NOOOPE.

If you haven’t checked it out today then click here to see my update on my Honorary Super-Doctorate.   Medicinal Margarita Madness and mandatory napping will commence as soon as the mail arrives.  Unless, possibly, ASU is just is waiting for me to get distracted and that’s not going to happen becauOHMYGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CRAZY BULLSHIT?

Several people are aware of my severe giant squid phobia and lovingly (?) sent me this video of a giant squid attacking a Greenpeace submarine, and that’s unsettling enough, but WHY IS THERE ANOTHER SQUID BEHIND IT SPITTING OUT FIRE?  Is that a real thing?  Because I was scared enough without adding: “Oh, and also they can shoot a blinding inferno out of their butts like a tentacled, aquatic bonfire.”  It’s like half giant squid and half underwater maritime flame-thrower, and that’s not natural and is a sign that all giant squid are literally demons from the depths of hell.

It’s also possible that Greenpeace panicked and threw a flare at it and the squid grabbed the flare like, “YOU THINK WE’RE SCARED?  THIS IS A DAMN SPARKER, ASSHOLE.  I EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SPARKLER.  YOU’RE IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NOW, SON.”

[protected-iframe id=”4e5dc8565a0a4d5545057c1a7a6d065e-58006636-1561224″ info=”https://vine.co/v/OAJ6vp3D9i6/embed/simple” width=”600″ height=”600″ frameborder=”0″]

And that’s an even more terrifying scenario because giant squid are already horrifying and NOW THEY HAVE FIRE.  Good work, Greenpeace.  This is why we can’t have nice things.  Because you’ve armed the giant squid.  THEY ALREADY HAD TOO MANY ARMS.

It’s possible I’m overreacting, but I don’t think so.

119 thoughts on “NOOOPE.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I predicted giant squids 20 years ago I swear! I was reading Jules Verne at the time and swore to never go further than my ankles in the ocean. When the giant squid were finally filmed and proven real I spent an entire month telling people I told you so. I never received any naming rights or prizes or anything though.

  2. Oh, for heaven’s sake.

    Jenny, you’re over-reacting.

    The “squid shooting fire” is actually a squid swimming through the intense beam of a spotlight at far right, which is partially obscuring it, and is so bright that it blows out all the color and he looks white. And wiggly like a flame because swimming squid.

    (Nice try, giant squid. Who gave you the internet? Was it Greenpeace? Those fuckers are playing a dangerous game. ~ Jenny)

  3. I guess you weren’t one of those that tuned into the giant squid Autopsy that was done here in NZ. They are so creepy and big, and why are they any better that a plastic bag, I don’t get it!

  4. I think the light from the sub is reflecting off of the other squid, making it look like it’s shooting fire. Or maybe it’s shooting fire.

  5. I don’t think the other one is spitting out fire, I think that’s a reflection of the giant light on the sub? Not that that does much to calm the HOLY CRAPness of it all.

  6. Holy shit. Hubs is watching this weird Chinese white snake freaky crap, so I come here to get distracted and THERE ARE GIANT SQUIDS.

  7. OMG. I stay as far away from the ocean as I can, just because of stories like this. (Which is easy, since I’m in Colorado, but that’s beside the point.) I won’t even gargle with salt water, because you never know…

  8. I think Greenpeace just happened up a Giant Squid breeding ground as there are TWO squid in that video. They’re lucky to have made it out with their lives. And people wonder why I don’t go in the ocean.

  9. Being afraid of giant squid is not a phobia. It’s being normal. It’s the people who aren’t afraid of giant squid that have a phobia. I’m not sure of what–maybe of being afraid–but it’s definitely not normal:).

  10. The idea of being IN a submarine scares me…. Giant squid creep me out… The IDEA of being stuck inside of a submarine which is being attacked by a giant squid gives me a major heart attack…. I can’t even BEGIN to imagine… Thank God beach season is done for awhile!

  11. You know that squid ink is inert on dry land, which is why pasta can be made with it, but under water it reacts with the salt in the ocean and turns to a type of acid. Truly, pretty sure I saw that on syfy channel movie and those are totally like documentaries.

