Psychiatrists are not to be trusted

Conversation with Victor after I came home from my appointment with my shrink.

Victor:  So what’d your doctor say?

me:  The usual.  Still crazy.

Victor:  Well, at least you’re stable.

me:  She gave me something to kill the insomnia.  Ro-something?  I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s supposed to just knock you out completely.

Victor:  Rohypnol? Your doctor gave you roofies?

me:  I’m pretty sure my doctor didn’t give me the date rape drug.  It just sounds like rohypnol.  Wait, hang on.   There’s an actual warning on this pamphlet that you have to be careful to not accidentally have sex in your sleep.

Victor:  Your doctor gave you roofies.  Generic roofies.

me:  Wow.  I probably should have tipped her.

PS.  I took the drug and it was not roofies.  Or I’m immune to roofies.  One of those.  But, in brighter news I’m getting a lot accomplished due to not sleeping.  Like, I’m really good at drawing dinosaurs now.  And at making water-beds for cats.  And at involuntary hallucinations and forgetting where I live.

PPS.  It occurrs to me that if you don’t have insomnia you probably missed the day when I live-tweeted my hour-long attempt at making water beds for cats, so I’m going to reprint it all here.  Because the cats and I shouldn’t be the only ones to suffer.

  • I’ve decided to use all this extra insomnia time to make a waterbed, using only ziploc bags & a cardboard box.

 

  • It’s going to be awesome. Also, Victor really should stop leaving me at home unsupervised.

 

  • The waterbed isn’t for me. It’s for the cats. These cats have never even SEEN a waterbed. They’re gonna be ecstatic.

 

  • I’m going to need some duct tape. And a mop. And some…cat mittens.

 

  • Hang on. I can totally *make* cat mittens out of duct tape. THESE PROBLEMS ARE SOLVING THEMSELVES.

 

  • I’m not going to wrap duct tape around the cat’s paws, y’all. That’s inhumane. I’m going to put condoms on them first. Calm down, PETA.

 

  • I meant that I’m putting condoms on the cats’ feet before I duct-tape them. Not that I’m making them wear condoms for birth control.

 

  • My cats never use birth control. I think they’re Catholic.

 

  • No, no, no. Cat mittens are mittens made FOR cats. Kitten mittens are mittens made OF cats. Cats who died of natural causes, probably.

 

 

  • My kid just wandered in to see me forcibly balancing a deeply unappreciative Ferris Mewler on a quart-sized ziploc bag.

 

  • I don’t even know how to explain this. I just told her to go back to bed. She may never sleep again.

 

  • This is exactly why we need to find a cure for insomnia. Because it hurts EVERYONE.

 

  • Also, I’m bleeding and the cat is pissed. Duct tape makes terrible shoes for cats.

 

126 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Are your sure Victor didn’t bribe your Dr to give you the not-quite-roofies? I know several couples who swear Ambien saved their marriages–he got sex and she didn’t care or remember–sex while asleep has its upside.

    Cheers.
    VB

    Vinobaby recently posted A Year of 1st Grade Edumicaton.

  2. The fucking pills didn’t work? For a minute, I had hope. xo

    WriteWendy recently posted This!.

  3. I love you. I do. That is all

  4. I’m crying from laughing so hard. I loved seeing those messages again.

  5. Our cat fell off the bed this morning, and looked very, very angry when we laughed. If our cat had duct-tape mittens, the sticky part of the tape might help it not fall off the bed and get angry at us when we laugh and then pee on the neckties I’ve left on the floor of my closet. So what I’m saying is that I think I need cat waterbeds too.

  6. Goddamn I didn’t hallucinate that cat waterbed Twitter conversation. TAKE THAT, FIANCE.

    Chelsie recently posted Everybody should believe in something I believe I’ll have another drink.

  7. #1. Can I have the name of your doctor please?
    #2. Do you think she would do me up a gift basket? I like to feel like it’s a special event when I open my date rape drugs.
    #3. If I take the date rape drugs while making water beds for chinchillas, will that cause a rip in the space/time continuum?
    #4. I might be on prescription drugs already. Can you tell?

    P.S. I love you

  8. Hey, don’t knock it. My ambien prescription is practically viagra for the sleep lobe of the horn gland of my brain. Unconscious sex is some of the best you’ll have. My husband assures me I enjoy it a lot. Plus you’ll probably clean your entire house after. Win-win.

  9. If you put a strip of scotch tape along their spine they will combat crawl all over the house. It is hilarious, but be very careful taking it off…I suggest tongs and pulling from the head area toward the tail. Yeah.

    Scottsdale Girl recently posted Please register to view this blog….

