Remember last month when Facebook sent me a targeted eBay ad specifically for me, and it was for the ass of a squirrel sticking out of a wall? And I wrote about it and then Facebook decided to double down so the next week they sent me an ad for the taxidermied ass of a larger animal. And then Victor told me I was bringing it on myself because I kept looking at these animal-ass auction ads that Facebook kept sending me and so Facebook probably thought I was into that sort of thing? Well, I stopped looking at the weird ads Facebook was sending me, and Victor was right…the ass pictures have stopped.
They’ve been replaced with this:
And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- Chocolate-filled calendar. Except without dates because this way you can go for the chocolate whenever the hell you need a piece without a calendar telling you what to do. Perfect for friends having a shitty week. This is the safe-for-work version.
- This is the version you hide in your desk and eat from when you coworkers are being dicks.
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- The only thing better than this website are the people who don’t realize it’s satire.
- Victor and I are amateur ghost hunters so we visit lots of haunted hotels, but he’s drawn the line at this one. Also, I’ll never eat ham again.
84 thoughts on “Oh, Facebook…you win.”
Read comments below or add one.
Googly eyes AND its own sauce? Man, they really raised the bar.
You can either use that to put your hair up, OR you will skewer yourself with it..
It would look interesting on your head. You know it would
Man, Jenny. Right when I’m feeling shitty you give me a fish head with googly eyes. Thanks. <3
And the weird zombie, skeleton, death mask face picture is awesome. I’m sure it will make an appearance in my nightmares. Probably cavorting with Arnold Horshak while eating skittles and playing bongos.
A google-eyed swordfish head mounted on a board beside a can of some kind of sauce? Is it art? A dinner suggestion?
You get the best ads. At least they’re not boring!
You need to click on it. Then you’ll get to see other taxidermied animals with corresponding food items. That sounds exciting.
Looks like it’ll be able to open the sauce, too.
I am totally adding the ham fucking clown motel to my haunted places website.
A friend of mine just posted the Clown Hotel article to his FB page a week ago.
I had the same reaction about the ham. shudder
I’m frightened and weirdly entertained by ebay & facebook’s feeble attempts to pigeon-hole you. All I get are ads for baby items, senior medication, dating sites, and books about divorce…facebook depresses me to no end.
I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with how much Facebook knows about you, taxidermy, Anne Wheaton, VandalEyes, and, well, everything. Creepy, Facebook, very creepy. Much creepier than squirrel ass.
I want to read the post where people thought that satire story was real. That shit cracks me up when people start ranting about fake stories because they’re too slow to realize it’s not real.
I want the emergency chocolate about now. .
Brings the phrase “Insane Clown Posse” to a whole new level. Not only will I never sleep there, I may never sleep again.
No matter how many times you talk about the ass ads, I laugh. Really hard. Not sure what this says about me:). Haunted hotels? Have you been to the Stanley? The granddaddy of them all? I stayed in the honeymoon suite, by myself, and it was weird. Water turning on my itself. Knocks on door with no one there. Never again!
Have you been looking up narwhals again? I don’t even know if that’s a narwhal. Maybe a baby narwhal.
Oh, and Facebook always wins.
Love the dia de los muertos art! 🙂
The sauce is probably a bonus, but I think your goggle-eyed plaque inhabitant might be a needlefish.
For someone who can’t work the TV remote, I shudder to think what kind of damage you would do with a Transformer-sized chainsaw. Also, can’t sleep, clown will eat me.
I think it’s a scary can-opener. And you totally want it.
Also? Peeing over that girl with her 1-week transformation. snort-giggle. 😉
Clowns are evil. Everyone knows this. The bit about the clown molesting the ham was too much for me to deal with. I wish I could scrub my brain with bleach to get rid of that mental image.
If you want to know about asses, I just wrote a piece that explains how a Moroccan camel drover’s whole life is spent looking at camels’ asses.
I don’t know which browser you use, but if you use Chrome, get the add-on AdBlock. I never see commercial advertisements on any sites I visit. Of course, you may not want to do this if you feel you might be missing out on squirrel butts.
I think that may be a Longnosed Gar (http://www.tomparnelle.com/fishing/Fish%20Images/Large%20Pictures/longnosegar.gif)? I’m guessing that the can is there as a size comparison…but who usese pasta sauce as a standard size indicator??!!
Maybe if it were a can opener, then it would at least be useful in the zombie apocalypse…
I agree with the commenter who wondered why two grown men with loaded guns were running away from a clown fucking a ham. Perhaps I’ve become jaded from living in Oakland for thirty years.
I do enjoy a sauce with my speared fish on a plaque.
Mine keeps posting LL Bean dresses (okay, yes…that I understand), and bathing suits with skirts. Fuck you, Facebook…I’ve only been 40 for a fortnight, and my ass isn’t THAT out of control.
The kicker is the sauce. Since it looks like all that -might- be left is the brains, I’m thinking they think you are a gourmand zombie.
