So HLN asked me if I’d write a piece for them about having sex after babies, but I pointed out that I think sex after having a baby isn’t all that different from sex after any other desperately demanding job that causes complete exhaustion and irritability. An overworked, kid-free friend of mine told me that her husband recently tried to seduce her by saying, “We’re not stopping until the sheets are soaked.” And then she was like, “Well then I guess we’re both gonna have to pee in the bed because I’m stopping in about 10 minutes. Some of us have shit to do, Kevin. And also, no one wants their sheets ‘soaked’ in body fluids because first of all, ew, and secondly, that just sounds dangerous. Dehydration is a silent killer. Also, we don’t even have the waterproof mattress cover on because it’s in the wash and someone didn’t put it in the dryer. Did you mean to say that we wouldn’t stop until the sheets are “vaguely damp”? Because that would be preferable. No one wants to sleep on a soggy mattress, Kevin. That’s how people get cholera.”
And that’s why sex after having a baby is very similar to sex after starting an exhausting but wonderful full-time job that never ends, which is sort of what motherhood really is if we’re being honest. But then I said that I really didn’t want to write about sex anyway because I’m a fucking lady and HLN read my theory about how cholera is spread and then agreed that I should just avoid that topic. Then they suggested I write about “Pintrest Moms” instead and so I did.
And shockingly, they just published it.
It’s possible it might offend people more than the sex thing. Hard to tell with people.
165 thoughts on “This is why I’m almost never asked to write for the news.”
Read comments below or add one.
I’m hyperventilating here. I probably shouldn’t read your blog at work when the guys in the next cubicle are having a conference call, because laughing until I snort cola wouldn’t go over well.
Honestly, I think my sex life would be more exciting if my to-do list wasn’t neverending, because some of us do have shit to do, Kevin.
You’re so awuesome.
Sex after a baby isn’t the problem – it’s sex after your baby is old enough to open the door you forgot to lock and then is old enough to repeat embarrassing things in front of your friends.
I don’t know who Kevin is married to, but I just decided I’m a fan of her too (you know, in addition to you. 🙂 ).
I wouldn’t want soaked sheets. That’s disgusting. Ew. It makes me want to wash my sheets and they’re not even damp.
Thank heaven I forgot to have children. 🙂
Well… that explains the cholera.
Also, didn’t get to say hi or congrats this weekend at Mom 2.0 – but “hi” and “congrats”!
This is the most fabulously TRUE thing I have read in like FOREVER.
Nailed it. Pinterest Moms are zombies for real
FACT. There’s a reason there’s a clock next to my bed, and it’s not so I can get out of bed in a timely fashion in the morning. It’s because I am on a tight schedule and every minute I spend sexing is a minute I’m not spending asleep.
My poor husband.
Hubby forgot to put the mattress under cover sheet on after a big laundry run and I wouldn’t have sex with him till it was back on… 7 weeks later he finally put it on… not sure if his laziness or my lack of sex appeal is more sad.
Hmm.. ok.. Off to read your Pinterest piece 😉 God I can’t concentrate.. my kids are way too loud.. big hearts J!
*Pinterest. Sorry, I can’t seem to turn off my inner editor.
My boyfriend and I just went for three hours last night. I didn’t have shit to do and I’m never having kids so I don’t ever have to worry about that. Just wanted to brag.
The wet spot. Ew.
Gluten-free suspenders? Thank the universe that they exist. Now I can eat suspenders again. Love you, Jenny!
And this is why having rubber sheets for a king-sized bed is always a good idea. And not just for the normal reasons — like Cake Day.
Oversharing. I love it and it’s why I keep coming back.
I am going to go ahead and suggest a water proof mattress cover to you- now you don’t have to worry about cholera. You can also do that think in OTHER places..;.. just sayin.. lol.
Finally! Someone else says it. Pinterest is fun, but it is seriously full of folks with too much time on their hands – and money.