    (My spit is made of water. So basically when I eat squid ink pasta it turns to acid in my mouth. We’re not safe anywhere. ~ Jenny)

  12. I’m pretty sure that is actual fire because their DNA is made out of stuff that chemically is like kerosene and snail slime…I think I read that somewhere. Or I made it up. Probably the latter.

  13. cMon JenNY..;. thESe ArMs aRE to HuG YoU….coMe SwiM witH Us…bReaTHe tHe BriNY SeA LiKE a mErMAid…in MY RazOR tiPPeD sUCkeR-LineD ARmSSSSS……

    (I’m gonna need more ammo. ~ Jenny)

  14. The light is actually a spotlight the submarine crew shined towards the squid trying to scare it away. But honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if giant squid adapted to shoot fire, since spiders apparently adapted to fly. This world is horrifying. XD

  15. What the actual fuck was that?!? Marchbanks, stop being all normal. Or should we call you VICTOR???

  16. If it makes you feel any better, I just read something that said they were only half a meter long…so really not that giant… though I still have no desire to be attacked by a half meter squid!

    The ink part was my favourite, every time I watched it I heard the squid shouting, “AND HERE’S SOME INK, MOTHERFUCKER!”

    (I never learned metric so that doesn’t help me at all. “Only a half meter long” is relative when you’re being involuntarily cremated at sea. ~ Jenny)

  17. Turn that sucker into a chandelier or awesome ceiling fan. Better yet, a Flame Throwing, Ink Squirting ceiling fan. Even Victor would have to agree, that would be EPIC.

  18. I don’t think they are attacking the sub but asking it to dance with them. And they thoughtfully brought their own disco ball to set the mood.

  19. This is what happens when you feed a squid hot dogs and beef-a-roni. Lesson learned, people. Lesson learned.

  20. So, they probably made Jaws using the wrong sea critter. Maybe that could be the next Stephen King Novel… Attack of the Giant Flaming Squid. Whoever writes it, just make sure there’s a Minecraft reference in there somewhere.

  21. What, you think there’s no reason that the Japanese eat 8000% more squid than anyone else? They are NOT repeating the Godzilla thing, thank you very much. Has no one seen Pacific Rim??? Sushi tomorrow, for sure.

  22. I hate to tell you, but those aren’t giant squids, they are only Very Big squid – the giant ones are as big as the submarine. Those are very common, actually native to the Eastern Pacific just a little ways off the coast, and so are fairly near neighbors to you. They school in groups of 1000 or more just off the coast. Plus, they are bioluminescent (not sure if that’s good news or bad news – no fire, but they light up like flashlights when pissed off or horny) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humboldt_squid

    In Spanish, they’re called Red Devils because in addition to flashing lights, they flash blood red when annoyed. Your ecological fact of the day.

  23. Jeez, instead of merely being just kind of grossed out by squid ink pasta, I’m developing an apparently 100%reasonable fear of giant squids. That it one angry mofo squid. Attacking Greenpeace of all things. There’s no peace in that squid.

  24. National Geographic has a great video from the Gulf of California where one of them plays headcrab with their diver camaraman. It’s like the birth of Cthulhu. http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/humbolt_squid

    BTW – in case any of that anxiety is real, they live in very, very deep water and don’t like white light. Bring a flashlight and you’re all good.

  25. This coupled with my bull-sharks-in-streams phobia (look it up… or better, don’t) mean I’m only ever swimming in pools from now on.

  26. Am I the only one who thinks it looks like the squid dove into a giant blender, and then the blender spit out the chunks at the end? See, Jenny, you just need to arm your subs with giant blenders.

  27. I can’t believe how dumb that squid is attacking Greenpeace! They are the people who are trying to protect it! They ought to train it to attack fishing vessels or something like that! 😛

  28. Holy shit,! The Bering Sea? That’s like right up the road from us here in Fairbanks! Thanks a lot! Now I won’t sleep for months! Giant squids…what’s next?!

  29. Just picture that black hamburger that Burger King came out with in Japan. Everything on it, including the bun, has been coloured with squid ink. You can imagine that you are eating the squids in a grand gesture of defiance!

  30. What is this. You’re one of my favourite bloggers, I felt like you understood me (even though you did NOT visit me in Australia).