  10. Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re still not sleeping, and the Victor isn’t doing things to you in your sleep. On the other topic, duct tape mittens would be a horrible idea at litterbox time. Horrible. Lending to the need for kitty Pampers, which will be easier to apply as the duct tape keeps them from running away quickly.

    Dangerboy recently posted Five Things I Think- 13 June.

  11. you need some kitten mittens for the water bed.

    They sell em! well at least they advertise for them.

    The iHubby recently posted Relay For Life – 2011 RelayForLife.

  12. Is your shrink hot? If so, everyone wins.

  13. My shrink is very pretty, but she’s not really my type.

  14. Maybe they weren’t roofies and you should try roofies. Also the insomnia tweets are hilarious.

  15. Seriously, be grateful for your insomnia. I wouldn’t be half the woman I am without my chronic sleep deprivation issues.

    Gotta stop sleep-eating.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Terms of Endearment- Google Brings Us Together.

  16. Insomnia sucks. I hope you are able to get it worked out.

    Oilfield Trash recently posted Free Food- Why Thank You.

  17. You’re lucky.
    All my psychiatrist prescribes me are pills to make me forget my past.

    You’re lucky.
    All my psychiatrist prescribes me are pills to make me forget my past.

    You’re lucky.
    All my psychiatrist prescribes me are pills to make me forget my past.

    moooooog35 recently posted Im a Terrible Matchmaker.

  18. Last time I told a shrink I wasn’t sleeping, his question was, “Does it bother you?”

    Apparently, it’s only insomnia if you’re upset about it.

    I thought about it for a moment and said, “No, I like being up at 3 am. It gives me time to get things done when other people are sleeping.” At which point, he told me I don’t have insomnia.

    I’m still not sure how that works, but my main problem with my insomnia is that other people insist on me being quiet so they can sleep. WTF is up with that?

    Andi Davies recently posted Muslin Monday and SEX.

  19. Try giving the roofies to the cat. Then maybe it’ll stay on the ziplocked waterbed by itself.

    Phoenix Rising recently posted Next Stop- The Boston Marathon! Or maybe just some Slimfast.

  20. Oh young one, I could’ve told you that duct tape and cats aren’t a good mix. I saw an after school special about it years ago. Unless perhaps they’re masochistic cats. But how would you ever know that for sure?

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted It’s a BOGO day for me and a question for you cat people.

  21. Oh. My. God.

    WHERE is the PHOTO of this Ferris Mewler experiment? I am deeply disappointed in you. People need to see this.

    Or maybe I am disappointed in your daughter. Obviously you were busy balancing and duct taping and bleeding. She should have been more responsible and captured the moment for prosperity.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted The good- the bad and the unbearable.

  22. You come up #1 on Goggle for ‘waterbeds for cats’ Clearly you’re a genius!!

  23. Wow, how pissed has Victor got to be not having late-night zombie sex with you!

    Poor bastard.

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted What Fresh Hellish Is This.

  24. I’ll take 2 of what your doctor prescribed. Research purposes.

    Becky recently posted Put This Bowling Party on Ice.

  25. I never get anything productive done when I have insomnia. Probably because I am lazy, since I rarely get anything productive done when I don’t have insomnia.

  26. You can’t take Ambien unless you have a great shoe collection. After I took it, I would always wake nude in the morning with shoes everywhere, sometimes with a different style shoe still on each foot. Good times, (I think).

  27. Didn’t Bob Barker endorse condom use for cats in order to control the unwanted-pet population? (Granted, this is only peripherally relevant to the matter at hand … which sums up most of my input. I’ll stop now.)

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Who can take a happy picture and build a brutally depressing post around it That would be me You’re welcome.

  28. I have never seen a cat’s penis in my life. Always wanted to, though. Not sure why.

    Fred Miller recently posted Sorry- Today’s Post is Almost Clean.

  29. Gotta be careful of the sleepy sex. I have multiple friends with young ones running around from sleepy sex encounters.

    Allyn recently posted Things that drive us crazy- Laundry.

  30. Well, I’m sorry the pills didn’t work, but from a completely selfish standpoint, the rest of us are getting awesome insomnia tweets that we are so very grateful for. How is Ferris Mewler today??

    Dana recently posted Well Now This Is More Like It.

  31. Maybe the roofies are actual living creatures also suffering from insomnia and can’t focus to do their job of Roofienizing you (technical term), it’s a cruel vicious cycle. #thismakessense

  32. My mom had a cat waterbed back in the 70’s .The waterbed place gave it to her for using her kittens in a commercial. The cats hated it ! My cats however love my waterbed.