The teepee, vintage record player, and chevron curtains… you sure you don’t spend much time on Pinterest? 😉
So the book probably should’ve been more accurately called “Love In The Time of Soggy Mattresses” which probably would’ve sold WAY more copies.
The pinterest article made me laugh out loud because Bento boxes for toddlers are stupid and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN HAVE CLEAN HOUSES.
Possibly I’m just really lazy though.
My husband woke me one night to ask me to sleep in his sweat – the sheets were soaked and I was pissed. Does that count?
I am DYING! This Kevin guy has high standards now…could you even imagine if you sweat that much? I don’t even work out that hard!
Why are guys so freaking gross? Also, I love you.
That is the most honest thing anyone has ever written about sex. And the funniest.
You article on HLN was priceless! I know these pinterest moms and I feel I’m like you- I can appreciate what they do, but it’s not for me. Also, thank you for saying such a great thing about motherhood- it is a full time job! HLN kinda sounds silly.
I would have published it too
Perfect article! I’ve had to forward this onto all my pinterest hater friends because this is the exact reason they hate it! hahaha! Imagine that. 🙂
Also, I hate to say it… if my husband ever used the “we’re not stopping until the sheets are soaked” line on me, I can guarantee we’d never get started in the first place. That sounds exhausting.
OMG I think my desk chair is now vaguely damp after laughing so much I leaked bodily fluids LOL
Oooh. This one is good:). Had no idea you were taking us into the land of Pinterest until the VERY END. 🙂
I’m not married and don’t have kids. I would like to write about it just because I had some and would HAVE something to write about.
I know better than to take a sip of something when reading you, but I did it anyway. Now my desktop is soaked. Maybe that’s what Kevin meant? OMG DID I JUST HELP START A CHOLERIC EPIDEMIC?? Quick, to Pinterest! There must be a pin for 102 ways to get cholera out of your keyboard…
word of advice: don’t put your waterproof cover in the dryer; it’ll melt. #experience
I’m not overworked or a mom and I still think that’s not a sexy line.
That reminds me of the reggae hit from the 90s. “Sweat” where he promises to make her sweat till she can’t sweat no more, and that always just seemed like heat exhaustion and early death to me. Could he maybe just massage my feet and get me some bacon instead?
It is amazing how you have this magical ability to brighten my day. I’m writing a damned article about the esophagus. I wish it was about sex. Or pinterest. Or sexy pinterest.
I think you should post your article on sex after babies here…just for us. Because we won’t judge.
Also? I remember my husband coming at me a few weeks after I’d given birth (with a FOURTH DEGREE EPISIOTOMY) and I was all “I will CUT you, mister…if there are still stitches, you know the answer to your own damn question.”
For those who do not know what a fourth degree episiotomy is…the best way to describe it? Is that there is no such thing as a fifth degree episiotomy.
Think about it.
The comments are killing me here….
The next time my husband asks for sex, I’m all too likely to say “Some of us have shit to do, Kevin” which will lead to him wanting to know who the fuck Kevin is and then I’ll have to explain that there is no Kevin (like what woman with children has time for an affair?!) and by the time he calms down, he’ll have forgotten about having sex and I’m off the hook. You are a fucking genius!
I’m with FirstNightDesign up at #7! Amen sister!
Reblogged this on Smug Singleton and commented:
I’m just gonna leave this here, because it’s amazing.
“An overworked, kid-free friend of mine told me that her husband recently tried to seduce her by saying, ‘We’re not stopping until the sheets are soaked.’ And then she was like, ‘Well then I guess we’re both gonna have to pee in the bed because I’m stopping in about 10 minutes. Some of us have shit to do, Kevin.'”
That made me want a teepee in my living room…with a tiki bar in it.
