RIP, normal conversations.

me:  It’s weird that everyone tweets “RIP” when celebrities die.

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  Because “RIP” means “Rest in Peace”, and that’s basically implying that they want the celebrities soul to not be tossing, or turning, or jogging, or whatever.    I mean, on the surface it seems like it’s a sweet thing to say, but it’s basically just them saying, “Don’t haunt us, famous person.”

Victor:  I didn’t ask for a follow-up.

me:  It’s just seems a bit self-serving, when you think about it.

Victor:  I don’t.  I don’t even really want to talk about it.

me:  It’s just a bit selfish, is all I’m saying.  If people really wanted to be nice they’d tell others to rest in peace while they were still alive.  Who doesn’t want to get some rest in uninterrupted peace?  That sounds awesome.  Best nap ever.  Naps are wasted on the dead.  They can’t even wake up and feel refreshed afterward.

Victor: Still not talking about this.

me:  Unless it was the zombie apocolypse.  Then I guess technically they’d wake up, but zombies never look refreshed.  Just the opposite really.

Victor:  You know, normal couples talk about the weather.  Or politics, maybe.

me:  OH MY GOD.  Maybe that’s what they mean by “Rest in Peace”.  Maybe it just means “Stay dead, asshole.  Don’t wake up and chew on my brains, because I need them.”

Victor:  Or religion.  We could talk about religion.

me:  But that’s kind of even more self-serving.  Plus, zombies don’t read twitter, and even if they did it’s not like they’d read “RIP” and be like “Oh, I should go back to bed.  A nap sounds really good right now.

Victor:  Zombies never nap.

me:  That’s the sad tragedy about zombies.  And THAT’S probably why they’re so grumpy.  Their heads hurt and they want new brains because their brains won’t let them sleep.  Maybe all they really want is some Ambien and Sleepytime Tea.

Victor:  Or we could just sit in silence.  I’d be okay with that.

me:  We should keep some Ambien in our emergency preparedness kit just in case.

Victor:  Last time you had Ambien I found you in the closet convinced you could see through walls.

me:  Yeah, it’s not for me, dude.  It’s for the zombies.  Keep up with the conversation, Victor.

Victor:  I’m trying so hard not to.

me:  And that’s why I’m so focused on our safety.  Because I have to think about these things for both of us.

Victor.  Do you think we’ll ever just have normal conversations?

me:  God, I hope not.

207 thoughts on “RIP, normal conversations.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You have totally changed the way I will look at The Walking Dead when it comes back in February. I’ll probably be sitting on my couch, singing a lullabye so they can doze off and RIP.

  2. Normal conversations are overrated.

    I just wonder if the dead people appreciate all the RIPs they get. Maybe you get afterlife coupons based on your number of RIPs. Or if they are like baseball stats.

  3. There’s a thought. One year my brother-in-law sent me half a case of chamomile tea for Christmas. I still have several boxes of it left. Maybe I should put some of it in some sort of emergency kit in case I need to help zombies get some rest. (Also still not really sure what message my brother-in-law was trying to send with all that chamomile…Rest in peace, maybe?)

  4. I hope not either. Because you’ve just given me an idea what to do with all of the leftover prescriptions: save them and use them as currency during the zombie apocalypse. I don’t have many diamonds to barter with, but I’ve got lots of pills.

  5. I think we should all adopt your statement of “stay dead assholes!” Now I’d love to see facebook flooded with that for a change!

  6. I think it pretty does mean ‘please don’t haunt us, I’d hate to have to rebury you at a crossroads and shove a stake in your heart, mate!’

    I kind of like ‘sleep well’. Same sentiment (‘Please don’t creep up behind me with a lust for flesh and brains’) but I like to think it shows I’ve thought about it.

  7. Maybe you should just keep some Nyquil rather than Ambien. The symptoms that are treated seem much more relevant to Zombies..

    Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching and in need of rest.

    Hey Zombie… when your brains hurt and you need a nap…. Nyquil is probably the way to go!

