This week I was contacted about possibly being next year’s Ziploc spokesperson for upcoming new products. They were very sweet and asked what my fees would be if I was selected and so I quickly responded in the most professional way possible by clarifying that if the “new products” they’re offering include home-made waterbeds for cat then I expect royalties, because I invented those years ago.
The rest of my response:
I’m almost certain this would be a bad idea so I’m in, but only if Ziploc meets these conditions:
1) My fee of $100,000, or $200,000 worth of Ziploc bags. The Ziploc bags should be filled with $100,000.
2) The cat waterbed must be put into production, or at least a prototype made.
3) I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet. Something with an oxygen tank, preferably.
4) I don’t have a four but I think people take you more seriously when you have a four so I’m just going to leave this here.
Surprisingly, they have not responded.
Bonus: If you’re too tired to go back and read about cat waterbeds my talented friends made that post into a comic years ago. They pretty much nailed it.