Cats never have to empty the dishwasher

Cats are very lucky because they can hide just about anywhere.

I’m sure there are downsides, but it would be nice if when Victor was calling me to show me how I’d loaded the dishwasher wrong again I could just disappear, and then hours later when I showed up I’d be like, “You were calling me?  Sorry.  I was asleep in the dryer.”  Or “I couldn’t hear you because I got shut in a drawer. My bad.”  You can’t get mad at that.

Plus, he couldn’t yell at me for loading the dishwasher incorrectly because I’m a cat and cats don’t clean.

Or rather, they do, but in different ways. Like, they clean their butts with their tongues. Which actually sounds much worse than having to load the dishwasher now that I think about it.

Never mind. I guess the grass is always greener on the side of the fence, until you realize you have to lick  your own butt-hole on that side, and then you decide you prefer your original side, where all you have to do is just poorly load the dishwasher enough times that your husband will just loudly huff and passive-aggressively reload it for you.

PS.  I still think it’s a little unfair that I can’t hide in the dryer, but I suppose we can’t have everything, and I think I’ll remind Victor of that small injustice next time he yells at me about the dishwasher. That way he’ll know that I’m suffering too.

And that's why you always check your dryer.  Also, this dryer looks improperly loaded.  It's a damn epidemic.
This is an old picture but it fits here.  And that’s why you should always check your dryer. Also, this dryer looks improperly loaded. It’s a damn epidemic in this house.

147 thoughts on “Cats never have to empty the dishwasher

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  1. I had a cat who would hide up in the rafters of our unfinished basement and then pounce upon people as they walked under him. It was evil. And painful.

  2. I’ve always secretly wished I was an animagus like Professor McGonagall so I could turn into a cat and hide in stealth when it’s time to go to the in-laws for dinner. You just changed my mind with the whole butthole cleaning thing, though…so now I’ll need a new plan.

  3. …and that is why I make him load the dishwasher and I cook the dinner! Even though he is a better cook than I am – at least I don’t get yelled at for being a bad cook. 🙂

  4. I just got a new washer and dryer and they are so huge you, me, and Hunter could hang out in them with leftover room for snacks. They have given me a new paranoia though where I’m convinced my orange cat will leap into either machine while I’m loading it and he’ll end up being washed and/or dried because I can’t hear his muffled meows of help under the enormous piles of clothes that are being washed. Now, when I’m done loading either machine I have to jam both my arms into them and swirl them around trying to find the cat I know is in a machine even though he’s usually sitting in the hallway staring at me like I’m crazy so I have to yell,” I’m doing this to save you!” That orange jerk is so ungrateful.

  5. People do freak out over dishwashers, don’t they. How could any way to do this be SO wrong? Dishes go in, they come out… bada bing.
    Except for knives up. Especially if there are small children around. That could be wrong.
    Or no children around and knives up and you push someone. That could maybe be wrong, also.

    PS- I’m with Daddy Scratches. I don’t even HAVE a dishwasher. There is a termite hill of dishes waiting for me right now. My cats ain’t doing shit.

  6. Every time someone posts a cute cat picture, I find myself traveling down the “Let’s Adopt a Cat” rabbit hole on Petfinder. Then I remember that I’m allergic and unprepared. Damn. [Morosely feeds fish].

  7. I think it should be law that you have to load a dishwasher with someone before you take your Vows. And laundry, you have to see each other do laundry. The butt licking can wait until after the wedding. Some things should be a surprise.

  8. In college, my roommate had an ahole of a cat, and he would jump in the fridge EVERY TIME it was opened. One day I closed him in, just for a second to show him the consequences of his actions, but since I’m also apparently an ahole I forgot he was in there. Fifteen minutes later my roommate asked what all the scratching noise in the kitchen was and I ran screaming to the fridge and had to explain why I apparently tried to murder her cat. I’m such a good friend. And pet owner.

  9. In must be something in the structure of estrogen, because I am also unable to load a dishwater properly. Thank goodness my husband points that out, so I can improve.

