been thinking about this some more. Some things that work for me.
– If there’s something that will make you feel right, something that always makes you feel better (writing for me, but it could be anything), make some time to do it regularly. Every day if you can. Even if it’s only 15 minutes. This might seem a bit selfish, but if you’re unbearable to be around if you don’t do it, and you feel much better when you do, your friends/family/dependents will be supportive. Besides, if your best friend said to you, “Hey, I need to do this thing every day for some time to feel good,” you’d probably say, “Of course. Why aren’t you doing it?” We’re often so horrible to ourselves in ways that we would never be to our friends and family. We need to learn to be our own best friends.
– Set easily achievable goals. Really, easily achievable goals. (Setting goals that you can’t achieve just makes you feel worse). Reward yourself when you meet them. Keep doing it until it becomes a habit. (e.g. since my ultimate goal is to finish my book, my starter goal would be write 100 words a day). Once you’re doing it consistently, you can increase your targets. And if you don’t make it one day, well, don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up. That was a bad day. But you haven’t failed unless you quit.
Of course, I talk a good game but I don’t always manage to apply this stuff. When I do, I do feel better. I hope you do too.
Once again, thank you for your beautifully honest blog and your book. You’re amazing, and you’re helping a whole load of people even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Much love. x
Oh my gosh. You are ALL my people.
A fraud. I think that was stated numerous times and that’s how I feel so often. Sometimes I feel like I’m a fraud because I’m getting so used to pretending to be happy when most of the time, I’m not. Or, that people are going to find out any minute that I’m a real screw-up. I actually can’t process/cognitively understand when people compliment me or point out something they find “impressive” about me. Really. I never believe them and think they’re just frauds, trying to make me feel better or just say stupid stuff.
Wow. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
Thank you for writing this post. And no, you are most certainly not alone. I’d say that there are at least 2 of us, but it appears that there are 3,120 of us…. and counting.
I don’t know that this will help. I have severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and am stuck in bed all day every day. I struggle to eat, take my meds and keep me and my house clean. I still need my parents’ help just to do that. I have no income so I am totally dependent on them and they just retired. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never accomplish much of anything again.
When I start to panic, I have to remember that life is not about what I do, it is about who I am. I have to make it through the day and be kind to others. Sometimes I can’t even be kind. But when I can’t get things done, I remind myself that I can do them tomorrow. There will always be more things that need to be done. I can’t think about what else has to get finished, I have to draw a line in the sand and say this is what I will do. The absolute most important question I ask myself is if it has to be done right now. And I will be honest, vary rarely does anything besides eating or sleeping have to be done immediately.
Living life is the hardest thing some of us will ever have to do. Living life is enough. I have escaped the trap of asking whether I have done my best. That is just my dark side trying to trip me up and make me feel badly about myself. Instead of analyzing how I did it, I ask if I did what needed to be done . Because, let’s face it, a lot of things we think we need are really just wants carrying guilt trips. Did I eat? Did I take my meds? Was I kind when my pain and pscyhe allowed me to be? When I wasn’t kind, did I acknowledge that and make sure the other person knew they were not at fault? Did I try to sleep even when I couldn’t? Then everything is fine. I don’t ever feel like I am kicking ass, but at least I only feel like I got my ass kicked 3 or 4 times a month.
I don’t know if that was the kind of answer you were looking for, but thanks for giving me a place to share it.
On average, four days a month. On Mondays. I have a long list of things to accomplish and when I get into bed that night I’m proud have those things done to hold up as proof I don’t sit around and eat bon bons all day. Here’s the problem with this though, I don’t feel like I’m a fantastic mother on those days. Because I have this long list of actual physical things to do, I’m busy, and I don’t get to sit down and play with my kid for even just an hour out of the day.
Never satisfied. I’ll keep trying though.
I really think it’s about perspective, and by that I mean we don’t tend to have any about ourselves. It isn’t just you, at least, I feel the same way about myself.
No one knows what a fraud I really am. I have co-workers say things to me like, “I don’t know how you do all the things you do” and in reality, I’m the biggest slacker in the world. Sometimes it’s all I can do to get through the day and I come home and sit on the couch and if I can have three coherent thoughts that night, it’s a damn miracle. Yet somehow – and damned if I know how it’s happened – I’m a few months away from my Ph.D.
But we get through it. You’ve written a book. You’ve raised a marvelous child. You have a fantastic marriage. These things take work, and I can look at you and say, “I don’t know how you do all the things you do.” And I *don’t.* I can’t make a relationship work. I can’t write a book, or a blog, or be consistently funny, or raise another human being, or overcome the obstacles you do with such grace.
And I guarantee you those shiny, sparkly PTA mothers have their dusty boxes and unwashed hair too. You just don’t live with them to see it, and they show the world what they want to show. And others look at them and say, “I don’t know how you do all the things you do.” And they go home and say, “God, if they only know what a fraud I was.”
We’re all in this together, I think.
It’s been a long time since I’ve truly felt like I’ve had it all together. As a mom, I see or read or hear about what some other mom is doing, and I feel guilty . No, I didn’t breastfeed for a full year. No, I didn’t puree my own organic baby food. No, I didn’t knit my son a whimsical beret. Therefore, I must be just half-assing this whole motherhood thing, right? I get the same feeling when it comes to teaching, decorating, cooking, exercising, cleaning, etcetera!
I think one of the biggest culprits here is the internet. The internet has brought us many kick-ass, awesome things (like you!), but it’s also given many of us a skewed sense of reality. It’s hard to remember sometimes that people only put on the internet what they WANT us to see. We see people’s pretty, perfect, edited lives– I know that before I take a photo or a video that I think I might put on Facebook, I’ll straighten the pillows and hide the clutter first. That doesn’t mean that the imperfect stuff isn’t there, it’s just out of sight. Sometimes we have to stop and remind ourselves that everyone is just as imperfect as we are. 🙂
What is a “Successful Human Being?” Don’t use someone else’s definitions, use your own. Then set your sights on the things you do well.
You are wonderful the way you are. I love you and everything you do for so many people. You are one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever encountered. I just hope you are a real person and not some “Blogess” computer program designed to entertain the more than slightly odd among us. I’m pretty convinced your not though. There is NO way in HELL that a computer would ever come up with a taxidermied cross-dressing coyote. Metal chicken? Maybe, but not the coyote.
With 3118 comments already you probably won’t get to this one at all but I wanted you to know you’re not alone at all. I get through most days wondering what the fuck I’m doing at all and how I’m managing to fool everyone around me in the process. I suffer from depression and am on meds and have regular psych sessions after I wrote something I think even made him realize I was more fucked up than he realized. I have an arsehole abusive ex and three gorgeous kids two of which are autistic and I work full time in a job with hard clientele and even worse bosses who make life harder rather than more supportive. A hundred times a day I think or say out loud I can’t do this! What the fuck am I doing? This is too hard. Then take a step and another cause i have no choicebut to keep going. And the worst thing is that It doesnt matter how many people say how good I’m doing or give compliments there’s a narky bitch in my head screwing them up into little paper balls and shooting them towards the waste paper bin as she rewrites them to be narky bitchy put downs. I look at other better specimens of humans and wonder how I can become one? And wonder often if I’m too screwed up of a human to be guiding my children into being humans…but they’re stuck with me and if they become screwed up I’ve got no doubts at all they will be the most loved and know they’re loved, humans on the planet..those moments kissing their cheeks and snuggling in front of a movie or drawing together or baking together I feel like a good human…I need to find more time to do that. Oh and Jenny, it might not help but those times I feel the least capable and most alone I come here because you make me feel normal and you make me laugh. I love your words and your book and you make a positive difference to my life. I read you and I feel I belong…reading your posts are days I feel like a true member of this human race with kin. xx
I am sure that someone else has probably said this, but I just wanted to let you know that you are the ONLY blog I follow and the reason is that you are not perfect. You let us see the dust and cracks and that makes you GREAT at being a human being. It’s the whole superficial world that has people like you and me questioning whether or not we are really succeeding at ANYTHING. To answer you questions honestly, I feel like I am lucky to get a kick-ass day every two or three months. I am a mom to four, just embarking on homeschooling a teenager with learning disabilities (even though on paper the school says he is fine), I can’t remember the last time I had actual sex with my husband instead of just “giving in”, and my eating bar has not been cleared off all summer. What makes me feel the worst in knowing that there is something wrong with me (I am sure I am depressed, possibly ADD, and afraid to go out and mingle with the world more than I care to admit), but not having the time or insurance to cover any sort of treatment. Or the money to pay outright for the help. Second worst is knowing that my kids still tell me I am a great Mom even through the crazy mess. Don’t know if they are being truthful or trying to make me feel better. As for the last question, I am trying to work on making some small steps. But, in the end, I spend a nice long shower each night crying where no one will hear me. Hang in there. I really admire your honesty and perseverance.
I think, no, I know..this strikes a huge chord with people. Everyone, every single person, at least, every person who has the inclination to look inward, and question things, has felt these feelings. And heard these ‘voices’….the ones that say ‘im a fraud’, ‘when will people really SEE all the cracks……the chasms of space between what I should be, and what I am?’. I don’t know how much it helps to know that, though. To know….that so many people feel this way. I’m sure its nice, to know you are not alone, and that, actually, you are in VERY good company. It’s like if you had a really bad flu, and you feel like hell, and you think, yes, there are so many others that feel like hell, too! The bottom line is that you still….feel like hell! One of the things that stands out, in what you wrote…is the word ‘successful’. You used it a couple of times…..but I wonder, what and how and who sets the standard for that word. Anybody who gets through the day,the month, year, LIFE, and lives the best that they can, and etries to do the right thing, and be kind. And love their kids, and make them feel safe….and tries…..toengage in life, as much as they can engage…..I would say they are pretty amn successful,right there. If a person plays the comparison game, the one thing that is a guarantee, is that they will 100% absolutely lose at it……and lose BIG. There will always be, or rather….seem to.be, people that are more ‘successful’, smarter, better looking, happier, wealthier, healthier, wiser, younger, nicer, tougher………on and ON and ON! So, my little teeny tiny itty bitty crumb…….of advice…..is to not play that game. And.keep.asking all these good.questions, because its a good thing. To think about this stuff. Just don’t….please……gibe yourself too much of a flogging about it all.
It’s odd to read this blog today because I woke up this morning and realized it was the first morning in a long time where I had some energy and was probably going to be able to get something on my To Do list done. And I can totally relate to feeling like you’re faking your way through life. I was at the vet recently with one dog, one cat and a 4-month old strapped to my front in a baby carrier and the gal who worked there asked me if he was my first baby. When I told her yes she said “Wow, you’ve really got it together” and the first thing that went through my mind was “Are you kidding me?!? If you think that then I’m doing a great job faking it.” Because that is how I feel on a pretty regular basis. I spent the last 25 years in the workforce with only a break when I moved from one state to another and I was so sure that once I stopped working to raise our child our house would be spotless, I would be exercising every day and I’m sure there were some other insane notions but then reality bitch slapped me upside the head. And the reality is I have a newborn, five pets, a husband who travels for work more than he’s home and a lot of the time all I’m going to get done is the laundry and dishes. Being able to accept that isn’t so easy but I’m slowly getting better and really trying not to compare myself to friends who seem like SuperWoman because they do it all and look good while doing it.
Jenny,
Your post made me cry. Not because I’m feeling sorry for you or anything like that, but because you just summed up my life. (Well, except that I’m not on medication or in therapy, and I SHOULD be, but can’t afford it.) Every day, I wake up and stare at the ceiling and I think, “Why can’t I function like a normal person?” When my kids were little, I used to see those PTA moms who had it together and think that there must be something wrong with me because they had lives outside of their homes, and I couldn’t bring myself to go to the meetings every month (they are monthly, right?).
I’m an aspiring novelist who has writer’s block so bad that I don’t even try anymore. I didn’t work for eleven years, and then I held down a job for five months before I got too sick to work, due to stress and medical issues. My unemployment runs out in about a month (and I had to fight them for three months to get it at all), and despite having a recent college degree and the desire to work, I’m a risk, and I’m a horrible prospect because I’m almost 40 and haven’t worked in eleven years, except at a job that fired me. I’ve had Imposter Syndrome my whole life, and I never feel like anything I do is good enough, no matter what it is.
You’re not alone. You’ve been a good role model (whether you know it or not) for those of us who struggle daily the same way you do. Or similarly, anyway. Keep fighting the good fight, Jenny. Sometimes, even when a person doesn’t feel like they’re doing much, what they’re doing is showing others the way, and that we are all connected. Thank you for being you, even if you are flawed. The flawed characters are always the ones we relate to the most (and the most fun to root for).
Hi,
I’m replying to this post because it struck a nerve. Actually I smacked my elbow on the desk so it may just be that. I don’t suffer from depression or anything major, just an average 99% type of person without any special talents, skill, looks or brains. My whole life I have had these moments when I look back on my life and think, “What the hell was I thinking? What an idiot!” Then I blush and feel embarrassed for the dork I was, and will always be. Currently I am embarrassed that it took me ten minutes to spell embarrassed. When I read your first book I laughed so hard I was almost removed from a flight to Atlanta. I wondered how anyone could have lived such a life and thought back to the weirdness of my family and laughed more. The thing is we are specks in the universe and as a people most of just survive the day. There are a few people who have the energy of ten people, and seem to have the light of goodness in them at all times, but I bet even Mother Teresa would swear at the people in front of her who can’t seem to figure out that its easier to drive if you aren’t texting. Besides those people also have times when they fell like shit, they’re just more efficient about it. Since I see how many people have responded to your post I know I’m safe in saying what I want because it’ll take forever to get to this entry, so I will give the only advice my mom needed to raise 4 children in to semi-functioning semi- adults. A woman who, we are pretty sure suffered from depression but, thought that mental problems were just self-indulgent b.s. A woman who no matter what the condition you may have suffered, depression, cramps, broken bones, (true) would take a drag from her cigarette, blow the smoke just over your head and say ” Go to the bathroom, you’ll feel better.”
This has helped me so much with my various “disorders” (bipolar, depression, ADD, mild OCD), so much so that I am currently medication free. I’m not saying that’s your solution, but looking at yourself in a positive light, and rethinking how you view your awesomeness that you’ve been told is abnormal.
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html?source=facebook#.UilGGGVxd2J.facebook
I actually feel successful most days. I think I am able to feel this way because I long ago chose to define “success” on my own terms. Although I have a good career, this is not an important contributor to my sense of success. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel successful when I’m able to get the heck out of the office early to play with my kids, go to the pool, make dinner with my wife, veg out with a book, or photoshop my butt-head neighbor into a groundhog.
It’s YOUR life, Jenny. Define “success” on YOUR terms … and enjoy it!
It would hard to say that I ever feel truly successful as my inner voice always seems to be telling me I should be more. It don’t shup. There may be a few days a month where I feel like I accomplished something, but the rest are filled with the anxiety of what I have not accomplished and need to. In the next paragraph I’ll let you in on something that has helped the level of anxiety (along with the right medication cocktail and yoga) – it was spawned from the fact that a nervous breakdown I had 8 years ago left my brain a gushy mess of spacy-ness. My memory is crap now and it’s difficult to remember a movie I watched last night, even if it was the most fabulous movie ever…of course, this could be alcohol (more medication) killing my brain cells too!
You’re on the right track by whittling down your goals to smaller accomplishments with no personal attachment. Small accomplishments relieve my anxiety…and lists of them enabling me to CROSS shit off really makes me feel better about myself and that I’m getting somewhere in my daily existence. I make a few lists at the start of the week. One list is catered to that specific week with items like “Go to Grocery Store” or “Have Beers at Bar” or “Mail Ma’s Birthday Card”. I even have “Make these damn lists” as the only goal for Sunday. I only put things on this list that are EASILY ATTAINABLE and divide it up by the days of the week so I have plenty of time to do them – maybe one a day. I put this one near my desk to remind myself of the day’s task(s). There’s another list of household chorey stuff of about 6 or 7 things. “Water Plants”, “Brush Cat’s Teeth”, “Laundry” – items I should be doing every week. I don’t put this list out on the fridge or anything…I hide it under a magazine in the bathroom, knowing it exists and what is on it, and I only get it out when I know I can cross something off of it. Every week I toss this list and have a new one. The weeks that you get everything crossed off are very rewarding so it encourages you to want to complete a list in future weeks. The weeks that you don’t – oh well, next week you just know you’ll need to brush the cat’s teeth harder. I do have a notebook of BIG goals that I only review once every 3 months or so…filled with HARDLY ATTAINABLE goals like “Clean ONE junk drawer”, “Paint Hallway Walls”. This list rarely gets an item crossed off, but it’s there to remind my poor memory what I need to eventually do, and when I get to cross off one of these items, it’s a great elation…better than the 1 or 2 days I feel moderately successful in the month. Perhaps I will add “read all the rest of these comments” as a goal – I’m guessing there is some helpful shit in here – and most likely I’ve repeated someone else’s advice (sorry ‘bout that) ?
I don’t believe these shiny people exist anywhere outside of our own minds. I have weeks where getting my kids to and from school safely is a win.
I was a PTA Mom; they’re not sparkly. Trust me! We’re all doing the best we can.
To quote you, “Depression is a lying bastard.” Don’t listen to him now. He is wrong.
Have you tried DBT? It is showing a great deal of success with personality disorders and depression. As is “Mindfulness.”
The best thing you can do while you try to figure it out is give yourself a break.
All the best to you. Better days are yet to come…even if it takes many tomorrows to find them!
What makes me feel like I kicked ass?
When I feel connected to others. When I make someone laugh or when someone gives me a sincere compliment or tells me that they love me. Bonus points if it’s someone I love back. I feel successful when I know I’ve made someone’s day just a little bit better, through a compliment or an anecdote or telling a rude and innapropriate joke. Usually it’s by telling a rude and innapropriate joke.
What makes me feel worse is feeling disconnected. When I get wrapped up in things that don’t matter, like making a mistake, personal aquisitions, and being “better.”
As harshly as we judge others, the judgements we place on ourselves are by far the worst. Try to see yourself through other people’s eyes, and try to give yourself the leeway that you give to others. It is our quirks and defficiencies that draw us together, not apart.
You’re not alone. I moved into this house twenty years ago and I still have boxes from two moves before that, including at least one labeled “Important! Open first!” I’ve redefined it to be a time capsule. My house is a mess, I’ve never finished the many books I’ve started writing, and I can spend entire weekends reading or playing video games in my nightgown.
You wanted honest replies, so here is something I feel compelled to say. I think your definition of “accomplishment” needs some tweaking. Completing endless todo lists isn’t accomplishment. One hundred years from now, or even one year from now, it’s not going to matter if we did laundry or baked cupcakes today. What’s going to matter is how we touched other people. By that definition, you’re accomplishing so much. When you write a blog post, that’s an accomplishment. But it’s also an accomplishment every time anyone reads that post and is made happier, more inspired, better able to understand, or given the hope and strength to carry on another day. By that measure, you are accomplishing SO MUCH every day. And then figure all of those people go out and, because if what they read, make someone else’s day a little better. Jenny, your light shines so bright and it ripples outward throughout the world. It makes me cry to know you believe you’re accomplishing so little when, in reality, you’re accomplishing far more than most people can ever hope to achieve.
I know you didn’t want to hear good things, but you did want honesty, so that’s what I’ve given you.
Ok, that may be a little harsh, but who knows! You said something very important, …”hard for me to see myself correctly”. You realize that, but it doesn’t make any real difference. Just keep repeating it. Try new drugs, new therapist, new hair. You need to get a pony, a real one, not stuffed. I know about things like this. I don’t think you are going to be able to read all these posts, your eyes will bleed. Just look at the number of them and know that you are loved THAT MANY TIMES! I send you telepathically seven happies.
You are TOTALLY not alone. I’ve spent countless hours trying to explain to my family and friends why I need to take my medicine to appear normal. I just spent the entire week (that I took off work) doing only maybe 3 of the 15 things on my list and I feel useless. The only thing that works for me is alcohol, which I know is wrong. I don’t drink a lot, but I drink enough so that I feel close to normal, or maybe because I don’t want to feel anything. (And I justify it by only drinking after 5:00 pm.) I KNOW I’m a good person, and I KNOW that I’m setting the bar too high, but I can’t help it. Oh, and that imposter syndrome? I sang opera in college and beyond and now sing for church and even though it’s been 30 years since my first applause, I still think that someone’s going to find me out any day and expose me as a fraud.
Thank you for being so frank and up front about this. I admire the heck out of you.
I wish I could have said something funny, though. I’m usually pretty funny. Except when I’m a fraud.
PS When I met you in Kansas City, you were genuine and funny and just the nicest person ALIVE.
Every moment of every day I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel as if I will never actually be what I have somehow convinced those around me that I am. There are brief, fleeting hours where I feel successful; when I feel like maybe I’ve accomplished something. Days? Nope. Maybe some day or some year. Maybe not. Until then, I’ll look at my kids and realize they are decent human beings and try to convince myself that is enough. I’ll continue to feel awful when people compliment me, and do my best not to let the inner voices actually use my mouth to tell them they’re wrong. I’ll keep getting up in the morning, getting dressed, and going to work and feeling like that’s all I’ve got, and then feeling useless for only having that much.
It’s not just you. Not by a long shot.
Though I’m a day behind and it seems that today you are better winning this battle, I find myself teary and thoroughly saddened that any person would feel the way you felt at the time this was written. You inspire me both through your creativity and sense of humor but more so through your courage to openly share when the struggle is besting you. I went through four years of social work school to figure my shit out, and the best I learned for myself is to be present when the enemy is winning in an attempt to distinguish what is real and what is a lie, and to break up my day into small, tiny manageable steps when necessary. Step one, open your eyes. Just open your eyes. Okay that’s done. Next. Step one. Get out of bed, just get out of bed. Okay that’s done. Next. Step one. Go to the bathroom, because if you have to tell your friends that you peed yourself in your own bed, that will be truly mortifying and we all know that an event such as that cannot be kept to one’s self. Thank you for all that you do for this kindred community but mostly for giving us all a place where we can all feel welcome. <3
I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. One of the best things that ever happened to me was realizing I’m not alone in feeling like this. It’s normal. We just don’t talk about it.
*HUGS*
ask me if I even brushed my hair today.
I have spent the last 7 months lying on the couch with my iPhone while my kids watch TV. Granted, it started because I quit smoking and taking a butt load of bipolar meds when I found out I was pregnant with my 6th!
I have honestly accomplished nothing in my 35 years besides breeding and managing to keep my husband around. I used to feel as you do, to the point of being suicidal, before I was hospitalized 2 years ago. But now, thankfully I just don’t give a flying fuck about anyone’s idea of what a worthwhile life is. “Perfect” people piss me off so I avoid them and their stupid blogs and I feel good about myself because I know I am needed and loved if even just to change diapers, kiss boo boo’s, have hot sex with my mate and nothing else.
It’s definitely not just you Jenny. I know I’m totally late with this, so I hope you’ll still see it. It’s not just you. I’m totally right there, only I can’t even see my accomplishments at all, let alone ignoring them for the bad voices in my head. I started up therapy again (yay for cognitive behavioral shit, amirite?) and last week my therapist asked me what I was good at. My answer was, “I dunno . . . I can cook I guess.” But even in the back of my head I was thinking, “But it’s not like I’m Pioneer Woman or Rachel Ray or a professional chef or even a food blogger and I totally half ass it most of the time.” The negative voice is always there. I work on it. You work on it. We all do.
You are definitely in good company. Your second paragraph pretty much sums up how I feel 95% of the time. I constantly feel like I’m failing at being an adult, like I haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to be doing, or I have, but I’m ignoring it or putting it off or failing at it (which, to a point is probably true, but those thoughts don’t help anything). If I really force myself to think about it in the barest of terms, when I was a child, my parents fed me and clothed me and housed me and took care of me when I was sick. They started treating me like an adult when I started doing those things for myself. And at the end of the day, that’s really the ONLY line I can find to help me judge whether or not I’m doing it right.
Everything else is really about social pressure: am I as good at it as everyone else? Someone has a more prestigious job or a fancier car or owns a house or whatever. And I’ve got to tell you – the BIGGEST pothole for me to fall in is comparing myself to others. I get caught up in this wicked loop of listing all the ways I’m not as good as everyone around me and all those things become reasons to feel like I’m doing it wrong, like I suck, like I’m behind on life, or worth less than everyone else. It’s been a huge struggle, but I have to remind myself EVERY DAY that comparing myself to other people never does any good. It just helps me undermine anything of value that I might find in myself.
My current goals (success not necessarily implied) are 1) stop comparing myself to others; 2) do not engage the negative thoughts that are constantly whipping through my head; 3) stop looking for validation from other people – try to value myself instead; 4) stop being a lump – doing nothing is fine if I’m genuinely recharging or resting or whatever, but if doing nothing becomes me feeling useless or mopey then I have to DO something – anything: wash dishes, walk around the block, re-arrange the DVD collection, throw rocks in the backyard, alphabetize my yarn – anything.
And I love your list. I love crossing out the “but….” and the “except…” in the list of daily accomplishments. I’m totally stealing this idea.
I am a teacher so many days I do feel like I am making such a huge difference it’s totally inconceivable to even me. There are many days also that I feel like I’m wasting my time… like I’m really not all that good at what I do. Maybe I didn’t have as much patience as I should have or I didn’t listen completely to someone or I missed noticing some important thing. I constantly think though that I really have the world fooled. That they think I am so much more capable than I am. Now that I’ve set this fake bar so high, how can I let everyone down and let them know I am really just as screwed up as they are? I think if we were all a bit more honest we would realize NO ONE is really as together as they seem. That perfect PTA mom? Her husband is cheating on her. The perfectly groomed kids? They resent their mom for not watching Little House with them under the covers. I think the best thing we can give our kids (maybe the world) is time and honesty. None of the other stuff matters. Anyway, I love your blog, your book and your unending honesty. Life isn’t pretty, but it is shared. Thank you for being a part of it.
THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me that someone as awesome as you feels EXACTLY like me. I have a good week in the month where I feel like a rockstar. The other three, I feel like I’m failing at life. It’s normal (at least in my circle). We try to build each other up when the others are down, but some days our bad days coincide and all we do is bitch (which is slightly therapeutic too). When I have those down days I try to list as many positive things as I can about my life (of course, then I find ways to negate them because I’m THAT person), but it generally helps. Generally.
100% honesty? I can count the number of days in a year that I feel like a success without running out of fingers. I would love, love, LOVE to be as high as 3-4 per month.
I started typing out everything where you’re not the only one who fails. But now I can’t shut my brain up at exactly how many ways I fail, so I’ll sum up by saying this: If I have one day a month where I feel like i”m making ANY progress in life instead of just going through the zombie motions then it’s a good month. I probably should be on antidepressants or something, but I even fail at getting to the doctor to get help.
I’m going to go crawl into bed and not come out until spring.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to post this exact question on facebook. I “think” it is normal. I hate feeling like this. I can ignore it for stretches of time, but then I make a mistake, or I get behind, or someone says something really intelligent, and I go right back to feeling stupid, slow or incompetent.
I wish I even had days where I felt like an impostor. I am 40, highly intelligent, highly lazy, some college and no job. I suck at interviews, but that is ok because I rarely get them in the first place. I am nannying for a friend while his loser wife is in jail for multiple dui’s (He is far from a loser though). I wish almost daily I would have a heart attack and die, that way my fabulous husband and family would be rid of me and the bad taste I leave in peoples mouth when speaking of me.
You aren’t alone.
My 14 year old daughter has an anxiety disorder which last year rendered her unable to leave the house. With all the misconceptions out there about mental health issues, reading your blog has helped me gain some perspective into what me daughter experiences when she has her panic attacks. How paralyzing they can be; how crippling. But I also get hope from your stories that my DAUGHTER is not alone in her struggles- that there are so many who struggle in this way, and that it doesn’t mean her life is over, but just that we may need to lead her down different paths to help her be successful. (Like blogger or writer, for instance!) I read her your post about this year being our year “in the library”…a year to figure things out. We are hoping to find some answers here. In the meantime, your successes 3 days a month give me HOPE. That, my friend, is a most wonderful gift, and I thank you for it.
Oh Jenny, believe me when I tell you – EVERYONE feels this way, every day, all the time. We all feel like frauds – scared to death that “someone” is going to figure out that we’ve been faking our way through this and revoke our adult card and take our kids away from us.
From the outside, everyone else’s life looks shiny and pretty and pastel and perfect because that’s what we show to the world – we don’t show the dust bunnies and the mold growing on the shower curtain because we don’t want to be judged by those things. But you pick out the most “perfect” person you can think of, and I will guarantee you they have things that they can’t accomplish during the day and they don’t want you to know about. We all do.
Most days, if we can just get through the day and no one is dead because of us, no one has gone hungry because of us and we haven’t cost anyone an enormous amount of money they can’t afford to spend – then it’s been a good day. To end the day with a solid feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction? Well, that would just be icing on the cake.
Really and truly, you’re doing just fine.
OMG I have Imposter Syndrome so bad and for years I had no idea it had a name. I thought it was just ME AND MY WEIRDNESS. Then a counselor/leadership coach told me I have “Imposter syndrome” and it was like a light went off over my head. YES. THAT’S IT. I honestly feel, every day, that at any moment, THEY are going to come up to me and say YOU FRAUD, you know nothing about what you’re doing, GTFO.
Welcome to the club. It’s a good group.
I took an informal poll at our monthly happy hour last night about this post. It was unanimous – we all aspire to have 3-4 days per month where we accomplish things, and we feel pretty bad about the rest of the time. Some of the issues going on in this group of women include dealing with a parent’s failing health; for one woman, dealing with her son’s relationship difficulty and his subsequent custody battle; estrangement from family members due to denial of mental illness and substance abuse (by the other family member, not the participant in happy hour!); a sibling with developmental disabilities; job stress and unhappiness; and more. So it’s not just you. Take what happiness you can find, and remember, there is always someone out there who DOES understand.
First of all… HUGS.
Second, you are not alone. I feel like a winner if I’ve gotten more than 2 showers in a single 7 day period. No, I feel like a winner if I’ve actually gotten that second shower in a single 7 day period. It’s been about a month since I’ve folded laundry. Although, at least half of it is clean. Also, I did a load of dishes today. I feel totally badass in my ability to load the dishwasher.
Some days, I sit and I look at myself and I say, “You should be doing more. Right now. Play a game with your kids. Read a book. Turn off PBS and turn on a grown-up show. Shit, just get off your ass and go outside or something.” And then I don’t. And feel like shit because I don’t. Because it would literally be *so easy to just do it*. I still don’t. WTF is wrong with me?
Again, HUGS.
A whole day of being happy, successful and kick-ass? A day is a very long time. I live my life by hours, some wickedly productive, some sinfully lazy (which I feel guilty about and never truly enjoy in the moment). Sometimes I have that giddy joy that you just want to bottle up and sell for millions of dollars, but more often than not happiness sneaks up on me and never stays very to visit long.
What. I hear from your post most is that you are “shoulding” on yourself. Getting down on yourself for not being a step ford wife. I’ll let you in on a little secret… Your tribe can’t relate to the step ford wives. We can relate to you, warts and all.
Have faith. Pick your battles. Flick your middle finger at the rest. Know you’ve got a tribe who likes you and supports you, especially in surprising moments. And keep plugging away at your book. Every writer (myself included) fears that they will never complete their next book. I’ll send you a copy of my next one… When I finish it. 😉
Dude– I consider a day when I get to the bank a solid win! One errand a day is pretty much all I expect, and frankly, I thought that was the standard. Shit.
This post made me want to cry and to hug you, because from where I am standing (sitting?), you are one of those pastel people. I’m no where near as funny and creative as you are, and you actually finished writing an entire book! I’m still on chapter 1 of the same novel that I started 7 years ago (may be time to admit it isn’t getting published. Or written.). I think the curse of depression (which lies) is that it convinces us that everyone else is better than we are because we look only at the things everyone else does well that we can’t, or don’t even actually want, to do and completely devalue what we do well (for me, this translates to “It’s not so hard– after all, I can do it!). I’ve been working on this thought process for years and have made some progress, but it’s a constant battle.
I don’t really have an answer or a solution, just a thank you for being honest and brave about who you are and how you feel. If everyone revealed themselves the way you do on this blog, we’d probably realize that most adults are secretly hidden piles of festering insecurity. Knowing that you, who I respect and admire, feels this way is oddly helpful. After all, I don’t want you to feel that way because I think you deserve better. Which makes me wonder if there are folks who don’t want me to feel that way because they think I deserve better, and sometimes I can catch a glimpse of the idea that they may be right.
I often feel like this. Some days my biggest accomplishment is feeding the children.
I feel like am really on my A game like maybe like 4 or 5 days a month. I am new at my job (I am a new nurse) and I am forgetting shit all the time. Luckily it paperwork related stuff not like patient care stuff, but I feel like such a failure sometimes. I feel like everyone at work looks at me like “what the hell is she doing here” and “Are you sure that she graduated?”. I actually woke up last night thinking about work and realized that I forgot to do some paperwork and I literally could not go back to sleep. I had to take something to help me sleep, and read a book about zombies in order to get work off my mind. It is miserable feeling like a failure.
Well, first of all, you have so many comments, I couldn’t even get to the end of the list. Second of all, I have felt like you many, many, many times. It wasn’t until now, in my 50’s that I have become a little bit happier. I just realized that today, I don’t remember when I stopped being that person who kept my head down all the time so that I didn’t meet anyone else’s eyes in case they didn’t acknowledge me. I still feel periodically like a bad parent, even though my kids are grown and I have 2 (amazing) grandsons. I still can’t fight back with that insufferable bully I have to share a classroom with, I get so upset when she’s rude that I can’t come back with any witty comebacks :(. Just remember we don’t usually put pictures of ourselves on facebook with our bad haircuts or tell about the fights we have with our husbands. We don’t want the world to see our flaws.
My husband and I both suffer from impostor syndrome too. All the freaking time. And it’s so hard to watch him think so poorly of himself, and so frustrating to watch it get in his way. And yet, on rare days I’m able to catch myself doing the same damn thing. I almost never feel like I’ve succeeded by the end of the day. At best I feel I’ve done a couple things ok, and failed at a ton more. I work at a very prestigious place, and am convinced I don’t belong and got there by luck. To make it worse, everyone else around me seems to be doing it all so well (and, well, they are, because, you know, prestigious place and all), and then my social anxiety adds to it and I just blunder through. Then I get home, and am so excited to see my boys, and some days that gets me through. But other days my oldest is having a rough day and fighting with us over everything and I end up getting mad at him and then feeling like a failure at parenting too.
I think there are a lot of us out there, who are actually doing ok, or even better, and we just can’t see it. So I think you are NOT doing worse than many of us, you just aren’t seeing all our cracks too.
Many of us suffer from imposter syndrome. Since you already know about it, I won’t bore you with my impressions of it. I will offer this book as a possible aid – it helped me a LOT: “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg.” It’s a quick and helpful read on a variety of topics. Suffice it to say that you succeed in making me laugh, smile, think and share with your unique view on the world. I love coming to your site and sharing you with my friends and family. My life would be less on many levels without people like you who make it okay that I collect “psycho animal figurines”, roadkill bones, and other useless crap that makes me happy. Please keep on keeping on, love yourself, even if you feel like you failed, try to focus on your success, and reach out to us to support you when you are down. xo
Oooh, girrrl. I feel you.
On the rare occasion I feel like I’m kicking ass at life, it’s because of some shit I handled at work, plus something like managing to eat a hot dinner with silverware. I do not love my job, but as thankless as it is, it is the only time I feel like I matter or like I’m needed. I’m hermity by nature and assume that when my life flashes before my eyes (as I choke on some jerky alone, right before the cats start to eat me) it’ll all be work and bad tv and internet. And I’ll just think, “Wow, what a fucking waste.”
So you are not alone.
God, this went on for way too long, and it’s probably not even going to add much to what over 3,000 others have already said. So tl;dr is:
Your mental health issues are more numerous and more severe than mine, but you have accomplished way more than I have though I am much older than you and your life is much richer than mine is or was even though I’m from a wealthy family. Also, you help so many people all over the world, it doesn’t matter if your everyday life is usually in disarray. You, as a person, contribute more to the world than most of the people whose lives run like clockwork. If yours did, your light might not shine so brightly for the rest of us.
You can read the rest when you have absolutely nothing else to do. Wishing you the very best, Jenny.
I will be 60 years old in less than a week. Around the 45 year old mark, the feeling that I have wasted my life started taking more and more of a hold in my brain. I grew up wealthy, never had to work while I was raising my 2 daughters as a single parent…didn’t accomplish much of anything.
Since the source of my income died around the new millenium, I would have been much better off if I’d been developing some kind of productive activity before it was absolutely necessary. I don’t have a problem with needing to work for a living, it’s just that the jobs I’d be doing still wouldn’t amount to much against the wasting my life feeling.
Now, as far as I’m concerned, your book automatically takes you out of the “completely” wasted your life column. I know you want to do more, and I believe you will, but you created something that has not only given a lot of people pleasure but it will continue to do so as long as there are copies around somewhere.
A book, especially one that has reached as many people as yours has, is a *lasting* accomplishment. More important, your book makes people laugh. So it continues to add positive impact to this world. To me, that is something huge!
But there’s more.
I do have one thing to cling to, which came to me in a kind of epiphany right after 9/11, so I don’t actually feel like I have “completely” wasted my life, either. I only find it the smallest comfort, but I do sincerely believe in it, and at least it’s something.
While I was still reeling from the horrific expression of hatred that was 9/11, I realized that I had contributed to the world 2 adult human beings who did not automatically hate anyone because of race, religion, culture or anything else. I thought, if more and more of us keep doing that every year, then we must reach a point eventually where there are not enough hate fueled people to launch such attacks eventually, right?
Of course, I’ve always had a tough time with math, but it still didn’t take much to realize that the attacks which killed thousands of people only needed a handful of men to execute. Also, two people is not even a drop in the bucket for a world in which billions of others exist. So then I would get sad again.
Also, I’ve always been a feminist, and I just wasn’t comfortable with the thought that being a mother is my greatest accomplishment. Now, don’t get me wrong. I was a feminist before the word was even coined. And even when the first issue of Ms. magazine came out while I was in college, I believed that feminism included the choice to be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t, at the time, planning on being one myself, but I never looked down on women who made the choice as some of the more militant did.
I always wanted to be a mother. I just also always wanted to do something else. And I haven’t. Yet.
Now, long after my college days have been forgotten, I place a lot more value on my contribution as a mother. One of the most treasured memories in my lifetime is a conversation I had with my younger daughter’s middle school PE teacher. She called me after my daughter had been having problems with another girl at school for several days.
Me: “Adrienne told me that she has no problem whatsoever with the other girl, that she’s only responding, and if the other girl stops being mean to her she won’t be mean either.”
Teacher, lowering her voice because she was calling from a public school phone because cell phones were still too expensive for a teacher to afford: “The other girl says she thinks Adrienne is being mean to her because she’s black.”
Me: “Absolutely not. In fact, I didn’t even know the little girl was black until you just told me. Adrienne never mentioned it to me, it doesn’t mean anything to her. We have lived in a lot of different places all over the country, and we’ve traveled quite a bit. My daughters have been friends with children from all kinds of races, religions and cultures. And I’ve done my best to raise them as free from prejudice as possible.”
I know that all sounds just horribly smug and self-congratulating, and I wasn’t even going to add the last three sentences. But then I realized I had to. Because, you see, the teacher told all of that to the other little girl. And she and Adrienne ended up becoming very good friends. So I love that memory. And I believe that the way I raised my children was very, very important. Because tolerance is one of the most valuable things in this life.
When I see photos of your smiling daughter, I know that she will bring so many important values into this world as an adult, just as I am sure she will touch people positively as a child. Because you and Victor are raising her to be a fierce female, and yet she will also bring the tolerance of someone who has lived with mental health issues.
When she is old enough to vote and the politicians in this country are finally ready to address the need to actively support measures for people with mental disabilities of any kind, Hailey will have a voice to add support. When she encounters peers who are intolerant because of ignorance, she will be there to enlighten them. Though she may not ever actively assume the role of advocate, your living example of fierceness and kindness and tolerance will have made it possible for her to use those traits of her own when opportunities present themselves.
And, finally, let me say that there have been days beyond measure when I have ignored my responsibilities because of fear. Even today, I have been ignoring emails about accounts because I don’t want to think about my financial situation – and my financial situation isn’t even that bad right now, it’s certainly been much worse.
What’s even more stupid is that I’ve been procrastinating for days about doing something regarding a project which will certainly relieve my financial situation somewhat, because I fear the complicated process – even though I know damn well I am more than capable of doing all of it with my eyes closed.
But I just become paralyzed. I can’t do anything except mindless activities, waste my day on Twitter and reading blogs, getting laughs from Texts From Last Night. All things I can do for pleasure once my work is done. But I do it instead of work.
My mental health problems are not severe to the point where I need medication, but they have had a major impact on my life. While you may have more of them, and more severe cases of them, you have still managed to have a much fuller life than I have. You have a great family, you’ve written a great book, you bring joy and solace to so very many people around the world. When you need time to yourself to keep yourself going, to tend to your needs, just take it, Jenny. You deserve it.
Yes, in spite of all that you don’t do, or don’t do to the specifications that others do, what you *do* do is so valuable that you deserve to take whatever time you need to get yourself to where you need to be.
The good news is, when you are 60, you can still feel like there are new worlds to conquer. I thought only special people could still accomplish shit after that age, so it was a pleasant surprise to find out different. Good luck!
OMG – I’m not a Mom, I work more than full time, I keep my house clean almost to the point of obnoxiously so, I work with the disabled and spend most of my days creatively finding ways to do more with less due to budget cuts. I have people tell me all the time how much they envy me and I wonder how they can’t see all of the things I didn’t do or all of the things I did that are less than perfect! I have discovered that if I look at the world a little off kilter from the “norm”, then I can see how everything incomplete or imperfect is usually kinda funny in the right light. If I can laugh, it’s like taking a break from negativity. That’s where you come in. Your view of the world is pretty off kilter and makes me laugh so hard I can’t breathe. I try to be proud of myself on the days I find something to laugh at and successfully share it with others. If I can do that – everything else kinda falls into perspective.
Dearest Jenny,
I really feel like everyone feels the same way you do. I feel just the way you do. I try not to model myself after the lives of the “pretty people” you talk about, and focus on my own goals (though they’re lacking) that will make me more of a complete person. The pretty people you talk about (the PTA moms) is only what you see, and what they choose to put on display for the world to see. I’ll bet if you scratch the veneers of their lives, you’ll find plenty of dirt underneath. They’re probably pros at hiding things so well.
My mother, although she was not a PTA mom (she was a schoolteacher, so that’s even better, right?), was so pro at pretending everything was peachy at home and in her marriage that when she announced she wanted a divorce from my dad after 40+ years of marriage, we were all SHOCKED. She had been miserable for over half the marriage. WTF. I’m still reeling but seeing her happy convinces me she made the best choice for herself. Everything she did was for the kids; she was always last on her own to-do list, which I’m sure she never reached the end of. I just wish she had divorced sooner. Dammit.
My point? Nothing is as peachy as it seems. Really. I don’t bother putting up a front. What you see is what you get, because, honestly? I don’t have the energy to be anything else but me. Little ole me.
I feel the exact same way but I wasn’t even able to articulate it like you have. I feel like you wrote this for me. I wish I knew a solution for this feeling. I have done counseling and medication but it still hangs with me.
So, I realise that a lot of people have commented already but I only just got around to reading this so I’m going to comment too.
I think that people who are creative, writers, bloggers, artists etc. have a tendenct to see themselves as failures (myself included) because we see all the projects that we start and never finish; all those stories we think are going to turn into fantastic novels, but that we ditch after two chapters. But someone once told me that being creative and successful is not about having only good ideas, but about having lots and lots of ideas and knowing which ones have legs and which ones don’t. Even Leonard Cohen, who is one of the most beautiful poets I know, says that writing for him is a process for which we only ever see the stuff that he thought was worth sharing.
In terms of all that other everyday stuff, no one feels like they get what they want done (seriously not a single person I know), it’s not about being a bad person, or about having a mental illness, it’s about having more information about your own life and only having the information about other people’s that they’re willing to share. We’re all trying to project a picture of ourselves that makes us look as successful as possible at being alive.
So, I think that this said what I wanted it to say, I’ve gone a bit rambley, but you are definitely not the only person who feels like this.
I feel like I kicked ass maybe about a week out of every month, and I feel like I do the bare minimum to live a lifestyle that’s not quite up to what I know I could accomplish without much more effort. So that makes me feel like a failure a lot of the time. What makes me feel the worst is not trying.
I make myself more successful by starting things in a very small way.
Something that is working for me against writer’s block is to just open a document and start typing gibberish. Or open a notebook and start moving the pen on the page. Sooner or later, my brain starts making words, and then maybe I’ll have a sentence. Or a document saved with a name. Or a line added to an invoice before I even start the work. A few minutes of mindlessly starting something. That’s it. It’s helped me immensely in the past month, and I feel much more successful. I heard about it on a podcast and then just starting trying for a few minutes every time I felt frustration. A lot of the time, it doesn’t spur me on to do any more, but at least I’ve gotten just a few minutes done.
I think it helps me to feel accomplishment because of the sense of control. I might not feel like I can write a whole article, but I can certainly open and save a document. Often it gives me the kick start to get going, but when it doesn’t, I still get that small feeling of accomplishment that shows I’ve succeeded at something, even if it’s stupidly small.
You are not alone. Every day I try to remind myself that everyone has their shit. Most everyone puts their best foot forward when they see someone, or have someone over to their house. They clean, they are polite, they don’t let the monsters in their head do the talking. I know I do. I’ll be falling apart and my house will feel like a pit but I will be polite, say nice things, and clean the house if I have time before they come. But I have to believe that everyone else is putting on their game face to me, and I don’t see the shit, the tears, the feeling like a failure every minute of the day. I believe that because I have to believe I am a human being just like them, and they are doing the same thing. Like. every. one. else. Like you. Like my friend Mary. Like my sister Jennifer. People I love and adore and who have crappy shit in their lives, but still look like they have it together to the outside world. You are another sister, sister. Just like the rest of us. I hear you. And you are not alone.
And I’ve never, ever, written on a blog post. So there. You’ve inspired a new connection.
I had a very high pressure job in sales. I lucked out so many times on sales, the people were going to buy anyway, it wasn’t because of my sales ability. My luck was incredible. I got all these awards, & I made so freakin’ much money it was shameful. It lasted about 2 years. I felt like such a fake. I knew that any minute, I was going to be exposed. My bosses loved me, they promoted me, the Vice President’s loved me & I just got accolades at every turn. Sickening! I felt great for a week or two but then I always felt like my fraud would be exposed. I was dying to be promoted into a position where I didn’t have to sell anymore. And thank god, I got a job as a sales manager. I am a great coach of people, I can help them, cheer them on, and educate them on how to do the job, but I can’t do it myself. Crazy. But now I am finally in a good place and I don’t feel like a fake or a fraud.
I work from home half time and sometimes on Fridays I wake up and ask myself, holy shit, when is the last time I showered? (And if you have to ask when you last showered, it is time to shower). Every night I go to bed and just create lists of everything I didn’t get done that day, all the stuff I need to get done, and all the things I did half-assed. If I can make it through the day without staining my clothes at meal time, pissing someone off with a thoughtless comment or bruising myself, I generally count the day as a WIN. And then I feel bad that, by necessity, I’ve set the bar for a win so low and wonder how I can give myself a complete personality transplant.
Dear Bloggess, One of the most profund things anyone ever said to me was a comment from my godfather, who is of course, older than I am, i.e. 70+. We were having an unusually epic phone conversation, when normally we’re limited to,”Your godmother will tell you if we can have dinner Saturday” when not face-to-face. I was questioning why I constantly felt driven, as though there was a perpetual “ought,” some imperative out there I had not met, as though no matter what I did I was not living up. Here is what he conked me on the head with: “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe people like us are not constituted to be ecstatically happy all the time?”
OMG, I am 45 and still processing that one. But, damn, he’s right. Think about it, and fuck the shiny people, they got no sense of perspective.
I Feel that way about half the time. And when I do, i remind myself that Even if I suck at everything else, I still walk reasonably well on two feet, which is more advanced than 90% of the other lifeforms out there. I know it’s a weird thing to take satisfaction in, but it’s nice to know that no matter how much I suck at life, I can’t actually unevolve and be as bad at life as an amoeba 🙂
You are not alone. And you writing this makes me feel so less alone you have no idea. I function on a daily basis, that’s about all I can say about myself for the last 4 years when I started on a downward spiral on total and complete unhappiness for no apparent reason. Which by the way totally SUCKS!! I hate feeling like I have so much going for me and should be so damn happy but I’m not. It’s an awful feeling. I have a boyfriend who God bless him puts up with my shit on a daily basis, 2 beautiful, smart, wonderful, loving daughters, a job I actually like, and some pretty good friends. So what the hell is my problem? It’s frustrating and debilitating all at once. I curl up on the couch for about 2 weeks every month and cry. Sometimes I change it up and move to my bed but it takes a lot of energy and sometimes I just don’t have it.
I’m horrible at accepting compliments as well. It’s the one thing my therapist focused on the most when I actually had the money to go see a therapist. I say a lot of “thanks but…” followed by some reason why whatever the compliment was isn’t really true. I’m pretty good a slapping a fake happy smile on my face, too. It’s how I get through my work day. I suppose I should be proud of that.
Regardless, you are most definately not alone. Especially since I am comment number three thousand something. You have a wonderful way of making me feel less alone, like there are more people out there that feel like I do and have issues like I do. You also make me laugh. A lot. When I really really need it. So thank you for that.
On paper, I am *motherfucking awesome* – grad student, activist, volunteer. I lived in Africa for 2.5 years to start HIV support groups and income circles for women whose husbands left them when they got AIDS. I’ve presented research at conferences, keynoted symposiums, and had total strangers write me letters about how empowered they felt after talking to me.
In real life? I’m an imposter. Probably an asshole. Definitely felt that way when, last week, my best friend broke down in tears and told me basically what a buzzkill I was when I talk about my true self, and it made him not want to share honestly with me. I have no diagnosis, never have, but the last time I felt like a good person … March 15.
Today I was waiting for a bus when a non-creepy guy told me I looked nice. I felt lovely for 30 seconds until I realized he was a canvasser trying to get me to donate to Greenpeace and was talking about how my outfit matched the unseasonable weather.
So yeah.
But you, Jenny, are the real McCoy, and please don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. I wish I could hug you. You make me happy.
I hate commenting so late in the chain of comments, because I don’t know if it’ll ever be read, but everything you’ve said reminds me of me, so I can at least vouch for the fact that I can relate.
This year my daughter started 1st grade, and just before school started I had a late night breakdown about the fact that I knew I was going to fail somehow at being an acceptable mother, that somehow all my flaws and shortcomings would be glaringly obvious to everyone, and my daughter would be singled out all because I forgot to brush her hair, or I forgot her lunch, or her clothes weren’t clean.
This is not the first time this has happened. I can be too busy, sick, or tired to clean, but that doesn’t stop me from noticing the pet hair on the carpet, the dishes in the sink, the junkmail on the counter, and feeling like a failure. I can bust my ass filling out paperwork, and signing forms, and getting bills paid ON TIME, like an ADULT, but I still feel like someone’s going to check up on it and declare me a fraud. I look at my life and the shiny TIME magazine cover model, seeing all these women who have jobs AND kids AND spotless homes, or at the very least they have twice as many kids and yet still manage to make THE MOST elaborate beautiful craft projects every holiday, and deliver them with nicely styled hair, makeup in place, and clothing that fits and coordinates with their shoes.
I will never be that woman. or those women. I will never be Martha Stewart, or Wall Streets top woman, I may never get published, and my house is only clean about 5 days out of the year. But I know that when I am too worried about my failings to enjoy time with my kids, or if I just stop seeing the point in getting out of bed, or when I lie awake at night obsessing about how many loads of laundry I could get done if I could just remember to set a timer… That’s when I need to adjust my meds.
Being sad when something bad happens is normal, having a few bad days is normal, but feeling like I do when things get bad… The fear that you’re disappointing someone, the need to analyze every word someone says to make sure they aren’t secretly resentful, the endless ache of feeling like no matter how you try, or how many people help you, that you just won’t ever be GOOD enough. That’s the depression, the anxiety, the fucked up voice in your head that needs to be silenced. I’m lucky in that I usually have the abilty to self-check myself before things get bad. I can tell by how often I DON’T leave the house, or how often I apologize to others, or how much sleep I’m able to get.
You shouldn’t feel bad all the time. You shouldn’t feel like a failure. I hope you can find meds that work, that get you to feeling better, and help you climb back out of the hole. Depression turns everyday life into a prison inside your head, so don’t ever stop fighting. You’re wonderful and you deserve to live life feeling better.
Good luck. I have faith in you.
Can I ask a serious question? It’s okay if you don’t answer because I think I’m about the 3164th person to comment so how would you even have time to see this, but just in case… Okay, my question is how did you get people to give you a proper diagnosis for your mental illness(es)? I feel almost exactly the way you describe in this post NEARLY ALL THE TIME but when I’ve talked to (numerous) doctors, shrinks and neurologists, they seem to stare at me blankly and then ask me variations of the same question, “Aren’t you worried you’re being a bad mother? You can’t wallow like that and be a good mother.”
Seriously WTF? Anyway, it makes me feel incredibly alone but then I read posts like yours and you’re describing exactly how I feel, like I’m barely treading water and that even though I’m not a bad person I’m not great at being a person (I’ve used almost that exact phrase actually). So then I think maybe neither of us are really alone. I guess.