Mmmmmmmmm…. Artisan beer in frosty mason jar… aahhhhhh…
When your overloaded breasts begin to leak in the grocery store and soak the front of your shirt, when your cholicy newborn will not be satisfied with anything you do, when you haven’t slept in weeks, when your frantic brain won’t stop running that gerbil wheel in your head, when your MIL won’t stop telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, when you have once again failed to squeeze your ass into your favorite pre-pregnancy jeans, when threatening to throw your breast pump off the deck and sailing into the neighbor’s yard, when your husband, all cheery and shit, calls in the middle of the afternoon to ask, “howzit goin’ babe?”, when you finally realize that your life will NEVER be the same, that is when the very mention of sex brings homicidal thoughts to the forefront of your hormone raging mind. Sex? Really? I’d rather insert pointy things into my eyes while soaking in a tub of ice water. The idea of sex never returns in earnest until your child is grown and gone, and suddenly, you’ve hit your mid-life “prime,” but alas your spouse can’t stay up past getting the dinner dishes done, so you send that frilly bustier back to Frederick’s of Hollywood and you settle for getting your thrills from every episode of Game of Thrones that’s currently available on Netflix. Plenty of people getting action there…too bad it’s so incestuous and twisty and full of gory death stuff. Yes, I’d like some sex now. Do you know any cool guys that are into 52 year old empty-nester milfs?
Poor, overeager Kevin.
And as for the article… SQUATTER’S RIGHTS!!! If I had a mantra that would be it.
Soggy mattresses are gross. And disease-ridden.
Now I’m pissed I didn’t search you out on Saturday night, for the sake of fucks. This only serves as the reminder that I started head-nodding to you almost 7 years ago for a reason. All the right kind of that reason to boot.
I love your article about Pinterest moms. I am a Pinterest teacher (there are really some awesome ideas there for teachers), and some of the stuff I see there just make me laugh. I am guessing these moms have a lot of money AND no job. Otherwise, when would they have the time to make this stuff? Anyway, I am glad to see that other moms find that stuff ridiculously over-the-top and totally unnecessary!
Yeah, KEVIN. Get some perspective.
I absolutely love it. I can’t believe they actually published it! But yup, right on the button with that.
Perhaps some plastic covers would have worked better, oh wait. Then they would have just slipped of the bed completely. Bad idea. Actually sex over 10 minutes in general is a bad idea.
I suck at giving advice.
Congrats on the Pinterest article.
I must have had sex since I have two kids, but I remember not wanting to be touched for a while. That was a long time ago!
As I read your article I thought it seemed shockingly normal. And then I got to the part about drunkenly crawling into teepees and I thought, “Oh, there you are Jenny”. Now I want a teepee. Also, the comments on this post are killing me.
I love you. (In a very non-creepy way) 😀
Wait. You mean that ISN’T how cholera is spread?
If that’s how people get cholera, then is there a similar explanation for why the measles is going around again?
Lol, gluten free suspenders!
Haha ah Gawd you had me at “dehydration is a silent killer.” I’m ready for your next book, Jenmeister.
For some reason, the “Need to Know” pull outs at the top of the HLN article crack me up. But now I’ve got SHIT TO DO, KEVIN.
You’re absolutely fantastic. Your writing always makes my day. Just fantastic.
I love you so much. Seriously. You put my batshitcrazy ass thoughts into words on paper, I mean whatever our monitors are made up of. You make me laugh and smile…why the hell aren’t you on every woman’s radar? ILUVUMAN! Keep it up…I am sooooo glad I discovered you….
Thanks for the daily smile!!!! Teresa livin the life in Spokayne
“….because I’m stopping in about 10 minutes. Some of us have shit to do, Kevin”.
And if I’ve got to do laundry to wash these damn soaked sheets, then you’re down to 5 minutes Kevin.
Don’t even need to read it to know it’s fabulous. But now I’m going to… after I pour a Prosecco. You are a delight.
Ewww… Kevins are creepy!