  10. Can they make a human size deep-space hamster wheel pelase? (and by “they” i mean the smart people who are in charge of such things, naturally.)

  11. About the dishwasher…

    My husband and I load it in different ways. I load it so that when I take the silverware out it’s easier. All the spoons together with spoons, forks with forks, knives with knives. You get the idea. I also load the rest of the dishwasher like it’s a game of Tetris so I can cram as much stuff in there as humanly possible and still get clean.

    My husband, on the other hand, opens the dishwasher, grabs and handful of dishes, and tosses them in. I’ve never seen anyone load a dishwasher in such a helter-skelter fashion. BUT…he’s loading the dishwasher and I’m not. Why on earth am I going to bitch about the way he does it?!? As long as I don’t have to why do I care how?

  12. I don’t care how the man loads or unloads the dishwasher. I am, though terrified he’ll start it up with cat inside as he is rather oblivious… so I have to run around and account for all 5 cats once he starts it up. In high school a friend’s mom did in the pet ferret in such a manner.

  13. Once when I was 12, I babysat 4 little boys and they put the youngest one in the dryer. He was okay..dizzy and his hair was standing up…and I never should have been left alone with 4 little kids

  14. I’m the one in my home that complains about the dishwasher being loaded wrong. Sorry.
    I’d be a cat but would find it significantly annoying to not have thumbs. I’ve grown quite fond of mine.

  15. Definitely check your dryer. My dad threw clothes in on top of a sleeping cat as a teenager and ran a full dry cycle. The cat came out looking permanent pressed and super dead.

  16. How does one load a dishwasher wrong? Is this the proverbial argument where you have the knives pointing up instead of down one? If they come out clean and unbroken, that is success!

    I believe you need to post a photo or video of how you load the dishwasher. Are you referring back to that incident when you lived in Pearland and the suds overflowed your kitchen because you used laundry detergent instead of dishwasher detergent.

  17. Last night, my husband walked behind me while I was emptying the dryer. He said “I didn’t know the dryer was so big” and I was a little afraid that he was conspiring to push me into it… Also, we’ve had the washer and dryer for a YEAR and he doesn’t know how big the dryer is? sigh.

  18. I am laughing b/c when my youngest was in preschool, he answered some questions about me for a Mother’s Day placemat the teachers laminated and gave to me. And one of the things he said was that the thing I was worst at was crawling into the dryer. For the life of me, I’m trying to remember a time I tried. Perhaps he knew me in my feline lifetime:). Good laughs on this one!

  19. The test of a TRUE friendship/family is that they’ll let you load the dishwasher any way you want … there is deep acceptance in knowing someone cares enough to accept you any way you happen to load the dishwasher.

  20. Meanwhile, we have a dishwasher we can’t use yet.. It’s a whole thing. So if Victor has a dishwasher that can be used, and that people are using, well, then, he should consider himself lucky. I know I will, when that day comes.

  21. I want to hide in the dryer right this second, but sadly I’m at work and I believe in professional settings that’s frowned upon for some unknown reason. I always laugh when my 90 dog tries to find a space to hide but she doesn’t fit. When she’s done something wrong she’ll try to crawl under the coffee table but she can only get her front paws and head under…but she still thinks I can’t see her. The best part is when I say her name her tail starts wagging uncontrollably. Butt hole licking aside, dog’s life is where it’s at.

  22. Cats are so damn lucky. And they totally know how good they have it because they pretty much brag about the fact that the only cleaning they are required to do is to themselves since they do it ALL THE TIME.

  23. Pretty sure no two people on the planet load the dishwasher in the same manner, so thus anyone who does it differently from you is WRONG. Good luck convincing Victor, though.

  24. The dishwasher comment made me remember one of my favorite tweets ever; I think it’s share-worthy: @perlapell “Whenever I’m too lazy to empty the dishwasher I think of frontier ladies and how they would give me the high hard finger upon hearing that.”

    Feel the truthiness.