Sigh. I’m sorry. I don’t think I was very helpful.
I don’t think I suffer from depression. I’m usually looking at the positive side of things, even when things go bad. BUT, I really feel like I am a failure at all things. Seriously. I’m 50+ pounds overweight, twice stupid enough to get married, failure of a mother to 2 kids (one with extreme social anxiety disorder who cut herself over the summer but is currently away at college crying that she wants to come home every night, the other who doesn’t realize he can’t talk about plastic guns getting thru metal detectors at school. Both with Asberger’s which is hereditary. It is me, or their dad. I like to blame him but I can’t be certain.) I teach in a very poor district because I don’t feel like I’m good enough to teach to Honor’s level kids. Married to an alcoholic, will probably never have enough $$ to own my house outright, owner of 2 dogs – 1 who has bitten over 8 people (& very surprised what $200 will cover in medical fees/pain & suffering when attorney’s aren’t involved). I have an ex who tells me 3x a week that I was a worthless wife & I’m a worthless mother. BUT, I’m still positive. I think some people are just naturally happy (me) & some naturally are depressed. My life sucks, but I love my life (most of the time), suck-i-ness & all. Maybe I’m in denial, or maybe I’m just use to chaos that I don’t know better.
I don’t think you’re special, not in a you’re not special you suck kind of way but in a way that most people (apparently 80% of the population) have anxiety and I’m sure a high percentage feel depression at one point.
I work at a brewery 4 days of the week and even when I get all my work done I get home and I really don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. It sucks but I think that’s just the way it is for most people.
And those people with their pastel lives, don’t worry about them, they’re fucked up too. Just two weeks ago, one of those people that looks so happy on their blog and on Facebook killed themselves so I guess what people show you or how you perceive them isn’t reality. Live your life, stop being so hard on yourself because in the end, it’s all petty shit.
You are NOT alone. I look back over my life and I think the only thing I ever did that turned out well is my son. And I can’t take the credit for that because I sure wasn’t the best Mom out there. I don’t know how it happened, but he turned out to be a pretty good kid. I just don’t seem to be able to get the energy or the interest in cleaning my house and even in my career I don’t feel all that successful. I know I’ve done some good things, but overall, I still feel like a failure. I did fail at being management, and I feel like a failure at being middle management and I’m definitely not the best at what I do. And I’ve failed at all the relationships I’ve ever had. And I DON’T have any (at least diagnosed) mental illnesses. So, if I feel this way without them, then those of you do have them – well, I think it’s maybe natural. There seem to be a lot of us feeling this way. I think part of our problem is that we’re judging others by the public presentation they put forth. At the same time, we’re judging ourselves by the private presentation we see — nobody else (or very few others anyway) see our private selves. It’s time to turn the mirror around and start feeling more like the public presentation we put forth! It’s time for ME to find the inspiration and make some changes. Good luck to you, Jenny.
Yep. This was exactly my week. I keep waiting for things to just fall apart to the point where I can’t pretend to be a functional human anymore. But I always manage to do enough to eke out another week, or another month.
Bear with me for a bit. Ok, a long bit.
Little boys and girls quickly discover that anything-that-stains on anything-that-can-be-stained = art. Give them crayons and a white sheet of paper, poop and a wall, or food and a table and they’ll make art out of it. You don’t need to prompt them, you don’t need to tell them what to do. They don’t care about the value of the pristine things they’re painting on versus the value of their toddler doodles. Fast forward a few years and you’re doing art assignments per instructions: applying techniques you were taught, told to draw certain things, or work around a given subject. Not so bad. You learn to make whatever you think the teacher is expecting if you want a good grade. Fast forward a few more years and if you’re given total liberty on what kind of art to make out of what, with absolutely no restriction on the theme, technique, or materials, you’re more likely than not stumped. In my case (and maybe others’) it’s a matter of being too afraid to cut into the first bit of wood until you have an idea and a technique that will justify modifying that perfect block into something that’s not crap but, in fact, better. You can buy expensive water colors and then be afraid to use them in a crappy painting, “What a waste!”, no?
Well, it got me thinking: what would you do if you were given a blank sheet of paper and were told to return the exact same one (assume some magic technology makes it possible to identify the one that was given to you) in a year. You’re allowed to do anything you like with your sheet of paper, including losing it. There’s no reward if you give it back and there are no instructions other than “Show up in a year with your piece of paper or your reason for not having it with you.” After considering this for myself and asking a few friends, these are the possible outcomes I’ve come up with:
– You don’t care about the paper so you toss it in the next trash can (or recycling bin, if you’re eco-friendly). Come the end of the year, you just point out the paper had no use for you and there was no reward to make a difference.
– You use the blank sheet of paper for whatever (shopping list, homework, removing gum from your shoe) and then lose it/throw it away. Why waste a perfectly good piece of paper?
– You keep your piece of paper wherever but try not to lose it because you feel like you have to return it. If you lose it, you feel a bit embarrassed but explain what happened. If you return it, chances are you’re giving back a dirty, creased, and possibly broken piece of paper.
– You take especially good care of your paper, make sure it doesn’t get stained, folded, creased or modified in any way. You intend to return it in pristine condition because that’s how it was given to you.
– You do something nice with your piece of paper. Origami, papier maché, you write a poem on it, you make a hat out of it, anything nice. You keep it, because it was nice, and maybe attempt to give back any other blank sheet of paper at the end of the year. You fail at cheating.
– You do something nice with your paper. Something nice you give to someone else (maybe you were just amusing a 5 year old by making a paper crane).
– You attempt to do something nice with your paper and fail miserably. You get fat from the fries you were eating all over it, your pen spills on it and you sit on it by accident. You pretend you lost it to avoid handing in your failure.
– You do something nice with your paper and turn it in, no questions asked. You just felt like making more out of your piece of paper and then didn’t mind giving it away.
– You try to make something out of your paper, fail along the way, and mend it until you’re happy with it before turning it in.
– You try to turn your piece of paper into a paved road and fail. You’re too ashamed to even explain how you failed so hard at making a road.
The blank sheet of paper is a metaphor. Sorry if it didn’t make any sense.
I hear you. I go through phases of “I’m achieving shit! I am an adult! I’m on tiger blood, bitches!” and phases of “I suck, i fail at everything, i don’t accomplish anything. Whoops i just failed to accomplish another thing while i was being depressed about that other thing. Fuck me.” I find it helpful to set really really small goals. I showered today = success. I ate a meal made of actual food = success. i did 10 minutes of exercise = success. It might sound like you’re kidding yourself but you don’t HAVE to do any of those things, so each one is an achievement.
I read about the ‘jar metaphor’ for life and recently tried to figure out what my ‘golf balls’ are. The big things that you want to make the most room for. For me its; time with my partner, time and care for myself, time for my friends, and making a positive impact on the people around me. For you I’m guessing time with your daughter ranks highly too. Knowing this makes it easy to separate the ‘golf balls’ from the ‘gravel’. I spent an hour in the hammock playing the ukulele and didn’t do the dishes? That was a successful day. My partner and i watched zombie movies together and i forgot to get my car serviced? That was a successful day. I didn’t make any progress on a project but i sent an e-mail to let someone know i’m inspired by them and i love them? Good day. Oh sure the other stuff needs to get done at some point, it’s just not the most important. It’s gravel. When you figure out what’s really important in your life and judge yourself by that standard it’s really easy to succeed. Stop looking at other people’s ‘jars’.
The other thing i do, is when the ‘i suck, fuck me’ mentality strikes, “time and care for myself” goes to priority number one. Don’t feel like working out? Don’t. Want to eat that whole block of chocolate? Do it. I can’t do anything else until i get my brain working properly again and the quickest way to do that is to roll with it and accept that this week/month I’m going to feel like shit and not achieve anything. Fighting it just seems to drag it out, when i’m gentle to myself i get better quicker.
I decided to take a week off while my husband was out of town so I could organize closets and wash and iron the table linens from Christmas dinner 2011, and finally plant the perennials in the flower garden that I have neglected all summer and is over grown with weeds. I had all these visions of getting up early and digging in to all these projects that have been hanging over my head for so long. Then the week off finally came and I had no energy to tackle all of these tasks that have been draining my energy by their very existence. So it is their fault I couldn’t seem to get anything done! I had lots of excuses and blamed it on the heat, etc. This was two weeks ago and I still feel the guilt of a “wasted” week. So today, who knows where I got the energy, I spent the afternoon deep cleaning my office. It feels really good in here, but now my back hurts and thank goodness the drinking hours are upon us, as another poster put it.
I guess I am simply validating YOU and your experience at this moment, whatever it is; working on your next book or overdosing on S’mores, it is your perfect moment to just rest in gratitude that you are surrounded by so much love, even if it is on the internets! (yes, spell check, this is a word!)
I just finished your book and you really did an amazing job at making me laugh and giggle and chuckle, because I feel like you do in so many ways. I just discovered you from your book and wonder where you have been all my life!?! Thank you for showing us what a precious gift vulnerability is.
Much love,
Deborah
3194 comments already: that should tell you something. I haven’t read them, but in a sense, I don’t need to, because I know with absolute certainty that every single person said, “You are not alone.” I probably have one or two days a month when I feel like a competent adult — the rest of the days? If I manage to keep myself clean, clothed, and fed, that’s about all I can manage. And I’ve been in the workforce for 32 years now, full-time, with no breaks in employment. I make a decent salary, I pay my bills on time, I give to charity, blah blah blah, but I still feel like a fraud. Each morning when I wake up, I wonder if today is going to be the day when I crash and burn, when I walk out of this seemingly normal life and get lost in the wilderness of self-loathing. I am not in therapy, take no medication, and don’t even drink. I’m sure there are thousands like me.
Jenny, I’m sorry I didn’t run across your post until today. I think what you’re feeling is natural. I know what writers block is like, too. I’ve had it for about ten years. I struggle to put words down, and those that make it through the wall get obliterated by my inner critic until I feel shame over what I’ve written. So I get it. Mostly I just try to change my definition of perfection…in fact, screw perfection all together. I know I won’t please everyone. (Family and bosses judge me constantly and fill me with such anxiety. The rest of the anxiety comes from my too high expectations.) Mostly I’m just trying to be in the present, lower the expectation level, and avoid those situations that make me feel worse. I try to celebrate the good days (3 days a week if I’m lucky), surround myself with the things that give me joy (reading, good movies, quilting, writing when I can), and avoid the things that bring me down (my bosses when possible, depressing movies, the news, my family.) It’s the only way I know how to cope when it gets bad. I hope you’re feeling better soon!
Nope. Not alone. I have a handful of good days per month. My husband and mother are both ill, and they suck the life out of me. I deal with depression, anxiety, and ADD. I also seem to jump into crap I think will augment my life, but just adds complication and more feeling like shit.
I hear ya! Scrolling to the bottom of this page was the most I accomplished today, and I worked 9 hours! You know what makes me feel better and remember to breath sometimes?
This:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…
Mostly for the “Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. ” line. Because I’m a dork and I’ve learned to accept and embrace that.
I think you just nailed it–the bar is too damn high in all sorts of ways, and mostly in ways that really don’t matter in the end. I’m at least 10 years, yes, YEARS, behind at work, and there are boxes from my move into this house 13 yrs ago that I have no idea of what is in them. I have good intentions of sorting and pitching and organizing and cleaning, then I just look at it all and say, “fuck it” and go read a book or take a nap or whatever. All those shiny people? Fakes for the most part…at least in my experience. They almost ALWAYS have some sort of dark secret and just present a facade to the world–think how much energy that would require! Ugh. I do think your depression and anxiety color your impressions of yourself and your world, but you do amazing things for people just by being honest about it all. You give people a safe place to voice their deepest doubts and fears and to not feel alone. That, my friend, is no small task and is worth infinitely more than picnics and PTA and all that stuff. Because, in the end, none of us get out of this life alive, and if you’ve made the ride a little lighter or truer or easier for even one person, you are a success. Love and kindness and integrity and compassion are what matter—and you demonstrate all of them. Peace.
I look like I have my act together, but it’s just an act. I’ve been divorced two years, and old habits are hard to break. My ex would get ANGRY if the house wasn’t in order or laundry done correctly – all kinds of stuff would set him off. I spent my marriage trying to be perfect so he wouldn’t get mad. SO, don’t worry too much about people who look like their life is perfect. It’s not.
By the way, my mother used to read Peg Bracken’s books, like I Hate to Housekeep, and I Hate to Cook (with great chapter titles like “Potluck: How to bring water for the lemonade.” I remember reading never to judge other women because you don’t know if their husbands are Little Napoleons. I think being honest is better!
It’s so not just you! I haven’t shaved in 3 days, ate a sugar cookie for dinner and took a 3 hour nap after work. Instead of getting the hose and sprinkler out tonight I just turned the faucets on outside and let it run down the yard. I dont answer my phone 90% of the time and just text people back, because talking is exhausting sometimes. Life is hard and we are all trying to do the best we can. I did not eat anyone today, so we are both winning!
Even the most together people feel like they’re failing at life most days. They just have the ability to put on a better mask. Trust me, I’m friends with a few. And some days I wonder what the hell they’re doing being friend with me. I am 35 & single, practically a hermit, and am even self conscious when I’m with my closest friends. Yes, I’ve managed to get a decent education, and a decent job, but most days I feel like a fuck-up. The days I don’t, I think it’s because I’m too distracted to think about how lousy a job I’m doing at life. And the only thing that keeps me from crying all the time is my antidepressant. And even then, I eat to numb the pain/sadness/loneliness/whatever else I’m trying to avoid feeling that day. I have minor medical issues (migraines, as well as a couple of other issues)–nothing life threatening, but they sure do exacerbate the self-pity/self-loathing.
Despite all of this, the other day, a woman I’ve never met approached me in the grocery store, impressed by how put together & organised I was.
I don’t know if my point is that we’re all able to fool someone, or no matter how shitty one’s doing at this life stuff, there’s always someone out there who aspires to be doing as well as you are. Either way, I know that I’m constantly impressed with all that you manage to do in your everyday life, and that you share with the rest of us. So, when you’re feeling low, like a failure, or whatever else has you down, you have a cheering section of hundreds of thousands of people in your corner.
3 or 4 days a month is about right for me, too. and the compliments making you feel like a fraud – so me, too. also, I’m 56 yo and I have never understood how those perfect people are never adversely effected by anything.
I think this is about comment number 4 hundred million so, you’ll probably never read it. But, oh well, what the hell. I’m a single mom so I do a lot of different things, I work so we have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear,you know, for all of life’s necessities. I blog because I need a creative outlet. I decorate and organize shit because everything else, this world, my life, my fucking job (that I hate with a white hot passion), feel so out of control that the only thing I can control is what’s within the four walls of my house. And it’s not great. My closet and my garage are basically one big chaotic cluster fuck. I have this illusion that one day, I’ll get rid of all the crap and organize the remaining crap, buy the perfect pillows to put on my couch, paint my walls the color of the month, and everything will be perfect and I’ll be able to sit on my ass, take a breath and just relax and enjoy RIGHT NOW. Then, I remember that perfect doesn’t exist, that there’s always going to be crap in my house (mostly because I keep buying it and brining it in), that I spent way too fucking much money on pillows that I’m not even sure I love for my couch and my walls are still beige. So, I try to sit on my ass anyway and try to look past the crap, the way too expensive pillows and the beige walls and breathe and just enjoy right now, but I can’t because the crap, the pillows and the beige walls are driving me fucking nuts! What the hell is my point? I’m never happy with anything I do, never happy with any of the decisions I make, that usually took a long time and a lot of angst to make anyway. That i do a lot of stuff but I do it all badly. That i’m an ok mom, but a lousy friend, a lousy worker, a lousy daughter, a lousy aunt, a lousy sister. Shit. I am just. Fucking. Lousy! That is how I feel most of the time. Fucking Lousy. I might have 3-4 days a month where I feel like i’m kickin’ ass, gettin’ shit taken care of, scheduling doctor’s appointments, clearing out crap, organizing crap, calling my friends, writing good blog posts, and making good decisions. But, they don’t last. Then, I go back to being indecisive, unproductive, procrastinating, depressed and overwhelmed. Barely keeping my head above water. That’s how I feel most days. Like I’m drowning in my own life.
I used to feel pretty good, and accomplished most of the time-I got into a good college, I was on top of my homework, I understood most of math class, I was having a fun time with friends, I somehow managed to get an internship. This past six months have been different, though. I’ve been diagnosed with a couple different things lately, in terms of mental illness. But currently, if I manage to eat one halfway decent meal and hold a conversation with someone for more than five minutes, I’m pretty happy with myself. I can attend class and enter data at work all I want, but summoning up some appetite is a struggle. Trying to be patient with myself for feeling tired, when I’m sick of being tired, when it feels like I’ve been tired for six months straight (even though I know it’s not true), is really hard. I’m really very glad that you and Allie of Hyperbole and a Half and Wil Wheaton and other bloggers I’ve been encountering are being open and sharing your experiences, because it’s made it less terrifying for me to experience this huge change in what normal means for me.
so. another comment that might or might not get read, but I feel the need to post. meh.
” I can’t help but think that if people looked closer they’d see the cracks and the dirt….”
but that’s IT! that’s the reason that you aren’t some cookie cutter, put together, I own and use a swiffer kinda gal. that’s the reason that people like me, can say, “hey, that’s ME (only without the audience)”.
successful days a month? hey, every day I get out of bed is successful. everything else is icing. stay in bed all day? great, I saved 1/8 a load of laundry by not getting dressed. justification? sure. honest? you bet your bippy betty.
the successful I understand you meant? if I get a couple, it’s a good month. but it’s almost like a manic/depressive thing (which I get, got, can’t get rid of cause it’s what I am). when it’s good, it’s amazing. it surpasses expectations (which isn’t hard when you celebrate shaving your legs). it doesn’t outweigh the other days, but it’s bigger. it doesn’t cancel out the realization that you have cobwebs older than your kids, and it doesn’t make up for them, but they are THERE. quality over quantity. and sometimes quality is not only making it to the bank, but having a good hair day ON THE SAME DAY! *gasp*
anyone can have the perfect life (even if it’s just from someone else’s perspective). but not anyone can muddle through it, not just knowing the struggle, living the struggle and standing (okay, leaning) against the struggle, but admitting it, finding a way to come to peace with it and owning it. now, sometimes we can’t own it when it’s there, but we can.
pta mom? clean floors? change the furnace filters how often?? endless flow of perfectly punctuated phrases (for the win, thank you)? shopping carts that don’t veer hard to the east? dry clean only??? pshhhhhaw. I raise my kids right. they know i love them and would rather teach them about real life by showing them that life isn’t easy, even for the best of us, and for most of us, it’s downright ugly, unfair and it’s not how many time or how long you’re down. it’s the fact that deep down, you know you’ll get back up… eventually. that and that benydryl is a godsend.
you’re not alone. you know that. and I know it doesn’t help when you feel you are, and even when you know you aren’t.
**I’m on a semi strict no capital letter policy at the moment. just too much trouble. I know you get it.
ka mai
Jenny, every day of my life I have seen disturbing visions of self harm and yet I am still alive. I am terrified of other people and yet I have a family and friends. I rarely feel joy yet I celebrate the good around me. I have difficulty breathing yet I play with my two young boys. Our souls are stronger than our minds and bodies and yours shines bright. We are damaged and we are strong enough to overcome it. It doesn’t matter how many successful days in a month we have as long as we have those days. I have one, maybe two per month when I can feel proud of what has been accomplished. And on the dark days I have those few good days to hold on to.
Love, Alisha
Holy shitsnacks! Is impostor syndrome a real thing?! I totally have that. For years I’ve had the same nightmare that I’m really successful in class/at my job but really it’s a big big fake fake lie that’s about to be exposed. Some of the time in my waking hours I can convince myself that really I actually am a fairly successful adult human being, that I’ve earned good grades in school and performed well at my job because I’m reasonably intelligent and have done an appropriate amount/quality of work, but a lot of the time I’m pretty well convinced that I’ve somehow managed to pull off this elaborate fraud. Like I haven’t learned a damn thing in any class I’ve ever taken and that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing at work, but somehow I’ve managed to cover it well enough that other people think I have my shit together. Clearly, you are not alone and I’m not either.
Not just you babe. Today happened to be an “awesome” day for me and this is what I did:
Took kid to school on time
Took a much needed nap
Showered (even shaved and washed my hair!)
Went to work 1/2 day (I’m a substitute teacher)
Helped kid do homework (not due til Monday!)
Ate McDonald’s for dinner
Went out for frozen yogurt with hubs and kiddo
Went to the store to pick up a few things (got everything with no extras, that is amazing)
Got kid ready for bed
Watched a movie in bed with hubs and kid
I didn’t do anything extraordinary and tomorrow I could do the same thing and feel like a failure.
I find my son tells me the things I need to know at the right times and sometimes all I need to do is ask.
Yesterday I asked him what made me important and he replied “cuz your my mom and you love me”
Not working, not cooking or cleaning, just love. And when I asked what made him feel love, he said “when you give me hugs and kisses” not the stuff I give him or the places I take him or whatever. So I try (key word here) to remember that it doesn’t matter that I’m almost a mom of 2 with no degree and no real job and I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20, because I’d rather spend time at home with my kiddo than work til 6 pm everyday and basically come home to get them ready for bed.
Generally I feel like I fail at life cuz of various different things. I haven’t accomplished anything really except giving birth to my son, managing not to accidentally maim or kill him (so far) and that I am still living myself. My list of one accomplishment ends with my senior yr of high school. I dream of being successful in something so my son(s) can be proud of their mom, but if I’m not, I try to remember that I am successful at being mom.
Hope this helps (if you get to it and if you don’t that is OK too) I know just responding helped me a little more to be confident in me.
As far as feeling successful at being a human being, I think you need to find a metric to measure that success that feels meaningful to you. How often you post on your blog, how often you write for your new book, how many words per day you write, how many boxes from the last move you unpack… these are all ways to measure activity. But are they really measures of success? Maybe a better metric would be how many lives you have affected in a positive way. By that measure you are wildly successful as a human being. You, and the community you have founded around your corner of the internet, have been responsible for uplifting countless people’s lives. Whether it’s something as simple and profound as reminding people that depression lies, or as complex and whimsical as a traveling red dress.
So I’m probably just wife#infinity to comment but – working full time with two babies and Pinterest showing you all the amazing things you could ever want to do if only there were more than 24 hours in a day is enough to make anyone feel like a failure before you get out of bed! i dont set many lofty expectations. The sun comes up every morning. My kids wake us up with their voice, happy and healthy. We have jobs and a roof and food in the fridge. So A+. And trying to measure up to these people who “do it all” is insane. I think you are a great mom/wife because you obviously care – you work hard because you obviously care. The worst thing anyone can be Indifferent. We never know what people leave in the mornings and go back to at the end of the day. So yes, you ARE normal. Because if any one person had all this career/family/finances/perfection figured out I’d sure like to see them raise their hand.
How many days do I feel like I kicked ass or was generally successful? None. I suffer from anxiety and the past few months have been one gaping anxious hole that has sucked me in. I am fighting against it, but it is hard and most days, just existing is enough. I frequently have thoughts where I understand why people end it all, but I’m not suicidal at all. Just saying that I get it, I get why people come to a point where they’re like “Why struggle anymore, to hell with this!” Again, not personally suicidal, but I get it.
Mental illness takes a lot of energy. A LOT. What I have been doing lately is contemplating getting back on the drugs for one thing. I had to stop taking them due to a side effect, but given how shitty things have been recently, I’ve decided the side effect is worth living with if I can feel halfway normal. That is my standard now – halfway normal would be a vast improvement over current conditions. Second thing is just realizing that where I’m at is OK. It is really OK to just coast for awhile until I can get my meds back on track and get my mind in a good place. May take some time, but I’m just going to give myself a break until I get there.
Jenny,
I spent most days this week sticking my toddler son in front of movies on TV (2 back to back) while trying to snooze on the couch as dog hair formed tumbleweeds in my living room. (I work second shift, go to bed by 3 a.m. and my son gets up by 6.) My bathroom lacked toilet paper, but instead of replenishing it from a supply closet downstairs, I re-used whatever I could find in the overflowing trash. Needless to say, I didn’t even make it to shower, much less the bank. People who make perfectly decorated 6-layer cakes and brag about them on Pinterest are doing it to cover up the fact that they can’t. handle. the. truth, and they’re trying to distract you, and themselves from that unpleasant little nugget. You feeling badly about yourself is directly proportional to them feeling good about themselves.
It’s not just you hon. We are all pretending we know what we are doing. Each and every person on the planet is faking it, including Presidents, Premiers, Prime Ministers ( why do all the top spots start with Pr?).
By nearly everyone’s accounting I am both incredibly productive and successful. Do I feel that way? NO! Don’t be silly. I know I’m just faking it, making it up as I go along, and trying really hard not to fuck things up for other people, too much. For all that, I’m actually only productive between 10 PM and 2 AM maybe once a week. The really weird thing is that apparently that is more often than most people. My 16 to 20 productive hours in a month are more than most other people can accomplish. Crazy, but there it is. The rest of my time I spend worrying about, and beating myself up for – not being able to turn that productive me on and off. NOt to be able to do it every day instead of once of week.
Srsly, you’re not actually different than the rest of us. You might jut be a little – OK, a lot – more in your head about it than we appear to be. I think that it’s possible that that is because being in your head is sorta what you do, out loud ,for a living, that makes it seems that way.
My boss gave me a promotion from head of the payroll department to firm manager. I feel like an absolute fraud every day now, I feel like I have no fucking idea what I’m doing anymore and I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. No one else notices which is good I guess.
You guys here help me feel like I’m not alone with this. Like maybe I can handle it, that I’m really not doing as badly as I feel I’m doing. So thanks.
I think i may have just fallen in love. A friend just asked me, literally 35 seconds ago, if I’d ever read you and I hadn’t so I looked you up. I am going to answer you here and then start reading your archives until I fall asleep on my keyboard probably. 😉
I have struggled with depression my whole life. I only realized it was depression in my late twenties and I didn’t seek professional help until my early thirties. Damn the stigma anyway! I was on meds about a month and could tell they were working. Then my life fell apart but I knew I could keep it together because the worst of it all was being treated. Then a year later things started to falter again so we upped my dosage and I stabilized within days. Just over another year from there, which puts us about 3 months ago, I realized something was wrong. Here is what I realized. I remember how I felt before meds. For me depression has always been much more an incredibly overpowering and deep feeling of apathy. I’m not sad, I just don’t give a shit. about anything. The only shit I can muster to give is to keep my job so I can keep my apartment and stay out of my mom’s basement. Anything beyond that is more than I can handle. But when the meds are working I do care. Even on my bad days I can function well and get extra things done. So, this spring when I realized I was spending most of every night after work thinking “I don’t care. I just don’t care. I don’t give a shit!” on a near endless loop, I knew something had shifted again. That has become my point of reference. I am still in deep pain grieving the death of my father 2 years ago and trying to figure out what the hell to do with this Faith that seemed so sure and certain before his death and most of my life is not what I want it to be and I spend way too much time thinking “this isn’t how it was supposed to be.” But as long as I’m feeling and as long as I’m going to the gym and as long as I’m keeping my house reasonably clean and reading books and spending time with friends, I know the meds are working.
As for feeling like I kicked ass … In a good mont I might have 7-14 days of that, but that is kind of a stretch cause I don’t know that I ever feel like I kicked ass. But I can usually get about 2 weeks of feeling close to normal. Then there is the period hormones and just off days from not going to bed or work sucks or whatever. But, believe you me, when those days hit, I WALLOW IN THEM! I hope you find your equilibrium.
I think it’s safe to say you are not alone (see previous comments). I really needed an affirmation that I am not an incompetent alien living in a world of capable humans today as well. So thanks.
Dear sweet Jenny,
You.Are.NOT.ALONE. I have suffered from imposter syndrome my entire life.
Yes, you are normal. No one has the shiny perfect life, unless they are on drugs they don;t need that keep them high, they are delusional or they are straight up full of shit.
I have my diagnoses ( plural) I have my own shit that I deal with but I have never met anyone who doesn’t have shit. I just want to fucking hug your neck and say, YOU.ARE. OKAY! You.ARe. AMazing. You. ARe. Fucking.AWESOME! Normal? What the fuck is normal anyways but overrated?
I never feel like a success. I am the fucking PTA mom, class room moms for both my kids classes, I volunteer for everything at school, church. I always bite off more than I can chew. I have friends but I am also manic and I can tell you, we all have problems. You are not alone. XOXO
Anxiety? Depression? Yep – I have them too. My 5 year old daughter is also already having anxiety issues – yes, at 5! We have her first therapy appt scheduled for Monday. I can’t help, but feel like a failure when I can’t figure out how to help my daughter who just starting throwing major fits all of the sudden – seriously overnight.
I so know the imposter syndrome too. I felt it in my last career all the time. I kept getting promoted, but couldn’t figure out how. I still think someone is going to figure out I never knew what I was doing. I’ve started my own business now and trying to juggle spending more time with my daughter and starting my business. I’m not doing either well. This summer was insane. I didn’t get any work done and didn’t do any of the things I had wanted to do with my daughter. I have lupus and was sick much of the summer.
Thank you for posting this. As I am somewhere near the 3000th post, I don’t know if you’ll ever get to this one, but I hope you can see how you are not alone.
I know I’m a little late to the game here, but I hope you get this. I also often feel like I’m not good enough and haven’t done anything with my life. I’m also a fairly pessimistic and cynical person by nature, so it’s hard for me to see around these thoughts sometimes. What I do is I force myself every night to think of 5 things that day that made me happy. I try to focus on little tiny things because I think they’re easiest to take for granted. I think if may help you to do something similar- if you can think of two or three things you did that day that might remind you that you really do more than you think. The key is to focus on tiny things- put a dish in the dishwasher instead of the sink, gave your daughter a hug, put food in Hunter S.’s bowl, whatever. It really helped shift my perspective.
In any event, remember that we are your tribe. You’ve helped so many of us keep functioning, and everything we do you get partial credit for. If you think about it that way, you get TONS done every day through us. 🙂
I can relate to how you feel. A lot of the same feelings have gone through my head. But please know that you do a lot of good every time you post something. It is great to know that I’m not alone. You help me to laugh. Sometimes at the world and sometimes at myself. I have days when I can do the things I’m supposed to around the house and for my kids. And there are some days that are so hard to just manage to take a shower. You are not alone. And your book helped me to laugh, a lot. And I’m sharing it with my neighbors, who I have found out I have a lot more in common with than I thought. Thank you.
Well there are already over 3000 comments here… I really hope you’re still reading these.
While I, like most people in the modern age, have a crazy long to-do list and untold number of half-finished projects, I do not even remotely suffer from any kind of mental illness so I’m not going to say “I can relate.” That said, I grew up with a father (and his siblings, and a grandfather and a great-grandmother…) with bi-polar disorder, I have several close friends who suffer from various degrees of depression and my ex-boyfriend was exactly like you described with depression/add/insomnia. So without any sugar-coating, this is a short list of six important things you need to hear.
#1. If you feel like that most days, then the meds you are on and therapy you’re getting is not working and definitely not doing you any favors. Immediately, as in today, right now, get yourself new doctors, get new meds, get a new plan. This is the number one most important thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately for everyone who loves you. There is simply no reason for you to be on so many meds and in so much therapy and still feel that way, it is a sign that the current regimen is not working for you and it’s time to change it and move forward.
#2. Pinterest is not real. Not even a tiny bit. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be. Even the seemingly “perfect” photos of “perfect” children’s birthday parties are staged by women who are more concerned with how many repins they will get than whether they are participating in their kid’s life or just photographing it. Same goes for the PTA Moms. You don’t really want to be that kind of person anyway so stop competing with them. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
#3. Every day, practice getting ahold of some perspective. Remember that some amount of disappointment in life is inevitable, but misery is optional.
#4. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow down. Everything doesn’t have to get done today. But there’s also no reason why a lot of it can’t get done permanently and/or regularly… see #5.
#5. Hire one of those organization companies that will come in and unpack all those boxes and make all the metal chickens line up in an orderly fashion. They make your life easier and it will probably take care of at least half the shit on your current to-do list and they literally do the work for you. While you’re at it, hire an ongoing regular house cleaning service, because that’ll probably take care of another 1/4 of your ongoing to-do list. Both of these things are money well spent.
#6. Start every single day with one positive thought, whether it is a reminder of your accomplishment of losing 42 lbs this year, or simply that the sunshine really is beautiful. That one thought will transform your entire day.
Keep on, keepin’ on.
Ok…I subscribe and just got the this post….12 am on the 7th now I have to comment.
You are an artist. You have a cultivated internal life, if you did not you would not be funny and we would not read your work. Not a lot of people have a cultivated internal life. In fact, many artists do not. I was trained to see that good artists (what ever their field … and this can include anything…) are aware of themselves. Sometimes this is not such an easy thing, this constant self awareness. It …backfires on us.
The greatest advice I ever got in this area was from the writings of Chogyam Trungpa who seemed to like to talk about shit….literally….shit, manure, dung….whatever. His point was that the most important step we can take as humans, is realizing that we are knee deep in shit…and mostly our own shit. He suggested that shit was good. It was fertilizer. It helped things to grow. Deny the shit and you deny yourself.
So…when I cycle down now, I look around and marvel at my own shit. I just keep reminding myself all this shit….this shit I stand in….its mine and its some good fertilizer.
I usually just fall to sleep listless (depression strikes again) but content with survival. I’ve lived a long time in survival mode, and at some point I just stopped caring about feeling successful. Or rather, my definition of successful has changed. Getting through each day, my kid and house intact, living simply and fully, is enough. Mostly. At one point I strove for more: I tried to win awards and recognition in college, I wanted to write a novel, put my degree to use… but after some life changing experiences, I didn’t have anything left to give towards those goals. My well of inspiration for writing ran dry and I was emotionally bereft. The only thing I still struggle with is taking care of the kid and balancing my broken ovaries on the side.
It is not just you. I feel the same way, only my anxiety is only a fraction of yours. I haven’t written a book – and never will. One day I might figure out what I want to be when I grow up (besides Mom – I am 47). I cannot tell you how your blog has helped me with my loneliness from our move last year and my anxiety. You are ok. Your ok.
I think I feel successful hours in a month, but I find the little successes important, showing getting dressed, eating real food not just stupid stuff, succeeding in pulling myself back from a decline, or at least understanding why it happened. But yeah they don’t feel successful. Not feeling much actual success lately. I managed a major success yesterday, but it felt like a fail still. But least it balanced out the day.
I’m just now trying to get myself to understand that productivity is truly over-rated. Screw the projects and all the little social crap we’re “supposed to do” (…up until the point we start scaring people away, of course). How we interact with others is where it’s at. And you, dear, have touched and amused and encouraged so many lives (and that’s just of people who haven’t met you! Imagine your impact on those lovelies in your own home).
As for the shitty feelings about wanting and wishing to just being able to”be” in a different way…I struggle with that too. For me, I’m just starting to realize that the deep-down bottom feelings for me are usually about how I am “being” as a person and how I keep making the same mistakes and can’t seem to break the same tiresome patterns. An old wise man (no lie) told me his secret to happiness was to repeat aloud his own mantra at least once a day. Wack job, I know. But I tried to find a few things that I hate about myself and create my own “mantras” that, if I repeat them enough maybe they’ll burn themselves into my psyche and even, in a pinch, help me made different decisions. For me, Miss Social Aversion, a mantra like “Connect” can be enough for me to muster a (probably psychotic-looking) smile to someone in the grocery line (even if I still pretend I didn’t see someone I know in the other aisle, just to avoid my own awkward attempts at small talk). It pops into my head at the most perfectly annoying and relevant times. “Identify the problem” makes me stop and take notice when I realize I’m getting all tense-y and belligerent -really try to sort out what the hell is wrong (even if it turns out to be something I can’t fix, I feel better knowing what it is) …I know this is all probably meaningless, but whatever your own dark point is, there’s got to be the other, kinder, guiding voice to beat the shit out of it. Also, drugs.
Peace to you, Darling.
Weirdly, I feel like I’ve accomplished things if I can point to something I’ve done that day. Some days I’m energetic and I go to the grocery store AND do dishes. Other days, I rest and manage to be a happy mom when my kid gets home from school. Sometimes I wonder if I should have more goals, but I’m honestly really happy right now managing to leap over my short hurdles. And my husband doesn’t really have anything more concrete he can point to that he does in his job, than I do when I’m all, “today I got the kitchen clean again!”, he’ll be all, “I fixed a piece of code that someone broke again today!” They seem about on the same level of cleaning things that’ll just get dirty again. I just feel satisfied when I get them clean and don’t worry too much about the dirty again. (Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly proud, I’ll call my family into the kitchen to admire how clean it is now.)
I do tend to look shiny (if I don’t put shiny stuff on my hair, it’s a fuzzball), but I refuse to attend PTA meetings (I hate meetings and being trapped in spaces with people). If you didn’t notice the unpacked boxes, it’s because I’ve hidden them well. And seriously, I have cloth napkins so I never have to buy napkins again. Because I hate stores and shopping. And sometimes I look like I have a pastel life, but I can still stop conversations cold with awkward remarks. I bet a lot of the people you’re comparing yourself to would come out something like that, with the things they do, the things they can’t, and even the things that look like effort to you, but are actually laziness for them (like my cloth napkins).
It sounds like you’re comparing other people’s outsides to your insides.
I think working and raising a kid is difficult, even without mental illness. Having a job like writer that seems flexible, but really just never goes away, seems even trickier.
Hi Jenny,
I’ve read your blog for years but this is the first time I ever commented. I have an anxiety disorder and depression too and “features of an avoidant personality disorder”, and what you’ve described is exactly how I feel. Everything I do is wrong and never enough. I regularly take mental health days (usually a Monday) and I have a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning because all I see is another day of failure and ‘not good enough’ stretching out ahead of me. I’d never heard of imposter syndrome, but it sounds exactly like me. I have in the past week been having paroxysms of guilt over a big promotion & raise my work wants to give me, because, in my mind, I don’t deserve it. (I don’t!) I have actually considered talking them out of it! Because I’m a fraud and all I can see are the things I didn’t do perfectly and the backlog of work, etc. despite everyone telling me how terrific I am. I spent my lunch break sobbing in my therapist’s office about it actually.
My therapist tells me I have a distorted view of the rest of the world, that those successful people you’re comparing yourself to with their “pretty, pastel lives” don’t exist. I believe her but I kind of totally don’t–therapists have to say that shit, right? It’s not like she can say, “yes, you are a giant failure and a loser. It’s good you recognize it.” But she’s probably right. We’re just imagining that all those other people don’t have problems, don’t get anxious or overwhelmed or just spend the day in bed because they can’t face it or need a break. The difference is we beat ourselves up about it and those people just take it as their due. I remember once reading a blog of this women I know and she said she was spending the day on the couch reading and screwing around on her laptop. I was astounded. You mean it’s ok to do that? I have permission? And it doesn’t mean I’m a loserface? Wow. I got further support of this startling discovery from friend C who tells me sometimes she doesn’t leave the house all weekend.
Awhile ago I was freaking out about what a loser I am and how I’m always procrastinating, and my friend J said “just like everybody else.” Despite hearing this same sentiment from my therapist (many, many times), I was *very* taken aback to hear it from him. He said it so casually. “Just like everybody else.” Like not being perfect was normal and not something he even gave a second thought to. It was like my eyes were finally opened…I’m not perfect “just like everybody else.” I can’t do it all “just like everybody else.” I’m only human “just like everybody else.”
Anyway, I hope you know you’re not alone and that us imperfect people with our anxieties and procrastinating and hiding under the covers and out internal choruses of “not good enough” far, *far* outnumber those pretty, perfect pastel people. In fact, I think at last count there was only like 12 of them.
Take care,
M-
One of the reasons I love Facebook is that I get to craft the life story I want to have. My kids are unique, but not weird. Independent, but not bratty. I am a hip mama who allows her kids freedom of expression and respects their personalities, not someone who’s just too tired to fight them every day. As a teacher I am dedicated and inspirational, not overwhelmed and overworked. The internet is a blessing and a curse-we get to be who we want, but we judge ourselves by others’ created images. I have a medium to edit my failures so they become entertaining, and by extension I become a great mother/teacher/person. But really, I feel just like you.
Is imposter syndrome a real thing? I feel like I have it.
No, it is not just you.
You are not alone, 🙂
I am feeling hopeless, miserable, anxious and at times really really angry, mad and disappointed at myself for just living.
In my community, seeking mental illness help is kind of like a taboo, we don’t really have rehab facilities or getaway places to unwind and people will just simply call us “crazy”.
Well, I admit that in a way I am kinda crazy you know how it goes with our special heads…
Fighting it alone can be really tiring and exhausting and I totally understand why some people decided to just end it all for good.
But some times, I found my sanity in simple things and even it usually lasts for just a few minutes, nothing beats the moments of happiness I get whenever I go for a little walk to my neighbor’s place with my dogs following me.
And whenever I read your blog.
You write what all of us are feeling inside, but we are just too anxious and nervous to write it and let people read it.
You know, by writing all this and letting anyone to read it… This takes a lot of courage and balls.
But you can do it, right?
You are helping all of us to cope and to feel alright and less alone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Because YOU ARE WORTH IT, too 🙂
I highly recommend reading this obituary from today’s NYT. In my humble opinion, this guy was spot on. I hope his legacy lives on.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/05/us/william-glasser-88-psychiatrist-who-promoted-mental-health-as-a-choice-dies.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0
I reckon may be done with reading comments but I wanted to write you anyways.
I had to think of this one. Truly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt successful. I know I’ve felt it in small increments such as …. holy shit I was going to post an example but none have come to mind. I think I only know the term “successful” as “I didn’t fuck up as much as I usually do”.
I don’t have a life set up for success. I have MS. That alone does not disqualify me from succeeding but greatly hinders my progress. I can no longer work but have measure “success” in small achievements with this illness (ex. standing on one foot for the first time in 6 months, driving a car again, walking around the block, etc) So much of our society is built around success being what you’ve DONE and not by who you are. I have done nothing. I cannot have children so no gold star in the breeding category, I have no hope of a career, I have no marketable skills to compensate for lack of working. I find myself existing instead of living.
But I hope.
I hope that I may get better before my next relapse enough to go back to some form of work. I hope that we may yet have a child. I have hope that my depression will stay under control. I have hope for my future for no other reason than it’s a better choice than to not have it.
I want to have hope that I may be successful, whatever that is.
Have you read Daniel Quinn’s “Ishmael” books? They go a long way toward explaining how our culture being at odds with our evolution causes a lot of default anxiety and dissatisfaction in our lives. I found all three of them very helpful (especially the third one “My Ishmael”). He contrasts our culture with the tribal cultures in which we evolved (and with the rest of the animal kingdom) and tries to show how even with all of our material and technological wealth many of us miss the support provided as a part of tribal living, without even realizing we do. He notes that we often manifest these feelings by forming and becoming loyal to communities… Communities like, say, this one. He would probably love this blog. I think you would love his books, also, if for no other reason than that the main character is a telepathic gorilla.
You are far from alone. I feel like this all the time. It is so hard to see people at work or on facebook who look so happy, and I sit there and wonder where I went wrong. I just try to remember those good days when there are bad. And my family helps so much. Hang in there.
Hi Jenny,
I love this post, because it helps to see there’s so much pain out there. Which may be an awful thing to say and feel, but it really does help. Because many times I wake up, and I look up at myself. And I plowed through college with a 3.9 GPA. And I’m in a Ph.D. graduate program at one of the most prestigious colleges in the nation. And I hurt. Every day for years now, I hurt. Thank you for this. Thank you for giving us, even the ones who don’t look like they need it, the belief that what they are doing matters.
Jenny, I love this post, I love this strength that comes from you.
When you look down in your darkest moments, you saved lives. Remember that. Love yourself for that.
Keri.
This might be too late, and you may be too busy to read it, but I get it. I feel that way exactly. I’m working hard at coming to terms with myself, and being ok with my inability to function at most things. I am starting to realize that I’ll probably never have it all together…and maybe thats ok. I have panic attacks and ADD and I’m incapable of finishing anything I start and I get a new job every year and my house is a mess and cleary I write horrible run on sentences. I’m not a terrible person…and neither are you. Your blog brings laughter and support to millions of people everyday… in your own way you TOTALLY have your shit together and that is what matters. Those shiny people with perfect lives dont exist…they just hide the crazy better than some of us.
Two or three days a month I go to bed and think, I’m a grownup. I got all the things done that are supposed to be done. If someone dropped by, I wouldn’t be embarrassed if they see my house. The rest of the time I just think I have just a couple of really simple things to do. Take care of my house and make sure my dad gets his meds and has food to eat, and most days, some or all of those things don’t get done. I see all those women out there with their nails done, and their house clean and their car isn’t filled with empty water bottles and I be they never had their electricity turned off. I bet they don’t hide in the house with dirty floors and dirty hair. But most of the time I remind myself that that woman with the beautiful nails and sparkling clean car has a mother that calls in the middle of the night convinced that someone is breaking into the house, or a husband that would rather be at work than at home. I think we have to remember that we’re all falling apart, some of us are just better at hiding it.
Obviously, it’s not you. I haven’t made it through all of the comments, but I can tell you that I swear by a mindfulness meditation. It’s all about being where you are now. not where you were or where you feel like you’re supposed to be, but now. not in a hedonistic way, either. Just accepting and acknowledging your emotions, your feelings, your fears, your pain, and being okay with that. Not giving in to it, but being okay with having those emotions. We spend so much time trying to justify or rationalize our emotions, which is just silly.
Look, if you spend time watching TV, everyone is either skinny and sexy or fat and funny. There are no fat, but not funny people in the tv world, which we all know is not a reflection of life. Pinterest is like really bad reality television: it will make you believe that you didn’t do enough for your kid’s birthday and holiday parties. It will make you feel that if you’re not painting your perfect nails in patterns that require the talents of those people at the fair who paint your name on a grain of rice then you aren’t worthy of fingernails. It will make you think that chevron patterned dresses, skirts and chairs aren’t the ugliest fucking things you have ever seen. But none of that is true. None of those cute, mormon stay at home moms who lie to their kids about the tooth fairy and leprechauns and all the other bullshit holiday characters we’re supposed to have these days are who they look like in their blog. They, too, are screaming for someone to validate them and tell them that they’re okay. otherwise, they’d just be stay at home moms with cool craft ideas, instead of broadcasting their triumphs — which makes the rest of us feel like we’re failing.
We all aspire to be something else at one time or another. The only way we can get there is to love ourselves where we are now.
(for sort of an intro to mindfulness based meditation, read Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It’s the best title for a book ever, so it’s at least worthy of a bit of time, right?)
It’s not just you. It’s not just women. It’s just people.
It’s most people, most of the time.
But by damn I’m glad that you can say it, with humour, and make us feel that we’re not alone.
I think if you looked at those shiny, happy people you see at the Parent-Teacher meetings more closely, you would see their cracks and dirt.
THIS. ALL of it. Word for Word. I’m not medicated but find ways to deal, often without
success. Keep being you. It’s nice to be reminded that we all go through it.
I spend most of the month feeling like shipoopy but telling myself “Im only here so I can work UP the ladder and better myself and my 3 year old daughter..”and I feel pretty good about working hard and doing the best I can but then the shit storm hits when I go to the bank to find out ANOTHER of my ex-husbands debts is left to me to pay off… yet he’s out having fun, but not visiting/supporting his child, and I’m trying to move out of state to finish my schooling and get a great job… except I cant afford to move… but I have to move to get the good job… and then it all spirals down the ceramic throne called life. But then my daughter says she loves me and wants “to keep” me and we snuggle and suddenly I feel like I’m doing something right. I certainly don’t have any advice on how to make anyone feel better… lord knows I can barely help myself! But we are all in this together. Instead of looking at the “ideal’ woman/mom/human being, I think its just important to remember us at our best… because its ourselves, and totally attainable.
same, saaame. I spend most of the month feeling like shit, but like one day out of the week I feel fantastic and like I’m being a good person, but then the other days rear their ugly heads and I get tired easily and i sleep for most of the day. it’s hard and i wish I could be properly medicated, but right now my paxil seems to be enough.
sending so much love and good thoughts.
I used to be a teacher. I won awards at it, but then I quit because my blood pressure was 190/160 and I hated everything. Now I work at an amazing winery and drink too much, but I have ten hours a week to be an artist and people seem to think I’m good at it. Nonetheless, I knock back blood pressure pills and antidepressants every day with black coffee and doubt everything I do. I got my very first manicure last week at age 41 and BIT EVERY ACRYLIC NAIL OFF. I wonder constantly if I’m doing right by my 8 y.o. and my shockingly low-maintenance 15 y.o. foster daughter and if I’m going to chase everyone off with my unintentional intensity. I think I’m uglyish and difficult and am waiting for everything to fall apart because I can’t make myself do Brazilian Butt Lift aerobics or get a much-needed boob job. I used to be avant-garde, now I’m just tired and resentful. But I love your blog, and by extension I adore you. You make me realize that maybe I’m not so terribly alone in my pain.
I’m a new mom, and I feel like I’m always trying to catch up. How is it possible that another day went by and I never even got dressed or stepped out my door? Is it that difficult to really go get the mail…and yet it hasn’t been retrieved in days. Vacuuming? Laundry? Forget it. I feel like there are plenty of hours in a day, and it boggles me on how I failed to utilize any of them. I have big plans to get things done at the start of the day, and by the end of the day I find myself saying “Maybe tomorrow.” I had big plans to update my blog during my pregnancy with my experiences and then continue to write after the birth about being a new mom. My last post is still over a year old. I have so many mom friends who seem to just have it all pulled together and it just makes me feel like a huge failure. Someone recently sent me to this blog post and it actually did help me feel a little less like a failure and made me realize that I need to stop comparing myself to others. Everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses. People just typically don’t care to air their weaknesses. I hope that this blog post helps you some as well.
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Sometimes making it through the day is accomplishment enough.
I’m sorry I don’t have any helpful suggestions for you. I just wanted to say thank you. For being you and for this post. I can’t tell you how many times repeating “depression lies” to myself has helped me get through the day. I suffer from a chronic illness that has recently worsened. Depression and anxiety are some of the symptoms among many physical symptoms. I can barely drag myself out of bed every morning. Lately I’ve been really hard on myself, because I feel like I’m failing at life. Actually, if I’ve managed to put actual clothing on, it’s a successful day. My boyfriend came home the other day and asked if I went somewhere earlier. When I asked how he knew, his reply was “because you’re wearing clothes…” He is supportive, understanding, and generally awesome, but reading your post made me realize that I’m just human. and I’m not the only one who feels this way. Also, thank you to everyone else who commented. I hope all of you know how amazing you are. You have helped me, as well.
Sweetheart, it’s you, it’s me, it’s everybody.
Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep every. night. because I’m still pregnant– I don’t understand what’s going on with this pregnancy at all, and I’m a fucking MIDWIFE. I am a midwife who apparently can’t give birth. The actual fuck, me?
And I do that horrible gifted-kid thing, too– so everything is “not very good” or “not quite right”… I rob myself of all of my accomplishments because I know that I have flaws, that the process was a struggle, that I made mistakes…and instead of seeing this stuff as allowing me to learn and grow, all I see is that I can’t do anything right.
I feel incredibly lucky to have such a healthy family, and a safe home, and enough food to eat, and the free time and resources to do things just for fun sometimes. But I don’t feel like I deserve these things, because I hate cooking, I rarely vacuum my offwhite carpets, I yell at my children sometimes, I often make late payments on my student loans because I forget they’re due….stupid little shit that I would NEVER judge other people on.
And the sick part is? I think everybody is this way. We’re just so caught up in the cult of perfect that we never admit it to each other, so we all keep struggling alone in the darkness.
I am a happy person. I like my job, I love my wife, and I am satisfied with my life.
But that’s not because I accomplish more than you. That’s just brain chemistry. I ignore my failings (I’m lazy, unambitious, and insensitive). I never graduated from college. I have shitty things happen to me (last week I took a swim with my phone in my pocket; my expensive, uninsured phone), but I don’t get upset or obsess over my failings.
I revel in what I do well… I’m a fucking awesome Computer Support rep. That job that so many make fun of? I love doing it. I have helped people on the phone with some kind of computer issue or another for 18 years now. About 75% of the customers I speak to are smiling at some point of the call, and nearly all are helped, and happy with the support they received at the end of the call. I answer the phone like I’m a game show host welcoming them to the stage.
And then I go home and sit on my butt while dishes pile up, the dog looks at me accusingly for not walking him, and my wife is frustrated because I left my clothes strewn on the floor while she is trying to study for her college classes.
Everyone has things they excel at, and things they suck at. I make 30 people happy a day. You make 1,000,000 people happy a week. If it comes to ‘who makes the world a better place’ contest, you would win. But because of quirks of chemistry, my biological balance, your persistent pessimism, I’m happy, and you’re on meds. I’m sorry. But there is no deeper meaning. No life failing on your part. You are wildly successful as a creator, as a role model, and as an entertainer. I’m wildly successful as a teacher and a fixer. Most people have something they excel at, and a bunch of other things they suck at.
You dwell on the bad. But that doesn’t MAKE you bad, and you know it (even if you have to fight to remember it when the darkness encroaches). This is just more of the same. More self doubt. Don’t let the depression win. Fuck depression.
Hi there!
I just wanted to tell you that if I had to list all the things that are not going right in my life I would still be here tomorrow.
But I think that actually everything has been said in your latest post. You need to have small goals and enjoy the present moment.
I’m currently enjoying some music and contributing to the mental health of someone I really like so that’s a really nice thing to do 😉
So like that I forgot that I have to pay up depts, that I haven’t been on holidays since january, that I don’t have any girlfriend, that my friends can be counted on one hand, they’re all “busy” so we only meet like once or twice a year, and the list goes on.
