None of you are allowed to have monkeys.

Every month or so I check my analytics to see what people are searching for when they find this website.  Today I decided to look at all the search terms that started with the word “How”.  These were my personal favorites.

The number of times people asked really confusing questions that lead to my blog:

“How do I buy a monkey?” (147)

“How tall is Lou Diamond Phillips?” (42)

“How do I get my husband to stop constantly posting on Facebook?” (23)

“How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?” (22)

“How to make zombie armor” (15)

“How to get someone to beat you up” (12)

“How to stop being an asshole” (11)

“How to pronounce caulk” (10)

“How do you say Please dont vacuum the wasps in Spanish?” (7)

“How to make a termite costume” (5)

“How do I know if I’m in a coma?” (5)

“How does my cat feel about me?” (4)

“How much blood is in my ear?” (4)

“Can the Today Show hypnotize you?” (2)

“How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?” (2)

“How to buy a nice monkey?” (2)

“How to get your friend to stop talking about Doctor Who?” (2)

“How to make sure worms don’t come in your house?” (2)

“How big should the pot be to scold a dead rooster?” (1)

“How does one even simply walk into Mordor?” (1)

“How much money is ten dollars worth?” (1)

“How to make a unicorn out of recyclables” (1)

“How to strangle a monkey” (1)

“How to settle down a bitey snake” (1)

“How to tell if you have a weasel in your room” (1)

“How do you spell peanice?” (1)

Conclusion:  People really shouldn’t own monkeys.  Also, dead roosters almost never respond to punishment, and I’m pretty sure worms can’t come in your house if you don’t invite them in.  I might be mixing worms up with vampires.  I do that.

321 thoughts on “None of you are allowed to have monkeys.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t want to know how they got to me, just that they did. At least for now.

    If I did look I am sure it would be something like,

    “How do I not kill someone during my PMS monthly lady time.”
    “How to procrastinate at the highest level.”
    “How to take 8,000 pictures of your cat and NOT feel like a freak.”

  2. OMG. I am so glad you posted this – I am now scouring your blog for the answer to “how can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard.” THANK YOU.

  3. Oh, and I totally had to say out loud “Peanice” and then I got it. When I read it I thought maybe it was a town somewhere in the South of France.

    PS. I am horrible at Geography.

  4. Suddenly feeling incredibly inadequate about the questions I want answered, mostly though, I’d love to know why every time I don’t swab the toilet seat with tp in advance of sitting it is wet, but when I do swab, it’s always bone dry. Why?

  5. There are instructions for how to make a termite costume on this site? What a fabulous coincidence–that’s what my 8 year old told me he wants to be for Halloween this year. (Yeah, we’re having him tested.)

  6. “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?”
    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Or maybe I shouldn’t ask.

  7. I have a long-standing policy of never buying monkeys. Whenever I need one, I grab it from the pet store & stuff it in my shirt. The staff sees the writhing in my torso & figures an “Alien”-type creature is about to burst forth, & runs away in fear. Usually the monkey doesn’t rip my flesh apart that much before I can remove him from my shirt (though I may need to employ the advice on “How to strangle a monkey”).

    Try it on your next monkey-shopping trip!

  8. How does one say “please do not vacuum the wasps” in Spanish? Why would one need to say that, in any language? I feel it should be a universal truth that wasps are something you DO NOT want to vacuum.

  9. I love this list, I mean how did the hamster get jet lag. Maybe he simply walked into Morador or talked about Doctor Who so much that his hamster friends flew him somewhere. I think the monkeys were involved…

  10. I can’t stop laughing at “How to make zombie armor”. Don’t people know that armor will most certainly just slow you down and won’t be helpful at all in a zombie apocalpyse?!

    (That’s why I recommend cardboard zombie armor. It’s hard as shit to bite through cardboard. ~ Jenny)

  11. I’m pretty sure that if someone wanted their friends to stop talking about Doctor Who, they were very unhappy when they found your blog.

  12. It only bothers me slightly that someone else was looking to find out how to make their vagina look bigger in a leotard. I thought I had that search term all wrapped up.

  13. Very, very interesting. And insane.

    I’m off to see what happens if I search: “How do I find a scolded rooster that ate a hamster with jet lag while fighting zombies and eating roasted unicorns.”

    I’ll let you know what i find.

  14. Those are fantastic. “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?” and “How do I know if I’m in a coma?” (5) have me just stunned. Also kinda wondering if the “buy a monkey” person managed to get one and now is at “strangle a monkey.”

  15. Even if dead roosters DID respond to punishment, I’m really struggling to figure out what pot size has to do with it. Also not sure what kind of pot we’re talking about. Cooking pot? Weed? Also, loving the Keith and Chantal reference.

  16. You should do a post answering all the random ass questions that lead people to your blog. It would be hilarious. People find mine by googling oods, apparently.

  17. I was most confused about “how to make a termite costume”. At first I was thinking “why would someone try to put a costume on a termite?”. Then I realized they want to dress up like a termite themselves. I’m still half asleep. Although, dressing up like a termite would require too much explanation (no, it’s a termite costume…). Too much trouble in my opinion…

  18. Several friends and I were discussing re-caulking one friends bath tub. I said she needed a caulk pulling tool. The other people kept asking me what kind of tool was needed. It took me three repeats before I realized why.

  19. I would have expected people to ask about making their vagina look smaller in a leotard, not larger. Now, don’t I look silly?!?! I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life!