  8. I would love to have conversations like this with my partner. Way better than normal conversations. Or the ones where he pretends he’s listening and making affirmative grunts in the right places until I catch on that he’s just pretending to be in the conversation.

  9. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Your next book should be conversations like this. Hysterical!!! I think a zombie would be happy with an Ambien. lol

  10. My husband and I have conversations similar to these. He’s tangenting all over the place and I’m just trying to read quietly. Yours are funnier though. 🙂

  11. I always wonder that too. Why do we put RIP on Facebook when the dead don’t see it and none of the celebrities relatives don’t either. Sometimes I think it’s a competition amongst people to announce deaths first. Like you get a prize for the breaking the news first. Social media is so much fun! Before you’d just heard something on television and have to call all your friends individually. And say RIP out loud to an empty room…

  12. I’m a funeral director and it is taking every ounce of will power I have not to share this on our FH FB page.

  13. Me: Can I read you something?
    My boyfriend: No. I don’t like having things read to me.
    Me: But it’s the Bloggess’ new post.
    Boyfriend: Fineeee. Read me the things.
    *I read entire convo between you and Victor to him
    Me: You are Victor.
    Boyfriend: I am Matthew.
    Me: But you are Victor-y
    Boyfriend: Victory as in I win a lot of things? Yes.

  14. Ambien does weird things to people…like making you think you can see through walls. How can we be sure it won’t have weird side effects on the zombies? I’m just sayin’.
    P.S. I might know someone else who had a similar reaction to Ambien….maybe.

  15. This sounds exactly like the conversations over here. Only I’d have to replace Victor with my kids for our little scenario. Somehow saying that out loud did NOT make me feel better.

  16. Ambien doesn’t touch me, if you find my zombie, give it xanax. I’ll sleep like a dead person who isn’t a zombie. Except I’d be a zombie… shit now I’m confused. I think there’s a pill for that too. Something that aids in retaining your memory. I just don’t remember what it’s called.

  17. Rest in peace is a shortcut for when we want to say something good about the person death’s but don’t know what to say because we don’t know how to talk about death. So let’s talk about zombies. Yes.

  18. “Stay dead, asshole. Don’t wake up and chew on my brains, because I need them.” – Gonna tweet this for the next celebrity dies. Awaiting the media flak and trending when it goes public. TOTALLY giving you credit for it. And when I mean “credit”, I mean “the blame”.

  19. When will Victor stop playing the afflicted Ricky to your Lucy??

    I mean he knew he was attracted to you, they say “like attracts like.” So Victor really needs to admit he totally appreciates you’re Zombie attack Ambien home defense strategy . . . And he needs to know there’s a chance the Zombies would get him first, and you will be on by his side feeding him Ambien and not just twitting #Victor RIP to him . . .

  20. Everyone memorize this in case of Zombie Apocalypse:

    Rock a bye zombie
    Crossing the plains
    Please take a nap
    And don’t eat my brains

    Shuffle to sleep
    Loose snores from your lips
    And then we can end this

    (That? Was brilliant. ~ Jenny)

  21. @itzybellababy,

    My motto since Junior High School has been “normal is boring.” It wasn’t until I went online that I found more people who believed the same thing. Thank goodness for the online community! RIP Normal! (Just watch out for Normal coming back as a zombie!!!)

  22. I totally have these types of conversations with my boyfriend, but he willingly joins in. He probably would have been trying to come up with ideas to try to sign the zombies a lullaby or something. Hah!

  23. Can’t even begin to tell you all how delightful this thread is. And zombies DO nap–that’s how they surprise the wandering groups of people. (see Walking Dead)

  24. Did you see the cartoon of a house surrounded by treadmills as a Zombie defense mechanism? GENIUS…presumably zombies would just keep shambling along on the treadmills until their bodies rot away and their legs fall off.

  25. Ambien made me see fairies dressed as ballerinas. I’m not gonna lie. I kind of miss them.

    I think zombies could really use more fairy ballerinas in their lives. I think you’re on to something here.

  26. Thanks for the laugh! I hope that you and Victor never start having “normal” conversations 🙂

    Zombies on Ambien….. LOL!