  25. I love how my cat can be running full speed across the yard. And suddenly she’ll have to stop and vigorously bathe her left paw. It’s like “seriously? Couldn’t that have waited until you made it to the porch?”

  26. Besides not having to load dishwashers – the other perk of being a cat…the love you get from the humans who basically worship you and find everything you do adorable…including the butt licking. (I might be a crazy cat lady, with only two cats).

  27. My husband always yells at me for not loading the dishwasher “correctly” and has done so for years. He just doesn’t give up. So, every time he is in the kitchen and I hear the dishwasher door go down, I stealthily go upstairs or downstairs and ignore his angry calls. I then show up 30-45 minutes later and it’s usually forgotten at that point. If, however, I am caught in the kitchen with no route of escape, I blame our cat (because there’s no one else to blame and she cannot defend herself).

    What’s with men and dishwashers!?

  28. You’d think Victor would just load the dishwasher himself since he knows the Tetras secret to putting everything just right. 🙂

  29. Just… be careful letting your cat get used to hiding in the dryer. It only takes someone’s single inattentive moment. (Speaking from a very traumatic experience from my childhood.)

  30. I’ve always felt like an injustice has been done to me by God not allowing me to be a cat. They get to lay around wherever, they have people to feed them and rub their bellies, they get to just sleep for 20 hours a day. Every day, I’ve looked at my cat with a small twinge of envy.

    That stopped today when you showed me the light: if I were a cat, I’d have to lick my own butt-hole.

    I guess I’ll keep on being human then.

  31. What IS it about orange tabbies?! Mine is named Clémentine, but I call her “Stink” [or DAMMITCAT] because she is Evil on a Stick.

  32. Seriously, the dishwasher we have now is set up completely different from the previous one & they do have to be loaded differently. If your hubby is loading the dishwasher, let him have at it!

  33. I’m just tryin to figure out if there was an epidemic of not playin tetris, like, ever because that is where my dishwasher loading skills come from (and I passed it onto my spawn). DID Y’ALL NEVER PLAY TETRIS?
    also, if we could turn into cats to hide when people were yelling at us, we could turn back into people to shower, thus avoiding the whole licking your own asshole method of cleaning.

  34. If you’re an animagus, couldn’t you get away with showering in human form, or would you still be compelled to lick your butt in cat form? Rowling did not cover this.

    At my house, I often end up asking Mr. Thursday to load the dishwasher simply because he can invariably fit more things into it than I can, and he sometimes gives me Gentle Suggestions about Dishwasher Theory, but when it comes down to it, any loading is good loading.

  35. I know a guy who DIDN’T check the dryer before throwing a load in and starting it. Let’s just say that those clothes needed to be thrown out, along with one very sad, limp kitty. But on the plus side, Limp Kitty sounds like an awesome name for a new disco band.

  36. Admittedly, I do not own a dishwasher, but how do you load it wrong? Do you just stick the dishes in there and it goes?

  37. See, I had a cat who liked to lay in the dishwasher. I don’t know if I’d’ve trusted him to empty it, though… He didn’t have cat-thumbs. I would’ve spent a fortune in replacing glasses.

  38. I know a couple guys that wouldn’t leave the house if they could clean their own butthole, but I’m pretty sure they’d leave my house if I asked them to load the dishwasher. Life is unfair like that.

  39. Yes, that is definitely NOT how you load a cat in a dryer. Everyone knows you load them head first…

  40. I have one of those roll around dishwashers that you have to hook up and it’s so full. And getting fuller every day. Why haven’t the cats hooked it up, run it and put the dishes away? I am the worst, it’t not hard to do so why am I using paper plates and plastic silverware?

  41. Loading the dishwasher is the adult version of Tetris. Victor must have been skilled at that game as a child.

    Maybe Cats just aren’t winning at loading the dishwasher because they haven’t been introduced to tetris yet. Hmmm…that’s one way to train a feline!

  42. Also, when I was little, I would always hide in the dryer for hide-and-seek. And then my mom would get mad and tell me how dangerous it was and never to do it again. So I’d hide there the next round, because who’s gonna look for me there right after they told me never to hide in there ever again? Nobody, that’s who.

