Well, they’ll never have to restock at least.

Picture I took outside my grocery store:

Inflation is a bitch.
Inflation is really getting out of hand.

On my way out I showed the cashier the picture and asked if the price was really “zero bundles of wood for $3.95” and she told me that she wasn’t sure how much wood was but that they’d honor whatever the price was on the sign.  I asked how much it would cost if I bought a dozen bundles and she stared at her register keys for a minute and then said “Oh.  Wait.  I think I need a manager.”  And that would be good because if I’m reading it right the sign basically says, “We have wood and you can’t have any.  Just look at all this wood you can’t have.”  You’re not going to win any customers with that sort of braggadocious hoarding.

PS.  I was going to title this “Got wood?  No. Because it’s priceless, apparently” but then I thought I’d get a lot of viagra spam.

PPS.  Spellcheck is trying to tell me that “braggadocious” is not a word so I tried “bragalicious” and they don’t like that one either.  At least one of those is a real word, spellcheck.  Stop being an asshole.

105 thoughts on “Well, they’ll never have to restock at least.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “We have wood and you can’t have any. Just look at all this wood you can’t have.”

    You know, my inner conspiracy theorist thinks that they did that on purpose to try to be more “exclusive” and transition themselves to a “luxury” chain that gets off on shoving “you can’t have this” in people’s faces.

  2. How much wood would a woodchuck buy if a woodchuck could buy wood? At least the cashier tried to apply customer service skills by assuring you they would honor the sign, hence allowing you to pay them $3.95 for…nothing. No wood for you!

  3. It does seem like the sign is implying there’s a $3.95 penalty for NOT taking any wood. It is significantly less clear what the charge is FOR buying wood… is $3.95 for no wood a bargain?

  4. That is the kind of math I’d be doing if I were a checker. That’s why I write. So much less math.

    PS I’ve been trying to think of a goal for the day, and I think I’m going to use the word “braggadocious” at least ten times. Maybe if we all did, it’d end up in the lexicon and spellcheck would have to concede. That’s how these things happen.

  5. IT’s so sad that it took her a few mins to figure out that she needed a manager. And I’m just glad your autocorrect didn’t make it “Bradgalina”

  6. So basically all of us owe $3.95 because we all saw the sign and then took zero pieces of wood, and zero pieces are $3.95? THIS IS WHY WE’RE IN A RECESSION.

  7. I get a lot of join the Sister Wives dating site spam mail. Don’t know why. Sometimes I like to title my posts with something naughty just to fuck with the perverts of the world. I’m learning that there are a lot of people looking for farmer porn and bestiality with puppies. Poor puppies.

    (I get TONS of black magic spam. Like, witchdoctors and spell-casters and such. I didn’t even know that was a big market. ~ Jenny)

  8. Sigh. I remember when zero wood only cost 55 cents. How is a family supposed to not stock their home with wood when it’s so expensive? You’re forced to stock wood just to feed yourself these days.

  9. Braggadocious reminds me of Mary Poppins. Spellcheck has not been updated in a few decades, obviously.

  10. Not only can you not have any wood, but you have to pay for the privilege of not having it. That is exclusivity at its finest, son.

    Also, I once saw a sign that said “$3.99 each or 2 for $8.” I think maybe some stores just don’t understand how deals are supposed to work.

  11. Speaking of wrong prices, our local Lucky’s Market keeps over-pricing the Korbel champagne. Which is my favorite. The real price is $13.99 but the “sale price” is $16.99 Which makes me think someone doesn’t want me drinking Korbel champagne. And apparently someone doesn’t want you to enjoy a cozy wood-burning fire. Why are people such bastards?

  12. It’s all too meta for me. And spell check is just arrogant. A word can’t possibly exist if they haven’t heard of it. Snobtastic.

  13. Sadly, being indefinitely single, I get “zero wood” every day. I guess being charged for that is not out of the realm of the possible.
    But then it’s kind of like taxation without representation.