  20. Bwhahahaahhaha….and also, what the hell does peanice even mean? And why in the world would someone want to scold a dead rooster? With a pot? Seriously? It’s dead dumbass, you missed your chance to scold it with a pot. Also, I”m shocked that the person who doesnt know how much 10 dollars is worth does know how to spell worth. Yah. I’m feeling like a Rhodes Scholar after reading these! Now then, I have to go stop whomever is making zombie armor.

  21. Still stuck on: “How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?” I don’t know what prompted it, but it’s a good question. How DID those damn hamsters even get jet-lag? On the red-eye from Tokyo? What?

  22. I like how these two are mutually exclusive:
    “How to get someone to beat you up” (12) / “How to stop being an asshole” (11)
    As in, if you stop being an asshole, no one will beat you up. I think Ghandi said that once.

    Thanks for the LOLs!!

  23. “How do you say Please dont vacuum the wasps in Spanish?” (7) Seven people?

    (I’d like to think it was the same person googling it seven times and just hoping that eventually they’d find the answer on my blog. Otherwise I feel like I need to find these seven people and set them up together. ~ Jenny)

  24. “How to get someone to beat you up” (12): Be an asshole.
    “How does my cat feel about me?” (4): He thinks you’re an asshole.
    “How to stop being an asshole” (11): Spoil your cat.

  25. Sometimes, I think Google is just a giant troll… and puts these types of things into analytics just to get a rise out of us…

  26. I used to answer questions for Cha-Cha. Your list illustrates why I had to stop. All day. Every day. These kinds of questions. It was just more than I could take…

  27. I want to make band names from some of these queries. Jet-Lagged Vagina Hamsters. Dr. Who’s Peanice Won’t Stop Talking. Monkey Leotards. Termites in Comas. I’m envisioning accordions, kazoos, a harp or didgeridoo based on size of touring vehicle, and a cult following. 😉

  28. I know why they found the wasp in Spanish thing here! It’s in that comment love post. OMG I know your blog by heart.

    I aced The Blogess Trivia Quiz.
    Which I just made up.
    There should totally be a Bloggess Trivia Quiz.

    Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!

  29. God, I love it when you do these posts. I’m guessing that the people who wanted to know about comas were maybe the same ones who wanted to be beaten up? Though how they ended up here is more a mystery.

    Also, say cock and caulk aloud. There really are subtle differences in the sound. I just amused myself for two minutes doing it.

  30. I want a monkey. Could you put the link for that on your home page so we can find it easier? I’m good with my vagina though. Don’t need it to look any bigger. I seriously hope it doesn’t do any looking at all. That would be really creepy if your vagina started looking at things and was all like “I can’t believe she wore THAT while buying a monkey”. That’s assuming that if your vagina can see than it can talk also. Now I don’t trust my vagina.

  31. I’m going to create a game in which each player or team has to come up with a story that makes each one of those questions legitimate and valid. I’m thinking the vagina/leotard one will be the bonus round.

  32. No one cares how to tell if there is a weasel in your room?? PEOPLE! there could very well be! Fortunately here we are, finding out. As amazed as I am to have found such a group of witty and clever people, I am more amazed about the half wit’s and the nit wit’s. 😉

  33. I love when you show us some of your analytics search terms! I really wonder how those searches result in sending them to your blog? I’m thinking that maybe search terms are really just Google rolling the dice and then giggling to itself. Although I do understand how someone got here asking about a bitey snake. 🙂

    Thanks. You started my day on a high note!

  34. Presuming the government really doesn’t have anything better to do than monitor a ragtag Internet tribe, I’d really hate to be the unsuspecting data analyst trying to make heads or tails of THAT list and weigh the threat to national security.

  35. I think the “scold” a rooster one was supposed to be “scald”. As in what you do before plucking one.

  36. So sorry to comment again, but I couldn’t help it. Literally. I was looking at my page and saw a search engine, with the following, sent someone to my page.

    cyrus chicken but

    SCORE!

  37. Also, pretty sure the wasp one refers to removing wasps with a vacuum cleaner – just saw an article about wasps in our local newspaper. The Spanish is for one’s Mexican gardener, natch.

  38. Clearly there is a considerable market for leotards which make your vagina look bigger.
    You should be adding this to the purchasables on your site.
    I can just see the informercials for it now.

  39. Fun fact: Worms can come into your house uninvited. Our town house has a finished basement with sliding glass doors to the back yard. There are drainage holes in the track. Whenever it rains the worms come in. And can’t figure out how to get back out. Because they’re stupid, stupid creatures. So then they die on the carpet. they shrivel up and dry out. And then I step on them. Ewww. I’ve also seen tiny salamanders and once a baby snake. I will not disgrace myself by describing my reaction to the snake. I don’t care that it was a baby. It didn’t belong in my house! Bastard!

  40. I think these search questions are less a reflection on you (because you are hilarious and totally sane despite how the searches make it look) and more a reason for us all to be afraid to leave the house.

  41. All five of the individuals who came to you because of “How do you make a termite costume?” They came from me. You’re welcome!

    I had to make a termite costume for my younger son a few years ago, and posted about it. Termite costume is in my top five searches, right behind, “What does the tooth fairy really look like?”

  42. Instead of “be nice,” I’m going to start saying “peanice.” Especially to my kids, because they can be dicks sometimes.

  43. I am responsible for at least 7 of the inquiries about how did the hamsters even get jet-lag. I like to read that one aloud to unsuspecting friends.