    Hope you are able to find a way to get some sleep, I know how being sleep deprived can be hell on mind and body.
    etamni

  33. I love it! I think you shuld make insomnia tweets a weekly thing, since you’re obvously still not sleeping. :)

    Is it wrong that we’re taking delight in your misery?

    Elise recently posted This Is A List For No Reason Whatsoever.

  34. jello in baggies would work better for cat water beds
    proven fact.

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted Blogger Face Off Round 4.

  35. If you took roofies you’d know it. I don’t normally wake up naked on the bathroom floor of a hotel room in NYC without taking something! Making cat waterbed is MUCH more fun!

  36. 38
    PrincessManson

    You need to drink Hot Toddies cuz passing out drunk is the same as sleeping. :D

    Hot Toddy

    1 ounces Whiskey
    1 ounce Honey
    ounce Lemon Juice
    3 ounces Water (Hot)
    If you have a microwave, the easiest way to make this drink is to warm the honey and lemon juice for about half a minute and then to add hot water and the whiskey. Otherwise, we recommend that you stir the honey and lemon juice into extremely warm water, allow it to cool slightly, and add the whiskey.

  37. I wish you could get some sleep because not sleeping sucks but it’s good for Twitter hilarity. So at least there’s that.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted I know its hard to believe- but I did manage to get some paint on the trim and not just my leg.

  38. I am also highly-productive when I have insomnia, and I’m not even joking. Insomnia night (usually once per week, unless I double up for a two-nighter one week, then it seems to hold at bay) is usually the only time when I do laundry. Or clean things I would normally never clean. Like the walls. Which if you had boys would completely make sense.

    I promise that I am not on meth, even though this behavior seems suspicious, even to me. I hate cleaning.

    I also have some pretty awesome sleep-deprived ideas. I always forget to write them down, however. That, and I don’t have cats.

    Sarah recently posted Forcing.

  39. I think you should become a grave digger since you have insomnia and since working at night is called the “graveyard shift.” THEN, if you were a grave digger working the graveyard shift, you can warn us when the zombies awake and are coming. You can be the Paul Revere of our generation. ” Zombies are coming,” “the Zombies are coming.” See? History in the making and you would be the star. So quit whining about not being able to sleep missy, you can be a history maker and how many of us can really say that?

  40. I shouldn’t be allowed to look at your blog during work. LOLing by myself in the office is so inappropriate.

    Rebeka recently posted today at the office- yo!.

  41. Simply put: I love you. This just made my day. You should totally sell those cat waterbeds on your online store.

    John B recently posted things Ive learned recently cough phoning it in today.

  42. I didn’t miss the live tweeting about the cat waterbeds. As you posted each one I read them aloud to my household and I thought they were all gonna die laughing so that I could get some house work done.

    That ended up a no go because shortly before they would have spontaneously combusted from laughing so hard they stopped. It was dead silence like in a cemetery or library. I guess its not nice to speak too loudly around the dead which reminds me is that how you wake a zombie, by talking too loud?

    I am not allowed to do housework while everyone sleeps due to the music being too loud. My family are a bunch of kill joy’s . But what they don’t understand is I am most productive between the hours of Midnight and 6 am. Then I want to sleep.

    Lilscorpiosweet recently posted POKEBALL I choose YOU!!!!!.

  43. Thanks to the time difference between America and my little island your insomniac tweets have been sliding quite nicely into my day so I managed to enjoy the whole cat experiment live. It’s been nice not to feel left out and behind the time of all the tweets. I felt special. So, there you go, your insomnia has benefited the British. Well done.

    Also, female or no, you might want to explore the possibility that your Psychiatrist is stalking you. There’s a definite set up for kidnap in all of this…

    Lisa recently posted It really annoys me when you insist on ruining my day.

  44. Duct tape truly is God’s greatest gift.

    Besides coffee and wine, naturally.

    And sex. S/He did good on that one.

    I’m also quite fond of refrigeration and deodorant.

    SO. Basically, aside from coffee, wine sex, refrigeration and deodorant, duct tape is God’s greatest gift.

    Unless you’re a cat, apparently.

    tracey recently posted I Want to Bottle This Day and Sell it Like Crack.

  45. Also saw a psychiatrist today. Turns out she’s a douche-canoe and I’ve been calling all sorts of ppl all day trying to… I don’t know but also I haven’t slept for 30 something hours.

  46. Heh. “wine sex.” This is where commas make alllll the difference in the meaning of a sentence.

    Then again, most sex around my house IS wine sex. So. Maybe it’s a subconscious thing?

    tracey recently posted I Want to Bottle This Day and Sell it Like Crack.

