Picture I took outside my grocery store:
On my way out I showed the cashier the picture and asked if the price was really “zero bundles of wood for $3.95” and she told me that she wasn’t sure how much wood was but that they’d honor whatever the price was on the sign. I asked how much it would cost if I bought a dozen bundles and she stared at her register keys for a minute and then said “Oh. Wait. I think I need a manager.” And that would be good because if I’m reading it right the sign basically says, “We have wood and you can’t have any. Just look at all this wood you can’t have.” You’re not going to win any customers with that sort of braggadocious hoarding.
PS. I was going to title this “Got wood? No. Because it’s priceless, apparently” but then I thought I’d get a lot of viagra spam.
PPS. Spellcheck is trying to tell me that “braggadocious” is not a word so I tried “bragalicious” and they don’t like that one either. At least one of those is a real word, spellcheck. Stop being an asshole.
106 thoughts on “Well, they’ll never have to restock at least.”
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“Got Wood” would have been perfect. I imagine you get all kinds of weird spam already, no?
(YOU HAVE NO IDEA. ~ Jenny)
They obviously expect you to trade sheep for it.
“We have wood and you can’t have any. Just look at all this wood you can’t have.”
You know, my inner conspiracy theorist thinks that they did that on purpose to try to be more “exclusive” and transition themselves to a “luxury” chain that gets off on shoving “you can’t have this” in people’s faces.
I think they need to charge every customer $3.95. After all, you took zero wood, and there is a price for that.
How much wood would a woodchuck buy if a woodchuck could buy wood? At least the cashier tried to apply customer service skills by assuring you they would honor the sign, hence allowing you to pay them $3.95 for…nothing. No wood for you!
“Now it’s time for a little bit of braggadocio,
While I swing my arms like Ralph Maccio…”
– MC Frontalont
Exactly! I think that every customer who doesn’t take a bundle or three should be charged $3.95.
Suck it, spell check.
It does seem like the sign is implying there’s a $3.95 penalty for NOT taking any wood. It is significantly less clear what the charge is FOR buying wood… is $3.95 for no wood a bargain?
Anything you can use in a sentence is a word. Have we learned nothing from George Bush? (Either one.)
So if you take the wood you don’t have to buy anything but if you don’t take wood it costs you $3.95?
Makes perfect sense.
That is the kind of math I’d be doing if I were a checker. That’s why I write. So much less math.
PS I’ve been trying to think of a goal for the day, and I think I’m going to use the word “braggadocious” at least ten times. Maybe if we all did, it’d end up in the lexicon and spellcheck would have to concede. That’s how these things happen.
The price of wood is clearly 1 for 3.96. Clearly.
Wonder what the return policy is? I bet we could negate all of existence with this.
Braggadocious is my new favourite word. Thank you Jenny.
I make it a point to never pay for wood of any kind. Because I’m just not that kind of girl.
The ilerminaty would be all over those vaguely triangle-shaped cleaves of wood!
What wood? There’s zero wood for $3.95.
IT’s so sad that it took her a few mins to figure out that she needed a manager. And I’m just glad your autocorrect didn’t make it “Bradgalina”
So basically all of us owe $3.95 because we all saw the sign and then took zero pieces of wood, and zero pieces are $3.95? THIS IS WHY WE’RE IN A RECESSION.
I get a lot of join the Sister Wives dating site spam mail. Don’t know why. Sometimes I like to title my posts with something naughty just to fuck with the perverts of the world. I’m learning that there are a lot of people looking for farmer porn and bestiality with puppies. Poor puppies.
(I get TONS of black magic spam. Like, witchdoctors and spell-casters and such. I didn’t even know that was a big market. ~ Jenny)
Multiplying and dividing aren’t necessarily individual employees’ strong points, much less when done by zero.
Sigh. I remember when zero wood only cost 55 cents. How is a family supposed to not stock their home with wood when it’s so expensive? You’re forced to stock wood just to feed yourself these days.