  44. I now have a mental image of someone wearing a termite costume while vacuuming wasps. Someone is lurking on the periphery of this scene with their phone open to Google Translate and struggling to pronounce the Spanish equivalent of “Please don’t vacuum the wasps!”

    Hahaha. This image will make me laugh all week!

  45. I’m torn between being very amused at the increasingly interesting ways curiosity presents itself and losing that still small spark of faith I have left in humanity.

    My struggle…

  46. The only thing I can come up with for how to make your vagina look bigger in a leotard is camel toe. So I guess that mostly has to do with a tight leotard and not wearing underwear with it.

  47. so, I googled “How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?” and discoverd if you give them Viagra …
    What it says is this, “Apparently, they are doing tests with hamsters using Viagra – this is supposed to cure jet lag. I have a vision of horny little hamsters running around an aircraft on a transatlantic flight for some reason. This must be wrong, and on so many different levels”
    I think monkeys are the least of our worried here.

  48. I’ll bet somebody got a snake to get rid of the weasels and worms in their bedroom. Then the snake got a little to bitey after devouring all the weaselworms. If you can’t feed your weasels people, just don’t buy ’em 😉

  49. I have never looked in a mirror and thought, “Gosh my vagina looks tiny. How can I fatten it up?”. Maybe I am not wearing enough leotards.

  50. I hope that none of the folks Googling how to buy a monkey are not the ones subsequently asking how to strangle one. I have to say my favorite is “How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?” because I can totally hear a teenage girl saying that.

    And hear I thought I was getting weird stuff with people coming to me because of “yaoi” and “pony porn.” I give up. You win the interwebs.

    The game.

  51. I’m thinking some of those searches are linked. Obviously someone did his research and considered a long time the correct way to get a monkey…and then there were problems.
    –How do I buy a monkey?
    –How much blood is in my ear?
    –How to strangle a monkey
    –How to buy a *NICE* monkey

  52. Wow, and when you google “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard” Your blog is 3 out of the 4 of the top answers. Ok i must stop googling now … i am just proud to be part of the shenanigans with you!

  53. I love this! My brain starts trying to figure out what they really meant, and then just laughs because sometimes ….. ::headtilt:: yeah, not gonna make any sense.

  54. My grandparents have a monkey. She’s 27 years old and has been evil since the day they brought her home. Trust me people, don’t get a monkey.

  55. I came to your blog when I googled “what does the license plate TPUBG U mean ?” And there you were ! I click on you and never looked back ! And you had the correct answser ! Bonus !

  56. I hope the 5 people who asked “How do I know if I’m in a coma?” figured it out. Makes you wonder what’s going on when 5 people ask this question.

  57. Some people are just bad friends – why else would they want you to stop talking about Doctor Who? They’re probably the same kind of people who want to buy monkeys and make their vaginas look bigger in leotards.

  58. Ok, I can’t stop laughing!

    How DOES someone stop being an asshole? I would like to know so I can pass it on to all the assholes I know.

    And really, why would anyone want their vagina to look bigger? What the hell is wrong with people? And I thought I was screwed up.

  59. At first I was certain that someone wanted to make a vagina appear larger on a leopard, which struck me as a really specific question about big cats.

  60. I’m off to Google “How do I teach my pot to scold a rooster.”

    Also, I have powerful need to read the Count Chocula post again.

  61. “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?”

    Is that a thing? I had no idea I had to be concerned with the size of my vag in a leotard. And from what angle? Like is it supposed to bulge outwards if looking at it from the side or just be big and proud head on? Is it just leotards or is size a concern in other pants? Or skirts? Would that even be possible in a skirt?

    So many unanswered questions…

  62. You know, I think you should take a stab at answering these questions. For all the people coming here to look for that information.

    It would be a public service really.

  63. It shouldn’t be *scolding* a dead rooster, it should be *scalding* a dead rooster. That’s what you do to get the feathers loosened up for easier plucking. Scolding is much funnier, though.

  64. Why would you want to stop talking about Dr. Who?

    Kelly W, I think you win the internet with “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?”
    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Or maybe I shouldn’t ask.

  65. For some reason “How to settle down a bitey snake” was the one that made me laugh out loud. And my family really needs: “How to get your mother/wife to stop talking about Doctor Who?” alllll because of you 🙂

  66. I’m glad one of your reader answered my question about hamster jet lag, because you never did.

    Now I’m off to strangle my monkey. I should have bought a nice one.

  67. Soooo… someone put on a leotard, looked in the mirror and thought to themselves, “wow, that’s not nearly enough camel toe?” Interesting.

  68. I’m stuck on the bigger vagina in a leotard. It’s more perplexing than this whole Syria situation and more complex than my 15-month old’s attempts at language.

    Having spent 17 years of my youth in leotards, I never once wanted it to look bigger. Ever.

  69. I’m interested now in how to say “please don’t vacuum the wasps” in spanish. I may have to ask my neighbor, but since our dog already ate her bird, maybe that would only make her wonder her fucked up neighbors even more. Sigh.

    I’m totally not touching the vagina shenanigans.

  70. If I ever built a search engine, there would be an automatic redirect for certain questions. For example, if you searched for: “How much blood is in my ear?” then the redirect would be to a page that says: “Go to the Emergency Room. Right now.”

  71. See the really, really weird ones that got more than 2 people searching for them? Can you somehow bring them together, because I fear the only place they’ll find happiness is with each other.

  72. I am most certainly not allowed to have a monkey.

    There are times I look at my stats and construct posts to answer some of those questions if they actually fall under my purview.