  14. Stick to your guns on braggaodocious. Someone once asked me what the adjective form of “rubric” was. “Rubricious,” I replied, though I didn’t know the real answer of even if there is one. A quick reply in a confident voice will get you through a lot of situations. My husband and I came up with “bogosity” because we thought “bogusness” couldn’t be right, even though the spell checker approved.

  15. I’m reading it that its like a wood museum, look at this wood… Now you owe us 3.95 for noticing this wood, oh you wanted some? Nope, you owe us 3.95 for asking such a forward question. All queries regarding our alleged possession of this flammable substance will be met with our demands for propper payment, for wasting our time. Oh you see the sign, that will be 3.95.

  16. Just because the sign is in front of the wood doesn’t necessarily mean it applies solely to the wood. After all, the sign does say “Low Prices”, plural. They could be charging that $3.95 for any and all kinds of stuff they don’t provide to their customers.

    “Other stores charge you upwards of five dollars for nothing! But not us. We’ll meet your nothing needs for the low, low price of $3.95.”

  17. Smart choice on the headline. You would have gotten more than just V spam, I think. Victor would have had to defend your honor all week:).

  18. I’m not paying $3.95 for no wood. I wouldn’t even pay $3.95 for some wood. Basically, what I’m saying is, I don’t have 3 dollars.

  19. Ummm. Don’t you live in Texas? And isn’t it hot it Texas? I don’t get why any shop sells wood when it’s hot. Unless it’s for a huge bbq. Or you are planning to celebrate your local equivalent of Guy Fawkes night (a British tradition of kids throwing models of people that they have made onto a bonfire)?

  20. First, you need a new spell checker. Now that that is out of the way, this sign is worse than you think because there is a singularity. If you have to pay $3.95 for taking no wood, how much would you have to pay for not taking 10 times as much, $39.50 plus tax? (Is there a sales tax if no item is exchanged?) So, since no wood is the same amount as 10 times no wood (plus tax), and so on, – well if you don’t see the problem by now ….

  21. This is a classic divide by zero error and the Universe will self destruct shortly. (The best explanation of why dividing by zero is a problem I’ve ever heard was: How many times can you reach into a cookie jar and pull out zero cookies?)

  22. Here is a thought, the 0$395 means that the price is in hexadecimal which would be 917 or 9.17 dollars. They are just trying to make it look cheaper, like the gas stations with their $3.52 and 99/100 instead of $3.53! Bargain!

  23. I have suck-at-math-ESPECIALLY-decimals P.T.S.D. because my middle school math teacher was all bragadocious about their placement and how many to use, blah, blah. The 0$395 error is a clinical example of decimal P.T.S.D. (and maybe an extra zero). Anyway, I think $0.395 is correct, but confusing. My point: get yourself some wood for under $4.00 before the prices go up.

  24. 3 pieces of wood! 2! 2 pieces of wood! 1 piece of wood! ZERO PIECES OF WOOD ah ah ah

    You know why they call me The Count? Because I don’t know how to math!

    (Hey, how do I send a whimsical anecdote to The Bloggess? I’m reluctant to post it here, but RL people may be watching! o_o)

  25. Maybe its like infomercials where they list a bunch of prices, then say you aren’t paying any of those, but the grocery store ran out of signs to clarify. “You aren’t paying $3.95 for this wood! You aren’t paying $3.50! We won’t even give you this wood for $3.25! You only have to pay the low low price of $3.15!”

  26. Well reading through the comments just made me jealous because I don’t get ANY cool spam. Just your everyday mail order brides and penile enhancements. Never ONCE have I been offered Sister Wives spam. WTF. #braggadocious

  27. Well that just doesn’t seem fair. I don’t want to take any of the wood home. I bet they’ll lose customers over this fee.

  28. So if you steal the wood, and then get caught, does your restitution involve the store giving you money? I may have just found my retirement income!