  47. Insomnia sucks ass bad. I’ve had it since I hit puberty, which was so long ago, I forget when it was. For the first time in my life, I’m getting consistent sleep using Trazedone. Have you tried this? Unfortunately, it doesn’t promote sleep sex or the ingenuity that resulted in cat water beds but you have to be willing to sacrifice a thing or two for sleep.

    Trazedone was originally made as an anti-depressant but does a better job as a sleep aid. So if you use it, you get double benefits and everyone wins. Unless, of course, somehow it manages to disable your funny bone. But let’s not think about that.

    Diana recently posted Mother Nature is a Tough Ol Broad.

  48. Rozerem probably. My doc prescribed it for me a while ago. With the warning that it doesn’t keep you asleep. It only helps you fall asleep. Which doesn’t really help at 3 o’clock in the morning when I wake up to pee then can’t get back to sleep because there are LOTS of things to worry about when you’re peeing at 3 am so by the time I stumble back to bed all I can do is let the anxiety take over.

    My friend was way luckier. She went to the prescription happy doc at urgent care and got a prescription for klonopin. Her waking life is still hell, but at least she sleeps well.

    Rachel recently posted Im a versatile blogger!.

  49. Nimbus (my cat) already stabbed the vet with her own hypodermic needle. So I don’t think cat waterbeds have any place in my house.

    Unless Progressive has a policy for that? If so, maybe I can reconsider.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of It All recently posted Run And don’t take credit cards.

  50. Are you taking the roofies with alcohol? I’m pretty sure they dont work without it.

  51. Half an Ambien only lets me sleep 5 hours. A whole one makes me sleep 14 but I’m a raging bitch the next day. I used to watch Ted Koppel to go to sleep, but now that’s all gone.

    My friend’s husband suggested she wake him when she’s all insomaniacal, that he had the “sleep stick” to cure her problem. She told him it was more like the “creepy stick” and to go back to bed.

  52. What size condoms did you use? Maybe Ferris Mewler’s ego is damaged from not using Magnums. Never underestimate the size of a cat’s…well, you know, feet. I’d also make sure to pay careful attention to if their ribbed and/or lubed.

    Gamanda recently posted Just when I start to question my marriage-.

  53. i find it amusing and scary that your train of thought makes perfect sense to me…

    if you want to know what you’ll be like when you’re older, you should probably just read my conversations…

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which there were picnic tables.

  54. 56
    shalenepaige

    omfg I am crying!!

  55. I always love insomnia for the first few days, and then it just gets irritating. Good luck with the sleep issues! And sorry the roofies didn’t work. Next time, try dissolving them in a Sex On The Beach or Long Island Iced Tea; they may work better that way.

    Kendahl recently posted Do you ever just want to say- screw it- Im done!.

  56. You don’t want to sleep now. Imagine kitty revenge is imminent.

    mrtl recently posted Youll Never Call Me Beer Buckets.

  57. i think you should have tried a hot water bottle. i hear cats like their waterbeds heated.

    pattypunker recently posted show us your meat.

  58. Dearest Jenny – the most on high – light of my life,

    I love you. Will you please love me back? kthanksloveyoubye.

    P.S. – it’s me, Carm…the sweet ladybug from PNN – which turned out to be a rat bastard blog site full of spam who wronged you IMMENSELY, yet it’s where I met you, so I can’t complain too much. ANYWAAAAAYYYSSS, that’s pretty much it, you know…just trying to jog your memory…it probably didn’t work. Even though you love Hannah more than me, STILL…I can’t help it. Give Hailey a hug from Auntie Carm…and uh…yeah…I guess that’s it. OH! Slug Victor in the arm for me – feel free to tell him it’s from me. I’m sure he’ll know EXACTLY who I am…I just realized how totally “onlinish lamesauce” this entire comment was…except for the intro…that HAD to catch your eye, right? Bleh. Whatevs. I love you. Oh, and don’t be jealous or anything, but Hannah came out here after Christmas and she and her awesome hubby stayed at my house and I think that makes my house a Jew Haven of some sort, so I’m pretty much an honorary Jew.

    None of this has anything to do with waterbeds for kitty cats, I REALIZE THAT, OKAY?? It’s just been a long time since I commented and wanted to just pop on by. So…I guess this is where you can delete my post because it’s too long and stuff. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU. SO DON’T WORRY!!!!!!!!!! I love you, I really do…you can ask ANYONE! ~ Carm

  59. You are such a win and I love you. I get insomnia too. :(

    Phoenix Talon recently posted Merry Ol England.

  60. I like the idea of some dude giving a girl roofies but instead of falling asleep so he can hit that unconscious sex, she starts maniacally creating cat water beds.