  27. You and Victor have the best conversations ever, despite his attempt not to. (Although he did enter this one when he said zombies don’t nap.) I hope you never have normal conversations!

  28. RIP is actually from the ancient Greek, loosely translated: “Better you than me”

  29. Normal conversations are highly overrated, anyway. That’s the best part about finding the person you can be yourself with. Victor tries hard to sound long-suffering, but I suspect he wouldn’t have you any other way!

  30. Oh great. Now I’m trying to figure out if you could fight zombies with a general anesthetic. Oh, and appetite suppressants! Zombies are pretty harmless when they’re not trying to eat stuff. Somebody needs to make that movie…

  31. So, we should totally replace our RIPs with SDAs. I am all for it.

    “Today, I lost my beloved friend insert-name-here. SDA”

    Ya. I like it.

  32. Okay, look. A zombie’s brain hurts because he’s drunk. I mean, have you seen the way they walk? Their brains hurt due to constriction from brain dehydration. Your solution is to give your zombie a glass of water. Or spray some in his face.

  33. p.s. Ambien made me hallucinate that people were seated all around the walls of our bedroom, like in a doctor’s office. They must have been awfully bored.

  34. You have the world’s most patient husband. And, the world’s most entertained. Don’t ever stop giving us these fun looks into your mind.

  35. I’m all for the resting in peace while you’re alive. It’s sad but I can tell you the 5 best nights sleep I’ve ever had. And my best vacation ever included a day with 3 cat naps in it. Damn straight I’m good in bed, I could stay there all day.

    Oh and giant tardis cake, just because

  36. Ambien is awesome and if a zombie wants mine they’ll have to pry it from my dead fingers.

    Oh, wait, that may be just what they are hoping for, uh oh.

  37. *Note to self*
    – Add Ambien and Sleepy Time Tea to Zombie Preparedness Kit.

    Solid thought process there, and please don’t go normal. There’s no coming back.

  38. Sounds exactly like the conversations in my house, except I am Victor. My husband has decided he dislikes the toilet in the hall, so he was looking online at a larger option.

    Him: I found the toilet I want. It’s 10 inches high and you install it like a regular toilet.
    Me: What for?
    Him: I think it’s for toilet training, but it’s awesome.
    Me: We don’t have kids.
    Him: So what? I’m going to miniaturize the entire bathroom.
    Me: You’re 6’3″.
    Him: Still awesome.
    Me: Yeah, I don’t think so.
    Him: Well, what about this one? It’s only $5,000!
    Me: A $5K toilet? What does it do?
    Him: Same thing a regular toilet does, I guess. We should charge guests $1 per flush. It would pay for itself.
    Me: Except we never have guests. It would pay for itself in, like, fifty years maybe.
    Him: We should intentionally poison everyone who comes over, so they HAVE to use it.
    Me: I guess miniaturizing the entire bathroom for no good reason is a lot better than poisoning people so they are forced to use your five thousand dollar can.
    Him: Yay! I win!

  39. You should rest peacefully knowing that you and Victor are not even close to the only couples who have these types of conversations. I know my husband and I do as well as several of our friends. You are not alone.

  40. I wanna talk about Ambien and zombies with my husband. We actually do talk about the weather and religion. NEEDS MORE ZOMBIE.

  41. RIP while still alive. This is brilliant in the way that all naps are! I say we all nap now… 3…2…1 GO

  42. Thanks for sharing this slice of your life…made me laugh out loud because it’s so like my husband and me. Now I know we’re not the only ones!

  43. You got to look thru walls when you took Ambien?!? I feel so cheated all I did was make cinnamon toast. Well, that’s what my family says anyway.

  44. Do NOT take Ambien and then loiter in front of your computer. You ( or the zombies) will end up with shit you never knew you ordered. I had a dining room set delivered to me after an Ambien induced shopping spree.

  45. So, I think I may want to try this “Ambien” you are all talking about. Is that something I should talk to my “pharmacist” about? Seeing through walls and ballerina fairies sound fun.