  43. That’s like my boyfriend when he puts the dishes away and I find a frying pan with the cups and plates…I remind him every time and all he has to do is look in the drawers to see the other frying pans to know they belong together. But I know he just opens an cabinet and puts shit in there.

  44. My incredibly mischievous kitten TOTALLY wants to load the dishwasher. I won’t let her. She has poopy paws. And you do have to check dishwashers, dryers, and washers for cats. I have a co-worker whose adult cat barely survived a cycle in a front load washer. The vet bill was enormous. And kitty probably would not have made it if it had been a top loader. Whenever I ask my cats to vacuum while I’m at work, they just laugh at me.

  45. Does Victor prefer you to load the dishwasher from the back to the front? Because that’s the way my husband prefers it, and he hollers every time someone does it backwards. I was unaware that other husbands have what I’ll call quirks about loading a dishwasher.

  46. I got yelled at quite a bit about loading the dishwasher wrong, until i broke it or maybe it just broke. I take credit though. Now I just load the dish rack lopsided so I believe that is a step up. Of course we each do our own laundry seperate because I really do that wrong!

  47. While reading this, I held out my hand to my boss who was rewinding the USB cord for our digital camera. He hands it to me asking, “Was I doing it wrong?” I said, “No, I just have a certain way that I wind it”

  48. Also, what I tell my kids/husband when I rearrange the dishwasher is that I am just making more room for more dishes before we run it! They fall for it every time!

  49. I thought I was the only one who loaded the dishwasher wrong. Don’t get me started about folding the towels! And why do my cats attack the newly folded towels? Judgemental little fucks.

  50. My hubby does a terrible job loading the dishwasher, but you know what? that is still 1/2 a load I didn’t have to wash! He may not put enough dishes in, but at least I didn’t have to do it. Not worth complaining about. Plus, if I correct him, he will never load it again. Then I really would lose in this scenario…

  51. I am the dishwasher reloader. I apologize now. But really, it’s life application of tetris. Also, my cat does nothing except terrify my children and give me love bites.

  52. My dad has dishwasher paranoid disorder from being scolded to many for incorrect dishwasher loading but he fights through and continues. My husband doesn’t load the dishwasher so he has no say. The cat well ya know he’s a cat

  53. I never liked dishwashers and now that i live alone in a cabin I had built, I don’t have one. Hah1 Solves the critical observer problem. Washing the dishes for one person is pretty easy as I only use one place setting over and over (after washing), sometimes with a paper (Chinette) plate that I use multiple times until something sticks to it that won’t rinse off.. Then new Chinette plate. Pots and pans soak for an hour and then are washed. I have perfectly nice FiestaWare plates and have no idea why I use Chinette ones since I wash them anyway.
    Nick

  54. Well, you could always get a large cardboard box from a furniture store and paint it to look like a dryer, and just tell Victor you got it for in case the other one breaks down. Due, of course, to your regrettable loading incompetence. The fact that you’re thinking ahead will impress the heck out of him, and when you go inside it to do necessary maintenance it won’t occur to him to notice that you have cookies in there.

  55. Just stop loading the dishwasher. And when he complains about all the dishes piled up in the sink, tell him that his constant criticism of your loading skills has made it clear that you are no longer up to the task and he should take over!

  56. I want you to know that I was drinking a purple shake while I read this and now there is purple shake decorated paperwork that other people have to touch. Worth it.

  57. “If you have to dry the dishes
    (Such an awful boring chore)
    If you have to dry the dishes
    (‘Stead of going to the store)
    If you have to dry the dishes
    And you drop one on the floor
    Maybe they won’t let you
    Dry the dishes anymore”

    ― Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic

  58. I load the dishwasher in a very methodical anal retentive obsessive compulsive manner. Then rearrange when new items go in. My husband gets very offended when I rearrange his dish loading. I keep saying hey no offense I rearrange my own loaded dishes. Also do not I don’t like to go to those grocery stores where you bag your own stuff. Again, very methodical anal retentive obsessive compulsive bagging behavior. Because you can’t have canned goods with deli item. And don’t get me started on fresh fruits/veggies with fresh meat. Just wrong and unnatural.

