I need your help to solve assholism and get my Nobel Prize

me:  Things aren’t going right for me.

Victor:  How do you mean?

me:  I can’t make things with words work.

Victor:  Could you be more vague?

me:  My thing with the words in it isn’t working right.

Victor:  Your…head?

me:  Sort of.  The creative part that makes words fit together properly.  There’s probably a word for it.  I’d probably know what it was if my head wasn’t broken right now.

Victor:  Your head is always broken.

me:  Yes, but most of the time that works in my favor.  Right now everything is cloudy and I’m exhausted and I think I might be depressed but also I think maybe I’m not depressed and that life is just shitty.  But it isn’t shitty so I must be depressed.  I wish someone would invent one of those things they used on Star Trek that you could just run over your body and it would be like, “Hey, you’ve got the flu” or “Your endorphins are all fucked up” or “Your body is fine but your head is all shitty and it’s not your fault so just wait it out and it’ll get better.”  Why don’t you invent that?

Victor:  I’ll get right on that.

me:  And make it an app so I can put it on my phone.  You’ll make millions.

Victor:  So just, invent a machine that detects everything medically wrong with you?

me:  And then put it in my phone.  It doesn’t even have to be completely accurate.  It could just say, “Wow.  How are you even standing right now?  You’re so brave.  You should be in bed.  Show this to your spouse so they know that you’re like some kind of machine for even being alive right now.”

Victor: Huh.

me: Or maybe sometimes it could say, “You’re super healthy but I think a gypsy put a curse on you.  Find another gypsy to take it off.”  That way you don’t have to go to the doctor, and also you’re keeping gypsies in business.

Victor: I don’t know that that’s a business.

me:  It should be.   Although, now that I think about it, I knew gypsies in Houston and they never cursed anyone.  So maybe make it a poltergeist and have the person drink holy water.

Victor: I don’t think you’re supposed to drink holy water.  Aren’t people getting dunked in that stuff all the time?  That seems unsanitary.

me: Then the next diagnosis should be “Back so soon?  You probably got dysentery from that holy water.  You should have boiled it first.  Always boil your holy water.”  This business makes itself.

Victor: I’m going away now.

me: And we could sell pills to people.  Like last week this girl pinned a picture of home-made pills filled with glitter and she was like “Glitter emergency pills. Bad day? Open a pill, throw glitter around” and I was like, “Wait. We’re angrily throwing the glitter in the office of the person who pissed us off, right? Because I could get behind that. Glitter never goes away. It’s like a shiny grudge you leave behind to remind people how much you hate them. Where do I buy these pills?

Victor:  And?

me:  She has not responded to me.

Victor:  Well, she’s smarter than I am.

I need these.  But I need them to be bucket-sized.
I need these. But I need them to be bucket-sized.

In the end, Victor did not agree to make me any apps so I need someone who knows how to make one.  Ideally it would diagnose all illnesses immediately, but if that takes more than a few days to build I’m fine with an app that just gives you random diagnoses like “Your hair looks amazing” or “Answer is fuzzy.  Try again later” or “That bitch in the next office is intentionally making you crazy.  She needs some glitter, STAT.”  And then we’ll take all the money we make on the app and invest it into making more glitter pills, which we’ll sell for almost nothing because if there are enough glitter pills out there then people will use them and you’ll be able to tell assholes as first sight because they’ll always have glitter on them.  It’s like a tracking system for assholes.  So, maybe I didn’t cure world disease, but I’m helping people to identify assholes before they get their shittiness all over you, and I’m pretty sure that deserves a Nobel Prize in whatever category “Halting Assholeness” falls under.

276 thoughts on “I need your help to solve assholism and get my Nobel Prize

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  1. That reminds me: There was glitter in the envelope containing that Bloggess “Geek-a-Week” collectible-card thingy you sent me. I’m still trying to get it all off of me.
    Damn you.

  2. I think you are a machine. And you should take a nap if you need to. And know your’e awesome. And also, you should have a truckload of glitter pills.

  3. Right now there are probably thousands of tech-like people working on your app idea- I expect a viable platform within the week. If you can’t get pills big enough they DO make glitter cannons – could do a whole office in one go “Say hello to my little glttery friend”…

  4. That’s when I take a nap. I’m not sure why, but it reboots my brain!
    I agree about glitter. The glitterati would have to leave my building….

  5. If you accidentally mixed up your glitter pills with your get headache pills you’d have really festive poop.

  6. OMG! I haven’t laughed this hard in a LONG time! Thank your brain for me for the fuzziness 🙂

  7. Glitter pills. I bet I could get away with having those at school, so I could let other teachers know which students cheat. I would be ALL OVER that.

  8. Pretty sure I’d buy that app! It’d be like a magic 8 ball, but far better, and more varied, and with swearing.

  9. 1) Someone somewhere will come up with your app. I’m sure there enough programmers in our tribe. Alas, I am not one of them.

    2) I fully support the tagging of people with glitter. One of my workplaces has an entire box of glitter. A big box. I like to think it’s for that purpose, but it’s really for arts and crafts with kids.

    3) @ocularnervosa #7 I totally LOLed at that.

  10. I put glitter in birthday cards for the people who annoy me. I’m not sure if that makes me a genius or one of the assholes you’re trying to halt.

  11. This is priceless. In the “great idea, glitter would totally make a-holes stand out” way, not the actual “no price” way, cuz you’d totally need to make money of that.
    Also, thanks for making me laugh. I just found out this morning I got Shingles. I bet your app could’ve told me that.

