“CAT WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE!” (would probably be my catchphrase.)

This week I was contacted about possibly being next year’s Ziploc spokesperson for upcoming new products.  They were very sweet and asked what my fees would be if I was selected and so I quickly responded in the most professional way possible by clarifying that if the “new products” they’re offering include home-made waterbeds for cat then I expect royalties, because I invented those years ago.

The rest of my response:

I’m almost certain this would be a bad idea so I’m in, but only if Ziploc meets these conditions:

1) My fee of $100,000, or $200,000 worth of Ziploc bags. The Ziploc bags should be filled with $100,000.

2) The cat waterbed must be put into production, or at least a prototype made.

3) I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet. Something with an oxygen tank, preferably.

4) I don’t have a four but I think people take you more seriously when you have a four so I’m just going to leave this here.

Surprisingly, they have not responded.


Bonus: If you’re too tired to go back and read about cat waterbeds my talented friends made that post into a comic years ago.  They pretty much nailed it.

from taroch vol 2

162 thoughts on ““CAT WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE!” (would probably be my catchphrase.)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I can’t believe you haven’t hard back from Ziplock yet. Perhaps they are just going to send you the cash, then work out the terms of the arrangement. Maybe they’ll send you $1 a day (in a ziplock bag, of course) for 100,000 days.

  2. Spokesman for Ziploc? Should I even admit that I am TOTALLY jealous? Should I tell my cats about the potential of a cat waterbed? Too many questions for a Friday. Ironically I was thinking (and writing) about how I once drank warm orange Fanta from a Ziploc bag that a kid sold me in Ecuador. Do you think that makes me a good candidate for Ziploc sponsorship? I would gladly take an ambassadorship if that is available.

  3. You would be the best ziploc spokesperson ever. I bet you would come up with ALL SORTS of uses for ziplocs that they have never even thought of. How can they possibly not pick you? And I would make them give you the $100,000 one dollar at a time in individual ziploc bags. So much better that way.

  4. “I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet.”
    If I come up with a line that brilliant, just once, I may never need to write again…

  5. I’m assuming that they asked you to be a spokesperson because they like your sense of humor, no? In which case, your reply was perfect.

  6. I think you’re selling yourself short. You should’ve asked for $300K and $200K worth of Ziplock bags full of 8 lbs of pure uncut cocaine in each bag.

  7. Oh I’m just stuck on Cat-ta-cha-phrase morphing into a cha-cha-cha dance in my head and I swear there is nothing “extra” in my chicken soup. This is the creatively cuckoo tribe, right?

  8. Are they planning a new line of taxidermy safe ziplock bags? Then you take your animals boating, fishing, even to the pool. That’s the ticket!

  9. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t respond. You’re giving them so many different options! This is an opportunity for them to really show their creativity in how to give you that $100,000. And to get in on a once-in-a-lifetime product. What a disappointment.

  10. I don’t have TV, because I can stand commercials. But, the thought of seeing YOU on a commercial is making me re-think that….

  11. Honest Moment: If you where the spokesperson for Ziploc, i might actually think about buying them before automatically putting the generic brand in my cart. If they put your image on the box, i think name brand would actually win and be worth the $1.50 more!!

  12. I bet they’re just trying to figure out how much they could make off of cat waterbeds before they negotiate with you. That’s why Ziploc makes the big bucks.

  13. I feel silly asking because it feels like I should know…the answer is RIGHT THERE but I just can’t grasp it…so….why is the cat wearing condoms on it’s feet exactly?

  14. OK, so in the first panel I thought Victor was the boar’s head on the wall. I did not see the illustrated man in the bed.
    Secondly, I would watching the hell out of Ziplock commercials if you were in them. Creepy? Maybe.

  15. I’d like to say that I would totally buy Ziploc bags if your face were on the package, but I’m poor and I really NEEEEED to save that fifty cents per box of plastic bags. But… A waterbed for cats? I just might be able to save up for that.

  16. I want the conversation “So what’d your doctor say? The usual. Still crazy.” on a T-shirt for every time I go see the shrink. That’s a genius reply. What am I supposed to say every time I get back from there? There’s rarely anything new apart from the (probably non-functional-but-still-with-horrid-side-effects) new meds.

    Also, can’t believe you haven’t heard from Ziploc. What were they expecting?

  17. I thought “Roofies” was a musical about child roofing teams. Like ‘Newsies” but with more hammers. MORE HAMMERS!

  18. Clearly the cat waterbed is the best idea ever. I wouldn’t have been able to top it. But, I would would have pitched them: “Ziplocs: You put your weed in there.”

  19. Fuck this fucking thing for forcing me to login to wordpress, which I don’t even use, in order to post a comment. It never did this before. Anyway I was going to say something about how my cats would view a popped waterbed as the ultimate beverage source, but now I’m too pissed to do that.