  46. never ever have a “normal”conversation….do not become middle america..or me

  47. I’m going to take it as an awesome sign that we both have a post with RIP in the title. I use RIP liberally in everyday conversation (I think hubby wishes I’d stop – RIP hubby’s wishes). examples: RIP twerking, RIP YOLO, RIP jackass that just flashed his brights at me even though I was going 22 and the speed zone speed limit is 20, RIP Christmas ornaments, etc.

  48. I don’t really get the whole RIP saying either so I loved this whole conversation! And the fact that it was hilarious was good too. 🙂

  49. i like how, no matter how much victor *doesn’t* want to be involved in the conversation, eventually he gets drawn in. when he says ‘zombies never nap’, you’ve sucked him in. no matter how he tries to extricate himself from the conversation after that, it’s too late.

    you win.

  50. Victor conversations are my favorite thing ever.

    I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t get naps. Poor zombies.

  51. Best (fictional) service for the dead I’ve ever read included the memorable line: “Don’t come back.”

    It was from either “Lirael” or “Abhorsen” (by Garth Nix). They’re the follow-up to “Sabriel”.
    Lots of zombies of a totally different sort. When dead people refuse to stay dead, they become “The Dead” (How we’re supposed to prounce the capital, anyway?) and they come back and eat the living. It’s set back around WWI but in an alternate world where magic exists north of the border and… yeah. It’s a favorite of mine. I’ve bought it more than once and I’m about to buy yet another copy because I forget not to loan it out.

    And Garth Nix is Australian, so you get to read it with a Crocodile Dundee accent. Awesome all around.

  52. I guess wishing a dead celebrity to RIP on Twitter is better than all those people who wished America a Happy 2014th Birthday last week. With brains like that, I’d almost prefer the zombies.

  53. This conversation makes soooooo much more sense than the completely ludicrous conference call I’m supposed to be paying attention to right now.

    Thanks for the laugh. (I’m so glad I had my phone on mute!)

  54. My 6 yr old beat you to this one! For my husbands 31st bday in November, our son made him a card. It said ” Happy Birthday Rest In Peace”. The picture was a man meditating inside of a video game styled “room” with 1 entry ( think Old Zelda maps) and the walls were little peace symbols all lined up. We just laughed and laughed knowing that on your birthday the last thing you expect is to be told to “Rest in peace!!!”

  55. I always sort of figured Rest In Peace meant “Don’t wake up and claw your way out of the dirt to come murder me for unfortunate things I may have done to you while you were alive.” Or something like that.

  56. Jenny: I think when you’ve been together long enough, you can talk about anything. Eventually, you talk about everything:

    Actual text conversation between me n’ Jeff while I was on my business trip (names have been changed, including the chicken’s):

    Me: BTW, apparently Jim and his wife keep chickens now…and they had one that got an egg stuck and might die and needs prayers. Not making that shit up. The things people put on Facebook!

    Jeff: Wow.

    Me: Yep. People are effin’ weird

    Jeff: Totally messed up. How can you even type “Pray for my chicken?”

    Me: Try “Pray for my chicken’s prolapsed vagina.”

    Jeff: They wrote “Chicken vagina” on their Facebook page?

    Me: Not exactly…I think they called it a “vent.”

    Me (a second later): Oh, sweet Jesus! Do NOT Google “prolapsed chicken vent.”

    Jeff: Noted.

    Me (A bit later): Hey…they’re trying to decide whether it would be better to break the egg or soak the chicken in warm water and apple cider and then apply honey. Are they marinating this chicken already?

    Jeff: Have you taken your Ambien?

    Me: Maybe

    Jeff: Get off Facebook before you get yourself in trouble and go to bed.

    Me: The chicken’s name is Strawberry

    Jeff: Bed!

    Me: Fine.

  57. Not sure what’s better: the conversation between you and Victor or the comments (A+++ to the person who wrote the awesome poem, btw). Definitely made my morning!

  58. Trust me, normal conversations are boring. I practice it every day when I have to go in public places so the kid can play with other children and eat food.