    Although upon re-reading, I think that no matter how a sentence ends, it should not start with the words, “I like the idea of some dude giving a girl roofies….” Kind of hard to pull people back in after than one.
    jill

    in bed with married women recently posted I am going to fuck you so hard- Snuggle.

  61. Dude. Holy crap, I’m totally going to be making a waterbed for my cat this weekend. He was declawed when I got him, so I don’t necessarily need the mittens but I’m gonna put the duct tape on him anyway, just for shits and giggles.

    k-dawg recently posted Theres No Good Title For an Anti-Drinking &amp Driving Post.

  62. I’ve slept on a waterbed and it was very disturbing. I can’t blame your cats for trying to destroy your ungodly creation.

    Mandy Fish recently posted Yet Another Reason to Dislike Clogs.

  63. I can’t get my doctor to give me anything and we don’t even have to pay for drugs. Unless I offered to pay. Can you get arrested for offering to pay your doctor for drugs? I’d like to be clear before I get started.

    Penbleth recently posted Welcome night.

  64. Glad to know I’m not the only insomniac meds don’t work on. Ambien didn’t do shit, and it took 3x the normal does of Restoril to actually get me to sleep. Haven’t tried roofies, but copious amounts of Jaegermeister or Mike’s Hard Lemonade used to work damn good (the hubby learned quickly that drunk Raine equaled me passing out asleep as soon as we got to the car, rather than him getting laid – also I can’t work a zipper when drunk).

    Umm yeah, off from that tangent, I used to use my insomnia time to clean. I’m a serious slob so this has led to the hubby freaking out once or twice because he thought he was in the wrong house when he woke up. It also made me a really great fit for night shift, except I’d be all awake and talky at 3am and my co-workers
    would be all like STFU, we’re trying to sleep and not get caught.

    Raine recently posted Moms Against Cooties - PR Fail.

  65. I’m waiting for a photo of this cat-duct-taped waterbed.

  66. I do not understand why people don’t like waterbeds. You can totally use the wave action to your advantage…you know…*wink wink nudge nudge*..only thing is that now someone probably is turning me into the authorities because it SEEMS like I’m talking about Kitties doing the NASTY..only I’m talking about consensual adults here people, DAMMIT!!!!! Anyway – I had one in the 90’s and when we switched from waterbed to pillowtop regular mattress, I had to slow my roll so-to-speak. It was like learning how to ride a bike all over again! WOW…viva la TMI. Sorry…but I’m hitting “submit” anyway…

    Carm recently posted In my heart- there’s an emptyness….

  67. How can you *accidentally* have sex in your sleep?!?! Like, “Whoops! Sorry, I slipped and fell on your penis. But don’t worry, it’s not me, it’s the roofies that are making me clumsy.”

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted Clearly- There is a Vast Conspiracy of Powerful People Who Communicate Solely Via Duck Comic.

  68. If I could laugh harder, I would’ve died. I read the twitter feed the next morning from that experiment and that was funny on its own but the “rohypnol” was even greater. On the bright side, it seems you can remember not getting sleep so that’s good… sorta.

  69. Ha! At least your insomnia-triggered projects are more potentially-lucrative than mine. I spent last night looking for random magazine ads that I could modify to include various Kenny Rogers lyrics. Right now I’m working on photoshopping a vintage Syphilis advertisement with lyrics from”Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town.”

    Wait, I have an idea…If you ever figure out how to make these waterbeds without the bleeding part, I could develop your “Felines on The Islands In The Stream”-inspired marketing campaign!

    All I ask is that you think about it. (Even though thanks to my insomnia I’ll probably end up doing it anyway.)

    bschooled recently posted Kenny Rogers mad Photoshop skills What could be my most INGENIOUS insomnia-triggered Nintendo ad idea ever.

  70. First of all, I’m totally disappointed that I missed the cat/waterbed tweet thingie. Cos that is just awesome. It makes me wish that I had insomnia. But not really. Because I like to sleep.

    And second of all, I dont’ have another point. But since I wrote first of all, I felt like I had to put a second of all.

    Love,

    Carolyn

    Carolyn recently posted Old Rags and Tailors - Normal or Not Normal THAT is the Question.

  71. Well if you’re on roofies then you’d better be wearing your cat condoms. Or your I-Mew-D.
    (Lord knows I can’t resist a good pussy joke.)

    Julie the Wife recently posted The Asylum is Empty.

  72. cats prefer water beds made of jello in baggies.
    proven fact.

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted Blogger Face Off Round 4.