  59. Okay, I’m often secretly on Victor’s side, but now he’s starting to sound like an an anal-retentive ass. The rule is, if you have to slavish load the dishwasher, you do not also have to be verbally humiliated and abused for doing it wrong. Since ya’ll seem to discuss lots of important life rules I find it hard to believe that this has not come up before. Perhaps this subject warrants a public hearing.

  60. well, i am glad i don’t have a dishwasher. one less thing to worry about doing incorrectly…. my husband just gets upset when i leave a few dishes in the nasty ass water and let them sit until the next time i feel like doing dishes.
    and as far a life as a cat… it would be pretty awesome. besides the butt licking and all. oh well.

  61. My mom cannot load a dishwasher, either, and half the dishes are not clean as a result (like, crusted food on the plates, etc). My father notices this, but does not take matters into his own hands (unless he really thinks complaining about it is doing anything to fix it after all these years…) I usually end up rewashing a lot of dishes when I go over to visit (in a way that mom doesn’t notice, though. I’m not rude). I, on the other hand, would LOVE to have a dishwasher. Or a cat that does dishes. Or a cat.

    So, to wrap up, Victor sounds like my dad, but younger. Really, the dishwasher should just be their chores, since they care so much.

    PS Whenever my boyfriend mentions something that should be done around the house, I sweetly smile at him and say, “you do it, then.” 🙂 He never does, but I think he’s cute anyway.

  62. We don’t even have a dishwasher! Perspective. Now you have it. An improperly loaded dishwasher is still a dishwasher.

    Also I like the idea of a dishwashing cat, but I think a dishwashing dog would be more likely to happen. You can’t ask a cat to do anything, especially anything involving water. Dogs on the other hand…

  63. Love your blog but that picture makes me oh-so-nervous. Many a kitty has been ‘put through an actual spin cycle’ to the complete abandon of their owners. So if you will please allow me this second to make a public appeal…CHECK YOUR WASHING MACHINE or Dryer Thoroughly to make sure your animal is not hiding out in there before you blindly turn on a cycle. Thanks. xoxo

  64. Yeah my boyfriend complained about my inability to wash dishes to his standards so often that I’ve now been banned from doing dishes…. Which suits me fine since doing dishes makes me shudder…. I have this thing about touching dirty dishes…. Euuuugh

  65. A friend of mine recently closed a cat in a dresser drawer as well. What is it with you cat people?

    You should aim to be more like a dog, because then, even if Victor was calling you to tell you how you loaded the dishwasher wrong AGAIN, as a dog, you’d still just be so damn happy that he called you at all. And wagging your tail might do wonders for your marriage. Just sayin’.

  66. Tip: When you turn on the dryer, and it sounds like there’s a pair of running shoes in there, but you didn’t put any in there, you should stop the dryer and check for the cat.

  67. My daughter had a cat hide in the dryer once–she only got spun around a couple times since Em knew there were no gymshoes in the load to be making the thumping sound…she opened the dryer immediately and a highly indignant calico streaked out of the laundry room, never to venture into the dryer again. However, we had an old tomcat for 22 yrs who would crawl into the dryer full of clean, dry clothes while I was trying to take them out to fold. He would head to the laundry room as soon as he heard the dryer buzzer. Oh, and that dishwasher and laundry soap trick…my ex-husband did that, but he used dish washing liquid…and he did it TWICE. (Though THAT was not why he became an ex-husband…)

  68. Victor is doing it wrong. The appropriate response to one’s spouse loading the dishwasher wrong is to suffer in silence, or maybe mutter a bit. And if it’s only a few dishes, fix it. Nothing more.

    A friend of mine had a cat that was always hanging around the dryer, trying to jump in on the warm clothes. So one day, to teach him a lesson, he closed it and ran it very briefly. The cat jumped out dizzily, shook himself and then jumped right back in! For the rest of his life, everyone in the house had to check the dryer very carefully to make sure he wasn’t trying for another “dryer ride.”

