I’m stuck on this deer. Literally.

Victor says I never accomplish anything when he’s out of town but I spent yesterday super-gluing tiny rhinestones to a taxidermied deer’s nose so that it would look more magical. So there, Victor.

PS. I bought the deer in a thrift shop because it looks exactly like Victor when he’s like “What the hell is wrong with you?

What are you doing?
“Honestly.  What are you doing?  I’m just baffled.”

And the answer is that I’m rescuing a battered old deer head to turn him into the kind of magical bad-ass who looks fit to hang out with The White Witch of Narnia.

I’m not even close to finished yet, but it’s a work-in-progress…

After
After

PPS. I accidentally super glued my thumb to a dead deer’s face so now I can check that one off my bucket list. Victor said it doesn’t count because no one has that on their bucket list, but I do my bucket list in reverse order (writing down the items I want to accomplish after I’ve already accomplished them) so that I’m always caught up.   So now I can also scratch off “dismantle a chandelier” and “bedazzle a corpse”.  Also, “annoy victor from several States away”. He claims that one was already accomplished long ago but now I’m trying to set a record for distance.

204 thoughts on “I’m stuck on this deer. Literally.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I never had a bucket list before, but I think I could totally rock one if I ran it like you do. That makes life so much easier. We should do this with to-do lists, too.

    LOVE the look the deer is giving off. And the bedazzledness.

  2. Not sure how I feel about that santa like beard thing going on, but everything else is fantastic! Especially with the added doll looking like she’s doing some type of dance move, Its giving me this magical hippie vibe, between the deer and doll. I feel like they’re going to be great friends….
    My imagination is getting away from me. Let me stop.

  3. Dude, if James McAvoy magically pops out of your wardrobe, I’m going to discover my own innate bedazzling taxidermy skills…

  4. Our decorated deer is named Earl Milford because he’s very quiet. He wears a jaunty scarf and Mardi Gras beads. He’s a real conversation starter. Or ender, depending on the company.

  5. That’s the sexiest deer I’ve ever seen. And the shiniest. And sparkliest. Is sparkliest a word? Who cares, that’s a fine looking deer. And I’m glad you were able to get your thumb off his nose. It’s one thing to thumb YOUR nose at people. But thumbing a deer’s nose may be unkind in some cultures.

  6. From straight on, does the deer look like it’s saying,”Honestly, Why am I blinged? I’m just baffled.” Or just looks more mysterious now…

  7. I honestly don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. It’s just sad…….shooting those poor innocent animals and then nailing them up on a wall, without any accessorizing at all. Shameful. You’ve slaughtered a defenseless creature, can’t you at least bling it up?? You go, Jenny…as always, setting trends for the rest of us.

  8. I think you should call him Jasmine or Ziba. Yes, they’re women’s names, but he is fucking fabulous and I don’t think we should question his life choices.

  9. I’ve read your book. I’ve listened to your audio book. I’ve seen you do a book reading in person, and I have watched your appearances on TV. I’ve read hundreds of your blog posts, and even more of your “tweets,” yet somehow after seeing what you did to that deer the following thought occurred to me for the first time ever…

    “Man, Jenny is really strange.”

    Congratulations? Maybe?

    Cheers,
    dave

  10. I too write my bucket list in reverse. The accomplishment I’m most proud of so far is ‘pee naked with a tarantula balanced on my boob.’

  11. I once super-glued my fingers together while at work. I had to hunt around for someone with nail polish removed to get them unstuck – which itself was painful. Clearly you have more fun with super-glue than I do.

  12. Too mu h awesome! Though it does seem like the dolls are doing some kind of worship dance around their new king, the mighty “dazzle stag”

  13. That could have been Victor, if he would just sit still long enough…
    He does know your the one I’m charge of his funeral arrangements.
    Jenny, you MUST out live him, if only for
    him to have the most epic funeral ever.

  14. You treat your bucket list like I treat my to-do list at work. At the end of the day, I write down all of the things I accomplished, then cross them all off, then leave the list conspicuously on my desk so everyone can see how much I’ve done… and nobody know how much I didn’t get done…

  15. I’m having mixed feelings about this one. I’m not sure about the fringe. Also, super-gluing myself to anything is not on my bucket list, but it’s on my “Things to do while I’m alive, but not necessarily before I die.” list.

  16. I think the nose needs more rhinestones. Many, many more. And I agree with the Elizabethan ruff idea. Perhaps cat eye sunglasses?