Braggadocious reminds me of Mary Poppins. Spellcheck has not been updated in a few decades, obviously.
Not only can you not have any wood, but you have to pay for the privilege of not having it. That is exclusivity at its finest, son.
Also, I once saw a sign that said “$3.99 each or 2 for $8.” I think maybe some stores just don’t understand how deals are supposed to work.
Speaking of wrong prices, our local Lucky’s Market keeps over-pricing the Korbel champagne. Which is my favorite. The real price is $13.99 but the “sale price” is $16.99 Which makes me think someone doesn’t want me drinking Korbel champagne. And apparently someone doesn’t want you to enjoy a cozy wood-burning fire. Why are people such bastards?
It’s all too meta for me. And spell check is just arrogant. A word can’t possibly exist if they haven’t heard of it. Snobtastic.
If I interpret this the same way I do my daughter’s homework, this clearly means $0 for 395 bundles of wood…which seems reasonable.
Sadly, being indefinitely single, I get “zero wood” every day. I guess being charged for that is not out of the realm of the possible.
But then it’s kind of like taxation without representation.
braggadocious is so a word.
Maybe the wood was cut from trees watered by Unicorn tears. That would explain the great expense…
So, would that be “assholicious” or “assholidocious”? Just checking. 😉
Stick to your guns on braggaodocious. Someone once asked me what the adjective form of “rubric” was. “Rubricious,” I replied, though I didn’t know the real answer of even if there is one. A quick reply in a confident voice will get you through a lot of situations. My husband and I came up with “bogosity” because we thought “bogusness” couldn’t be right, even though the spell checker approved.
I’m reading it that its like a wood museum, look at this wood… Now you owe us 3.95 for noticing this wood, oh you wanted some? Nope, you owe us 3.95 for asking such a forward question. All queries regarding our alleged possession of this flammable substance will be met with our demands for propper payment, for wasting our time. Oh you see the sign, that will be 3.95.
Just because the sign is in front of the wood doesn’t necessarily mean it applies solely to the wood. After all, the sign does say “Low Prices”, plural. They could be charging that $3.95 for any and all kinds of stuff they don’t provide to their customers.
“Other stores charge you upwards of five dollars for nothing! But not us. We’ll meet your nothing needs for the low, low price of $3.95.”
“I go Zero Wood”. No that’s not mean that it is part of taxation. Now you are in the inflation world and you never say it $3.95 is too much.
LOL, Bloggess, you are so funny! Thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning.
Smart choice on the headline. You would have gotten more than just V spam, I think. Victor would have had to defend your honor all week:).
I think you should offer to create a new spell checker for Microsoft. I think this could be very lucrative for you.
You just asked the cashier to mess with her, didn’t you? (That’s why I love you.)
I’m not paying $3.95 for no wood. I wouldn’t even pay $3.95 for some wood. Basically, what I’m saying is, I don’t have 3 dollars.
Enrique Gomez – I thought the same thing!
Also Janet Coburn – The Car Talk Guys use bogosity all the time. 🙂
Ummm. Don’t you live in Texas? And isn’t it hot it Texas? I don’t get why any shop sells wood when it’s hot. Unless it’s for a huge bbq. Or you are planning to celebrate your local equivalent of Guy Fawkes night (a British tradition of kids throwing models of people that they have made onto a bonfire)?
What a bargain! Next time you’re passing, could you ask if it’s possible to buy online and ship to Spain?
First, you need a new spell checker. Now that that is out of the way, this sign is worse than you think because there is a singularity. If you have to pay $3.95 for taking no wood, how much would you have to pay for not taking 10 times as much, $39.50 plus tax? (Is there a sales tax if no item is exchanged?) So, since no wood is the same amount as 10 times no wood (plus tax), and so on, – well if you don’t see the problem by now ….
This is a classic divide by zero error and the Universe will self destruct shortly. (The best explanation of why dividing by zero is a problem I’ve ever heard was: How many times can you reach into a cookie jar and pull out zero cookies?)
Here is a thought, the 0$395 means that the price is in hexadecimal which would be 917 or 9.17 dollars. They are just trying to make it look cheaper, like the gas stations with their $3.52 and 99/100 instead of $3.53! Bargain!
In light of the current wood situation, I’m just going to burn cash.
I have suck-at-math-ESPECIALLY-decimals P.T.S.D. because my middle school math teacher was all bragadocious about their placement and how many to use, blah, blah. The 0$395 error is a clinical example of decimal P.T.S.D. (and maybe an extra zero). Anyway, I think $0.395 is correct, but confusing. My point: get yourself some wood for under $4.00 before the prices go up.
3 pieces of wood! 2! 2 pieces of wood! 1 piece of wood! ZERO PIECES OF WOOD ah ah ah
You know why they call me The Count? Because I don’t know how to math!
(Hey, how do I send a whimsical anecdote to The Bloggess? I’m reluctant to post it here, but RL people may be watching! o_o)
Great. You’re going along, being a good human, having a good time and the …
The Wood Nazi.
NO WOOD FOR YOU!
Good for you and your sharp eyes.
I’m actually pretty used to this concept. It seems that most days I get nothing, yet my bank account keeps shitting money.
Maybe its like infomercials where they list a bunch of prices, then say you aren’t paying any of those, but the grocery store ran out of signs to clarify. “You aren’t paying $3.95 for this wood! You aren’t paying $3.50! We won’t even give you this wood for $3.25! You only have to pay the low low price of $3.15!”
Reblogged this on Making It Up As I Go Along – Trying To Think It Through and commented:
Nothin’ from nothin’ gets you nothin’.
Well reading through the comments just made me jealous because I don’t get ANY cool spam. Just your everyday mail order brides and penile enhancements. Never ONCE have I been offered Sister Wives spam. WTF. #braggadocious
Nothin’ from nothin’ gets you nothin’.
Well that just doesn’t seem fair. I don’t want to take any of the wood home. I bet they’ll lose customers over this fee.
hmm. maybe the environmentalists were staging a coup……
So if you steal the wood, and then get caught, does your restitution involve the store giving you money? I may have just found my retirement income!
Want wood? No? Ok, that will be $3.95. Does the government run this store?
I’ve worked as a corporate level pricing & promotional signage coordinator. I worked with the business that dictates reg & sale price at corporate, IT, and the stores that have to execute the pricing & promotions. Based on what I’ve seen, It is fairly impressive that anything is marked properly, that any sale gets executed accurately in a timely fashion, and that there is even product at the shelf for there to be a sale. The systems that drive these details down to stores are really involved and still evolving to handle the complex nature of the information, and then they hang on the final step of actually being executed at the store by a person. Obviously as a customer you don’t care, nor should you. Prices should just be right at the store! Needless to say my work in that position prompted a nerdgasmic quest to prove that can actually be done right. :p
I love it when you talk back to Spellcheck.
Well…you could try to return the 0 wood you purchased for a $3.95 refund, right?
Totally kind of related to this post. I googled “when you are lost look at your light” today and I got an image of female genitals……
Hmmmm I say. Hmmmm……
Maybe it’s haunted or cursed wood and they want rid of it. Like, it’s free if u just fucking take it but if u don’t want to help them get rid of the wood you have to pay a surcharge. Maybe it’s a good idea. Maybe the wood has the spirit of an old phone workboard operator and constantly gets up and answers the phone for u and the store was getting sick of having customers complain cuz when they’d call the wood would be all, “hi? Yes this is wood, Fuck you go to Wal-Mart.” and they were losing business. I’d love for my mother in law to call and have the wood say that to her. Would make my day.
Seem to me they’re trying to sell the “0” sign for $3.95.
Sounds like the sort of math that my kids try and pull. Or the Canadian government.
What!? You no buy no wood?
That’s ok… I charge you $3.95 anyway.
I think my spell check is a Puritan always ” fixing” my curse words. I dont need your judgement spell check.
nothing to do with the wood but stuff you need to see..http://www.startribune.com/local/east/279325202.html
zombie santas and taxidermy
I guess this answers the question, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck…?