So be happy, because if you don’t that’ll be a waste.
Cheers!
Hi Jenny, I often feel the same, I have anxiety and depression. I tend to find I feel worse first thing in the morning, feel a bit better if I can get going and then feel worse again in the afternoon. I can impact this by who I spend time with. Good company with people who are easy to talk to makes me feel better. People who stress me and make me feel anxious make me go down. I guess i’m saying pulling yourself out can be hard but good people can help. Hugging a passing child always helps. I don’t ever feel good all day but I have periods during the day when I’m ok. I try to practise mindfulness to assist and the basic meditation I was recently taught was easy to learna dncan make me feel so peaceful and being mindful and in the present can be so good and helps lots. I highly recommend investigating it. you can come on my next retreat if you like (flights might be a bit far but it is fabulous)..http://www.billabongretreat.com.au/event_cat/mindfulness-training/
Ok, I’m gonna be honest!
I love films!
I wonder sometimes whether watching many many films is pretty much a waste of time and that I should really do something more productive (stupid thing to wonder about isn’t it really, as the answer may clearly be yes!) But one can learn a lot from films. Eg. One sentence someone said in a film I’m rather fond of is that the bad things are easier to believe (talking about compliments etc). Yeah maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t make the good compliments less true or the bad comments more true!
I have also heard that what some people do to make themselves feel better when they are feeling pretty shitty about life and themselves is to think about all they have accomplished. Maybe think about all your accomplishments in life, remind yourself of them! And also spending time with the important people in your life. Whether it’s having a good long chat about anything and everything with them, or sitting under a blanket together watching telly.
I stress a lot! And worry a lot! A lot of it is about insignificant, silly things, and sometimes it gets me a bit low and drives me nuts! I try to take deep breathes, sometimes also close my eyes and just try to clear my head. Sometimes it works, other times it could’ve worked better! Some other things I do resembles your: sitting under the blanket watching that show. I watch my favourite series (I certainly like it anyway!): Friends! I have watched it a billion times, but seriously that show never gets old and it’s amazing how many situations are actually in that show and how it always makes me feel pretty good!
Ok, this comment was pretty shitty right?! And it may not have helped in the slightest :S in which case Im sorry! I just wanted to give a comment here and share the fact that it really isn’t just you. Everyone has good days and crap days. And if this comment helped I’m thrilled and glad I made you feel better 🙂 if not then I hope you didn’t feel it was a complete waste of time reading it.
Really hope you feel better 🙂
i feel successful most days.
of course, i have found that the best way to do this is to readjust my goals.
did i manage to dress myself today? fold half a basket of laundry?
yes? then i am awesome.
Back again to share my views on a Leonard Cohen quote that has been brought up many times. “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”
I think there’s a crack in everything to let the light shine out.
I wanted to share with you an idea that has been really helpful for me through my entire adult life. It’s the concept of the shoulds. This article explains it really well: http://www.dailygood.org/story/137/stepping-out-of-the-should-trap/. Basically, it’s the idea that we impose all of these judgements on ourselves, e.g., I’m not a good wife and mother unless I make all my family’s meals myself from scratch. If you examine the reason you feel that way (maybe it’s how you were raised), you can look at it more objectively. You might be able to conclude that it’s OK to hire a meal delivery service or heat up frozen meals from Trader Joe’s. By getting to the root of each should, it helps you to examine what is truly important in your life, like spending time with your kids, and what you might let go, like cooking gourmet meals from scratch or cleaning your house by yourself. Basically, you are human and you need to cut yourself some slack.
Let’s see. In the past 5 years I started a non-profit (thecharisproject.org) and served as the CFO and administrator, had 2 more babies, bringing the total number of kids up to 5, moved to Thailand to help orphanages transition their kids into family systems that are supported by local businesses, (see non-profit above), and I home school. I honestly have no idea how that all happened because at the end of the day I feel like I was lucky to have survived it, not like I got anything done. I don’t suffer from depression, or anxiety, btw, just sleep deprivation. I always know that I am failing at something. If the work is going well it’s because my kids are feeling neglected, if my kids are all good you can be sure that the accounting s way far behind, if I have all the work, family ducks in a row, you can bet I haven’t actually listened to my husband in a few weeks, because he likes to talk late at night and it’s probably been as long since he got more than a peck on the cheek on his way out the door. Ans even if by some miracle I manage all that, my long neglected sewing/knitting/writing projects I had dreams of doing stare at me condemningly from a corner.
Basically I am much more intimate with my failings than my successes.
One thing that does help though is to have just one extra, out of the routine thing every day to try and finish, like going to the bank, or answering that one email, or calling my dad. I like to finish things, it makes me feel good. So if I can finish at least one thing, completely in the never ending repetitiveness of my everyday, it makes me feel way more awesome about things. Maybe that would help you?
With much love for what you do.
Jenny – you make me feel not alone whenever you write. So thank you! To answer one of your questions, there are MONTHS when i don’t feel like Ive made any sort of difference to anyone. I’m a 43 year old mom of 2, work 2 jobs (one is only very very part time) and cant get ahead. I do stay afloat, and I am able to do some extra stuff for my kids (thanks to the 2nd job) and it never ever feels like enough. you keep it real for so many people, and let us know we aren’t the only crazies out there. As long as I don’t wind up being one of the Wal-mart crazies I think I will be O.K, so you have made a difference! thanks for being you, and for keeping it real 🙂
oh jenny…for once i haven’t read all the comments first because i think i just want to say something to you. we are not normal people. but that doesn’t mean we aren’t good people. we fuck up, often, but we don’t hurt anyone if we can help it. and we are very, very good for the people who don’t know yet why they aren’t normal. you are a hero, and people need you, and i hope that isn’t a burden to you. it probably is, though
I dont know if you are still reading the post or not 🙂 my honesty—through my eyes today—has me at about 10% thinking/feeling that I am good enough to do what I do. I often think I am going to get fired ….imposter issues—-I exist in life but dont LIVE life. I am boring and not always unhappy…not always happy…..just here. I enjoy things…but they are things. Hmmmmmm typing this and crying
As to how many days I feel like I’ve kicked ass a month, I’d say probably 1-4 days a month. The rest of the time instead of focusing on the fact that I fucked something up I try to make note of how I can improve that ruck up next time, possibly even make a note being as positive as possible. Then I force myself to mentally walk through the day with a positive light to see what I did well. This is something I’ve bee working on for most of my life and still do today. What helps me most is to think positively and when I start getting down on myself with things like “oh they must hate me because I fucked this up” or the like I make myself say “no, if you think you’ve offended them, ask.” And 999 out of 1000 they didn’t even realize something wrong had happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is find a way for you to learn how to see the world in appositive light, one though at a time as long as it takes. You may not feel like you’ve kicked ass every day but just not being unhappy with the day is a great place to start.
I may be one of those people who for the most part has her shit together–though I confess, last week I managed to run out of both TP and paper towels at the same time, so I resorted to using My Little Pony napkins from a birthday party–but I’m married to someone who expresses these same ideas very frequently. I don’t have an answer, but one thing I try to tell my husband is that he’s comparing himself to everyone else’s highlights reel. I do it, too, but I am much more forgiving of myself for whatever reason.
I don’t know how to help him see himself differently, other than supporting all the standard things like meds, therapy, etc., but I do know that I genuinely admire and appreciate people like him and like you. Those of us who have our shit so together – our brains are full of to do lists. It’s boring and stressful as hell. I need people like him and you to draw me out of my own obsession with controlling everything. If it weren’t for people like you, the world would feel like one project after another to get done and one problem after another to solve. And I’d feel accomplished, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t be having any fun. So there’s a yin and a yang. You may not feel successful in the quantitative “I got 10 things done today!” way that others might, but I hope that you can see the qualitative success you bring to the lives around you, because that is equally balanced. There are enough controlling personalities in this world to make sure we don’t totally go awry – we need plenty of the opposite to make us stop and appreciate all the truly meaningful and beautiful parts of life.
Since I struggle with Depression myself, and work in a Psych Ward, thought I would add what I told one of my patients recently. “Why is it that the rose-colored glasses that we see other people through turn a particular shade of shit-brown when we look in the mirror?” Hang in there, we are all walking through life feeling like Imposters together.
Seriously 3-4 days a month?! I wish I felt like a person that often. Thank you for your honesty, Jenny. Whenever you post things like this it truly reminds me that I am not alone. (I also have depression & anxiety and probably ADD too.)
My major accomplishment as of late has been taking my dog to obedience class every other Monday night, that makes me feel like a fucking rock star. After that, the week sort of goes downhill and I feel like I’m treading water until Sundays when I file my unemployment claims because I can’t find a goddamn job (I do technically have employment at 4 companies right now, but I’m an employee on an “as needed” basis, and right now I’m not needed. Awesome, right?) So, that takes me down a peg…..or 10.
I do feel a nice sense of accomplishment when I write a blog post, if I can fight through the writer’s block to manage to actually finish a blog post. I have a giant draft folder of unfinished and barely-started posts. I have bought notebooks by the case thinking “Now I’m going to be a writer and carry a notebook everywhere and write. Some of said notebooks are half-filled with ideas and scribblings and inane observations/thoughts, but most sit empty, barely having been cracked open.
I started writing a young-adult novel 10 years ago. It’s not even remotely close to even being considered more than the start of a short story. If I can write 1 blog post a week these days, I feel ok. But then I look at other blogs I read and see that they’ve written 3 or more posts that week and I say to myself, “Hey, Self, remember when we used to write AND publish stuff that often? Why can’t we do that anymore? What the fuck is wrong with us?!” and again I feel like shit.
On the outside, Jenny, I actually might seem like one of those shiny people you talk about. I come from well-educated middle-class parents, I have a college degree, I’m pursuing my dream of becoming a professional actor and writer, I live with my boyfriend, we have a dog; those are the things you’re “supposed” to have that make you one of those shiny people, right? Why don’t I feel shiny? Inside, I feel broken. I always have.
I don’t think you fuck shit up, Jenny. You are one of the bravest people I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. You bravely shared your struggles with the entire internet. And because of that, I found your blog. Your words and stories and ups and downs all gave me the courage to seek help for my own mental illness and in seeking, I found the greatest therapist I’ve ever had (and hooo boy have I had a lot of therapists in my life.) You helped me help myself. So, thank you.
I hope I’ve helped you in some small way, because you’ve helped me so much.
Me too.
I’ve been coping pretty well with my depression since my last blow-out in 2002.
I ended up redefining my success criteria to save my sanity. – they are embarrassingly low, but they stop me from beating myself up over not achieving anything when I don’t have the spoons to do anything more than get up, get dressed, wash my face and brush my teeth, put my shoes on and go out to the letterbox and collect the mail.
Even if I come straight back inside, change back into my PJs and go back to bed, then I’ve achieved those 6 things.
I go through periods where that is all I can do.
I have stuck to Temp, Casual and Contractor jobs, so I don’t feel bad when I have to step back into my bubble for a few weeks/months while I get my shit together.
Never the less, every time I get myself sorted and get a job I spend every day wondering when I will fuck up so they can see how out of my depth I am. Even when I’m doing a good job, it feels like I’m playing at being good at my job.
But, you know what… Over the last 12 years, I’ve been spending longer and longer between my turtling. – got it up to almost 2 years now! But that means I am comfortable applying for longer IT projects, rather than sticking to the 4-6 month maternity cover roles.
…and occasionally I’ll get a manager that understands mental health, and is willing to work with me to keep me swimming as long as possible.
You’re not alone. And you’ve very brave to be so honest. I’ve heard it said that self loathing is epidemic in our culture, and I don’t doubt it. However, I too have worked really hard to get better over the years, and I have a whole lot less self loathing than I used to have. As a matter of fact, most days are good, and I at least feel adequate, if not happy with life and myself. In spite of my anxiety and insecurities I do feel good. The one caveat here though is that it takes work, lots and lots of work. You have to be willing to change anything and everything you can in exchange for feeling better. This includes the way we eat, how we take care of our bodies, our attitudes, the people in our lives, our work, etc. I sadly don’t see many people willing to put forth this effort.
Thank you for being real and human.
There are times when I feel the same way. But it is not as often as it once was. I’ve been labeled with PTSD which has been a mishmash of super anxiety, depression, delusions, dissociation, disordered eating, spiritual emergency, hallucinations… evening feeling possessed. Very trippy.
There came a point in my mental ill-health journey when I just knew that I had to accept myself for who I was at this time in my life. No more trying to fix myself. Just being who I am with all the freaky stuff. I practice that–always reminding myself that I am just right the way I am. Being okay with me. Being okay with the way I feel and the way I think and I way I behave. I try really hard not to try to “fix” what I think is wrong with me. It’s a really tough practice because I compare myself to “normal” a lot and I always come up short. Yep, not for the faint at heart.
Then I realized one day that it started to become obvious what I could do to change. To shift my perspective. And it felt easy to try.
So from my experience, I believe you can make change happen when you are at a point of acceptance with who you are and they way things are RIGHT NOW.
You are human and that is messy and uncomfortable and seriously painful. Life is the same way and from what I can see, so many people chose to escape from that–I think they’re missing out because I don’t thing it is a bad thing or a good thing. I think it is an opportunity to ENGAGE in life, feel your way around, and live it to the fullest–you know be present to what’s going on with you in your life and how you feel and giving yourself the chance to actually witness the stuff that makes you feel good even if it is only for a second.
Engaging in you life as if it is exactly as it should be right now gives others the permission to be themselves instead of some facade-bullshit-life-is-perfect. You can’t do that if you want to be someone else from who you are and how you feel in this moment.
What if right now you could accept that you are just right the way that you are? What if it is completely okay to feel the way you do about your day, your life, your feelings, yourself? If you think about that, how does it make your body feel?
Damn, Jen – that was raw. I think all of humanity can relate to something in that post. I have worked for 20 yrs in divorce law, and can attest that you would not believe what’s behind the shiny PTA pastel lives, it’s totally not pretty, and the facade crumbles like a house of cards at the slightest touch. Maintaining an image wastes a lot of time, time that might be better spent under the blankets watching reruns of Little House with your daughter. Personally, I’d be afraid to count the days per month that I feel good about, coming up with more than a couple would be a freaking miracle. When I feel like the house is turning into an episode of “Hoarders” and I’m unable to get off the couch, I start (and re-start, and start over, etc) following flylady.net’s 15 minute routine things. It’s silly, makes me feel juvenile, but the timer thing works for me. And yeah, sometimes after 15 minutes I’m back on the couch, but I feel better about me.
You are so not alone. Everyone has those days, they just may not admit it. I’ve slowly learned to be happy with one accomplishment, such as doing the dishes, a day if that’s what I can do. Last year I started working in the human services world, and I’ve learned so much. Those women you see at school may wash their hair every day, but do they spend quality time with their children, or does it just look like they do? You may see a family that looks unkept, but that might be the happiest family you’ll ever see because they spend time together and focus on what they have. I keep a “smile file”…it sounds corny, but whether it’s a picture my nephew drew me 15 years ago or a quote from someone famous, something in there is bound to cheer me up a little and realize I’m doing okay today!
As I write this there are 3,243 comments in this thread, so I expect that you may not even see this. But your plea spoke to me so strongly, that I had to say something. Please don’t fret. Feeling like you don’t measure up or that you’re secretly a fake is actually pretty common. I remember seeing an interview with Mary Tyler Moore many years ago in which she confessed to similar feelings; I was blown away because I felt that way too. I thought first, I’m not alone, and second , if someone so accomplished feels this way, maybe I’m not so bad. Sharing helps. I know it helps those who hear, and I suspect it helps those who speak out as well.
You are a wonderful writer, and you are a woman of incredible courage. Just by sharing your experiences and your unique take on life, you have done so much good in the world. Those 3000+ comments are telling you that thousands love you for what you’ve accomplished. I know you value them, so please try to value yourself as well. You are much loved, Jenny. That’s so much better than being Queen of the Prom.
So, reading this I remembered something my awesome doctor told me once. I was looking for a therapist, something I really needed to do, and had no idea how to go about it. My doc asked what I was looking for and I started describing someone who would help me learn to accomplish more/be more organized at which point my awesome doctor straight up interrupted me and said ‘no’. ‘What you need to learn from your therapist is how to actually like yourself’. Harder than it sounds, but I try and remember that that is the goal when I am berating myself.
I was super lucky to be raised by grown-ups who let me be friends with their grown up friends and hear all of the grown up conversation. So I never was stuck with the misconception that so many of us were given that you reach some age where everything makes sense. They were all magical and smart and interesting and every one of them had some (or many) areas of fuckedupery in their lives. Add to that a year of incredible loss when I was twelve (20 people we knew, starting with my dad and ending with my grandmother, all died within a year) and I came out of it figuring we’re all just trying to stumble through and figure things out.
My bar is set very low, but I think also very high. Be kind, never be hurtful on purpose, help when you’re able. Through those figures I am a huge success most every day.
The rest of the stuff comes after it. It’s a lot easier to get massive big deal stuff done when you know you’re succeeding at the *little* (but actually far more important) stuff.
All of you who only feel successful 3 or 4 days a month need to take another look. You are completely successful everyday at being exactly yourselves. You are not supposed to be happy every day or neat every day or anything every day. How boring your life would be as well as the life of everyone else if we were all perfect every day. Enjoy the ups and downs, goods and bads, rights and wrongs. revel in them – they are what you are. Don’t cheat yourself out of experiencing it all and feeling it all. It is what you are.
No, it’s not just you…as 3000+ other people have attested to. A lot of people feel your pain, sadly.
I often struggle to think of anything I do in a month’s time that makes me worth the oxygen that I’m breathing. The only things tethering me are my son and husband. In the past, I’ve had jobs where I was able to help other people. Due to illness, I now barely manage to help myself…and it bites.
You’ve given a lot of us a reason to smile on days when we desperately needed it, and for that, I thank you.
There is no such thing as shiny-pretty people. They are just better at presenting themselves to others. I think over 3,400 comments shows that we all struggle in some fashion and we just want to know we are not alone. That’s why your blog is great…..well, that and it’s so damn funny it makes me snort with laughter.
Yeah. Every time I feel good about something the little doubts creep in. Like, “Excellent, I managed to stay on schedule and get the bathroom cleaned today. Kind of half assed it though. Did you get down on your hands and knees and really clean all those crevices your mom taught you to do?”
Or, “I made homemade bread today! But it’s not really homemade cause I didn’t mix it and knead it myself. Breadmakers don’t really count.”
Or, “I got the dishes done before the baby’s last bottle, so I can go to bed when she does. But, did you clean the stove or the back of the counter?”
I don’t relate to this on one level – If I do anything so grown-up and difficult as go to the bank in a day that is a big tick in the win column.
I’m currently doing a PhD, which sounds impressive, but secretly 50% of the reason I am doing it is to avoid starting Real Life. Any change in my careful routine can completely ruin my brittle composure. The other day I found out that I might have to go to Belfast for three days and I had a thirty minute panic attack (quietly and alone in my lab) and had to go home early; exhausted.
But the way I am now is the most amazing version of me there has ever been. Between undergraduate and the rest of life I decided to take a year off. Not to travel or learn a skill, just Off. I was mentally and socially exhausted from college and just wanted to cocoon. And I did. I was trying to remember yesterday ANYTHING, anything at all I did during that (what turned out to be) nine months. Not big things, TV shows I had watched. Literally anything I did on any day in that nine months. And I could not think of anything. Certainly not anything that could take up so much time. I remember feeling really tired for most of the time. I was hibernating.
In my current, relatively busy work and social life I can not comprehend how I filled my days.
My Infinitely Wise Mother tells me the exact same process happens before and after you have a kid.
I feel like I did need my year off – mentally. And I did break out of my cocoon sooner than I had planned which makes me feel strong. But it scares me that there is that part of me that can just disappear from the world for so long and be completely unproductive. MIWM swears she would have broken me out if I had gone on longer than the year. I don’t know. I think I was very lucky that an opportunity I could not turn down came up.
There are lots of us. I think that is clear. We just have to keep going and keep putting ticks in the win column. For whatever reasons we deem a win.
You are not alone — I could have written this post, too. I have anxiety, OCD, depression, all that good stuff, and I understand your struggle. Sometimes I feel like everyone is just flying through life, and I’ve got a bag of rocks tied to me feet that stops me from moving with them. In my better moments, I realize this isn’t true, that everyone else has struggles that I can’t see, but that doesn’t often register with me in my bad moments. Just enjoy those days when you can feel successful, and on the days when you don’t try to think of all the things you did accomplish, even if all you managed was to shower and eat a piece of toast. I love reading your blog — aside from being one of the funniest people I’ve ever encountered, you remind me that I’m not alone, and for that, I thank you.
P.S. I work in a library, and I talked to two different people about your book yesterday. One was just signing it out, and I told him how awesome it is, and then one of my coworkers said she was listening to the CD version, and we both enthused about how awesome it is. So you are successful in many ways every day that you don’t even know about. Next time you’re feeling down, just think, “Some people in Canada are right at this very moment talking about how hilarious I am” — it’ll probably be true 🙂
Me, too. I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to add my name to this army of troubled awesomeness.
As I sit here in my bed, hair unwashed, and read this, I think, “It’s not just me.” I haven’t updated my blog in over a year, so good job on that front. Our house has been “mid-remodel” for about 6 months. I can’t have people over. This place makes me feel like an absolute failure every day. I do feel successful at work, where my boss tells me every day what a good job I do, but I believe him about 3/5 days a week. So thank you for asking. No, it’s not just you, and it’s not just me. It’s those lying bastards, depression and anxiety. Fuck those guys.
I manage to get a shower maybe twice a week, brush my teeth only slightly more often than that. Days blend together but I think I’ve only been out twice this summer, and once it was to go get supplies at Costco. I mostly eat popcorn and rice because those things don’t spoil and they are quick to make and I can eat them in bed, and of course I drink coffee because that’s the only way I can function at all. I have some kind of not-quite-fully-diagnosed condition that means, without the drug that made me psycho so I stopped taking it, being upright make me feel sick and tired and super confused and VERY CRANKY and sometimes I pass out. I’m an adult but am completely dependent on my widower father (75 and still working full-time and volunteering a lot as well). Yes, this does have a big impact on my social life and on my self-esteme.
I feel like I haven’t accomplished a damn thing in my life, most days. I am almost thirty, and I haven’t not completed a single goal that I set for myself since graduating high school. I look at my siblings, who have kids, and are married, and even people that I hate have the picket fence life, making me feel like the biggest loser ever.
I honestly thought that by thirty years old, I would own my own house, and have published at least one book, or at least had several manuscripts to submit to publishers. But I haven’t even finished a solitary piece, let alone sent it out for publication. I thought I would have started a family by now, lived in a cute little house with a husband. The truth being I am in a small apartment I can barely afford, and still dating the same person for the last eight years because it is comfortable.
But what I tell myself during times of self-pity, is that I cannot define myself by comparison. I am my own person, and just because I haven’t accomplished my own unrealistic goals, or even those of other people who I admire, it doesn’t make me a loser.
I am who I am, and nobody has the power to make me feel inferior but my own self. And I refuse to feel that way, and so should you!
Oh god you are so not the only one who feels this way (and you have over 1500 posts to support this!)
Your comment “I’m super lucky that Brene is my friend in real life and she’s given me a lot of personal advice. She’s crazy helpful, but also incredibly together. Even when she’s not great she’s still productive and focused and getting shit done. I want to be like that.”
That’s how I feel. I have friends with whom I can confide about these sorts of feelings [‘why can’t I get it together?’, ‘why does remembering to do ‘x’ (insert lame accomplishment, such as making the bed, remembering to have breakfast, going to the bank, buying stamps) seem so difficult?’] And yet, when I look at these people who tell me they are so far behind, they always seem so far ahead – they didn’t forget to do ‘x’; they say they don’t have a social life, but actually do see people outside of work; they worry about not being respected, but are and immensely so – and then I wonder if my measures are so far different than theirs and then I wonder if they’re level of scattered thought is 3 levels of scattered less than mine because if that’s true then I am so motherf’ing behind in being a functional human… And then I have days where I realise that the things I forget they don’t, but the things they forget or feel overwhelmed by typically (there’s always days) don’t run me down.
There are always going to be the people who do the things that we wish we could do. I for one wish I was a fuck lot more insightful and funnier. And then other times I wish I was a lot quieter. I can’t cook worth crap and wish I could get over my fear of failure. All of these desires (and others) on one day or another make me feel like I’m not really a functional human. You are good at being a person, as am I; maybe we (as a society) just have a warped idea of what being a person involves (and just how much we can actually do).
As you may have guessed from the above – it’s not just you. If I stop running around and think, I feel pretty shitty. A lot. I get so busy holding other people together that I forget that I’m not together. I avoid parties, conferences, dinners with friends because that’s easier than picking apart my every word and action afterward and telling myself that I did it all wrong.
You will probably never read this, but if you do, just know that the fact that you say what others feel is what brings so many of us here day after day. I really wish I did know you, because it would bring me so much joy. Keep being awesome, and thanks.
Okay, left out something above in comment 3226. I have felt the most like a failure when job goals didn’t happen. The time I got a temp chance at my dream job and had my first panic attacks (on the floor my first day). When the temp job didn’t turn into a permanent job. When I finally got another job in my field at all, held it for six years, and then got let go so they could hire someone with no experience instead. I’ve since found out there are actual statistics to back up how hard it is to get a job in my field and I think if I go back to work at some point I might want to try a different field. But it is amazing how freeing it is to just let go of that for awhile. In the tv show Wonderfalls (Karma Chameleon) Jaye acknowledges how great it is to livein “a pressureless expectation-free zone”. And I feel like that’s where I’m living right now.
Hey girl.
I wanted to tell you that you’re totally not *OW* alone. We are all abject fails in our own mind. 365 days a year. The ones that aren’t? Sociopaths and senators (samie-samie). When I’m basking in fail, which is often, my partner reminds me that our kids know how to laugh. So that’s the win. For me, for them, for all of us. If we can laugh, we won. When I can’t laugh anymore, I read you. Then I can hang on by my improperly groomed fingernails through another day.
am I the last one to comment? woohoo! I win!?
I feel crappy for being behind in reading your blog. If I can’t even keep current w/things I enjoy how am I to keep up w/the necessary evils?
I’m a procrastinator. I’m lazy. I have a feeling there’s an uber-creative and artsy person inside me screaming to get out but what if it’s just wishful thinking? I’m not original. Or if I am, I don’t know where to start.
I’m 42 yrs old. I’ve worked in factories for 20 yrs. I don’t have children. In my mind, I’m old, uneducated/inexperienced and have no excuse for it since I don’t have kids to suck my time. I wonder why I was even born if I’m not living up to my full potential as a human being. I feel guilty about the carbon footprint I’m creating as I’m not doing anything worthwhile.
It depresses me which makes me even more impotent.
See?
You are most definitely not alone. I graduated college in May. While I was there, I felt happy and successful fairly often. A lot of this I know was due to living with my five best friends who were always there to hug, cuddle, cry to, or just watch tv with. Now I’m living at home again and I’ve been feeling so much like a failure that I haven’t talked to my friends in three months. I know I should, not just because cutting off your friends is a shitty thing to do, but also because talking to them will make things better. But I’m so ashamed of how my life is not turning out the way I hoped that I can’t do it. Rationally, I know I’m doing well–I’m living at home with two of the people I love best in the world (my mom and our dog), in an area I love and really missed while I was in college, and two months after graduating I had one freelance job in my field and one regular part-time job at a wonderful used bookstore. (Seriously, these guys are great. Even though I have an employee discount, they keep waving off my attempts to pay for books, and they gave all the part-time help two weeks paid vacation while the store moved.) I know I’m doing well. I just can’t make myself believe it for more than a few minutes each day. I was only able to tell my mom about my fears and lack of contact with my friends after I burst into tears at the end of a movie one night and could not stop. She’s worried that maybe the problem is I need to up my zoloft, and she’s probably right. But whether or not it is a lack of happy pills, I’m still feeling this way. So you are definitely not alone.
You are so not alone, I feel the exact same way and have yet to figure out how to fix it. We may need to start thinking that we are not broken…
No, it’s not just you. I’ve just checked my RSS reader and seen your post, so you might not even be checking comments anymore, but here goes …
I’m married to (and adore) a fabulous man from another country, and we’ve been moving around the world for the last 8 years, living in countries that are foreign to both of us. Making and leaving friends, and always being away from family is really difficult. I’m lucky that I’ve found my other half, but I can’t work (visa reasons) and I’m at home alone in a country that doesn’t speak English, whilst he’s at work mixing with English speaking people every day.
When things get too bad, I turn to horses. I know, weird. But trust me, there’s a reason that horses are used to help disabled people. Horses have some sort of medicine in them that can’t be explained or pin-pointed, but it’s there and it’ll help you. I ride here several times a week, but it’s not just the riding, it’s being around them – even cleaning the barn – that lifts your mood.
I don’t know if there’s a barn near you, but find out if you can. You don’t have to ride if that’s not your thing, just offer to help, or clean, or brush, or lead children around on ponies. And see what a difference horse medicine can make to your moods. It really works.
Best of luck to you.
Yep, I was thinking probably one day a week I feel like I rocked it. Maybe on a really good week I could hit 2 or 3 but those are very rare. You are definitely not alone in this. But I find myself wondering if the percentage of men who feel this way would differ from the percentage of women who feel this way?
Yeah, I feel like my life is a waste and I’m doing everything wrong. I don’t take compliments well. I’m good at my job, but when my boss tells me that I did a good job writing a report, I can’t help but think about the three minor spelling errors (out of a 1000 words). I don’t have any friends because I don’t trust anyone, and I feel like I’m being selfish if I talk about myself. Really, everyone else is so busy with their lives that they don’t have time to think about me at all. I don’t ask for help with even little things, like moving a piece of furniture, because I feel like I would be disrupting someone else’s life. I am desperate to do something creative, like write the stories that play out in my head when I’m falling asleep or paint or take pictures (which I used to do). But I don’t have any education/training in these things so I think whatever I do won’t turn out good…so I don’t even start (perfectionist syndrome).
No, you are not alone.
I would say the difference between “normal” individuals and people who don’t have anxiety/depression would be, the feelings that you just described, you have to contend with 90% of the time? the other 10% of relief you get is where you probably get most of your work from your projects done. Most people will be able to resonate with a lot of what you said because “normal” people feel these feelings too from time to time “only not for sustained intervals” which would constitute a mental illness. Also there would be a high portion of people “thinking” they understand the feelings you’ve conveyed in this blog post, and will try to attribute there own personal failures and unfinished projects to an undiagnosed anxiety/depression disorder – when in fact the real reason for their failures would probably be down to their own laziness or unwillingness to commit themselves to a project they had previously set out to do. So you would have provided them with a nice little blanket/excuse to hide behind their own inactivity/failures to see through their personal goals.
It all boils down to the fact that your way of thinking as “unintentional” as it may have been, has contributed to you having a mental illness to begin with. If you have a hard time accepting compliments? then you must have quite an easy time accepting criticism. The thoughts that we think and the repeated thinking of them becomes our own personal reality. So if you keep on self-criticizing, comparing yourself to people you perceive as doing better “which is an illusion by the way” you create a reality within yourself which is a negative,energy draining,demotivating energy that will drag you down and make even the slightest of chores seem like a big task. Then through this demotivation, you are unable to finish projects adding to even more self-criticism – so you keep creating this cycle of self-criticism and self-comparison.
You need to replace these self-deprecating thoughts with more positive ones, and make these positive thoughts the thoughts that you repeat, and let them become your reality.
You are never alone.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my crazy internet family, it’s that we’re never alone in how we feel- never. There are always other people who feel the exact same way.
You are NOT alone – all the people with the pastel lives have meds in their cupboards just like the rest of us. The have unwashed laundry (well hidden, but still there) and problems with their jobs/children/spouses/giant metal chickens – they are just too darn good at hiding it from the rest of us.
It will catch up to them, sadly, and they – like myself – will join the tribe of the functioning dysfunctional!
You Rock and you are MY inspiration – just please don’t eat me, okay?
You are not alone – WE are not alone! The women with the Pastel Perfect Lives have the same issues we do with jobs/kids/spouses/giant metal chickens – they are just better at keeping it all under wraps and putting on a good show. No PTA mom is perfect – ALL laundry is not washed/ironed/put away – no one can be perfect 100% of the time.
You Rock and YOU are my hero Jenny – 100% of the time!
I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I saw this post just now, and I have to comment on it. Because I relate really strongly to so much of all the anxieties, worries, fears, inabilities to cope. I have social anxiety disorder and depression that stems from my difficulty with interpersonal relationships. I have trouble leaving the house, applying for jobs, hanging out with friends I’ve known since I was two years old. I feel like a bad ass if I make it to the grocery store to pick up some tortilla chips and salsa, which I will then proceed to live off of for a week. I recently withdrew from a university where I had a full scholarship because my anxiety and depression had reached a point I just couldn’t cope with. I’m in therapy, but so much of me feels like “This will never work, because what does it matter if I have better ways of coping with panic attacks? I’ll still never be original, funny, creative, competent or likable like everyone else in the world and you can’t fix that. I can’t achieve my dreams because I am the wrong person to be dreaming them.” So the number of days where I feel good per month is approximately zero, and it has been that way for most of my life.
But you know what? You and this blog give me hope. Because I see that you struggle with many of the same anxieties and disorders and you still get to be an awesome, hilarious person with a loving family and kick-ass office space. And that makes me think, hey–maybe there is someone awesome somewhere inside of me too. I actually aspire to your level of dysfunction.
My comment is going to get buried under the thousands of other comments here, but:
Stop comparing yourself to others. Really. By using other people as your metric for success, you are already setting yourself up to fail.
Also, what others think of you isn’t your business. What *you* think of you is what matters the most. Set your own definition for success, even if that means that getting out of bed and brushing your teeth is as successful as it’s going to get for the day. Give yourself permission to feel awesome, even for the smallest accomplishments. Really.
I also struggle with anxiety and depression, but my life took a huge leap for the better when I tried doing the above. Am I successful at ignoring them – and the associated head-pigeons that come with it – every day? No. Am I successful at everything I do every day? Of course not. But if I let my brain keep bringing me down, I’ll stay down there and never feel better.
” the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week’s homework. They don’t have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. ”
They also do not exist. They are a figment of your imagination. That’s all you need to get right. Because once you get that part right, the rest of your judgments about yourself will become meaningless.
It took me years to get this – to stop believing in the shiny, pretty people and to stop trying to be one. Luckily, the Universe kept showing me behind the curtains of various shiny, pretty people. The Wizard of Oz has nothing on them. Each has his or her own demons, and they don’t recognize how they are seen by you because they are busy looking at other folks they imagine are shiny, pretty people, and trying to be like them and thinking they are failing. And hiding their perceived shortcomings behind their curtains.
What does it all mean to you and me ? That all we need to do is make sure we set our own standards, based on our own carefully chosen values that come from the inside, not the outside. And do our best to live up to those standards. And, most importantly, make the standard that we spend part of each day doing something that makes us happy (laundry be damned) the one we never fail to meet.
I haven’t but glanced at a few replies, and I see lots of folks saying they feel the same way you do, and I know that is comforting. But, the knowledge that even the shiny, pretty people also feel the same way as you do – that is truly liberating. Because then you realize they are no different than you. You’re as shiny and pretty as they are. Honest.
I wrote a response to you on my blog. I hope you get a chance to read it. If not, please know you that you touched me and made me face many things that I have hidden deep inside. You sparked an honest discussion about my depression with my fiance and maybe helped him understand me better. YOU did all of that.
Thank you.
My response to you: http://becominneurotic.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/it-isnt-just-you/
I do not have depression right now; I do probably have anxiety issues, but they don’t require meds. I felt the way you do since I went to college, and didn’t really turn that around until recently. Part of the turn around is from taking better care of myself (I cut out gluten, corn, dairy, and cane sugar – that may not work for everyone). Part of it is having a supportive husband, and getting a good job that I enjoy.
But I still feel inadequate on a nearly daily basis. I could have done more, I didn’t do enough, I should be better at this that or the other thing. Feeling good 3-5 days a month? Yeah, about that.
It is a hard thing to lower your own bar. We don’t have cable, so I don’t see commercials. I purposely avoid ads and popular magazines, and people I follow on Facebook post about some of their crap times too. If I find that I am comparing myself to something in a way that makes me feel inadequate, I remove that something from my life. If I compare myself to it and feel inspired, then I keep it. I’ve recently learned to make my “to do list” for the day and then cut it in half immediately, because I *always* try to overachieve.
Some days I am contenting myself with just doing the chores around the house, or doing one single thing, and have that be my goal. And the next day do one different thing. By the end of the week I’ll have done 7 things, yay!
Thank you to you, Jenny and to every single person who commented. I do feel so much less alone and marginally less crazy now.
I have spent my entire life trying so very hard to feel like I’m doing something, and all I get for working so hard and striving so much is to always feel like I am not good enough. On paper it sure looks like I have done something (good schools, surviving a career change to end up in a career I am pretty sure I want to be doing), but when I look back, it doesn’t feel like I managed to do any well at all. I feel like I didn’t earn anything I got, that I basically fumbled my way through things under the radar or something.
And yet, you think by now I would have figured out that I ought to figure out what I consider being accomplished and to stop working so hard for stuff I am not sure I count as being successful at life. But, all I know how to do is work hard even when it keeps me so very unhappy. Working hard is all I can hold onto because I feel that if I stop, I am going to be even more of a miserable failure at life.
Thank you for being a place I feel safe expressing how very f***ed I feel about myself.
Never ever alone. You’ve got us. We get you. Thank you. As always, you share from the heart and it means so much to so many. Like me. xo
I frequently go to sleep and then awake thinking of the different ways I’ve f*cked up of late. During the day, I often shake my head to try to rid my thoughts of the many ways I’ve broken social codes or just done something that clearly indicates that I’m not ready to be part of the human race. It’s not just you. It’s at least some of the rest of us, as well. Capable, competent people who just feel…wrong. And incapable.
3-4 days of actual success, where I feel pretty much all day long like I “nailed it” is an overestimate right at the moment. This summer was the first summer I had my 20 month old and his 8 year old sister (who is twice as big as he is but about the same developmental level) alone most of the day most every day. Every other year we’ve had an adult or teenager or multiple adults and teenagers around most of the time.
I nearly gave up. I nearly put my middle child in therapeutic foster care because it felt like she was literally going to kill me or I was going to kill her and anyone, ANYONE could be a better parent to her than I could right now.
Keep in mind I’ve been writing about parenting for years, have been a parent for over 20 years, and in most areas, I have people telling me all day long, “Oh, you’re such a good mom.”
And I feel like crying “BULLSHIT.”
This is the summer when we finally figured out what the fuck is wrong with me. I’ve had diagnoses like fibromyalgia AND hashimotos AND sleep apnea AND hypermobile joints AND allergies AND IBS AND Factor V Leiden AND AND AND AND AND…. but all but one of those fall under the heading of Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which not only explains all that, but explains why I can’t run fast or have pretty cursive. Why I fall off my own feet. They called me a malingerer for so long and told me I was lazy and why would it hurt that much and you’ve had too much anesthetic all ready and you can’t POSSIBLY feel that…. that it feels like a fucking relief to know there’s a grand unifying theory of what the hell is wrong with my body. Bodies are 80% collagen and well, mine is all a little bit wrong. That makes so much sense.
So diagnosis finally lets me ask for help… found out about respite resources for the first time this year for my daughter. I’ve been drowning or parched and begging for help forever and the mirage is going to be an oasis soon….
I’m beginning to figure out that all the pretty people who get all that shit done probably aren’t dealing with a tenth the crap I’m dealing with. My children are in respite right now, at this moment, and boom, I’m getting shit done now that I’m not spending all day trying to keep them from hurting each other or hurting me.
I loaded the dishwasher. It was excruciating. But that makes today a success.
I’ve been a reader/fan for a couple years now but I felt compelled to comment just this once. I need to tell you that you are not alone in these feelings. I can count the number of times on one hand how many days a month that end in a feeling of even semi-success, from my perspective. It’s hard not to compare oneself to others but what helps me–and this sounds fucked up–but I try to imagine what problems are hiding just under the surface of these seemingly perfect parents/strangers. It reminds me that no one is perfect, no one has it all together, no one’s life is perfect.
Stress is the one thing we all have in common. We are constantly inundated with someone else’s idea of success: new cars, McMansions, straight-A students, beautifully coiffed & highlighted hair, perfect make-up, name brand clothing, $500 handbags, etc etc. It’s impossible to avoid so long as you are connected in some way to the rest of the world and we do so much damage to ourselves trying to keep up, trying to live up to society’s expectations. And for what? We’re making ourselves miserable trying to attain what we’re being told is happiness.
Just hold onto the things you do right, let go of the things you *think* you fucked up, and remember that no one is perfect; despite all appearances to the contrary. We have to seek our own version of happiness.
I don’t know that I’ve ever tried to keep track of the days where I feel like I was a total badass. Mostly because I get moments where I feel that way, and then something happens and that feeling is totally lost. I’m a new mom who works full-time, my house is almost always trashed, and my husband is the easiest target for my frustration because he’s always there. I apologize more often than I do almost anything else at home, but at work, no one really knows how fucked up my personal life is. Because I put on that mask that hides it all… but I crumble as soon as I walk out the door of my office and make my way to my car.
The thing that gets me through? My daughter’s laugh and the way she looks at me where I know she loves me, regardless of how fucked up *I* think I am. That look reminds me to take a deep breath, focus on the moment RIGHT NOW, and not obsess about everything else. And I’ve started ending my sentences before I start putting myself down… I say “I made my daughter laugh and giggle today” instead of “I made my daughter laugh and giggle today, but I wasn’t very nice to my husband and I ignored the cats all day”. And then I follow it up with “Tomorrow I will try to be nice to my husband just a little bit… OR I will not ignore the cats so much”. Small silly goal to some folks, I guess… but this is the path I have found to start making myself better.
I absolutely suffer from “I feel like an imposter syndrome.” I went back to school 3 semesters ago and so far I’ve taken 2 classes and in each I got an A. Rather than being proud of myself All I could think was, oh they were easy classes and oh the teachers were easy graders.
It’s amazing and sad how we all judge ourselves so harshly. I wish I had an answer or strategy, I don’t. All I know is that another class has begun and all I can think is this is the class where I’m exposed as the stupid one.
I’ve worked through depression and anxiety, and by forcing myself to face fears on a daily basis, I’ve started tackling more and more of the bullshit in this world (though I have a LONG way to go). I can honestly, genuinely say that the best answer for me (so far) has been to protect myself first and foremost but also force my way out of my comfort zone on a frequent basis (you seem to do this quite well). And to spend some time helping others. It sounds cliche, but seriously, sometimes the best medicine comes in finding a little more meaning in this oftentimes treacherous world. And also, understanding that every single one of us, even the PTA moms, are absolutely terrified of how we appear to the world. You’re a huge inspiration – thank you for this post.
I kind of think most people in the world feel like that, at least to some extent. I am forever convinced I am just on the brink of getting fired at work, for example. I just ‘fake it till I can make it’ most days.
And also, I can’t stand the PTA and refuse to join. So for goodness’ sake, don’t feel guilty about THAT.
This always helps me feel better, Aunt Jenny
http://www.quiterly.com/34315/if-you-ever-feel-bad-about-yourself
3K+ commenters can’t be wrong, and you’re so bang on that it hurts to read your entry because it is so very true for so very many people.
My late MIL taught me that it’s what you DO that matters infinitely more than what you don’t. So 3-4 days a month is a wonderful place to be. And based on what you get done on those amazing days, you’re already light-years ahead of so many others.
And you will continue to write. Brilliantly.
I have this theory that there is rampant self-loathing in the US and Britain because of the “Protestant work ethic.” It goes something like: I know I’m going to heaven because I am so successful. So we have been conditioned to constantly compare ourselves to others. But in the modern world with almost infinite options, there are then infinite ways to see of yourself as a failure. Your kids go to private school but your neighbors kids do Montessori or foreign language immersion? Failure. Doesn’t matter if it is physically impossible to do all three. You still feel like a failure. Add anxiety disorder on top of that and aaaaaack.
I have found some success combatting this in a number of unusual ways. First, I make flash cards.They go something like “what do you think when you feel like a failure? “I don’t believe in failure, I believe in learning… what can I do differently next time to prevent that from happening again?” “what is your goal in cleaning, is it to look like a magazine or to look better? To look better.” Drilling myself in these flash cards makes more “healthy” thoughts almost as automatic as my “default” ones. I use the “Anki” program for this. I feel this is the easiest, most sustainable way to feel generally positive about life. Since I’ve been doing this I’d say my self loathing incidents are down about 80%.
Another is watching “Good Mythical Morning” YouTube videos first thing when I get up. These guys sometimes talk about lousy things that happen in their life, only they don’t talk about it with regret or self loathing, but with laughter and humor. Like the Target epic fail one where their cart fell down the conveyor. If that had been me, I would have beaten myself up for like years. But they laugh and laugh… and I’ve found that if I watch it daily, I have a more lighthearted approach to all kinds of things. I’d say I go to feeling like I had a good day almost every day when I watch this regularly (and don’t read any depressing news or Facebook or pinterest.)
Finally, I am looking at ways to make my own goals be more forward in my mind than all the universe of goals that are out there. One source of inspiration here is Dave Ramsey. He has this list of goals (first, get an emergency fund… through saving for college etc.) and you simply acknowledge which goal step you are at without really bothering thinking about the others. And backing up a “level” is not a bad thing, it just is where you are at. So you don’t really focus on how you are a failure because you don’t have a college fund if you are working on that emergency fund. In my case, because I’m a bit of a hoarder, my goals are cleaning related. “level 1” is all my bills are paid. “level 2” is have a clean floor (no crap on the floor), “level 3” is no crap on surfaces… etc. For you it might be “level 1” is watching tv with kid, “level 2” is going outside for one social errand a day (bank counts), etc. Life is not pinterest perfect? Don’t matter because that’s not on my leveling chart, eh? I can’t say how well this is working because I’ve just started it.
No, it’s not just you. Comparing yourself to other people is something most of us do (with or without mental illness). Social media sites make it easier than ever to do this, since people can just post the high points of their lives, ignore the bad parts, and leave the impression (intentional or otherwise) that they have perfect lives.
I think part of the problem stems from a culture that, as you say, holds up the shiny people. And since most people only post their (perception of their) best moments/witticisms to Facebook, we get blasted with the message that if you’re not kicking ass 100% of the time, there’s something uniquely wrong with you. (And usually, there’s some amazing product/book/system that you can buy to fix it.) IMO, feeling like you kick ass 3 or 4 days a month is pretty great. It’s getting okay with the rest of the time that matters. Because it’s okay if you just get to the bank. I’ve recently made peace with the fact that I can’t do more than three things a day (i.e., work, jog, dishes). The shiny people are a myth, and they employ whole armies of stylists and managers to keep them shiny. If we can get okay with the mundane and judge ourselves less (because my god so many other people are ready to do that for us), we’ll be better off. (She repeats mantra to herself.) Also, you are amazing for the time you spend with your daughter. WIN.
I’m a little late with this and you certainly don’t NEED any more comments (and I have not read all those prior, but quite a few). Your feelings are similar to most what most of us have. The only reason you are on meds and I’m not is because at some point I just stopped caring/worrying about my own bad feelings about myself…i just figure they will go away pretty soon. You are clearly incredibly intelligent and enormously funny and a good person…three of most important traits a human can have. Go for a 10% improvement, next month go for 4 good days (one up from a “few” that you mention), try that for 6 months then go for 5 days…if you get up to 50% you will be in the elite group!
It is not just you.
I remember taking exams, thinking my good grades were just a fluke, that I had been lucky – but sooner or later someone would come along who could see right through me, and who would realise that I was just a fraud. When I started working, I was amazed at the confidence displayed by some of my coworkers, thinking that they surely must know what they were on about, and know a lot more than I…
In time I came to realise that almost all of us feel deficient, and are frightened og being found out – and that those who display most confidence are often those with the least reason to do so.
I have ME (CFS), and there are strict limits to what I am able to do without making myself seriously ill. There is an art to focusing on what I achieve rather than what I don’t do. I am not into “positive thinking” and all that – I hate this disease and there are times I get so angry, so sad, so affronted by life – but I believe that while I can’t help what happens to me, I can – to a certain extent decide how to deal with it. I chose to be impressed by myself when I finish a painting, write a blogpost – or have the energy to help my kids (and I try to stuff the anguish of not being able to do more deep into the broom closet under the stairs and slam the door on it). I am seriously impressed by you too, and grateful for the laughs your book gave me.
Definitely not just you.
I didn’t read all the other comments but I’m sure I’m repeating what others have said, which is no you’re not alone. I think other people think I’ve got it together but I so don’t. I have an ideal of what I should be accomplishing and then there’s where I’m at and never the twain shall meet. I have about 3-5 days/month when I really get stuff done, and the rest of the time the house is a wreck and I’ve spent too much time on the computer and I just suck at life, even though I have an easy life, all things considered. I have been wondering if this was mid-life crisis, since I don’t suffer from depression, but maybe it’s just the human condition? Regardless, you have made me feel better, cuz from my viewpoint you’re this incredibly funny, unique, successful individual who actually blogs and gets books published and all. And what do I do?
I cannot begin to express my gratitude for you for posting this. I myself have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, and am currently struggling with PTSD after my (now ex-) boyfriend beat me up and basically tried to kill me. But even before that happened, I’ve been really struggling with the depression side of things. I didn’t like sleeping because it was just another end to a useless day, then I’d wake up feeling disappointed I woke up. I wasn’t suicidal, but I didn’t care if something would happen and I wouldn’t be around anymore. When I’d wake up (which usually was later than I wanted) there’d be so many things on my to-do list (added on from the day before), I’d feel totally overwhelmed and my day was done before I even stepped foot out of bed. Now that I’m no longer with that boyfriend, a lot of the anxiety and depression has lifted, but I’m still struggling. People tell me how proud they are that I pressed charges, but I don’t feel it. I feel like a total fraud every time someone tells me that. I rarely feel successful for an entire day. It takes a lot of things to feel successful, but just one wrong thing will put a wrench in the entire day for me.
This post sounds really depressing and I’m not trying to make it that way :-/ I know I’m successful (I have 2 bachelor’s, a master’s, and I’m a licensed social worker) but none if it means anything to me because I don’t have a job. I can’t wrap my head around how awesome it is that I did all that by age 24 with all my medical problems because I have nothing to show for it, in my mind.
Your post sounds like you could’ve transcribed it for me. It’s so damn similar. I even found myself saying “well at least she has a kid, already published one book and is writing another. Everyone’s a couple steps ahead of you.” I’m trying very hard to stop comparing where I’m at to where other people are at, since we all haven’t had the exact same journey. Your post is very comforting to me. Now I suppose I should go shower so I can check at least one thing off my to-do list 😉
Shit, you won the internet AGAIN! 3 or 4 a month?!? You’ve doubled me. You know what the difference between you and me and all those “Leave it to Beaver” people is? Bull shit. We don’t paint ourselves to be something we ain’t. Nobody lives that life, it’s all crap! At least you and I are honest about not being on top of everything 24x7x365.
You don’t want to be on the PTA? GOOD! Best damn thing I’ve ever heard! Don’t know about yours, but ours is just a bunch of holier than thou pukes passing judgement and implying we don’t care about our kids enough. Which just shows how little they know. Piss on the whole damn lot of them, their loss. My ten year old kid that they imply I don’t care enough about just earned his fucking black belt last night, after five years of scrimping on life so he could go to karate. Maybe I should send him over to kick their asses. Life is far too short for drama queen bullshit like that!!!
Jenny, you make me smile, you entertain even when you don’t try. You care. You won the fucking internet. To hell with those who can’t see it!!!
Every day that I feel that I am successful (like most days I come home feeling like I kicked solid ass at school, should have a ticker-tape-parade I’m so good at this English teacher gig), but then something always comes along and knocks my feet right out from under me. I don’t spend enough time with my daughter. I don’t spend enough time with my animals (the dog is seriously suffering from separation anxiety and licked *holes* in himself. Because of me.). I forgot to send in money/cookies/clothes for the needy to school even though 871 reminders were sent and yesterday was the last day and now my kid is the only one not getting a prize, which is a pony. Then I try to image my body filled with a cleansing, empowering golden green light and feel myself flooded with inner peace, but then I usually get an ocular migraine and am in bed for the next two days. So, I take my little successes, and tuck them quickly into my back pocket and keep them safe from the little disasters.
You’re not alone. At all. I don’t suffer from anxiety or depression, and I’m one of those moms that people assume has it all together and is Superwoman. The secret is that it’s all a facade for most of us. As Paul Laurence Dunbar says “We Wear the Mask”. Remember that the next time you see one of those women. No one has it all together. When I’m doing well at work, my family is eating whatever they can find in the house, or McDonald’s. When I have it all together at home, I’m obviously not doing anything at work. Like you, I have 3-4 days a month I really feel productive. I have finally learned that there will always be a To Do List, and it will never be complete. I just have to be happy that I checked at least one thing off each day, and take that as my victory. I guarantee you that each and every one of those people you look at with envy thinking they have it all together feels exactly the same way that you do. They just don’t have the guts to show it.
You are not alone in this.
Lord, Lord, Lord, you are so not alone in this.
Feeling like a constant failure? Got that. Terrified to move in case I do it wrong? Got that. Realizing that whatever I did that day was the wrong thing and I failed and I suck and I’m wasting my life? Got that.
I think — and this is not an objective reality, it’s what I’m trying to do now after the thirty years of off and on therapy and the twenty years of antidepressants gave me an observing ego to think about it with — that one tactic is to remember it’s all lies. Depression lies, and mental illness lies, and they are not your friends.