  73. 76
    physicsmom

    Sorry the roofies didn’t work. Someone recommended Trazadone, but I don’t – didn’t work for me. Since I’m not a normal person, I sleep mornings and am up all night. I fall asleep about the time Morning Joe comes on (and I don’t have to watch him – hooray!). Usually I hit your blog about 3am, so today is totally weird. Maybe I have daytime insomnia? Never considered that. Thanks Jenny. Time to work on that project I was thinking of, sort of a bed thing for pets, but wobbly and soft???

  74. I’m immune to roofies too. Had to explain to the doctor that they wouldn’t help my insomnia, THEN had to explain how I knew. Then she tried a bunch of other stuff that didn’t work either. Most of it just made me hostile.

    Now I just have night time projects that are quiet.

  75. Who would’ve thought a cat wouldn’t like condoms and duct tape on his hands? Or paws. Whatever…you know what I meant.

    Jacqui recently posted I Wish I Could Bottle This….

  76. You probably just need Samuel L Jackson to read you the children’s book Go The Fuck To Sleep – its a free download. It might help, and if it does, keep those roofies for a rainy day. http://www.avclub.com/articles/download-samuel-l-jacksons-audiobook-version-of-go,57503/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=avclub_rss_daily

  77. clearly your psychiatrist is behind the times. here is your cure:
    http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/228390.php

  78. I remember that day. I recall thinking:”At least she learned something. About duct tape cat mittens.”

    Also, maybe, just to be safe, you should ask your doctors if what they’re giving you is actually generic roofies. Seems like a good question to ask from now on.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Pass me my peanut butter Now.

  79. Trazadone worked for me, but I don’t have insomnia. So why am I commenting…

    kmkat recently posted FO- miscellaneous pt 2.

  80. omg, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. cat waterbeds. wow.

    Donna recently posted Dear 61411.

  81. you are hilarious. i am almost considering re-joining twitter just to follow your escapades.

  82. So, you’re giving the cat roofies?

    Also, I hope they find something to help you sleep. I went through 4 or 5 medications before they found what works for me. It happens to actually be an anti-psychotic, even though they’ve told me I’m not psychotic. But I’m finally sleeping consistently for the first time in YEARS, so I don’t really care.

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted My Kids Are Reverse Vampires.

  83. I have been trying to train my cat to balance on one of those core trainier stability balls for months. If you get the cats to work with the waterbed, I’d like a training video please!

    La Juice recently posted La Juice May Be Loose- But She’s For Real.

  84. I know for a fact one of your readers is a nurse anesthetist and could probably hook you up with some good shit. If you could have surgery using it, the sex probably won’t even wake you up a little.

    Betty Fokker recently posted Moo.

  85. 88
    Sandra (a.k.a. Sandrandan)

    Ah Jenny. How I wish I were clever and funny like your other commenters. But I’m not, *sigh* so I apologize in advance for being boring. Thank you for making me laugh (again!). I so so so wish that I had a magical harmless pill that would take away your pain and help you to sleep.

    Here’s a thought. Many of the funniest, kindest, and cleverest people I know have painful conditions and/or other problems such as insomnia. Maybe the truly strong people learn how to laugh and love in spite of the pain.

    Love you.

  86. I think I need me some

  87. I was at the shrink’s office and in the waiting room was a kid wearing duct tape flip flops. It still hurts that I had to see that.

    I wonder if the shrink put him there so I’d have to go back.

    PS Cats are notoriously ungrateful for everything you give them. I feel an affinity with them. I’m not sure why.

    Suniverse recently posted An Area for Concern Or Maybe What Now.

  88. I’m still waiting to see photographic evidence of feline waterbeds.

    Kay Bee recently posted Kay Bee at the movies .

  89. Insomnia is the worst. I know it well. Things done on little or no sleep: dressing up the cat/getting stitches; rearranging the entire apartment/realizing a few hours later that the bed should probably not be in the kitchen; painting bathroom/watercolors and humid room don’t mix.

  90. White Russians, or White Roofies as I call them, give me a total loss of memory after consuming two. It’s the only drink I’ve found that has this effect on me. This past weekend I got on stage with the band I’d come to see and played the tambourine for them…without them having to ask. Then I got lost in the woods….
    PS. Some kind lady found me.
    PSS. I slid/rolled down the hill in front of my house upon arriving home.

  91. Ask your dr for seraquil …seriously go do it! You won’t get date raped, but you will need to make arrangements for Victor to carry you out of the house in case of fire! (My husband takes them and they seriously work!).

    Julia recently posted buying a car with my 3 year old husband.

  92. One time I had a dog…when I brought him home he jumped on the waterbed and freaked the fuck out…couldn’t figure out how to get off the waterbed. Funniest. shit. ever. I wasn’t on drugs….and Im still not….