  59. I always took “RIP” to mean “Hope you’re not in Hell.” Because otherwise, people say “He/She is in a better place.” It’s like, if you’re not sure you say “RIP”

  60. At our house, we have no Victor, so these conversations get reinforced and expanded upon until we’re all collapsed in helpless laughter.

  61. I love you. I laughed so hard at this I thought I was going to choke on my own tongue.

  62. “Last time you had Ambien I found you in the closet convinced you could see through walls:

    Victor is awesome. Bought the book and all… but Victor is so the victor.

  63. all I know is if I was a zombie, and couldn’t sleep I would love if someone offered me a sleeping pill and some sleepytime tea. so thoughtful!

  64. Jenny… I absolutely adore your sense of chaos and wimsy… (never knew those two could combine well untill hubby lead me in your blog direction..)
    It gets mighty cold dark and depressing here in the Yukon… I get giddy with excitement when I see a new entry on your blog that makes my day… this one is no exception. Altho, I’m the Victor in my relationship… so I kinda feel for the guy! bwahahaha… keep it real and keep writing!!!

  65. I’ve always heard that when you die the hope is to go to heaven “The Final Resting Place”. Eternity is a long dang time to rest. Couldn’t we party a little? Maybe play some games? I think we should change “RIP” to “POD” (Party on Dude). Cause seriously, who wants to sit around resting ALL the time? Sure, naps are great but how many can you take?

  66. Actually, I think the rest in peace really was intended to ask them to stay dead. But they were afraid of vampires, not zombies.

    What do you have ready for vampires?

  67. If Victor doesn’t appreciate your conversation, you can come to my house (or my daughter’s). We definitely appreciate non-normal conversation. And we’d serve some yummy dessert and coffee. Or whatever u like.

  68. I wonder what Victor would do if you turned around one day and struck up a conversation about the weather.
    What would he do? Ring the hospital?
    I’ve always felt sorry for zombies. They used to be people once after all.

  69. this is off topic but i need to throw it out there. i just receive a reminder call about going to see my psycho meds dr. my NEW dr. (the old one moved because her husband said move) and i am terrified. i know all my crap is documented but what they write is so physically different from what they see and what vibrates off me. i feel like i’m in a slingshot held by the crazy hand. i can get off lightly with just a feet first hit to a beer can on a post or i can get thwacked into an up close and personal big tree with arms and legs splayed out into the shape of an x. i’d like to take a larger dose of xanax but that kind of defeats the purpose and it also means i can’t drive and it’s 10 degrees outside…. so i am just staying in bed today, stewing. i figure by this time tomorrow when the crazy hand tries to shoot me off i should be down to just prune juice and won’t fly at all.
    thanks, jenny, you (and victor) lighten my day

  70. My favorite line – “Or we could just sit in silence. I’d be okay with that.”

    I never had such entertaining conversations like yours or the ones in comments 24, 69 and 96. And TechyDad’s poem was brilliant (as the Doctor would say).

  71. Funny! All of those who keep tweeting happy 2014th birthday America and the Earth on New Years Day will make up the zombie population.

  72. I recently thought I could see through walls but it turned out I was just Superman, but the good one, not the guy who killed Metropolis and cried when he snapped some dude’s neck.

  73. Phil Everly just died so I tweeted Bye Bye Love. I figured that was more appropriate than RIP.

  74. Things I have done when I took sleeping pills: read out loud to a roommate about Boudicca, made a list of over 100 names for a black cat in a note on my phone, had a long conversation with my then boyfriend about the bible while in bed with him, all in my sleep. So you thinking you saw through walls doesn’t really surprise me. Sleeping pills can be very helpful for those who need them, but they can create problems if not used in a very controlled environment.

  75. Ya’ll have the best conversations ever! Period! Most of me and my hubby’s interesting conversations have to do with imaginary people (my characters) not doing what I want them to do. Either that or they aren’t speaking to me. Seriously, I have a character who sits in the corner and glares. He’s a 1927 gangster. I should be afraid. Instead I just antagonize him because it’s fun. 😀

  76. Nice.
    I run Estate Sales and thus deal with people dealing with the recently departed all the time.
    My Sister is also an area manager for a funeral home company over 3 homes and two “gardens” as they call them.
    Guess we have dealing with death “in the family”.
    “When appropriate” I try my best at some humor to lighten clients up a bit.
    I may need to do some editing to convey this, but good stuff.