  12. Are you sure you aren’t supposed to eat the pills and then have fancy poops for days? Fancy poops seem like something that would cheer me up.

  13. As a veteran Renaissance Festival weirdo, I’d say stay away from glitter…after all, glitter is the bodily-fluid of Fairies, and you have NO IDEA what sort of ahem dirty shenanigans they’ve been up to.

  14. Seems to be that glitter pills would be the answer to assholics everywhere. Dump the glitter pills all over them and problem solved. Glitter is after all the herpes of crafting.

  15. I think the glitter thing is brilliant. You should totally do that.

    I already have the Star Trek app on my phone. I just make the “blippity, blippity” sound as I’m running it over something and pretend to read something on the screen that says whatever I want it to.

  16. Being all sparkly glittery doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an asshole. It could mean you’re a vampire. And while some vampires are also assholes, not all of them are. I see a really cool Venn diagram coming up here. Venns are really all meme-y and stuff right now, you know, so this could make me famous. And I’ll give you full credit for inspiration.

  17. I like the way you deal with feeling depressed: you go with where it takes you (glitter bombs in pill form would be a tremendous addition to society, I’ll take 2 bottles please). You could almost say depression is a generative condition for you – now that’s a perspective I can truly get on board with. Thanks for sharing!

  18. I am gasping for air, that’s how hard you made me laugh. Fuzzy brain or not you always have the ability to find what we are all thinking and say it in a way we all get. I firmly believe naps are one of three things that can solve all problems and I don’t know if I want an app on my phone that would tell me what’s wrong with me because it might suggest that others throw glitter on me. I should probably look into renting my own poltergeist.

  19. So basically you’re looking for the Magic 8 ball of medical diagnoses? I think that’s basically what WebMd is. Just plug in anything and it will tell you you’re terminal.

  20. Medical tricorders for everyone! Though I will say, I’ve been re-watching TOS (Kirk version for the people I just lost with that abbreviation) and yeah, the early versions of the medical tricorders don’t seem to be good for much other than saying someone’s dead or a Klingon. That said, if someone made an app for my phone which, when waved around, made the tricorder noise and then told me I was dead or a Klingon I would totally buy it.

  21. I’ve always thought glitter is made from exploded fairies. So basically you’d be an asshole that hates fairies enough to wear their decimated remains. Although Tinkerbell was kind of a bitch

  22. I could totally use some sort of asshole detection. I’m pretty good at picking them out from the assholey expressions on their stupid faces, but that’s not a perfect solution. Glitter, though! You may have something there.

  23. I’d like fifty dozen glitter pillls to spread over the inordinant number of assholes in my world. Please? Also Star Trek analyzer? I’ll take that app and then run it over various people I am marginally acquainted with and then baclk away slowly whilst saying “I’d get that checked out if I were you” and then leave quickly with my hand covering my nose and mouth.

  24. Glitter! UGH! My Secret Sister from 3 years ago used to wrap all her gifts to me in tissue paper that had glitter on it. I think she “secretly” hated me…I am still vacuuming glitter up.

    Until Victor or someone makes that thing….Use one of those “Magic 8-Balls”. It’s random and sometimes it is funny. If it makes you laugh, it’s good.

  25. I need to introduce you to my mom. She coined the term “assholism” in 1979. You may owe her royalties for using it. The funny thing is when she said, “Your Uncle has assholism.” My brother, who is TEN years older than me, replied with, “I didn’t know he drank.”

  26. So glitter would be the person version of Gallagher’s “Stupid Darts” for cars? I like it!

  27. Except that anyone with a daughter under the age of 10 would be falsely accused of asshole-ism. I spent the years 1999-2006 a be-glittered mess. I opened my checkbook one time and glitter fell out.
    Daughter is now 18…we’ve been glitter free for awhile..and then the other day a sorority at the university she’s attending in the fall sent her an invitation to some Spring Fling Hoe-down. The envelope was stuffed with glitter. I had a PSTD flashback.
    Poor move, Delta Zetas…you are on my shit list.

  28. Glitter is the STD of the crafting world. Once it’s on you, it never goes away. So instead of buying pills to get rid of an STD, you buy glitter pills to give someone an STD. Genius. Cruel. But genius.

  29. I knew exactly what you meant when you said you couldn’t make the thing with words work. It is incredibly frustrating. Some days I can’t tell if it’s because I’m tired and not thinking well, if I’m having a stroke or early onset dementia.

    BTW, here’s your Star Trek medical tricorder… for REALS!!! http://gizmodo.com/5965143/holy-spock-the-star-trek-medical-tricorder-is-real-and-its-only-150

    Yes, you totally need one no matter what Victor says. 🙂

  30. The glitter pills should be filled with that titty glitter at strip clubs. It took me over a week to get it all out.

    Oh wait gentlemen’club; well I am not a gentleman and I got in and the dancers thought my money and boobs were good enough to be there! Also even women can’t give a stripper a lap dance, but we only get a warning. (Note I am straight, but was drunk and thought this would be entertaining. It was)

  31. I do think you will win the prize. (Be sure and say “Do Not Swallow” on the jar of glitter pills to avoid lawsuits.)

  32. Glitter pills are certainly more portable than my method, which looks a bit like a chic dope bag. With a wand. Also, throwing glitter on assholes seems like a waste of perfectly good glitter. Wouldn’t it be better to throw beet juice? It also doesn’t come off, and the lovely red makes assholes equally easy to identify… Or not.