  73. If you’re going to ask someone not to vacuum the wasps, it’s always best to do so politely. Especially in Mexico.

  74. Is it wrong that I’d be happy if people just FOUND my blog? No matter how?

    Plus, are there really multiple ways of strangling a monkey?

  75. Actually, I’m pretty sure my dad once vacuumed a wasp nest, and it worked great for removing the wasps. But they weren’t in a hanging hive or anything, they built their hive underground and were coming out of a small hole in the ground next to the driveway. He used a 10ft pipe to pour something noxious into the hive, and then later used the big heavy duty shop vac to suck out all the stragglers. My dad’s a badass.

    Also, the search for peanice makes me think some poor little kid is going to learn some human anatomy when they finally figure out how to spell it. XD

    And I think that one person didn’t want to SCOLD a rooster, I think he/she wanted to SCALD a rooster. Spelling error, y’all.

  76. Personally, I feel sorry for the 2 sad people that are trying to get their friends to stop talking about Doctor Who. If they would just listen to their friend, they might find out about the greatest show EVER. I’m just sayin’.

  77. Omg! The things people ask Google is crazy, and even better that Google is just sending them your way! And why would you want your vagina to look bigger in a leotard?

  78. “How to settle down a bitey snake” wins for me. I wonder what the answers were?
    *pushes up sleeves*
    To Google! Ho!

  79. Ooohhhh. See, I got the whole zombie armor thing backward. I was wondering who would want to arm a zombie in the first place. Or maybe someone was just planning in advance of being zombified…
    Your way makes MUCH more sense.

  80. Did the person who submitted “How to stop being an asshole?” mean “how do I STOP someone from BEING an asshole? If not, that’s real progress and always the first step.

  81. But what does the fox say? Seriously. What DOES the fox say? Have you seen this? It’s kind of awesome.

  82. How to get you vagina to look bigger in a leotard…a bitey snake. Just saying.
    Funny on many levels in my head

  83. “How big should the pot be to scold a dead rooster?” (1)

    Surely just telling the rooster off should be sufficient!
    Oh… scald… gotcha

  84. You know, if you do spell it “peanice,” that probably would get around an awful lot of filters. Because, really, who spells it “peanice” anyway? Other than someone looking to buy a monkey to keep their jet-lagged hamster company next to their large leotard-covered vagina?

  85. Please don’t vacuum the wasps? In Spanish?! The searches for my blog all have my name, my name misspelled, or occasionally someone wanting to know how to make a lamp out of a cello. Why don’t the bilingual wasp vacuuming people ever look for me?

  86. I guess there are people out there who have vagina envy. Sad. Plus, I hear that aside from cardboard, duct tape also kicks ass as zombie armor…

  87. I’m going to go ahead and assume that every one of those search terms that feature 2-5 people requesting the same information is due to the possibility that one person was looking for it and google offered it as a fill-in for several other people after typing several of the same words in a row, and those people were all like, ‘Hey, how DO I know if I’m in a coma? Better to find out than learn the hard way!’ because those people were PROACTIVE about their coma state.

    People will look up anything if it’s suggested by google. I once was looking for toilet snakes (the kind you clean your plugged toilet out with, not those other ones) and out of context, well, it doesn’t look so good… Not that it did in the first place, what with me having to look up a tool to de-clog the crapper and all.

    Kind of a non-sequiter: My favorite off-color term for toilet paper is SHIT TICKETS. It’s so descriptive and disgusting at the same time.

  88. Damn. And I’ve always wanted a monkey.

    True story, a friend of mine posted a picture of a person who had a baby monkey, wearing a diaper, in Academy Sports. Not sure that’s really relevant to this post, but it was cute and yet frightening all at the same time.

    You know, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t own a monkey.

  89. “How big should the pot be to scold a dead rooster?” (1)

    Hey, the rooster is dead, don’t you think that is punishment enough? No need to keep scolding it after it is dead…

    Now scalding, on the other hand, takes about a 2-3 gallon pot depending on the size of said rooster.

  90. Being a spelling nazi, I’m most disturbed by this one:

    “How do you spell peanice?” (1)

    Unless you are looking for nice peas …

  91. 1. I say that some enterprising plastic surgeon had patented a new vagina enhancing surgery. The clever doc is now quietly laying subliminal suggestions out on the internet to build demand for larger vaginas.
    2. I’d hate to be a flight attendant on a plane full of horny hamsters.
    3. I think we should change the spelling of penis to peanice. It looks nicer and the extra two letters add length.

  92. “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?” —– why woulda person …..really…. really…. what the heck????

  93. Is the non-“how” one part of some kind of quiz? I NOTICED IT. Do I win?

    (Ha! Actually it showed up because “how” is in the word “show”. Google analytics is a bit fucked up that way. ~ Jenny)

  94. “How do I know if I’ll in a coma??? I’m pretty sure you’re not. Who would want to get their friends to stop talking about “Doctor Who”? Stay away from Mordor. And peanice is correct, unless of course the pea is mean…. OH, PENIS! Never mind.

  95. I think my favorite part of “How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?” is how the person phrased it. I mean, not “How do hamsters get jet-lag?” or just “Do hamsters get jet-lag?”. I imagine it read aloud like “HOW did the hamsters even GET jet-lag??”. Like someone could tell the hamsters were jet-lagged and had no idea how it happened. Which, really, leads to a whole mess of other disturbing questions.