  17. this is the first time in my life I have ever imagined a deer doing the dance of the seven veils. What have you awakened here and how do I put it back to sleep?

  18. That is the second greatest thing I’ve seen all week. The first was the first 30 minutes of Kevin Smith’s just finished and yet unreleased film “Tusk” at his live podcast in my hometown (a dude gets drugged, kidnapped, and basically turned into a human walrus…but in a fun way). Any other week and you totally would have had the top spot.

  19. I’m with Andrea Cotham about more bling needed on the nose. More rhinestones, or maybe fill in the spaces with complimentary colored glitter? So that it’s super, duper sparkly, as befitting it’s personality.

  20. Ah, but have you ever frolicked with a bunch of juvenile lemurs? I have. That’s another one for your bucket list.

  21. Do you have a therapist lined up for when that poor cross dressing deer has his first identity crisis? Probably not, right? I suppose it’s hard to find a qualified therapist for this situation. Poor deer’s gonna have to figure it out on his own :/

  22. I LOVE him, or her…you know…I am so damn sorry that my office is the unfunny place that it is, because I really, really wanted to laugh out loud at this.

  23. OMG… that white fringe-y thing covering his/her face… I die. It’s like a harem outfit. Now I want to do something like this, but Geisha style.

  24. That deer needs a fabulous pair of vintage screw back sparkly earrings. That will make the look.

    Also, nbla1234 @ #7, I want to like your comment. Spot on.

  25. Nice work! A couple thoughts:
    A. You should totally make a getup like that for Victor to put on before he gets to give you that look.
    (A1. please post pictures if you do. Maybe if you dress up his imperial soldier helmet he’ll go along with it?)
    B. I’m not entirely sure I understand your choice of long white mutton chops with all the bling, but you created way more than I did today so what the hell do I know?

    Also you should totally auction off custom bedazzled vintage taxidermy for charity. Because for some reason some of us would totally buy that.

  26. Be-dazzled AND bewildered – perfect!!! I love that Lizette is dancing while the Ellowynes are all, “Meh”.

  27. Your posts always make my day. I have faith in your annoying Victor from as far away as possible and corpse bedazzling skills. 🙂
    xxPenny

  28. I’m guessing that’s the look on Victor’s face when he actually saw the rhinestone deer nose (I can’t believe I actually had a reason to write those particular words in conjunction with each other–thank you for that). I think we need a side by side picture of Victor and the deer for comparison.

  29. Rhinestones, chandelier crystals and shimmy fringe – oops, someone got caught either crashing a Gatsby bash or a Texas cheerleader tryout.

  30. A. Oh my gods. I love it.
    B. I think your bucket list approach is the sanest and best one I have EVER heard.

  31. I read the description of the deer looking like Victor’s “WTF” expression … and then I scrolled down and actually saw the first picture.

    At which point, I proceeded to laugh so hard and so loud that I’m grateful I’m the only one in my office right now.

    (PS. “Bedazzling a corpse”. I think you just won the bucket lists.)

  32. Cute look! I love how you take a basic dead animal and make it into something pretty enough that I’d actually consider having it in my house. Maybe you could go into custom-decorated taxidermy and sell it through your shop? ‘Corse the shipping costs would be astromical…

  33. He looks like Sven from the movie Frozen, when he gets covred in ice crystals! Love ir. Much better than scary taxidermy.

  34. Gorgeous! May I suggest ear cuffs with dangles?
    There are some fantastical designs out there on the webz for inspiration.

  35. That’s totally how I write my bucket list, too! Well, it would be, if I actually wrote it down. But I don’t. It’s only in my head. But it’s awesome. Trust me. It includes stuff like working in a chocolate factory and patting a moose on the knee. They make a funny noise when you do that.

  36. I just want to tell you right now that I adore you, and I always will!! ❤️

  37. @Beth_Bartlett (@ #94)—BWAHAHAHA!!!!

    I don’t think he needs any further bling—I kinda like his masculinity!

  38. I once helped pierce the ears of a woman my supervisor was embalming. (I worked in a mortuary.) (I think I just heard your sigh of relief.)

    It was one of her last wishes. Her husband had forbidden her to do it during their marriage and since she died before he did, her daughter asked us to do it for the open casket service.

    Does that count as bedazzling a corpse? Because I’d like that in the done column of my bucket list.