And of course, it’s hilarious. And as usual… I’m left wanting more. xoxo
Unless I’m suddenly in an alternate universe -where my husband wouldn’t mind- and Ian Somerhalder miraculously decides he wants to “go until the sheets are soaked” with an overweight, mother-of-three, thyroid-deficient me, the entire idea is disgusting. Ian Somerhalder sweat combined with making ME sweat? Surprisingly un-gross. Oh wait…that’s just the fantasy I have every time I watch an episode of The Vampire Diaries….
I should KNOW better than to read your blogs in public! Can I just suggest some kind of rating system? This would really be a public service you’d be doing. I know the guy sitting across from me wearing my tea would be the first to thank you.
1 star – “Let’s Have a Moment of Serious.” No one will laugh here, but you may cry, so have a tissue ready.
2 star – Mildly funny, with chance of tearing up.
3 star – There’s some really funny shit in here, but you should be able to hold it back if you’ve been reading my blogs long enough.
4 star – You’re-going-to-laugh-out-loud-and-blow-tea-out-of-your-nose-in-public funny.
Ew. Ew ew ew. Yet another load of dirty laundry is not the happy ending women are hoping for, Kevin. Not even close.
um, i think i’m glad i didn’t marry anyone named kevin now. also, it makes me a little bit happy that the strangest thing my husband has done was to lay on top of me (fully clothed, geesh) while singing ‘my heart will go on’.
and it does take all kinds, but i do judge some of the kinds… but i don’t tell them i’m judging them.
“That’s how people get cholera.” You, Jenny, are perfection. That is all.
I’m laughing so hard!
First. Because I JUST GOT OFF PINTEREST after like 3 hours of wasting the HECK out of a rainy cold morning. But it’s been so long since I was on that site that I forgot my login info AND password, so I’m not a Pinterest Mom or anything…(shudder)
Second, because I just read somewhere that you sweat like A LITER in bed at night. Just sleeping. Each. It makes me want to change our sheets every day as it is, let alone any other activities that cause further, um, laundry issues.
And the before and after kids, uh…yeah…what everyone else said.
Although learning to be S-I-L-E-N-T when it counts, isn’t all it cracked up to be.
I’m so proud of you.
You are wonderful. And your Pinterest piece makes me laugh, as usual. (I am totally on Pinterest because it helps me to not become a hoarder. My house isn’t any cleaner, though.)
If you’re having sheet soaking sex after having a baby, you probably don’t have time for Pintrest. And if you do, you really can do it all! I don’t care who you offend with that piece, I’m in awe with you of any mom who manages to do all of that and not have a nervous break down. They’re insane!
Jesus H Christ, didn’t John Snow demonstrate that Cholera was caused by a waterborne pathogen in, like, 1854? It doesn’t just magically show up in a wet spot. (I know, I’m not getting laid either.)
I thought your post was very funny… Until I read the article. Masterpiece. (And I’m pretty sure I know what that word means.)
You rock, Jenny. I needed that laugh, thank you.
Honestly, I doubt you even read all these, but I seriously have to leave a comment for once. I finished your book “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” while procrastinating studying for my finals in the winter of 2012. (Really, my older sister had just finished the book and told me I had to read it.) Anyways, reading your blog posts is now part of my de-stressing before finals schedule, which just so happens to be this week. It’s a bit of a tradition, that none of my nursing friends fully understands or appreciates. Although this technically doesn’t have anything to do with this post… I just wanted to say thanks!! =)
I didn’t think it was possible to love you any more, but I do.
“Because some of us have shit to do, Kevin” needs to be on a coffee cup or pillow case…
If she’s still alive and still married, Kevin is a saint. Had she been married to me, that “overworked, kid-free wife” would find herself on the curb with a large bootprint on one of her buttocks. No, it doesn’t matter which one.
I have to say your friend makes some very compelling and strong arguments. Way to go Kevin…… hahah
omg….should have known better than to open this at work!!!!!!! I an trying very very hard to maintain my stern librarian demeanor but Jenny girlfriend…..you don’t make it easy!!!!!!