  33. I read once that a woman used a washcloth to clean her crotchal area before a gyno visit but her daughter had been putting on glitter make-up at the sink earlier and the gyno was totally impressed with the glittery vagina which he thought she made just for him.

  34. My wife and her friend call glitter the ‘herpes of the craft world’ because it never goes away…

  35. How the fuck is it that this post and you make me feel normal. I love your guts Bloggess. Thank you for thinking shit like this through.

  36. It’s worrying me greatly that your blog posts are very much linked to my emotional standing most days. I’m pretty sure my WebMD degree will not allow me to diagnose you with anything treatable but I do know that a bowl of potato chips and a bowl of ice cream at the same time work for me.

  37. You don’t need to boil holy water. In order to make holy water in the first place you boil the hell out of it.

  38. Maybe we could have color coding for the glitter as well so you can determine what kind of asshole you are dealing with…like blue glitter could be compulsive liars and red glitter could be miserable douche twizzles and gold glitter could be pretentious fuckheads…etc.

    Just a thought

  39. When I first clicked on this post, I thought the glitter pills were like this advertisement I once saw that was selling 14 carat gold pills. So, when you’re having a bad day, you take one and then eventually poop gold. Obviously, that’s not what this was about at all I have a weird poop fetish and was mildly excited that someone else thought pooping glitter was a rad idea. Ce-la-ví! Back to bed for me.

  40. So if you were to eat ones with edible glitter (which apparently doesn’t exist & everyone was just eating regular glitter) would your poop sparkle? Because if so you could take one if you feel down & just check out the pan afterwards & know that you rock because you just pooped glitter just like a unicorn..

  41. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=ru.alexanderklimov.magic8ball
    BAM! App problem solved. As for assholes, not sure you’ve got a foolproof idea with the glitter pill because little kids, Pre-K teachers, and Kindergarten teachers (many of them anyway) are forever covered in glitter. And not all of them are assholes. Some, for sure. But not all. Don’t worry though, I found the elusive (or you know, readily available if you have no life like me and actually googled it after reading this post) Magic 8Ball app and I solemnly swear on the Unicorn Success Club Horn of Awesomeness, I will find out the asshole spotter app as well. You’re welcome.

  42. So I have a question. It stems from your phrasing that everything is cloudy and you feel like you MIGHT be depressed. I have been thinking I miiiight have depression for some years-ish.. but I’ve never been convinced that is the problem… but the way you said that sounds like me… kind of an on-and-off “I feel like I could just sit here and do nothing and feel blank” for awhile. But it’s not always there, and it’s not always like that… but then a lot of the time I feel like a robot. I’m like, outside of myself and things happen and it’s almost like a, “Yes, smile here this is happy”, or “Look concerned, the person you are talking to is sad”. I don’t feel emotions like other people seem to, which concerns me because one of the oft-mentioned side effects of medicines for depression, is numbness and lack-of-feeling. Confusing.

    I guess I don’t know my question. I know all of the symptoms and signs of depression (I studied psychology, ironically) but at the same time I feel like maybe I’m just being self-indulgent, and as you said, maybe life is just shitty. And I’m so freeaaakkinggg self aware, that I am quite cognizant that the obvious solution is to go talk to my doctor.

    I really piss myself off sometimes.

  43. I can just see the app now, saying things like, “You are suffering from a case of not enough chocolate peanut butter ice cream” and “You have lupus. PSYCHE! You know it’s never lupus.”

  44. My best friend knows how to make apps.. she’s the bomb like that. I’m calling her now!

  45. True story – sometimes the zoo (at least the Houston Zoo) needs to weigh/measure/check the excrement of certain animals. To identify what pile they need to look at, they give the animals glitter. I think in the food. Maybe in meds. I don’t remember. It was too early to comprehend other than they give them glitter to identify poop.

  46. I have wanted something to diagnose things since forever! Seriously if I ever get to pick a magic talent, I want to be able to look at people, including me, and just know what’s going on with them. So I can be like, “okay, no, I’m not dying, this isn’t a heart attack, I’m dehydrated and my heart is beating a little faster than normal cause it’s screwed up like that. Go drink some water and lie down with a book.”
    or “Alright, so your brain is kind of screwy, but it’s just your brain SAYING the world is horrible and will never be any better. The world isn’t actually that bad! I mean, sometimes, but overall there’s ice creams and puppies and kittens and good things! So just wait and your brain will stop being so mean and everything will be okay.”
    or, totally not inspired by real life events, “No you dumbass you aren’t dying, you had a large milkshake and you haven’t had dairy in ages because you’re all but vegan at this point. OF COURSE YOUR STOMACH IS GOING TO HURT. You’re fine. Quit whining.”

  47. haha brilliant!! ‘shiny grudge that you leave behind…’ I will never look at glitter the same way

  48. Just fyi, you can get empty gelatin pills at the feed store. They come in different sizes, too.

  49. I’ll buy a million, plus if you swallow one of those pills you’ll shit glitter, I’m sure someone has already commented on that idea but I’m too lazy to read all the comments, I’m a bad person, someone should throw some shitty glitter on me… well that escalated quickly…

  50. I could not make my words work, and I thought it was just age or other priorities or something. Then I started taking anti-depressants because I was depressed, and my words came back. I’m still depressed, but I can write about it now, so…

  51. I thought I would come out of my lurkdome (pretty sure it’s a word, spellcheck) and tell you something.

    Your hair DOES look amazing. True story. Hope you find a big ass bucket of glitter to throw on some jerkface, and that it makes your day feel less shitty and more shiny.