  39. Seriously, I’VE BEEN LOOKING for a deer head just like that one for about the last 6 yrs… I passed one up at an antique shop, it had the same look except it also looked like it might start talking to you any second. I wanted to put seasonal decorations or what not on it… Now I want one that’s looking at you with the ‘what you talkin’ ’bout Willis’ look so I can put it in my stair well and freak out unsuspecting people…

  40. This is why I’m not allowed to buy taxidermied animals.

    Though I will say that Mr.Spouse is fond of finding large, over priced bits of weirdness (20 foot tall metal dancing crane for $1500 anyone?) and daring me to buy it because “I BET JENNY DOESN’T HAVE ONE OF THOSE! If we buy it you can WIN THE INTERNET FOR SURE!”

  41. I freaking love this. And you. I really feel like his antlers should be spray painted silver or pewter or something. The White Witch would him to look icy. 🙂

  42. Seriously, this deer’s afterlife seems to have improved drastically since you prettied him. He’s smiling at you now! So blessed. False lashes now. Please.

  43. That deer is FAAAAABulous! It may be too late, and maybe I’ll save this idea for a caribou head I have access too here in Alaska, but bedazzling red rhinestones would make it look like Rudolph. AHHHH, where’s my bucket list?!? must add now.

  44. At first I thought the deer was wearing a glittery pair of panties on his head. Then I decided it’s a veil. I’m not sure about the “night of the seven veils” look that the deer has going on, but I love the bling in the antlers..

  45. I’m willing to bet a shiney new nickel that out there somewhere someone has “superglue thumb to a live deer’s face” on their bucket list. It’s a twisty twisty world out there.

  46. Hahaha that deer head is amazing and totally looks like he’s saying “What are you doing??”

    You’re hilarious and I love your bucket list idea.

  47. I’m not normally a dead animal on my wall person but that deer is fabulous. I want two!

  48. I have never had the urge to bedazzle anything before, but now I want my own dead, stuffed animal to make all sparkly.

  49. I think you need to make that deer more preppy. The Preppy Handbook says to get completely dressed and then remove one item. For me it would be the fringe. I love the fringe, but I think stepping back just that one piece would bring the baubles into finer focus.

  50. I don’t think I could love you more. This is fantastic. My wife would kill me if I did this. Lol

  51. This deer is so epically badass and fancy that I want to name him Gregory. “Gregory darling, could you bring me a scotch? Gregory, you’re a dashing fellow, Gregory. Gregory, you simply must get that checked, you never know what ‘things’ one can catch from women with loose morals. Har-Har-Har! I do say!”

  52. Also, this reminds me. Jenny, you need to google “vagazzle.” It’s fascinating. Although, afterwards, my own va-jay seems a little dull, just hanging out down there without glitter and gold.

  53. I love the quizzical look on the deer- “You’re going to glue WHAT to my face?”

  54. False eyelashes are a must. Please don’t add earrings, it’s just overkill. I have to admit I don’t like the white thing hanging on him. Well, I DO like it, but I think you need a fancy halter and attach it to that.

  55. The deer is awesome, he does look like he would hang out with the White Witch! I totally want him! Also your posts always brighten my days, thanks so much! What does Victor think of the deer version of him being prettied up? Are you going to do the same to him in his sleep?

  56. ocular #120, let us remember Rule 34: “There is porn of it; no exceptions.” From this it follows that no matter what it is, it is someone’s fondest wish. On a planet of seven billion plus, this need come as no surprise.

  57. I’m totally diggin’ the fringe veil — it makes him/her look like he/she belongs in a harem. But not in the Middle East — this harem is somewhere in the hill country or maybe in the mountains of Colorado.

  58. I turn to your blog for inspiring nuttoness. (Nuttoness is not a real word…yet). Thank you. I feel better. I think of you as one of my people even though you dont know me.
    -Heather, peaceof8.com

  59. White glittery eyelashes would give him a fabulous and magical winter wonderland aura. But no strings of lights, please, that would just be gauche.

  60. He looks great but I think you should paint his antlers. Last year a dog dragged a cow skull into my parents’ yard. My mother asked my nephew to get rid of it but he decided to paint it with that shiny paint used for model cars and put it in their pool room. My mother is mostly blind and my dad never goes in the pool room so they don’t know a shiny cow skull is sitting on top of their pool table. I don’t have a corpse available to bedazzle but I think a shiny cow skull could be a good substitute.