  77. this post is super weird and funny, but so is this. my new favorite thing, standing to pee! check it out. #NoGerms

  78. What if you don’t become a zombie and you actually become a ghost? Is that like the same thing? Like ghosts don’t eat brains, but they mess with your mind. And unlike zombies, they can walk through walls and hump you when you don’t even know they are humping you. So rest in peace is very self serving it’s like saying, “Don’t watch me shower and then hump me when I’m sleeping…”

  79. Thanks for an awesome laugh after spending a day being judged for putting the cat out! Who knew people cared SOOOO MUCH about Jennie? Funny, I got 2 donations and 3 offers of help from family and friends. Jennie is in for the night, despite the fact that I can’t breathe and I swear Buddy the dog was huffing my breathing treatment!

  80. I’m soooo trying not to laugh out loud right now and wake the kids! Funny as usual. I just want wine in my emergency preparedness kit and now that most are non-cork bottles I don’t even need a wine opener…BONUS!

  81. Zombies on Ambien. Its now a tie between this and Bea Arthur’s Corpse as our new band name!!!

  82. OMG, this _is_ the type of conversation I would like to have with a partner! This type of conversation may even be _required_ for future partners…

  83. I mean, define normal. And, I don’t think the dead give a rip about RIP, unless of course their souls ARE twisting, turning and/or jogging. Then maybe they get some comfort from all the well-wishes.

  84. My ambien never gave me xray vision, which is complete bullshit. I want xray vision. Except for at work. I don’t want to be able to see through clothes there.

    Oh god…now I’m gonna get nightmares.

  85. I worry that I will forever be alone, because *these* are the conversations I want to have with my significant other.

  86. Conversations like this just make me want to hug you guys.
    Which I can’t help but find unsettling because I would never actually do that in real life, because I’m too introverted and believe in space cushions and all that. But still.

  87. You really don’t want to give zombies Ambien.

    That stuff causes terrible nightmares.

    The last thing zombies need are nightmares.

    Fun blog. Keep up the good work.

  88. When celebs die, we either say “Wait, s/he was still alive?” or “How old? ::mental calculation:: That’s X points in the DeathPool, right?”

  89. This has nothing to do with zombies, unless of course their is a front-half only zombie cat out their somewhere, which is why I think you must see this.

    It just made me think of you. Not the ass part. The stuffed stuff hanging on a wall.

  90. i would just like to say I love you and I wish I had someone to have these conversations with.

  91. You know, you never can be too prepared for the zombie apocalypse. And ps, Victor pays you way more attention when discussing these matters than my husband…I’m a little jealous 🙂

  92. I always think RIP looks so final or like rip. either way, I think we should come up with something different like SID sleep in death? Nah. ROIH Rock out in Heaven? I’ll work on it….

  93. My son plays minecraft, our family has great conversations about Zombies, my 5 year old even chimes in. There’s been some great conversations. If only i could remember them and write funny stuff about them…

  94. I love when you post conversations between you and Victor. Missing my own husband as I do, reading Victor’s responses is so comforting. ….in that snarky, sarcastic sorta way I was so used to….and miss.

    That said, i think the Ambien idea is brilliant!

  95. My cat died tonight. He was 15 years old, and he had been very sick with feline aids for two years. Eleven months ago, the vet said he’d be gone within a week, but he just kept on keeping on. I held him for the last three hours of his life. He was in my arms when he went into final convulsions and his heart stopped beating. Damn it, Jenny. It’s your fault that I laughed through my tears when my mother said, “Rest in peace, Walter.”

  96. In the case of zombies, I think RIP can be taken literally, rather than an acronym, as in ‘rip thing to pieces’. Zombies are kinda stupid so they probably wouldn’t get the meaning and start tearing you limb from limb. You’ll have to be quick with the Ambien.