  29. I’ve worked as a corporate level pricing & promotional signage coordinator. I worked with the business that dictates reg & sale price at corporate, IT, and the stores that have to execute the pricing & promotions. Based on what I’ve seen, It is fairly impressive that anything is marked properly, that any sale gets executed accurately in a timely fashion, and that there is even product at the shelf for there to be a sale. The systems that drive these details down to stores are really involved and still evolving to handle the complex nature of the information, and then they hang on the final step of actually being executed at the store by a person. Obviously as a customer you don’t care, nor should you. Prices should just be right at the store! Needless to say my work in that position prompted a nerdgasmic quest to prove that can actually be done right. :p

  30. Totally kind of related to this post. I googled “when you are lost look at your light” today and I got an image of female genitals……
    Hmmmm I say. Hmmmm……

  31. Maybe it’s haunted or cursed wood and they want rid of it. Like, it’s free if u just fucking take it but if u don’t want to help them get rid of the wood you have to pay a surcharge. Maybe it’s a good idea. Maybe the wood has the spirit of an old phone workboard operator and constantly gets up and answers the phone for u and the store was getting sick of having customers complain cuz when they’d call the wood would be all, “hi? Yes this is wood, Fuck you go to Wal-Mart.” and they were losing business. I’d love for my mother in law to call and have the wood say that to her. Would make my day.

    Just sayin’.

  32. It’s artsy farsty hipster wood for Burning Man. Very exclusive. We’re too plebian for that wood.
    High five for Heather at comment #30.

  33. This is wildly unrelated to the wood, although, maybe not really, but a while ago you had an advertisement for taxidermy workshops by someone who travelled around giving them, and despite my best efforts to save the link/name/something, I’ve lost it. I think such a workshop would justify my dead bird collection. Can it please reappear?

  34. Heather at #30 would totally win Comment of the Day, IF you still had it. (grumblegrumble)
    Two snaps up, Heather!

  35. We’ll honor whatever the sign says… hahaha, seriously? Yeah, so they’re going to do exactly what you said, charge you for wood that they will then hold just out of reach, all the while saying, “ah ah ahhh, you can’t have this” I love the way you write and I’m totally stealing braggadocious. Squiggly line be damned.

  36. They wrap their wood in plastic????
    Oh world.
    Thank goodness at least there is you, Jenny, to point out ludicrous signage.

  37. That reminds me of a night last week when I was pretending to be an old lady and went to play Bingo and one of the games was “$1 per sheet or 2 sheets for $3.” Even when I pointed this out to the runner, he couldn’t see the flaw, so I paid for one sheet and when he came back, I got one more. HA! TAKE THAT, BINGO PARLOR! #InYourBingoBalls

  38. Perhaps it is not wood for sale at all. Maybe it is a labor of love by a local artist and t 3.95 is the charge to view this magnificent sculpture of modern art. The grocery is peddling culture and refinement by allowing us to witness this work of genius. Good for them!

  39. True story…every six months or so, I get an offer for two years of “Wood” magazine for free. See…women never have to pay for wood…they give that shit away.

  40. I am both repelled and amused by the spam I get. Although, most of my spammers agree that my writing is ‘fastidious’. I’m thinking about embroidering that on something.

  41. Oh, MATH. lol I work at a store and I ended up in a very Twilight Zone-type conversation with a lady during back to school while trying to explain that our 3-for-$1 notebook sale didn’t apply to her ONE 3 SUBJECT notebook.

  42. Reminds me of my favorite coffee shop, which has a sign advising customers that they’ll be charged $2.00 for being an asshole on a cellphone while at the register.

  43. You know, you can make spell check your bitch by adding the words it doesn’t like. then it HAS to accept them.

  44. As the beneficiary of an institutional subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary, I can tell you “braggadocious” has been in continuous (if perhaps rare) use since 1853. Use it with pride.

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