  69. There are not many things that my lovely wife does that piss me off, but rearranging things that I’ve put into the dishwasher is one of them, especially since she misarranges them when she does it.

  70. I have never seen a cat hide in a dryer before. Maybe because my dryer is up in the air… and my cats would have to be bionic and have thumbs to open the door in the first place. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, my kitten could probably figure it out. She seems to have super-cat powers and gets into everything.

  71. If only my dogs could do the washer/dryer thing. But alas, they have short legs and cannot climb into the machines. But damn, it would so save on their bath time! Never mind the tumbling part. Ok, no, no, let’s not even think about that. Hmm, I wonder if laundry soap is harmful for dogs… But I digress.

  72. My Mom accidently dried one of our cats in the dryer when I was a baby. She was DEVASTATED. Apparently this happens pretty often though. So always check your dryer first!!!! 🙂

  73. I would absolutely clean my rump with my tongue in exchange for all the perks my cats enjoy. Not even a second thought.

  74. My significant other has become a work-from-home person since we moved from California to Canada with my employer being the one to pay for it (and get us the temp worker permits). Since our move, the dishwasher loading debate has become far more important to him. There’s just the 2 of us. I am of the mind the dishwasher should be run at least once every other day (I would prefer at least once every day), but I cannot convince him of this fact. He won’t run the dishwasher unless it is full to his opinion. If there is a 2″ space in either the top or the bottom, no matter the number of dishes piling up on the sink because they won’t fit, he won’t run the dishwasher because it’s “not full” (I might be exaggerating slightly on the 2″ but it’s rarely room for more than one or two very small dishes that holds up the running of the washer). In my opinion, too, he over fills the dishwasher. He plays the tight Tetris game with it and gets annoyed with me putting dishes in “wrong” (i.e. with enough room between them that the water being flung around during the cycles can actually reach all sides of each item going in). AND he insists that every dish going into the dishwasher must be thoroughly washed first with soap, not just rinsed, because dish washers aren’t for washing, he claims, they’re just for semi-sterilizing with soapy and non-soapy cycles. I say the reason he thinks dishwashers don’t really wash is because he doesn’t run it at least once daily and he says you can’t run it until it’s truly full or else it’s wasteful. But then he insists on the heated dry option which is the option you can turn off to save electricity. But, he says, how can it do its sterilizing work if it can’t cook the dishes once they’ve gone through the other cycles. I love him dearly, but the dishwasher debacle drives me nuts. He wasn’t as focused on it when he wasn’t working from home. He didn’t freak out about me running it at least once every other day then or how I was loading it (other than the running commentary on how I should be washing the dishes first not just rinsing them). At this time we have neither a cat nor a dog. I’ve wanted desperately to get another pet again (been over 15 years since my last) and in the almost decade we’ve been living together we keep talking about how much he wants one, too, and keep finding rentals that allow pets. Hmm… sorry for the ranty rant.

  75. I do not understand. How can you load a dishwasher wrong? As long as it’s all in there and fits then it should basically come out alright. Right? I am kind of new to dishwashers so forgive any ignorance.

  76. Ugh. It must be exhausting having husbands. I have enough trouble with hard water so my dishwasher barely works at all anyway. But I’m glad the only opinion in my household is mine.

  77. I read your book at 2am when I was done power-barfing, and it made me laugh so I figured I wasn’t dying just yet. So that’s something.

  78. I never had complaints abut the dishwasher when I was married. Maybe because he complained about my driving one too many times and I made him drive all the time thereafter. I think he was afraid he would get stuck with dishwasher duty, too.

    Now, no one cares. Except sometimes the dog. He likes to like the plates in the dishwasher and sometimes I don’t give him the chance.

  79. I don’t have a problem with a way my husband loads the dishwasher. I have a problem with him calling it “stacking the dishwasher”. He also unstacks it instead of unloading it.