I had a thought this morning. Some of the basics of an abusive relationship are to get ones victim isolated, so no one can help them or tell them the truth, and to belittle and revile them so that they lose their self-worth and don’t have the strength or the emotional distance to stand up to the abuser, and simply assume they deserve the abuse. And that is exactly what depression does. Depression is like the worst abusive boyfriend, and it wants to hurt us. I’m trying not to let it.
(Also — the happy beautiful successful people? I’ve never met any. They’re putting their best party faces on, but there’s stuff in their lives that’s tangled and broken and sad. It might not be what’s broken in our lives, or mean anything to us, but no one is absolutely successful and happy.)
You are *so* not alone in this.
I am so confused. I feel this way every single day…and worse. But I tell myself I am lucky, I have a roof, food, love…and so many have it worse than me. But then I see accomplished authors, people with graduate degrees, full time jobs, and many, many successful adults complaining of the same things I do. But I am not even close to there yet- I am still working on getting out of bed, showering, trying to leave the house and physically talk to people. I DREAM of the day I can join the real world, go to PTA, get a job, be proud to contribute to my family. And all of you are saying that even then, it never really changes?
What happened to -it gets better? It doesn’t?
I am not being sarcastic, or bitching or being jealous- (maybe a little jealous) but holding on to a tiny smidge of hopefulness is sometimes the only thing holding me together. – So there is no “Happy Normal” ? No “End of the Rainbow?”
I often feel this way to some degree. Sometimes every day, other times once or twice a week. I don’t have kids/husband & spend most of my time alone, which generally suits me but I know I should be pushing myself to get out & interact with people outside of work.
One thing that has helped me when I start to feel like this more often than not is to make a list of challenges for the week or month. They can be small things I would do anyway but I try to put some on there that are tough for me (“get out of the apartment in the evening after work” etc). It’s a small thing, but checking those things off the list *feels* like an accomplishment which seems to kick start feeling more successful at being an adult human.
Take everything you wrote, add “stay-at-home dad” and “school bus driver,” then subtract “wrote a side-splitting best-selling book,” and that would make me your older, scruffier fraternal twin separated at birth via time machine. Anyway … I think you’re doing okay. Whether your day went well or not, at least you were in that day, and I’ll bet someone was glad of that. Just … glad. 🙂
For the longest time I couldn’t imagine letting go of my depression and anxiety. After all, they were my identity. They were the cloaks I donned every day. Who would I be without them? And if they’re connected to your art you might be asking, what would I write, or paint, or compose without my anxiety or depression? Those intense feelings that make us artists also have the ability to destroy us.
Mindfulness has helped me tremendously. I tried drugs, CBT, talk-therapy, hypnosis. It was learning to accept my panic, my anxiety, my OCD, my GAD, that helped me to let it go. Being the observer rather than the participant. When I stopped running and faced the fear and said okay, what message are you trying to give me? it settled down. Because what we run from chases us.
Write your book, whatever it is. Do it for you. Everything is a five, or a six, or ten. It is what is is.
Imagine that you’re in an empty movie theatre, and you’re in the front row watching the movie of your life. You’re caught up in the emotion of it, right? Now sit in the back row and watch yourself in the front row watching the movie of your life. What does that second self feel? Now stand in the lobby. Watch yourself in the back row watching yourself in the front row watching the movie of your life. What does that third self feel?
Here’s the trick: when you’re caught up in the negative chatter, go stand in the lobby.
I know this is not a popular opinion, but I feel like I have to express it anyway. I want to try and do it in the most respectful way possible. I know not everyone will agree, but I hope everyone can at least be respectful. Anyway, I have struggled with my self image all my life. What I have discovered to be true is that we will never be truly fulfilled until we see ourselves as God sees us. I know that lots of people won’t even read on when they see this, and I respect their choice. However, I truly believe that there is a God who created and loves us just the way we are. When we truly understand that perfect love and realize that we don’t have to do anything to get it, that’s when we are able to accept ourselves and the love overflows into others as well. We begin to see other people as God sees them, imperfect people though they are. Do I always remember that? Heck no! But when I do, I’m able to let go of my imperfections and am able to see and appreciate the talents that He gave me to help others. Jenny, I know you weren’t fishing for compliments, but I just have to say that you have special and unique talents that you are sharing with the world. There is no one else that can do the things you do. I hope someday you realize that even without your enormous talent you are worthy and loved, both by people and by God. Your self worth will never measure up if you use what you do to measure it. You are worthy because you exist. Thanks for your honesty and humor. You brighten my days. 🙂
You aren’t alone. It isn’t just you. It is the nature of your illness to think you are.
I go through this all the time. Right now through I should be dancing, I am still running an incident at school over and over in my head. I have so many things to celebrate, but I thinking about something beyond my control. But living each day the best way we can is also something to be proud of.
Out of a month, I *might* feel good about myself 2-5 days in that whole time. Which is ridiculous when I think of it. I’m accomplished, I have a PhD, I’m a professional scientist, I haven’t killed anyone, and I only kicked one lady’s car this past month when she cut me off while I was walking the dog (this is a normal thing, right? taking anger out on vehicles?). But I still feel like a complete and utter failure 80-90% of the time. I too am on drugs for depression and see my therapist (I swear he should be nominated for saint-hood) every 2 weeks and he tries to convince me that my feelings of being a failure are totally misplaced. His advice, which I keep trying to put into action, is to NOT look at myself through my own eyes as they are warped and dysfunctional. He says to try and view myself as others see me (and not the other dysfunctional fuck-ups, but the more normal people who seem to like and respect me even though I figure I’m a total moron who should have her genes bleached out of the pool). It sometimes works – looking through someone else’s eyes. His comment to me was that these people who like you – they can’t ALL be wrong, right? It helps. But it’s hard work. But keep at it!!! I love reading your posts (and book) because it’s so honest – it sounds sad, but it’s nice to know there are other functionally-dysfunctional people out there with the same issues!! We should form a club and have very weird and fun meetings. 🙂
One thing that helps me, or at least that I try to remind myself of, is this “the reason we feel bad is that we compare our behind-the-scenes” with everyone else’s highlight reel”.
We judge ourselves based on our perceptions of others, when they are doing the same thing. We think they are great, they think we are great, and we each feel horrible and worthless in comparison. Funny how life is like that. I’m trying to compare less, but it’s not always easy.
Most days I’m too scared to get out of bed. If I do 1 thing, it’s a good day. I struggle w/ depression, GAD, panic and other phobias. Feelings like joy, happiness, and wellbeing don’t exist for me lately. Thank you for this post, I needed to read this.
I don’t think our ancestors (and I’m not going very far back in time) ever sat around wondering if they were doing enough. It was enough that they survived each day. I think even today that’s a pretty good barometer for success. I am, by almost all of society’s measures, a success, and I feel like I kick ass about one day per week. I really think it’s a result of modern society that we feel this way. I also think it has to do with being a mother, because I didn’t feel this way nearly as much before I had a kid. You are absolutely not alone.
I wrote this after readying your Sept. 6 entry: Your idea to write down smaller goals is dead-on. That should help.
I am one of the annoying people. When someone asks how I am, 7 times out of 10, my answer is awesome. (2 times out of 10, it’s wonderful, splendid, or great – gotta have some variety.) 1 time out of 10, I will either let my silence answer the question, or just say OK. Does this mean I feel like a million bucks all the time, and my life is figured out? Nope, it means that I have adopted the philosophy that if I say something enough times, I might start to believe it. So yes, I am awesome, *especially* when I’m not feeling particularly awesome. It helps considerably that I have a job I love, with people who get me. Of course I have days where the fan is definitely spewing something that isn’t air, but I look for something, anything, positive in that day. Even if it’s just catching a tv show, reading a book, or snuggling with a cat for a few minutes.
Despite that, I still have my issues. My work life is figured out, but my personal life could use some work. I live about as far away from where I would like to live as it is possible to be, while being in the same country. I am counting down the days until my children have gotten their lives together and moved on (In their defense, they are teenagers, so they aren’t supposed to have their shit together yet), and I would love to, one day, go more than 12 hours without sifting through a litterbox. But I have a long-term plan, right now I am in the waiting portion of that plan.
I know I am fortunate. the shackles depression forged for me, were weaker than those forged for others. I got out, and have managed to live a life I am proud of. My floors are filthy, my bathroom could use a scrub, but that’s just things. My family, friends, and cats appear to love me, so life is good.
It’s hard work, stick with it, you’re worth it.
You are not alone and you are an amazing person but I know this doesn’t help hearing it. Us anxiety depression riddled folks always have a hard time hearing that we are worthy. I have been treated for major depression, anxiety and panic disorder off and on for going on 15 years…. and I am only 30. I know for me what helps is the little things like a note I got 7 years ago from a co-worker. I had been working with one of my clients (I was a music therapist) and my co-worker happened to walk in in the middle of the session without me realizing it. He left me a note telling me how amazing he thought my singing voice was and that if I ever needed help with anything just to let him know. That note has gotten me through dark times than I care to remember. Remember those little things and they will help you get through the dark days. And I only feel normal about 10 days out of the month and thats a good month with no depression episodes.
3 – 4 days/month is A LOT
I feel “good” and “successful” maybe 2 wks a month. On other days I wake up with the feeling that a very heavy and hot blanket is wrapped around me. (and not in a comforting way). It happens often but it DOES go away, but each and every time I’m surprised by the feeling and convinced that it’s permanent. Laugh laugh laugh…it helps me 🙂
You are not alone. I feel like what I do doesn’t really matter most parts of most days, but I do a few things to make myself feel better.
1. I try to find joy in the little things that do make me happy. Ex: I love showers and pretending I’m standing alone under a warm waterfall. I also like knitting because it keeps my hands busy , my brain happy, and I’m fucking making fabric out of string.
2. I realized some time ago that even those people who appear to have the perfect life don’t. We all have something screwed up about us and we all struggle with something. Besides, you wouldn’t like their life anyway. I have to remind myself of this from time to time.
3. I play contact sports like ice hockey and roller derby because when I’m working my ass off and hitting hard I don’t have time or energy to worry about anything else.
4. I try to tell my husband I love him everyday and let him know if/when he does something nice just how much I appreciate him. That way I am making a difference for him, and he’s what really matters to me.
I hope this helps and you can use some of my suggestions for yourself.
i have fibromyalgia. i have diabetes. we ended up getting me a little dog so that i would literally have SOME reason that i would get out of bed some days. (getting out of bed and taking the dog out also made me pass the kitchen in that apartment, so that i would actually EAT, which is an issue.) she ended up saving MY life by waking me up when my blood sugar was too low. yay little dog!
but…there are days when all i can manage to do is take care of her needs and eat. and i don’t shower and i don’t wash my hair. and sometimes that goes on for several days at a time. how many good days do i have a month?
i haven’t had any good days in more than a year. i have days when i hurt slightly less, but every single day i have moments of having to stop and sit down and try not to cry because of pain. but… there’s a little dog depending on me and taking care of me, so i get up. and i put the leash on her and we go out.
Your post made me think about all the things I’ve learned to do to cope with the bad feelings and the bad habits I’ve learned throughout my life. Thinking about them reminded me how far I’ve come and how much I’ve learned so thank you for that. In no particular order here are some things I do:
*I play a game called 4 good things. When I’m feeling bad or low I list the first 4 good things that come to my mind. They can be anything, they don’t have to be about me, they can just make me happy or feel good like a sunny day or somebody’s laugh
*I watch stand up comedy
*I refute the hate voices one statement at a time. If I catch myself thinking I’m stupid or if I’m scared I remind myself of something or several things that I’ve done that were smart and or brave. If I find myself thinking about how everything is always bad and I’m always doing it wrong I refute that too.
*I celebrate every little win no matter how small (especially on the bad days) I’ll give myself a ‘good job, kiddo’ for getting the socks in the hamper just like yesterday.
*I say ‘Good morning, Pretty.’ To myself in the mirror every morning and I don’t refute it. In the bad old days I used to say ‘I forgive you.’
*I watch puppies and kittens and war veterans coming home to their pets on youtube when I need a pick me up (and also to feel better and cry anyway).
*I have a gratitude book where I write in three things I was grateful for yesterday before I get out of bed today
*I compliment myself every time I do something good, especially if it was hard or uncomfortable for me. I do that every day and don’t wait to feel bad first.
*It helps me to remember how far I’ve come and how much better I’ve learned to cope over the years
*I have affirmations that I’ve copied down and I repeat as I need them like ‘I make mistakes. I am not a mistake.’
*I look at old vacation photos, family, and pet pictures and remember what a good time we had and how cute we were.
*Sometimes I make plans for vacations, parties, trips, or adventures I might like to go on, or misbehaviors I would never actually undertake, and sometimes the weirder the better.
*I pray for things that I feel helpless over but I can’t stop thinking about.
*I remember how what I’ve learned from the bad times and the bad feelings has been helpful to other people when they needed somebody who could understand
*I remember how I’ve benefited from other people’s wisdom gained from similar experiences and from the compassion and support they were able to give me because they’d already been there and knew what I was going through
I hope any of this is helpful to anyone who needs it and that it gets passed on. Thanks for reminding me how good I’ve got it now and how far I’ve come and for all the strange and terrific and wonderful things you do and share. I hope you’re feeling better too.
My husband posted a link to your post on Facebook, and I think he did because it probably reminded him so much of how I sound when I tell him all the things that I didn’t accomplish while he was at work all day. I stay home with my two-year-old (my five-year-old just started kindergarten), and I find that I am “adrift” a lot. I have piles of things to do…sometimes literally…ok, always literally, and I have such a hard time slogging through them. I have found that making lists helps me. Checking stuff off makes one feel accomplished. Bank–check! Shower–check! Breakfast–check! I may add things I’ve already done just so I can check them off. I read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, and I’ve taken a lot of her advice. Meanwhile, do not read it thinking you can be like her. Considering what I’ve just read in your post, you’re gonna think she’s gone of those shiny people you wanna be like on occasion, although sans picnics. She has a lot of good ideas on how to just feel better, though. 🙂
Jenny-
I know there are already over 3300 comments on this and that you probably won’t actually see this one, but…. you’re not alone. I’m a hot mess of anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder and struggle daily to feel worthwhile. 2-3 days a month a feel like I do okay, but most of the time I spend my hours just trying to fake it through the day until I can hide under my covers at home while my kids eat cereal for dinner in front of the TV. Again.
But frankly, YOU are what gets me through the day sometimes. I see myself in almost everything you post – from your anecdotes, to your Victor conversations, to your honest and heart-wrenching stories of mental illness. About two years ago, you posted this: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/ I cried when I read it. I still do. I printed this post and hung it by my mirror. It’s still there and I read it nearly everyday. It reminds me that I’m not alone. That other people listen to battlesongs at 3 a.m. and cry because it somehow gives them strength in the morning. I needed that post so badly and I am forever grateful to you for sharing your pain and hope with me. With all of us. You’re my hero, Jenny Lawson. You’re a fighter when you need to be. And you’re going to be okay.
Love,
Kelly
Solace for the day: For Jenny http://goo.gl/dbAfR8
I’m currently on an extended vacation from life with my boyfriend because I was so overwhelmed at how bad at life I was feeling. I’d say 3-4 days was a good month. For the record, I have no REAL “shoulds” in my life right now and I still feel like I’m arbitrarily adding them where they don’t belong. I should be posting more on the blog, or we should be further along on the road trip than we are. But it’s a fleeting feeling instead of a constant pressure.
Yeah, me too. A couple of really good days a month most of the time shame, shame, shame. I so want to be lazy and get away from it all, but really the best days are filled with work and helping and kids and dogs and gardening. My sisters are part of my very best days too. You’re not alone.
first of all….don’t tell anyone because it will just send me into a tailspin….but you just described ME
secondly, this:
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
and THIRD, and I found this while trying to find the second thing:
https://www.google.com/#q=i'm+not+supermom&safe=off
for the record, there are 15,200,000 results for the query ‘i’m not supermom’
i should have done ‘i’m not perfect and i don’t want to be’
or ‘the critical committee in my head needs to shut up’
in fact….
https://www.google.com/#q=the+negative+committee+in+my+head+needs+to+shut+up&safe=off
27,700,000 results
and
https://www.google.com/#q=i'm+not+perfect+and+don't+want+to+be&safe=off…yeah…552,000,000 on that one.
i think it’s safe to say WE ARE NOT ALONE
also. start enjoying that you are not, in fact, like the pretty committee at your school. once i gave it up i started showing up to pick up my kids barefoot in my mountian momma/throwback hippie skirts and i totally BEAMED with happiness when they would look at me with noses in the air because they have no idea i often taught their children art through the parks and rec center….but they don’t recognize me…so the hypocrisy actually tickles me purple and blue (because those are my favorites) because their true colors are sort of a muddy brown while mine are more….rainbow tie die. lol. be nice to yourself. you rock!! there is only one of you!!! even if you only have 4 days a month that you feel are actually up the par you want them to be…you have affected, and caused hundreds of thousands of laughs and caring and i’m pretty sure that balances out somewhere.
also…i had to start a journal …and i write in it (when I remember……lol) (and i try not to judge myself for that too because it still works even if i don’t remember to do it every day) what i did during a day. and i find that often at the end of a day or week i will feel like i did nothing…..i can go through that list and say, girl…..you totally don’t give yourself enough credit. look at that!!! you felt like total SHIT and you sorted laundry. you BADASS. AND you even did most of the dishes. and meditated….even if it was really staring out the window i get points for quiet brain time….lol. and you know we do deserve credit for those little things we do because we are not dealing with a normal set of circumstances. and often times I actually do do many little things in a day that add up to i never gave up. and that’s what counts.
fall down seven times, stand up eight.
you have a thousands strong army of people that love you and are sending you good energy and love and support
let it in <3 we love you and have absolute faith in you and count on you not to be normal so we can not be normal too and still know there is potential to be as badass as YOU.
I just want to feel like my life is not just slipping away. That I am worthwhile. And this is how I feel when I am well. I don’t know if I am comforted or disheartened that so many people feel the same way.
I don’t have depression or a personality disorder or a mental illness (that I’m aware of, anyway) and I TOTALLY feel like this sometimes! But what I’ve learned is that we tend to BELIEVE it when other people seem perfect, but then we don’t believe that we ourselves are even “good enough”. I have learned to embrace “good enough”.
I’m glad to have read your next post already, where you said you were going to “lower the goddamned bar”. Because that is exactly what I would suggest. Trust me, everyone (except narcissists) has something(s) that they think they’re fucking up on. It might not be the same things as you think you are fucking up on, but the thing is, you’re probably not ACTUALLY fucking up. And neither are they. You’re doing “good enough”. And that’s “good enough”. So relax!
There’s so much I want to say in response to this post, but since you have over 3400 comments, I’ll keep it brief. First I want to tell you that I also suffer from depression and anxiety and various other fun things, as well as the Imposter Syndrome you mentioned which I had NEVER heard of and truly thought it was just a “me” thing until I read your post.
But the thing I want to tell you is that those perfect people with perfect lives? They’re NOT. I swear. One way I know is that I obsessively check mugshots.com (it’s an addiction) and I can’t even count how many times my jaw has dropped open because I’ve seen one of those ‘perfect’ people on there. The ones I thought had it made, had it all. Beautiful people with beautiful houses and beautiful children, and they’re out there doing drugs, drinking and driving, etc. Or cheating or any number of things. I am 40 and it seems like this is the time in life when peoples’ facades begin to crumble. It’s really opened my eyes to the fact that NOBODY is as perfect as they act and it seems to me that those who act so perfect are really the most fucked up. Those of us who are honest and real are still fucked up but it’s not as bad and it’s less devastating in a way because we don’t have a perfect reputation to destroy.
I wish you the best. xoxo And your posts, like this and others, help me SO MUCH.
I also struggle with low energy, depression, and a nasty anxiety disorder. I often have *one* thing that I get done in a day and sometimes not even that. I somehow, like you, manage to look functional from the outside. I have a job (that I do mostly from home), I have friends, I have a house, I post fun things on FB and Pinterest. But … yesterday, I watched the entire first season of Orange is the New Black and went to the grocery store. That was it.
I find this quote especially helpful and relevant to those of us who spend a lot of time online and on social media:
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Steve Furtick
If you haven’t read this yet, I find that it resonates as much for a person with chronic mental illness(es) as it does for people with chronic pain.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Thank you for letting me know that *I’m* not alone.
~L
So I have a theory, and you might think it’s a bit wacky – but I think the “I’m worthless” feeling is generated by something inside a person that wants to keep her down. I know for me, I came to realize that part of me was afraid to lose that feeling and was holding onto it, however painful and counterproductive it was, because somehow it gave me an excuse to suffer in silence or not perform.
Last summer, I came to a crisis point and deep down decided to let it go, that I didn’t want it anymore. It was almost like an exorcism, in which it was as if I pushed out something that had a hold of me, but with my cooperation. When I truly decided I wanted it out and would *not* let it back in, ever, my life changed. Since then, I just don’t allow thoughts of not being good enough. Yes, there are painful times, times when I face difficult things about myself, but I never let them progress to beating myself up or letting myself feel worthless – because that then spirals into depression, etc. What’s the point of that? Who has time or energy for it?
Not sure if that comes across well, but feel free to get in touch if you want to talk some more about it.
Dear Jenny,
I read you blog regularly and I love your humor. I don’t suffer from depression or any anxiety disorders so I can’t comment on how you feel or how to feel better. I can however, let you know that “the shiny, pretty people I see at Parent-Teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or on Pintrest who seem to totally have their shit together”, they don’t always have ALL their shit together either.
I’m not saying that they’re fake. I’m saying that they just don’t let people see the “bad” stuff. I’m not telling you to hide your “bad” stuff. I’m telling you that everyone has bad stuff. And it’s ok. They suffer from what I call “Perfection Attainability Disorder.” We all do I think. They just do a better job at looking the part. They have issues too. Everyone does. Everyone has something they wish they were better at. Everyone has something they wish they could have done that day or that hour or something they regret.
I know you suffer, and I know I can never do anything but sympathize because I don’t know how you actually feel, but I hope I’ve helped. At least for a little confidence boost. Because I think your amazing. Your outlook on the world has me in stitches at times. You look at most things with such a sense of humor. The world is not out to get us. We are out to conquer the world. (Figuratively speaking of course. If the NSA reads your blog, I’m not actually out to conquer anything but training my dog to pee outside EVERY TIME.)
Lastly, I want to tell you that I appreciate you. Not only as a person, but for this blog especially. My ex suffers from depression and since he won’t talk, (shocker!) I can delve a little deeper into how this asshole of an illness can affect someone. Thank you for that.
Oh, honey, don’t be so hard on yourself. I work full-time and go to school full-time (did I say I’m soon to be 54) and I worry that the degree I never got will be useless (and very expensive) when I finally finish school and get it. And while I’m determined to get the degree, these past two semesters have been a struggle. There’s family shit going on and money crap and treading water and not concentrating where I should. And did I mention that the room I do my homework in has turned into a big pile of papers, books, and crap all on top of more crap. Hubby seems to think whenever he cleans up anywhere else that it all goes into this room or the garage. And I have no energy to do anything about it because of work, school, not enough sleep. I finally went for the sleep study … turns out I have sleep apnea — only getting about 50% of the oxygen I should when I sleep. Freakish huh? I wonder what life would be like with 8 hrs of sleep with even just 80% oxygen (not too optimistic here). And then I wonder why my dr hasn’t followed up on the sleep study with me . . . which segues into hmmm who is getting my medical correspondence since I’m obviously not. Oh, and I’m procrastinating on 3 college assignments due tomorrow… And this is all after the prostate cancer surgery hubs had last Dec which has put a serious dent into my sex life. (Can you say new vibrator?? And weight gain . . . time to get back on that diet.) So, the bottom line is … sometimes you just gotta stop worrying. The moon will move and stars will align differently. And we just keep doing what we need to do. Take joy when you can but don’t beat yourself up about those other moments. There are a lot more of us norms than Stepfords and we embrace you fully. And BTW you don’t have to worry about the book. It’ll turn out fine. And if they’re giving you crap about deadlines, tell them that they are not being a good publishing company/editors, that your people think that obviously they have not trolled the internets and sent you enough taxidermied (yeah I made that up too — take that Oxford) companions to stoke the wheels of inspiration and remind you of thoughts lurking behind the gray (or is it grey) clouds. Love, Chris
PS I’ve also successfully procrastinated past a possible family reunion that I was supposed to help pull together because I’ve discovered that several cousins piss me off seriously over their gay hatred which came out (to me) after the Boy Scout gay vote. Let’s just say that if I was starving and homeless, I’d beg in the streets rather than throw myself upon their (professed) christian charity.
PSS totally love to come here at the end of the week to read what you’ve written. I hoard you like ice cream and force myself not to look every day… just on Saturday. And btw I totally love your Pinterest board. It stirs my creative juices and makes me laugh out loud (just like your book did).
Holy crap it took a long time to get to the bottom of this page to leave a comment. One that no one may ever read anyway but here it goes, ok, my thoughts. I cannot understand what you are going through because everyone’s experience is their own and unique. My experience however, I have general anxiety disorder with extreme die-a-phobia.I do counseling. I choose not to take medication which is a challenge in itself. But, I mediate for at least 10 minutes daily, exercise for 30 and I’m super conscious of of the foods that I eat because diet can make me just as crazy as anything else. On any given day and almost everyday I talk myself into having a heart attack that I never have. Some days I am too scared to leave the house. Most days I am scared to leave the house. I leave the house everyday. While some may think that is a success I cannot see past it’s struggle. I think we, I mean society, as a whole, set too many standards and expectations. Why is it not okay to just accomplish the bare minimum of survival in a single day? If you’re doing that you are already exceeding a lot of other people.
I feel that way all the time, and I meet more and more people who do, also.
As for the writer’s block, a friend told me about Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk. I love what she has to say:
I know I’m only the 3347th post you have received on this story. I just want to say you inspire me. I to suffer from depression and anxiety. Every minute of every day I feel the same way, I judge myself more then anyone else. And when the “Ugly Me” speaks so loud its hard to not believe the things its saying.
Just know you inspire a complete stranger and she Loves You For It
I know I’m only the 3347th post you have received on this story. I just want to say you inspire me. I to suffer from depression and anxiety. Every minute of every day I feel the same way, I judge myself more then anyone else. And when the “Ugly Me” speaks so loud its hard to not believe the things its saying.
Just know you inspire a complete stranger and she Loves You For It
I feel that anxiety about the miraculous projects I’ve been invited to work on. Gee, glad it’s not just me.
After 1/2 hour walk, I feel like a different person. If I don’t get my walk I’m not myself.
Then I sit down and say I’m only going to work on it for TEN MINUTES. I make myself sit down with it and start the 10 minutes. Then I get up & walk away from it 🙂
<3
On the days you just existed, that can be an achievement too, because every day, someone somewhere can’t cope with life so much that they choose to stop existing. Today, you didn’t give up. Go you.
Oh Jenny you are not alone! I think we mothers feel that a lot but I know exactly where you are right now.
Like you, I want to run before I can walk, I set my own bar far too high and I hide (except for Hubby) just how crippling my own lack of self-esteem is. I have just returned to work after 5 weeks on sick leave and spend most of my days wondering how I can get so little completed in 8 hours. I am waiting to hear if I can get a change of job due to my disabilities, luckily in an area I will enjoy but my new boss has been my mentor for 8 years and I am so scared of letting him down.
I am thinking that therapy should be free!
Hey, sometimes you feel fucked up – it’s all good. We are, collectively as a species, truly fucked up. At least you’re doing it in style!
Keep rocking, Jenny!
This sounds perfectly normal to me. And if I get to feel that I kicked ass 4-5 times a month I’ll be quite happy with my life. I’ve suffered from depression in the past, but I don’t think it has got anything to do with it. Most of the time I feel like I’m not doing enough, wasting my time, talent and energy. Doubting, in the next breath, that I even have any talent to waste. Being confronted with successful people makes me feel the worst because I doubt I will ever manage to get where they are. So why even try?
But the truth is that we are all only human. I’m supposed to make mistakes and I’m supposed to not always learn from them. I think failure, doubt, and insecurity are part of being a human being. We all don’t really know why we’re here and we all don’t know where we’re going. Most people just manage to hide it better. And then there’s this weird issue of not talking about things. Depression, mental illness, struggling relationships. It all happens on the down low. Because we wouldn’t want anyone to know that we’re less than perfect.
In order to feel better about myself I try to keep in mind what a friend once said; that we as individuals are absurdly insignificant. That in 100 years no one will even know that I was here or care to know what I did while I was alive. It puts things in perspective and takes the pressure off.
Okay, so this probably comes either too late or 1365 people might have already said it (no way I can read all the comments, although they are so beautiful), but I am going to put it here nevertheless:
I always break my tasks (work related, household or private ones) up in small bits. I then put those small bits on a list, and then I can cross them off and have a visual confirmation that I did achieve something.
I also put things on my list which I accomplished but which weren’t on the list, just so I can cross them off. Might sound a bit childish, but in the end, it helps me realize that in the time I didn’t use to accomplish my “tasks”, I still did something, Depending on how I feel, this can vary from bigger things like “hang laundry” or “clean toilet” to small things like “cook dinner” or even “eat dinner”, or “soak up some sun for 15 min”. What I don’t put there are things that I know aren’t good for me, e.g. “eat too much chocolate” or “watch 2 hours of stupid TV shows I don’t even like”. That way, even if I do them, I don’t have the visual proof for it and despite see all the “good” things I did – helps me not to beat myself up for the “bad” stuff too much.
Also, I got better at cutting myself some slack and am still learning to get better at it. I just repeat to myself “I did what I could today, and I cannot do more than I can” (well, I tell myself this in German, so the English translation might not make any sense at all…). I mean, I am the person I am with the struggles I have and if there are days when I can’t accomplish any more than keeping myself alive, then that is all I can do, and it is fine, too!
What helps, too, is trying to believe/getting better at believing what my wondeful partner says. It is difficult to accept his perception of me sometimes because it differs so much from my own at times, but you know what? Even if it is not my truth, it is his. So, even if I don’t think I am wonderful, funny, beautiful, intelligent, smart, kind, or whatever else, I still am, because his reality counts as much as my own.
I honestly don’t know if any of this makes sense to you, or if it helps. I hope you find your very own way to make some changes, whatever they may be.
Jenny, like so many others have said, you’re not alone. I’ll just give you a different perspective.
I’m a nightshift RN at a small hospital. At night, I’m as high as the chain-of-command goes. If we have a code, I run it. If someone needs to be sent out to a neighboring facility, I make the decision. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had mini out of body experiences where I’ve looked down and wondered how on earth so many people thought I was qualified to make all these decisions. I even won two nursing awards this year. What the hell? People ask me about them or (almost worse) my husband TELLS people about them and all I can responds with is, “I’m not sure how that happened” or “just lucky I guess”. The impostor feeling? Oh yeah. I can relate.
Periodically, I’m able to take a deep breath, however, and give myself a reality check. Sure, I may compare myself to these Florence Nightingales around me and find myself coming up short. But what if I compare myself to everyone else? Where do I fall in that spectrum?
*Legal Disclaimer – all of this is hypothetical (ahem)*
We might have the occasional nurse that is lacks in her skills to the extent that one patient may get another patient’s medication causing me (the person that caught it) to have to report it and start a huge, ugly investigation. Or there could be a nurse that, when a confused patient swears at her, gets physically aggressive with him to the point that she ends up going before the state nursing board. Or I may come across dressings that don’t get changed, incorrect documentation, or negligence – all requiring immediate intervention.
Geez. I don’t do any of those things. Comparatively speaking, I’m a rock star!
We’re not perfect. We may not find out names in history textbooks years down the road (well, you might – you’re book is pretty popular – me: I wipe butts). But we’re not on the news either. Nobody is calling CPS to report us as horrible parents. We’re not engaging in self-harm behavior. We’re not malicious and oblivious to the damage we cause others.
In my mind, it comes down to a few things. Can I live with how I treat others? What will my kids remember when they look back on their childhood (was the house spotless or did I focus on making it to the plays and games – sometimes you just can’t have both)? Does my husband know I love him? And, finally, if I were talking to someone in a life identical to mine, would I be judging them so harshly? If not, why do I deserve to be held to a higher standard than everyone else on the planet? It doesn’t make any sense.
Lengthy, but there you have it. 🙂
Take Care
Oh Pleeze…..you have thousands of people hanging on your every word, plus a wildly successful book and you seriously care about some low rent PTA big hair designer handbag Kadasian wannabes???? Get over it, we would KILL to have your talent, never compare you to anybody, you are unique!!
Self talk was the best thing therapy ever taught me. It has been made fun of but truly the best book I ever read and actually used and participated in was Recovery Of Your Innerchild by Lucia Capacchione . I did the drawings , wrote the letters to the critical parent inside my head. I have to remind myself those negative thoughts are Stinkin Thinkin . We need to be our biggest fan, friend and cheerleader.
I start ever morning looking for a laugh and it always begins with you .
Maybe.. one day? that might be generous. I’m a former HS Valedictorian and college Summa Cum Laude for whom the stars just never seemed to align. I’m a SAHM and although I love it (I mean, who wants to go out and actually drive to work to sit around and stare at all the pinteresty fakers for 8 hours anyway?) I had lots of goals but I hit a roadblock every single time and then felt like I ran out of ‘time’ to do anything before needing to settle down and have kids. So I feel like I flounder while all my ‘no kids’ friends reach higher and higher and take great vacations and drink wine and all sorts of stuff….it seems so glamorous.
I’m sure I have anxiety and depression issues but have never been medicated. I just slowly claw my way back up, one submersion at a time. I mean who can feel 100% when their preschooler practically knocks their toddler unconscious and then the toddler craps their pants, and meanwhile you’re pregnant and feel like, ‘shit, now what?’ — because doesn’t the OMG stage always hit when you’re so freaking huge you can’t do a damn thing but clean up the mess? Yeah. That’s me.
So I just take the stolen moments. The time when we packed up the kids at nearly 7 and took them OUT for ice cream– and they smiled and were bubbly and happy and not screamy at all and my husband and I both had this look of contentment on our faces for a WHOLE HOUR. Bliss! Blessings! and you bet your sweet tush I posted on Facebook about it, because that kind of thing never happens.
I think this is a universal feeling. Even the most emotionally healthy people are healthy only part of the time. The problem is that most people don’t talk about it, they just put on “healthy masks” so everyone else thinks they are fine all the time. As for the PTA moms – being a PTA mom is their calling – they change the world on a local level. Your calling is to change the world on a global level. Neither job is easy and both jobs are necessary.
I’m 3351 commentor so if you read ths hopefully you’re already starting to feel normal but just I case you need to hear it from someone else….
I’m probably one of those women you see at the PTA who has friends and looks like she’s got it all together but believe me, nothing could be further than the truth. Right now I feel like I’m failing at life EVERY day. You wouldn’t know it if you met me, Im chatty and happy and seem fine but I’m drowning. You are so not alone. Know that even those of us who appear to have together often don’t. Life is fucking hard and if you find the answers send them my way. One thing I do know is that it’s worth it to keep treading water cos this shit has got to get better! Big love xxx
This is not intended to be a helpful suggestion but rather an illustration of how much I feel the way you describe.
I keep a log every day of how much exercise I’ve gotten and how much productive work I’ve gotten done. A lot of days it looks like this: exercise–walked around the block twice. Productive activity–sprayed bedroom for fleas, cooked dinner. And that’s it. That’s all I’ve done to justify my existence.
Once in a great while I accomplish something; I do some volunteer work (1.5 hrs a week recording textbooks for dyslexic students) or I get some PRN work (averaging less than one day a week–I used to work 20-30 hrs/wk). My kids are grown, and though they are awesome people I can’t take credit for that. I have an excellent marriage to an amazing man, though most days I can’t imagine what he gets out of the deal. On the really bad days, like Allie Brosh, “I don’t actually plan to kill myself, I just wish I could somehow become dead.”
From the outside, I’m the mother of three amazing children, with a kind, funny and loving husband, some cute pets, interesting hobbies and volunteer work that regularly gets me kudos from my co-volunteers. Not so much with the picnics and the grooming, but I look pretty together.
From in here, it’s a different story most days.
You are most emphatically not alone.
Oh sweetheart. Me too. Here’s the truth:
I almost killed myself in March. I have been dealing with really terrible situational despression. I almost killed myself because I am hurt and sad and depressed and alone in a place where I don’t know anyone. Oh, and homeless. At the moment I am living in my car. I have been living there for 3 months and 25 days total, for February and March and again starting July 15th when my landlords pulled some serious nasty on me and I had to get out.
I spend my days in a coffee shop and my nights staring at the ceiling of my car and sometimes I think that none of this is ever going to change. I closed my blog for a little because I couldn’t figure out how to stay positive in the midst of all of this. (A mistake, I think. I’ve blogged for around 3 years and I miss it. So I’m going to open another one in a few weeks. I had a very small blog, but the people there were really good people. I miss them. I just couldn’t handle it during my dark nights of the soul.)
I’m a good person. A really good one actually. I’ve actually stopped a few of people from killing themselves over the years. If you are in trouble, I will always run toward you. I try to be kind, even if it’s not returned. I try to be consciously compassionate and sometimes I miss the mark, but I am aiming. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. But I try my hardest to be a person of character. I don’t say this to say, wow, look at me, but to say I should think better of myself. I really should.
I got torpedoed by all of this. And my life overall has been a hard one. I sit at night wondering what is wrong with me that I can’t even manage renting a room in someone’s home without them wanting to hurt me. For people to use me as a whipping dog. What is wrong with me that I seem to be failing at life. (Knock off crying in the coffeeshop, self. Knock. It. Off.)
I finally decided that I needed to just stay with it. That there were people who didn’t deserve me dying and being left. That even if it’s in teeny tiny ways, the world can’t handle losing another person who is trying to do good, even if that person is a giant mess: fat, toothless (a bad infection), hurt and uninsured, old and ugly beyond imagining. Someone people feel free to treat really poorly. The tiniest kindnesses are saving my life. The smallest hello. A stranger’s smile. The baristas’ kindness. Ropes of hope from strangers that they throw out to me, not even knowing they are doing so. Because, the things that were killing me were the cruelties, the sneers, the rousting out of parking lots, the assumptions (so many assumptions), the ignoring me when I say hi when they are staring at me, the looking in my car and taking inventory, the not moving when I say excuse me, the bullying, the treating me as though I were half the time invisible and then treating me like a personal whipping dog the other half. And the thoughtless jokes people make about toothlessness and homelessness and fatness. They are arrows, every one of them.
My brother has been strength and support. And there are a few other people in there as well. (A few blog friends and one person IRL.) So in that I am lucky. And I know it.
I have handled all of this poorly, I’m ashamed to say. I keep thinking I should be stronger. I refuse to say I am broken, but I am bleeding and beaten up and limping (that last both literally once in awhile as well as figuratively 😉 ) , for sure. And once in awhile, when I am in the middle of trying to pull myself up, someone comes along and kicks me and pushes me down. Just for the fun of it.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I would end up here. But here is where I am.
Bad days out of the month were 30 of 30 until a couple of weeks ago. I decided I need to try and change this. This is not to say that I think depression is a matter of simply deciding to be better. I know it is not. But I am trying to work through it even if it doesn’t change things every day.
I started writing a book. I’ve written my whole life, it’s what I want to do and so I’m doing it. Writing helps me want to live (although writer’s block is utter hell, admittedly) and so I need to write. Even if I just look at the page and say “wtf, wtf, wtf” over and over again. (And yes, it’s zombies. Because I relate right now. But I promise not to ask you to read it. 😉 )
I have some art projects that will happen once I’m a little more stable home-wise. (And let’s face it, I could hardly be any less stable! Not that that’s an invitation to the universe to prove me wrong. So avert, avert, universe. Behave yourself!)
I’ve actively decided to live. That even if every day is like this one for 30 years, I have to stay alive and see if I can help make the world a better (and less depressing) place. One good thing about depression is that it is an indicator that one’s heart is not shut down and closed off and cold and frozen. And the world needs all the open hearted people it has. It’s the single most important thing we can be, I think.
I’ve decided to not hide about going through this. I talked about it a little on my blog a bit ago. I am going to start blogging again. I am going to take a page from your book and be transparent and let the chips fall where they may.
You and the other people going through this deserve to know none of you are alone. So I’m going to be brave and try to make the world a tiny, teeny, wee bit better for someone out there, I hope.
And things are starting to move a teeny, tiny bit for me. Just the tiniest, but they are getting better. Just a little, but I’ll take it. Depression is the worst. So the good news is that I have 4 or 5 days out of 30 that are good now. And that is huge. I’ll take that too.
One last thing: I have a new mantra: I am bigger than my problems, no matter how big they are.
And I think all of you are bigger than your problems too. Not that they necessarily go away. It’s life. Life, by definition, is problematic. I know this. But I am determined to be bigger than they are. And to go ahead and live. May as well not try to leave the ride before it stops on its own. Because life, by definition, is also wonderful. And I know that too.
Lots of love your way. And to everyone going through the hard. You are, none of you, alone. And we, the world, need you.
Definitely not alone.
You are not alone. I’m a successful engineer at a multinational company and I generally feel like I’m making it up/getting it wrong 75% of the time. This especially applies to parenting decisions.
I find that really listening to the lyrics to Trina Magna by Blues Traveller helps me when I feel like I don’t have a handle on the being a person thing.
Cut yourself some slack. Everyone edits their online appearance. Even me. I’m a pretty open book, but I don’t generally post pictures of my unwashed hair while I’m still in my pajamas. I’m the mom at the grocery store whose hair is in a pony tail because it’s day 3 and she hasn’t had time to use the bathroom without a child barging in, let alone shower. Those clothes I’m wearing? I threw them on right before I walked out the door. I had my pajamas on all day prior. That picture I posted of the piece of pumpkin pie on my desk that I’m eating for breakfast? I cleared off that corner for the picture. You can’t see the amount of chaos that is the rest of my desk. The back of the couch is blocking the parking lot of matchbox cars that has taken over my living room. We are all our own worst critics.
Dear Jenny,
I LITERALLY have a picture of you on my wall above my computer as one of those attempts at visualizing the path in life I would like to take. Not because you have a book published, or have the greatest blog in the universe, but because you are human and totally make me feel better about being me every time you post.
As someone who struggles with mental illness, writer’s block, and impostor syndrome, I know that nothing I say here will completely convince you of your worthiness. Sometimes I think that the very best people in the entire world are so amazing because they can’t see how fucking awesome they are. So they strive every day to make a difference because they can see that this world is so fucked up and that the very least they can do is give it their best. Over and over and over. Yes, it’s exhausting, but it’s punctuated with awesome taxidermy and blogs like yours.
*HUGS FOREVER*
Love Erin
p.s. I wish I could give you a pug. Just because they are awesome and you are awesome and you two would totally get along.
While I have moments where I feel successful, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a whole day if feeling away. I look at all these other people my age and younger who have done so much with their lives and feel like a complete failure. (I’m also PMSing right now which makes it worse.) I wonder how much of it all is pressures we put on ourselves and how many of us just have jacked up hormone levels.
Oh, and Jenny, I say this with much love, but those pretty, shiny PTA people are even more fucked up than we are.
PS. Spell check recognizes PMSing as a valid word.
I can completely relate. I often feel like I am not good enough, that I don’t do enough, that I don’t improve. I have very few days in a month where I feel like I am like the rest of human beings. I often internalize all my anxiety, worry, and depression. I compare myself to others and their accomplishments and even when I do something right I feel like it wasn’t enough or I tear it to apart with all the thoughts of how it could have been better or how much more I can do. I have chronic pain with stomach pains, which are around because of stress/anxiety/dairy allergy and currently I have a back injury which has put me on modified duty. Even though I hate my job (the only thing I like about it is the 3 people I work with right now) and I am going back to school to switch careers, I still care to much about it and my boss likes to point out all of my flaws. Which just makes me dread going into work everyday and makes me feel like a failure. The only thing lately that has been getting me through my day is my two dogs (rascal and b) who love me unconditionally, even when I am in so much pain I feel like I can’t get off the couch they still love me and only expect me to open the door and get them food and in their eyes that makes me perfect. I am married and I love my husband but I don’t think he understands what I am really going through sometimes, but the dogs seem to and just want to be their for me with no extra questions. That is just about the only thing that gets me through the day. I can understand how your daughter gets you through the day because I honestly have always wanted a child to share my love with.
Jenny, I am the same, same, same! I operate on about 10%. I do great the first 10% of anything–a book, a project, whatever. Then I just fall apart. The thing is that my 10% is pretty fucking amazing (if I do say so myself) and other people look at me and go “Wow! How cool to be Karla!”. They don’t see my tragically messy house (boxes unpacked for the last THREE moves–oh yeah, the last one was friggin SEVEN years ago!!–, the tragically messy life (overweight, overstressed, overachiever), the pile of pills I frequently forget to take (shit, forgot again yesterday!!), the imprint in my mattress from all the hours I have spent hiding there, or the “shame pile” of project folders and medical bills that I keep in big piles strategically scattered about, to churn them once in a while–to see if something easy/doable/attractive floats to the top, or to remind myself what a real fuck-up I truly am. The point of my comment (what? there’s a point?!) is that maybe EVERYONE or at least the most interesting people are all operating on their own little 10% and that’s about the best they or we can hope for?? I mean, last week I didn’t wash my hair ALL WEEK, and thanks to some fragrant products and a natural nappiness that only calms down with oil, I don’t think anybody even noticed! At least none of the bright pastel people whose names I can’t remember or maybe whom I never met before (what’s the difference, really?!). I just smiled at all of them.
Vivan los desorganizados! Long live the disorganized, the depressed, the 10 percenters! We will lurch through life somehow. 🙂
“They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it’s not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground he wouldn’t have invented couches. I just don’t want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment that day was going to the bank.”
This is me. Like, seriously. For me it’s centered around my professional self. (I’m a teacher.) I run a pretty tight ship in my classroom and don’t do the buddy-buddy thing with my students that a lot of teachers at my school seem to do, and I have real rules with real follow-through and so I’m not always the most popular kid on the block. (And, rationally, it’s not like kids despise me, and we still have plenty of fun in my class, blah de blah.) And so I have this weird dichotomy of, woe is I, kids don’t flock to my room just to hang out after hours, BUT, wait, I don’t really want that, and I definitely don’t want to be the teacher with questionable boundaries who gives out their cell number to the kids n shit. But damned if that isn’t hard to internalize in a comforting way.
The imposter syndrome resonated with me, too; I feel like I’m always about to be “found out” to not be all that smart.
Life is complicated. Thank you for this post <3
You seem like the rest of us to me. Reading your post, I realized how “normal” you are and how you are just like the rest of us. I screw up stuff all the time. I have learned to laugh at myself. Of course, I acknowledge to whomever I have I offended the error of my ways and work to fix it. I, too have had anxiety and depression. And I am a social worker. We are all human. We are allowed to be the way we are.
You are 2-3 days ahead of me each month.
My roommate committed suicide in December. My father had a stroke in April which resulted in moving my parents closer to the rest of us. Work is a total fucking wreck. My house looks like something from a tv show, not hoarders, okay, maybe hoarders.
I, too, am medicated and should be motivated but just can’t find a spark to get me going. Our Hyperboyle friend described the entire thing PERFECTLY. I asked my sister to read it so she would understand why I feel the way I do and she never did read it.
The only reason I get up everyday is because my demonic kitty princess wants milk and won’t let me stay in bed. I have to work to pay my mortgage so I go to the office and mostly pretend to be productive.
I keep hoping it will all turn around and THAT my dear, is why I read your devine diatribes and say to myself, “exactly, what SHE said”. Perhaps some taxidermy would make it better…
Love you lots. Your misery is my (our) company and thank God you are brave and amazingly gifted enough to put your thoughts out there for all of us to totally relate to and find stability in what you perceve as instability.
I didn’t have time to go through all of the comments here, and you probably won’t even get to mine, but I had to write something. Guess what? You’re one of those “shiny people” to me. Like you said, from the outside looking in you look completely awesome despite your “disorders.” I have diagnosed disorders too and can only dream of being as successful as you are. And you know what? I might be! How would I know though – I can’t see through all the baggage!
I wish we could all see ourselves the way other people see us, and maybe we’d be a lot easier on ourselves.
Hang in there.
How many days in a month do I feel like I kicked ass?
Honestly, once or twice a month.
Like you, Jenny, I’m a writer. After years of futzing around with it, I finally decided to be serious about it. And now that I’ve come out of the closet as a an author all I can think is… “I didn’t make my word count today.” “I haven’t had anything worth publishing in a while.” “This cover look so HORRIBLY!”
Then there are the occasional days when stuff gets done. I write myself a list of things I need to accomplish, and I feel better as I cross them off. When I have a long list of crossed off things I feel better. On days when I publish another short story, or finish a chapter of my book, I feel awesome.
And I try not to re-read stuff I’ve already written. That just makes me feel bad, and then I want to rewrite it again. Once it’s done, it’s done, and I leave it to the readers to decide if they like it. So far it’s been a great response, so I’m going with their point of view, since mine sucks.
And just look at all the people here cheering you on… I only have a couple dozen fans, and it feels great. Just remind yourself “DEPRESSION LIES!” and keep going. Because you’re awesome!
Absolutely spot on. I feel like this a lot of the time as well. I’m a freelance artist and writer who works from home, and if I happen to spend a day cleaning the house from top to bottom and not working on my monsters, I feel like I wasted a whole day and got nothing accomplished. I feel guilty if I take too much time to read blogs instead of writing on my own. I think these feelings tend to affect freelancers and stay at home moms more so than people who work a 9-5 job. For myself, I don’t have a set schedule or set things that I do everyday to get to my goal, and therefore it’s easy to get sidetracked. I often feel unaccomplished when going to bed because I focused on the wrong things for that day. I think having a set schedule will help, and writing out goals for the day that are attainable.
Also- you mentioned that other people seem like they have it together and are living their shiny perfect lives. Please know that they don’t have it together any more than the rest of us. The image that people put out into the world on social media sites and blogs isn’t genuine. Everyone makes themselves look better in the public eye. Generally the people who aren’t complaining about how much their lives suck on Facebook are the people who are truly suffering with something but trying not to show it. I’m sure plenty of people have come to your site and read your hilarious outlook on life and thought that you have it all together and don’t have the issues they have. The quote- ‘Be kind; Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle’ pretty much says it all. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re wonderful and some days you’ll feel more successful than others.
I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. All I know is that reading your posts and comments section makes me feel less alone. You were on to something when you talked about how you talk to yourself. We are supposed to talk to ourselves like we would talk to a friend. I wouldn’t talk to my worst enemy the way I talk to myself.
I hear meditation helps. I can’t do it without falling asleep. 🙂
I survived “double depression” and I don’t think I came back the same. I think I actually came back better. Now, when I dance with depression, it doesn’t have the hold on me that it used to. The suicidal thoughts that used to play in my head on a loop are not there as much.
I guess what I am saying is feel good that you made it this far, not a lot of people do. Feel good that you gave a voice to all of us when you went public with your battle. You are awesome on so many levels, but I bet that you have saved more than one life with your blog and that is really something to be proud of.
This post actually completely made my month. I have been feeling like you are for weeks now. And honestly, family and friends never seem to understand what it’s like as much as complete strangers do. I am Bipolar, and have Anxiety disorders out the ass, so I know how this feels.
As for the kicking-ass feeling with life and being a human being in general, I probably feel like I’m succeeding at this around 4 days out of my month. And when I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in the way I should be? Depression gets in there and just eats. I know you’ve struggled with severe depression in the past, and I always find myself wishing they had Depression hotlines like they do with suicide. Like, “Hey, your’e feeling like a complete failure as a human in general, not enough to want to not be alive anymore, but just enough that your starting to worry everyone around you. You might even be scaring yourself a little.” That should be the slogan.
I’m not going to tell you things you are good at, because when you don’t feel like people are being genuine because they’re just saying shit to make you feel better and stop being so crazy, compliments aren’t the thing that helps. But, I do want you to know, that, to me? You are someone I can go to, read your posts, and know that I am normal, that people struggle with this same shit all the time, and that it’s okay. I want you to know, that for myself, feeling like everyone else out there is doing it right, and I’m just a fuck up, is an everyday struggle. And, when I and not feeling like a real person, I read what you and everyone else who follows you is feeling, that they post, and I feel like I’m not alone.
Wow. 3361 comments (and counting). I think you struck a nerve.
Anyway, I think that just managing “the basics of existing” describes the entire lives of about 99% of people. If you do more than that (and you do) you’re already in the top 1%. And I also think that having 3-4 meaningfully productive days a month is way above average; I’m not sure I get even to that level. You’re doing fine, more than fine. Keep it up. And thanks.
I think it’s all about kicking convention in the teeth & redefining what is a good day for yourself. The majority of my life I was an over achiever until the roof caved in from an accumulation of anxiety, depression and my OCD ramped up in over drive. It took me 1.5 years to figure it out but I came out of the other side a much happier person. Sure, I’m constantly running late, losing things and, in general, living life like a feral cat but I’ve also gained a lot: the impromptu egg shaker jam session with my girls in the middle of getting ready for school, our own brand of ninja style fighting during a long wait in a doctor’s office (sorry!, actually I’m not) or watching kitten videos even though I reminded my daughter for the 5th time to focus on her homework. If I can have one good belly laugh with my daughters, a best friend or at myself then I call that success.