  97. I just love you! I can go to you for some definite laughs and smiles! thank you! xoxo

  98. The funniest thing is that Victor totally refuses to even acknowledge the conversation, except when he observes that zombies don’t take naps.

  99. This is just like almost every conversation I have with my fiance. Especially right before bed.

    And the zombie apocalypse is no joke! What if it spreads to animals? The world couldn’t handle it if every single species went zombie.

    If humans can become ghosts, what about ants?

  100. LOL that sounds like a normal conversation for you two I’m sure. I’d like the Ambien without the Zombie apocalypse please. If I could get it now that would be great – I think I need to get out of here!

  101. I just laughed so hard that I spat my lunch out on my laptop. Now my laptop smells like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. How am I supposed to explain that to the husband? I’m already not allowed to read your blog in bed because I wake him up when I laugh. One of these days he is going to lock me out of this site…

  102. Yeah, I don’t get that either. Plus I don’t like acronyms that everyone uses. I don’t LOL or ROTFL or SMH (I am not sure what that one means…so maybe I do in real life) And I’m sure not going to RIP.

  103. p.s. If you die before I do (which is really quite unsure since I imagine I’m the same age as you, but IF you do) I promise to write on all the twitter feeds that you will not be Ring in P

  104. I always thought rest in peace referred to the other common phrase of spinning in their grave. i.e.: Mozart must be spinning in his grave!

    You know, cause if you’re resting in peace, people aren’t doing shit that would make you spin in your grave…?

  105. Not sure if you read comments, but……………… I’d like to see a post about what else is in your emergency preparedness kit. I have a feeling it would be interesting.

  106. Um guys? The “2014th anniversary of the world” thing was a joke by a school kid. It just got re-tweeted and someone forgot to mention that the author writes humor. (Or is trying too — like everything else, humor takes practice. Any campus humor magazine has stupider jokes. Or at least mine did.)

  107. I’m not down with the zombie thing but I sure enjoy the interplay between you and Victor. Way better than brain eating zombies (those are called Tea Party aren’t they?).

  108. I think you would need an Ambien dart gun, because you don’t want to be close enough to the zombie to offer it a pill and water. Just a suggestion.

  109. Thanks to Marianne(comment #96) I had to look up “prolapsed chicken vent.” She’s right DON’T LOOK IT UP! I may never look at a chicken’s vjayjay the same way again. (Not that I am into looking at chicken’s vjayjay) Also all I can say is “ouch!” I thought I had it bad when I gave birth to my 9lb 8oz baby.

  110. Jenny,

    After 19 years of marriage to me, my wife has adopted a look usually reserved for war veterans and survivors of horror movies or a zombie apocalypse. Thanks to you, I can show her that she is not alone in her “unique happiness”.

    My thanks to you, dear lady.

    The Hook.

  111. I really wished that I could witness these conversations in real life. I have a feeling. That the two of you would make a ton if you went on the road. Just you a couple of chairs and a few examples of your best taxidermy projects. Really!

  112. I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw away the No-Doz and stock up on Nytol for the zombie apocalypse now.

    Once again, Jenny, you’ve saved my life. And my afterlife. Thanks!

  113. Victor is the perfect straight man for you. Thanks, I needed this. The cat peed in the bed again tonight and I needed a good laugh before going to deal with it. Then I will be peacefully resting.

  114. I wish I could inject myself into your relationship with Victor, but it’s so bloody well balanced…I’d just be this needy spanner in the works.

  115. When I hear things like, “ambien made you think you could see through walls.” all I ever wonder is whether it’s possible that you really could see through walls? I mean did Victor test you for x-ray vision during that small window of possibilities? There are plenty of times two people take the same meds and have totally different side effects. In some parallel universe I think anti-depressants turn people into super heroes.

  116. Two more T-Shirts, right there: “Naps are wasted on the dead.” and “Zombies never nap.”

  117. DH found me asleep in the bathtub with a spoon in an empty soup can. Brains probably would have tasted better.

  118. I think it’s really cool how you can interpret things in such interesting and funny ways. Keep blogging you are making the world a more interesting place.

  119. I think you need to add a mug or tshirt to your store that says “Zombies never nap”. Consider it a public service announcement.

  120. Sorry Victor, we love the conversations the way they are! Your suffering is noted. 😉

  121. So amazing. So amazing. Before I even had gotten to work, one of your readers emailed me with a resource for my friend who’s having the *spiritual awakening* and needs help in Connecticut. So amazing. I’m so grateful and so is she.

  122. speaking of zombies, you need to watch Warm Bodies! OMG I thought of you the entire time I watched it

  123. Thank you, thank you, thank you….I enjoy your conversations!
    Please tell Victor your conversations would be boring talking about the weather.

  124. The last time I had Ambien, I was found lying on my back, head hanging upside down off the bed, while telling the kids dancing around my head to quit singing.

    I feel you.

  125. I have to ask…does Victor buy xanax in the Mormon-Sized Containers?
    That smart-ass remark having been said….I really find this surreal conversation most amusing. I, for one, think that Zombies would probably have a much better attitude about reality if they were to take a long nap on a regular basis. I know it made a huge difference when my nephews were babies.

  126. ~Have you noticed that there are many Twits who use RIP to mean ‘Really Inspiring Person’?! This causes me SO much confusion as I think celebrities have dies when they haven’t.

  127. Or maybe the Zombies see “RIP” and they read it as message asking telling them to rip… and that’s why they’re always coming after us and trying to eat our bodies and stuff… because we told them to… Talk about miscommunication.

  128. I love how Victor attempts to kill the conversation by bringing up how normal people would interact. It’s like he doesn’t even know you. Resistance is futile, Victor. Just go with it.

  129. He totally started to participate in the conversation, though. Js. Also Ambien is wicked stuff. My FIL almost bought a pickup on craigslist that was halfway across the country. Luckily someone else beat him to it. Good times. That’s probably what the zombies are really after is the crazy/fun part of the Ambien. Guess I better get some for our emergency preparedness kit. You’re a freaking genius, Jenny.

  130. I’ve had a very similar conversation about RIP with my non-literary fiancee. It creeps me out that people use that term so willy-nilly.

  131. I used to think Ambien was the necter of the gods and then I stopped taking it properly. All you late night shoppers should be in bed when you take it not at the computer! Then I started abusing it. Why? Because it was hella fun! Problem is that shit has fucked up side effects.
    Including binge eating.

    Seriously. I would wake up to half a bag of frozen chicken nuggets on the counter covered in grated cheese and microwave popcorn covering the living room floor. With no memory of making this food, just a few kernels stuck in my teeth as proof that I ate it.

    So I’m not so sure slingshotting those blue babies into the mouths of rotting brain hungry corpses is such a great idea.

  132. i have always found the human race very weird, i am going to retire and become a potato

  133. Here is a conversation between my husband and me via email:

    Husband: You should make Francis draw Aloysius (Francis is a friend and Aloysius is our fish).
    Me: Francis is too busy to draw our fish… don’t you think?
    Husband: I don’t care. Too bad we aren’t good artists in that aspect — the adventures of Aloysius would make a great children’s book — and a colorful one at that.
    Me: I am a fantastic artist. I have been asked to illustrate a book
    Husband: What book? And when did you become a fantastic artist? Is this when you became a mermaid?
    Me: Have you ever seen any of my art work?
    Husband: I’ve seen doodles, which aren’t horrendous, but not what I had in mind concerning a picture of my son. And I saw your illustrated book about the boy who wanted to dance, but that was when you were a kid.
    Me: I’m going to have that book professionally published. I’m a mermaid.

    Here’s another conversation between us:
    So, last night we were sitting on the couch and he started whispering to me some nonsense. I have no clue what he said but my response was, “That doesn’t even sound like the voices in my head so I know it is you.”

    I’m pretty funny.

  134. Normal is just a word on a dryer.
    My daughter and I discuss the zombie apocalypse all the time. Maybe THAT’s why MY husband drives long-haul truck????
    I think Zombies would react well to Advil Cold and Sinus….then maybe they could make nicer sounds whilst pursuing you??

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