    P.s. Watermelon.
    P.p.s. If I accidentally post this 18 times, apologies. Technology is hard.

  52. So, another thing you can do is text the Austin Mystery Compliment folks- text a picture, get a compliment- 512 963 3660. My friend Spike has been logging ones she and friends got from them, and it’s tremendous. Or you can chuck glitter. Both work just fine 🙂

  53. There is one small flaw in your plan… all the people who craft with glitter will be seen as assholes too. I don’t want to be wrongfully accused of being an asshole just because I used glitter in some project…
    Other than that, this plan is awesome.

  54. I’ve run a scan on you remotely using my invisible app. You’re good. What you need to do is start throwing asshole glitter immediately.
    Seriously, let it fly.

  55. …but then assholes could get ahold of the glitter pills, and throw them at non-assholes, just to be assholes, and no one would know who the assholes were, anymore. 🙁

  56. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to find that the glitter pills were to be opened and the contents flung, not swallowed.

  57. I’m worried now. What if this glitter thing is contagious?
    There needs to be a Glitter Tracker App, so I can avoid the hotspots.

  58. Hand to glittered God, I say this all the time:

    “I wish someone would invent one of those things they used on Star Trek that you could just run over your body and it would be like, “Hey, you’ve got the flu” or “Your endorphins are all fucked up” or “Your body is fine but your head is all shitty and it’s not your fault so just wait it out and it’ll get better.”


  59. My app just laughs snarkily and says “It’s not Lupus” …

    …glitter pills should be an easy enough DIY project… You’ll want to start in the vitamins/ herbals aisle of the Health Food Co-op and get some of those empty/unfilled gelatin capsule shells.

    Then with a tiny funnel (hardware store) fill them with glitter.

    However, I’d do this in the garage or Someone Else’s House, to avoid contamination of living area with glitter….

  60. I absolutely agree………………with whatever it is you said. Especially about the glitter. And the assholes…

  61. Fantastic idea! I think we should all get regular body scans all the time! But until someone devises an app for that, your other problems could be solved with a Magic 8 Asshole Ball. My co-worker is driving me crazy, what should I do? Shake the ball and the answer is…toss a glitter pill in her office. See? Easy peasy.

  62. My brother does computers, I will get him to make the all-knowing tricorder app.
    Yes, I’m nerdy enough do know the word you’re looking for is tricorder.
    Thank you and goodnight.

  63. When I find myself in those times where thoughts are hazy, I always just say that “I’ve misplaced my mojo”. It’s somewhere there Jenny like your keys when you’re looking for them, look around a bit!

  64. The absolute first thing I thought when I saw that header picture was “Where can I get those glitter pills, I need to throw them at people.”
    And then I read the entry. Thank Cthulu I’m not the only one who thinks like this.

  65. Please don’t ever change! I so needed to read this post today. The past two weeks have been so stressful and frustrating. Xoxoxoxo… Kristen

    P.S. When my husband gets my grumpy, I break out the glitter… who knows where it will end up next time?

  66. There is a crazy bitch at work for which I need the bucket-sized pills – she hoards ALL the bubble wrap that comes to campus and walks around when she is stressed out and/or unhappy which is like, ALL THE TIME, and just pop-pop-pop-pop-pops that shit incessantly. It’s worse than gum-smacking on the L-train I SWEAR!

  67. I’m a dance costume designer, and so spend half the year covered in glitter. Did you know that you can buy fabric spray-coated in glitter? Damn those assholes.

  68. A. I have threatened doctors that next time they yell at my kids for being unruly after waiting over 45 minutes that next time I’m giving them glitter to play with in the waiting room. It is the second best threat I ever made. The first was to a TV Journalist. In my interview, I said, “If you take any of my answers out of context, I will smack you in the face with a dirty diaper.” I was not taken out of context.

    B. There is a business for Gypsies. We had one before she got too old, possibly passed on, and she charged 700 dollars to remove curses. I have the Curse of Angelina placed upon me. It was made by a Gothic Insecure Teenager Witch.

    C. I want that app when it’s done. I like random better than accurate. It should also have at least a couple diseases that are exclusive to Star Trek characters. I can’t think of any right now because my brain broke a long long time ago. But what was it called when you got the bug in your head from the planet they left that smart super genetically modified Khan on? That might be what’s going on. I can’t believe those bastards did that to you.

  69. Okay but one caveat – being an elementary school teacher myself, I can state unequivocally that this plan will automatically get all elementary school teachers labelled assholes. We are quite often covered in glitter. Especially early childhood teachers, since no teacher in her right mind allows students to study independent glittering until third grade. We will need some sort of special label. A pink T on our shirts or something.

  70. I made glitter pills with my friend once. We gave them to another friend. They were made out of capsules and edible gold. That way when our friend consumed them she SHIT GLITTER.

    HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!!! You can say to someone, I’m so awesome that my shit glitters.

  71. I’m pretty sure if you started a Kickstarter campaign for either the app or the mass marketing of the glitter pills, it would be fully funded by the end of the day. I know I’d be in.

  72. Can we all vote to make you Queen of the World immediately please? Although we might also need to make more glitter factories to cover all the assholes. Could we also colour code the glitter so that we can easily identify what sort of asshole they are?