  61. I think your bucket list thing is brilliant. Then you always have something to look forward to no matter what. Morgan and Jack should give you a call about the sequel. Well…I guess that might be difficult..unless it’s about the coffee can’s backwards bucket list? I think I’m on to something.

  62. I should’ve asked this yesterday but I was dazzled by the bedazzling and forgot.

    Why is there a Barbie doing the hula next to it?
    Yes, I know there’s likely no answer, and so my question is mostly an existential one.

  63. My first thought was “It’s the Gandalf of deer”. Or it’s what Gandalf’s pet deer would look like. Either way, I totally get this. There are way too many undecorated taxidermied deer in my part of the country…

    Also, love the reverse bucket list. I thought I was the only one who does that–I totally write down stuff I JUST DID and then check it off. Yep–got THAT done…

  64. I love you. I wish we were neighbors. But if all of your readers who wish that had their wishes granted, we’d end up with some sort of weird commune with you as the Grand High Poobah of Fuckeduppery and us building apartments around your temple straight up, Hong Kong fashion, due to there not being enough room on the ground for everyone to be in adoration range at the same time.

    …that ended up in a really weird place. I think I need some coffee.

  65. Is it showing my age that just the other day I was totally thinking about Bedazzling some of my t-shirts? Although deer corpse? WAY better.

  66. Exquisite corpse (google it!)
    BTW, do you have Drag Queen Bingo in Texas, or is that just a Midwest thing?

  67. Last year, I wrote a reverse bucket list in honor of my thirtieth birthday. I’m pretty impressed with all of the things I’ve accomplished.

    Also, I am petrified of deer. So those pictures? Not so awesome for me.

  68. Needs more rhinestones. And possibly some silver spray paint on the antlers. Am I a bad person for encouraging this?

  69. Tolly, (#137), I hate to be the spelling police, but this is one of those instances when “dead dear” and “dead deer” mean waaaaayy different things. The former will get you 20 to life, the second will only get you strange looks from the taxidermist.

  70. Bucket List – read Blog by Bloggess – a day late but still laugh.

    DONE! Wow, it really does work. Brilliant.

  71. OMG. I never comment because you get a billion comments and I’m sure you could never in a million years have the time to read them all BUT I have to share this. I was taking a sip of wine as I read PS. I bought the deer in a thrift shop because it looks exactly like Victor when he’s like “What the hell is wrong with you?“ but the image was below the scroll. And then I scrolled down to see the deer and I swear to god I nearly spit the entire mouthful out all over my laptop. I managed to keep it in, but it was a close call, filled with lots of choking sounds and half-cough/half-giggles. Sooo….thanks for that 🙂

  72. For some reason I think the deer ought to be called Tallulah …. and for some reason even typing that makes me feel like I should apologise to Victor for encouraging you.

  73. Okay let’s try again. You might consider LED timer candles for the antlers, that ones that can be set to pop on at a certain hour and stay lit a while, then wink out again? I would like to also submit the name Chandler.

  74. I actually went to the White House in February and that deer would fit in perfectly. You should consider gifting it.

  75. I think ALL DEER should look like this! He is beautiful! Maybe you can do Victor while he sleeps??

  76. Oh. My. God. My poor brother’s prized hunting trophy collection will never be the same once I descend with sparklies and super glue.

  77. You know what, I was this close to bedazzle my whole car once, then I decided against it just because a project like that would have required me to get a loan or something.

  78. No lie. The first thing your decorated deer reminded me of is Cher in stage costume.

  79. I don’t have a deer head to bedazzle with sparkles, so perhaps I’ll wait till my husband’s asleep. I think he could do with some pizzazz. I’ll pin this on my Pinterest page so I don’t forget. Thank you for the great craft ideas.

  80. The deer reminds me of Falcor the Luck Dragon from The Neverending Story!!! Falcor seems like aname you’d like too!!

  81. You should give tours of your house. I’d totally pay to see this stuff. And then I’d make my husband go on the tour with me. He’d have the same “What the hell is wrong with you?” expression the deer has.

  82. I am really glad that I am not the only one that checks things off of their bucket list after I have done them. I believe that have a spur of the moment bucket list is the way to go!

  83. I’ve got the flu so in my semi lucid state I thought you wrote that you were glueing rhinoceroses to the deer’s nose and was confused on how this would work…….of course I realised my mistake when I scrolled down :/

    BTW – Awesome deer head – it’s so shiny 🙂

  84. I am familiar with the “What the Hell is wrong with you look”. I love the idea of the bucket list and I love the rhinestones!!

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