  20. Well I for one believe your conditions are perfectly reasonable. I’m sure you’ll hear back from Ziploc soon.

    (thanks for the laugh!) 🙂

  21. I imagine the response at ziploc corporate hQ was something like this: ” What the …???…??? … ??? … ??? … I think we should take this as a “no.” Next. “

  22. Would totally buy the waterbed for cats. I don’t have a cat, so it would become a waterbed for small dogs, but I think we can make that work.
    Also this came to mind:

  23. h Miller #32- MORE HAMMERS is the new MORE COWBELL. 🙂
    Foxy Wine Pocket: Ziploc, you put your weed in there. Lmbo! Maybe you just put yourself on their radar and that’s why Jenny hasn’t heard back. They can’t decide between cat waterbeds or taking advantage of marijuana being legal in certain states, and building a specialized line for the Cannabis Crowd.
    Decisions, decisions.

  24. I let my cat play with a water-balloon out on the deck once. He jumped really high.

  25. Wait, did you want 100,000$ spread out through your 100,000$ of zip lock bags? or did you want 100,000$ in each of your 100,000$ worth of zip lock bags? Huge difference. That would be a good chunk of change.

  26. I had a friend whose mother was always making cat futons for a nonprofit–in such numbers I always wondered why every cat I met wasn’t in one. Now I’m wondering if she missed an opportunity. Cat waterbeds might not last long, but it would be worth it to catch the action on film.

  27. You didn’t specify the size of Ziploc bags that you wanted. Sandwich Bags, Freezer Bags, Space Savers? Just don’t put your Ziploc bag with the $100,000 in the oven…because who puts plastic and paper in the oven? Also, if someone else is already making cat waterbeds (per @Some Guy), you need to get a piece of the action.

  28. Sweet holy baby jeebus on a cracker that is some fucked up logic and utterly awesome at the same time. Though I’m not quite sure marketing at Ziploc is advanced enough to develop waterbeds for cats, it’s nice to know they are batshit crazy enough to see you as a real consumer. I’d be cool to know what new products they want to market. Maybe leak proof bags?
    also, why did your friends comic but condom booties on the cat’s feet?

  29. Just doing a “comment test” for you. Because you’re The Bloggess and apparently you rate high enough in my life for me to waste time leaving rambling comments about comments. You’re welcome.

  30. Leaving a comment here when I know that you clearly requested that I leave my comment on FB. 😉


    (HAHAHAHAHAHA! But why is it that some people say they can’t comment today without having a wordpress account? Argh. ~ Jenny)

  32. I learned to make my bed every morning when I had cats and waterbeds. Why did it never occur to me to make them one of their own?

  33. If you were the spokesperson for ziplock, I would totally buy more ziplock bags as a show of support for your being the spokesperson. We need them anyway because apparently the state I live in has now banned plastic bags (at least in grocery stores) and we have two cats.

  34. Do you ever feel like perhaps these companies are sending you pitches just see how you’ll respond?

  35. If you can see this, I was able to comment. If not, I wasn’t really here so disregard this comment.

  36. Testing to see if I can comment – I did not log in to word press – I would love a cat waterbed if we can also make one for dogs …

  37. I sure hope I can comment without a wordpress account because it is SOOOOO annoying when that happens.

  38. So um I like cats, I watch cat videos on Youtube. OMG YOU SHOULD MAKE A FUCKING YOUTUBE CHANNEL JENNY. And by the way I have a cat waterbed. Just kidding but I would totally sit on it all fucking day if I did.

  39. By the way my 15 year old brother keeps getting PENIS ENLARGEMENT emails on his school computer. Totally on topic. Off topic is the new on topic. For real people. But I took a screenshot you should email me if you want to see it. (The screenshot not his dick) PS I don’t know why I had to clarify it. My email is gabysmiley123@gmail.com

  40. Yes, I can leave a comment. I though I’d leave you an old favorite:

    A Kitten
    by Eleanor Farjeon

    He’s nothing much but fur
    And two round eyes of blue,
    He has a giant purr
    And a midget mew.
    He darts and pats the air,
    He starts and cocks his ear,
    When there is nothing there
    For him to see and hear.
    He runs around in rings,
    But why we cannot tell;
    With sideways leaps he springs
    At things invisible –
    Then half-way through a leap
    His startled eyeballs close,
    And he drops off to sleep With one paw on his nose.

  41. This is a test comment, as requested on facebook. I do not have a WordPress login.

  42. You’ve probably figured out already that people without WordPress can comment, so I’m just stopping in to say hi! Because I like you.

  43. Cat plus waterbed becomes cat fountain… 🙂 Ziploc has to send you lots and lots of little bags now!

  44. A lifetime supply of Ziploc bags would be handy. Just think of how many uses you could come up with as a reason for them to send more. And all those box tops for school…

  45. Totally post checking. Not signed in to wordpress. Also, HA! Bet that’ll learn ’em.
    And before I could post the fuckers made me log in. Drat.