    And now, you’re terrified of squids. I love squids. They are my soul animal (well, all Cephalopods – but mainly squid)

    I don’t even know you anymore, Jenny. I don’t think we can be secret best friends one of whom doesn’t know the other exists anymore

  31. My husband is pulling a Victor and saying the squid isn’t on fire but lit by a spotlight. I explained to him that you’re a super doctor, but he’s just so stubborn!! 😜

  32. Is that one squid shooting fire? I’m sorry I ever enjoyed calamari. I’ll never eat it again. Please don’t haunt my nightmares.

  33. I once challenged a giant squid and a great white to a fight. I even offered to fight them both at the same time, provided it was on land.

  34. That is terrifying! I didn’t know until now that I am also afraid of squids. The ink just feels wrong but the flames are wronger. And yes, that is a word. Super Doc, can you find a way to use these demons to cure cancer so that we can harvest them for good?

  35. If half metre (couple of feet?) squids are terror-inducing, how did you cope when the robotic sentinel “squiddies” appeared in The Matrix? They had frickin laser beams attached to their heads!!

  36. I HAD to read this out loud between fits of giggles. Mister asks me, WTF are you reading? Oh… The Blogess. Well you can tell her it’s her fault if you pee the bed. :-p

  37. If only giant squids acted like cats… They would be so aloof, we wouln’t even know they were there except for the occasional tentacle-balls coughed up at the bottom of the ocean! 😉

  38. I think maybe this is a sign that Greenpeace is wrong and we shouldn’t be protecting anything in the oceans. . . especially not squid, they can do that themselves apparently.

    Half a metre is a bit under two feet, twenty inches-ish.

  39. Imagine the calamari though… People would be like “Jenny, have you put on a little weight?” You’d be all “Pfff, motherfucking giant fire-farting calimari y’all, this weight is my medal of honor”

  40. OMG, I now have my costume idea! Going to need something bigger than a sparkler for the flames, Ideas?

  41. I think we should be glad it was attacking the sub and not trying to mate with it. A video of that would be some really freaky shit, not to mention kinda pervy!

  42. Shit, I thought I was the only one thinking squids are terrifying and so obviously out to take over life as we know it!
    Too many arms, suction cupped arms at that, an honest to God fucking BEAK and have a look at this one right here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid
    Vampyroteuthis infernalis, or : “vampire squid of Hell” VAMPIRE SQUID! I mean, people need to be aware of the fireflinging vampire squids from hell!

  43. My comment seems to have been lost in space – which says a lot about squids when I actually go back and -write it all again-!
    I was so relieved to see I wasn’t the only one to have seen squids for what they really are, which is to say, bloody effing horrible!

    Too many arms, arms with suctions cups, a beak, A BEAK!, apparently fiery, and lest we forget – vampires from hell! Raise awareness of the impending squid doom!
    Vampyroteuthis infernalis, or “vampire squid of Hell”
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid

  44. Any creature that has a mouth where it’s vagina should be needs to be avoided at all costs.

  45. Flaming squids is the first step towards the corvid and cephalopod alliance that is coming. Soon we’ll all answer to our new overlords on land/air and in water.

    I, for one, welcome our new overlords.

  46. As for the metric system that squid is only about 2 feet long. Not giant at all. And I think it’s not shooting fire, but lighting up. Like Michelle said they are ticked and maybe scared so they flash their bodies(okay that came out wrong, but I like it!)
    But also calamari is delish esp with a bit of salt, lemon and some marinara sauce. So there’s that.

  47. i watched a show on National Geographic about Killer Squid. they have videos of squid attacking and they have stories of ginormous (sp?) squid.
    I’ve never been so glad to live in Missouri, far away from creatures of the ocean.

  48. I’m already traumatized by Jaws and the SyFy channel movie about the people trapped with rising flood water and sharks that are eating through the bottoms of buildings. Now I’m freaked out by squid. Stupid Greenpeace, didn’t they know they needed to keep fire away from the giant squid?!?! I mean, once caveman discovered fire we basically set about destroying the earth. Now I have to go await the giant squid who have mated with Jaws and are invincible with their fire tools gifted to them by the inferior humans.

    WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!?!?!