  73. I wish I could ‘like’ people’s comments. Almost as entertaining as this amazing post. 😉

  74. @ thetattootourist- it should be “Say hello to my glitter friend!”
    I would love glitter pills, or a glitter gun, or cannon… how about glitter grenades?! It’s great just because they can’t get rid of it! But I do agree with others who have mentioned that Moms of young girls, teachers, etc. cannot be blamed as assholes just for being covered in glitter. We are covered in it all the time, asshole or not! Good luck getting your word thingy to work again. <3

  75. Thank you for making me lol. I am not a programmer but would like to become one JUST SO I COULD MAKE THIS FOR YOU!!! But don’t hold your breath cause it is likely not going to happen. Sigh. Can someone else please do this???

  76. I love glitter being everywhere….. I want to sprinkle it around and then claim that there had been a glitter accident. “Massive glitter spill on the freeway into work. so sorry, but I’m going to be leaving behind a trail of glitter all day. Happy Monday!”

  77. This is the single best thing ever written about glitter: “Glitter never goes away. It’s like a shiny grudge you leave behind to remind people how much you hate them.”

  78. You just officially became my most favorite fucked up person ever. Keep up the good work (another excellent option for your app)!

  79. Oh dear me — GLITTER is what I’m putting on the next car that wedges so tight up against mine that I can’t open my door to get in, forcing me to crawl in the passenger side and navigate the console before dropping into the driver’s side — with one foot under me, one foot in the air (it’s OK, I wear panties at all times). I’m going to make sure that auto-asshole has glitter in every vent and opening; I just hope it’s a convertible and the top’s down! You. are. brilliant!!!

  80. The crazier you get, the more money flows. If only I could be your clone for a day. Then again, that day would probably be a bad SW prequel and I’d shake myself out of the image like in Innerspace. Ahh well.

  81. You are missing the fact that you already know Dr. Crusher’s son. Give Wil a call and see if he can connect you with his Star Trek mom and her miracle medical machine.

  82. If there isn’t a Nobel prize for it, there should be! Thanks for helping us identify the assholes of the world. I hope you feel more together soon.

  83. Tonight’s moon is a Blood Moon. True story.
    Put on Wolf Blitzer & have a wine slushie.

  84. Glitter is awesome as long as it’s on one of those shirts that has it hermetically sealed in so it can’t permeate every nook and cranny of your life. Ahhhhhhhhh!

  85. Maybe you just need a little sweet treat? Try cruising Pintrest for kittens! Hope you feel better soon 🙂

  86. I’ve always thought that glitter was the Herpes of the craft world.

  87. Your brain is totally not broken. It just took a short break from words to create the best asshole identification process ever. Multitasking is overrated, and likely impossible when tackling the world’s largest problems!

  88. Won’t those just turn you into a Twilight-like vampire?

    OMG, Twilight vampires are assholes who had glitter thrown onto them. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

  89. I would also need the companion app that fixes whatever the diagnostic app finds. And my phone would have to be at full charge because I just know that sucker would blow up with all kinds of crap. Also? I am totally stea… I mean using that word assholism

  90. You already have the app, Dorothy. It’s this blog. And you don’t need to click your ruby slippers to get to it. This blog, I’ll wager, keeps you sane.

  91. I need some of those glitter pills for a friend of mine.

    Also, glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. You can never eradicate it completely.

  92. Added plus: if you throw glitter at a male asshole, he’ll have to spend a week explaining why he looks like he just came back from a strip club.

  93. Apple already has a magic 8 ball app. I bet they could adjust it for illness related questions like “Do you think I will randomly keel over today” – “Odds are in your favor”. Of course then you would have to interpret if that means you will or won’t keel over depending on what you favor.

  94. I’m for any app that means I don’t have to go to the doctor, witch doctors excepted.

  95. I could have totally used some glitter pills to throw on people at dinner the other night. Or some duct tape. Actually, just duct tape…

  96. My reading words thingy isn’t working very well either because at first I thought your blog stated “I need your help to solve alcoholism” which I thought was a pretty Noble (Prize) idea.

  97. Yes! Please have some invent all of this! I would help, but I don’t know how to make apps.

  98. Thank You SO SO MUCH for being you! I so could use that app thingy and a LOT of glitter pills! You always make me feel better so you are like my app thingy. SO maybe I just need the glitter pills.

  99. when i had a flu or cold or other thingee, i used to say my brain felt like oatmeal. and was working about as well as oatmeal. there is no point trying to get much of anything done when your head feels like oatmeal. (I was not a child when i used this description.)

  100. For someone who “can’t make things with words work,” you have an amazing ability not to let that stop you. Or Victor stop you. Or something.

  101. Is no one else wondering where you get empty pills to fill with glitter and what kind of patient soul takes the time to fill them without getting glitter all over the outside of the capsule?

  102. My whole family has some kind of defect where we forget the names of things, like when my sister asked me to hand her the “thing, you know, it’s round and you stir things with it.” drives me mad.

  103. I’ve decided that MDA needs glitter chemo bags as I don’t think the other glitter pills or buckets would pass as sterile. Apparently the Cisplatin/Kersplat-in I’m taking doesn’t like light so it comes in a brown bag. BORING. BRING ON THE GLITTER BAGS! Then that assholism cancer thingie won’t know what hit it.

  104. I would totally buy glitter pills except I would fire them from a slingshot at the person who is pissing me off so that way they end up with glitter on them (because the pill will explode on impact) AND they will feel pain.

  105. It won’t diagnose all of your ailments, but my doctor hubby has an app on the iTunes store called iRash that’ll help diagnose common rashes. (Hey, it’s a start!) I have no idea how to link it, but if you go to the iTunes store and search iRash, you’ll find it. He made it because he got tired of his sister texting him photos of her kids’ rashes all the time.