  93. Ferris Mewler? That is truly the best cat name ever! Have you thought about using pudding in the ziploc bags? I think less sloshing about will stop the cat from freaking out when you put him to bed.

    Kay@BlueSpeckledPup recently posted Uterine Saga Part One- The Back Story.

  94. oh wow, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I desperately need a hand drawn dinosaur, preferably one on roofies. I really don’t mean to bother you, but since you’re not sleeping anyway….could you?

    Wupppy recently posted Labor.

  95. The intensity and stubbornness of your insomnia really freaks me out. But at least thousands of people get entertainment from it. Think of all the poor insomniacs that try to make cat waterbeds, tell their friends about it, and end up in a padded room. You’ve got it made.

    Rachael recently posted Clawing my way up a Monster’s esophagus.

  96. FYI, Fred Miller: Cat’s penises…peni?…have backwards barbs on them and if you need to see what that looks like Google *will* oblige you.
    Andi, I’ve heard that definition for insomnia as well and I, too, have a totally different circadian rhythm than normal people, but it sounds like Jenny isn’t sleeping much during any time of the day. (Note that I am writing this at 4:39 a.m. and have not gone to bed yet “for the night.”)
    Jenny, Rozerem sucks and is for amateur insomniacs. You sound like you’re on the pro circuit. I’ve done well with a small dose of trazodone (an old school anti-depressant used almost exclusively for sleep problems anymore) and a very small dose of clonazepam along with it. I take them about 30-45 minutes before I want to sleep. The trazodone will make you a bit zombie-ish the first few days, BUT that goes away within the first week, so power through those few days. (It sounds like you could use a few xombie-ish days of recovery, anyway.) This combo not only helps me fall asleep, but it helps me sleep *soundly*, without waking for a normal period of time (8-10 hours depending on my pain levels and whether or not I’m in a “flare”) and helps control my anxiety. I know a ton of people who trazodone has helped and only a couple who swear by any of the newfangled sleeping pills like Rozerem or Ambien. I see other people recommended both trazodone and clonazepam (Klonopin) so maybe you can ask your doc since you’re getting a min-consensus. (Doctors take blog commenters advice into consideration, right??) I absolutely DO NOT recommend Seroquel which someone mentioned. It is a schizophrenia and bipolar drug used off label for insomnia and the side effects can be nasty. (Yes, I have taken it for bipolar; it did make me sleepy, but “dumb sleepy” and it didn’t help with the bipolar at all. I was glad, because the side effects list scared the shit outta me.) Drug reps are pushing this off label use lately; it must be coming off of patent or something. (I hate when docs just give you shit the reps tell them to give you. Is that why they went to school for all of those years??) Anywho…I hope you find you’re magic bean soon. (((Hugs)))

    Kayly Newcomer recently posted Fuck that shit!.

  97. No, no, no, you’re doing cat mittens wrong… give the cat the roofies, THEN put the duct tape on. How do you not know this already?

  98. Dear Sweet Mama is taking the Ambien, which apparently makes you drive and steal construction equipment in your sleep. At least that’s what the nice officer said… I mean, that’s what it said on the pamphlet…

    hoodyhoo recently posted At Least I Tried.

  99. was just wondering if you’re taking orders for dinosaur waterbeds. and i wrote about you in my post today. no need to thank me.

    http://results-not-typical-girl.com/wordpress/2011/06/15/wtf-wednesdays-bloggess-hootchie-shaving-cream-diet-dr-pepper/

    Kirsten (results not typical girl) recently posted lapband fevah.

  100. LOL. You rock.

    Ferris Mewler is the best name for a cat ever.

    I’m starting to feel a bit better about the fact that I like working from 10 pm to 4 am…but I’m not getting enough sleep during the day to offset that lately. Trying to put condoms on my cats’ feet would be a good way to lose a limb…

  101. One can never be quite sure if you’re a wildly imaginitive satirist, or actually a deeply disturbed person in need of care.
    I think the state should probably check into this, just in case.

    If I Were God... recently posted Go easy on the Weiner.

  102. I felt a sense of horror and dismay when I realized the waterbed was intended for the cats… The Hubby and I had to sleep on an air mattress for a while here recently, and it didn’t last long due to kitty claw-claws. At first we thought it was a defective mattress, because we are stupid and could never think our beloved kitties could be capable of destruction. *blinks* But when a second mattress also proved “defective” we eventually gave up and slept on the floor until we could afford an actual bed. I applaud your efforts and your wish for Ferris Mewler to experience the wonder of a water bed, but I could only think “Oh Sweet Jeebus, it’ll be like our air mattresses but *WITH WATER*!” I am so sorry for your insomnia–I feel your pain–and I hope future attempts at beating the shit out it (the insomnia, that is…) are more successful.