  96. hahaha! This is funny. I JUST posted on Tuesday some of my favorite Google searches that led to my page and I gotta tell you…some of the things people look up on the internet is mother-fing DISTURBING!!!!

  97. What a coincidence, night before last. I dreamed I was butchering chickens and this one wouldn’t die, even after I had plucked him. He was just this little naked, goose-pimply, headless chicken running around.

  98. If I knew how to photoshop, I would, right this minute, change your Juanita Weasel photo of her with her hands in the air to say “MY VAGINA LOOKS HUGE IN THIS LEOTARD!!”

  99. Curiosity got the best of me. Translate Google insists that the stinging answer to the burning question du jour is: “No aspire las avispas”. Also, compared to pigtails and leather, one of my results, yours are far more hilarious and I am almost jealous!

  100. So 2 people searched how to make their vagina bigger in a leotard and 100 or so people have used the same phrase in a comment! Never in my life have I even thought about using those words together! Love it!!! 🙂

    Being a former 2nd grade teacher- the peanice thing didn’t even phase me. It’s when you get a math paper that has an answer that says- 10 penis that gets a response! Of course they were counting pennies! LOL

  101. “How did the hamsters even get jet-lag?”

    That’s…. oddly specific. Which hamsters? Where were they going? Do hamsters have a sense of time passing and so can get jet lag, or is that the question? If so, that’s an oddly existential question for hamsters.

  102. I think it’s appropriate that it’s suicide prevention month… the laughter from not just the post, but the comments, will certainly keep me going for at least a little while! Life is good. 🙂

  103. The buy a monkey person… they obviously found a monkey to buy, found out it wasn’t nice, went looking to find out how to buy a NICE monkey, and then realized that they have to get rid of the evil monkey, and decided that strangling the monkey was the best course of action and went looking for a how to instructional.

  104. Ok so for the people who are wondering how their cat feels about them, my answer would be to get a dog, because clearly they don’t understand cats. Cats see us as slaves with some snuggle potential. Anyone who doesn’t know this isn’t really a person to have cats.
    Now as to making your vagina look bigger in a leotard? Why? Just…..why? In what sport or fashion industry is a prominent vagina considered a winner?

  105. People really shouldn’t own monkeys! My Dad was always bringing home unusual (weird) items. Once he brought home a monkey who went berserk in my mother’s pristine living room. It was one of the highlights of my childhood!

  106. The how much is $10 and the coma ones are just unbelievable.

    I am pretty sure that a gun will calm a bitey snake right down, very quickly.

  107. I know this is unrelated, and a few posts late but….thank you for writing so candidly about you mental illness struggles. It’s refreshing and comforting. Love your blog, book, and you!!!

  108. Sad to say, I actually know how the hamsters got jet lag, and why as well. I even know, in theory, how to give a hamster (or any other mammal) a case of permanent jet lag.
    We spent several days discussing it in one of my classes. It was an essay question on the exam.

  109. Really hate to relate your witty and fun site to Facebook, but I think you should add “like” buttons to the comments. Some of them just make me want to say “yeah – what SHE said!” Maybe you could differentiate your own by making them “fuck, yeah!” buttons….

  110. I don’t know about jet-lagged hamsters, but my dad flies cargo planes and once had 1300 sheep that almost ended up dead from the fumes of their own piss. Maybe they were jet-lagged too.

  111. “How do you settle down a bitey snake?” is really one for the herpetology dept at your local zoo. One wrong move with a bitey snake and it’s years of reptile therapy…for it, not you.

  112. I think those rooster scolders are actually trying to scald the feathers off a dead rooster. They didn’t want anyone calling the Humane Society so they made sure to tell you it was dead before they scalded it.

  113. I like that 11 people have genuine interest in no longer being assholes. Kinda gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, ya know?

  114. I’m surprised no one has commented on how much money is ten dollars worth. I can tell you from personal experience it’s not worth ten dollars pssf.

  115. Soooo somewhere between wasps, misspelled anatomy, monkeys, and engorged leotards, people discover you…! I just found you through one of your crazy artist ex’s who insisted I read your book! so now I read your blog too! (lol) You can add that to your list of how your website is discovered! 😛

  116. Trust me. There’s no such thing as a nice monkey. There are only episodes when a monkey seems nice and you happen to see it then.

  117. I wouldn’t mind if you did a post on how to make unicorns out of recyclables. I love unicorns, and our bin is over-flowing.

    Oh wait; maybe you already did one and I missed it? Now I have to search. God I’m never getting to sleep tonight now, am I?

    xoxo

  118. I’m pretty sure I snort-giggle every time I read these. Although I’m also pretty sure the first time I found this blog was by typing something along the lines of “cute screaming dead animals”…. so no judgement.

  119. “How to get someone to beat you up” (12) “How to stop being an asshole” (11)- I really like that these 2 are almost even as if they are 2 sides of the same event that has happened 11 to 12 times.

  120. Let’s try this again. I had a monkey once. It bit the head OFF its plastic toy dinosaur and shoved wet monkey food down the neck.

    Much better.

  121. OMG. This is hilarious. And the fact that FIVE people wondered this is just plain scary. I hope they didn’t reproduce:

    “How do I know if I’m in a coma?” (5)

    This one makes me think you could start either a dating service or BFF service and pair up the people who posed similar questions, because these two grande vagine fans should definitely be leotard shopping in tandem:

    “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?” (2)

  122. I once wrote a blog entry about gun control and used a picture of a Glock. Like zillion hits from people looking for Glocks.