Wait! Maybe the fish’s (beak? saw?) whatever? is supposed to be a CANOPENER!
That’s just scary looking. I think I prefer the squirrel butt.
Or do you feed the sauce to the fish head? So many options. So many creepy, creepy options.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…breathe…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…THAT IS FUNNY…
“animal ass auction” would be a great album name.
Why for must the calendar be filled with icky milk chocolate? Sigh. There are definitely days when I could use a NSFW dark chocolate-filled calendar. Just sayin’
Is that a fish in cranberry jelly? Do you cook the fish with the cranberries or the cream sauce? Or both? It’s all too confusing.
Obviously ebay is psychic now, since I think its trying to tell you that you’re pregnant, hence the Prego sauce and weird-ass fish head. Because we all know pregnant women have weird cravings and apparently weird-ass fish heads is your pregnant craving. That’s my logical explanation.
Love seeing all the things suggested that you might like. Every day is an adventure when I visit your site.
I love coming here the night before a busy Monday.
Ah, Facebook… They know all our deepest desires. Including animal asses and excited swordfish.
I don’t know what it is either, but it would be helpful when your feeling extra stabby.
Squirrel ass stew is the hot new rage among all the foodies.
That’s a needlefish – they tend to swim right under the surface of the water, in groups of 2-3. They’re silvery and pointy and, apparently, hiLARious.
I just wanted to let you know that you made it on buzzfeeds list of the 26 greatest book dedications of all time. http://www.buzzfeed.com/jzebarrow/the-27-greatest-book-dedications-you-will-ever-rea-mvjw I hope that comes with some sort of a trophy because you deserve it, maybe a blinged squirel holding up a tiny trophy? I don’t know, but I hope you get a trophy.
My son feels that ..thing looks kind of like pliers, and believes this is clearly a living breathing pliersfish impregnating a block of cranberry sauce with some kind of white goo in a can. I can’t say I disagree.
Kudos to facebook for even finding this! If I WANTED to find something like this I couldn’t. I feel like their search engines could probably run NASA, if they tried hard enough and believed in themselves.
Great, my 4 decades long clown phobia is in full swing this morning and now associated with every vacation I take in the future! I’ve stayed in enough motels where the haunts would be the least of my concerns, the living temporary tenants were enough to terrify me.
Does that can say “Prego” wth is that?
I’m with Victor on the Clown Motel thing….
OOOh, I was looking for something f**cked up to give to my nan for christmas. A pair of creepy fish tweezers and a can of prego (what?) would be just the thing. I don’t think she believes me when I tell her I can’t stand her. Maybe this will help.
I would totally use the zombie saw thingy to chop up my neighbors truck that he leaves parked in front of my house year round. Then I would watch him get eaten by zombies.
Clown Hotel, on huge ass cup of NOPE there!!!!! I’ll not be staying there anytime soon!!!
Jenny, you rock!! I’ve been reading your blog since 2008!! Never give up, and don’t give in! I’ve been battling my own demons, called alcohol!! I’m still battling, and will continue to battle them. I totally admire you!!!
You my dear, are my inspiration to get better. I’ve been hiding in my home since I lost my job 3 yrs ago where I was very popular. Along with my father, I’m very well known in my county. I’m so afraid of embarrassing him, not myself. I’ve gained and lost weight, and now between those both places. Not a size 5 anymore, however got out of my size 17!
Have a problem with anorexia also. Just got off a stint of not eating for a week. Lost over 7 lbs and my husband didn’t like it. Just started eating again. It’s hard, but I’m doing it.
I just look up to you, and see all the hard things you have and going through.
Love you Jenny!!!
My goodness I might actually be able to answer that one. I think it’s a beak pike, also has some other names. They’re supposed to be mighty tasty… but they sure look weird on a plaque.
I hit post too soon. I meant to include this for “lots of other names” …
Your targeted ads are much more interesting than mine. I really need to start doing more interesting searches.
I just suggested the creepy fish tweezers thing to my mother as a christmas present to my Nan, she now claims I’ve ruined a fresh Tena lady….
My favorite thing on Facebook is when people share a satirical news source article and are so totally serious about it. They totally believe it. It’s hard to watch, but also very amusing.
Will that thing open the can for you? Is that thing pregnant? What exactly does it have to do with the Prego? Is it supposed to be funny? Is it shocked that someone put a can of Prego so close to it? Does it’s shocked expression change when you place it near Ragu? I can’t believe I’m still typing questions; why am I typing questions? Is my brain broken now? Was that maybe the point, to break my brain?
HAHA! I should start paying more attention to my Facebook ads.
Is it just me? Or does the Prego can look like a can of baby formula? I wonder if that thing would open it?
I lived on the water in Florida for 50 years and that is a needlefish, smaller cousin of the houndfish. Very common along the Florida coasts. Definitely not a gar of any kind. If one is very clever with a tiny hook and a piece of squid tentacle, needlefish ( and houndfish) they can be caught on hook and line
Blogess day-of-the-dead face totally going to be my next tattoo.