This just goes to show you should write for the news more. Far more entertaining than who which Kardashian clone is sleeping with this week, or any other stuff I see on a far too regular basis.
Also I have literally never heard the term “Pinterest Moms” before, but what I gathered from your fantastic article was that they are people who have teepee’s INSIDE THEIR HOUSE?!?!?! That’s fab.
Both pieces were hilarious. I’d write more, but I have shit to do, like keep cholera from spreading in my bedroom. Where did I put the lysol?
Love your take on Pinterest Moms. Although, I would have loved reading the comments on HLN if they had published your cholera theory! My take on Pinterest Moms is let them do what they do while you do what you do… no need to judge. There were moms doing all that kind of stuff before Pinterest was even invented.
I like your piece!
Jennie, you are killing me! And also reminded me of “Love in the time of Cholera”. Gabriel Garcia Marquez would love your post too, I’m sure.
Take what you can get, Kevin.
I should have known better than to read your post while I was eating and now I’m not sure whether it was the cheesy come-on, or laughing that made me vurp.
I loved it. Comparing yourself to other mothers SUUUUUUCCCCKKKS.
I like getting inspiration from those uber bloggers/mothers/whatevers for lunch. But for the love of God, will someone please tell me how they get that food to work/school without it going everywhere!?
I think sex and pinterest both need more TARDIS.
I love pinning on Pinterest. I have yet to get good at going back to said pins and actually trying to do anything with them. For me, it’s pretty much a waste of time. But who doesn’t like pretty pictures and pretending you’ll be creative one day?
I do not like sweaty sheets, bad come-ons, cholera, or Pinterest crazies. I do like eating food and drinking cocktails that other people have made after perusing Pinterest though.
As always, I’d read whatever you wrote!
Whenever I come home from work after a long and somewhat frustrating day, I check to see if you’ve posted something new… and inevitably wind up smiling, nodding, or snorting with laughter when you have. Thank-you! You have turned around many a grumpy mood for me just by being you.
This is really two posts in one..because you kind of wrote about sex after babies..(I am for it, by the way) and then pinterest mom thing. I just look at pretty and odd pictures and recipes there. I avoid the mommies.
Bahahaha! Yeah I’m geeking over here in Massachusetts. I do wish you were my neighbor………seriously!
Tsk, Yeah, KEVIN! Love this post! And the Pinterest one too!
“Some of us have shit to do, KEVIN.” Just became my new catchphrase.
You are my hero, non-Pinterest Mom.
I feel as if you might be my spirit animal. No doubt my spirit animal definitely drinks wine and definitely does not do their baby nursery in grey scale. Thank you for being the one person on the internet who truly speaks to me…mostly with pictures of oddly taxidermied animals.
Genius, pure brilliance. Now I have to go, because I’ve got shit to do, Kevin.
Oh God, will someone please tell this to my husband?!! Some of us do have shit to do!
My hubs name is Kevin, I plan on using this new line often. Thank you!
The whole Kevin thing made me remember a hilarious facebook conversation from a few months back. One of my friends is dating a guy named Kevin. Her loving son posted this Spongebob clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLzgTd4YDyY “Hi Kevin” and it set several of us off on a series of “what if the guy you were dating was named___.” We found clips of famous characters and made references to each. My favorite was “What if you dated a guy named Inigo?” I’m sure you can guess what clip followed that one!
My husband and I have two king sized beds. One is a memory foam bed for sleeping, the other is a stiff spring mattress (with a waterproof cover), for sex. Last night the sex bed did indeed get soaked. It is a little gross, honestly, but once my body figured out how to ejaculate (yes I am a girl), it was like – I am never going back!!! We generally put down a towel and the bed still gets soaked. Bodies are weird.