You are so not alone! I struggle with depression off and on (some months are better than others). Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding my head above the water to pay bills, even though I work full-time. I count it as a good month when all my bills are paid on time and I have an extra $20 to do something fun with. Some months it is really just buy gas and food after all the bills are paid, no fun stuff. Those months really get me down because I hate the rat race feeling of working so hard and getting nowhere. I get some recognition at work for doing things well, but sometimes I come home at the end of the week feeling like I’ve neither done anything well or made a difference in anything, and that sucks. It’s nice to see that I’m not alone, and I don’t feel quite so bad for not having my shit together when I’m nearing 30.
So, it’s gotten better. I feel like an imposter about 15 days a month and a normal person about 10 days an month and like a rock star for 5 days – not necessarily concurrently. As you know, with depression, even when it’s a good day depression is lurking in the shadows, ready to reveal itself every moment. But something that helps me feel at least a more normal is being in groups of others who share common experiences. It helps to be in a small group of moms who have kids the same age as mine. There’s always going to be one glittering ubermom and when there is, the “others” all feel bad about their own execution. Find those other moms, sit the corner and compare notes. Most times you’ll hear them admit they’re going through the same homework struggle, have the same loathing of the Social Studies diaorama due next Wednesday. Oh, and that they wonder if they’re doing the right parenting thing too. It’s an un-vicious circle, you listen, identify, and feel like you just might have some company out there struggling silently unbeknownst to you on any ordinary Tuesday. And then you meet again and then you share the same experience again and the next thing you know you’re normal-ish for one more day. It helped me.
I think more of us feel this way than admit it. Even the perfect people.
I don’t have a single day when I don’t feel like a failure. I’m trying to be kinder to myself but it’s hard!
This is how I feel most of the time.
Humour is a convenient and effective deflection. It’s also one way to keep myself marginally sane. So that’s what I do: I point at the darkness and call it stupid till it goes away. Kind of like banishing a Boggart at Hogwarts. Except I don’t have a want: I have a stylus and an iPad and I draw stick figures.
I take my meds, I talk to my therapist, I surround myself with people I love and who love me. And that helps.
But the dark can get pretty damn dark and it’s easy to feel alone. And to feel like a failure.
But I love you for being honest about it and for continuing to kick all the ass you can. Just think: some normal people have a month that’s literally 10x the length yours is, when you count up days they feel like they can do life, but you manage so much more.
It helps me to know people like you exist, that people like me aren’t just genetic effluvia and neurochemical toxic spills in the genetic pool. We’re kind of awesome. And kind of extra awesome because we have to push all the living into the few days where it actually feels like it’s fucking worth it to bother.
So, yeah. Thank you. <3
Jenny – “Please Remember – Depression is a Lying Bastard!” 🙂 So are those picture-perfect PTA moms. (Some of the biggest “lies” may be the ones they tell themselves!) Read the 2nd-to-last paragraph of this article: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2013/05/churchill-lincoln-too-can-help-you-whup-depression/ – it’s like the whole dandelion/orchid thing – a dandelion seed can land most anywhere, and will grow. They’re tough, maybe a little pretty (if you’re being generous), but really nothing special. An orchid has great potential, but it’s also very vulnerable. So cultivating a nice orchid is a lot of hard work – full of near-misses and disappointments. But an orchid way “outranks” a dandelion. Maybe you can take some solace in knowing you’re an orchid, not a dandelion. Yeah, there are a lot of things that really suck about being a orchid – the dandelions seem to have it so much easier. But the dandelions also have no idea what they’re missing out on as they go along with their plain & ordinary lives. They are never going to reach those higher planes of intellectual insight, meaning, sensitivity, whatever. So while being an orchid definitely has its downsides, at the end of the day, that’s the price we pay for being an “orchid,” which is a pretty awesome thing to be actually! I am a psychiatrist who has depression myself and believe you me, I have plenty of days where I think that I suck. Same thing you’re describing – I mean, from the outside a stranger would probably think I’ve got it all together. Far from it. But these vulnerabilities are also strengths. I don’t tell my patients about my depression, but I know that it is exactly what makes me a more effective doctor for them. And having a day where you totally feel like you’re the bomb & you totally kicked ass is pretty rare, if you ask me. (People who go around thinking they’re the shit & usually jerks, if you haven’t noticed.) I get one of those days maybe once every 60-90 days. I aim more for days where I feel that at least maybe I’m about average and don’t totally suck. Depending on my underlying mood, that could range from 1 to 7 days per week. OK, I’ll get off my soapbox. Hope you are feeling better soon. And I had to throw your “depression is a lying bastard” quote in there at the beginning, because I love it so much.
3-4 days? If that. I have a job thats “important” and I don’t know why I got it. I run home everyday to sit on my couch and do nothing, because getting up and working is all I have energy for. You aren’t alone.
3398 comments later, I think it’s safe to say that you’re not alone. None of us are. I think we just isolate ourselves because it’s more comfortable that way. Despite the fact that being alone makes it worse…
I had maybe 2-3 good days in August. It’s been a struggle lately for me to even wake up, let alone get out of bed.
I don’t know what else to say. This post just really hit home with me.
Nope. Not just you. If you’re bored, or need to read something to fall asleep, I tried to describe a miniscule part of this feeling: http://thesloppycopy.com/2013/09/08/the-worst-feeling-in-the-world/
I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was truly succeeding at life. I think if you asked people who know me, they would be confused by this. It’s not just you.
Let me start off by saying I’ve completely cyberstalked your blog (and have general anxiety disorder which might or might not cause my depression). And the things you write make me feel so much better.
~Side note, if someone had said that to me I would freak out and start stressing that now I HAVE to uphold the awesomeness that I might or might not be spewing all over the internet by sheer luck. Or maybe I have divine intervention that was only to save one person and then they were saved so now its just me writing, not some do gooder deity. So to clarify- your writing makes my day but I CAN get my without it~
~Side note to my side note, now I feel like a self obsessed prick for assuming that you would take my opinion of your work to heart. I just wanted to circumvent a possible but not likely situation. Sorry~
To answer the original question, NO it is not just you. I have maybe 2 or 3 days a month where I am consistently “happy” (I’m currently reevaluating what that means for me) and the rest is just…..bleh. There isn’t a real word to describe the “bleh”ness other than “bleh”. Well, if I’m honest it’s more like “bleh” to “fetal position”, but anyway. I’m babbling because I’m nervous, I love your work. And instead of editing this down to a sentence or two and comeing off as a normal person I’m leaving it, to further accentuate that YOU’RE NOT ALONE
Wow — look at all the people who feel the same way. I know I do. I’d say 2-3 days a month sounds about right. And I’m someone who does post pretty-pretty pictures on facebook, etc. — mainly because I feel bad when I am too complain-y in social media. (Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.) My husband gets irritated that I compare myself to one big amalgamation of people’s lovely Pinterest photos. It’s to the point that I feel unproductive even WHILE I AM BEING PRODUCTIVE. That’s how I know something isn’t right with how I’m viewing things. And it irritates me that the solution is not to listen to myself, because myself is a jerk. Why you gotta be a jerk, self? So, yes, this is, uh, normal? Whatever normal is.
I feel successful every day, because every day I haven’t given up is a success to me. Maybe I’m setting my bar really low, but it’s my damn bar to set.
I don’t have an anxiety disorder, so I can’t quite relate to that aspect of your life, but I do have MS (ok, I don’t technically have MS (yet); I’ve had two attacks, I have neuropathic pain in my left arm and left leg, I’m symptomatic for the psychiatric problems (mood swings, angry outbursts, hypersomnia, and depression), I’ve got the crippling fatigue characteristic of the disease, and I have two scars on my brain; but, the scars don’t quite look definitively like MS, so it’s not officially MS).
As a side note, thank god for the drugs and therapy. All those problems I just listed are now manageable. They’re not gone, but I’m no longer being crushed by them.
I just wanted to say that I understand what it’s like when just existing is so difficult that it’s easy to question whether it’s worth it. When getting up from the dining room table to walk fifteen feet to the couch to lay down is too much, so you just lay down on the table, because it’s there and the couch isn’t.
I read your blog religiously, and I love your book. Especially when I was at my worst, I took comfort and inspiration from reading about your struggles with an asshole immune system and a psyche that didn’t always seem to get the concept of self preservation. Kindred spirits and all that.
You may not think that you’ve accomplished much (that’s one of those lies that depression is telling you, by the way), but from the rest of the universe’s point of view, you’ve helped an untold number of people, just by being honest (and funny).
I’ve collected some quotes over the years that I use as mantras to help me just keep going when even that seems impossible. Maybe you can use them in some way yourself:
First quote:
Perhaps someday even these things we will laugh at.
~Virgil, The Aeneid
Juno has sent an awful storm that’s wiping out Aeneas’s men by the scores. His motivational speech to his sailors is, “Perhaps someday even these things we will laugh at.” People are dieing all around him, and his motivation to his peoples is: maybe this will be good for a lark later on. I doubt it was supposed to be a funny line, but it cracks me up whenever I think about.
Of course, it’s also true. And that’s what I have to remind myself: given enough time, most things can become funny stories. Not all things, but a lot of tragedy becomes comedy given enough time.
Second quote:
I’ve lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse, but . . . You see them living anyway. When they’re more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they’re burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children, they live. Death usually has to take life away. I don’t know if that’s just the animal. I don’t know if it’s not braver to die. But I recognize the habit. The addiction to being alive. We live past hope. If I can find hope anywhere, that’s it, that’s the best I can do. It’s so much not enough, so inadequate but . . . Bless me anyway. I want more life.
~Tony Kushner, Angels in America, Part Two: Perestroika
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318997/?ref_=sr_2
If you haven’t seen Angels in America, I highly recommend it. Part 1 is a serious study of the politics of AIDS in the 1980s. Part II is a crazy acid-esque trip into religious territory and Meryl Streep’s character is having sex with a 7 vaginad Angel. It was made (the movie version; originally it was a play) by HBO, so you know it’s probably not going to suck.
The main character, Pryor, has just been offered respite from the pain of living. He could stay in Heaven and not suffer anymore. That was his response. Fuck it, I’d rather live.
Third quote:
This morning she asked me, what’s next? I told her everything is next. We’ll learn to pick pockets, to hack computers and telephone networks, to disarm someone quickly and efficiently, to seduce anyone and steal their keycards while they sleep, to live on submarines. We’ll wake up every day and tell ourselves, “Live for today, you retarded little shit. The end is near.”
Joey Comeau, Overqualified
http://www.amazon.com/Overqualified-Joey-Comeau/dp/1550228587
One of the most heartbreaking and wonderful books I’ve ever read. That quote is the very last sentence in the whole book, and it’s about the conversation between the main character and his grandmother. I don’t want to say anything else, because I don’t want to ruin it for you, just in case you ever read the book.
4) “It’s just a flesh wound.”
~Every kid ever quoting Monty Python.
People watch that scene and laugh at the ridiculousness of the Black Knight. He just won’t give up. And he’s my hero for it.
I recently got out of the Navy and just got my VA disability claim back. I’m rated at 70% disabled. While I’m appreciative of the extra money that’ll bring me, part of me just keeps wanting to scream: “I’m not 70% broken! I’m 20%, tops, asshole!” Maybe the doctors are right and I’m far less ok than I think I am, but fuck that shit, it’s just a flesh wound, and it will just be a flesh wound until the day I’m dead.
I hope these help you in some way, like they’ve helped me. Thematically, they’re all a bit about saying fuck you to giving up. Even if existence is all you can manage, fuck that “giving up” shit.
With love,
Stephen
Wow, with over 3,000 comments, I’d say you (and I!) are not alone.
I’ve written and had published three books. I’m a successful writer. I homeschool my kids, and they are really great kids. On the outside, I look like I have everything together and have had a good deal of success in my life.
But what few people know is I struggle with depression, have a terrible case of imposter syndrome, and I’d say, like you, I feel like I’m having a winning day maybe three to four days per month. If I’m lucky, I get five great days. Woohoo! And this month, I think so far I’ve had maybe 15 minutes of winning. The rest of the month has been ups and downs, anxiety, panic attacks, and chest-pain-sadness-for-no-apparent-reason. (And like you, I get help. In therapy, take vitamins, etc., etc. I’m doing what I can.)
I’ve recently quit Facebook (because it was making me feel more depressed and anxious), but I will say that anyone reading my posts on Facebook would never, ever guess at the struggle I have inside. No one. People who meet me also have no idea.
However, I have also discovered, through cautious-slow-grown friendships that A LOT of people struggle with some form of anxiety and/or depression, and no one ever knows. Those pretty happy pictures on Facebook and elsewhere aren’t telling the entire story much of the time.
When I feel like I’m just a total mess, I try to remind myself of what I HAVE done lately, and almost always it’s “enough”… and when you take into consideration my inner life, it’s freakin’ amazing.
Thank you for writing this post. Seeing all the “me too’s” in the comments makes me feel less alone.
You are spot on and not alone. I think I feel sucessfully at life only counted in hours as I never feel like its all in balance. Too many ages in the air, not Prioritizing the right people, things, duties. Or myself undermines sucess or makes me feel selfish if I feel sucess in work and not family. I had an aHah monument in this clip that’s on work/life balance just this week and now am gonna stove for that one moment a week. Ted talk by Nigel Marsh: How to make work-life balance work http://www.ted.com/talks/nigel_marsh_how_to_make_work_life_balance_work.html?utm_source=email&source=email&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=ios-share
Looking at the number of people responding it seems we are the new normal. Be well take a moment to breathe and try like hell to stop your mind from judging yourself and be in the moment. As I say these words know that I am trying to do this too ( hoping its where my coue house of success will sink in and let me rest)
I feel like an imposter. I keep waiting for someone to notice what a shitty job I do of everything. Mostly, I don’t talk about this because I feel like nobody wants to hear. I figure most people feel like this sometimes and that some people feel like this all the time. You are definitely not alone.
Not sure you’ll get this far down the comments, but…
Me too.
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I can remember, and it’s horrible – I’m trying to work towards a degree and do lots of newspaper editing to help me in the future. I have so many things I want to do but sometimes I’m so scared of failure that I’m scared to try, so I leave everything ’til the last minute and get incredibly stressed. I regularly end up having breakdowns and hiding in my room for days and crying and just wishing everything would go away. There are very few people who know this about me, though.
Because we share on facebook and pinterest, and with the world, what we want it to see. I don’t put up bad photos of myself, and I edit the ones I do put on to make me look prettier. I wouldn’t write a facebook status about how I felt like I was falling into a black hole and was scared and alone, and I don’t know many people who would. Instead I post things like ‘lovely meal with so-and-so’, because I want the world to see me as a happy person. Maybe if I do that I’ll *be* a happier person.
I don’t know what else to add without sounding really miserable – but yeah, you’re definitely not alone. Also? On days where you feel like that, going to the bank IS an achievement!
Hugs x
Every damn day… it’s a struggle to pretend that I’m successful, happy, and well adjusted. I pretend because who the hell wants to deal with a loser, right? arent’ we taught “fake it to make it”? Also, I don’t want my friends and family to worry. I KNOW I’m not a failure, I’m not “un”happy, and I’m semi-adjusted, but its easy to believe the bad. when growing up my mom told me every day that I was beautiful. a handful of people told me I was fat, ugly. (ps. I WASN’T)But, Guess who I believed? you got it. that niggling little voice stays with me.
Everyday, we have to beat back that voice. Be louder than that voice.
Every. Single. Day.
I don’t even get 3-4 goods. I constantly feel this way & like I am not doing something. Like there are things i am meant to be doing & have forgotten them & now I just panic because I can’t remember.
I think the modern American culture has set us up for disappointment. Happiness isn’t going to be some list of tally marks. You’ll always find people with bigger lists and smaller lists. I’m trying to change how I look at life. Rather than trying to hurry through a list of tally marks, or berating myslef for not being good enough/fast enough, I’m wanting to slow down, place less importance on things, on accomplishments, and more importance on connecting with people I love and myself. Listoning to my body. Trying to help my happiness chemicals and hormones rise and spend time just feeling that. Life satisfaction is more than modern ideas of “success.”
Mind games are the worst. I’ve played many of them over the years and they wear me out everytime. Anything can set them off and I can’t beat them. I can only stop playing. I try to remind meyself that anything I feel is normal. There are 1000s of people feeling that way. Sometimes it seems the only thing that helps is to distract myself by changing my focus to something else entirely. Like gremlins or something… Don’t feed the mind monsters.
Btw, My neighbor was throwing out a deer head and I had to rescue it because of your influence. It’s fur is great, but it’s nose is a little messed up. I don’t know what the devil I’m going to do with it. Currently it’s playing the role of floor sculpture in my hallway. I had quite a bit of fun chasing my cats with it. 😛
I’m in a similar boat. I was fortunate enough to figure out that the root of my anxiety, depression and self-hate (not to say my root causes are your root causes) was a result of emotional neglect as a child. My mother is not a happy person, I imagine she learned it from her mother (my grandmother passed away before I was born so I can’t say for sure). She has exacting demands that will never be met by anyone, including me. As a result, I learned that her love is conditional on my jumping through her millions of unattainable tasks. Bla bla bla psychotherapy talk — I in turn, learned as a child that I can never be good enough. That I wasn’t enough for her love. Which in turn resulted into anxiety, depression and self-hate as an adult.
I just try to remind myself that despite my childhood hurts, that I am an adult now. That I’m responsible for myself. That the only way other’s can affect me, is my own perception of them. That sometimes I am enough. That if I feel self-hate and anxiety in my day to day life, there is something going on that I can trace back to being felt criticized unreasonably from someone. Could be anyone — boss, coworker, grocery store clerk. I try to recognize my feelings, determine what is making me feel that way, check to make sure that it does or doesn’t relate to my childhood issues and take a deep breath.
It ain’t easy. But I think I’m a better person today for having faced adversity. I am a stronger person who can handle many things.
Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with those you love and who give you love in return.
Obviously you’ve touched upon a commonality! My pastor’s sermon today was about happiness versus joy. Happiness is a pursuit of which can never be obtained and maintained. We are always striving for ‘happiness’ but it’s alluding. Joy, on the other hand, is an obtainable and sustainable state. When we stop trying to be ‘busy’, stop trying to ‘perform’, stop trying to ‘impress’, and start just ‘being’, praying, and caring less about what others think (because clearly by the posts, MANY people are feeling the same way), then we start feeling less anxious, less worry, less competitive, less jealous, more joy, and have more time to do what’s really important – being grateful, giving unselfishly, loving unconditionally. Be joyful! Don’t look for happiness! STOP thinking you have to BE busy or accomplish things – nobody really cares. Let everyone else go crazy.
I was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Not something I was prepared for. I knew I suffered with depression and anxiety and add and OCD. I’m still in shock over it. However, having lived with all that other stuff since my early teens with no help over learned to just sort of over ride my crazy mind sometimes. My mind tells me all this horrible stuff about myself and I actually have days where I basically say fuck you mind I’m over your shit today. Most other days I give in to my mind and those are hard days. The swings associated with my bipolar are the worst. Now I’m working on separating myself from people when I feel a swing coming on. I’ll go driving and crank my favorite music up or read or watch my fave tv shows. Best of all is that after reading your book, well before my bipolar was diagnosed, I learned that I’m not alone in my mental illness. There are others out there just like you and me. We struggle every day but we are not alone. Plus we make some wonderfully delightful guests at parties.
I don’t even know where to start with this. I have a crazy, fucked up story too and have been dealing with depression/anxiety issues for years now. I was raised in a very strict, controlling religion and being Type A, worked myself to death for it for most of my life. I hit my 30s and realized I was burnt out, disillusioned and I needed to get out. My husband left me, and since you are only allowed to have friends within the group, everyone shunned me overnight, even my mom and sister. I was kicked out of my home, lost my job and was basically alone for the first time ever. I tried to deal with it for about a year and a half, but eventually I tried to kill myself. I’m doing much better now, but I can totally relate to how it feels to be in rooms full of people who think you’re fine when you’re not.
I’ve tried for 4 years to re-establish some kind of a relationship with my mom and sister. I’ve got a good job now, I’ve been going to school at night and made some really great friends. But it’s still a constant battle to be happy. The people I’ve met have been kind and generous and I consider myself very lucky. But they don’t REALLY understand me, how could they?
I try to be positive and upbeat most of the time in my blog, and I think slowly, slowly what I’m projecting out there to the Universe is coming true. But that doesn’t change the fact that I hide in the bathroom at work when I’m having a panic attack or have to drag myself in after a sleepness night of too many nightmares.
My stepmom sent me your book for Christmas. I almost peed myself laughing so many times. When I have a really bad day and the panic attacks are too much, I come home and lunch and read a chapter or even a couple of pages and it totally cheers me up.
Life is great, but it’s hard. I think if more of us would be honest about our struggles like you were in this blog, we wouldn’t feel so alone. The people who project that perfect persona (and I did it for years) who aren’t honest about the reality of life, make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. Truth be told though, we’re all fighting a hard battle. Thanks for sharing yours and making the rest of us feel more normal.
You asked us to be honest, well here goes: No, I don’t feel like that. And also yes I do.
Most of the replies on here seem to be from people completely agreeing with you, a lot are saying that they suffer from depression or anxiety. I am fortunate that I don’t suffer from either of these so perhaps this might give you a slightly different perspective.
I feel like a total failure maybe 4 or 5 days a month. I also feel pretty damned good maybe 4 or 5 days a month.
The rest I’m kind of ‘meh’ and not really feeling great or awful about my life. I generally think of myself as being a ‘content’ person rather than a ‘happy’ person.
Often I can objectively look at my life and see that things are going well and I’m plenty successful, but I struggle to really _feel_ successful. However, for me, that doesn’t usually mean that I feel like I’m failing (at least not most of the time – I still have those pesky 4 or 5 days of that).
I tend to the ‘introverted’ end of the scale, and a friend recently told me that extroverts take compliments and assume that they are long-term or permanent, and assume criticism is short-term or temporary, where-as introverts think the opposite. This is certainly true for me and I think contributes to why I only feel successful in short bursts.
I’d also like to say that your open and honest posts on your mental health problems helps a lot of people. I know you hear that a lot from people who are directly affected themselves. From someone who isn’t, I’d like to say that I also find your posts immensely helpful. I’ve never been able to understand depression before – I don’t think it’s something you ever really can unless you’ve suffered yourself – but you’ve given me enough insight that I’m able to have some sort of understanding around my friends who suffer. At least enough not to say anything too harmful whilst thinking that I’m helping.
I know it won’t help. I know it won’t change how you really feel. But I’ll say it anyway: You are awesome. You are successful. You are loved. I wish I had a magic wand that could make you feel these things were really true, but all I have are these few words. Perhaps enough people with these few words might help just a tiny bit.
Over the years, because of chronic illness and depression, my ambition has been whittled down to mere survival. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is important. Feeling “successful” is an interesting concept. Never considered it…
what helps me is knowing that all of those people whose lives look perfect, they have their problems too. this being an adult shit is hard, and people don’t tend to acknowledge that in their blogs and FB posts. when we self edit the lives we show people, it distorts what reality looks like for everyone out there. i really respect the people who are honest about how hard it is, because it helps all of us realize that we’re trying to live up to an impossible standard. it’s easier said than done, but i think we all need to take more pride in the things we’re doing well and forgive ourselves for the things that aren’t working out perfectly. you’re raising a great daughter, you’re helping an awful lot of people with your open discussion of mental illness, so what if the laundry didn’t get put away today, does that really matter? today i ate a picnic with a friend (b/c eating on the ground is actually one of the things that brings me great joy in life, to each their own) and picked up a prescription from the CVS down the street, and i’m calling it a success! you’re not alone.
How many days a month my friends and students believe that I think I am a kick-ass adult: 28-31
How many days a month I think I am a kick-ass adult: I dunno. Maybe 3?
I understand where you’re coming from because I second guess myself on everything. I mean, everything, even sending this response, which I have never done before but I feel like I need to do because your blog has made me laugh on so many occasions when crying was the only other option.
Even, for example, after a job interview when I feel like I killed, the euphoria lasts for about 10 minutes before the “I totally fucked it up” kicks in. (And not it a good way. Did you know that in contemporary teenage vernacular, ‘you fucked that up’? is a positive? CONFUSING!!!) And even though I manage to convey a very confident persona to the world – and I don’t feel phony when I am doing it, so I know that person *is* an aspect of myself, just not the one that presents at 3 a.m. – I have doubts all the time. Is this really where I should be and what I should be doing in my early 40s? And although I (mostly) do not pay serious attention to the 3 a.m. voice, it does deprive me of sleep on a regular basis. Then, even when I *do* feel successful, the niggling worry of “but how long can it last?” nudges its way in.
Not alone.
3-4 days per month sounds about right for me too. Although looking back on them I have trouble identifying those days to myself. Most days I aim for not thinking. Finding a way to move through the day without telling myself that what I want is ridiculous, unimportant or selfish. Those are the days I have the best chance of having a good day, when I can turn off the vampires. (Great song!)
I think the worst part is that part I know (intellectually) that these thoughts are irrational but at a deeper emotional level they feel like the truth. I can actively say “of course I know I have value” while simultaneously thinking “but I don’t”.
When people tell me that “compliments are honest” and “it isn’t fair to me to expect more of yourself than I do of others” and “I love you” all I can think is “they’re just trying to be nice”, “I know I could do more if I just got moving” and “how is that possible?”.
Now saying all that, I aim for every day to be a good day. A day when I can point to something and say “that, that thing right there is why I matter today” but most days I call a success if I can stop myself from thinking about how much I suck and find a way to matter to the world or at least to myself.
Some days I can matter because I’ve done something that was fun for me (actual fun, not faked fun), some days it’s because I wrote, some days it was just that I got through the day without anything truly “bad” happening and some days it’s because I helped someone. BTW, some days reading your blog is my fun thing.
I used to think the good days just happened in a random way, but lately I’ve been working at confronting my negative thoughts head on. It isn’t fun but it seems to be working. I’m letting my emotions bubble up more so I can look at them in the light. They freak me out less in the light.
For the record… YOU ARE NORMAL! The pastel people are full of shit and its probably pretty safe to assume each and every one of those people have an “issue”. The more you talk to them, the more you’ll realize that. So, 1. I think going to the bank is a big freakin deal! I’m impressed with myself if I get one thing like that done in a week! 2. To help myself feel like a useful part of society, I make small to do lists everyday. I include even the stupidest little tasks… Like paint nails. And cross them out when your done. There’s something empowering about drawing a line threw “take out trash”. That being said…. There’s crap on my list from like 8 months ago. I should probably work on that. One more thing Jenny, you are accomplishing some pretty bigs things, regularly, that you are overlooking…. You are entertaining and educating a HUGE amount of people. And that makes you an important member of society in my book.
Everything you just stated basically defines how I’ve been feeling. I didn’t know that I was depressed until recently, and I test into the moderate to severe category. Every time my mom tries to talk to me about this she pretty much talks about “What I could be” and she doesn’t understand how that is painful to hear. She doesn’t understand that when she says that all I hear is how much of a disappointment I am to her. And then she gets frustrated with me when there are days that the fact that I got out of bed is a huge success. Now that school has started it has made things better because I have a legitimate reason to get up and start the day. I had only a couple of days this summer where I could say that I was truly happy.
Everyone struggles to feel good enough, even those who appear to have perfect lives. Our children learn from the way we live our lives. The indirect lessons take root more than we think. Right now you are demonstrating resilience which is one of the most important aspects of being human!
If ever there was a place on the internet that I felt comfortable being honest, it would be here. Jenny, you are an inspiration to all of us, and please believe that it is by your design that the people who post on your blog feel at ease being themselves.
Of late, I have felt that I’m truly productive 2-3 days a week. To give my feelings some context, I quit my job because my fiance was fired from his job in academia, and we were forced to move to his hometown to be partially supported by his parents and family, for the most part. My “job” right now is to do laundry, clean dishes, go run with the dog, and try not to let the stress of being unemployed run me down. I try to compensate the loneliness I feel since I know basically no-one in the area by spending time with his family, but I battle with the irrational feelings of being a newcomer to the family every day.
But knowing all this, I can try to compensate by immersing myself in the job search, sleepovers with my nieces, and spending quality time with my fiancé. It helps most of the time, but the mental strength it takes me to fight off depression and feeling totally useless and like a failure are a huge burden in my life. Sometimes the best thing I can do to feel that I am being productive and worthwhile is to surround myself with my fiancé and our families. At least then I feel that I am making a difference in the world (I’m a social worker, this compulsion never goes away).
I constantly feel like I’m not getting enough shit done. Even when I’m working 10-12 hours a day (because I occasionally get sidetracked & then I don’t get as much done as I wanted to, so I spend even more time on the computer trying to make up for the time I wasted). And YES, I almost always feel like an impostor and someone’s going to find me out any minute now and ask me just who I think I am and tell me I’m not good enough to earn what I do and that I’m really only pretending to do a good job. Or that they’ll find out how far behind I am and say “forget it! you’re useless & i’m giving this to someone else because you suck and can’t keep up!”
You are so not alone, Jenny Lawson.
I know I’m late to the party, and I don’t even know if you are still reading the comments, but this is the first time I have felt compelled to answer. I didn’t have the wherewithal to read more than maybe 150 comments, so maybe someone has posted my thoughts before.
I almost feel guilty saying that I am not with the majority in that I feel like I am kicking butt 20 days out of the month. There are a lot of reasons, but I can tell you, in this aspect aging is an amazing thing. There is something very freeing about facing the age of 50. I feel so different than even 10 years ago…let a lot of stuff go, and began to accept the fact that what mattered was how I made a positive difference in the world, and to focus on what made ME happy, not what accomplishments others had seemingly made. For example, my house is waay messier than it used to be. Who cares if I have dust on my dressers? It’s not like anyone is going to see them. My clothes are so old I’m stuck in a 90s time warp, and I don’t mind a bit because I do other things than shopping that matter to ME, not what society expects of me. I hardly wear makeup anymore…maybe it’s because at 50 no one expects me to be hot anymore, maybe because I don’t see makeup as a sign of success. For me, reading a good book is actually stressful, as I am thinking about time lost that I could have been doing things that mean more to me. So I am lost when you sometimes describe authors and know that I am deficient in literature, but in the end, it’s more meaningful to me that I helped someone learn to write a grant to help their nonprofit. But if it’s meaningful to you, then it’s important, and a good accomplishment! I love to travel, but my parents are just as happy to learn about a country by watching it on TV which doesn’t make them any less worthy. It’s all about accepting you can’t do it all, and being happy that you’ve focused on the things that when you are on your proverbial deathbed, are so glad you focused on. All of those PTA moms may not remember you 20 years from now even if you made the best brownies ever, but your daughter will never forget stolen moments with Little House on the Prairie. And it goes without saying that you are already ahead of 50% of people by having an enriching and successful marriage.
In the end, what matters is that 1) you have made a positive difference in others’ lives somehow (and if you haven’t figured out that your mothering skills or even this blog has done that you need to increase your meds) and 2) you have been true to yourself in focusing on even the smallest tasks that make you happy. I’m not saying that I don’t have doubtful days. I spent a week worrying about my 30th high school reunion last summer, trying to pick out the best outfit, worrying I hadn’t accomplished as much, worried about being fat, etc. But those days are fewer and fewer the older I get.
Saw Victor’s suggestions re: joining a gym. I have anxiety disorder and panic attacks, and my Dr. has made it a “mandatory” part of my life. Now that I’m used to exercise in some form 3 days a week, I know how much it affects my mood and my ability to talk myself off the edge. My son plays HS football, and I spend the entire game waiting for his head to get knocked off his body. Even when he isn’t on the field I’m relatively certain another player will get pushed into him and spine will snap in two. (This is how I spend about 90% of my life…mentally conceiving the worst case scenario.) I’ve started working out before his games so that I don’t arrive in a Xanax coma, drooling and crying, and can uncover my eyes for at least the portion of the games that he’s on the sidelines.
People with this problem spend 1/2 their time exhausted by the shear will it takes to put on their shoes. I have found that getting up, working out (even if I only walk for 10 minutes) and then showering can make all the difference in how a day goes. Mostly, I hope for a few good hours each day. Small victories are better than no victories 🙂
Oh, I meant to add that I have plenty of days when all I did was the equivalent of going to the bank. Sometimes putzing around the house is the therapy we need to recharge the batteries. Pacing yourself, heck, knowing yourself is indeed an accomplishment in itself.
I wanted to find out about this whole blog world because the only thing I know about it is what I’ve seen in movies and you can never trust that Hollywood crap. I’m so happy I stumbled upon your blog! Obviously, it’s very popular and that’s how I found it but I was picturing blogs to be either nerdy guys or egotistical windbags spouting about their oh-so-important views on everything, so your very truthful and down to earth views are awesome. I have no formal training but I love to write and always feel like I’m suppose to be a blogger…go figure.
Anyway, you are not alone at all. I feel like I have about 14 good days a month, give or take a couple. I had to comment on this for that reason. I didn’t know anyone else saw it that way. They do tend to cycle around my monthly cycle, but nonetheless, there’s a time where I say to myself….”ah the bad days are over with and life is great”, then I tend to stay good for at least a few days. There’s always a random bad day or maybe just a half of a bad day in there to mix things up. And during my bad cycle, random good days show up too, so I guess it seems to balance itself out in the long run.
Keep blogging, keep your head up, and smile : )
It amazes me every time I read your blog how you manage to strike a chord deep inside me. I have suffered from “imposter syndrome” my whole life. Along with imposter syndrome, I also feel like everyone is judging me, which I think comes from the fact that I tend to judge everyone so I am paranoid everyone is judging me. I tried counseling, but I of course felt like the counselor was judging everything I said (yes I can be paranoid). I think it all comes down to low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, the constant feeling that I always need to do better and be better than I am.
I am currently in a management position and have people who look to me for decisions and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like any day someone is going to realize that I have been faking it and realize I really don’t know what I am doing and everything will all go away. I spend my days off work sleeping all day long due to depression and anxiety (currently changing meds to try to help this).
You are definitely not alone, it’s just we don’t normally talk about it because we don’t want to seem weird or crazy, not too long ago we would have been locked up for admitting half of what we can admit nowadays. I think that you are awesome and brave, you make me laugh everyday, you can only do what you can do.
I come here and actually comment because I know there may be ONE person who comes after me and reads my comment or one person who is kinda stalkery even though that’s totally OK and keeps checking for new comments. It’s the commiseration. It’s the knowing that none of us is alone. It’s the knowing that all it takes is one person to admit how many of us feel and then bam! we can all be true to ourselves and say that shit out loud. It’s not bandwagon jumping; it’s freedom. Plus, you asked.
So. Full disclosure and it feels good to type this even though it scares the absolute hell out of me. I AM FUCKED UP. I feel like an absolute failure. I will be 40 in a few weeks. That’s not even that bad except I look at all the shit I should have done by now and haven’t. All the things I think a capable adult would be able to do but I haven’t. Finished college, steady employment, 3 semi-normal kids — sure, ok. I’ll give myself those things. But this daily bullshit of questioning why I don’t have more? Why my mortgage is overdue (for June. Yeah. It’s September, y’all), why I can’t put my kids in extracurricular activities because I’d have to say fuck the gas bill (which I’ve said many times, which is why that shit it turned the fuck off at the start of every winter and we’re in this bitch pretending like it’s supposed to be frosty). So, four days. I average four days of feeling like I’m normal, of feeling like I’m doing good things, doing things correctly. The rest of the days? Maybe it’d be best if I just went to sleep. Yeah. For that long. What do I do to get out of it? I don’t know. Nothing purposeful that I can think of. The more I try to hoodwink my mind the angrier it gets at me. Someone will leave a nice comment on a blog post I thought no one had read and a little bit of good will seep in. My kid will grab my hand and smile at me for no damn reason. More good. So, I’d say it’s absolutely outside influences that make the other 20+ days less horrible. Sometimes.
I have no idea if you’re still reading comments for this entry, but if you are, you’re not alone. While there isn’t a tally for my number of accomplished days out of the month, more often than not I don’t feel accomplished at all. What makes me feel the worst is knowing there are deadlines and other projects to finish, but so many of them build up at one time that it feels overbearing to accomplish any of it.
What makes me feel better is doing something with the people that I love. It’s an accomplishment to know you’re appreciated by the people around you. And eventually, though most of the time it’s hard, once I start feeling awesome again I accomplish the tasks that seem overwhelming…& then I read thebloggess.com.
I’m lucky if I feel like I’m any good or have accomplished anything for a couple of hours a week. It’s something that I struggle and fight with all the time, but most of the time, I walk around feeling like a failure. I’ve got kids who love me and haven’t killed anyone (yet), a wife that loves me and am successful in my job. By every conventional measure I’m a successful person. I don’t feel it though. Most of the time it is just something simple like my kids saying “I love you…” or being able to hold my wife’s hand as we drive to work. I get that feeling that I’m not a waste and am not just fooling everyone.
No…you are not alone. I try to remember the simple things…woke up alive today, that’s a success. Got my kids off to school/day-care and they have clothes on, that’s a success. Made my son and daughter laugh and my wife look at me with the “are you high?” look. That’s a success.
I’m right there with you (and, apparently, thousands of others). I feel overwhelmed and like a screw-up so often and even when I’ve done something that kicks butt, my immediate next thought is, “what did I do wrong” or “what have I missed” or “what’s the next crisis”. I can’t seem to take 10 minutes to to be happy about the good things I’ve accomplished. Not that I feel like I’ve accomplished good things all that often – mostly I just feel like I’m drowning in a pile of things to do that will never get done. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not alone.
You are definitely not alone. There are days when my biggest accomplishment is setting foot outside or even just getting out of bed. My house is always a mess because I simply can’t keep up with the housework. Some people actually see me as having it together & accomplishing a lot (including my husband), mainly because I homeschool my kids. However, one day in my house & they might change their opinion. Our house is full of ADHD, with some Bipolar, Anxiety issues, & a few other as yet undiagnosed issues, so I can’t really say we’re normal. So, I don’t know how normal it is to feel like this, but I do know you aren’t alone.
Even if it isn’t exactly normal, at least you know there are a bunch of us out there with similar issues.
Like a lot of other people here, if there are 3-4 days in a month where I don’t feel like a giant useless blob, that’s a good month. I feel like the desire to be better people and any attempt in the positive direction is what makes us all better people. This is so cliche, but I think most everyone looks spotless and clean on the outside, but it’s the cracks and dirt that are really beautiful. And I really love these really personal and honest posts, along with the hilarious ones, because it shows all the messy bits in life. I just wanted to say thanks and I’m glad that we are all making it day by day, hour by hour, whatever is needed to keep on keepin’ on.
I can’t say that I’ve ever had a day where I feel good about myself and things that I’ve do that day. Every night I go to bed and lie there berating and belittling myself for all the mistakes I’ve ever made. Not just for that day, EVERY ONE. I’ve been this way for as long as I remember. I don’t like to go to bed. When the lights go out there’s nothing to do by lie there with my thoughts. My wife wonders why I come to bed so late; I’ve tried to explain that I’m scared of the dark. Well, not the dark itself, I’m afraid of being alone in the dark with nothing to drown out my own thoughts.
In case you can’t tell, I suffer from severe depression. It got so bad that I checked myself into a hospital several months ago. I wasn’t there for long, but if I hadn’t gone I’m not sure I would be here today. Doctors can’t seem to find the right combination of drugs to manage my depression. So far the only thing that the drugs have done was cause me to gain 50 pounds and they’ve completely gotten rid of my sex drive. And, you guessed it, the depression is still there.
The hardest part for me is the way my depression has affected my family. At first they didn’t really know how to handle me, they’d try to cheer me up as best they could. After they realized that wouldn’t work they moved on to understanding, for the most part, and told me that I should get help. Now, they’ve moved into frustrated and angry with me because of my depression.
So I’ll lie awake at night and think about how my family has every right to be mad at me and that I’m mad at myself for not being able to shake this. Oh sure, logically I know that depression isn’t a matter of just being able to shake it off. But that doesn’t matter when it’s 3 in the morning and you’re staring into the darkness. You start wondering why your family doesn’t just write you off. You start thinking that maybe your wife is only staying with you because she’s afraid you’ll hurt yourself if she asks for a divorce. You start to think that maybe everyone would be better off without you.
How does a person cope? I wish I knew. The ONLY thing that kept me from hurting myself was knowing what my death would have done to my family. Deciding not to hurt myself wasn’t for me, it wasn’t because I was getting better, it was because I knew it would hurt people that I care about. I still think that everyone would be better off without me. Every day I expect my wife to leave me, despite evidence to the contrary. For me, I don’t cope, I endure. Getting out of bed every day is an effort. I wish I knew of some way to be a better person than I am, a better husband, a better father, a better son, and a better brother. It’s hard to be a man your children can look up to when you’re feeling so low.
You are definitely not alone. As what most people here said, it occurs to the best of us, probably, once or twice a week at the minimum.
Emerson’s definition of success: “To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better… to know one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”
You’re so not alone.
I’m a Mom of 3 girls – I feel like a failure a lot of the time. Just keeping them on track is enough to make me feel like a total bitch – but someone has to do it. My husband is great, but he’s the fun parent. I’m the one that makes sure they all are doing what they need to do – not so fun. Plus, there’s the PTO – Lord help me – I can’t bear it either. I actually enjoy volunteering and hanging out with the kids at school sometimes, but the parents and administrators at those meetings? Yeah… no. I’d rather chew off all of my toenails and take a salt bath. It’s torture.
I’m also a writer. If anyone needs to choose a career that will beat them over the head with a “you’re not good enough” bat on a daily basis, this is the job for them. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It can be lonely – few people understand the mindsets or the work habits of writers. It can even be depressing…
Anyway – a walk makes me feel better. Getting outside, especially now in the fall- makes me think of new beginnings…
We’re all here for you… obviously, 3500 comments later 🙂 And, please don’t stop writing. Your blog, by itself, makes me feel better!
Most days I feel like I could have been better, done more, been a better version of myself. I struggle daily seeing how everyone else does more than I do, and is better at this whole “life” thing, when I am happy if I got up and to work on time. I see people ( even my family and friends, as sad as that seems) who are just very together and seem to sail along, where I just feel like I need a basket to put my broken bits and pieces into while I pick them up as I go about my day to day. Some days I have a “I did good!” feeling at the end of it, but most are still the whole “I need to get better at this” at the end of the day. Whenever its really bad I try to come up with 3 reasons I am awesome, or why my life is amazing. Sometimes it works, other times I struggle to come up with the 3 reasons. On those days, I try to talk to someone about it, if I can. Because sometimes people make it worse, not better.
This may not be a happy, feel good type of post, but I understand. Many people understand, I promise.
So not alone. I think I have a higher ratio of good to bad days, but even with that, there are days that I wonder if I’m worth the attention and love of the wonderful people that keep coming back and being my friends and my family – not that my family can get rid of me. 😛
Right there with ya at 3-4 days. I try to remind myself that in the end I’m never going to say “I should have vacuumed more often” or “I regret not cleaning cat boogers from the windows on a daily basis.”
I do want to thank the person who linked to the Positive Disintegration wiki, because now I have this sentence: Positive maladjustment prevails. Best. Sentence. Ever. Thank you, person who I’m too lazy to scroll through the comments to identify by name. I have a new mantra. You made my week.
A good chunk of this is normal. Issac Newton, for all his weirdness and vanity felt like he could have done so much more. (I was like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.)
I also think that what you define as your lack of focus is part of what gives you the ability to write and observe and self examine the way you do (in other words, what you do for a living). If your mind wasn’t pulled and blown around in so many directions you wouldn’t have all the novel and funny-but-true takes on everything. I don’t think you can have both the kind of mind you have (awesome, except for the parts that make you hurt, although the parts that make you hurt when you touch a hot stove so you pull away … those are OK) and the mind of an obsessive project manager. They tend to look at things from a very small number of directions, which I find impossible.
Hi Jenni,
I’m there with you at feeling at my best 3-4 days in a month. And on my crappy days, when I’m recognized for something, I often can’t appreciate the recognition because that day I feel like I’m completely failing. Or, the recognition is done in a public way and I die because I can’t be in the spot light. Like last week, I was given an award at work and I couldn’t speak and all I could think while I was shaking all of the big wig hands was that I look horrible and my hands are sweating and I have to shake their hands.
I know that sounds ridiculous. But that’s what went through my brain, instead of being really happy and smiling and saying thank you, I was frozen and could only think about how gross it must be for them to shake sweaty palms.
When I feel like I couldn’t get more low though, what helps me feel better about myself is making something really nice in the kitchen. After my daughter goes down for her afternoon nap, or to bed, I get to work and I’ll concoct a delicious French onion grilled cheese, a roasted beet and carrot salad with goat cheese medallions or something the like. Something that the rest of my family would never eat, but that I love. I make it and I sit by myself on the couch watching my favorite mindless TV and eat my delicious creation. And in that moment, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Eating like a king.
Yes, it’s horrible that I won’t prepare it and eat with my daughter, but you know what, 3 year olds are fun to eat with, they make messes that cause my OCD to go into overdrive and they make faces and say that the food I’ve so lovingly prepared is yucky.
Sometimes, I just need to sit and experience true goodness without the interruption of that or of my husband blathering on about whatever is the hot topic of the day.
I can really identify with your post. I have felt this way since childhood, before I even knew what anxiety and depression were. It would seem really bad for a while, hard to get out of bed because then I would have to face the real world and the people in it. I escaped by reading a lot. Those people always seemed to know what to do and I thought maybe I could learn how to be normal by reading how other people did it. Every now and then I would have a week or two when I felt really good, confident, and talking to people didn’t seem so scary, but I never could figure out how to stay that way. So that’s how things were until I was diagnosed w/ cancer 2 years ago. During treatment I could only focus on the here and now and didn’t have enough energy to worry about anything else. Since then, between the fatigue and “chemo brain” (that can make it hard to remember things and concentrate), I really can’t obsess anymore like I used to about what might happen, mistakes I made, how what I said was really stupid, etc. It’s kind of liberating, who knew? (I am however worrying about this post, that it might sound dumb, that I should re-write it some more–so I guess some things don’t change!)
You just described my life, down to the book that I can’t write because I have writer’s block. Massive, incapacitating, fuck-I’m-gonna-fail-epically writers block. Did I mention the book has to be ready for sale by December 17th? You.Are.Not.Alone.
You are SO not alone. I think many of us compare our own lives to other peoples, be that because of social media throwing all the ‘awesome’ time of others in our faces everyday or our own expectations of what life should be like and wondering why it isn’t like that. As a twenty something year old, I’m constantly putting pressure on myself because of the way I think I should be living my life and find it really difficult to accept that my life is actually pretty great considering. Just take it one day at a time and count your blessings (even if it is just one, it is still something amazing) – however hard it is, you’re not the only one doing it, I promise
xxx
You are not alone, and I want you to know that while I’ve never met you, your posts have been instrumental in my life, coping with my own anxiety and depression. It seems like at least once or twice a week I find myself so terrified that I’m failing that I just take off. I have to run or drive until I’ve exhausted myself, just to feel somewhat calm. But there are days when I read this blog and realize that maybe I’m really OK in my own way. We are all just doing our best, and that’s all anyone can ask of us. I don’t know if you’ll connect the way I have, but I found this Avett Brothers song really makes me feel better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpwaikUTLYY The refrain really hits me.
We can get through this, and you have to remember the WE. You are never alone, no matter what your depression tells you.
I totally get what you’re saying. But trust me, NO ONE has it all together. The people who appear to, whether it’s by their outfit, their Pinterest or Facebook postings, or their children’s accomplishments, are likely struggling just as much as you are. Most people aren’t open or forthcoming, so you don’t know about the messy house, the toast and bananas for dinner again, or the Xmas tree still in the living room in March. We all acknowledge that the Internet is full of mistruths, trolls, and edited images. Yet, we so willingly believe those lies. Unfortunately, it’s usually a truly tragic life event that changes our perspective and forces us to realize what’s really important. It sounds trite, but anyone dealing with a terminal illness in their family knows what’s important. People whose families have survived an F5 tornado or a Category 5 hurricane knows what’s important. When you’re dealing with things like that, your desperate prayers are for the people in your life. No one earnestly prays for better closet organization or an easier menu-planning system. We pray for the people we love and as long as they are healthy, warm, clothed, and safe, that’s all that matters. Please keep repeatedly telling yourself that. It’s the truth. Hailey will grow up and someday move out on her own. You will then have all the time in the world for Pinterest and book-writing. And you would give anything in the world to have her back under your messy, disorganized, chaotic roof for one more day of pancakes and giggles.
I can honestly not remember the last time I felt successful at life. Your comment about the shame of projects that have gone uncompleted really resonated with me. I have this constant pressurized feeling of guilt that bears down on me, ready to explode. If I’m working on a Sunday, I feel guilty that I’m not spending time with my dog/husband/friends and that I have no balance in my life. If I’m not working on a Sunday, I feel guilty that I should be getting work done. My biggest fear is that, when I have children, I won’t be able to be present and just enjoy them because I’ll be worried that I should be doing something else. It’s crippling.
Jenny,
I’m just catching up on this post, and haven’t yet read your updated “next day” piece just yet. Still, I felt compelled to pause here and say …
I too live in a town chock full of these seemingly amazing moms who look like they just stepped out of a parenting magazine, who are skinny and beautiful and never send their kids to school with a soup stain on their shirt that you just didn’t freaking notice when you dressed them this morning, or make anything less perfect than amazing snacks and desserts for party treats, who attend every school charity event (and sweetly question why you didn’t), throw glamorous parties for their pre-tween kids, drive all the shiny cars and never seem to have a hair out of place. It’s hard NOT to feel inadequate next to all that.
You know what I’ve noticed about these moms, though? How much of them depend on their social standing or reputations to maintain any sense of self-worth. How much their kids are afraid to make a mistake or put a toe out of line for fear of how it will reflect on their parents (because god forbid, anyone sees your kid as anything less than completely perfect because that means that you’re DOING IT WRONG and oh-my-god what will the neighbors think??) … how desperately these women strive to maintain this facade at all costs. I date a man who grew up in a family like this, and I can see firsthand the damage growing up like that does to a child … how even to this day, he stresses about his family’s potential reaction to things that are none of their business and is forced to maintain CIA-level secrecy over any little thing that MIGHT make his mother look like she’s less than Stepford-perfect, no matter how innocuous that thing might be.
Are you perfect, Jenny? No. You’re not. But your daughter can learn as much (and often more) from your mistakes than she can from your successes … but it all depends on how you choose to teach her. Instead of letting her think that mistakes and errors and not being perfect is TERRIBLE … it’s more important for her to know that the real point is that you get up, dust yourself off and keep trying, even in the face of knowing you screwed up. It’s better to see you apologize and *mean it* for losing your temper when you truly shouldn’t have (or when you lost it more than the situation warranted because you were just THAT stressed that day) than to never see you lose your temper at all. Kids hate fake, Jenny, and what you’ve got going for you more than anything is the fact that you are so undeniably REAL. Don’t ever be afraid to just be real.
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” — The Velveteen Rabbit
But as a Part II to your question … yes. There are days when I feel like I’m just kind of floundering my way through life, trying to figure out exactly what the hell it is that I’m supposed to be doing here, and hoping to god I get it right before I screw everything up. I think that this is human, and far more common than most people realize.
And as far as feeling like an impostor goes … you aren’t one. There’s nothing wrong with accepting praise for the things that you do right. If you trust any of us out here … if you listen to US one-tenth as much as we listen to YOU … then you have to know how many lives you have touched and how many people you have helped. You are a success because of that simple fact. This is why many of us love you, follow your blog, bought your book, and tune in every day just to see what’s going on in that cat-covered, curler-laden head of yours. This is not a masquerade, Jenny, this is very very real, I assure you. Do not fight us or get upset because we have said thank you. It hurts ALL of us when we try to give heartfelt thanks to you, only to see you get upset at yourself because of it. Do not strip away our ability to repay you in the small kind ways that we can, even if it’s only through these comments that say, “Thank you.” “You helped.” “You saved my life today.” “You made me laugh when I desperately needed to.” “Thank you for finally putting what I’m feeling into words.” “Well done.”
And as an aside … the life you have?? The successes you’ve achieved? You do deserve it. You deserve ALL of it.
The fact that you have made this post only proves how much.
Jennie I don’t suffer from depression, so I cannot personally speak to that. But in recent years my family has kinda fallen apart, leading to somewhat of an anxiety disorder for me. My husband left, and turned into a total schmuck, and now one of my beloved teenage children has developed a serious condition that is a huge strain to manage. I get through by trying to find my spirituality and through relaxation techniques. And I visit your blog almost daily, always excited if I see a new post. (I also go to Cheezburger and HappyPlace for quick laughs.) Point is, please don’t sell yourself short. What you do touches many, many people, every day. Any smile I can achieve in a day, let alone an outright laugh, is a big help to me, and I thank you for that. My only other recommendation is to never compare yourself to other people, because most of them have their own crosses to bear, or will at some point in life.
If it makes you feel any better, I just managed to spill tea down my shirt … at work … just after finishing this response. Talk about your screw-up days. On my worse days, I would cry … today, I’m choosing to laugh because there’s something so comically/cosmically RIGHT about me doing that just after submitting my last comment to you.
Over 3400 comments, so I’d say you’re not alone Jenny! My bar keeps getting lower and lower. Dressed before noon? Win! Able to take the dog for a walk, even if it’s just to the end of the block and back? Win! Cook something that’s not frozen or boxed? Major win!
You’re not alone in feeling like a complete impostor. I think that is normal for all of us because we were taught to just smile and pretend like everything is ok. I mean let’s be honest here, how many people are really happy to be at a funeral? But we all smile, and when someone asks us how we are, we lie and say that we are fine. We don’t mention the fact that two days before you were sobbing on your bedroom floor because your grandmother just died, or that when you went to go clean her house for all the company that would be coming you couldn’t stop crying. We are all liars and impostors, and you know what, that’s ok. Just make sure you have someone that you can be real with. That you can cry with when you are dying inside, and no one seems to notice.