  49. Thanks for satisfying ‘learn something new every day’ goal … i had to go look up the real story and learned that the squids are attracted by lights so they were attacking the submarine’s lights because it looked like food to them. (not sure if that means that if you don’t light up you are safe). I also learned that squids can change color from white to red which could be why it appears to flame in the light and it’s thought that they communicate with each other by the color changes – how cool is that?
    http://greenpeaceblogs.org/2014/10/13/story-behind-greenpeaces-squid-attacking-submarine-footage/

  50. I told Cornelis Drebbel those things would be nothing but trouble. But did he listen to me? Noooooo.

  51. “Oh, and also they can shoot a blinding inferno out of their butts like a tentacled, aquatic bonfire.” It’s sentences like that that totally make my whole fucking year!

  52. Oh, those Greenpeace scamps. Saying “attack” when THEY were trespassing in the squids’ neighborhood, and also shining bright lights at them.

  53. That video looks like my nightly dream world, just without my parents behind the squid shaking their heads disappointedly in my direction.

  54. Maybe the second one is just doing a distracting, phosphorescent dance? Deep sea phosphorescence makes a lot more sense than deep sea fire, unless giant squids are an advanced steampunk culture which require underwater welding. Which might be why they were attacking the submarine. Y’know, for parts.

  55. Every time I read comments on this blog I wish I could ‘Like’ or star them or something. They’re all gold!

  56. I am struggling with something overwhelming – not major, but taking up all the space in my head – and I read this and actually thought, “How can I be sad when there is Jenny Lawson in the world?” Thank you.

  57. So Super-Doctor Lawson; does this mean that you are now officially the highest ranking journalist ever?

    Why does Green Peace need submarines? (multiple)

  58. All that brown stuff in the water…is that poo?

    (If I had been in that water when the squid showed up then yeah. That would have been poo. ~ Jenny)

  59. At least they’re not cuttlefish. Those fuckers can make themselves invisible. Can you imagine not being able to see the giant squid coming for you? That would scare me more than one that shoots fire out of its rear.

  60. Greenpeace throwing flares at squids. Because “Save the Whales”? We get that they fight but come on. On a serious note though, if they really did do that without a very very compelling reason- yet more proof that Greenpeace doesn’t actually follow their theology and help animals/the environment in real life.

  61. I am glad that I live in the middle of a big state that is in the middle of a big country, far away from ocean coasts. The only way a squid could make it to me is if someone bought it a Camaro.

  62. Great, now SyFy has something else to make a shitty movie about. We already lived through “Piranhaconda” and it’s boring sequel, where the piranhaconda became a slum landlord in “Piranhacondo”, and of course there’s “Sharknado” and “Sharknado, Again”, so we’re gonna have to sit through “Butch Squidink and the Firedance Kid” and the 57 shittier sequels that the public will clamor for and SyFy will be more than happy to produce! Are you happy now, Miss-I-Think-Squids-Are-Ooky? I’m still laughing.

  63. Great, now SyFy has something else to make a shitty movie about. We already lived through “Piranhaconda” and it’s boring sequel, where the piranhaconda became a slum landlord in “Piranhacondo”, and of course there’s “Sharknado” and “Sharknado, Again”, so we’re gonna have to sit through “Butch Squidink and the Firedance Kid” and the 57 shittier sequels that the public will clamor for and SyFy will be more than happy to produce! Are you happy now, Miss-I-Think-Squids-Are-Ooky? I’m still laughing.

  64. You have become one of only very few people I know in this world who actually fear squid, precisely the big ones. The tiny ones, even though I will still refuse to be in the water with them, I can deal with. Once they start growing to more than a foot in length, however, we’ve got problems. And once they start growing to the sizes of FREAKING WHALES, I flat out cannot look at them, lest I have a seizure on the spot. That said, squid can’t shoot fire: like everyone else have been saying, that was more than likely just the light reflection. Maybe also ink, since they shoot that: I don’t know, I haven’t watched that video nor will I ever – I apparently suffer from chapodiphobia.

    It’s ok though: as long as they remain deep, DEEP underwater, and as long as there are whales to swallow them whole (as well as other creatures to rip them to shreds, but mostly whales), we’re fine. I don’t necessarily hate them, but they’ve been scaring me since Grade 2. GRADE 2. And there is nothing in this universe I fear anymore than them. Thus my policy is: stay the hell away from me. Nice chattin’ with ya. 🙂

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: