Werewolves never get mosquito bites.

Victor: I am eaten up with mosquito bites.

me: You totally are.  You look like someone graffitied all over you with Braille.  Or like you’re made of cat nipples.

Victor:  Those fuckers even bit me through my shirt.  I have like 20 mosquito bites on my back.

me: Do you have them on your arms?

Victor:  I never get mosquito-bitten where I have hair.

me:  So hair is a dense forest they get lost in?  Like your arm hair is trees and the mosquitoes are Hansel and Gretel.

Victor:  They must hate hair.  You never get bitten on your scalp, right?

me:  True.  We should make mosquito-deterring spray that just sprays fake hair on you instead of pesticides.

Victor:  I’d look like a giant werewolf.

me:  The bugs would avoid you.

Victor:  EVERYONE would avoid you.

me: It’s perfect for mosquito-attracting people and also for introverts who don’t want to talk to people at parties.  We could call it were-hair.

Victor:  Yeah, but people would mispronounce it…like “were” hair.

me:  But that’s okay because it’s like you’re a werewolf and it’s like what you would look like if there WERE HAIR all over you.  Double meaning.

Victor:  People don’t want to be covered in were-hair.

me:  Better than being covered in itchy cat nipples.  We are going to be so rich.

124 thoughts on “Werewolves never get mosquito bites.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. But not itchy cat nipples. I don’t want to be covered in itchy cat nipples. And that is also not a sentence I ever thought I would write.

  2. As someone who has been bitten by a mosquito on her scalp, I’m curious about the applications of this product on places that already have hair. So, if I spray this one, my hair will become thicker because I will have more hair? But would the were-hair be of a uniform length with my existing hair? Hope so, otherwise, I’d look like I had mange… but I wouldn’t have mosquito bites on my head, so maybe it’s worth it?

  3. I would welcome mosquito bites right now because it would mean the temperature was more than -9 and I would be sitting outside on my deck. I would not welcome itchy cat nipples though.

  4. As long as it wears off after a while. You could also use it as a lazy Halloween costume! Though I would imagine it would be quite embarrassing if it wore off mid-party. 😛

  5. Itchy cat nipples. Both hysterical and disturbing. And like Michelle, something I never thought I would write. Ever.

  6. I used to get bitten the fuck to death as a child, but not so much anymore. Conclusion: Skeeters don’t like whiskey. But I think werewolves do.

  7. seems like a legit cure for introversion. alternatively, I guess if you’re REALLY committed you could rub rogaine all over you.

  8. There is something here about blood suckers (vampires) hating werewolves. I haven’t had any caffeine yet this morning though so you’ll all have to work this on your own.

    (worse comment ever)

  9. I would totally go for spray on hair over itchy cat nipples. You could do different colours. And maybe some with sparkles for the more outgoing mosquito attractors. Just make sure it’s not itchy too, or there’d be no point.

  10. Isn’t spray-on-hair already a thing? It just needs to be rebranded for the new millennium ! And you are just the person to do it.

  11. My husband and I are convinced that mosquitoes like Greek people….despite all the hair. They eat us, and our children, alive every time we leave the house. And he definitely has enough hair to deter them from getting lost in the forest.

  12. Hmmm tough call, being covered in cat nipples or being covered in were-hair. Makes a bee keepers suit seem downright sexy in comparison.

  13. You might really be on to something. The last couple of chick lit books I read were werewolf romance novels. NOT ONCE did those charming hairy dudes ever mention being mosquito bait.

    And @AmberlLynn Pappas…who doesn’t like to eat Greek?

  14. I was getting what I thought were mosquito bites, they were always under my clothes, not in exposed areas. Turned out I was having an allergic reaction to carpet beetle larvae hairs. The hairs are super tiny and get shed into the environment. I’d only see the occasional beetle, so I didn’t realize there was a problem.

  15. OK, this isn’t going to be one of your amusing comments. I’m going for helpful. Look in your area for a company named Mosquito Authority or something like it. They have changed my life. I am not kidding.

  16. It’s hard for me to imagine that it’s ever going to be warm enough again for mosquitos to live. Or for me to go outside with any skin exposed that they could bite. It was 19 below when I got up this morning, for Petes’ sake! whine whine whine.

  17. If I saw a mosquito right now, I think I would weep with joy, even if it was carrying West Nile Disease. Any mosquitoes stupid enough to be currently residing in the Great White North are wearing a parka, double socks and mittens, a wool cap with ear flaps, plus -40 rated boots. And a little muffler for their proboscis.

  18. I love that Victor didn’t even react to the “itchy cat nipples” thing. Also, that’s potentially quite confusing for kittens…probably a good thing you have HST hooked on empty prescription drug containers now so he doesn’t notice all the cat nipples in the room.

  19. UMMM I have to say that I can’t stand hairy people, but I have a friend that has a freaking mountain man fur ball of a husband, sooooooo It could also be a dating mechanism.

  20. Will you offer free shipping on the purchase of a case of were-hair? Living in south Georgia, I need to stock up.

  21. Two thoughts:
    You would be like the Queen of QVC if you made hair spray that actually sprayed hair.
    I wonder if people who camp forgo the Brazilian wax type stuff. If they don’t, they will have cat nipple vaginas.
    That just might be a great band name.

  22. I wear long sleeves, sometimes even when it’s hot, and then I stand next to my husband, because he apparently tastes better than I do. (I do bugspray him though. I’d be okay if he were a werewolf though!)

  23. Mosquitos are probably the worst thing about living in South Texas. Summers nearly all year round means they’re never killed off. I think you probably could be rich…just market it specifically to South Texans!

  24. I’m pretty disappointed that itchy cat nipples and were-hair weren’t tagged in this blog. 😉

  25. I once got bitten by a mosquito on the back of my knee in Mexico and it was so gnarly that I couldn’t bend my leg for five days—I was like Mrs Peg Leg.

  26. ahh – leave a funny reply, or pimp my business… Tough choice… 🙂 I like the werewolf thing – maybe you can market that. 🙂 If not… i make stuff called baby your bite that works well for healing mosquito bites (see i did both!)

  27. I am a mosquito magnet. Always have been. And since the winter in Alabama is (usually) short and sporadic, that means mosquitoes can pop up anytime.
    I have been itching ever since I read this. Sympathetic cat nipples?
    I never thought about not getting bitten on my scalp. I’m betting there is at least some government grant money in a study on that, if the were-hair doesn’t work out.
    I am forever going to think “itchy cat nipples” every time I see a mosquito bite now. At least it might make me giggle when losing my mind itching.

  28. Tell Victor to put some Vick’s Rub on the bites, I swear they will be almost gone by tomorrow.

  29. Most of my life I attracted every insect that stings or bites. I spent my childhood looking like a pox victim. I found a remedy and I don’t have to smell like Agent Orange! Whole Foods 365 brand herbal-mint shower gel. Start by scribbing all the bug bites with it to take away the itch. But you’ll also find that you become less attractive the little critters just for using it, so fewer bug bites replace the ones that finally get to heal. Bonus:it is one of the few soaps I can use that doesn’t make me itchy or give me alligator skin, even with my super-sensitive, see-through, pale-blue skin. I’ve lived my whole life in Central Texas, so we are talking about the same ‘skeeters, chiggers, and such. Get Victor a bottle ASAP. For the itchiest bites, scrub it into the bite with a wash cloth or fingernail brush for immediate relief. I don’t even have to rinse it off.

  30. That’s brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! ( I hear myself saying that in my Esma voice ). 🙂

  31. UGH! I hate mosquitoes because they LOVE ME!!! I am allergic to them. When I get a bite, the area around it welts up to about 6″ in diameter, and raised about a half to a full inch!. I’m not kidding! I am probably one of only a few people that are thankful for the current drought. That means fewer mosquitoes. I lived in Florida for 4 summers. I don’t know how I survived. I could not get out of there fast enough! I have relatives in Houston. They complain that I never come to visit. I tell them that when they eradicate their mosquito population I would be happy to come down. Colorado is the only place I have found where I can actually go outside in the summer.

  32. That must be why my husband doesn’t get bitten nearly as much as I do. He’s a hairy beast! And here I thought I just had sweet, sweet nectar for blood.

  33. First of all, sign me up. Second of all, I recently found the 2 non-hibernating fire ants, while walking on pavement in my subdivision. Of course, I didn’t realize I had passengers in my shoe until they started chomping on my index toe. When the toe swelled, as well as part of my foot, I googled “fire ant bites”, which brought up a related search of “how to tell the difference between a snake bite and a vampire bite”. I wasn’t aware this was such a big problem.

  34. As someone who has often wondered if it is possible to be exsanguinated by mosquito bites I would totally buy this product. Also, it (the hair theory, not the were-hair in a can) sounds like the best excuse for not shaving my legs that I’ve ever come up with.