As to how many days a month I feel like a success, I don’t really know. i don’t think about it too much. I think if I did, I would just be depressed over how my life turned out. This isn’t what I wanted, but it is what I have. It sounds so trite, but I have to tell myself that life gave me lemons, but by golly, I will make the best damn lemonade that I can out of it. No this isn’t where I wanted to be, but it is what it is.
This probably doesn’t help, but then again it might. My mom and I have the same conversation all the time since she suffers from anxiety and depression. She doesn’t get how I can just push through my nerves and anxiety, but the funny thing is, I learned it from her. My biggest secret to making it through the worst times in my life had been to spend time with kids and babies. The absolute love they can give you is amazing. Not to mention, they give the best hugs. And sometimes, you just need to sit on the floor and play a pretend game of being chased by alligators while riding on a train. 🙂
I am going through an extremely difficult stressful time of my life. My husband is having an affair with our “friend” and neighbor, we are going through a horrific divorce, and our children are suffering deeply. I’m worried about finances, the future, some very ugly rumors and even threats, and just about everything in between. But I feel competent and successful pretty much every day. I don’t feel debilitated, I am not curled up in a ball in fetal position, and I am optimistic about the future. My house is a wreck, I’m flying by the seat of my pants being a single mom, and running myself ragged, so I either have very low expectations for myself, or I’m incredibly resilient or maybe both. I certainly don’t sweat things like Pinterest. I’m stressed but happy enough and think I’m doing a great job under the circumstances. I am proud of myself. I have waves of feeling like a failure but they last a few minutes, maybe even an hour, probably once a month. Maybe there is something wrong with me?
You have some many comments, and I don’t know if you are going to see this, but you are not alone. I feel this way 90% of the time and I am not battling mental illness. I rarely get much accomplished other than wishing I had my shit together. Hearing my daughter (who is 2) laugh is what helps me because she is happy and healthy and I know I am doing something right there each day.
Thank you for posting this. We all need to know that we are not alone in this!
Okay, I realize I’m late to the party (when am I NOT late to the party?), but things are sucky to the max at work (people being demoted right and left, divisions being dissolved, some of my friends forcibly moved to other buildings, etc ad nauseum) PLUS I’m redecorating my basement based on a freaking TABLE LAMP I bought…but I have to comment, even if you never ever read this Jenny…because if ever anyone expressed (so eloquently) how I feel ALL THE TIME, you have in this post. I understand the depression because I’ve been dealing with it most of my life and I so get the feeling of being a total and complete failure at life. I can even look at you and say, Well, but at least someone loved you enough to marry you, you’ve got a great daughter, and you FINISHED and PUBLISHED a book…I haven’t done that. But you and I both know that’s the wrong way to look at it – we know it when we’re in our reasonable, rational state (which happens so rarely for me anymore)…we cannot judge ourselves by another’s yardstick. When I joined my Bunco group as a regular I felt I couldn’t do it – these women all have Pottery-Barn-Williams-Sonoma palatial houses (CLEAN Pottery-Barn-Williams-Sonoma houses!) and I…well, I don’t. I don’t have a big granite-topped island in my kitchen, I barely have counter space. No matter how hard I try, my Bunco prizes suck compared to theirs. And beyond all that, the constant looped recording in my head asks me, What have I done with my life? And I’m freaking SIXTY-TWO so what they hell can I accomplish in the little time I have left? But I believe, strongly, that we SUCCEED and TRIUMPH every time we pick ourselves up off the floor, get out of bed in the morning after a hellacious night, emerge blinking from a Pit of Hell depression, cross of ONE thing on our To Do List, and begin the fight all over again. And you, girl, you are KickAss whether you’re a zombie or just fighting the good fight. So don’t stop, okay?
Like you need another comment….but I must. My sister suffered from manic depression and probably other illnesses, and died in her sleep at 47 years old; from a heart attack apparently, but I say it was from a broken heart and a broken soul. Today you are alive – massive achievement #1. You know all those other parents at the school? They may look like they have it together but I’ll bet you anything that 99% of them are sitting there thinking very similar thoughts to yours: ” there’s that successful writer, wow she’s actually here, I wish I could speak to her, but she’ll think I’m an idiot. I wish I was funny like her, I wish I could write a book, what can I say I’ve done today?” Many of us struggle day-to-day to feel like we’ve done something worthwhile, achieved something, done more than get out of bed.
I find it interesting that some of the most talented artists/writers I have the privilege to “visit” every day on their blogs are mired in the same thoughts. Suggestion: go read the blog, “29 Black Street” and scroll back through a few weeks of her posts. See how amazing her artwork is, and read some of her posts about struggling with her own demons, negative self-talk, etc. Hope this helps.
Yes and yes and 1000 yes. I feel this way almost all the time. I know, objectively, that I’m a success; but believing it doesn’t seem to take. I can’t keep my house clean, and I’m in debt, and I think I’m probably a shitty mom. I’m so glad it’s not just me.
Oh Dear One….
Give up the labels. Depression, anxiety, etc. You are Jenny. That is all you need to know.
Try not to compare yourself to others. They may ‘look’ together and pastel and all that shit, but we are all just beans struggling along. I struggle with this too and I’m helping to run a comic con. (don’t think I’m geeky enough) whhhaaatttt???!!! Comparison just makes me feel less than worthy.
I’m lucky….I survived depression. I’m not on meds anymore. I had ECTs. I’m not sure what changed. But I feel good now. I don’t self harm anymore. I figured out also what I could handle in life and that is what I do. I can only work part time. So I do.
Please just do what you can. I also feel fake. I live life enjoying polar opposites which confuses me. Sometimes I have to go into the handicapped bathroom because the others are too claustrophobic.
I don’t apologize for how I feel or what I need to do to be okay. I can’t give you advice, only suggestions because you get plenty of that. Do what you need to do to stay okay.
Too much swirling around. Be good to you. (imagine Yoda – Depression Lies, yes.) Thank you for being you even though it must really suck sometimes. Sometimes I feel I still should be all depressed and suicidal. What the Fuck??!!! Now go hide in a blanket fort, because after writing this, I need to.
Jenn
It’s not just you. I feel like I’m treading water most days. A few days a month I might think I’m managing even tho I know I’m behind. And rarely.. maybe once every 4-6 months for a few hours, I feel like I’m flying. Like life is flowing smoothly. I love that feeling. Things just seem easy. And sometimes, maybe 3-4 days every few months, I feel like I’m climbing uphill with every single thing I do. Everything is a struggle. But most days, it’s treading water. I’m always looking for ways to make it better. To simplify or remove things that add stress or strain. I try to keep up with things that help my health.. because even rough days aren’t as rough if I have enough sleep and have eaten well, etc.. I work to let go of many expectations and hopes.. The hope that I’ll keep my kitchen spotless like my in-laws. Expectations that there will always be pants for the kids in the pants drawer. The dream of having a lunch and dinner plan (nutritious and homemade!) every day. I cut things that aren’t the highest priority.. and simplify them. I’m trying to pay attention to what ‘must’ be done and not ‘what I think needs to be done.’ I can knock myself out trying to run errands, do tasks, and risk being late for something.. or realize that the time-line was self-imposed. I have to change plans and be adaptable as much as possible. Looking for the easy solution isn’t weakness. It’s taking care of ourselves.
For what it’s worth, every time I’ve talked heart to heart with someone who I thought was “Shiny Happy Perfect”, I realize that they struggle too. Just in different ways. My dr says the reason the WonderMoms accomplish so much when I feel behind and tired.. is that they use Red Bull and drugs. Which makes me laugh but hey. If it comes down to caffeine and drugs, I’m ok knowing that I can’t do it all. I can’t even do much of it. I don’t have a successful career, I haven’t started my dream business, my house is cluttered most days.. but my kids have pants on, food to eat, and are happy and healthy. No, that’s not lower standards, that’s priorities. I still try. But I also *try* not to let that overwhelmedness (yes, that’s a word! or it should be) or frustration paralyze me. And once or twice, I hear rumor that, apparently, someone out there thinks I have my sh*t together. So I share. Because I don’t. None of us do.
I couldn’t read 3000 plus comments to see that I’m sure this has already been said, but you have to remember that everyone looks good from the outside. It’s something I have to remind myself of nearly every day! There are things I do well and things I don’t – and really I need to stop getting upset that I was not good at something that I honestly don’t care about (that I choose not to care about!). Yeah, I was quite possibly the messiest, most rumpled mom at the park today with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup on and a coffee stain on my shirt. I start by feeling bad about that but then have to remember that I really can’t be bothered to do my hair and makeup. It’s not me. It holds me back as then I don’t want to mess up that effort!
I’m not sure how many days I feel accomplished (a scary thought that I am currently choosing not to care about and stock of!). But one thing that does help me feel accomplished is if I have some sort of list of things I want to try to do that I can check off (if you feel like you don’t make it through that, there are 2 solutions. First, make sure that you put easy stuff on there too and second, put everything on there! Stuff you KNOW you’ll do! Hell, stuff you already did just to check it off. … is that too OCD? )
Half a dozen days a month, tops. We’ve still got shit packed from the move before last too.
I’m late to echo what others have said: you are not alone. I feel successful only sometimes. But I have learned this, and sorry if someone else has already said it…BACK AWAY from Facebook and Pinterest on days when you’re feeling less than stellar. Because they LIE! People create fictions of their best selves and put that on FB and Pinterest. If I want fiction, I’ll read a book or watch a movie.
This sounds all too familiar. It´s getting better since I realized that I´m depressed and started taking meds, now I´m allowing myself to feel proud of small successes more often. Maybe 5, if I´m lucky 10 days a month. Recently I found a quote on Tumblr that reminds me of this that I really liked, “we always compare our behind-the-scenes videos to everyone else´s highlight reel.” Posts and comments like this remind me that I´m a) not actually failing at everything, b) not alone. Thanks, and good luck.
I think the 300+ replies prove you are not alone and therefore neither am I. I seriously sit at my desk daily waiting for someone to fire me, waiting for someone to realize I have no idea what I am doing. Not at work, home or life in general. I obsess about the ways I have probably already fucked up my children and one of them isn’t even a year old yet. There might be 1-3 days a month I feel like I am worth my salary.
I too make a point out of spending time with my daughter, she’s six so anything means the world to her even if it is me laying in her bed basically watching her play while I try to hide my fears/anxieties and depression from her. If I add up all those times that meant the world to her I might squeeze out 12-15 days a year where I feel I am worthy of being called Mommy.
I do not have any of the illnesses you have (or have been diagnosed with them at least)..but i still have days that i feel are unaccomplished or wasted… and i question things and wonder what i can do ‘better’…prolly 1 or 2 days a week are like that…. But your sense of humor can snap me out of a funk faster than most anything… (can you look into bottling that….cuz i’d buy it)
Everything you’ve written I’ve experienced at some point in my life. Every 4-6 weeks, I actually cry over FB posts about other’s perfect children (when my son is struggling in school and we’re trying to find the right ADHD cocktail to help him), or how someone’s lost another 5 pounds and ran 10 miles (when I go up and down, and laugh at the thought of running), or how perfect someone’s house is (when mine is falling apart, literally, (and not that new freaking meaning of literally that actually means FIGURATIVELY, asshats) and am wondering when the black mold from all the leaking water that we haven’t dealt with in years will make all of us sick; and wish somehow those almost-six-feet weeds in the postage-stamp sized backyard would stop growing and die). It takes a day or two to remember that everyone on FB lies. As Dr. Cox said, “People are bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.”
Also identify with the imposter thing. I rarely take complements well. I often wonder how I made it this far in life and just hope to hell I don’t screw up my son’s life anymore than it already will be due to the genes he inherited from his parents.
I sometimes wonder how much better I’d feel if I quit Facebook and the internet, because when I think about it, I had *some* aspects of these things 20 years ago, but it didn’t seem to be as bad.
I learned that anyone can look shiny & pretty when they totally don’t have their shit together and have managed only that spray-in dry shampoo and a wash cloth bath 4 of the last 5 days. They don’t help their kids with homework at all because they are too busy making sure the world thinks they are living the perfect life. Their dusty boxes are stored in off-site storage facilities, POD’s, and houses they have abandoned because they became inhabitable. Their lives look pretty & pastel but truth be told they are exhausted by all the trying to look happy and making sure that the picnic baskets, napkins and dishware that they couldn’t afford all coordinate. They never run out of toilet paper because there are 3 cases hidden in the garage, behind the dusty boxes of bills they’re pretending they didn’t get and won’t need to pay.
Everyone has secrets, nobody is as pretty as they look.
Perfectionism is unattainable, learning to be the best you that you can be – is as close as anyone can get and that will hopefully bring unmitigated joy.
Sadly, even though I KNOW all of this I lament that I’m not thin enough, not courageous enough, not clever enough, not organized enough, not stylish enough, and frequently not smart enough. I try to surround myself with people who help slay those negative dragons that live in my head; it’s been a process, but I think I’m winning 20 out of 30 days.
Me being honest: uhm… I’m successful about 4 days a month. Most of those days have something to do with me learning how to do something new in roller derby, like skate forward without falling or like getting up without using my hands when I DO fall. Mediocre shit like that. Granted, I’m on top of the world when I go home sore but without any bruises… I’m just saying. I think 4 is about average. Yay mental illness for robbing us of any self worth outside of our tiny accomplishments! But no, in all seriousness, we’re all in this together. I definitely appreciate how candid you are about this stuff. It’s a real monster.
I’m several days late and hundreds of dollars short (just like ALWAYS) but I wanted to chime in and say, yeah, that’s pretty normal. We’re all pretty much faking our way through this life, and I think I’ve discovered a secret. The ones who seem to be the most together and on top of everything? They’re the worst of all, especially the ones who would NEVER admit it.
Sssssshhhhh! Don’t let on that I told you. It would make them sad.
-kdh
Yesterday I received an email from a friend who is going through a terrible divorce. She told me about her terrible divorce in the last email she wrote me in June. Yesterday’s email started with the words, “I’ve owed you an email for so long and I’m so sorry.” The fact is I’m the one who has owed her an email for months. A consoling email that addresses her terrible divorce…. But apparently she has lost all use of her memory during said divorce, and has forgotten that I never replied, and I got a free pass. Whew! I really need to be sure to reply to this email….
And that’s just how it is with all my emails every month – I am months behind on replies, and congradulations, and I’m glad you pulled through your heart surgerys, and I’m sorry your wife dieds.
I’m really bad at being an adult, and not just in the email department – in most departments (yesterday I had chips for dinner). But surprisingly, I’m fairly happy and most people like me. And I’ve found that a genuine apology goes a long way.
I am new to your blog. This is probably only the third post I read, but it struck a chord with me. I’m not diagnosed with anything and I feel like this all the time (perhaps I should be?!). You described me very well. You are most definitely not alone!! Those shiny perfect people piss me off.
After four days, are you still reading these? You have gotten an amazing number of comments on this, but in case one more helps…
It took me four days to read this post, so that should be a clue that I feel like you do. Not four days of constant reading, of course. I just now found it because I haven’t looked at crap in about a week. I have about the same number of “good days” as you do. Three or four where I really feel like a normal person again. My problem has been insomnia at night and drowsiness during the day, pain from Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis, anxiety because I’m not getting shit done, and overwhelmed feelings because everywhere I look 20 things need doing. There’s business shit, home shit, family shit, and other shit. I just can’t cope with it most days, so I go take a nap because I’m too tired to think.
You’d think the napping is what fuels the insomnia, but that’s not the case. When I don’t nap, sometimes I still can’t sleep. When I have one of my kick-ass days, I can’t sleep because I’m so excited at how much I got done but then feel overwhelmed at what still has to be done, short term and long term.
Not just you, my friend. I don’t know if this helps you at all, but it does help me a little to know that I am not the only one not getting shit done. I won’t look at your baseboards if you won’t look at mine. Or the tables, or the pile of papers on my desk or all the work that NEEDS to be done this week. Damn it. I’ve just depressed myself again. Time to nap!
Having a particularly rough day today.
Headed on over to your blog…read about the Suicide Prevention Week.
Came across this song.
Thank you.
Jenny, you hit the nail on the head. I am a very successful person, on the outside: responsible corporate position, everyone looks up to me, I make big bucks and manage lots of projects and am very competent. *shrugs* I guess. I never feel like I know what I’m doing; I’m always making it up as I go. And that’s just my professional life. I’m a widow and I keep rethinking my marriage and how life got me here. Why did I waste so much time acceding to his wishes? Who am I? (I’m told this is a normal reaction for a widow. It feels fucked up.) I hate so much that all the responsibilities have fallen on me with only half the income, and I too hide under the covers when I don’t have to be at work. Every time my doctor tries to help me lose weight, I take it as criticism and failure (I’m fat! I’m worthless!). Every bill collector reminds me that I’m a spendthrift and irresponsible. I suck! … That’s the song in my head. And yet I have friends and family who love me (because they have lousy taste) and I keep getting bonuses and raises at work. But I don’t feel like a success. This weekend I hung a new shop light in the basement and that was my big accomplishment. How many days a month do I feel “worth it?” None. I’m just glad to have made it through another day so I can load up on carbs until I pass out in a blood sugar rush and sleep the night away.
With 3481 comments, I’m sure mine will not hit your radar…but I’ve always loved gambling.
You want honesty? I’m a complete lazy ass and I have no idea why my husband is married to me still. He does EVERY.THING. in our house. Dishes, laundry, yard work, cooking, making sure the kids brush their teeth, vacuuming, changes the sheets. I mean…the man is a saint. And you know what? He loves me ANYWAY. Why? I have no idea…I must be a REALLY good lay. That’s all I can think of. Also? I make pretty fucking amazing kids. And bruschetta. That’s my legacy…my kids and bruschetta. Now I’m really fucking depressed. No wonder my husband takes a swig from the Costco-sized bottle of Bacardi that is stashed behind the huge mound of stupid plastic grocery store bags in the cupboard every day.
The cool thing is…we can change. And since we’re being honest? We are not lying to ourselves about what we do and don’t do. We already know this. So, improvement on ourselves can be as simple as making a list of things we CAN accomplish in a day. I make lists all day long at work, but once I walk through the door at home? My purse may or may not hit the table or chair and fall onto the ground and my fat ass is sitting on the couch tuning into one or more of the many episodes of Duck Dynasty that I have seen 20 times or more…FOR HOURS ON END.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m going to get on the bandwagon and set myself one task a day to accomplish at home. Even if it’s ONE DAMN LOAD OF LAUNDRY and I’m going to do it and that is ALL I’m going to ask myself to do. Once I get in a routine to do it, I shall add another task to my list. It doesn’t have to be ALL of the things you NEED to get done. Just let it be one or two of the more really important things…get in a habit of doing them…KEEP doing them, then add to the list little by little until you are motherfucking June Cleaver. or J.K. Rowling…or whoever you dream you want to be – which is probably just another version of you without all the sadness and living under blankets and all of that jazz.
The main thing is that Victor loves you. Hailey loves you. Many of us love you. You aren’t lost. Sure…you’re a little *touched*…but who isn’t?
Ok, I haven’t read all the comments, so someone else may have covered this, but just in case, here goes…
1. They (the shiny happy people) are all faking it. Yes they are. Yes they are.
2. That one —> … She’s on drugs. It’s the only possible way.
3. Most days I’m just too tired to self-criticize. I have come out on the other side of 50 in a wonderful place. I have a great life, I truly do. But most days I’m just exhausted. The problem is, you’re letting your tired rule your brain instead of just resting.
4. It keeps getting better. My teens sucked. My 20s were not good. My 30s things started to come around. My 40s I actually started to see and feel improvement. Now, I know life is good. But I have bad days, too sometimes…so I tell my husband that it’s a bad day and he’s lovely. And maybe I just stay in bed. Escape into a book or a movie.
5. I have found meditation helps, even though I only really do it a couple times a month. (Gosh, imagine if I could be self-motivating enough (not self-critical enough) to do it every week! Or every day! Reading about meditation taught me to stop, sometimes, and just breathe. Literally, smell the roses. Hug a kitten. Or puppy. Or daughter.
Just like in AA you only have to get through the next day. Or the next hour. Or the next minute. And breathe.
This past week was my Son’s first birthday. I bought a cake. We had leftover pizza. I didn’t wrap more than two gifts because I just didn’t have the energy. We didn’t have a party. My daughter and I made birthday hats the day of and even those were half-assed and we only made them because I thought they’d be a good thing for my daughter to color/do and I felt like I owned my son something. I know it’s stupid to feel like I failed as a mother because it’s his first birthday for crying out loud and he wouldn’t even remember it. But I wanted to do more. I wanted to make decorations. I wanted to make a cake and not just buy one the day before. I wanted to have the energy to clean the house and have people over and have one of those awesome themed birthdays that people all over pinterest have. But I just couldn’t do it.
I have to take naps in the middle of the day. My kids watch way more tv then I’d like them to. No one takes baths nearly as much as they probably should. Sometimes I wear the same thing for days in the row and hardly ever leave the house. I know deep down that I am not a bad mother or a bad person. My rational side of my brain tells me this. But my irrational side tells me the opposite. It’s hard. Some days are harder then others but I survive. And that is what is my biggest struggle. Surviving. So when I do, I consider that a successful day. Today I survived. And maybe tomorrow I’ll do more than just survive but so long as I am surviving and my kids wake up to another day having their Mom then I know that I am doing my best and they are loved.
I would like to point out (in case one of your other 3400+ commenters hasn’t already) that Pinterest is inherently evil, in that all those ingenius crafts and witty sayings are displayed in such a way that you can’t help but feel not clever/crafty/accomplished enough. I would like to know how many of those recipes or crafts have you all tried and they failed miserably? I’m guessing a lot. Because the project is never as simple as it seems. The plans are poorly designed or there is a higher skill required that your average pinner does not have. And yet you feel as though YOU have failed. I have learned to admire many pins from afar, because if they look too good to be true, then they probably are. Or you could just buy whatever it is and skip the headache/feelings of hopeless inadequacy. I like Pinterest, it has its uses, but I have caught myself feeling “not enough” after browsing its shiny pages and I don’t even have anxiety or depression. Pinners beware! I would also caution against similar sites, like apartmenttherapy, that showcase the carefully curated house and garden. I look at those photos and think, “Where are the tiny toys strewn under the couch? And the petrified cheerios under the kitchen table? I would never think to hang that giant metal sculpture over the bed. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?” We should all cut ourselves some slack and be happy for the little things we do every day, like get to work and back, keep our children fed and bathed and alive (harder than it seems some days), and being a good friend/spouse/parent/child. I think it’s very easy, for any of us, to fall into the trap of “not enough,” but perhaps a different perspective can help. I can honestly say that one of the little moments of happiness in my otherwise soul-sucking work day comes from reading your blog. You are a very talented writer with a unique gift for connecting with your readers. Look for those little moments of happy, and thank you for helping me find mine!
Something worth remembering: we are human beings, not human “doings”
I’m a recovering Type-A who judged a lot of my self worth by what I could accomplish. When my life took a completely unexpected direction that all fell apart and I could no longer point to what I “do” and judge from it who I AM. It may not speak to everyone, but a little Buddhist philosophy came into my life and gave me a new perspective on what I was going through. It allowed me to step away from the ways I used to judge myself and my self-worth and really learn about acceptance and compassion (especially for myself!)
It feels great to check things off a list (Oh, ye GODS, how I LOVE lists!!), or point to our accomplishments and say: “that was me! I did it!” I hope we all have those moments big, and small, when we feel good about ourselves and what we can do. But, at the end of our lives, I don’t think we want to believe we were a sum total of all the stuff we managed to get done. Did you notice something beautiful today? Did you eat something you enjoyed? Or something you hated? Did you laugh at something ridiculous? Did you cry? Did you touch someone? Did someone touch you? Did you hold your child? Did you realize that you here, alive, right now, and wow…that’s amazing? That’s being here. That is “doing” something. It’s just not something we tend to value.
I’m a SAHM of a military spouse who can be gone for extended periods of time leaving me with two kids under 4. I am the definition of not getting stuff done. So, I do try to practice what I preach. Especially, self-compassion. We are here, now. It’s all we have. And, in truth, it’s pretty awesome.
Love to you, inspiring one.
There are so many days when I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing, so you are not alone.
I wanted to let you know that I read your book, twice, and I liked it so much that it has inspired me to get back to work on my own blog. I’m writing a lot more now, and trying to be more open about my own struggles with depression, anxiety, etc. Thank you for writing with so much honesty.
I have definitely had days (and still do) where I feel like that. Truthfully, the only thing I can figure out is that…really, there isn’t a good way to “be.” Everyone, no matter how pretty and pastel they look, has issues. And the ones that think they don’t? They’re the most fucked up of us all. At the end of the day, what helps me is to hold on like hell to the things that make me happy. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. If your biggest accomplishment was going to the bank- GO FUCKING YOU. I know someone who was so depressed that at one point she didn’t get out of the bed to use the bathroom (not like, I’m too lazy to get up and go…like, I literally don’t care so I’ll just go here)…so a trip to the bank is a big fucking deal in comparison. I’m sorry you only have a few good days a month, but I pray that it gets better for you.
I have neither depression nor anxiety and I only feel successful 4-5 days a month. Since losing my last job I have considered it a good day when I earn money and buy food. I’m being a success at just surviving.
Wow, so many things I want to say. Thank for you for sharing this. I wish you could hear when my friends and I talk about how much we love you: your humor, your honesty, and even your depression. What I really want to say is that if I’ve learned anything in my 45 years, I’ve learned that if you scratch an inch below the facade of those shiny, pastel people, they too have issues and secrets and a closet full of skeletons. That perfect marriage? Isn’t. That perfect parent? Isn’t. Maybe their issues aren’t your issues, but they have issues. They just aren’t as honest as you. And, again, we love you for that honesty. Hang in there, Jennifer. Sending positive energy your way.
I’m sitting here with my unwashed hair…and as a stay at home mom, my biggest accomplishment might be having successfully fed my family today. In a month, it would really be hard to say how many days I feel successful. Maybe it’s better to not keep track?
You get major credit for just attending PTA or other school functions. That does not mean you have to do more than go and see what is going on. My daughter is the only new student in her preschool class. I know, it’s just preschool. But she is my baby. Imagine my surprise when 2 other moms came up to me in the classroom at open house to introduce themselves and their kids and to say how happy they were to meet us and that they were so excited there is a new student. People are still good. People still care. And they have some of the same struggles we have. Unwashed hair and all.
You know all of those pretty people you see with the perfect lives? Their lives aren’t nearly as perfect or as pretty as you think they are. A lot of my personal issues revolve around how other people see me, trying to follow social conventions so that I don’t stand out too much, as if the approval of strangers actually matters. So I might appear to have it together, but the truth is that I am also in pain. I just happen to have a set of coping skills that allows me to hide it successfully from all but those closest to me. Sometimes I just don’t know how to be in the world. But I do know that the only thing, the ONLY thing I can control is myself. I can’t change the way other people treat me, but I can change the way I react to their treatment. And that’s how I keep going – I keep struggling through these lessons because I know from experience that if I look hard enough, I will learn something about myself that will help me to be a better, deeper, more compassionate person. So the struggle itself is an extremely valuable and worthwhile activity.
In response to your PPPS: You’re bravely speaking from the heart and helping a lot of other people know they aren’t alone. That is not, by any definition, a failure! But it reminded me of a similar experience with negative self-talk, which is one of my real pitfalls and something I’ve been working on avoiding. This time, when I caught myself thinking mean things about myself, I got mad and thought “Damn it, I’ve got to stop falling into that stupid trap!”. So, in essence, I was being hard on myself for being hard on myself. Thankfully, once that hit me, I had to laugh at myself, which made me feel a lot better.
And remember, you are stronger than you think you are.
I can’t read all the comments and maybe you’ll never get to reading mine (that’s OK), but thank you for eloquently writing what I’m feeling.
My kids are too young for me to be a PTA mom, but I run a moms’ group and volunteer in the neighborhood and manage the extended family contact list and…and…and…
And I’m not one of those PTA moms. I look like it. People think I have my shit together (except the makeup thing – I never learned how to do that every day). But at home, when I’m alone, I feel like a mess. That “Shit, I’m fucking shit up” feeling. Most days. I probably have that feeling for at least portions of Every Single Day, and your few-days-a-month of feeling good at life sounds about right. Maybe optimistic.
My sister tells me: “Don’t judge your outtakes by someone else’s highlight reel.” Which is becoming one of my mantras, along with “Depression lies.” The only other thing that helps is getting more sleep. When the insomnia doesn’t eat my brain.
I don’t know how to fix it, but I know you’re not alone. (Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone either)
Jenny,
So, this is post 3,495. You may actually get to it before Christmas. So here’s the thing. You make me laugh. I don’t think that there is a greater, more perfect gift that a person can receive than laughter. So, when you are hiding in the closet, or suffering from one of many forms of mental health troubles, or you just don’t give a shit and want to stay in bed all day, know this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Oh, and you make me laugh. Outloud. Like I did as a child. Don’t take this the wrong way, because I don’t want Victor to come over here and kick my ass, but I love you. Not like that! The kind that is best described by the Greek word “Philios” I feel like you are one of my crazy cousins. Oh, and I’m proud of you. You bare your soul and pour out your heart, and then you put all that fear and anxiety in a box and come out on tour in places like Tempe in the SUMMER. You are a brave, brave woman. Don’t ever doubt that.
I know I’m a few days late here but I just wanted to say that I think that there are very few people who are productive every single day, and those that are are the weird ones. I consider a good day to be one that I kept the kids from killing each other and the dog didn’t eat something weird that she wasn’t supposed to (like clorox wipes) I think we all try to put on a facade that we’ve got our shit together but most of us don’t. thanks for posting this when you did, it was a good reminder that we shouldn’t be as hard on ourselves as we are.
A few years ago, I met a couple who had it totally together. Good jobs, nice house in the country, nice kids, fit, energetic, able to get on the road by 7am …. Lovely people who were always friendly and welcoming, but in comparison I felt disorganized, lazy and drastically inferior.
Turned out he had an anger problem and took it out on the kids. Eventually she left him, and he committed suicide the next day.
Since then, I’ve never assumed people have got it together, no matter how much it looks like they do. I probably look like I’ve got it together too, and that’s probably no more an illusion for me than for anyone else.
Um, there have been days when making it to the bank would have been an extremely successful day for me! I was sexually abused as a child and the fallout from that seems like it will never end. My first two marriages were to dirtbags that were more than happy to confirm my low opinion of myself with emotional, mental, and physical abuse (we tend to get just exactly what we are willing to put up with!) The up-note is that I got two super-smart, funny, kind-hearted, and gorgeous kids out of the deal. And therein lies the only reason that I survived my twenties and thirties! My third marriage (I’m a SLOW learner) was to a very nice Persian man that was kind to me and my kids, loved my Granny, lied to me A LOT, and got us into half a million dollars worth of debt without me knowing. We seriously had two properties in other cities that I knew nothing about! And this while I was getting him his green card, supporting his hairy ass, and putting up with all the adventures that come with marrying someone from a different (VERY different) culture. He actually brought me home a cardboard box full of about twelve chickens in the middle of winter. I don’t live on a farm, I’m not equipped for fowl, and the temps at night were below freezing. They stayed in my laundry room – and, no, I don’t want to talk about it. He thought they were “beautiful” and had never cared for another living being in his life. He dropped them off to me and left, for two weeks. Our black lab had whittled the flock down to nine when I decided that the beautiful chickens had to GO. Fortunately for me, there are other cultures living in my area that are VERY of appreciative of free beautiful chickens. All this to say that it does get better. I have been off all psych meds except Ambien for the ever-present sleep disorder, Xanax for the occasional harrowing situation, and Fiorinal for the odd migraine, for about three years. I feel better than ever, have gone back to college and received stellar grades, and was recently admitted to nursing school, which has been my lifelong goal. My kids are happy, well-adjusted humans. My boyfriend is the kind of guy I should have chosen 27 years ago. BUT – I am fast approaching the half century mark! It has taken me nearly FIFTY years to get to this place!! Quit kicking yourself!! You, my dear, are where you need to be at this point in your life – and, from what I can see, it ain’t half bad! And it will keep getting better, trust someone who knows. I have serious social phobia and anxiety, long-standing, atypical depression, and THE WORST self-esteem. And you know what? I’m okay. I’m better than okay. You are, too.
I don’t know if you’ll get to read this comment but if you do I hope it helps.
I read the article and felt sad. Then I read some of the comments and felt even sadder to see that most people live the same way you are living. I used to live this was as well.
I’m from India and here the normal thing to do is study hard, get into a good college, get a good job, get married, have kids, ruin their lives and then die. I went to a good college and got a good job working as a marine engineer on ships. It was very good money, something Indians love a lot (I mean even more than most other nationalities). I was set for life. But I wasn’t happy at all. You feel like a successful person 3 or 4 days a month. I felt like that maybe 3 or 4 days a year.
It really bothered me why I continued to feel like a loser when I was doing really well. I was living a normal life. It had it’s normal life problems and I tried to handle them in the normal way of alcohol and cigarettes and tried to stop thinking too much. I tried to become comfortably numb, to get lost in the show on TV and learn to pass time without feeling depressed all the time. I came to the point where going to a psychiatrist and getting drugs seemed like the only option left. Luckily in India it’s not that common to go for therapy and I resisted.
Instead I decided to take things in my hand and change my life. If you are not happy with your life shouldn’t you just change it? Shouldn’t you just make your life the kind of life that will make you happy? For me I knew what I wanted. I didn’t like working on ships and instead wanted to be a writer or a musician. So one day, in the haze of depression I decided to quit sailing. Foolishly I did it when I had no money in the bank. I wasn’t courageous, just stupid. I quit sailing in March 2012. Since then I’ve been trying to live my dreams. I’ve become a decent freelance writer. I’ve stayed at home with my parents as I’ve been bankrupt for a long time. I am still struggling and have many years of struggle in front of me. There is no clear cut path in front of me that can assure a safe future. But you know what, I’m loving it. I’m happy. Truly happy. The way I used to be when I was a kid. The depression is all but gone. It still comes from time to time but I get back on my feet within hours now. I still get sad. It’s not like I’m living in Disney world all the time. There is sadness, loneliness, fear, lots of fear, anxiety, stress and sometimes depression but there’s also happiness and excitement and the general feeling inside is that of happiness. Now 3 or 4 days a month I feel like a loser. Most days I feel content with the progress I’m making. On some days I feel like a loser but it’s not depressing but rather motivating. For the most part of this 1.5 years I’ve basically struggled with my depression. I’ve only just begun to start working seriously as a freelance writer. In the past my depression made me ignore deadlines and I earned bad rep as a freelancer. But all is good because I am getting better.
What I want to say by sharing my story is that there is “normal” way of living. It involves staying depressed and lonely and taking pills to manage it. You can see that in your comments. Most people continue to live this way and do nothing about it. You’ve achieved a lot more than a normal person but you still feel the same way. As far as I know from reading your blogs for a few months now, you already are doing what you love. But you need to handle your depression. You can beat it. It’s doable. I did it without a psychiatrist. Taking pills is not a cure it’s a symptom management system. But if you really want to beat your depression you can do it. You’ll have to start with the choice of making a change. That’s all it takes. And then patience and perseverance.
I know that in modern normal culture, especially american culture, things like spirituality and peace and grace and faith are looked down upon. They are thought to be corny or silly or whatever. But what I want to know is that why do people continue to think this way and live horrible lives instead of trying out some of this corny stuff. And I’m not talking about the new age spirituality stuff of astral projection and alien angels and what not. That’s crazy. But there are very sensible points in spiritual books about basics of life such as love and harmony. Instead of continuing to call all this unscientific stuff crap and then take more scientific pills to manage the newly discovered disorder that you have, why not try out this crap for yourself. Read some books, think about it, the parts that make sense, try them out.
I don’t know if you have read it but The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck should be a good book for you to read. I hope you choose to take action. Even if you don’t I hope you experience your personal journey in life to the full. I love reading your blogs.
Dear Jenny,
I don’t even know where to begin.
No one has pretty, pastel lives. Some are just really good at faking it.
You are awesome. Depression sucks. Honesty rules.
I read a lot of blogs and quite frankly, I think a lot of bloggers are just making things up. You can’t home school and have great homes and sweet kids and do fun stuff every day and go on a plane with 5 kids all the time. Just not possible. You know how they say: don’t compare everyone else’s front stage with your own backstage. Well, it is true.
Even if you don’t feel good, know that your blogs are making other people feel good. I don’t have mental illness but I too feel better all the time after reading your blogs. Even my husband thinks you’re funny.
You are making an impact and it is awesome.
If you want to feel better, I say go for it. You (and everyone) deserves to feel good about themselves. If you’re looking for new ways: I recommend quitting sugar. I cannot even tell you how much of a change it’s been for me. If you’re not up for that, go explore your own ways. Again: you are awesome, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Take care,
Inge (all the way from the Netherlands 🙂
How many days in a month do you actually feel like you kicked ass, or were generally a successful person? About, maybe 2ish? Although that’s not to say I feel UNsuccessful other times. Those average about a week out of the month, so about 21 day out of the average month I feel… ok. I can live with OK
What makes you feel the worst?
Life? is that a choice? Um, I feel the worst when I let the things that need to be done overwhelm me. It always seems like an insurmountable problem, like I can never focused on what I’ve accomplished because I can only see what I haven’t
What do you do to make yourself feel more successful?
Um, I have no idea how to trigger the successful feeling. I get lucky, basically. But, when it gets the worst, I put something funny on TV, or grab a book, play a video game, or just sleep. Esentially, turn my brain off. In fact, I’m never in a silent room. That’s when the doubts creep in, all the little thoughts. And I tell people, I ask for help. Sometimes people drag me out of the house (I’m great to guilt trip because I fall for it every time –Damn Catholic upbringing!), sometimes they just make sure to be around if I need them. Most of my closest know by now that telling me things are good isn’t going to help, they help me switch gears by distracting me. Good food is usually a mood booster, too, if I’m not too far gone to eat.
I think this might be my fourth attempt at a comment on this–I think maybe your site was in tilt mode when I tried before. I’ve never seen so many comments! If my other comments made it, my apologies.
I’ve actually said to a therapist before (something I say to myself and close friends) that I often feel as if I’ve failed Life 101. I’ve also admitted that I think people think I’m smarter than I actually am. I felt like a big fake at my last job (I’ve now been a SAHM for nearly 11 years).
I think modern society has created this picture of the perfect person that is absolutely unattainable. And why should we waste our precious time even trying to be that person, right? We’re all awesome in our own right.
As Steward Smalley says (I was so tickled to see you mention him!) “Compare and despair!” 😀
PTA can suck it. All the fake people of the world are probably empty inside and feeling like failures themselves. Those perfect couples probably aren’t so perfect behind closed doors.
I decided long ago that there’s no such thing as a normal family.
We’re all just a bunch of boobs navigating life as best we can.
I think we just all need to learn to revel in our individual awesomeness, and love and laugh with great abandon!
Thanks for being you!
I’m turning 50 this month, but I remember the decade of my 30’s as total hell. Five children, full-time job, lousy marriage. My first conscious thought every morning was, “I can’t do this any more.” I just kept on keeping on , and focused on finding joy in those seemingly few windows of opportunity. Still have the same children (plus grandchildren), job and marriage (which is no longer lousy), but life is so much easier. Age and perspective help, but, for me, making the positive choices even when I didn’t want to got me to this point. One of the things I’m proudest of during that time is that I never said “I hate you” to my husband’s face. That was a major accomplishment for me.
I’m posting again because I just realized something about myself, that I only kinda knew before. I feel like a fraud in my career. I’m moderately successful; I make good money, and I always get great feedback from managers. But I always wonder why they pay me this and when they’re going to figure out I’m not worth it. Is that a female thing? When I have a wave of that hit me, I work harder for a few days and try to produce more stuff.
Jenny a suggestion/question – I bet a lot of us here would love to respond and ‘converse’ with each other on this board. Lots of message boards accommodate that. You may have a reason for not opening it up, but I just figured I’d mention it.
You know, I’ve never really tried to figure out how many days a month I actually feel like I’ve accomplished something, but I would have to say that 3-4 days a month sounds pretty good. Mostly, I’m just treading water and trying not to swallow too much of the swamp around me too. Not that those around me constitute a swamp, more that I exude a swamp. What the hell am I talking about again?
DEFINITELY not just you. I’ve never really thought of it as how many days I feel successful, b/c most of the time just making it through my workday and not screaming at people (and therefore being fired) IS how I measure success. I think most of us are just making it through. It took several years to get the weepy, nobody-will-ever-love-me, I-am-such-a failure girl to shut the hell up. She still visits occasionally. It is hard to get over how you always thought your life SHOULD be: I thought I’d marry mid- to late-20’s and have several children. Instead, it turns out most of the men I have met would love to “find someone just like” me (but who is not actually me), and I’m 39, single and childless. And over the past few years, learning to be okay with that. But really, okay with myself is really the best I can claim on most days. Over-the-moon, squee-ing like a fangirl happy greatness only comes a few times a year, if that. But I try to laugh at something everyday, and that helps.
Hit in the head in a car accident…..caused serious brain injury….the brain and the pain caused major depression for years. I would literally lay on my floor, crawl around crying for about eight hours a day.
My husband and four children aged one to fourteen had no idea what to do with me!?!
Went to a therapist and eventually had to take antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Two things I learned which I would like to share are 1; if you are in physical pain your brain does not work! See a doctor, chiro, other, go to the gym or do yoga at home to keep your body strong…I also love fish oil for smooth brain function and yes…some vodka here and there! 2; most people who do not feel the love are “givers”…you may have kids, a husband or wife, work at a hospital or school, help old people carry their bags, walk someone across the street who needs a hand, stop to help with a map, ….I bet you know just what I mean….
well an image which worked for me…
You carry a backpack full of love around, it is very heavy because you have so much to give, it wears you out! You pass it out to your kids, the neighbour, your spouse, the old woman down the street, the boy in the wheelchair, your dad who is terminally ill, the guy with the map!…
Your backpack is empty! You are depressed! You don’t know your worth! You can’t take it anymore.
Relax! Relax more. You must now refill your backpack with love. If someone smiles at you, that is love..reach out and grab it, throw it in your pack. When your son hugs you, throw that love in there, when the tourist says merci, throw that love in, when the old man gently touches your hand grateful for your help understand that that is love and let your bag get heavy again.
And then don’t let it get empty again sometimes just grab a lil piece for yourself and relish it!
(Here is your first delivery….”hey you!i love you, yes you and I wish you a happy day!”)
Ouch. This one hurt. I do not remember having a day where I felt like I kicked ass. You are not alone.
We all have cracks and dirt and dust and ugly things going on inside and out – even those shiny PTA parents. Depression lies.
I’m sure one of your thousands of readers and fans has already offered this suggestion, but I figure I might as well toss it out there just in case someone hasn’t. Have you looked into amino acid therapy or nutritional therapy for your depression? I’ve read some pretty incredible stuff about amino acid therapy. Right now I’m reading about a million books at once, and one of them is called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. Good stuff.
/hugs – stay strong. You are stronger than you think or know.
I’m lucky — I feel okay most of the time, with only 2-5 days a month where I feel like a fraud whose failures as a man, as a husband, as an employee, and as a father are just not mentioned because people are too polite to bring it up. I know intellectually it’s not that bad, but it doesn’t change the way I feel during those times.
Anyone looking in from outside would think my life is pretty much perfect. From my perspective on your life, Jenny, YOU ROCK.
What a leigion of fans/friends you have.
I’m pretty sure you see that everyone feels the way you do sometimes. My personal philosophy that keeps me going is “ah, fuck ’em”
If I do the things I need to do to make me happy, fuck what “they” think. Be that dying my hair bright pink at 32 years old, or dancing in the rain like a child.
My second rule is the Two Choice Rule:
Can you fix/change/control what is upsetting you?
Yes- Do it,
No- Then let it go, why spend the time worrying?
I’m pretty sure it’s just a longer way of saying fuck it. Hope it helps! It’s saved me a thousand times over. It takes some practice, but you can do it!
What a leigion of fans/friends you have.
I’m pretty sure you see that everyone feels the way you do sometimes. My personal philosophy that keeps me going is “ah, fuck ’em”
If I do the things I need to do to make me happy, fuck what “they” think. Be that dying my hair bright pink at 32 years old, or dancing in the rain like a child.
My second rule is the Two Choice Rule:
Can you fix/change/control what is upsetting you?
Yes- Do it,
No- Then let it go, why spend the time worrying?
I’m pretty sure it’s just a longer way of saying fuck it. Hope it helps! It’s saved me a thousand times over. It takes some practice, but you can do it!
I’m no expert, but in my experience, almost everyone feels like you do almost all of the time. For realsies. I’m 33 years old, happily married with an 11mo baby. From the outside, I look so damned in control and on the ball, I know I disgust people. But I feel so fake most of the time because it’s all just a charade (or it seems that way to me). We got our power turned off a couple of months ago on a Friday evening… because I just straight-up forgot to pay the electric bill. And my husband was nice and not upset at all (OK, he just hid his upsetness really well) and the Centerpoint lady was super nice and turned our power right back on, but for God’s sake, how did I forget something that important??? It’s summer in south Texas and we have an infant! I was so ashamed (I still am), so of course I made my husband swear never to tell anyone. And so the charade continues.
You’re not alone. I feel like you do most of the time, too, but I’m learning to be nicer to myself and to look at things differently. Like, my son is so happy and he’s loved and well cared for (even if being well cared for means last minute runs to the store for formula I forgot to buy again). And my husband loves me and he’s so awesome that I must be pretty damn awesome, too, if he loves me that much.
Personally, I think you’re awesome and I love you even more because you’re open about your feelings and are really inspirational. Everyday you can tell yourself, “I have a whole community of people I’ve never met that love me.” Not many people can say that.
What you described is how I always feel. And honestly, I think more people feel like this then they let on. What helps me is to focus on my kids and my family. I have a 13 year-old son with severe anxiety and depression. Dealing with that is a full-time job and, for a while, made me feel like a failure as a parent…and made me depressed. But I couldn’t help him in that state, so I take meds, he takes meds and we hold on to each other. And when things get really bad, I say, over and over, “this too shall pass”. And it does.
Today I skipped breakfast, drank too much coffee and didn’t take my vitamins. Not good for someone who has MS so yeah, I totally understand where you’re coming from. And so does everyone here who left a comment. You are not alone in this. Please don’t take any more meds. At least try the natural solutions like cognitive therapy because you add another pill. You are an inspiration to so many women and writers so I hope you remember that during times you’re feeling shitty. I hope you’re feeling better. xx
On bad days, I use the mantra “we all grow up in spite of our parents.” Best parenting advice I ever received. I am one of those PTO moms. And I work. And I am a single parent. And I have that same negative voice that tries to tell me I am not good enough, 50% of the time. Which is a victory because it used to be a higher percentage. What I finally figured out is that every person is on their own journey and that my journey is truly my own business. No one else’s is mine, unless I am invited in. Don’t waste time comparing your journey to another one – you are always exactly where you are supposed to be, even if it feels like hell sometimes – and cut yourself some slack. I have yet to attend a funeral that disses someone for the constant lack of TP in the bathroom. And believe me, here in New England, where we torture toothpaste tubes to get the last drop out, it would have come up by now. Thank you for being you. Your honesty and courage give me hope!
Hey Jenny and others,
I just wanted to write a quick comment because I think one of the issues for parents with mental health issues or with partners with mental health issues is that they constantly wonder if “the kids are alright” and whether they are completely screwing up their kids because of the dark days and other issues that arise. I have a personal answer to that which is that despite having mental health issues you can be an awesome parent and by the sounds of it Jenny, you are and so are most of the rest of you I am sure.
My father has suffered from Bipolar 2 disorder for all of his adult life including misdiagnoses, incorrect medication, occasional hospitalization and thoughts of suicide. But despite all that he and my mom gave my brother and I the best childhood. They were loving, understanding and generous. Yes sometimes we took a back seat to the turmoil that an upward or downward spiral can bring to our lives but all it did was taught us that there are ways to get through even the toughest times and that perhaps we weren’t always going to be the centre of attention and that sometimes we had to wait to go somewhere, to do something, to be heard…
But through it all we felt safe and loved and we had more happy memories than sad. Most of my childhood friends will tell you that they envied me.
Now that I am a parent myself I daily hope I can measure up to the bar my parents set and do my best everyday. Luckily both my parents are still around and live close by and continue to contribute a lot of joy to our lives despite mental illness.
So forgive yourself your mistakes, do your best and know that the kids will be just fantastic!!
A hug for everyone,
Liz
Thanks for posting this and thanks to the commenters for all their wonderful support. By reading through the comments, I realize that I’m less alone then I thought. I have probably tops, 10 days a month where I feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. And that something may be only as simple as taking out the two weeks worth of garbage that’s piled up because I couldn’t be bothered to do it in the funk I was in. I struggle with bipolar, and it’s a bitch. I have really good days sometimes too. Those days are awesome, and I feel like I’ve gotten everything done that needed to get done, and I realize a big part of that is that I’m not comparing myself to other people on those days, because in my state of mind (hypomania) they don’t really matter too much.
I need to quit looking at other peoples lives (and so do you!) thinking that they’re doing better than I am because they LOOK together. Nobody knows what’s on the inside. Friends often think I’ve got my shit together because I’m working two jobs, getting ready to go back to college (for the third time in my 30 year old life – that’s a big reason I feel like a failure), and mostly pay my bills on time. I always look at them with wide eyes when they say something about it. I accept that they think that, but oftentimes have to say “Are you CRAZY? I barely hold it together.” because I don’t want them to feel the same way I do when I look at someone I think has it together. I don’t want them feeling that utter hopelessness that I’ll never be that way, that I’ll never accomplish anything real in life, that I’m a failure. No one deserves to feel like that, and I don’t want to to be the person who makes people feel like that. People might look at you and think you do, and you could give them that feeling. So the fact that you stepped up and wrote this makes us feel way less alone.
Okay, I got totally off topic. I should stop now before more of that happens. The real point was- we don’t know if they’ve really got their shit together anymore than most people know if we do. And this post was awesomesauce, because you helped bunches of people who feel that way everyday. thanks.
I admire your bravery in even writing this.
What’s most interesting to me in reading this post and the comments is all of the numbering and itemizing going on. I can honestly say that I’ve never added up the days in a month when I felt successful and when I didn’t. I’ve never gone to bed thinking “this day was a success!” or “this day was not a success!” This probably is part of the reason why I’ve never wanted to climb the corporate (or, in my case, nonprofit) ladder. Maybe I lack motivation.
But I guess I’m also lucky in that. I don’t worry about whether or not I’m a success in other people’s eyes. I think by the American definition, I’m not. But I honestly don’t care. I think if you want money or admiration, my way is not the way to that. But I think the majority of Americans would look at the “stats” of The Blogess and call you a HUGE success. I certainly would. I mean, you’re a published author, have a huge blog following, money, fame, you’ve helped LOTS of people, etc. But the fact that you’re a success by American standards doesn’t seem to be helping you.
I just don’t know.
It’s not just you. You verbalize so well what so many of us feel.
My goal is to take pleasure in at least one thing each day. Even if it’s just for a minute, I need that minute once a day. Maybe only 3-4 days a month seem like anything was worthwhile, but 3-4 minutes every day were.
Today I sat outside with a good book and listened to it rain. It was ten minutes. It smelled good. The rain made nice homey little splat sounds. I breathed. I chose not to think. I didn’t think about where my life was going, that I don’t have a plan, that I have a million things on my to-do list, that I might be falling in love with someone and I’m terrified he won’t feel the same, that I might decide NOT to buy a house, should I just keep renting? I’ll lose my deposit if I back out now. Maybe I should go back to school. I don’t want a bunch of student loans. I can’t visualize the future and so I feel like I can’t step into it. Anxiety, low level dread, fear of failure, feelings of not being worthy, of having no purpose. Lies, all of them. For ten minutes I sat and smelled and breathed the rain. That was what made today worth living.
I totally understand what your saying and feel the same to some degree but my stats are better – I think I’m ‘passing’ most of the time, 15 days a month plus. But to be clear, I don’t think I’m achieving any more or doing anything better than you are! It’s more about meeting achievable expectations of life – you have to be careful not to compare your ‘behind the scenes’ to others’ ‘final cut’ especially as a parent. It’s not that u need to do more or be better just be kind to yourself and believe ppl when they give compliments!
I very rarely feel like I’ve accomplished something worthwhile by the end of each day. In fact, most of the time, I feel exactly like you described – like I’m always fucking everything up, or that I’m not good at life. The reality is that no one is ‘good’ at life. The way I see it, we’re all just a bunch of awkward human limbs fumbling through this thing we call life, trying to be our best selves, day by day. When you think about it, even the most shiny, happy, perfect-seeming people feel like crap sometimes. As you mentioned, even our greatest role-models have fucked up major shit. The thing is that the people who are truly happy are the ones who take things one step at a time and are okay with the fact that they are human (and that they consequently fuck up major shit on a regular basis). Those are the people that are ‘good’ at life. They’re the ones who do what they need in order to be happy, who don’t take shit from other people, who are caring and thankful for what they have.
Sometimes it might not seem like you are a person who has everything figured out, or that you’re always messing everything up, but if you look at this blog and all of the weirdos you’ve managed to bring together across the globe . . . it’s fucking amazing. Just remember that you’re not alone. Because that’s what you do for us (your audience). You remind us that we’re not alone.
I hope I’ve at least somewhat successfully gotten across whatever it is that I’m trying to say. If not, just read this quote:
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher
Yep. I graduated first in my class, and after an unsuccessful career as a performer, I now stay home and fold my husband’s underwear while he goes to medical school. These days, I’m really working on understanding the difference between self-esteem and ego. It’s slow going. I feel you — figuratively, of course.