  106. I was hoping the glitter pills were for swallowing so your poo was sparkly. That would cheer me right up.

  107. This is hands down the best thing I’ve read all day, possibly all year. Thank you.

  108. Not exactly what you’re talking about, but some friends and I started a Tumble.a while ago called CALMING BRITS & IRISHMEN, where we post pics of British guys with captions saying things like ‘you can do this!’ And ‘let’s talk about what’s bothering you.’

    Feel free to stop by and see if it helps. Hugs.

  109. With all these stories about people and animals eating and pooping glitter, is the thing about how glitter will kill you if you ingest it an urban myth? I’ve spent half my life terrified of that stuff, because I was convinced it has sharp edges and will slice you up inside and kill you if you eat it.

    On the words thing, valium did that to me. Words are the only thing I’m actually good at, but when a doc put me on valium for depression/anxiety/my many issues, I couldn’t words at all and started thinking visually rather than verbally for the first time in my life. Plus everything was cloudy and vague and it felt very wrong. It was freaky as hell, and I flushed those pills down the loo after three days because screw that, I’d rather be depressed and still have my words.

  110. I might be missing the glitter boat but I don’t need help identifying the assholes, those are easy. They are either the people that come from the family I was born into or the people who immediately glom onto me as their new BFF without any input from me. I need some kind of asshole removal system, like wart remover, only for asshole people.

  111. You know, those glitter pills could be used as a suppository and then you could tell everyone how fabulous you are because you literally shit glitter. Also, I find myself covered in glitter almost daily because I am a preschool teacher. Hopefully that doesn’t automatically make me an asshole. I’m paid to be nice all day long. Hmm…maybe I am an asshole since people have to give me money to be nice to kids.
    This has been very eye opening for me.

  112. Get yourself a magic eight ball! It’s basically the same thing you’re asking for. Life is awesome if you just let it answer all the questions for you…trust me.

  113. I agree a magic 8 ball will work..or go to dr’s on demand and talk 2 a doctor on ur cell phone…now I need your address..I want to send you a bucket of glitter so you can throw it at victor.

  114. There is an app for you!!!! Someone just showed it to me. Google it. It’s coming out in September. It’s like a case for your iphone and you put your fingers in the indentations and it reads ten vital functions for you with amazing accuracy. There’s a five minute demonstration

  115. So I volunteered at the library in my teens to get out of school and there was no internet yet. I used to read those HUGE plastic binders full of the latest magazines on my break and there was this one article that listed a calendar based on your cycle.. for example 3rd day “you will lose your keys”, 18th day “you will be good with words”, 23rd day “maths will be hard today”. And there were some scientific reasons, due to hormones and weird imbalances that made this all seem legit. I thought it was crap until I remembered “day 3, lose your keys” and I totally did. Ran back to the library and couldn’t find it. Spent waaay too much time looking for that article but ULTIMATELY.. I’m saying it’s not your fault you can’t use words today.. It’s your period. Totally.

  116. We can make edible glitter. I have put edible glitter on cupcakes. Now we can make cupcakes with the glitter and give the cupcakes to the assholes. That way, we are sort-of being kind and generous while also snarky. This will protect us against bad karma, which I live in fear of at all times.
    Edible Glitter
    • 1/4 cup sugar
    • 1/2 teaspoon liquid food coloring
    You can use granulated white sugar or any of the crystalline sugars. Avoid brown sugar (too moist) and powdered sugar (not sparkly). Use liquid food coloring because paste coloring is more difficult to mix and may discolor when baked.
    1. Mix together the sugar and food coloring.
    2. Bake the colored sugar in a 350°F oven for 10 minutes.
    3. Store the sugar glitter in a sealed container, to protect it from moisture.

  117. Got strange looks from my husband as I cracked up while reading. I was strangely reminded of those Magic 8 Ball things we used to tell our fortunes with when we were kids. Yes, I checked – there’s even a Magic 8 Ball app. Change the responses to medical terms and you’ve got your app! 🙂

  118. I’m laugh-crying right now because today has been soooo shitty and I can’t stop thinking about how much better it would have been if some of the people I had to deal with we’re covered in glitter.

  119. Throwing glitter at asshole seems a bit too nice. I think we should throw cats. But not meanly. We could rescue the cats first, then throw them at the assholes like, “Here, have a cat. Maybe if you having someone to love you you won’t be such an asshole.”

    I’ll take that Nobel prize now, please.

  120. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world. Might have been fun in the moment but you’ll NEVER get rid of it.

  121. It just occurred to me to ask… Is someone suffering from Assholism called an Assholic? Or is that something else entirely?

  122. Glitter alternative – plastic Easter basket grass. I’ve moved 3 times, and there have never been any children’s baskets in my house. Somehow, I still find it (or pull it out of the vacuum cleaner). It’s the ninja of asshole bombs.

  123. My darling, sweet girl. You are so spot on. I want glitter pills, lotsa glitter pills. The world needs more glitter pills. I made glitter eggs out of blown out eggs. put lace and paint and sequins on the outside and hit people over the head with’em. You can tell a lot abut people when you hit them over the head with a glitter filled egg. Like who really loves you and who doesn’t. And why you should do it outside and not in your crazy mean Aunt Shirl’s house. Even though she’s usually too hammered to notice much. She really needs glitter pills and a lot of glitter eggs too.