    There is also an ongoing scrapers vs spatulas vs flippers argument in this house. We pretty much had to ban the word spatula.

  80. So many times I think about how much better life would be as a cat… nobody would complain that I sleep most of the day but run around the house all night. I also often wish other people would bathe me and that I didn’t have to wear clothes. Maybe when you’ve become the best person you could be, you finally get reincarnated as a cat and that is what heaven truly is.

  81. Dishes around here are pretty much not my job. This is mostly because I didn’t grow up with a dishwasher and hubs did. Then again, I had to teach him how to, properly, do laundry. Quid pro quo I guess.

  82. My husband and I used to have this problem – problem being that I incorrectly loaded the dishwasher every time and he hated it. He would get frustrated, I would get frustrated, tempers would flare. Finally I said “Well, fine, if I don’t load it right then you can just load it every time and then you don’t have to reload it!” and he said “I would prefer that!” and I said “Fine!” and he said “Fine!” and we both walked away from that feeling like the winner and I haven’t loaded the dishwasher (or UNloaded it, for that matter) since 2005. I shit you not. So, yeah, pretty sure the winner was actually me.

  83. Actually, I have a picture of one of my kid’s in the dryer… She was in high school at the time if I remember correctly, so perhaps the issue is you don’t have the proper dryer.

  84. My husband is the one who loads it wrong but he also tells me I load it wrong or that it doesn’t matter. Um, no. I load it so every dish will actually be hit by water but so that I can fit as much in there as possible to do as few loads as possible. Somehow he’ll fit half the dishes and yet stack them against each other in such a way they’ll never get clean. Or leave the kind of food that just gets flung around instead of actually cleaned away from all the dishes. It’s ridiculous. Our new rule, now that we have a dishwasher again and don’t want to fight every other day about it, is that he can load and unload but only I can start the dishwasher so that I can rearrange to my heart’s content and so only I can he blamed if something comes out less than sparkling.
    As for the cats – the science of their tongues makes me willing to trade bum licking for a cat’s life. Although… do they have orgasms? I’m not sure I’m willing to give up those.

  85. My aunt’s cats slept in her dryer. She had a sign taped to the front of the door to check for cats before turning the dryer on, after a couple of her cats went for a sudden unexpected ride.

  86. Get one of those big dyers they have at laundromats. You would be able to fit in one of those. You’d come out smelling clothesline fresh.

  87. I like the word “flustrated”. As in I am flustrated that I had to re-type that word three times, before auto spell-check stopped changing it to frustrated. And it makes me laugh. And I saw it on Hell’s Kitchen which I love, which makes it ok. So. Whole-made (with the hyphen) kind of makes sense to me. Even though I’m one of those freaks that auto-correct people as they say stuff. Sorry.

  88. I’m actually so anal-retentive about loading the dishwasher that I can’t use it and I have to hand-wash my dishes.

  89. We just got a gigantic washing machine that I can actually crawl into, so I did.. and then I burst out of it dramatically when my beloved walked in to give him a bit of a ‘fun fright’. He immediately picked up the nearest object and hit me with it. Unfortunately that object was a rolling pin and, well ouch basically. He then screamed something about having ‘a heart condition you fcking tat’ and then spent the night sulking whilst I tried not to bleed everywhere thus upsetting him further.
    Moral of the story, I agree with your conclusion that the grass is not greener on the other side.

  90. OR you could just do what my cat Apple does and instead of licking your ass you could butt scoot on every carpeted square inch of the house… just a thought.

  91. LOLOL My cats never respond either, and I seem to load the dishwasher, hang the clothes, fold the clothes, and do just about any other chore incorrectly. I have to keep my husband busy, don’t I?

  92. Jenny, you totally cheered me up this morning. Thank you, as always, for your ridiculous, hilarious, and wonderful post 🙂

  93. My dad’s cat keeps trying to hide under the recliner, which works really well for him until the person in the chairs gets up and puts it back in the upright position. There have been times where we notice we haven’t seen Saki in a while, and just assume he’s hiding out somewhere, only for someone to finally walk through the living room when it’s quiet enough to hear muffled frantic meowing and thudding coming from under the couch.