  35. Someone somewhere is now going to be looking for a way to make fake cat nipples because they really want to be covered with them.

    I’m not saying it’s me. I’m just saying it’s a wide, weird world out there.

  36. You should set up a poll for market research. Anyone with lycanthropy could participate in letting you know if they have been bitten by mosquitos in the past… you know before you invest in wereinacan.
    BUT I want to see how you advertise for were-people. 😀

  37. The best way to get the mosquitoes to leave you alone is to get hammered. Because they don’t want to drink your blood and die of alcohol poisoning (goddamn puritans).

    I don’t know if that’s actually TRUE or just one of those myths, but I do know that when I get good and hammered, the mosquitoes certainly don’t bother me so I guess that means it’s working. Depending on how you define “working.”

  38. Hi Jenny; Is there anyway we can start to like peoples comments? You have some seriously fabulous people who are leaving some pretty choice thoughts, it feels like I haven’t tipped my hat to them as thanks! 😀

  39. Am I the only one who is caught in an endless loop of different pronunciations of were-hair? Where hair, wear hair, were (as in The Way We Were) hair . . . . This may also be a good test of regional accents — like how marry/merry/Mary are pronounced. (If you are from NJ, each of those words sounds different)

  40. @DarthMama THAT comment brought back memories! My freshman year writing class was half made up of people named Mary, Merry, and Mari. Oh and a Marie. We suspect someone in the administration building had a mean sense of humor…the southern-born teaching assistant could NOT hear the difference!

    @Jenny I once saw a mosquito trying DESPERATELY to suck through a camel-hair coat. “I KNOW there’s an animal in here somewhere!”

  41. Can I come to your house and just record conversations? Not like serious ones or fights or anything. Just ones like this because even with as slap your knee funny as these are, I’m sure these are pee your pants funny, laugh until you cry in person. 😀

  42. Jenny, I’m seeing a nippletheme here lately! Nipples in your purse, nipples on Victor, what could be next? I look forward to the continued documentation of your nipple fixation!

  43. Victors mosquito bites look like nipples? That is odd in and of itself! Maybe he could just start showering with a rogaine body wash!

  44. Jenny –

    Hmmm…. you’re making me rethink my decision to have my mustache/chin hair waxed off every month – I didn’t know there was a perk to hanging onto my unwanted body hair. On one hand, if I keep it, I won’t get any more mosquito bites on my face. On the other hand, I probably won’t ever have sex again….. itchy cat nipples it is.


  45. I’ve developed a bad reaction to mosquito bites – the bites turn into purple welts within hours of me being bitten. Allergic reaction, perhaps? I only seem to get bitten on my feet and ankles so were-hair would make me look like I had Hobbit feet.

  46. A perfect plan… except I’m covered with hair all over and still get mosquito bites. I’m furry like a Wookie to the point that our nickname for our son before he was born was “Ewok.” We were convinced he’d emerge covered in hair. Mosquitoes are apparently attracted or repelled thanks to what you eat. Apparently, they hate the smell of garlic so just roast some and eat it by the clove. Bonus? You’ll ward off vampires. (Everyone’s always planning for the zombie apocalypse but they don’t think about the vampire apocalypse at all!)

  47. Here in the great state of Florida the pterodactyl size mosquitoes will bite your hair as an appetizer before nomming on any part of your body. Clothed, unclothed, hair, no hair, Biohazard suit or not. FL Mosquitoes don’t give a fuq.

  48. If my husband and I are outdoors together, he gets about 20 bites to my 3. he must be like mosquito-nip.

  49. Just be sure to add this in the side-effects section: “May encourage flea infestation” .

  50. Were Hair is a good idea. Just be sure to add this to the side-effects list: “May cause flea infestation, causing flea bites that look like cat nipples.”

  51. I would buy cases of this in a heartbeat. Just so people would leave me alone.
    “People at work bothering you? Slip into the restroom & apply Were-Hair (patent pending). Sit at your desk peacefully all day while your co-workers simper in fear.”

  52. Arizona – crazy legislators, but very few mosquitoes. Not sure that balances out, but still – no cat nipples.

  53. I never want to talk to people when I am at a party. Which is rarely. But the next time I do have to go to one, I’m totally wearing some Were-Hair. Life-changing.