  124. MY dog once at a glow in the dark chew toy and pooped glowing poop for weeks. The yard was very festive. Now I am imagining added glitter to the mix…

  125. I love you. Who else can mesh glitter.pills.and diagnosis-star-trek-things and have it make total sense? And I need one of those diagnosis things. And I “get” you on the “am I depressed or…?”. That is why I need the damned diagnosis thing.

  126. I think you’re on to something good here.
    Also, I need to get some glitter for my office. Lots and lots of glitter.

  127. This made me think of the time where we had a huge computer virus going around at work and people were getting sick from a virus at the same time. One of the guys I work with said wouldn’t be great if like in Star Trek, Bones could come up to you with that vaccination thing once a week and update your anti virus signatures in your body so we’d never get sick again? And yes, all of us geeks thought this was a brilliant idea,

    Yeah we’re really typical geeks

  128. I actually glitter bombed my work nemesis (and the entire office) on my way out the door (and documented it all on my blog [of course]: http://wp.me/p2Hxaf-it). I hear they’re still finding it stuck in the tragic office carpeting.

    But hey, when you’re fabulous and stuck working on a military base, sometimes a glittery departure is the best way out.

    Anyway, I love your writing — I’m always in stitches (the good kind).

  129. Okay, we totally need glitter grenade launchers.
    Sounds like your brain might need a reboot. For me that it either sitting in the dark listening to some melancholy music, or a nap with my pets. Sangria totally optional, but it does help.
    If it lingers, yeah, check with your primary care physician. I hope you feel better soon. Your previous post with requests for amazing, funny, and/or interesting videos and other internet finds was awesome. I had been visiting my dad in the hospital who had been quite sick, and it spent time reading that and I am quite certain it kept most of the number of nightmares I might normally have had away. I hope your niece continues to recover.

  130. I vaguely remember seeing a DIY showing how to make a Magic 8 Ball say anything you want it to. Maybe that would help?

  131. I love the glitter pills for assholes! I want it made legal that courteous drivers be allowed to carry a paint gun in their car, and paintball anyone who was driving like a dick (down the shoulder in a traffic jam, cutting people off, going less than speed limit in any lane but the far right – this is Texas y’all – move your ass out of the way!)…more than three paint splats and you lose your car and your license! Permanent paint splats obviously, so maybe it needs to be glitter paint!

  132. You could fill balloons with the glitter, that way you can have excuse to carry balloons– plus, when it’s target time, just pop it over someone’s head. Two in one!

  133. I shared the link and my friend commented:”Glitter is like herpes of the craft world! Once you have glitter you will never completely get rid of it! It just spreads!!!”

  134. I wonder if the happy glitter pills will make them happy, if even for a moment? How would you do that if you work from home? Is there an app where you can send a permenant glitter spray to their computer? How fun!

  135. I have seen the glitter pills and i agree,,, they are not for me… only for those who deserve it. I think everyone needs a little bit of me that ajax wont take off. Let me know where you fond the glitter pills!!

  136. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world. Therefore, perfect for assholes.

  137. Can you imagine that there are actual people out there like Ray Kurzweil futurist who is predicting the Singularity who take over 250 supplements a day. I guess those Glitter Pills aren’t that bad when you think of it. I speak a lot about the potential ramifications of Transhumanism on my blog:


    I invite you all to check it out so we can start discussing more relevant matters that will shape the future.

  138. Victor sounds as uncooperative as my boyfriend! I’ve been telling him for years that he should invent the transporter from Star Trek using his scienc-y abilities, but does he listen? No! All I get are excuses!He tells me to build it but my background is office work and my degree is for criminal justice! He is a physicist. I tell him to imagine all the ponies we could buy with that kind of money and he just glares at me because he finds horses “untrustworthy “. I swear men can be soooo lazy sometimes…

  139. Also people who hang out with crafty small children (and those same children) might be mistaken for assholes. But that is ok, everybody is somebody else’s asshole. Ha….That doesn’t sound right but we will post it and immortalize it anyway.

  140. We don’t need glitter pills to mark assholes, sweetie. This is Texas. We have handguns for that.

  141. I’d like a glitter cannon. Your hair looks amazing. And um, that other thing with the head and words…

  142. I just wanted to let you know that I finally told a medical professional that I self-harm. Partial credit for this goes to you for being so open about your journey. I was worried I would go into a padded cell and never return – or wear a sign for everyone to judge me. After I told my doctor, I told my best friend. So thank you for unapologetically owning yourself, your courage helped make it okay for me too.

    (You just made my whole day a million times better. ~ Jenny)

  143. Please be sure to make this app available for android. Also, can the app be filled with glitter? I’m too lazy to go look for pills….


  144. The glitter pills are a terrible idea. I’m an asshole, but a loveable asshole and sometimes the loveable part gets misinterpreted and then I feel bad. I’d be glittered a lot until I stop being an asshole and just be a boring normal person, except I’d still be branded as an asshole and everybody would avoid me because they think I’m an asshole and I’d have no friends even though I’m a new boring normal person and not a loveable asshole at all and then I’d wonder why I stopped being an asshole if the glitter is permanently branding me an asshole and preventing me from making friends, then there’s no reason to change. Plus, normal is overrated and boring anyway. Also? I like glitter. Bring it on.

  145. I like the term assholism….my personally coined diagnosis of the fuckwitted is ‘Cuntingtons Disease.’ you have my full permission to use freely. X

  146. There is a chance this might make you feel better:

    This morning I was sitting in my bedroom listening to family members raging about nothing with this on in the back ground. When it started it made me feel okay. It is what I can really only describe as joyously insane. I hope it helps you like it helped me.