@Rachel (#110): Two words: Incontinence pad. Like you’d put under your aged parent who can’t make it through the night or to the bathroom. I used to use 2 or 3 towels but the sheet still got wet, and sometimes the mattress pad too. Incontinence pad makes that all better. Highly recommended.
pintrest moms = stepford wives. Jenny I love you! Sex after a baby? What? I wanted my 2nd baby so badly I created my own sperm for him.
I enjoyed this!
Great article. I’d still like to read the other one, though!
So freaking funny (and true!) about the soaked sheets thing. I mean “once upon a time” (in our early 30’s), maybe that was hot. And you know….my husband and I have tried some pretty freaky stuff, so maybe there even was pee involved. But it’s also extremely possible we were just so drunk, that it really was an accident…haha… Anyhooo, I’m totally digressing. Point is: Sex??? What’s that?
I’m 45 now. Busier than EVER before and my one-and-only kid is now 13. I’m not chasing diapers anymore but somehow I’m busier! The sexual dynamo I was certain I’d be til they toss me in the kiln, so-to-speak, has packed her bags and set sail for a destination unknown. Perhaps it’s the crazy over 40 hormones. Maybe it’s my work schedule what with massage and writing, soccer and training transport throughout the week, the countless errands and house crap that needs to get done. It’s all just exhausting. Who has the energy for a zesty romp after a day like that? Not I, said the fly, with a pie in his eye. (I couldn’t resist that. I use to say that when I was a kid. I loved rhyming and illiteration).
Anyway- who doesn’t LOVE a good orgasm? These days, I prefer to knock out one or two all by myself. Less time. No contorting. No laying there feeling guilty because you’re about to fall asleep. And….NO SOAKED SHEETS, because first of all, “Ewwww”. And secondly, guess who has to launder that shit?! You guessed it.
“Toss me in the kiln” : That’s cremation speak versus “put me in the ground”, for those who prefer to be embalmed in nasty smelling fluid, laid in a box in which people can gawk, then buried like a doggy bone. I guess I’d rather be “burned and returned” (to the Earth and maybe a small part of me in a keepsake box for my son to display on his mantle haha). I’m sure some people think that’s equally as “eeewwwy”. To each his own. Team crispy!
At this point, Jenny, you could get ANYONE to publish your weekly grocery list… you’re just that good.
Well done, by the way.
I keep hearing, “Some of us have shit to do, Kevin” in Catherine O’Hara’s voice. This is a rather poor choice of voices for that line.
Right now…both wet sex and pintrest moms make me feel exhausted. But your writing is awesome and puts a smile on my face. Thanks again!
I didn’t realize babies could have sex and if they can why do I have to wait for them to be done before I have sex?
Loved your article on HLN. I can relate to the whole crazy pinterest thing when I decided to throw my niece and a bunch of little girls a princess party. I became obsessed to include every accessory that every pinterest mom included and posted of their parties. A very successful party but then realized I had to wean myself off of those crazy boards. Good thing I only have sons. They don’t care if I served dirt at their parties. Oh the simplicity of men. Except for sex. I’ve come across the whole oh let’s soak the sheets or let’s grease it up. Yuck!!! A beautiful sexy evening shouldn’t end with me having to do laundry. Actually, it might be sexier if he’d do the laundry.
My long distance girlfriend is moving in with me in October, and I said something very similar to her recently.
We’re always joking about how we’re going to die after particularly strenuous sex, so
It’s good to know it’s because of the cholera.
I mean, it’s cool and all but i prefer to wait like 18 years or so after childbirth for sex. Nevada and Hawaii aside of course…. wait what were we talking about?
Well, ok. Not only do I see Pinterest Mom’s in a whole new light…I see sex in a whole new light.
I might try your friends line on my husband. Just to see the reaction I get.