It’s artsy farsty hipster wood for Burning Man. Very exclusive. We’re too plebian for that wood.
High five for Heather at comment #30.
I never pay for my wood. Unless I’m in Prague, and then it always comes with a fair amount of buyer’s remorse. And itching.
This is wildly unrelated to the wood, although, maybe not really, but a while ago you had an advertisement for taxidermy workshops by someone who travelled around giving them, and despite my best efforts to save the link/name/something, I’ve lost it. I think such a workshop would justify my dead bird collection. Can it please reappear?
I though Braggadocious was a town in Texas?
Heather at #30 would totally win Comment of the Day, IF you still had it. (grumblegrumble)
Two snaps up, Heather!
“Braggadocious” just FEELS right. I’d call Webster’s.
Can’t get nothing for nothing anymore💲💰💵
Maybe it means that for zero dollars you get 395 pieces of wood.
Is braggadocious a cousin of expealidocious? It should be, at the very least because I’ll have that earworm with me for the next few days.
Bragalicious! I love it! We should have a Bloggess Dictionary. I would totally buy that.
This is clearly a new and deeply disturbing form of capitalism! 😉
We’ll honor whatever the sign says… hahaha, seriously? Yeah, so they’re going to do exactly what you said, charge you for wood that they will then hold just out of reach, all the while saying, “ah ah ahhh, you can’t have this” I love the way you write and I’m totally stealing braggadocious. Squiggly line be damned.
I’m pretty sure that meant if you didn’t get wood you had to pay $3.95. Someone was obviously not wanting to restock.
Move along. This is not the wood you are looking for.
lol, this brings back memories from when I used to work at Wal-Mart.
They wrap their wood in plastic????
Thank goodness at least there is you, Jenny, to point out ludicrous signage.
That reminds me of a night last week when I was pretending to be an old lady and went to play Bingo and one of the games was “$1 per sheet or 2 sheets for $3.” Even when I pointed this out to the runner, he couldn’t see the flaw, so I paid for one sheet and when he came back, I got one more. HA! TAKE THAT, BINGO PARLOR! #InYourBingoBalls
Perhaps it is not wood for sale at all. Maybe it is a labor of love by a local artist and t 3.95 is the charge to view this magnificent sculpture of modern art. The grocery is peddling culture and refinement by allowing us to witness this work of genius. Good for them!
True story…every six months or so, I get an offer for two years of “Wood” magazine for free. See…women never have to pay for wood…they give that shit away.
I am both repelled and amused by the spam I get. Although, most of my spammers agree that my writing is ‘fastidious’. I’m thinking about embroidering that on something.
Oh, MATH. lol I work at a store and I ended up in a very Twilight Zone-type conversation with a lady during back to school while trying to explain that our 3-for-$1 notebook sale didn’t apply to her ONE 3 SUBJECT notebook.
k#72 Great articles except for them claiming that taxidermy art started in minnesota when there was a guy in Victorian England dressing up kittens and bunnies in costumes… Popular in Minnesota no doubt — but alas the Europeans probably got there first.
How many cashiers does it take to label up wood bundles?
And who buys wood in Texas? And $4 for 4 sticks? That is crazy. Was it from China?
That’s what I call a woodie.
You had one job.
Wait, you asked a cashier to do math in her head? Did her head explode?
Reminds me of my favorite coffee shop, which has a sign advising customers that they’ll be charged $2.00 for being an asshole on a cellphone while at the register.
You missed a trick not swapping the zero and the three around.
3 woods for $0.95? Bargain.
(I know I’m missing the point somewhat)
You know, you can make spell check your bitch by adding the words it doesn’t like. then it HAS to accept them.
As the beneficiary of an institutional subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary, I can tell you “braggadocious” has been in continuous (if perhaps rare) use since 1853. Use it with pride.
So what you’re saying, Jenny… is you’ve got no wood?
yess, that’s right