  54. “You look like someone graffitied all over you with Braille.” – Now there’s some body modification gone wrong. Or a tattoo for a blind person. Or a tattoo for a blind person BY a blind person…

  55. Do you think Victor laughs at her amazing comebacks or simply continues the conversation? I can’t imagine living with wit like that and not appreciating it!

  56. Sounds to me like your mosquitos are just finicky. I don’t have a lot of hair-free real estate, but the mosquitos don’t care one bit (pun intended.) They don’t reserve their attention for my face and hands. Though they do seem to like ankles.

  57. I grew up in Northern New Jersey. My dad used to joke that I had “sweet blood” because I was a walking target for mosquitoes in the summer. A werehair shirt would have been wonderful. I am so glad other couples have conversations like this, I don’t feel so odd now.

  58. I live in Florida where our state bird IS the Mosquito! Hahahaha! You are missing ONE important detail concerning this “were-hair”:
    You will just be trading mosquitos for FLEAS! So then you are back to the chemicals. Our poor dog and cat suffer thru “Comfortis” which is like the pet Chemo pill against fleas rather than cancer. But to them its just as serious. Especially on little white bischons that are so dumb they sit on red ant hills like they are waiting for Bus…We have been known to watch her thru the window and see how long it takes her to hop off it! Stupid dog! Who needs TV when we have all this entertainment?

  59. Maybe you should just call it “Better Than Itchy Cat Nipples” instead of Were-Head. Because, oddly enough, BTICN is less-confusing than Were-Hair. And this is like my fourth comment today because I can’t get Were-Hair out of my head. You’re a fucking genius at product placement.

  60. “were-hair and the itchy cat nipples” is the name of my jenny lawson tribute band. we’re currently writing songs about being able to chose your battles wisely and joining unicorn success club and why hunter s. thomcat is secretly plotting to take over the world.

  61. I’m not shitting, we are heading for the coldest day of the winter tonight and into tomorrow; -40’s Celsius (which is -40F). What I wouldn’t do for some itchy cat nipples right now. Winter has been such a bitch.

    I can report, my legs appear were-hair like, so in the event of mosquito swarm, my legs shall be protected.

  62. We have more of a werewolf than mosquito problem in my neighborhood. Of course, some say it’s coyotes, but I have to lean towards werewolves. I will consult my cats on the whole itchy nipple thing.

  63. Hi Jenny,
    I love to read your conversations with Victor. Itchy cat nipples, indeed. I love your thought process. Not really having a problem with mosquitos this year, but think I would definitely try the Vicks. Coleman Botanicals has a 4 oz spray bottle that is avail in TX (and online) at Academy Sports Outdoors. It contains eucalyptys oil and lemon. I think natural is better and hope it works for your family.

  64. @CactusSally at #100 for the win.
    @YarnDork at #54 – dang, thay Kickstarter panty project! I can’t believe they raised $300,000 over their goal for underwear.

  65. Houston mosquitoes must be more aggressive than your mosquitoes – ours are year round and bite right through hair. Got a quote for a mosquito misting system for my backyard and it was going to be $2000 to have installed. Absolutely ridiculous, but may have to consider it come June.

  66. I’m not sure where you are traveling to get mosquito bites in Feb, but I think the best solution is don’t go back 🙂 No cat nipples and no wolf hair needed 🙂

  67. If I ever put together a band, I’m definitely calling it “Itchy Cat Nipples.” That being said, I don’t know what kind of cats (or mosquitoes) you have in Texas, but South Florida mosquito bites most definitely don’t resemble little cat nipples. Ours look more like angry areolas, which, come to think of it, is also a kickass band name.

  68. This is such a bright spot in my day. I mean this blog, not cat nipples or bug bites. Though you might be onto something with that were-hair.

  69. Like so many earlier commenters, I am an absolute MAGNET for mosquitoes and other bugs that suck in all senses of the word. But I have found something that works! Believe it or not, one Super B complex tablet a day kept me bite-free all of last summer. In 2013, we had a bad mosquito season, and our yard was CRAWLING with fleas (#104, our Havanese is also on Comfortis as our last, desperate measure, but it doesn’t seem to bother her)…and still, I got zero bug bites. Everyone who knows me was amazed and astounded. Of course, YMMV, but it is pretty cheap, so if it doesn’t work for you, you’re out, what, $6? (Just give it a full 90 days before you decide.)
    Something like this: http://www.target.com/p/nature-made-super-b-complex-tablets-140-count/-/A-14358683

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