You know. Yeah. I might have to toss in an “ew” if I don’t get the response I want though.
great post and a great article! yeah, deep down we are all the same. anytime that someone alludes to the fact the someone else’s life is perfect i remind them… and myself that they are just better at hiding their crazy…. or messes….or whatever. i would rather wear my crazy on my sleeve.. along with my emotions… which i guess is the same many times. because personally i think the most fun people do. and congratulations on your award jenny! cheers!
Now I have to find a way to work this phrase into a conversation “No one wants to sleep on a soggy mattress, Kevin. That’s how people get cholera.”
I always wanted to open a bar and call it THE WET SPOT. If I ever do, Kevin drinks for free.
I don’t know how those pinterest moms do it!! I don’t even have kids and I can barley dress myself in the morning.
I love this!
To “me” at comment #78, I thought at first you were talking about Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, and I was all like, “I’m mostly sure Jon Snow didn’t solve the Cholera thing because we all know ‘you know nothing, Jon Snow.’ But it’s okay because he’s really pretty when he takes his shirt off.” And then I realized you were talking about a real scientist and not a fictional character, and you completely lost me.
Re: Kevin. That was disgusting, but now I have a line I’m pretty sure will work on a dude. It’s been a while, so I might actually be willing to risk Cholera to get laid. I’d definitely risk Cholera to get laid by Jon Snow.
(RE: Jon Show ~ I THOUGHT THE EXACT SAME THING. ~ Jenny)
Now I never want to have sex or get cholera again. Post that on Pinterest!
This is terrifying. Glad I got to see you in Atlanta Saturday night!
Also, sex after kids is different because now you know that sex produces children and that it’s not just an urban legend meant to scare people away from delicious sex. I’m a forty-something doughy white guy and I just wrote “delicious sex.”
Are you on instagram? There is a picture I want you to see.
(I’m the only person on the planet who still isn’t on instagram. ~ Jenny)
Oh Jenny, you always brighten my day. Love the Pinterest Moms article, especially “SQUATER’S RIGHTS!” I’d love to call that at other people’s houses – which are invariably so much cleaner and better furnished than mine. But my wins the prize for furriest so hey, I guess I win in that regard.
agreed!! funny. I made a “instagramed” a quote once that “the organizational level of pintrest moms make me want to seek therapy.” will check out your piece.
All over the world, people are saying, “I have shit to do,Kevin”!
That was too freaking funny!!!!
Not only are you hilarious and awesome, your readers are just as talented. I swear, I laughed as much reading the comments as I did over both this post and your Pinterest article. It makes for a very happy afternoon,
Soaked!? Fucking ewwww.. So, we ALL have to sleep in the wet spot? Fuck that noise.
How about sex after you’ve eaten too much and feel bloaty? Or sex after you had to put up with his mother all day, and you want to kill him? Or sex after he cleaned the whole house…you’re not that into it…but you want to encourage that behavior through operant conditioning?
Sex after childbirth:
Husband thinks large, engorged breasts are “hot”. I reply- “Fuck Off!!! They’re hard as softballs, engorged with breast milk and leak to high pitched noises, and have more veins than Memaw’s gnarly, arthrithitic hands.”
Boner no longer.
Sex until the sheets are soaked? Hubby knows way better than to say something that stupid to me pre or post-kids. He knows I’d make him change the sheets afterwards and he hates that. I have him trained well.
To me Pinterest is a place to pin stuff about LOTR, Avengers and the other fandoms I find myself a member of against my will. 😉 I also pin recipes, some of which I’ve actually tried. I also pin research for different novels I’m considering writing. Only recently have I started pining stuff related to my kiddos. I’m weird. 🙂
I love diseases. They are awesome. So thanks for the shout out to cholera.
“Some people have shit to do, Kevin.” I am still laughing with tears in my eyes. I cannot wait to use this on my husband. “Some people have shit to do, Nick.” BAHAHAHAHA. That way I can continue working on my Pinterest crafts. 🙂
I think this is the most accurate and hilarious thing I have read so far this week.