  46. oh – I read that wrong. I didn’t understand that it was a waterbed FOR cats. I thought is was a waterbed filled with cats so you would be lying in bed surrounded by fluffy goodness… although in hindsight, that wouldn’t be terribly comfortable for the cats… and then you would not call it a waterbed, you’d call it a cat bed and that IS a bed for cats, not a bed OF cats. English is a Möbius strip sometimes…

    (Great. Now I want a waterbed made of cats too. ~ Jenny)

  47. The Ziploc bag for a human is a brilliant idea. Or perhaps a small one, just for the part of your head that has hair on it. B/c bathing caps ruin hair, as my mother always said. But a ziploc bag, well that would still show off your do while doing the backtstroke:). You’re genius.

  48. Is it just me? The first thing I noticed is that it looks like you live in a motel room. Not that there’s anything wrong that…

  49. This is a comment where I don’t have to log into anything in order to leave it, that is, unless after I type it and click to post it, it then asks me to log in. So far so good, though!

  50. At first, I thought the head mount on the wall was supposed to be Victor’s head… Then you would really have something to talk to your shrink about! 😉

  51. My dog just stole my husbands socks again. He runs around like a little horse. Which is cute. I always wanted a horse. This way I have a dog who runs like one and steals socks 🙂 And I wrote this because you asked on FB that we try to leave a comment.

  52. Is this the post that hates commenters? Because cat waterbeds are awesome. Or would be, if they worked. Because claws.

  53. random comment because there may be a problem with signing in?!? Sure I post a random comment…random is my life ya know.

  54. I wish these companies had the balls to take you up on these requirements. I’d be more inclined to use their products if they had more fun. (Though to be honest, I already use ziplocs almost daily – I’d just be much happier about it if you got cat waterbeds and a gazillion dollars out of my using them.) 😀

  55. If I were the Ziploc people, I would be down on my hands and knees in gratitude because their commercials were just written by you.

    And then I’d do commercials based on you lying in 1,000s of Ziploc bags and swimming in a Ziploc bag (with a camera in a Ziploc) and I would definitely make a prototype of a waterbed for cats.

    I mean, this writes itself. (Granted because you already wrote it.)

  56. OMG I think this is the most perfect comic ever created. Of course, as I type this I’m wondering if my doctor would give me roofies because the ambien and Tylenol PM clearly aren’t working right now. The Valerian smells terrible. Nothing else even remotely works and while ambien doesn’t always work either, at least it gives me fun ideas.

  57. Maybe it is the difference in climate between Texas and Michigan, but shouldn’t a cat waterbed have a dash reflector shade, and heat pad, to keep it at a cozy level of warm?

  58. And THAT is why I embrace my insomnia! The productivity possibilities are endless! Oh, and you are totally right about including a 4. I’m a lawyer. I know these things.

  59. Guys I found the best thing ever. I ordered one for my dog. Email @mymightdogcape@gmail.com and you can get a dog cape. FOR YOUR DOG. It’s so cute. She emailed me back saying she’s working on a website.

  60. Just leaving a comment since I don’t have wordpress. But I do follow you on FB, so maybe that is the key?

  61. I’m surprised the Ziploc people haven’t responded. Surely they knew who you were before they approached you? Then they should have expected the response they got.

    The cartoon made me laugh out loud. Woke the dog up. She wasn’t pleased.

  62. A while ago I had possibly the WORST time in my entire life. Beginning with a terrible breakup, a miscarriage, losing my job, and being so depressed I could not walk my dog and had to leave my back door open because getting up off the couch to let her in or out was absolutely impossible. I am now a couple years past this, and am on the general upward movement with occasional drops down again. Yay, me.

    I have now discovered the worst part about this: I missed about a year and a half of Bloggess posts. I miss CAT WATERBED, y’all!! That’s terrible. The full ramifications of this period of my life coming to light now is just devastating. I will now spend the next few weeks trying to backtrack and regain the lost time by reading all the entries from 2010 and 2011. Here’s to hoping life gets back to normal! Le sigh. 😉

  63. Thank you for making me laugh through my insomnia.
    I just escaped domestic abuse. My killer is out there. #whyIstayed is trending, but no one is doing anything about it. Lost everything. Even my cat. Why are women not fighting this?

  64. I hate to be the worst here, but I have several questions.
    1) Do cats desire waterbeds? If yes, how do you know?
    2) The comic had individual bags on each paw, are these like moon shoes for cats?
    3) Have you tested this on your own cat? If so, why is there not a video of that?
    4) I agree with you that having a fourth point looks more professional. Also like you, I don’t have a fourth point to make. Oops.

  65. Amusingly enough, my boss’s husband’s CC just got declined because he is in Florida. She threw a hissy fit – “I travel all the time if this kind of thing is going to happen all the time we’re going to get a new card this has never happened in all my life etc etc.”

    I welcomed her to the 21st century, told her about this post, and told her to get used to it.

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