    That is seriously scary shit.

  123. I once wrote a blog entry about gun control and used a picture of a Glock. Like zillion hits from people looking for Glocks.

    That is seriously scary shit.

  124. I was going to make a remark about the Lou Diamond Phillips one but then they kept getting weirder and weirder so I just said “The Hell with it.”

  125. I want to yell at the guy who wants google to tell him how much blood is in his ear but he probably couldn’t hear me.

    This week someone searched “Dog Bayan Porn” to find me. Isn’t a Bayan an accordion? I’ve never written about accordion porn but now I’m intrigued. I’ve written about doggie douches, because that crazy shit is a thing, but no dog porn or Bayan porn. Sweet mystery of life…

  126. I don’t know exactly how those 11 people can stop being assholes (my guess is that they would miss theirs if it was gone), but on a related note they could instead join the Global Try Not To Be a Dick Movement on Emily Yates’ website.

  127. Here’s another thing to make your day: *this post* was blocked by my work’s internet filter for “adult content.” Not your whole website, just *this post.* 🙂

  128. I totally need to know how to keep worms out of my house because one TOTALLY CAME IN UNINVITED today. Seriously. It was gross. Could be because the Denver metro area has somehow become monsoon prone. So. done. with. rain. Also… if you can’t tell you have a weasel in your room, you may have bigger issues than a weasel in your room. Just sayin.

  129. There’s always buyers remorse when purchasing live monkeys. They either throw poo or eat your face off. Better stick to the plush kind of monkey.

  130. Lou Diamond Phillips is 6’1″. The Today Show most definitely hypnotizes people, and your cat loves you alive almost as much as it would love you if you were dead or in a coma. That’s why you should have Zombie Armor, or a Termite costume– as preventive measures in case of an evil worm apocalypse situation. Otherwise, you die, your ears fill with your blood, and your cat drinks out of it. You have to go to Japan to get vagina-increasing leotards, of course, but don’t bring your hamsters. They get jet-lagged. Also, don’t bring a monkey because you’ll want to leave it in the airport and suddenly commiserate with Justin Bieber– which will make you want to do the walk of shame to Mordor. You’re welcome, The Internet. 😉

  131. This post made me stop to consider how one would say “Please do not vacuum the wasps” in Spanish. I’d say, “No aspirar las avispas, por favor.” Same message, just putting “please” at the end. I had to look up “wasps”, but I got the rest.

    Maybe I’m a better Mexican that I give myself credit for.

  132. I feel ashamed of the boringness (yes, it IS a word…Google it) of the search criteria leading to my blog…

    In related news, this might be the shortest comment I’ve ever left on any blog…3 cheers for early morning stupor brevity! Take THAT all you editors that think I’m verbose!

  133. how to get your friend to stop talking about Dr. who, send them to the Today show to be hypnotized is my best bet.
    but really got my thoughts reeling when I saw the question “How does my cat really feel about me”—hmm well he crawls unto my chest, rolls up in a ball and falls asleep (cuddles and love) but then licks his ass and tries to kiss me (true nature or just an itch ?) so still not really sure on that matter!!

  134. I never, ever want to run into the woman who wants to make her vagina look bigger in a leotard. Perhaps she meant leopard? That is less frightening, some how.

  135. HAHAHA so I had to Google “How to spell Peanice” because, well you know, just because I HAD t,o know and this was one answer: “How to spell penis J-U-S-T-I-N B-I-E-B-E-R”

  136. I’m going back a few entries with this comment…I’ve had three friends (plus myself) all struggle with the same range and depth of emotional distress I’ve watched you deal with for years. All of us went to the doctor, all of us ended up medicated, and in the end it turned out we all had hormonal imbalances that we were able to fix fairly easily.

    I had high androgen levels that were immediately balanced when I started taking fenugreek pills. I went from anxious, easily angered, and self-defeating to confident and peaceful within 36 hours. Getting off Zyrtec was also a god-send; it made me irritable and ADD. My other friend (whose symptoms were really scarily close to yours…she was hospitalized twice, on suicide watch, and put on some really serious meds) had estrogen dominance, which was fixed within two days by taking maca root pills and eventually adding one DHEA pill per day. She went from lethargic and anxiety-ridden to feeling like herself again, and now only takes maca and has been weaned off her meds by her doctor at her request. Same story with my other two friends, one who has low progesterone and bought some DIM on Amazon that helped immediately, the other who had the same issue as me with high testosterone and took fenugreek and red clover and is now completely tolerable to be around instead of someone you want to throttle.

    All of us were tested and told we had hormone levels “within normal range,” all of us did our own homework because we suspected that while we might be “normal,” we certainly didn’t feel balanced and healthy, and all of us transformed our own lives. Depression lies, and honestly, so do tests that are meant to encompass an entire population of people who are all very different. What’s “normal” for lots of people can be too much or not enough for my system, and I haven’t found a doctor or medication stronger than my own body’s hormones. Just wanted to share our story because we all love your blog and book, and if this route helped us, maybe it can help you (or someone reading this comment), too. Sometimes all it takes to get out of our own way is a little balance.

  137. “Peanice” hahaha! People are so interesting. I’m quite surprised by all of the monkey questions.

  138. Holy shit the things people look for in Google is hilarious. Also, black is a slimming color so avoid that color leotard to make your vagina look bigger. Maybe small stripes.

  139. These searches make me want to start a blog just so I too can have fucked up analytics to see how people found it.

  140. “How to get your friend to stop talking about Doctor Who?”