Quite often it’s a good week if I have actually showered, brushed my teeth, changed my PJ’s. Seriously, there are a few weeks a month that I do that. Why bother? I’m not going anywhere and no one is coming to see me. Very yucky! I have suffered from Depression, Anxiety, and other stuff for a very long time. I’ve been on every combo of medications, counseling, even went so far as to have ECT. Only thing I got from it was memory loss.
I just started something new. I have started going to a intensive outpatient therapy program. I’ve only been the one day for my assessment. But I go back tomorrow and then it will be 3 days a week, 9am-2pm. For the first time that I can remember (and I’m 48) I actually feel hope.
I’m disabled and have depression issues, too. I have 5-8 good whole days a month. But I try not to expect a whole good day; with my disability, I look for good sets of hours where I can do more than lie on the couch with the computer or a book. It took a really long time to learn to do what I can and let go of the rest. The combination of Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Seroquel is helping immensely with the depression and other psychological issues. My doc described Seroquel, which is label-prescribed for schizophrenia, as “glue” to stick my mental bits back together. It’s really done wonders. You’re not alone.
I think what you described is normal. In my experience anyway. My mum says “joy comes in moments” the rest of the time we’re all just trying to hang on to our sanity. We’re all pretty hard on ourselves too. I’m a stay at home mum with three kids aged 5, 3 and 18 months. I love them more than life but constantly worry that I’m screwing them up. I have some great friends who are also mums of little children and they make me feel better because they give me permission not to be perfect by sharing their imperfections and insecurities with me. Every girl needs a group of friends like that. There’s no judgement, just a lot of love, laughs, and understanding. I’ve had issues with postnatal depression since the birth of my second child. When I’m going through a bad patch I start telling people (my husband, my sister, my mum) “I’m feeling down” so they are aware and rally around, which is a great support. I also make myself get out of the house and spend time with the friends I mentioned above, that helps me too. Reading good books helps. Prayer helps me as well (I know not everybody is into that, but it’s a real part of my life that genuinely makes me feel better so I thought it worth mentioning). You sound very human to me. I think it’s true that pretty much everybody is struggling most of the time. Your honesty helps by giving other people permission to be equally honest and to show some solidarity and support to each other. Thank you for that.
Feeling like I’m faking it always happens when I try something new. Then, at some point, I seem to realize everyone else is bullshitting it, too. And then it gets better.
I remind remind myself, “Who am I to judge?”. As in, if I’m so wrong about everything, why would this be the ONE thing I’m right about? Maybe I’m NOT not-doing-it-right.
Have you ever thought about giving yourself as much room, graciousness and forgiveness as you give your daughter, Hailey? Or your husband, VIctor? What makes you so absolutely wonderful at piercing the pretense and idiocy of the world all of us live in is your ability to see, really see, people and situations as they are. And just having that gift (and yes, it is a gift) makes it incredibly difficult for you to participate in organized activities like PTA. I HATE PTA and picnics and group activities….and I don’t join them nor do I miss them.
Face it. You’re not “normal” and thank God for that! And most of the people who read your blog and your book aren’t “normal,” either. Choose to do what is important to you. If the dusty boxes bother you and you haven’t missed anything in them for a year or so, toss them or give them away! Don’t sweat the societal requirements that other people have and, for God’s sake, don’t think that people who are organized, post on Facebook, have Pinterest boards out the ass, are better than you are, smarter than you are. They aren’t.
That’s just their public face….and you can bet that behind those smart facades, there is pain and sorrow and fear. We all have it. We all live with it every bleeding day. You have the uncanny ability to pick out what hurts most and make it funny, make us laugh, help all of us to hang on in a world increasingly filled with anger, hate and disillusionment.
Hold on Blogess — give yourself a break! And when you feel it’s just too much, try this small but wonderful exercise from Thich Nhat Han – Breathing in, present moment. Breathing out, wonderful moment. Even when you’re in the worst possible place in your head or your heart — breathing reminds you that this moment, this one right here, right now, is the ONLY moment you have to live it, be in it, enjoy it.
Just wanted to let know I love you. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Always.
I feel like I spend most of my life playing catch-up. Or defense. I would pay cash money to be able to feel like I’m ahead. Or feel like I’m playing offense. I would love to be driven by action instead of reaction. I would love to plan to do something and then actually do it. Rather than see all the things that should be getting done but aren’t for some reason.
Every day I feel this way. Every day.
(That I had to scroll through over 3,500 responses – so many of which contain the words “I feel the same way” – just to find the comment box should tell us all something.)
I feel exactly the same way. I am a failure. I’ve accomplished nothing meaningful. And I also have dusty boxes from the move before last cluttering my house.
I work in the technology industry and my job requires me to be analytic and objective. It’s not my nature. My nature is emotional and artistic. (When I was growing up I wanted to be a writer.) I like to think that continually practicing objectivity at work makes me a better person, and helps me look more objectively at myself.
I try to apply that objectivity when looking at myself. By any objective measure, I am successful. I have overcome adversity. I managed to skip college – and college debt – and go directly to the workforce. I’ve helped my family financially. I’m well paid. My name is on patents. I am deluged by recruiters trying to offer me jobs. I own a lovely house. I’ve got a healthy savings account. I’m in good health and I’m physically fit. I’m even pretty good looking. I do awesome things like jump out of airplanes, race cars, ride motorcycles and vacation in exotic locales.
I must sound like a horrible ego-maniac.
But I write all these things down so I can read them and remind myself, “That’s me. I did those things. I’m pretty fucking awesome. I would so envy me.”
I know, objectively, that I’m pretty awesome. Someday I also hope to know what that feels like.
So it’s not just you. And thanks for sharing, because it helps to know it’s not just me.
It’s DEFINITELY not just you! I lay in bed thinking I should have eaten more vegetables today, I should have done more yoga this week. Or my favorite: what if my unborn child doesn’t like me? What if I give birth to a sociopath and I spend my 50s in hiding because everyone will be yelling “WHERE WERE THE PARENTS!?”
I spent so much time in therapy being told you can’t make yourself crazy on the unknown. So I settled for making myself insane on the knowns. And yes, we all know it isn’t healthy. But a few things I do to remind myself – these usually happen out loud somewhere public where I can look more crazy:
1) Shiny happy people are usually just shiny and unhappy. They also have junk drawers. Lots of them.
2) Comparing myself to shiny happy people makes me less happy. I should probably stop doing that.
3) What goes on in someone’s home is forever unknown to us. Those parents? Could be in debt up to their eyeballs, be sick with some chronic disease, be caring for an ailing parent of their own, have difficult children. You just never know so I have to remind myself of that or you know assign horrible things to people in my head. Completely awful.
As for myself, I think today I got up, fed myself and my pregnancy, told my husband I loved him and didn’t kill anyone on the way to work or at work. Everyone wins.
Hang in there. Know you aren’t alone and that we are all always always always looking at being better at life. It’s what makes us good people. 🙂
I come from a family of overly scheduled people. I have learned to lower my expectations for myself. I have also taught my loved one’s to lower their expectations of me.
Remember the sleep-shirt we gave you when you were in Edina, Minnesota (a suburb of Minneapolis)? The one that read –
Today’s Agenda
Sleep
Eat
Medicate
Repeat
In addition to ADD, I have memory problems. Any day I remember where the bathroom is that’s a good day.
I have been thinking about you all week. Perhaps your goal was to seek a solution or validation in something you struggle with, but in turn I believe you have ended up helping me and MANY other people with your blog post. Like you, I constantly felt behind in the game. I hit the ground running in the morning only to feel I am barely keeping my head above water. I SOOO admire you for at least having a goal! I don’t even know what I want to do when I grow up and I’m almost 50! Someday when the house is all clean, my 3 jobs are done and my kids are grown and gone I will have the time to figure out just what I want to do with my life. Until then, I feel what I do has little importance. I clean up after people. I have chosen to find joy out of simply knowing I made my bed this morning. I feel like I am a “doer”. I got something done and I feel good about it. If that’s the most I do all day to feel good about my accomplishments, then so be it. Other women are training for marathons, having their house cleaned and yard maintained, they are fulfilling their goals and looking prettier and skinnier than me doing it, but I have to celebrate the small stuff. I made my bed today. Yay me!
I’m one of those people you probably look at and think “damn, she’s got it all together”. I have a challenging career, my boss thinks I’m terrific, and I’m back in school to transition into another direction in my career. I have two amazing kids, one in college and another in high school. Both are smart, ambitious, creative, fun, happy and looking forward to their bright futures. I no longer am married to a cheating dickhead husband and am now with a man who is exciting, fun and couldn’t care less that at 51 I have bulges that aren’t muscles.
Sound’s terrific, no?
Every night I go to sleep and if I don’t force myself to stop, I think of all the things I left undone. Every time I look in the mirror I see the wrinkles, the wobs of fat, the slack skin around my jaw. Every time a friend is supportive I think “pity” instead of “love”. My house is never as clean as my mother-in-law’s, my kids are never as polite as their cousins, I never get enough exercise, I get annoyed at people who try to walk and text on a busy sidewalk (but maybe that one is okay).
I don’t have the magic answers. I try to take it down a notch whenever I can. Today is a bad day for a chronic problem I have, so even though I’m reading your blog, I’m at work and not home in bed. I’ll get something done, but it won’t be as much as I did yesterday. I’m trying to be okay with that.
Honey, you’re happily married. You are the excellent parent to a great kid. AND YOU ARE MAKING A GOOD LIVING AS A WRITER.
That’s what I tell myself every night when I go to bed, having ignored about half the stuff I should have done. Sometimes people act or talk as if I am one of the shiny folk. I am not shiny. My apparent sanity depends on three things: medication, triage, and reality checks like this one. You are so not alone.
Hi, Jenny…
I’d like to second what many people have said here: you are not alone. I feel the exact same way many days, and I also have anxiety disorder (although I think the word “disorder” is problematic in that it’s unforgiving and harsh, but what can ya do?). What’s helped me a lot lately is listening to “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle on CD. If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend getting a copy of it either in book or audio form, whichever you prefer.
I recently resigned from my desk job in order to pursue freelance writing, so you can imagine the excitement/paralyzing anxiety I’ve been feeling. I laugh at myself throughout every day all day just to keep my sanity (or insanity, depending on how you look at it. Most people seem vaguely unsettled when they see me chatting with myself). I assume you’re already good at laughing with yourself (at yourself is just mean, right?) considering your writing style, but it’s always a helpful reminder 😉 don’t take things too seriously.
I thoroughly enjoyed your first book, by the way, and I’m so glad I discovered your blog so that I can keep reading your genuine and relatable posts on daily life. Thank goodness someone else understands 🙂
I’m not posting this to tell you to do something, to change the way you think, or to add something to your to-do list (… I planned to complete the twenty one day “Change the way you think” challenge, and completed one day … Frankly, you don’t need something else to help measure your non-successes, probably.)
I just thought it defined the issue you were speaking about… an issue that we all feel but don’t often speak of. You are not alone, though I’m sure you have recognized that while reading some of the other three thousand odd comments. If nothing else, I hope it provides a scapegoat… it’s not you, its just the fucked up way we all are programmed to think.
Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work
http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work.html
I am grateful for the awareness you have created and the perceptions you are changing in the world of mental health. I am grateful for your sense of humor and that you have decided to share it with the world. Thank you.
It’s such a shame that it feels like social propriety dictates that we can’t talk about it!! Clearly there are thousands of us that have these feelings and also feel like we shouldn’t have them. I did hear a quote recently that has helped me. “Don’t judge your worst against somebody else’s best. We are all fighting battles behind closed doors.” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Well sweetie, I’m late to the party on this post (was in Las Vegas for a girl week) and am catching up. Welcome to my world. I take Effexor for depression. I guess it works ’cause I’m still here. I think there is maybe 2 days a month I claims as successes. I fuck up more stuff than you could on a good day. Of course, I’m 61 years old and have lotsa practice. If I wash my hair within two days of considering it; Success! If I manage to remember to eat a meal that day; Success! Baby steps, darling!
OK. You got me. 20 years on the web and my first (OK, maybe third) comment. And I’m not even trying to have sex with you. Much. Anyway, I live in NYC, and I could have gone to your book reading in NJ, to tell you you’re great, and funny, and smart, and observant, and not fucked up in any very meaningful way. But I didn’t, because, well, New Jersey. And cars and bridges and babysitting and everything else. But HAD I gone, I would have said that despite how you feel about yourself, your observations and skills and the fact that you are brave enough to share PROVE to the people that matter that you are very very special. How many people coin the word “arsonistic”? In the world? 1? 8? 100? Anyway, you are one of them, and numerically speaking that’s extremely badass. (I would have underlined “extremely” and bolded “badass”, but I’m too old to know anything about computers) Some of us fight battles every day that nobody knows about, except us and the little fuckers in our heads that tell us mean things a lot of the time. From what I see, you win more than you lose. So, that seems good. And, even though I get jealous of all your good funny honest work, please know that I think you’re great, and from somebody who feels like they were never loved and who has difficulty not believing he’s a fraud all of the time, the fact that I feel affection for you and your work means to me that your being breaks through the pain in my heart. Thanks.
I rarely comment, but your post spoke to me.
Days that I feel a success per month? 3-4
Days that I feel I just got by? 21
Days that I feel everyone around me would be better served if I stayed in bed and didn’t answer the phone or door? 5-7
Days per month that I am afraid someone is going to find out that I suck at my job and have no clue what I’m doing? 20
I think that adds up to more than a month, but you get the idea. 🙂
This is a little on the sad side, but I was in my 20s when my father was dying of cancer, and I remember him asking me what he had ever done to make a difference in the world. I remember being incredibly sad that he could even wonder such a thing, because he had lots of friends, everyone loved him, and he always lit up a room or was the life of the party. He was a kind man that really did have a tremendous impact on those around him.
I think it was after his death that I realized how skewed our own perception can be (or usually is) of the impact we have on people around us – our loved ones as well as people who can be relative strangers to us.
So, as I’m having those “bad days” I just try to keep in mind that I really have no clue if I’m being successful or unsuccessful, even on the “good days”, so I’m just going to do my best and keep on keepin’ on. And I try to remember to be kind to myself.
You are definitely not alone!
Just because you are a bit dead inside doesn’t mean you’re not the most real person I’ve met, online, in years!
I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. But 3-4 days a month feeling accomplished? Yeah that’s about right. I think that it’s human nature to always find fault with the things that you do. The shiny pretty people at school? They have their own concerns about themselves and are feeling unaccomplished also. At least I like to think so.
FYI: I stay at home with my children, I am not a writer or a volunteer for the PTA and I SWEAR my working parent friends always look more put together and it is a complete mystery to me. I always procrastinate on my daughter’s homework, and I have lived in my house for 8 YEARS and still have unpacked boxes that I manage to find. I look at it like a treasure hunt – surprise treasure in my house that I forgot about. (YAY I actually DO have a waffle maker!) I have had my electricity turned off because I forgot to pay the bill even though the date of the bill has never changed, and I run out of toilet paper all of the time, as well as toothpaste, to the constant disbelief of my husband, who says, “you were just at the store, why didn’t you pick this up, don’t you notice this because you use this every day? Please tell me that you do use this stuff every day”. Sometimes it is a huge accomplishment to manage to make it to the bank, and that’s fine; that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. The fact that I have managed to screw up on all of these things doesn’t mean that I’m a failure either. I’ve managed to birth and raise two young children and still stay married which is a pretty big deal, as have you. (Well, you only have the one but one is sometimes harder than two). Sometimes I even manage to do this with washed hair and clothes that are not sweats. You’ve reached thousands of people and helped them realize that they aren’t alone. I think everyone fails at something, probably every day, but the important thing is to try to remember to look at the big picture. I remind myself of that every night when I replay the things that I have screwed up on that day. It’s okay Jenny, you’re not alone. 🙂
What makes you awesome to me is that you love your daughter so fully. Wish I could say the same of my mother. Never change dear dear Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson
I feel like saying, it isn’t just you. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be better.
I have depression, very bad, but I have found meds that work really well for me. So while I relate, I also feel like now that I’m properly medicated, the ‘good days’ are more like 3 or 4 each week. And sometimes, you know, I don’t even do that much to deserve the label ‘good day’ but I’m happy with my small achievement, and that’s all that matters. Like, hey, I was a good human and listened to my friends problems today. Or, I baked a cake. Or, I finally read that chapter of that text book and it only took me an hour and I wasted the other 23 but that one hour was pretty damn good.
I think it’s kind of more about how you see achievements and what you define as accomplishments that help you to feel better about yourself. No one is off doing amazing things every day. You have to celebrate the little victories.
Just so we are clear, I do not have a big head, and I would never say this out loud except to address some of your comments! I’m on the PTO, and I always look put together and my kids are beautiful. I live in constant fear of having a play date at my house. My house is a wreck! 4 kids in 5 years will do that to a person! I always want to see people and get to know them, but I’m terrified that I not only live in, but RUN the “messy house”! You know the crazy house in the neighborhood that you don’t really want your kids to go to because it’s so nasty inside! In my head my house is disgusting and I hate having people over because I fear it will show them how nasty I really am and that I’m not anything but a messy! And “they” will hate me forever. I feel less than! I try my best to recognize that whereas my house is messy, it is not dirty, but I live in constant fear, and sometimes it gets soooo bad that I sit in bed and watch “Hart of Dixie” reruns, because Wade is HOTTTT!!!! —and that’s what you do when you are overwhelmed by your messy house.
Also, my kids do not get washed enough! I know they should shower….more, but it’s so hard to get everything done in a day!
I know I suck!! Luckily I have friends who know I do not suck! Sometimes I invite them when my house is the messiest, just so that I can see the rejection in their eyes! But I never see it! They love me, and their love helps me to love myself!
Good luck! (I hope this helps)
A random guy’s recommendations:
1) Stop worrying about what others/society thinks about you or how they expect you to behave, perform, etc. That frees up a TREMENDOUS amount of angst, guilt, fear, shame, stress, …
2) Take the long view. Do the things that are important, but never forget the mantra “in 100 years, who will really care about XYZ”.
3) I HIGHLY recommend “The Happiness Trap” to those that express the issues you do (i.e. most people). It addresses the VERY important thing you said “I want to BE better” (emphasis mine). That is SOOO much more important than “I want to always FEEL happy”, which I believe and the book proposes, is an unreachable goal!!
4) Speaking of BEING better, here are my Rules to Live By, which have been developed over the years to help me deal with many of the issues you express in this wonderful blog. They can give you reminders to help focus on important things, but don’t stress out about them (see #3 above)!
Spend quality time with family and friends
Focus on work when working
Do what needs to be done
Minimize distractions
Exercise with intent
Make good sleep a priority
Eat healthily
Hi,
I want to jump right into this right away before I forget…I read your blog last night for the first time after finishing your book yesterday and I had several thoughts… and let me just prerequisite it with this…
I am a therapist…
I’m just as fucked up as everyone else…
I only have about 5 good days a month…but I had more the past 2 weeks because I was reading your book and it made me laugh a lot and not feel like I’m the only weirdo out there (no offense)… laughing is very good therapy – I’m going to assign clients your book to read….
I don’t feel so guilty about having the stuffed frog with his hands nailed to a guitar and setting it next to where the real frogs sit in my pond…
You mentioned that you are getting Cognitive therapy. CT is all about changing your thoughts and reframing your situations to be more positive (this is the simple definition because I am a simple person). Anyhoo, this might not be the best type of therapy approach for you because your self-depreciating thoughts and negative spin on things are precisely what makes your writing so appealing…refreshing really! You could be working against yourself if you are trying to not think about things negatively but still write in the same style…it’s a conundrum (? I’ve probably spelled at least 4 words wrong – hey, I’m not a writer).
So that’s it…that’s all I got for now…If I was a really good therapist I would have suggestion some options, but this would require some thought and I’m very lazy…
But if you do read this and you want me to give you some – I will…
Anyway, without being to sappy…your writing makes a lot of people happy!
Rachel
You are not alone. I don’t have anxiety OR depression. I am just a regular schmo who has a lot going for her and feels like a failure 9 days a week. I feel like I am constantly not living up to my potential, what ever the fuck that was supposed to be. I do go to work every day, but I spend time not working (reading blogs (like yours)) and am not as productive as I *could* be. I justify it by saying that I am not a smoker so I am not leaving my desk for 4 minutes each hour… right?
I don’t regret the choices I have made, I just wish sometimes it felt a little more “shiny”. So you are not alone. And it isn’t even something you can chalk up to your neurosis.
I completely identify with this post.
Some might consider my career a success. I just think of all the time I spend on the internet while I’m there.
My house is a horrible, horrible state of mess & gunk
My car looks the same as it did as when I was in college 15 yrs ago. Messy, full of fast food wrappers and random shite.
I have 2-3 days a month where I’m wacking all the shit I have to do out of the park.
The rest of the time, I’m glad at the end of the day that at least I fed the dogs as I curly up in my horribly unmade bed and wish my life was different, somehow.
I’m also mentally ill, bipolar, so I wonder if people who aren’t function better. I honestly don’t know.
Jenny I think we all feel exactly the same. Mental disease or not!!! We are always labeling ourselves. Some day the label machine spits out wonderful things and sometimes they are horrible labels. I know you don’t like the Christian slogan ” I am perfect in God’s eyes. I am not perfect soooo how about I invite you to my church (from the comfort of your couch) this church DOESN’T allow perfect people it just wants you to Experience life. Go to Experiencelifenow.com and check it out. I say it’s worth the try. By the way I think you are awesome in your own WEIRD way
Thank you for being transparent. Clearly I fail too. I mean…I couldn’t even keep on reading blogs. Epic!
I don’t have a whole lot of days when I feel successful. When I check my tiny little blog and a couple of random strangers post comments, I feel like I’m being heard and it’s kinda nice. When one of my kids call me just to say hi, I feel like maybe I’m a good mom. My husband likes me most of the time. My dog likes me all of the time, but he doesn’t count because if I didn’t feed him, he probably wouldn’t give a shit if I lived or died (he is great blog fodder though.) I guess sometimes I want to be better too, but then, sometimes I am better and that makes me happy. You’re better than you think, but you know that. Once in a while I have to concentrate really hard on the glass being half full but in reality I’m mostly just pretty happy to have a glass at all.
I don’t have a whole lot of days that I feel successful. When I look at my tiny blog and see a couple of comments from random people, I feel like I’m being heard and that’s nice. When my kids call me just to say hi, I feel like maybe I’m a good mom. My husband likes me most of the time. My dog likes me all of the time, but he doesn’t count. If I didn’t feed him, he could care less if I lived or died a horrible death (plus, he may be sick of being blog fodder.) Mostly, when my life is being stupid, it’s my own fault…but not always. The trick is to discern when I can fix/change it and when to say “fuck it”. I think you’re better than you think, but you know that. I have to really concentrate on the glass being half full, but mostly I’m just happy I have a glass.
As you know by now, you are not alone. I’m not sure that I have enough productive days to feel like I can tally them by month. Most days feel like I’m muddling through and posing as a relatively well-functioning adult. [key word = posing] Some days the success is purely that I’ve made it. I have nothing more to show for the day other than the fact that I’m still breathing and that has to be counted as a ‘win.’ What gets me through: when I realize that everyone else is pretending too. The best of my rough days are when I can envision us all as big kids who mostly don’t realize that we are just pretending at whatever it is we do. I like this perspective because it makes me remember that we all take ourselves a little too seriously, it reintroduces play into our adult lives, it takes me out of the silo of my head into seeing/sensing the world and people around me, and it makes me feel loss awful about being a poser. Something else I’m trying but haven’t yet been successful with: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It’s a book about Buddhist perspective, focusing on freeing ourselves from judgement in order to experience the joy that is our birthright by simply accepting that everything is what it is. Doubled edged sword: on the one hand, it offers freedom; on the other, it’s another thing at which I’m not succeeding. Hope this is helpful. I do believe we are all in this together. You are not alone. Thanks for all you add to this world. Thanks too for the belly laughs you have given me – they are priceless. You are priceless. Each of us is priceless.
Read this recently and I think it sums it up pretty well for most of us:
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
Those plastic pastel people you’re talking about don’t have it all together either. No one does. Everyone has moments (or days, or years) of self-doubt. I guess the thing that always helps me refocus is assessing what my idea of success is. It’s being a good daughter, a good sister, a good wife and reflecting Jesus. It’s hard to keep my focus on that sometimes because I’m extremely driven and career-oriented, but I have to remind myself almost daily that those are my real goals, and everything else is bonus. That doesn’t mean nothing else matters; it means I don’t measure myself by things like career success and how much I make. My worth doesn’t come from that. If I spend a whole saturday watching shit TV and cuddling with my basset hound when I ought to be hacking away at that book, it doesn’t mean I’m barely worthy of existing. It just means I’m human. Don’t hate me for quoting a bible verse on your comments, but this does help me gain perspective. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation – rejoice in the Lord always.”
This pretty much sums up exactly how i feel. Most days, like 20-25 days a month, I feel like I am also just barely existing, and ONLY doing the things that I need to just to get through the day. (And laundry, cooking, cleaning, and sometimes even going to work aren’t some of them). It makes me feel like an awful mom and an awful wife. More so an awful wife, becuase I manage to do whatever need be to take care of my daughter, except I’m not a good enough mother (although, I know I am, but like you, I want to be better), to do extra curricular things with her. I find myself telling her “later” or “another day” or “not now” or “go play outside” way more than i should, and I most times will just sit on the couch, go to bed extremely early, and just do whatever i can that’s completely mind numbing, and it makes me not think about all the stress i bring on myself. I know i’m doing fine, and my husband thinks i’m wonderful (no idea why). And i agree, I can’t take a compliment. If someone compliments me, i immediately say something negative about it. “i like your hair!” me: “oh it looks awful, i have roots and need a hair cut so bad” “i love that shirt!” me: “oh it’s old, it’s basically just one of the three shirts i have that i wear to work”…so yeah. I totally get every last word you said. And im on medications to help, and know that i need to do other things (like get to the gym, yeah..okay, i’ll do that after the five thousand other things on my list of things to do. And to top it off, i signed myself up to be the Girl scout troop leader mom. I’m clearly fucking insane, because as a kid, i hated girl scouts. Stupid ass girls. But I’d prefer my daughter to not be me. So, girl scouts it is. I hope this helped to know there’s someone else that read that, and felt like you were describing me.
We’re under a lot of pressure to always be accomplishing something, something more, better, etc. When I feel like this, I try to remind myself that our society is stupid not to value just existing. We don’t relax enough. We don’t do enough for ourselves. We don’t take enough days with an ounce of silliness, a teaspoon of irreverence, and a pinch of I-eff-up-oh-well. We’re all supposed to be such perfect, productive, accomplished, people all the time.
I try to remind myself that no one is keeping score, and if they are, they aren’t doing it by days. I have made a bunch of beautiful art. You published a book. We must have a high score in the game of life, right?
When it gets past those things, I really hate the things that I think, and even worse, say. I can’t even talk about it without feeling extremely whiny. I do still talk and write about it, though.
I still feel guilty. I feel like I should be happier existing as a square peg in a world of round holes. I’m beautifully unique. This is another way of saying I’m constantly feeling like the only one that isn’t on the same page, or maybe brought the wrong text book to class.
How often do I feel this way? Every day. It’s only a matter of how loud this voice is. I’m not on meds either. It’s just a normal part of my internal dialogue.
I’m sorry for being late to this meeting. I don’t want to make light of mental illness – please don’t read this the wrong way – but I’m grateful each day because I don’t suffer from a mental illness. I try to understand mental illness – as much as an outsider can – so I can help friends and family who are suffering. My heart aches because it all seems so overwhelming, deep, visceral, and scary. It’s pain – and I am sad that Jenny and any of you lovely people carry these burdens.
The bit of perspective I want to bring to this table is that life is hard for anyone who is interested getting through it with even a semblance of integrity – and to that end, what you see/read about other people being so awesome at things (social media, bloggers, etc) are mostly lies. I cannot imagine how much harder these lies are to anyone with mental illness, because it’s already a daily challenge to sort through truth and lie. But I’m here to tell you that people frequently lie about their awesome lives and those who aren’t being blatantly deceptive are, instead, just hiding what is real.
What is real is that most people have huge amounts of worry, fear, regret, sadness, and shame that piles up and compounds over time. What a joy it must be to be vapid and shallow, right? I’m SO fortunate that I can sort through the lies and ignore the noise. But I’m still human and have moments of weakness. I want to cry in my office when I read that my former college friends are being awesome SAHMs, doing tons of neat pinterest projects, taking awesome vacations, posting cute pictures of their children doing cute things, losing weight with herbs or something stupid (didn’t read that post very closely), busy being successful doctors, or running marathons (fucking marathon. Are you joking? RUNNING for a reason other than being chased by a bear. Asinine).
I’m not trying to say “suck it up” or “everyone has it bad” – the message I want to convey is that the bitch of the internet is that we now have infinitely more ways to measure ourselves, but the measurements are skewed. The standards are lies. The reality is that even people who give the appearance of having their shit together suck at life about as much (and possibly more) as the next person – and there is no shame in that.
I’m reminded of a from the Desiderata: “be gentle with yourself”. It’s not just you. We are all children of the universe.
One time my daughter (who was then 16 mos but is now 11 years old) had pneumonia for 5 days and I thought she had the flu. My son broke his arm at football 3 years ago and I made him do his homework before we went to the ER. I have 2 boxes of my grandmother’s things that were shipped to me shortly after she died…..in 1998. I’ve never opened them.
I’m not mentally ill….I’m just deficient. And I think that’s okay.
My friend turned me on to your blog years ago and am now a huge fan, first time writing you. I am 40 yrs old and suffer from depression and anxiety since childhood. 2 years ago I knew I was at my breaking point and told my psychiatrist I can’t live like this anymore. He was able to get me into see the lead Dr at UCLA mood disorder clinic. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am currently in DBT therapy and Lamictal was also added to my already handful of meds. My one complaint recently is similar to yours…I do not feel productive. My lack of motivation makes me feel like a waste in space. For example in DBT we would use the skill “Don’t Judge” when you were writing the statements “I have to take a shitload of drugs so that I am normal” and “This year I lost 42 pounds, but I’m still really overweight.” I’m learning better not to judge myself, having “radical acceptance” for the way I am and “being effecting and using wise mind” in all situations possible. The last thing I want to talk about with my friends/family is me anymore. I love to get “out of my head” and get lost in stories about them and updates in their lives. I wish you the best and thanks for being so truthful and making me feel so not alone.
Just about everyone feels this way at some point, which I’m sure, is the gist of most of these three thousand comments. Songs that help me are “Home” by Phillip Phillips, “Unwell” by Matchbox 20, and “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey. The first two basically prove that you’re not the only one that has these thoughts. The last one is fun and upbeat and kinda screamy—and that’s just fun to sing along with at the top of your lungs. Music makes everything better.
I’ve felt like that most of my life–3-4 good days a month–but then I did a fuckload of therapy and now it’s flopped, maybe 3-4 shitty days a month. It helps once you realize life is basically bullshit and everyone sucks at it. Also, I stopped taking myself and life so seriously and allowed myself to have fun.
I feel successful maybe 5-7 days out of the month. Ironically, I came through some heavy shit in my first 26 years and now at 31, I am finishing up my last year of pharmacy school and will graduate with my doctorate in May. Which is pretty amazing when my whole life is put into perspective; I could have followed a VERY different path. Many people believe I am successful, but I continue to feel inadequate. Compliments and kind gestures make me uncomfortable and they make me feel guilty and gives me anxiety. It makes me feel like I do not do enough for others. I feel most successful when I cook, bake, and clean. It’s the mundane things that allow me to clearly see my accomplishments. Those things make me feel more powerful and bad ass.
WOW. I have never put those feelings into words before. Even though I edited and deleted half of my original thoughts, that was still liberating.
It’s ridiculous how much I feel like you do. The shiny lives of people that I see makes me feel even worse.
I think I feel kickass a few days of the month. Sometimes it’s not even a proper day just a few hours a week when I feel in control, and on top and happy. Normally it’s anxiety and consistent feeling of failure. I think I’m bad at my job, that I’m a bad mom and a bad wife and daughter. It’s awful. I suppose it’s what keep us moving forward, if we felt kickass all the time we’d get lazy…. maybe?
One thing that really helped me cope is to talk more with those people whose lives are “shiny”. I love it because you can see the cracks. Where there is no cracks there is mind-numbing boredom. I love talking to these types because right after I realize how much I can’t stand to think to be like them.
My song of choice for this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ9Bv99wo-E
Just finished your book, and… yeah, I believe you have more to say. It was great, I loved it, and I can tell there is more in you.
The answer is 4. Four days when I feel, at the end of the day “Yup. I got stuff done, and it was good.”
You are not alone. And only person (if you are a Christian) was ever perfect. So if you notice people who are all perfect – you know, thin, good hair, lip gloss, tidy house, car, lawn… you have to know that what is IMperfect about them is inside. And it’s probably not pretty. So don’t think they have one thing over on you. They probably look at you and say “She’s so cool, so relaxed, so easy….” Well, they MIGHT be saying that! You’re young, you don’t know!
Well, I just found out that something terrible is happening for my …I can’t say who and I spent all night in an emergency room after she I can’t say what…and I found out several of my relatives have some kind of similar problem as a result and I’ve been crying all week, every day even though I had finally reached the first damn time in my life where I feel whole and not fragmented anymore…as a past sufferer of PTSD and depression and a number of physical ailments…auto-immune crap and the like…And it is so fucking unfair. I am trying not to blame myself and I know it isn’t my fault, but I still feel horrible. So I started going back to therapy and I need more EMDR and such to help me through this. And I know I am doing all the right things, but it’s still a nightmare I keep hoping I will wake from any moment. Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that NO…It isn’t you. No one talks about it. And everyone should. There is no reason why we should all feel so isolated and alone and scared all the fucking time. I am glad I can call my family and some friends, but society doesn’t seem to always get it because I am the one that feels like a failure even though I know it’s not my fault. I hope you feel some relief soon Jenny. And I hope I do too. And I hope everyone else does. I have so much love in my heart and I just want everyone in my life to be ok for once. It isn’t fair.
(I’m sending you such love. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It will get better in time. ~ Jenny)
So I almost didn’t respond to this post because I had to scroll down the page too far. That’s how lazy I am… and clearly I don’t read blog feeds every day… cause I am trying to kick ass to finish my own shit or I am blocking out the world and getting caught up on Dr Who episodes. But when I read your post this morning (many days late) I thought maybe you finally needed to hear from me. In the past I really felt like my comments could probably be of no use to you whatsoever. But today I changed my mind.
I do not suffer from depression the way you do. I go out in public all the time and speak in front of crowds and everything is fine. I own two successful companies. I am a three time self published author (not something anyone would have read), a wife, a mother of three teenage sons and a ridiculously charitable person. I have been the PTA mom, the President and/or board member of endless organizations, the perfect cooking/baking/crafting mom. I have been there and done that and I am here to tell you that there is NO T-SHIRT (probably because I didn’t think about making my own and putting them on a site like you did… not that I could have worn them anyway because it would have been inappropriate).
The world is designed to make you feel like shit. It’s designed to make you feel like you aren’t good enough, you aren’t doing enough and you aren’t being enough. It never mattered how much of my time I was spending doing charitable things… the charities always wanted more. The PTA (and all the jerky parents that demanded of the PTA) always wanted more. The church (the place you are supposed to go for strength) always wanted more. I found out no one was doing more or accomplishing more than me but I always felt lazy and just pushed myself to do more, bake more, be there more… IT’S A TRAP.
BTW… my companies are doing well, my children are kick ass awesome and we are happy… but my house is a wreck (seriously I could never have people here). There is laundry everywhere and most of it is dirty. We even took it all to the cleaners to wash it a month or so ago… and it’s all dirty again. My sink is always filled with dishes. My refrigerators (yes multiple cause I have sons with endless pits for stomachs) are full of disgusting science experiments. My cleaning lady quit. My dogs are thumbless assholes that leave their hair everywhere and lounge on my furniture. My desk is a complete mess and I have piles of books everywhere with no place to store them. I am constantly behind on my deadlines. I dropped out of a show in a couple of months because I have been working on 5 different books for the last year and can’t get any of them completed (probably because I am running in 30 different directions on any given day).
My point is… the world lies. Pinterest lies… those women who make that cool shit have dirty hair and haven’t gotten out of yoga pants in 3 months. Facebook lies… those pictures are all photoshopped… sometimes even the smiles. Those perfect moms who join the PTA and love it… they do that because they don’t have a hobby or career… their thing is the PTA. My point is… don’t let the world that you can see online make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t buy into that bullshit. The world is not perfect. Nobody has enough money or enough free time. No one is that disciplined all the time. No one feels like they are awesome every day. I spend 6 months not writing anything and then spend 4 weeks straight in my studio writing books and patterns and making quilts and I emerge with something complete… and then spend the next 5 days under the covers watching tv… cause that kind of shit isn’t fair for any human it’s like giving birth. I need rest. I imagine it can be completely paralyzing to suffer the way you do and I would hate to see you compare yourself to the “shiny outer layer” of people. You shouldn’t compare yourself to other’s anyway… but if you are… make it fair on yourself and peak inside to see the real grit. Being all things to all people makes me an ugly, resentful person. Being everything to my husband and kids makes me feel awesome and they love me enough to know that I can’t be like that every day… but I am when it counts.
So you curl up under some covers and watch Little House episodes with your daughter and tell the rest of the world to F-off. You are fine. I know that you struggle with some inner demons but you WILL figure it out… and you will write something else… which I (and the other 3500+ people that commented on this post) will read. We will all think you are kick ass. You don’t need to feel that you have to step out of your box and be something else to feel successful. Everyone has their talents and they are all important. Your talent is being hilarious, finding the coolest most ridiculous taxidermy that I have ever seen and showing people that even talented people struggle. I need you to be you. Your family needs you to be you. You don’t need to be anybody but you.
In the words of Dr Who… I just want to tell you… you were great… and you know what… so was I.
I choose to believe that the people the the “pastel lives” are just better at hiding their fucked up shit.
You are not alone!!!
Over 3500 comments. Feel the love.
I’ll start off by saying that I don’t give praise unless it’s due, so you don’t have to worry about it being fake praise. I’m putting myself out there under my name and business link, but I don’t care because it might help you. I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, although I don’t comment much. A wonderful priest once told me that we are put on this earth to help people. He said that even if someone who is bedridden and a vegetable can touch lives, then that is a measure of success.
There were times when nothing could calm me down except your blog. After I was divorced, I kept my dream home for 7 years on my own and I thought the stress of paying a monster mortgage would put me in the grave. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep because my nerves were shot. In the middle of the night, I would go through your archives and reread your old entries to make me laugh. When my kids learned how to drive and went out with their friends, I was a mess. Every siren would make me jump. I’d go through your archives and it would calm me down until the kids came home. When my daughter went away to college and I was a mess-your archives. When my youngest went away to college and I was a worse mess-your archives. When my oldest was going to make me a grandmother and his girlfriend was in labor-your archives. All the times you looked at your stats and saw that someone was in your archives in the middle of the night…that was probably me. Raising three kids as a single mother was stressful.
It doesn’t matter that you haven’t cleaned your garage, or mopped the floor, or stayed in bed all day. You typed. The simple action of typing helps people all over the world. You helped more people by typing than the PTA mother did by organizing the fall harvest cupcake sale. Helping people is more important than a clean garage or styling your hair. My favorite verse in the bible came from Jesus when he said “Whatsoever you do for the least of my brothers, you do for me.” You’re not failing. You’re winning. You help people all the time, even when you don’t realize it. Change your definition of what a loser is. Some of the richest or most active people are losers if their hearts are black.
You’re not just existing. You are living. You have a very important job and you are doing very well with it. You have been given unique gifts, and you are using them for the most important thing in life, which is to help people. I don’t think you realize how unique your gifts are that you were given, or that you are using them wisely, or that you are very successful at it. The problem is that you are looking for the norm in the productivity department. But that’s not what you are on this earth for. Accept what you were given and embrace them. Forget about what you can’t do.
believe me, you are NOT alone. I have severe Anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder and I’m Sensory Defensive [basically Autism without any of the major social issues]. I’m Ok during the Spring and Autumn but during Winter and Summer I have more panic attacks than usual and it total sucks, especially during night when I’m afraid to go to sleep. Winter is when my Seasonal Affective Disorder goes into overdrive and during the summer I keep having flashbacks to when my meds were being changed that caused me to have blackouts and withdrawl. And I understand when you say that you feel like an imposter, I’ve had seasonal jobs working in Retail and I had to force myself to act like a totally normal, outgoing person who loves being around people. It was basically an acting job.
Sorry if I’m rambeling on too much but I have found ways to cope. For example if I have a panic attack during the night I would pile on as many blankets and thick clothes on me as possible and the heat from it calms me down, and to help out with my Seasonal Affective Disorder I take a ton of Vitamin D since the cause of Seasonal Affective Disorder is caused by the lack of sun and thus Vitamin D isn’t being produced.
I can’t tell you enough how much I love your blog and how honest you are, it shows that you have balls and not a lot of people are able to put it all out on the table like you do. You are an inspiratition to others, including myself. You are totally awesome!!!
Oh man.. if you’re a loser, wtf does that make me?! Lots of people fuck shit up a lot worse than you do. I’ll be the first to put my hand up and take a bow. Keep on keepin’ on. Your 2963768744 fans don’t think you suck.
OMG you are not alone! If I get 3-4 days of feeling good and productive and, well, just good about myself I’m having a really good month. I’m overweight, my house is a fraking disaster, my desks at home and at work are somewhere under piles of paper. I’m a PTA outcast (I once got the “oh, we’d LOVE to have your help with the 4th grade moving on! We meet on Thursdays at 1:00. Oh, you work? That’s too bad…” and I’ve never been back). I have great intentions and a plethora of unfinished projects.
But, my kid is awesome, and she seems to like me (which I consider HUGE since she is about to turn 14). I’m not the most popular, but I do have true, good friends, even though I’m terrible at keeping in touch. My husband and I still enjoy each others company after a whole lot of years together. My cat really loves me (the other one just likes me a lot, but I think that’s mostly because I’m food lady).
Keep doing your thing. If the book comes, it comes, if not, then you’ll find another creative outlet I’m sure. By just voicing your fears and doubts and strategies for dealing with them you’re helping people. And you’re letting us know that we’re not alone.
When I get down about my lack of creativity I watch this TED talk. I know it’s corny and honestly her book is not as good as yours. But there is something in what she is saying. It kicks me in the pants every time. http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
You are not alone. I think that I feel “real” only 2-3 days and even then I am struck with guilt that I feel good. The little voice in my head says that it is being prideful when I do (and if you are thinking that I am fucked up by religion, ding ding ding!! You win the prize). Most of the time, I’m questioning why…what is wrong with me, why don’t people like me, why don’t I like me, etc. I want it to stop and I want to forgive myself…but the guilt is overwhelming, even thought there is a small part of me that knows my thinking is crazy, it still is the part that gets listened to the least. Thank you for giving those of us with dominating inner voices a chance to support each other. We all need it.
I am so with u on the whole feeling like a failure because I don’t own picnic baskets and I can’t tell u how many times my electric has been turned off because I forgot to pay it. Shit happens! U r not alone. I have 4 children so usually they are my errands that’s all I do lol.
I know there’s a lot of comments and you may not see this. I thought I’d leave this link for you here. It’s called “The Forge: For Anybody Hurting.”
My favorite quote from it:
“If you look at it right, even hell can be pretty.”
It’s an important message that I think we all should listen to. It’s hard. It gets harder. We all go through bad things. We all get knocked down. But that’s its job. We are being forged into something stronger, something that can take the hits, something that can hit back.
Keep fighting.
I have bookmarked the song. It will help on those days when “Crazy in the Night” by Kim Carnes just doesn’t cut it anymore.
It’s probably only 5-7 nights (and they are always nights) a month that are the worst. The rest, between work, the 13yo spawn, more work, friends, life and an inordinate amount of red wine, are cope-able. Just.
Keeping the demons at bay, one day at a time.
What makes me feel the best, the most successful, is making someone else happy. There are few feelings that are better than having someone tell me that I’ve made their day or seeing pure joy on someones face because of something I’ve done for them.
I think this is doubly hard for writers who deal with anxiety, because so much of what we do relies on self-motivation and confidence that what we’re putting out there is good. I struggle with this a lot, too, and it makes me second guess everything I want to write about. I’ll write half a post and think “this isn’t funny at all” or “I can’t go anywhere with this” and scrap the whole thing. As a result I publish a lot less than I should, and I don’t think my blog is taking off as much as it could. Basically it’s just one huge fucked up cycle that makes me feel like a failure.
I know you didn’t want compliments, but I can’t help saying that as a young female writer, you’re very inspirational to me. You’re on of the main reasons I even had the courage to start a blog. Thank you for that.
Except for the kids part, this describes my life perfectly. So if it’s not normal, at least we’re not alone.
I’ve had… two (maybe) good days this month, so far. This summer was weird, and I had one or two good days a week, but normally, it’s a good month if I get one a month.
Before my hysterectomy? 4-5 good days a month. After my hysterectomy (kept ovaries)? 24-25 good days a month. Who knew chronic anemia could destroy mental health and lead to chronic depression and anxiety? My surgery was just a few months ago, so I don’t know if this will be long term. All I know is for the first time in YEARS I feel good almost every day. It honestly scared me that I was switching from depression to bipolar disorder. It took my bff talking me down out of the trees, saying that feeling good most days was normal.
Good luck in your search. I’ve concluded everybody’s journey through depression is different. My solution was major surgery. Other solutions are different kinds of therapies. I wish you (and all who suffer) well. Depression and anxiety suck.
I feel like a successful person maybe once a week. I feel like I need to be changing something in my life, but I don’t know what it is, so I’m chasing my tail in this ‘do something do something oh but what oh god’ sort of motion. I can stop and accomplish things like cleaning something or working on my cross stitching project or do something like hanging out with friends and that’s awesome and makes me feel like a person. Then it’s back to the tail chasing. I’m feeling particularly unsuccessful today because I want to go hide away under some blankets, but it will get better. I’m seeing friends today, and they always help. I keep telling myself that the tail chasing will pass, and I’ll figure out what needs to be changed. It will end up being true. I refuse to believe anything else.
Also, thank you for your blog.
Hi, Jenny – I see a bazillion comments here and I don’t want to read any of them – I just want to speak directly to YOU. I don’t read your blog – frankly, it’s out of sheer envy and love for all you do, and the fact that you have published a book and I haven’t (yet) – but this came to me via a friend and I read it and I feel for you. I no longer struggle in the way you’re describing and I’m fortunate that my body chose to be wired in a way that doesn’t require drugs to make me feel better (with exceptions for bouts of anxiety in my late 20s and post-partum depression). But I want to say this: you are perfect just as you are. You are doing exactly what you’re supposed to do. You are being exactly who you are supposed to be. You have within you the same spark of energy that stars are made of. And you are the only *you* that’s ever been, that will ever be. You can’t fuck that up, because every moment, you are you. And I’d say that’s a fucking success, because here I am and I don’t even know you and you have made a big difference in my life by being honest. Thank you. xo
(And now I’m crying. Thank you. ~ Jenny)
I feel the same way. The only thing I’ve found that helps is roller derby. It teaches me that I am stronger than I think. I fall down a lot, but I ALWAYS get back up again. That gives me hope, and the desire to get back up in other areas of my life. Give Derby a try, it may just save your soul! Love,
~Slamity Jane~
Wow! That’s a LOT of comments! Me? Once a week, maybe twice if I clean the bathrooms. I should probably be medicated for anxiety and ADD, because I run in circles and can never get anything done and worry about not getting anything done and worry about worrying about not getting anything done. It sucks. My house is a disaster ALL THE TIME. Seriously, when I go on a crazy cleaning spree the kids ask who is coming over. :/ It takes me forever to clean because I start one job, see another and start that and nothing ever gets finished. Bills are always late. We are always running late. (My 4 year old asked me what “early” meant the other day when we were on our way to school and I said we were early today. True story). I envy organized people and wonder what calm and normal and relaxed must feel like. I could go on and on. Not alone. Well, obviously with 3000+ comments, but I was worried that without one more you couldn’t be sure. 🙂
Thank you. Thank you for being you. The shiny people make me think I have let my kids down. But my kids talk to me. They tell me things most teen age boys don’t tell their mommas. So I guess I’ve done good there. When the darkness gets to me I feel like I suck being me. How can I suck being me? I am the only me… Maybe me is just sucky? When I’m not taken down by the darkness, you sharing how you feel in the darkness gives me a little extra light. So thank you. The crazy fucked up you is awesome. The crazy fucked up me is awesome. A good thing for me this year is that I found this tribe. I am not alone. You are not alone. Even in the darkness there is a tribe. I don’t like many people in the world. But one of my very favorite people in the world found you first and shared your blog. It was a tiny spark in the darkness back then. Now its a place when I need a giant ass light. Posts like this I may not read right away but here they are when I need them. From the number on my posts, there are thousands of us out here in the internets who need you to just keep sharing. This tribe speaks volumes.
I take no meds and have no diagnosis to date, but I feel like this all the time. The fear propelled me from a past career and just as I find success in my blog, major outside validation, I feel like I am never on top of life, that no day is productive or taking me closer to success. And those days are debilitating, they make me run and hide (and I have no child to do so with under the covers, so it’s just me) … and in the past I have run far from this feeling (spanning continents) and it never lets up. Time off of Facebook, time being kind to myself can help. And, above all, keeping a gratitude journal has changed my life for the positive. Some of my closest friends still think it’s hokey, but I use happyrambles.com and I rattle off my list every day, I dig deep to think about the positive things that have happened, and I shoot it into the interwebs. And this, this practice has upped my good days to 6-7. And for that I am grateful. This post is one of the reasons I have long followed you — it’s honest and speaks to something I know is a commonality, but not one we talk about openly. Thank you.
Oh honey, I get it. The catch is that the girls you look at as the “Sparkly PTA Moms” can be feeling the same way. I told one of my friends that I suffer from serious depression and she replied “But you are always the life of the party!” Note: not the correct answer. Thank you for your always honest blog. It makes me feel better about how I feel and I love your interactions with the hubby. I appreciate your incredible strength for putting yourself out there for all of us minions to read. You have no idea what it means to me (and I’m sure more than just me). THANK YOU!!!!!!
When I start to feel like I am too exhausted to keep up with my life I sneak away during the middle of the day and go see movies by myself. I also download books and read them voraciously. I guess when it’s too hard to be inside my own head it feels good to feel like I’m inside someone elses. Then the bank statement comes and I’ve spent a crap-ton of money on e-books and my husband flips out. Seriously? $175 is an inexpensive way around a nervous breakdown.
It’s not just you. I used to have two mantras that sometimes still pop into my mind. I have to consciously (sometimes out loud) contradict them because I know they aren’t true. They are “I hate myself and want to die.” and “I suck at life.” I don’t feel like I want to die anymore, but I do still feel like I suck at life quite often. Just the everyday getting things done sort of stuff, not to mention wanting to make the world a better place somehow. I just try to focus on what’s really important – the people I love, that my basic needs are met, the hope that things will get better, that I’m not alone in all this – God is holding my hand.
I’d say I feel pretty awesome about 50% of the time, and like a shitty loser the other 50% of the time (but I rarely let anyone know). I am expecting my first baby, entering grad school, and working. I know I’m doing awesome at these things (or as awesome as I can), but I’m still dealing with family stuff that caused a lot of financial and emotional drain (I hear RageMichelle when she said she’s an adult child of a narcissist).
Anyway, I have suffered from mild depression (I call it mild, as I don’t take medication for it) in the past and while I think mentally I’m fine these days, I want you to know that I think everyone feels like this. There are days where you feel this immense sense of accomplishment and pride for who you are and what you do. But then there are other days (or weeks) where you feel like the shit under your shoe. When those days or weeks hit, I say it’s ok to wallow A LITTLE BIT (I usually end my wallow session by saying “oh my god, Erin, even I’m tired of your debbie downer crap) but to then refocus and try and move forward. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two back, but progress is progress, even if it feels like slogging through.
I hope things are looking up more and more – I’ll bet if anyone asked your husband or daughter, they’d have some pretty great things to say about you (just don’t remind your husband about the rooster before asking the question). I know you are the person many of us turn to when we are having our own shitty moments – so it’s nice that we can all be here for each other (and all that hokey stuff). Sometimes it’s just tougher for us to see it from the inside looking out. Take care!
– Erin
P.S. I loved your first book (it got me through the dark days of bawling in my bathtub during my first trimester), and I’m pretty sure I’m going to love your second book, no matter how different it is.
Oh, I have no idea how I get through life at all. I’m just lucky they’re desperate to hire, since we hear constantly about needing more people…
jeez thats a lot of comments and im just now catching up on your blog after missing out for a few months. i dont know if you will see this but heres hoping. i read a long time ago about people who are depressed have very bad augusts. that was a light bulb moment for me because truly when i thought about it every august i’d just not want to get out of bed and be in my darkest times. i thought it was just an aversion to heat and the sun. and maybe its related. all i know is just knowing that august is a bad month and it only lasts 30 days and then its over and my mood will lift was comforting. every year i kinda plan for it now. just make a mental note that its coming. i also notice all my depressed friends and my kid are also having bad augusts and i tell them about this theory. so now its sept, one if my fave months. partly because its my birthday month. partly because the heat eases up although here in florida you can barely tell. its still in the 90s. i recently moved to a little farm which is my lifelong dream. things are really good and i should be really happy. i dont really have a reason to be depressed or sad. and yet there it is. my dark passenger (ala dexter but i dont kill anyone). so i will just keep on with the serenity prayer (the accept it or change it parts) and im getting baby goats. im joining the sisterhood of the goats…yeah its a thing. their cuteness makes me smile. good luck to you.