My daughter sent me links to $175-$200 prom shoes (let me assure you, that is never going to happen). But since then, I keep seeing ads for ridiculous shoes.
The clown motel is someplace I’d send my sister to if she were being a pain in the a$$ because she is terrified of clowns! However, I was reading the comments on that post and it sent me looking into the Villisca House Murders from Iowa (my home state). I had a friend in middle school that lived in Villisca and had never even heard about this place. Then I started wondering where she is now and tried Googling her. I felt like an internet junkie. Isn’t it weird how one little thing can create a whole tangent of thoughts about your past? Thanks for helping me kill 30 minutes in my afternoon! 🙂
Clown Motel?!?! Not just no, but HELL NO!
I feel kind of bad bc just like FB every time I see anything (and I mean anything) taxidermied I instantly think of you. If we were friends your inbox would be full of pics of stuffed stuff.
I clearly need to get myself a more interesting browsing history. I never see ads for this kind of shit. I wonder if that’s Google telling me that I’m kind of boring. Fuck you, Google. I’ll have you know I’m ALL SORTS of interesting. Judgey search engine.
Well……did you buy it?
Facebook fucking terrifies me. They know me better than I know myself.
I think Facebook is just fucking with you. Seriously, what is up with the fish?
Just after my husband and I got engaged we spent the night at the Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, AR. I knew nothing about this hotel other than it was old and beautiful and a drive through parts of town not everyone normally sees. Apparently it’s haunted. Like the TAPS Ghost Hunters caught an apparition they couldn’t explain on the thermal camera haunted. Like in one of their rooms, every time they left, when they came back all their electronic equipment was piled against the ONLY door into the room haunted. I did not know that when I stayed there. We were early for our dinner reservations so we spent some time sitting on the rocking chairs on the back porch waiting for our table. We were the only people out there, but we weren’t the only people out there. I finally made the hubby go back inside because we were being watched and I couldn’t see anyone and it freaked me out. Had I known it was haunted, I might have been a little more accepting. Being told it’s haunted explained so much that I experienced when we were there and it made me feel less crazy. 🙂
Wow I’m long winded tonight. Sorry about that. 🙂
There are lots of haunted places here in southern Nevada. But the haunted Clown Motel is wrong on so many levels.
Someone needs to stop the shoe ads!! It’s how I ended up with summer boots. Essentially boots with open toes. If I keep falling for these trends, I may have to move to a trailer. My shoes can stay in the house since they would have taken over.
Clown motel.. I’m with Victor on this one. Not just no but HELL TO THE NO!
The FB ads creep me out… as a matter of fact .. any ads that indicate cyber stalking by retailers creep me out. The Clown Motel. No thanks… Victor is right… there is a line one doest cross… and that is it.
Don’t trust any fish wall hanging that doesn’t dance.
FACEBOOK…THE NEW BIG BROTHER? SAY IT ISN’T SO….:)
This is COMPLETELY off topic, but I have to share…..
At the end of 22 Jump Street, there is a montage of all “future” Jump Street movies. (ex. 32 Jump Street: Badass Ninja School….). One of them is “## Jump Street: Beauty School.” Jonah Hill is in curlers holding a blow dryer. It reminded me of your iconic photo and I started histerically laughing in the movie theater. My husband thought I was crazy…..It was fantastic. Seeing that made the entire movie worth it. 🙂
My Charles has stayed there many years ago. It definitely left an impression. We vacation in the desert a lot, and whenever we drive by it, he mentions it. He and some friends were exhausted and stopped at the motel because it wouldn’t have been safe to drive any further. He said that while the clowns were pretty creepy, they were nothing compared to the condition of the beds. Clowns + potential bed bug infestation? Where do I sign up?
Has stayed? Geesh!
Is that a recipe for fish head soup?
Yeah, I told FB to go pound sand; I’m sick of their targeted ad program. C-r-e-e-p-y. See http://time.com/#2864482/facebook-ads-opt-out/ for details to tell them to take a long walk off a short peer (or how ever you want to say it). 🙂
Have you ever stayed at the Excelsior House in Jefferson, TX? It’s where Steven Spielberg stayed before writing Poltergeist.
http://www.theexcelsiorhouse.com. In fact Jefferson is a great place for haunt tours.
I don’t even– what? Then the first thing I thought of was…that would make a CRAZY front-door knocker. If they can get past the pokey part, they might get let in. bwahaha!
So, our friend referred us to your post regarding the Clown Motel because we were in that part of the country…totally stayed their last night. Uh, it’s…uh, epic. The town itself is full of…personality, like the guy we saw taking a hit off a crack pipe.
Uh, about the motel–yeah, the Ghost Adventures Crew stopped by there one day while filming their first return to the Goldfield Hotel. 😀 the reaction from Zak is priceless!
http://youtu.be/vimf-ONDOsc (from YouTube)
Anyways, yeah, I’m surprised the owners make any money from doing that hotel–clowns are creepy.