    Kill them.
    That’s the only way a Whovian stops Whovianing.

  141. I just had a look at my search terms; one of them is “fat girl in a dress”. Well that does describe me, so fair enough I guess. I wear dresses 24/7 and write a plus size fashion blog so the search was kind of accurate really.

  142. pretty sure they meant “scald” a dead rooster …? like to make removing the feathers easier when one is starting a pot pie from Foghorn Leghorn walking around the front yard.

  143. Ok, if you want me to stop talking about Dr. Who, you aren’t really my friend, so just go away, and you dont have to listen anymore.

    So There. (sticks out tongue)

  144. Tears. On my face. From the laughing.

    But . . . if there are 11 people trying to find out how to stop being an asshole, that means there *is* a market for the book I want to write. Well there goes that excuse! I might have to actually write the damn thing.

    Also, how do you even tell that a hamster HAS jet-lag? Guess I’ve got some Googling to do.

  145. I was searching for pics of purple monkeys when I found this blog….I assure you the reasoning behind said search would take too long to explain and you’d probably lose interest. Instead I found a pic of a moldy stuffed monkey that you bought at a thrift store. Safe to assume that monkey has either managed to suppress its urge to go all stabby or escaped.

  146. What I’d like to know is how do you TEST zombie armor?

    “OK Tom, I’ve got zombie armor model #343 on. Now try biting my head. ow… Ow… OWWWWW! Ok, that didn’t work. Let’s give #344 a shot. Your turn to wear the armor and my turn to be the zombie.”

  147. I’m curious if the zombie armor is for people to wear to protect themselves from zombies, or is it for the zombies to wear to protect themselves from Daryl?

  148. my google analytics are so boring. it’s all about harry potterville and twizzlers having an expiration date.

    damn it. i have to write more about monkeys.

  149. Your google analytics searches are a lot more fun than mine. Although perhaps we both see a slice of life that most people aren’t aware of… yet. You are definitely changing that one post at a time.

  150. we have worms in our house- my daughter has two as pets. They live in a box full of dirt and once a week you give them some table scraps. The don’t ever scratch your furniture or bite the mailman and there are no cleaning, walking, or vet services required. Worms= BEST PETS EVER. Monkeys=not so good pet, unless you LIKE having poo flung at you and getting bitten. Which I’m sure is a thing for someone out there…

  151. Thank you, thank you THANK YOU. I am having a lousy day at work and needed a laugh. Especially like “How can I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard?” and wonder what culture those two people grew up in.

  152. Another reason people shouldn’t be allowed to have monkeys – they have herpes (at least the ones in Orlando do).
    Saw it on the news this morning.

  153. Comeon people; we know the “scold your rooster” is a spelling error. Just like “peanice” is.
    THAT’S WHY IT’S FUNNY.

  154. The rooster scolding one cracked me up…I recently spent a solid 5 minutes laughing about a Facebook post I saw that talked about “chicken coups” in my neighborhood attracting rats. Now THOSE are some roosters that could use a good scolding.

  155. i call foul.
    “How does my cat feel about me?” should have gotten WAY more than four hits.
    google analytics is obviously skewing your results.

  156. Ok…so on closer inspection….maybe they are just stuffed…not real stuffed…just pretend stuffed. But still very cool.

  157. It is impossible to pic a favorite from that list…..but How do I tell if I am in a coma is pretty darn funny!!!

  158. This nurse really loves “How do I know if I’m in a coma?” – I think I took care of that person.

  159. Once I fell while walking into the kitchen (try it, it’s doable), smashed my face against the corner of the refrigerator, and fell to the floor shrieking. After a moment, I was quiet, and my children, who have learned to stay back and not ask stupid questions like “are you ok?” (see the enormous purple lump over my forehead? no, I am not ok), didn’t make a sound. I lay there with my face in the kitchen floor grime, and couldn’t hear a thing, and my first thought was “I wonder if I am dead.” But I can absolutely assure you, at no time did I consider googling to see if I might be in a coma. Didn’t happen.

  160. I’ve been trying to figure out if they were trying to spell Pyrenees, Peaness (urban dictionary!), Peanut, or, in fact, Penis. Probably the latter. Peanice. It’s a nice variant spelling.

    Your list and all the awesome hilarious comments have made this a much better day than the bad news we got this morning would have suggested! Thank you!

    Hug your bitey snake. They might like you more than your cat.

  161. Oh my god I can’t stop laughing hysterically by those questions. My 16 yr old is threatening to whack me with the remote if I don’t stop.

    I was having THE worst week ever and was feeling horrible about life & I don’t think I’ve laughed at all.

    But for some reason ” How do you spell peanice” just sent me over the edge into laughing. Then there’s “How tall is Lou Diamond Phillips”. I mean WHY would you know? And I like ” How to tell if you have a weasel in your room”. Check to see if it’s wearing a wedding ring??

    Ahh thank you thank you thank you. Keep posting more like these so I can get through september. Please????

  162. Those are fucking epic… I am amazed at how many people get to my site by googling, “how to make a vagina milkshake”. I feel obligated to post a recipe because I feel like I’m letting these people down 🙁

  163. Bwahahaha! Bwahahaha! You and your tribe have such wicked awesome senses of humor. Rock on all you fabulous fellow Lawsbians!!

  164. I, for one, feel like it’s super important to make sure your vagina is of the right size, visually, in a leotard. If you don’t keep things proportionally sound…well…it’s chaos.