  103. I had insomnia last night. If I had read this sooner, I could have tried to make a cat trampoline or something…

    Jules recently posted Are You a Stalker.

  104. OMG. Ferris Mewler. I’m going to be laughing all day :)

    Chantel recently posted My Parrot is a Horndog.

  105. Sean always rats me out when I invent things for the cats. And/or from the cats.

    Fred Miller recently posted Get Rich Sitting on your Ass.

  106. 109
    jason reynolds

    I just sent the below to my wife , she forwarded me your dilemma:

    I can completely follow that!!!

    Awesome!!

    Question is, where is she gonna find a comforter and sheet set to fit a ziploc bag???? Bed Bath and Beyond ain’t gonna sell that shit, she’s gonna have to go full custom, likely asking a local quilter to make her special bedding. As far as the cat feet covering problem she needs to use small sized doggy shoes they will work great!

  107. [...] and get the hell over to her blog. Everything she writes is great, but in particular I loved her recent post about her mental health meds and chronic [...]

  108. OMG. I just found your site and think that we are twins that were separated at birth. Only I’m older. Yeah. Sooo, I’m glad that I’m not the only person who does stuff like this and is perfectly willing to admit it. Hehehehe. :D

  109. I’m so glad your cats have more sense than you do, Jenny.

    Now, don’t turn this into another “you don’t love meeeee!” argument… You know I love you when you’re good and regard you with the vague fondness you would give to your cousin’s son’s grandchild when you’re bad.

    Sandra Lina recently posted Being a vampire would totally ruin my sex life.

  110. [...] Bloggess recently live-tweeted her attempt to make a waterbed for her cats.  It’s the second half of the post.  It killed me.  Now go away, Internet.  I’m [...]

  111. Totally hilarious, mostly because I can relate. I have chronic insomina as well. Of course I ususally spend that time doing such apallingly non-productive things like organizing my post-it reminders.

    Nic recently posted Working in a Gender Bending RoleThe Negatives.

  112. duct tape. it solves everything liquor and xanax doesn’t

  113. So … I can testify that hammocks are FABULOUS. Now there’s proof. Try this with your five foot cock next to you and I imagine you’ll sleep like a baby. Also … drinking a Killer Bee helps too. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/06/20/137300311/why-hammocks-make-sleep-easier-deeper?sc=fb&cc=fp

  114. OK, I found your blog when a friend shared the giant chicken link, and I’ve been reading backwards. Only I’m crying (from laughing with, not at lol) and wheezing (from asthma). I hope you get some sleep soon, but the cat waterbeds just might be worth it :D.

  115. You are crazy. In a good kind of way. Entertaining too.

  116. This blog is way to wonderful! Thank you for the wit and humor!! You just got yourself a new follower =) I had to share this with my readers this week!

    Megan recently posted For A Good Laugh.

  117. OMG, I just found your blog and I think I’ve injured myself. I can’t read backwards in it anymore because I’m at my office, and I thought I’d be safe because most of the real working people have left, but no, the *cleaning people* have come to make sure I was okay. I think they thought I was choking. Or throwing up. No, just seriously identifying, thank you.

    Thank you for existing and being ME. You also seem to be married to my husband. Interesting.

  118. Just for the record, cat trampolines do not work well either… lost quite a bit of blood in that adventure. :)

    Jean C. recently posted Popularity has its downsides, and popularity is one of them..

  119. 122
    Kristin... in Va Beach

    Remember that scene in Mary Poppins where the peeps couldn’t stop laughing so they just stayed at the top of the ceiling…

  120. Just found your blog – fantastic. Can’t wait to read more. Something to consider – if the insomnia doesn’t seem stress related, it might be blood sugar/adrenal issues. That’s why I get it. Cutting out sugar, eating several small meals a day, and getting adrenal/thyroid/liver support can make a HUGE difference. I use a naturopath to help with this. Good luck, m’dear. Hope you get sleep soon.

  121. Your blog = A- FUCKING- MAZING! It all started with that giant chicken link and now the cat waterbeds. You are ridiculous. Sleeping is completely over rated and I think more people should have insomnia. Well, maybe not.

  122. I cant breathe I’m laughing so hard… oh, i just need to print these stories and put them into a booklet for anyone thinking of marrying me EVER
    :0)

  123. 126
    Nichole Renee

    I totally want to be your best friend. Or for you to be mine. But not in a creepy, stop-stalking-me-you-creepo way. Just in a you-made-me-laugh-soda-out-my-nose-and-I-peed-a-little way.

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