Oh, I hear you. I flip to the very back of the quarterly glossy magazine my college sends to alums and marvel at the fact that everyone has gotten married to the perfect person, had a perfect baby, landed a perfect job, etc. No one has ever had a relationship end disastrously, lost a dream job, had a major illness, etc. Hard not to feel alone when on the surface it appears that everyone is doing so well! so perfect! If we were all candid enough and truthful enough, I think we’d see each other’s humanity more. I fail all the time (though I try to catch myself, I fail there too – a lot). But I succeed too. And both are okay. Mostly, I count a day in the “good” column if I’ve nurtured myself, my wife, our daughters, and maybe had a student who has a “lightbulb” moment (okay, those are rare). And one of these days, I plan to submit a note to my alma mater’s mag that reads something like, “Cara loves being a professor, except when flooded with crushing committee work and looming deadlines that make her feel completely inadequate and dumb. She and her wife have two beautiful children and lost a third child in a devastating miscarriage that left them both forever changed.” Wonder if it would get published…
Hey Jenny- Here’s where you are successful everyday. By being BRUTALLY honest. And that is freaking hard. And impossible for most of us.
Your honesty…about feeling like a failure, about struggling to see your own success, for being tripped up by the pretty, pastel people who have managed to lacquer over their own struggles and brilliantly hide them from the world, so that others feel inadequate because we can’t figure out how to hide the messiness of our own life…is HELPING others see themselves.
That said, I’ve felt like I’ve been swimming against the current my whole life, and haven’t allowed myself to feel “success”. And in the last few years, I’ve literally said “screw it”. So what that I don’t join the PTA and do all the publicly recognizable chores. What I do is good enough for me, my family and friends.
And to answer your question, I feel good enough most days, crap on a few and great on a handful. And for me, that is AMAZING.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. MOST of us aspire to that. (And I hope you write a 2nd book. The world needs it!!)
Vicki
I am at a place now where I feel like 0 would be my answer. I too watch all the shiny people and wonder what it is that I’m missing. What did I not learn about being ‘right’ that they did?
I think 3-4 days is a good start. I hope to be at 3-4 days at some point.
Thank you for being so honest.
“Shit. I’m fucking shit up. I accomplished nothing today except the basics of existing.”
and that’s enough, that’s more than some people accomplished today. I wish you could see yourself through our eyes, then again I wish most people could see themselves how others see them. We are so bombarded with outside messages about how we should be or look that we end up not knowing ourselves at all. It is a shitty existence to be a woman and an even shittier one to be a woman with the added weight of mental health issues (believe me, I know). The one thing that works for me (well sometimes) is purposefully ignoring the woulda coulda shoulda bullshit and acknowledging that today I did what I could for who I am and that is enough.
There are days when all I do is tear myself apart for everything I haven’t done. In the -I’m not special and can’t ever do a gad damn thing right to save my life – Kinda way.
Yet, I try.
I lost 110pds.
I have a son with Autism.
I am a cancer survivor.
I am a triathlete who was hit by a car, head first and managed to survive.
My life is filled with pain. I too try to push people away because I am afraid that IF they look TOO closely they’ll see the shoe string, bubble gum, and mascara thats holding my shit together.
You bring joy and laughter into my life. So thank you for being exactly who you are.
I quit following people on pinterest and looking at very many site/magazines/tv shows, etc that make me feel like that. My hair was unwashed for four days this week and I have HUGE dog hair balls under EVER effin piece of furniture and all along the walls in the bathroom. One corner of the kitchen has been extremely cluttered for weeks and (shreeeeeeeek) don’t EVEN look in the guest room. When I get home from work I throw my clothes on the bed. The bed serves as my closet and is no longer visible.
I have physical challenges and mental ones sometimes and I have learned not to compare myself to others. It’s not worth the anxiety and grief and feeling of doom hanging over my head. On days I feel like it, I may do one small thing, like unclutter that kitchen corner or, just maybe, take a shower. Ha! I have just lightened up a bit and remind myself that I’m not perfect.
Big hugs to you!
Michelle
I think you’re me! But you write exponentially more than I do. You’re also way cooler.
I have the dumb a lot, and my brain can’t work, or it works too much and other stuff happens.
Late to the party but here goes…
I’ve been a fan of your “funny” work for a while, but today a friend pointed out that you’ve written some really deep and thoughtful (her words) stuff about depression. I searched “depression” on your blog and found this. Read the first few paragraphs and tears came to my eyes. It is SO. NOT. JUST. YOU!!! And I don’t even have depression or anxiety (not diagnosed anyway). Or a popular blog or a NYT best-selling book to point to. I’m just in a transitional period in my life (hate those–don’t like change–why can’t everything just stay the way I want it to? Is that asking too much?) and it’s really, really hard not to believe what I *think* society thinks of me, which is pretty much that I am value-less (staying home with three kids, out of full-time work, for the last 17 years). It’s a pretty short trip from value-less to worthless. So, yeah, not just you. And, I guess, not just me either. So there’s that. Please keep writing, both the stuff that brings tear to my eyes from laughter, and the stuff that just brings tears to my eyes. You’ve done both today, so there’s something you can say you accomplished today.
I feel like that pretty much all the time, too. Like I’m not quite pulling my weight and always a failure at just making it through. I feel ya.
I have ADD… sadly I discovered this when I was doing research for my son’s ADHD. I think there are more people than you would think that feel this way. My mom told me that it didn’t matter if I had ADHD as a child as I am a high functioning adult now… I had to laugh at her. I am high functioning enough to get things done because they HAVE to be done. Have a career but at great cost, the stress of being hyper-focused all day so I don’t miss something important and screw up is exhausting, and it shows when I come home. I have been called stupid, lazy, good-for-nothing and deep down I believe these things because I don’t see other people struggle the way I do… until I got this new job. I work with smart wonderful women…who are like me in that; holding their crap together on a daily basis is exhausting. I think the bright shiny people are actually a minority and not an example to strive for as I know I wasn’t personally built to be that type of person and the idea of changining all the things I would need to change to be like that is exhausting. We can call it lazy if you like (I prefer to think of it as not wasting energy). Most days I feel like a fraud, my husband is so proud of me he’s always bragging to other people and I don’t understand it as well as it makes me very uncomfortable, I accept it because I know that deep down he believes these things about me and I am grateful he can’t see the picture I have of myself in my head… it’s not as beautiful as the one he has I’m sure. And I am pretty sure I am screwing my kids up too. I guess I feel successful 2 days in a month and reality kicks in and I know I am still me. What I do feel is happy and grateful most days because I DO have someone to love me, and my kids for all my mistakes love me and whether I feel it or not there are people to whom I am precious… a limited few.. but the only people who really matter anyway.
My solution to this pervasive feeling of overwhelmed and underaccomplished usually involves one or more of the following:
a. Eating chocolate
b. Crying my eyes out
c. Cleaning something
d. Going shopping
e. All of the above (on a really bad day)
Lately I’ve found that the best solution, though, to this suffocating feeling of overwhelmed and under-accomplished is to go toast marshmallows on metal chopsticks over the gas flame of my stove with my kids and pretend that we are camping. We laugh and giggle and tell each other fart jokes and for a few seconds, maybe even a whole minute, I am a good mommy and that is the best, most lasting accomplishment I can hope for. Well, that and flat abs someday. But for those I’d have to give up the marshmallows and chocolate… ain’t gonna happen.
These are my confessions. Mostly I just feel exhausted all the time. I get home from work and plop on the couch, stay up too late watching YouTube videos/way too many episodes of Law and Order SVE or making Pinterest boards of stuff I’ll never really cook/craft. I always mean to go to bed early and I always fail. I always mean to get up on time and I always fail at that too. I’m lucky that I don’t have a set start time at work. I rarely clean. I eat Taco Bell for lunch like WAY too much (like 3 times a week) because grocery shopping and deciding what to buy and actually packing a lunch and remembering to bring it with me, it’s just too much to handle most of the time. Lately, I just want to hermit myself in the house all weekend even though I have awesome friends who ask me to do things but I sometimes just avoid them because going outside just feels too daunting. I have a really amazing boyfriend but I’m afraid to talk about my feelings so we haven’t had a real honest discussion in too long. I bury things instead. My mom is a four alarm disaster in every way, so I feel like I have to help her with her life, but all the while I just wish that I could be as fucked up as she is so everyone else would have to take care of me and I could just float along not having to do all the tedious shit that grown ups have to do. I don’t understand the people who have houses that are immaculate and cook every day and go on vacation and own a house and dress nicely and wear makeup all the time. Where do they find the energy? I could probably make a 100 item list of things I think I should change in my life. People mostly think I’m a competent person but they don’t really know what’s going on in my head. You are doing ok, I am doing ok. At least you have the courage to go to therapy. I could probably use it but it seems like just another thing to add to the list of stuff I don’t really want to do but feel really guilty for flaking on. Bah. So it goes.
I cannot express to you how relieved I am to read these words.
I feel much of what you describe and more. It makes me think I’m crazy. I battle the darkness inside me and feel so alone sometimes. Although I don’t wish this pain on anyone else, it’s good to know I’m not the only one.
I am on meds and have highs and lows. I know I have more good days and generally feel better when I’m more active and eating healthy.
I have more energy and fewer down days.
I had no idea there was such thing as “Imposter Syndrome.” I almost cried reading that. What a revelation.
When I honestly do well at something and get complimented, I almost feel I must’ve tricked or cheated. Sometimes, when relaying the “good” news to my parents, friends or spouse, I have this underlying feeling that I’m lying, or that they think I’m lying, even though I’m not. This is about simple things that can be verified.
I always assumed it was because I grew up with a compulsive liar for a sibling. We humored him, even knowing he was full of it. I wondered if perhaps everyone thinks the same of me, even though I’ve given no reason for them to.
Then I married young and very badly and lived for years with an abusive husband who led me to believe I was worthless, stupid and would never amount to anything.
Is this why I still think I am no good?
Is this all genetic? I struggle with the whys, the Nature vs. Nurture argument a lot, hoping my monsters, my darkness, passes my children by.
Oh, to have complete control over one’s own thoughts, feelings, mind.
Thank you so much for sharing!
I hate to hear that you’e struggling but at the same time this post is comforting to me. I’ve always felt this way, especially comparing myself to the other parents when my daughter was in school. It ALWAYS feels like everyone else got the handbook and I was home under the covers that day. I tried to do it all perfectly, I really did. I ironed her clothes and washed and dried her hair every morning. I bought perfect school supplies and made perfect lunches. All while being a single mom with a brutal, time sucking job. I cleaned my house constantly. . .I just kept fighting to try and be like THEM. But I wasn’t because I’m not. Thank GOD. I sucked at being “perfect”. I hate it. I want to wear my Doctor Who shirt with my furry zebra pants ALL weekend while the dishes pile up and I don’t care because I’m too busy eating pizza and snorting pop out of my nose while watching Anime with my kid. I’m 40 now and thankfully I’m losing my steam of trying to be other things than what I am. I almost lost my kid. I was too busy trying to kick ass that I didn’t pay enough attention. And after that, well, all I want to do is dumb stuff with her. . . like when we dressed up as the 11th doctor and Nyan Cat to go to Rocky Horror last year. . .now that’s perfect. I think you’re wonderful by the way. I’d be lost without all of the humor and fun in your blog. 🙂
Hmmm. I don’t know how to best answer this question without sounding preachy?
Disclaimer: I think your awesome and I am not trying to preach to you at all.
You are not alone.
Some people who may appear as thought they live in those pastel lives struggle with the same stuff. They put on a brave front because thats what they were taught to do during times of distress. I would say I am probably about the same 5-6 days during a good month.
P.S. Your book is wonderful. A good friend of mine and I got drunk and we had “story time with Sherry” while she read aloud from your book and we laughed our asses off sitting around a bonfire. I don’t think this is really a compliment, so don’t feel uncomfortable about hearing it, it is just beautifully, amazingly, magically epic.
Some days I make a list of things I know I’m going to do…like “bring in the mail” so that I can cross it off knowing I’ve accomplished something. I can’t let myself get caught up in the fact that not every day will be a smashing success. I’m thankful for the several days each month that I do feel successful.
Dear Jenny, you are my hero!
I’m sorry about that, because it probably won’t make you feel better in the moments you feel like a failure. But I insist. You have a magnetic way to write about life. bare bones with frills in such unexpected places it makes the world crack up into laughter. Maybe your depression, anxiety and ADD help you a little to see into the cracks of existence. Please be kind with them.
The forecast for all our lives is grim: old age (if we get there) and death (for sure). In the meantime I love to read your blog and do other fun things a few moments a day at least.
I break down at least thrice a week. I feel like i have failed and let everyone down. Nothing feels even remotely okay. Work sucks, school is intensely straining! Family and friends are so hard to understand.
Somehow i hear things will get better…
I’m lucky if I’m able to feel accomplished 2-3 days per month. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, but being a college student just puts more and more stress in my life. Some days, I’m not able to drag myself out of bed and I just lay there and cry. But in the back of my mine, I’m repeating over and over, “tomorrow is a new day.”
Because I’m a hermit (very similar to you) i’ve learned to cope and deal with artwork. I’m an advertising major, graphic design minor at Western Kentucky, which is extremely convenient for me because I’m doing what i absolutely love. Artwork only has so many therapeutic remedies though.
One of my biggest faults is comparing myself to others as well; I’m just lucky to be alive. I do have a history or suicide, but thankfully with the right medication I’ve been in the clear and off suicide watch for the last several months. Reading your book has opened my eyes and helped me realize that I’m not the only fucked up person on this planet. You’re an absolutely phenomenal person, and never forget that.
Take it from a crisis therapist, you’re not alone. With as many as one in three people struggling with some form of mental illness, you’re as normal as the next guy…which is me. And with your natural talent for writing, you’ve become one of my own therapeutic tools, i.e., YOU ARE MY THERAPY! Hang in there, Jenny.
I too have depression and anxiety, and also OCD. Medication helps only so much. My last major depression resulted in suicidal thoughts and voluntary hospitalization. Here’s the good part, and I say that in advance because it’s not going to sound good, I got a lot of tests done while I was in the hospital and that’s when they found breast cancer. They found it (mostly) early and the prognosis is (mostly) good. After the depression got exponentially worse, it got better. And I got perspective. Nothing matters more to me than my son and still being around to raise him. Sure, I’m in a professional occupation with lots of responsibility and a good salary, but I’m faking it most of the time. I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have this job and I shouldn’t have gotten that degree and no one should be trusting me with this much responsibility. I realize now that I can only have three priorities in life, and I can only do a good job with one of those at a time. My family, my finances and my health. Some days I do really good at the health thing, I work out and I eat right, but then I realize that I forgot to pay my bills and the electricity gets shut off. Then I focus on my finances but my family time and my health choices suffer. I can have a great weekend with my family only to realize I spent too much money. I can never do well at all three at the same time. No one would ever guess that I have a horrible credit report, but I go days, weeks even months not wanting to deal with anything financial. I don’t think there are any real perfect, shiny people out there. The ones who look like they’ve got it all under control are probably messing up in ways we never see. Maybe they’re bad parents, maybe their health is in crisis and they don’t even know it. But guess what? Today I’m not dying of cancer, and neither are you, so really, what else matters?
At least you have a kid … there are days I don’t feel I have ever done anything worthwhile. Ever.
I just finished your book…. You and I had eerily similar childhoods, though I had a younger brother, and we lived in rural New York. my folks were research scientists and conservationists, they bought an old farm in the middle of nowhere to raise chickens and apples.. My dad used to say “best cat’s a flat cat” and then cry the hardest when one of the (thirty or so) barn cats died. My brother and I were terrorized by the free range roosters in the yard, and were baffled and disturbed, but gleeful when we witnessed their beheadings and the headless bodies doing backflips (those roosters were assholes). Now I collect skulls and teacups and make weird art. But I love your blog and the book, and I know how you feel. I often feel I am treading water, and even after big accomplishments I feel like a total failure. I win awards or have a successful show and feel like a poser, a fraud. I second guess all of my ideas and plans. But once in a while I think I get it right. Maybe 3-4 days a month. Maybe more or less depending on the month. Usually i feel this way when I finish something new. In my 20’s I developed some huge anxiety disorders, or I guess i mean I finally learned what they were. But i think everyone feels like a fraud at least some of the time. You aren’t alone in that.
WOW. You are SO not alone and I feel all the better reading these things and knowing that I too am not. I have never spoken of my similar struggles to anyone ever but I often feel like a pretender who is so good at pretending that people who think good things of me are really only seeing some outer shell that isn’t even the real me and sadly, yes, I feel as if some days I accomplish nothing of worth to even myself. This has been probably the worst year Ive had in my whole life and the other day I felt like I shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe and waste good air that could be put to better use in the lungs of someone less useless. I just started going to therapy and am over 30 so this is a bit of a late start but hopefully it will help me come to terms with me and get to know who that really is. I’d like to ad that reading this blog I can usually find something that will make me laugh almost to the point of crying or peeing myself no matter what kind of funk I am in. I’d like to say thanks for that.
Actually, I don’t even have days when I feel like I accomplished something. I have a degree I’m not using, but I can’t afford to get another degree (or grad degree). I’m living paycheck to paycheck. A lot of the time, it’s fine, but then something happens (like my car’s radiator had to be replaced) and I just sit at home and stare at the wall because I’m 35 years old and I can’t afford to fix my car. I was so excited to be making my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary present and in the middle of it, I started crying because I know I will never have a 40th anniversary. (I’m 35 and single with no prospects.) At my age, my parents had 2 kids, owned their home, and 2 cars. Most of the time, I’m fine. But there are some days when it just smacks me in the face and I can’t function.
So i’m catching up on your blog today and just saw this post. Which totally hit home to me because i spent yesterday in the bed, completely unable to function, because I woke up totally losing my shit and didnt know why. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have been on more drugs than those damn happy cows in California.(Actually those may be the ones that aren’t pumped up with steroids but I still find them annoying-They are the “cheerleaders” of the cow world.)
The imposter syndrome describes it perfectly. I try to tell people that I feel like a failure and a fraud and they think I am fishing for compliments. Which in turn annoys me or causes a full blown panic attack depending on my level of self loathing at the time. Throw in the fact that I decided to return to school at 30 and finish my degree…..well trust me there is nothing like a room full of optimistic, enthusiastic, overachieving 18 year olds to make you feel suicidal and homicidal at the same time.
So to be honest I only feel I kick ass probably 4 days a month. Sadly I seem to feel the worst when I have actually accomplished something because I beat myself up for not doing it before. What makes me feel successful? I’m still working on that one.
So nope you aren’t alone and it’s not just you. And also have to say I love your blog and think you are an amazingly strong person and talented writer.
PS-Does your purse resemble a pharmacy? Mine sounds like I’ve got Mexican maracas in it.
Everyone feels that way sometimes. You are not alone. Recognize that the same mind that observes the world in your delightful, unique way…that inspires and makes others laugh, is the same mind that cannot easily shut down when the dark thoughts inevitably intrude. It’s part of the package. Not easy, of course, but sort of the flip side to your creativity.
I like to use the old perspective tool. Will this matter in a week, a month, your deathbed? Hailey will remember a childhood with mom watching LHOP under the covers, not dusty boxes that needed unpacking.
Pastel people? Very few exist. You are see just a slice of their life. You don’t know the baggage they carry. Why assume that all is right in their world and therefore you somehow don’t measure up?
Finally, treat yourself as well as you would your best friend. If your friend said, I am only successful 3-4 days a month, I have so many unfinished projects, some days I can only manage to watch TV
with my daughter, what would you tell her? Would you berate her or judge her? Probably not, so don’t hold yourself to that standard. Sorry if this sounds like I am preaching.
“There’s a crazy lady living in your head. I hope you’ll be comforted to hear that you’re not alone. Most of us have an invisible inner terrible someone who says all sorts of nutty stuff that has no basis in truth.”
Don’t let the crazy lady win: http://therumpus.net/2011/12/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-92-your-invisible-inner-terrible-someone/
*I don’t write this article, the many Cheryl Strayed does, but it has always helped me to read it when the crazy lady starts screaming inside my head.
Currently I feel productive/useful maybe 2-3 days a month. You are totally not alone…
I miss the days when just doing stuff that needed to be done and maybe doing a couple fun things was enough to make the week seem worthwhile. I miss being/feeling creative. It’s been a rough couple years.
I’m not very good at this myself right now, but please try to remember that it’s ok to not be a superhero, that it’s ok to feel like hiding under the bed sometimes, and that you are a pretty amazing human being. You are raising a marvelous child (in a much more stable environment than the one you grew up in), you are a highly creative person and a wonderful writer, you have a fantastic relationship with your husband… that’s so much more than many people ever manage to do in their whole lives. *hugs*
As the others have said, so not you. I have depression and anxiety too, both of which are currently rearing their ugly heads. And I could have written this post (not about the published book part, but the rest of it).It is so unbelievably hard to feel successful when you’ve got this bottomless pit talking to you, “Oh, that’s not really that great. Oh, that’s not enough. Who exactly do you think you are?” I’ve tried meds, and exercise, and green juice (yoga, no sugar, and green juice do help a lot, for what it’s worth). What’s worked best for me is developing a spiritual life. I’m not religious, don’t go to church, don’t even want to go to church because while community sounds nice, having to put on a nice dress on a bad day sounds attack-inducing. I mean more like reading Women Who Run With the Wolves (great one, by the way), other “spiritual” books that help me discern what is the ego and how to move past it. That said, I was in puddle of tears this morning over goodness knows what, so it’s not perfect. Then again, nothing is. sending you lots of love and hopes that this round passes soon.
You are not alone. I get paralyzed by my anxiety so that I rarely get tasks completed. My best friend came over and looked into my office and said “What’s going on in here?” Do we need to get you on “Hoarders”?
I had already worked on my office the previous week.
I feel that my life is slipping by me and I have nothing to show for it. Personally. I DO have a fucking beautiful, brilliant, funny, musically-artistically-scientifically talented daughter. But I get sad that when she grows up and moves out (even though she says yes when I ask if I can live with her when she gets older) that I will be lore lost than I already am.
I get it. I hear you.
Oh my God Jenny, you’ve just described my life. So a) NOPE. Not just you. But on the bright side for me, not just me, either! I’m selfish like that. (ugh! Add this to the pile of days where I feel like a socially awkward loon.) 2) Successful to water-treading days per month? It’s probably 3 “successful” days to 28 “what the hell is wrong with me” days. And there are days where “successful” means “not locking myself into the staff bathroom at work to cry in the corner for a bit.” Aren’t we ever so lucky to have sense of humor about things, even if it is a kind of warped sense? *hugs*
Everyone feels like this. They just don’t admit it. I think that doing what you do with the challenges you face is incredibly amazing, and I totally understand that doesn’t help you.
I don’t think about this much, I am not challenged with anxiety at all and depression is not a constant in my life, that said, I probably suck at being a human being taking advantage of what is around me and making the day worth getting out of bed about 50 % of the time.
All those shiney people with the perfect lives? They are so not shiney and their lives probably suck. A friend recently said he envies my life (I’m 50, single, no kids, and I live at least an hour from all the people I truly care about). So I gave him the run down on the shitstorm that I my life truly is.
Sharing as you do improves the lives of sooooo many people. Just knowing that they are not the only one is so important. That alone – whether you are presenting it with humor or straight up seriousness like today – makes the world a better place. So I call it a win. Hopefully you will find a way to live in the win column rather than the loss column.
PS I have a two room apartment and I am incapable of keeping it clean, even when people come help me to clean it I can’t maintain it.
Fail.
I’m here because my anxiety/depression has gone off the rails this month and I knew you would have a post in here somewhere that would make me feel better and less alone. This is that post. Thank you.
I don’t know what else I can add to this that the 3,632 previous posters haven’t but yeah, with you. I don’t count the “success” days. Most of the time I’m not too bad, but there’s this bully that keeps telling me that I’m just coasting. Yet the things I thought I wanted to do – write a novel, have a podcast, do voice work – I feel like I don’t give a shit about two thirds of the time.
And just ask my wife about how I don’t feel like I’m good enough most of the time! Marrying me wound up including taking a job as on-call psych support. The amount of times she’s wanted to kick my arse into realising how much better I am than I believe…
I didn’t read every single comment under your post, though I’m sure I agree with most of them. I am currently looking for a job, and every time I’m faced with that dreaded blank email box, I freeze. How the $%#@ am I supposed to start this thing? I don’t have any experience in my field, why should I apply when it clearly states 2-3 years? If I greet them by Ms. will they be offended? Oh crap, it’s too short, what can I add to make it sound smarter? That doesn’t make me sound smarter, maybe I should read up how to do this online. Am I acting to forceful when I say “I look forward to our next correspondence” (which I don’t think I’ve ever said in an email, but you get the picture)?
I’ve had literal circles in my life where I think “you know, if you lose weight, you could probably find a job faster or at least, you’d be healthier.” So I make plans to go buy healthy food, workout more, and other stuff and then my brain comes back to bite me with “wait, why aren’t you cleaning out a spot for you to work? If you don’t do that, how to you plan to get a job?” So I go work on that and then I get hit with “wait, if you are wasting time doing this, you aren’t making anything to show potential employers.” So then I start on that and then back to “sitting on the computer all day making models is not going to make you any healthier.”
Sometimes they switch it up on me, but that’s the general trend. And once I realize I can’t accomplish one thing without upsetting another, I just give up and watch TV while playing Farmville or Candy Crush cause at least then I’m accomplishing something even if it’s only virtual. Oh, and I forgot to mention that apparently my body has decided that I should be an owl or something and sleep during the day and stay up all night. Really hard to feel accomplished when you wake up at 4 in the afternoon and realize that people are heading home from their full day at work.
So, as far as successful days a month, I think it would depend on the month you asked me. This month I might be at a whopping 7 due to me making it to a career fair I found out about a day before it happened and spending the day before the career fair putting everything in order to attend it without looking like a crazed lunatic. But yeah, as a general number, maybe 3-5 if I’m lucky. And that only if you include the days that I do more than one load of laundry, or remember to move the load of laundry from the washer to the dryer within two hours the wash cycle ending, or the days that I go get groceries for the house and remember to get that jar of jam my mom asked about last week.
Do you remember those days in school when the teacher would be like “let’s go around and introduce ourselves and talk about what you did this summer.” I always felt bad cause these people would say stuff like they participated in a robotic competition in which the robot they designed was able to determine what type of surface they were on and use the best type of wheels to traverse it, or they got an internship at Google and designed an app that is going to be released into the general public within the next few months and he is in the process of being promoted, and my response was “I worked at a summer job.”
It’s hard to remember Albert Einsteins quote about “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” That seems to be my problem at least. I forget about what I’m good at and try judging myself based on someone else’s tape measure. And even then, when I do try to measure based on what I know, I worry I don’t know it well enough. I just figure that one of these days, I will feel confident enough to be able to push those voices aside enough to not have them right in my ear but maybe as a distant whisper that I can more easily ignore. Here’s hoping that the same thing happens for you as well.
I can totally relate. Thankfully I’m a drunk so I have 12 steps to help me and a bunch of crazy-ass people like me who call me on my shit and pick me up when I can’t get off the couch. Thanks for your honesty. I’m off to a fucking PTA meeting.
I have a masters and a great, high paying job, and a condo in a great big city. I have a great boyfriend and a dog and throw dinner parties, and I think everyone thinks I am that put-together person. I smile a lot and am witty.
I am also bulimic and have been for years. I privately feel like a failure every time I eat – and I know it is completely ludicrous to feel that way. I feel like a failure when I don’t work out at least three hours a day. I recently had an injury and a very stressful time at work and gained 15 pounds and I look in the mirror every day and am disgusted. And I really feel like a failure because all the progress I thought I had made in therapy feels like it was suddenly erased in a few months. Every day, I’m supposed to find reasons to celebrate myself — and they don’t come easy. I go to sleep proud a couple days a month, but I also go to sleep drunk a few more than that.
Everyone has their demons. We are a society that prides itself on working endlessly to accomplish more, rather than celebrating life, family, and food. It is really hard to buck the trend, even when you know its the better life. One day, hopefully, we will all make it there. Thank you for letting us come along on your journey.
Once a close friend got kicked out of the PTA for standing up and saying that none of the other parents gave a shit. Then she got permanently banned because she wouldn’t promise never to do it again. This really has nothing to do with your post, but it is interesting trivia about how weird you can get and still have friends.
I stopped asking myself how often I feel like I’m succeeding at my life the day I married the man who always loves me no matter what. He might be crazier than me. We really don’t know. But now it’s been eighteen years, and we have a teenager who needs us, so we hang in there. We work at living the lives we most want to live. And we still laugh harder at each other’s jokes than anybody else ever has.
If someone loves you, then I say you’re all good. And if that someone is you, then I say you’re even better.
You’re not alone. So not alone. It’s not just you.
Here’s someone putting it more articulately than I can.
I didn’t feel like this box was big enough, so I actually wrote a blog post on my own blog in response to this. I’m not a big blogger and I write more for myself than for other people to read (I’ve had 500-ish views since I started in June).
I just really felt that this deserved a well-thought out reply and I did link to your blog so that you get credit for the content <3 I hope it makes you feel better, because sometimes your blog helps me through bad moments.
Here is the link to the blog:
http://optimismandcaffeine.blogspot.com/2013/10/in-response-to-some-inspiration.html
OMgoodness…I just want to hug you after reading this. All of the shit that goes on in my own head, written down for me to see. You are so awesome for letting the rest of us know we aren’t alone in this. Let’s sit on the couch and eat nachos and watch re-runs for a week… 🙂
One day I realized that I was comparing my inner most insecurities to everyone else’s outer projection of competence. No wonder I never measured up.
Wow, so many comments. You will probably never see this! Well, I press on.
I don’t think about whether or not I’m good at being a person. What does that mean, anyway? Probably something different to everyone who contemplates it. It’s best not to contemplate, in my book. Be nice. Do what you can. Do I have the best job? No. It’s not even a career. I’m not sweating it. The current of my life lead me here, and oh, it could have been different, but it wasn’t. Onward. I could tell you how awesome you are, and I think you are awesome, absolutely. I’m on your site right now because someone on a facebook group I belong to posted that she was thinking of killing herself, and my first thought was – she needs to read The Bloggess. So, I found some entries of your and posted the links over there, and I hope it helps her. I think it will. I bet you have just saved her life. Because what you’re saying here is good, and important, and helpful. I know, because you already helped one of my best friends who was severely depressed. I think you’re being a fabulous person, but that is meaningless if you don’t think so. My advice? Stop thinking about it. Or maybe focus on really horrible humans, oh – there are so many – and maybe you’ll start to see how awesome you are? I wish I could convince you, but I’m doubting my abilities right now. Maybe John Green can help? Watch Harvey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ooCeoh6608 Love, love , love, Lori
I just came across this and although I am really late answering, here it goes. I am guessing that most of you are still what I call young women with school age children. I am now 67 and wish I had the attitude when I was in my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s that I have now. What you wrote was me to a T, but now I realize that almost everyone is faking it. I had always envied my best friend for having her act together then I realized that she was putting on a good act. I have reached a stage in my life that is great. I don’t worry about what other people think of me, I really do not care. I am who I am. I am no better and no worse than anyone else.
Wake up each day and just say, I am going to do what I can do, no more no less. If when you are lying in bed that night you think the day was wasted, remember the smiles you got from your children, spouse, partner, coworkers. The day was not a waste if you made someone feel better by giving them a smile. Smiling is a mental health secret, it makes both parties feel better.
I don’t know if what I am saying makes sense to you all, but I hope it will help in a little way. Don’t take life too seriously, enjoy each day for what it is not what you thought it should be. Smiles to you all.
Yep. I have the audacity to feel successful 3-4 days in a GOOD month. Then I read about you. You are exceedingly successful.
You have actually published a BOOK (Which I have in my Nook). I’ve only “won” NaNoWriMo ONCE in the 12 years I have participated. I have been a NaNoWriMo Municipal Liaison for 4 of those years. I’ve never won since becoming an ML.
You have a blog where HUNDREDS even THOUSANDS of people comment on your posts. I’m lucky if 6 people noticed I made a post. Of course, to be fair, until last month, I hadn’t posted anything since April.
YOU have traveled all over the world. I do not even own a passport.
I keep intending to build up an inventory of my knit and crochet items I make, so I can have an Etsy page and sell them. Instead, I end up giving them away as gifts, or leave things unfinished. I have several unfinished knit and crochet projects that I go back and forth between. Same for books. YOU, actually DO have a shop–I just bought a mug there today. It was the “Don’t worry, it’s not my blood” mug. I customized it with the screen shot of a drawing I did in DrawSomething 2 of the kid from “A Christmas Story” in the bunny suit (The word I was drawing was “costume.”)
You will probably never even read this because I am commenting on a post from several months ago, AND I am the 3,644th person to comment on this post, but if you do, I want you to know that I think you are awesome, and inspiring. I was reading some excerpts from your posts to my husband (We’ve been married 17 years too) and he asked if I was sure that you weren’t secretly me….or that I wasn’t secretly you. Or something like that. Maybe in a parallel universe?
I’m not great at being a functional adult either. We’ve coined the term “unhelping” for when I REALLY tried to do a good and helpful thing, but just fucked it up and make things worse instead.
Like once, I thought I’d be a good wife and hang up my dude’s clothes. Which I did! Unfortunately that basket was full of dirty clothes, not clean ones. Dammit.
I think everybody’s faking it a little, especially on the internet. I don’t always have my shit together. I don’t even USUALLY have my shit together. Sometimes I shove dirty dishes in the oven when we have people coming over. Sometimes I forget I put them there, and preheat said dishes. Despite appearing outwardly successful, the smaller day to day stuff… It’s not always happening. But my family’s happy and healthy, and things are generally not on fire. So I’m calling it a win.
I thought you were me, thinking out loud, for a second! Hey — you said what I ‘ve been wondering for the last 57 years, ever since Mama transferred me into third grade at the new elementary school in the next town over—they were making change the day I got there, learning how to count it back and all that, remember? Only the class had been doing it for a day or so, and I just got the total immersion version. I was overwhelmed, terrified to disclose that I didn’t get one thing that they were talking about, and so I just kept paddling and faking it like I got it. I have been running out of my shoes ever since, frantically trying to keep one step ahead of everyone else who really understands this shit and any minute now is going to totally realize that I have no idea. I know just how you feel. And I don’t know why we are made this way. I have been on antidepressants and Zanax at some irregular interval since 1995, when my husband ran off with the 27-year old receptionist, and my life exploded. (Apparently, I have not yet managed to get it back together, yet) I think you are doing wonderfully if you have 3-4 days in which you feel balanced and good, a month. I might feel that way for a few hours every 3 or 4 weeks! Your ability to write about this whole subject is one of the most courageous things I have ever appreciated. Thank you. There are a lot of us people like you out here. We are masquerading as the people on the bus next to you, passing you in traffic, and weeping, on the bench at the park.
You are not alone, and judging by all the comments neither of us are . I am happy if I succeed at my job or parenting or being a good spouse, but I never feel successful at all of them at any one time, and rarely feel successful at any at a given time. My best friend is our triplet and I feel like a failure by not helping her feel successful or fulfilled, what a merry-go-round! Just like tonight, I cannot sleep, I’m depressed and I hurt, but I read your blog randomly old or new, read and re-read and I don’t feel alone even in a home with those I love, and you make me laugh.
You are not alone.We are all impostors. Just keep in mind it could be worse. You could have cancer and be told you have a month left to even live life.At least you can live life without always worrying you are going to die.As I type this someone is dieing.Life is not a contest. You do not have to be part of a certain group to be cool or accomplished.That sounds like high school all over again.At least you have a family. I was depressed for a while as well. But I started going to Church.I wrote down 3 things I was thankful for every day. All of those people who seem to have the perfect life have the worst life out of us all because they are so concerned with being “perfect” they do not realize the real things in life.We are all insecure.Some nights we go to sleep feeling unaccomplished. Everybody has regrets.Those people with “perfect life’s” are not really that perfect.Thanks-
Keri Roar
WOW! I see this is an old post, and I wasn’t about to read almost 4000 comments, but you are not alone. I am hoping you are feeling better by now but I just had to comment to say Thank You for this. I am a naturally happy and positive person but when my breakdown hit me, it wiped me out for about a year. I lost everything and am still on meds to control it. I am a great listener if you ever need one.
After having read many posts, I see that it is commonplace to feel this way, which doesn’t surprise me and should be more comforting to know that, despite these pressures. I have been suspect of those “feigning optimism” or appearing to have it all together. I believe that not only does everyone experience problems of one kind or another, including celebrities who are actually human, but that the idea of “perfect people and perfect lives” has just been something projected upon society, which creates unrealistic standards and a sense of failure.
I have seen this worsen – from women “being told to create a particular appearance” or somehow remain youthful, to creating perfection in all that we do. Somehow these standards were established for looks, friendships, grades, higher education, jobs, careers, relationships, weddings, marriage, spouses, sex life, children, family, income, home, credit scores, vacations, celebrations, retirement. I get tired of seeing advertisements depicting how life “should be” with happy, smiling, attractive, people – buying, gambling, eating out, vacationing or 20-year-olds purchasing the latest-model vehicle, for instance. Then there are the nicely-dressed women doing housework, females eating low-fat snacks, getting anti-age advice (or other ways in which perfectionism or sexism is planted – but I digress..)
It is suggested that the earlier children are exposed to a variety of certain elements, it will determine their later “success” and to begin by reading and singing to them while in the womb. I wonder how many had ideal experiences during early years, in my case, being that my Mom had considered leaving my father, who at the time was struggling with alcoholism. He quit sometime after my age of three, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I believe helped to create a happy family life, but not everyone is so lucky. But I wonder how much my early beginnings were affected, since it is proven that a child can struggle with math for instance, this occurring with me and felt like a failure due to it, but possessed other skills.
The bottom line is, each of us grows up within different circumstances and are affected by other influences besides genetics throughout our lives, so why in the world are we all expected to excel at the same abilities, achieve in the same ways or become all-powerful? Not to mention other social pressures such as those remaining single, being childless by choice, dealing with mental illness, addiction.
It is all too much and should not allow it to affect us. These messages have become so ingrained, that it is difficult to keep from from a habit of self-judgement, such as “Oh, why didn’t get to that sooner?”, “What is wrong with me?”, or “I’ll never ________”. If it is so common to become this way we should take comfort in knowing it is obviously the majority and these fake pressures are unwarranted. We should be treating ourselves kindly and realistically, as we should others. I have had problems like everyone and fall into the trap of judgement, however, I know I am a good person and try to focus on who I am, not what I “did not become or achieve”, based upon particular standards.
Dear 2013 Jenny,
I am from the future. 2015, to be exact. You finish the book. And it’s a best seller.
Love,
Casey
🙂
This is an old post but I’m going through your blog backwards and maybe today, or tomorrow, you might need this loving kick-up-the-arse. You truly are an amazing person. If you manage to do what you do in only 3-4 days or even a week a month then I shudder to think what you would be capable of if you were functionable 20 days a month (I am graciously giving you weekends off).
You seem to fit more life into those few, glorious days than others do in a month and you do it joyfully, with a smile on your face and a song in your heart and the strength to support others who are struggling.
And we thank you for that strength.
You are over-critical of yourself and would never set the same standards for others as you do yourself. Stop it! But I know you won’t and you can’t and that’s okay because that’s you. And me. And lots of other people.
I have no suggestions as to how you can make you ‘better’ and I’m sorry about that. Except maybe to cut yourself some slack. But maybe you won’t or you can’t. I know I can’t but I’m going to try. I asked my husband to make an appointment with my GP today for a referral to a therapist. That’s your fault. It’s your fault because I want to experience those few days of joy that you do. I want at least that brief moment where I can do more than just exist.
I want to be like you on your good days. Because your good days fuckin’ ROCK!
Here endeth the arse-kicking.
Holy fck, it’s me. I didn’t read this post when you first wrote it. I never heard of Impostor Syndrome till I read Furiously Happy. I had no idea it was a “thing.” Average 2-3 days per month when I feel like I have my sht together and accomplished what a reasonable person should. Good month, 5-6 days. Lately, less than 1. You are a gift. You are a treasure. Thank you, yet again, for being you.
I think we may be related. I am so down on myself lately because at night I overwhelm myself at everything I DID NOT do. I’m failing as a special needs mom…my other 3 kids are angels compared to Autism. Behavior. My mom instincts do not work. I have never been a PTA parent but I did have a cleanish house . now it’s a pure disaster I can’t keep up with. Why can’t things be easier . I do not approve if this adult life for sure !
Wearing a mask is what I do best. No one really knows who I am or how I really feel. Hiding seems to protect from my own reality—— Pain. I often wonder do they know I only have 2-3 days a month to function like a normal person, or do they even care. I get so down on myself to the point of tears.but I am learning to think positive by taking one day at a time and not projecting.
You all may be surprised at this but it is really working and it has worked for me. i have registered to so many social networks in search of a real love. i have been used and dumped by many until i was introduced to a spell caster through my girl friend Tracy. this man turned my life around and right now am the happiest woman on earth because i have found real and genuine love. we are married now and am pregnant even though i was barren and can you believe it to a very wealthy and loving man. oh my God am so happy. his name is Dr Olorun. he brought the right man and made me whole by restoring my womb, but in the end he said the only way i can pay him back is by telling the whole world this testimony. you can contact him via email. olorunoduduwaspiritualtemple @ gm ail.c om
Thank you for the song – I really needed it today. And by the way, at the age of 65, I have observed throughout my life that we all have good days and bad even when life is generally pretty good. Trite perhaps, but I believe it to be accurate.
WLP in Oregon
First of all I’m schizoaffective so here’s a little advice on how eye got out of my pity party and now have confidence. First of all eye feel equal to everyone else now because eye stoped looking down at other people after playing an Eddie Van Halen or Jimi Hendrix guitar solo and started realizing that anyone who loves that music enough can play just as good as me eye just worked harder and had dirrection at an earlier age. Eye always said anyone can do it but couldn’t help but feel superior after watching my fingers fly like that(jango internet radio name of band the toltecs). See once eye started looking at myself as normal even though I’m unique which is just a positive spin on the word weird everyone else is just as weird/unique as eye am. Once eye stopped feeling superior at times eye stopped feeling almost perpetually inferior
See that’s another thing too c those people whose hair is washed everyday have pain too. Their lives are far from perfect. They have moments of depression too. Maybe (and just cause they don’t have the patience too not cause their inferior) they practice washing their hair like u practice ur writing skills when u started writing in school everyday like they wash their hair everyday mabey that’s THEIR greatest accomplishment lol! And again Einstein and Cobain both had plenty of days where they didn’t even shower in other words it’s like eye said b4 hygiene is probably their greatest passion. Also with the artistic (feminine) personality eye possess many people try to put me down. Eye know however that that’s the only way they can validate themselves in the presence of greatness so eye just tell them and the voices (in my brain) that and don’t give a fuck about their jealousy. Eye don’t let the haters control me because eye don’t give a fuck. If ur greatest accomplishment of the day is going to the bank own that! That’s more than some people do oh eye forgot they washed their hair that’s infinitely harder than getting the keys opening the door putting the keys in the ignition starting the car magically (and eye say magically cause damn do some people not drive properley) not get into an accident park the car get out ur atm card…. Yeah it’s a lot harder to lather rinse and repeat lol. So once u stop looking at things in levels or at least in my case once eye started realizing that making a cup of coffee is just as amazing of an accomplishment as jammin on the guitar eye started feeling alive. After all eye didn’t always know how to make coffee either but that’s another topic. Drugs like caffeine or the 🐜 eye depressants ur on. They don’t help ur depression or anxiety cause there not weed. It used to be illegal to help a black person escape to the north b4 the civil war so fuck legality end ur slavery to anxiety and depression 2 tokes at a time only if u get potent shit that is. Feel free and this goes out to all who wish 2 contact me 2 do so Ciao
I saw this post referenced in the book, and I had to find it online and give it another read… I can identify so strongly with these feelings. I have anxiety and depression, and I’m a people pleaser, which leaves me drained, and I don’t know what’s causing me to feel exhausted all the time (probably just being constantly anxious and in “flight” mode, idk), but I can not function some (most) days. I manage to get to work, but I’m falling asleep at my desk, and then my high ideals of going to the gym, getting groceries, cooking a healthy meal, changing the cat’s litter, and taking a shower before bed are replaced by going home, making pop corn in the microwave, and falling asleep to another episode of Kitchen Nightmares. I still feel like an idiot teenager who can’t care for herself (even though I’m 28), and I feel like I’m drowning in my own inadequacies, and it sucks. But it’s good to know that I’m not the only one (not that I wish this on other people).
I needed to read this tonight, I just googled “unhappy SAHM chronic illness.” You don’t need another response, 4 years later. But I started typing and my part-Persian pretty boy dumb-jock cat won’t stop head-butting my boob and drooling on me, so I refused to stop writing out of spite. He can’t force me to give him affection.
I have 1 day where I feel like I accomplished much, and that is usually undermined by knowing everything that hasn’t been done, what I feel like I’m failing at, how I’ll physically feel the next day. We played a game the kids got from a kids’ meal, dinner “conversation starter” cards. Questions like “Name something you did you are proud of” and “When were you really happy last?” Well crap, I kept subtly skipping. I can’t tell my kids I’m not happy, ever, even with them. It doesn’t have anything to do with them, but I haven’t done anything I’m really proud of in years. I feel “lucky” that I don’t have severe forms of my chronic illnesses, ADD, anxiety and depression have insurance through my husband (with pitiful mental health so I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist). But it doesn’t change that I didn’t plan to be a SAHM, have a college degree, am alone all day until I get the kids (who have mental health and physical needs). When I try to take on new things, I get sick. I’ve withdrawn from all commitments to get my health stronger–the things that gave me some fulfilment. Any SAHM friends I had now have kids in school, they’ve gone back work.
I don’t think most people feel this way, they usually can’t empathize or it frightens and worries them. If I have a moment where I start to feel accomplished, it’s eclipsed by “will I ever get to be productive and accomplish more than this ever again?”
And I’m pretty. That’s one thing. At least I’m givin’ it to the patriarchy. My adrenal disorder and connective tissue disorder are under control enough to where I’m back to my svelt, 5’10” blonde look from my 20s. The botox injetions for my chronic migraines gives me a youthful glow–and not bedbound 25 days a month. What am I doing with it? Not shaving my pubes, pits, and legs baby! Gonna teach my daughter and son that hair on women isn’t gross while I’m still the most beautiful woman in the world–and I still turn heads everywhere. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. So maybe I can accomplish one thing by doing nothing, every day…
I came across this today, and I know you wrote this blog years ago, but I thought I’d add my two cents. I feel the same way all the time, even more so being single, unmarried, no kids, while my two older brothers have all of that. My accomplishments include getting to work, coming home, eating dinner, maybe exercising (sometimes), doing dishes and laundry, writing a bit (also writer’s blocked most of the time). Entire weekends go by often – too often, where I’m alone from Friday evening to Monday morning. I may venture out and do groceries if I’m not crying in bed or glued like a zombie reading stories on the internet while trying to escape the whirlwind in my head of put-downs and you-should-be-doing’s and the why-can’t-you-make-a-decision-and-just-do- something… anything… Then sometimes, i’m fine. Sometimes I stop and think, ok, here’s what I’ve accomplished in life… pretty similar to most other people.
And here’s where the trixy part lies…. We see so much on tv and movies, where time skips make it look like a person got a week’s worth of adventuring done in under an hour. We see people at their best all the time on the internet. And yeah, everybody looks so damn shiny. But you know, those women, who you might think are just so put together at the PTA meetings… ok yeah.. they may be a little more put together, but other than getting dressed and make-up’d and showing up for the PTA meeting… maybe they didn’t do much else that day. Maybe all they did was get dressed and go to a meeting, then drove home and ordered dinner in. Who knows.
Now I’m not saying that this is what you’re doing. I think there’s more to it. But at least for that part, the trick is not to look at the people who you think are “the best” at everything. It sounds like you compare yourself to others at least somewhat. And why not. it’s so easy these days. We once lived in small communities, and each person had a role, the shoemaker, the bread maker, the blacksmith, the farmer…. each person had a job to do, and in that tiny environment, they were the best at it. There was no one else to compare themselves to in that small village. Now in this global media sized village, we are swamped with images of others being better than us, achieving more than us, and just looking all fabulous doing it.
I myself compare all the time, and it makes me miserable when I do. But sometimes, I’ll stop and even write down things I’ve accomplished… the big things… and the daily things… And I find that the it helps so much to not make myself feel like I’m not a worthy human if I don’t do a laundry list of five big jobs in a single day. All we, as humans, really need to do each day, is eat and drink, sleep and poop. Those are the basics. Everything else after that is icing. And yeah, some people are great at doing all that extra icing. They don’t get caught up in thoughts or feelings or apathy… they just kind of go… huhn… I’ll just do this little project right now, and off they go. Out to the store to pick up what they need, and that’s all they do, that one thing, until it’s done.
I tell ya, whenever I do that, and I do, I feel fantastic. Just one small thing a day. It’s key, not to overload ourselves with what we think we should be doing. So just give yourself small tasks. Like when I’m writer’s blocked… I won’t say, i have to finish this… I say.. I’ll just take a look at it, and see if I can write a few lines. That’s enough for now.
For other things, I also find it helps to look around, write a few things down, little projects, even tyding a small corner for five minutes counts… And it’s really incredible how it makes you feel… accomplished. And over what? Cleaning a little corner?
Ok, I know I had more to say, but I think I’m rambling and likely being unhelpful. But it’s 10:30 am and I’ve done squat but make a cup of tea, change one line in my novel, and call my father this morning. I’m going to have a shower now, and that’s a big deal.
I guess I’ll just say, that we are always so damn hard on ourselves. Give yourself a hug. Know that you don’t have to be shiny to be great. You do more than many many many other people and you just need to look (if you must look at all) in the right direction. At normal everyday people who are just like you. Because we are, just like you. xo
I totally get what you’re saying. I know I am a good person but I see my flaws sooo clearly. I don’t feel like a successful adult. Thanks for listening!
Okay, so I know this is way past due and things are probably different now, but I read this post in your book and I felt compelled to write to you about it.
In 2013 you had a ridiculously successful blog. So, in my estimation that shows EVERY. DAMN. DAY. how successful you are.
You feel successful 3-4 times a month… that’s more than ANYONE I know! I feel “successful” maybe twice a year. Which, I’m more chill about now. I’m European (but live in the USA), so perhaps that’s that American “gotta kick butt and take names on a daily basis thing.” Or perhaps it’s age, because I definitely wasn’t as chill when I was younger…
In reading your book, I wanted to share a little of my story with you. I spent most of my life plagued with mystery debilitating illnesses, with severe anxiety, depression, autoimmune, chronic lyme, an inability to concentrate on anything, intense brain fog… I’m so sensitive to EVERYTHING that I refused medication at every level possible. I wanted them, but every time I tried anything I would get horrendously sick, so medication just wasn’t an option. I then started to read books like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Conversations with God by, well, God haha… transcribed by Neale Donald Walsch and they changed my life (I am NOT religious, and reading these books made me more non-religious haha). They made me realize that I was identifying with being mentally and physically ill. My ego had attached onto this identity and what that identity “did for me.” I realized how my story was that I’m the ill person, the unsuccessful person, the person who thinks too much about the past or the future, when all we have is now. The person who thinks everyone is upset with her about something. The person who can’t function. The person who’s totally unloveable. And I put all their ideas into practice and it literally changed every aspect of my life. Over time, my pain went away, my anxiety, my depression, my illnesses… None of it was real. It was all created by me. From past, from future and from present. I’d dipped in and out of these books before, but I’d never been ready to understand them. I must also add that I did teach myself natural medicine and experimented with a lot of different herbs and natural remedies over that time – may of which were life changing – a hefty combination of amino acids helps my brain fog and depression IMMENSELY.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m by no means perfect. Faaaarrrr from it. I mean, I’ve been writing a blog for 5 years, but haven’t had the guts to post a single thing (despite paying for the website for ALL that time. Fuckety fuck). I have a career where I’ve only booked 4 jobs in 20 years, despite being highly qualified. I eat the wrong foods and suffer for weeks, but now I am fully aware of what’s happening and why (most of the time). I have more peace with my “lack of success” and it is what it is. I still have moments of extreme anxiety or depression (once in a blue moon), but then I just say “thinking” and remind myself that my emotions are a response to my mind, and I am working on mastering my mind, so my mind isn’t controlling me any more.
I’m not saying this to be a dick, or to give unsolicited advice (I fucking hate that shit), but just to share a story. We’re all different and I don’t know you at all. But I just really felt compelled to share a fragment of what I’ve learned. I always said “I don’t want to be ill any more,” but it was many years until that statement really became true for me. I now work with plant medicines, which have helped so much and taught me an immense amount. I love listening to interviews with Zach Bush – if you haven’t heard of him, definitely check out his interviews on the Rich Roll podcast.
Okay, I’ll shut up now. Wishing you well with lots of unicorn farts and fairy dust and cupcakes. xx
I just tried to delete that comment as I really didn’t want it to sound like some kind of comparison thing or whatnot. It’s really not. I just felt compelled to share and now I feel like a dick. haha…
I also just watched your TED talk and, quite frankly, YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
Your stories have saved so many lives. Every day they’re helping someone and it’s so wonderful that this madness of the interwebs can have this wonderful healing power.
Also, your dress is DA BOMB and I want it!!!
Fake hair just don’t care. 🙂
You’re perfect just the way you are. x
I rarely ever feel successful, what with the little voices and the gender dysphoria.