  165. re: “Plus, I assume people taste gross.”
    There is pretty good evidence ( ok, one piece of good evidence) that people taste a lot like SPAM. The places that SPAM sells the best, in the WORLD, are places that did eat humans before and around WW2. I suppose normal people don’t have questions about that, but i immediately asked “But SPAM is SPICED ham!” Would they prefer SPAM unspiced?” Which got me a lot of THOSE looks.

    Further maybe evidence: Human meat is called “long pig” among peoples that used to eat human meat.
    I SWEAR that is all i know about cannibalistic practices.

    Probably not related at all – the animal whose eyes work most like a human’s eyes is the pig. Maybe it all means something, maybe it doesn’t.

  166. Just wanted to give you a heads up for your next analytics. I was just looking up “Squirrel in wall” and it brought me to one of your older columns. Because right now I’m laying in bed listening to scratching inside the wall. Seems larger than a mouse, smaller than a chupacabra. Also, I’m not sure we have chupacabras in the Northeast, just the Jersey Devil. So, if you see that come up in your statistics, that was me.

    This is gonna be a long night…

  167. I just heard on Weekend Edition on NPR that giving hamsters Viagra will help them recover faster from jet lag. So apparently this is a thing now.

  168. one does not simply walk into Mordor. One prances like the 11th Doctor. And you can not get a Whovian to quit talking about Doctor Who. And if you are the friend that wants your friend to quit talking about his/her passions then you are not a friend. Take Lady Grantham’s advice and just smile and nod like you care or make room in that friends life for other friends of sympathetic natures.

    Jenny, I am beginning to think that your blog is the Repository of All Knowledge and Google just defaults here because of your wide scope of interests.

  169. My spammers are constantly telling me that my posts are full of “useful tips” or “helpful information” when I’m writing about nothing useful at all. Sort of like as if it’s a “how to” blog!

  170. I just have to say that your blog is such a source of genuine laugh-out-loud, coffee-out-the-nose, guffawing till I am *crying* that I want to thank you. I know that you have lots of days in a dark place but you are such a source of light and joy to me, and to many, many, *many* others. Thank you for being your true self, no matter how “to your own drummer” that is. We like your drummer. (Hey, everybody likes drummers.)
    xoxo

  171. Uh, I live in OKC and I have worms in my house! It’s pier and beam foundation and three steps are required to get on the porch, front and back. In the spring, I had to steady myself before turning on the kitchen light in the morning because there was always at least one making his way across the floor. They come in the back door somehow and I can’t find the gap. It’s better than the tree roaches the size of mice in Houston, but only slightly.

  172. I never heard of anyone wanting to make their vagina look bigger before. How liberating! Maybe we can start being competitive about the size, like me, as in, “Oh yeah? Well you could back a semi into mine!” …and so forth.

  173. Bev @comment 292, I am dying here . . . long pig, spiced ham, cannibals OMFG I am laughing soooo hard Thanks. My husband’s nickname is Spam (like the meat, before the internet) and he LOVES the stuff!!

  174. You realize I now need to search the actual answer to “How do I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard” question. Inquiring minds want to know.

  175. Oh no! What if I already have a monkey?

    Wait, never mind. It’s a human child. Female. Also likes bananas and climbing things – hence my momentary confusion.

    Everything’s fine.

    The monkeys can all just relax.

    Louise Curtis

  176. My site is most likely to be found by someone looking for “PTSD”, “Suicide”, or “Intelligence”. It’s kind of funny, but also depressing. I agree with the monkeys bit, though.. My house would be a total wreck if we added a monkey to the mix.

  177. 1. “no hoovero los waspos, por favor, spectacularrrrrrr.”
    2. Shouldn’t that be, “How do I make my vulva (yes, only Betty Dodson and I know it’s not ‘vagina’) look EVEN bigger in a leotard?”?
    3. If you scold a dead rooster sufficiently, do his feathers fall out from sheer humiliation?
    4. re: 2, is that what the husband keeps posting on Facebook?
    5. I’m pretty sure I’m in a coma.

  178. You’re missing the most important question: did people search for the answer to those questions, only to decide that your blog held all the answers to life, or were they using those questions specifically to find you?

  179. How to tell if there is a weasel in my room? Is my favorite! It must be one sneaky weasel for you to not know he is in your room!!
    You’re awesome by the way!

  180. I don’t even want to know how the hamsters got jet-lag. And “How do I know if I’m in a coma?” could be either a really stupid or a really philosophically intriguing question.

    This is hilarious. I’m going to Google some of these questions and see what other unrelated websites they lead to.

  181. I had to share. I finally looked harder at the analytics of my blog that’s been around since 2004.
    I could not believe my eyes- Porncicle – made the cut. I totally forgot writing about my mom’s sperm- ugly Christmas ornament for their annual contest. That was a good laugh. Now I remember why I started a blog in the first place. LOL

  182. After reading this list I am now seriously considering changing my last name (legally) to Peanice. I just want to see how people handle it.

  183. I’m kind of concerned about some of your readers now….at least we’re all as sane as each other! Oh, wait, that might not be comforting…

  184. Okay all I can do is laugh.
    The things people search for on the internet and you know everything they post is true. LOL

    Why would you want your vagina to look bigger………..

  185. I’m a bit disturbed by the worms one. I’m hoping they mean “How to make sure worms don’t come INTO your house?” because what they said is a completely different thing altogether.

  186. Por favor, no aspires las avispas!
    Never know why you would need to say that in ANY language.

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