Truer words have never been spoken! I am still laughing. who wants cholera anyway
Think I may start replying to all requests with “some of us have shit to do, Kevin”. Also, Victor needs to get you an eco-friendly teepee and some gluten-free suspenders asap 😉
I tried to be that Pintrest Mom this weekend. Thought I’d go all Pintrest on Star Wars Day… I had good intentions. Then I woke up and said “hellz no, I’m going back to bed”. Cause let’s face it, “some of us have shit to do, Kevin”. Love it.
Congrats. I think that’s awesome.
Yes, exactly! I don’t have the ability to actually BE a Pinterest mom, but I sure do love having them as friends! Bring on the boozy drinks and perfect parties!
THAT’S how people get cholera? Jesus you learn something new every day.
I think I might be one of these moms. I think I need help…
I took over my daughters school project and made her cry. I am a horrible, horrible, person.
Where would one find a Pintrest Anonymous meeting?
I would have published both of those! We need more honesty about all those sorts of things.
You are awesome and hilarious!
Thank you – everything at work this week so far has been a flustercluck that I have had to fix. The pintrest article made me laugh out loud. I so needed that. And then I realized if you called it Pintyrst, you could have combined the article with this blog post. And suddenly I felt very clever – momentarily.
I’ve been reading this blog for ages now but for some reason THIS was the post that made me feel that I had to comment right away and say:
I love you. Not in a creepy stalkerish kinda way…. well ok, I promise it won’t be stalkerish! And actually I don’t love you…. just your brain. Not even your whole brain, just the part of your brain that connects your thoughts to words; that part rocks. So if I’m ever arrested for stalking you, know that it’s not you, just part of your brain. (Hmm…. now I just sound like a zombie. Do they arrest zombies?)
I’m so glad that I can come back to this blog whenever I have time and just read and laugh and/or cry. Your ability to write about depression and anxiety, and even just talking about the fact that you can’t always talk about it….. Today a 14 year old student told me that it really makes her happy when I put a smiley face next to her grade in glitter pen on every test that she does well. I hope that this post can make you feel as happy as I did when I realized that my little glitter smileys actually break through to a teenager and make her day better.
In other things, I was curious to see if damp mattresses actually caused cholera. I googled and didn’t get my question answered but it did lead me to a site with this title “Writing Children’s Books For Dummies”…. it was in the section “creating a spellbinding scene”. Apparently the internet is telling you there’s another genre you should be tackling!
New to your blog. I love it! Recently became a blogger myself. Love it too.
YOU are hilarious, but the comments here ….. wooooo! I can’t stop giggling.
I found out these pinterest moms don’t sleep. And they steal the Ritalin from their kids. That is how they do it.They also don’t ever admit fault…so its a very stepford wife kind of life…which no thanks. Will take my semi messy house and bed at a reasonable time any day over mindless agreement with the “pack” of pinterest moms. My kid will still have a kick ass themed birthday party if I want, but I WILL be cranky and exhausted and there WILL be booze served for the other adults who are cranky and exhausted.
this cracked my shit up. so did the pinterest post. thanks for the smile!
Kelley O – thanks for the suggestion!!! I am totally going to get some of those. Last night again, we (okay, me -_-) soaked everything, and even though that is what the bed is FOR, it is still way too gross, and I was too tired after to clean it. I will totally be getting some of those pads!! Thanks!
So a little milk might have come out of my nose when I got to the SQUATTERS RIGHTS part of the pinterest moms piece. After re-reading my sentence, I think I should point out that I was eating cereal while reading that piece. I can’t randomly squirt milk from my nose. Although, that would be cool, and gross, and convenient if you could get past the gross factor.
I snorted my tea when I read- “Dressing For The First Day of Preschool For Under $800”. Holy shet. That was funny.
Reblogged this on the knack initiative and commented:
This woman is awesome. I have been reading her blog for about five minutes now and I’m just obsessed. Knack, out.