    And the cat doesn’t learn from it’s mistakes. He just keeps doing it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results; therefore this cat is insane.

  94. Just wanted to say THANKS! ….just discovered your blog so I’ve only read the few recent posts, but had a really big dose of GoodMood!!! 😀 Fantastic and Hilarious! Love love love.

  95. At our house, this would be a good thing, because 1) the dryer’s off…and 2) the dryer’s EMPTY. Meaning, not full of wrinkly dry clothes or, worse, yesterday’s wet clothes because WHO FORGOT TO TURN ON THE DRYER?!–oh…me. Nevermind.

  96. Love it! Whenever I do laundry, I do a paranoia check and nose-count before I turn the machine on. You know. Just in case.

  97. I, accomplished professional that I am, hold a State College degree, several professional and moderately compensated certifications, and am a damn-fine speller, also can not adequately load a dishwasher (or properly balance a washing machine). We should form a support group that provides food and alcoholic beverages.

  98. My wife doesn’t load the dishwasher right, either, but eventually you just give up and deal.
    I think it’s just the product of a creative, hyper-intelligent mind which is focused on more important things than loading the dishwasher, so you can tell Victor that.

  99. I want to be a house cat when I grow up. I’m close! I’m a housewife with no kids and a super responsible husband, so I sort of have chores the way a middle school kid has chores. I’m almost living the dream…

  100. My (short, rediculous) friends did that in college! Dryer rides. You squeeze in, cross you legs, hands bracing to the top and turn that thing on!

  101. My cat fell off of the couch while trying to lick her hoo-hah this morning. It was a complete roll over and thud. I nearly peed my pants. What was worse was that instead of being like a normal cat and acting like she meant to do it, she glared at me, like it was my fault. #catisadog

  102. You should totally have labeled this a trigger post, Bloggess…
    Last Christmas, I asked my then 9 year old to get the clothes out of the dryer. She opens the door, and lets out a blood curdling scream-“YOU KILLED MY CAT”. Turns out our little orange and white cat, Piper, had crawled in the dryer sometime between loads, and I didn’t notice her. My poor husband, who was working the overnight shift, got a hysterical phone message from me, my dad had to come help me clean it up. We were all traumatized, and now after this post (and seeing the little orange and white cat in the dryer picture) I’m certain I need therapy.

  103. So, two years ago, my then boyfriend and I moved to Florida. You know, where gators and drunken raccoons (true story, we had a neighborhood one that was pretty unconcerned about, well, his neighbors) and huge spiders and crazy people are rampant? A few weeks into living there, we get ready to go to bed and I’m calling my cat, Mocha, to come to bed too (she always sleeps on my pillow). And she’s not responding. I start freaking out, SURE that she got out while we were letting the dog out to do his nightly business. I check alllll over the house and garage, in any little (well big, she’s not exactly a skinny cat) space she could have crawled in to hide. My boyfriend, an avid cat hater, and I start combing the neighborhood, in PJs, food bin in hand to shake, yelling “MOCHAAAAAA”, crying hysterically (well yea, that was just me, I guess), asking neighbors if they’ve seen her. An hour into this, I give up. Defeated and sad, I make my boyfriend leave the bedroom sliding glass door open (screen door shut in defense of aforementioned dangers) so we can hear her cry when she comes back. Since I just practically ran for an hour in the Florida heat, I need to get out new PJ’s. I open the drawer and there she is, all cuddled up on my night shirts. It was the second drawer down and the top one had been open (which is the one I checked earlier and shut). She must have crawled into the next drawer down before I checked the top one and I just slid the drawer closed right over top her while she cat-napped. She was probably wedged in so tight she a) couldnt move and b) I couldn’t hear her mews if she EVEN TRIED TO ALERT ME.
    It was a traumatic experience. But to this day she’s never napped in another drawer. I guess being stuck in one for over an hour isn’t all that pleasant. hahahaha.

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