  147. My word thing is broken. Also. But I have Rolo minis. Strictly speaking, I don’t think they’re that mini… just unwrapped. Which saves a whole lot of time. Unwrapping them used to irritate me. Now it’s easier to shovel fistfuls of them into my mouth.
    Oh. I can write about chocolate… but not work…

  148. I bet everyone I know wishes my word thing would break for a week, just so they could get some fucking peace and quiet.

  149. I once hosted a lovely wedding shower where the invitation included glitter in the envelope. I got points with the older women for mailing an invitation but lost ’em all for getting glitter on their carpets. Oh, well.

  150. YES make a tricorder. It would be great and not the first new invention to come out of Star Trek…

  151. Weaponizing glitter is brilliant. Or maybe it’s not weaponizing glitter but just recognizing that glitter is a weapon. It’s still brilliant. And it feels right. I feel great now. Knowing what glitter is here for. How hateful it is. How stubborn and spiteful it is. And masked as a celebratory accessory . . . I’m just speechless.

  152. I have actually had someone read my medical test results and say to me, “oh my god…how are you even HERE?” Yeah…fucking heroic. Whatevs. It’s life, right?

    But about the glitter thing…I swear glitter makes you happy. And if you get it in your hair? EXTRA happy. My 5-year old says so. Must be true.

  153. I think homemade glitter pills could go terribly wrong. Someone is going to take it thinking it’s real and then they’ll be puking up glitter and everyone will call them Ke$ha.

  154. Those glitter pills are the best idea ever, imagine actually swallowing it! I swear I’d call the neighbourhood over to come and see my glitterball poo!!!

  155. I know what you mean. I just stopped taking my Lexapro, which has helped for the last 6 years, so that I could start making a baby in a couple months. Everything is perfect and wonderful in my world but it feels like something is wrong because I feel wrong. I know the problem but even with the answer there isn’t a good solution. Damn neurotransmitters. Nothing to fix but my brain and I can’t do a thing about that.

  156. Glitter hate? You will be completely responsible for people treating random strippers horribly. I will not aid you in this effort. Not this time.

  157. I need some glitter pills……. Although my ass munch of a husband might hate me so much I can’t be a SAHM mom anymore………

  158. Glitter pills. What if someone eats those? Will it make their shit super sparkly for a week? Or will they die from ingesting glitter?


  159. Glitter pills. What if someone eats those? Will it make their shit super sparkly for a week? Or will they die from ingesting glitter?


  160. I’m sure you know that glitter is known as ‘craft herpes’ because you can never get rid of it. Also, I would pay dozens of dollars for that app.

  161. Soooooo…… you want to be a vengeful Rip Taylor? Your ideas intrigue me and I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  162. My thing with the words in it isn’t working right.

    My thing never works right either. I’m always saying things like, “What do you call that thing? That round thing that is made of rubber? It goes round and round and is between the car and the road?” My husband or kids will look at me with a mixture of pity and frustration and say, “You mean a TIRE?” “Yes! That is EXACTLY what I mean!”

    It happens more often than I would like to admit!

  163. Just made an appointment with the doc but I would be really grateful if Victor could hurry up with developing that App so I can cancel the doc!

  164. How about we all get together and very nicely ask someone from ANOTHER Scandanavian country to invent a “Noble” Prize just for Jenny Lawson? We could send her lutefisk, or maybe amoniac shark. Both would probably count as taxidermy, and if nothing else would make nice cat treats.
    (Oh wait, did I say that here where she can read it? Dang.)

  165. Laughing so hard at the picture in my head of you angrily throwing glitter on all the a-holes because it’s hard to stay angry when there is flying glitter involved. It would make a great tracking device but wouldn’t it end up like coke and dollar bills and we’d all be covered in a little bit of glitter all the time? Oh and until Victor gets his act together with that app a magic 8-ball should suffice 😉

  166. Hey I love you and everything you do. But the word “g*psy” is a slur for Roma people and I thought you’d probably like to know. Google can explain why better than I can.

  167. The glitter pills could be used very passive-aggressively. Someone being a pain? “You’re clearly having a bad day…here, have a glitter pill.” It looks like you’re being sweet and trying to cheer them up, but really….GLITTER THAT NEVER GOES AWAY!!!

  168. Is it bad that my first thought regarding glitter pills was, “Why would anyone want glittery poop?”

  169. Glitter pills are a great idea. But I think identifying the assholes being covered in glitter has been in effect since the invention of strip clubs. Wives can definitely detect if they are married to an asshole if he comes home from “work” sparkly.

  170. I love that idea! Working full-time and going to school full-time I feel like is a lot for me, but I cannot imagine what you are feeling! Sometimes you do not even know whats wrong with you, you just know that something is not right. You may not be sick, you are probably just super exhausted.


    But really if you ever find out where to get those glitter pills, let me know! my boss could use a couple of them.

  171. Some people just like to sparkle… Wouldn’t this unduly harm their self image?

  172. Uhm….. I bet you didn’t know that thiS IS ACTUALLY A THING?!?!??! (http://www.tricorderproject.org) is a website about a project that is going on that will be able to scan you and tell what is wrong with you. It is also, affectionately called the tricorder, like a machine from Star Trek

  173. TheBloggess Self-Diagnostic App
    -for entertainment purposes only
    -does not give actual medical diagnoses

  174. Aphasia a disturbance of the comprehension and expression of language caused by dysfunction in the brain. (From wikipedia’s Aphasia entry)

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